Tag Archives: hurt

93. “No need to explain, I got it”

A pattern that has been prominent within me is when having to go through things twice in order to ‘get them.’ It is an button pushed for my ego when I believe that I am  able to ‘get things’ with one single explanation, and reacts when being ‘misunderstood’ in terms of me explaining something that in my mind makes sense while taking a another point into consideration – however because of my rush to explain, I do not take the time to give a proper context and as such, I end up getting pissed off because of ‘being misunderstood,’ without first realizing how in my rush to explain things, I did not say things specifically – hence beings cannot ‘guess’ what the hell I’m talking about and in that, friction/ conflict is created as in my mind. I blame the person for misunderstanding while I believe that ‘I know better/ I know that I got it, they just don’t get  what I get’ lol – and as such just become this self-inflated knowledgeable ego that becomes rather nasty to the point of shutting someone off for being too repetitive when explaining themselves – ‘No need to explain, I get it’ is the backchat that covers up the: ‘I know I am right, I know I understand me, I don’t require to understand you in equality’ – which is fucked up to say the least – this is a realization, not a judgment point.

 

So, this is also coming from the ego that believes ‘I don’t require any help to understand’ as if I had it all perfectly figured out in my  mind, which is obviously ego as well.

 

And it is because of this ‘rush’ and general almost like anxiety to get past things that I dropped out of courses, for example, to learn another language just because I would see everyone else as ‘too slow’ – hence the course being ‘too repetitive for my taste’ because of being redundant about points that in my mind, we could have already gotten. Within this character, I became an island as I was unable to work in team effectively, which is a point that I have been re-learning since I have been walking with/ participating with/as Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react the moment that I envision myself having to go through something ‘once again’ which is a reaction that I have created based on my desire to get things done ‘asap,’ which comes along with an experience of anxiety and general rush wherein because of not wanting to ‘wait,’ I want to get things done ‘in one go’ as in only listening/ reading/ doing something only once and as such, be able to ‘advance’ and go further, faster – thus

I realize that this emerged when I was in school and I would always finish everything first/ faster than the class and would thus get a nice feeling as in ‘being very fast’ meaning a positive experience such as having‘extra time’ to just wander around while others worked, which is a sense of superiority that I would recognize as something special and great within me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself as superior within the idea, belief and perception that I am ‘fast and accurate’ wherein while being in class/ learning something and having to go through it more than once to ‘get it,’ I would react in exasperation and irritation because within my mind this would mean ‘retroceding’ and ‘wasting time’ – believing that I could have just instead  ‘go to the next level/ the next point’ which indicates the usual ‘racing/ competition’ programming that I would play-out throughout my life when it comes to knowledge and information within the schooling system.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within my mind hold the backchat ‘I am able to ‘get things’ with one single explanation,’ which is a ego treat as a form of pride because of apparently having this super-ability to understand, and it all making ‘perfect sense’ within my mind. However when I communicate my understanding toward another and not being accurately explaining the point and the other person gets the idea/belief that ‘I didn’t get it,’ I go into frustration because of me not wanting Them to believe that ‘I didn’t understand what they were teaching/ showing me’ – and so it is a reaction in the form of  ‘not wanting to be seen as ‘me not getting it’ because in my mind ‘I did get it’ –thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then go into blaming the being that gave an explanation that I considered as ‘very clear’ initially, but when the clarification/ second explanation comes after the feedback I have given in relation to ‘what I understood’ – I take it personal within the belief of me having been misinterpreted and thinking that ‘they believe I didn’t get it, when in my mind ‘I did’ which is an entire unnecessary egotistical cycle to go through to try and defend my ego/ my position/ the idea of myself as ‘always understanding everything properly’ -which has been a constant aspect in my secret mind, wherein I think or believe that ‘I am understanding everything that is being said’ somehow, without realizing that this is my mind attempting and trying to ‘always be right’ and ‘always get it right away.’

 

When and as I see myself reading through explanations, hearing information and making up my mind quickly as to assess that ‘I got it,’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that my relationship with knowledge has been that of an added value to ‘who I am’ wherein I believed myself to be able to understand ‘more’ than others and a such, when getting a second explanation on a point, is then received with a judgment toward such person believing that ‘I didn’t get it’ which I have judged as me not wanting to seem like stupid or retarded because of thinking that ‘now I, at the eyes of others, apparently ‘didn’t get it’ which I see is  the point that ‘really bothered me’ as in me being judged by others as ‘not getting it,’ which is the essence of defending ‘who I am’ as knowledgeable ego –thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get irritated, frustrated and angry when I believe that people believe that ‘I didn’t get it’ because that means that I am now ‘less than’ others at their eyes and that I have then ‘not gotten it’ from the get-to/beginning, which is as if I was being measured by my ability to understand the fastest/ quickest/ most accurate way at all times, wherein the conflict then comes when going through the second explanation and already existing in a precondition/default self-belief/ experience of taking it personal wherein I believe that ‘this is being said/explained again because of ‘me not getting it,’ and as such in an absurd way take the blame and judgment as if I had ‘failed’ to understand in one go – wherein in my mind, I still try and make up excuses as to ‘why I did get it,’ wherein I then want to simply clarify myself to others as to defend my posture/my ego that ‘I always get it,  you misunderstood me’

 

Thus I see and realize that I can only experience a conflict within me when the idea of who I am as the ability to understand something in ‘one go’ is questioned and exposed, wherein I then judge me for not communicating properly, I judge the being for ‘misunderstanding me’ and I judge then the entire second explanation because of believing that going through something ‘twice’ makes me ‘slower’ and ‘unintelligent,’ which is the personality that is attacked when having to go through something twice in order to get it.

 

I realize that any point of inner conflict stems from wanting to guard a specific personality/ self interest that has been deeply rooted within me as ‘intelligence’ and ‘being able to get things right away’ wherein it is through me talking myself into ‘I got it, it’s very clear, no need to explain more’ as a backchat and then having to go through a second explanation, to me is a ‘punch to the ego’ that would want to simply go through the points as fast as possible because ‘I am able to get it in one go,’ which is a knowledgeable egotistical trap of me wherein sometimes I would even ‘swallow’/ignore my own understanding gaps and believing that I could figure it out later as we go, wherein because of this rush to get things done as fast as possible, within the rush of wanting to ‘advance’/take advantage in something and ‘get it all done,’ I miss the actual learning and integration of knowledge and information process in practical terms, wherein I realize that the backchat of ‘I got it’ is only a way to satisfy the same ego pattern of ‘I am able to understand things with one single explanation, ’ which in itself is not something that ‘is not possible’ but it is the entire background that is implied within me speaking/thinking such words as the result of a  lifetime of experiences based on ‘getting things fast and with just one explanation,’ which is not true at all and it’s a self-belief that I have taken on as pride and as an automated response in my mind.

 

Thus, when and as I see myself believing that I do not require a ‘second explanation’ and that the person got it all wrong with me not getting it, I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to listen again/ read again being here, breathing, without trying to understand in my mind and having it all ‘sorted out’ in one go, which is ego and most likely pointing out to a timeloop that I am able to stop if walking with/ as patience, realizing that there is No Race to win, nothing to attain by wanting to ‘go fast’ through knowledge and information, as I see and realize that knowledge and information is Useless if not lived, applied, walked in actual physical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then secretly blame and even ‘diss’ in my mind another for giving me a second explanation to something that ‘in my mind’ I have apparently understood to the T, wherein I take the second explanation as a blow to my ego because I apparently have been misunderstood as in ‘not getting it,’ which is actually also stemming from me wanting to answer things fast without giving proper and detailed context of what it is that I have understood – and this is also linked to the ‘fast and accurate’ personality that I have cultivated from the very first years of schooling, wherein this ‘fast and accurate’ ways of doing things became a ‘prop’ for my development in school, in comparison to others – hence I see and realize that superiority/ desire to be special is ingrained within ‘wanting to do things fast and accurate all the time’ – which is a multi-layered point in relation to knowledge and information.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to give fast answers as to what I understood I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can take my time to write out myself and communicate effectively in detail what I have understood, what is in context of what I have understood in order to ensure that I am not providing only ‘one-liner feedbacks’ but actually take the space and time to explain myself sufficiently to enable an effective communication / mutual understanding of a point.

 

I realize that this rush to answer as fast as possible is linked to schooling activities wherein you have answer questions by the teacher and the first one that raises their hand, ‘wins’ to give the answer, which is how knowledge and information becomes a competition game instead of an actual step by step, moment by moment learning process.

 

I see and realize that the rush linked to learning is then stemming from having lived knowledge and information as a point to compete with/ as in relation to others. Therefore I ensure that when and as I am here reading, hearing, watching something that I am learning from – including my own writing – I assist and support myself to slow down, take the necessary time to go through it, to ensure I am covering the points that I see are relevant to communicate myself effectively as I realize that there is no need to ‘rush’ to get somewhere else.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to almost ‘get offended’ whenever someone believes/ perceives that ‘I didn’t get it,’ because at my eyes and in my mind ‘I always get it right/ I always get it with one single explanation’ which is me existing in the mind from the starting point of being ‘in a race’ wherein I am used to always ‘being first’ and always ‘winning’ in contrast and in comparison to others – which is a mechanism I have used in order to place myself as ‘superior’ intellectually, nothing else but an egotistical treat to make of knowledge and information as something that makes me ‘more’ than myself here as the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I know better/ I know that I got it, they just don’t get what I get’ wherein I try to always make myself as ‘better than’ and ‘right’ at all times, because accepting the fact that I did not in reality understand the whole thing in one go is a ‘no-no’ to my ego as the mind – thus I realize that

 

When and as I see myself going into the backchat of ‘I know better/ I know that I got it, they just don’t get what I get’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a validation, justification for my self-belief as always ‘being right’ in everything I do/ say/ think and understand, – In that moment I stop and actually hear what another is explaining/ saying unconditionally without assessing it based on a past moment of me ‘having gotten it and now having to go through it again,’ and instead walk through the point in the moment as a ‘new moment’ in every breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘: ‘I know I am right, I know I understand me, I don’t require your second hand explanation’ wherein I am in fact lashing out to another being the fact that I have been ‘bothered’ by having to go through something twice to get it, which is the knowledge system demon that believes it is always ‘getting it’ with just one single explanation, considering that I am diminished if having to go through something twice – thus I see and realize that within this

 

When and as I see myself going into the backchat of : ‘I know I am right, I know I understand me, I don’t require your second hand explanation’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am validating and making an excuse for me to not hear unconditionally another, but act from memory based on the value I have given to that past moment of me ‘getting it’ right away and as such, realizing that I can only judge if I have something to defend within me, which is the knowledgeable-ego character seeking to remain in the self-belief of ‘always being right/ always getting it right’ in order to remain as superior. Thus I stop participating in all backchat that goes confirming or denying my ability to understand.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having considered that I was ‘special’ because of being able to understand things ‘right away,’ which became an ingrained ego point in relation to others, wherein I then stand as this secretly self-belief superior shit compared to others, without realizing that knowledge will never be life and as such, no matter how much I engulf as knowledge, it cannot possibly make myself more than others – I stop racing against myself/ others as knowledge and information.

 

When and as I see myself going into the backchat ‘No need to explain more, I get it’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am in fact avoiding having to ‘go through it twice’ based on the memories and experiences of the I am always right’ ego point. Thus I allow myself to hear the explanation as I realize in practicality that going through things more than once assures and ensures that I do understand/ confirm what I have understood and as such, ensure no gaps are left open within a point of communication and learning process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘I don’t require any help to understand’ which is in fact ego trying to make myself ‘capable enough’ to do it by myself/ on my own, this being the pillar of the ‘I work better alone/ I am capable enough’ as a defense mechanism when I perceive that another offering support is directly implying that ‘I do not get it’ or that ‘I have problems with understanding properly,’ which is the point of ego that I react that I see and realize comes from caring how others perceive in relation to being a ‘knowledgeable person.’

 

When and as I see myself judging another for explaining to me something twice/ being redundant, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me reacting from the knowledgeable character – an that it is a matter of ensuring that we are all ‘on the same page’ understanding all points, and that this i in no way implying that we are stupid or ‘do not get it,’ but is simply a way to walk each point with proper context and understanding

 

I commit myself to stop thinking that ‘I get it’ and instead walk the understanding through practically placing it into application.

 

I commit myself to slow down when learning/ walking through knowledge and information to ensure that I am understanding point by point and not jumping into conclusions that point out ‘I am right/ I got it right away’ immediately.

 

“I commit myself to show, that ‘fear of change’ – cannot exist within and as the full absolute trust and standing of who self is within the principle of and as what’s best for all/equality and oneness in an equal and one within and without living of ‘who I am’. Where self is the TRUST that stand here with and as self, and will within this – assess all knowledge and information within the starting-point of what is/will be best for all, and so for self; assessing knowledge and information with regards to how it can contribute to the life of all as with mine. And so, thus, where ‘fear of change’ and resistance to ‘new knowledge and information’ can only exist when/as we have a solidified/cemented character/personality within our Minds, that serves ONLY ourselves within particular-specific wants, needs and desires. And so will essentially only meet with new knowledge and information in fear of change/resistance, when there is in fact a hidden/secret want, need and desire within and behind that Character/Personality self is protecting/defending that serve only self’s interests.” – Sunette Spies +

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Be-Lame

“It’s all your fault!”  How many times have we been ‘impressed’ by these words and taken them personally, creating an experience that runs through our body as a mix of fear, guilt, shame, embarrassment eventually resulting in us feeling like ‘shit,’ because it is apparently ‘our fault’ and now we are the scum of the Earth because: we fucked up.

Hearing these words directed toward myself was something quite common when I was a child – I would be automatically pointed at for anything that would go wrong in my house. Sometimes I had actually been the one that caused something to break or be ‘in disorder’ because of my own negligence/ laziness, some other times it was just ‘out of habit’ that anything wrong would be then ‘my fault’ and questions would not be asked, but only fingers  would point at me; I would then try and defend myself, usually sobbing and already in that ‘victimized’ state saying ‘it wasn’t me,’ but it’s as if any form of credibility had been lost from a series of events where I had been the actual ‘cause’ which is how then one builds a certain ‘reputation’ that can work for either one’s curse throughout life or benefit. I’ve experienced it both ways – for now I’ll debunk the first one.

 

I can see myself as this pattern of being blamed for shit hitting the fan and getting this constant ‘nagging’ about things that I had to do and I wouldn’t do, being quite a ‘disorderly’ person, very lazy and with a great inertia as a resistance to not move if I didn’t have to. I was the type of person that would get from school, eat, go upstairs and plug myself to watch ( M)TV the whole time, this includes the time while I would do my homework – I would only be rather ‘responsible’ and turn it off for proper concentration when studying for exams. I never had any problems with this because I did ‘well’ in school, so my parents probably thought I was some type of lucky person for being able to be responsible and get excellent grades even when spending long hours watching TV.  I became very sedentary, only caring to be in front of the TV and getting more and more sucked into being entertained or rather ‘stimulated’ the whole time. This is just a ‘background’ perspective on how I could be quite careless within my reality which is what lead me to neglect doing tasks and having my world in order; this is how I would get constantly ‘nagged’ for not being an orderly person, not taking care of my stuff and within that,  ‘being blamed for’ things because I was the only one that was such a ‘disaster’ at home.

It is now that I realize how what others say about us might influence us in deeper ways than we are able to notice in that moment. I can see as I write about ‘being blamed’ for shit happening around in my reality, that I ended up believing myself to actually be the cause for shit happening in my world. And I am only now seeing these old memories of how much I took it all personal and how I would write/ speak to myself that ‘I wasn’t loved’ in my family and that ‘I bet they would all be happier if I wasn’t part of the family’ – these thoughts would come up within an entire attire of self-victimization experiencing sadness and belittling myself/ feeling sorry about myself.  I would usually leave the dinner table whenever I was told something along the lines of ‘you caused this shit.’ Parents and sisters would sometimes direct heavy words towards me – or each other for that matter – and I can speak for myself how I would take them deeply seriously and never considered at all that they were only speaking about themselves and only using anyone as an ‘outlet’ for their own personal problems, anger and frustration.

By ‘heavy words’ I mean offenses, cursing that would come out with great ease such as from my father’s mouth. I would only resort to cry because that’s all I knew at that time, feeling bad about what he had said about me in that moment of anger for whatever cause it was, and eventually having my mother coming up to me and explaining that he was just in a bad mood and that he really ‘didn’t mean it.’ And it was indeed just him exerting his own emotions on to anyone else, which is one of the patterns I’ve shared here before in terms of blaming others about stuff that is only a way to not face our own responsibility, which I have also played out to a great extent throughout my life.  Thus, I have realized how this was never actually ‘about me’ but about each person directing their anger on to each other. It’s very clear here how a lot of shit can fly around within the context of a ‘family’ because it is a group of beings facing each one’s programming in different shades – hence the ‘confrontation’ with oneself is more clear and direct, spiced up by the notorious different personalities that ‘mask’ the differentiation that exist at the core level of DNA.

 

When taking such words and scolding as ‘real’ and within me defining myself as being very sensitive to people’s words, I would always take it personally and within this, drown myself into a deep grudge toward the person until I realized how it all worked by me holding that memory of ‘being offended’ and link it to the person, which became quite obvious when after several days I would have to ‘recall’ that I was ‘mad at this person for having said this/ that about me.’  I would mostly then ‘forgive’ in a way that I would be able to talk to that family member/ person again.  Similar situations to the one I explained about my father also happened with my mother and sisters – within this, all I created of and for myself was a nice suit of victimization wherein my mother would sometimes point out how I was making a ‘big deal out of it,’ but I would mostly only argue for my limitations because in a way, I wanted them to ‘feel bad’ for having ‘made me feel bad’ and in that, we can see how this coming and going create endless drama, retaliation, desire for ‘vengeance’ that would turn into grudge-scabs that we would tear off from time to time to bring the memory up again and use it as a way to manipulate and have an effect on another.

This is absolutely unnecessary as we now can see – yet this becomes even at a human-culture level ‘how things work’ in the family. It has become such a cliché that we cannot conceive a family that could live in equal ways wherein there was ‘no shit flying around.’ As human beings we have accepted these ‘fucked up’ relationships in our very own house and from this, manifest this entire world as it is: a world/system of retaliation, seeking vengeance, holding grudges, calling names, wanting others to ‘feel’ what they have ‘done onto us,’ seeking ‘to be the favorite one,’ comparing ourselves to each other, finding our ‘place’ in some form/role in the family wherein we can only support our own ‘life experience’ as something real, as ‘who we are’ which is obviously not based in common sense and an actual integration as part of an entire society, but remain living within/as that survival mechanism.

We become ‘who we are’ in this nest that we call ‘home’ and from there, we accept this role and carry it as ourselves throughout or lives. We accept and allow ourselves to remain in that same shape and mold that we create mostly through our early years in this world. And it is within that very first relationship with our parents and how our parents ‘treat us’ that we will then walk through the world believing it is ‘who we are,’ simply because we had not been able to realize and understand that it was never about ‘us’ in fact,  but it was always about them creating this relationship toward ‘ourselves’ as their children which was only them playing out their own relationship toward themselves in their own mind. Fascinating stuff however, we didn’t know  about this until now.

I became aware of how it was even ‘cool’ to have and almost cherish this something I could ‘brag about’ toward my parents, it was a way of having the power to blackmail them for ever having ‘hurt me’ in such a way, which is obviously unacceptable. Yet, this type of patterns are played out by many, many human beings in their personal relationships; this is very common in marriages for example, where it becomes a dog eat dog type of relationship wherein people bring up memories and each others shit and throw it at each other without ever being able to see the harm that they are inflicting not only to themselves as a couple, but kids if they have any in such ‘family’ scenario. It is truly unacceptable, and this brings up the title of one six feet under episode: ‘Terror starts at home’ which is true as this is the first ‘entry’ we have of the world in our mind – we will accordingly walk into this world within/as the shape that we acquire within the family nucleus and often remain like that for an entire lifetime, without realizing that who really am  as life, as one and equal has nothing to do with the role I got to play as a child at home, who I am is not the character that would get easily offended or ‘hurt’ by  words that any family member  used to deprecate myself in anyway,  as now I see and realize it was never about ‘me’ but themselves all the time.

This is how it is ludicrous to continue accepting and holding this image of ourselves as ‘who we are’ because it was simply an entire personality created and shaped according to the conditions that we were born into, which as we know, are not based on ‘what’s best for all’ but only according to the rules of a fucked up system that we have accepted and allowed without any question before. Carrying ourselves as self-limited boxes of memories as ‘who we are’ and bringing up all of these reasons as to ‘why we are the way we are’ is only another excuse to not dare to step out of the victimization role and take self responsibility. It was almost ‘painful’ having to see that I had lived as a victim asking ‘why’ all the time instead of asking ‘how’ I had accepted and allowed the entire situation in life, how it is not only about ‘me’ but about walking an entire program wherein no self-awareness was existent – I mean, Self Forgiveness here is really forgiving ourselves for merely playing out roles that were solely programmed to cause conflict and separation within our lives, never being able to self-forgive because some other form of ‘intermediary’ was then created/ sought which is how God probably came into the play = another form to avoid confronting the reality that we had created between ourselves.

No matter what ‘intensity’ of it, any form of name-calling, point-finger done in absolute self-indulgence creates consequences that reverberate throughout a being’s life without it being even ‘noticeable’ by the person as it becomes just part of the self-definition that we take on because: that is all we know. This is how it is vital that as parents, human beings are able to understand how each and every single word uttered toward their kids will have a direct influence within their lives because of their receptive condition to accept what they are taught as ‘how things are.’  It is thus unacceptable to continue disregarding the fact that anyone that wants to be/ become a parent must first walk a process of self-responsibility in Self Honesty to ensure that none of our personal bs as a preprogrammed limited consciousness systems is passed on toward a child that walks into this world in such an innocent manner, wherein anything that ‘father’ or ‘mother’ says becomes ‘the law’ and ‘how things are’ without ever questioning – or even having the ability to question – why it is that we are accepting and allowing ourselves to diminish ourselves by words/ thoughts that others may utter toward ourselves?

In my experience I saw how I took on such words as ‘who I am’ and no matter how I would see myself not being ‘stupid’ or a ‘dumbass,’ I would use such memories of others  saying that to me so that I could go back to ‘feeling bad’ about myself and within this, justify my separation and general segregation from the rest of my family. That’s how I justified myself ‘not belonging to that family’ and creating this general ‘silent’ grudge toward them all because of me believing all the words they would say. As a child I sometimes got to speak about this with my mother, and she would say exactly the same, how such words were only coming from their own anger and self experience, that they weren’t about ‘me’ per se, but still I decided that the whole thing was very real and I would rather choose to be sensitive about it because I thought that my mother was only trying to ‘make it all look better’ than what it was – meaning, trying to excuse my sisters/ father or herself for the words that were said. In that moment I decided to ‘not buy it,’ instead I lived out this separation that I  justified with creating an entire personality suit that I’ve deemed as the ‘black sheep in the family,’ just walking a road that I designed in opposite direction to the one I saw my sisters were taking on, just because of not wanting to be ‘predictable’ and following their entire set of preferences and lifestyle.

This was a deliberate point of self-manipulation as well so that I would not have to actually face myself within the family system, but instead build myself a comfortable niche to be the ‘odd one’ and thus have a ‘place’ within that ‘oddity’ so to speak. Once I got to understand this, I then went into a polarity of being ‘unbreakable’ so to speak but not through an actual understanding of such beings speaking only about their own limitations, but in a form of defense mechanism wherein reactions would still come up without working with them, it was only a façade and in that, I wasn’t actually working with stopping my reactions. I didn’t know of Self Forgiveness so I simply did my best to ‘cope with the world’ without ever really looking at my reactions and how I was only shoving them away while pretending ‘nothing could hurt me now’ which is something I’ve shared before in the hard and soft veneers blog. I see that’s how I saw ‘being/ becoming an artist’ quite a cool and acceptable role within society, being ‘eccentric’ yet part of the ‘whole’ in a distinctive manner.

Now that I see, my ‘choices’ in life were then stemming from this entire personality development: from the victim, to the rebel to self-righteousness that I exerted as my career choice, the type of friends/ relationships I had, the type of life I dreamed of having, the type of music I would listen, the clothes I wear, the interests, morality, values – all of it was then specifically designed/ chosen by myself having this starting point of almost creating an unconscious retaliation toward my family/ the family system I was born into.

I had ‘seen’ this before through this process and writing this out, how I had only played out that odd-polarity that was sticking out within the family pattern – however, I had not seen how it had all begun from these early experiences of ‘being hurt’ by others’ words such as ‘being blamed for everything that went wrong’ and within this, belittling myself, wanting to just ‘leave home’ in my mind because I thought that I was not ‘loved’ there and that I was only like this undesired child that had come to interrupt their happy-family life. I mean, I am writing the thoughts as I am recalling them, I think I even wrote this out when I was quite young when I would use writings as a catalyzer to cry and feeling sorry about myself, as a con.firmation of ‘the world being a fuckup/ mean place to live in’ and within this, believing that the only way to coexist in it was through not participating in the same ‘game’ that I would see the entire family and then ‘society’ was playing out, never realizing how the personality that I developed as myself was in fact absolutely defined and created in-opposition to my family. It’s just like an atheist that is still defining himself/herself according to the Non-existence of a god – and within this obviously still confirming the existence of a god as a concept – and curiously enough – belief in itself.

So,  now we are aware of how within this system, every word that anyone may speak toward another is actually about themselves. Now, it’s not to be self-dishonest and then talk about light and love and flowers to others because of wanting  you to see yourself/ portray yourself in such a nice way, which is how a lot of people is currently ‘functioning’ at a mind level. Talking yourself into positivity is certainly Not the way to walk Self Honesty. It is about becoming aware of every judgment that we may create toward something/ someone, and instead of believing that to be ‘actually so,’ we take it back to self and see where and how we are existing as such judgment toward ourselves. This has been one of the key points I’ve learned through Desteni, wherein we take Self Responsibility for everything we do and say because we understand that we cannot ‘affect’ another but ourselves in any way, so this is how walking oneness and equality practically becomes a point that we then ‘keep in mind’ to always take a moment to ‘watch our words’ for the sake of being aware that what we think/ communicate actually support what is best for all, and not only come out as preprogrammed babble that reinforces some type of mental limitation and judgment that has no-place to be here in Self Honesty.

I am able to write about it and see it for what it is, there are no strings attached toward my parents or sisters on this topic as I now understand how this process o projecting blame and one’s frustration and anger onto others was a common thing without the ‘scolded’ one ever knowing that it was never about ‘me’/ ‘them’ but the person themselves. This is how we see things ‘for what they are’ and break the links/ chains that we tend to create the moment we link experiences and hold those experiences as ‘who we are’ without ever questioning them.

Within taking Self Responsibility for each word we think, speak and how we interact toward each others, we are able to stop all the unnecessary conflict that is created when we become just blabbering fools arguing for our own limitations and experiences without realizing that anything we say or do is revealing nothing else but who we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.

Time to stop blaming others or being-lame ourselves for buying into words that do not support who we really are. By breaking that retaliation toward ourselves as our mind and toward others in our world, we will stop the current war we are all living in this world.


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