Tag Archives: hitting

385. The Most Important Job in the World: Parenting

 

A Review & Commentary on the Documentary ‘The Naked Room’/El Cuarto Desnudo (México, 2013)

Throughout this process I’ve realized that the most important job that exists is that of being a parent. As I go understanding the fabric of our society, I can see directly how the lack of parenting skills or even the inability to know what these are or should be reflects back to our society, shaping each one of us into the individuals that at the same time, create the nature of the ‘world-system’ as is, because when we talk about ‘the world’ it’s not really the Earth, the living beings other than humans that are the problem – the whole and sole problem is who we have become as human beings and how we have shaped, modified and distorted reality through and by our mind as a consequence of lacking any efficient education and parental guidance while we are brought up in this world, which in turn affects every other part of our reality as well.

So in essence, we’ve lacked the skills to support ourselves as the units of our society to grow strong, healthy, stable and with clear directives in our lives and as a result, this society is the mirror of the lack and/or misguidance of parenting skills.

 

El cuarto desnudo/The naked room from AMBULANTE on Vimeo.

“The naked room” shows a whole world without leaving a single space: the examination room in a children’s hospital in Mexico City. Listening to the children, their parents and the doctors during consultations allows us to have a more profound and complex view of our social reality and of human nature.

 

I watched the documentary ‘The Naked Room/ El Cuarto Desnudo’ some weeks ago, here’s part of a synopsis I found about it:

The Naked Room exposes the complex and hard situations that are the consequence of something as simple as a kid wishing for a more loving brother. Also, the behavior of people with a mental disorder, a condition that always affects the loved ones (sometimes even physically). Ibáñez has not created a documentary to be enjoyed by everybody per se, I mean, we’re dealing with a brutal theme in a very direct way, with no pauses; it’s a constant display of human sadness and mental problems.

It can be easily described as a depressing film, after all it’s a natural view to the life of several persons, and some of their closest relatives, whose hopelessness has lead (some of them) to go as far as attempting to take their own lives. In a way, The Naked Room is here to explain the “why” behind suicide or self-harming, specifically when the problem happens to a kid or a teenager. What’s great about Ibáñez’s film is the fact that she is not trying to explain anything by interviewing doctors and relatives or using information from other sources. The doc is simply crafted: it’s entirely based on footage obtained from a series of meetings between psychiatrics and patients.

Ibáñez knew that showing those conversations was enough for a thought-provoking piece. All she had to do was place the camera at the right spot and then working inside the editing room. And the camerawork is really interesting and precise; firstly, it only follows the patients, hence some scenes are just fascinating: observing the facial expressions of the children while their respective relative is talking with the doctor brings a unique feeling, as the conversations deal with nothing childish, indeed.

For about half an hour we don’t see the same patient more than once, so The Naked Room engages you. The audience will want to know what’s behind, for instance, a problematic kid whose father has threatened to abandon him in the streets. There are many patients involved, so when each one of them appears again, you might be a bit confused, not remembering who is who; that could have been a flaw related to the structure, but the confusion is always temporal.

And, ultimately, the diversity only helps the documentary to be thematically richer. It can be seen as an exploration of teenagers, with such themes exposed as insecurity and social rejection, but that’s just one of its layers. The Naked Room is, simply, one of the strongest Mexican films of the year (my personal favorite from the Morelia documentary selection), even when it’s simply crafted, like I said, and very short (less than 70 minutes).”

Read more: http://twitchfilm.com/2013/10/morelia-2013-review-the-naked-room-el-cuarto-desnudo-a-powerful-display-of-sadness-and-insanity.html#ixzz2wu4eXQg1

 

The constant identification of parental patterns being transmitted onto children, the lack of creating supportive familial relationships and living environment, the lack of money to have proper nutrition, healthcare, education themselves, the fact that some parents didn’t want their children in the first place, the fact that they resort to hitting them for not complying to do what they asked them to do, the physical and verbal abuse between parents, the divorces and separations that affect a child’s ability to learn and interact with others properly, the lack of sexual orientation support, the threats used as a way to establish discipline that are depicted as part of the reasons why the kids in this documentary develop mental instability, can all be traced back to the parents and the unfortunate lack of skills, information and education on how to deal with their own lives, their marriage/relationships and in turn how to be a mother or a father.

In turn, parents have only learned to react to seeing the problem that their children develop as something born out of the blue, which is the position of becoming a victim to their children’s mental instability in the form of worry and preoccupation due to not knowing ‘what is going on with their children?’ without realizing that their role is inevitably implied within what their children are experiencing as well. However, can we talk about it solely being ‘their fault’?

 

nakedroom1

 
Understanding Who We Are as The Mind

Parents were educated in turn by their own parents and consequently the same has happened to those parents as well, which means that the parent-child relationship is the essential relationship that has shaped (ruined) the way that we develop ourselves as human beings. You might react and say ‘not me’ and I could as well, but the fact is that even if one can consider oneself having ‘good parents’ or ‘supportive parents’ the moment that there’s no principle of support to understand the mind, the feelings, the emotions, the ‘who am I’ as the mind and assist with the integration of physical living words that we can live as a decision, a self-directive process that one directs oneself to express as a Living Principle, one is already missing out the most important aspects of our relationship to ourselves, others and in turn the ‘who we are’ and will become as we come of age in this world – instead, we’ve been brought up with mechanisms that use fear, control, violence, abuse, threats in order to establish some sense of discipline and direction, as well as happiness, rewards, ‘love’ and the illusion thereof as ways to create the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ definitions that we’ve limited ourselves by, going all the time attempting to be ‘happy’ and/or dreaming of reaching an eternal happiness without even understanding how that is also a mindjob essentially. We’ve only learned to ‘cope with reality’ by reacting to the environment, to another’s words, to take things personal, to seek revenge, to be spiteful and that is of course already a massive fault in parental skills.

Not to blame ‘them’ though…

The reality is that we’ve never ever had such skills, because we had not ever before understood who we are as the mind, how it is that we are separated from our physical body through and by the mind which is a Mind Consciousness System, a design, a programmed patterned system that generates thoughts, feelings, emotions and through this our behavior, personality, fears, reactions, beliefs, etc. that we have adopted and believed is ‘who we are.’ In this documentary we can see this reality as spectators of a glimpse of how far one can experience one’s emotions and feelings to the extent of wanting to die just because there is no proper medical support, assessment or understanding of what the mind is, what our emotions is, how the patterns that we’ve acquired from parents are imbued from the moment of conception, and at birth we are directly influenced by every single word that parents speak, every single move, every single experience that parents have within themselves while being with the child – and this I am almost certain only an excruciating minority of parents have taken into consideration.

 

it is so damn clear in this documentary how the fact that we have taken our minds personally and others’ reactions personally, while being unable to understand Why such patterns of aggression, violence, harm, hatred exist and are coming from ‘those’ that should have ‘cared’/‘educated us’ to be able to live in this world the best way possible, which is what creates the traumatic experiences within children  that evolve to become ‘mental illnesses’ because of our inability as parents to stand as living principles for them, to become all of us in society a living example of how to live, interact and direct oneself in this world. This has been our ‘missing link’ in the relationship between parents and children, but also in our society as a whole.

 

The-Naked-Room

 

The First Seven Years of Your Life

At Desteni it’s been explained how the time-frame of development from ages 0-7 is crucial in our development because that’s where the ‘programming’ process of the mind takes place, activating all the pre-existent patterns coming from parents, integrating new ones from the child’s interaction with their immediate environment – which are most of the times, parents or any other ‘parental figure’ –

“The inheritance and transference of the survival skills from both your parents takes place when the entire mind consciousness system develops within you within the mother’s womb together with your physical development. The copying and duplication of the survival skills from both your parents takes place through your observations, interactions and participations with your parents’ as the parent/child relationship develops during your childhood years (from two to three years up to the age of thirteen years).”

Veno – Structural Resonance – Part 2 – Phase 5

 

This means that the direct effect of our words, thoughts, behavior and emotional or feeling participation is imprinted onto children from such early stage of their lives, with them being like a virgin cd that one is about to literally ‘burn’ with information that they will simply then replay, adjust and ‘upgrade’ throughout their entire lives.  That is the magnitude and importance of the responsibility we have toward every individual that is born into this world: the world we have for them at their arrival will become the program, the structure, the patterns they’ll accept as ‘how things are’ with the possibility of only changing them once that they’ve walked their own lives, their consequences and decide for themselves to change what they have learned up to that point, which is the process of Self-Honesty and Self Responsibility that we are walking here at Desteni.

 

So, while watching the documentary El Cuarto Desnudo I could understand for example what has been explained in the  Spite series of interviews at Eqafe in relation to Self-Harm. Some of the kids in the documentary attempting to commit suicide, cut/punch/harm  as a response to the disbelief they had of having their parents attacking them, insulting them, not giving them all the necessary attention, hitting them, abusing them in various ways as well as managing them with ‘fear’ which in result, in a helpless attitude of ‘I just don’t know what to do with her/him anymore, doctor!’ which to a young child it doesn’t make sense that your parent, your ‘guide’ is becoming your own worst enemy or an inept person to take proper care of you and as such, even if they say ‘they care for you’ or they ‘love you’ they are still not being supportive at all in the situation… doesn’t make sense isn’t it?

And no, it won’t make sense. And this is the point we’ve missed all along and that can actually support, assist parental relationships to entirely change because what hasn’t been understood is how the Mind operates, how the mechanisms of creation of energy as emotions, thoughts, feelings is what has become the directive principle, the sole ‘director’ of ourselves to the extent that we comply to such mind/thoughts/feelings/emotions absolutely ignoring our physical bodies, the living flesh that we are and that we should never ever harm in order to ‘relieve’ some sort of emotional or feeling experience which comes from a constant struggle and inner conflict to ‘cope’ with what’s going on up there in the mind, because the children look perfectly ‘healthy’ at a physical level, but in the mind they are certainly completely possessed and this is a clear testimony for us to see what the mind does to the physical body and why it is so important to take responsibility for our minds, our bodies and completely take both into consideration before continuing inflicting any harm or abuse upon oneself, only acting upon what we ‘feel’ or experience as thoughts, emotions in the mind.

In the documentary, almost every child would cut/harm themselves, and I’m talking about Children here –  which becomes a form of self-spite: anger toward oneself so that it becomes a way to spite the parents, which doesn’t make sense to spite oneself in an attempt to get another’s attention or ‘get back at’ someone when one is being ‘attacked’ by another, as that will then in turn become the attack and abuse onto oneself, the very same attack that one can be complaining about is coming from parents.  However because children are not taught how to deal with the emotions they have at a mind level, the only way to ‘cope’ with this inner turmoil which becomes self-hate is to resort to self-destruction. Do ‘they’ really want to do it? No, it’s who they are as the mind that want to harm themselves, just because the amount of energy continued to be thought of and used up by the individual is too extensive for the child to stop and get back to physical reality to understand how one is abusing one’s own body and in essence doing onto themselves what they were complaining that others were doing onto them at first – and this is how the ‘chain’ of self-abuse is continued.

 

EPSON scanner image

 

 

Learning from the Parents

With friction and conflict stemming from their family/environment situation, children learn to ‘cope’ with the constant conflictive and problematic situations with their own emotions generated as a reaction to things they see in their environment, things they are unfortunately done onto, and not having any way to stand up or stop participating in these automated reactions in the mind. And these can obviously be of a wide variety of factors, such as lack of money/education that turns into a poor household where parents have to work to make a living for the entire day – being left with other family members that might turn abusive, that might not properly care after them – sometimes the parents/relatives resorting to alcohol/drugs to cope with stress, to mitigate hunger, to mitigate family abuse, being depressed, being in the verge of financial bankruptcy…. there’s also marriage disruption, physical and verbal abuse between parents, abuse from parents to child which turns into children then hitting the parents/spiting the parents, desperation from parents for not knowing what to do with them and so children see themselves as being ‘a problem’ a ‘drag’ to the parents to the extent that they reason it’s best to die/commit suicide than continue living – and this may come from parents expressing them that ‘they don’t know what to do with them any longer’ or how ‘they wished they had never been born’  which once again, to a child and even if you the reader  never got told this, placing ourselves in the shoes of children being told this, it is mostly obvious that there will be a reaction of feeling worthless, not desired, not loved, inferior and this remains as permanent rejection throughout their lives unless they encounter support while growing up to not take such words personally, but understand how they come from parental distress, desperation, not knowing ‘what to do’ with their own lives and in turn not knowing what to do with their children.

 

There might emerge a desire to blame parents for that – but blame once again would lead us to miss out the point here. Blaming, holding grudge, being constantly mad, angry, frustrated at parents or even hating them is only the outflow of not getting a supportive, comforting and adequate parental support for the parents themselves to begin with while they were in the position of being the children. And one would say, yes, it makes sense to be angry for not getting that – but, this is where I implore you to consider the ‘greater context’ which is how I assisted myself to – within and after the documentary ended – be able to clearly see where the surges of blame or anger toward parents were coming from and immediately understand how it is necessary to see the ‘greater context’ to take all points into consideration to understand such parental and children relationships throughout our entire history.

The key here is understanding a very, very important point: All can be Self-Forgiven and Must be Self-Forgiven in order to stop holding on to the grudges created from children to parents and vice-versa if we truly want to change the world.

 

Human Chains (pic)

 

No ‘parent’ knows How to be a Parent.

No person is born knowing How to be a parent, a self supportive and adequate one, how to become an example for your child to ‘look up to’ because No Human Being has EVER been such Living Example for oneself or for others – yet. Sure there have been great personalities in the world that were ‘great men and women,’ but even that one can notice that people in politics or social change in the world such as Mandela for example, when his daughters were interviewed they were proud of him for the principles he stood for, but as a parent they had no further comment other than really not knowing ‘him’ as such, because he had not really been around with them….. point to ponder.

So, the problem is in fact not that we haven’t learned ‘how to be a parent’ but how to be a Living Human Being. We have only been mind-robots driven by thoughts, feelings, emotions, not knowing ‘how’ to cope with them, how to direct them because we entirely accepted ‘who we are’ as our mind and so, what happens is that the moment that we Identify ourselves with the mind as ‘Who we are’ entirely without any possibility of change, that’s where we dissociate ourselves from our ability to be self-directive which means, realizing that everything that we’ve become is the byproduct of generation after generation of human beings that have not known how to direct/deal with one’s thoughts, feelings and emotions – in essence with one’s mind – but only learned from certain religious and moral dogmas and ‘authorities’ that became only ways to control people through fear, or control through the illusion of ‘love’ which is another point I have had previously discussed.

 

 

What does being a Living Human Being mean?

The self that we all have and can become the moment that we start living and applying the realization that one has to honor, support, care, develop and nurture oneself to become an example of what it is to act, do and speak what is best for oneself and everyone else as equals. Becoming the Living Word, the Living Example for oneself and others to follow as the norm, the way, the law of our being in which we can trust ourselves and each other to realize that no matter what: I honor, consider, support and care for myself , I stand as my own support and as such, stand as support for and toward everything/everyone else as myself, as life, as equals. This is the standard, this is how we can genuinely ‘change the world.’

So because we have failed to live this way with and for ourselves, the consequence is and has been that all our relationships have failed to be fruitful and bloom into a world that we can all be genuinely ‘happy’ to live in. With understanding this premise of the ‘legacy’ we have in terms of the ‘human nature’ as the mind, the generation after generation passing of ‘the sins of the fathers’ it then becomes much easier to understand why a human being that has taken the role of being a parent has failed to become a living example for his/her children, because the consideration of being a Living Human Being has never existed – yet we do have all the potential of each one of us becoming such living example of being the human beings that we all know we can be and become – and this is where our responsibility resides: to ensure that we can be the example of how the so-called ‘human nature’ is able to be self-forgiven, stopped, self corrected and changed.

 

This understanding that I just shared here in written words is what I used to then see, realize and understand and self forgive the surges of any emotions that could have been accumulated while watching the documentary, and through this understanding rather seeing this documentary not only as presentation of the problems we have within children at a mental level – instead, it also becomes a  motivation to see once again for myself that there is just SO much that is required to get done in relation to education in this world, so much to be understood about the mind, who we are as the mind and how we can in fact support each other to assist those children to change and solve their experiences… but most importantly the Parents of those and any other children to prevent ‘The Naked Rooms’ around the world where children attempt to get support from psychiatrists, while not even being aware of the root and cause of the problem: ourselves as individuals, as human beings that have never lived to the best of our potential – but have only ‘coped’ with reality through and as a mind system that generates constant friction and conflict as the experience of ‘living.’ And to grasp this there’s quite a lot of understanding and information to self-educate oneself about this, which I will provide at the end of this blog.

 

 

Self Forgiving the Sins of the Parents 

Once one understands how ‘who we are’ is the reflection of what we’ve always been since the beginning of ourselves as humanity, we can truly see that there is no other way out of our hatred, our anger, our despair, our grudges, our laments, our grief toward parents, children, relatives or authority figures other than applying the principle of Self Forgiveness. Without Self-Forgiveness it would be very difficult to come to a resolution about any form of abuse that one has experienced through one’s life, whether from parents or anyone else. So I suggest to dissolve the word tag of ‘parent’ for a moment and just see ourselves as human beings, not being born knowing ‘how to live’ and ‘how to be self-directive in our mind’  and begin applying Self-Forgiveness for allowing ourselves to be driven by thoughts, emotions, feelings, reactions wherein as a child, one has no further idea as to what is being experienced within self – all the fear, the worry, the stress, the anger, the rage,the hate that is formed at home toward parents, siblings, teachers, schoolmates, all of it existing within self without proper direction other than medicines and ‘cures’ that don’t take into consideration the source and core of the problem: the who we are and have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become as the mind.

 

I’ve noticed that one of the most difficult things to do for children/people that have been abused by others – whether they are parents, siblings, relatives, schoolmates, etc. – is the ability to self-forgive, to absolutely take into consideration and understand why the other individual abuses, take into consideration their entire life, their entire upbringing, their social and economic background, their habits/addictions, their ‘modus vivendi’ and experiences and how they too also didn’t know at the same time HOW to deal with their own minds, and how it is the same for all of us – not a single one left without a mark – of passing this unresolved understanding of who we are as human beings from generation after generation up to the point where our ‘fuckups’ are escalating to the extent that one can only look at 3 year olds – or even earlier than that now –to already see the patterns they mirror of the parents and the generations that have gone before us.

One could say: well how come they learn to manipulate, to spite, to be envious and selfish, to be depressive, to be sensitive, to be angry, to hit others to get what they want, to treat others as superior or inferior, to like and dislike, to be a stubborn… and yes, a child is the entire reflection of the parents and of humanity in its entirety for that matter that only develops the rest of the pre-installed programming through the interactions with parents and the environment. And because it is only now that we are understanding these mechanisms that exist within the mind in the physical and the vital importance that this mind and physical relationship has in our upbringing, it means that we still have a lot to do in this world in order to make each one of us aware of this process, how to direct it, how to support ourselves so that we can start establishing solutions and a new educational process where we can change the world by changing humanity, which means: changing the way that we educate ourselves as human beings, which implies at the same time that the relationship between parents and children is the one we have to focus on, as it will be the guideline and blueprint for all other relationships developed by the child throughout their/our entire lives.

 

This also thus ties in with the previous blog entry wherein I explained to the people that first didn’t want to hear how it is about time that we STOP the patterns that we’ve continued from generation after generation in relation to the abuse of ‘educating children’ by hitting them, or teaching them to ‘fight/attack back’ upon abuse or become spiteful and vengeful… all of this MUST GO and Must be stopped by ourselves as the parents, the family members, the teachers, the siblings, the people around kids to become the examples of the way we can Always direct ourselves in a way that is best for everyone: self supportive, considerate, being able to communicate effectively, being the living words of the principles we want our children to embody as well and as such, children will learn by default  – from their very first interactions in a world where we all act and live by principle of what is best for all and as such, by default, learn how to live by principles too.

It is only an excuse and negligence to say that the human can’t change, that we can only resort to psychologists or psychiatrists – this is unacceptable. What we require is to apply a New understanding and vision of who we are as human beings in order to support every single being that comes into this world to adopt the new living ways that we can begin living within ourselves individually and in the ‘without’ as the way the world system operates. For that, investigate the Living Income Guaranteed to provide support for parents to have sufficient time to stay at home implementing the new education available for parents and for any other individual –regardless of being a parent or not – at the DIP Lite course for free.

 

It certainly won’t be the same to bring a child to a self-supportive world where you have a guaranteed income/have your human rights being genuinely granted and assured with money provided to you from birth than a baby that is born in a condition of poverty in a third world country where not even a solid foundation of family or parents exist, because everyone is on a survival modality. It doesn’t make sense anymore to continue allowing our children to grow up in front of the TV and computer screens or taken care by ‘third parties,’ and the reason why this is so is because everyone has to ‘get a job to live’ and there’s no support given to parents to get time to educate their children. This should make it clear how it is all of us that are ‘shooting our leg’ by not providing to each other the right to life, so it’s about time we understand that the new way of Living is to Support Ourselves and Support All Life Equally to become our fullest potential.

 

To learn how to stop being only a mind that perpetuates the patterns and sins of the fathers, research:

 

Parental Support:

 

Parenting and Educational Blogs:

 

Vlogs:

Advertisements

94. In-Sin–Irate: Anger Issues

Have we stopped ourselves to consider in what way we gnaw and eat up our very physical body the moment that we participate in anger or any other emotion/ feeling experience? If we were really aware of ourselves as our human physical body, we would be aware of how the very thoughts we have consume our physicality in order to create such emotion or feeling in any given moment – we never dare to question how such ENERGETIC experiences are created, while even the name is indicating obviously: something must be consumed in order to fuel such experiences. Yet, we never looked into ourselves and only decided to accept and allowed energetic experiences as ‘who we are’ – because: ‘oh I am this that I experience in my body, I must act on it’ – and never ever questioning or even being able to fully see and realize what we are participating in the moment that we react in one single split of a second toward another in an emotion or feeling. One single shift from being here as breath and we can know: we’re mind possessed.

 

Anger

incinerate
n verb destroy (something, especially waste material) by burning

Yesterday I went out for my walk earlier than usual due to the storms that have been going on here. When I was already on my way back, I first saw this young male walking with a seemingly desperate and rather ‘uncontrollable’ dog – and I saw he had a wooden stick with him – a thick branch to be precise – and I immediately reacted to that within the realization that he would hit the dog with it, but I could not pull out the usual burning anger that I would experience before, it was just like paralyzing inside myself  in the moment and I simply started following them based on thoughts like ‘this is unacceptable/ I must do something about this/ what can I possibly do?’ I walked a bit quicker in order to be right behind him, then I saw that other three males – same age – were handling one dog each with the same behavioral characteristics: angry dogs barking at all dogs in the neighborhood, being seemingly uncontrollable – each one of the males had a similar thick branch on the other hand – I could not compute in that moment because I was only ‘making up my mind’ trying to figure out why the first dog I had seen seemed so uncontrollable and angry, having to be hit that way to behave.

 

I started deliberately walking right behind the four of them, I went into a point of possession wherein I wanted to pull out the anger that would usually drive me in the past to go and shout or even wanting to hit them – but I couldn’t. I ‘felt powerless’ but not in an emotional way, like actually having no ability to ‘pull out the anger’ I was used to experiencing in such moments/ events. I realized that it was not appropriate to go and shout at them because they were 4 males, with 4 angry dogs, with 4 thick branches and I was alone.

 

In a way within my mind, yet it didn’t even seem like thinking, I wanted to curse them to death – and I couldn’t. I could not even pull out some hatred. It was fascinating to see this unfolding, like slow camera movement where Marlen would want to just beat them to death in my mind with words or even pictures, and I couldn’t. Anyways, so as I approached them through walking behind them, I could just utter the following words in the moment – ‘Is this why you have your dog for? To hit him?’ – And obviously the young man didn’t bother at all, I was not grasping the whole picture in that moment  – and as I walked right behind the four of them I approached the second one and told him ‘Is this what you have your dog for? TO hit him? – and I managed to pull out some other words – ‘Would you want to be hit the same way you do onto him?’ and he just didn’t reply, he only made a gesture of ‘I couldn’t care less/ maybe I’d like to’ – So, there was no answer obviously. I realized it was pointless to continue doing anything about it.

 

Then I realized what they actually were as the whole picture: people that train dogs for dog fights – hence the attitude of the dogs and the males with the wooden sticks with them. It is their “job.”

 

The point here is that I wanted to be as angry as I could, I was wanting to just burst out in absolute anger toward them in that moment, and I couldn’t – and this strangely so felt like I was powerless = not moving by energy inside – however it was more of a concrete experience inside me that I could not even direct some ‘angry thoughts’ toward them.  I followed them until the corner where they went straight ahead, and I just stood there on the corner watching them and all I could think of is breathe – breathe – breathe – breathe – and so I did. After a couple of minutes of just deliberately standing there to see where they would go up to, I realized that there was no point in continuing that, so I turned to the right and followed my way back home.

 

In the past – and I’m talking about 4 years ago when I started becoming aware of the abuse in this world – I witnessed similar events and I remember becoming like a tornado inside me, filled with rage that I used as a fuel to approach the man that was dragging the dog on the street – I told this story in a video minute 3:49 – and I would react in boiling anger, ready to just torture another with my anger there, ready to shout and scream – and this time, I could not do that, even though a part of me wanted to. Another point is that I kept myself  grounded wherein, even in the moment that I approached the two males that I managed to talk to them,  I was just like a rock not really speaking in an  irate manner, even though I wanted to.

 

This is to reveal how out of habit, I would have wanted to make an entire drama out of the situation, shouting or getting myself ‘into trouble’ just for the sake of ‘making them see’ – but as I saw their reactions when I asked them the questions, I knew that I had to stop and not go any further.

 

So, the word that came up is ‘incinerate’ which sounds like in-sin-irate and how I had a moment there wherein I actually ‘wanted’ to be angry, me as the mind wanted to just bring up anger and lash out onto them and I couldn’t. Which is irrational because I knew beforehand ‘not to react’ but again looking at the event happening in front of me is more of a trigger point to face self-honesty to.

 

I was talking about this type of situations two days ago, and I myself had suggested not to intervene in such moments of witnessing abuse onto others – children, animals – as we do not know how they would react – and I was seeing with my eyes how it was 4 males, 4 dogs, wooden sticks – I really went too far to even approach them. So, to explain the point: ‘I ‘felt’ like I had to go and speak up to them however I felt like in an entire possession in that moment when I drove myself to speak to them. It was not directed by some churning inside me as in the past, but I did speak up to them.

 

I have explained before how I would deal with extensive anger toward everything and everyone – and I’ve certainly ‘slowed down’ in that, to the point wherein I cannot describe if what I did experience yesterday was anger, because I didn’t ‘feel it’ as the usual energetic experience – however, the realization here is:

 

– I cannot place myself in such situations of absolute risk just to let people know what they already know they are doing in the moment – even more so when seeing the whole picture and the reason behind such actions: dog fights = money/ business/ males getting paid to take care of the dogs = they won’t stop doing it as it is their job

 

– My reaction was based on thinking – meaning that I assessed the situation according to what I thought was ‘right’ to do in the moment, even if I was expecting myself to suddenly get absolutely and extremely angry, I couldn’t – which was a point of being grounded to realize that I could not possibly take the point further than approaching them with simple questions.

 

– I also directed myself to realize in that moment that If I witnessed the entire abuse that goes on in the world, I would have incinerated myself due to/ because of reacting to it all – we cannot possibly ‘make a change’ to a chain of events and situations wherein money is being the driving point, wherein the consideration of animals as ‘less than humans’ is a culturally ingrained fuckup for ages in humanity – I cannot stop what is currently being experienced by billions – I can only stop myself.

 

– I realize that in situations like that on the street, I had reacted in extreme anger wherein the usual desire is to just shout and flip the finger to them, as if that could ‘offend them’ or take them to a realization, without seeing that their actions are in essence already proof of what they are willing to do because of money, and how I have no context in any way whatsoever within the entire situation – but only wanting to react based on the obvious point of abuse, which is a constant point in our entire reality. Thus I see that I partake obviously in such point of abuse by simply accepting and allowing myself to exist within the current world that we are in the way it is, and not doing a thing about it – until now that we are beginning to STOP ourselves from being the very perpetuators of the same fighting/ battling eternal separation system that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become.

 

– I realize that I cannot expose myself that way, meaning – I walk alone, I am alone and I cannot possibly confront others that are clearly more, with ‘tools’ that could be harmful as well as the dogs themselves that seemed angry as hell. This is what we have become, using dogs to fight to satisfy some human being’s desire to see dogs attacking each other to fuel some mind mechanism that is pleasured when seeing wrestling, fighting – thus who I am within it all? Seeing where and how I am fighting myself, or wanting to fight others in the name of ‘doing something right,’ without taking into consideration the actual chain of events and consequences that could ensue from this point of ‘following my mind’ in such moments.

 

– I also realized that I had been blind when I watched the movie ‘Amores Perros’ which depicts that dog-fight business here in Mexico City, I somehow managed to just ‘numb it out’ as part of some ‘movie’ as if it was not real or in some alternate reality. I see how I would see movies without taking into consideration that such events DO take place, do happen and are as real as seeing those dogs ‘going out for a walk’ and having to be hit in order to behave, due to how they have been trained by the sick twisted human mind that solaces is seeing fights and dare to even gamble upon winners. This I fuel and exist as every time I seek to win and ‘win’ something, get a positive kick out of anything that I can witness and consequently experience as an energetic movement within me.

 

Fighting

I fought myself in that moment: from wanting to react and another ‘part’ of me – the real me – remaining just like a rock, I experienced like this cement inside me where I could not even think – it’s like when you are in the bottom of a pool and  you know that you could drown yet, you cannot possibly just move up to reach for air. I am describing what I experienced in that moment which I have also experienced as a child in terms of realizing I am drowning but not being able to move – so, the experience was not the usual ‘angry mode’ but instead it maybe was petrification – yet at the same time it didn’t feel like anything.

I also realize that if I had gone out at the same time I usually do, I would not have witnessed that, which means that it doesn’t matter if I’m present or not: those dogs exist, people that train them to fight exist, they will continue whether I witness that or not – I realize that any reaction is in fact stemming from my inherent desire – that certainly has mellowed down – to point out the abuse to others, instead of even realizing how the abuse is first onto me because of having the actual desire to be angry, to ‘burst up in flames’ – which is how I see that the word incinerate makes sense: I had not ever considered the ‘who I am’ in anger, and I had never considered the detrimental effects of such energetic experience of anger on my body.

 

I have written about the memory of me as a child becoming extremely angry, to the point where I feel my entire body just having like a ‘chill’ from how much I would put myself in such anger trance, and that’s when my parents would offend me ‘You are fucking crazy!’ and just leaving me in the room,  fueling that anger even more because of them judging to what extent I would lead a single point of anger into an actual anger possession. Hearing them cursing at me for fueling my anger made me even more angry.

 

And I remember the stories my mother would say about my father, picking up fights with people just because of going past a red light or something – he used to carry these sticks on the car ‘just in case’ something would happen – I took it as normal, and they always wanted me to carry some thick cable that I could hit someone with in case they wanted to do something onto me. I always refused.

 

 

Stepping out of the anger possession

Whenever I would go out of the possession when I was a child, after spending  a long time crying and fueling that experience of anger wherein the totality of my body would go into a paralysis almost, even just now as I write it I can experience the same thing, the tickling as pins and needles on my left arm. Even as  a child, I would fear dying in such moments – my mother would say to me that my entire face could be paralyzed if I continued boiling up with such anger – and so I would fear dying, I would fear ending up with a ‘dry half face’ because of anger – and that’s when I would slow down and just cry not even because of whatever reason I have had to get angry in the first place, but because of becoming aware of how my body had suffered in that moment of anger possession. I would brace myself and feel sad/ sorry and even worse for what I had put myself through.

 

It was just like vomiting. When I was a child and I was sick and had to puke, I would keep my eyes open and cry throughout the whole thing – I would then notice that the pores of my cheeks had burst, I would feel so bad for having damaged my body that way that I always feared having to puke again. One of the reasons why I stopped drinking was when puking was ‘the way to stop the drunkenness’ and me becoming absolutely disgusted of myself for having to do that. The ‘peak point’ was when I had to puke and I cannot even remember where I did it/ or don’t want to remember. I stopped, I could not take myself any further than that – besides waking up with bumps on my head and other undisclosed bruises.

 

Self abuse – no different to becoming angry – same experience, same pain felt after the energetic possession: the body took it all and, have I ever asked forgiveness for my body for such things? No.

 

I one way I am ‘glad’ I was able to stop myself most of the times before going into absolute rage, however seeing this potential in me – which is linked to thoughts related to killing/ hitting/ deliberately harming others that I see are ‘abusing’ was never realized as me following the threat of abuse even in my own mind. I guess that’s why and how I would ‘resonate’ with a clockwork orange in a way, and the entire experience that I had yesterday I later on assessed as the similar experience that Alex had when he cold no longer be violent against others – he would get sick, I just got absolutely ‘blank’ with no ability to do anything else than that.

 

I had taken for granted these surges of anger as a child, I remember them very well yet when I was pointed out that I had a lot of anger I went into a ‘what? no way!’ denial state, without daring to look inside myself and find the real evil justified by ‘seeing evil’ in others’ which became – as I have mentioned before as well – a thinking pattern of ‘humanity is evil’ and as such, shaping, molding my entire beingness to be in a ‘military’ way, like a soldier that is ready to combat any point of attack. And this is precisely being explained in Heaven’s Journey to Life blog, specifically the link I’ll leave below, and so I have just written out the whole point with several links to the past  up until the experience at the moment.

 

One single event can become the mirror we have not dared to look ourselves into, because we knew before hand we do not want to see what is reflected on it, yet it is ourselves.

 

The physical consequences after this was pain on my left foot  because of how I had a struggle with ‘my expression’ and the physical point of it in the moment – my mind wanting to go bezerk and the other me here stability pulling myself like cement on the ground. The trick is to keep breathing at all times. Looking back at the entire situation, It was ‘cool’ to face the point from the perspective of being able to face such ingrained inner-experiences with regards to anger. However, it is plain obvious that the cause of the anger won’t be solved in one go: Animals being abused by humans is the most despicable thing that we can do along any other moment wherein we abuse ourselves in the name of reacting to such abuse as well.

 

I will continue tomorrow with the Self Forgiveness points.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become angry, petrified at the abuse of this world without realizing that participating in anger only supports my own gnawing as physical flesh and that in no way does it support LIFE

 

“Animals are driven to extinction as they DO NOT feature in the Consciousness of Humans as Equals as Life-Forms”  – Bernard Poolman *

.

.For further support: Desteni Forum 

Día Nublado

Blogs:


%d bloggers like this: