Tag Archives: female

231. I’m Not like all of the Other Girls

 

Continuing from

 

Opposing My Roots implies that when we try and deny the influence we had from our parents and relatives and simply ‘form’ and shape ourselves according to the usual idea of ‘I will never be like my parents’/ ‘I will never repeat what they’ve done onto me’ and any other similar statement, we end up missing out a key aspect of self investigation like I have done in relation to looking at how and why I accepted certain ‘characteristics’ as who I am without realizing that there is no ‘who I am’ that was born out of nowhere. For that matters, I am the accumulation of everything that I have been, which includes everyone that has gone before me. This is how within this process as I walk my own patterns, I am also taking into account what others before me also became, ending up as a single generational fuckup that would repeat itself. Yes, it is a fuckup because through these ‘hereditary patterns’ I learned that it was okay for me to acquire either my mother or my father’s temperament, their habits and manias. So,it is so when it’s said that we become our parents eventually because we come from them, and we can’t deny our roots or we could then just pretend we were born out of nowhere and got this ‘arbitrary programming,’ which is not the case either.

We accepted the mind as who we are which is a representation of ourselves, our ‘true nature’ if you will but linked to specific patterns, habits, traits that are programmed to be having specific results out of the participation within them: Energy. And for the entire history of this, you can listen to the material at Eqafe for more explanations.

 

I’ll take one event and walk it through in order to see who I am within this memory and how I learned one of the various emotional reactions that I became used to present in my reality as a child, which is also an event I described some blogs ago.

 

Event: going out with my parents and sisters and getting ready to leave. My father is waiting for us at the entrance hall looking up the stairs to wait for everyone to come. Women getting ready to leave /fixing hair, clothes, makeup or anything else normal to do when going out, there’s noises of hair dryers, heels, lots of shuffling around and talking. I am near my father and ready to leave  – because I had discussed and realized through an entire mind construct how I was more ‘in tune’ with my father in order to oppose my mother and in a way also being more ‘responsible’ apparently for being ready when the time was here.

 

Fear Dimension:  Father getting angry for everyone not being on time

-Being like ‘any other woman’

 

Thought Dimension:  father standing on the entrance hall frowning and being quiet but angry inside

 

Imagination Dimension:
– Positive imagination as a
desire: everyone being always On time as scheduled and going all happy in the car

– Negative imagination as a fear: Having our ‘going out’ trip absolutely ruined, everyone in a bad mood, not talking and having a ‘hysteric’ father at the wheel.

 

Backchat:

– Why can’t they just Be On Time as Scheduled?

– They had to be women!

– I am ready, they are Not

– It’s their fault that my father will now be pissed off, they are the ones to blame

– I am not like them

 

Reactions:

– Negative: Mimicking the impatience, exasperation, building up anger as time goes by, becoming nervous and anxious about the possible outcomes

– Positive: pride and responsibility, readiness as in being the only one that’s ready.

 

Physical dimension:

Tensing up my upper chest, experiencing nervousness and anxiety in my solar plexus, stifle myself and move as less as possible  while waiting.

 

Consequence:

– Me tensing up every time I have to go out, rushing as well to get myself ‘on time’ while fearing that others might be ‘impatiently waiting for me’ or that I will miss something with it, ending up angry at myself for not being ‘perfectly on time’ and as such screwing up my self religion.

– Building up my self religion of ‘not being like all of the other girls/ women’

 

 

Here I write Self Forgiveness on the positive experiences of the event, this is only a series of points that are ‘surrounding’ this entire event to give more context to all the dimensions of which the event consists of, which is like looking at the basic conditions I imposed onto myself in order to have this pre-configured self experience in that moment of being waiting for my mother and sisters to come down and being there with my father waiting.

 

positive traits: being always ‘on time’ to be seen as a responsible one, being seen s as ‘I am not like every other girl, I don’t spend much time ‘getting ready’ to go out, gaining a point of preference from my father toward me, identification of characters with the usual ‘you are just like me’ (Read 103. Being efficient out of Fear! « and like father like son «

 

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rush through the process of getting ready within my internal battle against time which became a competition to be always ‘the first one that was ready’ compared to the other females at home, and in this, becoming anxious to get ready and be downstairs ready to leave wherein I would then consider this as a ‘prop’ for my character/ ego that was defined according to ‘being on time’ and pleasing my father with that

 

When and as I see myself rushing when getting ready to leave in order to satisfy my father and/or fearing him getting angry, I stop and I breathe. Instead of rushing, I consider the necessary time to get ready beforehand so that we can actually leave the place/ house as scheduled and I ensure that I do this breathing, here, being aware of my physical and allowing myself to relax my body through this process as I go breathing and direct myself to be there on the scheduled time, which is not a ‘race’ to fulfill but a timely-agreement in order for one or more people to meet/ go out as scheduled.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and keep up with my self-created belief of ‘being on time = being responsible’ as a positive experience within me, instead of realizing that being on time is simply agreeing to get to a certain place/ meeting on the agreed moment in order to meet another/ get to a certain scheduled activity and that in no way means it is a ‘positive experience’ as I see and realize that I have imprinted a positive experience out of actually fearing not being on time and within this, having acquired the belief that others will be pissed off/ impatiently waiting for me when not getting there on time, without realizing that this was all my own creation according to how I lived this ‘timely character’ at home whenever we agreed to leave the house at a certain time and fearing not being ready and making my father angry for that.

 

When and as I see myself rushing in order to be on time somewhere and getting this experience of anxiety to ‘be there on time,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the ‘being on time’ is stemming out of fear of Not being on time. Within this, I direct myself to schedule my physical activities in a way wherein I ensure that I am ‘on time’ as scheduled not to make it a positive thing like ‘Hey Look! I am on time here as I had said I would be” as a positive confirmation of the ‘timely character,’ but instead simply see it as a practical arrangement when meeting others, going to a scheduled event and bet there when it begins. And if for x or y reason I cannot make it on time for circumstances that are beyond my direction – traffic, having to direct something else beforehand due to it being important/ emergency, having forgotten something at home, etc.  – I breathe through it and commit myself to then take the necessary precautions to consider potential outflows if the meeting is too important, but if it is not, I simply stop worrying about ‘being late’ and direct myself to simply explain the situation to another  person without fearing them being ‘angry’ for having to wait.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience out of me being ‘always ready on time’ – apparently – which is also a personality trait that I’ve mostly cultivated within me based on comparison toward other females – sisters and mother at home – who would spend a lot of time getting ready to leave and within this, consider that I am ‘special’ because ‘I am not like them/ I don’t spend much time on my looks,’ which became another way to oppose the patterns at home of what a woman should be like, do, dress and do when ‘getting ready to go out,’wherein it became a cliché to know that ‘women spend a long time getting ready to go out,’ out of vanity – thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this ‘readiness’ as a positive experience when going out, out of fear of being seen as vain/ superficial for taking the time to look at myself in ‘how I look’ in the mirror which became part of the opposition character toward the women in my family and a point of ‘uniqueness’ that I created for myself such a ‘Look, I am Not like them, I am ready on time and I don’t give a fuck what people say about me’  – which was the usual stance I would take actually out of fearing that people would have to say something about myself/my looks when ‘going out.’

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when being ‘ready’ on time and being waiting for others as a point of superiority – I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to wait breathing here physically until everyone else is ready and if I’m alone then this simply won’t exist because I am ready when I am ready and that’s it.

I realize that I have created a personality of being on time and ready to leave/ ready to move/ do something based on a commonality of seeing others taking more time to do so, and as such defining ‘who I am’ based on what others would be doing and become everything that they were ‘not’ according to the patterns they presented to gain a point of specialness and even linking it to responsibility for being ‘on time’ and gain some props for my responsible character/ personality that is actually existent out of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to be special/ unique as a woman for not taking too much time ‘getting ready’ to go out, wherein I then created this belief of ‘I am not like other girls/ women’ and as such, believe that this would be a preference by males because of having also witnessed how my sisters’ boyfriends would also have to wait for them every time that they would go out, and such define the entire thing of ‘getting ready’ as something ‘pathetic’ from females and within this promise that I would not be like that and that I would be then even more desired or wanted or satisfactory for a partner if I was always on time as scheduled, within this belief that males dislike having to wait for women to get ready to leave.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, as a child and growing up, be the one that was always ‘ready’ and ‘on time’ as a way to be able to gain some preference/ recognition by my father in order to be seen as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ for not following the usual patterns of what a woman should be like/ act like/ do as ‘usual’ because I see, realize and understand that I became a character that would oppose all the patterns at home, specially from the women at home, within this belief that if I attuned myself to the male side, I would be able to be ‘loved’ by males for doing/being the way that they wanted a woman to be like, which became a pattern within me throughout my life in various other contexts.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to be ready and on time as a way to break the pattern/ paradigm of the amount of time a woman takes to ‘get ready to leave/ go out’ in order to be satisfying males specifically and be regarded as a ‘one of a kind woman’ – I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to simply realize that being on time is a practical consideration that facilitates the activities and that’s it, a point of agreement that ensures everyone is ready to leave at a certain time, not meaning that everyone MUST be ready on time, but simply a single physical-time arrangement that I can breathe through as well whenever someone else is not ‘on time’ and then one can take practical measures like calling them up to see where they are and  as such not creating an entire character out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘readiness character’ toward others, specially females – wherein I would want to be seen as ‘special’ for being a woman and not taking that much to ‘get ready,’ which is also a self-religion and self-belief aspect, because all this readiness would be done within anxiety and fear of not being ready on time and be seen as ‘just another woman’ which I had deemed as a pejorative experience coming from myself from the view point as a male.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define women as superfluous and vain by nature, wherein I then did all I could to not play out the same characteristics that would define me as ‘vain’ and ‘superfluous’ without realizing that then every single positive experience I had when living out my self predicament of ‘I am not like all of the other girls’ I was in fact not making a self-directive decision to be on time or not focus too much on my looks, but was instead only focusing on ‘not being like other girls’ which then became my ‘trademark’ when it comes to defining ‘me’ as an ‘unusual woman’ which I thought would give props with males within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create an entire anti-woman character within the belief that this would make me popular with males and partners that I believed would also appreciate women not to take too long to go out, and also within this, fearing them getting angry for me not being ready and on time go out due to the experiences I have had at home.

 

When and as I see myself defining ‘who I am’ according to ‘not being like all the other women’ I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to focus on what I can physically direct, do and direct within the physical considerations of time and moving and being available to do so without any form of comparison or expectation toward others or myself fulfilling what I have projected onto others as an expectation toward myself. I take responsibility for stopping believing what others are ‘expecting’ of me and focus on moving and directing me in physical reality.

 

I realize that this ‘I am not like all of the other girls’ characteristic is seeking one thing: being special, being unique and even praised by males and females alike due to always ‘being on time’ and ‘ready’ and ‘breaking the patterns’ of what a woman should be like, which is all based on the positive imprint I placed on this characteristic as well as focusing on accumulating ‘positive credit’ for potential partners due to having observed how they had to wait for females to be ready and I believed them to be impatient or angry or irritated – which is my Own programming projected there – and as such seek the point of happiness for them as the woman being ready to leave/ being on time, and as such be even more liked or considered as ‘one of a kind’ as ego-specialness of the mind.

 

I realize that this positive experience that I would get out of ‘being on time’ was obviously stemming from fear and fear of being judged as ‘another woman’ which became a characteristic of my personality in order to be ‘special’ and ‘unique’ at the eyes of others. Therefore it is plain to see how even a single point like ‘getting ready to go out’ can contain an entire network of characteristics that entail the entirety of ‘who we are’ according to how we want to be seen by others/ who we are toward others, which are the personalities we create toward specific people – or even gender based in this case – in order to define ‘who I am’ as superior to others.

 

I commit myself to focus on breathing, moving physically whenever I am gong out with other beings and simply be on time as scheduled as a practical consideration. I breathe through having to wait for others, I breathe throughout the process of getting ready myself and be there when the time was agreed by others as well.

 

I commit myself to when going out or even foreseeing that I will be going out/ traveling etc. I breathe through the process of gathering everything required, taking a moment for myself to get dressed, take all the necessary things required and not judge any of my moves during this process or get anxious about it, as I see and realize that I will move/ leave when I simply physically ‘leave’ lol and that there is no need to create a character of rushing through it to be ‘on time’

 

This is a cool point to see how everything we believed was in fact a ‘positive aspect’ within ourselves stems out of a negative that we avoid, which is the basic consideration when looking at all the ‘positive experiences’ we’ve created and believed ourselves to be, and take responsibility to see how even if we copied mechanisms from our parents, we Became our characters due to our own participation in our own mind-assessments of what’s good/ bad or positive/ negative according to Self-Interest as it can be read here. Who we are can be simplified to being physically here, self directive and as an efficient being that is not measuring this efficiency according to some personality props, but simple self-directive will.

 

– This will continue with the following dimensions within this event, which is one single ‘branch’ of an entire series of traits that I will be walking in relation to the personalities I created toward people in my family that I simply sought to ‘oppose’ as a general characteristic within my self-religion of ‘who I am’ toward others in my world.

 

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Day 60: Femme Fatale

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a gender definition have power over life through participating in self-definitions based on being a ‘female’ or ‘male’ and perpetuating the games of self-interest that both females and males participate in, wherein all that matters is ‘winning’ as the strongest sex/ gender, and in this neglecting everything and everyone else in reality that is suffering the consequences of us, human beings, being very busy and preoccupied only satisfying our power-games which create a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ experience within ourselves, which is in fact a spiteful game against life.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to take ‘pride’ in being a female due to recognizing this ‘energetic power’ over males  (Read ‘supervixen’ for further context on that.)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link ‘femininity’ with power over males

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I am a woman, I must be desired by all males

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program myself to be a woman that uses her ‘power’ in order to lure men into a point of attraction due to the power that this implies as an experience within me

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see women as powerful for the ‘energetic presence’ that they impose anywhere they are, without ever realizing that with me complying to this belief, I was giving permission – accepting and allowing – the existence of the energetic presence that a female expression and a male expression have, wherein the female is the ‘positive’ energetic manifestation and the male is the ‘negative’ energetic manifestation, which is how I now realize that the power that I saw myself endowed with was in fact nothing else but an energetic presence that I diminished myself to as a form of power within me, within the realization that males would be usually following behind females like ‘dogs behind bones,’ which implies a very specific way of defining the relationship that I defined between males and females

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep males as ‘followers of a female’s flesh’ and nothing else, which is a despicable way to generalize human beings according to a particular gender, wherein I was confirming their energetic-stance and the apparent ‘power’ that females had as such ‘vibrant expression’ and ‘glowing aura’ which was actually and in fact part of the manifestation of who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become as males an females in this reality. To understand this, read the Heaven’s Journey To Life blog  The Energy of Adam and Eve: DAY 58

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘shape’ my personality according to the stereotypes of women that could be tagged as ‘femme fatale’ due to the power that I saw they had toward males, wherein they were able to have males ‘at their feet’ and treat them like scum and still ‘have them at their feet,’ within this, creating an absolute point of inequality and abuse that stems from actual vindication of the perceived ‘weakness’ that is commonly associated with women, without ever questioning why both weakness and strength had to define a gender in the first place and why could they not be equal.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately play games to tantalize men and get a kick out of it, meaning, getting a sense of empowerment every time that I knew I could simply vex them and bother them,  even piss them off deliberately but they could not hit me back or offend me back because ‘I am a woman and cannot be hit/ offended’ because of the stereotypes in society that I used to my benefit, wherein I would feel offended and even angry whenever women were portrayed as ‘weak’ and ‘powerless’ and ‘delicate’ – yet use this delicacy and inferiority in order to protect me from being at the same level of males and within that, protecting me from being done the same onto me that I would do onto males, just for fun.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create a stance toward males of strength and superiority due to being covering up and making-up for the usual perceived idea of the feeble, sensitive and weak females as the concepts that are usually accepted and allowed in society, wherein I would then equalize myself to the ‘male stance’ Yet, wanting to keep my privilege of ‘being  a female that can’t be touched/ hit back’ by males.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be a feminist for a while in my life, just because of me perceiving that we were in fact ‘more powerful’ than males and that we had been deliberately disempowered throughout history, satanized and even burnt like witches whenever this ‘charm’ would tantalize too many males, which means that my stance of ‘strength’ as a female, was not in any way who I really am, but just a cover up to the history of women/ females in history and me trying to make up for it by creating the opposite polarity within me, without considering that in doing this, I was in fact simply confirming that we were in fact either weak or more powerful, both points equally defined by ‘who we are’ as energy, and not as the physicality and physical reality that we are as females and males as physical bodies.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my personality, myself, my self-experience as a mind that is perceiving herself to be ‘more than males’ and having ‘power over males’ and equally powerful to males, which is in its overall starting point a defense mechanism to the historical prejudices that have been adjudicated toward females as weak, powerless, voice less, submissive and ‘behind the male,’ of which I saw myself as the ‘savior’ from continuing such image of females within that past stereotype of inferiority against the males.

 

I see and realize that all of these personalities and overall power-games that I played in my mind were based on polarities of being over and below the male figure as either strong/ weak according to how I wanted to place myself ‘as a female’ in a position of power over males, which means that I gave permission and continuation to the current state that we are living in/ as humanity where both genders signify the basic point of separation between human beings that should regard the physical equality and oneness and stop any form of power-games at energetic levels, that only perpetuate the mind system’s energy outflows that we cannot even see or be aware of the consequences we are creating every time that we accept and allow ourselves to play either the weak or strong sex/ gender in society as either male or female.

 

I realize that even though I have been aware of the point of Equality and Oneness, there are points that are embedded at a physical level due to how I have programmed myself throughout my teenage years, watching females on TV and in the music industry that represented ‘all that I wanted to be’ which is the woman having power over males but from the starting point of having felt subject to ‘the male dominance’ in society.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify with lyrics, books and anything that would speak about females being these magnificent beings that had nothing to do with the more mechanical and savage males that only sought females for flesh, without realizing that in such identification, I was becoming part of the usual separation between genders as a way to perpetuate the power games that are currently escalating toward the empowerment of females by making males ‘inferior’ and using sex as a way to reinforce the patterns of dominance and submission that escalate to the current hierarchical state of the world in absolute inequality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually get trapped in power games and having to keep this personality as self-definition based on the gender that I am, without actually being aware of how this only kept myself occupied within my mind, ensuing separation from the realization that who I really am is and exists here as the physical, that doesn’t require to be constantly fighting against/ outdoing the ‘counterpart’ as the male, in means of perpetuating a sense of power and superiority, which would create a ‘good experience’ within myself, in this forgetting about the rest of the world that is in fact the consequence of us having accepted and allowed energy as a point of self-definition/ self-limitation within hierarchical values that are used only to perpetuate the system of abuse of Life, and in that: we are all responsible just by playing out the usual female-male power games of attraction, seduction and eventual engagement as energetic relationships that were in no way based on the consideration of Life in Equality, as the physicality that we are in fact as human beings.

 

I commit myself to stop any inner-experience of ‘being a female’ and equating this to ‘feeling powerful’ and ‘having power over males’ specifically, as this is only playing out the counter act to what I had perceived as female weakness and feebleness that in no way consider the stability and physicality of who we are as physical beings, but only regard the energetic presence that is the very system that has transformed life into a mere energetic fix that we have all been participants of throughout human history.

 

I commit myself to stop the personalities that I acquired from people in popular cultures, specifically women that portrayed themselves as ‘femme fatale’ and in that, debunking my own ‘superiority stance’ toward males to equalize myself as any living being in the consideration of life and physicality, and not gender and energetic power-games that would define a relationship between a male and a female.

 

I realize that this is the primordial point of physical separation as human beings that we exist as, due to our physical bodies being different – however, this does not mean that one is ‘more’ than the other and it is thus our responsibility to, for once and for all, stop all attempts to vindicate females as ‘more’ or ‘less’ than males – and vice versa – in order to establish one single principle that guides the lives of not only human beings, but all living beings in the consideration of Life in and as Equality and Oneness, wherein this Equality wherein this Oneness is not a mind-experience based on the fusion of the ‘poles’ as chemical marriage, but an actual physical one plus one relationship and agreement to work together to live as equals on Earth, honoring Life for the first time which we had neglected to a mere background where no Self-Respect as Equality existed.

 

I commit myself to expose feminism as the counter-act of machismo, which stems from the ‘outdoing’ and trumping of the power-game played by both genders when defined according to energy and not the obvious physicality that is equally composed by the same cells, organs, tissues, bones and brain that requires the same nutrients to live, that develops the same way in physical reality wherein no ‘superiority’ or ‘inferiority’ is visible, but it only exists in the mind of human beings as an excuse to perpetuate the conflict and rivalry between males and females, which is unacceptable, unnecessary and must be stopped.

 

I commit myself to walk my Self-Agreement wherein I ensure that who I am as the relationship with myself is not defined by a ‘gender’ but instead as a physical being that is able to stand in and as Equality with the totality that is here as Self, where no genders define what is life and what’s not life or ‘less than’ as  all is existent in an equal stance in the measure of life – thus we stop the power-play between males and females in the name of Life in Equality.

 

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54: God doesn’t play favorites

 

“On the surface, perhaps man scripturally being in charge over women may seem unfair, sexist or overbearing, but this is the reality of the world we live in. The purpose is not about a show of superiority or favoritism ( God doesn’t play favorites ). There has to be one parent with the final word, and thus men and women can’t be totally “equal.” Why ? Because chaos would ensue. If two people ( parents ) had equal levels of authority, I would pity every child…”

FrisbeeGuy87  on Why Woman give birth in Pain and are Blamed for the Fall of Man – (Deleted YouTube Video)  January 19, 2010

 

Why have we accepted that we can’t be ‘totally equal’ and in that indulging in fallacies as potential ways in which assumptions instill fear as to how ‘problems’ would ensue if people were equally empowered in this world. This is a typical example of how through logic/ assumptions and beliefs, we have built a world of absolute separation and limitation through the very concepts that we spread as ‘facts.’ In statements like ‘but this is the reality of the world we live in’ = ‘we can’t change the world, don’t even try’ is implied, and for that, using the example of parents – considering the typical male and female structure –  contains the inherent acceptance of social roles as one of the primary points wherein the hierarchical-existence of society is adopted ‘as is,’ which later on extends within any other realms/ sectors of social matters and endeavors. Why? because that’s simply what ensures that no one ever questions the hierarchical structure of the system, no one then seeks to be equal and complies to the adamant status quo even if it implies abuse and separation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a world where there must Always be someone that has the ‘final word’ stemming from an inherently believed sense of ‘power’/ having control over others, as the authority that stands in a ‘superior’ position, instead of establishing equal responsibility toward one’s words and the effect that such words as actions inflict upon the whole which must be equal in all ways and considering what’s best for all at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that someone must always have the ‘last say’ in any given moment as a definitive decision that is accepted as a way to stop discord, which implies that we have believed that equal-power leads to inevitable conflict, chaos and further rivalry, without seeing and realizing that we have only believed ‘this’ to be ‘true’ within a system wherein Equality has never in fact existed, it has never in fact been Lived yet it has been promoted as something to fear. Within this, all we have ever complied to is the separation of humankind as individuals that can be ‘more’ or ‘less’ successful according to social roles – being a male or a female – and the amount of money they own, which has determined and is linked-to the amount of ‘authority’ one has which is one of the basic traps wherein we will only hear those in ‘power’ and in roles that are socially deemed as ‘more powerful’/ of authority due to the credentials as values we believe they inherently ‘represent’ and ‘own’ by virtue of their position within a particular social and economic context.

 

I see, realize and understand that the patterns followed in any social construction have been defined and determined by money as power wherein money decides the type of society that is built, which is a set of norms, rules/ regulations toward the lives of particular human beings in a defined context such  as nation/ community/ gender/ race/ economic status, which complies to greater schemes of hierarchical organization of the world, such as world economies, cultural values and traditions as well as political and religious endeavors that may or may not be influenced also by the natural environment in itself.  Anthropology, sociology, linguistics and other social ‘sciences’ have focused on establishing the differences between individuals, categorizing society into this dissected scheme that is able to be studied and pretended to be ‘known,,’ as a way of establishing ‘order and control’ which is the positivism implied in our current science – while in fact, the point that should matter for all such sciences is developing ways to establish common sense points to live as equals, regardless of the cultural baggage that is currently being carried as some form of ‘value’ that is defended to be preserved, without even daring to question such ‘values’ because we have deemed that as ‘untouchable’ and ‘too sacred’ as it implies digging into personal beliefs that are usually ‘left alone’ for the sake of not causing further riots in ‘sensitive areas,’ which is also a point of abuse the moment that religions step in the way of implementing a way to live that is best for all in Equality.

 

The same goes on at the very basic level of establishing a family nucleus wherein the usual belief of it having to be either a matriarchy or patriarchy is entailing the basic submission that must exist in order to have something working/ functioning – which is the primordial flaw that we have indulged in within society, accepting ourselves to take the position of either being more or less than the partner in this relationship that is the most basic unit of society, that will ‘give birth’ to a child that will comply to the idea of someone having to have the ‘ultimate say,’ regardless of it being in the best interest of all or not. Complying, obeying, suppressing any form of expression that could change the way societies work is then stemming from that very initial acceptance of seeing ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ as the ultimate say at home, and us having no say at all in decision making.

 

Our childhood is a vital point of education where all the basic acceptances at a social level, are transmitted through the very interaction that parents have toward each other. If parents exist in  constant conflict, retaliation, desire to be the one with the ultimate say/ win and the other submitting to it and/or even fearing to voice their perspective– the only thing that’s being transmitted to the child that is like a sponge of all behavior, words, information in his/her surrounding is how to find ways to overcome power and control, or become absolutely submissive to a reality that is perceived as unchangeable, which implies diverting such frustration in other means to get a sense of ‘power and control’ over others, which is how bullying emerges, how becoming a constant ‘fighter’ against the social limiting standards – which begin at home –  finding ways to get the most benefit from manipulating others to do things for us– and the list could go on and on.

 

How often parents fear being a ‘bad example’ for their children? I’d say very often – yet the fact is that unless parents themselves walk through a process of deprogramming the basic social conditions that have been accepted and allowed as ‘who we are,’ there will still be this desire to impose or submit to another in order to continue such ‘social roles’ and prevent conflict at any cost. How many times have we thought that we rather keep quiet to not ‘stir problems’ while neglecting the fact that in us ‘keeping quiet’ we essentially become the links within a chain that will go on generationally, creating submissive humans instead of common sensical self-directive individuals that seek to debunk the most common accepted lies and fallacies and question the accepted and allowed forms of ‘order and control’ in society, taking on the responsibility to ensure that no such patterns are ever repeated within the subsequent generations.

 

There is a lot to be said and exposed from these seemingly ‘acceptable’ ways of thinking such as the quote at the beginning of the post, wherein through fearing ‘power’ and ‘control’ we actually accept such power and control as something real.  Basic common sense  is not taught in schools – what we accept and allow with the existence of one single word as the starting point and origin of an accustomed behavioral pattern within another being, regardless of it being harmful – is what we become/ accept and allow ourselves to exist as a whole. For that, we just have to look at our legislation books and see the amount of atrocities that had to happen in order for us to write laws that could classify them all and find ways to condemn it, other than looking at the root cause/ origin of such problems in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to comply to the existence of myself as part of a system wherein my own rights are a proof of all of that which is not given as an unconditional birth-right, wherein I have made myself subject to texts as words that have been written in the name of keeping ‘order and control’ through the instilling of actual fear, due to such laws and regulations being the proof of how far we can drive ourselves as humanity in our thoughts/ words/ deeds, wherein only punishment and condemnation is legally established, instead of first looking at the cause/ root of the problem and working toward the correction and reform of such cause/ root of the problem, which would prevent the growth of laws and regulations to classify human behaviors that could be instead prevented and stopped before manifesting as a regular pattern, and realizing how they have been the product of a society wherein the most basic principle of Life in Equality has never been existent.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if we live in a society wherein there is a constitution that ‘defends my rights,’ that I then had nothing to do to better it/ review it, as I believed that everything that any other person would be/ live/ do would fall within the category of ‘being abiding to the law’ while in fact, this is the type of gullibility we have all accepted as a way to not question the application and validity of words implied in laws/ constitutions, ignoring the obvious evidence that there is no sense of law and consideration of Equal-Rights between all human beings from the very first moment that I accept one gender to be above the other as a general social, political and economical factor that determines the lives of human beings in this human construct that is ‘society.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child, become used to having one of both parental figures as the ‘dominant/ strong one’ and the other as the  ‘submissive/ weak one’, wherein I then learned that the way to impose my own will was through exerting control over others, stirring conflict and always having to ‘battle’/ oppose another to finally establish ‘my way’ of doing things, without ever questioning why I always had to fight for my right to be ‘heard’ instead of simply being able to communicate and agree on what is best for all to do/ be and say in any given moment/ event/ situation in our lives.

 

I realize that in my case specifically, I learned that the one that gives the money has the ultimate say in terms of buying/ consuming and further expanding the ‘wealth’ of the family – while the moral/ educational authority has the ultimate say toward the education of the children, in both cases neglecting the other side as having equal decision-making stance, due to the accepted and allowed and unspoken agreement of always having someone deciding for us, instead of establishing equal and communal agreements that consider what benefits All members of the family, including the child as a pertinent decision-maker from a young age through deliberately integrating them within family conversations as a way to ensure they grow up as self-aware beings of the responsibility that is entailed within coexisting in a world with others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a society wherein children are made subject to the decisions of the ‘elders’ as parents, without having any window of opportunity to support them to also speak/ share and be part of the decision making/ interactions within the family nucleus as parents, which actually leads them to become beings that see themselves as ‘outsiders’ and having ‘no say’ within any social/ family matter, which becomes an actual personality-maim to any living expression that could have developed in a healthy self-relationship if parents would have learned how to integrate the child from a young age in decision making conversations and establishing constant communication with children instead of leaving it all to the ‘educational system’ to do that for them.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the ‘authorities’ in this world from the initial moments of my interactions within society – which is family – wherein I learned that I had to comply to my parent’s will and decision, wherein I was only told what to do/ what not to do without any further explanations, within that becoming used to abiding to the law as a system that does not consider the actual needs, requirements and self-correction  for such habitual patterns that may induce harm and conflict, but instead simply ‘fear’ committing such actions, fearing asking about them and sticking to the rule of thumb of approving and disapproving without having any space to further discuss/ communicate How and Why such laws exist and are ‘acceptable’ as a category in itself in the first place, instead of addressing the problem and finding the cause/ origin to be corrected as an initial step in the first place, which begins within the education at home.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a system where the ultimate say is nor a male or a female but money as the actual control point that dictates and mandates the decisions in this world in all spheres and levels of our interactions, which is how and why the importance of removing such basic conditions and limitations to life within ourselves, stems from the realization of who and what we are as Equality of Life and educating ourselves to understand how/why we separated ourselves, which will reveal how our own monetary system is currently re-enacting and perpetuating the same conditions of separation with no aperture for dialogue to ask pertinent questions as to How we have become so imbued within the current monetary crisis and world-wide financial noose, that we have forgotten to ask the most basic questions such as what is money in the world in the first place and how we have the absolute ability to change how it functions.

 

I commit myself to expose the most usual lies and social stigmas embedded at a cultural level that is preventing ourselves from realizing the actual fact that it is only through removing the conditions accepted and allowed as ‘differences’ that we can come to the realization of all human beings and living beings being able to live within a single system that promotes Equality as Life, wherein gender roles will come to be a single identification of the physical body design, but no longer a way to define and constrict the social rights, virtues or perceived inabilities that have maimed human societies through the orders of religion and tradition as considerations for law-making processes.

 

I commit myself to stop within myself any form of belief that would consider me being ‘different’ to any other human being, from gender, nation, race, beliefs and any other point that is currently ‘socially acceptable’ as a way to maintain the differences/ separation between humanity – within this, I stand as the point that represents one single value: Equality as Life, wherein all men are actually equal and living as equals which requires a complete new system that can ensure such words are lived in a physical and functional way and no longer having to be ‘defended’ through righteous acts of violence and wars, which indicate that we have missed the very basic premise of beingness in this world as Life, which doesn’t require to ‘strive’ to be.

 

I commit myself to provide common sense and support for beings that are currently being trapped within the gender-roles within society and believing that being a male or female in any way represents one or another form of limitation – in this, I commit myself to promote equal living abilities for all beings, including animals and the consideration of the environment wherein we as ‘human beings’ won’t exert our own ability to abuse over nature and the animal kingdom, as we will also consider them in an equal way within all decisions and choices we vote upon in order to establish Equality as Life.

 

I commit myself to continue educating myself about how the world works, how we have existed as a perpetual stigma toward our own gender based on what we have accepted and allowed in a blind manner as ‘education’ which has been indoctrination to continue the ways of a system that only could thrive if inequality is existent.

 

I commit myself to walk my own mind to see where I could still harbor this ‘gender roles’ as dictated by society, and within this ensure that whenever I speak, I speak as a living being that holds no preference for a particular gender, but represents the words that I as a living being see are pertinent to communicate to re-establish the will of Life as living words in each one of us, which is a process of Self Honesty that we walk and share at Desteni.

 

“I commit myself to show why and how – the only solution to ourselves, humanity and so this world: is ourselves within ourselves as God/Energy-Authority/Consciousness control of separation, taking responsibility and walk ourselves into and as equality and oneness with and as the physical-body, and eventually this physical existence through and as the process of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. To, as we stop the separation within, and standing and living absolute equality and oneness as ourselves with and as the physical, we will so stop the separation without, and walk this world/current World-System into and as a System of and as Equality and Oneness, that ensure this world of sacrifice/suffering stop in the name of money, for each to have an equal and one opportunity Life/Living, as we stop the sacrifice/suffering to our own physical-bodies in the name of Energy/Consciousness.” Sunette Spies *

 

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Leaving Dreams to Live the Dream into Reality

I Threw some rocks off in the sea.

And by this I mean downloading that which we have seen for ourselves already yet probably not exposed as such before, but merely let go of while walking and realizing that there is some weight we all carry around like stones – memories.

Letting go of memories is part of walking this process of Self Honesty within the realization that: I am not my memories as I am not this prefab mind that has existed only with the purpose of fulfilling some preordained life-track that I’ve merely followed as ‘myself’ as ‘who I am’, believing myself to be all the feelings and emotions that I had experienced, that’d take me to that up and down ride in quite a disruptive manner – man, it wasn’t cool. Even if I’d kid myself about ‘feeling alive’ when going in these rides, I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to keep myself existing that way for a long time, seemed to tiring, seemed like I could drive myself nuts at any time – yeah, that’s how it was when I’d participate on the mind extensively mostly generating emotions and feelings around this.

A part of the rocks I’ve thrown at the sea is all these dreams that I had in relation to ‘who I want to be’ – lol when I write this several images come up and a twitch on my left knee indicate: yep, this is it: Egoland!

Sweet Dreams are Made of this

So! First memory of ‘what I wanted to be’  was an astronaut. As a kid – and I didn’t even know how to read at that age so it must’ve been a bit early on – I used to take this book about the space travels and the universe and I’d go page by page looking at the pictures just wanting to be Buzz Aldrin or someone like that. I seriously considered on my early ages becoming one until my oldest sister said: nah, your eyesight is not cool and your heart has a slight arrhythmia – you would never make it past their rigorous medical exams to test health condition. So, I gave up the dream just like that – saw myself unfit for it.

Next on was ‘ I wanna be in a rock band’ yeah! As a ‘kid’ later on mostly around 7 I became fond of watching music videos on MTV. I developed a taste for the rebels that I’d see on tv as ‘rock people’ and so, yeah I wanted to be one of them. My heroes weren’t cartoon people but women that were leading rock bands or any other girl that’d be in all-male bands so, you can get the picture of it. I developed a lot of my then personality around that, extensively – though I’ve accepted some of those traits as myself to be open and share and express regardless of any limitation I perceived, so that’s cool – yeah won’t deny I also walked through the ‘shadowy’ part of it, but that’s another story. Being in a band was my ‘third option’ in terms of ‘professional career’

The dream I had when I was on my teens – this was around 2001 was – and I’m gonna write it literally – being the editor in chief of Spin magazine – lol. Yes I enjoyed music, I still do, I was obsessed with music and had gathered a lot of information about it, I was a devoted music junky for some time which occupied most of my time so I was kind of ‘preparing’ myself because I wanted to someday get an internship at that magazine and ‘make it’ to New York and have a super fab loft living on the big apple, having some nice coffee next door, writing for this magazine, hanging out with artists and party in New York. I used to read books that were mostly related to or based in New York, lots of Beat books and generation x-related content. I wanted to ‘make it’ through my writing and at the same time, be writing for what I then thought was ‘the coolest music magazine ever’. Lol I actually got to know more about that job and how demanding and actually nut-driving it is, hardcore stuff – won’t say names of the source of info, but I’m glad I got to know that I didn’t actually pursue that dream. Lol ‘pursue’, I didn’t buy into the dream any further later on when my interests started veering towards other directions.

In between the music-magazine editor point, I simply wanted to write books – that’s still able to be done as a self-supportive action so I wont’ count that one off just yet –

Next was what eventually became my career: I want to be an artist in terms of painting, photographer or something related to visual arts. After I had spent some time playing the guitar and bass I realized that I enjoyed music too much but stressed me out to play – well there’s actually kind of a back story within this. Okay I’ll share because it’s relevant to see how we accept and allow ourselves to be limited by others. My then friend/partner would be very critical towards me playing, I would be quite nervous when playing with him, I felt unsure about the sound of it all and even if he taught me and was doing it to make everything sound better, I started simply fearing playing with him and within that suppressing myself and believing that I’m not ‘good enough’ to play music – so I stopped. I would not be chasing a career in music either as I didn’t see it as a practical thing to do in terms of my context and I stopped practicing as much to dedicate myself to painting wherein I thought I had found the ‘true love’ lol.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to suppress my expression and believe that I wasn’t ‘good’ at playing instruments without realizing that I wasn’t only playing at the standards and requirements of another – within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself believing that I had to stop playing music because of not being ‘good at it’ and within that, simply leaving the entire music creation based on that single self-accepted belief of ‘what I’m good at’

I realize I only limited myself out of my own belief and taking others’ judgments as a fact of ‘who I am’ which is the point I forgive myself for to never allow myself to belittle myself in terms of being capable of doing something out of the belief, idea as judgment that I could ever harbor within myself upon myself.

So yes, it was 2003 and Marlen got a craving for painting. I limited myself within it from the very beginning, I knew I’d be wanting to make lots of paintings so I bought some cheap watercolors which were more like colorful liquid inks and started working with that for the entire summer. I had ‘so much to say’ … looking at my pictures back then I could see much of the stuff I had participated in terms of being a self-tormented being, belittling myself, seeing myself as unworthy and kind of existing in this constant desire for a certain relationship – man it sucked but painting and doing ‘my thing’ became a resort through my highschool years – that’s where I began drawing. Never saw myself as ‘great’ doing it, but I knew I had something to say, probably never had the virtuoso skills but still that’s the dream that I chased far enough.

When I finished highschool, I wanted to go straight into arts school but my parents didn’t want me to leave home and go to the ‘big city’ so, I applied and got into university in my home city wherein I studied my second choice for one year: literature and linguistics. That was cool for a while but I knew I could not spent my days revisiting old greek books and trying to find something else in there – I wanted to create. And so after long hours of discussing the point, I got actually motivated by a then friend of mine to apply for two art schools in Mexico City – and so I did. Lol I was so fearful because I knew that there was a possibility for my parents to not allow me to do it, or support me in that, but I did it anyway and it turned out I got into the National Arts School and so the ‘dream’ began.

I was so happy for having ‘made it’, like actually convincing my parents to go there and convincing myself that ‘this was it’ that I was going to actually do what I had always wanted to be: an artist.

I breathe and I’m here – I began that career in the fall of 2006, just today I saw an exhibition of the art work that people do on their first year – you can see all the ‘dreams’ in their work, that drive, that dedication. I was like that the first year full on, head on, seeking to have the best reputation which I kind of obtained from my teachers that year. Living alone and so forth was like ‘liberating’ in so many ways, totally enjoyed it.

Second year began and my drive to ‘search’ for something else than art began – or the mix thereof with a ‘higher purpose’. Yes, the lightworker design was kicking in a lot and so I spent hours and hours not paying much attention to art but philosophies and religions and occultism because I was seeking for God – lol. Now I laugh but man, it was quite extensive to say the least. One of my dreams was creating a new religion, an all encompassing religion, one that would bring the best of all that I had read into one – fascinating because I ‘d take notes and kind of get overtly excited about it at the time. I wanted to have a ‘certainty’ of the religion/ practice I’d follow to then base my art upon it and create a new ‘sacred art’ devoted for that single ‘dream’ that I had of serving god or serving a ‘greater purpose’ and what I had deemed was my ‘Mission in Life’

LOL Yeah the infamous mission in life – okay, so that all mixed up with my intense desires of being famous which actually got me into having my first artist flick in an exhibition abroad wherein I got to see the ‘true colors’ of fame and art as a business and so forth – had a great time in what I called the beginning of the end of Marlen as that bunch of dreams started crumbling down. I’m so glad I had that early experience on ‘being an artist’ and doing promotion and having the life of a ‘famous one’ man, it sucks! lol and I was so into ‘meditation’ and ‘stilling the mind’ and all Alan Watts type of books that to me having to be ‘promoting myself’ was too disruptive for the ego that I was creating of a calm and “spiritual being” while I was already quite hooked on weed which would lead me to buy in some other country and kind of being driven by that desire all the time – yikes. Anyways, the downward spiral began there, november 20007. I knew there was something going on like ‘death’ was on the air. Yes the death of all those dreams because I saw myself not enjoying it – art, fame, fortune suddenly seemed like a nasty thing to be craving for and so all I wanted is for it to end though, I can see how I required to go through that to then be able to say: this is it! This is not my idea of a good time.

Got back to Mexico, school and the ‘glory’ of a first exhibition abroad, saw how easy it is to grow one’s ego upon stuff like that, saw how easy it is to take on the role that the world expects you to play. I breathe and I’m here and I remember how from there I wanted to create a non-mainstream type of art, a ‘sacred art’. Got myself into more esoteric stuff, alchemy, tarot, many other stuff until I got to the mayan calendar and from there into Desteni.

I don’t require to explain anything else from there on – all the dreams crumbled down when I realized what a selfish mind I had been all the way, just wanting to have all the fame, fortune and glory and promoting some ‘god’ that doesn’t exist. I had quite a breakdown the first few days like ‘Oh my god! I’m not Real! this has all been a scam!’ Lol – but anyways got over it as I started exchanging emails with people at Desteni and got immediate support to start walking my process – that was January/Febuary 2008 and the rest is history.

Right now I’ve completed my credits on this career and I’ll certainly open up points that I see in relation to that ‘dream’ that I followed and the reality of it at this moment and how I’m linking that to the actual creation and creative process of creating myself as an actual human living being.

Throwing such stones of ‘dreams’ away seemed like the hardest thing to do at some point for me – they were this ‘thing’ that would apparently ‘keep me running’, like this ‘chase’ that I was striving for and willing to do anything for. It became quite clear how when I realized that all those dreams stood for nothing else than personal glory that I had in fact never ever considered dedicating myself to something that could be Best for All – I saw myself as having ‘something to say’ in relation to changing the world, but never actually becoming that point myself first. So I had to stop being a wreck of emotions and feelings and habits that were certainly unsustainable and got myself on-line with regards to myself, extensively self forgiving my past, letting go of regrets, letting go of the relationship that I had literally built myself around to keep in place – man, that was a hard one and till this day I still get thoughts on that, imagine therefore: constant self direction is required – and other points had to be let go of such as seeking this ‘fame’ that I had realized was not what I was looking for.

It became fascinating to see how everything that I did within Desteni became that actual rewarding self experience for myself. I finally ‘felt’ that I had found my place as I was starting to create myself as that which is supportive themselves and supporting others on the way – this is simply IT I mean, what other dream is there to fulfill but the actual realization of who we are as Life and within that actually creating a world that’s best for all? I wanted that, I sought for that but never found the way to it.

We got the way, we are here creating and paving the way beginning with ourselves. I threw out those rocks of illusions and dreams to actually get myself grounded on my two feet and actually work with myself to stop pursuing dreams and get into creating myself as a single point in this reality that can take on a position to create an actual change in this world, a position of supporting this entire process, a position wherein I’m most effective within the overall outcome which must be Equality as Life – and from this it’s actually walking the dream that I had sought for through my existence, yet all the preprogrammed desires had to be placed aside to actually get to see that I can actually will myself to do this without it being a pre-laid desire or wish to do in my reality. That’s where self creation kicks in, that’s where self-will and the actual movement of myself within this comes in.

The weight is off as I’ve seen the ‘dreams’ for the illusions they were, for the personal desires they stood for which were all experienced based really, all but flicks of spontaneous glitter that would inevitably go off leaving me with the same ‘void’ that I tried to ‘fill’ from the very beginning.

Once I realized there is no void to be empty of, but to actually start considering myself as all that exist I am in the process of creating myself as that dream that is doable, feasible within the terms of what’s best for all – the dream is no longer ego-based but life-based, a collective dream that many of us around the world are walking into a reality – that’s Desteni and I’ve never been that grateful in my existence for having this opportunity to finally GET REAL and step down from my smoky clouds of house of cards that I’d built for personal entertainment.

What’s best for all is best for you is best for me – that’s the ultimate dream to realize through practical application of us giving to another what we want for ourselves, of us actually standing as a new human being that doesn’t require to fulfill fallacious dreams, but is willing to stand as a pillar for Life in Equality, ‘giving up’ the illusion that we were anyways and birthing ourselves into actual physical beings that can create a system that’s actually beneficial for all living beings on Earth.

Now our reality is here, no we walk as equals and make sure we get to create our dream to come true: Equal Money System that will enable all other dreams to come true once we’re no longer fighting for survival, fighting for each other and fighting over our own self-accepted limitations.

I don’t have or require any other dream in life but creating a world that’s best for all because within that all the other dreams would simply become an actual choice of experience instead of something that I wanted to to do ‘escape the system’ – no way, we’re here to change the system works and within that, liberating all life forms in this world from the enslavement of ourselves as our minds projected into a reality that believed in a heaven and salvation – that’s no more.

We’re here and walking our dreams into reality, a single dream that no longer stands for that ever elusive chain of desires and wishes based on money and fortune– all I want in life is for ALL to have a dignified Life as Equals–from there, I can see myself being fulfilled as an actual living being and thus having the actual time and disposition to explore life for real.

This is Not over yet, it only just begun.


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