Tag Archives: gnaw

178. There’s no reason, no explanation, so play the violin


Backchat Reaction dimension within Procrastination Character

Within walking this process of identifying all dimensions, I realized that the backchat has more to do with a series of judgments that I have held toward specifics in relation to myself and art and at the moment, I’ve walked that on a previous blog, however when it comes to the reactions, I see that the most prominent points where simply fear, anxiety and then a laxity wherein I would make it all alright and simply keep going without going into it.


I’ve had a song in the back of my head, Ricochet by Faith no more and the chorus says:

“It’s always funny until someone gets hurt…
And then it’s just hilarious!”


Now the most prominent reaction I am facing currently is  to my own stupidity-loops that I’ve walked, and as I write this I can experience some type of energetic drill on my arms because of how I did this to myself and my reaction toward this has been that of anger that I’ve channeled through other means – like points of getting angry at people for not cleaning the kitchen a month ago, getting irritated about other people’s expression as if everything ‘was fine’ and me simply reacting to it because of this drag that I’ve been keeping around myself all this time.  And it’s interesting because I got the point explained to me and still, I didn’t quite ‘get it’ in terms of being angry at ourselves for not changing. Now it’s quite clear and makes absolute sense, I was simply using others to ventilate my own accumulated inner-anger/ frustration for not moving on/ directing myself –this is how we try to ‘project blame to others’ instead of taking responsibility for our own deeds, thoughts and words. Listen to Anu’s recent interviews for more detailed explanation on this point, which will strip any sense of righteousness upon decision making based on the mind’s indulgence: Reptilians – Facing Choice (Part 2) – Part 108


Hence the reactions are more of an accumulated state of absurdity when realizing what I’ve done or not done to be precise. Being  this something that had become this ‘something going on’ within me that can be easily side-swept within self interest – and not even easily really, that’s also what I’ve made myself believe: it can be easily ignored in the moment, however it becomes like a constant gnawing thought – now the ‘gnawing thought’ makes sense when studying the Quantum Mind Series and getting a clue of the level of abuse that we are inflicting upon ourselves whenever we Think about things but not Do anything with it – Why? This is the question: if I realize that I am not supporting myself in keeping this ‘thing’ on top of me like a cross I’ve accepted and allowed myself to bear absolutely unnecessarily so, then why the hell have I simply not given it self direction?  Because: in the mind, everything is fine – yes just like ‘In Heaven, Everything is Fine’ and this is the point wherein I realize that I have chosen the mind to direct me and become me and my every day decision-maker instead of myself not accepting and allowing to give into the ‘same old carelessness’ toward things that I ‘know’ must be done and simply, doing it = ‘play the violin.’


A memory that comes up within this is how I would for example procrastinate simple things throughout my day as a child, like taking off my school uniform when getting home from school, getting to a point of having to be ‘threatened’ by my mother with a tickle-attack if I didn’t take it off in 30 seconds, then I would MOVE the hell off the couch, stop watching MTV  and run to take it off and put some other clothes – however when this wasn’t the case, I could remain the entire day with the uniform on, LOL – this is just ‘hilarious’ yes but the point is not the uniform or how I was conditioned to move with something I feared, which is something that’s very clear to me now –  but how these seemingly innocent patterns evolved later on with other points of procrastination up to one that I created  for myself and walking at the moment. It’s a ‘carelessness’ toward myself and a laxity that can accumulate in seemingly ‘unnoticeable’ points that I am perfectly aware exist within me and that I participate in on a daily basis. Within the previous example,  taking off the uniform would literally take me 20 seconds, 20 goddamn seconds… however I would simply move everywhere else, do all my homework and studies to the T, be a ‘responsible girl’ in all ‘school matters’ but could not make the single decision to take off the uniform – that’s the same experience that I’m having as a reaction to this procrastination point, which is pretty cool that emerged as I have this ‘thought,’ that single pixel frame of the TV-room I used to spend my days in, wearing my uniform for probably some 12 hours on a row or more lol, doing all my homework and my ‘responsibilities’ however not moving in one simple aspect that was related to me – which opens up the point: have I always done things for others then? And when have I really done things for me? I am sure this process is and has been as self-decision, which is how I have kept myself ‘constant’ within it – however the moment I separated this school-career project and making it ‘for others’ I turned my own tables and decided to judge it and procrastinate it.

The uniform was definitely constricting! it was uncomfortable, yet I kept wearing it –that pretty much sums up my reaction toward this point: it is constricting, it was utterly uncomfortable having this jack in the box constant nagging thought, however I did not move. And so, it is hilarious.

I said, “it’s okay to laugh about it”


As I’ve been working on the actual writing and moving myself within this whole procrastination deal,  I realize how I had actually enjoyed having begun writing the first version of it, which was far more extensive than the one I am writing at the moment and that is less ‘constricting’ in terms of the ‘rigidness’ of what a proper ‘academic written work’ should be like.  I realized how within simply writing and actually just ‘doing it’ to what extent I simply made a huge fucking deal out of it, while it only took me opening the damn file and reviewing, continuing writing and being certain of what I am writing as my own process, with full awareness of how it is that it is much more simple  to just physically do it, than anything else I could have made up in my mind of it being seemingly ‘too much’ – all excuses as backchat that I would react to in this heaviness at a physical level after going through slight pungent shots of anxiety and fear for ‘the future,’ giving into the mind experience instead of taking it ‘by the horns’ and not allowing me to continue procrastinating. But I did.

And so, as I’ve learned from some blogs I’ve read from Lindsay Craver, I realize how sometimes the songs we have in our heads are indicating ‘something’ that we are simply not fully seeing ‘here.’  and I’ll give a proper journey to life review on her blog in a vlog. So keep an eye on it.


And the chorus pretty much describes how I would go through my day by day, as if everything was ‘just fine’ and then realizing, oh fuck, I did squander my time – it’s done and gone. And now ‘the joke is on me’  and how well, I realize I can’t get more pissed off or angry at myself as that would be another stupidity loop – nor channeling through getting angry ‘at others’ because I can’t fool myself that easily any longer –

So, it is ‘hilarious’ to realize this yes, I mean, what’s left to do but acknowledge what I’ve done, how I created it, and how I am simply giving it direction without further reactions.

So the reactions at the moment are more related to having procrastinated this task all this time – it is a point of self-judgment and yes  I remember very well: ‘Do not judge yourself if you fall’ – However, if it is here and it’s just ‘hilarious’ that I did it, well I have to walk down the procrastination road and eat lots of humble pie (thanks to Cerise that explained that idiom to me)  and accepting my mistakes, that is the gift that I can give to myself wherein there is no positive or negative mindfuck to cover it up or try to find a ‘good way’ to justify why I procrastinated, or believing that ‘there was seemingly an external/ unknown/ mysterious  reason’ for this to happen, that there was ‘something behind this all’ that I simply am apparently unaware of and that’s the reason why I had to stay longer here and essentially extending my expiry date for a year – expiry date I mean with my due time to simply get things done and sticking around here.


So it’s always ‘funny’ and just ‘nice’ to keep ourselves deciding for the fluffy positive thinking and positive experience that one creates in order to not take on the tasks that must be done –  until the shit hits the fan and I’m brought back to Earth – why do I require these wake up calls then having to go through fear, anxiety, keeping it inside, rotting until it’s just a point where the pungent smell is telling me Hey you know, you could have just DONE it and get over with it, how difficult is that?

And this is where I look down and forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to  realize believe that I could ‘get away from this’ easily and that there would be a miraculous way to step-out of it, and not having to eventually do it/ work on this.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate a point of self abuse as a physical burden and a constant reaction of shame toward my own dishonesty to move/ do things/ get my responsibilities ‘moving’ wherein instead of actually taking the necessary physical direction, I gave into the experience of ‘feeling bad’ about it and then using all means and justifications like having ‘other responsibilities that are more important’ as an excuse, wherein then ‘blame’ comes as a suitable gadget for me to not see that I am the only one that is and has been responsible for this, and that in the end, I will also have to walk through the consequences no matter what – and this is where yes, there is nothing left to do but eat my own words and say ‘I did this to myself.’


Within this  – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge ourselves as humanity for ‘waiting for a savior/ god’ to come and fix things for ourselves and then in the end, simply having to do it ourselves once that the shit is still ‘there’ and there’s no one to take care of it – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shame and embarrassment toward my own dishonesty which is simply another form of ego to victimize myself about what I didn’t do – why I did not give it direction and remain within a comfort zone of just ‘feeling bad about it’ which is not really necessary and even self interest to create yet another experience upon not doing something, instead of simply breathing, letting it go, giving myself proper practical direction to do it and that’s it. Within this realize how it is actually quite easy to simply ‘do it’ and not give into all the thoughts and judgments and backchat about it, or adding an extra layer of judgment when ‘looking back on time’ and realizing the stupidity I have created for myself, by myself


I realize that I will walk the consequences and that yes, the ricochet eventually hits us back again – and that ‘there’s no reason, no explanation, so play the violin’ – this is exactly what I’ve experienced and that’s just part of the lyrics.  I have no excuse, I don’t have to explain myself further to make it alright, so I play the violin which means I get this done.

More explicit self forgiveness in the next one…



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Day 49: I Consume Myself – I Worry

Erode: gradually destroy or weaken

I haven’t discussed much my ‘relationship’ with garbage but I have this constant ‘emotion’ attached every time that I gather the garbage and take it out until the moment that I hand it to the men that take the garbage away, it’s like delivering my sins/ my waste to others in absolute shame and sometimes disgust for having to be this consuming vampire that only knows how to ‘put in’ and ‘put out’ mere waste, which is actually only an idea I’ve created toward excretion as it could be re-used for purposes of supporting the Earth. However when it comes to physical garbage, it’s another thing as I cannot digest that in order to turn it into manure or something like that.


I have created a pattern of emotional reaction every time that ‘parties’ take place and disposable cutlery, plates and cups are used without any care – yes, I saw myself distributing some of my ‘washed and stored’ plastic containers to distribute some left over from one of my roommate’s end of school dinner and for a moment I saw that my only concern was not to waste more polyurethane plates ‘in vain’ due to the emotion that I’ve linked to seeing any form of massive waste – yet eventually neglect it and swallow it as if ‘nothing happened.’


There’s this ingrained memory of me as a child sticking some ‘ecological’ (lol! I just wrote egological) stamp on the bathroom’s wall indicating that one can place a bucket of water beneath the shower to collect the water that first comes out until it warms up – and while doing this as I was showering I made a habit of imagining how many people would also be showering at the same time in the world and ‘wasting water’ all the way. The relationship I’ve created of myself toward anything that I use is then not an equal and one relationship, I’ve always seen myself as a scavenger and a polluter creating waste. In this, any human activity would be automatically tainted with wondering: ‘holy fuck, how many toilets are required for that? Where will all the garbage from such event will go? How on Earth have we managed to still have running water in our taps?’ and within this seeing my entire existence as a gnawing-beast – this was most of the times as a ‘by default’ thought that then enslaved me to only be existing as this idea of human beings = consuming leeches that produce a lot of waste.


It’s quite fascinating that this point came up as I had quite a talk with one of my ex-professors and I noticed that during the chat, I noticed an emotional reaction when reviewing the chemical processes that are involved in art-creation, specifically the etching workshop I spent half of my days in, wherein I accumulated this unspoken guilt for seeing the amount of paper wasted, the type of chemicals/ acids we used, how I was deliberately harming myself at some point – which became quite obvious when I got to the farm and didn’t take proper physical-considerations when working with my hands – and in this general disregard of my own physical body when doing certain jobs/ tasks. This implies not only my human physical body, but the world itself as the one that is bearing the entire fuckup of our personal interests.


I would always feel guilty when having to wash a single brush with paint – yet I continued doing it because ‘it is acceptable, others also do it, so it should not be ‘that bad’ for the environment.’ And within this same train-of-thought, I allowed myself to simply shove away all the reactions that I would constantly get when looking at trash cans in art school, when seeing all the chemicals that would go down the drain and realizing that it didn’t matter if there were ‘chemical traps’ installed: there is no way pure water can come out from what I’m disposing down the drain.


We have placed the Earth and Earth’s resources at ‘our service,’ wherein it is inevitable to not see ‘abuse’ in everything we do. Art is just a more direct/ tangible experience for me throughout my life experience, from that very first time I used oil paint and I was concerned because I didn’t know where to dispose the turpentine after I was done cleaning my brushes. Everything we do entails a process of consumption which involves: extraction, production, transportation – consumption comprised of the entire buying-selling current drama of economic policies – digestion/ use and excretion/ waste/residues/ left overs that go back to earth – the way that they go back to Earth then implies Earthing back an entire cycle and chain massacre of abuse – it is and has become what ‘life on Earth’ is.


We have excused ourselves from being the very origin of the massive crisis that has unfolded since the beginning of our times as human beings, using our physical bodies to generate this energetic experience that we thought was ‘who we are’ and in that, sipping and gnawing the actual physicality into a single stream of energy that served some Heavenly purposes that we were unaware of while here, but were absolutely aware of invariably at some point in between lives.


Now that I’ve been reading ‘Heaven’s Journey to Life blog, I realize that these ideas that I had place ‘outwardly’ have been in fact happening within/ as me from the very moment of my inception and conception in this reality – yet, it wasn’t due to the most obvious afore mentioned mechanisms of consumption. This is about how our very own participation in that which we accepted and allowed ourselves to exist as, which is our mind and within that very acceptance of feeling/ becoming emotional as something ‘normal,’ I became the very menace to my own physical body. Was I ever aware of this? No. I only accepted the belief and idea of aging due to it being a ‘natural process’ but let’s face it: not many – if not all – ever questioned the effects and consequences of us thinking, existing in constant emotional and feeling turmoil, to the extent where diseases were and have been only looked at from the perspective of an ‘external pathogen agent,’ but never seeing the core an source of it as ourselves. This already implies that we have blamed and used spite as way to ‘wash our hands’ from being the very starting point of virtually all the problems in our current world – wherein it’s easier to believe that ‘they’ are doing something wrong, while there is in fact No ‘they’ = it’s always been ourselves only.


Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of creating an emotional reaction toward erosion as pollution, depletion of resources outside of myself through creating worry and concern about trees being cut, us using water on a daily basis to shower, wash, toilets, industrial processes, and get an experience of disgust every time that I have to smell the environment at night, which is revealing that I have existed with a constant reaction toward our consequences, wherein all that I learned to do as a little girl was promoting ‘good things’ related with ecology and environmental preservation, getting absolutely and extremely angry when seeing people littering on the street to the point of boiling up, people burning trash and any other form of general environmental abuse, without ever questioning HOW it is that I am the origin and cause of this massive problem which begins within my own body –


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept myself as a mind that exists as the consequence and result of having abdicated Life and accepted myself to be an become an energy-making machine that requires energy to make energy, which means that the entire process includes erosion and gnawing of the means that produce such energy which is myself as my physical body, by having accepted the use of physicality in the name of an energetic experience, without ever asking/ questioning what effects this would create on a constant basis within my physical body, leading to its inevitable finiteness as absolute depletion of myself as my physical body after having served life to consciousness, the mind system as an energy-making machine every time that I participated in thoughts, feelings, emotions and the identification of myself as ‘my mind.’


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to always see the pollution problem outside of myself, and never daring to see that I am the cause (acceptance) and effect (allowance) of it from the very beginning of myself in my conception as a mind consciousness system and my inception simultaneously within this physical existence wherein I tacitly agreed to be born to die, to be born to exist as an energy-creation machine that seeks constantly energy to continue existing without ever questioning the effects that this process entailed at the long run, not only in my own physical body but as this entire creation / manifested consequence that each one of us is equally responsible for.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in distress, worry and concern about the effects of our every day living consuming/ wasting activities wherein I usually then carry myself as my own burden to this world, which has been part of the patterns that I ensured I ‘keep myself as’ which became a constant reminder of self deprecation, leading to misanthropy along with any other constant thinking-process that reminded me that ‘I am consuming and polluting the Earth,’ which became a way to only victimize myself and ‘feel less than’ other than actually taking responsibility for me to realize that there are definitive reasons for our current neglect toward life and that such neglect stops by me first directing myself to stop adding ‘more’ waste and depletion by creating an experience out of seeing a polluted world by our own hand. I realize that creating any experience out of it serves no one and it won’t change a thing unless I take responsibility to create a world system wherein money does not define the way products/goods are extracted, produced, transported and distributed –  which means that an entire economical, political, social along with environmental research reform is required in order to stop scavenging the Earth while only caring to make the most money out of it, and disregarding the very life that sustains our current world-system.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate unspoken guilt and remorse every time that I used chemicals and papers and procedures for art making that I knew would be detrimental to the environment, and instead justified, excused it and neglected it because of believing that ‘everything must have a ‘con’ in itself, there is always a detrimental factor to everything we do, there’s no other way around it’ and in this, thinking that it would not matter as the world was doomed already, in this continuing spiting my own common sense through making it ‘ok’ and ‘acceptable’ which is and has been the story of my life in the face of abuse: making it ‘ok’ and ‘acceptable.’


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make it ‘ok’ to be inhaling harmful acids because of the ‘elders’ making it almost like a point of pride of how they have lost their sense of smell due to their endless years of printmaking which made me believe that ‘If I want to be a ‘serious’ artist, then I must shut up with my environmental complains, because ‘that’s the price to pay’ for it.’ This is part of the usual excuses and justifications wherein we make any form of abuse ‘acceptable’ as that is then seen as part of the ‘passion’ that you have toward your work/ your art, wherein the actual physical body is severely damaged due to the constant contact with harmful substances to the skin, eyes, nose, and or heavy-duty physical tasks wherein all of it is justified in the name of ‘art making.’


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in this world ‘things can’t be pink all the time,’ which is an excuse that I also accepted whenever becoming aware of any living being being ‘killed softly’ due to harsh work conditions, with long labor-hours with improper conditions to work in and having no other opportunity as ‘that’s all that’s available for them,’ which implies that the living reality that I accepted and allowed was that of absolute detriment to life, and I made it ‘ok’ because ‘that’s how the world works, what can I do about it?’ which came with the same cycle of feeling only worried/ concerned and eventually powerless to make a difference in this world.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see the animal abuse for factory farming as simply something that ‘had to be done’ in order to feed humans, because that’s the excuse that I was given by parents and teachers which became another point to add on to the list of ‘make it look alright’ and ‘don’t bother to question ‘why’ any further’  within this, making it alright to simply stop caring that much because that’s what I was told: ‘You cannot do anything about it, stop worrying and instead live’ – but then, I continued suppressing the worry without any explanation as to why no one stopped to ponder about these points which became reminders of me being supposedly ‘powerless’ to do anything to change our situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional reaction every time that I gather my garbage up until the moment wherein I give it to the men that take it to the dump, due to feeling guilty for being such a ‘waste’ as in being an organism that is able to produce all of that garbage in a never ending manner, which means that I have simply resorted to ‘feel bad’ about it only, instead of realizing that this entire system can work in a much more sustainable way the moment that we start considering how this entire waste-land that we’ve made of this Earth is directly linked to and the result of our current economic system that does not regard Life in Equality at all – which means that WE are absolutely responsible for it – thus, can absolutely change the way things are done as well.

This will continue…


I commit myself to, first of all, stop creating any emotion attached to me disposing garbage and taking out the garbage and gathering my own waste, as I see and realize that within such constant worry/ concern that I have accepted as an automated experience toward all things ‘waste’ – from the water that I use for the toilet, to shower, to wash, to the garbage I dispose on a daily basis- I am not making any form of improvement/ change or actual actions that can create an alternative way to produce and live in this world, wherein through me only worrying about it and creating this constant blame and guilt for being a consumer of life, I am only consuming more life as such emotional experience requires me to sip energy from my very own physical body to exist – thus


I commit myself to remain here as breath when and as I see myself going into the thought pattern of worrying/ feeling guilty/ feeling shame for consuming and wasting – I stop and I breathe – and realize that I am only ‘thinking’ my own guilt and it does nothing in reality to create a change and a difference as to how we use the resources and how we dispose everything that we do not require any longer.


I realize that the actual solution is not through me feeling ‘bad’ in my ‘egological/ ecological personality’ that I have cultivated as a little girl and throughout the years, only compounding a general disgust toward human beings and seeing ourselves as leeches and ticks, sucking the blood out of life and polluting the Earth. I see and realize that there is a solution that must be linked to an entire political, social and economical reform that will give way for science, research and studies that will be committed to create and develop the most functional and real-environmental friendly ways to extract, consume, produce goods and services related to human and animal consumption, which implies that: the moment money will no longer be an obstacle for life-supportive systems, we will be able to start focusing on ourselves as the origin and starting point of all this chain of life decadence due to our primordial acceptance and allowance to only exist as energy-based systems that consume to live, without any practical systems in place to ensure that it is sustainable and renewable in all ways.


I commit myself to create the Equal Money System as the one solution that will place ourselves at the level of understanding how it is that we have co-created this reality as our image and likeness within ourselves as our very own physical-body functioning, and in that, within us stopping ourselves from participating in consumerist and careless behaviors, we will start caring and constructing ways that make of this world an actual sustainable environment for Life and stop supporting the idea of the Earth being ‘at our service’ as humanity.


I commit myself to realize that anything that is not indispensable for me to participate in that pollutes the Earth unnecessarily is able to be stopped the moment that I realize the effects and consequences of me buying such product, me participating in certain activities and within that, commit ourselves to develop a new living-style that is no longer defined by ‘buying’ as a synonym to ‘living,’ but instead: expressing, developing sustainable systems that Do consider Life in Equality and the necessary changes to do so.


Investigate the Equal Money System wherein we are making sure that this world stops being the energy-consuming machine with no regard to life – and instead, be a part of voting for the principles that will ensure humanity becomes a NEW humanity that is willing to take care of another as ourselves and in that, pave the way for the generations to come wherein: all children won’t have to live in a constant fear and petrification when seeing a world in depletion and no one doing anything about it. We make sure that they are born into a world system that cares and regards life, as it is and will be realized as who we really are.



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Blogs to Realize what we are doing to ourselves:

Sacrificial Love of the Mother: DAY 48
Day 48: The Visible and the Invisible


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