Tag Archives: friction

206. Self Sabotage Is Self Interest

When our preferences as likes and dislikes become an obstacle to self-change and leading us to a position wherein we will be most effective, we must know: we are Still Mind Controlled.

 

Continuation of the Elite Character – Self Interest when wanting to ‘Change the World’

 

I’m continuing with the point of Self Interest and this time, I got cool perspectives from Mr. Anu – I am aware I can get to an extreme point of wanting to just ‘give it all away’ and almost deny to myself these ‘bits of heaven’ that we have left in our world without which, I agree with Mr. Anu here, we would go insane quite fast. So, what I see mostly in terms of for example, my current ‘lifestyle’ – ‘all I can say is that my life is pretty plain.’ Obviously this ‘simplicity’ is backed up by having enough money to buy food whenever I require it and pay for the rent/ services and the occasional treat, which is not so much buying physical stuff any more, but maybe going somewhere in the city every now and then or paying for my coffee, nuts, stuff that is not absolutely necessary to live, but that I consider are my bits of heaven – if you wanna call it that.

 

So, what I will be walking in self forgiveness are the points of Self Interest that I actually reviewed after I wrote my blog yesterday, and noticed a desire to be in a position of power/ leadership  so, what I’ll be doing is walking this desire and placing it through common sense. This position obviously is directly linked to the ‘elitist character’ wherein even if I was aiming at/ wanting to create a change in this world, I was not fully willing to give up my personal interests and ‘position’ in society. If I could guess the pattern that I have lived throughout my lives based on what I see within myself is being a dissident in society that would end up aspiring being in a ‘powerful’ position to create a change/ revolution in this world, but in the end, missing out the personal relationships aspect, ending up depressed or mostly discouraged and alienated from society, as that point of powerlessness is definitely something that has remained as the primary aspect of – also – Self Interest wherein I go into a giving-up mode and see it all as a ‘lost cause’ without realizing that it is just me in my mind making it all seem bleak and impossible, without even having actually placed into application my own realizations and be within the system fully to test this out for myself.

 

Thus, I am aware what type of weaknesses there are and these are also self-interest because at the moment it’s not like I’m living in a wondrous place safe and healthy place with luxuries, lol no – so to me giving up stuff would mean like giving up the weather that I so enjoy or giving up the ability to buy some peanuts that are quite cheap, or buy gourmet coffee from an expert, giving up going out for walks alone before night time and having a relative stable life with not so much money to squander, not so much ‘conflict’ either apparently. Would I want this to remain like this for longer? Not really, I’ve had two years and a half of it and I’d say it’s enough. So, my self interest is then more veered to that, keeping myself in a position wherein I am not living to my fullest potential yet because there has been an inherent polarity conflict of wanting to remain ‘in the background’ and then at times wanting to also be a spear head and some type of leader  – lol, so all about recognition and non-recognition as a relationship in terms of ‘who I am’ and what I’ll be doing in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow me to limit myself and my every day living and actually directing me to a position in which I can in fact support me and become more effective and stable within my reality- not only for myself, but for others as well-  due to all the points that I have linked to self interest in the place where I am at the moment, wherein it is a comfortable ‘stagnant’ situation of limited ‘treats’ and limited or no-luxury at all in order to also create an attempt to ‘redeem’ myself from my past interests in having a ‘good life,’ which I see is the polarity point of almost wanting to ‘punish’ myself for everything that I desired in the past, which doesn’t make sense as who I am at the moment cannot be determined by what I desired in the past as fame, fortune/money and having a general luxurious lifestyle that I programmed myself to want to experience from the time when I was a little girl.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to remain in a limited position in my life in order to ‘prove’ to myself that I can be alone/ without much luxury, I stop and I breathe – I realize that limitation is linked to a point of punishment or wanting to ‘redeem’ myself from a point of desiring a ‘good life’ in my past and as such, I cannot continue defining who I am at the moment based on the desires of the past as that would mean wanting to ‘make up for’ what is already gone and done. Thus, I direct myself to realize that the limitations and comfort perceived is only what is comfortable at a mind level and that what matters is to place myself in a physical position wherein I am most effective in this process that I am walking and committing myself to live for, which implies actually taking on full responsibilities and pushing myself to be more effective at everything that I do, determining myself and my life to be and become what is best for all.

 

I realize in the end it becomes an actual point of satisfaction when directing myself to do what I am required to do and walk it effectively and this is something that I have ‘forgotten’ about simply because when participating in the mind, we seek positions within our reality that will mostly satisfy only our personalities our likes and dislikes and essentially a point of constant conflict that the mind is most likely benefitting itself from – listen to the Quantum Mind Series  for that /chapters 26/27 – and that is what I see is currently the obstacle that I’ve created for myself in my reality, a point of self interest to remain in a conflictive situation instead of actually dedicating ourselves to a position wherein we are able to support each other to create a world that is livable for generations to come.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the sense of powerlessness or apathy that runs through from every now and then is still allowing me to be demotivated by myself as the mind, instead of focusing on the reality as the consistency that we are walking here as within this process sand that I see, realize and understand won’t ever give us a ‘positive kick’ as an energetic experience about my apparent ‘preferences,’ but that this is the actual self-willed movement that is a matter of principles and when living by principles of doing and committing ourselves to that which is best for all within the current state we are living in this world, will seem like really slow and walking almost in a futile way, yet, the reality is that this process is walked bit by bit, person by person and it must begin with ourselves. It doesn’t really matter how much it takes as I have explained to myself before how it’s not about what I get to live in this lifetime, but that I ensure that I play my part/ contribute with the ‘cause’ which in the end is ourselves as well, as we are all as one and equal and living this process for the betterment of all beings here and the world in itself, which is actually something that should not even require a motivation to do, but simply a single self-realization decision that cannot involve further energetic experiences once that we understand how such energy as positive or negative experiences, has become the very problem in this world, wherein we have only regarded how we ‘FEEL’ about reality/ our lives, instead of focusing on the physical matters that require immediate attention and will never be fixed by us feeling good or bad about it, but requires actual processes of education and correction at an individual and collective level.

 

When and as I see myself being trapped in the self interest of apathy, dullness and powerlessness toward the process we’re walking. I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am making up excuses in my mind to not move based on getting an experience about our process of self-correction only to give-into the  mind again, which is then an entire mechanism of self-manipulation. Thus, I direct myself to physically direct myself to continue with the tasks, points at hand that I am taking responsibility for and ensure that I remain here as breath – breath by breathe until I am stable here, self directive without any ‘background experience’ defining ‘who I am’ in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how my own self-sabotage to not move is also based on self-interest due to wanting to remain having the ability to get my ‘bits of heaven’ such as the positive experience that I have linked to the weather in this country and the cheap prices to buy things that I like like nuts and coffee, or getting the occasional luxuries at my parents house, which implies one thing: I am preventing myself from moving just because of these small moments, tiny experiences that I have created as a positive thing in my reality and based on that, creating an excuse as to why I don’t want to move, which is ludicrous yet the most ingrained aspect that I simply overlooked because of deliberately not wanting to see how it is ‘the small things’ that I have used as an excuse to not move. Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘minimize’ my self interest to ‘petty unimportant things’ without realizing to what extent I was actually being moved by my desire to remain in an ‘non-changing ‘ position due to having linked ‘change’ to a point of distress and anxiety in the past. Pain!

 

When and as I see myself using excuses such as ‘pain’ and distress and anxiety when considering all that must be required to be done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is part of the mechanisms wherein I blow things out of proportion in the mind and pulling out memories of experiences to justify my current experience toward a future projection point which is not really acceptable at all, because it’s all being created at a mind level.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self sabotage as a way to remain within my self-interested position which is really linked to my preferences as likes for a certain weather which I must be brutally honest is linked to fall and winter here, being able to buy coffee, going out for walks – as I see and realize that my point of self interest is really only a Mind-fixation that is in no way even something that ‘gratifying’ in terms of being something that supports the totality of myself to live and become a being that is an example of what Living is all bout, but I am in fact still basing my ‘enjoyments’ and self-interest as ephemeral experiences that I can absolutely ‘give up’ in order to move on to a self supportive position not only for myself but for all as equals.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how my excuses and justifications are just points of preference that I realize I have to let go of and not within the sense of me having to stop all these ‘bits of heaven’ but simply have to consider that relationship I have formed toward my environment and my so called ‘freedom’ at the moment because of being alone.  Hence

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually not want to give up my ‘freedom’ apparently linked to living alone and within this it is like keeping myself in a safe box wherein I am not constantly facing myself with others, which is a point of resistance that I created based on memories of a polarized experience of ultimate joy and happiness with the ultimate stress and inner conflict that I realize I never sorted out for myself and as such, only kept the ‘bad imprinted experiences’ as a way to sabotage myself and believe that I am ‘okay’ and ‘better here’ because of me really not facing the actual points that will lead me to get out of my mind and little bubble faster, so this is currently the actual self interest that I see, realize and understand is the most prominent and the real deal of it all, being alone. Which is ludicrous since we are never really alone, nor do I live absolutely alone, nor am I in a cabin in the woods, however being alone in the sense of not having to constantly ‘deal with’ another person/ other people in my reality because of how I have defined that to be rather stressful and uncomfortable which is then, again, self interest – as I see and realize that I am playing a polarity of wanting to live with others and at the same time still wanting to remain as that ‘oddity’ of myself of wanting to be alone. (as discussed in  the blog: 119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone)

 

When and as I see myself continually using excuses as to keep myself within my ‘status quo’ of apparent comfort and stability in order to remain being ‘alone’ in my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that keeping myself in this position is only to satisfy my personality of ‘wanting to be alone’ all the time, which I’ve had enough of for now, I have realized that I am able to live by myself without seeking for a relationship all the time – and within this tis now to realize that we are not alone in this world and that we have to cooperate and work within/ as a group and that living in a group implies facing ourselves, pushing ourselves to be better beings and that I have to step out of my individual bubble – in order to actually live to the fullest potential that I realize I can give to myself, and that requires me actually willing myself to give up all these tiny ‘bits’ that I have defined as a positive experience in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the current situation I am living in as a way to apparently ‘prove’ to myself that I can be alone, live without much money/ luxuries in a not pretty at all environment, which is also going into a polarity experience based on me not wanting to get used to the luxuries I had at home, the comfort of having most of what I would require or want as secondary-needs/ luxuries, due to how I have defined these luxuries such as going out for dinners, traveling around in cars, buying something that I don’t really need or even having the company of others as something that I had to ‘refrain’ from my almost desire to remain in an ascetic mode for the past two years, which is not really necessary as I see that this ‘ascetic mode’ is also self interest wherein it becomes another point of comfort that I am unconsciously refusing to let go of, which is plain ludicrous as I see and realize that I am in fact affecting others with my self interest to want to remain here and at the same time move on and direct myself to the most effective point and position in my world and related to my process – thus,

 

When and as I see myself wanting to remain in the current position that I am, I see and realize that it is because of the relationship at a mind level that I’ve formed with my environment and that within/ as the mind, I actually fear letting go of it for the constant provision to my preferences as likes and dislikes wherein I am only feeding the ‘who I am’ as a mind controlled by preferences and likes – thus I apply myself to be a self willed being as in the end, who wants to remain as a predictable robot of preprogrammed preference and likes instead of actually developing oneself to our utmost potential in the current context of our world that is requiring actual examples of what it is to live within a cause that will lead to a best for all outcome.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep myself bound to a limited position and with a relative ‘calmness’ due to how I have linked having a rotating position/ situation wherein lots of things have to get done to anxiety or distress or discomfort, without realizing that it is only based on the mind experience that I have linked such activities to in the past, which is quite a long time ago and thus

when and as I see myself creating the belief that I will be stressed and ‘full’ with discomfort when having lots to do in the future, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is not a matter of what I want to or like to do, this is a matter of principle and that in the end, I see that in my mind I have polarized my experiences as only Memories that I am keeping as a reason and justification to define who I am in the moment, which is unacceptable.

 

I commit myself to direct myself to the position in my world and reality that is the most effective one for me within the context of this process and what I am required to be and become. As I see that keeping myself in my current ‘status quo’ is mostly out of fear of taking on further responsibilities and actually standing fully to my utmost potential which is the self sabotage that I must be aware of every time that I link my current position as something ‘good’ or ‘positive’ which is not really so, I mean I can see it, I would not want to spend the rest of days here lol – so, breath by breath I direct myself to the point and position I realize I have to take on in my reality and breathe through any belief of why I should not do so.

I realize it is unacceptable for me to keep valuing such petty things as ‘more’ than my entire self-commitment to life and as such, it is unacceptable to continue perpetuating this ‘secretive’ self sabotage in order to remain in a ‘secured/stagnant’ position in my reality – I direct myself to not allow further manipulation within positive or negative experiences based on memories or future projections and direct myself at the physical level of doing and becoming what I require to be and become in my reality.

 

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88. The Victim

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a victim of my own deeds, wherein I would suit the memory to my advantage so that I could remain in anger toward my parents for something that they had ‘apparently done onto me,’ – such as forgetting about me and me getting lost – without wanting to hear the fact that I had been the one that wanted to step out of the cart and drive it by myself.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life find ways to ensure that I could remain as the victim of a situation/ event wherein I could then have people having to ‘ask forgiveness’ to me, and me being the ‘offended one,’ as that would give me a sensation/ feeling and idea of power over them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use all means possible to convince my parents that ‘I can do this on my own’ and have various memories of how I would essentially get pissed off when they would do things for me and would not allow me to do it by myself, just because of how I wanted to ‘do things by myself, ‘ from the starting point of opposing my parents and creating any form of friction in the moment by just demanding them to leave ‘the thing alone’ and allow me to do it by myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘threaten’ with throwing a tantrum toward my parents so that they could allow me to do things that I noticed other kids were not doing, and in this wanting to be ‘special’ such as being a kid that enjoys pushing the cart instead of being inside the cart.

 

And it’s funny because a memory came up when I was in SA and we had the trolleys from the supermarket and I was pushing one and B said something like you look good pushing the trolley, lol which I associated in that moment with a sense of ‘independence’ and like ‘I’m on the wheel,’ which is fascinating that I only now get it – after such a long time, I had this memory so ingrained within me as the symbol of my ‘victory over parents’ = me pushing the trolley, which I activated as a sense of liberty/ freedom and superiority without even knowing how or why. Thus, it was not a random point but a single experience that I was having in that moment that I was pushing the trolley without even noticing as a character.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the experience of ‘pushing a trolley’ to ‘doing my will’ and being ‘free’ and ‘liberated’ from the parents that would always put me into the trolley and drive me around to wherever they wanted me to go with them, within this manifesting the entire experience of: I don’t want to be driven by my parents, I don’t want to comply to what they say, I want to do things ‘my way.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of self-righteousness toward my parents, wherein I began doing everything to the opposite of what I knew they wanted me to be and do. This includes, for example, forcing myself to go to school when I was sick, just because my mother would insist that I shouldn’t go – and within this believe that I in fact didn’t want to miss a single day in school, but the fact is that I wanted to simply prove myself to her as wanting to do everything opposite to what she would suggest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the character that would deliberately cause friction in another for the sake of feeling good about myself, just because of how I would experience the relationship with my mother as that of ultimate control and imposition, which I essentially rebelled to throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the victimization of ‘why didn’t you tell me’ when I got lost in that amusement park and get angry at my parents because ‘they were supposed to take care of me’ – and in that, believing that ‘they didn’t want me because they had allowed me to get lost,’ which is how I began building the ‘They don’t like me in my family’ syndrome, which I then embodied fully as ‘the alien’ at home, the black sheep, without realizing what series of events were affecting my every move and decision based on memories toward my mother/ parents in general.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of spitefulness toward my parents the moment that they found me after being lost, wherein I accessed anger because of thinking and believing that it had been ‘their fault’ that I had gotten lost – however, the actual reality is that I had decided to do it by myself and I cannot even remember if I did it on purpose when realizing that they had forgotten about me, which sounds ‘familiar’ as to how I would then deliberately go to the extreme of something just out of spitefulness, without ever really wanting to hear and realize that: I had done it all by myself, by my ‘own will’ to do things ‘my way,’ based on throwing tantrums, which means that my entire interaction was base on opposition toward ‘the authority’ as parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ charged with rage and absolute spitefulness and anger based on this event wherein I had believed that my parents – and subsequently every time that I would not be let known of some event/ point and missing out – believe that I was being deliberately ‘not invited/ excluded,’ which I associated then to being simply rejected/ uninvited/ excluded and within that, think/ believe/ perceive that there was something ‘wrong’ with me and talking myself into thoughts like ‘my parents don’t love and no one likes me’ as a form of self-victimization, which I use to then create an entire personality that could ‘overcome’ this initial experience toward my parents and sisters, as to ‘prove’ that ‘I don’t need to belong/ I don’t need your appreciation,’ when in fact I was actually really desiring to ‘belong’ and be a part of the entire usual family scheme – which is how self-victimization becomes a key point to build ourselves as the ‘antagonist’ at home, based on self-beliefs and ideas of ‘how others see us,’ which is and has Never been about ‘them’ but about ourselves at all times

 

I realize that everything that I did and all the choices I apparently conducted was based within this starting point of wanting to oppose that which I perceived as ‘authority’ which was – as primary point – my mother, and in that building an entire relationship of opposition toward her particular personality, so that I could ensure that ‘I was not controlled by her,’ as I thought my sisters were.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger toward my father based on how he would usually be the ‘angry one,’ and when finding an opportunity for him to be in the position of ‘having fucked things up,’ I would use his stance of shame, regret and remorse in order to fuel my anger, to throw a tantrum and deliberately wanting to make him feel even worse than what I could spot he’d be experiencing in that moment when apologizing for something he had done.

 

Within this, I realize how I would use this same application whenever someone would be in the position of ‘having done something onto me’ and showing the same signs such as asking forgiveness, feeling ashamed, remorseful toward me wherein I would use such situation to blow things out of proportion just because of knowing that every word movement would make them feel even worse, and within me seeing them getting affected by the words that I could use to recriminate the point even further, I would get a sense of power as a revenge to a previously perceived relationship of ‘power’ of the other toward me. Thus, utilizing conflict as a way to ‘take revenge’ from the past times wherein I felt like the one that had to apologize, ask for forgiveness for having done something wrong and as such, develop power games with my father as a way to feel like ‘I had the right to be pissed off at him,’ later on copying this mechanism to relationships wherein I would also deliberately want the other to ‘feel like shit for what they’ve done,’ and knowing that they would then have to ‘make it up for me,’ in one way or another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, deliberately instigate further shame, guilt and remorse in another in a situation wherein it is believed that ‘they have done something onto me,’ wherein I then feel with the ‘absolute right to throw tantrums at them’ as a way to complain about ‘being wronged,’ without realizing that all that I was doing is experiencing a sense of pleasure and satisfaction from scolding and yelling at someone, seeing them having no ability to defend themselves – which is a rather sadomasochistic mechanism of relating to others as then this would lead to point of reconciliation and in that, become and actual way to build up anger, irritation and then have a reconciliation in ways wherein all the accumulated negative energy as anger, irritation, frustration would be ‘soothed out’ either through something sweet & buying something by my father – and within sex in relationships with human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to realize what I was doing when ‘putting more wood on the fire’ when I was confronting another in a situation wherein I apparently ‘had the right’ to point out ‘their shit’ – whether I was the ‘wronged one’ or not – just because of enjoying them to feel like shit, secretly enjoying seeing them realizing that they had done something wrong/ that they had fucked it all up, so that I could then remain in a stance of being apparently this immaculate benevolent being that is always doing everything ‘right’ and they were the only ones that could fuck it up. Never really wanting to accept how I would use this to further keep them bound by my side, as to being the ‘benevolent being’ that is willing to ‘forgive them’ and keep by their side, without realizing that I knew to what extent I would use this as a mechanism for my own positive experience as the power I had to make others feel bad and remorseful, ashamed and guilty for something they had said and done.

 

Within this, becoming like a mother that is able to point out the shit onto the son and as such, bind myself to relationships wherein I would become like the nagging mother that would point out shit in another, scold them and as such feel like I had the ‘control’ of the situation, without realizing that all of this would come from an actual experience of inferiority toward others, toward ‘them’ in the relationship, which is how we as women have taken the ‘superiority’ position not from an actual realization of equality and oneness with males, but as an outflow of having been the ‘oppressed ones’ throughout history.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn deceptive ways to get what I wanted as in being polite and well-mannered instead of throwing tantrums as ‘the way’ to get what I wanted. This proves that even if I didn’t precisely cry to get what I wanted, I learned the ‘adult ways’ of doing so, which is asking for it in a persuasive manner in a way that I could ensure I can ‘touch my parents hearts’ using the tactic of: If I don’t get it , I’ll be very sad/ If I don’t got and study this, I will regret it for the rest of my life / there is nothing else that I want the most in my life’ which I knew that would ‘move them’ sufficiently to consider that if they simply would say ‘no’ = guilt and remorse would haunt them, thus they would comply as a way to also remunerate me/ as a reward for the ‘who I was’ in school.

 

Thus I see and realize that I learned to play the system’s way of getting what I wanted by pleasing parents/ teachers / the system and as such, only living to satisfy my needs and desires without really taking into consideration reality, because I simply accepted this to be ‘my life,’ living to get things, to achieve, to obtain something that I could call ‘my own’ as my point of satisfaction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make it a habit to ask my parents ‘where had they gone to?’ and if I could find a way to make them feel sorry for not having let me know, they would usually give something to me in order to make it as if they had bought for me, which is what I defined as the ‘consolation prize,’ as a way to through instilling the sense of victimization toward a certain event in my world with my parents, they would usually comply to buy something to me in exchange to me going somewhere and usually complying to these type of transactions wherein there was no unconditional self-movement, but it was all based on wanting to ‘soothe’ my inner experience or ‘make up for’ something in separation of myself.

 

I realize that whenever I was showing a ‘depressed state’ toward my parents/ family, I was in fact only seeking to get ‘something’ in exchange to make myself feel better, which is how I did use depression as a way to manipulate people in my environment, to take me out, to give me money to buy things that I could use to ‘make me happy’ for a fleeting moment and that was it, which is how depression came to be/ become another way of a ‘silent tantrum,’ wherein I would deliberately show myself as being ‘depressed’ so that I could get more books, more cd’s and more stuff that I used to reinforce the same pattern again and again.

 

I realize that the ‘Victim’ is a way to remain triumphant in my mind in relation to how I would use this character to get what  I wanted – the Victory I am base on a deliberate self-diminishment that could be spotted by others to then ‘give us a hand’ as a form of self manipulation which is unacceptable.

 

So, this is a point that I see is prominent within the ‘who we are’ as ‘adults’ and as we come of age wherein we believe that we are, for example, depressive – when it is in fact just another way to yell out ‘help me!’ in a silent manner – or how we use the parent/ child relationship to only satisfy our desires which are usually linked to buying/ consuming something as a positive experience obtained from a negative input. Nothing else but energetic games that must be stopped within ourselves – one by one – as these seemingly ‘unimportant’ events have defined who and what we are in such specificity that we cannot even remember why we are in such a way, when all the keys are still here as ourselves, as these are survival mechanisms of the mind itself to ensure that we would remain busy/occupied evolving our characters and personalities, and as such never even have the least consideration to start looking at this world and reality beyond our character eyes.

To be continued…

 

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Life Review – The Victim of Judgment

Day 28: I’m Always Right

The cycle of generating some form of conflict  and friction in our reality to then create and formulate ways to get ourselves out of it into a positive experience is the only way that we can be constantly accumulating these ‘pats of god’ (or god spats lol)  to temporarily satiate our constant yearn to be ‘fulfilled/ happy/ productive’ and yes, creating a sense of comfort out of that initial self-created beaten and won war against, well essentially only ourselves.


Self Righteous was my ‘flavor’ when it came to living out such pattern, and I am dead honest that I had not realized this until it was pointed out in my face while being at the farm and talking the point of ‘my way’ out, wherein I had deemed that my perceived ‘positive attributes’ didn’t have to be self-forgiven/ corrected, without realizing how they were in fact only generated out of the point that I now understand with more clarity: we birth ourselves as conflict that seeks the eternal completion/ fulfillment/ satisfaction as that positive experience that we have to constantly feed/ upkeep as an elusive ‘state of being’ that has lead us to co-create the current world system where ‘all your dreams can come true’ if you have enough millions in the hole-on-wall and enough needy people to do ‘whatever they can for you’ in exchange of some of your cake’s crumbs.



So – this constant desire to always be ‘right,’ of always having the ‘ultimate say’ becomes a ‘desire-to-always-win’ pattern wherein any window of opportunity is used to outshine and blind with lights of ‘I know it all’ wherein the more we believe we are ‘right,’ the harder it gets to turn off the light  – why? because all things related to instant gratification are easily consumed. It’s like offering a candy or a vegetable to a ‘regular’ person – they would mostly go for the candy because it creates a nice fluffy feeling, whereas the vegetable is cool for your digestive tract – yet it doesn’t recreate, instigate or enhance any feeling that makes us feel a little piece of heaven for a moment, only running out as the effect of any drug that we then seek to come back for more. The fact that we have equated ‘winning’ to ‘living’ is another one of those capitalistic logical statements that we have adopted as ‘our life’ – and within this, we have accepted ourselves to become our very own dictators of what is right/ wrong, good/ bad in our reality. We all run our own Wall Street in our mind and somehow we always manage to make the algorithms work on our favor – no different to how money runs (or is created out of thin air) in this world.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to find fault in people, things, places, events in order to have the ‘ultimate say’ about it wherein in my mind, I either have to humbly accept that something is ‘cool’ and ‘alright’ or I get the most juice of it all by claiming that ‘it’s wrong, it’s not good enough, it’s flawed’ which proves that I only get the most winning-experience when in my mind I am able to find enough fault/ mistakes that I can judge in order to then correct them within my own mind and in that believe that ‘I can do/ be better than that, my idea was better’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I always get the most of the cake/ the most positive reward whenever I am able to prove something/ someone wrong and in that, build my ego up based on ‘finding fault in another,’ wherein such projection can only exist if I seek to prove myself right according to what I ‘believe,’ and ‘what I am’ as an idea in my mind, because I see and realize that in physicality, we are all one and equal – bones, cells, tissue, organs, flesh don’t require to prove something or someone wrong or right in order to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always place myself in my mind above others, wherein no matter what is being said, I cringe whenever there is something that I must admit is ‘right’ and in that, believe that I am ‘diminishing’ myself because of agreeing with another’s words/ statements, wherein because I didn’t get to ‘prove them wrong,’ I am left with my initial state of only seeking to make myself feel ‘more’ and ‘better’ based on placing myself ‘on top’ of others, which can only be a mental masturbation in my mind wherein my ‘success’ is stemming from bashing/ proving others wrong.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very judge of everything and everyone in means of seeking ways to always make myself feel better about it all, which implies that I seek to ‘out do’ someone, ‘become better’ based on excelling in comparison to others, wherein I then live a life of constant and continuous strife to ‘always be right,’ because ‘being right’ has become the very definition of how I see myself, who I believe myself to be, because that’s the way that I have accepted and allowed myself to be worthy/ be acceptable/ be important toward others – in this


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life not for myself but as a constant comparison and projected judgment onto others, without realizing that within this very mechanism of me always ‘being right,’ I am in fact fearing and avoiding ‘being wrong’ at all cost, which implies that


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘diminish’ who I am as an idea – which is the only thing that can diminish of myself – when realizing that I was in fact ‘wrong’ within a particular circumstance wherein such experience is felt as a failure, as a ‘loss’ which is what generates envy and jealousy whenever we project such loss as an experience toward others that ‘got it right,’ and in that, create an entire antagonism based on only ‘me’ as my ego wanting to continue ‘winning’ all the time, wherein anyone that gets to be on the same/ similar position is seen as an enemy/ threat to who I am as the ego that is always right.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very power-game that fuels the idea of myself in this immaculate self-righteous person that suffers and goes into the negative and self-deprecating person if that initial desire and projection as a ‘winner’ is not fulfilled wherein then I step down of the hill all the way down and below sea level, wherein I in fact remain ‘out of competition’ because of perceiving that ‘If I could not do it my way, then fuck it, I won’t play the game any more’, which is the usual way of victimizing myself wherein


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a victimized state that also requires to be kept ‘alive’ by me deliberately denying that I am capable/ able to direct myself effectively and believing that because I didn’t ‘get it right’ the first time, I just rather pass-on the point/ work/ assignment onto others that ‘have proven to do it right, ‘ which is not an unconditional move but an actual victimized state masked with ‘understanding, ‘which is stemming from the spiteful nature toward ourselves when not getting our immediate ‘fix’ of feeling ‘great’ for ‘always being right’ about something/ someone/ event.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the opposite polarity of believing that ‘I always fail at this/ I always get it wrong’ which also gets an energetic kick as an experience whenever another can confirm and commiserate to my own victimization, wherein them agreeing that I am in fact ‘fucked up,’ makes me – absurdly so – feel better, because I was able to get a confirmation from another of what I created for myself as ‘being wrong,’ which in a twisted energetic game becomes a ‘positive experience’ because I got seconded by another in my own mental delusion, proving in my mind that ‘I was right,’ which becomes then a perceived ‘fine’ experience in stagnant self-wrongness that eventually makes us feel ‘good’ as well, because we get the confirmation by others that ‘that’s who I am/ that’s ‘my nature’ and that’s what ‘I deal with,’ yet without the actual understanding of how I created such patterns for myself.



I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only become a person of ‘good reputation’ when considering that all acts of such self-seeking positive nature support the maintenance of the money system running as the consequence of this desire to only win. Instead I see that any disagreement toward a point of common sense, can only allow myself to reflect within me ‘who am I’ while reading others’ blogs/ sharings and in that, see if I am trying to prove something wrong/ right when and while reading others words.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I was born out of conflict and in that, becoming Self-Righteous means that I get my satisfaction from being appraised as ‘always right,’ which is what then gets me out of my initial self-perception of being wrong and seeking to ‘be right’ wherein through obtaining the positive feedback, I build the conceptual confidence and stability based on compliments/ words/ perceptions that I believe is ‘who I am,’ therefore perceiving it as a way of accepting ‘who I am’ as ‘always being right’ at the eyes of others, creating me a flattery experience – without realizing that I am the only one that has structured this ‘rewarding game, ‘ wherein others’ expression is fitted into my own rules of the game to make them useful to fulfill my own created patterns of winning, losing, being recognized, being wronged by others, in that scheming my own inner conflict through positive and negative feedback that I have accepted and allowed to define ‘who I am.’


I realize that I have always only played all of these games in secret, within my mind wherein there is no ‘others eyes’ as judgments other than the thoughts that I constructed within myself at all times. This is then debunking the constant participation within the permanent comparison toward others to assess ‘where am I in relation to others,’ which can only exist within me existing as a value that can be more or less than others, which is ludicrous and can only be ‘real’ as the idea of self – never as who I really am as one and equal as life.


I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that what I in fact fear to self forgive is my ability to continue existing as a self-righteous person because in that, ‘who I am’ is exposed and mined wherein all that is left for me is to live without being a constant energy seeking machine to be ‘right’ at all times, but instead simply direct myself within the consideration of what’s best for all, wherein I am able to express in a self-directive manner wherein I ensure no backchat as comparison/ judgments/ self righteousness is being the starting point of my participation.


When and as I see myself assessing others using my right-o-meter as the mental ever-present judge that I’ve become, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all that I am ‘assessing’ is in fact my own mind, projecting judgments onto other which eventually  affect and disrate how I view others – in my mind – and in that be the point that hears/ sees within common sense wherein I allow myself to stand as the correction and then simply externalize it/ communicating, which is then being a supportive point to establish equal-relationships wherein no more competition, rivalry and judgment onto others as right or wrong is perpetuated.


I commit myself to stop the mechanism of me wanting to be right all the time in order to accumulate ‘props for my ego,’ wherein who I am and has been cannot be defined as knowledge/ information/ self beliefs to feed on. I move me as an assessment of what’s best for all in the moment, without over complicating the point by having to add ‘extra value’ to it –I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt self-righteousness as my personal religion wherein everything I judge upon others ‘is and must be so’ because in my mind ‘I’m always right,’ which is used as a necessary crutch to cover up the initial uncertainty, mistrust, fear and self judgment that is polarized into a positive-view of reality wherein I make sure that I am always ‘winning’


I commit myself to stop all desires to always win, and in that, give myself back to myself that which I thought I had to ‘prove someone/ something’ wrong to, within this I am able to identify the points that I have separated myself from and in that, assess my application in practicality and living-reality wherein the only law of our being as equality and oneness can be the ultimate say in this reality, not knowledge.


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2012 Paralyzing Human Nature

“Conflict engenders fire, the fire of affects and emotions, and like every other fire it has two aspects, that of combustion and that of creating light. On the one hand, emotion is the alchemical fire whose warmth brings everything into existence and whose heat burns all superfluities to ashes. But on the other hand, emotion is the moment when steel meets flint and a spark is struck forth, for emotion is the chief source of consciousness. There is no change from darkness to light or from inertia to movement without emotion”  – Carl Jung

 

Jung’s work allowed us to get closer to understanding archetypes as preprogrammed patterns within society that we become and interact within/ as. However, the ‘point’ within psychology is still trying to ‘make sense’ and accept emotions/ feelings as something inherently ‘natural’ and part of the human being. This single acceptance has lead then to multiple theories and endless philosophical attempts to ‘make sense’ of ourselves as our mind, as ‘human beings’ disregarding the most basic common sense that we could only get to understand now, for the very first time in our human history according to what the Desteni material reveals: we have been Mind Consciousness Systems, preprogrammed from birth wherein our inherent preprogramming and standard mind-perception of reality has kept us in an invisible cage wherein we apparently had to ‘cope’ with emotions and feelings, trying to keep ‘a hold’ of ourselves instead of absolutely stopping participating with them because: they are NOT who we really are.

Reading this quote and seeing the way that it is evoking such chemical reactions reminded me of a post I read on Márton’s blog wherein he said how the human being should be called the most reactive element on Earth – and it is definitely so. We react with words, pictures, smells, colors, figures, images, everything is able to ignite a feeling and sensation within us, everything is able to ‘push our buttons’ according to how we have accepted and allowed ourselves to only exist as a program. That you’ll be able to understand in full detail in the ‘what is sex’ interviews which explains this in absolute detail, which is the type of investigation that people like Jung or Freud could have used to actually get to understand Reality and ‘human nature’ in its totality.

After getting to know the nitty gritty details of who and what we have been all this time – which was unknown to ourselves as human race until now – it becomes inevitable to not see how necessary it is for us to let the world know that: our inner reactions, conflict, turmoil and inner war – as well as the polarity of yearning for love, light, prosperity and happiness – is creating this entire world based on an incessant conflict/friction and opposition between both polarities manifested as our very thoughts, personalities/ egos that are currently manifested as wars, discord, judgment toward each other and the list of disregarding another as equals goes on.

Therefore, what are we exactly justifying within Jung’s statements above? The very existence of wars in this world. This single idea of “There is no change from darkness to light or from inertia to movement without emotion” can be equally used by someone in an executive position to vindicate war in means of ‘progress.’ This is only to get an idea at what level we are creating/ manifesting the world we are currently living in: self created due to each one of us perpetuating inside ourselves as our thoughts, feelings emotions in constant conflict as the very mechanisms that keep the entire friction and opposition going on in the world, which is our reflection to face our attempt of becoming gods in this reality. Failed so far.

The personality-suit I had to wear in this world was that of following these type of thinking, wherein I thought that the more I felt = the more human I was, that I could only motivate myself through experiences – including love, positivity and the opposites like rage, depression, anger – all of this without realizing that it was within those very emotions and feelings that I actually separated myself from what is HERE which doesn’t require ignitions to ‘keep going,’ but actually requiring us to put out the inner-fires as inner conflict and turmoil that has perpetuated and externalized as wars and multiple disagreements that we can find virtually everywhere in this world. Though, everyone wants to defend their ‘right’ to ‘feel’ and ‘think’ whatever they want because that’s apparently the ‘one freedom’ that ‘god’ gave us – right.

 

If we look at ‘light’ it is indeed generated by energy, fire is generated by creating friction with two sticks until they ignite – combustion is the process that we are currently drowning ourselves in as global warming is now our reality and consequence within a system wherein we have enslaved ourselves to energy. It is fascinating how our very own inner-workings are mirroring our reality as ‘our creation,’ spoiling the natural order that was here and turning it into a prison planet. Look at wars, they are currently at a simmering point because of oil – oil for burning and keeping our ‘machinery’ going to sustain this world that is only able to function if it is fueled.

It is vital to understand how this creation was only fueling heaven, how we were only batteries that kept the entire system of ‘god’ alive, with our every own thoughts and participation in emotions and feelings!

Now, why was this never actually pin pointed by anyone on Earth? Because everyone was equally preprogrammed to NEVER be able to ‘know’ the actual facts of how the mind works, how our reality is preprogrammed to keep us quite busy with our inner-states of mind and experiences while neglecting the very obvious fact that something is ‘really wrong’ in this world. Fortunately, we are waking up and we have the tools to assist and support ourselves because we cannot possibly continue existing in absolute ignorance of  HOW our reality works and WHY it is so imperative to stop participating in feelings, emotions and thoughts that are only there to limit our ability to live, existing only as prefab limited version of ‘life’ that is able to be categorized as different suits and archetypes/ matrix personalities that we have believed is ‘who we are,’ instead of actually recognizing and accepting our ability to stand up and express-as-life.

Got news for you: we are here and ready to share with the world that there is another way, that we are in fact able to know the actual inner-workings of ourselves as our mind and from here, understand how it is only through us stopping our individual participation in/as the mind and correcting our patterns and habits of self-limitation, that we can Stop contributing to the current conflicts and disagreements that are manifested in this reality in the form of our very social institutions that are supposed to ‘regulate’ and ‘care’ for the general well being of man; when in fact our very own greed/ self-interest, self importance and personal desires to succeed in a fictional world is taking the most out of the non-refundable resources, while the Earth continues to scream out for us to HEAR that We Must Stop.

This is self evident now, you just have to step outside of your inner-experience and investigate how everything that we consume to live is currently tied to some form of abuse as an energetic enslavement  – yes, literally anything we eat, wear, use is tied to an entire system of Money which is our well kept fallacy created only for the benefit of those that are ‘on top,’ while enslaving the rest to keep the ‘cogwheels churning.’

How is it that psychology never really questioned the ability of human beings to create a fictional system based on an imaginary set of values imposed on to what is here, such as our current monetary system? Why are religions and the belief in gods and invisible masters not questioned and considered as the mental-dysfunctions that they actually are?

 

We must stop ‘seeking’ ourselves ‘out there’ and creating all forms of conflict while doing so –there is nothing else to ‘attain’ as everything is already Here. We must stop feeding our though-machine that generates our reality as a bundle of experiences as feelings and emotions that we then get lost in, and eventually harm ourselves and many other life forms during that process without ever pondering: What am I Actually doing? What is it that I am actually ‘living for’? What is this that I am participating in? Is this actually ‘me’? Is this all that I am? Where have I been all this time?

When you are ready to find out the reality behind these questions, join us at Desteni – participate in the forums to see how we are in fact the new way of understanding human nature from a holistic perspective wherein there are practical solutions at a micro and macro perspective of the world, a holistic understanding that will bring an end to all abuse, misery, suffering and wars in this world. We’re done with the history of theories and ‘experimental cures’ – we are able to support ourselves and have fun while doing so as well.

equalmoney.org to understand how we can implement a reality that’s truly best for all as a brand new equality-system while learning how to cooperate and regard each other as equals as LIFE at last.

This is it, human beings, we stand up or we destroy the world. I suggest the first one – what better place than here, what better time than now.

 

Self-created shock

Support yourself

desteniiprocess.com Walk out of your mind into the physical.

 

Suggest to read/ hear:

 

Killing other Humans (Justin Bowerman an army specialist) by Bernard Poolman

Demilitarization | No more wars
Of WAR and the RAW nature of life by Bella Bargilly

 


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