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118. My Libido – A Denial

What would be the only reason why an essential aspect of our human-physical living reality such as the sexual drive – dubbed libido for psychoanalysis purposes can be obfuscated in a deliberate manner? Fear

 

Libido is the word that came up in the dictionary and immediately remembered how I had first listened to Kurt Cobain sing/scream this word in the chorus of the 90s youth anthem Smells like teen spirit which I first heard when I was about 7 – close to his death – and how I would always use the dictionary to translate words and get to know the meaning of words. I found out what this was and even at that age I already could see the experiences emerging with the meaning of the word.

 

Oh what will people that know me say about this? It’s fascinating because I had pretty much disclosed the entire point of sexual drive in a document that I kept for myself from the beginning of my process, to disengage that entire ‘sexual drive’ that I would find within me in almost every single moment of my beingness here. Yes, it was part of a system manifestation that I had – yet no different to any other sexual drive really. Through the years of my application within this process, I have been able to stabilize myself a lot in relation to sexuality and sex-drive, which is something very cool as I could see how it could get to control your every-day living if you are simply only waiting for the moment to have sex again – it was that extensive within me.

 

I have realized how part of the reasons for my dissociation with my family stemmed from them opposing the people that I would go out with – I stopped communicating with them, hiding and simply keeping the minimal-contact with them just because of realizing that ‘they would always oppose the person I decided to be in a relationship with’ – I had literally resigned and also ‘designed’ myself to live out the idea of having to get far, far away from them as an adult, as they would never approve of my relationships – however, this belief of them having to ‘approve’ of my relationships was part of the familial-type of patterns wherein partners had to always be introduced at home and so, my parents would agree or disagree with them and act accordingly – this is in relation to how my sister’s partners would be ‘treated’ – yes a fuckedup pattern indeed.

 

That’s why and how I developed ideas of: ‘I will never get married, I will never have kids, I will live in an open relationship with people, I won’t settle down the way they want me to’ never realizing how all of these ideas were only stemming from what I beLIEved was my way of ‘liberation’ from the perceived oppression. The Desteni I Process and particularly the Agreements Course has been very supportive to open up these personal repressions and entire psychological warfare that we develop toward ourselves as our own physical sexual expression that should not be hidden, should not be repressed/ suppressed as that is then still ‘giving head’ to familial traditions, traumatic experiences, an entire ‘sins of the fathers’ type of experience wherein I can see and have written out how I developed this ‘political’ way of being wherein I have kept my secrets in place, which is the same pattern that I can spot from ‘those that have gone before me’ in quite fascinating ways, as I see and realize how this has become ‘the way’ to keep ourselves safe in our bubbles, keeping literal ‘political relationships’ with one another while having quite a raucous personal life on the other hand.

 

So, back into the fear point and why I kept this to myself. I had a few ‘tortuous’ years when I was in my late teens, coping with the entire point of secret relationships out of fear of survival literally, as I feared that my parents would simply stop allowing me to go out or support my plans to study abroad if I would keep seeing this or that person.

I later on – much later on – realized how I had in fact not taken into consideration what I was doing when engaging in such relationships, but I had to see/ experience that for myself, fall flat on my face and stand up. However the lack of openness in communicating with my parents about it was simply an aspect that I see influenced me into keeping these topics secret to myself. I mean, I would easily talk about sex and the female/ male innuendo play outs in society, however I would never talk about how I would live that within my own life.

I was considering following on this topic – however, at the moment I see there is a point that requires to be walked with more specificity, which is how I have deliberately decided to be alone/ a loner and how I have also developed characters in relation to pushing people away the moment that they get too close – so, that will come in blogs to follow as that is more ‘latent’ within my current reality.

 

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a point like ‘sexual drive’ as a taboo to speak about in my blog because of the extent of the audience that I have now and believing that this topic is ‘too personal’ to share, wherein I realize that I can only limit myself because of an actual fear of what others would think about my realizations and writings, without seeing and realizing how this world is the result of having lived sexuality as a great point of ‘secret desire’ that is everywhere yet no one is openly discussing it, which is what causes most of the problems going on around sexual dysfunctions, paraphilias and any other type of diversion from physical-sexuality, as we have made of sex a mind-energetic drive instead of an actual integral part of our living-reality, wherein we can instead support ourselves to develop an equal and one self-communication at a physical level as our own sexuality, to later on expand and establish agreements with others that are doing the same and as such, change the way that sexuality is approached as a topic, and lived within this world wherein we have pornography, sexual abuse, sexual harassment and any other dysfunctional consequence stemming from this ‘unspoken banning’ toward all things sex in our reality.

 

I see and realize that I have perpetuated this secrecy as a way to still hold certain link toward a familial type of ‘rule’ wherein we are not supposed to talk about our personal sexual experiences, and only speak about ‘the surface’ of relationships, which is how sex was never a spoken topic toward me specifically, but only kept as an assumption wherein I believed that the only communication and understanding about sex was able to be obtained from school. Which was actually so and other sources such as books that I read in order to get to understand how it physically functioned – however, as a point to consider for everyone that is currently having kids or thinking about becoming parents, it is indispensable to create an openness to discuss about sexuality as in being a ‘girl’ or a ‘boy’ and the physical differences that exist between both, later on about masturbation, sexual relationships and stopping any form of ‘secrecy’ implanted onto this topic, as the slightest repression existent within oneself, can turn into the child’s own repression or the extreme opposite which is an absolutely ‘unleashed’ sexual expression as a form of spitefulness toward such repression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having feared discussing my personal relationships with my parents/ family in general because of fearing how they would judge the people that I would go out with, and within this making such fears as real as I would allow myself to live them out by creating a ‘double life’ wherein I could keep one side of my life secret and present another side of myself toward everyone, which is how I accepted and allowed myself to repress my own expression in communicating toward others what I was in fact doing and living as in relation to relationships/ sexuality, which became part of the personalities that I developed as a ‘survival-mode,’ just because of fearing not being supported to continue my studies or being kicked out of the house or simply perpetual fights because of me going out with particular people in my world.

 

When and as I see myself fearing talking about sex and my own sexual experiences, I stop and I breathe – I realize that these fears are directly linked to my family and the patterns of threats in relation to not going out with particular people in my world. I realize that no one else can decide for me ‘who I can establish a relationship with’ but myself, and that any objection can only be taken as a point to discuss with them to support them/ others to see where and how such fears/ judgments originate from their own personal experiences projected onto myself or others in question. This way I can practically assist and support myself and others to see how we have passed on our own personal repressions around sex because of fearing to see how such fears determined our ‘who we are’ in relation to sexuality, which is unacceptable to continue like this in our world wherein much of the behavioral problems stem from having an ‘unhealthy’ sexual relationship of individuals toward ourselves as our own physical body and toward others as sexual relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my parents had ‘all the power’ to decide who I could go into a relationship with or not, wherein the obvious fear-factor was being supported financially to live and study – hence I realize how even the relationships that we have toward ourselves and our own bodies is influenced by the relationship with our parents and not only the communicational aspect of it, but any other form of restrain and prohibition in relation to our own sexual expression is directly linked to how we were educated/ non-educated at all in relation to sexuality and our own physical relationship with our own body.

 

Thus when and as I see myself fearing what my parents/ family would say, think or judge another person that I decide to go into a relationship with, I stop and I breathe – I realize that no one else has a say to decide what’s best for me according to their beliefs and perceptions, but that I am the only one that is able to perfectly assess what I am willing to be, do and express with myself and another as an actual relationship of self-support. I also see and realize that any judgment can be worked with in relation to themselves and how they were educated/ uneducated about it, which is how I can practically turn a point of taboo, prohibition or further ‘disapproval’ into understanding wherein we can actually instead support ourselves to be able to communicate effectively about points that were simply ‘kept secret’ in the past.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the backchat and ‘ingrained beliefs’ such as I will never get married, I will never have kids, I will live in an open relationship with people, I won’t settle down the way they want me to’ as they were all spiteful decisions I made in relation to how I lived my own personal relationships and how I would ‘deal’ with that in relation to my family – thus I see and realize that I only limited myself to be and become one single idea of ‘who I will be in my relationships’ as a deliberate opposition and contrast to that which I would see as a ‘must-do’ and ‘must-avoid’ type of attitudes that I witnessed at home, not realizing that I was the only one that developed such fears toward it and within this, giving my entire power away to fear, to keep quiet and secretive about my relationships at all times.

 

When and as I see myself bringing up beliefs about myself, my future relationships and what I want to be and become and what I won’t ‘ever’ be and become – I stop and I breathe – I realize that the totalitarianism that I have imposed onto myself has been mostly a way to oppose my familial restrictions that I took personal and a pillar to develop my own ‘rebellious’ personality, which is nothing else but the exact opposite of what I made myself believe that my parents wanted me to be and become. Thus, I stop playing the game of being the ‘black sheep of the family’ and going against everything that I knew they ‘believed in’ and instead, simply consider at all times what is it that I am willing to live by and as, how I am willing to support myself in a relationship wherein an actual open agreement of self-support is lived in a physical way, wherein no ‘family taboos’ are existent any longer, and within this ensuring that all types of limitations toward sexuality and how to deal with it is stopped here, as I see and realize the consequences of what happens when sexuality becomes an ‘unspoken secret’ within the relationship we have with our parents/ family, and how this becomes a personal taboo as well the moment that we still unconsciously fear talking about it based on past experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having chosen partners that were deliberately the type of opposite ‘stereotypes’ from the people that I knew my mother wanted me to end up with in a relationship, which became a spiteful pattern that had to be played out in secret, just because of how my mother would disapprove from the partners I had, which was both a negative experience for having to be hiding – a positive experience based on how I would feel like I was finally ‘rebelling’ to the obliged experiences I went through with my mother, without realizing that I was then only acting and making decisions in spitefulness toward my mother and never in fact making an informed decision based on what is best for me to be and do within the consideration with whom it is best for me to establish a relationship with, without holding on the anti-stereotype of ideal partner in order to annoy my mother as I have realized how within wanting to spite my mother = I only ended up spiting myself

 

When and as I see myself seeking to in any way spite others with the decision I make in relation to my personal relationships, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the only person that I end up spiting is myself when decisions are made as a reaction instead of an actual in detail self-decision to actually design and create a self-agreement with myself and another in order to walk a process of physical support that can in fact stand as the new way of living sexuality and relationships wherein all past and familial taboos are self-forgiven and walked into a physical practical correction wherein I see and realize that all decisions I made, I am responsible for and that anyone else’s input on it can only be taken into consideration in relation to the actual support they represent or not.

 

I commit myself to walk my own process of self-agreement wherein I see and realize the importance of developing an openness to talk about sexuality with more people, as this is quite a ‘biggie’ point in our ‘human nature’ wherein because of the entire judgments and energetic-experiences attached to sexuality as a physical act, it has become only this image-based type of topic that people can masturbate to or have sex to wherein actual physical relationships are not considered at all, but only turned into these type of energetic-triggers to create yet another addiction that we have enslaved ourselves to, simply because of the same physical separation that we have perpetuated throughout our lives and deemed it as ‘normal,’ because we had in fact never understood how the mind works, how we developed a relationship of abuse toward ourselves and others the moment that we began regarding only sex and sexuality as an energetic experience toward an image, an idea or the idea and belief of another being in our minds that we could use a fuel to our own libido, wherein the actual physical experience was never considered in reality.

 

I commit myself to share myself and my experiences, so that parents and to-be parents can consider how vital the relationship of communication they have with their children actually is, and how it is a decisive factor that can create either a point of openness or repression within another being, wherein the sexual drive a.k.a. libido can be understood and properly given direction as an actual natural expression that must be developed by each being individually with and toward their own body, ensuring that such relationship is kept within the bounds of physicality and not turning it into a mind-drive for energetic experiences that later on vandalize an actual physical experience into a lucrative image-based drive for quick energetic fixes that in no way consider an actual physical relationship or agreement with oneself and/or another to actually walk a process of understanding the actual potential we have to develop this point of self expression in and as the physical with ourselves and/or another being when establishing ourselves as one and equal as our physical body.

I see and realize the importance of developing proper communication with ourselves as our physical body and with others in relation to sexuality, as this is the way wherein we can actually support ourselves to stop any form of limitation that ensues further ‘backdoors’ of abuse with absolutely detrimental consequences to ourselves as society, which is how we can only be controlled by images that are plentiful in our every day living as ‘advertisement’ becoming just another ‘match’ to light up for a moment to get a certain satisfaction, never ever considering the actual physical relationships that must be established in order to ensure that physical-sex is lived and understood and actually integrated as part of the new sexual expression that will step forth as an outflow of our own process of self equality and oneness.

 

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Thanks to Maya and her blogs that allowed me to also review this point for myself

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109. We Hate Love! We Love Hate! A Bipolar Societal Anthem

 

Watching news, movies or stories around people shooting people, guns and essentially a culture of violence. We can only exist in such ‘culture’ as an acceptable thing if it is made acceptable At Home, wherein we are taught to love our parents while learning how to judge those that are clearly not part of our ‘loved ones,’ which later on escalates to the righteousness of being able to actually Hate people that are deemed as the villains in the movie of reality. We take the right to recriminate, spit and boast around in anger about the so-called psychopaths while biting our tongue the whole time because: we are them as well.

 

We push the envelope even further every time, and it’s fascinating how love and hate emerges from the acts of people like James Holmes or Jared Loughner wherein they get an instant bred of ‘fans’ that suddenly obsess with them, while some others pull out their guts as words to hate them and absolutely express their own distress toward the obviously shocking realization of a human being being able to perpetrate acts of violence that disturb our perfect little quiet lives. From a certain perspective I can understand both the lovers and haters, simply because the mind can grab onto virtually anything to have just another fascination to cling on to, really.

In terms of ‘the Holmies’ as James Holme’s ‘Lovers/ fans’ we have a word for what they are expressing, and it’s not a surprise that we have such a wide range of paraphilia’s in this world? Mix sex with anything that is generally stigmatized and voilà, you get your perfect new drug. Let’s look at the word that describes this:

Hybristophilia “is a paraphilia of the predatory type in which sexual arousal, facilitation, and attainment of orgasm are responsive to and contingent upon being with a partner known to have committed an outrage, or crime, such as rape, murder, or armed robbery. The term is derived from the Greek word hybridzein, meaning “to commit an outrage against someone,” and “philo,” meaning “having a strong affinity preference for” – Wikipedia

 

So, having a strong affinity (love) for someone that has committed an outrage (hate) against another  Isn’t this word ‘hybristophilia’ depicting what we actually thrive in? Morbid fascinations such as getting turned on by serial killers, having animal crush fetishes, snuff films, movies like Crush that made it into popular culture and are elegantly termed ‘erotic films’ while it clearly depicts an aspect that no one is willing to admit: the love for those that hate, the hate for everything that could resound love as the ultimate spite– the perfect endless loophole that we have subsumed ourselves in. Nothing else but an energetic addiction, really – but, do we even dare to strip it down to see it for the battery-nature that it is? Hell no, according to people, life would be ‘boring’ if there was nothing to obsess about. That is ‘our popular culture’ – and this is what kids are born into at the moment.

 

This ‘rationality’ called ‘dichotomy’ is the outflow of our own ignorance about this reality as a result of the lack of understanding about our own mind and how we sentence ourselves with and by our own words. However, any ‘psychopath’ is not just a spontaneous-creation, it is the byproduct of our own society which is not this gigantic cookie-monster called ‘system’ that exists in separation of ourselves – no. It is all ‘home made’ and that is a literal term to consider, because we often see all types of evident-abusers in the world and condemn their acts which is the entire hatred toward the hater that is absolutely astounding and no one really cares enough to even ask how is it that a point of violence is attacked with even more violence.

 

So, from the ‘haters toward the hater’ coming from James Holme’s fan page on Facebook:

  • Veronica Abigail Jordan-Hubble how are ya’ll fans of this man? freaking sick fuckers! This man killed a 6 year old little girl, a mother, father, boyfriends, girlfriends. He killed so many people and your going to be fans!? You would not be a fan if it was you in the theater that night, you wouldn’t be a fan if it was your mother, father, girlfriend, boyfriend, sister, or brother he killed.
  • James holms fan club Why would my friend kill my family
  • Veronica Abigail Jordan-Hubble if your family had been in that movie they could have been killed, or seriously wounded.
  • Zoltan Csordas: Because your friend might have a fuckin screw loose? or might be seriously fucked up? who ever is a fan of this guy should be fucking shot dead and hung, and then shot while they’re hung. fucking disgusting people. James Holmes changed cinema going for those people involved that night FOREVER, and for those peoples children, and their children etc. I hope Holmes gets the ELECTRIC chair, never mind the non painful lethal injection shit…. no fuck that, this guy should be crucified onto a table, have his testicles pinned apart by his scrotum, and then one at a time, have each testicle ‘popped’ by a small hammer. I can think of many other ways to ‘take care’ of the rest of him but i aint gonna dwell too much on that. He deserves no fucking mercy, no compassion. and i don’t give a shit if he has a mental problem… too many murderers seem to be blaming their crimes on stuff like that. That guy knew EXACTLY what he was setting out to do. i hope those people killed RIP and my sympathy and thoughts will be with the survivors and others caught up in this horrific situation till the day i FUCKING die.

 

What no one realizes is how ‘the bad guy’ is ourselves at all times and how the very same thinking patterns that lead anyone to abuse and kill others – or themselves – are the very same patterns existent in each and every one of us as it is clearly proven in these quotes above. But, why are they seen as ‘acceptable’ when they are in fact the same type of thinking that lead someone to actually do it?

……………………………………………………………………………………………..

 

If we were able to call out each other’s abusive acts, we would be doing the same about each and every single adult person that is obviously an equal participant in this mess called ‘society’ and ‘reality’ that is clearly the brewing pot of any sociopath that is currently walking on Earth, which is essentially everyone but the children. However, our ill-driven minds ensure that children are quickly indoctrinated in ‘the ways of the world.’ Give them a toy gun, show them your regular ‘action movies’ and videogames and voilà, you’ll get a child playing to kill his fellow classmates with plastic guns that later on turn into legally bought weapons and you get Columbine, and with that a plethora of raging critics that can not even fathom that all condemnation is essentially a reflection of what exists in our minds.

 

Then, we dare to start condemning their acts as if they had suddenly ‘lost their mind’ to perpetrate such events, without realizing that is in the very mind that such atrocities are schemed and built-up throughout time as the accumulation of thoughts as the belief of ‘who we are,’ just because there was absolutely No One that could tell us otherwise.  And this opens the inevitable question: Who wants to point out parents as the cause and reason for any ‘apple gone rotten’ in the tree of a happy Family-Lie? No one, that would definitely deflate any sense of ‘honor’ that is held at stake toward the so called ‘nucleus of society’ that is obviously and absolutely inherently flawed from generation to generation. I mean, how could we as humanity have even dared to create the word ‘progress’ as a positive thing when all we have done is copied the same limiting and self-abusive patterns of the past and covered them up with LED lights to make them seem ‘bright in accordance to an artificially held by tweezers future’?

 

So, All Abuse has a beginning – and thank Anu, also an end –  and our beginning is clearly in the womb of a woman that  has lived in a world wherein Life has never been honored, wherein the basic considerations of human integrity do not exist and where money dictates who lives and who dies, wherein the Earth’s resources are consumed in absolute mind-possessed ways that are currently mining our entire ‘civilization’ from head to toe – we really lack the most basic common sense to not see and realize this. And that’s how we come into this world, some with more or less fortune speaking in money-terms, however all being equally ignorant of how it is that the very education – or lack thereof – from our first 7 years on Earth will determine who we will be for the remainder of our life. It is great that scientists are busy trying to find a ‘god particle,’ but can’t even explain the most basic repulsion that every kid experiences toward their parents while growing up, being a friction that we have accepted as ‘who we are,’ an inherent battle toward everything and everyone including ourselves. This is what we have become.

 

Therefore, being able to point fingers at someone requires turning the finger back at self to see and realize how we have become in fact the very perpetrators of everything we could possibly hate and love which is just the polarity relationships that we keep ourselves bound to, just by thinking and believing that there are ‘good things to keep’ in this world and in that, keeping our fascinations nearby and repulsions at a ‘safe distance’ apparently, we haven’t yet realized that this entire world is the materialization of our own mind, our ‘real nature’ made world-system. This is the only way how we can explain ourselves the reason why e have turned abuse into an entertainment industry and money into our own killer – literally.

 

So, back to the main point: any killer is not a man on an island, every abuser can only learn from what is seen around in the environment – therefore any form of abuse is and can only stem from a previous example available as ‘popular culture,’ such as a fascination for serial killers and all types of ‘role models’ such as the ‘rich and famous’ that set the tone for what kids will live to aim for – who has ever questioned how this creates robbery in the first place? Crime begins at home the moment that a child is not given a step by step explanation of the images seen on TV, of the advertisement on the street, of the basic ways in which this world function, pointing out the truth of our reality while giving a solution that can be worked for, establishing a communication to see what is it that they are in fact experiencing within themselves.

 

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Parents Produce the Nature of Their Children as Hate through the Excuse of Love, Even Inventing an Imaginary God, to Deny Responsibility, to End up as a Product as a Child, which is taught How to Love so that the Child can become another Parent that will Produce Hate as Very Few Humans are in fact Satisfied with themselves Physically and Mentally, and Refuse to Realize that this Result in the Direct Effect of the Spirit of Religion that is Used to Justify the Love through which Hate is Produced, ending up with a World where Love is Used to justify Hate, even Calling the Truth Negative, just to Not take Responsibility for the Sins of the Parents Generation after Generation.” – Bernard Poolman*

 

WE must understand that we are facing ourselves full on in/ as this world, that every single event that goes on in this world is not some random schizophrenic act to be amused by for a moment – no. Everything and everyone that is currently existing in this world is ourselves and as such, we have to start Paying Attention to what we are in fact becoming as humanity – see what is behind the animal fetish, what is behind the movie theater shooter, what is behind the life-long happy pill addicts, what is behind children being dumped in China, what is behind women having unprotected sex while being highly drunk, what is behind people eating people’s faces, what is behind the celebrity fascination in our culture – these are pertinent questions to ask and as such, seeing how the very things we cling on to that in any way we believe is GREAT of this world is in fact the very lock that disables the realization of how we have created the positive to mask the negative. Come on, peace cannot exist if wars didn’t exist – it’s just like perfume. We create these wondrous smells to cover up the natural stench of the human flesh – well, as long as we continue hiding from ourselves, nothing will change.

 

Stopping Love and letting go of all those ‘small things’ as the positive experience we have gotten ourselves high with is a Must-Do in order to sober up and realize hate as the actual human nature that must be self-corrected through a self-willed process, wherein you and I can live to be the final point to the ongoing mayhem on Earth. Once we dare to face the killer as ourselves will we be able to actually make progress in understanding how we bred ourselves into Insanity.

 

Walk the Desteni I Process to finally realize and understand who and what we are as our mind, what are the implications of the current existential process on Earth wherein we have the opportunity to Change ourselves into a living-reality where all beings are equally considered as Life. This is the final call for us all if we want to in fact prove that we can ‘love’ and stop all hate for once and for all.

 

Support the Equal Money System which is the world-system change wherein Parental Education will be compulsory before even thinking about having children, because we are witnessing the result of undesired lives brought to exert such self-hatred onto this world. WE are all on the same page, yet we are taking Self-Responsibility for our own minds, for our own bit within the map of this reality that requires more beings to Wake Up to the fallacy we have built until now.

Join the Journey to Life to stop the Madness in this world – it all begins within yourself.

Vandenberg- Life below the surface - Patient

Photo by Andreas Franke

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