Or understanding the ‘Morally Upright’ construct I’ve been living as in relation to living a process of self-change
Continuing with this underlying ‘imprint’ within my personal process of self-change and the relationship to the words ‘being an example’ that can be read in my previous blog, I’ve seen lately the kind of words embodied within this idea of ‘being an example for others’ coming with a dose of morally upright stance. What does that mean? That part of what was motivating me to do things is to ‘demonstrate to others how things are done’ and in a way taking the high horse of experiencing it as a form of ‘noble path’ that separates me from the rest, that I am someone that is virtuous, commendable, proper, giving myself a ‘greater worth’ in separation of others, being dignified, dutiful… and some other words may emerge as I go opening this up, which don’t mean that the words in themselves are the problem, but how I have imprinted them all within this construct of ‘morally upright’ which will then require me to redefine those words to live them without the ‘experience’ of them separating me from the rest.
Here the relationship to being an authority to myself extended to becoming an ‘idea of authority towards others’ where leadership or being a ‘leading example’ is tainted with a righteousness, a stubbornness at times and an idea of virtue upon myself that is very similar to what some ‘religious authorities’ would impose onto themselves, separating themselves ‘from the rest’, being ‘more worthy of god’ etc. lol yet! At the same time claiming sainthood in wanting to help or save others, appearing as selfless and modest.
Now, this is a very subtle yet existent aspect of how I have been living thus far my relationship to this process of self-change, where there is – or was – an experience defining me in relation to ‘what I do’ as being virtuous, doing ‘the right thing’ in a moral stance that invariably came with an air of superiority, of ‘lifting myself above others’ in a very subtle way within myself and this invariably becomes part of the ‘process character’ where one believes oneself to be ‘better than others’ because of walking this process of self-change, which is nothing else but another personality as an ego that leads us back to being in our minds and recreating separation through the inferiority/superiority construct.
My experience of this wasn’t ‘visible’ to others for the most part – or so I think! – but I’ve been in it/as it all the way and it’s a very sneaky one because one becomes the ‘benevolent character’ that seeks an egotistical pride or honor through becoming ‘something more’ than others through doing what is believed to be ‘the right thing,’ the ‘good deeds,’ ‘being there for others’ all the time – and within this falling within a morality construct where it can appear that I am focusing on all the ‘good stuff,’ the ‘supportive stuff,’ but! The problem is that this benevolent construct of ‘goodness’ cannot exist without the opposite or its polarity, which translated in my case to existing in a constant judgment – and denial – of everything that is just not going along the lines of what I see is ‘the right thing to be/do/thing,’ the ‘truth,’ or ‘what is best for all’ and so forth, which invariably leads one to become this morality driven personality that claims doing what is most beneficial, what is most supportive – and may in fact get to ‘do it’ – but, in my secret mind what is fueled is a constant judgment to everything and everyone else that stands as the opposite of all of these words I described above, all that is ‘corrupted’ at the eyes of what I see as my principles and ways of living, all that is ‘impure’ so to speak such as lacking virtues, honor, respect, lack of principles, lack of awareness and in essence kind of placing myself in a very subtle experience of me vs. ‘the mortals’ that aren’t aware of themselves, that are still ‘weak in character’ type of thing, while covering that up with a façade of nobility, kindness and benevolence.
This is a very deceitful aspect to debunk because it is easy to say ‘well, you’re doing what’s beneficial, what’s right, what’s of beneficence to others, what’s wrong with that?’ or getting ‘compliments’ like ‘More people should be like you!’ type of thing which I’ve actually heard over the years in my case, and again the problem is not about all of those deeds/actions and decisions to support oneself or others, but about how these decisions, actions and at times ‘self-sacrifice’ to ‘be there for others’ unconditionally fed this particular construct of the ‘morally upright’ character, where in my own mind I’d then compare, judge and go into denial of my own personal experiences and personal desires/needs/wants because of judging them all as too shallow, too ‘mundane,’ or lacking any genuine ‘impact for the rest of the world.’
This led me to constantly having ‘others eyes’ upon me in my mind where I placed myself with the ‘duty’ of ‘being an example to others’ of what ‘sacrificing yourself for the greater good means,’ and in doing so, I was in fact on my way to live a life of limitation and fears, which is ‘nobly’ said to be “of sacrifice and selflessness”, of “giving myself to others, “of “serving a greater cause/ a greater good” while actually neglecting myself in the form of denying to myself the possibility to genuinely enjoy myself, actually get to do what I’ve been denying to myself to do because of judging it as a ‘too shallow to dedicate myself to it, because it doesn’t benefit others directly’ or rather it doesn’t fit this ‘benevolent sainthood’ construct I’ve been living as – and within that, limiting my possibilities of being in a position where I could actually be of most benefit to myself and eventually others in doing so.
The bottom line is that what I just explained as this personality construct of sacrifice and virtuousness in a form of religious experience is really not at all the way to understand walking this process of self-change and I am entirely sure this is not the point of the Desteni Process at all to make ourselves into egotistical morally upright individuals that separate ourselves from all the ‘mundane filth’ lol and place ourselves in these pedestals of virtue and piousness. Not at all!
It’s quite interesting how I had become that in a very ingrained manner, not even questioning it at all if it wasn’t because of getting direct feedback on this through another’s eyes – of which I am quite grateful for because I tend to lack this kind of feedback – and this proves again that we cannot do this process ‘alone,’ but require to be in check with others that are also walking their process and can give us an ‘outsider’s view’ upon something that we’ve become so much to our eyes, that has become the very mindset through which we function on a daily basis that it takes some external point of view to see this with clarity, and in my case this also was shared from someone that had a similar design to my own so, that was a direct feedback of someone that has walked this point as well, which is what makes the Desteni community so awesome and supportive in walking this process as well.
I am also aware that the emphasis within this process is placed on ‘doing what’s best for all’ and how this can be twisted into only focusing ‘on others’ out there and forgetting about oneself in people’s minds like my own, where we tend to remove ourselves from the equation. So a simple reminder is to understand it as ‘being the best for oneself and so best for all’ as a result of that, so that ‘I matter’ is included in this starting point of everything we do, are, change and decide to implement in our lives within this context of self-change to benefit ourselves and in doing so, stand as our matter, as life to the potential that we see is possible and that we can practically live and develop in our lives, self change! In short.
I’ll keep sharing more on how this ‘denial’ of my own aspirations and desires within a stance of ‘selflessness’ led me to create comparison and jealousy towards others that I viewed as being ‘too selfish’ in their lives, enjoying themselves ‘too much’ while I was in the mindfuck and belief that ‘we should all suffer at the same pace of the rest of the world’ – or the majority of the world – and so, living in denial of me possibly being able to actually create the life that I want, that I see is benefic, supportive and enjoyable for myself because of considering that I had to live almost like a monk if possible, ‘detached from earthly pleasures’ lol!
And I do see that I turned this process of self-change into this ‘moral standard’ within myself rather than an actual practical consideration of myself, my life, my location, my skills, my context, my abilities, the person I am and want to in fact be and express and take it from there – instead of turning it into a moral semi-religious sainthood that would have led me to frustration, jealousy, bitterness, dissatisfaction and eventually becoming a fascist in my life towards myself and others, which is something that ‘resonates’ a lot with me in that personality context. An example is whenever I see military people like sergeants in movies, I can totally relate to them and almost see those characters as ‘kindred spirits’ lol! Where this notion of ‘the noble path’ makes one honorable, respectable and virtuous, better than others, superior, powerful, all of it lived as a character within a fake authority of fear that we sure have to change and step out of in our own minds and in the systems within this world in order to actually live equality in all aspects within ourselves, starting with ‘who we are in our minds’ and within me, this translates in ensuring that I don’t recreate this mindfuck of the ‘virtuousness’ and ‘morally upright’ experience in relation to walking this process of self-change.
Thanks for reading.
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