Tag Archives: haters

596. The Gifts of Criticism

Or how to walk from a reaction to criticism towards an acknowledgement, discernment, learning and embracing of it as a way to assist ourselves to grow and develop ourselves to better ourselves in many ways.

I was listening to this documentary IDO PORTAL – JUST MOVE (filmed by London Real) while preparing some canvasses yesterday and it was quite amazing to hear the parallels that can be drawn from walking through this mind-self change process that some of us have been working on for the past 9 years and someone developing physical movement in all sorts of ways in their body in order to ‘master’ themselves, which becomes not so much about the end result, but the process of ‘mastering the craft’ as Ido says.

To begin with, this documentary or ‘topic’ is something that I would not have been ‘interested’ on years ago, yet the more I saw the name of this guy being shared around within the London Real channel, the more I got curious about it and this recently released documentary is quite a recommended and enjoyable thing to watch because it’s an awesome confirmation of many of the principles and ‘tests’ I’ve gone through in my own life within developing things I thought I would ‘never do’ and in general within this process of self-change – or dare I say the ‘reinvention’ process of myself.

There are many, many points that are valuable in it and it serves as a great source to cross-reference ‘who one is’ in relation to what Ido shares, however one that got my attention is where he speaks about criticism, which you can watch/hear here https://youtu.be/qJDz7qHBGQg?t=53m14s and there are a few points that I want to take on and write out because I consider that many times, for anyone starting to do something new, or doing something ‘for the first time’ or completely ‘out of the box’ of ‘normalcy’ in this world  – which easily can be associated with embarking oneself in this process of developing self-awareness and self-forgiveness and getting to change in our day to day living – can seem like a daunting task, something that one is ‘never ready for’ and sometimes we allow criticism to ‘overpower’ ourselves if we start reacting to our own ‘beliefs’ about not being able to do it, or about others’ sudden rather ‘harsh’ input in how we are doing things or how we are ‘changing,’ not questioning what of ourselves can be ‘hurt’ by criticism.

Many times throughout sharing my vlogs related to this process on YouTube I learned to read the worst of the worst kind of criticism, trolling and bullying that you can imagine: judging everything about my voice and the way that I speak, how I look, how wrong I am in my statements, how they wish I would die or how I should go kill myself.. all kinds of stuff, not worth mentioning or typing here really, but you get the idea.

Of course the initial experience for most people is to react and go into defense mode, try and ‘win against’ those that bully/troll in that sense, but in my case I also learned to start seeing where such words reflected back to the person that expressed them – and other times being able to humbly recognize they were truly supportive feedback even if myself/my ego didn’t like it, because they enabled me to look at myself, my stance, the way I spoke and start questioning the righteousness in my ‘intellectualism’ that I many times shared in my YouTube videos as ‘this is how things are and that’s it’ – lol, the ‘fascist me’ as I call it – which led me to in fact question in a very honest manner towards me: what is it about myself and my expression that is being shared from a starting point of fear: fear of being told I’m wrong, fear of receiving criticism, fear of being seen as weak, fear of not being credible enough… all those fears were there, so what did I do next? I then worked on really seeing what of ‘my ego’ can be hurt through criticism, writing it out, self-forgiving it and applying a humbleness and understanding to it, while of course practically not allowing the ‘overwhelming’ experience criticism can create to take me for a ride, which sure can be difficult but, any process of change involves that kind of challenge and resistance and difficulty, hence my suggestion to watch Ido’s documentary as well who explains this beautifully.

I grew up being a child that was mostly praised by adults and at times hated/envied/bullied by my peers, because it seems we like to destroy that which is in any way perceived as being ‘ahead of us’ and through the support of my mother in those days, I learned to grow a ‘thick skin’ to it and realize that whatever others said or did towards me spoke more about ‘who they are’ not about ‘me’ in essence, and started to learn to ‘take the heat’ so to speak, though not really yet learning to ‘reflect’ on such criticism or learning to ‘discern’ things, which eventually took me to create a certain ‘defensive stance’ that was still ‘here’ within me not until long ago.  

However I have also been on the other side of the coin, where I have craved feedback, I have craved criticism from those that know me best and so far only one person keeps having the guts to let me know where I am still being ‘taken over’ by myself in my ego/mind patterns, which is my mother and I’m grateful for that because it is so that only those that have known you for such a long time can really have a stand point to let you know where you are ‘losing your ground’ in any given moment.

Many times I have asked partners and friends to let me know when I am losing my ground, where I am becoming a ‘problem’ about something, where I am being righteous, where I am being one-dimensional or ‘tunnel visioned’ about something and I’m also grateful that I’ve had such wake up calls from them and other people here and there, but ultimately I realize that no one has the ‘imperative’ duty to let me know all of these things, that I can also get to see these points for myself when observing me in self-honesty as ‘who I am’ in the words I write, in how I express, in what I create, in how I decide to work and do things… it becomes a self-evident measure which then I use as a way to develop self-trust so that even if those that I’ve come to ‘trust’ the most can come at me with certain criticism, I can know and be honest with myself about it being a fact or being a perception or interpretation coming from them – and that’s where self-honesty is the key to see ‘who am I’ in the eye of criticism.

To me facing, dealing with, reading, listening, getting to know of criticism about myself has been one of the most challenging yet most supportive points in my life, and not long ago I was still fearing how certain people would ‘see me’ based on certain decisions I’ve made in my life and through walking through the fears of that ‘potential criticism’ I’ve realized one thing: the worst only critic exists within myself, I am the only one that can allow myself to be ‘affected’ by words, I am the only one that can accept and allow a certain word to cause an effect within me, and you know what? If it does, then, that’s actually quite great! How else would I know that I am still holding on to an ‘idea’ of myself as ‘untouchable’ or ‘superior’ or where I am still standing in inferiority to a word, a concept, an idea if no one would dare to come at me with certain words of criticism? And here’s an awesome audio that opens this up nicely as well and that I recommend having a listen to: Who Are You When Challenged – The Future of Awareness – Part 91

 

If anything, I actually would like to get more feedback in whatever I do and am, because in that it doesn’t mean that I have to change myself to be what others want me to be, it doesn’t mean that what others say will be ‘right,’ but because I can always learn something from anything that anyone has to say about me – either about separating the wheat from the chaff as they say as in taking what I can test out/apply/try out as a way to expand myself and test ‘new ways’ discerning what’s supportive and what’s plain backchat/reactions coming from others and ‘who they are’ towards someone that maybe is projected as a reaction to the challenges experienced through my doings/expression, or where one becomes a ‘boxing bag’ for them to blame for everything they can be dissatisfied for in their own lives… both and possibly many more reasons and starting points may exist in criticism.

I’ve done such kind of criticism as well, in fact I was sharing with an old friend yesterday how I was ‘wired’ to be constantly criticizing everything and everyone, which is the same as judging or creating ‘beliefs’ about anything that’s ‘out there’ of course within that ‘vantage’ point of seeing my judgments as right and just… lol the typical self-delusion. And so how it took me a process to really get down from my ‘high horse’ and start to truly hear/read/see criticism from others towards myself as a supportive process for me to ‘see me through the eyes of others’ and get to know what is it that can in fact be ‘standing out the most’ in creating more reactions in people than support.

In that, I got to test out new ways of expressing myself: stopping wanting to seem ‘absolutist’ and ‘right’ at all times – or fearing being wrong – being less intimidating or stopping wanting to ‘impose’ myself onto others – being less attackative or stopping fearing being undermined or ‘proven wrong’ by others, being less self-infatuated or learning to question my principles through trial and error – and stop being arrogant or stop seeing ‘my way’ as ‘the only way’ to live life – which is how I can agree I ‘felt’ within myself while sharing experiences, knowledge and information in my YouTube videos for example – and how that is definitely something I continue to work on in being more ‘chilled’ about things, which has proven to be a physical process of literally relaxing, not being as ‘tense’ and ‘anxious’ and ‘rigid’ in my expression, but to allow myself to actually ‘breathe’ and be more in my body as I am communicating and expressing with others.

That way I took criticism to really look at myself and test out a few changes that I can now reference have in fact been very supportive within my current life and the way I relate to others and how genuinely enjoyable it is for me to ‘be me’ currently, whereas before I would still feel like being in a constant battlefield where anyone was an ‘enemy’ that I had to watch out my back for and be constantly assessing ‘who was out to get me’ type of thing, lol, yes like living ‘war’ mentality within me, all because of mostly fearing criticism… man, have I limited myself so much because of this and it’s not like I am ‘completely over it,’ nope, it’s still a point to continue walking but here I’m sharing some distinctive differences around it.

Even recently someone came at me with quite a nasty kind of defamation and twisting of information about something I once shared with them, and for a moment I could notice there was this reaction coming up until I forced myself to re-read and see how what was being said was a plain attack, with no validity or veracity to it and how the intent was mostly to – sorry for the words – but spread shit about myself. I was able to then cross reference ‘who I am’ in the face of being criticized, judged in this particular way, understand the person, their possible context and starting point for it, self forgive the initial ‘knee-jerk’ reaction and then let it go, because there was truly nothing to ‘learn’ from such trolling.

Back to Ido Portal here, I can relate to what he says in what he once believed he wanted to be which was ‘to be liked by everyone’ which I also really tried hard to do before – and now I realize that it’s not about being ‘accepted’ or liked by others, but simply be myself, developing that stance of ‘this is me, this is the new me that can stand by my words, that is aware of what I say, do, decide to act on and then whatever ‘heat comes at me’ I can take the criticism, work with my reactions if there are any, take the considerations as constructive feedback and keep moving on’ which also exists within a humbleness of being open to learn from others, to learn to question my own ‘tenets’ and be willing to hear different perspectives and ways of living life, which lol, was quite a difficult thing for me to embrace some years ago, but it’s cool to deliberately be challenging myself within that.

As Ido says, critics, trolls, haters usually don’t provide feedback from a practical ‘walking in your own shoes’ point which means they usually lack understanding of the process that it takes to be/become/express/do what one does, and within that it makes sense to obviously discard criticism that is not at all considering the time, the practice, the trial and error, the evolution, the changes, the adaptations that any point of creation or change involves. As he says, it’s not to avoid criticism either but to embrace it for growth and self-development – which ultimately it is so, it’s about having a ‘mirror’ of sorts wherein we can reflect back to ourselves to see how is it that what we are sharing is being received by others, and to me that’s something really precious in life, sincerely, because that’s what I personally enjoy about being a human being, where I can learn about myself through others, I can learn new things, new ways, new approaches from others and in turn also get to hear or read how other people have benefited from who I am, what I am, what I share, how I share, how I live – I consider that that’s already one steps into ‘making an impact’ on someone in a supportive manner.

Of course I am aware how I have probably also impacted people in and for all the ‘wrong reasons’ or ‘the wrong way’ as they say, but then it would also become an opportunity for them to question certain things, to maybe ‘snap’ themselves out of a certain expectation and be confronted with a more harsh, direct and ‘challenging’ point of view which I can now relate to as ‘who I was’ in those old YouTube videos that I certainly have to stop being ashamed of myself and understand within the context of who I was at that time, at that moment in my process and ultimately see that it might have assisted others to ‘check themselves’ if they felt affected, insulted or plainly attacked by whatever I said – that will be my part to take responsibility for, where I wasn’t being clear within me when sharing, where I deliberately wanted to attack ‘the perceived wrong side’ of things and where I wasn’t truly embracing ‘both sides’ as myself, because antagonism has certainly been one of the main ‘wires’ in my overall ‘wiring’ in my mind – and for that I’ve forgiven myself for not taking ‘all sides’ into considerations – and I continue to catch myself doing this and continue to learn how to practically embrace all sides, which is also quite an expansive, nurturing and fascinating process to me.

So, something I got from the documentary as well is how we have to have the courage to do things differently, to break our patterns, to decide to ‘stand up from the crowd’ not in an egotistical/superiority way, but to challenge the status quo and this begins with all the ways that we ‘share’ ourselves, which as it was recently mentioned in an Eqafe interview, we share ourselves all the time that we are around people, with words or actions, they all represent forms of communication and to me this entails both a gift and a responsibility that I have towards myself and so towards others to honor that ability, that capacity of understanding, of verbalizing, of moving, of doing that I can use as a constant point of expression, like constantly making sure who I am and what I do can become an ‘act of creation’ in itself – just like the one project I said I would do in terms of ‘becoming my own work of art’ and that’s truly then embracing our capacity as creators and authors in our own life.

In this chat I had with this friend yesterday, it was interesting to see how he considers this same point of responsibility towards himself as part of what he defines as ‘godly’ as ever present in everything, that ‘divinity’ if you will that exists within it all – which I call life – and as such it’s about taking responsibility for it/as it, honor it ourselves in the best way that we can. Of course the ‘ways’ to do it are as varied as there are human beings in this world, but that’s also what I’ve learned to see as unique and enjoyable, no two ‘human beings’ will have the absolute same ‘truth’ to themselves even if united by the same principles, it will always be different, unique yet always relatable to one another as ‘who we are’ towards one another.

So that’s how I’ve been walking a process to discharge my relationship to ‘criticism’ experienced in a negative way only and actually learn to embrace it, in my case many times being thankful whenever one comes at me challenging my perceived ‘truth’ or ‘righteousness’ because it’s not many people that dare to be so upfront with me either, and that’s something I’d like to challenge as well, because if anything I can learn a lot more from it in seeing who am I in relation to that criticism, discerning what I can use to learn, expand, grow and develop myself further and what is the kind of criticism that only contains reactions, projections with no supportive substance at all.

Another point I’ve learned is to take responsibility for my criticism towards others. If I am perceiving something is not ‘good enough’ and I have ideas of how to make it better, I am not just placing them out for ‘others to do and implement’ and leave the work-load for others to ‘do that for me,’ but I am learning to take responsibility/be in charge of my own criticism and turn it into a proposal for change and expansion that I can actively create and commit myself to contribute with, which is a way where one can take that stand of not only ‘noticing flaws’ and blaming or pointing fingers at others because ‘they are not doing it,’ but rather turn it into a self-empowering point of contributing to the cause, of being the one that does, acts, creates that which we can see is ‘missing’ within something or that could better things for everyone – now that’s quite a constructive criticism as well that leads to actions, doings, to creating changes for the betterment of something or someone, which is lined to sharing responsibility, to empowering oneself in such capacities as well and of course considering the benefit for ourselves and others in it.

Here also making sure that I am aware of ‘who I am’ within that criticism or providing such feedback, if I am doing so from a starting point of blame and disempowerment or if I am truly genuinely wanting to assist with something to better it, and that’s also something where I can only check within myself and how even if it may be perceived as finding faults or blame, I can only ever focus on making sure my starting point is clear, which also makes room for becoming more specific in how to communicate things in a way where one’s intent, starting point and contribution is clear for all people involved in such situation.

So, if there’s any reaction of disempowerment, feeling ‘not good enough’ etc. when getting criticism by others – or even within one’s own mind  it’s definitely time to place it out on paper, write it out, using self-forgiveness to see ‘who am I’ or ‘what of me’ is being ‘hurt’ by it, where am I going into disempowerment, where am I actually believing myself to not be capable to stand this ‘heat’ of the moment and use that to strengthen ourselves, to identify our weaknesses and actively work on re-aligning ourselves within them to a version of ourselves that can learn to read/watch/hear criticism objectively and develop an understanding of ‘where it is coming from’ and discerning what’s supportive and what’s not – that’s something that surely takes some practice but as anything, we all start somewhere and the point is getting to actually Do it, that’s the difference, rather than just remaining wallowing in worry, concern, pity and disempowerment about it, and that’s why I also recommend watching that first part of Ido Portal’s documentary, quite a fascinating parallel to understand what it entails to change at a Physical level – and not only talking about exercise/movements here – but about who we are in our minds as well.

Criticism is a great way to challenge myself and as such, I definitely have open doors to it, I kind of crave it at times which is an imbalance as well lol, so I have to simply take it as it comes and use it constructively as I’ve explained in this blog today.

Thanks for reading.

Please take your time and invest in supporting yourself while also supporting Desteni/Eqafe providing this information/courses that I have benefitted tremendously from and without which I would not have been able to write my story as I did just now, and you can do so by getting self-support audios, all of which will enrich your life in many more ways than what I’ve just shared above, including Ido Portal’s input on several things coincidentally being echoed in the content of this material, which is quite a cool confirmation of how this physical process of self-change takes place:

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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2012 The hard and soft veneers

While listening to Life Review: Keeping Quiet I saw how I was tensing my body, and my muscles were contracting and certain memories passed through my mind, specifically when he mentioned the point of  fearing conflict which was one of the reasons why I played-out and created a ‘nice person’ personality so that I could be the ‘neutral’/ stand in the middle road in all situations and be in a ‘safe zone’, be accepted which means not being opposed/contradicted, not to create any ‘enemies’ which I developed a fear for in terms of having being sort of bullied early on at school and not knowing what to do/ how to react to that, suppressing an entire shock and pretending that I didn’t care.

Interesting, this just came up as I am writing here, I hadn’t even considered that I have in fact played out both characters out of the same ‘fear of conflict.’ I created a ‘strong hold’ personality as well out of fear. This just came up as I remembered stuff like one girl wanting to asphyxiate me in the classroom, it was sort of in a ‘playing mode’ but still it affected me at the level of not knowing how to react/ what to do in such moments. She was one of my ‘best friends’ at the time. Events like these and being picked at for being a ‘smart ass’ early on in elementary school lead me to have my personal-support  coaching to ‘stand up and be stronger,’ which were words mostly provided by my mother which were ‘cool’ at the time to create a defensive mechanism of ‘I am not affected by others words toward myself’ – yet never getting an actual understanding of how or why they would react in such a way and how I simply didn’t have to participate within such judgments allowing that to obfuscate myself and create an entire experience within me.

That’s when I started developing a personality of being ‘tough’ or keeping a certain stance wherein I made sure ‘no one was able to fuck with me’ and this developed as early as elementary school into puberty.  A point that I played out in certain situations – standing within this same ‘tough/ superiority’ role is that I would deliberately test myself getting involved in opinionated conversations in school, just to prove my point right and within that, inflate my ego as this personality, which turned into superiority wherein I would then ‘not give a fuck about anyone else in this world’ because I was apparently ‘above that’/ not able to be affected. 

Now that I look at it, I’ve actually walked both polarities on and off.
One was the personality that I lived earlier in my life which is the one I have described as ‘being above it all,’ staring  at everyone with a blank-face in an ‘I don’t give a reverend fuck’ type of mode. This was also linked to what I’ve shared these past posts of believing myself to be a victim of this world, ‘not belonging here’ and having to deal with ‘stupid humans’ (playing out the superiority complex)– because that is exactly the type of thoughts I had to create in order to not exist ‘in fear’ toward other human beings. This is how I would judge and automatically ‘see’ everyone around me, wherein only those that shared the same views upon people/ this world would be the people I would hang out with – which were about 2, lol.

And as I’ve been walking this point, I can say that this is part of the physical corrections I am still walking I mean, it’s become quite a ‘way of carrying myself in this world’ wherein I would get feedback from others in how I seem to be a grumpy person all the fucking time, when I don’t ‘see’ myself as it, yet this personality has been recorded at such a physical level that I have to be completely Here, aware of myself as my breath to see how I am walking, how I am experiencing my physical body, how I am either frowning or tensing my jaw line when and while walking in the  street, stopping all instant-judgments that I would generate to virtually anyone, all in the same type of ‘shade’ as in belittling others while pretending to be ‘above that’ – yet living such belittling point within myself as an actual ‘nature’ that lead me to develop a ‘strong hold’ as a personality, a ‘hard veneer’ to present to this world, to not be vulnerable, to avoid being hurt = to avoid conflict at all cost.

The other side of the coin was later on becoming the ‘nice personality.’ It’s fascinating to look back at these two faces/ phases of my life which were clearly marked by the type of people I held as friends. Actually now that I see those two friends represented both poles – oh was it such a bomb when they lived together, it was like merging heaven and hell and me stuck in limbo. Eventually I could not keep up with both and had to ‘leave’ the friendship that supported this first aspect of playing out the strong-hold superior type of personality, the gloomy-dark times of absolute pessimism, depression and self judgment wherein I definitely resorted to paint, write and read a lot of books that would equally support this personality.  I can relate to what the man tells in this life review in terms of guarding his books like a treasure, I did the same and I was so ‘content’ with my little bubble of books, cd’s and paintings.

Back to ‘the other side of the coin’ aspect, the ‘glowing’ façade  I experienced in my late teens when having some sort of ‘spiritual awakening’ lol, changing my all black wardrobe to absolute flamboyant pieces of clothing that matched a ‘new perspective’ on life which I deemed to be ‘healthier’ and ‘full of positivity’ – I really thought of myself having ‘found the way’ while seeking some form of ‘higher purpose/ mission in life’ and presenting myself to people with this ever lasting smile, being servile, being ‘loyal’, being ‘positive’ about life, having a ‘good time’ apparently while smoking the hell away to suppress what I was in fact experiencing and still existing-as, without having had any actual direction to see how I was only creating the exact opposite of my past to apparently ‘wipe it out’ only keeping the same point in place but with a new mask that had to eventually blow out as well.

Now, I mention this ‘positive façade’ because in my mind I became very aware how I didn’t want people to antagonize me, I sought for their approval and the only way was making sure that they liked me/ accepted me = they weren’t able to tease me/ oppose me and that’s how I created a rather ‘happy’ person as a presentation of myself,  which ensured that I got everyone’s ‘appreciation’ and no one would dare to become an ‘enemy’ = fearing conflict. I can see how whenever I deemed someone to not like me, I would immediately react toward such being, which was only me projecting the inner fears that I never dealt-with in fact, because I was just covering-up all the fear with a nice benevolent and meek personality, suppressing the hell that I realized later on I had absolutely ‘blacked out’ from my experience through using weed. Yes, this I only got to know of because of all the writings I’ve kept for over 10 years now, wherein the mind-experience would come out, only to eventually forget about it all the next day. It was quite a shock for me to see how in my mind I link that time of my life as ‘glowing happy years,’ yet in fact they were also hell as I continued experiencing a constant inner-struggle and discomfort in my own skin that I simply managed to  suppress more and more all the time. This became unsustainable and it all burnt out to ashes the moment I found Desteni – thank Anu for that, otherwise fuck knows where and what I would be doing now.

The latter personality is still able to be spotted in my first vlogs wherein a bubbly personality comes-through while letting through at times the actual ‘inner experience’ that I was only covering up, which was exactly the  type of walking contradictions we have become as human beings when fighting against ourselves in our mind, and living a double life within ourselves and toward the world. Yes, complete schizophrenics, but we’re here walking our corrective process.

 

So, this point of the ‘nice person’ is still playing out at times, yet asserting myself as I go. When I was at the farm I would react whenever I would see/ hear conflict. This became so obvious to me at some point and it was so cool to face it in one definitive scenario wherein Bernard just spotted it like that:  ‘You Fear Conflict!’ – and yes I was, my entire body was in this constricted state while presenting myself to be ‘cool with it,’ yet being actually fearing to be ‘in the middle of conflict’ even if it wasn’t ‘directed’ toward myself.  Hence I had to walk through the point of realizing that I will be dealing with these situations and having to direct myself to face  reality and stopping the ‘I’m over it all’ and ‘I’m such a nice person you can’t oppose me’ personas which were created as defense mechanisms to not have to stand up in moments of perceived conflict or create any form of  perceived rivalry/ opposition/ antagonism.

What triggered both personality creations was fear and seeing ways to ‘cope’ with the fear of being vulnerable, fear of being hurt, fear of having to take responsibility for myself, fear of having to confront another, fear realizing that I was still belittling myself toward others. It becomes quite clear to see how we develop coping mechanisms to not have to stand up in common sense, which is ludicrous to even place out like this because it doesn’t make any sense to create excuses to not stand up for what we see is common sense, what we see is required to be done, lived, spoken-up about. Instead of using coping mechanisms, we have to create practical ways to face reality, that’s essentially what we’ve learned through walking this process: how to practically direct ourselves in any given situation that we would have previously simply ran away from/ shut down to not face it.

After I became aware of this fear of conflict once that it was ‘in my face,’   I’ve been walking the process of deliberately taking on points of speaking out, commenting, pressing-myself as common sense regardless of what ‘reactions’ it may trigger, because I see and realize that this is the only way to see and test who am I within those situations.  I am able to direct the point within common sense instead of just wanting to get rid of it and not having to face it at all, or having ‘others’ to do it for me, or eventually just pretending that ‘I don’t care’ which is what I saw was quite the nihilist type of defense mechanism, yet dealing with quite extensive inferiority/ in fear of others which lead to a constant requirement to ‘uplift myself’ to ‘keep up with the pressure.’ We were just discussing how it is really energy-draining to keep-up these ideals of ourselves as personalities, while living here in self honesty, as life, is actually very very simple and effortless as it only requires us breathing here.

We have accepted and allowed ourselves to cage each other in this world ‘keeping up’ nice pictures of ourselves as being affable and smiley as well as creating a tough-rough presentation out of fear. This became quite evident when interacting with people that would seem like absolutely ‘tough’ and ‘rough’ and with a haughty way of carrying themselves and getting to see how they were in fact these ‘sensitive, vulnerable beings’ that had developed such image/ presentation as a defense mechanism toward ‘others/ the world, which is then standing as an ‘inferiority’ point in fact, though we require Equal stance in all ways.

If we look at this point it is essentially how gangs are formed and why they exist the way they do. Look at the Maras, they create such self image to portray this literal ‘fearless image’  as beings that are able to provoke fear in others to protect themselves – why? because they are mostly beings that have been born into circumstances of extreme poverty and abuse that they eventually seek a way out of. That’s how they run away from home and become part of gangs that become ‘their family’ = their security, their way of developing an entire self-image that ‘cannot be fucked with’ using the ‘power of unity’ at its max– all because of fear and probably resenting the fact that they are not being considered as equals in this world. Surviving through using these defense mechanisms becomes part of their being, as their full-blown personality and lifestyle that justifies their actions like committing crimes out of that inner experience of having been disregarded within this system from birth. A usual mindset would be ‘Why would they ‘care’ to not ‘harm others’ without considering how they have been neglected/disenfranchised from birth?’

See how in such gangs, striking up confrontations is  actually part of the rites of initiation for 11, 12 year olds that want to become a part of such gangs. They have to endure all of  the pain and fear to ‘become a man,’ to be ‘over it’ – eventually becoming beings that are in fact only walking with a hard veneer out of fear, fear of others, fear of death, fear of anyone that could have more ‘power’ than them in this world, which translates to once again economical disparity wherein the Maras are usually coming from poverty backgrounds.

 

I realize how I have feared conflict, I see how I have created personalities based solely on ‘fearing others,’ developing a stance of being ‘over this world’ or ‘knowing better’ –  yet the point that differs from what we heard on the interview is how I didn’t remain silent. 

Now that I remember, I deliberately decided to start speaking up because I would see my mind filling the gaps in terms of, for example, seeing two people getting into a form of conflict and I would see the common sense of the point – yet because of seeing myself as not wanting to stir up anything and not wanting to ‘lose my friends’ or not wanting to ‘come across as fill in the gap,’ I would remain like the silent person that pretended to be ‘over such conflicts,’ being neutral, feeling/ portraying myself as some wise person that would only speak if enough ‘wisdom’ was at hand to share – quite a deluded position; and as I bring the point here, as I write and rewind on the points in my life wherein I would ‘feel’ this very same way, it is almost like having to keep up with the character, having to ‘sustain’ such silent frame of mind, such ‘wise person’ and ‘peaceful’ type of being – yet the internal conflict was still there, it only grew and grew – the more fear grew, the more I started compounding this experience wherein the only valve of escape was smoking weed and drawing and ‘listening to music,’ while experiencing myself in perpetual annoyance and irritation toward myself, this world and  everything, because of not seeing a ‘way out’ and it was all because of not having dared to face myself, to walk through that which I was gladly just covering up in an ‘everything is fine’ personality wherein the abuse and the gory aspects of this world had been ‘left behind’ to seek for ‘new healthier horizons.’

From this I can see how having being into spirituality, seeking a god and seeking some form of ‘remedy’ to myself and my “reality” were only ways to mitigate the fear and inner conflict that I experienced within me. It is fascinating that no one never really got to ‘know’ what the hell was actually going on inside me as I moved myself throughout my life, only ‘I’ knew, only I could see how while being with others I could create this ‘everything is fine’ personality, literally like a guru that believes that all conflict is just a mind problem and it can just be ‘sorted out’ by remaining in a perpetual resistance to think, speaking the least possible and ‘simply ‘stopping thinking’ which is and would be equal to trying to ‘stop breathing,’ because we see and understand now in our process how it is not about ‘shutting off our mind’ and our thoughts, but to walk a process of self-correction stand one and equal as our mind = being self-directive through actually participating and interacting with others in our world, instead of being taken by a ride by our own thoughts. This is taking self responsibility for ourselves.

 

How have I supported myself to stop fearing conflict? Through writing, applying and living Self Forgiveness, walking a deliberate process of placing myself in the ‘eye of the storm’ not for the sake of ‘proving myself better,’ but to see who am I within the face of such perceived conflicts/ confrontation and seeing who I am within it: am I able to ‘cope’ with it, am I able to stand fully and not fear speaking up, am I still fearing compromising any ‘idea’ of integrity I may have of myself, which can only exist at the ego level that we are here to stop and correct to stand in common sense as equals. This requires me to deliberately ‘push’ myself to participate, how else would I have known that I feared conflict? I mean, even the reason why I had initially created a blog in a service that wasn’t ‘well known’ was part of keeping myself in a safe zone out of ‘creating conflict’ with people in my reality reading my blogs and eventually having any form of reaction toward myself/ my words. I’m glad to say that I found a way today to bring all my blogs into this domain which is awesome. Yet I could still see the thoughts related to fear coming up in terms of ‘this being a well known domain now and people having more of a direct access to my stuff’ – which is yet again ‘fearing conflict’, ‘fearing exposure.’

It is a matter of walking the correction now because I’ve seen and realized for myself what such apparent ‘superiority’ as  in not speaking/ not participating because of seeing everything and everyone just so ‘out there’ and not having anything to do with me, and keeping myself in a fantasy land feeling like the incomprehensible human being that has this ‘sensitive side,’ yet portraying and carrying myself as the exact opposite to not have to explain myself all the time. It was almost a way of having others ‘fearing me’ to protect myself. This has remained as a point that even people walking this process have expressed having as an ‘idea’ of how I am based on the pictures they see, based on one single point of expression that vlogs are, until getting the actual experience of talking face to face and living together, which enables us to really tear down any beliefs created about each other. I saw then how ‘instilling fear’ is a protection mechanism as well as a form of creating an idea of power based on ‘being above others,’ a way to generate an idea of myself that people can ‘respect’ instead of being someone that is easily ‘picked on.’

Having said this, we can see once again how any form of fear is an actual limitation lived out as ‘who we are’ while remaining as the faithful followers of our personal religions wherein common sense is neglected while sticking to our “safe ways” of existing to not have to face ourselves. It takes a while to fully stop this,  it is only after four years that I am beginning to see how I have created myself in terms of creating positive and negative personalities from the starting point of fear.  From this we can see how this entire world is built upon fear! This must stop here, that’s how all polarity must be eradicated as any reason to be opposing anything or anyone is only separation, a point that we’ve neglected exist within ourselves as well.

We are here to create a world that’s’ best for all and that cannot be ‘questioned’ but simply realized and walked as that principle.

This blog is über lengthy now, but let’s say that the main point here is how stopping fear is the first point to be able to take on our own lives and the world through this process of walking the consequences. The moment we allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by the reality we are creating within and without, we become ‘less’ than that which we are creating, which is like a reversed-god complex if we can call it that, making ourselves less than our creation yet portraying a ‘superiority’ image at the same time. Quite unnecessary if we can stop it all by simply walking here as breath.

For this, writing is the tool, self forgiveness implies the self corrective process to walk the correction as we go living every single day. Simplicity is the key, we can just see through these experiences how I complicated my reality by trying to ‘cover up’ fear, instead of seeing fear for what it is: a self created limitation that comes in the form of thoughts that I can work with through writing, applying self forgiveness and directing myself in common sense.

That’s it.

Thanks for reading and suggest you listen to that interview because it was the point that triggered all of this here.

 

polarity as me

 

 

 

 


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