Tag Archives: femininity

610. The Mirror Process: Changing How I Look at Myself and Others

 

I watched a couple of videos from SOUL about the mirror process which is based on how we tend to judge, compare ourselves to other people based on certain appearances and expression that we judge as being better than our own or us lacking what we see in others, and I could relate a lot to what Sunette explained based on her own experience related to this.

What I recently found is that even if I thought I had worked through this kind of physical appearance self judgment, I definitely faced new aspects of it based on how I related in an instant to a certain woman that I got to meet and how intense this reaction was which certainly too me aback, shifting the way that I experienced myself in one single moment from being the regular comfortable self to suddenly feeling super heavy, stifled and generally tense where I could feel that any smile that I was able to muster in that moment was mostly coming out of the politics of meeting someone for the first time, but I knew that I wasn’t myself in that moment, I knew that I was in fact experiencing a mini-possession that was entirely based on how I defined someone’s appearance to be ‘everything that I am not’ as the ‘opposite’ of myself and regarding that appearance and expression as the epitome of being a graceful, beautiful and feminine woman.

Now, this is about experiencing jealousy and envy based on thinking and perceiving in my head that ‘this is what a female should look like’ and in that by default going back to assuming, thinking and perceiving that I’m not that, I’m not good looking enough, that I don’t have such fine-toned and perfectly shaped body – which I’ve defined as a tiny/small body structure and slim body – and how I immediately got a bit impressed by how this person would have a smile on their face and almost radiating such graceful expression that I judged as overwhelming or ‘too much for my taste,’ which mostly has to do with being intimidated by such ability that some people have to appear almost radiant to my eyes and my perception, almost like beaming with joy or happiness or simple grace that turns it all into an elusive expression for me.

This is also because of how I had previously judged that kind of people in my past and had not entirely resolved my judgments, which led me to see those expressions as fake or not genuine, etc. But! I later on found how these were my ‘defense mechanisms’ to make another ‘less than me’ and project and define all these negative associations to immediately ‘protect’ me from looking back at myself as the origin of every single one of these definitions, assumptions and judgments that I had concocted in a matter of minutes that such interaction lasted, and that was enough for me to have to take care of this whole stifling reaction within me based on appearances, judgments, ideals, projections that led me to feel insecure, less than, seeing myself as totally incapable of ‘ever being someone like that’ which I’ll be sharing how I’ve been walking through this in order to ground each aspect back to reality.

So what I had to do was to first understand and remind myself that every single judgment, idea, perception and experience was a creation of my own, and that I had to realize that whenever I am going into this insta-comparison towards other women based on appearances it means that there are points where I have yet to work on embracing my own physical body as is, my own bone structure, physical form, shape, weight and general appearance as is, because there is no way we can ever change how those essential aspects of our body look like, and no matter how much we would ‘like’ to look in a particular way, it’s physically impossible to do so – and instead the question would be what am I imagining, perceiving or thinking that I would ‘feel’ or ‘express’ differently if I had certain shape or form in my physical body, with a particular skin type or color of eyes or hair and overall looks? And why would I create such scenario within me to create a conflict within me as a hypothetical situation that is not realistic at all?

If I answer that then I would feel more comfortable, graceful and joyful in my expression, then I can already see where am I not living those words as myself because of believing that ‘It doesn’t suit my physical body’ or ‘I am not beautiful enough to express myself like that’ or ‘I am not fit enough to wear such clothes’ and so forth.

Here it’s also convenient to say how I’ve learned a lot from other people walking similar processes in their own lives and bodies and how I’ve taken note of many aspects they’ve shared in relation to appreciating their body, there’s Matti who has shared and walked this point as well as Anna Brix, she has been very open in walking her process to embrace her physical body and I suggest checking them out to see how they walked their points.

I realized that I also have to learn to appreciate seeing certain types of people and acknowledge when they are in fact appearing as beautiful to me or others. This applies to both males and females and see it for what they are, when people have a particular physiognomy that one can regard as beautiful and see it for what it is, a pleasing aesthetic experience. Though in this, also not to reduce the entirety of a person to an aesthetic experience, this doesn’t mean that I have to ‘be that’ or ‘look like that’ in order to be ‘pleasing’ to my eyes or others’ eyes. This is about changing who I am behind how I decide to look at myself and others.

That’s where the point of change comes in as well where I am the one that has to change how I relate to people at first sight, from remaining at a very superficial level of seeing shapes and colors and forms and defining them as beautiful or not – or whether I acknowledge that as the ‘first impression’ that it is and move towards getting to know the person and see who they are as an individual, rather than going away with that first judgment of ‘oh they are beautiful, they are so graceful and joyful, I am not any of that’ and immediately going into an inferiority and self-diminishing position that I created in my own mind and so making it a limiting experience for myself, because it prevents me from actually getting to know the person.

So I had to take a moment to write this situation out and write all the self-forgiveness related to every single judgment, belief, fear, desire, perception that I created that led me to have such an overwhelming reaction to seeing this person for the first time and also ‘caging’ the person in a particular ‘type of person’ that I would not regularly decide to approach or relate to in my life based on the sense of inferiority I would create myself when in the presence of someone that looks and behaves in a similar way, which I turned into negative judgments as a way to see myself ‘above’ that – that’s another mind-construct there that I had to understand in order to see how I perpetuate this inferiority and superiority based on my own judgments and perceptions, and forgive myself for that.

I’ve realized within this all how I am the one that is perpetuating this kind of appearance-judgments in my own mind and how I activate them in an almost instant manner where I am constantly assessing ‘where I stand’ in comparison to other females in my environment, especially related as well to females and fear of loss when it comes to relationships at the same time, where I then fear that my partner would ‘prefer a certain kind/type of body’ and that I am ‘not that for them’ and in doing so, create a plethora of ideas, beliefs, imaginations that I create solely on assuming that ‘I am not perfect enough in my physical body, I am not that pretty, I am not that feminine, I am not that graceful’ based on a comparison made towards another female that I judged to be embodying that in their expression, and assuming that ‘that is more desirable for a man’.

So, how I proceeded to assist me to walk this point is writing all of these judgments out and self forgive them one by one, so that I could see and understand I was the only one that decided to make myself inferior and so uncomfortable in the presence of another human being. I knew that I would not be ‘okay’ within myself until I could walk through this point and actually face the person at least a second time to test out my living corrections, which I got to do and actually get to interact with them for more than 5 minutes – lol – and focus on easing myself in my body, being comfortable and embracing who I am in my body and in my expression in the moment – that means stopping any judgments in my mind.

What did that practically entail? I had to decide to get the idea of me having to ‘be like her’ out of my mind. I had to remind myself of my individual expression which comes in the shape, form and type of body that I have, the face that I have, the weight that I have, the bone structure that I have, the color of eyes, hair and type of skin that I have and that in no way could I keep tormenting myself with aspiring to ‘look like’ another person in any way. It would be like a certain kind/type of tree wanting to become another kind of tree, namely a pine wanting to be like a palm – that is the basic analogy I can remind myself of whenever I am going into this body/appearance comparison, which means I have to embrace me being this particular type and kind of body that I have which I have been aware I can embrace and enjoy as myself and how I can be particularly fine within me and my expression whenever I am not desiring to be someone completely different in order to fulfill an idea or belief of ‘what I would prefer to look like,’ which is again, based on my own limitations of what I’ve defined as beautiful or aesthetically pleasing.

So the real change takes place when I stop focusing on judging myself, my looks, my demeanor ‘when compared to’ other females that I’ve particularly defined as more gentle, feminine and graceful. This also means that I had to instead look at how am I living those words in my own way already or where I can expand my expression and embrace ways of expressing that I’ve suppressed because of thinking that it looks ‘fake’ or not genuine’ – not realizing that I am the only one that knows ‘who I am’ behind any smile, any expression through voice tonality, gestures and words. That’s my self-honesty point and within this, I saw that I am expressing such femininity in my own particular way already and how I simply have to let go of expressing a particular ‘form’ or ‘idea’ of femininity linked to a particular physical appearance that I have defined as ‘more feminine’ that my own, which means: I can embody femininity in my own particular way.

Same with joy, I am aware how I can express joy in a boundless manner yet in a different way than if compared to that particular person in such moment, which means that, of course! I’d always be setting up myself for ‘failure’ whenever I start comparing myself to anyone else for that matter based on how I am living certain words and how they are living certain words or aspects within themselves. This is an interesting trick we create in our minds where we are always setting up ourselves to feel ‘less than’ when trying to ‘have exactly the same’ that others have, instead of simply focusing on what we are/have and seeing what we can develop within ourselves, within our own particular body and expression, because that’s ultimately what individuality is all about, not attempting to ‘be just like someone else’ in form, shape and expression, but learn to see others as sources of words and expressions that we can mirror back to ourselves to see what can I learn from them? How can I express such words in my own body and living experience?

An example is how based on how I had judged similar ‘kinds of people’ in the past, I got to experience my own backlash in that moment based on how I had defined me as not being able to be ‘genuinely’ expressing myself in a joyous and graceful manner without ‘faking’ it a bit – but I’ve realized that it all has to do with how I decide to stand in relation to particular words and expressions and how I had for the most part judged such expressions as ‘fake’ based on my own perceived inability to express them myself. But, once that I got to see how I can in fact enjoy and express myself and how I can relate to people, I can see that I am already being quite comfortable and joyful in my expression, it simply won’t be expressed ‘the same way’ as I can see it in other people, and that’s OK lol.

It’s astounding how much we can keep ourselves stuck in our heads trying to be like/look like ‘somebody else’ which is a pointless thing to do or even attempt; although yes some do go to that point with all current surgeries and stuff like that and I’m not judging it, because now I understand how far we can take ourselves to do something like that to ‘look the same’ as someone else and how it is all driven by an idea, belief or perception of how we think we will FEEL about ourselves IF having this/that physical appearance, while in fact it all exists within ourselves.

We each have the power to decide how we feel, experience and express ourselves within our one and only physical body that I definitely have to, for once and for all, stop seeing as an image presentation that can be ‘compared’ to others, and start acknowledging it as the marvel of life it in fact is, where the skin and structure of the body is only a part of it, yet there’s so much more to this that we are that enables us to live and not only in a ‘basic vital’ manner, it enables us to have the ability to embody/live and express words, actions, decisions, intentions and creations.

That’s how I want to establish my relationship with my physical body, not to cage it or define it in a particular form, shape, color, weight, bone structure or skin type, but seeing it as the actual breathing body of life that I am embodying in order to give myself the opportunity to actually live in it/as it, which means, stopping for once and for all perpetuating the judgments, the comparisons, the envy and jealousy towards other bodies and their appearance and instead focus on seeing me as the life that I can express and live every single moment of every day.

This sounds easy as a solution, but the actual challenging part is to physically change my experience, my expression in those moments where comparison and envy are rearing their head within me and remind myself every single time of the decision to focus on myself as a person that lives and expresses, to expand from the limited immediate definitions and judgments based on what I immediately see through my eyes and go one step further to generate interest and consideration to see what other people are all about, getting to know them, talk to them without being comparing myself to them every single moment. This is the challenging part, but in the situation that I’ve shared here I realized that ‘the next day’ after I had processed a lot of these points through writing, I was able to change my behavior towards that person and be more at ease. This resonant or personality of ‘inferiority’ experience wasn’t completely diffused/gone in that moment, but it definitely was quite a change from feeling heavy, stuck, stifled towards the other person to a more flowy and expressive self which is more like ‘me’ on a regular basis.

What I’ve found in terms of these points that I’ve faced with both males and females is that we tend to essentially make everything that we see as a potential expression within ourselves a source of desire, which is why towards males it led me to ‘desire them’ as in experiencing attraction – which is something I’ve walked in detail at the beginning of this year as well – or towards females in the form of jealousy, envy and comparison, which is more related to wanting to ‘be like them/look like them’ so that ultimately I could be liked/desired/wanted by males the same way I assume/perceive that other males would find them attractive. But, who is in fact defining all of this? I am! Therefore that means that I can change who I am in relation to seeing males and females and comparing myself to other beings in the form of ‘lack’ or ‘desire’ and instead move into seeing: What can I learn from them? How can I expand my own expression and life by integrating a word/living action that I see they are living in their own lives?

So, just as I did with males and instead of seeing them as ‘objects of desire’ because of particular words and expressions they portray, I can do the same with women where instead of immediately seeing myself as either ‘more’ or ‘less than’ someone based on judgments, ideas or perceptions – no matter how subtle or overwhelming – I can always take the point back to myself, work through my emotional reactions towards it, understand them as my creation and originating from me – not anything or anyone else, not society, not stereotypes but my own mind and judgments – and within that rather learning to see, embrace and appreciate someone else for the totality of who they are.

There are times where people tend to say that we have to only focus on what’s ‘in the inside’ and nevermind the outside, but I consider that’s also diminishing or relegating the physical body to a ‘lesser’ stance. It makes one push aside the image factor and make it ‘less than’ the actions, words and expressions that a person represents, instead of seeing a person as the totality of who they are as a body, mind, expression as a whole, no need to make one aspect more than the other. It really all boils down to how I relate to myself and my physical body, whether I am still living in judgment towards myself or whether I am more focusing on living me, living in the flesh/body that I am and using it – for a lack of a better word – to live and express the person that I am in the process of creating as myself.

By doing so, I learn to see people as an expression of their individual and particular body, mind and being and see them as sources of inspiration – when it applies – to see what expressions I am admiring, liking or enjoying in them that I can see I can integrate or incorporate into my own life and day to day experience. That makes me see people as equals, as living bodies that I can always learn from in one way or another, that I can get to know and understand rather than keeping myself at a very limited experience of judging certain appearances and expressions, go into an emotional experience of ‘lacking that’ or ‘desiring that’ and separating myself from that person… yep, that’s not the way to go here.

I also acknowledge that as much as I got taken over by this experience, I also I had the diligence to work on it as soon as I was able to, because I could not be ok within myself and my physical experience based on that reaction, so that’s also based on how I am living that honor and regard towards myself as a living being that understands how stiffing, uncomfortable and generally destructive it is to remain in that kind of reaction and separation towards another human being. And it was sincerely a relief to test my own decision to see them as a person – rather than a source of qualities ‘I don’t possess’ – and relate to the person in a very different manner.

Of course there’s much more to learn and change myself when it comes to seeing these ‘resonant symbols’ as women particularly that I have tended to compare myself to for most of my life, and in that remind myself of the basic steps I’ve shared in this blog related to recognizing, appreciating and embracing individual’s expressions in the totality of who they are, getting to know them – if the opportunity arises – and rather using those moments whenever I am seeing I am about to get possessed by the comparison-judgment reaction into a reminder of embracing me, which implies understanding that equality also means embracing each one’s particular and unique bodies, expressions and living experiences as they are, starting with my own.

Thanks for reading and check these SOUL videos out to understand more about the mirror process for yourself:

The Mirror Process

The Mirror Practice – Part 2

  

Self-Honesty

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


Day 24: Supervixen

 

Teasing, Tantalizing, chasing after chasing… all are experiences that we have become so used to as human beings, as consumers, as pictures within this picture world wherein energy as experiences is what has defined our life, sometimes entire lifetimes were defined according to keeping up a certain experience such as what I had lived  in a rather ‘unnoticed’ yet deliberate manner which is teasing/ tantalizing men specifically and getting always an experience out of it which was in the category of power and feeling ‘good’ about that.

 

This emerges as that seemingly uncanny and seemingly ‘natural’ pull that we have toward the opposite sex- of course being a heterosexual – and in that, participating in the constant friction that is created whenever a man and a woman are within the same ‘realm’ and reality and creating/ developing any form of relationship, which doesn’t necessarily have to be a ‘partnership,’ but any given encounter, friendship, school, work mates wherein I as a woman became aware of how easy it was to manipulate another man out of imposing myself in a way that could say – without words – ‘I am a woman and I can have you bow down to me’ – or so it seemed like that in my own mind.

 

It’s interesting because I learned these words from songs that I would hear when I was 9/10 years which was the time in the 90’s where all of these ‘powerful women in music’ were having a sudden uplift within media, and I simply wanted to be like them. I would ‘resonate’ with the presence and powerful personality that seemed to draw everyone’s attention to them. And within having the ability to relate to men in quite an ‘easy way’ due to how I became aware of this ability at a very young age, I used this as a form of  entertainment wherein I would make use of this form of manipulation to get a man to notice me/ want me/ desire me according to how much ‘input’ I would place into as attention that I would create or that I would deliberately manipulate myself into to ‘match’ what I would see would be wanted/ desired by such beings.

 

The point to clarify is how I really only wanted that initial playful and seemingly ‘innocent flirt’ that would keep me going for a while wherein I would enjoy having this sexual tension with other beings without having to go any further than that – which is what was mostly ‘unexpected’ by the counterparts, because I wasn’t really interesting in anything else other than keeping up that tension, just like keeping up a ‘flame’ until the candle burns out and consume and that was it – off to the next round and that was a rather ‘innocent way’ of looking at it, and it became such a ‘natural’ thing to do that I had not really questioned until one of my partners pointed out that I was such a flirtatious girl and I didn’t want to accept it because accepting it means my ego is destroyed and my secret forces of ‘power’ over others would be debunked, my ‘mojo’ would be lost – lol

 

So, this came up when I was walking yesterday and I saw a man that I know by default I would have obviously reacted to within myself in an energetic surge indicating that I was attracted to him, and the moment that I realized that, I deliberately breathed through it, to not participate, not glance, not do any seemingly ‘unconscious move’ that become those little points that are read as body language as a form of mutual recognition in one split moment that people can simply walk past by and just ‘flirt,’ and participate in that flirt without any other ‘consequence’ – apparently. What I see is that within me participating in such seemingly ‘unnoticed’ flirts, I am giving into a personality that was built over time wherein this power game toward men was developed. And I mean, this is not something ‘new,’ I guess that we all participate it in one way or another and there’s a series of interviews that explain the entire sexualization of relationships within this world wherein everyone is constantly participating in this, without noticing, calling it ‘human nature’ without having understood before WHY – now we know.

 

So, within me becoming aware of this at an early age, I used it in means of building myself as this ‘strong woman’ that can kick men’s asses and still be safe, because no men could ‘get back at me’ because of being a woman. And in this, I became rather cruel at some point – mostly when not really considering another in such relationships, because I wasn’t really aware of what I was ‘building’ while giving these little hints of teasing and tantalizing wherein I knew that I was definitely not going any further than that, but eventually the counterparts would believe that it would and the whole friendship/ relationship would just crumble down because I had simply given ‘false illusions’ to others – apparently.

 

Yet, this whole experience was just like ‘fun’ to me, like a pastime wherein I didn’t really consider what effect I was causing within others – and the same with some non-lasting relationships wherein because I ran out of the excitement quite fast, I simply would break up and that’s it.  It’s interesting how even in relationships the ‘who breaks up with who’ as in who ended the relationship can be turned into a ‘power game.’

 

I’m just realizing to what extent I came to live these lyrics of songs wherein women become like a religion to men, this ‘unattainable’ object of desire. And I had quite a moment just hours ago when I was scraping through the topic wherein one of those men that I had experienced such ‘tantalizing’ toward just suddenly sent an email out of nowhere in years, which made me react only in a sudden laughter while thinking ‘oh fuck what am I doing!?’ I can say that this is one of the weak-points wherein, as I’ve said before, the ground is not yet cemented and I realize that there is certainly a lot to learn and walk within this aspect of human relationships.

 

So for a moment I was a bit stuck within this writing because I knew that this is one of those nitty gritty points that I could deem as me being absolutely evil toward some men in my past. I also realized how I had victimized myself in my head more than what it was in reality in terms of relationships,  due to me manipulating memories to suit my martyrdom when in fact, I would put another through quite a hell of a ride with my jaded nature toward their ‘feelings’ when it all would come to an end – wherein I would be moving on and they would be still seeking out for that same experience somehow. I created some arrogance within me out of that and mirrored myself in relationships wherein that power game would not recede into submission, but was kept as a one on one, a ‘perfect match’ in terms of keeping the power game alive.

 

And so, this is just the ‘tip of the iceberg’ to debunk Marlen von Tease because I became so used to such experience that I would eventually not even notice, until it was really really obvious and absolutely deliberate to go fully into it, which indicates a fucked up way to begin any relationship with –therefore, a lot to give back to myself in order to stop the desire for these ‘sparks in life’ for the sake of some variety show in our day to day living.

 

The interesting point is how after I stopped participating in what I would have deemed an obvious and certain flirting corresponding that being while walking/ passing by, was me perceiving myself as asexual, dead or even wondering if I seem like such a detached person or plain lesbian. So, fascinating to see how when I stop participating I immediately perceived myself as ‘inert,’ and immediately obviously realizing how it was simply a trick of the mind to then feel ‘odd’ and create an entire mindfuck out of it – which is obviously not necessary. It’s simply realizing the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ after I’d been so used to always participate in these seemingly ‘fleeting moments in my reality’ that we apparently don’t ‘pay much attention to,’ without ever really wanting to look at them and understand the level of identification and personality is held within these power games.

 

I guess that listening to songs like Supervixen shaped quite a chunk of my views about women and men and these tantalization process- you can hear cryptic words that I gave meanings to, all obviously related to this power that women can have toward males as you can read in the comment section below the lyrics to it.

 

It’s never really about another, it’s only us being vampires by using another’s image to such ourselves dry with creating an experience out of another in an almost irrational manner, let’s call it ‘automated vampirism’ for the purpose of seeing it as the program it is to keep an energy-sucking system alive.  

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn at a very young age that women were able to have men ‘at their feet’ due to this ability to use a woman’s ‘charms’ to get the most attention and in that, creating within myself an energetic experience that would make me feel ‘good’ about myself, which means that I deliberately participated in teasing men in surreptitious ways wherein I knew that I could tantalize someone for the sake of experiencing ‘power’ over another.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rejoice when being able to intimidate another being for the sake of weighing myself as superior, as having the ability to instigate a certain reaction on another as that would mean that ‘I was able to push their buttons’ and so, use it for my personal benefit to add-up to my score of being this witty smart ass girl that could not be easily fooled, which was only a game inside my head anyways, because I definitely experienced the exact opposite when the time came for me to really live it in a form of relationship.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in the energetic reward of flirting through teasing another with physical movements that would suggest interest and attention, simply because of how ‘I’ would experience myself about it, which indicates that it was never really about another – therefore

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use only another person as a image to develop these power games within my mind, where the female had the man ‘at her feet’ and I that, following the ideas of how women were able to astonish an entire crowd if the right moves, the right voice, the right hand movements, the right clothes were fitted into a sellable package wherein any positive feedback about it, would allow me to fulfill the intended experience of flirting/ teasing in an ‘innocent manner.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just get an energetic kick out of realizing that I enjoyed talking in cryptic manners where people would not be able to fully understand what I had to say, and in that seeing if I could instigate an experience of powerlessness within them, I had then the right to support such diminishment by following their own reactions and blowing them out of proportion –all this done in a seemingly playful manner within me, without realizing the actual effects this could case within another, because I was only considering my experience and energetic kick in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get a sense of power over others whenever I could say something that would be similar to playing a poker game wherein I knew exactly what effect my words would get in the moment, in this becoming like a vampire that would suck out the moment that the projected and expected reaction came up, as in my mind I would say: I knew it, I was right, everyone’s so predictable – without realizing that all such games were a literal mindfuck between me and my own mind, wherein I would get a kick out of these experiences in a very subtle yet addictive manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in subtle yet deliberate games of gaining attention from males, wherein I sought to create/trigger an effect/reaction on another, which would in response create an experience within me that I could feel ‘good’ about as that sensation of being ‘more’ through instigating a reaction within others which is seeking attention but within the context of a sexual nature.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adopt ways of perceiving and categorizing men that I learned from lyrics in music written by these ‘strong-female characters’ that I idolized, wherein I learned about the thrill of being able to tease men and have men ‘at your feet/ bowing down to you’ wherein I simply adopted this way of thinking which made me part of the people that thought that females ‘had the control’ because of the sexual desires that are able to be instigated with ‘great ease,’ by using the female flirt and teasing as a way to power up or light up a certain ‘sparkle’ in another that will keep them ‘coming back for more.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever rejoice in being able to diminish and be rather cruel toward men that I knew couldn’t ‘get back at me’ because ‘I am a female, I am powerful and I can’t be dissed by a male’ – in this I recognize that I used the ‘female character’ and characteristics as a shield to be able to get a kick out of teasing men in subtle ways, wherein I would just enjoy the experience from the answers I would get which were those of paying attention to myself in a way that would make me feel ‘wanted’ and ‘desired’ and ‘accepted’ yet using demeaning ways to get such attention.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play these power games within the consideration that ‘I am a female and I can have power over a male,’ while playing the ‘strong’ and ‘powerful’ woman, when in reality, I would diminish and go into the opposite whenever I would deem that the man was ‘more powerful’ than I was – I see and realize that these ‘power games’ between male and female are part of the usual mind-games that use a sexual-attraction in a secretive/ subtle way, so that each one is able to keep the necessary ‘pose’ in place and still get the energetic kick out of experiencing ourselves as either good for having power over another or miserable when being ‘at the bottom.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that because I am a woman, I am the one that is ‘dominated’ by a male, while in fact I did play the role of using the female character as a way to play the dominant role, through instigating a desire that I would then use as a ‘reward’ which I would increase my ego with, within feeding another’s obsessions and my obsessions to keep myself occupied within these mind games that I would give my power away to, believing that I was feeding only another’s obsessions to keep them eating from my hand, neglecting the fact that it all happened in my own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself as a way to trigger experiences in another that could be regarded as ‘compliments’ in a subtle manner, wherein I would only instigate reactions without following through the entire relationship game, which means that I would only keep the ‘suspense’ in place for the sake of continuing that power game, until it would run out/ fade out and the interest would recede until it was simply not fed any longer.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an idea of a femme fatale that would enjoy  seeing men suffer, within the belief/ idea/ perception that men had dominated women for so long that it was ‘my time’ to ‘take revenge’ and in that, becoming part of the incipient feminism that I would see on TV/ media/ music world and in that, believing that it’s cool to tantalize men and that’s it, like getting someone drunk and high for a moment without giving any further steps to follow all the way through what such flirting/ teasing usually leads to in the ‘normal world.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever enjoy being able to tease men that were ‘my friends’ just because of wanting to debunk their entire façade of being ‘strong men’ toward the rest of the people, and in that, feel better about myself for being able to expose this that I deemed the ‘real them’ while in fact I was only doing it because of the excitement and enjoyment that ‘I’ would get from ‘grounding someone’ that ‘bossy’ or ‘arrogant’ – yet without really considering what type of energy I was getting from such events as only creations and power games in my own mind.

 

Yesterday I went past a man that I would have had a reaction to as an attraction, wherein you experience that fuzzy feeling in your stomach and I was aware right before it manifested, hence I deliberately breathed and didn’t participate in the moment wherein I had become an automated flirt toward men that I would have a visual reaction to, without considering what such ‘innocent flirt’ or ‘teasing’ can lead-to by just participating in this game with looking back at another or doing a single physical movement that indicates that ‘the game is on.’

In this I realize that I had become an automated participant of these teasing games wherein it became like a hobby for me to do so, when I deemed that it was ‘worth it’ to play the game – yet getting quite scared of the person getting the ‘wrong message’ and going ‘too far’ with perceiving the entire power-game to be more serious than what I deemed as simple innocent and ‘almost non perceptible’ ways in which I could still tantalize someone, yet not engage into further ‘problems.’ Which lead me to eventually having to stop some of those ‘friendships’ in a cold-manner, because of realizing that I had been giving/sending ‘the wrong message’ all the way, wherein I then deemed myself as ‘too innocent’ and ‘not knowing what I was doing.’

 

All of this proves that the lack of communication between human beings in a direct, straightforward manner ensues misunderstandings and assumptions that can lead to events that are certainly not necessary if the points are straight from the beginning. By this I mean that whenever we engage within participating in these ‘usual/ casual flirts,’ we take responsibility for whatever comes after that, and in most cases it would lead me to have to distantiate myself from such beings in my world, because of them going ‘too far’ within the belief of ‘who I was’ or ‘what I was up to,’ which is how I realized that I could not go around just instigating others to believe that I was ‘sending a message’ as in deliberately teasing them to get a response for them for ‘something else,’ instead of me simply seeking the attention and appraise gotten in the moment and the reaction I would experience out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get infuriated if another female would do the same because then the entire ‘power game’ would be against another ‘me’ that could do the same and in that, lose my place within such being’s world, eventually just stepping aside and diminishing myself to a non-existent place within ‘their world.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am a powerful woman that can control men’ wherein I actually got to live out the exact opposite as a result of me having diminished myself within an actual relationship, wherein I see and realize that it was not always as I remember or have manipulated the relationship to be within my mind. I realize that I have blamed others for how I have experienced myself, while in fact I was actually quite rude and cruel at times toward them.

And it’s interesting to see how I had hid in the back of my head these memories of seeing that I was ‘really hurting men’ because of a ‘bad experience’ that I had as the first relationship wherein I called a relationship a failure without even really starting, which was my way of ‘washing my hands’ when seeing that I was not getting the expected energetic experience within me out of another. It was really not about ‘the other’ but what I had built and created as the idea of another inside my head for my personal benefit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and guilty for having cheated beings within relationships, simply because I was not getting enough ‘energetic highs’ out of just one being.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I actually had any power over other, when in fact it as just me imposing myself as these ideas of ‘who I am’ and instigating reactions which are no different to putting up a fight to get the reactions/ experience of having the power to make another react in a way that I can feel ‘good’ about myself, feeling ‘more’ or ‘powerful.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘bad’ for this because of realizing what type of secretive and seemingly-innocent power games I’d play, wherein any interaction with males that I would deem as ‘attractive,’ I would use as a way to fabricate my own little game to get some energy going on out of it an entertain myself in my day to day living.

 

I commit myself to stop participating in these momentary ‘fleeting flirting moments’ that recharge this entire personality of the ‘supervixen,’ to finally establish a point of equality toward people in my world, where I make sure I do not participate in any form of energetic game or experience when being with another, as I realize that within energy there is a point of separation and a point of relationship created, which usually leads us to the usual outcomes of up and down to be eventually non-existent in our world, thus going out for more.

 

I commit myself to deliberately stop myself whenever I see myself seeking a similar experience in other ways wherein the personality of being a female overrides the point of equality toward men, and in that, creating an entire set of consequences within such power games of separation. I realize that we have all agreed to ‘play these games’ wherein I was not even aware to what extent such ‘flirts’ or correspondences would be interpreted as something way-out beyond my initial intention, which is what would cause some disruption within me when finding out what I was getting myself into.

 

So, I commit myself to expose these seemingly ‘innocent power games’ that are in fact keeping entire personalities in place within ourselves, wherein we become just another bolt waiting to be ejected by having any point of fuel to be catapulted. I see that who I am is able to not participate and still remain here, regardless of any initial thought of ‘fearing losing my experience’ which is that of flirting and creating this rather primitive way of establishing relationships with the opposite sex.

 

I realize that in order for us to stand as equals, all power games must cease to exist – and all identities as roles within society of being more than and less than in a sexist manner, are only that, labels, beliefs, ideas that do not support life and what’s best for all, but perpetuate a self-definition within energy that is Not who we really are.

 

I commit myself to never again engage in relationships of flirting or sending out ‘wrong messages’ which implies participating in my world without giving into the experience of winning/ losing, feeling good/ bad about myself/ others in any given moment.

 

I breathe, I self forgive and let go of this all unconditionally, as they all were only memories in my head.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Ode to femeninity

Ode to Femininity (2004)

 

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