185. Anxiety over Time

 

Anxiety is one of the physical consequences within the procrastination character – here I explore anxiety in relation to time, memories of anxiety linked with having to complete tasks or a specific ideal of ‘who I have to be’ in order to remain within the accepted and allowed self-imposed standards of being efficient, steadfast and accurate in what I do.

Physical Dimensions of Procrastination – Reaction of Anxiety

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as the experience of quivering and energetic churning in my solar plexus, extending throughout my body as all my limbs and believe that I must ‘act’ upon this experience to make it stop, without realizing that it is just the movement of energy that is throughout my body as the consequential outflow of me having created an experience toward my reality as emotions, feelings, thoughts which are only existent to generate conflict and friction within me.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety within my physical body, I stop and I breathe until the energy dissipates and I ensure that I am bringing myself here back to the physical, wherein I then rewind the moment to see what did I see, what was I thinking, what single thought emerged within me that caused me this energetic physical experience, as I see and realize that it won’t go away just by ‘breathing’ through it, but that the core and starting point of it must be clarified within me in order to take responsibility for the relationship of energy that I created toward something/ someone in separation of myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I see that I am ‘missing out’ on doing something, which is usually linked to being procrastinating a particular task wherein the single thought of ‘task’ to be completed, triggers this inner experience within me that is felt in the pit of my stomach. I realize that it is a Lot more subtle than the ‘anxiety attacks’ I would get years ago, however, it is still existent as this minute ‘bomb’ that I experience as a burst of energy that quickly fades in the solar plexus area – however, the energetic experience is still linked to me ‘knowing’ that I have to do something and me believing that ‘I don’t have enough time for it,’ which is an excuse that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘rush’ the experience of anxiety with, believing that it must be ‘done now’ and within this statement, binding myself to time instead of giving myself a practical direction to establish a moment of the day to dedicate to my task/ project to complete.

 

When and as I see myself having the thought of ‘task’ and then backchatting ‘I don’t have enough time’ – I stop and I breathe until the experience of the anxiety in the ‘pit of my stomach’ dissipates as I ensure that I return the energy back to the physical through in-out breath – as I bring myself here back to physical stability, I give myself direction in that moment to proceed to work on the task/ arrange my other tasks so that I ensure I do work on it today.

 

I realize that this energetic experience of anxiety is directly linked to ‘time’ as this ever-looming haunting presence wherein I have made of time an enemy without even wanting to realize it, thus I stop defining my day according to ‘time’ but instead direct me to move in every moment according to tasks/ points that must be completed – that way I stop binding myself to time, and work on physical reality here in every moment, ensuring I take on each point breath-by—breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so ‘used to’ the experience of anxiety that I have managed to simply shove it aside for a moment, and believe that I could ‘live with it’ or the remains of it as this not-so overwhelming experience as it used to be, but this little tiny energetic outbursts after these years of being stopping what I called as ‘nervousness’ which was actually anxiety,  and that it was ‘part of myself’ as something that could not be entirely ‘stopped’ which is me limiting myself to my full ability to remain here as the absolute physical breath and stability that I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of anxiety a physical experience that I defined as my own ‘alarm’ to move on and pay attention to what was required to do, wherein I would experience anxiety whenever I was expected to move ‘fast’ and do things ‘quickly’ in order to maintain a certain expectation of my ‘performance’ within specific tasks, specifically stemming from the relationship with my father, that I’ve walked through several blogs as an example 103. Being efficient out of Fear! wherein I realized that this desire to ‘match’ my father’s perceived efficiency would cause me to get into anxiety the same way that I would observe him be and do wherein, even if he would react in anger and anxiety to direct things, everything would always work out perfectly – or so I believed.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I require anxiety to perform a task, to get things done as an ‘alarm’ or ‘warning’ that there is something I must ‘get to do’ and within my own ‘rebellion’ toward my own patterns – foolishly so – I created a laxity toward this wherein I did not precisely write self forgiveness on the experience of anxiety and its origin, but tried to simply ‘breathe through it’ without actually understanding how I created the pattern myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memory of my father rushing us all to be ready to leave the house or do a particular ‘move’ wherein I perceived his own anxiety and demanding force for everyone to just hurry and move and get out of the house in order to leave, and me creating this experience within me of what I can refer to as anxiety within the belief that moving fast/ going out of the house immediately and essentially performing any task or something that is required of me to do, has to be done with this experience at a physical level of anxiety.

Therefore, I see and realize that I have programmed myself to believe that doing something ‘out of the ordinary’ or that which I am regularly comfortable with, must have an anxiety experience toward it accompanied with a sense of rush and steadfastness that is not physical only, but always accompanied with a mix of nervousness and anxiety as the expectation of something that would happen and that I would not know how to ‘control’ or what to ‘expect’ in such situations, which is how I believed that experiencing the ‘tickling’ throughout my body was a normal physical reaction to expectations, future projections, doing something out of my regular ‘doings,’ or being specifically called out by my name to move/ do something, requires anxiety for me to ‘wake up.’

 

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety when I am about to do a task or remember about doing it or being asked by my name to do something , I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me re-enacting that first experience of rushing/ fear/ anxiety and nervousness when I was asked to do something that I was uncertain about in relation to the point being ‘familiar’ or ‘known’ for me to Know what to expect – which is then realizing that I don’t require to have control of or be expecting something specific when dealing with a situation, when getting myself to perform a task, when going somewhere and meeting someone unknown to me as events wherein within my awareness have no reference to.

 

I commit  myself to realize that I don’t require anxiety in order to move and that it is certainly Not a normal experience whenever I am about to direct myself to perform a task, to go somewhere, meet someone, or I am simply asked to do something that I believe I am not ‘ready for.’ I realize that the readiness and steadfastness exists as who I am here as the physical breath by breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I go into a future projection of being in a situation wherein I am not ‘reaching my goal’ or ‘achieving what I expected’ or ‘fulfilling another’s expectations upon me,’ which is how I allowed myself to become the anxious and steadfast person based on the belief that I did not want to be as ‘slow’ as my sisters or mother, and within that, wanting to be ‘liked’ by my father for always being as ready, steadfast, accurate and efficient as I have perceived him to be. Within this, accepting his anxiety and usual anger as means o give direction to something or someone in a proper manner, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I required to experience anxiety within me in order to move, do things efficiently and even more so, when directing others also having to exert anger within my desire to have everyone and everything just functioning and working the exact same way that I want it to be – wherein if something did not go out as I ‘have intended to’ I would go into absolute nervous breakdown.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get anxious at the thought of that still image of me in the classroom in second grade and simply losing my focus on that ‘mental calculation’ exercise wherein we have to go making immediate multiplications and just writing down the result and me missing out one of them and so suddenly going into this extreme fear and anxiety because I saw everyone else was simply following through and ‘I’ had lost it and within this an immediate overwhelming experience rushed to my head as me not getting an ‘A’ /or 10 as it is qualified here – and within this, missing out my ‘perfection’ at that stage which was the time when I was overtly apprehensive about my reputation in school as an ‘A’ student. Thus I began crying and simply lost it, which was a way for me to also want to create a justification as in ‘poor girl, she’s crying, let’s do it all again for her,’ as a point of manipulation in order for me to have a ‘second chance,’ which obviously didn’t happen and I didn’t get a good grade and that’s how it remained as a memory to ‘keep’ due to the extensive amount of anxiety that lead to crying and the embarrassment for crying and for missing out on the exercise at the eyes of my entire class.

Within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into anxiety due to projecting onto others thoughts and beliefs of them thinking that I have simply ‘lost it’ as in missing out on the most simple stuff and within this, fearing to be stupid or dumb in that moment, which stood as an opposite of the image that I would ‘work so hard’ to maintain which was being the straight-A flawless student.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety whenever I believe that I am ‘losing my perfection’ wherein after the experiences throughout childhood of being overtly apprehensive with school, I became more ‘relaxed’ about it in order to show to others that I wasn’t as ‘apprehensive with school,’ wherein eventually it developed to the point I am facing today which is the ‘I don’t care’ character stemming from that initial stage in my life of extensive anxiety and apprehension toward school and doing everything ‘perfectly’ – o the point where I believe that ‘I don’t care’ however, always maintaining almost immaculate curriculum and within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety as a suppressed way to not look at what must be done, but instead seeing it as me ‘missing out/ losing my position’ in relation to any point/ task/ project that I have to complete, thus

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the accumulation of me having had this expectation of myself as being always ‘perfect’ and ‘right’ in and throughout school, generating this idea that I must then continue that personality and that because I am not moving myself to do so, I require anxiety to move as a way to generate fear within me to move myself – but! because it meets with my newly upgraded character of the apprehensive mutated into the ‘I don’t care,’ the anxiety is quieted down and immediately-instantly suppressed with an ‘I don’t care’ experience which is then creating a thought or come up with something for me to do in order to make it alright for me to not do things – thus  I see that this single play out of experience requires stopping both the anxiety and the cover up experience to the anxiety as ‘I don’t care’ in order to simply move physically and get things done.

 

I commit myself to stop waiting for me to experience a thought and anxiety afterward related to ‘doing the task’ as a way to move myself and within this, stopping the cover up experience of ‘I don’t care’ and leaving it for later – as I see and realize that as long as I continue making it ‘okay’ to save it for later, I continue the indecision and lack of self direction in one moment here, wherein I realize that I only require to make the decision and live it out as myself.

 

There’s more to come in relation to anxiety, ‘big projects’ or tasks and my looming experience that comes when thinking that ‘I have to do something’ but then going into anxiety, suppress it and continue doing something else wherein no self-movement is then occurring.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety at the moment for thinking ‘all the stuff I have to do after I post this blog’ and immediately wanting to rush to publish and ‘get done with it’ wherein I then start blaming myself for taking the time to work on the cooking process earlier and within this not prioritizing my time – thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to rush and get anxious to post my blog, I stop and I breathe until I redistribute the anxiety experience throughout my body and out through breathing, and then I realize that I require to be more directive during mornings like today wherein I can simply go straight to the writing to then focus on answering mails and everything else that must be done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be rubbing my feet within the anxiety experience wherein I have become so used to the rubbing of my feet as a physical indication of anxiety and nervousness upon the realization that ‘I am behind’ something and I must ‘hurry’ as if rubbing my feet would somehow expedite the process as a constant friction experienced as the act of rubbing my feet one against the other.

When and as I see myself rubbing my feet together as a way to externalize the anxiety as the friction I am experiencing inside me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require to externalize a point of literal friction within me outside as rubbing my feet one against the other in a constant manner, as I can instead stop the anxiety from the beginning and within this

I commit myself to breathe and slow down every single moment that I see the slightest emergence of anxiety as myself as a rushing point to ‘get it done,’ and also stopping the imagination and projection of doing things ‘right away after I’m done with this,’ as it is an indication of dimensional shifts that I am participating in, wherein I am not being fully here as the finishing of the blog itself, but already wanting to ‘finish it up/ get it done’ so that it is posted, without realizing that I have been the only one that has set this ‘time’ limitation to my tasks.

Instead, I direct myself to simply make use of my time effectively wherein I see that there is no point in limiting myself according to ‘time’ but rather ensure that I work-on and direct points that are required to be directed moment by moment – one after the other – ensuring that throughout the process, I am here as breath.

I commit myself to breathe consciously and in full hereness, stopping whatever I am doing, until I can stand and ensure that I am no longer being ‘subject to’ anxiety, as I see and realize that whenever I try to only ‘cover up’ anxiety, it becomes just this something that is placed aside without really focusing on identifying the origin point and within this supporting myself physically to breathe through it until all energy is dissipated and I take responsibility for whatever is causing the anxiety within me.

I commit myself to realize that who I am is stable here as the physical and that I require no energetic experience to move myself and direct myself as I have just seen and realize how I am able to breathe through the experience until the energy dissipates and I am here stable as self.

I commit myself to ensure that I breathe until all muscles of my physical body are not tense and I experience breath being comfortably here as myself.

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Blogs:

• Character Dimensions – CONSEQUENCE Dimension (Part 2): DAY 185

• Day 185: After Death Communications – Part 34

 

Interviews out of the Eqafe oven:

• Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 20

• Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 21

Impatience

Impatience – in pain shuns

Being called ‘Ms. anxiety’ was not a matter of casualty – this is the way that my mother would call me whenever I would get desperate and anxious to get things done in the moment I wanted, whenever I wanted and as I wanted it, which is a pattern I had/have lived throughout my life. I now see it as her having to deal with a female version of my father in the role of ‘her daughter’ whenever I  I would play out this pattern from a very early age in my life.

I would see the culmination of this when throwing tantrums every time that things didn’t go ‘my way.’ I would create and compound these energies that I would only ‘discharge’ in deliberate ways when I would exert them out in the form of what I could call extreme anger possessions. These were moments wherein in the middle of a tantrum I would go into a room or the bathroom in extreme anger and, in my mind being very, very pissed off about something which was usually linked to my pet peeves at that age. In between the crying while backchatting myself to sustain the ‘anger’ within me, I would take my body to a state of absolute shock until I would experience the type of chills that take over your entire body. In such moments after experiencing that ‘peak’ of anger wherein I could feel and experience all my nerves ‘piking up,’  I would then slow down, and then mostly remaining crying in guilt and even a form of pity toward myself, because of realizing that I was physically harming my body whenever I took myself to that point, I would even fear for my heart suddenly paralyzing in such moments. I guess this was my first ability to understand self-abuse at a physical level from which I would tell myself not to do it again, I can even remember giving little kisses to my arms because I could experience a great pain afterwards throughout my entire body which was obviously not cool to walk through. It was almost the same experience I would get when having to vomit when being sick.

So, back to here and how this came up.

I just experienced a pain on the top of my back and I saw that it emerged after walking through a point of having to answer someone’s posts while keeping it as simple and as common sensical as possible without allowing me to get frustrated and irritated by ‘the other person simply ‘not getting it’ without realizing that self-support must be here, unconditional and without any form of experience being created within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shun away the point of applying self forgiveness for experiencing ‘impatience’ just because of thinking ‘I can handle it’ which is actually a point of ego wherein I am mostly not facing the point as myself and being aware of what I am participating at a thought level, and just ‘shunning it away’ to not realize that I am still reacting in frustration and irritation when having to explain something to someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an entire physical tenseness where my jaw is mostly tense and in pain as I read through the words that I have to reply to and judging the person as ‘inept’ for not being able to ‘get it,’ within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional experience of anger, irritation and frustration which I perceive as ‘impatience’ only once that I have accepted and allowed the backchat to keep going eventually manifesting as an entire physical experience of pain and discomfort which is here reminding me that I cannot just pretend that ‘I can handle it’ and not face the experience that I am creating within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create impatience out of wanting others to see as I see and understand at the same rate I understand and within this, not taking into consideration the the other person’s context and background which is what I must take into consideration before continuing creating any judgment upon another, which is simply unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert anger onto others through written words when becoming frustrated and irritated and get even more irritated if I see no ‘reaction’ within them either, which is quite a fuckup because I have become used to fighting others within anger and this irritation toward others that then becomes an irritation exerted toward the entire world without seeing/ realizing that such irritation and frustration is only toward myself, accumulated from my own procrastination to direct myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own irritation and accumulated frustration toward others whenever I perceive others to be ‘too slow’ to get it or having to explain the same point several times.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘everything is fine’ because the person perceives that I am being ‘patient’ through answering all the questions and feeling ‘good’ because the person is ‘getting it’ apparently, while in fact I am not being patient within myself, only writing in away that is able to be understood – however I take responsibility for my inner experience and STOP existing in this inner experience even if it is not noticeable through my words, so this is about allowing myself to be Self Honest about it, give myself this time to write about it and then continue walking which is cool and self supportive.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe every moment that I see this energetic experience of tension and impatience coming up which manifests as this entire tension in my jaw which leads me to have thoughts about just wanting to punch something/ someone lol even if I cannot see myself doing that in real life, but the experience is just like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy as anger and frustration toward myself and exerting it out on to others as and through backchat which is only causing me to experience the effect of such accumulated energy as pain, instead of realizing that I can breath through it and disperse/ diffuse the point as I see it and experience it in the moment, breathing, here, not allowing myself to go into thoughts judging myself and others in that moment and not taking self responsibility for what I am experiencing, which eventually has nothing to do with ‘others’ but myself only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be unconditionally here, absolutely here as myself replying and commenting toward others but creating a particular stance toward particular beings according to how I read them, how I see them and how I have formed a judgment around them. This is unacceptable and I see and realize that I am able to simply direct any point in common sense, unconditionally, regardless of ‘who’ the person is and within this, allowing myself to direct myself to not participate in any reaction, but only work with the words that are here to write and direct in means of self support for both parties one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as impatience in the past as a form of superiority when thinking that others are ‘too slow’ for myself which has lead me to drop out in many cases, just because of ‘having to wait for others’ and within this sabotaging my ability to stand one and equal as others as well as not completing that which I could have completed if I had been patient enough.

This made me remember that German course, well I took German twice in my life, basic courses and I dropped out of both mostly because of perceiving that everyone was too slow and the course was too repetitive whereas I wanted to ‘speed up’ and advance as fast as possible – within this I would blame the rest of the class for being inconsistent and not supportive to go faster through the courses. I lead myself to step in my superiority position and dropping out, deeming it to be ‘too slow’ for me, which lead me to simply ditch German courses altogether to my own detriment, because I simply didn’t continue out of this fucked up ‘pride’ of being ‘too fast’ for those courses – the joke was obviously only on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people according to being ‘too slow’ for myself and within this only sabotaging myself as the opportunity to support me to slow down within my ambitions of ‘getting it done’ and ‘having things done’ as fast as possible, which is just a preprogrammed ‘treat’ of myself as a perfectionist, wanting to have everything just ‘done’ and ‘ready’ and ‘perfect’ in one go, while in reality this doesn’t work that way.

We actually have to Walk through the process of realizing that we are not alone in this world, we cannot possibly ‘run’ and ‘speed’ in our own bubble – I mean if we look at the example of those people that speed their cars, they are only caring for their own either timeframe or simple enjoyment of driving fast – which I see I enjoy lol – without actually caring about potential outcomes as accidents that may occur from such ‘speeding.’ I have judged these people as ‘inconsiderate’ without realizing that I have done the same as well, not ‘speeding a car’ because I don’t even drive yet, but speeding in my mind and wanting things and people to be ‘on the same page’ all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as ‘inconsiderate’ when not slowing down and taking others into consideration when speeding up while driving, without realizing that I have been in essence playing out the same pattern but in relation to interacting with people and the general way of ‘carrying myself’ which is that of a constant ‘hurry.’

So, I’m aware of this constant hurry and almost ‘anxiety’ of how I have lived my life. This has substantially diminished, I mean, I would get this anxiety mixed with nervousness even by having to get out of my house and go downtown and having to walk through streets to get somewhere, which can be equated to ‘having to complete any task’ in my reality. There were hundreds of fears and thoughts going through my mind all the time as I would ride there, as I would step down of the bus and walk around – a lot of self judgment and fear which would lead me to hurry around the whole time until I would get to a ‘safe spot’ such as the coffee shop lol.

So, I can speak from how through walking these ‘usual habits’ through self forgiveness I have been able to stop such experiences by simply breathing through any single thought that could emerge indicating any form of nervousness, anxiety or any other fear within such simple activity like ‘going out of my house’ which I have defined as ‘safe spot.’

Through supporting ourselves to stop these experiences, we’re able to then see how such experiences are not only related to or limited to being physically moving or facing others, but are able to come up within our internet interactions. I can see this is one of the ‘shades’ of this constant hurry I would exist as, a constant exigency to have things done ‘my way’ and ‘as fast as possible’ while I would then deem the rest of the world was just ‘too slow’ for me, only sabotaging myself and miss the opportunity to slow down because of thinking that ‘everyone was wrong and too slow for me,’ instead of realizing: I am the one that must slow down, I am the one that must stand here as every breath wherein it is futile trying to ‘breath faster’ or anything like that. I mean, imagine if our physical bodies would suddenly decide to either be ‘too slow’ some days or ‘too fast’ other times – sure, metabolisms work differently because of various factors according to different people – however, it is constant as that organism’s nature. This is how we have to equalize ourselves to, that physical pace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘exigent’ toward others without realizing that I am not living that point of optimum living myself, by the single fact of such exigency coming from a personality/ ego pattern that is not in relation to the physical pace of our own breathing, of our own living process that is here moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a ‘demanding’ stance toward others without realizing that I haven’t applied this toward myself and my own application unconditionally – hence it is ludicrous to ask or be expecting anything from anyone about something that I haven’t even lived by and applied for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate ‘speed’ and doing things as ‘fast as possible’ with being efficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father for having this constant ‘rush’ as a continual form of existing without realizing that I was living out and playing out the exact same patterns in my world.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop this mutual acceptance with my father as a form of ‘empathy’ within our own mindfucks, which is how I would then enjoy going out with him because of how fast he moves and how ‘efficient’ he is in everything he does.

I would enjoy walking with him because I would have to push myself to walk as fast as he would and in that, I simply pushed myself to become equal to that which I admired of him. As I have explained, is not that this is ‘good or bad’ but it is simply to place now this point and walk it in common sense where it is now very clear how within me existing in this constant rush and desire for ‘speed’ and ‘effectiveness’ I am limiting myself within a single frame of mind that prevents me from walking this point in equality within the consideration of What’s Best for All, which is then realizing I must live this point in common sense = considering each persons’ context before reacting or judging another for whatever I have compared myself to them.

I see how in essence this is how it works: we are constantly comparing ourselves with others when having any form of reaction or experience.

Thus, this point I take as a way to place into perspective how hurrying is literally a mindfuck, rushing everything in my mind then links to some form of ‘worry’ and unnecessary anxiety that becomes ‘frustration’ because of not having things working as I expect them to work out. This is how we usually then become our own mindfucks to deal with, this is how we do it all to ourselves.

Sticking to physical reality is then realizing: I am here as breath, I move and direct each point as I read through the words and reply in common sense without expecting or wanting a particular outcome wherein I can be ‘satisfied’ about others’ understanding. I simply direct each point as it is here on my screen, without holding any idea/ belief or perception accumulated over time on a particular ‘someone’ because I see and realize that this is in no way about ‘others’ but myself only.

Point by point, moment by moment we walk here and we stop ‘unleashing the dragon’ out of nowhere – apparently – and instead make sure we don’t accumulate all of these thoughts eventually becoming physical pain to ‘deal with.’

Such forms of abuse are unnecessary, we do it to ourselves = we take self responsibility.

Breathe.

Patience– the mommy of all virtues