Tag Archives: friendships

617. To Be A Part Of

 

Sharing about developing empathy and nurturing my life experience in my community.

I had quite a shift during my day yesterday where I consider I finally understood what was missing in my life experience before, wherein I used to be very ‘utilitarian’ in a sense and judge things based on them being useful for something tangible or not and within this, write off a lot of experiences that had to do with what I judged as a waste of time like getting together in a concert to presence live music, or going to the movies, or seeing a play, or attending a conference about some kind of creative process.

I actually considered that the ‘click’ of realizing this emerged yesterday with a series of small moments of contact and connection with people that renewed this understanding that I’ve actually been expanding on throughout this first half of the year for the most part and getting to genuinely enjoy my human experience – at last – lol.

If anyone has a recollection of me, I defined myself as a Grinch, the person that hates family reunions, large crowds, having to ‘deal with people,’ would rather be alone and isolated from everything that didn’t just ‘make sense’ or ‘agreed’ with how I view things or would be zero productive in a utilitarian sense. I stopped watching anything entertaining and only focused on sucking all kinds of information I could and placed myself in a higher ground where I believed that ‘everyone else that seemed to be enjoying their life were fools and disingenuous about reality.’ Well, the joke was on me, because I truly got bitter and lifeless to say the least, and it was only through a decision to challenge this ‘me’ mindset that I’ve been – slowly but surely – cracking open from that hardened shell.

Now, this is something that I would not have been able to do alone at all. Yes, I had to make the decision to – as they say – put myself out there and actually give myself the time to stop moving from ‘task to task’ for a moment and give myself some time to stop and ‘smell the roses’ so to speak. For example, I’m so used to taking a walk everyday for over a decade now, and I had the phases where I’d do something ‘productive’ in it like taking pictures and videos and so forth – then It was just me walking, going to get things somewhere and come back, have the least contact with people throughout that and be quite generally ‘lacking’ something in my life in doing that,  yet being very disciplined about it and believing I was achieving some form of self mastery in doing so.

Well, from the past year I decided to not only do the walk but actually use the time to also get to interact with others and actually establish relationships through that. It all started with opening up to enjoying listening to music in the street and standing there enough time where I’m not in my usual ‘rush’ of having to leave the place or having this race against time, but genuinely set myself to enjoy observing ‘life passing by’ which is something I had avoided doing – again – within the mindset of: ‘Oh this is just a waste of time, no one is getting anything out of it, I’m not getting anything done’ etc. But over time, I realized that it was through that sort of dedication and openness that I got to connect more with people in my environment and stopped seeing it only as a nice ‘background’ or ‘scenario’ to look at or walk by, and instead I decided to be more a part of it all, to actually stop seeing myself as an outsider, as someone that will most likely ‘leave at any time from here’ and actually grow some roots as I heard someone in a documentary I watched yesterday say.

Man, it’s been such a change and I don’t mean to turn my bleak view on the world into a suddenly rosy everything is fine now mindset, nope, because in actually getting to create relationships with people, getting to know more about their lives and relationships, one does realize a lot of messed up things going on, which have also opened up my eyes tremendously to realize how much I was sort of deluded into just blabbering these higher than life principles but in reality there was no actual decision from me to create an actual Empathy with people, to actually connect, to actually step out of my misanthropy and get to really connect and decide to care about others. That’s the change that I’ve been working on and has definitely changed my life experience in quite a significant way and I’m only starting with this.

How did I got to this? By deciding to grow roots, to finally settle in and ‘go out there’, and instead be more present, be more HERE which I thought I was doing by keeping myself in a semi-monkish way with little to not distractions and very few interactions that I could be perturbed by. I avoided people, that’s the reality – and now it’s sort of the other way around and it’s not a 100% change, but  I definitely now push through to show up to meetings and places and family reunions that I would usually talk myself out of, giving myself certain excuses like being able to use the time for something ‘more productive’ apparently.

Looking back, I can see all the many things that I cut myself off from, like cousins that had kids and I wasn’t there at all when they were baptized or born or had their first birthdays, I always said no to any of it. Now that I’ve been rekindling those relationships, there is a bit of sadness about having missed out on all of that growth and now I see them with 12, 18, 5 years old and missed out on all of their initial developmental phases, including that of my direct nephew and niece because I was in such mindset of detaching myself from everything and everyone and believing that way I would not ‘be hurt’ if I had to leave this place that I live in. I deliberately created detachment to things and that definitely wasn’t the way… and yes, I’ve also gone through the route of being resentful to myself for making such decisions, looking back at ‘all that I didn’t do’ or that ‘could have been different,’ but, at the same time I’ve deliberately decided to not beat myself up for it, to make peace with it because that was me back then, having a very rigid mindset going on about my life and what I should do and how I should think, and yes I deliberately separated myself a lot from virtually everything around me, I was like an alien living where I am but not really TRULY seeing myself as a part of it all, I was just like an observer, a temporary observer. Of course this may sound like I didn’t connect ‘at all’ with people, I remember having had equally enjoyable time when being in art school, but once that was done, I did isolate myself quite a bit.

How did I come to open this up today at last? I was listening to Joe Rogan’s podcast, which is something I’ve been listening to for several months now and I’ve genuinely nurtured myself from it because I find that it is through people’s lives and experiences, the challenges they create for themselves that they create successful and enjoyable lives that do not come easy, they come with hardship, but see the benefit and satisfaction in doing so. So, yesterday’s podcast was about a guy that went to live with a certain kind of monks – not Buddhists – for 15 days and the stuff he gathered from it, and as I was listening to his description of how the monks lived, I realized that for quite a few years I lived like that, I’d like to say these past 7 or more years I sort of did that kind of detachment and unwavering discipline for certain things where one is living in the world and believing one is cultivating certain things – which yes I probably did – but are not really going ‘out there’ and really being a part of the world. I did this detachment for several years and I didn’t have to only go and live somewhere else in a similar seclusion for a year to do that as part of this process, but I sort of continued living that way even when coming back and I consider that was entirely my comfort zone and – still is in many ways – to not challenge myself further, even if I know that doing so is the most supportive thing to do.

Here I want to leave things clear that no one told me to do this but myself, that’s how I saw ‘the way’ to become a better person in this world, by not participating in a lot of what I considered useless, a waste of time, harmful, pointless, brainless, etc. And with that, I lost touch with actually being in reality and being able to enjoy and savor the various seemingly ‘meaningless’ living experiences.

I have to say that I actually have benefitted a lot from the various years I’ve spent going to documentary festivals now, like Ambulante festival here in Mexico, it was through that that I got back to seeing how people are living in the country I live in, the things that are unfortunately going on around me and that I was fully oblivious of, because I was focusing more on expecting some kind of world-reset-overnight-change in the economic and political level and a somehow miraculous ‘saving’ grace for this world to the point where I wasn’t concerned or rather interested at all in what was happening at a local level. It was through the documentaries and actually showing up to the screenings that I started getting ‘in touch’ with people in my community, it was a matter of deciding to care and push through the idea that it was pointless, that it was just entertainment and not judge it as that, and place myself there, learn to watch/hear/see the stories and kind of allow the idea to sink in that this that I am watching is not just some fictional story for entertainment, these are people’s lives.

It’s been such a nurturing process and it has assisted me a lot to finally develop that care, consideration, empathy and – god I will dare to say – affection for people. I never thought I would say that! Lol ‘so out of character’ and sure it damn is! It is as if the center of my being is finally ‘opening up’ in reality, not at an intellectual level in which ‘I thought’ that I cared about people and life on earth…. Seriously? By me having this constant ‘fighting’ mode and bitterness from the moment I’d step out of my home?   No way, how could I have in fact been ‘best for all’ with that sort of misanthropy exuding from my pores? Nope, yet I thought I was the most caring and self aware person walking on the streets…

This is what I was chatting about with my partner today, how much I have benefitted from art or artistic expressions actually, specifically documentaries and going to screenings and start getting to know of my community, and start seeing people that are presenting their work and realize I know them from another contact and getting to see their work and what their interests are and their different views on life and things… it has assisted me a lot to slowly but surely be stepping out of this rigid mentality where I thought that ‘everyone has to be like me’ or ‘think the same way I do’ because ‘it makes sense and it’s best for all,’ and instead, realize it’s about me being open to the myriad of living-ways that each human being represents, each one has got fascinating stories to tell in their own way, their own struggles and motivations to live and with their own purpose. I am now definitely interested in getting to know them, and savor it, and enjoy it.

This is me here writing it out at last, but this has been an accumulation process of several years now, like 3 at least where I noticed that I decided to step out of this ‘Grinch’ mode and started opening up to few things here and there and currently I am a lot more settled into this ‘newly’ found enjoyment and interest in being a part of a community, which I just didn’t care at all to do before.

Yesterday I got to confirm and kind of finally realized why I started being so drawn to these activities like going to watch documentaries or certain live acts downtown and through that developing a kinship to people that are more involved with this kind of activities, people that I had always just ‘passed by’ that I am now deciding to actually talk to and get to know and possibly collaborate with. I went to this short film festival from locals and it is so out of character for me to say this, but it was heart-warming to see some of the youngsters share their story of why they got to do certain works like an animation – which I personally didn’t ‘get’ much – but I got a lot more from seeing the nervous-stricken guy tell the story about his dad leaving home to do some PHD and having certain legos left with him that he got kind of an obsession with and developing an entire animation with them which surely must have been a LOT of work to do, but it was a way for him to deal with that sort of situation of how he lives his life, his own ‘isolation’ if you will and how genuinely happy  – to the brink of tears – he was to be able to show his work, his many hours of production to the people in his community, to his co-citizens, as he called us and at that emblematic place that is built for that kind of local reunion to watch certain acts live – music, theatre, movies, etc.  His words were a way to finally ‘put words’ to the reason why I also showed up, it is a form of care and interesting in other humans and their lives and creations.

Lol, I kind of finally ‘got’ why art is relevant. I laugh because I ‘studied’ it and practice it, but I had not truly given words to the reason ‘why’ it is relevant.  And this I also got from listening to someone in a podcast or so say that we need kids in this world, newborns, that will grow up to be the next inventors, the next artists that enrich our living experience – and that hit a core right there. See, I had no ‘clear’ idea why I would like doing art, or watching movies now on a regular basis as part of my time with my partner and going out to be a part of a communal show like it is to go to the movies, or going to the documentary festivals which I also very much enjoy as those activities that have genuinely made my life better, building myself as a part of the world through these activities. Showing up to all of these is a statement of ‘hey I’m here, I want to commune-icate with you, you are part of my community, we’re all here, let’s connect and support each other’ which to me, is becoming ‘the’ thing that moves me and drives me in my life: developing these relationships and connections with others.

This is quite a big change because I like being productive, there’s no way around it, I ‘dwindle’ if I just place myself in non-action consuming only information or watching something and not ‘doing’ something at the same time, which is why going to the movies is almost a requirement for me to watch something and be still, and it also forces me to go out, to meet with others, to be ‘part’ of a community for a moment, even if I don’t get to speak with the rest of the attendants, I’m there, we’re there and sharing a moment.

I guess that’s what it also boils down to. I was so glad to arrive yesterday to downtown’s theatre and see this long queue of people waiting to come in to watch these 4 short films made by locals. Sure, it could have been that each one of them invited all of their friends and family, but so what! It was such a nice thing to witness and again, be a part of, where I decided to make that time of my day to meet up with these other hundreds of people, fill out an entire auditorium to watch these emerging film makers that share the same city with us. It certainly isn’t the same as watching foreign films, because these are people around you, growing in the same culture, moving through the same spaces and seeing that on film kind of creates a form of bond that I had completely disregarded as ‘pointless’ or a ‘mind thing’ before.

I’ve talked about how I realized the actual care and enjoyment of people around me nowadays and how I went from hating crowds to enjoying the moment of standing in a crowd and watching musicians play, or being sitting around many that are there watching documentaries, and enjoying their laughter and their sadness which at times comes with watching these stories and knowing that we all got that experience right there to stay with us. And that’s – I guess – the power and purpose of the art sharing experience, or simply sharing experiences through film, music, seeing some visual art… but even more so, I get to enjoy hearing the voices behind those creations, that to me is essential nowadays. Yesterday I got to see that as well how some of the things that I watched were just ‘meh’ or not ‘my style’ but hearing the story behind it, about the connections they had to create to have it done, the challenges, the dedication, the effort, the resources pulled for it, that definitely became interesting and inspiring as well.

I was also very much touched by a guy that told his story of how he initially started his documentary wanting to share about how much he loathed his family – lol – because of a treason situation his uncle did, but through making the documentary and getting to know his friends’ stories about their relationship to their family, he realized that his initial premise for the documentary was going to be shitty and not inspiring at all. So through the making process, he literally said it was an act of forgiveness and him realizing the importance of family even if one feels like the ‘odd one out’ which I very much could relate to, so this documentary definitely spoke to me quite a bit because I had been so reluctant about family, family gatherings and such and it is only now throughout these past months that I’ve come to enjoy it and cherish it for what they are and represent, and this documentary also made me realize there’s plenty of people that felt like me, some that are still in that detachment phase – which seems to be related to being a young adult – and others that accept and have come to make peace with the variety of characters that a family represents yet, sticking together for the network of support and community that it is.

It was very cool for me to see this in the shape of several stories linked with this common denominator, somehow seeing people from your same city talking about these things turns a moment into an enriching experience where I felt a little more ‘connected’ to everyone around me and within that, taking one further step out of my bubble. Even with hearing another person next to me laugh at the same situation I could personally relate to from the documentary, became an ‘Ah! I’m not alone!’ type of realization, even if it is very obvious that we live in a city with lots of people and we barely communicate to each other – yet, it is in this kind of gatherings where to me the movie is a bridge to connect with each other, and that’s awesome. I’ve made a couple of friends now this way because of seeing what they created and wanting to get to know more about them and finding that kinship within their drive for this kind of creation.

After I went out from that whole after-film discussion, I was walking down the street with my partner and we saw one of his friends playing at a café, there was barely anyone there so we decided to join in. The sheer fact of seeing him see us decide to come in and drink a cup of coffee while listening to him play was enjoyable in itself, a decision to say ‘Hey I’m here, came to see you!’ and it surely was also enjoyable and ‘out of routine’ to do this kind of decisions, sitting there for a moment and share about our day became such an enjoyable moment as well, where we could later talk with his friend – our friend I’d say now – and get to give him some ideas of how to get out of a rut he was stuck with and impulse him to test out other ways to use his kills and make money out of it. It was a short meeting, a ‘moment’ only if you will, but to me this is the kind of substantial bits that make my life experience a lot richer… and it would not happen if I didn’t take the time to be ‘out there’ and actually have the disposition to connect with others too. I’m grateful for the connections like this that I’ve been able to make through my partner who is also very much linked to the local community and I am appreciating the benefit of having that starting point to be able to relate to many more people. In a way, I’ve come to definitely no longer enjoy myself only being ‘isolated’ and not having this sort of connections around others, and realizing more and more how no man is an island and when I pretended to be so, I definitely sank in it.

One thing I realized as well is that it’s not about creating ‘best friends’ with all kinds of people, but definitely relating to many more and being open to the variety of people in a community is part of what living life is… a complement to the rest of the personal doings, productive ways and personal achievements. I am opening my eyes to see how I definitely want to become a participating-part of my community and use the ways and means I have to start doing so, starting relating to others, instead of living like a hermit even when surrounded by people.

So, it feels like I had some kind of writing constipation for several months – I’ve certainly been processing several things and rerouting a bit my life and deciding to ‘grow roots’ here, which I am finally doing and looking forward to continuing developing.

I also realized that the most important thing is to share my story, how I’ve changed, what I’m busy changing, instead of wanting to come here and stand in a moral highground about how things should be or could be – I’ve been there and done that – so, there’s a tendency for me to want to end this with a note of ‘find your passion’ or ‘find your way’ to enjoy life, to genuinely get to experience that your life, your presence, your words, your doings are creating a form of meaning to you and others that is supportive, that is nurturing and expansive.

I am finding and developing that in ways that are very simple currently, as I shared in my past blog, that still stands and continues to be developing where the sheer process of getting to know one person and having that common stand point of creating a relationship in a way where living together becomes enjoyable and supportive IS worth living for, and seeing how that ripples out into the lives of others, without even ‘wanting’ to have an effect on them. That’s quite the remarkable thing I’d say and not to adjudicate any credits here to myself or anything like that, but simply seeing the effect of deciding to be a part of something and dedicate time to it, dedicate willingness to it, that’s quite an enjoyable thing to do.

This is currently the path for me, but I also understand it’s not everyone’s -and thank god for that, what would be the point if everyone would think or do the same things? – It’s all about being able to challenge ourselves, our ways, our ‘views’ and ask a very honest question: if we are dissatisfied about something in our lives, then what do we need to change and stop doing to stop making them shitty, meaningless and feeling miserable? And then dedicate the effort, time and actions to change that. I know the obstacles, I know the doubts, I know the fears, so, just taking the first steps over time is all I can say will open up new paths in how to get to enjoy living and seeing the benefit of it. I definitely am grateful to all of the people that have decided to share their music, share their films and documentaries, their stories with me and with many more. I get to enjoy my life more ever since opening up more to them and that’s great, otherwise, life would be too bland as I used to experience it.

Thanks for reading.

 Ambulante Puebla Marlen

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

 

 

 

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408. Taking it All Back to Self-Responsibility

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A deeply ingrained pattern within me was to see everyone and everything else as the source of my dissatisfaction, my anger, my sadness, my despair and general experience of being vexed just about everything in my world. I actually saw this world as not good enough ‘for me’ instead of ever pondering whether I was ‘making it a better place’ with existing in such constant state of complain and blame toward ‘people of this world’  which is like a constant state of ‘being against world,’ which I used as an excuse to relate to as little people as possible, being rather anti-social and the people that I would gather with, would have a similar bashing toward ‘the system’ as myself and similar preferences when it comes to art or music that would usually create a ‘window’ to just escape the reality that I would define in all derogatory manners I could. I even got fed up with having to live every single day and go through the same routine ‘For what? To make the world a shittier place than it is? To waste more water, food, to eat more animals, to trash the Earth more?’ Was the usual backchat… and still at times something that I have to direct within myself in Self-Responsibility. 

So I actually was what could be deemed as a generally angry person when it comes to ‘life’ in general, which I would then experience as ‘being fed up’ with the world, being against everyone, believing the only thing I could do to ‘make things better’ was criticizing the world system and individuals that I believed were ‘dishonest’ and ‘corrupt’ and sort of like the ‘scum of the Earth’ when it comes to political figures or just about any person that held any form of influential position in my reality. So within this all. In my ignorance then, I believed that I was ‘dignifying’ myself by ‘not falling for the crap in this world’ and that I was holding some kind of self-respect by pointing out the flaws I could count on everything and everyone else – but myself, of course. See, the biggest realization I had to face within this process is that of seeing how in apparently ‘spiting the world,’ I was in fact  spiting myself only, as I am the only one that would constantly create and harbor such anger, criticism, antagonism, the sense of being wronged, limited and enslaved ‘by others’ and having been oppressed for a long time, which at the time I simply saw it as part of ‘my generation,’ never realizing it is actually the nature of who we have become  in fact as human beings throughout time: always blaming others for how we feel, how we live and never ever look within oneself to consider: Ah, yes, it was always me that was creating this experience within me and so projecting it all as ‘my reality’ and actually creating this world and reality based on how I think, feel and perceive myself and everything/everyone in this world, which I never really realized: it’s myself.

 

 ‘But I do nothing wrong! I’m a good person! I wish good for the world! I fight for good causes! I AM a good human being, I am Not the problem, look at what everyone else does! THEY are the problem!’ This exemplifies the kind of stance that I would hold myself in, being on my ‘high horse’ of being an ethical and principled human being that never dared to question whether my pointing fingers at others as ‘those to blame’ was in fact in any way supportive for this world and this reality to change. Of course it wasn’t, and it never will.

 

The principle of self-responsibility implies what I’d like to call the Golden Rule of ‘Taking it Back to Self,’  which is a continuous point of reference that I direct myself to consider whenever I am seeing something in my reality that I would like to blame others for.

 

 

Example:  Today the city was chaotic when it comes to traffic.  There were several protests because of some anti-pollution system that is now asking people that have older car models to not circulate during Saturdays. Of course the people that own old cars and trucks complained the most since they are the ones that need to use the car as a matter of necessity for their work. Say you have to deliver fresh meat, vegetables to your business and travel from the central distributor to run your own business on a daily basis  and because you earn very little money and barely ‘make it’ you cannot afford to buy a new truck, so you have a +15 year old truck and now government rule says: you can’t drive on Saturdays – and you can’t even ask your neighbors or else as they are most likely also in similar situation. Well, what do people resort to: protesting on the streets, and so this is what happened. It’s interesting how for the moment I only focused on how I was being affected by it, then how others were being affected by the traffic and then judging the protest as ‘useless’ – only then was I able to realize that I didn’t know the cause of the protest so I then realized I had to inform myself about it.

What did I do? Well,  I had to walk a lot to get around, and initially I did let out some F words only to realize I was just playing the ‘angry person that has no context of why things are happening that way.’ So as I researched and placed myself in the shoes of others, I understood their discontent however it is also a paradox since the kilometers of cars that were on ‘stand by’ on the streets today most likely created more pollution than the old-model trucks that won’t circulate on Saturdays. Well, paradox is our last name on this Earth too. So instead of me getting angry at the government, getting angry at the protestors, getting angry at the packed train and ‘angry at the world’ for being so un-common sensical, I simply walked the situation ensuring I kept myself breathing, focusing instead on the actual walking, the routes and breathing, not getting disgusted with the car fumes which is another point to work with when walking past lines and lines of cars and trucks in stand by in what seemed like perpetual traffic. I actually placed myself in the shoes of the people stagnant in their cars and pondered how desperate they must be, not being able to even ‘turn around’ and leave the chaos, it was everywhere, which was again just a projection of how I have experienced myself in the past in such traffic jams inside a bus or car.

 What to do in such cases? Sit down and cry, yell? Scream? Curse at the government and environmental department for such measures? No, I instead understood the consequences we have created overall and how I could do nothing else but not participate in any form of reaction toward the situation. Instead I used the opportunity to strike a conversation with another person about the situation and realizing how others are less apprehensive than myself, so, I simply did what I had to do and got home safely. So, from an entire point that I could have turned into just another excuse to ‘blame the government’ or ‘blame the people’ or ‘hate the world’ I took responsibility for stopping my own reactions, seeing the ‘bigger picture’ and formulating plan B’s for transportation as a short-term solution and plan of action. In the long run and as a world-system solution, I support, plan and contribute the creation of a world-system where each one of us can be self-responsible and always consider what is best for all, so that these pollution measures are not a consequence of interests in running 20th century technology for over 60 years causing the environmental problems we have today, while technology could have been made available for everyone to run cars on other means other than petrol and so, prevent this kind of ‘bans’ and limiting people’s mobility. This is common sense and common sense is what must reign in our world: it begins within us, seeing, scheming and focusing on the solutions rather than complaining about the problems and the causes thereof.

 

What does Self-Responsibility in this example imply? It is about realizing that whatever I point out in another as a form of judgment or blame for how I experience and making them the ‘culprits’ of ‘my suffering’ is just the finest way to evade taking responsibility for what I experience, for what I generate in my mind and physical body that I then project onto others as if ‘my mind/my thoughts/my experience’ could change the situation – be it emotions, feelings, internal conversations, beliefs, assumptions – oh yes assumptions – still working on that for sure. So, in this case I rather made the best of the situation by ‘enjoying’ the walking and the challenges to create the best route for walking in a safe environment/more crowded and aiming at fulfilling the timeframe I had in order to arrive on time to my responsibilities. And that’s it; I made it and even enjoyed the bit chit-chat with another person while crammed in the train which is a seemingly ‘unimportant’ thing but it can create a sense of realization that we are all in this, we can discuss it and instead of complaining rather understanding it. Was I able to stop my own experiences successfully? I can say I did, even if in the beginning as I was walking past the protestors I could see myself being with an angry face and giving some f words to the air only to quickly realize my little tantrum and so eased the point after a minute and instead I directed my focus and attention on the actual walking I required to do to get to my destination – and so I did.

 

 

 

What I explained is one example where probably being in the same situation in the past I would use these moments as an excuse to rehash my anger at government, system, etc. and this is in fact one of the most prominent points of blame and anger that I’ve existed as toward ‘others’ which is in essence the opposite of taking self-responsibility for myself.  My specialty when it comes to blame and pointing fingers: The elite of this world and specifically catholic church.  I saw them all as ‘THE Culprits’ and the ones to blame for everything that is wrong in this world, even if was less aware of how the system really operates back then, I called it irrational anger which implies I don’t know all the reasons why, but now I see that acting in the mind is irrational: it creates only a sense of ‘righteousness’ without providing any solutions = it’s all a mind job.

I used to spend many hours criticizing the system in chats with friends and believing that I had the write to damn another with words and thoughts and believing that we had the answer to it all, that only ‘my way’ of seeing things was the right one. It becomes even another way to socialize, to create a sentiment of ‘union’ with others when we calumniate about others in positions of power, judging the corruption and ultimately getting nothing sorted out or ‘done’ but only getting angry and laughing it out as if our political assessments and dissent about ‘those in power’ would place us in a more ‘powerful’ position, the ability to bash another in one’s mind as a form of ‘spell’ that could ‘make them pay’ for what we believed was being done onto us and never really pondering ‘well, how am I participating in all of this?’ And this also comes with the excuse of ‘I was born into this’ or ‘I didn’t choose to into this world, my parents did’ or some other responsibility-dodging ‘memes’ that I can even point out from popular songs.

 

All of this was debunked when I came to realize the design of this reality and how the ‘bad guys’ were nothing else and nothing more than also a part of self, self as the whole, as the totality that exists here that is myself too, and that even if there was a god/creator or designer/architect, even if there are elites and bloodlines that had taken care of implementing the essential forms of control, guess what? They are also parts of myself that had been designed and taken such positions to perpetuate and install such forms of control which in turn have been accepted and allowed by each one of ourselves too. In other words: we were/are and have been all equally enslaved by the roles we have played all along throughout our ‘history’ or existence, fooled by the illusion of separation, of having ‘nothing to do’ with all the ‘evil’ in this world and believing myself to not be corrupted by the same mentality I judged those in power to have – but what I never really did was placing myself in their shoes, living their exact same life, their education/indoctrination, their own set-up to believe themselves to have such ability to have power and use it for their own benefit,  maybe even tricked by others within the idea of it being for a good cause too. Who knows? I can now say that whenever I actually place myself in the position of a person born in a golden crib and being essentially trained/educated to perform some kind of managerial/leadership task in this world to create more wealth or perpetuate some bloodline position, I can see how I would have probably done the exact same decisions we see many people ‘in power’ do, as I would then be completely enclosed into that mentality, unable to see beyond my own perception of ‘my task/duty’ in the world or using some ‘ability’ to get the most if such ability and high-end reality was everything I would have ever known ‘reality’ to be. 

Why haven’t we then realized the principle of considering one’s own responsibility? Because this would actually cease the problems, the friction and conflict within ourselves and within this world, which would expose the world-system we’ve created as our image and likeness of ‘divide and conquer’ where we fight within ourselves, apparently ‘fight against the world’ and so creating the concrete jungles we live in where ‘everyone and everything is wrong but myself.’

We coexist in a reality wherein we have all become very personally identified with the roles that we play, we have come to believe ourselves to be our professions, our money, our ownerships, our relationships, our appearance, our qualities and skills and everything that we have defined as ‘who I am’ which in a way it is as the potentials and points to align within self – but at a greater scale, we are only playing our ‘role’ in the play, wherein I’ve realized that what we have to stop from here on is precisely getting lost in the game, getting lost in character and forgetting the greater picture we’re walking here.  There’s so many petty and trivial things we start fighting each other for, blaming, pointing fingers, backchatting, cursing at and essentially always seeing another as ‘the problem’ for MY will /wellbeing to be fulfilled. And this is where we bit the apple and so now face the consequences.

 

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Why? The apple is the knowledge and information, the code of consciousness that we have integrated as ‘who we are’ – which is what we define as our egos: what we like, dislike, judge, blame, love, believe on, feel threatened by/fear, reject, accept, etc. All of this is based on the personalities we become. So what happens is that in this world and reality we are all born into various positions that certainly entail no ‘equality’ when it comes to the role in the play/game we are in. We have created this reality in the image and likeness of our own friction and conflict in the mind: we constantly believe we have to justify ourselves, to defend ourselves, to win the game, to trump others, to spite back, to fear, to secure something, etc. And this is in turn what we believe is caused ‘by others’ or ‘by the world’ within self, when in fact all that matters here is realizing that: we do this to ourselves, we cause these experiences within us and as such it is NOT about ‘them,’ it is about what I accept and allow to exist within myself.

 

A point I’ve worked with another person that also walks this process is taking self-responsibility for one’s reactions even when having faced a point of direct physical abuse. To learn how to take self-responsibility and to SELF-Forgive the creation of blame, resentment, holding a grudge toward another that is perceived as the ‘wrong doer’ entails an actual understanding of what led to such point of abuse, how do we all collectively create such point of abuse, how not to take personally the point of abuse and how to actually focus on self-forgiving the experiencing within self toward another and so realizing that the most harm done toward self is the recreation of blame, spite, resentment toward ‘the other’ as such experiences are always created within self, and self’s body and mind are the ones that actually end up being more affected throughout time than the actual point of abuse itself. This is then a clear example how Self-Responsibility goes hand in hand with Self-Forgiveness, because there is a realization of What I have done to MYSELF based on what I believed was a way to regain some sense of honor or respect, by spiting/being disgusted at/blaming/being angry at others that created a point of abuse ‘toward me’ – but in fact, once one starts exploring ‘abuse’ in itself, we can only come to the conclusion that all abuse is always self-abuse and that one cannot really ‘get away with murder’ in this existence, it might seem like it temporarily – but no one is at the moment ‘absolved’ from having to go through a Life Review wherein in this world or after death we get to face all points that we had left behind and that we believed we didn’t have to face again. Well, nothing really ‘washes away’ in this reality and that’s where Accountability exists along with Self-Responsibility.

 

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So once that I realize that everything I have experienced is My creation only, and that the ‘way of the world’ is nothing else but OUR ways in which we haven’t learned how to create a world that’s best for all, blaming, calling others names, getting angry at others, seeing myself as the ‘right’ one or any other delusion is then realized As the delusion, the actual point of irresponsibility that I play out just to ignore and deliberately abdicate my responsibility which is toward myself first and foremost so that I can then also see what I create in my world based on my own experiences. I am one point stopping, but what would happen if we all collectively understood this point, got out of the ‘angry/blameful character’ and start taking self-responsibility for what goes on within and without of ourselves?

 

I was talking to another today and it’s cool to get to see these points while walking this process as well, where a huge point of self-responsibility resides in the words we speak and understanding the ‘nature’ of the word that we speak and what we make of our reality with/through them. Being self-responsible implies realizing that whatever I  do/think/say creates a consequence, and so I ensure that I am able to Respond to such consequences, that I can effectively direct myself and others within such outflows and consequences as ‘they’ are in fact myself. So it is about self-direction where within common sense I stop creating the illusion of separation, the illusion of ‘others’ and start realizing that as I direct myself in consideration of what I act/do or don’t do in consideration of what is best for all as the principle that I live by as life in equality, being one and equal in fact, then I in fact start taking responsibility for myself and my creation/my reality as myself which includes others.

 

Sounds like a big task, but it isn’t when we begin with ourselves and so doing it to the point where the ways in which we recognize ‘the world system works’ are in fact patterns that exist within each one of us at a mind level, as our ‘ego’ that becomes them some kind of concept, idea, or system we enslave/limit each other with. This is how we cannot only say that ‘it is THEM’ doing it to ME’ because: it takes two to tango. The puppeteer cannot exist without the one that poses as puppet.

 

 

 

Many times I saw myself damning people, specifically people in power, people at heads of church or even some priests at my school. I wanted to blame them for perpetuating the lies, the corruption, the scams, the degradation of life to a profitable scheme where good ‘neutral’ images could sell education and promote ‘the word of god’ while doing the exact opposite to any of the principles ‘they’ were supposed to have vowed to. Well, if anything: aren’t we all doing the same thing? Aren’t we all living these lives where we all try and put our nicest image and idea of ourselves to hide everything that we know in fact exists as a threat to everyone’s well-being?  In my case I for sure spent a great amount of time polishing an image, an idea of myself, how I was going to achieve my aims which were all mostly based on personal power such as getting into some kind of ‘mainstream’ position that I would so openly criticized, but be able to position myself on the ‘left’ side of it, being the famous and popular opposition so that I could also make quite a big buck by writing and theorizing about dialectics, revolutions and how awfully wrong everything was in this world, seeking ‘justice’ through punishing those ‘at the top’ or any other form of diversion from Self-Responsibility, which is what’s broadly promoted in this world as ‘activism’ or ‘political commentator’ etc. An example: what has Assange, Snowden or some Russell Brand have done to promote self-responsibility? Anyone? Anything? No, hence I don’t buy any of the ‘roles’ they suppose in the system and even if they were ‘for real,’ I still get no life changing realization from what they revealed or say or are paid to say to perpetuate the idea of change through ‘revolutions’ and so forth. Well, this is an example of why Self-Responsibility isn’t being promoted on your TV as ‘Revolution,’ and this is why I consider it of utmost importance to stop seeking for culprits, to stop seeing ‘the elite’ as the problem, to stop seeking any form of revenge but instead, to start focusing on what I can do/ what I can direct, where and how can I stop the same patterns from reoccurring within myself.

 

Well I was on my way to become that, always complaining, always blaming, always getting angry, frustrated only to then seek to get ‘lost’ for a while so that I would not have to think further about why everything seemed so wrong in this world. Well, I missed the point all along: myself. I was the one perpetuating this internal war. Let’s look at it this way:  was I ever in fact talking to these people I blamed for ‘all the bad things in the world’ to actually dis-cuss the points I saw in them? No. Was I ever in fact looking at the structural problem, investigating the root and the cause of it and seeing how we are all co-participants in it? No. Was I ever genuinely intending to become part of the system then to be a participant that would direct things with common sense and self-responsibility from within the system? No, I did the opposite in fact until I also got sick and tired of being bitter and angry at the world. By my inherent desire to find some other ‘answer to life’ I discovered Desteni and started my process of Taking Self Responsibility, and I must say that this point of seeing myself as the point that has created such inner war was a hard one for me to grasp, just because of how much I had defined myself according to my own victimization, my own so-called ‘oppression’ and being ‘wronged’ by others –  but at the same time, it became the most humbling as well which I continue to be grateful for so that I can as I did today realize my ‘tantrum’ and ‘b-lameful character’ I become when blaming others for ‘things going wrong.’

 

Another example: when I think of ‘people in power’ I see nothing else but players within the same game I have also been an equal participant in. I don’t ‘feel’ hatred or anger as I used to and I probably have taken for granted such a change within me. I still have to work on myself on remaining stable and self-responsible when witnessing some kind of physical abuse in front of me or in my environment – and in this realizing that there is abuse going on in this world every single second and that if I was aware of it in fact as what’s going on within self, then I would never cease to be angry or about to explode for each point of abuse. I’ve realized my emotions do Nothing to solve the problem, but only perpetuate it. An example, I have walked a process of self-forgiveness about hatred to the church because I harbored so much hatred that it became something irrational, something I would just recreate even by passing by every church and till this day it is  something to still remind myself it’s just bricks and stones and not to judge the people in it or the priests at the top: we have all co-created this so I take responsibility for myself and ensure I do not perpetuate the separation through reacting emotionally about something or someone.  

I could not get the image of the inquisition instruments of torture out of my head for a long time and I could not fathom how such evil could exist within humans, and how ‘evil’ they must have been to do that to another human being… little did I know about the actuality of our nature, which has never been something nice or benevolent and how this is in fact not something I like to repeat to myself to ‘punish me’ or ‘blame me’ – not at all, it is about an understanding, it is about a ‘greater truth’ as the evidence of what is here that has enabled me to make sense of everything that I saw as the utmost horror and evil in this world, it allowed me to face myself, the nature of self. Till this day, hearing about the most atrocious forms of torture, imprisonment, abuse and decay is a test for me to not blame, to not go into anger, to remind myself that this Is the abuse that I am also a part of by virtue of being in this world and that by me creating an emotion about it, I am in fact not supporting anyone or anything to realize our responsibility within it all, to understand how we’ve come to create the results we have today in our reality and to be able to forgive ourselves for we didn’t know what the hell we were doing to ourselves/each other/self all along.

Another aspect that I support myself with is realizing that I would have probably done the exact same thing that ‘the most evil people’ in the world have done if I had been born in their shoes, lived their lives, walked their education or the lack thereof, the abuses onto them and so realize that the evil in this world is nothing else but the result of a multi-generational process of abuse toward each other, in absolute separation and ignoring the fact that any abuse imposed onto another: is abuse imposed onto self.

 

 

This is how when investigating and understanding more about the reality we live in, and whenever I see myself wanting to go into victimization, it is a point to remind myself that there I am wanting to throw my hands up in the air and believe I am powerless to do anything. Those are the moments to really not allow myself to even create one further thought of judgment toward others based on what I believe/know or assume they have done wrong or any ‘evil’ doing, and wanting to blame them for the state of affairs in this world. In fact I feel nothing these days toward ‘them’ but mostly it  all comes back as the realization of all the work that we must get done if we want to in fact be genuinely experience the potential that we are as life, which has been constantly obliterated every time that we only sought our personal glory, power and benefit.

 

So this point of self-responsibility in the form of the golden rule as Taking it all Back to Self is one of the most useful reminders in my process. With it I prevent myself from seeing others as the cause of ANY experience within myself, no matter how much I can see them as the culprits, the wrong doers, the evil ones etc.: by virtue of existing in this same planet, by virtue of being a human being, by virtue of me being able to point out what’s wrong = I am an equal participant and as such, I have to stop creating further experiences toward ‘them,’ I have to stop expecting others to change so that I can change, I have to stop believing that ‘they are doing this to me’ –  I stop myself from going into blame or holding a grudge against others, harboring hatred or plain rejection toward others as I see and realize that those emotions and experiences are only my own and I am not doing anything in fact to solve the problem and situation by getting angry.

 

Have I fully changed this at a personal level? Not to the absolute. I still get mad at times when I perceive people are being abusive, irresponsible or careless , mostly in my environment, things I can see around me which is then also according to what I am aware of. In this I commit myself to be diligently self-aware to ensure I do not allow myself to justify my reactions toward something/someone and instead ensure that I take absolute self-responsibility for myself, prevent my own reactions as I see and realize that any experience I create toward another is in fact anger toward myself for what I am accepting and allowing to exist within/as me, and that these emotions will get me nowhere, so I rather focus on being able to live here, in the physical stability of myself as breath and instead become an actual living example of what it means to live self-responsibility in this world, our creation and reality.  

 

5.       Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realizing only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others

 

 

To learn more about Self-Responsibility and the golden rule of ‘Taking it All Back to Self’

 

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  • Day 41: “Knowledge is Power"

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately become a knowledge-seeker wherein I deemed that I could get to be ‘worthy’ through accumulating knowledge and information that would enable me to ‘judge the world/ others’ with sufficient ‘cause’ as I had equated knowledge = power as power over others.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately accumulate knowledge as an ‘attribute’ that I CULTivated in order to be able to ‘worth’ myself according to the accumulation of knowledge and information that I used as ‘ammunition’ in order to be able to always have answer to everything, and within that, being able to ‘win’ at all times for giving the correct answer and feel ‘good’ about myself – in this

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to program me to become a knowledge and information sponge in the name of my personal benefit wherein I ‘knew’ that it would then not matter that I wasn’t accepted according to being a ‘suitable image’ in society, but I could be recognized, valued and worthy according to the knowledge and information that I decided to accumulate as a long-term inversion, wherein I could then get to ‘win’ over others through such knowledge and get people to value me and admire me according to the amount of knowledge and information that I could accumulate throughout my lifetime in my desire to become a ‘knowledgeable person’ that would be respected for ‘always having a bright opinion’ as the idea of who I wanted to be, as the one that could write about others and in that, having power even over those that were creating original-works (in writing/ art) as I could then use the ‘power of knowledge’ as words in order to either bash them = make my ego grow through feeling good about ‘bashing another with knowledge and information’ – or enhancing their ego through using knowledge and information to validate and justify their work according to my own knowledge and information reference.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that without knowledge, I would be a ‘no one.’

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for ever having suffered because of realizing that I had spent a long time accumulating knowledge as my own ‘inversion’ that could give me some profit in the future, as I expected and had directed me to become a ‘critique’ of reality, arts, culture and in that, thinking that I was ‘on the right path’ because of all the amount of knowledge and information that I had filled myself up with while growing up.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue perpetuating a system that is basing a child’s education only on knowledge and information in various ‘sectors’ that are in no way considering that the skills and abilities of each human being differ, and that knowledge and information without actual application is useless.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed my role/ position as being a ‘opinionated person’ that could bring up knowledge and information as a means to create an ‘impact’ that could place me upon others and in that, getting my positive experience for being praised whenever my teachers would say ‘oh you always have the answer’ or ‘what Don’t You know’ which would always place me in a position of mixed embarrassment and feeling good for taking that as a compliment, which means that I would mask the ‘good feeling’ with a ‘negative experience’ in order to not seem as conceited with knowledge toward my fellow classmates.

     

    I forgive myself that I ever allowed myself to take for granted every breath that sustained my personal pursuit of power through knowledge in place, using my physical body as a container of data that I could access whenever I would get the opportunity to ‘dazzle’ someone with my ‘wits’ and ‘win’ over something/someone by ‘knowing the right answer,’ which is how I allowed myself to become only a single personality that accepted that ‘being intelligent’ and ‘knowledgeable’ was ‘my place in society,’ and deliberately neglected any other activity that had nothing to do with arts, culture, books, intellectualism at its finest, within this

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deify myself as knowledge and information – which is energy of/ as the mind – and defying my own physicality every moment that I gave my power away to thinking and seeking to be ‘more knowledgeable’ believing that the ‘answer to life was there,’ and never considering my very own breathing-ability as the real life-giver, despite the evidence that knowledge and information and all intellectual in this world have only done one thing: thinking about the world, not living.

     

     

    I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to feel like the ‘queen of the world,’ when winning spelling contests and ‘beating males’ in the contest, as that apparently made me ‘super intelligent’ and making me feel better for having ‘them’ below me, which gave a specific sense of power as the knowledge and robotic task that spelling represents. I realize that the moment that I sought to win, I was fully participating in the same pursuit of triumph that I have cultivated my entire life, and that has been linked to me wanting to be recognized and valued according to the knowledge an information that ‘I possessed’ as a way to be recognized within society for that, as I deemed that I only was ‘good at’ mind-related work, but not physical world – and yet believe that I was ‘on the right track’ because

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate a world-system wherein knowledge is paid more than actual physical work, which is a point that I have criticized of the system as to why people that are above in the hierarchies are paid extensive amounts of money, while only giving orders and sitting around all day – while people that would do the actual work to keep the money system in place get paid close to nothing, which I deemed as ‘absolutely unfair’ yet, I was aiming at becoming a part of the people that earn a lot of money for thinking and not doing much, which proves the double standards that exist when one thinks that ‘my job is to have opinions about reality and intellectualize it’ and nothing else, which is diminishing my entirety to become nothing else but an archive of knowledge and information that has no practical-living experience, but only gets paid for/ is recognized by all knowledge and information that has been accumulated in order to be able to use it to ‘talk about reality’ without actually being a part of reality as in physically walking the world-system, but only staying at the comfort of my own mind that gets money out of thinking reality.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that whatever I could see in another was ‘the reality’ of such person, as all that I was seeing was their mind according to my own mind without really taking into consideration that all that we have ever been is the accumulation of manifested consequence as the effects of the primordial separation from who we really are as life into energy – which means that anything that I could perceive, believe and think another to be, is only me viewing myself according to my own ‘frame of mind’ as the frame that I have limited myself with to never Live, here as a physical being, but only live through/ as my own mind – believing myself to be the knowledge and information that I accepted as ‘who I am’ while growing up – within this, becoming my own set of knowledge and information in separation of  my physical body that doesn’t require to be judged/ assessed/ defined/ given adjectives to in order to exist.

     

    I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to stand in front of the mirror and judge my body through the eyes of the mind as the eyes of that energetic consequence of separation form myself as my physical body, which implies that I would always see me as ‘not good enough’ / ‘flawed’ because of who I had accepted and allowed myself to be and become as ‘my own mind’ – within this

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard every single cell that allows me to breathe, to move, to drink, to eat, to walk, to interact with my environment wherein all of this time I had deemed it as just ‘dead flesh,’ which is an absolute insult as the only thing that can end up dead is the physical consumed by my own continued and deliberate participation in the mind. I realize that the ability to direct myself as my mind is absolutely possible – therefore, I allow myself to stop thinking and simply approach my own body for the physicality that it is, instead of diminishing it to being subject of my own judgments that exist only in the righteousness of who I am as my mind.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become self-righteousness based on the certainty that ‘who I am is my mind’ and thus, cultivated my own mind in order to make of it a long-term investment that I could later on ‘use’ as a means to obtain money/power in this world as an ‘intellectual’ which was part of the aims I had toward my life, wherein I certainly abused my body due to using it only as a knowledge-carrier and allowing me to simply exist to deify knowledge and information, while neglecting and separating myself from every breath that I took for granted throughout my life.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever invest endless hours improving my own mind as to be able to ‘judge’ reality with proper tools and ways to always ‘win’ and have ‘the ace’ under my sleeve – which means that everything that I CULTivated throughout my life was consuming knowledge and information that I kept/ stored in the future projected belief that ‘I will someday need it’ and in that, locking myself into the future as knowledge and information, while neglecting my very physical body and taking every breath for granted, because all I ever thought myself to be was ‘a thought,’ an idea/ image/ presentation toward others only  – where was I? Lost in translation, accumulating knowledge and information that could apparently make me ‘more’ and ‘more worthy’ than others. In this

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate knowledge and information as a means to always have ‘the answer’ and having stored it in means of always being able to ‘win over others’ which means that I trained myself to become nothing else but a lie-brary of useless knowledge and information in order to always ‘be right.’

     

    I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to become a knowledgeable elitist or intellectual, wherein I sought to satisfy my own personal enjoyment of talking to ‘like-minded people,’ which means that all I wanted was another pair of ears and mouth in order to regurgitate the same knowledge and information that I was fond of,  and call that ‘affinity’ and ‘same interests,’ when in fact the only interest was me asserting ‘who I am’ as my own mind, as my own set of knowledge and information that I then created an energetic experience toward whenever another is able to relate to it, which means that anything that two people may have experienced – apparently- about another was in fact only about self as the mind getting confirmation from another mind on similar self-created programming.

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop kinship toward specific people in my world according to how I had judged them as ‘knowledgeable,’ ‘intelligent’ and ‘well read,’ which were qualities that I actually thought about myself, but never accepted it as ‘who I am’ out of wanting to be ‘humble,’ and in that, simply seeking to be part of a group/ circle in society that is only looking at the intellectual aspect of reality, philosophizing and having endless conversations about how ‘know it all’ we were – and Not focusing on the actual reality, which is how I became absolutely oblivious to the world for quite some time, while seeking to CULTivate knowledge as CULTure in the name of personal power.

     

     

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only get along with those that had similar mind-cultivation and egos, which means that I sought and aimed to ‘get my spot’ in society along with ‘like-minded people,’ which is the foundation of separation and elitism through only becoming a part of the social-networks that we want to be a part of based on who we are as our mind, instead of regarding life as the physical practical living as the actual bond that can be in fact extended toward any other human being, by virtue of realizing that we all have the same body, the same systems inside in common which makes us all equally dependent from the Earth to live – within this, realizing that knowledge plays only a role of self-definition in means of separation as a way to continue competing and believing that ‘there is not enough for all, we must excel to be able to get it all’ – and in that, agreeing to only be the rats in the cage that always seek power, self-gratification and apparent ‘control’ over others through ‘knowing more/ better.’

     

    I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see how I have never in fact lived a relationship with another, nor myself as all that I had deemed myself to be was my personality, my ego as my beliefs, ideas, preferences and general ‘view’ upon life, which is knowledge and information that I absorbed through my parents, through school, teachers, classmates, TV, family members which are the places wherein I asserted ‘who I am’ only as a daughter, a student, a cousin, a niece, a friend and growing up with the same idea of myself according to such social roles, plus the ‘professional role’ which is what I decided to be/ become based on wanting to continue satisfying my own ‘exclusivity’ of ‘who I am’ as knowledge and information, which means that the choices I made in life were only based on self-interest according to what I wanted to be and become based on ‘who I am as my mind,’ and never ever actually considering ‘How can I prepare myself to become a being that supports the environment/ the world-system to become a best-for-all outcome where life can be unconditionally supported?

     

    I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge others for their ‘career choices’ in life wherein I never dared to question myself and my career choice/ choices in life due to me being simply hoping and dreaming that the world would end and I would not have to study/ become someone in the system – and/ or simply hoped that I could become someone ‘famous’ in the art world and suddenly be having enough money to live well without a regular job – yet neglecting taking all the practical steps for that, and as such only existing as a believer and hope-keeper that ‘good fortune’ could come my way out nowhere, which is the consequence of having always only thought about reality, but never actually living it.

     

    I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to judge that I always ‘was right’ and everyone else was simply ‘wrong,’ wherein I allowed myself to live a life of a ‘secret agent’ of my own Secret Mind, wherein I developed a constant paranoia of fearing that people would always only approach me out of convenience, and not genuinely approaching me because they appreciated/ wanted to spend time with me – without realizing that in a energy-seeking reality, all actions are directed through/ as energy – wherein only if we remain here in every breath through and while directing ourselves with others, can we say that we have in fact heard /interacted / communicated  – otherwise, it is simply another ego-inflation machine that is only viewing everyone as ‘enemies’ and potential ‘threats’ to ‘who I am’ as my own mind.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate and perpetuate a world system wherein people are divided according to the knowledge and information they possess, which is another form of control and instigating survivalist-fears according to ‘not being well educated = less chance of making’ it through’ which means that we have valued an education as knowledge and information above the right and ability to have a dignified life that all should be endowed with by virtue of birth – wherein those that never had access to knowledge and information that is remunerated as ‘education’ within this world are simply numbed out of the equation within this reality wherein ‘the more knowledge you accumulate = the wealthier you (can) become.’

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to spite my own life with pursuing a profession wherein an actual practical interest to make this world a better place for all was never part of my plans, as I always sought to do it ‘my way’ wherein I could have all the ‘right intentions’ to do so, but never considered entering the system and changing it from within, which proves how through knowledge I valued and thought that I could ‘make it’ without having to really work on it and become a part of the mechanism that can change the way things work/ function in this world.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to Not question why and how come we as humanity in a world system value knowledge and information above life, wherein out education is based on acquiring knowledge and information that prepares us only to perpetuate the same system of knowledge and information that gets remunerated as a way to sustain our own ‘ideal’ of reality through money, which is having “created” a reality based on thin-air, just like our current monetary system that is based on knowledge and information, but not on actual physical living that considers all life in equality.

     

    I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is through knowledge that I separated myself from the realization of who I am as one and equal to another, as knowledge is assessing others in separation of myself, while neglecting the very substance that we are all equally made of, that doesn’t require to be ‘defined’ and ‘assessed’ in separation of myself, but simply self-realized as who and what I am as oneness and equality of life.

     

    I commit myself to stop any form of disregard toward the very breath that I take in the name of becoming only knowledge and information that can be ‘valued’ by my own mind and ‘others’ minds as ‘who I am.’

     

    I commit myself to stop placing any form of worth and value toward another and myself based on the knowledge that I/ others possess, which is the very first step to get out of my mind and into the physical body that doesn’t require knowledge and information to function and nurture itself, it simply requires me to support myself at a physical level, using knowledge and information that is practical and supportive in the immediacy of its application.

     

    I commit myself to stop the war against my very own body, my very cells,the entire conglomeration of beings that I have disregarded at all times while focusing on improving my grey matter of brain that I deemed is ‘who I am’ and valuing myself only as knowledge and information which is in fact, that which will cease to exist – as knowledge can never be life.

     

    I commit myself to prove that no knowledge and information has made a difference in this world and that it has only created and perpetuated the ‘gap’ and difference between humans beings according to ‘who we are’ as a mind that is able to accumulate knowledge and information as an inversion that gets rewarded in this world system where money rules and the physical is only abused to keep perpetuating such fallacy.

     

    I commit myself to expose how knowledge and information is sectarianism in society as it exists now, because we have denied the ability for all to have equal quality education, which means that knowledge must be a practical means to support life in Equality and this must be the basis of a new educational system that can be beneficial for all beings equally.

     

    I commit myself to create a world-system that values LIFE only and uses only knowledge and information as a means to give and receive what’s best for all, which means that life won’t be at the service of knowledge any longer, but stand equal and one at the service of life, wherein no more hierarchies are created out of ‘knowing’ because there won’t be any special reward toward knowledge, but simply using it as a means to benefit humanity and improve the quality of living in all ways.

     

    I commit myself to expose about this reality being our own crafted mind control wherein we have valued knowledge and information above life and how it is imperative to stop supporting the same mechanisms of conflicting reality within our minds and instead, getting into practical living reality where physical living solutions must be integrated as part of any form of education that is truly aiming at creating a world system that works for all in equality.

     

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    A great interview that explains how we are in fact having this process on a golden platter and how crazy people manifested on this world – and  how it is vital for people to listen the Desteni message in this reality.

    Day 40: The You-Diss-All System in Me

    Who am I within communicating toward others? What are the immediate judgments that I create according to me reducing something/ someone to only being a picture presentation as a personality within my own mind?  What am I really allowing within myself when ‘making up my mind’ about something/ someone as to ‘who I must be’ toward them in relation to the idea that I create of others when viewing them/everything through the eyes of the mind only? What is this ‘preferential rate’ indicating about me?  This is walking through ‘who I am’ as the judge in my mind that manifests the current you-diss-all system as the judiciary that is able to contemplate whether a law applies or not according to a set of preferences/circumstances using the mind as the generator of all ‘proofs’ that are perfectly corruptible and malleable according to creating the necessary justifications/ excuses as knowledge and information that is able to suit one’s own interests in the name of power and vainglory.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an automated judge within communicating with others, wherein I stand as the ‘ultimate say’ of ‘Who I am’ toward others in a moment according to how ‘I make up my mind about them’ and in that, mimicking the same way that the judicial system interprets and applies the laws according to convenience, circumstance and context wherein the principle is corruptible to suit one’s own benefit and not really considering what’s best for all.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold a principle of/as Equality in place ‘in words’ just like we have our constitutions wherein equal justice under law’ is ‘ensured’/ guaranteed on paper, as a statement, but when it comes to actually applying and living that statement, the leeway and backdoor of ‘interpretation’ according to my own benefit/ my own interests can be used as an excuse as to why I am not applying myself equally with all beings in my reality, which implies that I am not living yet as principle within communicating, interacting and living among others as I am still existing as the ‘judge’ in the secret mind that is able to decide another being’s ‘place’ within my own mind, and deciding ‘who I am’ toward them according to that judgments, which is only me-assessing-others wherein there is absolutely no physical relationship to what I ‘think’ of another, but I am only using knowledge and information to ‘make up my mind’ about ‘them’ and accordingly, ‘apply my law’ with its ‘amends’ so that I can still suit my preferences and dislikes toward beings/ events/ situations and not standing absolutely as one and equal as myself/ others in the moment of communicating an interacting based on physical living reality.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘interpretation’ as a way to suit what is being said/ conveyed in order to suit ‘my needs’ and justify  them with further knowledge and information that I have accepted and allowed myself to become and identify myself as.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be my own secret-mind court wherein I ‘make up my mind’ about a being in a matter of minutes according to ‘who I believe them to be’ as a set of characteristics based on  images, words, picture presentation, beliefs, mannerisms, way of expressing, voice tonality, clothes, race, gender, age and in that, reduce another being to being simply just another category that I can store in my mind as the definition of ‘who that person is’ as a reminder of ‘who I am toward them’ based on my own preferences – when in fact, it was all created/ assessed and assigned a value to within my own mind – therefore

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having ever believed that I was always ‘right’ about the assessment I could make of others wherein I completely supported and kept them ‘locked-in’ the same set of personality that they have believed themselves to be, and in that I become an accomplice  of another’s limitation of only being ‘a character’/ a personality/ a set of values, preferences, culture, gender, race, age, beliefs, ideology wherein I then become the judge in the secret mind that either praises and accepts or disses and rejects – within this  I become equal and one with the polarity-basis of a binary system that works according to positive and negative values, while dissing/ neglecting life of equality and oneness and relegate it to a non-existent and non-considered aspect within laws and regulations, wherein a principle is absolutely overlooked and deliberately ‘missed’  in the name of acceptance and rejection of another within my own mind as a positive-experience/  negative experience that I generate toward another in my mind – or as a neutral experience wherein I perceive that ‘I’m fine’ around those beings but in fact, it is still generating an experience toward them wherein a point of reference as to ‘who I am’ toward them is created in my mind as ‘being neutral with them’ and not simply being here as the impartiality of my application toward all beings in equality.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a judge that either rules for yes/ no as the acceptance/ rejection of beings according to ‘how’ I want to apply a principle that stipulates Equality – which in itself implies the acceptance and allowance of corruption/ breaking our rules in the name of suiting our personal interests – yet the moment that I manipulate such principle to suit ‘my-needs’ as my preferences as the mind that seeks validation, recognition and getting compliments, I then ‘accept’ and vote in favor of that which is for my own benefit – whereas when I manipulate such principle to suit my preferences of ‘disliking’ another, I corrupt myself as principle to give more value/ worth to a set of preferences instead of the living physical principle, that is at all times revealing that equality as physical beings is here and that any point of preference and ‘inclination’ toward another is based on the mind that I have become as the judge that seeks at all times, to vote in favor of that which is best for me, as my mind, as my personality, as my set of preferences and that which I will get some personal benefit from.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge the judicial system which seems tautological now that I write about it, due to how I have accepted and allowed myself to become the very judge that is able to rule in favor of that which sustains, maintains and perpetuates the ‘positive idea/ personality’ that I have of myself – and denies, neglects, hides and tries to run away from everything that I have deemed as the ‘negative and opposite’ that won’t support my very design, which is how my mind resists facing that which I judge/ deem as a ‘dislike,’ as the mind is constantly only seeking validation, perpetuation of the same values as the confirmation of the patterns that create an ideal of worth as personality, and according to this, having become a predictable personality that seeks similar personalities wherein I as the judge in my mind can decide what is ‘worthy’ and what is not, as I have become the very corruption of life in the name of personal preferences and suiting everything/ everyone according to my own mind’s preferential rate.

     

    I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to judge the judicial system as hypocrite, without realizing that I have been a hypocrite myself when it comes to proclaiming standing by a principle and still holding preferences as likes, dislikes, judgments and creating either affability as positive experience toward those that ‘suit my personality’ as preferences/ likes  and creating hostility and laconicism toward those that I seem to dislike – which are only values that I have create in my mind according to the knowledge and information that I have created and accepted as ‘who I am,’ wherein I have become my very own jail as the constrain toward the actual life that I am as a physical body that doesn’t hold preference toward anything or anyone.

     

    I realize that within me having become my very own judge toward anything and anyone, I have never in fact established actual communication toward others, as I have always just been a mind that judges/ assesses my ‘interaction’ with others based on what is worthy/ what is not, what is positive/ what is negative – what is good/ what is bad – all based in polarity games of winning and losing as the ability to ‘make myself feel better’ about myself through my own judgments and avoiding everything/ everyone that would seem like a threat to my personal vainglory and ego fortification, as the building blocks of the illusion that I have become as my own pedestal that can corrupt a principle to do things ‘my way’ and suit my needs – in this

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have self-righteousness override my ability to see in clarity how it is that I am becoming the very judgmental and discriminatory ruler as my own mind that is able to define ‘who’s worthy/ who’s not’  – who do I like/ who do I dislike based on personal preferences, which is nothing else than knowledge and information that I have subdued my entire expression to become, wherein I have built my own walls toward people that I deemed that I could not ‘communicate effectively with,’ which was only me as my mind not wanting to establish a point of communication with the idea that I had already created about another in my mind, wherein I give up any opportunity to get to know them better just because of deeming that ‘I’ve made up my mind about them’ and in that, becoming the very judge and perpetrator of the ongoing separation in this world that has led us to the current reality we’re all living in, wherein we seclude ourselves in social groupings where personality-enhancement is all that takes place and no actual equal and one interaction occurs, as all that is fed through relationships as friendships/ comradeship is having similar minds that feed each other’s ego in the name of survival as the very spite toward life, due to such ‘positive’ experience only being able to emerge if self-definitions as ‘who I am’ as my personality/energy exists – and energy is Not Life and is actually the abuse of life in the name of personal satisfaction.

     

    I forgive myself that I have ever accepted and allowed myself to judge the judges that have ‘the ultimate say’ within any case wherein laws are revised for an apparent ‘proper application,’ without realizing that I have become the very judge that also revises my participation toward each individual not based on the equality as life principle, but based on the preferences that ‘I’ as a mind still holds and creates toward people, justifying it with all means possible to still make it acceptable as to why I care/ prefer/ incline myself toward some beings more than others.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that I could actually make up ‘who another is’ in my mind in a very short period of time, which was really only me becoming the instant judge that is able to assess another according to personality as the image, the presentation, the preferences and words that a being presents themselves as, which is the lie that we all either buy or not – and in that, remaining only as a viewer/ observer of another/ others according to ‘who they are’ within/ through the eye of the mind, wherein I continue diminishing another being’s expression to being only as a preprogrammed and limited version of ‘who they are,’ which is in fact only a façade as an energetic version of themselves as an ego that is in no way the being that is in fact ‘inside,’ which exists in equality and oneness as the physical hereness – yet we have separated ourselves from each other to such an extent that we have become used to interacting with each other as pictures, ideas, beliefs, judgments and perceptions of each other wherein Life is Not considered at all, wherein Life is relegated to a ‘taken-for-granted’ background that we believe is ‘separate’ from ourselves as some elusive concept, instead of sticking to the physicality that I am able to touch and see for myself exists here as an equal conglomerate of elements that constitute the cells, the tissue, the bones and all the systems inside that make our living-moment possible as each breath that we have taken for granted, that we have abused in every moment that we seek only our personal benefit as the continuation of ‘who I am’ as a personality that seeks to only ‘get along’ with those that I like/ have an inclination toward, as they ‘who they are’ within my mind represent the continuation of ‘who I am as my own mind’ – whereas all those that stand as the potential fracturing and end of who I am as my mind, I deem to dislike, oppose and evade according to what they in fact represent as a potential breakthrough my own personality/ preferences, to actually stand within an equal and one stance toward all beings, wherein no positive, no negative and no neutral experience is required in order to communicate in physicality with others.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ruled by beliefs, preferences and face-value judgments, which is no different to our current monetary system wherein we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be ruled and bound to an arbitrary value scheme, wherein Life is not even considered as an aspect of appraisal, but only considering the preferential rate that I apply as the way to ‘make the most of/ earn the most money’ from something/ someone that I diminish from life to being a single product, a single definition as mind-value that we have created and imposed onto Life in the name of personal power and vindication our own preferences and discrimination/ exclusivity of who we are toward others as energy-personalities, and not as the physical reality that is here, constant as the matter that is fueled by each breath that we take.

     

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to corrupt the principle of Life in equality the moment that I create a single positive experience toward another based on my preferences as ‘who I am’ and what I deemed myself to be and have an inclination/ preference toward, as this indicates that I am not yet trust worthy as a living consistency of being able to be an actual impartial being within this reality that won’t be ‘wavered’ by a single point of preference as an inclination or rejection toward another being based on ‘who I was in the past’ as a set of preferences, characteristics that I would deem as ‘more than’ or ‘less than’ others, according to the frames of values that I have created within myself, as my personal jurisdiction toward everything and everyone in my reality, which allowed me to become the very self-righteous manipulator and dictator that is able to bend, mend, break and mold a principle according to personal preferences, which in essence constitutes the corruption of life in the name of personal gratification.

    This will continue…

     

    I commit myself to stop being the judge in my mind in every moment that I communicate with others in my reality and dare to stand in the equality and oneness of the moment wherein I make sure that my mind stands here as equal as the breath that I am taking in and out, wherein I recognize that the ground that holds me is equally holding another as myself, wherein I make sure that I stop any point of  judgment that comes up from the mind that I have programmed to automatically do so during that interaction/ conversation/ coexistence in any given moment. I take it back to self to use it as a point to reflect myself back to myself and see ‘who I am’ being in that moment toward another, which is Not really about ‘them,’ but about that which I am accepting and allowing myself to limit others as, within a single idea, belief, perception and interpretation of another as only knowledge and information as part of the database that I then take as ‘who they are’ and in that, missing out the entire relationship as the real-actions in relation to the physical that exists here in every moment that we equally breathe-in. 

     

    I commit myself to live the realization that the moment that I diminish another to a single judgment, I am in fact not doing that ‘toward another’ but is only me diminishing me to a single idea, belief and perception that limits ‘who I am’ in its totality to a single experience that I project onto others – which is not life, but only knowledge and information that creates separation from who/what we really are in any given moment as physicality.

     

    I commit myself to expose who I have become as my own judge in my judiciary system that molds and shapes its preferences as voting in favor/ against of something/ someone according to what I like and dislike as preferences that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself and others to, existing only as knowledge and information, and not as and of life in equality and oneness.

     

    I commit myself to reveal to what extent we have externalized our very own secret mind as our judicial system of laws that we are all currently being governed by, and in this explaining how we have externalized constant judgment as an actual ruling system that neglects  life and ponders self-interest as that which is ‘ruled in favor of’ while masking it with the word ‘justice’/ just’ – wherein what is best for all is not actually being considered, but only considering how to perpetuate the same value-system that is currently keeping the world-system of money in place as our very own trap of knowledge and information wherein life is being ‘sucked dry’ and not honored, respected as who we really are as living beings.

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    ‘The Outcast’: self-imposed tag

    I  have found and realize that I used to judge and dislike people that would place tags upon others – I didn’t realize that I was in fact doing exactly the same, no only within my secret mind toward others in an automated way, but toward myself as a ‘choice’ within the suit that I wore as a personality.

    I read very interesting realizations on Bella’s blog Relationships as Limitation Bubbles & Fear as Self-Abuse which ties in with a point that I have also lived throughout my life and it was only last night that I realized how we have projected onto others our own acceptance, perceiving ourselves to be rejected or even fearing being rejected which can only exist if self-acceptance is not in place.

    I remember my mother talking to me when I went through a ‘difficult time’ of facing being bullied in school and becoming very sad and worried about it, and she would say ‘don’t care about what others say, whatever they think and say to you is only about themselves,’ and this supported me for a while and made me ‘stronger’ in a way – however only as temporary fix because the origin of the point was not sorted out, which was self-acceptance. I was only 7 or 8 years old then, so this wasn’t even within my ‘frame of reference’ at the time.

     

    When going into junior school/ secondary school, I began struggling with going into a bigger school and seeing how people had these different ‘groups’ that would not talk to each other. I came from a school wherein the last year of elementary school we were less than 10 in the class, and we would all talk to each other and hang out together. Thus going from this small group into a group of almost 40 -in a generation of 6 groups – certainly broadened my perspective of how people would behave in terms of ‘friends’ and having their particular ‘gangs’ so to speak. I would talk to most of the people in my class, however I still would avoid not talking to some that I had judged for whatever idea of myself I had as ‘not being compatible’ with them, mostly based on preferences/ personality and level of ‘intellect’ which was another point that I would use as a means of separation.

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from people based on how I could ‘get along with them’ or not in relation to ‘intellect’ and being able to relate to others within the starting point of identifying myself as a certain personality

    I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discriminate others based on the idea of ‘intellect’ and comparing myself to others and within that, deciding ‘who I would talk to’ in relation to how I would classify people in terms of them being ‘intelligent’ or not.

    I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an intellectual elitist wherein I would avoid talking/ getting along with beings that I deemed as slower/ dumb without realizing that in that I had become my own personal-limit to get along with others in means of conviviality.

     

    What I realized last night is how I had gone through a process of being ‘left out’ of a group of friends and went through the fear of having to spend recess time alone – which is something that petrified me at that time –  and how I eventually did the same ‘segregation process’ toward others. It’s fascinating to see how in my mind I was ‘the victim of those that didn’t accept me’ but in fact, I had done the exact same thing not only in school, but with people in my family and virtually with any person walking down the street that I would immediately profile and decide if I could ‘talk to that person’ or not, all based on my own preferences/ likes and ideas of myself. I had disregarded the fact that I was also doing the same that had been done onto me, yet I justified it with my self-belief of ‘not everyone being able to get along’ and having the ability to choose who to talk to or not.

     

    We become our own dictators within our self-regime of who we like, who we judge, why we judge and vindicate all of that because of being a particular ‘personality,’ which in my case was also a perceived ‘odd one’ that found her place within such category, and eventually accepted by others within that same tag. And this was not only with ‘classmates’ -even though school was the main ‘realm’ I lived through within my life – but also toward family members or any other being that I would then decide I would like or dislike. I would be very judgmental and laconic, almost ‘rude’ when expressing with people that I had decided I would Not want to talk to for the reasons mentioned previously, and I can remember this experience as a ‘knowing’ that they simply wanted to communicate and talk – yet in my dictatorship they would not ‘fit in’ within the type of people I wanted to hang out with – so I would avoid replying or following a conversation with them. However, I wore the suit of ‘being the solitary one’ as a defense and excuse to actually be able to decide who do I talk to and who I don’t in terms of ‘closer relationships.’

     

    It was interesting because I could talk to people, but when it came to having ‘close friendships’ I had none, not until high school with one person in my entire generation.I became judgmental and/ or ‘picky’ and created this idea of myself as ‘knowing better’ than them, eventually only ostracizing me to the point of spending my time alone, just having a ‘bad time’ every time that I was not in class until I eventually got used to it for the lack of a better experience.

     

    The point with all of this is realizing how within my mind I was ‘rejected’ but in fact, I was the only one that had created such self-imposed rejection and separation through my own value schemes. I became very aware that the moment that I found ‘someone’ that I could ‘relate to’ based on how we profile relationships and types of people, I was extremely open and enthusiastic about talking and sharing, it was almost an immediate ‘friendship’ that I’m now aware was one of those necessary preprogrammed points in order for me to get into various experiences later on in my life.  However the point of recognition between both of us came through this self-ejected stance wherein we would believe ourselves to be ‘outcasts,’ yet we were the only ones that had ejected ourselves, simply because of being existing in an almost elitist way toward the rest of the people. And I’m sure that this  is how it works. Even the ‘outcasts’ had their group and would look at you weird if you dared to talk to them – lol I remember this and realized how weird it was that people that perceived themselves to be ‘rejected’ would actually reject another from approaching them. But I did the same so –  it has been the way we have ‘accepted’ social-relationships to function, which is quite fucked up to say the least.

     

    So, high school to me was the time wherein I went from being quite an uncomfortable loner to a ‘loner’ that had been able to integrate and share and speak with everyone in my class. I would not ‘hang out with them,’ but I deliberately would talk to everyone. I realized that I had antagonized myself toward the ‘beautiful people’ and I actually learned quite a cool ‘lesson’ once that I opened up and communicated with them. It was funny because they had accepted me as this ‘rebel’ and I had accepted them as the ‘pretty people.’ One of those girls once told me something along the lines of ‘just because you perceive ourselves to care about how we look and are shallow doesn’t mean that we are stupid.’ I realized in that moment how I had in fact placed myself as ‘above them’ all the time and that they had just voiced out the backchat that I had held as ‘tag’ on them  and they knew, and they accepted that as a fact, and we would still talk in the classroom.

     

    I have to bring up the point that this is a Jesuit school and there’s people with loads of money the same as people that do not have that much money and I was just in between.  Money would be a factor that decided ‘who’s who’ within school – however the education was based in us recognizing our ability to work together, communicate and not discriminate one another. That was a very cool aspect about it because it did support us to leave our ‘differences’ aside when it came to getting along, this made our conviviality a lot easier, even if being around 37 people in class.

     

    I had a specific relationship that went from absolute hate to a very cool acceptance or even ‘school friendship’ with someone that dared to challenge my ‘self righteousness.’ He was part of the ‘rich people’ that I had judged as too ‘cocky’ and believing himself to be ‘more’ than the rest, which was the point that absolutely vexed me – never realized I was doing the exact same thing of course.

    I’m actually grateful about the policies in that school. Somehow because I was a ‘good student’ and I had a history of being ‘isolated,’ our counselor called me to her office one day when we were about to finish the first year in high school and asked me ‘who do you want to be with in your next year’s class and who do you Don’t want to be with? So I only gave the name of one or two girls that I could work well and get along with in terms of school work – when I had to choose the person I did  Not want to be with, I chose this guy, stating that I could not stand his guts. From that moment on, I remained with those girls for all three years of high school, but also with the same guy, which was quite a cool move from our counselor even though I had expected to not see him again for the remainder of my stance in that school. This allowed me to face my fear of having to ‘deal with him’ in my class.

     

    What happened is that because were deliberately placed in the same class, we worked out our differences through actually communicating. We stopped sitting in opposite sides of the class and eventually would sit close so that we could talk and debate about stuff from life, school, politics. Eventually I learned a lot from him, I realized that we were able to work together in school works and place our preferences aside when it came to working in teams. At the end of high school in our final ‘spiritual retirement,’ we both forgave our initial hatred toward each other and recognized our mutual appreciation and learning-process within walking through the ‘hatred’ point toward each other in front of the entire generation. I realized how much I had judged him and how much he had judged me essentially because of having stepped onto each others’ toes all the time, just because of how we perceived each other to be as ‘different personalities’ or types of people or ‘too opinionated’ lol. That was a cool moment because to me, he had represented ‘hell’ and someone I could not ‘stand’ at all, and in the end he became probably a ‘good friend.’

     

    We supported each other in one way or another to get a notch down from our ego and self-righteousness, we both walked through the resistance, cease the fear and judgment and eventually end up appreciating each other. Sounds like a cool story – and I’m quite sure that if this was able to be worked out with everyone in this world, things would really change. I guess that was a very specific case wherein I allowed myself to get to know a being, in spite of how we were ‘opposite personalities’ and our world/ reality/ lives were apparently ‘too different’ – however when placing that aside, we realized that communication does not have to be based on relating to each other’s preferences and ‘lifestyles,’ but actually talking about stuff that relates to all. He’s a lawyer at the moment and he is from a family of politicians. I would tease him saying that when he would be the president, he should give me a project to paint somewhere or do some artwork for a governmental building, lol.

     

    Alright, wrote a lot on that,  but that’s part of my realizations of how I lived this ‘isolation’ simply because I had chosen it, I had imposed it onto myself because I eventually realized it was all my own creation and deliberate decision to ‘not fit in’ because I had created myself as ‘not wanting to fit in’ – it really wasn’t like something that was suddenly imposed onto me = I created it, and it was mostly from this idea of being superior/ knowing better/ being better by myself.  At the end of school, when my only friend wasn’t there any longer, I would just stay in a place wherein I could watch the sunset and read a book. I wasn’t feeling ‘rejected’ any longer, it had become a ‘decision’ still based on personality, however I wasn’t uncomfortable about it in that moment, because I would be talking more to people while being in class.

     

    Things changed when hanging out with people outside of school. Suddenly I was not being ‘accepted’ because of being able to talk and relate to others in school terms, but this was about personal relationships that one develop as friendships based entirely on personality – no practical ‘teamwork’ here. And that’s where the oddity began for real, because even though I was able to ‘choose’ who to hang out with, I went through a face of fearing losing such relationships –  until I faced my ‘biggest fear’ which was losing these people, being ‘once again alone.’ And, for the most part, I’ve been ‘alone’ for the past 5 years –except one year when I went to the farm – wherein my life was simply going to school, having the regular interactions with people in class and that’s it. I never went to a single ‘party’ in college and that might be as odd as can be, but I wasn’t simply interested in that.  A ‘fear’ of ‘having missed the entire art school experience’ comes only now that I’m done with it, fearing that I didn’t use the opportunity to the maximum to actually develop skills there, but only ‘went through it’ mostly because of placing all my focus and attention to the process we’re walking here – however this is only a mind fear, as in ‘being missing out the party/ missing out on life’ which is something that took me quite a while to grasp, simply because of that same idea of ‘living through experiences.’

     

    When stopping friendships and relationships, I realized that I had to now face myself after having feared losing everyone – even if ‘they’ meant 3 people or 4 to the max – and stand alone.

     

    For the past almost 2 years I have been alone and I see it as a necessary time to get comfortable in that aloneness, simply because of how much I had feared it yet desired it at the same time. It’s an odd game that we play wherein in fact we all seek to be able to get along with each other and we can only ‘fear’ it because of other fears, judgments, even being used to ‘being alone’ as well, which I can recognize wherein at times I simply wanted to be alone again when being with lots of people. Entering a relationship in fear of losing it is already something that I can recognize going through as well.

    So within all of these fears and eventually facing them in real-life, I was able to recognize the energetic addictions that we develop toward either being alone/ not being alone as a point of self-definition, an experience that we feed as ourselves which keeps us bound to one pole or the other, instead of standing within this point of self-acceptance as an individual = alone – yet the point is to stop the experience of ‘loneliness’ which has been quite a process for me. And I had only lead me to a single spot: getting to a point of self-acceptance, self-enjoyment that I had realized I could experience after having been so addicted to/ attached to living my ‘life’ through and with others and being constantly seeking our ‘next greatest excitement’ through various ways.

     

    I stopped avoiding being alone and embraced that point as an ability to appreciate myself, which I hadn’t done before, even when ‘being accepted by others’ I would take that as an ‘add on’ to my self-appreciation, never ‘gave it to myself/ accepted it as myself’ so to speak. And now, I am starting to realize that it is only within this starting point of self-agreement as self-appreciation, self-acceptance standing alone that I see how these dependencies to either being accepted/ rejected, being ‘in’ or ‘out’ of a particular social context was only existent within me as a self-imposed limitation based on my personality/ ego as preferences, judgments and essentially the ‘elitist’ eye that I would view everyone with, wherein I would deliberately decide who do I mingle with and who do I just ‘talk to in means of not generating enemies’ which was another story.  I went through making sure that I would talk to everyone in order to not generate any antagonism as the one that I had experienced with the guy that I wrote about earlier on. This is how I see politicians functioning at the moment with people, they tend to want to not generate any conflict/ antagonism/ rejection with the people, so they present themselves in a particular way expecting to always be liked, never opposed, even though the opposition becomes an inevitable thing within this world.

     

    So – fear of being alone and my various judgments toward people became quite a cool thing to walk through within my life, probably not even realizing much about it because we tend to only keep certain details about our experience of the past in our mind, which makes us either love it or hate it and remove all the actual interactions that might have led to a tiny bit of a change and realization through interacting with people. The point is that if I had not allowed me to, for example, get along with that person that I had judged extensively or even ‘detested’ at some point, I would not have allowed that point of expansion within myself. I remember people asking me ‘how was I able to ‘stand him’?’ because in their mind schemes we were like oil and water and could not fathom us getting along – so that’s an indication how even at the eyes of others based on these same ‘schemes,’ we tend to segregate each other and categorize wherein anything that simply could not ‘get along with each other’ is seen as an aberration within their ideas of ‘how the world should be.’  It was actually quite cool to be vulnerable with each other and get to know that in spite of his perceived ‘fame and fortune,’ he had a really tough time within feeling rejected and hated by most of the people – which was a similar pattern another similar guy once shared with me -which revealed another aspect of how I had been part of those people that despised him simply because of perceiving him as conceited and ‘too cocky’ to give a fuck about anything. But in fact, he dealt with a lot of internal conflict because of how everyone would judge him, without allowing themselves/ ourselves to actually get to know him. So, it was cool getting to see the other side of the coin and break-through those limitations.

     

    I share this because to me this was an experience that changed my approach toward beings, allowed me to not discriminate just because of how people would look like or how I would profile them. When getting to college and having various different types of classmates, I was able to get along with most and realized that it could only be a judgment that kept me from speaking with others. And from there and later on in art school, I mostly remained ‘alone’ as in not always being with someone in particular – yet was able to share, talk and enjoy other’s presence. That was definitely also because of already been walking this process and facing all possible judgments on my face.

     

    From this perspective I would see myself ‘out of the circuit’ of how people would get along with some and dislike others/ judge others and segregate themselves – it was like me being just ‘there’ and not really playing the game of taking a particular side or antagonize another in particular – as it seemed it sometimes ‘worked’ there. It was actually odd for me to get along with someone and having some other person saying hi to me, yet not saying hi to the other person I was with simply because they had a ‘story’ behind. I simply did not follow through such separation, I would then explain how I would not stop talking to someone based on what others might think about them. It’s fascinating how within a single classroom you get all of these different ‘groupings’ that oppose each other – no wonder how when looking at the world, we have wars manifested out of that single separation that – once again – begins with a point of identification that separates us from the rest, from realizing we are in fact one and equal and have to now establish a conviviality based on Equality.

     

    This is how to wrap this up, I agree with Bella and everyone at Desteni on how we have realized that Equality is the solution to all separation in this world, this is the only way that we can in fact sort our differences out not by ‘tolerating them’ or ‘getting along with it’ – but actually self-forgiving them within the realization that they have been specific mechanisms to divide us and in such division, be easily polarized and controlled. Equality means then the actual realization of our full potential if we dare to work as equals. For that, Desteni as a group is already proof of that, wherein a single Life Principle can become the driving force that keeps the cohesive stance of each other as equals.

    It is only Equality that can prevail in this world.

     

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    2012 Self-Religion: The Tower of the Fool

    The world Religion implies re-union re-ligare which in a common-sensical definition, it would mean the unification of man as one and equal; but as anything in this world, we have adjusted it to create our own set of rules and values that we established as ‘the ground we stand upon individually’ even if it’s absolutely uneven, swampy or completely unsustainable. But because we ‘stand on it,’ we believe that ‘it is acceptable’ and ‘sustainable’ eventually thinking that because of all the time, effort and money that we spent on creating such  base for us to stand upon, it is ‘our worth,’ sometimes we value more the idea of ourselves than actually taking into consideration what we are in fact as physical living beings. We sometimes end up defending and guarding it with our very own lives, often losing perspective and creating this entire ‘entity’ in separation of ourselves as equal living beings in this world.

    This Self-Created Religion as all the beliefs, judgments, ideas, preferences, values is then created as a set of ‘laws’  that we have become and deeply incrusted them into and as our being, believing that it would be impossible to ever change them, because we’ve created ‘who we are’ in relation to that set of knowledge and information as our ego.

    I have an example of this, it is my father – ‘genio y figura hasta la sepultura’ is a saying in spanish, an idiom for explaining how one will remain being one’s ego / mind-set/ self-religion until death. One can even take proud on such points, believing that it is actually something honorable to stick to one’s beliefs and thoughts and remain ‘unchangeable’ throughout one’s life – but not within a common sensical perspective of being stable and remaining what we call ‘grounded,’ but actually being extremely rigid about one’s ‘way of being.’  That’s how I could define a Self-Religion. I gave this example to place now myself into perspective, taking such points as myself and when I see this, I see: I’ve been quite a stubborn person in ‘changing my ways.’ I have played the exact same role of not being ‘flexible’ at all times, which means, I’ve lived by that which I ‘believe is so’ and anyone that could dare to challenge it, I would mostly attack and deny or even ‘prove wrong’ within a haughty position.

    Man, was I stubborn, even my family members reminded me about that this last December when sharing about our childhood and how we used to be. I accepted the fact that I had been quite a picky and stubborn mostly spoiled child  – you guys reading this blog and following my process would not have believed how I was and how I behaved as a child. Though, that’s been mostly exposed for myself to see how I accepted and allowed myself to be playing this role as a ‘drama queen’ just so that I wouldn’t have to take Self Responsibility, which has been part of me stopping all forms of victimization and a general stance of self-righteousness often accompanied with rigid statements and ‘self-laws’ based on my personality/ ego/ persona.

    I’ve been quite self conscious throughout my life, I would deliberately create certain ‘systems’ of beliefs/ preferences/ words/ mannerisms and everything else that encompassed ‘my world’  in a very specific way to build myself as a personality. Each point that I would ‘integrate’ as myself , I would  ‘make it my own’ and stick to it as if my very life depended on it.

    This became part of how I would guard my belongings with my life, being extremely obsessed about having everything under control, being extremely strict about things that I would allow within myself and others that I simply would never engage myself with – essentially being rather stiff about everything. As a child I was extremely serious and disciplined and would suit myself according to the environment I was in at the moment. If I was at school, I would be very serious and behave like a little tin soldier. If I was at home, I would be rather spoiled and wanting to be just having the TV all for myself, all the time  = rather possessive and picking up frictions around with my sisters whenever anyone would dare to ‘invade my space.’  If I was wanting to dance or be all goofy, I would ‘take the stage’ and be that in an absolute manner. My mother has dubbed me as ‘extremist’ in terms of how I take on something and live it/ apply it full-on – lol, I guess that’s cool in terms of how I take on this process now, problem was and still is when I would take non-supportive things ‘full-on’ in a rather obsessive manner. I guess that’s how I got to know my ‘limits’ as well, hence not a ‘mistake’ but a road that I simply saw would lead me nowhere.

    All of these aspects I can see I used to shape/ form my belief system as the ‘Marlen Religion’ that I fully became. Lol, I remember there was a moment at the farm, I was rather sick or going through some of those tortuous moments of facing myself within a specific point, I felt like shit and I knew that I looked as if I was dying, and Bernard came into the kitchen and said: ‘The death of Marlena! lolol’ which is supposed to be that process of having to let go of the entire ego/ personality and actually beginning to live. All I could do is realize that anything that I could perceive is ‘haunting me’ or feeling like this huge block on top of my head, causing me to be hunching more than  usual and having a rather droopy facial expression as a sign of ‘I’m not “feeling well,” was part of the self-created process wherein I got to see what I was actually torturing myself with. It was my own mind, of course.

    See, the physical was simply here and just allowing me to see that I had to let go of such  fears and judgments that I was tormenting myself with at the time = that’s my religion. All preferences, all ideas of what and who I have to be, it’s like taking on custom-made suit that we used to wear to become this specific personality that we then believe we can’t just ‘take off,’ because we fear being naked and exposed or something like that. Well, this is obviously metaphorically speaking, but I knew that I had to walk out of that limitation and opening up to new ways of living and ‘handling myself’ in the world, which are here for me to be and become, to stand one and equal to in common sense.

    The Religion of Marlen became quite obvious the more I got to know myself and started seeing how everything that I regarded as ‘who I am’ and ‘what I am’ are nothing but self-created ideas, beliefs, judgments and preferences that I have taken on and sown as the quilt that I’ve become, in terms of personality and overall self-presentation and embodiment as ‘who I am.’

    What I explained in the past as going through an ‘emotional breakdown’ at the beginning of this process – and even a while before that – I linked to the Tarot card  ‘the Fool. The man in that Tarot card that I have has his hands on his face, all naked and had real messy hair, just like I had it back then yet all grey and of a rather old age. I would see that card as that moment when I realized that nothing of what I had believed myself to be was actually real, meaning this entire personality as the ‘tower’ that I had built of my personality to achieve some form of ‘success’ and that I had actually invested quite a bit upon in time, money and ‘effort’ had to be destroyed by myself. I name ‘the Tower’ because that was another card that I would see rather often at that time, and I asked myself what it would mean in terms of ‘losing my religion’ – yes, just like that R.E.M song lol – and how I later on realized that tower had to be demolished because I was never going to reach ‘god’ with it, I was mostly only inflating my ego, which had to be burst if I wanted to actually get Real and Live.

    The ‘emotional breakdown’ that I experienced was mostly having to let go of my beliefs, my ideas, my over-detailed creation as the personality wherein every single thing that I would wear, say, do, have around me would have a meaning/ purpose/ a part of me/ a memory that I had decided to keep as myself. It was quite baffling when realizing I had to let go of all the value, time, effort, money placed in the creation of ‘myself.’ I remember I lied beneath the dining room’s table upon a rug, with my back on the floor and began painting on the back-side of the table’s wood like a ‘cosmic ascension scenario,’  quite a grounding experience, yet it was part of the tantrum I threw wherein I was almost ready to get rid of everything I had done and bought, lol I was quite a drama queen I’d say. But it also revealed to myself how much value/ worth I had placed on everything around me, to the extent of missing myself completely within that equation. I was also able to see how I was rather judgmental toward ‘materialist people’ regarding their wealth and properties as ‘their god’ while in fact, I was doing exactly the same thing.

    After I started realizing that it wasn’t necessary for me to stop painting or stop absolutely living as I did, but only changing the starting point of everything I did, I saw how I could simply start looking at how I had created/ defined myself according to how I would carry myself through the world, what I would wear, how I would speak, what was the mindset I would have when interacting with specific people, what I had regarded of value/ worth, what I had defined as ugly/ disgusting/ nasty, what I had defined as dumb/ stupid/  and all the opposites to this, which is how I started debunking my own vocabulary in terms of having spoken about good vibes, positive energies, god/ creation, superstitions, good-will and everything else I mean, I’ll quote Lao Tzu

    “when all the world knows goodness to be good, there is already evil”

    That point debunked my then perception of the world in a subtle manner that I could only grasp much later on.

    My self-religion was created in an attempt to become someone that could have an impact on this world within standing in what I deemed was ‘the good path,’ trying to leave a ‘good impression’ in people for the sake of being liked, being supported, being placed as someone ‘extraordinary.’ That’s probably why I wanted to become an ‘artist’ as this was the platform that I saw could support my inherent desires, yet at the same time, being able to create enough impact on people, while getting the regular dose of appraisal and glorification to keep the ego up to date.

    We live in a world wherein individuals are meant to ‘shape their personality’ as part of the matrix-initiation of ‘life’ and ‘living,’ which is nothing else but establishing our own rules, paradigms, views/ perspectives on what we like, what we dislike, what we stand for, what we oppose, what we believe is so, what type of things we do, what we don’t like doing and all of this is endorsed by and within the system so that we stand as part of a certain population that will have similar treats and quirks on ‘how we live life,’ which makes of this world a quilt of types of people, each one being targeted by specific marketing mechanisms and everything essentially being linked to buying and selling life, ensuring the system is ‘kept alive’ by this competition of egos and imposition of beliefs as ‘the way’ to live and interact in this world.  Eventually I became part of this specific type of personality within which I was able to establish relationships, ensuring that I would only stick to communicating with people that I saw as similar as myself, and deliberately neglecting and separating myself from the rest, as if they didn’t even exist.

    Part of being walking with Desteni as a group is facing all these various prejudices toward myself within a particular frame of mind (lol, wrote ‘friend of mind’) that I had deemed as immovable, unwavering, unchanging as al the aspects of myself that would not allow me to unconditionally stand with particular ‘types of people’ only because of how they looked, what they seemed like, what they enjoyed, how they expressed themselves, etc. This has been actually an ongoing process of unconditionally being able to stand equal to a person and deliberately walk through situations and events without falling for the usual automated prejudices wherein I would immediately categorize and place in my ‘charts of values’ all people around me. I actually even thought that I was the only one having the ability to do this ‘right away,’ only to realize through participating in this process that we all did exactly the same thing! No specialness anywhere, we were truly all just living out the same shit.

    It’s funny now to expose it, but at the moment it was almost ‘painful’ having to let go of my definitions and specifically, letting go of cherishing everything that I had almost classified and kept for the sake of maintaining this constant memoirs and reminders of ‘who I am’ and ‘why I am what I am,’ lol. When walking this process one perceives such points as an internal “Nooooo!” but it is only the mind screaming back at itself when seeing that a source of energy as the kicks we get from anything we define ourselves as, is no longer supported, no longer ‘fed’ so to speak within revisiting all of those points as sources of memory/ reminders of who I am, why I do what I do and what ‘drives’ my life, which was all in separation of myself.

    At that time, I saw that having to let go of using 8 rings in my hands, letting go of using my beloved black eyeliner and nail polish, letting go of my hair at some point, letting go of my general treats like smoking or drinking and getting high, letting go of friends, letting go of my beliefs in a supernatural reality, letting go of the idea of myself that I had fed until that moment as being a ‘special person’ was actually ‘losing myself,’ when it was in fact the other way around. It was almost physically painful getting rid of all the quirks and presentation of myself. I did become like a robot for some time, yet it was part of this process of initially giving ‘death’ to who I was.

    The more we limit ourselves, the more we cage ourselves in a particular mindset. The more we become introverted – and dare I say selfish in terms of not being able to look at other people’s worlds/ realities – the more we deny ourselves the ability to get to know someone from the starting point of realizing how everything that we’ve imposed as categories/ types of people toward one another, have only been part of the systems that have ensured that we remain secluded in a particular ‘group of people’ with similar views, with similar tastes, even similar socioeconomical status only apparently ‘evolving’ within that small view/perception and realm within this world.

    “Earth is like a giant painting where we have neglected most parts and just focus on tiny portions of the painting and make only those spots look pretty – everything else gets ignored” –Andrew Gable

    It’s fascinating that we believe ourselves to be ‘losing’ something when in fact, getting rid of such limitations is expanding, it is mingling in this reality as others and getting to see how it is that I can only consider myself as ‘different’ to another at a mind level. The essence of who we are is the same  at a physical level, and it is then how through this process I’ve come to stop much of the judgment I held toward particular people, wanting ‘nothing to do’ with some others and still, I’m walking the process and reminding myself that I cannot judge another because I am judging myself, as simple as that.

    My perspective on life, myself and others has had a major overhaul to be able to see how it is that whenever I see myself saying: ‘I would never do that’ – obviously in common-sense points, I am in fact defending my own credo wherein I am acting from a prefab version of ‘who/ what I am’ according to and based upon the knowledge and information that I’ve decided to “live” as myself in the past.

    ‎”Ego is a projected energy self based in polarities of good and bad, love and hate that is confused by the movement of the energy of the polarity and believes that it is the energy. When the energy ends, the ego ends and with it love and hate. This world , although physically dependent on energy, is not best served with an outside illusionary entity that pretends to be life” – Bernard Poolman

    We can see how that outside illusionary entity that existed as myself as all of these polarities lying on the boldness of good/ evil, can in fact be stopped and not supported any longer by myself. The projection as the show that I was putting on as the character that I had become, had to have a major turn off so that I could start seeing what I had become, what was the motivation of every single thing that I said, why I said it, how I said it and so forth with everything I did, say, do, communicate about, etc. My ego as the self-created persona became almost ‘ unbearable’ for me to witness every time that I would speak almost in an automated way  – which still does happen from time to time  if I am not enough HERE as breath. At some point I would go into this sense of recrimination for having spoken just out of the automated version of myself as that ego, it’s like the memory that plays out automatically/ by default whenever I am not here as breath, it became very obvious to spot these situations because it almost feels ‘icky’ in the moment.

    Thus the importance of focusing on breath as the actual energizing process that keeps our ‘power’ in place at a physical level, instead of giving all our focus and attention to ourselves as a personality, keeping up that entity that we’ve called ‘who we are’ and ‘how we live.’ As long as we are possessed by our own mind we haven’t in fact ever lived, we can only be existing here as breath as life in every moment when we are not existing in any ‘pole’ to create friction generating energy for the mind to keep running and going back and forth between poles.

    What purpose does that mind serve? Nothing else but our own interest in separation of common sense = what’s best for all. That’s how living as an ego of the mind, as a certain personality is in fact living in dishonesty because within such frame of mind, we’re not considering what’s best for all, we’re not even aware of our full potential, because of existing in the mind as certain recurring thoughts, memories and patterns, having a limited version of ourselves to live by in every moment, just so that we’re able to ‘stick to our protocol,’ stick to what ‘suits our image.’  It’s like having a computer and having all of these full suites to work with – yet because we’ve become so used to only working with one single program, we stick to it because it’s ‘known,’  it’s become ‘comfortable’ with its own limitations. We then justify and create excuses to not go and explore the array of possibilities that are also existing here in our Operating System because that would imply stepping into the ‘unknown’ and getting out of our self-imposed bounds wherein we would think we’re ‘getting out of character.’

    It’s like when being in a cage for too long, long enough to then get scared or freak out the moment that the door is open and we are able to simply walk out of it. It’s fascinating how the mind operates from this perspective, ensuring that we keep us limited as this personality just because of fear and in the name of survival, as that which becomes ‘reliable’ to live by, becomes our religion. If it works – even if it has its major flaws or absolute lack of common sense – we accept it as a fact and we make sure that we stick to it, otherwise it is like ‘disrespecting ourselves’ in some way. At least that’s how I would see it, even with petty examples like ‘not listening to this/ that type of music because it doesn’t suit my personality’ and within that, having limited myself from listening to various types of music at some point, just because of it not being in accordance to the entire mood-set that I had created for myself to live by every day for quite some time in my  life.

    Ludicrous, and I then dared to judge Christianity/ the catholic church  so vehemently, never daring to see how I had created this self-religion and the ‘Marlen Church’ as the entire ritual that I created of my day to day living, how I would live every moment ensuring that I would stick to the  image I CULTivated of myself, so that I could be able  to kind of ‘be proud of myself’ and  get a kick out of my creation as this ‘ego’ sticking out in the world.

    Becoming self honest is the process of becoming aware of what is really here as the physical world. Self honesty is the opening of the eyes to really see reality and to identify what of reality requires change to what is best for all life. Bernard Poolman

    I shifted my eyes to look at the physical reality that I was. I started getting rid of everything that I would put on, wear and mask myself with because I started seeing the deceptive starting point for everything I’d say, do, think… I cannot deny that I would feel like going crazy at times – yes I dubbed that by saying in a video ‘it’s weird at times’ but it was actually a process of seeing this self image just requiring to be demolished, so that I could finally step out of it while applying Self Forgiveness for the extensive fear of loss that I would experience when having to get rid of something, when having to let go of a self-definition that I had deemed as ‘positive’ within myself.

    All love and hate aspects within me had to be self forgiven even when still having the perception that ‘I was right in disliking/ judging this/ that,’ all the perceived treats and advantages that I had, all the good and the bad had to be placed on the table to see and realize that if I am here to create myself, this will be done from scratch, having no particular holds on to something that I regard as ‘nice’ or ‘unable to let go of.’ Oh man, that ‘death’ is what we all have to take on as it is in fact the process of liberation from such ego that is then walked as the entire process of Self Honesty. I mean, I’m  definitely not ‘done,’ it is an ongoing process that I am in at the point of self-creation wherein the moment that I let go of points, I have to now correct myself and make sure I fill in the gaps of such programming with self—supportive commandos so to speak. That’s then how we create not an ‘entity’ in separation of myself as a ‘better version’ or an ‘upgraded version,’ but as an actual being that is here in simplicity living in common sense, moving myself to create and establish what’s best for myself as what’s best for all.

    This is the simplest way we can look at this process. I’ll add another point mentioned by Bernard as well: “Self Honesty is nor nice or beautiful” which is what got me to realize that facing myself, facing my religion was going to be a process wherein I would want to hide beneath that table again, yet only realizing that I could hide there for a limited amount of time until I realized that mindfucks are not able to be sustained that long until we start getting bored and fed up with our usual mind bs, which is actually how I discovered that expanding myself and letting go of this limitations, was the actual ‘freedom’ that I had sought and that I was eager to experience as myself.

    Right now we realize that it doesn’t matter how ‘liberated’ one can get at an individual level, None is Free until ALL is Free and within this, we are here to establish a system that will enable ALL Beings to stand equal to the realization that I am sharing here as myself, as who and what we all can become when standing as Equals in a world where everyone is supported As LIFE, so that we can start living and exploring what actual Self Expression is in Equality.

     The Fool is the beginning of Process – the Tower and Death is when we let go of this veneer as our ego – we then walk the process  until we embrace the entire world as who we really are within standing as the principle that Life is: Equality and Oneness.

    We’re already walking it, we are here and  you can walk along as well if you see that this makes sense in terms of getting rid of all religions and self-religions to finally be vulnerable and ready to mingle with everyone else in Equality.

    http://www.desteni.org

    http://www.equalmoney.org

     


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