Day 1 – Clearing Starting Point: Writing

 

We are beginning a phase in our process wherein we will be writing ourselves to freedom, writing ourselves to give structure to our every day living throughout 7 years. Sounds like a commitment? It is, it is the type of commitment that we have never actually given to ourselves in our lives- until now.

This is part of the process that I’ll walk and that I’ve defined ‘Sculpting in time’ within the concept of becoming a real artist, an artist as a human being that recognizes our full ability and capability to transform society by each individual ‘sculpting’/ molding themselves to be the change that we all see is required to be made here. And that begins with ourselves, here, a group standing up for Life in Equality as a Living Principle that ensures that we all eventually, are able to be equally standing here – yet, for now, we must stand as a forefront and do what’s necessary to be done in order to pave the way for the future generations to come.

 

In the past I had used writing to build and create my personalities, all written in the most hermetic way so that I could not even grasp what I was trying to say and ‘hide’ behind my own words, all done for the purpose of not having anyone understanding or even being able to decipher my own writing. I only ended up spiting myself in that – so, part of the writing point will have to be walked physically wherein I develop a writing that is ‘more readable’ as well.

However, when realizing the initial point: why I had not allowed and directed me to write every day was because of ‘fear of commitment’ to creating a pattern, regardless of how supportive I’ve seen it is – and this is also in relation to ‘how it would be seen by others’ if I publish a blog every day – ideas about past patterns that I’ve lived, a ‘fear’ of being seen as ideals that I haven’t allowed myself to face as an actual possibility within myself.

 

For the past 2 years, I’ve walked the point – slowly but surely – of establishing a point of self-acceptance and also related to ‘perfection’ which I clarified in relation to how I had lived ‘perfectionism’ and the connotations lived throughout my life.

 

Now, it is today, this moment that I listened to a must-hear interview of Self-Support for this existential process we’re walking, by Anu of course, on walking the point of Self-Perfection to stand as an example for humanity. This is the day that it begins with writing, and I realized that I already ‘knew’ I could do this, however I allowed certain factors to tamper my ability to expand, even though the point of writing is already a daily point within my life –regardless of being writing a ‘blog’ specifically, I must be writing somewhere, exerting a comment, a post, giving a perspective that is certainly the way that I have allowed myself to verify ‘I am here, I am walking, I see, I understand, I align myself and support others the best way that I am able to.’

However, these points are here, revealing themselves now as I will walk through Self-Forgiveness, along with various other points related to patterns I’ve lived ‘as myself’ in relation to this point of ‘being an example’ and having people ‘taking myself as an example,’ which brings up necessary experiences to clarify, as the starting point of my writing, which must be understood as Self-Support – self- for myself as one and equal which then includes and implies for all equal and one.

 

I am ready? I remembered Bernard asking me this, and I replied with something like: as ready as I’ll ever be – meaning there is no ‘doubt’ to take here, we either do this here as this great opportunity we have to live, or we’ll just degrade ourselves into what we are already existing as, which is not nice, not pretty and must be stopped.

This time, I won’t allow any external perceptions to limit myself here – I have diminished myself throughout my life on purpose in fear of being ‘outstanding’ – yet as Anu said, this is not about ‘fame’ or ‘recognition’ – not at all, it is about Self-Here walking to live to our utmost potential, realizing our full abilities and capabilities. I stop my deliberate sabotage in fear of being ‘too out there.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to not take the habit and self-supportive pattern of writing every day in fear of committing myself to live a point that I would have to ‘live’ as myself, invariably so, every single day– instead of realizing that within this, I limited myself within the ability to expand myself, my process and self-support through making of writing a daily habit wherein I am giving myself a structure to live, to direct myself within my every day living and interactions, wherein I see that there are corrections to be lived – not only as ‘myself’ but as a whole, as we are here to eventually walk a process that involves us all.

I realize that the reason why I didn’t commit myself before, is because of fear of ‘not being able to keep up with my commitment’ – yet, I see that I am the only one that can ‘trap’ myself within my own sabotage for whatever reason and excuse I could find to not write.

When and as I see myself believing that ‘I cannot keep up with my commitment to write every day’ – I stop, and I breathe – I realize that I am mostly creating an ‘ideal’ of writing as ‘having to write every day,’ instead of integrating this as an every-day application, similar to breathing as words, wherein I realize that I am giving myself structure to live – words are here to support ourselves to live, and no longer be used to formulate excuses and justifications as to why we ‘give up’ our ability to expand, express and give ourselves practical support through writing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having limited my ‘intention’ to write every day, in fear of ‘putting up pressure on others’ and within that, allowing myself to ‘back down’ out of fear of how it would be ‘seen by others if I wrote every day’ – which is ludicrous that I accepted my own mediocrity as an ‘acceptable way’ for the sake of how it would be ‘seen by others.’

I realize that this is a pattern that I have lived throughout my life, fear of ‘outstanding’ yet desiring it at the same time – however living the latter as a ‘reversed personality’ that I built for myself, and that I have realized exists as the very manifestation of what my current handwriting is, which I will also be walking in order to clarify the reason why I created such a crooked handwriting as a way to spite myself and ‘others’ from perceiving myself as ‘miss perfection.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared being ‘in the spotlight’ in the past, wherein I deliberately physically hunched, looked down and tried to be as ‘less seen as possible’ because of not anting to take the forefront within my reality in any given moment or activity. I realize that the only fear that exists within this is actually me being able to ‘keep up with my stance in the forefront’ – yet I realize that this is not about ‘leading the way’ but standing as a single principle that is in itself, an example of what must be done as existence, as this reality and for that, there can be no more and no less.

I realize that all the perceptions that I projected onto others have been actually my own fears and desires of recognition and wanting to be a wallflower at the same time.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever having feared being seen as ‘conceited’ or ‘showing off’ by actually working and living as the ability and capability that I realize I am able to live as – I see that I have only limited myself out of ‘what others would say’ without seeing the obvious fact that this only exits within my own mind as limitations to Not take the actual necessary steps to clarify for myself that: such thoughts are only judgments that are Not and cannot ever be real, as all that exists here, is equal and one. There can be no ‘more’ or ‘less’ but just inflated egos and diminished ideas of self, both poles must be stopped in order to establish Self within a directive principle as what’s best for all which is: not good, not bad, not more, no less than who and what we really are as One and Equal as Life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having deliberately diminished myself and belittled myself in order to ‘get the necessary approval’ to give myself enough ‘trust’ that I am in fact ‘trust worthy’ to this process. I realize that all of these points of recognition and seeking approval stemmed from a actual fear of standing as an example, fear of being ‘conceited’ which is a point that I will be walking here, to make sure that  the words I direct, the starting point of my actions is in fact considering what’s best for all – walking the process of integrating this principle as a written process wherein I assess where and how I require to re-consider myself, my application, see ‘who I am’ within any given moment, to reintegrate myself to all points that I have separated myself from.

 

I realize that all the patterns, fears, judgments, deliberate self-sabotage that I created for myself toward the point of ‘self-perfection’ and ‘standing as example’ have been but Ideals based on a system of values/ worth in separation of Life. I realize that the way to walk here is within humbleness, wherein I ground myself as the Earth that keeps me breathing, because otherwise, I lose myself up there in the mind, believing myself to be ‘something’ instead of actually living it and seeing the consequences that it manifest.

 

I realize that living words entails responsibility, and this is not to be taken lightly. I realize that any given moment that I see ‘fear’ arising with regards to taking responsibility for myself, and others eventually – I stop and I breathe. I realize that at this moment, I focus on myself wherein I establish self-trust and allow myself to be the director of my every day living, my every day moment wherein I stop any experience wherein I am being taken for a ride by my own participation within my mind in a useless and unnecessary thought pattern or experience that ‘diminishes’ my ability to stand as a living principle and example.

 

Within this process  – and more specifically the last 2 years, I have been more directive within myself to get to a point of comfort within taking a fore-front, which implies walking a process of self-forgiveness in relation to all the ideas, beliefs and perceptions as a  constant battle I lived toward ‘authority’ – and taking that point of self-authority as an actual direction to build self-trust as the application of myself throughout this process, self-acceptance which I have recently clarified in order to give it a more substantial realization of self-acceptance as the physical – and, last but not at least, liberation.

 

What we are doing within writing, is giving us structure to finally ‘free ourselves from the cages of the past.’ And I am here to take the point of rattling the cages of the caged, beginning with myself, letting go unconditionally of any limitation of how I will be perceived and fearing ‘not keeping up with myself,’ which can only exist as a future projection of the nature of self-sabotage which is not acceptable because I see, I realize and understand how the only point that can limit myself is a thought that I am able to stop participating in, from the very moment that I can spot myself facing a resistance.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance to write within the ‘ideal’ of requiring ‘substantial time to write’ in order to create an ‘acceptable blog’ – which are just standards that I have created within my mind, instead of realizing that the moment that I write myself, here, being fully attentive and developing my writing as myself – day to day – I am walking the structure and direction in the moment. There is no way I can create an ‘ideal’ of something that must be and can only be walked in every moment while doing it. 

 

Words are the key to how we create this reality. Within establishing words as ourselves within a self-equality and oneness principle, we are able to in fact place the very foundation upon which we will eventually walk this process to equalize ourselves as Life. Not to be taken lightly, and I can say for myself that, after these years there is not much of a fear toward this. It has taken me time, definitely – so, this is just to share how it IS possible to go from an absolute fear to ‘stand up’ and ‘be in the front’ into an Actual Self-Acceptance which implies Not allowing anything less than who I really am Here – as Life, as One and Equal.

 

When and as I see myself diminishing myself and believing that ‘I must step aside because I cannot keep up’ – I stop and I breathe, I realize that this pattern can only stem from me existing as a point of comparison and competition which is not the way to walk this process. This is about me, here, establishing a point of discipline, consistency and amalgamation of words as myself as an actual tool of self-creation.

I see and realize that, what’s best for all, is and will always be that which must remain as a living condition for each one of us living in this world. This is how common sense throughout this process will be integrated as a living-understanding of what in fact means to ‘write ourselves to freedom,’ as a consistent application of what we are aware we are able to live-as individuals, to finally free ourselves from fears, limitations and perceptions toward ourselves and each other, and equalize ourselves to a living-principle that we all can live as equals.

 

I invite you to do the same – no thoughts on ‘how it must be done’ – this is Your Process, this is My Process, this is Our Process and within this, there is and cannot be any ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ as, within writing from the starting point of developing common sense and establishing Self-Honesty, we can only learn how to correct ourselves As we walk our writings. This is a continued application – yet reinforced to be lived as a daily-action, a daily participation to infiltrate the web with common sense and Self-Forgiveness, which is truly the only way that we are in fact able to unlock ourselves from our self-created cages.

And, I’m grateful for everyone that is equally walking this process-  no matter where in the world you are, we are all together here as a group that stands up for Life, for that which Matters in this world,  a world wherein no common-sense has been lived as a principle. We are here to walk it, and establish and get comfortable with it, get comfortable with wording ourselves to freedom as that’s a human responsibility that must not be taken for granted.

This is our one and only chance to do this. As I heard from the lead singer of Refused last night: This is Not a Rehearsal, this is IT.

No more fun and games – no more fucking around.

Yet! that doesn’t imply that writing is not enjoyable  – the more you walk through resistance, the more it will be easier to let go of any preconceived ideas of ‘how this must be walked.’

As my nose clears up, I see that this is it for today.

 

Thanks for breathing.

 

For more info on this process, visit Desteni and the Forum 

Self Supportive Material to walk this process:

• 
  

  Nothingness — the 7 Year Process to Birthing Self as Life

• Finding your purpose in the journey to life

• Only crazy people want to change the world into a place that is best for all.

• Quantify Process – Speak Self Forgiveness OUT LOUD

• What is Effective Self Forgiveness?

• 
  

  When Self Forgiveness is Real?

Reptilians – Guidelines through the Maze of the World-System: understanding what Resistance is when writing, how to consider the commitment to this process as a lifetime responsibility within the understanding of the principle of Equality as life. A great lesson to learn how to stop fears to face this process and actually allow us to step up, within the realization that There Is No Other ‘Time’ for This – what better place than here, what better time than now. And it’s all in our hands.

 

 

Selling Yourself to the eyes of the capitalist mind

Exposing our preprogrammed-nature is part of walking this process and one of the coolest things about participating in Desteni is being able to read ourselves through others as we are all essentially copies that exist with similar patterns that we’ve defined as ‘who we are’ and only differ in ‘make up’ so to speak.

The physical judgment seems to be quite an extensive point and I’ve walked the point just as the majority of people in this world – we’ve allowed ourselves to be bound to a single idea of ‘who we are’ through the eyes of another – what a fuckup.

I can certainly remember how much stress I’d go through due to this point, due to not feeling ‘alright’ in my own skin and so because of all the self-judgment that I had accumulated through comparing myself to other girls specifically, I decided to step out of the usual cookie-cutter stereotype of ‘female’ and engaged into ‘alternative ways’ of looking to deliberately ‘not fit in’ and pretend to be ‘fine’ within that – yet in essence still creating myself as the opposite of that which I deemed as overrated, as popular, mainstream, the usual female-stereotype that I ran away from for such a long time only to then try to embrace it with even worse effects that I’ve talked about before extensively so – I share something I just read in Rebecca’s blog:

“Watch yourself; Do you tell the same stories again and again and again? Do you tell stories that “uphold” a belief you have of yourself? Are these stories really just a need for constant validation? And what does this really do?”
Dalmas, Rebecca. “Flea infestation reveals how we are in this world..” Rebeccakarlendalmas Blog (2011): Web. 29 Aug 2011. <http://rebeccakd.wordpress.com/2011/08/29/flea-infestation-reveals-how-we-are-in-this-world/>.

This is essentially what we do as human beings just tell the same stories that validate our ‘place in the world’ with our little stories that make our entire ‘lives’ apparently ‘something’ to ‘someone else’ while we didn’t even actually consider LIFE itself but only the creation of experiences that we regarded as ‘living’, as ‘being alive’ – fucked up. I can still, till this day, see how there’s this ‘desire’ to create an experience just for the sake of believing that’s ‘living’.

When I was at the farm for a year, I got quite used to living a simple kind of life wherein your life becomes that of actual living – taking care of things that make your life possible in the most practical sense. By this I mean, I had already enjoyed the usual so-called ‘chores’ of day to day living but there it was like integrated as an actual point of enjoyment – lol it may sound weird but that’s how it was, I enjoy having a cool place to live in wherein things are considerably clean and arranged in a way  where it’s cozy, wherein we could enjoy ourselves even when living with another in the same room that wasn’t ‘huge’, like space didn’t matter at all – that’s when you get to see how futile it is to place value on the outrageous demands that this system places on your face to indulge into: big houses, big cars, big bucks to have ‘big experiences in life’ – all of that is seriously something that I got to see for what it is, and one then understands how people with money seek more and more outrageous experiences for the sake of out-doing their own experiences – it’s like a drug addict that needs larger quantities every time to get the same ‘effect’.

 

Life is NOT an experience, life is NOT an ‘effect’ of something – this is only what we’ve accepted and allowed ourselves to believe through the eyes of the mind, the cravings of the system that requires energy to keep going.

 

This is certainly what’s driving us crazy at this moment and it seems impossible to stop because, in essence, stopping your mind and directing yourself implies that: stopping allowing ourselves from being these machines that require constant ‘fixes’ to continue – even indulging in a memory for the sake of mental-masturbation is a possession wherein we’re not here but telling the same stories that validate ourselves as mind-systems – nothing else.

 

Yet, because we’ve agreed for so long that life/living  is an accumulation of experiences, we’ve driven ourselves to our quest to gain some, to create some ‘living’ that is completely detached from our physical living reality. We go creating these characters of ourselves to believe that’s ‘who we are’ and people would remain ‘in character’ for the remainder of their lives. Fucked up! Glad we’re here aware of the cycles of the mind, aware of ourselves as programs that are standing up to life – yes, as blunt as it may sound that’s what we are and it is definitely possible to be patient and diligent enough to go stopping the participation in a world wherein quick-fixes as experiences that validate our existence are seen for what they are. Then it becomes more difficult to deceive ourselves and so everything is simplified, we’ve just got to accept the fact that we require to let go of the socially-acceptable ways of defining ‘living’ which is usually creating/buying experiences instead of actual physical walking breathing-living.  In the most practical terms.

 

Our physical self judgment derives from this inherent desire to appear as attractive to others and within that, diminishing ourselves to the state of being a single image that we spend our entire lifetime to make ‘acceptable’ to others, erasing ourselves as life from the entire image-equation. That is not who we are, that is but information that we receive through the I/eye of the mind which has nothing to do with the essence that’s equal and one with everyone/everything here.

That’s something that I see it’s just plain common sense yet it’s ludicrous how in our society and in our minds the point of perfect-image has become the actual credo and acceptable backchat within our minds – obviously this is Not acceptable when considering Self Honesty.

We have to stop existing as our own capitalists within our physical bodies, accumulating more and more of that which will create the picture-perfect and ideal-character for others to ‘buy it’ and essentially, seek to ‘have it’/ desire it – aren’t we just then like products selling ourselves? hmm – aren’t we only then creating us for the sake of getting the best ‘bidder’ for our own cause/ self-interest? Aren’t we just wanting to be ‘the winners’ all the time then? to be acceptable, ‘buyable’, ‘useful’ from the systematic perspective that we are existing as?

The moment I’d see this in social relationships and got to spoke about it as ‘selling yourself’ people would get offended, but it’s really how we have existed in this world, selling ourselves, selling life, selling an image, and experience and from there creating this floaty-bubble of values and worth that has nothing to do with actual-physical reality wherein acceptance, embracing ourselves, standing up within the recognition of what and who we really are has been missed which creates the requirement to stop deluding ourselves within this.

 

If you look at what ‘having money’ implies, it’s all about enhancing your abilities to have experiences, to accumulate stuff that ‘adds on’ to your ‘value’ – If everyone had an equal opportunity to experience life without having to attach money-value to it, then it certainly would become an extension of our expression instead of something that is fought for and compared with others. Though, currently seeking for such points only brings further separation, further submission to the system just for the sake of obtaining some benefits – ludicrous, man and completely unacceptable.

 

We’re here to dignify ourselves – we’ll walk in the game but won’t get ‘lost’ within it at all, we’re done with that.

 

This is the last life we live as merchandise waiting to be sold to the greatest bidder

this is the last life that I accept and allow myself to place a price tag to food so that others can’t have it

this is the last life that I accept myself to validate myself only through the eyes of other instead of first accepting me fully and completely, not only as ‘myself’ but as the entirety of this world and thus see what’s required to be done and work to be part of a solution to end all delusions.

 

We stop the bidding, we stop the selling of lies to get props within the system.

We walk as equals within this, Destonians – thanks for that –