Tag Archives: how to stop anxiety

189. Anger and Irritation upon Procrastination

Consequences – Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger and irritation toward myself and ‘the world’ because of my own procrastination and within this, having ‘wasted’ the time that I had when I had it to do this properly and instead, having to now rush things to make them ‘work’  – however I see and realize that I must be very aware of not going into a rushing state wherein I end up doing things just to ‘get them done’ and forgetting about realizing that each thing that I commit myself to do  requires the exact same amount of self-awareness here as breath to do it, and within this, committing myself to not just ‘get things done’ and get the ‘obstacle’ out of the way – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate my life to ‘getting things done’ and seeing the tasks and points that require direction as simple ‘points’ that I have to simply ‘get done and over with it’ without realizing that in this attitude toward my tasks and projects, I am in fact missing out the entire point of the task/ project in itself, which is actually an opportunity for me to slow down, stop seeing life as this series of projects and assignments and instead support me to realize that each and every single task I commit myself to I can take on as long as I am here as breath directing myself in every moment and within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the consequential outflow of me now having more tasks to do and having ‘wasted the time’ before, I will have to simply be more strict with myself and my time frames, as I see and realize that if there is this ‘extra thing’ that I have been procrastinating to do, it must be done as soon as possible – and within this equate all things that I have to do appropriately.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into the fear of ‘oh fuck I’ll be stuck here for another half year’ without realizing that I am not stuck and I created this for myself – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize that any point of pressure and rush is created by me and the relationship I created toward moving to another place and finishing school but at the same time not wanting to simply get the whole thing done with the final paper, which I see and realize that the sabotage is only toward myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anger toward myself and within this go into a pessimistic attitude toward it because I will not apparently be able to move in another half year, without realizing that if any consequences have to be faced, I will simply have to face them as they are and as long as it takes because there is no other way within this when one is subject to processes that I have no control over other than doing my part which is getting this document done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get pissed off when things go out of what I have initially considered they would go through/ as,  which implies having created a time frame for some other particular task, without realizing that I should have actually done this one written document long time ago and that it is my responsibility to now ensure that I use every bit of time to get to everything that I have to do, instead of wasting my time getting pissed off and irritated at everything and everyone because of my own dead corpse of procrastination.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience over procrastination as this further anxiety because ‘things are accumulating’ without realizing that I am the only one that is accumulating them as thoughts of what I have to do, instead of just doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to blame others for the decisions made and try and project my own anger and frustration toward me due to not having done the things that I had agreed to do a long time ago.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated because of having had music again the whole fucking day yesterday, wherein I go into a powerless mode because of not being able to go and shut people up so that I can have my peace and quietness to be able to write.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste another day and not write because of considering that the music/ noise from neighbors is absolutely irritating and impossible to write when having that constant sound.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even get irritated at someone arriving home earlier today and within this fearing that the noise will come through the interview and believe that ‘they should not fucking be here’ which is plain control-freak that wants peace and silence in order to please me and my ideals of having a quiet weekend.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wake up with a bad mood today because of things not going as I expected and within this, get irritated at everything, and everyone without considering that I am only acting out and lashing out my own energetic experience of anger and frustration for the accumulated procrastination toward points in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated because of things not being done according to how they were planned and agreed to be done, within this becoming inflexible and irritated because ‘things are not going the way that we decided and agreed to do them,’ without realizing that I am simply using this as an excuse to lash out and project my own irritation because of not having planed my life with my reality-responsibilities in order to be prepared and have everything done by now to then be absolutely ready and steadfast for anything that is required to be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately neglect the consequences that I would have to face in real-time reality based on my procrastination to not get this particular scholar task done and within this, having to postpone everything else that I wanted to do for undefined time in order for me to ensure that I can in fact leave with having everything sorted out.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself and my own departure based on my own procrastination due to me wanting to leave but at the same time creating deliberate obstacles in my reality that make it impossible for me to leave, even thought everything else is ready and the one that I am only waiting for is myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated at my own deliberate self-sabotage because ‘I knew what I was doing all the way’ and I didn’t stop, which places into perspective the actual Evil that we are and do to ourselves in order to make our lives more complicated simply because of accepting and allowing dishonesty from our side.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to miss breathing the moment that I simply get knowledge and information as having to ‘rush’ something without considering that any ‘rush’ can only exist as an energetic starting point to do things, which obviously always will carry out a consequences – thus

When and as I see myself rushing to do something and wanting to get it done as fast as possible – I stop and I breathe until I see that I am in fact being here stable and the movement within my physical body is not that of an anxious movement and strain, but is in fact a self-movement here as breath. Within this, realizing that I can only direct one point at a time and that I require to establish a routine that makes it practical and physically possible for me to do every single point every single day – and within this, also not accepting and allowing further manipulation to want to stop doing something to do that other thing, based on preferences or specific values given to one or another task, as I see and realize that that which will become part of my daily schedule, is all equally relevant and important.

 

Within this, I see and realize that the rush that I experienced this morning was because of having an unexpected notice and within this, having my little plans ruined because of believing that I would ‘still have time’ to work on this written project that I have been procrastinating, without realizing that such project should have been done by now and that the only way I will get this done is through simply doing it and stop whining about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of this task this ‘huge’ obstacle in my reality based on and directly proportional to the amount of time I didn’t direct it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the consequences are for myself yes, but also toward everything and all – and that this is actually depending on me and how I am able to stop the energetic experience toward my own procrastination and simply focus on what is required to be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience toward things going ‘out of plan’ without realizing that If I had in fact lived my life according to doing things in the time that I had also ‘planned’ to do, I would not be existing in such an energetic rush and anxiety because this is only the consequential outflow of my own procrastination and deliberate postponement to do things – the consequence is thus me having to simply do all things required without making an experience about it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the thinking ‘I don’t want to see anyone today’ wherein I am simply wanting to lash out onto people in my reality what I am experiencing within me due to having to face the consequences of what I’ve done, which is unacceptable since that is how I have criticized people as well, when they behave in absolute anger and irritation to people without the other people they are communicating with having anything to do with the person’s mood and personal frustration/ anger/ irritation thus

 

When and as I see myself wanting to lash out and be irritated at people in my environment as a way to show and reveal that ‘I am pissed off at myself’ I stop  and I breathe – I realize that this is actually rather foolish and stupid to do since who we are is already the accumulated and manifested consequence of having wasted our lives and time in entertainment and the feel good experiences of the mind which are now here to be faced as the time that I could have used to work on my task/project/ document, instead of now existing as an energetic experience of anger toward ‘the world’ as a way for me to blame and exert my reactions instead of taking responsibility for them, which is unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even get irritated by the presence of someone at home when it is supposed to be ‘all quiet and empty’ in order to satisfy my desires to have no noise around me, which has become a rather constant point of desire that I will surely have to get to, because it’s being also the source of anger and irritation because of people constantly playing music in the house or in the neighborhood, which makes it impossible for me to record interviews, but at the same time, I see that it is a point of me wanting to control my environment instead of realizing that I have no possibility of doing that, and that if I want absolute silence I then have to wake up in the middle of the night to have a relative silence around.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be irritated at someone cleaning in the house which reveals the absolute nonsensical way of existing as the mind, since I would get pissed off if people do not clean and now I get pissed off because someone is cleaning and ‘making too much noise’ – within this I realize to what extent one can utilize anything, virtually ‘anything’ outside of oneself to blame and project anger toward without a cause but our own self-created experience of anger and irritation that is only existent within ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am becoming my father when it comes to being constantly irritated and angry when things are not working ‘my way’ and be an absolute ‘sweet and loving person’ when things are going my way, which reveals the absolute disparity that I am allowing within myself based on the external environment and how it suits my preferences and desires/needs, instead of seeing and realizing how I have to take responsibility for myself and what I have created within me also as these energetic experiences of anger and irritation according to wanting to control my world and having things always working ‘my way’ and within my desired ‘time frame,’ without realizing that I have already imposed too much of myself as self interest toward my day to day living.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use another person as a reflection of myself to justify the anger and irritation as something ‘genetic’ without realizing that I also learned from looking at my father how he would go into anger and frustration and further retaliation toward others whenever things would not go his way, within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience frustration as that surge of energy that I am just waiting to lash out on others, so that others can be aware of me being angry and somehow seek some misery-is-company type of words and attitude as a confirmation to me being ‘right’ in getting angry

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my physical body throughout all of this and that I have not been diligent enough with myself in order to be breathing and Here as I direct points and situations, and that missing out on breath and missing out time and space that I could have used to work on my project is simply no longer here and that the only point I can do is giving it direction along with any other commitment  I have agreed upon doing. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get very sleepy as I write this and want to just shut down and go to sleep, without realizing that this is a defense mechanism in order for me to simply not continue realizing that this has been a key-aspect within my reality: how I have become this replica of what I would see my father do and that would actually bother me quite a bit, which is lashing out anger upon others and not taking self-responsibility for it. Thus

 

When and as I see myself wanting to lash out my anger toward others and not take responsibility for this single moment of preparing myself to ‘present’ myself in a particular way toward another being – I stop and I breathe  I realize that this is the moment wherein I have to ensure that I sort out and deal with my own reactions through self forgiveness and self corrective application as this is the only way wherein I ensure that I stop the abuse that I’ve imposed on myself as my reactions being passed onto others that certainly have nothing to do with it – and even if they did, I realize that I have to work on the point of not getting angry at them as an energetic experience, but simply point out something in common sense and at all times considering not only my own preferences and considerations, but what is best for all and within this, I realize that I cannot ‘know’ what’s best for all when I am existing in an energetic experience in my mind as within that I will only continue doing that which satisfies my energetic experience which  – as evil as it sounds – is wanting to intimidate and make other feel guilty for whatever reason, without realizing that this is certainly not the way to go, as I am only projecting onto others that which I am doing to myself /as myself.

I breathe – here and walk the points as required within Self Responsibility – I stop the blame and anger projected onto anything and anyone in my reality and assist and support myself instead to realize that there is only one solution to this all: just doing what is required to be done.

 

Self Corrective Statements and Self Commitments in the following post.

 

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185. Anxiety over Time

 

Anxiety is one of the physical consequences within the procrastination character – here I explore anxiety in relation to time, memories of anxiety linked with having to complete tasks or a specific ideal of ‘who I have to be’ in order to remain within the accepted and allowed self-imposed standards of being efficient, steadfast and accurate in what I do.

Physical Dimensions of Procrastination – Reaction of Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the experience of quivering and energetic churning in my solar plexus, extending throughout my body as all my limbs and believe that I must ‘act’ upon this experience to make it stop, without realizing that it is just the movement of energy that is throughout my body as the consequential outflow of me having created an experience toward my reality as emotions, feelings, thoughts which are only existent to generate conflict and friction within me.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety within my physical body, I stop and I breathe until the energy dissipates and I ensure that I am bringing myself here back to the physical, wherein I then rewind the moment to see what did I see, what was I thinking, what single thought emerged within me that caused me this energetic physical experience, as I see and realize that it won’t go away just by ‘breathing’ through it, but that the core and starting point of it must be clarified within me in order to take responsibility for the relationship of energy that I created toward something/ someone in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I see that I am ‘missing out’ on doing something, which is usually linked to being procrastinating a particular task wherein the single thought of ‘task’ to be completed, triggers this inner experience within me that is felt in the pit of my stomach. I realize that it is a Lot more subtle than the ‘anxiety attacks’ I would get years ago, however, it is still existent as this minute ‘bomb’ that I experience as a burst of energy that quickly fades in the solar plexus area – however, the energetic experience is still linked to me ‘knowing’ that I have to do something and me believing that ‘I don’t have enough time for it,’ which is an excuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘rush’ the experience of anxiety with, believing that it must be ‘done now’ and within this statement, binding myself to time instead of giving myself a practical direction to establish a moment of the day to dedicate to my task/ project to complete.

 

When and as I see myself having the thought of ‘task’ and then backchatting ‘I don’t have enough time’ – I stop and I breathe until the experience of the anxiety in the ‘pit of my stomach’ dissipates as I ensure that I return the energy back to the physical through in-out breath – as I bring myself here back to physical stability, I give myself direction in that moment to proceed to work on the task/ arrange my other tasks so that I ensure I do work on it today.

 

I realize that this energetic experience of anxiety is directly linked to ‘time’ as this ever-looming haunting presence wherein I have made of time an enemy without even wanting to realize it, thus I stop defining my day according to ‘time’ but instead direct me to move in every moment according to tasks/ points that must be completed – that way I stop binding myself to time, and work on physical reality here in every moment, ensuring I take on each point breath-by—breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so ‘used to’ the experience of anxiety that I have managed to simply shove it aside for a moment, and believe that I could ‘live with it’ or the remains of it as this not-so overwhelming experience as it used to be, but this little tiny energetic outbursts after these years of being stopping what I called as ‘nervousness’ which was actually anxiety,  and that it was ‘part of myself’ as something that could not be entirely ‘stopped’ which is me limiting myself to my full ability to remain here as the absolute physical breath and stability that I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of anxiety a physical experience that I defined as my own ‘alarm’ to move on and pay attention to what was required to do, wherein I would experience anxiety whenever I was expected to move ‘fast’ and do things ‘quickly’ in order to maintain a certain expectation of my ‘performance’ within specific tasks, specifically stemming from the relationship with my father, that I’ve walked through several blogs as an example 103. Being efficient out of Fear! wherein I realized that this desire to ‘match’ my father’s perceived efficiency would cause me to get into anxiety the same way that I would observe him be and do wherein, even if he would react in anger and anxiety to direct things, everything would always work out perfectly – or so I believed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require anxiety to perform a task, to get things done as an ‘alarm’ or ‘warning’ that there is something I must ‘get to do’ and within my own ‘rebellion’ toward my own patterns – foolishly so – I created a laxity toward this wherein I did not precisely write self forgiveness on the experience of anxiety and its origin, but tried to simply ‘breathe through it’ without actually understanding how I created the pattern myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memory of my father rushing us all to be ready to leave the house or do a particular ‘move’ wherein I perceived his own anxiety and demanding force for everyone to just hurry and move and get out of the house in order to leave, and me creating this experience within me of what I can refer to as anxiety within the belief that moving fast/ going out of the house immediately and essentially performing any task or something that is required of me to do, has to be done with this experience at a physical level of anxiety.

Therefore, I see and realize that I have programmed myself to believe that doing something ‘out of the ordinary’ or that which I am regularly comfortable with, must have an anxiety experience toward it accompanied with a sense of rush and steadfastness that is not physical only, but always accompanied with a mix of nervousness and anxiety as the expectation of something that would happen and that I would not know how to ‘control’ or what to ‘expect’ in such situations, which is how I believed that experiencing the ‘tickling’ throughout my body was a normal physical reaction to expectations, future projections, doing something out of my regular ‘doings,’ or being specifically called out by my name to move/ do something, requires anxiety for me to ‘wake up.’

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety when I am about to do a task or remember about doing it or being asked by my name to do something , I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me re-enacting that first experience of rushing/ fear/ anxiety and nervousness when I was asked to do something that I was uncertain about in relation to the point being ‘familiar’ or ‘known’ for me to Know what to expect – which is then realizing that I don’t require to have control of or be expecting something specific when dealing with a situation, when getting myself to perform a task, when going somewhere and meeting someone unknown to me as events wherein within my awareness have no reference to.

 

I commit  myself to realize that I don’t require anxiety in order to move and that it is certainly Not a normal experience whenever I am about to direct myself to perform a task, to go somewhere, meet someone, or I am simply asked to do something that I believe I am not ‘ready for.’ I realize that the readiness and steadfastness exists as who I am here as the physical breath by breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I go into a future projection of being in a situation wherein I am not ‘reaching my goal’ or ‘achieving what I expected’ or ‘fulfilling another’s expectations upon me,’ which is how I allowed myself to become the anxious and steadfast person based on the belief that I did not want to be as ‘slow’ as my sisters or mother, and within that, wanting to be ‘liked’ by my father for always being as ready, steadfast, accurate and efficient as I have perceived him to be. Within this, accepting his anxiety and usual anger as means o give direction to something or someone in a proper manner, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I required to experience anxiety within me in order to move, do things efficiently and even more so, when directing others also having to exert anger within my desire to have everyone and everything just functioning and working the exact same way that I want it to be – wherein if something did not go out as I ‘have intended to’ I would go into absolute nervous breakdown.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious at the thought of that still image of me in the classroom in second grade and simply losing my focus on that ‘mental calculation’ exercise wherein we have to go making immediate multiplications and just writing down the result and me missing out one of them and so suddenly going into this extreme fear and anxiety because I saw everyone else was simply following through and ‘I’ had lost it and within this an immediate overwhelming experience rushed to my head as me not getting an ‘A’ /or 10 as it is qualified here – and within this, missing out my ‘perfection’ at that stage which was the time when I was overtly apprehensive about my reputation in school as an ‘A’ student. Thus I began crying and simply lost it, which was a way for me to also want to create a justification as in ‘poor girl, she’s crying, let’s do it all again for her,’ as a point of manipulation in order for me to have a ‘second chance,’ which obviously didn’t happen and I didn’t get a good grade and that’s how it remained as a memory to ‘keep’ due to the extensive amount of anxiety that lead to crying and the embarrassment for crying and for missing out on the exercise at the eyes of my entire class.

Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety due to projecting onto others thoughts and beliefs of them thinking that I have simply ‘lost it’ as in missing out on the most simple stuff and within this, fearing to be stupid or dumb in that moment, which stood as an opposite of the image that I would ‘work so hard’ to maintain which was being the straight-A flawless student.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I believe that I am ‘losing my perfection’ wherein after the experiences throughout childhood of being overtly apprehensive with school, I became more ‘relaxed’ about it in order to show to others that I wasn’t as ‘apprehensive with school,’ wherein eventually it developed to the point I am facing today which is the ‘I don’t care’ character stemming from that initial stage in my life of extensive anxiety and apprehension toward school and doing everything ‘perfectly’ – o the point where I believe that ‘I don’t care’ however, always maintaining almost immaculate curriculum and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety as a suppressed way to not look at what must be done, but instead seeing it as me ‘missing out/ losing my position’ in relation to any point/ task/ project that I have to complete, thus

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the accumulation of me having had this expectation of myself as being always ‘perfect’ and ‘right’ in and throughout school, generating this idea that I must then continue that personality and that because I am not moving myself to do so, I require anxiety to move as a way to generate fear within me to move myself – but! because it meets with my newly upgraded character of the apprehensive mutated into the ‘I don’t care,’ the anxiety is quieted down and immediately-instantly suppressed with an ‘I don’t care’ experience which is then creating a thought or come up with something for me to do in order to make it alright for me to not do things – thus  I see that this single play out of experience requires stopping both the anxiety and the cover up experience to the anxiety as ‘I don’t care’ in order to simply move physically and get things done.

 

I commit myself to stop waiting for me to experience a thought and anxiety afterward related to ‘doing the task’ as a way to move myself and within this, stopping the cover up experience of ‘I don’t care’ and leaving it for later – as I see and realize that as long as I continue making it ‘okay’ to save it for later, I continue the indecision and lack of self direction in one moment here, wherein I realize that I only require to make the decision and live it out as myself.

 

There’s more to come in relation to anxiety, ‘big projects’ or tasks and my looming experience that comes when thinking that ‘I have to do something’ but then going into anxiety, suppress it and continue doing something else wherein no self-movement is then occurring.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety at the moment for thinking ‘all the stuff I have to do after I post this blog’ and immediately wanting to rush to publish and ‘get done with it’ wherein I then start blaming myself for taking the time to work on the cooking process earlier and within this not prioritizing my time – thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to rush and get anxious to post my blog, I stop and I breathe until I redistribute the anxiety experience throughout my body and out through breathing, and then I realize that I require to be more directive during mornings like today wherein I can simply go straight to the writing to then focus on answering mails and everything else that must be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rubbing my feet within the anxiety experience wherein I have become so used to the rubbing of my feet as a physical indication of anxiety and nervousness upon the realization that ‘I am behind’ something and I must ‘hurry’ as if rubbing my feet would somehow expedite the process as a constant friction experienced as the act of rubbing my feet one against the other.

When and as I see myself rubbing my feet together as a way to externalize the anxiety as the friction I am experiencing inside me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require to externalize a point of literal friction within me outside as rubbing my feet one against the other in a constant manner, as I can instead stop the anxiety from the beginning and within this

I commit myself to breathe and slow down every single moment that I see the slightest emergence of anxiety as myself as a rushing point to ‘get it done,’ and also stopping the imagination and projection of doing things ‘right away after I’m done with this,’ as it is an indication of dimensional shifts that I am participating in, wherein I am not being fully here as the finishing of the blog itself, but already wanting to ‘finish it up/ get it done’ so that it is posted, without realizing that I have been the only one that has set this ‘time’ limitation to my tasks.

Instead, I direct myself to simply make use of my time effectively wherein I see that there is no point in limiting myself according to ‘time’ but rather ensure that I work-on and direct points that are required to be directed moment by moment – one after the other – ensuring that throughout the process, I am here as breath.

I commit myself to breathe consciously and in full hereness, stopping whatever I am doing, until I can stand and ensure that I am no longer being ‘subject to’ anxiety, as I see and realize that whenever I try to only ‘cover up’ anxiety, it becomes just this something that is placed aside without really focusing on identifying the origin point and within this supporting myself physically to breathe through it until all energy is dissipated and I take responsibility for whatever is causing the anxiety within me.

I commit myself to realize that who I am is stable here as the physical and that I require no energetic experience to move myself and direct myself as I have just seen and realize how I am able to breathe through the experience until the energy dissipates and I am here stable as self.

I commit myself to ensure that I breathe until all muscles of my physical body are not tense and I experience breath being comfortably here as myself.

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