Teasing, Tantalizing, chasing after chasing… all are experiences that we have become so used to as human beings, as consumers, as pictures within this picture world wherein energy as experiences is what has defined our life, sometimes entire lifetimes were defined according to keeping up a certain experience such as what I had lived in a rather ‘unnoticed’ yet deliberate manner which is teasing/ tantalizing men specifically and getting always an experience out of it which was in the category of power and feeling ‘good’ about that.
This emerges as that seemingly uncanny and seemingly ‘natural’ pull that we have toward the opposite sex- of course being a heterosexual – and in that, participating in the constant friction that is created whenever a man and a woman are within the same ‘realm’ and reality and creating/ developing any form of relationship, which doesn’t necessarily have to be a ‘partnership,’ but any given encounter, friendship, school, work mates wherein I as a woman became aware of how easy it was to manipulate another man out of imposing myself in a way that could say – without words – ‘I am a woman and I can have you bow down to me’ – or so it seemed like that in my own mind.
It’s interesting because I learned these words from songs that I would hear when I was 9/10 years which was the time in the 90’s where all of these ‘powerful women in music’ were having a sudden uplift within media, and I simply wanted to be like them. I would ‘resonate’ with the presence and powerful personality that seemed to draw everyone’s attention to them. And within having the ability to relate to men in quite an ‘easy way’ due to how I became aware of this ability at a very young age, I used this as a form of entertainment wherein I would make use of this form of manipulation to get a man to notice me/ want me/ desire me according to how much ‘input’ I would place into as attention that I would create or that I would deliberately manipulate myself into to ‘match’ what I would see would be wanted/ desired by such beings.
The point to clarify is how I really only wanted that initial playful and seemingly ‘innocent flirt’ that would keep me going for a while wherein I would enjoy having this sexual tension with other beings without having to go any further than that – which is what was mostly ‘unexpected’ by the counterparts, because I wasn’t really interesting in anything else other than keeping up that tension, just like keeping up a ‘flame’ until the candle burns out and consume and that was it – off to the next round and that was a rather ‘innocent way’ of looking at it, and it became such a ‘natural’ thing to do that I had not really questioned until one of my partners pointed out that I was such a flirtatious girl and I didn’t want to accept it because accepting it means my ego is destroyed and my secret forces of ‘power’ over others would be debunked, my ‘mojo’ would be lost – lol
So, this came up when I was walking yesterday and I saw a man that I know by default I would have obviously reacted to within myself in an energetic surge indicating that I was attracted to him, and the moment that I realized that, I deliberately breathed through it, to not participate, not glance, not do any seemingly ‘unconscious move’ that become those little points that are read as body language as a form of mutual recognition in one split moment that people can simply walk past by and just ‘flirt,’ and participate in that flirt without any other ‘consequence’ – apparently. What I see is that within me participating in such seemingly ‘unnoticed’ flirts, I am giving into a personality that was built over time wherein this power game toward men was developed. And I mean, this is not something ‘new,’ I guess that we all participate it in one way or another and there’s a series of interviews that explain the entire sexualization of relationships within this world wherein everyone is constantly participating in this, without noticing, calling it ‘human nature’ without having understood before WHY – now we know.
So, within me becoming aware of this at an early age, I used it in means of building myself as this ‘strong woman’ that can kick men’s asses and still be safe, because no men could ‘get back at me’ because of being a woman. And in this, I became rather cruel at some point – mostly when not really considering another in such relationships, because I wasn’t really aware of what I was ‘building’ while giving these little hints of teasing and tantalizing wherein I knew that I was definitely not going any further than that, but eventually the counterparts would believe that it would and the whole friendship/ relationship would just crumble down because I had simply given ‘false illusions’ to others – apparently.
Yet, this whole experience was just like ‘fun’ to me, like a pastime wherein I didn’t really consider what effect I was causing within others – and the same with some non-lasting relationships wherein because I ran out of the excitement quite fast, I simply would break up and that’s it. It’s interesting how even in relationships the ‘who breaks up with who’ as in who ended the relationship can be turned into a ‘power game.’
I’m just realizing to what extent I came to live these lyrics of songs wherein women become like a religion to men, this ‘unattainable’ object of desire. And I had quite a moment just hours ago when I was scraping through the topic wherein one of those men that I had experienced such ‘tantalizing’ toward just suddenly sent an email out of nowhere in years, which made me react only in a sudden laughter while thinking ‘oh fuck what am I doing!?’ I can say that this is one of the weak-points wherein, as I’ve said before, the ground is not yet cemented and I realize that there is certainly a lot to learn and walk within this aspect of human relationships.
So for a moment I was a bit stuck within this writing because I knew that this is one of those nitty gritty points that I could deem as me being absolutely evil toward some men in my past. I also realized how I had victimized myself in my head more than what it was in reality in terms of relationships, due to me manipulating memories to suit my martyrdom when in fact, I would put another through quite a hell of a ride with my jaded nature toward their ‘feelings’ when it all would come to an end – wherein I would be moving on and they would be still seeking out for that same experience somehow. I created some arrogance within me out of that and mirrored myself in relationships wherein that power game would not recede into submission, but was kept as a one on one, a ‘perfect match’ in terms of keeping the power game alive.
And so, this is just the ‘tip of the iceberg’ to debunk Marlen von Tease because I became so used to such experience that I would eventually not even notice, until it was really really obvious and absolutely deliberate to go fully into it, which indicates a fucked up way to begin any relationship with –therefore, a lot to give back to myself in order to stop the desire for these ‘sparks in life’ for the sake of some variety show in our day to day living.
The interesting point is how after I stopped participating in what I would have deemed an obvious and certain flirting corresponding that being while walking/ passing by, was me perceiving myself as asexual, dead or even wondering if I seem like such a detached person or plain lesbian. So, fascinating to see how when I stop participating I immediately perceived myself as ‘inert,’ and immediately obviously realizing how it was simply a trick of the mind to then feel ‘odd’ and create an entire mindfuck out of it – which is obviously not necessary. It’s simply realizing the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ after I’d been so used to always participate in these seemingly ‘fleeting moments in my reality’ that we apparently don’t ‘pay much attention to,’ without ever really wanting to look at them and understand the level of identification and personality is held within these power games.
I guess that listening to songs like Supervixen shaped quite a chunk of my views about women and men and these tantalization process- you can hear cryptic words that I gave meanings to, all obviously related to this power that women can have toward males as you can read in the comment section below the lyrics to it.
It’s never really about another, it’s only us being vampires by using another’s image to such ourselves dry with creating an experience out of another in an almost irrational manner, let’s call it ‘automated vampirism’ for the purpose of seeing it as the program it is to keep an energy-sucking system alive.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to learn at a very young age that women were able to have men ‘at their feet’ due to this ability to use a woman’s ‘charms’ to get the most attention and in that, creating within myself an energetic experience that would make me feel ‘good’ about myself, which means that I deliberately participated in teasing men in surreptitious ways wherein I knew that I could tantalize someone for the sake of experiencing ‘power’ over another.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to rejoice when being able to intimidate another being for the sake of weighing myself as superior, as having the ability to instigate a certain reaction on another as that would mean that ‘I was able to push their buttons’ and so, use it for my personal benefit to add-up to my score of being this witty smart ass girl that could not be easily fooled, which was only a game inside my head anyways, because I definitely experienced the exact opposite when the time came for me to really live it in a form of relationship.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever participate in the energetic reward of flirting through teasing another with physical movements that would suggest interest and attention, simply because of how ‘I’ would experience myself about it, which indicates that it was never really about another – therefore
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to use only another person as a image to develop these power games within my mind, where the female had the man ‘at her feet’ and I that, following the ideas of how women were able to astonish an entire crowd if the right moves, the right voice, the right hand movements, the right clothes were fitted into a sellable package wherein any positive feedback about it, would allow me to fulfill the intended experience of flirting/ teasing in an ‘innocent manner.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to just get an energetic kick out of realizing that I enjoyed talking in cryptic manners where people would not be able to fully understand what I had to say, and in that seeing if I could instigate an experience of powerlessness within them, I had then the right to support such diminishment by following their own reactions and blowing them out of proportion –all this done in a seemingly playful manner within me, without realizing the actual effects this could case within another, because I was only considering my experience and energetic kick in the moment.
I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to get a sense of power over others whenever I could say something that would be similar to playing a poker game wherein I knew exactly what effect my words would get in the moment, in this becoming like a vampire that would suck out the moment that the projected and expected reaction came up, as in my mind I would say: I knew it, I was right, everyone’s so predictable – without realizing that all such games were a literal mindfuck between me and my own mind, wherein I would get a kick out of these experiences in a very subtle yet addictive manner.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in subtle yet deliberate games of gaining attention from males, wherein I sought to create/trigger an effect/reaction on another, which would in response create an experience within me that I could feel ‘good’ about as that sensation of being ‘more’ through instigating a reaction within others which is seeking attention but within the context of a sexual nature.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adopt ways of perceiving and categorizing men that I learned from lyrics in music written by these ‘strong-female characters’ that I idolized, wherein I learned about the thrill of being able to tease men and have men ‘at your feet/ bowing down to you’ wherein I simply adopted this way of thinking which made me part of the people that thought that females ‘had the control’ because of the sexual desires that are able to be instigated with ‘great ease,’ by using the female flirt and teasing as a way to power up or light up a certain ‘sparkle’ in another that will keep them ‘coming back for more.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever rejoice in being able to diminish and be rather cruel toward men that I knew couldn’t ‘get back at me’ because ‘I am a female, I am powerful and I can’t be dissed by a male’ – in this I recognize that I used the ‘female character’ and characteristics as a shield to be able to get a kick out of teasing men in subtle ways, wherein I would just enjoy the experience from the answers I would get which were those of paying attention to myself in a way that would make me feel ‘wanted’ and ‘desired’ and ‘accepted’ yet using demeaning ways to get such attention.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play these power games within the consideration that ‘I am a female and I can have power over a male,’ while playing the ‘strong’ and ‘powerful’ woman, when in reality, I would diminish and go into the opposite whenever I would deem that the man was ‘more powerful’ than I was – I see and realize that these ‘power games’ between male and female are part of the usual mind-games that use a sexual-attraction in a secretive/ subtle way, so that each one is able to keep the necessary ‘pose’ in place and still get the energetic kick out of experiencing ourselves as either good for having power over another or miserable when being ‘at the bottom.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that because I am a woman, I am the one that is ‘dominated’ by a male, while in fact I did play the role of using the female character as a way to play the dominant role, through instigating a desire that I would then use as a ‘reward’ which I would increase my ego with, within feeding another’s obsessions and my obsessions to keep myself occupied within these mind games that I would give my power away to, believing that I was feeding only another’s obsessions to keep them eating from my hand, neglecting the fact that it all happened in my own mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use myself as a way to trigger experiences in another that could be regarded as ‘compliments’ in a subtle manner, wherein I would only instigate reactions without following through the entire relationship game, which means that I would only keep the ‘suspense’ in place for the sake of continuing that power game, until it would run out/ fade out and the interest would recede until it was simply not fed any longer.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become an idea of a femme fatale that would enjoy seeing men suffer, within the belief/ idea/ perception that men had dominated women for so long that it was ‘my time’ to ‘take revenge’ and in that, becoming part of the incipient feminism that I would see on TV/ media/ music world and in that, believing that it’s cool to tantalize men and that’s it, like getting someone drunk and high for a moment without giving any further steps to follow all the way through what such flirting/ teasing usually leads to in the ‘normal world.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever enjoy being able to tease men that were ‘my friends’ just because of wanting to debunk their entire façade of being ‘strong men’ toward the rest of the people, and in that, feel better about myself for being able to expose this that I deemed the ‘real them’ while in fact I was only doing it because of the excitement and enjoyment that ‘I’ would get from ‘grounding someone’ that ‘bossy’ or ‘arrogant’ – yet without really considering what type of energy I was getting from such events as only creations and power games in my own mind.
Yesterday I went past a man that I would have had a reaction to as an attraction, wherein you experience that fuzzy feeling in your stomach and I was aware right before it manifested, hence I deliberately breathed and didn’t participate in the moment wherein I had become an automated flirt toward men that I would have a visual reaction to, without considering what such ‘innocent flirt’ or ‘teasing’ can lead-to by just participating in this game with looking back at another or doing a single physical movement that indicates that ‘the game is on.’
In this I realize that I had become an automated participant of these teasing games wherein it became like a hobby for me to do so, when I deemed that it was ‘worth it’ to play the game – yet getting quite scared of the person getting the ‘wrong message’ and going ‘too far’ with perceiving the entire power-game to be more serious than what I deemed as simple innocent and ‘almost non perceptible’ ways in which I could still tantalize someone, yet not engage into further ‘problems.’ Which lead me to eventually having to stop some of those ‘friendships’ in a cold-manner, because of realizing that I had been giving/sending ‘the wrong message’ all the way, wherein I then deemed myself as ‘too innocent’ and ‘not knowing what I was doing.’
All of this proves that the lack of communication between human beings in a direct, straightforward manner ensues misunderstandings and assumptions that can lead to events that are certainly not necessary if the points are straight from the beginning. By this I mean that whenever we engage within participating in these ‘usual/ casual flirts,’ we take responsibility for whatever comes after that, and in most cases it would lead me to have to distantiate myself from such beings in my world, because of them going ‘too far’ within the belief of ‘who I was’ or ‘what I was up to,’ which is how I realized that I could not go around just instigating others to believe that I was ‘sending a message’ as in deliberately teasing them to get a response for them for ‘something else,’ instead of me simply seeking the attention and appraise gotten in the moment and the reaction I would experience out of it.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever get infuriated if another female would do the same because then the entire ‘power game’ would be against another ‘me’ that could do the same and in that, lose my place within such being’s world, eventually just stepping aside and diminishing myself to a non-existent place within ‘their world.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am a powerful woman that can control men’ wherein I actually got to live out the exact opposite as a result of me having diminished myself within an actual relationship, wherein I see and realize that it was not always as I remember or have manipulated the relationship to be within my mind. I realize that I have blamed others for how I have experienced myself, while in fact I was actually quite rude and cruel at times toward them.
And it’s interesting to see how I had hid in the back of my head these memories of seeing that I was ‘really hurting men’ because of a ‘bad experience’ that I had as the first relationship wherein I called a relationship a failure without even really starting, which was my way of ‘washing my hands’ when seeing that I was not getting the expected energetic experience within me out of another. It was really not about ‘the other’ but what I had built and created as the idea of another inside my head for my personal benefit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad and guilty for having cheated beings within relationships, simply because I was not getting enough ‘energetic highs’ out of just one being.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I actually had any power over other, when in fact it as just me imposing myself as these ideas of ‘who I am’ and instigating reactions which are no different to putting up a fight to get the reactions/ experience of having the power to make another react in a way that I can feel ‘good’ about myself, feeling ‘more’ or ‘powerful.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as ‘bad’ for this because of realizing what type of secretive and seemingly-innocent power games I’d play, wherein any interaction with males that I would deem as ‘attractive,’ I would use as a way to fabricate my own little game to get some energy going on out of it an entertain myself in my day to day living.
I commit myself to stop participating in these momentary ‘fleeting flirting moments’ that recharge this entire personality of the ‘supervixen,’ to finally establish a point of equality toward people in my world, where I make sure I do not participate in any form of energetic game or experience when being with another, as I realize that within energy there is a point of separation and a point of relationship created, which usually leads us to the usual outcomes of up and down to be eventually non-existent in our world, thus going out for more.
I commit myself to deliberately stop myself whenever I see myself seeking a similar experience in other ways wherein the personality of being a female overrides the point of equality toward men, and in that, creating an entire set of consequences within such power games of separation. I realize that we have all agreed to ‘play these games’ wherein I was not even aware to what extent such ‘flirts’ or correspondences would be interpreted as something way-out beyond my initial intention, which is what would cause some disruption within me when finding out what I was getting myself into.
So, I commit myself to expose these seemingly ‘innocent power games’ that are in fact keeping entire personalities in place within ourselves, wherein we become just another bolt waiting to be ejected by having any point of fuel to be catapulted. I see that who I am is able to not participate and still remain here, regardless of any initial thought of ‘fearing losing my experience’ which is that of flirting and creating this rather primitive way of establishing relationships with the opposite sex.
I realize that in order for us to stand as equals, all power games must cease to exist – and all identities as roles within society of being more than and less than in a sexist manner, are only that, labels, beliefs, ideas that do not support life and what’s best for all, but perpetuate a self-definition within energy that is Not who we really are.
I commit myself to never again engage in relationships of flirting or sending out ‘wrong messages’ which implies participating in my world without giving into the experience of winning/ losing, feeling good/ bad about myself/ others in any given moment.
I breathe, I self forgive and let go of this all unconditionally, as they all were only memories in my head.
Thanks for reading.
Ode to Femininity (2004)
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