Tag Archives: final examination

167. Fearing is Not wanting to Change

Postponement Character 

 

Fear Dimension :

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my writing being rejected by the academy for lacking art references and within this, sabotaging my own completion of the document based on a future projection and expectation based on a prejudice that I have formed toward ‘Academy’ as a restrictive institution, instead of realizing that I am the one that has the ability to create a writing that is both fulfilling toward academic standards and also at a personal level within the context of the content matching my actual and initial intention of doing this work in the first place, which is getting a degree and sharing a perspective of self-creation within the art world as my own contribution and career-experience that I have decided to share.

 

I realize that the work that I am doing does not have to be separated from any of my other writings and any other responsibility that I do follow through with – and in this realizing that any resistance that I have created toward the point is based on prejudices that I have formed toward school/ academy as instances wherein

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by the academy/ professors for lacking commitment to ‘the art world’ with presenting my writing, due to it not being precisely linked to a plastic or visual art but instead, a self-creation process that is our ability to exist as human beings that have the power and ability to create themselves and a society/ world system that is supportive of life itself and not mind-system creation modes that only support separation and abuse of life.

 

I realize that I am actually postponing creating a final ‘note’ to this entire career that I see can be veered toward a self-creation process wherein the concept of art is expanded to a self-creative ability that is actually quite acceptable within the realm of the art world and also reminding myself here that I had already had a ‘good to go’ approval from my professor  – thus

 

When and as I see myself fearing getting my written document done based on fear of it not being ‘good enough’ for the standards that the academic world require, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am actually fully capable of taking on this task and project with all its requirements wherein I simply have to write and fulfill the task at hand that is a requisite for me to actually finish what I began as professional career – and I remind myself that I chose to walk this process and walk this career and get it done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my writing is judged as ‘too spiritual’ or any other pejorative term that I have feared my professors creating upon my work due to them having no reference to what Desteni is – though I realize that I do not have to fear this type of bs things when I am perfectly capable of writing out and convey a message that is common sensically based and doesn’t require any ‘gap-concepts’ that cannot be understood by academics.

When and as I see myself fearing professors judging my writing based on it being too ‘humanitarian’ instead of ‘artistic,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the same way the concept of art has been expanded throughout the years, one can implement a new dimension to it which is actually a primary one based on the concept of art as a self-creative process wherein the being standing in and as a self-honest being, his/ her expressions will be an immediate expression/ expansion of him/herself as part of one’s own expression within the principle of what is best for all and within this, turning art into a more practical living statement other than a mind-regurgitation activity that has served little to no purpose for humanity, just as anything else in this world that requires its fine-tuning to be supportive for all beings equally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear confronting my writing with my professor because of not wanting to be rejected/ have my stuff done more than once, which I see stems from a previous memory of having had a ‘difficult time’ with a photography professor with me wanting to impose my ways and being intransigent toward his observations, which is how I went into defense mode before even listening to the suggestions and actually seeing how it could benefit the work – thus,

I realize that the fear toward criticism stemming from academics is that fear of not being ‘good enough’ to their standards, without realizing that I am only creating this ‘fear’ due to actually not wanting to go through all the stages of having my written work revised and within that, accepting observations and ‘criticism’ that I tend to take personally, leading myself to abruptly ‘opt myself out’ of it/ giving up because of having wanted my writing to be ‘immediately accepted/ unquestioned’ which is actually an ego point wherein I want and desire to have things working ‘my way’ at all times.

 

When and as I see myself fearing criticism toward my writing I stop and I breathe – I realize that all comments are able to be taken within common sense and in absolute humbleness as the acceptance of one’s mistakes, wherein I commit myself to take into consideration other people’s words on ‘my work’ and within this allow myself to be supple and flexible toward comments that can actually enrich the document beyond my ‘own view/ perspective’ and assist myself within that go break my own boundaries of wanting to always only do things ‘my way.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that this process will be longer than expected and within this, foolishly enough, postponing it further, pushing it toward ‘more time’ which is absolutely absurd and I see how it is only when thinking about doing it and going into this fear that I somehow simply wished that I could ‘get away from doing this’ at some point, which is actually not acceptable since I have been aware I must do this no matter what.

 

When and as I see myself pushing the point for ‘some other time’ and postponing it is in fact me creating further consequence in full awareness, which is a deliberate and unacceptable action within the consideration of realizing that this is also my responsibility and priority in my world/ reality at the moment – and that I can instead manage my time to dedicate myself to my daily activities and specify a time wherein I ensure I get this done, instead of wanting to just ‘take one whole day off’ to write it out – which is one option, however not the best one as it is done under the pressure of wanting to get it all done at once, which usually leads to a point of rush that is not necessary within this –

 

I commit myself to walk this written process point by point, day by day as that is a reasonable point to do instead of ‘waiting’ for one miraculous moment when I ‘feel like doing it,’ which won’t happen as this is a point that I have to actually self-direct in all ways.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become very ‘lax’ about this point of responsibility in my world due to seeing it as worthless yet at the same time, not wanting to admit that there’s an actual fear of me not getting this paper and then having an entire career being absolutely useless and as if it had never happened, which is something that I realize within the context of being in and of this world system wherein we still value each other’s abilities according to institutional paper work and titles that prove one’s credentials in certain professional fields.

 

When and as I see myself believing that it is worthless to get this piece of paper, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is a key point that I actually have placed aside due to the actual physical resistance to get things done within bureaucratic terms that I have create a resistance to – thus it is to realize that no matter what, I am the one that decides how I walk this process and that I have to get it done and postponing it is only making it ‘worse’ as a thought in my head instead of an actual doing that is physically tangibly ‘done’ – to round things up – and not thought or feared about.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to repeat the whole thing more than once and within this,  realizing that this is the main obstacle I have created within me as a fear/ thoughts in my head and it appears  in the immediate moment when I see myself wanting to ‘write it out,’ as I have allowed myself to just put it off instead of actually using the time to do –maybe – several versions and ways and find one that is the most suitable of all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use Fear as an excuse to actually not do it/ not move myself and within this building like a China wall in front of me without realizing that it is not real in the sense that it is an actual impediment for me to do so, and that the wall exists as all the thoughts in my head toward this particular task and responsibility to do, wherein I am the one that can actually decide whether I simply do it and walk through all the necessary stages or not, while realizing that there is no ‘not’ option here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this all a lot worse in my mind as a task to be done than what it actually is, when thinking about it and fearing doing it for all the reasons above, without realizing that all the time spent thinking and fearing it, I could have actually given proper direction to it right away and simply get it done.

 

When and as I see myself making of this point of responsibility a task that is ‘above me’ and that is ‘too much to do’ within this seeing it as a great immovable obstacle in my head, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to decide in one single moment to move myself to open up the document and being writing it out and arranging everything that I have done so far to give it proper coherence, within the realization that I can simplify it instead of wanting to ‘cover all points’ in one go, which is rather extensive to do when it’s not even required at this stage – thus

I realize that I can also support myself to not make of this single task like a ‘will’ that I leave as a final statement that I am surely making a lot more in my mind as if I had to absolutely ‘download’ myself in one document, which I realize it is not a requirement or necessary – thus I stop myself from wanting to make this my ‘master piece of words’ which is rather pretentious and actually becoming another obstacle within me to fulfill my own expectations toward it, which is rather foolish, considering that  I am the one that sets my own value schemes of ‘importance’ within this – thus

I commit myself to equalize myself as my writing in all aspects wherein no matter ‘what’ I’m writing, I focus on the practicality and simplicity that is able to be actually understood and lived by another, instead of making it a lot ‘more’ than what it is as a single academic requirement to keep going in life and actually get to live my words written there.

 

I commit myself to when and as I see the fear of me wanting to postpone and put off the actual moment dedicated to writing the document out, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the only one that is able to push and direct myself to do this not and within this

I realize that putting it off is obviously accumulating consequence and more seemingly unnoticeable ‘stress’ that affects the rest of my activities throughout the day.

I commit myself to be congruent within all dimensions and aspects of my day to day living wherein I do not leave this one aspect/ task as a loop-hole that I am not sorting out, because I realize that If I don’t move in an equal manner within directing and correcting myself within all aspects of my world and reality, that one point that I leave behind is causing stress and worry and fears that keep me bound to a single point of procrastination as a point. Thus I get myself back to one single piece that walks all points day by day and not leaving ‘one piece behind’ any longer.

 

This will continue …

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83. Finishing what I Started

The ‘Fulfilling character’ character

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as self-doubt based on the ideals that I’ve kept with regards to what is an acceptable expression based on what is pertinent to express in relation to only being one single character as ‘an artist,’ instead of realizing that I am a human being that is able to express in any way that is self-honest and congruent in relation to the physical moment that I am walking in relation to my process.

 

I realize that I had been limiting myself based on being ‘caught’ between being ‘academically correct’ while trying to remain ‘true to myself,’ which means that I am still allowing myself to separate the ‘intellectual’ aspect as something that I have to ‘work further into,’ without realizing that what I am working with is myself, and that at the moment there is nothing I am creating as everything is already here. I am simply sculpting myself, using what is here already as myself and giving myself direction to become the expression of who and what I really am as life, which is the process I am walking here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as doubt the moment that I have to present a ‘final work’ toward the academy, just because of the ideals that I have created around ‘the final work’ and how I have deemed it to be this ‘huge event in one’s life’ which is how I have instead shoved it aside and believe that I have to pull out a ‘great show’ for everyone, which is only stemming from the ego and personality I have been throughout my life as a student that is ‘bright’ according to judgments that I’ve accumulated as ‘who I am, ‘ which I’m not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually ‘fear’ letting go of these standards because of considering that me-expressing myself in simplicity will not make me something ‘outstanding’ which is what I had been tagged as throughout my career ‘being outstanding’ and believing that everyone is expecting me to have this ‘outstanding career,’ which in no way correlates to the process I am walking as myself. Thus, I stop preventing myself to express and move based on these ideals that I am secretly keeping as a ‘final shot’ within my life, without realizing that I cannot serve two gods, and that my ego is no longer a point to be taken into consideration when I am the directive principle of myself here.

 

This means that I cannot possibly continue procrastinating and allowing myself to be waiting for the right moment to write-myself as the declaration of who and what I am as my own process of self creation, because I see and realize that I was waiting to have something ‘finite,’ without understanding that it is the mere explanation of myself as my process and as such, it won’t be anything that can be measured as right or wrong, as it is a creative-process in itself with no precedents. Thus, I allow myself to walk this point with no predisposition toward anything or anyone in separation of myself and my expression here.

 

I realize that I have accepted and allowed myself to still take the ‘academy’ as something above me, as something that could refute anything I could say just because I am not presenting any artwork per se. Ye the process in itself Is the creation as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I was not going to be working with some work of art per se, I was standing in ‘dangerous territory,’ which is just me using an excuse to validate my self-doubt and hesitation based on mere beliefs what and how I should present myself to have this ‘flawless’ project, without realizing that because of holding such Ideals, I am in fact limiting myself to make of this work a simple and practical extension of the process that I am walking on a daily basis through writing. This proves how one single belief can tamper my ability to direct myself and essentially become like a haunting ghost that is seemingly ‘beyond myself,’ which is absolutely unacceptable as it is all based on the belief of who I am as the ‘perfect student character’ which is only feeding an ego that is busy dying.

 

I direct myself to express myself here, in simplicity and stop the haunting ideals of me fulfilling anything for anyone else in separation of myself. I realize that whatever I write and express as myself is within the consideration of what’s best for myself and all as equals – thus there can be no ‘wrong doing’ in that.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions toward my expression based on wanting to fulfill a certain ideal/ ego/ pattern of myself in separation of who I am as life. This means that I stop creating an elusive ideal to fulfill in separation of myself within attempting to write ‘for someone else’ such as ‘the academy,’ instead of realizing that this is about me writing myself as my process and in that, it is no different to the expression that I write myself as every single day.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the reason why I was not facing this point is because I was still holding on to the idea of ‘who I am’ toward teachers, school, the consideration of my entire student career throughout my life, wherein I was still aiming at this ‘perfection’ but not based on self-developmental perfection, but perfection base on the idealism I lived as myself in terms of being awarded with ‘the highest honors’ always, which is what I have kept in the back of my head as this ideal that I apparently have to fulfill.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually program myself from a very young age to be able to obtain the ‘highest honors’ when graduating, which is just an idea of what I thought would make ‘more than everyone else,’ and that would fulfill the ‘perfect student career’ that I was busy maintaining as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place conditions onto everything that I do based on which characters I am seeking to fulfill and reinforce, which proves that I have become essentially a character that works to fulfill other characters wherein I miss out the absolute expression that is here as myself at any given moment, and instead believe that I have to get to a certain point to be able to express myself, or that I require to ‘find the right expression’ in separation of myself, which is just indicating that I was simply wanting to maintain a character within myself that keeps the pillar of the ‘flawless student,’ which is a character that I felt I lost the moment that I dropped out from my first career – as an accumulated self-judgment toward myself – and having left school for one year to be living abroad – which became me losing my opportunity to have an automatic graduation, which meant to me losing the perks of being this ‘flawless student.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that because I won’t be able to get the highest honors, then it Is just pointless to do something ‘worthy’ – yet at the same time fearing not being acceptable enough for the academy, thinking it won’t be ‘sellable,’ which is just me trying to fulfill another’s expectations in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up before even having started, which means that I have become this character to be fulfilled/ bashed and accordingly only move as fear waiting for the ‘right moment to come,’ to give myself direction, instead of realizing that the more I procrastinate, the more I compound the single possession of fear, shoved-away anxiety that comes with it, which is absolutely unnecessary considering that expression as words is here as myself at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually stop myself from directing myself because of fearing not being ‘good enough’ at the eyes of that ‘world’ that I have kept as superior than myself, which is the academy/ schooling institutions even though I am aware how they function and how it is all part of the basic conditioning of creating competition and these apparent ‘high standards’ upon human beings – hence I realize that any form of limitation is just a stupidity loop in fact, because I am accepting and allowing the realm of knowledge and information to be ‘beyond myself,’ while all that I require is here as myself already.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear ‘letting the career down’ and everyone else involved in it, based on how I had walked it with having these great expectations toward myself and because I am in no position to fulfill them, my entire starting point of doing this work is stemming from me having failed at ‘becoming an artist,’ and having failed to fulfill the expectations that I had toward myself and that I believe, think or perceive that others have upon myself.

 

Thus I realize that the only point of betrayal can actually exist if I continue allowing myself to tamper my ability to express myself here in every moment by wanting to suit myself into a character to fulfill other characters’ expectations, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to know that I would experience regret and still not do anything about it, which is just proof of how one single point of belief can be an entire point of self-sabotage if not walked, addressed and opened up immediately as self. I realize that self-movement is compromised the moment I hold but one single iota of character to be fulfilled as myself, and in that, I am entirely responsible to face the consequences of what I am creating for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually project myself into ‘that day’ when I have to present this work and go into fear because of all the value I had placed to such moment from a very young age as this apparent ‘magnificent’ event’ wherein I placed myself as the character that would go ‘beyond history’ with some magnificent final work, which is just base on my ideals that fulfilled the ‘perfect student’ character I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as ‘my worth’ and ‘who I am,’ which is the point that I now see and realize I was not willing to entire let go from the moment that a point that I am not directing as myself is directly linked to preserving this elusive ideal of myself toward others and in a particular institution.

 

I realize that within these ideals and beliefs of who I am and how I must present myself in such moment is stemming from comparing myself to other beings in my family that have presented a ‘flawless work,’ wherein I placed a higher standard for myself in order to end up being ‘the ultimate winner’ at the eyes of others.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in future projections as the image of me in that room with teachers in front of me, asking me questions and having ‘an audience’ that I must apparently dazzle with my wits, which is just an entire mindfuck that I’ve used to only torture myself, instead of giving me absolute self direction at all times with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear when thinking ‘will teachers/ academics buy this concept of art as myself?’ and in that, already limiting myself for giving worth and value to what others can say about a point that is and will be a point of self-expression in its totality, wherein I realize that the ideas of me having to comply to a certain institutional format is just self limitation and doesn’t represent at all the unconditional expression that I have walked and proven to myself I am able and capable of doing with no obstacles a all. So, I realize that I had still held fear and fear of being judged by ‘weird’ and ‘unconventional’ even in art school by my professors, which is ludicrous considering the type of work I am presenting and the school that is precisely created to break patterns of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable within an academic world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others based on what I am working with, without realizing that this is not about ‘defending my thesis’ as this is not a thesis as something to ‘prove’ to others, but a single explanation of myself as this moment an this process of self-creation that I am walking and how it goes along with artistic expression as a point of support for it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am ‘betraying’ or ‘not making use’ of what I was supposed to have learned in school, just because of not being presenting plastic work in some specific discipline, which is just me fearing being judged for not complying to the usual modes of presenting the final work, without realizing that I was only trying to please others with my work in my mind, instead of actually physically walking it as myself without expecting to create any special form of ‘feedback’ that I could feel better or greater about myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still hold on the idea and belief that I had to come out with the ‘greatest score I could attain’ which is what I would then be satisfied about, not realizing that because of fearing not getting this, I am instead not moving myself within this point simply because of fearing being judged.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is such an ‘important thing in my life, ‘ without seeing and realizing that just by this single belief I am creating an entire point of separation between myself an this ‘final work’ based on the ideals I was still wishing and hoping to fulfill about myself, instead of just walking it as self and in such way, not having to be ‘expecting’ something out of it other than what I am able to express as myself in every moment that I dedicate myself to write here as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to first create these entire ‘ideal’ about my final work and separate it from the actual walking it on a daily basis believing that the ‘final document’ had to be this outrageous and ‘outstanding’ expression which I now see and realize I was simply busy trying to fulfill in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the positive feedback as a point of self-acceptance in separation of self, wherein I went into idealism instead of practivism, and that’s the entire point wherein I tried to fulfill the idea of who I am in separation of myself as the physical moment I am living in that I can simply direct myself to write it out, without going into fear of being judged, fear of not ‘fulfilling’ the reader, fear of coming ‘short’ in my expression and – all of these fears are absolutely unacceptable.

 

I realize that any moment that I see myself judging this point of work as ‘something separate’ from the daily writing I do and direct as myself, is simply an excuse to not dig further into realizing how obviously I was still holding such ‘final work’ as something beyond my nose, which means that I projected it into this elusive future, instead of bringing it here as self and as such ensure that I walk it as self, as the realization of who and what I am able to be and express in every moment of breath in relation to the process I am walking as myself here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think that I’ve made the ‘write choice’ for the topic because it was ‘positively accepted’ by my professor, which is just a point of self-manipulation based on thinking that ‘it is already great because my professor liked it,’ which then becomes a point to fulfill ‘for others,’ instead of myself expressing myself here in every single moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accept and allowed myself to move myself based on positive feedback, wherein I can see that I am not absolutely self directive the moment that I am still trying to fulfill an idea of myself based on what is ‘good’/ great from others, instead of taking myself into consideration as the expression that is here in common sense and that as such, It cannot be possibly refuted.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to a single belief and expectation, which is as limited as a single thought waiting to be fulfilled by an external stimuli to keep the positive energy running. I stop myself as a character that seeks to be something ‘great’ for others, and instead, remain constant as the realization that all that I am is already here and that any delusion of moreness or less than is just a mind-belief that is in no way who and what I really am.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to still allow my mind to direct myself as fears that I suppress with other activities, thinking that ‘the right time will come,’ without realizing it won’t ‘come’ by itself, but that I have to practically and physically direct it as myself at all times.

 

 

Rumbos-inciertos

Rumbos Inciertos 2006

 

Self Corrective Statements.

When and as I see myself resisting and not wanting to go into what I have deemed as an ‘academic writing,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am separating myself from information and placing it as ‘more’ than who I am in every moment, without realizing that this is one single point that I can direct as the expression of myself in the moment, instead of being wanting to become something ‘else’ to be academically correct, which is the point that I have been struggling with and seeing it as ‘something I cannot yet be sure about, ‘ which would imply that I am seeing the ‘academic work’ as separate from the expression of who and what I am in every moment of breath. Everything is here, I allow myself to direct it as myself.

 

When and as I see myself creating this final work something ‘more’ than myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am making it more than myself because of the ideas that I have created toward ‘finishing a career’ and comparing myself to my sisters and their final thesis/ presentation, of which I personally took it as this point that I had to ‘surpass’ and better at all cost, just so that I could go out with the triumphant belief that I had been this bright student throughout my life and that ‘my final exam was no exception,’ which is just me future projecting and expecting to be ‘remembered’ by teachers, by parents, by colleagues as something ‘great’ other than myself here in simplicity.

 

When and as I see myself doubting my own expression in any given moment in relation to presenting a work toward any institution, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only separating myself from the constancy and consistency of myself as self-direction and allowing me to be tampering it with the ideal of me having to adjust such expression to be liked/ accepted by the academy, without realizing that this is just a self-belief that I’ve come to feed and fuel as ‘who I am’ as the character of ‘the perfect student’ that has no place here as myself, as the physical body that is not defined by knowledge and information or ‘who I have been’ in/as the past.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to fulfill the ideal of ‘the perfect student with a perfect final work’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that I am seeking to fulfill an ideal of who I am in separation of myself, which is not acceptable, as everything that I am is already here as myself and any idea of me as ‘more’ than myself and/or wanting to ‘maintain’ a self-imposed title is only ego.

 

When and as I see myself placing conditions onto my expression in order to suit an ideal according to be presentable to a certain institution/ school / academy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this limitation can only exist as fear that I can stop in a moment of breathing and physically directing myself to express in common sense. Who and what I am is constant and consistent no matter what, thus any condition/ impediment is only stemming from myself as the mind wanting to preserve or remain stuck within a single character which I realize now is unacceptable.

 

When and as I see myself still believing that I have to ‘become’ a character in order to write, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the elusiveness of me writing myself is still a mind-created experience as any form of ‘impediment’ can only exist as an actual fear of being judged, fear of doing something wrong, fear of not suiting the ideals placed by the academy, fear of getting ‘stuck’ into something which are all bullshit and ludicrous points as I see that my nose clears when I clear my head from these ‘ghostly limitations,’ that can only exist the moment I place myself into THINKING about it, instead of just physically directing myself to write.

 

When and as I see myself seeking perfection outside myself based on the ideal of ‘who I as in the past,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only me sabotaging my entire ability to be/ live and express in one single moment, one single being that is here as the physical expressing self as the physical, which means that I do not require to get myself into a certain ‘state of mind’ to write out the work, nor do I require more ‘knowledge and information,’ for it, it’s just a matter of directing myself to do it.

 

When and as I see myself still as something/ someone in separation of who I am in every moment of breath when/ while being preparing the work for school, facing teachers and so forth in such ‘art realm,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the anxiety that I’ve suppressed and experienced was just this suppression of myself based on the ideals of how I had to do it, who I had to pleas and where I could ‘be wrong,’ which was all based on me having difficulty explaining myself in the past whenever I tried to explain this process to others, without realizing that at that time I had barely begun it, and that it was impossible for me to really express myself as it, because I had not walked it.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to ‘keep up’ my status toward others and caring about what family/ friends will say about me and my final work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is it, this is the moment wherein I can finally allow myself to step out of my beloved character of miss perfection and allow myself to express in common sense without any expectation toward it, as I realize that the point that I will be serving is Life itself and not a single character building career.

 

When and as I see myself feeling defeated because I could not attain to ‘the highest honors’ I see that this is just plain egotistical bullshit and has no space to hold here as myself any longer. It’s all memory based and memories are only self-limitations as the lies we believed ourselves to be in separation of who we already are here as one and equal. This is no higher talk, this is a certainty. This implies that any egotistical institutional reward is nothing but an ego-game to gain further positive experiences that are only energetic fleeting moments to rub the ego as the mind. The physical cannot be flattered.

 

When and as I see myself forming a character when trying to fulfill a character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the moment that I see something as ‘difficult’ and that I deliberately place aside to not give it immediate direction, I am in fact just fearing having to face letting to of my own ideals and facing the reality of myself without the highest expectations that I had still held within myself, which became a point of comparison toward ‘who I was’ in the past, which is in no way who and what I am here any longer – the character is not real.

 

When and as I see myself still believing myself to be this ‘flawless student,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this ideal was actually stemming from the fear to not be good enough and fuck it all up, which is the exact fear as irrational as all fears that I have been living out with no direction given because of believing that I had to do something ‘else’ in separation of myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing not being ‘good enough’ at the eyes of people in academy, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the ‘betrayal’ toward the career is only me wanting to fulfill a character in an ‘appropriate manner,’ which is in no way what I am willing to diminish myself to. Thus, I stop the bullshit and direct myself to express myself here, no judgments attached.

 

When and as I see myself worrying/ future projecting about the moment of presenting my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this all stems from the value/ worth I had kept toward ‘the academy’ as something superior than myself, without realizing that this is just a limitation that I created within myself and has no space In reality as a certainty – thus, I stop.

 

When and as I see myself going into regret, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am simply sabotaging myself even further, the only point to correct this is to practically and physically direct myself to do that which I was procrastinating to direct as myself.

 

When and as I see myself going into comparison in relation to how my sisters presented their final works in school/ university, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot possibly compare myself to others, as each one’s process is different – hence I stop placing these benchmarks for myself and rather direct myself to do what is required to be done and that’s it.

 

When and as I see myself fearing what academics will think, believe or perceive about myself and my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this point of fearing being judged is just irrational as all fears, and that there is no possibility to fear expressing myself here as who and what I realize I am. I cannot possibly remain trying to defend myself as a character, and I see that the entire problem is how I titled the work itself – as ‘the artist’ and that because I do not see myself as an artist, I created an entire unnecessary conflict with it, simply because of fearing simply presenting myself as a human being, not one single character only.

 

Thus I direct myself to make the necessary arrangements to express how I cannot only define myself as a career in order to satisfy some ideals I Have upon myself and others toward myself. I cannot lie myself any further for any purpose or any justification, as the work itself is about myself and my self-honesty.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place myself as ‘intellect in conflict’ and within this forgetting completely about the physicality that I am and exist as, which is and cannot possibly be diminished to a single character playing as ‘who I am.’

 

When and as I see myself believing that I will have to ‘prove’ myself to others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I had ‘lived’ this point toward other beings in my world, but somehow I had held school as this immaculate piece of reality that I could not equalize myself as, still seeing it as ‘beyond’ myself.

 

Thus, I direct myself to finally let go of any idealization toward myself and my career – and everything that I had linked to ‘art’ itself and really, actually equalize it as myself, as who I am.

 

When and as I see myself trying and believing that I have to ‘impress’ others with my work, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not me here as physically speaking and doing in the moment, but existing as a future projection of ego wanting to be fulfilled.

 

When and as I see myself placing value onto my ‘final score’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that this is the character-rating that I have been bound to the most time in my life, always being used to ‘getting the most’ and believing that if I don’t get ‘the most’ this time, I have failed. Which is not so, it is just a character waiting and wanting to get ‘the most’ to continue existing as myself. Thus, I direct myself to present myself and express in the moment with no expectations as I see how expecting creates anxiety and anxiety creates a limitation to express unconditionally as it is all fear based on being judged, I stop and I direct myself in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that ‘this is such an important moment in my life,’ and seeing it as the ‘pinnacle’ of myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that who I am is not based on memories and future projections, but simply here walking the system for what it is – I walk it in equality – no more and no less.

 

When and as I see myself expecting my ‘final work’ to be this outrageous paper, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am going ‘ahead’ of myself, and that all I require is to express myself as I exist in the moment, which can express in common sense without any extra desire to be ‘more’ than myself, thus I direct myself to express me without wanting to suit/ fit in a certain ideal of myself toward myself and others.

 

When and as I see myself using positive feedback as a way to move myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only the ego being stroked and getting fuel to continue going. Who I am does not require positive feedback but only self-movement as the realization that everything that I require to be is already here as myself .

 

When and as I see myself separating this ‘final work’ from any other writing I do on a daily basis, I stop and I breathe. I realize that all I was doing was keeping it in a ‘special compartment’ which is not acceptable; otherwise it would not be me writing myself but me as character writing for other characters, perpetuating the character world. I am here to stop all characters as myself and in others, and instead direct myself to write something that will not be base on wanting to ‘fit in’ within the academic world, but that genuinely represents my own process of self-correction and self-direction as the creator of myself.

 

When and as I see myself using zeal as positivity to direct myself to do something, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this I am only reducing myself to a single character fulfilling itself and is I no way me supporting myself as the expression that is constant and consistent here as breath. No more and no less required.

 

When and as I see myself expecting a final resolution of having a ‘great work’ and getting compliments in such future projections about myself and my work and ‘who I am’ toward others, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is not even a matter of being humble, but simply realizing that anything that can be said about my work and myself has I no way any influence as to who I am, as all I am is here as breath and no words can make me more or less than ‘it all.’

 

When and as I see myself existing as a future projection and expectation of fulfilling myself as a character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the desires that I fueled from a young age were based on me only being a single character/ ideal that is in no way who and what I am as the totality of myself. Thus, I direct myself to walk this point as per requirement and stop limiting myself and my expression based on characters I played in the past that is not here any longer.

 

When and as I see myself deviating myself to do ‘something else’ instead of finalizing this work I stop and I breathe. I realize that the word ‘finalization’ means giving it a breath by breath direction without holding on to a single ‘outrageous outcome’ that I expected of myself in my mind, as that is in no way related to who and what I am here as the constancy and consistency of breath.

 

I direct myself to finish what I started.

 

 

Azul

 

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Note to Self: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make such a mind drama today, without realizing it’s hormones taking the wheel instead of myself here as the physical. Thus I direct myself to stand one and equal as my physical so that I don’t have to go wondering around what the fuck is wrong with me today.


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