117. I Think, thus I Fear

What is the binding force within our reality wherein we keep each other safely protected from actually getting to know the Truth of ourselves?

FEAR

We can actually say that Fear has become our Religion, as Money for example is the externalization of the Fear of not having enough to live, which is how we created and manifested a system to control our ‘human nature’ in order to ensure that the entire regulation of how much we would use from this reality to live would be within some ‘bounds’ to not deplete everything and eventually end up consuming more than what we could even handle. Well, we have reached that mark, certainly and at the moment all that we consume is actually stemming from a fear, all that we buy as properties are apparently ways to ‘secure our future,’ all the relationships we create are stemming from a fear to be alone, all the decisions we take such as jobs, education, partnerships, hobbies and even what type of food we eat, where we live, what type of water we drink is stemming from fear. It’s not that difficult to create a political campaign that way: just propose a bunch of ‘Safety and Protection’ policies disguised with words like care and insurance to ensure one vote for your political statements, even if they do not get to be lived out and implemented at all.

As I walk through the streets, I see how our very houses are creaming out FEAR, most of the houses may have some ‘beautiful architecture’ such as how we create and build ourselves in our own minds, but oh what is the ‘cherry on top’ of such grandeur? Well, barbwire, electric fencing, double fencing, CCTV cameras, and if people have enough money/ live in a very well ‘seated’ situation: guards that ensure that ‘no threat’ is able to filter at your door. Our houses and neighborhoods have become like fortresses, prisons I’d say, yet that’s the most normal thing to do in a country wherein obviously, money is an extreme lack, wherein everyone does live out the sentence: ‘It’s easier to steal than work’ and also because there are no opportunities for them to have proper education, proper preparation to have a dignified job, because this entire system has been built to only benefit a few – so, we can see how we have built our own prison, how absurd! Considering it is us that have created it: no god has come to create it for us, we did.

 

“I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realise and understand how and why FEAR as Consciousness is/has been the primary driving/creative force of/as the nature of energy that has become the starting-point creative force/source of/as me as the Mind and all the Characters/Personalities within that, that will thus all – equally as one, have an existent starting-point, nature and experience of/as Fear. Which, as we continue walking this process of Character-Creation, will be seen, realised and understood by self, the extent to which we exist as fear, the extent to which we’ve created who we are and how/what we live as fear and so within this, why and how this process of Communication, in keeping the internal truth of ourselves as the reality of the Mind intact while physically speaking the 1% portrayal/presentation of/as who we are: is controlled/determined by/through and as Fear as Consciousness.” – Sunette Spies*

 

And as within, so without – I have been noticing for some time how even slightest movements when walking in the street, that which we call as our ‘instincts’ is in fact all stemming from Fear, survival mechanisms that we have adopted from childhood, fearing each other at all times.

For example, it’s plain to see how we would suddenly cross the street to the opposite sidewalk  if we see someone that looks ‘suspicious’ enough to think they could harm us, how we cross our arms in front of our chest when we feel threatened or suddenly ‘feel’ like we have to portray ourselves as ‘strong’ which can only stem from perceiving a potential threat, how we pull out a condescending character or ‘good doer’ whenever we talk ourselves into our minds to think that a potential threat could have some mercy on us if we portray ourselves to be ‘good hearted beings,’ I’ve definitely thought about that.

 

From childhood we have simply complied to this religion and learn it to be ‘love’  because ‘our parents care for us’ which is how we pass on this twisted idea of Love as an actual mind-possession that serves to mark our territory, to protect our ‘who we are as the mind’ toward others and also, of course, protect our most ingrained desires that are always ensuring that what is best for ourselves is protected at all times. We cannot definitely blame our parents and ‘those that have gone before us’ as we have all been there, done that and blaming would only keep ourselves bound to an egotistical victimization role that has prevented ourselves as humanity to actually change, because it’s simply much easier to blame than actually taking Self-Responsibility.

 

Every decision that we’ve taken is in fact stemming from fear. Whaaaat? Yes, look within yourself, it’s there, it’s a mili-second imperceptible quick assessment of factors wherein we are always looking to maintain ourselves within ‘safe bounds’ of our mind, our con-fine-ment wherein we believe that the mind is something so ‘fine’ that we have to protect it, shield it and defend ourselves from any potential threat to ‘our being,’ but is it?  Or have we just been making/creating Gods in order to excuse the actual Fear that we experience to actually face the fact that we have built an entire world as our own prison, wherein all our decisions have Never been real, but only based on Self-Interest, which is certainly the interest of who we are as our mind only which uses Fear as the most effective protection mechanism, never ever considering what’s best for all as a physical tangible reality, which would certainly be the solution to end all fears – but why have we Not seen this before?

 

Now, looking at the world: Fear is everywhere – from our so called petty peeves to extreme moves and decision making that defines the lives of millions of human beings, Fear can be spotted as the default ‘background’ within it all.

Is it fearful to realize this? Well, only who we are as our minds can create Fear upon the already existent thick layer of fears we have embodied without even realizing how and to what extent we have essentially become a handful of fears that develop personalities and characters for each occasion – I think, thus I fear is what should be a more of an actual understanding of how the moment that we separate ourselves from our physical reality: wham! we are up there scheming, thinking, looking at ourselves as a mind that must protect itself at all cost. It’s time to be willing to go facing our fears: from the most obvious fears that we have even held as ‘personal favorites’ – you know, such as fearing the dark, fearing clowns, fearing to be judged and so forth to the most seemingly imperceptible fears for example when we talk to another being and we suddenly shift our eyes to another direction, in fear of being looking into the eyes when we speak about something wherein we KNOW that our mind is being exposed, along with all the variety of subtle ‘microexpressions’ that we have embraced as our ‘default’ expression – however: who, what and HOW did we shape ourselves into it?

That’s what we learn how to walk, dissect, explore and essentially get to know ourselves as within the Desteni I Process, studying all the Desteni Material and the excellent one-of-a-kind existential education available at Eqafe, wherein we are finally understanding the actual steps to Change the World from our Fearful beingness of the Mind as our own Mind Control to an actual Self-Understanding that will inevitably lead to the process of Self Liberation as Self Birthing Life here in and as the  physical, wherein who we are in our within and without exists as the transparency of what living as flesh and bones should be all about: speaking only when it’s required, thinking practical ways to establish solutions in this world, standing one and equal to the totality of ourselves as our mind and physical to ensure that every single movement is actually Self-Directed and Self-Awareness at all times – yes, from the awareness of one single blink of our eyes to how this entire system functions as our the externalization of our minds.

Great, isn’t it? We’ve got the tools, we have the understanding, we really have it all on a Golden Platter.

It’s just about time we face our greatest Fears – Let’s go stopping our participation in the mind as fear and we’ll realize: we’re still here.

 

Support the Equal Money System which is the primary way in which we are practically proposing a System that is Also an educational tool to learn how to co-exist as equals, simply because inequality has stemmed from the actual fear of not having ‘enough’ and as such, developing Greed from that belief that scarcity is something actually possible – yet we haven’t realized how scarcity as the SCARE with which we maintained ourselves controlled, is an actual outflow of a system that was built in order to maintain and sustain people with ‘pacified minds’ wherein fear became the best way to ensure that no human nature could further scavenge the earth. Well, in our attempt to control, we have become the controlled ones by our Own Creation which is the current monetary system. Hence, we can stop now biting our own tail and realize how a New World System in and as Equality as Life can only exist if we first stop living in fear and start considering what Life can actually be the moment that we dare to stand as Equals.

This is Just one decision away: once you take the decision and walk it, you’ll realize that everything that was preventing you from making such decision was only a self-created Fear.

Journey to Life Blogs: Read them all and see what you fear

Desteni Forum for assistance and support

Demonology 

Blogs:

• *Trust your Inner Voice – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 117

• Day 117: #TRUEACTIVIST – Part 1

• Day 100: FEAR

• Day 110 – Children are Not Born with Instructions

 

Interviews:

My favorite Soul of Money Interview thus far, a MUST Read to see how money affects our entire beingness in this world system:

The Soul of Money – Mind Slaves to Money Authority – Part 31

• Life Review – Living Fear

• The Soul of Money – The Consequences of Survival – Part 15

• Reptilians – My fear companion – Part 44

• Life Review – The relationship between Fear of Death and Money

• Reptilians – The Fear of Change – Part 29

• Journeys into the Afterlife – The Being that died as Fear – Part 17

 

Watch the Documentaries The Century of Self and PsyWar

Day 20: Childhood Schooling Years

Here I share some of the most prominent experiences that I have realized became part of my identity/ personality as an ‘A+ student’ throughout my life, beginning with childhood which is in itself a label used within the schooling system that is considered as a ‘positive incentive,’ however what’s not considered is how the child that gets such ‘special treat’ is also being ostracized and separated from the majority that cannot obtain the same distinction because of the obvious hierarchical levels, wherein the one on top is taken as a measure point for the rest. And so, the pressure built within the ‘outstanding individual’ becomes a constant point of fear and anxiety to remain in such position, due to the allocated idea that the individual – myself in this case – has built about themselves within a particular context in their reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to ‘keep up’ this reputation of being the ‘best student’ wherein I had seen, realized made me popular/ recognized with authorities like parents and teachers throughout school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to deliberately impose myself as an ‘example to follow’ wherein I would get a good experience out of being ‘the best’ and being recognized as someone that was ‘out of this world’ for how obedient, disciplined and such a ‘good student’ overall I was – wherein I absolutely knew that this was the way to have everyone valuing me as everything that I wanted to ‘be’ and ‘become’ as I realized what ‘power’ felt like and I dug it, secretly, while pretending to be humble and modest about my ‘skills’ and abilities – without realizing that such experience of being valued as ‘more than’ was that which mattered in this world, being ‘someone to others,’ and in that only developing this idea that all I am is this role model for others and that all that I am ‘worth’ is this example of ‘what a good student’ is for others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not fuckup one single time as that would lower my reputation and within this idea of it all being ‘easy’ for me, extenuating the actual experience of stress and pressure that lead me to experience things like anxiety, nervousness and gastritis at a very young age, simply because I wanted to keep ‘my place’ in school/ my world – which is me becoming infatuated with the sensation of recognition and power at a very young age.

 

I did this to myself, I am very aware how I was not pressured at all by my parents to become this – in fact, they were the first ones that would tell me to slow down and not be so apprehensive, but I just became so rigid with my beliefs within ‘who I was’ that it was virtually impossible for me to let go of this ideal of responsibility and always being on time for school, always getting the best grades, always knowing the answers.  A single example is how when I would be sick and my mother would suggest me to stay at home, I would immediately react about it and would beg her to take me to school, I could not possibly miss one day at 2nd grade in kindergarten! lol – everyone would laugh when my mother shared that story with other people, and that would make me mad because to me it was something serious. I certainly lived ‘backwards’ from the perspective I went from being the most rigid person in school in 1st grade kindergarten and then quite relaxed by the end of my school years – yet always keeping the cool grades for the reasons that I’ll continue sharing as I walk the Self Forgiveness here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to impose this to myself, and not even hear when my mother would say that it didn’t matter what grades I had, but that I had to slow down because it was affecting my body – I didn’t hear, to me reputation was ‘all that I was’ and all that I had to keep up, and in this generating me as an extremely apprehensive kid that only sought to keep up with ‘the best grades’ and engaging in secret competitions toward other classmates that I believed were on to ‘get me off of my throne.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage in such competition traits at a very young age – 2^nd grade of elementary school – wherein when fellow classmates would express that they were on to ‘get me off of my first place’ I would take that s a deliberate attack that would gnaw my very existence and concern me/ worry me tremendously, to the extent of developing constant anxiety for always being/remaining on top because I could not fathom the idea of being second place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so stressed out for keeping a certain place in my reality, which means that I feared being/ becoming a ‘normal person’ without it, because of how I had been so used to getting all the first places and recognition from the very first year in school.

 

It is really unnecessary within the schooling system to do this, I became so fed up yet so used to these award/ recognition ceremonies, I essentially became my own judge wherein I placed rigid standards which is part of the personality I’ve become wherein I tend to be an extremist when doing something ‘going all the way into it’ and often disregarding the actual physical pace that is required in this world. I have walked this point throughout the past which I’ve shared as part of the physical slowing-down in all aspects as I’ve seen and realized how the rushing point is/ was stemming from a constant form of competition and keeping scores toward myself and in comparison to others.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to marry with myself as the idea of always having to be ‘on top’ and not allowing anyone else to take such position because it was ‘my place’ and ‘my throne’ wherein all the glory and recognition of being first place was ‘all that I am’ at the eyes of others, therefore existing in an ingrained fear of losing that ‘first place’ and creating a rivalry/ competition toward anyone else that seemed like a threat to my beloved position of ‘first place.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a constant need and desire to be in control of my environment and others to ensure that I would always have things ‘my way’ and that meant: keeping my first place as a constant point of self-validation that I knew could only be ‘lost’ if I allowed myself to fuck up even once, which is how I developed a fear toward making mistakes because I could not imagine how it would be for others to realize that ‘I’d lost the first place’ as I believe that everyone was expecting me to fall.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in a perpetual experience of fear of ‘falling’ and ‘losing my place’ wherein I believed that everyone wanted me to lose and fall because I would react to their expressions every time that it would happen and believe that they were ‘mean to me’ because they would solace to the idea of me falling/ being second or third place an losing my usual position.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within such experiences wherein I believed that everyone was on to ‘see me fall’ and that their happiness depended on ‘seeing me fall/ make a mistake/ fuck up,’ wherein I believed that all eyes were on me and that I was constantly ‘in the spotlight,’ which is essentially the usual delusion we get imbued with wherein we believe that we are the center of the universe and that everyone is looking at us, expecting something from us without ever actually taking a moment to realize: this is me doing this to myself, this is me trying to catch up with an illusion as the cage that I have built for myself wherein I believe I can’t ‘get out’ or I’ll ‘lose’ the ‘who I am’ toward others and myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to associate honor as an inherent recognition that I had to keep up in my reality with good grades wherein being a ‘perfect student’ gave me the recognition that I had not allowed myself to give to myself regardless of ‘who I was’ within the school system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that being a ‘good student’ at the eyes of my teachers made me ‘special’ and ‘unique’ – which eventually caused much strain the moment that I saw the division that would ensue between my other classmates wherein such specialness was seen as ‘preferential treat’ and causing them to later on develop patterns of bullying toward me – which is what lead me to not want to ‘stand out in the spotlight’ any longer, because I did not want to suffer again.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of going to school because of having to face my classmates after I had filed a complain about the bullying at school, which made me really anxious and fearful with regards to being left alone and having all my ‘friends’ suddenly against me for being a whistle blower about my situation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever use this point as a manipulation as to why I had a reason to ‘suffer’ in my world, without ever realizing that it was actually all that I had created for myself, a point that I deliberately sought and fought to maintain which obviously lead to create an opposition due to how much effort/ zeal I would imprint onto my school application which is what became like a constant war zone instead of a learning ground wherein I could simply walk in a normal pace.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to impose these rigid schemes of ‘who I had to be’ just to keep up this idea of myself as ‘the perfect student’ without ever asking: who will I be without it? why am I so petrified to lose this position?

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within the system of competition and reward and honorable places in the school system wherein the obvious separation and discrimination that is brewed in classrooms become the reality of a world wherein hierarchy is then the way to ‘rule’ within the system. You get trained to either be a ‘leader’ or a ‘follower’ and in that, accepting the fact that not everyone would have equal opportunities to develop their skills efficiently within and throughout the Education system.

Actually there is no such thing as an equal possibility for all people to have such opportunity as the current Educational system is just like an IQ test that doesn’t consider each individual’s special abilities/ capabilities and developing different pedagogical programs to ensure each being is able to learn with different methods/ options – No, the current system is a cookie-cutter system wherein some would fit in it with the utmost efficiency and some others would literally swallow each year hoping to not get kicked out. It’s really terrible to have this as such hierarchy levels are then built at school, in classrooms wherein people begin identifying each other according to the grades they have and in that, an entire stratification of society is ‘in the making.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had something ‘special’ within me that made it all seem so simple to walk through school,  creating a ‘bipolar’ experience within it such as feeling ‘good’ about it yet ‘bad’ at the same time because why can I have it so easy in getting good grades while others have to go through hell to achieve similar or even less than results?

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live out to such points of recognition with proud and modesty wherein I would later on create the opposite experience when realizing that others could not ever ‘get’ to the same position I was in, which really worried me but I was told not to worry because they were only probably ‘lazy’ or ‘not dedicated enough,’ which is how I accepted and allowed the world of inequality as a direct result of each one’s direct participation, never ever considering the entire set of factors that have ensured that such disparity and polarity exist in this world to continue a system based on friction as in having some deliberately wanting to achieve ‘the best’ all the time and in that, generating the necessary opposition, competition and rivalry that has kept this entire system in its polarized status quo.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop rivalry and consider as ‘enemies’ fellow classmates at a very tender age because of hearing how they were ‘on to get me’ and out of fear I simply made sure that I would not allow them to get into my position not realizing that within that, I was becoming part of the game of competing against each other and being under strenuous pressure and constant anxiety/stress because of fearing that they would eventually get ‘better grades than me.’ I mean now that I see it, it is absolutely exhaustive to even remember how bad it was having to keep up this idea/ image of myself toward others and existing in constant competition.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to apparently stop caring that much about grades while continuing being ‘responsible’ and obtaining good-grades yet developing this ‘opposed’ personality to what I had been as a little girl wherein I deliberately would get ‘down from the top of the hill’ not to an equality level, but below sea level wherein I wanted to be simply ‘normal’ as in being a kid that struggles, that fucks up, that makes mistakes as that seemed to be what everyone was talking, a point of identification between one another  and ‘I’ wanted to be part of that – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop an opposite personality as in seeking degradation and problems as that seemed to be what ‘life was about,’ and in that believing that I was “equalizing” myself with others that didn’t have it as easy as me to walk a life of ‘success’ and recognition.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately sabotage me when and while desiring to be ‘a mortal’ and in such position deliberately place myself within relationships and situations wherein I knew that it was not what is best for all, but I wanted to get ‘my hands dirty’ in the sense of experiencing what others were experiencing and doing just because of having defined my life as dull, secure and perfect.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define ‘normal’ as in having ups and downs and riding the rollercoaster of ‘life’ as desiring love, relationships, being miserable for not having them and essentially creating a pattern of being a ‘regular being’ that has stories to tell about how fucked up ‘life’ apparently is and in that, deliberately stand within relationships that I knew were not ‘best for myself,’ but a part of me desired to be equally fucked up as others, just to know what ‘that’ would be like and how I would experience myself within such misery, which was like a false sense of compassion wherein I actually never really ‘cared’ about others, but only developing my own inner energetic experiences that I realized were equally satisfactorily as when I was ‘on a high’ in success and recognition and ‘happiness,’ I could get the same experience out of being depressed, miserable and essentially submerged into a self created torment that I would feed with music, words, books and people in my world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek to overcome my ‘old me’ through creating an opposite polarity and pattern that went for the exact opposite points that I had defined myself by/ as such as running away from recognition, wanting to stand in the background, wanting to not be ‘seen’ yet defining everything of this experience based on having lived a life in ‘the spotlight’ throughout school years and having tested out what constant competition an desire to keep a certain place was like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge these experiences as ‘petty’ and insignificant when compared to the reality of others, which is the point that lead me to deliberately seek experiences that would seem ‘more real’ for the actual fuckedupness they represented, without realizing that I must expose and walk the ‘good/ positive’ that I have lived as the opposite creation stemming from the inherent negative point that separation creates in our world and reality.

 

So, I was ‘glad’ in a sense that as I went by/ through my school years, that definition of myself as being ‘better than others’ remained only as a judgment that others would mostly impose onto me, I seriously stopped caring as much as I did as a little child because my body was really protesting about my mental obsessions. I’m glad I did hear my mother within that and realizing that I wasn’t only ‘worth’ that which I was able to obtain and ‘be’ in/ at school but that I was worth by who I am as myself – and that did support me to not only value myself as my school grades, but start realizing that I was ‘more’ than just ‘a good student.’

But! What I did is that because I had only lived as the image of ‘the good student’ I sought to be praised valued in ‘other means’ which is how I realized that I had to create relationships outside of school and develop a particular personality wherein I could be ‘valued’ for ‘who I really was’ as the personality that I deliberately created in order to attract/ live/ obtain a certain lifestyle that I learned from books, media that I wanted to mimic – and in this, becoming part of the system that aspires to become something/ someone greater and better and successful in a rather ‘unusual way’ which is how I developed the entire black sheep or alternative-personality that stood out of the usual standards in society as that would make me ‘more special’ and ‘unique,’ not by ‘who I was’ as an apparent intelligent person, but as a ‘beingness’ as a personality – you can read more about that in:  2012 The hard and soft veneers

 

  I commit myself to create and develop educational systems wherein we ensure that each human being is able to get proper education according to their skills and abilities wherein there will be no more ‘grading programs’ that ensue hostility, separation and hierarchical values between kids/ students – it is our responsibility to ensure that all have a proper foundation to develop themselves to the utmost potential. This implies that a great education reform is required, and this can only happen through politics within the framework of the Equal Money System.

 

For further support, visit:

Desteni

Desteni Forum

 

Read great support to understand about who we are and what we have become as humanity

• Day 19 – Rotten Love

• The Secret Energy-Consuming Machine Revealed: DAY 19

Great interviews on the Educational systems and the corrections required to ensure no hierarchies are perpetuated within the educational systems:

• 
  

  How the Education-Systems Filters Humanity

• Apathy control

• 
  

  The Inversion of Purpose and Diversion of Life

Day 7– Deconstructing Sugar

Yesterday we had a chat with regards to food and quitting sugar, which is a point I have been consciously procrastinating due to the extent of the relationship that I have created with all things that create a sense of satisfaction, which are related to: sugar! I wrote out yesterday how obvious it was in my body experiencing the rush of sugar, I have made vlog about it as well in the past and I ‘reduced’ sugar for a while, then went back to it or at least not giving specific self-direction to the point, which was leaving the back door open for me to go in and out whenever I wanted.

 

This is about me as the creator of my own preferences, quirks and chemical addictions such as sugar. I am aware that this point is ‘far more extensive’ than any other relationship I’ve had, as this is about food that I’ve become so used to eating and ‘sweetening’ my life with, wherein it obviously at times became the ‘consolation price’ for all emotional down-loops, which is the most common way to divert my attention from what’s here.

 

I also realize that the last time that I was talking with my mother about sugar and stopping it, she told some something like ‘oh don’t be so hard in yourself, it’s not like you won’t ever eat anything with sugar ever again’ and in that, I could see how I gave myself this leeway to keep eating it as ‘the only pleasures left in life.’ I have also defined myself or creating myself a reputation for liking sugary things, specially when it comes to going out with my parents and having the opportunity to eat apfel strudel, lol my perdition.

 

I have to forgive myself the relationships that I build with the people that I buy food from. An example is stopping a relationship with a woman in the bakery as that friendliness is what kept me going to such bakery even if it was definitively more expensive than others. But then, I’ve created yet another relationship with other people where bread was cheaper and I made a habit of buying the same bread which lead the people there know what I like and identify me as the predictable robot I’ve become when it comes to buying items. God, the same in the supermarket actually… What is this revealing to me? That I have also compromised myself to buy and consume based on the relationships that I create with people and how they ‘identify me’ according to what I buy.

 

I cannot continue compromising myself in any way. I mean, if I walk past the bakery on a daily basis and I won’t buy there any longer, I might as well go in there to let them know that I won’t be buying bread from them as I have to take care of my sugar addiction. LOL

 

I realized how I have allowed sugar in my life as a ‘treat’ and I would deliberately ignore the side effects that I had to ‘endure’ as opposed to the deliciousness that was eating a cake for example. I mean, this should be read as masochism here, I’ve experienced how it is not cool for my body yet I kept doing it.

So in these seemingly ‘making up for’ type of experiences, we accept a LOAD of bs that comes in the form of ‘small allowances’ such as when you buy something and believe that you will be able to keep it for a week, and end up eating the whole thing in a few hours only. Stuff like that is creating the necessary alarms to realize: hello, I am not being the directive principle in my world, I am allowing myself to simply indulge into it for the comfort I experience within my body as I consume food that is ‘sweet.’

Ludicrous, we have created relationships toward food of course, and in that we have made of such a vital point an addiction, which is just an outflow of having made of our own thoughts a surrogate living as well as the emotions and feelings tied to ‘living’ as well as eating.

 

So let’s begin with that:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link sugar to a positive experience within my body wherein I have associated everything that is sugary as something that I ‘like’ by default and that I cannot say ‘no’ to, without realizing that as I stand as the directive principle within me, I have to create such ability to not be driven by a mental desire to eat sugar, but instead discipline myself to support my body with meals that are not creating me an ‘instant gratification’ such as sugary meals.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a self-definition base on it being ‘too difficult’ to quit sugar which means I was giving up before even trying it, which is ‘the’ point of self interest as a nice-fluffy experience that I can get from eating sugar, which I must now discipline myself to re-direct in a supportive manner, which is the process that I’ll be walking as I face this point.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let go of the idea of me being a sucker for desserts and specially, apfel strudel that I have defined as my favorite dessert of all time. I realize that deserting of myself as the idea of being an ‘apfel strudel sucker’ is something that I must let go of in order to stop existing as that energetic tie to it as a picture in my head of what I ‘enjoy,’ without realizing how much backchat it would occupy in my mind when being abroad and not able to get that specific apfel strudel that I like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a thinking-relationship to getting the treats that I ‘like’ and in that, using my mind to continuously manipulate myself into getting that ‘quick fix’ of eating something sweet, without actually taking into consideration what sugar is and what it actually does to my body.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate giving direction to stopping sugar because of fearing ‘missing out the sweetness of life’ by stopping eating sugar and bread and all of which I had created a relationship defined as ‘comfort’ and ‘consolation,’ which is mostly a coping mechanism when I am not willing to face myself a certain point that I am allowing to accumulate within me as backchat –  have resorted to instead cover it up by using something sweet to eat to neglect the actual experience that I am creating within myself and go into a sense of ‘satisfaction’ after it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create relationships of giving myself ‘rewards’ or ‘treats’ that I would create a relationship toward as that energetic longing for it, which is how I require to stop and see who I am without such treats and how I am able to replace such sugary treats with vegetables and other meals that are supportive and nutritional other than a piece of bread.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the sensation of chewing something that I have defined as ‘whole’ and ‘filling’ such as bread in my mouth and stomach.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect the common sense that something that is altering my physical body to a sense of discomfort while digesting it, is simply not cool for my body and that I should stop it, yet instead allowed me to ‘swallow’ the side effects because of considering it to be the ‘consequences to bear’ for having such a pleasant and delightful taste in my mouth – and mind – out of eating something sweet.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat something that I know beforehand won’t support my physical body providing actual nutrients,  but instead allowed me to abuse my body to digest such gulps of sugar ‘just because of liking the flavor/ taste’ of it, and the sense of comfort and fulfillment that I would get out of it, which is my mind creating an energetic experience out of eating, which is certainly Not supportive at all.

 

I am here to support my physical body and that means stopping that which I have researched, realized and experienced in my body to be equal to  poison that makes my entire blood rush throughout my veins in an abnormal pace, which means that I am forcing and exhilarating my physical functioning at some level that is Not supportive for myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my organs and my physical body that had to digest such amounts of sugar and me neglecting the actual strain that I’ve experienced to digest sugars, yet allowed it in the name of pleasure and a ‘piece of heaven’ such as when eating bread, cakes, apfel strudel and cookies – and in a lesser value: chocolate.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created such ‘untouchable’ items in my diet like eating bread and consuming that which is always ‘nice to grab a bit from,’ because of wanting to fulfill and satiate the usual sugar cravings that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to – yes, I must realize that I am dealing here with a life long dependency as the acceptance of sugar within me as a stimulant to create a sense of ‘feeling good,’ no different to seeking love and light, really.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of sugar to ‘being cared for/ being appreciated/ being pampered/ being spoiled’ from the relationship of getting such sugary stuff from my parents whenever I go to visit them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to place value in a person that I met and made me 5 different types of cakes for my birthday and equating that to ‘care’ and ‘appreciation.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependency to eat ‘sweet stuff’ such as bread or sweet rice in order to give myself ‘a bit of a reward’ during the day, as if I had to be consoled and fulfilled with such moments of eating ‘sugary stuff’ equated to ‘me caring for myself,’ without realizing that such sugar has no nutritional value at all and that it is certainly not necessary within my every day diet. Thus, I walk the process to prove to myself that I can continue living without eating these obvious items that contain high levels of sugar.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist quitting sugar and having procrastinated it for such a long time, because of fearing missing out on that which I have defined as ‘the most enjoyable stuff’ as eating something that I can have a sense of fulfillment through and as sugar.

 

I know it is possible to stop as some other Destonians have shared their on processes of stopping sugar and I could see myself just keeping quiet throughout the chat because I resisted placing a commitment to do the same and stop eating the most obvious items that contain sugar – there is also a point of ‘oh what if I ‘fail’?- but I can’t, because I’ve made decisions to quit other stuff in my life that was obviously addictive – including people and activities. I also understand that the relationship I’ve created with sugar is quite a ‘tough one’ in relation to how I have accepted myself as always requiring something ‘sweet’ to end the meals with, even if it was a sip of some juice or ‘fiber cookies’ or some other ‘taste’ that I could satisfy my desire to EXPERIENCE the sugary taste in my mouth as ‘the final taste.’

 

I have recently cut eating yogurt which had been part of my self-religion in food, it’s probably a month of that already – I tried quitting milk right away but my body went absolutely aloof, so I’m still drinking it in a very reduced manner – this is also in relation to the processes we’re walking and how we require to support our physical in relation to the meals I have been so used to eating and that I cannot just ‘cut out’ overnight. 

 

And so, I commit myself to stop eating any sugary stuff – specifically bread which I have defined as a ‘filler’ in both a physical and experientially speaking as that moment of actually chewing the bread as a ‘relief,’ as a satiating moment that I have defined as ‘giving myself a treat’ due to the obvious amounts of sugar it contains.

 

Sugar is a must stop – there are diabetics in both sides of my family. Actually I know that my grandmother died of diabetes and my sister – when she was little – would hand her chocolates in a secretive manner until she died. So, I see myself in that mirror and realizing that I do have a predisposition to being a sugar junky – the same with my other grandmother that is also dead and would be a yogurt junky, lol.

So, evidence proves that I must stop sugar, I have been also more aware of this sensations that food produce within me and yesterday I went to the shop and bought some greens and vegetables, which is something that I was only buying every now and then. I also realize that I will take the opportunity to find out how my body works without rice – which has become ‘the main meal’ in my diet – yet it makes absolute sense that it does turn into sugar as any other grain, including wheat. I knew this from my sister – who is a nutritionist – yet I continued fooling myself because of the routine, remaining in the status quo with what I eat – I  mean this uncovers how I tend to make of my days a bit of a ritualistic movement – however it’s going much better.

I am not as obsessed with cleaning as I was before, and having everything ‘perfectly’ around me, I am less concerned about ‘how things look’ around me yet I have to be aware of making it functional as well. And so, within this entire point of walking the physical process, something that Bernard said got stuck in me the other day in relation to creating patterns and habits that are supportive as we are now walking the physical process. Thus I realize that it is the ‘perfect time’ to establish that which I am willing to maintain as a living-experience in the physical as myself.

 

I have made a habit of buying bread as the only ‘treat’ I give to myself. I walked it in a mind construct a few months ago, lol and I only stopped going to ‘that’ bakery that I wrote the mind construct about, but then found a cheaper one which made it easier for me to have access to bread again. So, I realize that identifying all the points is key and I am perfectly aware when I make the ‘decision’ or should I say when I indulge-into stopping by the bakery and buying bread. I usually associate it with a reward system that I have created for myself in relation to what I eat – which I took as ‘normal’ as in ‘giving myself a treat’ but I see that I can become quite sneaky when it comes to these allowances and not really disciplining myself to it.

 

However, I am taking it bit by bit, I do take my body into consideration to reduce the amounts of it little by little as I’ve seen how cutting down meals that I had built myself of can be quite disturbing in an overall physical experience that is not comfortable at all.

 

I also realize that I must increase meat consumption with that, which I can only see I have limited myself to because of money – so there you go! our experience, nutrition and relationship to food is directly linked to how much money we have. I am perfectly aware that I could buy all of such variety if I had the money to do so, and seek for organic stuff that is absolutely expensive here. So, at the moment I’ll seek for the best options which means buying more vegetables, which are certainly not expensive.

 

So, thanks for all that have shared their experiences with stopping sugar, that is the type of support and ‘inspiration’ that I required because this is one of the points that absolutely goes ‘against Marlen’s will’ I mean, me the cookie-girl no way! – lol yes I once sold cookies during summer time with my cousins and called ourselves ‘cookie girls’ – we would bake cookies and sell them to our neighbors, it was quite fun but we obviously would eat the remains and so, that was not supportive at all.

 

This point of liking desserts is yet another ‘chunk’ of myself that I have created and continued to generate as a positive experience – I mean, I’m glad that I have come to build a taste for vegetables – thanks to my mother that would nag me to do so – but now I have to actually get rid of that which would ‘console’ my desire to experience something ‘sweet’ within me. So I’ll continue walking this point as I go, for now this is it.

 

I commit myself to being this process of cutting down sugar to eventually be able to stand and see that I am still here after quitting all major sources of sugar in my daily diet.

 

For further support:

• Letting Go of Sugar Addiction

• Facebook group: Redefining Food

• 2010 How to Stop a Sugar Addiction

• 2010: Stopping Sugar Addiction Vlog

• 2011 Addicted to SUGAR? ENERGY? Thoughts? Your Mind?

   

 

Blogs of the Day:

• Creation’s Journey to Life: Day 6: Blank Slate Mind Zombies

• Heaven’s Journey to Life: DAY 6: Who I Am as Money – continued

 

Self Interest

Within walking this process there are times when there is a perceived ‘conflict of interest’ wherein our personal preferences/interests collide with that which we know is best for all.

See how in essence the only way that we’re able to create such conflict is if we’re considering this process as something ‘separate’ from ourselves, as a separate application which I recognize it will most likely ‘feel’ as such, and be as ‘icky’ as such because we’ve never have walked anything similar to this process of Self Honesty, Self Forgiveness and Self Correction as human beings – ever. It’s only through us amalgamating ourselves as process that such barrier is then erased as the mental-limitation it exists as.

The point to consider here is how within walking the process and as we go realizing what Self Honesty is and how to live in a Common-Sensical manner, the remains of that which stood as self-interest within the context of egotistical traits will simply become part of that which we’ll walk through/as Self Forgiveness in Self Honesty.  Eventually, Self Interest becomes the living consideration of ourselves as the whole within the principle of what’s best for all. This way, there’ll be no collision existent within ourselves as our ‘personal traits’ as habits/interests or anything else, as we’ll be living in a common sensical way wherein anything that stood as a potential point of harm or abuse or negligence towards ourselves or another will be sorted out as we sort out ourselves from our personality/ego as the mind and start directing ourselves equal and one as it.

Then Self Interest will only exist and be lived as that which is best for all within the Equality Equation as best for me equal and one.

For further support, visit Desteni.

Don’t Turn your Back on Life (2008)