Tag Archives: guilt

619. Learning From Relationships

 

I listened to three audios on Eqafe that I find essential to listen for everyone, considering how most of us – or so far I’ve only known one person in my life that was not interested in having a relationship – are usually looking for and aiming to ‘find that ONE person’ to establish a relationship with.  Here are the titles: Fear of Missing Out on a Fulfilling Relationship – Fears & Phobias, Using Relationships to Hide From Myself – Life Review, Time Alone Before Time Together – Life Review.

When I listened to the Life Review specifically, I could relate to what the woman shared with regards to the little time spent without and in between relationships and how that affected her in disconnecting from herself, from who she was and how much the constant seeking for a relationship made her dependent on the ‘other’ person to be complete within herself – this might be a bit of a vague description on my side, so I definitely recommend you listen to her story yourself. But! here I’m focusing on sharing what opened up for me as I was listening to her story.

First of all realizing that I have been in such kind of situation where I would end a relationship and start another one right away, not spending time alone to reconsider where I am and who I have been in the relationship –  in terms of what were my lessons learned, points expanded, faults, mistakes, things I can be grateful for etc. – and instead jumping into the next relationship. This is probably one of those weakest points I’ve had throughout my life and one that I have been particularly – secretly – ashamed of because it is obvious that it involves a lack of honesty towards myself within relationships in terms of what I can accept and allow, what I can commit to and how I have disregarded the consequences and the effect that me changing my mind about relationships can have on the partner and people around as well.

I share this because I do consider it vital to apply what the woman shares about her story, to be able to take some time off from relationships in order to ‘get back to oneself’. I’ve done both things and will share my experience in both situations.

There was a time that I’ve recently in my mind judged as very bleak, lonely and fruitless, this happened when I was living in Mexico City and I deliberately decided to learn to be alone – in a rather ‘extreme’ way to be alone I’d say – being then fully aware of my tendency to become dependent on being ‘always there’ for other people, being the kind of partner that lives the life of the partner and has none of her own – I decided to learn to be by myself –that means without relationships – and learn to know what I enjoy doing, learn to be comfortable being alone and doing things alone, going out shopping, to the movies, living on my own. Yes, maybe I took it to the extreme in terms of the lack of interaction I had with other people – including family and friends – but that’s something I am also now learning to do in terms of not being too extreme in the way that I decide to change things. So, in a nutshell, I call it my monkish period, and as much as in my mind I’ve judged it as a generally ‘bleak’ time, when I recently looked deeper into it to not resent my choices at that time, I see that such years were dedicated to live ‘me’, to know me better, to learn to be alone, to learn to do things that I decide to do – not that someone else ‘takes me’ to do – and there was a sense of independence formed that I would not trade off or change, because it assisted me to see where and how I compromised myself many times for the sake of being in a relationship and existing in fear of ‘losing’ something that I now know was not best for me, was constantly emotional, troublesome and detrimental to my expression and my living.

Then I got to a point where I decided I could establish a relationship again and I did, again looking back not having the best starting point because it did come from having formed an experience of alones at the time, but I tried to make it work nonetheless. I had settled in one relationship believing I could change the person, conforming in certain ways to make it work and taking the compromise lightly to say the least, not fully being aware of the commitment that I was making at the time and the challenges it represented. But I wanted to make it work for both of us, which didn’t happen. At least I proved to myself that I could fully and absolutely commit to another and still see that even if I am doing all that I can to assist and be ‘there’ for another, it takes two to tango to stand on the same page. I broke that relationship even if there were legal formalities formed with it.

After that, I had a few months to yes go through the sorrow, pain and ‘disconnection’ process from that relationship but I did decide to enter a new relationship after that; though fortunately enough did still have the opportunity to be alone and process through all of the things that I had accepted and allowed – created – in the previous relationship. But still, I do consider that I went ahead too fast and without much consideration of the implication of making such decisions not only for myself, but for the other person as well. This year I repeated the same, because of not having had that needed time to ground myself around relationships and one thing I can tell is that unless one has an understanding partner that has full awareness of the previous relationship patterns, it can be a disaster recipe to go jumping from one relationship to another.

I was in a way fortunate that my partner was understanding of it all, not that he approves of what I’ve done and my relationship habits, but again, he is aware and he made a decision to stand with me anyways and understood that I had things to process from my previous relationships at the same time as starting a new one. The thing that I want to share is how it’s not a bright idea to not give oneself time to be alone after a relationship ends, it can lead to not fully considering things in terms of what one is able to commit to and the effect it may have by making a decision without proper time for reflection, for personal assessment of the mistakes, the things allowed, the points that one needs to self-forgive and work through, because it does ‘filter’ or ‘spill through’ to the new relationship and it may lead to ruin if one does not handle the situation with proper sense of responsibility and communicating about it and again, having a partner that can understand and not take it personally either.

So from my recent experience, this kind of situation led to a great amount of stress that I became unaware of – apparently – and I became sick or having certain health issues almost on a regular basis for the past months. This can also be a narrow perspective on my health situation, but this is what I’ve concluded recently, that I put myself under a lot of stress because of the decisions I made in relation to relationships, where not being honest with myself and towards others led me to compromise myself and that became an ingredient to constantly be thinking of guilt, burdening myself with the ‘wrong doings’ while at the same time starting a new relationship and opening up all the potentials that this entails. It’s not a great thing to walk an ending and a beginning simultaneously – point learned.

I would not be able to share this from a clearer view currently if it wasn’t for the process that I did to self-forgive myself for my decisions, my actions and mistakes,  my short-sights and also forgiving myself for the damage caused to others by my lack of consideration or selfishness that this kind of situations entail. However, I also understood that there’s no point in continuing to flagellate myself emotionally, all that I can do is learn from it and know that I cannot repeat this kind of behavior again in my life, or I’d be simply falling again into my old patterns that I’ve worked on already. I did judge myself because of wanting to ‘make things right’ and ‘work through it’ and in a way being in disbelief that I could have managed to ‘repeat myself’ in patterns that I thought I had changed over the ‘monkish’ phase of being alone and without relationships – but, as I now know, I cannot be sure that something is entirely ‘clear’ and ‘transcended’ within me at all, it always takes a daily – constant – decision to act in the way that is right, that is supportive, that is considering consequences, that is responsible and self-honest for myself and for others that I have an effect on.

Currently I assess my situation on a constant basis when it comes to my relationship, because it has enabled me to see where I could be compromising myself or constructively compare how I have now seen that I was compromising myself before when trying to ‘be’ something for someone else in a relationship.  When I decided to be in this relationship, I did take the time to consider who I wanted to be in it and what would be of myself IF the relationship simply doesn’t work, knowing I could stand on my own two feet as well. So, I might have taken a ‘big risk’ considering  the rushed and somewhat risky decision making processes I’ve taken in the past without much ‘thought’ into my relationships, but this time I did make sure to entirely be ‘me’ making the decision and fully taking the responsibility for what I decide to make of it. 

I did take the time to assess the person, even if it was a relative short amount of time of doing this, there were characteristics that stood out for me enough to consider how this could work through, which included sharing with him the process I’ve walked with relationships, the weaknesses, the mistakes I’ve made, the dishonesties, the repetitive patterns I’ve had and that I still have such points to work through for me, to reestablish my self-trust in relationships – with all the past disclosed – and this is now where I can prove to myself that I can stand in an equal manner in loyalty, honor, respect and integrity that such person has given to himself throughout his life, which I am currently learning a lot from as well.

It is not my position to share his views here, but in a way I do want to do it, because he’s that person I mentioned at the beginning that has been known by everyone – and himself – to not desire a relationship or ‘lust’ over women at all. Everyone had always asked him when he would have a relationship and he always said that wasn’t something he was looking for, explicitly not interested on because he knew himself as a different kind of person that would find it hard to find a woman that could ‘stand’ through his ways of living life and the principles he has. He just wanted to work and focus on bettering his life. Well, that kind of approach led him to learn to live and be for himself the best that he can be. He is probably one of the few people I know that loves himself and regards himself as a self-made man that wasn’t always dedicated and hardworking to get to be who he is now, but made a decision to step out of the shadows and strive to do what he was told was ‘impossible’ for him to achieve. That sort of strength made him aware of his capacity and potential, which is part of the characteristics that I saw made him a ‘whole’ man already, not really looking or searching or being ‘needy’ for anything or anyone to ‘complete’ him or make him feel ‘better’ about himself.

This is how he considers that most people should not constantly go jumping from one relationship to another, but be able to be alone even for the rest of their lives if necessary, because they are not yet the best for and towards themselves. This view is perceived as too ‘extreme’ by his friends, but I’ve come to understand his point based on what he has lived and what I have lived and the consequences I’ve faced because of having held this constant belief that ‘I need to be in a relationship’ and the outflow this has. I’m not saying that this is how it’s supposed to be, but simply different ways to approach the relationships. Mine was more ‘trial and error’ and yes causing consequences for me and for others, his was more of a holistic approach of deciding to be in a relationship if and when the right person would exist for that.

Of course, he is now in a relationship and that may seem contradictory for many, but he explains how this is the first relationship he’s ever had – and took it to the level of absolute commitment and responsibility, which has led him to explore and open up many more ways of enjoyment in life, more than the ones that he already had been living on his own. I don’t want to sound like I’m praising him, but I do want to share  this because I’ve noticed how many strengths are built through deciding to be ‘the best for you’, to learn to be a man – or a woman – for oneself first, to learn to love, care, be the joy of our own lives instead of expecting something or someone to come and ‘save us’ or ‘fulfill’ our lives in one way or another. So, his usual perspective or ‘advice’ to anyone is to learn to be alone and learn to be ok with themselves, letting go of the notion of needing a relationship – and even better, to not participate or create a habit in desiring sex or porn or that sort of mental-masturbation in relation to women – or the opposite sex – at all, which leads to a genuine discovery of physical expression in a relationship, probably something that most people ‘seek out’ through mind stimulation and my take is that this pollutes or ‘disconnects’ us from the ‘hereness’, the physical development of actual touch and clear-mindedness so to speak required in a developing a physical relationship. This is not only related to sexual expression, but also in relation to fully focusing on being with the one person you decide to be with and not entertaining any thoughts, ideas, beliefs or glances at something or ‘someone else out there’ that ‘could be better’ than the relationship one has decided to be in.

What I’ve gathered from my time with him is how it truly takes that sort of diligence to honor and respect oneself and not exist solely for the idea of a ‘relationship’ as something to ‘get to’ or ‘find’ as an absolute goal in one’s life. It seems that as one focuses and works on fulfilling oneself and becoming that person that one enjoys looking at in the mirror – and not only for appearance level – but for the person one shapes of oneself – then one simply aligns with people that are on that same ‘track’ so to speak in their life, and that’s how you meet and realize that it is something that can work as a betterment platform for both, which was my approach as well when deciding to establish this relationship. We both agreed that this was going to be a relationship of two fulfilled individuals walking together, me knowing that if I decide to no longer be in the relationship, he’s not going to be ‘needing’ me as such, but will continue his life and endeavors as usual and vice versa – communication and understanding and assessment at any time.  The relative ease with which this agreement-  as he also called it – was able to be established is simply because of seeing the affinity in our ways of thinking and living and our principles and the way of living as well as our aims in life. I am fully aware some of my views are not that ‘popular’ with regular people, because they may sound too ‘out there’ or ‘difficult to achieve’- but not for him.  Then it is simply like two notes resonating at the same level that consider they can join in and create a harmony that will better the sound in each other’s life – and that’s what it currently is and has been.

There are so many more things that I’ve been learning about myself in relation to him in that have opened my eyes to see what kind of limitations I was making ‘ok’ within previous relationships, where and how I was not being honest with myself and rather molding or making myself ‘comfortable ‘about things that I wasn’t entirely willing to live with, but made it all ‘ok’ because of the idea that no one can be perfect and that I would always have to kind of ‘struggle’ in a relationship – now I know it doesn’t have to be this way. And I’m not saying this is currently perfect, but now I know that there can be people that can be at that same level of self-awareness and self will to live a different life than most people, which is what I’m here to do in this world, to continue cutting through the mold and not limit my expression, my ‘wacky’ way of being that I have come to re-ignite and rediscover within myself, something that makes me enjoy life more and something that I had judged as ‘not fit’ for everyone’s taste and so believing I had to be more ‘accommodating’ for others. In a nutshell, I’ve come to be aware of self-compromise, which is also one  tendency I’ve had in relationships where I kind of sink into the background and mold myself to fit into the idea of who I believe the other person wants me to be – even if this is most of the times my own projection.

The bottom line is that even if one can make ‘mistakes’ in relationships, the point is to always learn more about oneself, to use each opportunity one has to share one’s life and expression with another to learn more about who we are with each person, and yes unfortunately at times getting to also know the ‘darker’ aspects of ourselves – not to be turned into something necessarily bad or evil – simply recognizing that there are things that may be subtle at first but eventually build up or accumulate to compromise, to diminish ourselves even in the most ‘unnoticeable’ ways and I say ‘unfortunately’ – yet at the same time, I would not have known otherwise if I had not made mistakes and learned to see where I truly want to be in terms of standing in a relationship with someone else, first of all checking – on a constant basis – not to limit, diminish or compromise me in order to ‘be’ in a relationship as a need point.

So, having said this, I now realize that as painful, troublesome and consequential it is, mistakes allow us to also see the paths that we don’t want to follow through. Sure, it’s best when we can identify this earlier on and not have situations escalate and have more consequential breakups, but I now see that this is something quite specific for me to face based on the life that I had lived before I started this process with Desteni, my ‘processing’ done in that alone time and how I do realize how easy it is to slip back into old programming if not fully considering one’s actions and acting again on a ‘whim’ so to speak, making decisions without giving myself time to know first of all where I stand and then where I would want to stand in relation to someone else.

Based on my experience and the example I shared about my partner and how he led his life, I see that the best thing one can do is to give oneself time to learn to BE for oneself, to learn to truly love and appreciate yourself first, to be that one person that you can enjoy living with so that no matter who you join your life with – or not at all – you continue being whole and complete by yourself, so that 1+1 equals 2 instead of being existing as a half that seeks another half to create a codependent relationship that most likely ends up in compromise, diminishment and harm towards one another.

A relationship is a platform of support to become a better person, to grow, to learn from each other, to communicate openly without holding back or secrets, to express openly, to test and try new ways of living and expressing without judgment, to walk through disagreements and challenges with understanding – but! to do all of these great things takes a lot of self-work first, otherwise we base our entire ‘wellbeing’ on another person ‘all of this’ for us, and that’s where the fuckup usually is. So! Self first, always, then the rest of the people or situations that may come into our live become opportunities of expansion, a complement that can be beneficial not only for the people in the relationship but also for those that surround the relationship and for whatever is created within the relationship, which becomes an example of what a supportive relationship can be in a world where most exist in consequences and conflict – my personal view and experience here.

Ok so that’s it, again, listen to the Eqafe recordings, they are a great eye opener to understand more of what I shared here as my ups and downs, my faults, my points to learn and correct through relationships.

Can also learn to do this through the Relationship Course in Desteni which assisted me to ground many of the foundations that I now realize have to be lived in a very disciplined way of establishing self-honesty within self, otherwise they become nice principles on paper only – as always, the key is to live it and REALLY stick to Doing it.

Thanks for reading

 

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478. Want Transparency and Integrity? Let’s BE It

Or how to start becoming the solution to all lies and deception within our very own minds

There was a great opening by Cerise and Joe to consider how it would be for every person in our lives to know about what we have thought, imagined, fantasized in absolute detail doing or saying to them throughout our entire life and then asking ourselves if knowing all of this would change the way they see us, and if we would be able to face them without shame or guilt.

The ‘scary’ thought of this implies right off the bat: we got a ton to work on in relation to developing self-honesty which means acknowledging our very own thoughts, every fantasy or imagination, every experience created by ourselves as a form of self-interest where we only consider ourselves but never really give too much of a thought about that person that we are ‘thinking, gossiping, judging, fantasizing’ about in any way – positive or negative, same thing – because for the most part we’ve believed that these things do not affect others, but it’s become quite clear that we cage each other in our own ideas, beliefs, perceptions about others which we synthesize as a form of judgment, backchat, reaction towards another that we then turn into behaviors, ways of ‘treating’ a person which means, we make of those opinions a ‘very real’ representation of the other person in our minds, which then defines how we treat them/see them/acknowledge them, where we justify whatever we are doing onto ‘them’ because it seems righteous, because we believe ‘that’s who They are’ – but, considering that every single person would be able to see and get to know the exact detail of everything I have ever thought about them in my mind, it would surely be a daunting consideration, but to be honest I’ve been hearing the words ‘all will be known’ for close to 9 years now and this has definitely been a factor to curb my ‘self-entertainment’ in a continuous  way related to how and what I think about others.

However this does not mean it is entirely done and sorted out in me, not at all. I’ve faced many forms of challenges in relation to what I think, perceive, judge or react to in others, and the truth is that I many times don’t immediately stand on my ground of self-responsibility to rather see what are these thoughts, judgments, fantasies or experiences revealing about myself. I actually had been considering this for the past couple of days and here to answer the question, I do consider that people would definitely react upon seeing whatever I have thought or perceived about them, because we are not really taught to deal with such perceptions/imaginations about others in our minds as the expression of those that think or fantasize about it and that in no way does it really define ‘who we are’ – meaning, in any case, anything I have thought, gossiped, idealized, imagined, judged, reacted about towards ‘others’ is in fact defining myself and only myself as aspects or parts of myself that I have to work on, but that we as human beings conveniently usually deflect to ‘others’ in an attempt to dodge self-responsibility and self-reflection, which usually stems from wanting to see ourselves under a the light of ‘being a good person.’

Here then, I have pondered many times throughout the years about a potential situation in this world where we could suddenly have all the ‘veils of the mind’ lifted from ourselves in one go and all the chaos that would possibly ensue if we were to suddenly see every single detail of anything that every person we know – or don’t even know – but get to know of have had such imaginations, fantasies, judgments, opinions about ourselves, and how that could ensue like a real ‘world war’ if we don’t get to settle ourselves to understand how everything that we ‘think’ – imagine, perceive, judge, fantasize, react to – about another is in fact our own expression, judgments, ideas, perceptions and that in no way does it really define ‘another’ but ourselves.

That realization is usually an ‘ouch’ experience to most where we’d like to think that we ‘have a right’ to think of another in our heads ‘whatever we want’ with some sort of power to judge, criticize, fantasize about in whichever way – this is certainly a timely situation to consider that we don’t, and that no matter what we do, we’ll face each and every single person in our lives that we have ever had those thoughts about and walk every one of those relationships – no matter how menial – into a point of correction. That’s what our Life Reviews will be about.

So, I’ll share here how through walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness, I have already had my own taste of shame, regret, embarrassment and a personal experience of wanting to ‘dig a hole’ for my own head upon reviewing some of the most shameful things I’ve done, thought or fantasized about in my  mind about others. I am sure I haven’t walked through them all, but it is so that in those moments I have also projected possible scenarios where if I would face those people again, I would ask forgiveness and explain ‘where I was’ at the time of my life where I was creating those ideas, reactions, perceptions ‘about them’ – and in several occasions how I acted the way I did toward them, how my decisions were influenced by all of this mental chatter – and how I eventually found out all of it was in fact about myself only; I would share how I have learned to assist myself to correct these judgments, ideas, thoughts or participations so that we can stop recreating this ‘invisible world’ of lies and deception that we allow to exist in our minds towards another, but we don’t dare to actually confront and lay out before another to be honest about one’s own experience and walk a process of self-honesty to realize oneself as the origin and creator of those reactions that we are simply projecting or imposing upon others as ‘who we believe they are’ – when they are then, in fact, not.

Would they decide to change the way they see me upon knowing all of this? Considering how most of us operate in our minds, I’m sure it would create a lot of rifts in a relationship, because we haven’t learned to not take things personally, but we always are quick to believe that ‘that which another said about me defines me’ and forget all about questioning the creator of such judgment in the first place. So it would be quite expected and normal to walk through a phase of having all of those people suddenly see me with ‘bad eyes’ and then it would be my responsibility to acknowledge where and how have I worked on taking responsibility for those things said or fantasized about another and accordingly go working on my own responsibility about them through self-forgiveness and so walking a process of self-correction.

Would I be able to face them without shame or guilt? As I explained above, most likely not, even if I am not ‘technically’ seeing the people I have been reviewing memories or situations of my past – including ‘recent present’ – in my mind in order to process it, take responsibility for it in my head, I have felt such shame, regret, embarrassment and guilt many times before. But at the same time, I’ve learned how it can only be a temporary experience really, and it’s up to me to make of this shame more of a transitory learning experience rather than a self-bashing and self-judgment process that then becomes another layer of judgment for me to process. I’ve created a reminder to myself to not fall prey of ‘double-judgment’ where one judges oneself for the judgments, beliefs, perceptions one has created about another… it’s definitely easier to acknowledge the point, and yes it sometimes it may be impossible to not go through shame, guilt, regret, but here I can stand as my own surety so that it doesn’t become a form of emotional manipulation for me to not continue seeing my responsibility in it all, but step out of that belief that I become ‘less’ in acknowledging my faults, my own judgments – and so see how it is actually only a point of self-respect and integrity that I decide to build and create as myself when deciding to acknowledge my own creation of those parts of myself that I have the power – as in being capable and able – to change them for and by myself.

A very important reminder that has assisted me quite a bit lately is the realization that what defines a person is not ‘all that they have been’ in their past, but more like how we decide to stand up from ‘the past’ that we’ve been and become. It’s only us that hold ourselves/each other as prisoners of our own past perceptions, judgments and beliefs, leading us nowhere really other than recreating the same illusions of separation that are able to be self-forgiven, taken responsibility with the purpose to change the way that we stand in our minds, the way that we ‘use’ our minds and so in turn, changing how we interact towards others.

A practical reminder for me is precisely to consider how every single thought, word and deed Is part of who I am, my creation, therefore I have to be accountable for it all, because how I face and confront those challenges – such as suddenly people finding out all about how I ‘thought’ of them – is what defines me, and so I have to remind myself that no matter how ‘awful’ some of these points might be, what defines me is who I decide to be from now on that I acknowledge that aspect/part of myself that requires a direction, that requires my responsibility to change because of seeing, real time, that it is not at all supportive to remain in my own denial of these parts of myself if I am a person that is craving or even demanding transparency in this world.

If I am ‘demanding’ transparency and integrity, the ‘truth’ out there, we have to start by creating these words, living these words within ourselves. I bet that none of us that have desired this to exist in our ‘world systems’ have considered to what extent the solution resides in the very secret corridors of our minds and all those accumulated experiences toward people around us, people that we see on our ‘screens’, people that we interact with on a regular basis either in a very personal or impersonal manner… I personally would like to see the day where we could eventually see everything of each other, because then it would be so in our face to recognize that no one can claim innocence in not having ever gossiped, fantasized or judged another; we all have done it in various degrees and the way to start getting a taste of what it would mean to live in a transparent world with integrity is by reviewing all of those judgments that we have created or fantasized about in relation to others, take responsibility for it in recognizing it as or own creation, as our own acceptance and allowance that doesn’t define ‘that other person’ or situation, but ourselves entirely.

And so the only ‘salvation’ that exists here is truly self-forgiveness, no doubt about it. How else could we give ourselves a second chance to face these very grim, dark or despicable aspects of ourselves if we didn’t give ourselves the ability to stand up from it, learn from our mistakes and ensure that we stand ‘hands clean’ from now on in order to not recreate/repeat those same patterns toward other people, but instead develop the practice of ‘placing a guard in front of our mouths and minds’ as in being more aware of what we think, say, do, fantasize or react towards another about, and make sure that we know we are defined by what we believe is ‘defining another’ that we are projecting these thoughts upon.

It is all about self-reflection and in that, we will then be able to not only actively change the way that we interact, live and create our societies, but also at the same time stop the ‘sins of the fathers’ in relation to this deception, hypocrisy, judgments, fears in relation to others, so that we can start becoming self-accountable beings that don’t require a ‘thought police’ to be punished for some ‘bad thoughts’ about others that we turn into heinous acts or crimes – we can then know exactly what we nurture or feed within ourselves, we can exactly decide who we are in every moment in relation to another and ensure that we can stand ‘at the end of time’ clear and self-corrected in relation  to those thoughts, those judgments or experiences towards ‘others’ that, ultimately, are in fact also ourselves anyways – equal and one.

This is actually a very cool subject to bring to our awareness because it is through ‘dropping the veil’ of seeing another as a ‘separate me’ that we can start realizing how much of what we believe is ‘done onto another’ is always done to oneself – abuse, is always Self-abuse. Therefore, doing this exercise, practically, can assist us in becoming more comfortable and closer to the actual truth of ourselves, which is by default not something nice, pretty and pure – we all have our aspects and parts of ourselves to change and correct. Here then, we must not see guilt, same, regret or embarrassment as the solution, nor as a ‘way out’ of actually sorting out these points in us – these reactions are but distractors if they remain a bit too long as our experience – we have to walk through our creation and take responsibility, it’s the least we can do after we’ve ‘fired those bullets’ existing as harmful thoughts and experiences ‘shot’ at others.

Once the trigger is pulled, there’s no going back. But fortunately, with what goes on in our minds, we can at least correct it, ensure we don’t act upon it or recreate it any longer and more so, ensure we don’t take such thoughts or experiences about another into an actual bullet that maims another’s life. We can remind ourselves of this every time that we believe it’s ‘easy’ to imagine stuff, to think stuff and believe it all goes ‘away with the wind’ because ‘it’s only thoughts’ but nope, it’s all here, recorded in the very physical day to day life that we walk through in this world.

So, let’s define ourselves by having the guts to acknowledge and recognize our creation, by deciding to walk through all of these judgments towards ‘others’ and claim them back as our own creation that ‘defines us’ until we decide to also change those reactions about ourselves into something that is genuinely supportive for our lives, that can stand as a building block of the self that we are willing to stand by and with for the rest of our existence.

If we want a world that is no longer ‘full of lies,’ we have to stop lying and deceiving ourselves with an image or belief of ‘being a good person’ – none of us have really been so if we have ever allowed but one single thought about another in a compromising or harmful situation. Food for self-reflection, because it’s more honorable to take a step forward and say ‘I’ve done that, that’s me’ than giving a step back and running away with an idea of ‘I’d never dare to do something like that!’ – that’s a choice right there into self-honesty or self-dishonesty, all up to us – but let’s be aware that each decision we make defines our present, who we are and by all means defines the nature of the future that we are co-creating for ourselves and generations to come.

I’d say, it’s time to stand up with courage and claim ownership of our own lies, so that we can then take responsibility and gift those parts back to ourselves as words that we want to live within and toward others in our lives.

Thanks for reading

 

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446.Facing our Dark Self: For the New to Grow, the Old Must Go

 

Self honesty is not nice or beautiful – Bernard Poolman

 

Facing the dark self or the ‘real nature of ourselves’ that we keep hidden and well wrapped behind a usual seemingly ‘good’ portrayal of ourselves is something that can be a bit tough to do or even understand for some that are not yet in a process of walking and understanding the process of self-honesty, yet at the same time I’m sure there are people in this world that are quite in contact with themselves and through investigating their within and without behind layers of self-deception, might have found that there is no connection between the idea that we like to keep of ourselves as ‘good people’ and our creations, which are our lives, our relationships and the state of this world.

 

The consequences we are facing overall in our lives personally and collectively show us that ‘the image of goodness’ we like to keep of ourselves is merely that, an image, a façade for the most part because in reality, the proof is in the pudding: we have not really created a world any of us can be genuinely and entirely proud of.

 

If we were genuinely ‘good’ we would not be currently waking up to the need for change and better ourselves in a plethora of aspects, and this is yes maybe still a fraction of the population that is looking at it in a direct manner, but over the years it has now become a normal thing to talk about change and bettering our world, self-improvement, changing our ‘ways’ in our lives. There is this general awareness that ‘we must do something’ because the very life in our bodies and so on Earth is in danger due to our skewed ways of ‘living’ in this world.

 

Why do I write ‘living’? because we actually haven’t learned to live in a way that assists our lives and life in general, we have only existed as an existential consequential outflow that has become our current reality, where we mostly complain, blame and see the problem ‘outside of ourselves’ but rarely do we ever dare to see where the nature of the problem resides: within oneself first of all.

 

Recently a new phase in this process has opened up where there will be more openings and explanations on this ‘dark self’ nature, to start seeing and rather un-covering up all of those aspects of ourselves that we have suppressed, neglected, denied, hid, judged and dissociated ourselves from, not wanting to look at and investigate all the seemingly ‘negative’ or ‘bad’ or ‘plain awful’ in ourselves. However, we haven’t really noticed how this ‘opening of eyes’ – perhaps the actual ‘apocalypse’ as in removing of the veil’ of our eyes to really see ourselves – that is taking place individually and collectively is a very necessary yes, ‘bitter truth’ or ‘uncomfortable truth’ phase that we have to wake up to and step into in order to from there, in firm ground and after facing one’s own ‘personal demons’ start taking the necessary steps to change and reverse the self-destructive trend we have been living up to in our lives, within and without.

It’s a actually a mindfully smart trap of self-sabotage, where we don’t realize that through digging out these points and ‘placing them on the table’ for us to see and become aware of, it is not merely doing so for shock value or to add on more judgment in the form of seeing how ‘bad we really are’ and create a drama about it, nope. We bring these points to the surface to understand them.

This is such a pivotal word: understanding, a key one I’d say when it comes to everything that we are facing in our lives and in our process – individually and globally – where we get terrified at the ‘horrors’ that are taking place in our day to day lives, but we keep it at that ‘shock value’ and squirm about it, become sad about it, become angry at others for it, but… do we actually take a moment to reflect on the nature of what’s going on ‘outside’ of ourselves and see how it is a reflection of all of the stuff we have left to ‘rot’ in the back of our minds, with no awareness, no direction and no solution given to it all, but only creating consequences that affect us all? Well, now that most of us have done it for lifetimes on, it is about time that we all get to know that it is through self-investigation as in writing it out, self-forgiving it and in doing so developing self-honesty to realize the responsibility we have toward ourselves and everything/everyone that is equally here, that we in fact take the reins of our lives because we will understand ‘why’ we did what we did, why we became what we became, why we are walking this process right now and at the same time apply all the necessary tools of self-support that we can use to lay out a plan, what to do from here, ‘where to go from here’ too, which is to create ourselves in a way that we are of course willing to live with for the rest of our existence.

 

Being unconditional throughout this ‘self-discovery’ process is also important which is to not expect a result or ‘something’ out of this exercise, but only doing so as a way to see oneself with a pair of eyes of self-understanding to then create self-awareness and so then see where we need to ‘work on ourselves’ in order to do the next steps to truly create a change within that lasts, that is real and genuine.

 

I’ve also seen how in our minds, we just don’t really want to ‘face the music’ meaning, diving into and uncovering these usually hidden, closed up, buried aspects of ourselves because: of how we judge them! What I’ve seen is that we don’t realize that stepping into this momentarily ‘uncomfortable’ spot of ‘facing the music’ is in fact a phase, a momentary yet necessary step to start seeing the reality of ourselves in order to create anything new as an improved version of ourselves within and so without.

 

As the saying goes: ‘In order to build the new, the old must go’ and sometimes we believe that we can start a process of change by only ‘tip-toeing’ around it, only doing bits here and there on the surface, stuff that is not really ‘too revealing’ or too seemingly ‘compromising’ to one’s idea of self, which is usually that of being a ‘good person’… instead of realizing that such stance toward one’s self-investigation and self-change process will only prolong everything, because if one really wants to plant a ‘new seed,’ one has to completely uproot the old/dying plants/trees and make space to grow the new. So, the same way one goes uprooting the old trees, removing the weeds, sometimes finding rotting stuff around and essentially just like with any cleaning process of an ‘old storage place’ or even one’s closet at times – lol –  it can be a bit of a nightmare. One looks at the ‘whole of the work to be done’ and it’s like we immediately want to cover our eyes, pretend it’s not there, procrastinate or postpone getting to clean it up, create a resistance to ‘get on with the cleaning process’… and I see this whole process of facing the ‘deep dark corridors’ of ourselves and directing ourselves to look more in the face of our real truth as that process where we start ‘the clean up’ and sure, it’s not nice at the beginning, even more so if one has just used one space up as a form of mental dumpster, but for now imagine it as a physical storage space where everything seems to be clogged around with trash and things to dispose, things to clean up and re-use, going through a selective process of what stays, what needs to go, what needs to be fixed…. I actually did that some months ago in one storage area and yes, it wasn’t fun at first, it didn’t take ‘5 minutes’ either, but it was worth it, because now the space is more in order and usable as well.

The same then applies to facing this ‘dark self:’ opening up ourselves to see our ‘real nature’ that we might not even be aware of yet – in certain cases –  might not be such a pleasant thing to do, might not be a ‘ride in the park’ either but it is also a momentary phase, a needed phase if one truly wants to ‘let go of the old in order to allow the new to flourish.’ I mean it’s common sense really, one doesn’t really want to start cooking in dirty pots, one would not want to have one’s body full of viruses in the moment of deciding to get pregnant and have a baby in, one would not want one’s room to be having dirty clothes lying around and pests forming from food residues while one tries to place on a new carpet and bed on top of it…. Same goes for our minds.

 

And this is not something that will only take the ‘personal clean-up’ either and be done with it, no, this goes hand in hand with at the same time and as we face our deep fears, secrets, grudges, personal traits, envies, guilt, sadness, depression, anger, hatred, cheatings, betrayals etc. at the same time we also hold those points now in our hands, in front of our face in the form of writing and self-forgiveness in order to become aware of it: we no longer create a relationship of avoidance, of fear and judgment toward it, but instead we learn to embrace it entirely because, it is in fear and judgment that we in fact separate ourselves from all of the ‘dark self’ and keep it locked in a seemingly nice suitcase that we drag along throughout our lives, like a heavy load of ‘dirty laundry’ that one carries as the ‘who I am in my secret mind’ without actually going and doing the laundry.

This is an analogy to explain how we need to start ‘doing our laundry’ for once and for all, take the ‘bull by the horns’, step out of our comfort ‘good person’ zone and be willing to see this truth of ourselves that not only will show all the seemingly ‘bad stuff’ or ‘evil’ within, but at the same time we will get the actual cues or points to then work on and so align/reverse to living principles, to beneficial traits and habits, to supportive outcomes for ourselves and so for others. That is the gift that comes with ‘uprooting the old’, cleaning up the space, preparing the soil/ground in order to grow the new seeds that will give birth to the new trees, that, of course! Won’t be fully grown in a 1,2,3! It will take lots of time and care/support as in nutrients, attention, adaptation for it to grow well; that’s what our whole process is about as well, but this growth and expansion from a seed can only happen if we first make sure that we walk through ‘the old’, the ‘baggage of the past’ that we are unreasonably keeping within us as this form of mental masochism really, because we have the tools of self-forgiveness, self honesty and living words to precisely be able to forgive ourselves for all of that, no matter how ‘bad’ it may seem, no matter how painful it might be to realize what one has been and become: let’s realize it’s only a memory now, it’s only an emotional experience, we can’t remediate what’s done, but we surely can focus on who we are and what we want to ‘grow’ ourselves to be.We only have ourselves to do this work for us.

 

A suggestion – that goes for me and everyone that reads this – is: not to fear diving into the core of oneself, not to fight or resist questioning one’s ‘absolute benevolence’ in a pious act of ‘awareness’, not to be reluctant or resist doing the actual ‘clean up’ that is necessary to continue growing and expanding as a real living being. I know for a fact our hold to the past only diminishes our capacity and potential if we don’t entirely let it go/self-forgive and correct it, so that no matter how ‘awful’ this might seem, I’d rather choose to walk through this ‘uncomfortable’ spot for a moment and then be actually free/liberated from all of that stuff, than holding onto it and continuing limiting myself, my potential and so others’ as well.

It’s only our judgments, our fears, our personal idea of keeping oneself only in a ‘good light’ as being only a ‘good person’ that truly prevent us from actually developing self-honesty, to face the ‘not nice and not pretty’ side of ourselves. This benevolent idea of oneself is what has kept the same problems intact, because of fearing opening ourselves up, to access our truth, to dare and say for once and for all “ok what is existent within me, how did I get to create this?” And so realize that we actually got all we need to correct it, to align it, to change ourselves.

This is actually a phase in our lives that I am grateful to be living in, because now I understand what ‘real change’ implies.  I cannot fathom what my life would be without being aware of all the history of ourselves, the actual explanation of who we are, what we are we doing here, why this process exists, how our minds/bodies and beingness functions, all the life hacks and keys to walk this process that is shared/published on a biweekly basis on Eqafe.com, I seriously would not be here and writing all of this if I didn’t have access to all of that support and information that I essentially nurture myself with on a constant basis to continue learning every time how to live and be the best version of myself I can be.

This process is truly a gift to oneself, I know it may sound much of a prefabricated note but I can truly say it from having been ‘at it’ for some time and seeing the benefits of it every single day. Walking the Desteni I Process is a genuine life investment that won’t ‘go down’ with the dollar, or devaluate as your real state or your latest car – lol – but this is an investment for a lifetime and dare I say, even beyond that.

So! Buckle up your seat belt, gather some courage to discover one’s self-honesty and not be ashamed, fearful or judgmental about what one may find within oneself, it’s been said throughout time to ‘know thyself’ and that means ‘go deep, my friend’ because the benefit from doing so is actual self-empowerment

 

Thanks for reading

 

Give your first steps to do this with the Free Course DIP Lite version, test yourself!

 

Suggested interviews:

  1. Dark Self: True Nature of Self – Atlanteans – Part 440
  2. Time: Is Time Real? – Atlanteans – Part 441
  3. Time: Time & Me – Atlanteans – Part 442

 

Fallen Angel

 

Learn HOW to start doing this yourself :


388. Regretting Choices and Definitions

 

Continuing from:

 

Self Forgiveness on:

I require to open up – again – the relationship with art. I’ve noticed that I created some sort of past bad relationship experience with it, similar to the ones that I’ve had with people throughout my life wherein there were things unsaid, situations undirected and just cutting it up from one day to another without further communication. I realize I’ve done this with art creation and the general regret I’ve had in terms of the decision I took some 8 years ago to go to art school and actually drop out from my first choice which was linguistics and which would have probably been a lot more supportive for me to have as a degree than arts, and so there goes regret as well for the choices I made in the delusion of ‘I want to express myself ’ and limit that definition to only ‘arts’ and specifically visual arts. To begin with, a disclaimer here is to understand that I am walking/writing out my frame of mind and that whichever judgment I place here in relation to arts/artists/creative processes in art is what I’ve conjured up throughout time and self-reflection about my decisions in life and in no way does this imply an actual ‘bashing’ as all of these judgments, ideas, perceptions, conceptions will be self-forgiven.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the moment of creating something as an image, a picture, a painting as something rather ‘pointless’ and useless in which ‘I have wasted my time’ and in this generating the overall idea that ‘doing art’ is a waste of time – without looking at how I began to define what I would do as ‘art work’ as ‘meaningless’ and ‘pointless’ when I began to understand my motives, my purpose behind ‘being an artist’ myself – wherein I wanted to Define ME according to my creation, according to every single drawing, painting, photograph, video or any other creation that would be part of my ego-construction as the ‘who I believe myself to be’ and all of this based on the premise of ‘me wanting to be famous’ or ‘me wanting to be recognized as special and unique’ and so, when the time came for me to debunk myself, my own ego-construction of ‘who I am’ as ‘an artist,’ then all of the experiences and definitions that I had attached onto painting, drawing, doing anything creative even with words, photographs, videos… all of it I then judged as ‘useless’ or ‘pointless’ because they were not going to fulfill My idea of what these things were meant to be doing For Me before, which was ‘building my ego.’ And as such, when I stop participating in the creation of my ego through my artworks and my so called ‘special vision’ I then create a polarity relationship toward my creations because I could no longer see them as unique or special or anything like that, and instead of seeing them just for the matter/materials and arrangements that they are, I went into an opposite experience defining these creations as pointless, egotistical and useless without realizing the polarity judgments I was creating based on having first defined artistic creations with all positive experiences such as a genuine representation and expression of who I am, and what I want to express to the world – which came with the imprint of ‘me’ as special and unique. So this is to identify the polarity relationship I created based on my own definitions

I realize that therefore the experience that I’ve generated toward ‘art’ in general doesn’t provide a solution to the problems in this world – and within this generalizing what ‘art’ is based on what expectations I didn’t get fulfilled for myself within the relationship formed toward Art itself, and this is how it is no different to how we can ‘call names’ to something or someone that doesn’t satisfy us based on the ideals that we created about it, yet I didn’t work on in order to manifest these ideals into reality either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want ‘art’ to be and become this ‘tool’ with which I can ‘change the world,’ without realizing that I then caged myself within my own intentions, definitions and purpose I gave to ‘art’ in itself – instead of myself – and as such, when I saw that these aims and purposes were not ‘fulfilled’ in a rather noticeable manner or ‘short span,’ then I simply gave it up because I realized that there were other ways to make this process of self-change more tangible and noticeable other than paintings, drawings, little videos or else as these creations were mostly born within the intention of myself as ego, as the idea of being able to create a name for myself and be glorified by it and missing out the entire point that I now see is more relevant, which is not self-glorification but to utilize our skills, our talents to provide a key for others to start questioning reality and start considering another way in which we are able to live and as such, change the world in a practical manner, which begins within self;

I initially have had certain ideas imprinted within my decision to create art which were among others to evade the world – without realizing one cannot really do this – being able to become a special/unique individual with this amazing vision of the world – and within this, I decided to rather focusing on myself, my own deconstruction of the ego I had become and reconstruct myself as an individual that can genuinely be and become an example of what it is to focus on what matters in this world within the principle of doing what’s best for everyone, what can create and generate actual changes in this world and within this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘art’ as being unable to do this, and this is where I clarify that it is not that ‘art’ in itself isn’t able to do the work, as it is ourselves as human beings the ones that are responsible for using whichever tools and means we have and see can be effective to share a message with others and provide solutions to our lives within our minds where we usually only see problems and conflicts.

I realize that I had delegated some kind of ‘magic power’ to art to be this transformational tool that can in itself ‘change people’s lives’ which is rather pretentious, non realistic and even with bits of spiritual approach that I had initially also commenced with in my relationship with art as well – therefore I now see, realize and understand that art in any of it forms or definitions for that matter, can be used as a tool to support the realization of ourselves as human beings, to portray the problems and the solutions that we can all give direction to – but in no way can I expect this ‘thing’ or ‘concept’ as ‘art’ to do the thing for itself, as it is Always about ourselves human beings being able to give direction to ourselves with using any and all means/media/methods and tools that are existent within our world and societies as of now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of ‘hate’ and ‘love’ toward art – wherein I went in this form of ‘hate’ based on not getting my expected results from it, or being disillusioned from the results I was expecting I would get from it, which is once again wanting this something/someone create some transcendental change for me and others in itself, without realizing that I had to give it direction, make things happen, make things works instead of just hoping or wishing that something like an artistic expression does the work in itself – it can be an aid within the purpose of assisting and supporting ourselves as human beings to ‘wake up’ and realize the work that is required to be done in order to give ourselves direction and responsibility to our world which is our creation – and in this art is not more or less than any other expression or tool or point existing in our reality that has an equal potential of being supportive within our process of self-realization and self-responsibility as equals in this world.

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of ‘love’ toward art based on the Experiences I created within me while working on it: being able to be alone, detached from the world, sinking into my imagination, being able to just ‘forget about the world’ and recreate one of my own within the starting point of someday maybe getting real fame and glory from it, being recognized as this talented unique individual that I had believed myself to be and as such, believing that ‘my thing’ was to do art, just because I wanted to give continuation to this great experience that I was building myself as through the work I was doing.

Within this I realize that it’s not about ‘bashing’ what I’ve done or now see it as pointless or useless as those are all definitions I now see and understand stem from having remained in the polarity opposite of loving it, making it special and unique – so this way I am able to now stand one and equal to any ‘artistic creation’ or ‘artwork’ in itself within the realization that it’s no different to any other thing we have created as human beings – be it a concept, a tool, a house, a business, a baby, an entire world-system – all of these are creations that entailed a creative and intellectual process in them, so that doesn’t make them ‘art works’ per se, because we’ve defined ‘art’ within a specific ‘realm’ of human creations which is how we developed the whole ‘specialness’ around it, wherein if we genuinely expand creation to anything we do, anything we say and think, then we will genuinely live as self-creators of ourselves, our world without having to tag it as ‘work of art’ since it will be a creation within the principles that each one can recognize and embrace individually: self creation in self-awareness, self responsibility, letting go of the pondering process of the individual as ‘special’ and instead focus on our creative, physical abilities that we have as human beings – both physically and mentally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see ‘art’ as no different to any other failed relationship wherein it seemed as if from one day to the other I simply no longer have anything to do with the person or situation and without further communication or understanding of why we parted ways, it’s simply a ‘breakup’ of sorts wherein I have generated the usual experience of ‘not wanting to see the thing or person again’ and overall avoidance toward the point/person in my life as if that was a clear way to deal with it. I realize that this is mostly suppressing the problem, suppressing what caused the breakup and believe that just by not thinking of it or avoiding looking into the point I am doing myself a favor when in fact it’s the opposite – there more I leave it ‘unresolved’ the more it becomes this ‘confusing’ thing, a mulling around that I experience toward the point or person, because I hadn’t clarified or structured my position or stance toward that person or point in my reality and as such I turn it into something I had to overall try and ‘erase’ without further consequence.

I realize now that I cannot ‘hide’ from these type of situations that I believed I had ‘dealt with’ or I had ‘walked through’ in this process in relation to art – as I realize that I hadn’t entirely clarified the self-corrective process in relation to ‘who I am’ toward art or creative process done by myself or others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at times go into a diatribe of should I or shouldn’t I go to see this exhibition or movie or concert just because of seeing it as pointless, useless or a way to ‘activate my excitement’ without realizing that the polarity relationship of resistance was created because of all the definitions I had still held in separation of myself, such as the experiences I’d had when looking at certain paintings or movies or music – and within this believing that I had to ‘quit it’ no different to a drug that I had to let go for once and for all in order to not have to be ‘enticed’ by it once again and ‘get lost’ in it.

Now I see, realize and understand that these ‘fears’ of consequences if I would ‘delve’ into the artistic creation, were all based on the initial Desires I had placed or attributed to art and artistic creations of myself and others – therefore the sole creator of this inner conflict is obviously myself, my mind, my past habits and my apparent inability to conciliate my relationship with art to see it for what it is: matter, colors, sounds, images that I can look at in a way that is no different to appreciating or even enjoying any other part of this reality – and within that if an artistic creation can provide any support to this process of self-realization: that’s great, that’s a ‘plus’ point in relation to what I see is necessary for us to realize in this world – but, in no way does it mean that because an artwork, a film, or certain music aren’t related to a process of self-realization or ‘changing the world’ will it make it useless and pointless as those are solely my own beliefs, projections and even bitterness based on the polarity relationship I had created toward art in this love-hate paradigm, which is absolutely unnecessary once that I realize that it’s all about me letting go of still holding a relationship to art as something ‘special’ as that’s why I then kept separating ‘art’ or ‘artistic creations’ from the rest of the world and reality and people/beings in it, just because in my mind I have developed this judgmental filter toward anything that looks like, sounds like, works like something ‘artistic.’ Lol which is kind of funny and rather contradictory when understanding that separation is created by myself in my mind and I cannot advocate being one and equal to everything if there’s still a special love-hate relationship toward something or someone.

I realize that through stopping participation in judging/defining ‘art’ within a special bubble, then I can rather focus at looking, understanding and comprehending any part of reality including ‘artistic works’ for the human creation it is, for the intent it has and essentially assess that in the same manner and way that I asses a person, a person’s words, any other part of our reality, how we interact, how we create our relationships etc. And this is thus a way to stop holding the specialness-towards-art construct and start seeing it for what it is: another part of our world as our creation that we now have to take responsibility for it all ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret my decision to drop out of my initial first available career as linguistics as I see that that could’ve supported more in relation to processes of education and supporting others to develop effective language in a professional manner – and instead leave to pursue an artistic career that I mostly do not see myself as ‘following through’ with – at least not in such ‘artistic circles’ – because I’ve realized that I have now a direction that I’ve decided to take on in my life which has to do with being able to support myself and other individuals to become self-directive, self-responsible, self-honest human beings that can in turn no matter what we do, where we are, we are able to stand as living principles of self-creation that can be supportive in any field or profession in our lives.

This implies that I let go of the regret, guilt or shame for my choices in life, for the time I’ve perceived as ‘wasted’ or the ‘disillusionment’ that I created toward ‘art’ as a career in itself, which was all created in my mind and as such I take responsibility for it, to see it for what it was and now that I have such studies as foundation, I can also see what I can take from it, what I learned from it that can be implemented within the current process and direction in my life that I’ve decided to take on – and within this, understand my choices in life based on the context and time of my life when I made them. It is rather obvious that If the ‘who I am’ right now was ten years younger, I would have probably made different decisions in my life – however, also making those faux-passes have allowed me to learn from my mistakes and that this is actually stemming from fear of seeing ‘me as an artist as a failure’ because of not completing the whole ‘road to become an artist’ and so

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually create regret about my choices in life, without realizing that it’s actually stemming from me having wanted to ‘take the right road’ from the beginning, not wanting to fail, not wanting to be seen as a failure as an artist, or a drop out or vanish from other people’s lives as ‘she became weird and stopped doing art’ type of judgment as I see and realize that these are all judgments that I’ve created toward myself and that I now see, realize and understand that they have no point in being here ‘as me’ in my mind, because I am fully aware of the decisions I am now making in my life, being certain about the outcome and purpose that I am dedicating my life to and within this also not solidifying ‘the way’ to do it as something immovable or being non flexible in believing that ‘this is all I’ll ever do’ – as that creates a general rigidity that I’ve also seen the consequences thereof when I have to ‘break the definition’ or ‘break the pattern’ and kind of eat my own words and decisions. I realize that I am at a certain stage wherein the foundation of who I am, what I’ve decided to be and become as a person that stands as a living example of what it means to apply principles of life in equality, of self-responsibility, of integrity, of self-honesty, of changing one’s living patterns, is what I have decided within myself to do and live till the end of my life.

Now this doesn’t imply that I forcefully have to ‘fit’ my schooling-career into it or else, but see the multiple possibilities of what we can do and how we can apply our skills, talents and knowledge for self supportive purposes in this world, and step out of any rigidity within ‘having certain career’ only. I have also realized that the process I’m walking is that of self-creation: recreating myself after a deconstruction of who I have been in order to now integrate living principles that are supportive for ourselves as individuals that can now take self-responsibility for our creation.

 

When and as I see myself generating and overall experience of resistance or judgment or even rejection toward ‘art’ or ‘artistic expressions’ I stop myself and breathe. I realize that such experiences recreate my belief and construct of ‘failed relationship with art’ which only exists as a construct of memories, experiences, ideals and beliefs of myself toward art – and as such as I realize this I can immediately stop any judgment and experience toward the word ‘art’ or ‘artistic’ or ‘artist’ in order to see physicality for what it is, whether it is human beings, or matter with colors, or images, or sounds and images, or actions that are simply human creations that I can assess in a similar way in which I asses everything else and everyone else in my reality – no more, no less.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing guilt, shame, regret for my self-defined ‘failed’ choices in life in terms of careers and studies, I stop and I breathe – I realize this stems from the fear of being seen as a failure or a drop out which are only judgments I’ve created within my mind, the fear of not being ‘successful’ at what I was meant to do simply because I didn’t even follow through with it/ didn’t do the actual work to get that which is also another point to realize here how I decided to not invest myself on the traditional forms of art-creation and instead directed myself toward self-education within a context that is entirely new and doesn’t even have a proper ‘institutional name’ with which to ‘justify’ to others what I do now– without realizing that I don’t have to ‘be’ something/a definition for others as I am well aware of how I spend my life, my every day, what I work with, who I work with, for what purpose and what my aims are in it all – therefore I stop wanting to justify myself and my decisions toward others and focus on rather assessing and evaluating myself based on the principles, objectives and decisions I’ve made to dedicate myself to this process in the form of support, education, proposals for change that can be implemented at an individual and global level.

 

I commit myself to no longer re-create any form of pattern of experiences either positive or negative around ‘art’ or ‘artists’ or judge them as useless because of being ‘artists’ or such – as those are only judgments/tags in my mind –and instead see the point of creation for what it is, as a physical or intellectual creative process and as everything, investigate all things and take what’s best. So within this it is also to commit myself to make use of formal ways of doing art in order to share a particular message or understanding that I realize is supportive for ourselves as human beings in this world and necessary within the context of the changes that we require to give direction to if we want to continue living in this world. So within this

I commit myself to give priority to the points that I see are most relevant and a matter of survival when it comes to creating solutions to the problems in this world as that is what I have personally decided to do – working at an individual and collective level to present solutions, to walk them myself and so co-operate in the process of self-realization in our world. This is what I have decided to do which in no way it means that it is what I think everyone else should also do in relation to their relationship to arts as each person’s process is different and to me within the context I’ve placed it, stepping aside from the usual definition of ‘creating art’ also means focusing on being in the world, in the system, understanding it, redefining it, considering how to build our lives and our interactions in a more supportive way and not just trying to get an experience out of it as my previous definitions of art.

I realize that I can redefine art as what I do within this process of self-creation, but that is merely for academic purposes and in no way does it mean I am trying to justify or define the fact that I want to ‘keep being an artist’ but, If I have to justify what I do to academics, then for sure it’s self-creation process as my own work of art, while realizing within myself that a definition does not really ‘define’ or ‘limit’ who we really are, but I can play the role without getting lost in it again.

 

Will continue….

 

 

Movie screen

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232. Being Late Makes you Anxious?

 

Anxiety can be made into a ‘mental disorder’ that you then can be prescribed to take some drugs to ‘alleviate’ it according to what psychiatrists can asses in their attempt to only feed drugs to get some money – which is what I am here to suggest you stop opting for and consider that there is a way in which one can support oneself to actively physically participate in tracing back the points wherein one has generated the most anxiety and as such, walk through a process to take Self Responsibility for the anxiety experience.

Here I share my own within a simple event: fearing being late

 

Continuing from:

 

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on the Event that would  instigate quite a lot of anxiety to go out from my house with other people.

(from the previous entry) Event: going out with my parents and sisters and getting ready to leave. My father is waiting for us at the entrance hall looking up the stairs to wait for everyone to come. Women getting ready to leave /fixing hair, clothes, makeup or anything else normal to do when going out, there’s noises of hair dryers, heels, lots of shuffling around and talking. I am near my father and ready to leave  – because I had discussed and realized through an entire mind construct how I was more ‘in tune’ with my father in order to oppose my mother and in a way also being more ‘responsible’ apparently for being ready when the time was here.

Fear Dimension:  Father getting angry for everyone not being on time

-Being like ‘any other woman’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fear of people getting angry for not being on time in arranged meetings/schedules and within this, generate anxiety to get to a certain place on time while rushing in the physical trying to ‘make it on time’ which is mostly wanting to remain within the personality of ‘being punctual/ on time’ as a positive aspect/ characteristic within me  – wherein if I don’t get to satisfy this characteristic, I go into a negative experience as anxiety and rushing.

 

When and as I see myself rushing to get to a certain place/ meeting ‘on time’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can instead measure in advance the amount of time I will require to be there on time without having to rush and also, if there are any events/ circumstances that are out of my reach to change that cause me to get late somewhere, I realize that I live in a world wherein one is subject to many situations coming up, and as such, I assist and support myself to Breathe through it and continue directing myself to get to the place I had agreed to be at.

Within this, it is to stop any form of fear of losing my ‘reputation’ as being always on time/ punctual and all the self-worth aligned with that as a positive trait. Instead I simply see that arranging a time to meet people/ get somewhere is a practical considerations in our physical reality and getting there – bit earlier or later – is eventually all that matters.

 

‘being like any other woman’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to always be ‘on time’ when going out to avoid being seen like ‘any other woman/ just another woman’ wherein women tend to take more time to get out of the house, which is only a belief based on what I lived within my life experience, without realizing that within this self definition of Not wanting to be like women, I copied what the only male at home would do which is rushing to get out as soon as possible and be always ‘on time’ wherein I then sought to be special/ unique in terms of being a woman and acting like a male – or the male example I had as a reference-  for the purpose of gaining a point of specialness at the eyes of another person.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do something or not do something based on what a  woman would usually do or not do, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is only fueling my self definition to be praised by the opposite sex as unique/ special/ unlike any other woman. Thus, I direct myself to simply take the necessary time I require to go out of the house, measure my times in order to get somewhere ‘on time’ as a simple agreement and stop comparing who I am in relation to what others do or don’t do. I ensure I do everything I require to do before leaving the house such as checking water taps, gas keys closed, windows, getting money and the necessary stuff, which I do while breathing and not rushing as I see and realize that there is no need to rush when getting out of the house, I direct myself breath by breath, being aware of the physical.

 

I realize that every time that I have forgotten something at home, has been a result of me not measuring my times and then ending up rushing and missing out to do certain things, taking certain objects/ papers or whatever I require. Thus I stop any form of anxiety formed in relation to ‘going out’ as the constant corrective application of that rush that I had imprinted as a child when ‘going out of the house.’

I commit myself to be here as breath and continue breathing, being aware of my every move done in physical pace when getting ready to go out of the house.

 

Thought Dimension:  father standing on the entrance hall frowning and being quiet but angry inside

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush when getting out of the house due to the fear imprint I created as a child of someone getting angry for not being on time, in this memory my father being angry which would mean he would remain angry all the way till our destination, which I disliked

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to be ‘on time’ out of fear of being scolded for Not being on time or causing another’s anger, which was something that I would blow out of proportion as in being extremely tense whenever that would happen, because of having to be traveling with the angry people, which wasn’t necessarily pleasant.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be complacent when it comes to being on time, based on my fear of actually ‘causing another’s distress and anger’ without realizing that I am in no way able to cause something to another unless they allow and accept themselves to participate within their own emotions. Thus,

When and as I see myself fearing causing anger/ stress in another for not being on time, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have to take responsibility for myself, for being there on the agreed time and that whatever others experience, is their own process to take responsibility for what They are accepting and allowing within themselves.

Obviously in common sense, the best for all point is to be on time so that we are able to direct ourselves in the moment as agreed, which is something that is cool to consider as it facilitates going out with more than one or two people somewhere else.

 

 

Imagination Dimension:
– Positive imagination as a
desire: everyone being always On time as scheduled and going all happy in the car

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rush within the desire for everyone to do the same and be absolutely on time which would then cause me a positive experience of ‘happiness’ as well as believing that my father would then be also ‘happy’ which I have linked to my Own happiness and within this making this ‘ideal’ scenario in my mind to obtain through and while I rush in the physical, which means that I am in fact only doing so in order to obtain a positive experience within me, and missing out the physical reality while doing so.

When and as I see myself expecting a ‘perfect scenario’ within a particular event wherein others would also be absolutely ‘on time’ and as such ‘being happy’ to move faster, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this there’s a desire to control situations and physical reality in order to satisfy My idea of perfection- thus I assist and support myself to see and realize how it is that I have programmed myself to make of ‘perfection’ a positive experience according to my own standards, instead of actually grounding myself to Earth wherein there are many others involved in such situations wherein a particular outcome is dependent on each one’s participation.

I realize that I can simply share how things can be smoother/ easier to conduct when we all prepare ourselves to be on time – but, if this can’t be done for any other reason, then I simply breathe through having to wait for others to be ready.

 

Negative imagination as a fear: Having our ‘going out’ trip absolutely ruined, everyone in a bad mood, not talking and having a ‘hysteric’ father at the wheel.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine my father being angry while going out somewhere / someone getting angry with everyone for not being on time within a particular agreed ‘going out’ situation, and use this fear as a fuel to be ‘on time’ which leads to rushing out of fear – thus

 

When and as I see myself rushing to get out of the house/ going out somewhere in order to avoid having to deal with angry people during the trip/going out event, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is only my own self-conditioning based on childhood situations. Thus I breathe to direct myself while getting ready to go out and stick to physical reality while waiting for others and while going out without expecting something good or bad to happen – just breathing here.

 

Backchat:

– Why can’t they just Be On Time as Scheduled?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘Why can’t they just be on time as scheduled?’ wherein I deviate my attention to Others and trying to blame them for someone being angry for not being on time, instead of focusing on myself, my responsibility and ability to be there on time and simply focus on breathing when and if having to wait for others.

When and as I see myself focusing on what others do/ don’t do – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this comparison mechanism is only to feel either ‘good or bad’ about my actions in comparison to others – thus I direct myself to ensure I take responsibility for my actions, my doings and that’s it.

 

– They had to be women!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that women will ‘always’ take longer to leave the house while in fact, the gender is just another cliché point in society, as well as realizing that I am trying to separate myself from ‘being a woman’ as a stereotype, which is the point that I avoided throughout my life for all the various reasons I would see women as ineffective or slow or inaccurate – this all based on the male-example I had at home being the opposite of what I created women to be like.

 

When and as I see myself judging ‘women’ and separating myself from being one due to some trait or action that I have judged as ‘inefficient’/ inaccurate/ slow moving, I stop and I breathe – I focus on myself, my breathing and simply allowing myself to wait without any form of backchat or exasperation about ‘having to wait for others,’ as we live in a physical reality wherein the most we can do is agree to leave at a certain time and give some minutes of tolerance and that’s it.

 

– I am ready, they are Not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I am ready, they are Not,’ which is a self-righteous, superiority type of backchat wherein I want to stand as ‘perfect’ and ‘responsible’ in relation to being on time to go somewhere and getting a positive experience out of thinking what others will say about me being ‘always on time’ only fueling my self definition of being ‘always on time’ as a positive experience that I learned/ acquired from my father.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when being ‘on time’ as a prop for my timely-ego, I stop and I breathe – I simply direct myself to be on time – earlier or a bit later doesn’t matter – and simply physically be there as scheduled. I realize there’s no need t compare myself to who gets there first as life is not a race, but a point of being there/ participating which is what matters.

 

– It’s their fault that my father will now be pissed off, they are the ones to blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘it’s their fault that my father will not be pissed off, they are the ones to blame’ wherein I simply acted out many times the ‘responsible character’ to not make my father/ anyone else angry – such as teachers at school – and within this, flair up my own ‘responsible character’ which stemmed actually out of fear of being the cause of someone’s anger –

 

When and as I see myself doing something out of avoiding to be blamed for possible outcomes that are perceived as ‘negative,’ I stop and I breathe, I realize then that such actions are not self-movement but based upon fear – thus I focus on being here as breath while moving to get to a certain point/ meeting/ agreed timed to leave somewhere, and that anyone creating an experience out of people not being on time is only their own point to walk in self-responsibility, and that there is no one to ‘blame’ in such cases for leaving later – and that instead, certain measures can be taken accordingly.

 

– I am not like them

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I am not like them’ which became  a way of being and supporting my ‘specialness’ through opposition toward others at home – in this case the women at home – in order to be in the likes and appreciation of my father because of being ‘like him’ which I considered something that I had to be proud of due to all the positive imprints I have given to my father, without realizing that in this, I created an entire opposition character toward females, my sisters and mother while holding a sense of superiority for ‘not being like them’ apparently, which is only a personality that I cultivated in order to be special/ unique/ superior at the eyes of my father.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create a personality that would be in ‘opposition’ or ‘everything that the other women are not’ in order to be a ‘one of a kind girl’ at the eyes of other people, specially my father and later on in life males toward which I tried to simply not be a ‘cliché’ of what a woman would be like – in this case, taking too long to leave the house wherein even if I would do the same that other women did in terms of ‘getting ready’ to leave, I would rush everything in order to satisfy my own self-religion of ‘not being like other girls/ women.’

When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘on time’ or being responsible as a positive trait within me that defines ‘who I am’ as my ‘unique/ superior/ special character’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that any action that I am doing from the starting point of comparing ‘how I do things’ in relation to others – specifically women – I am doing so from the starting point of ego and not really being here as breath directing myself as self-movement.

 

Thus I commit myself to no matter who I am with or alone, I direct myself as every breath to get things done, wherein I realize that living is not a competition toward women or any other being to remain in a superior position, as that is the inequality that I am participating in my mind. I assist and support myself to simply be self responsible as a common sensical consideration that is lived breath by breath and not fueled by any form of energetic experience.

 

Reactions:

– Negative: Mimicking the impatience, exasperation, building up anger as time goes by, becoming nervous and anxious about the possible outcomes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with extensive nervousness and anxiety when having to get to meeting/ being on time in an agreed meeting wherein I fear not being there on time and as such rushing even more within anxiety, without realizing that this is all just a mind construct of ‘being on time = stress out’ which is not necessary really, if one takes the necessary time to just be on time while moving physically.

 

When and as I see myself even experiencing the slightest anxiety to rush to get somewhere, even if there is no ‘agreed time’ – which has also happened, I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to my destination/ meeting time being physically aware of my body, myself until I get to the destination/ meeting point.

– Positive: pride and responsibility, readiness as in being the only one that’s ready.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of pride as a positive experience out of being ‘responsible’ due to being ‘on time’ and ‘ready’ which is just a point that I created according to being complacent to other’s exigencies wherein ‘being on time’ is seen as a positive experience, and within this sacrificing my own physical body due to such ‘responsibility’ being fueled by extensive nervousness, anxiety, rushing sometimes even being less careful with my physical movements just to ‘get there on time,’ which is compromising myself just to satisfy a mind-desire of ‘being responsible’ and ‘ready’ at all times.

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience when getting on time somewhere as a ‘fulfillment’/ satisfaction, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is stemming from actually living out the release of the compounded negative experience that fueled my desire to be ‘on time’ as rushing, getting anxious and nervous as fear, which then turns into this apparent ‘positive experience’ when satisfying my ‘goal’ to be on time, which is just the opposite pole of the energy, which means it is also self abusive and not at all a self-directive hereness movement.

I commit myself to be on time within meetings/ situations/ events, and remain here as breath while doing so, waiting for whomever we have to wait for and maybe use the time to speak to someone while doing so in order to focus on my environment and the moment by moment I am here.

 

Physical dimension:

Tensing up my upper chest, experiencing nervousness and anxiety in my solar plexus, stifle myself and move as less as possible  while waiting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a lot of tension in physical body as the result of the amount of anxiety that I would go into when having to ‘be on time’ to go somewhere which is a point I cultivated every single day that I worried to ‘be on time’ to go to school and virtually anywhere else wherein I had to be ‘on time’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be/ become tense, stiffen my entire body wherein I would only be in my mind rushing/ thinking of the future moment of being ‘there’ and throughout this, not even looking at how uncomfortable I was within my physical body due to the extent of nervousness and anxiety I would accept and allow within myself as a result of the thoughts of ‘rushing’ and fearing ‘not being on time’ and be seen as ‘irresponsible.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘breathing was not enough’ when being too anxious because I believed that I simply had to Breathe, but, never understood that the anxiety was a result of my thinking and so, even if I would breathe, it would still ‘be there’ – the stress and discomfort – because I would keep on participating in my thoughts/experience  – therefore

 

When and as I see myself generating anxiety and experiencing discomfort while getting ready to go somewhere/ leaving the house, I stop and I breathe – and the stopping means and implies that I stop participating in the thoughts about rushing and breathe until the energy that has arisen dissipates as I breathe.

 

I commit myself to realize that for all energetic experiences of rushing to stop I have to Stop participating in any form of thought, backchat internal conversation and focus on breathing till such inkling of experience as anxiety dissipates and I remain here breathing, physically, stable.

 

Consequence:

– Me tensing up every time I have to go out, rushing as well to get myself ‘on time’ while fearing that others might be ‘impatiently waiting for me’ or that I will miss something with it, ending up angry at myself for not being ‘perfectly on time’ and as such screwing up my self religion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project the thought of people being ‘impatiently waiting for me’ without realizing that it was actually ME being impatient with myself and toward others for not being on time due to this idea of ‘being on time’ as something positive and linked to responsibility, which I would use then judge myself or others for not being on time and or use it as a way to place myself in a ‘superior’ position for being ‘on time.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that being ‘on time’ is a positive trait that generates a positive experience and value ‘who I am’ according to my ability or inability of fulfilling this character, which is only existent in my own mind according to what I gave a positive value to which is being ‘on time’ as positive fulfilling experience.

 

When and as I see myself believing that others will get pissed off if I don’t get somewhere on time or I will be judged as irresponsible, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is only functioning in my own mind according to my own mind construct of responsibility linked to ‘being on time’ as positive experience – thus I direct myself to be here breathing and take the time necessary to be ready, while breathing and getting there to the agreed time while breathing – and so forth throughout the entire day – moment by moment.

 

 

– Building up my self religion of ‘not being like all of the other girls/ women’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an entire character of ‘not being like other women’ as a sense of specialness due to being ‘on time’ or regularly ‘ready’ on time as opposed to women at home that would take a long time getting ready due to all the things that a ‘woman does’ such as hair, makeup, clothes and making it all look perfect which I judged as something superfluous, without realizing that I only created an experience toward it because of actually having wanted to do the same/ be the same, but because of my own predicament of ‘not being like them’ I had to do everything I could to act/ do/ dress/ be the opposite of everything they are, which became the ‘who I am’ as the ‘opposition character’ within my family and later on the world system, trying to get out of the stereotypes, without realizing I simply fueled more the point of trying to be special/ unique/ one of a kind ‘woman’ by opposing other women which only created this sense of ‘specialness’ within me as a self-religion that I fulfilled no matter what, even if I had to compromise myself and my physical stability and for example rushing just to be ‘unlike all other women’ that would make their partners wait for a long time.

 

I forgive myself that I have actually accepted and allowed myself to judge the males for accepting and allowing the females to take a long time and actually be patiently waiting, wherein I would think that they were being over-complacent and not having enough ‘character’ to ask them to be on time, lol, which was only my own mindfuck being projected onto others and their relationships and agreements. Thus

 

When and as I see myself doing things in a way that I believe a woman would not usually be like/ act like/ do in order to be ‘unlike any other women’ and fulfill my ‘I am not like all of the other girls’ character – I stop and I breathe. I focus on doing thing in common sense without having to define myself about it. I focus on the physical reality that I can participate in and direct myself focusing on what I have to do, or simply breathe here without having this constant experience of having to do something or rushing or being anxious about the future.

 

I commit myself to breathe here as the constancy and consistency of my physical body wherein I take time simply as a measure to get things done within a certain time frame as a common sensical agreement with others, yet there is no positive or negative experience out of driving myself physically to be there on time or do things on the required time.

 

I commit myself to actually stick to being ‘on time’ with any other aspects in my reality wherein I see that I have limited this due-time responsibility to meeting other people, but there’s also dead-lines as a point of responsibility to direct which are also part of a common sensical agreement between two or more people to get things done and as such, continue advancing in a certain process and as such, equalizing this ‘being on time’ character to a practical consideration of all tasks and points to fulfill in my physical reality.

 

Within this one can see that if I would go to a doctor and tell them that I experience ‘stress, anxiety, nervousness and fears when having to go out of my house’, I would have probably been diagnosed with some anxiety disorders or even social phobia in order to meet a certain prescription drug that I would be given in order to ‘solve my problem,’ which would be essentially taking drugs to not experience all of the afore mentioned and walked emotions. This is a proof of how we are the ones that created such experiences in the first place and we are the only ones that can assist and support ourselves to take responsibility for what we experience and create practical breathing-living solutions to stop existing as this repetitive life consuming pattern, such as anxiety which is a very common emotion in our day to day living.

Thus I invite you to investigate where you have created the belief that ‘there is something wrong within you’ for experiencing a certain emotion throughout your life, find out where it all begun and assist and support yourself with writing, applying self forgiveness, self corrective application in order to take responsibility and stop all the uncomfortable energetic mind experiences that we believed were a ‘mental disorder,’ without realizing that it was only our participation in the mind that created them all in the first place.

 

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188.Con-Sequence

Consequences of ProcrastinationWriting 

The manifested consequence of our creation is what we learn to face within this process  – and one would common sensically consider that because of knowing/ being aware of the potential harm, disruption, loss of integrity when deliberately participating in any thought, word and deed that we ‘know’ is not what best for all, we simply would stop doing it and stop the harm and self-abuse. Well, who we are as the mind is anything but common sensical or ‘sane’ within the logical sense of what sanity should be as a state of equilibrium at an organic/body and mind level. We are anything but that. While reading one of Heaven’s Journey to Life blogs I remember leaving a comment how I was a bit shocked when realizing that we Know what we are doing to ourselves, such as consuming our very life substance in order to create energetic experiences – yet we continue, yet we keep doing it even though the explanation is here on a golden platter for us to stand up and change.

I saw within myself also how the points that I’ve been able to definitely quit and stop and support myself to face the ‘withdrawal’ of were aspects wherein I made a firm decision to change. The moment I do not make this definitive decision, I know beforehand that I will use an excuse to not-change and kind of sneak in the pattern that I am ‘trying to stop’ because in the ‘trying’ there is no definitive action taken to decisively stop something. How on Earth have we managed to fool ourselves? To actually be abusing our lives, our living opportunities of expansion and growth even within the current ‘constrains’ of the system we live in, and simply allow ourselves to be ruled by apathy, by uselessness, by the sheer decision to ‘do it later’ which implies already deciding to do something else that sounds better to me than actually pushing myself to expand my current accepted and allowed automated response to only ‘go for’ that which sounds nice, enticing, comfortable, cozy even within my mind.

 

Now, the consequences… this is the part we really don’t want to face because it is all obviously to our own detriment and within the character walked so far, I realize the piece of self-sabotage masterpiece this has been.  I have also realized that I cannot victimize myself, make excuses, try to explain why I didn’t do it in a way that would sound ‘good’ at the ears of others – nope, I can’t like and all I have been able to say is ‘I have no excuse for that’ and even that sounds like cynicism based on me obviously having judged people in the past that would ‘blatantly’ accept their mistakes and faults and have  ‘nothing else to say’ because apparently, an excuse or justification would ‘soothe the consequence’ in some way, which is always stemming from this inherent human-mind desire of keeping ourselves on the ‘positive score’ of the game, even if everything goes to hell today we rather say ‘oh, but, you know, we did our best, we did everything we could, there was no way to change this’ – and cross our arms and hope to die probably.

Well, that which I see could happen at a global scale in terms of the procrastination we are accepting and allowing to sort out this world, the same I can see in the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points that I have procrastinated, deliberately ignoring the consequences and effect that this single point that I accepted and allowed to leave behind created as an effect in my overall beingness wherein it is rather difficult to pretend that everything is fine when there’s this corpse you’re dragging behind you and stinking every day a little bit more every time.

The consequences are both at a physical reality level and within my own ‘stance’ as a living being, because as we’ve explained before: if the sun refused to shine and postpone it’s glow today, life on Earth would not be possible, if the oxygen decided to withdraw itself from the atmosphere, take some ‘time out’ and come back in a week or so after a run through the universe, would life still be possible? No – and these are all obvious hypothetical points because it is simply not common sense to even conceive that a physical constancy in our world would procrastinate its function – the same applies to our physical body.

 

So, I see, realize and understand that every single judgment I had toward anything else not being fully applied and determined to change within others, must be absolutely reverted for me to face my own deliberate procrastination even though realizing and knowing/ being aware of the consequences. In my mind, it doesn’t make sense obviously to do something that will not be producing energy for it to create an experience about the moments that I am working on something – and this is precisely the ‘withdrawal’ process I see I have to face here – it’s going ‘better’ in terms of being able to spot the moments, however unless a definitive decision is made to stop walking the middle path, nothing will absolutely change/ be corrected.

 

I see and realize that within giving up on a single point and trying to hide/ suppress the actual experience toward it, it simply compounds until it becomes a literal burden on your back – so, this has been cool in order to spot the anxiety in relation to this, which would be automatically coming up in the seemingly unnoticeable moments wherein I would have the least ‘reminder’ of this point that I have to do – however since I’ve been actually working on it, the ‘benefit’ of this is also re-establishing myself as my directive principle which is one of the other dimensions of consequences that emerge when procrastinating: we stop existing as that immovable force that is able to ‘walk through it all’ simply because of allowing ourselves to be diminished and create an entire detrimental experience within one single point that we Know we are not ‘sorting out’ in our reality.

We cannot blame either, that’s just a be-lame act in order to not take responsibility for our actions, and I have walked that as well as it came through while walking all the other dimensions to this procrastination character that you can read from the first day here:
162. Either Do it or DIE

So, my suggestion within this is to give ourselves the necessary direction to commit ourselves to do and act and give direction to that which we have committed ourselves to be and do, to stop generating unnecessary consequences as I see and realize that it is Not required for us to go through hell and back to learn a lesson, that’s just white-light-dovey crap like the ‘paths of the soul’ for us to accept our own self-abuse as a ‘living lesson’ – No fucking way.

Within stopping the first moment wherein we see ourselves wanting to procrastinate, we are able to stop the entire sequence of events generated as a result of our own con wherein we opt for the ‘feel good’ experience instead of doing and working on that which we are aware must be directed and done.

 

Till Here No Further

Feelings and Procrastination

 

”More perspective on the points of feelings is that one tend to procrastinate because you feel good. But interestingly enough you have created those feel good feelings through your resonances through time so that you can trap yourselves so you never have to do anything. Because in-fact you are in constant fear and the only way that you don’t have to face your fear – which is everybody else in this world and the world system – is to create a feel good situation where you can justify why you are powerless and helpless to do anything about the situation in the world and that is how you delude yourself and deceive yourself to never actually take action and to accept the world the way it is, through happiness, feel good little feelings.
And obviously the world system in terms of money, and all the days like ‘Christmas’ and ‘Father’s day’ and ‘Mother’s day’ – all those kind of stuff is supporting your self delusions in keeping you trapped in it. And all the parent’s are teaching their children exactly the same traps so that they can feel good and even say, ‘I mean how dare you, let the child at least live and feel good while they’re alive’. Meantime, you have stolen that child’s life using the deception of feeling and energy.
Understand, the ‘Physical’ do not feel good. The ‘Physical’ will either have pain or no pain. That is all the physical feel. It’ll be either hot, cold – it’s simple physical things, that’s what the physical feel. That’s what’s Real.
One plus One Equals Two.” – Bernard Poolman 

 

So, Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements on consequence to come…

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105. Having a Good Time is defined by MONEY

 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition my expression with another from the starting point of whether the sound of their voice, their body movements and general ‘beingness’ in the moment is oozing positivity, happiness and a general sense of enjoyment wherein I then mirror the person’s attitude in an instant manner, wherein I allowed myself to be subdued by the entire positivity experienced within another, becoming an instant character that accepts ‘the positive’ as something that should not even be questioned because: it’s good! It’s positive! Let’s have fun! And as such, not realize how I would go into the absolute opposite with the same being whenever the situation and event would be experienced with the negatively charged attitude, bodily movements and voice tonality wherein then I would mirror their self-experience in a way wherein I could only suppress myself and limit my self expression out of fear of someone’s negative experience.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience out of a moment with my father wherein I can deduce and assess that ‘he’s had a cool day at work!’ because he is happy, which is the same as having money wherein then I choose to be happy as well as that means he won’t be in a bad mood/ angry toward everyone for not having a cool day at work. Within this, I see, realize and understand how I’ve come to mimic/ mirror another’s experience as my own and from that, create a starting point within myself of either positivity or negativity according to the person I’ll be interacting with presents themselves as, with either a positive or negative mood, within this defining an entire moment according to another’s experience, which was a common thing within me to limit myself by, wherein I would be cautious and careful to communicate within the consideration of another’s feelings and emotions in the moment, which means that I would always support their characterization by me becoming a supportive role in the play, and never taking a definitive stance to remain constant and consistent in my communication, but would instead become a mirror to others’ experiences as that would ensure that they remain in their characters and I remain as the ‘good person’ that will support their characters – whether they are positive or negative.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel excited and joyful about the idea of going out for dinner with my parents as that’s an indication that he’s got enough money to take us out and have a moment of what I defined as ‘fun,’ wherein I would then support the entire ‘good spirited’ situation/ moment by being equal to my father’s childish expression, which became a conditional aspect on whether he had enough money or not.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never see how money would define my beingness as a mood situation as well, as when we were in severe financial trouble, I became more secluded, worried and anxious as a child and how things would change the moment that I knew we had enough money to have fun, go out, travel, which then became the polarized condition in my reality to either feel ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about life, never seeing how all and everything that I would do would be conditioned by the amount of money I had -through my father – or didn’t have, which is how my father’s mood and general stance would directly influence me and my stance due to the dependence that exists on a financial level toward him.

 

I realize that within a system wherein we are not supported equally from birth to death, children are conditioned to be dependent on their parents success/ failure to ‘make it’ within the world system of money, which is unacceptable as lives can be forever tainted if an unstable financial situation goes on at home, or there is no support at all at home which is why and how we currently live in a world wherein we have major problems on a ‘psychological level,’ simply because unconditional support is not given to all, hence survivalism leads to living an uncertain life wherein ‘who we are’ is dependent on having ‘good’ and ‘bad days’ that are defined according to the amount of money we have/ don’t have to live.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see how the entire starting point of ‘who I am’ in a moment can be absolutely determined by money as a positive experience or lack of money as negative experience wherein I can feel ‘content’ within myself because of, for example, my father having enough money to take us out for dinner, which I had defined as a treat and a luxury in terms of us not having had such moments in a long time in that moment in the past wherein a difficult financial situation was being faced at home.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to start taking things for granted again when financial stability became a constant at home, forgetting how I had absolutely limited myself to a great extent when we had been through financial trouble, wherein I became more secluded, sad, dismal in my perspective toward the world as opposed to when I started seeing money again, which was the time when I then went on creating my own ‘problems’ in my mind as emotional and feeling situations, because money was no longer being a decisive factor for me to be either sad or happy any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel ‘good’ and in ‘positive spirits’ whenever I was able to benefit from my father’s earned money at work, wherein I simply accepted ‘the positive’ as something that is certainly acceptable and normal to just give in as a ‘good moment,’ defining the entirety of ‘who I am’ according to the entire context of the moment: father being in a ‘good mod’= father having enough money to take us out for dinner = us having a good time all dependent on money itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘good’ because of not having to feel guilty (wtf?) about me going to a restaurant and making my father spend money on me just because I know beforehand that he’s got money to pay for it – thus defining a good moment based on actually not having to be fearing or worrying about money in the moment, which indicates that such positive moments were never in fact real but only a counter-act to all the time that we would be in essence worrying about money and not having enough money to get our positive experiences such as going out for dinner on a Friday night.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define the entire stance of me being ‘in good spirits’ and generally complying to the entire bubble context of ‘happy family because there’s money to go out’ without questioning it further, and just complying to define that as ‘fun,’ shoving away and deliberately hiding the thoughts that would come up in such moments such as ‘why can’t all people just be happy as we are in the moment, having enough money to go out?’ which were thoughts that would come up when and during the traffic lights on the way to the restaurant we would encounter people that were working at that time selling things, doing street juggling in order to make a living, wherein I would immediately shut off my thoughts about that and would go back into the ‘feel good’ experience that I was carrying myself with along with my family.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself conditioning my entire expression based on the context of a ‘good spirited moment’ based on for example, having enough money to have a moment of enjoyment with others and becoming absolutely enthralled with it and full with ‘joy,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that such experience is then not me being here breath, but me giving into the experiences that I am perceiving within others and assessing through the realization that we can be ‘happy’ because we have enough money to enjoy ourselves, as enjoyment within this current world system is equated to having enough money to buy something/ consume and as such equate it with a positive experience.

 

When and as I see myself adapting my communication, my ‘beingness’ in a moment into a positive spirit/ enjoyment and overzealousness in relation to spending a moment with others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that such positive experience was only created and emerged from the starting point of a good mood created by having enough money, which means that such enjoyment would not be possible without any money. Thus I stop defining ‘who I am’ in relation to being in a good mood or a bad mood in relation to the amount of money that I have, wherein money is able to buy a ‘positive experience’ or create a negative one if there’s not enough money to survive.

 

When and as I see myself in ‘good spirits’ when having a moment of enjoyment that is being bought with money, I stop and I breathe – I realize that these situations have been taken for granted just because we have money to do so, without seeing how not everyone in the world can have access to such ‘enjoyment’ as money is not readily given as s form of unconditional support to live, which would then make an experience of enjoyment almost impossible as there would be, for example, no more people that would have to work in a restaurant serving others in order to make money as they will be equally supported by themselves.

 

Life will change in a way wherein the things that we have currently taken for granted will no longer exist, as they are based upon the abuse of others in order to create enough hierarchical power to ensure that there are always those ‘below’ that can be abused in order to give a certain service/ work in exchange of money, which is a condition of enslavement that we have made ‘ok’ in our reality and justifying it with the words ‘they have to make a living somehow,’ but not being willing to see how our very own positive experience is stemming from others’ enslavement to ‘make a living’ as in making money in any way available within the current world system.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience out of the memory of having felt ‘bad’/ negative experience in the same situation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only going from one polarity to the other defining a moment based on memories and the ‘power’ that money currently has in order to buy good moments/ experiences and the opposite which is how we experience ourselves as depressed whenever there’s not enough money to buy/ consume positive experiences, which is how and why we require to equalize the ability for all to have a proper constant and continuous support, so that we can stop going from one pole to the other seeking for positive experiences because they will be readily available, wherein the have/ have not experience will no longer define who we are in our communication, in our beingness and relationship with others in our reality, as money will no longer be a factor to create either positive or negative experiences, but will become a constant source of support for all in equality.

 

When and as I see myself going into a positive experience when getting money, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a perceptual experience wherein the ‘positive attitude character’ is triggered, creating the illusion of having a ‘good moment’ that is only equated to ‘having enough money to live,’ which is how we have defined our beingness as being constantly seeking for the positive, the money and the ‘good times ‘ that are able to be bought with money, while trying to escape, prevent and avoid at all cost ending up in the other side of the coin as in having no money and as such, getting a negative experience out of it.

 

I commit myself to establish a monetary system wherein children and parents will be equally supported from birth to death, which implies that there will no longer be family conflicts in terms of a financial situation of lack being a definitive factor within the beings’ lives and everyday experience, wherein the lack of money creates a general hostile environment of ‘bad mood’/ anger/ frustration/ irritation that is then plundered onto the children, affecting children’s lives in a way that parents cannot yet fathom as they believe that children do not ‘care’ about such monetary conflicts, yet it does as everything that we do and how we function currently in this world is defined by and according to money – therefore with giving unconditional support to all beings, we ensure that children and parents are no longer having to suffer a lack of money defining their entire beingness and life experience, but instead make of life support a constant experience that is readily available for all, as that way we ensure that who we are is the expression itself of life that is here, always unconditionally existing here and that it is us human beings that now must establish a living-system on Earth wherein such unconditional support is extended in an organized manner, such as the Equal Money System to finally be able to focus our lives into an actual development of who we are as living beings on Earth – instead of defining our entire lives based on ‘education’ only to ‘make it’ within a system where everything we’ve done is and has been defined by money itself. This is how we can ensure that our every day living on Earth becomes an opportunity for self-expansion and genuine enjoyment, as there will be no need to create a separate moment of enjoyment according to having money to do so.

 

I realize that the moment I start taking my life for granted, I miss out on what is real and must then bring myself back here where I can definitely ensure that I am in fact considering how every single day that I am able to continue living is linked to my ability to have money, which is something that Not everyone on Earth has  – thus I commit myself to take responsibility for this fuckup as the world system that has deliberately marginalized those that have no money at all to live and how their lives cannot be ‘taken for granted’ as they haven’t been granted with the basic living rights to LIVE on Earth.

 

Hence any and all ‘good spirits’ moment is a cover up and make up illusion to the reality that is here, wherein any ‘good moment’ is actually a masquerade to cover the truth that is here, that is in no way something I can feel content about – thus any good moment experience is actually self-interest only and a point of separation from what is REAL.

 

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82. “WTF was I Thinking?”

Facing the consequences of our decisions and the ‘I have to do this’ character

When a point that is realized as not having been the ‘best option possible’ and we decide to walk it into completion, if the decision is not entirely walked here as self, as breathe, a new character forms from: the ‘I have to do this’ character where it all becomes a burden, a haunting time-loop that one is aware one is walking – hence any ‘realizations’ stemming from walking the consequences are still standing within the ‘I have to do this’ character, wherein the moment that blame, guilt, remorse, victimization and judgments exist, we know that we are still playing out the character of ‘having to face the consequences’ as a duty, as a resistance and not as a self-directive decision at all times.

Here I walk one point that I experienced in the last weeks of school while overhearing a conversation of fellow colleagues about having an art degree and the ‘pointlessness’ of it within the job world.

 

Pattern: ‘I have to do this’ character as a decision walked in apparent self-direction – yet still allowing judgments toward the consequences faced.

Stepping out of competition when believing myself to be ‘inferior’ to others that did ‘well’ in the characterization process.

 

Self-Forgiveness

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Who I am as Life is Who I am and Does Not require Memory as It is Who I Am.” – Bernard Poolman*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear the moment I overheard people talking about being out of school already and finding no jobs, which is me participating as ‘fear’ and not here as breath. I realize that reacting to information as fear creates a limitation wherein I make such judgment real in my mind in order to use it as an excuse to give up before even having started.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is pointless having studied art because no one will ever place an ad on the paper requesting ‘an artist’ – which is how I maintained myself within guilt and judgment toward my career, instead of simply stopping and realizing that self-direction cannot be determined by the options offered – I must direct myself toward it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into further fear when overhearing people saying ‘the situation is quite fucked up’ – wherein I have allowed myself to go into self-deprecation and depression whenever there is a money-lack in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so depressed when I was a little girl and we had extreme financial problems at home, and I would get petrified every time that my father would arrive home and say there were no sales, and looking at him with a desperate face of anguish and fear that I would mirror neuron his experience as a form of empathy, just because of believing that I had to be equally sad because everyone else was sad that there was no money, which is what I believed and perceived and projected upon others all the time during that time and whenever I see ‘weary faces’ in people.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect ‘weary faces ‘ to financial problems, which is how I have judged the faces of people while being in public transportation and thinking that they are having a ‘rough financial time’ whenever I see such faces, which stems from how I would witness my father having this weary face whenever his business was not doing good at all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the news of there not being ‘enough jobs’ to fear and petrification, as well as a general sense of anxiety because of the ‘uncertainty’ that the future represents in a monetary-level.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into fear and disillusionment when overhearing about financial problems, lack of jobs just because of how I lived that in my life as a ‘sad time, ‘ where we could not afford all the ‘fun’ we used to afford in my family during that financial crisis time, which indicates that my worry and concern was not because we had nothing to eat, but because we could not afford the ‘good life’ I had experienced before.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not see that I had connected the ‘art career’ to ‘the good life’ that I sought to have, such as fame, fortune, traveling, meeting people and because I realized that such dreams were not based on reality and what’s best for all, shunning away my ‘dreams’ became a disillusionment in my mind, even if to me was ‘common sense,’ yet I did not investigate all the minor reactions that I had toward having to ‘give up’ such dreams, which is what I am now able to see with clarity.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access the character of ‘everything is fine’ and ‘I’ve overcome it’ without doing proper investigation and research about my inner experience when having to apparently ‘give up’ my dream of following throughout my career with 100% of focus on it, which is a point that I realized I had blamed toward ‘walking process’ without realizing that I was just unnecessarily creating a judgment upon a decision, just because it was apparently ‘hard’ to give up my dreams.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that such dreams were just part of the desires that I used to keep myself bound to this ‘ethereal future of grandeur’ without taking into consideration the actual physical reality at all. This means that I built ‘castles in the air’ and that I in no way was directive as myself in practical reality consideration when building up such ‘dreams.’ Thus, it is not that I ‘gave up my dreams,’ but they were never real, they were just an illusion to keep me busy hoping, dreaming and desiring of someday obtaining them, without looking at the practical considerations of such dream and the actual viable ways to walk them into completion. This means, they were only my creation and beloved mindfuck.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to see disillusionment as something real, not seeing and realizing that it can only exist if I held ‘high stakes’ and hope to get somewhere/ something in separation of myself here. Thus the illusion was always unreal, as the name implies – therefore being disillusioned is removing the illusion from the equation of being here because it was never real and tangible anyways.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into regret and think ‘all this circus for nothing’ related to all that which I worked on throughout my career and seeing it as pointless, not realizing that in this is just a self-victimization process to make it all ‘worthless’ which means that I had given ‘more value’ than myself here to the entire career and what I would ‘become’ with it, as the personality moreness of the artist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the thought pattern that I had used to accumulate shame, guilt and remorse about my past – discussed here – wherein sentences like ‘What the fuck what I thinking’? ‘I can’t believe that I’ve actually done that’ are used to reload myself as memories of the past, aggravate myself as blame, guilt and remorse instead of realizing that I can absolutely self-forgive the point and unconditionally let go of the past and walk myself here as the directive principle of who I am in every moment of breath in self honesty.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself with judgment believing that a ‘career’ is a ‘curse’ in my life, without realizing that I was simply justifying my experience in that moment by thinking about ‘who I am’ as a career instead of who I am here as every moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘time loop character’ whenever I speak about having to finish my career/ art school, just because of all the judgments that I held toward it which was in my mind like having to remain with a partner that I was no longer ‘in love with,’ hence turning it all into a bad romance that I had to endure just for the sake of system purposes in separation of myself. I realize that I walked the point as a decision to walk through what I created for myself as my decision and taking it into completion.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into guilt, remorse, regret and feeling like I have ‘wasted 5 years of my life’ with it, without realizing that there is nothing ‘wasted’ as I am here breathing and that I cannot ‘be more’ or use more of myself here than breathing and existing physically here.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize that using sentences like ‘I wasted my time’ is just a way to exert guilt and blame in separation of myself in order to remain as a victim of my decisions as the mind, while who I am is here and is not bound to living as a memory when and as I direct and establish myself here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see getting a degree as the ‘reward’ after ‘the torture’ which is just a mind-game to see myself as victim that ‘had to go through it all for nothing’ when in fact nothing of what I do in separation of myself can remain ‘here’ as who I am, thus I realize that I simply walked into completion a decision I had made and that is the only practicality to it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and manipulate into thinking ‘who the fuck requires a licensed artist anyways?’ which was a way for me to justify that ‘my career’ is something that does not require any validity within the system, which is an excuse and justification for me to not walk the system but remain within the ‘value scheme’ that is accepted in society according to ‘artists’ and ‘art creation’ being some type of ‘out of the system’ activity, when it is in fact not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself unnecessarily by criticizing my own past as ‘bubbly fluffy dreams’ wherein who I am in such definition is existing as spitefulness, blame, guilt and even shame of my decisions in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project this judgment onto the people around me wherein I ‘cage’ others into the judgments that I have accepted myself to exist as, in order to believe that ‘I know’ what they are going through,’ which can only imply so if I remain as the character that is existing as the ‘disillusioned artist’ when perceiving ourselves to Only be this one character in our reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate a character of ‘changing directions’ as in realizing that I had made an ‘uniformed decision’ in my life, and within that instead of absolutely letting go of it to simply be here, remain as breath in self-honesty, I created another character that recriminates itself as the past, believing itself to be the remorse, guilt and shame for such decision, not realizing that all that I chose to be and become is only based on the character that I wanted to be and become – hence to stop all characters I simply let go of myself as memories, as the decisions made in the past and simply support myself to establish who I am in every moment of breath here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ponder in my mind about the decisions that are Already made, that are already done instead of realizing that it is done, it is the past and who I am does not require to exist as the past.

 

I see and realize how we have collectively kept ourselves bound to our own limitation when and by being affected as words of defeatism, lostness and general self-deprecation wherein fear is instigated in order to not step out of character and realize that who we are is physical beings not ‘artists’/ characters, and that we in fact determine who we are in every moment by what we accept and allow ourselves to be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I only fooled myself,’ which could come through as a realization, however when thought and attached to a single experience of remorse/ guilt, I become the character that exists as ‘regret’ only – which is not unconditionally letting go of the past as memories, but still holding on to that judgment as ‘who I am.’ Which I am not.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become the character of ‘having no enthusiasm to create any longer,’ which is stemming only from a self-victimized position in order to continue reminding me as ‘the one that was overzealous to create’ and within that, still compare ‘who I am here’ to that which I was in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare ‘my artistic character’ to other artistic characters that pushed themselves further to reach that ‘moreness’ of themselves as being considered within the art-character world as ‘the best,’ and according to that, believe that they were ‘really making it,’ as we have learned in society to give more value/ importance to those that wear the character with the most zeal and pride, earning lots of money as a societal confirmation that they have in fact integrated themselves as ‘THE character’ in society, which is how we establish from such characters a point of reference of what is ‘possible’ for each one if we strive, fight and compete to become equal-characters to such idea of ‘satisfaction’ and ‘fulfillment’ according to what such character represents and requires in order to achieve the ‘ultimate stardom’ as ‘the ultimate character.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I was stepping out of the ‘artist character’ by not following through any longer with the same pursuit of happiness/ fame and fortune as ‘my fellow artist peer characters,’ I was diminishing myself, becoming less, a ‘drop out’ and a ‘loser,’ without realizing that these are only the social conventions fear tags that we’ve imposed onto those that refuse to take the ‘moreness’ of themselves as money, fame, glory and an eternal pursuit of happiness/ success, just because this represents no longer supporting the character that everyone else has become. Thus stepping out of the character-world at this moment implies not being supported by others, because it represents a threat to their character, as the realization that everything that we have ever been is/ has been a lie.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to play-out the entire relationship character with ‘art’ itself as the characterization that I used in order to pursue a ‘happily ever after’ type of scenario for ‘my future,’ and because I started realizing the illusion and fallacy that it was, I believed that now I had to be ‘sad’ and ‘spiteful’ toward myself as my decision because I was ‘giving up a dream,’ not realizing the dream for the illusion that it always was – thus the belief that it all ended up ‘badly’ just like in a relationship is yet another character for me to believe that I am ‘in fact’ now ‘less than myself’ which leads to a point of perceived lack, instead of realizing that who I am here does not require a characterization to exist, does not require a ‘moreness’ as an illusion available through and by the current fraud and illusion that money exists as in order to be satisfied with myself and call myself as ‘successful,’ which is how I had accepted myself to follow through my life: seeking success, recognition, satisfaction and this ideal ‘well being’ based on following the rules of the system to the T.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever feel ‘bad’ about the reactions that my decision to step out of character would influence other characters I have related myself to throughout my character-life such as ‘family’ and ‘friends’ when deciding not to follow through with the same pursuit as ‘characterization,’ but instead decide to walk the path of no-character wherein there is nothing more to be or become, there is nothing to attain, there is nothing to lose either, but only a realization of who we are as life and how we can practically direct ourselves as physical beings to create a world wherein what is best for all is considered and applied at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into further judgment about my abilities in order to justify my own victimization as real, as not being ‘as talented as I kid myself to be,’ which is simply the realization that I created myself as this desire, I created the idea or belief that I required a particular talent to ‘become someone else’ as ‘an artist’ in my life, in order to become another character in society that could be ‘more’ than oneself as all the values and ‘importance’ given to careers and professions as if they were in fact something that could support a human being to be and become an actual living individual, which is not because: all careers are based on creating characters that will interact with other characters to create a character world, wherein all that we really in fact are is dismissed by believing ourselves to be such characters seeking to fulfill the ‘moreness’ experience of what such character requires to fulfill itself as a ‘complete/ satisfied character’ – which is what I had sought to be/ become, without realizing I was absolutely diminishing myself to One Single Point as self-definition and missing the entirety of myself here as breath, as the physical, as who and what I really am.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself going into any form of fear based on not having a job/ fear or not having any money, I stop and I breathe. I realize that fear in itself is just another way to occupy my mind instead of practically and physically directing myself to find a way to ensure that I can be financially stable according to the possibilities and options available, without holding any judgment as to ‘what I am capable of doing’ based on having only studied a certain career.

 

When and as I see myself judging myself or experiencing shame for having studied the career that I chose I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not my career and that it does not define in any way who and what I am, and what I am able and capable of participating in. Thus I expand my possibilities to work and do what is best for all which is not defined by me as the ‘artist’ character any longer.

 

When and as I see myself projecting judgments onto people based on me believing they are worried because of having no money, I stop and I breathe. I realize this is me charging up memories of what I have defined as ‘financial worries’ according to certain ‘worry-like facial expressions’ that I see on people. I direct myself to not cage another in a certain character based on my own character-formations based on the past.

 

When and as I see myself creating a character of ‘overcoming’ something/ someone, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is another way to make myself feel ‘good’ about it and thus separating myself into another experience and not being in fact here as breath.

 

When and as I see myself judging myself as the past and the decisions I made, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is me existing as the mind as the past bringing forth that which is not who and what I really am. Thus, I walk the self forgiveness necessary and ensure that whatever I do, say, think is based on me in the moment according to the physical reality.

 

When and as I see myself accessing a form of belittlement based on the career I studied, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot be more or less than another based on having studied something or not in comparison to others. Thus, I realize that I am not a career and the character that stems from such career, but simply a human being that is able to develop itself in the physical and practical consideration of what is required to be done and conducted/ directed in order to establish a new living reality wherein, who I am can physically express in equality. Which means that I cannot limit myself any longer to a single idea of ‘who I am’ as the past.

 

When and as I see myself haunting me with the memories of who and what I was, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am not my memories and that I am not the character that is ‘correcting itself form the past,’ but simply remain here as breath, walking moment by moment facing whatever is here based on self-honesty.

 

When and as I see myself comparing myself to others that studied the same career that I studied, I stop and I breathe. I realize this is a mechanism for me to remain in constant self-defeatism and belief of not being ‘good enough’ as ‘an artist/ my career’ which is a character definitions based on what the character was supposed to be/ become. Who I am does not require to achieve something in separation of myself, as what I am is here as my physical body that can’t be more or less than what is, as is.

 

When and as I see myself accessing thoughts of ‘success’ and measuring myself according to what others ‘achieve’ in their lives, I stop and I breathe. I realize that within this comparative process we cage ourselves as more or less than others based on how effective we are in the system where money dictates who is ‘more powerful’ than others and who’s ‘less’ than others based on money. Thus, I realize that within me stopping defining who I am as one single character, I am supporting myself to establish myself as the physical equality as life wherein all that is here is myself – hence what’s required to direct and align is who I already am in relation to an equality as life that I begin living as myself.

 

When and as I see myself defining myself/ who I am based on ‘talents,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that who and what I am here is not defined by a career character, I direct myself to expand my ability to express and do based on practical application and experimentation in the moment in whatever I am required to do and direct myself as, based on the living principle that must be established here on Earth, of which I am walking as myself and I that there is and can be no limitation about it.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all Enslavement is in the End Self-Enslavement, as the Being Must accept their Memories on which the Programmed character Functions, as Real.” – Bernard Poolman

 

 

The Whiner 2003

 

Blogs:

 

Vlog:

The Reincarnation Characterization: JTL Blog Review by Bernard Poolman – YouTube

 

The consequence of our thoughts at a physical level!!!

Reptilians – Thoughts becoming Flesh (Part1) – Part 64


Day 38: Inconsiderate Blackmail

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts about me being ‘inconsiderate’ toward other people, wherein I allowed myself to have ‘second thoughts’ about my communication wherein I essentially compromised my ability to be directive, straightforward and frank in every single moment – and instead having accessed the past  familiar pattern of  ‘not wanting to be harsh’/ not wanting to sound rude  out of fearing hurting others’ feelings, and in that, compromising my ability to speak self-honestly about myself and my experience due to fear of speaking/ communicating in a way that is ‘unusual’ by people in my past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to for a single moment doubt my words as the expression of myself in any given moment, wherein I accessed my mind to consider a person in relation to ‘who they have been in my past’ and in that, compromise my entire moment and opportunity to stand absolutely here, communicating in self honesty due to believing that I must still hold any ‘special regard’ to people in my past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever feel like I had to commiserate to people that were simply showing themselves as ‘not having a good time’ wherein I would then ‘god down the hill’ to be the company that their misery required, and in this becoming one and equal to the pattern of victimization, powerlessness and general self-disregard as life that any point of self-abuse entails within our life-experiences – in this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compromise my direct and immediate ability to communicate and say things ‘as they are’ because of fearing sounding ‘too harsh’/ ‘too cold’/ ‘too bitchy’/ being too bossy toward another, and in that being second-thinking about ‘how will this person/ people read my words like?’ wherein there’s a fear of being perceived as a dictator that doesn’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings – but I fact, I see and realize that I should not really care about other’s ‘feelings’ as that is and has become the hypocrisy of life that we have diminished to condescending to each other’s ‘feelings’ and ‘emotions,’ compromising our entire living-moment to diminish ourselves to play-out an energetic pattern of being either happy/ sad, angry/ joyful and any other bipolar activity that we have become and diminished our living expression-to the moment that we start THINKING about feelings, accepting those feelings as ‘real’ and in that, abdicating our entire life-substance authority to the energetic-pattern authority of caring about feelings and emotions within ourselves and subsequently, within others as well.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself for a single moment while having to access the ‘who I was’ for another in the past and in that, compromise my ability to stand here as the physical stability that is able to express here in the moment without having to access memories as the old-patterns and programs that I had accepted and allowed myself to become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my ability to express directly and frankly in the moment every time that I allow myself to access the energetic pattern of ‘condescending’ to another just so that I am not judged as being ‘inconsiderate’ based on feelings/ emotions , which in essence represents respecting and allowing the continuation of the very patterns of deception that we have fed/pat our backs with throughout our lifetimes, thinking that we had to consider another’s ‘feelings’ whenever we communicate in order to ‘not hurt them,’

 

In this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever having feared ‘hurting another’s feelings’ when in fact, I have no ability to hurt another through words but only project my own judgments onto others, which his how I work with myself, my own writings, self forgiveness and self corrective application to ensure that I establish myself as living words, words that are supportive for me to live by – words that represent at all times that which I want to live as and that I have pondered and considered first that they are beneficial and considering at all times: what’s best for all.

 

I realize that the best way for us to live as and by is to speak Self-Honestly which means, no longer being participating in emotional and feeling blackmail of mutual condescendence to recreate either positive or negative experiences, wherein if one does not participate in the game, is then fearing being called as ‘inconsiderate’ – when in fact, being considerate as in considering all life the most pertinent and sane thing to do is to stop all power games, all emotional / feeling blackmailing and communicate in the moment about practical points that are supportive, and that don’t re-create any form of past experience that was based on emotions/ feelings toward each other as the egos that would consume life in the name of personal glory and doom as a way to self-satisfaction.

 

I realize that it always takes two to tango and that every time that  perceive that I must ‘be careful about what I speak in fear of hurting another’s feelings’ I simply stop the thinking and breathe – and realize that who I am cannot be determined by ‘who I was’ in the past toward a character that became a pivotal point in my ego/ personality of self-victimization wherein power-games of diminishing and augmenting ourselves in the name of ‘creating an experience’ had become my way of relating to others in my world. I see that I cannot hurt another’s feelings unless they allow themselves to be identified as feelings  – and that I can only ‘hurt’ if I allow myself to voice words that are simply not considering what’s best for all in practical/ physical matters, wherein self-compromise can only exist if I dare to access the mind and the entire ego-network of memories to define ‘who I am’ in the moment – I instead breathe and allow myself to express, unconditionally, holding responsibility for every single word that I say, ensuring that it is not defined in any way according to ‘who’ I am communicating with, but establishing and asserting the realization of equality within communication, where no special regard, no antique preference is able to define my words in the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard in the moment of communication the fact that no being can ever be benefitted from thinking, experiencing emotions or feelings, regardless of the perceived ‘happiness’ and ‘enjoyment’ that a moment can bring, I allow myself to see that such happiness and enjoyment cannot be propitiated or instilled and instigated in another as a desire, but must emerge as an actual realization of self allowing oneself to stand as the stability that each one can only give to themselves and that cannot be ‘given’ or ‘induced’ by another, as that would imply wanting to manipulate in order to get a point of satisfaction through giving pleasure/ creating a ‘good experience’ in another, which is and had been the starting point of wanting to seem affable and cordial at all times, due to the fear of sounding/ being too harsh and being inconsiderate.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to propitiate the same blackmailing situation as in becoming emotional at other’s words wherein I would then play the ‘hurt victim’ in order to not see and realize that I was in fact simply doing it to myself as a form to get people to treat me with ‘more care’ and give me ‘more attention,’ which implies that any form of whining and throwing tantrums has only been a way to project the misery that I had created within myself as my own accumulation of backchat, emotions and feelings as unbearable mind-created experiences, that I then  sought to release through using another person, an event/ situation as a crutch for me to download all this self-created pity and denigration in order to have more commiserating and ‘feeling sorry’ about myself, as a form of obtaining the necessary recognition – no matter what the initial point to obtain such recognition was about – and through that, make myself feel better forgetting people’s attention in a condescending and ‘caring’ way.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to consider that the only harm that exists is toward life the moment that I become an energetic mind-pattern interacting with others at the same energized pattern wherein all that is consumed is life breath by breath, disregarding moment by moment the opportunity to stand up and interact based on the physical reality/ circumstance that requires no emotional/ feeling interplay to take place.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘he/she will perceive me as harsh/ inconsiderate toward their situation’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that every time that I do this from the starting point of fearing ‘hurting another’s feelings’ I am already agreeing to participate in the power game of reducing life to an energetic interplay wherein I realize I simply have to now stop all condescendence as to ‘who I am talking to/ communicating with’ and walk as the constancy and consistency that I am establishing as myself in every moment of breath, wherein I make sure that I stop compromising life to be reduced to ephemeral ashes of emotions and feelings due to relationships formed as the very cause of such need and desire to be ‘experiencing’ ourselves as our ego/ personalities in order to be able to ‘interact’ with each other.

 

I see and realize that when communicating with people – I do not require to regard them in specific groupings according to ‘where they belong’ in and as the ‘story of my past,’ but instead realizing that I can equally communicate to a being that I just met, to a being that I’ve communicated with for some time and to a being that I had not talked in years, as time and memories do not define who I am in every moment that I am here, that I breathe, that I can read and speak as the expression of myself within a particular contest, which doesn’t require to be compromised in any way whatsoever.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is in these seemingly ‘usual interactions’ of accessing and allowing another’s tantrums and justifications for  experiencing any crisis, depression, emotion/ feeling that we become equal participants of such manipulation that is always in the name of self-interest, because life cannot be suited to commiserate, life cannot be ‘emotionally hurt’ and life cannot be made feel better as that would mean an overall reform of the system that is simply not even considered the moment that we ‘seek’ to make someone feel ‘better about themselves’ which is just creating a point of dependence toward a relationship wherein self-realization as the stopping of all forms of self-manipulation is not supported, but instead the same feelings and emotions that validate such individuals’ experiences in the name of ‘relationships.’

 

I commit myself to stop any second-guessing as to ‘how I must address another’ based on memories, as I see and realize that who I am is not memories, and who I am here as breath cannot be reduced to a pre-tense in order to keep an illusion of ‘who I am’ toward another as ‘up to date.’ I instead direct myself to ensure that my communication and the starting point of such communication is at all times the ability to support myself and others in equality, and in no way entail any form of seeking and looking for an experience within me to be revamped from the past.

 

I realize that the only way that we can all stop participating in the usual coming and going of verbal exchanges that seek to create/ feed or oppose another’s experience is through first not allowing ourselves to see such experience as real, but instead allowing us to stop, self forgive ourselves and walk the moment as self correction wherein I communicate me as the moment,without wanting to ‘maintain’ a energetic interaction going, but simply unconditionally share myself and walk any point of communication breath-by-breath.

This is to ensure that all forms of self-compromise are stopped the moment that they start brewing as second thinking, as ‘complication’ as ‘other’s consideration’ in order to stand clear here as myself, wherein I make sure I stand regardless of what anyone else could ‘perceive’ about my words, my stance and my decision to live and not allow anything else than who I am here in the moment that I breathe.

 

I commit myself to expose how much we drain each other when participating in emotional and feeling blackmail, seeking to create relationships not with each other as physical beings, but as mind systems that recharge, suck dry and refurbish each other’s experiences as the continuation of who ‘we are’ as egos of the mind, and explain how we are consuming our very beingness in any moment that we allow ourselves to be the ‘dancer in the tango’ wherein emotions are seen as real and participated along with in order to ‘make them more real.’

 

I stop all abuse toward life by ensuring that all words that come out of my mouth, all thoughts and deeds are fabricated with the consideration of being using my moment to moment to establish myself as life, and to provide me with enough self-support as oxygen that allows me to be HERE breathing, walking, talking, communicating with others without having to ‘socialize’ into lies of power games, submission, control, depression and any other midlife crisis that I see only exists as a self created experience by each being that allows oneself to go through such experiences as something that is ‘real’ when in fact, it’s all self created/ self-generated at a mind level.

 

Who we are as life is as constant and consistent as the breath that I breathe in, hence I allow myself to breath and speak from the starting point of supporting what’s best for all life at all times, as that will ensure that I become part of the self-honest participants required in this world to stop the old and pave the way fro the new way of living as humanity based on Equality and Oneness as Life.

 

For further support with Self-Forgiveness visit

Desteni

Desteni I Process

Desteni Forum 

 

To Forgive and Let go

And become part of the Neighborism supporters wherein we ensure that all relationships between human beings are being exposed to be redefined into best-for-all outcomes wherein Life in Equality is the principle we follow.

 

Blogs:

 

Supportive Interview:

Life Review – The Internal Battle with Pleasing Others


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