124. Who am I within ‘Wanting to be Alone’?

It is clear that it is a mind possession what we go through when desiring or fearing something. Wanting to be alone is just the polarity of actually fearing to be alone and as such, creating a pattern of desire and suppression as fear within events that I then define according to this single character as ‘The Loner.’

If we look at ourselves as society, we all eventually hit this spot of secluding ourselves within a constant desire or fear to be with another, fearing establishing relationships and at the same time desiring to be with others.

We have become so conflictive in our minds that we can structure an entire game of self-interest wherein all that exists is our personal benefit: ‘Oh I want to be alone/ Oh I want to be with another’ – and where’s Life in all that? Where is an actual Self-Agreement that we can consider as an actual point of Self Support that is not dependent on ‘external points’ such as people, environment and situations to  define who we are.

 

I realize throughout this exploration of ‘the loner’ that I have mostly danced around a desire to experience myself in a different way in relation to having company or not, which is then deliberately seeking to play a character that we can become for a moment and establish that as ‘who we are:’ I am alone or I am not alone anymore – and that’s it. And in that we can build and create a thousand events and stories wherein we revolve around a constant friction and conflict in relation to one single point, while everything that we are as human beings that breathe and that require to consider that there is much more than one single point of desire or fear that we trap ourselves into when believing ourselves to be these thoughts in our head, that later on become actual actions that we ‘give life’ to literally, as all actions based on desires or fear are in fact not based on a practical and common sensical consideration of who we are as individuals that exist in a physical biosphere  that we have abused when seeking only to satisfy our hopes, dreams and desires that we sometimes do not even realize we are ‘living for’ because we tend to make it ‘ok’ to keep one single piece of heaven in our pocket, without realizing that such heaven has always been an illusion,  a sugary thought that we keep just because it makes us feel content for a moment – yet it has no substance as a practical living consideration wherein we actually become beings that are able to consider another as an actual equal and one part of ourselves – instead we antagonize and desire each other, like strangers that cannot conceive that we are in fact one and equal.

 

Back to the question:

Who am I within ‘Wanting to Be Alone’?

It is just a character of self manipulation that is designed to actually activate the absolute opposite as a strong desire to create a relationship when and as the ‘conditions’ apply, which is once again a character that seeks to upgrade itself into a ‘completeness’ when being with another/ others, eventually creating yet another form of separation from that avoidance to be with others to an absolute dependency toward others – never in fact seeing and realizing that self is here as one and equal and as such, it is to step out of these limited versions of ourselves: struggling to be with others, yet wanting to be with others and in that just rocking back and forth like in a ping pong match wherein there is no actual ability to win or lose as none of the points are in fact ‘real’ – as we are never in fact all alone yet we cannot ‘complete’ ourselves with another either.

 

So this is a point of Self Honesty wherein we realize how we have created characters to stand as a form of entertainment and conflict to only exist up there in our minds, thinking why we would rather be alone or why we would want to be with another – and where is the rest? It’s simply out of the picture as we become possessed with one single point only, going in circles chasing after each pole instead of actually allowing ourselves to stop, breathe and look for a moment what it is in reality that we are whining about: is this character in any way supporting me to actually take on the practical considerations within this physical world that I require to do.

 

It is rather ludicrous how we have become the characters to such an extent that there are moments wherein we cannot apparently see beyond the fog, yet we are always here, breathing, an entire physical body keeping ourselves alive while we consume ourselves with emotions or feelings that we accept as ‘who we are.’ This is then how we have to consider how to stand one and equal as the mind to become self directive as the mind, so that everything we participate in our day to day, moment by moment reality is no longer the type of prefab limitations such as ‘the loner’ characters that only exist as the limited version that we accepted and allowed ourselves to consume ourselves with.

 

It’s definitely time to live, and by living at this stage it is to stop participating in all characters that we have created as the surrogate versions of ourselves, living for us just because we were too frightened to even consider that there is another way to exist.

I have realized how the participation in the mind is the point that becomes an addictive experience, believing that it is ‘perfectly normal’ to have some type of mind-discomfort translated as an actual pathology that we accept as ‘real’ such as ‘being a loner,’ which is just a delusion I cultivated in order to create my own character to entertain myself with – not necessary.

I have seen and realized how there is an actual fear to stop participating in our ‘personal favorites’ such as usual behavioral patterns that backup the idea of ‘who we are’ in our minds. It’s almost like an aberration to the mind the moment that we do not participate in emotions and feelings and that is an actual point of self-movement, wherein we stop acting out on that which we saw as ‘usual’ within us when the necessary conditions/ context would present itself to then look into our character wardrobe and decide what type of conflictive or pleasing ‘nature’ we want to play out in such moment, never ever realizing or considering the point of abuse that this represents.

So, it’s cool to see and realize how this character was just another way to keep me entertained in my tunnel vision in relation to myself and others

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to a single character in my mind such as ‘The Loner’ character wherein I reduce an entire moment of who I am as flesh to one single ‘self’ that wants/ needs/ desires or rejects being with others and creating a positive or negative energetic churning and sparks about it, which is absolutely delusional to exist as a default experience that in no way assists as support me to be here as breath, physically living and considering where and how I have to direct myself to support me to actually consider how I can be and become an example of what it means to live the word: Equality as Life wherein no reaction or wavering exists when the decision to Live is done and placed in motion by ourselves,  I commit myself to LIVE as that is what we have not yet done/been in fact throughout our existence here: Life in Equality and Oneness

 

I see and realize that because we have all existed in our personal-limitations we have only feared actually getting to know each other because we have even feared establishing an equal and one relationship with ourselves, because we had not considered ourselves ‘enough’ but were actually waiting for something o someone to ‘fill in the void’ and because in our minds not just ‘anything’ can play that role. This is how we become hermits and loners to not have to actually realize that we were protecting ourselves from the actual opportunity of communicating and interacting with others as equals, which implies we cannot generate any positive or negative experience about it, but simply get used to and learn how to live and interact without any emotional or feeling input in order to assess it as ‘being actually living.’

This is how we break the addictive pattern of generating any positive or negative experience upon being alone or being with others as I then instead decide to remain here as breath.

This is the actual fear: just being here, in simplicity – how ludicrous it is – yet it makes ‘perfect sense’ as in the mind we’re always having to be bounding from one side to the other in order to keep ourselves ‘alive’ as the ‘who I am’ of/as the mind. Not necessary.

Alone is what I exist as here, as a physical breathing human body – yet I am a cell that is part of the whole that functions in unison. Right now we’re not Sound enough in our living – thus I align myself to live as the physical which means: no more powering up experiences that I entertain myself within my mind, living here as breath is like living rehab for the very first real time, giving our physical the breaths that we missed when searching for our next greatest hit. Time to live our commitment to live in and as simplicity in every breath here.

 

“We are not alone in this. And no ONE alone will change the world.”
– Bernard Poolman 

 

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For further review on ‘The Loner’ Character:

• 119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone
• 120. ‘I don’t like breaking my routine’
• 121. Childhood Anti-Social Behavior
• 122. ‘Is this as good as it gets?’
• 123. Home Alone: a Loner’s Paradise

 

Blogs that enable you to understand the 7 Year Journey To Life Commitment_

Day 124: TRUE ACTIVIST TEAMLIFE

How Thoughts Activate Personalities – Part 2 (Self-Commitments): DAY 124

 

GREAT Support my Marduk in these two interviews wherein I was able to see and realize the dedication to life required in order to LIVE this process day by day ensuring that we establish ourselves as the physical in the physical practical reality

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 1) – Part 81

Ever wondered what ‘black holes’?

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 2) – Part 82

123. Home Alone: a Loner’s Paradise

Do not disturb – an ideal external silence as a positive ideal fix for the mind that seeks to preserve itself as ‘the loner’ at all times.

Continuing from…

• 119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone
• 120. ‘I don’t like breaking my routine’
• 121. Childhood Anti-Social Behavior
• 122. ‘Is this as good as it gets?’

Within ‘The Loner’ character in relation to the ideal of ‘home,’ there’s a particular point I have faced wherein it is not only ‘wanting to be at home’ in order to be ‘at ease/peace’ within me, but also wanting to be all alone in the house itself,  not wanting to have people around me, not listening to the chatter, laughter for extended periods of time, or music (that I don’t particularly like,) or just plain loud voices. I like to be at peace alone, wherein I know that no one will disturb me, there will be ‘no surprises’ as in having people suddenly yelling or screaming or shifting things around – in essence no disturbance, it’s all me. These are the thoughts of ‘the control freak’ character in relation to the ideal-experience of ‘being alone,’ which is certainly only a mind creation in relation to how I created this idea of freedom in my mind linked to not having anyone around me/ being alone – being without observers or noise makers at home.

The backchat around this point is the following, and it stems from the most prominent experience I have face in relation to living in a house with other beings wherein I have and still am facing myself with regards to this desire to ‘be alone/ be left alone’ at home and having no one around me.

I won’t be bothered with noises around me

No more crazy laughter

I’m going to be at last free

All space is for me

No disturbance or unpredictable visitors

If I could just be alone all the time

 

Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience of weekends wherein I know that I will be alone at home, simply because of how I have made myself believe that being around others is something that bothers me and annoys me, which is all based on how I have defined my beingness according to people around me and in no way actually considering that who I am here as breath is constant and stable and that any other belief of being annoyed by noises/ people around me, is just part of how I programmed myself to always want to be alone/ always have a silent environment, because of linking noises to disturbance and as such, creating a negative experience within me whenever I do hear ‘noises’ which is is really an exaggeration to what extent I have become aware of another’s moves to the point wherein I can identify who gets home without looking out the window.

I realize that all these associations have been created at a mind level wherein I am expecting to be bothered by another’s voices, noises or simple presence due to how I have believed myself to be ‘more free’ when being absolutely alone and within a quiet environment.

When and as I see myself desiring the weekend to come to be alone already, I stop and I breathe – I support myself to realize that no matter who’s at home, I am here and breathing in the physical and who I am does not change according to being alone or with people – I direct myself to find the exact trigger point when this thought as a desire emerge to see where I am in fact separating myself from others as myself and my beingness as breath into an experience related to being alone or not that exists Only in my Mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an apparent unpleasant experience within me when being around others, when people are in the house, which is just a consequential outflow of having defined me being alone at home as ‘me being free,’ me being ‘at ease’ – thus I realize that it is not about others in fact but about myself and how I have associated being home alone with a sense of ‘freedom’ in my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get excited the moment that I know that the last person has left the house on Saturdays, which means  I can be ‘fully alone,’ which is just a mere association I have created within my mind with regards to ‘how’ I experience myself when being with others around me, instead of actually seeing and realizing that being alone or not must not change a single iota of who I am in every moment of breath.

When and as I see myself getting slightly excited about people leaving the house, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a positive experience out of being alone only to later on create the opposite when they come back, thus I assist and support myself to breathe in and during the moment I hear the door closing and realizing that whether there is people around or not, I am here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bothered by noises around me such as lousy music, laughter and/or the sound of glass bottles clashing against each other as this is all related to ‘people in a group’ that I have defined as lousy/noisy and bothering because of what it entails as a disturbance to my ‘perfect order’ as ‘my space’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to be possessed by, without realizing that this is in fact wanting to control others to only behave and be as silent as I want them to be at all times, just so that I don’t have to ‘be bothered’ with noises.

I realize that I have desired silence around as a‘perfect moment’ for myself, avoiding noises without realizing that I am the one that decides whether noise becomes something that ‘bothers me’ or not –

I realize that the laughter, the chatter and sound of bottles indicates a social reunion that I have programmed myself to loathe, simply because of linking it to drunken people that I have disliked due to the ‘disturbance’ they generate in a particular environment.

When and as I see myself reacting in irritation or anxiety when hearing more than the usual voices in the house as chatter, loud laughter, music and the sound of beer bottles clashing against each other, I stop and I breathe. I realize that me reacting to this is playing out the control-freak wherein I believe myself to be ‘the owner of the space’ and as such, not wanting to deal with any disturbance/ any additional ‘guests’ at home, because I have defined noise as disturbance. Thus I assist and support myself to simply focus on breathing and realizing that I cannot avoid people from laughing, talking, drinking or coming here – thus it is all about me supporting myself to stop all reactions and focus on doing whatever I is I am doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tense my body and become slightly anxious when I hear a group of people coming to the house, as I associate it with drinking and lots of people going to the toilet, which has also become part of the annoyance that I have allowed to preoccupy me in the moment, wherein I have justified my right to be ‘pissed off’ because of having more people at home, which is just quite an exaggeration from my side most of the times as the mind possession indicates itself to be.

 

When and as I see myself getting slightly anxious and reacting with tension because of hearing people coming to the house, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to simply continue doing what I’m doing instead of creating all sorts of backchat and reactions toward others, because my backchat and reactions won’t make them ‘go away,’ thus I only abuse myself within stopping breathing here and allowing this mind possession of ‘loathing visitors’ at home. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘at peace’ whenever there is no one home wherein I can ‘sing aloud’ without others having to hear me, which means that I have judged and suppressed my expression around others within the idea and belief that I do not have to bother them, just because of how I was taught to always be silent and quiet as a child – which is a justification really – thus believing that everyone must be equally silent and quiet at all times as a ‘norm’ of conviviality, which is just me wanting to impose ‘my own ways’ onto others a.k.a. wanting to control and manipulate another’s expression to suit my ‘standards of conviviality.’

When and as I see myself feeling at peace as a positive experience because of no one being around and being home alone, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this only exists because of me perceiving that I can now ‘be free’ to express myself, instead of seeing how I have imposed this limitation to myself due to the beliefs of me having to always be quiet and ‘not disturb others,’ which is why I have allowed myself to be disturbed by others within the consideration of them being ‘noisy’ – thus I assist and support myself to sing, express myself around others if I want to, without holding myself back as I see and realize that it is only fear of being judged what I am using as an excuse to not do so unconditionally.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘freedom’ to ‘being home alone,’ wherein I would feel at ease and just ‘free’ because of not having my space being ‘disturbed’ by others and also not having people to see what I do, which is all based on me then suppressing myself and hiding myself from others, which implies that I am still supporting a desire for privacy that has gotten ourselves in our world to abuse as one can only extremely so desire to be private about stuff wherein one can be involved in any form of abuse – thus I realize that this sense of freedom is in fact only linked to what I have defined as freedom in self-interest, and in no way does it point out to a reality of actual equality and oneness wherein no secrets exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider and associate parents as authority toward whom I had to ‘keep secrets’ in order to remain with a ‘good person’ character, without realizing to what extent my desire to fulfill a positive experience within me became a pattern of constantly desiring to be alone in order to have a ‘positive experience’ about my reality, that would only last for so long and that this in fact becomes just another desire and preferential point that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as.

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘freedom = being home alone,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this stems from my initial desire to be and do something that would not be allowed or witnessed/ known by others, hence doing so when being home alone. Thus I assist and support myself to breathe at all times wherein whether I am alone or not, it does not influence who I am as my beingness in every moment of breath. I allow myself to express myself regardless of the noise that my movements entail, as it is part of moving in the physical world – I do not have to ‘tip toe’ around all the time.

 

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to have ‘my space’ so that I could do things that I knew were ‘secret’ to others and were linked to my idea of ‘freedom’ as in ‘I can do whatever I want,’ which comes as a positive polarity from the usual oppression existent within families and parents, wherein we as children after being told what to do and what not to do, seek for a way to ‘be free’ and this means having ‘no authority,’ which is why the idea of freedom as no observers and no authority consummates in my desire to be alone.

I realize that I have created this excuse to make sense of my single desire to have a positive experience that I have linked to ‘being alone’ – thus I take self responsibility for the patterns I created within me in relation to wanting to be alone at home.

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘have my space’ and being alone at home for an extended period of time I stop and I breathe – I realize that my desire for freedom is mostly linked to personal interests of secrecy and privacy – thus I direct myself to instead act and live in self honesty wherein I do not have to create a ‘separate moment’ for me to be ‘without stress’ when being around and with others.

I see and realize that this is a pattern from childhood wherein I would not want to play with other kids simply because of considering them as ‘too messy’ and clumsy for my ‘perfected ways’ of being, which is ludicrous since that would mean I’d have to live in a museum to not be ‘disturbed,’ and that is certainly not living. I realize that every time I react in annoyance, I am in fact indicating myself that I am up there in my mind possession and not here as life breathing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get a negative experience out of knowing that people will be back home, which means I will stop being alone and as such linking being ‘with company at home’ to a ‘negative experience’ again, just to keep myself bound to the next moment wherein I will eventually get to be alone again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the backchat ‘If I could just be all alone all the time,’ which is actually a belief that I hold in order to create positive and negative experiences in relation to being with people or being alone, wherein I am not in fact considering the practicality of living  alone, for example, which would not be as beneficial in a world where sharing expenses makes like a lot easier – thus I realize that if I would follow my mind’s desires to be alone, I would have been in fact in an island because in this world we cannot possibly function being ‘alone,’ as no one is ever really ‘all alone.’ We walk our process individually, alone, yes – but the interactions and relationships that enable life are physically and intricately related a group, an organism –thus I stop my delirium of ‘wanting to be alone’ which is just a tantrum-throwing backchat in order to always be either waiting to be alone or creating a negative experience when being with more people at home.

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘I want to be alone at all times’ and having a negative experience because of seeing that other beings are coming back, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am the one that must deliberately remain here as breath so that being alone or with people does not define who I am, and instead I assist and support myself to remain here as the physical, as breath at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to end up believing that ‘my perfect peace will be destroyed’ when others arrive, which is just a way to create a negative and positive experience within me when being alone or not

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘my perfect peace will be destroyed’ when seeing more people getting home, I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘freedom’ as experienced when being alone is just a perception and as such, I direct myself to simply remain here constant and consistent as breath, wherein who I am is not defined by having people around me or not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see and realize how I eventually end up missing people after some time, wherein after a long time of being all alone, I start to ponder about wanting to have people around for short periods of time, which is just me trying to manipulate my entire world to ‘suit my needs’ according to how I want it, which is how I always sought to be conditional in my approach to people as I never learned how to really stand with others unconditionally, but only agree to communicate and open up according to whether I liked or disliked them, which is the entire point of who I am within evading communication, as part of ‘the loner’ characteristics of only talking to and communicating with people that would reinforce my characters, instead of having actually allowed myself to get to know people and interact with them based on common sense.

I see and realize that such desire to ‘be alone’ and ‘not be around others’ is just a mind fix that I have created within me in order to actually defend the ‘who I am’ as my mind as the loner character that in no way assists and supports myself to LIVE, but only keeping me busy within my own ideals that I have seen and realized never meet reality as it is only in the fantasies and future projections as ideals of ‘being alone’ that I create a positive experience that I ‘look forward to’ experience, yet when it comes to actually being alone, I realize that I do not in fact want to be ‘all alone all the time,’ and that this has only become a way for me to believe that the thoughts of wanting to be alone is ‘who I am.’ Thus –

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘be alone’ as a thought of quietness and stillness that emerge within my mind, I see and realize that this is a mind fix that I have used in order to activate ‘the loner’ character and create the inner conflict that I see and realize is absolutely unnecessary as I am here as breath and I am not determined by being with people or not.

 

Thus I assist and support myself to stop and breathe every time that I see myself ‘wondering’ about being alone and how much ‘fun’ I can have when being all alone, as I see and realize that most of the times I even end up doing nothing different to the rest of the time that I am with people. Thus I stop this useless character within myself as I have realized the inner-play outs that I have created in order to keep an ideal ‘loneliness’ at home with no foundation whatsoever upon practical and physical reality of oneness and equality, and instead existing as the opposite of separation and further backchat wherein I absolutely forget that I am here as breath.

 

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Support the Equal Money System wherein support will be provided for every human being to walk the process of taking responsibility for the separation we have created within our world based on what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become in our mind.

 

This is for the children of the world.

Ode to our Children

 

 

Blogs:

How Thoughts Activate Personalities – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 123

Day 123: TRUE ACTIVIST UNIVERSAL GRACE

119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone

119 is an Odd number and an oddity pattern has emerged. As mentioned in the previous blog, I am here to walk a point that comes before all points in relation to relationships, and that is a pattern that I have played out throughout my life and that I’ve mentioned in the blog  111. ‘Why aren’t you normal? which is a desire to be Left Alone.

And curiously enough, I had been trying to hide and suppress this point from the moment that I heard a song by Fiona Apple in her new record wherein she sings/recoils saying ‘How can I ask anyone to love me when all I do is beg to be Left Alone? –

 

This point can be quite extreme and it kicks in as a defense mechanism of the mind in order to place a red flag whenever there’s something/ someone that might be a potential dynamite to my self-religion, wherein I essentially start running away/ evading to ‘not be bothered’ or simply challenge my ‘way of being’ which is clearly a self-delusion.

The first memories stem from when I was a little girl and my mother would ask me to ‘go downstairs and play with x and x’ during a party or family reunion, which I refused to for whatever reason –I would even go into throwing tantrums simply because of not wanting to go and ‘play’ with other kids, which is how I would create an absolute opposition to the sound of her voice being ‘gently-pushing’ me to do something, until she’d get angry and scold me for not wanting to go downstairs to be/ socialize with other kids.

I can recall that I had a ‘hard time’ making friends simply because of this same point: I don’t want others to ‘disturb’ me, I don’t want to miss out this or that TV show if I go to his/ her house to play – I rather say that  I was sick and that’s why I didn’t go.  And so I always ensured I would only go to/ attend the places and interact with people that I wanted to be and interact with – but when anything or anyone went out of my ‘scheme’ of familiarity, I’d immediately seek ways to not participate, to not have to ‘go there.’

A memory that pops up was for example having outdoors activities at school, wherein kids would enjoy being boy scouts and I just thought of myself as inadequate for all types of outdoor experiences. So, I would push myself to not go at all or only go if it was absolutely directed to school – I really could not fathom how kids would want to spend their Saturdays doing all of that.

 

Sometimes girls would invite me to their houses, or anything else like a party or just going out or something and while they’d be asking me to go there, I would already be wanting to scheme any form of ‘event’ to make an excuse as to why I could not make it – I would rush into saying that I had this or that other class, or that I would be doing something else that would ruin the entire plan.

 

Other specific times is when I had wanted to be ‘left alone’ in relationships, wherein I apparently become too vexed and annoyed by another and in that, start scheming ways to pull myself away, like a literal ‘red flag, someone is about to push your buttons further,’ and as such immediately start getting annoyed by something, creating backchat as clear as ‘I don’t want to speak any longer/ I just want to be left alone’ – which is how I then go into being quiet and finding excuses as to why I should not relate to such person any longer.

 

Even when I was in a moment with ‘established’ friendships and relationships, there would always be a time wherein I just wanted to be left alone, even if I was already quiet habituated to be with them during the day, I would always hit the  introverted mode wherein I would simply remain quiet while backchatting about me wanting to leave home:  how could I get myself out of this situation, can’t he just stop talking, if I say that I don’t want to go then Ill be seen as anti-social, he/ she will take i t personal if I don’t want to go there – I just want to go home

 

Even when I was in supportive environments e.g. the farm I would ‘hit that point’ wherein I just wanted to be alone, like suddenly being ‘fed up’ of being around people and would only project myself into an immediate future of being alone in my room, doors closed, windows closed – no disturbance, silence. This is how the ‘going home’ or being in my room was like my little ‘spot in space’ wherein I could be alone.

And so whenever anything or anyone challenged my routine, ‘my way’ of doing things, my way of dealing with my everyday I would immediately go into a ‘defense mode’ of excuses in order to not go somewhere/ do something that would mean having to go to an unknown place or interacting with new people or doing something new. My home always being that ‘safe heaven’ wherein I could then feel at ease and always yearn to ‘get back to.’ 

So, this manifests even toward people that do not precisely represent a point that I have to ‘run away from’ in physical reality, but simply someone that is clearly being a ‘threat’ to my ‘loner’ character, which I have linked to people suddenly being ‘too close’ to me and I simply deciding that they’re getting ‘too close’ which is how I’ve always kept my bounds to remain the same in my own little routine where nothing moves and nothing changes – thus, the perfect intact trap for myself as my own ego.

 

This will continue…

Desteni I Process 

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Blog Explaining what Backchat is:

• Multidimensional Inner-Voices – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 119

• Day 119: True Activist Power

 

Life Reviews that I could ‘relate to’ in order to see myself as another:

• Life Review – My Life as a Teacher

• Life Review – When Life turns its back on You