Even when I was in a moment with ‘established’ friendships and relationships, there would always be a time wherein I just wanted to be left alone, even if I was already quiet habituated to be with them during the day, I would always hit the introverted mode wherein I would just remain quiet while backchatting about me wanting to leave home: how could I get myself out of this situation, can’t he just stop talking, if I say that I don’t want to go then Ill be seen as anti-social, he/ she will take i t personal if I don’t want to go there –I just want to go home. And then getting home was just being apparently ‘free’ again, which is just where my ‘default character’ would come up, wanting to be alone.
And this is a fantastic mechanism of the mind to keep me bound to first generation an expectation of wanting to do something/ see someone and then going to the actual experience, not getting ‘my energy’ – therefore, experiencing boredom or dissatisfaction and therefore, only seeking to be alone again, only to create further mindfucks about me being ‘incapable’ of being with others for an extended period of time, or simply having something ‘wrong’ within me that would lead me to always seek out to be alone again. All of it self created for very specific reasons and purposes that rely on self interest. Some of the main backchat on this is:
I am getting tired of this, it’s getting boring
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I think of Just being alone, no one bothering me
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I think it’s time to go home, how can I slip out of this?
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He’s trying to be entertaining, but it doesn’t work anymore |
Oh man now he’ll be sad because I’m leaving
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I’m finally free again
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Why do I repeat the same cycle over and over again?
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I always end up wanting to leave after having desired to be here
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I worry that nothing seems to satisfy me, |
What if this is ‘as good as it gets? |
Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build an expectation upon ‘wanting to see someone to have a good time’ wherein I project myself in a positive manner/’having a good time’ with another, which eventually ‘deflates’ as everything must go all the way down when participating in ideals of ‘positive experience,’ which are in essence a mindfuck created in order for me to every time believe that I had to ‘hold on’ to a particular relationship in order to always experience the ‘joy’ of seeing someone, regardless of how I would always end up experiencing the downfall/ negative once that the energy built up is used up, leaving me ‘high and dry’ which is how I realize I would go through my days: seeking an experience to be ‘more’ than the moment wherein I am here as breath, as the physical.
When and as I see myself creating an expectation upon a future moment of wanting to meet someone/ be somewhere else in order to experience myself in a positive way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that building up a positive expectation eventually meets its downfall as a negative experience. Thus I direct myself to simply be here in every moment with and as whatever point I face in my reality, wherein no good or bad projections are created, as I stick to remain here as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the thought of me being alone, laying on my bed, doing nothing, not being disturbed as the perfect ‘state of mind’ wherein I am able to keep ‘the loner’ character in place, as there is nothing or no one in it that challenges my own self-religion. Thus I see and realize how I have used this thought of ‘going home’ and ‘being alone’ as a defense mechanism whenever something is actually challenging my own personality that doesn’t want to be ‘disturbed’ at all.
When and as I see myself thinking about that image of me being alone at home, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a red-flag thought wherein I must look at where and how it is that I am wanting to escape a moment of actual self-support and transcendence of a limitation within communicating/ interacting with others.
I assist and support myself to realize the image of me ‘being alone’ as a personality fail safe that I have kept in order to ensure that I always remain within the ‘bounds’ of my own self-limitation as the characters that I have played out in relation to ‘the loner,’ which is also creating an experience of apparent ‘depression’ in order to have a way to justify my ‘instability,’ wherein I am only manipulating others to ‘accept me as I am’ which was a deliberate ‘loner’ and ‘freakishly behaved’ person that would be extremely joyful and then extremely down from one moment to the next, showing a deliberate face of dissatisfaction so that others could try and do ‘whatever they could to make me happy/ cheer me up’ again – which is absolute self manipulation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start backchatting myself desiring to leave a certain place/ someone, simply because my energetic drive to be there is no longer ‘strong enough,’ hence I realize that I start projecting myself as this discomfort in my entire physical body that transforms into a mild annoyance that I express in the totality of and as my physical body, just because I already ‘got what I wanted’ and then want to leave the person/place/ situation in order to be alone, which is wanting to go back to the ‘safe spot’ in my mind where nothing and no one disturbs me.
When and as I see myself wanting to escape a moment just because I have already gotten my ‘quick fix’ of positive experience in a certain place/ meeting with someone – I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to interact and be here in the moment without projecting myself into a future moment of just being alone, as I see and realize that this is me just following the ‘default’ setting of my apparent ‘stability’ as in ‘being alone.’ Thus I direct myself to remain here as breath in whatever moment/ situation with whomsoever I am spending a moment with. I am here as breath, I do not require to be ‘alone’ to be here in and as breath in physical stability.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an apparent ‘exhaustion’ from being with others, wherein I would go into a ‘vexed mode’ and ‘annoyed’ simply because I had built an entire future projection of my moment with them/ such person being ‘just great’/extraordinary – thus when my dream would not meet reality, I would feel disappointed and as such, creating the opposite experience was a way to get myself back to my ‘default mode’ which was creating a an ideal positive experience out of being alone – hence
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within being alone I don’t have to ‘uphold any character’ toward others, without realizing that the single character of ‘Wanting to be alone’ is my default character, which I have simply not even opened up because of believing that it was ‘perfectly normal’ for me to ‘want to be alone’ at all times, which is in fact another defense mechanism wherein I then react in every moment that I have to actually share a moment/ space with others – thus
When and as I see myself creating a polarity of positive experience and negative experience out of the ideal in my mind of what ‘being alone’ is, I stop and I breathe –I realize that I have created this default character of always wanting to be alone in order to not challenge myself to step out of my own self-limitation. Thus I assist myself to remain here as breath and stop any desire to run away from everyone and leave a place, as I see that I am only running away from facing myself as others in a moment of interaction.
I assist and support myself to take a moment to simply focus on breathing and realize that I am here and that being with people or being alone doesn’t change who I am here as breath, as the physical.
I commit myself to walk the ‘default character’ of myself defined as me being alone, which is essentially still trying to protect my ‘loneliness’ as my ‘safe heaven.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself just walking home, being at home, and being alone whenever I see that another is just trying to ‘keep up the positive experience’ in the moment, wherein I decidedly react in a vexed and annoyed manner, indicating that I am simply ‘not having a good time’ and wanting to escape, which is when I become very quiet and showing little to no excitement about anything, which comes from the entire relationship play out that I created for myself, wherein I would be like a ‘cheerleader’ trying to make a ‘good moment’ out of anything, eventually and inevitably facing the counter act which is having a ‘low’ and and a downfall, which is when the thought of just stepping out of the scene comes up, which translates of wanting to stop upholding such agreeable character in a relationship and go back to my ‘safe place’ as in being alone and not having to ‘deal’ with others, without realizing that this is about me dealing with my own backchat and experiences created upon others’ actions, words in a particular moment.
When and as I see myself becoming ‘tired’ when being with another, annoyed/ vexed, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am then upholding a character as in being ‘positive/ agreeable’ creating an inevitable ‘downfall’ of energy as the negative and just wanting to shut another up. Thus I assist and support myself to be HERE in the moment without changing ‘who I am’ according to the people or environment – I am here, I breathe and as such I interact and communicate without holding myself back upon assessing communication as being either a positive/likeness or negative/disliking according to the judgment I have created upon communication.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another takes my ‘quiet’ attitude as personal, thinking that they will believe they are not ‘good enough to keep me entertained’ (wtf?) which is just me projecting my own inner conflict onto others to not take responsibility for my own characters and see how I manipulate myself to manipulate in deliberately making it evident that ‘I am not having a good time’ and a such, wanting to push them to do ‘all they can’ to maintain a good time/ keep me entertained with something, which is absolutely unsustainable and ludicrous to even conceive how our relationships have only been based on this desire to please or ‘keep someone entertained’ in order to ‘have a good time’ which is absolutely reducing each other to characters that masturbate each other until the orgasmic experience comes and then, one just wants to leave the place and seek for the next fix somewhere else.
I realize that I have created these characters in order to trigger an experience within another so that they could then come up with an idea to do something that would ‘cheer me up’ or ‘keep me entertained’ which can only be applicable if I am in fact only wanting to keep relationships of ‘good times,’ instead of self-stability here in every moment of breath. Thus I direct myself to support me here to not create subcharacters to defend the ‘ideal’ loner character, as all such points are in fact unnecessary if one take self responsibility to remain stable in every moment of breath, no matter where or with whom we are.
When and as I see myself fearing another’s reaction upon my own quietness – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I won’t even have to be playing ‘the quiet’ subcharacter as a support for ‘the loner’ character because I won’t be limiting myself to only create the idea of me having a ‘good time’ by myself, alone – thus I see and realize that if I am quiet it is because I in fact have nothing to say and that another’s thoughts upon me have nothing to do with what I decide to live as in every moment, taking into consideration that I won’t deliberately be quiet in order to instigate a reaction within another, but ensuring that I am in fact here breathing and as such being open to speak or not speak according to the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually lie about ‘having to do something’ in order to leave, which is just part of the entire lies as the characters that I kept up with another in order to remain in such relationship, in order to please ourselves and, paradoxically enough, to ‘not be alone’ which is the actual polarity I went back and forth with: wanting to be alone and then seeking to not be alone through relationships. I realize that my ability to be here and interact with anyone does not require for me to create ‘special bonds’/ ideal moments that I then bind myself to, I am able to remain stable and consistent here as breathe and open to share and interact with others without fearing or desiring to be alone, as I am here, breathing in my physical body and that being alone or with people does not define who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being considered as ‘antisocial’ whenever I leave a place to go home, however I see and realize that most of the times I did so in order to keep myself ‘safe’ from having to confront myself. Therefore I make sure that I do not ‘pay attention’ to any potential judgments arising from me leaving a place/ not visiting a place/ someone for some time, as I realize that if I do not go or interact for extended periods of time is simply because the moment/ event/ situation is not self supportive and I would rather be doing something that is in fact self supportive.
When and as I see myself finding an excuse to go home/ be alone again, I stop and I breathe, I realize that it is me as the mind as the character of the loner playing out as I do not require to make excuses to simply decide to leave or actually reassess why it is that I am wanting to leave someone/ certain place, which is where self honesty comes in- thus I assess whether the moment is supportive or not, whether I actually would rather be doing something that is self-supportive than being with such person or in a certain place. This I do ensuring that it is not energy that’s driving me to ‘be alone’ but a simple common sensical consideration without fearing leaving another, or fearing being judged for leaving a certain place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear causing a ‘negative experience’ within another for me leaving, which is just me creating further reactions, compromising myself and instigating further inner conflict to leave, when in fact ‘leaving’ in itself is and must be a decision in the moment wherein I am clear and stable as myself to do so, without holding any specific ‘considerations’ upon what this decision will cause in another, as that is simply my own projection of the play outs I have created within relationships and the fear of losing them .
Thus when and as I see myself fearing causing a ‘negative experience’ within others for me leaving a certain place and moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have used this as an excuse to only remain in the place, keeping the same desires to go home, instigating further inner conflict and discomfort just because of compromising myself in this singular point, which is unacceptable – thus I realize that I am the one that is able to simply make a decision to leave in the moment and that’s it – no further consequences when being self honest and clear about my decision.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel free again’ whenever I leave a place/ someone, creating then a positive experience out of having created my own negative experience as in being ‘suppressed’ while being with another/ in a certain place, which is how I kept myself looping around positive and negative experiences that I would blame others for apparently ‘spoiling,’ instead of seeing and realizing how I created it all for myself as an excuse to not have to see why it is that I was so addicted to this feel good/ feel bad energetic experience as a way to ‘keep relationships in place’ within my world.
When and as I see myself experiencing a relief, a positive experience as in ‘being free again’ when leaving someone/ a particular place – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is stemming from ‘the loner’ character as the positive experience of being alone, when in fact, being alone must not be a positive experience, but an actual self-stability in every moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an inner conflict out of ‘not knowing why I always want to be alone’ which is an added conflict as an ‘I don’t understand myself’ subcharacter in order to reinforce ‘the loner’ character wherein I believe that ‘there’s something wrong with me’ as an apparent inability to enjoy the moment/ share myself with another, which is just part of the mechanism to keep me entertained within my mind as characters that I created in order to constantly be ‘experiencing’ a beingness as a mood or a ‘way of being’ just like me being the main character of my own movie wherein I would be always a depressive person seeking a positive experiences for a moment and ‘get what I want’ in such manner.
I realize that I have kept this apparent inability to fully enjoy myself simply because of having believed that self enjoyment was something bombastic and ‘outrageous,’ which I simply would not be able to experience myself, thus believing that there was something ‘wrong’ with me not being overtly excited or joyful at time, which is how we create these conflicts based on what we watch in movies/ ideal situations wherein people have this ‘perfect good time’ just because of having lots of money or fame and any kind of culturally accepted ‘successful living’ and ‘enjoyable experience,’ which only exists as a mirage for all of us to constantly seek for such positive experience at all cost, which obviously is not real and never was.
When and as I see myself creating an inner conflict when thinking ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me’ wherein I am apparently incapable of being with another for an extended period of time, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is just a backup to always try and defend my personality as ‘the loner’ that does not want to realize how this is actually a defense mechanism to not face ourselves as another, which is how we fear yet desire relationships as a point of inner conflict, simply because we haven’t allowed ourselves to simply be here, breathing, without having an entire ‘mood’ in our minds at all times.
I realize that we are the only ones that create our own characters as a way to abuse our simplicity of being here, as breath, as the physical that we have fully ignored while creating inner conflicts and seeking to be ‘more’ than ourselves here already, which his unacceptable.
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my own mindfucks as ‘inner conflicts’ of wanting to be alone all the time, yet deliberately seeking relationships/ seeking to be with others, which is just a perfect mechanism to keep me bound to conflict, to friction and to further consequence, wherein I would always end up ensuring that I remain ‘safe’ as my main character ‘the loner,’ which is why and how relationships came to an end, as I was apparently unable to be/ stand another for an extended period of time, which was only because would face myself/dynamite the foundation of ‘the loner’ character, as I see and realize that being with others, communicating, interacting is the key to see ourselves for real – because when we are all alone in our perfect bubble, nothing seems to move – yet the minor interaction and confrontation with the real world or another being is the actual moment wherein we can test for ourselves if we are in fact really ‘here’ or not.
Thus I assist and support myself to continue opening up with people in communication and interaction in order to continue applying myself and physically directing me to be constant and consistent within my application of being here as breath, no matter where no matter with whom I am in any given moment.
When and as I see myself believing that ‘I do not know why I always end up wanting to be alone’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just another hook to keep me bound to an apparent inner conflict of me having some type of ‘problem’ to be with people, to interact and communicate unconditionally, which is in fact a self created character – as all characters – in order to keep me safe within ‘the loner’ character bounds which is in essence then me protecting and fueling my main default character that seeks to be alone at all times. I thus realize that whenever I am wondering or pondering about my ‘beingness’ as in being alone, I am trying to simply instigate an experience to occupy myself up there in the mind instead of being and remaining here as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask myself ‘what is wrong with me?’ as a self-manipulation tactic in order to not see and realize that I have created this entire ‘loner’ character to always be in a certain ‘beingness’ of either unfulfilled or misunderstood character or apparently being incapable of establishing proper relationships with people, which is absolutely a self-created mechanism to only keep me bound to ‘the loner’ character that will defend its loneliness with even apparent conflict to ‘stop being the loner’ without realizing that all conflict only gives more energy and more attention of who I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as ‘the loner.’
I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go as far as ‘worrying’ that there is something inherently wrong with me because of not being able to be ‘satisfied’ with anything, not even with having the ‘man of my dreams’ or studying that which I apparently dreamed to have, without realizing that I created these points as positive experiences in order for me to create further conflict when not getting the ideal/ future projected happiness/ satisfaction within such relationships and careers, which is another mechanism to protect ‘the loner’ character that would end up always seeking to be alone, dissert relationships, dissert careers and always remaining ‘unsatisfied’ and feeling ‘inadequate,’ which is a primary source and mechanism of self-manipulation in order to instigate conflict within and as ‘the loner’ character, to keep me bound to always seek for a positive experience, instead of actually accepting and bracing myself here as the simplicity of the physical beingness that requires no positive or negative experience to exist.
I realize that I created my own ‘inner conflicts’ and characters according to who I wanted to be and how I wanted to be seen by others, as some type of ‘weird’ person that is not able to create effective relationships, as that would keep me bound to an isolation, depression and self-diminishment that I would come to seek and even enjoy as a source of apparent ‘inspiration’ to make good art, which is linked to the entire ‘Artist’ personality, of always existing in conflict and depression in order to have something to ‘create’ about, lol an all-around mindfuck that I created for myself around relationships based on only seeking to exist as a continual inner-conflict to remain comfortable within my own mind, creating all these ideas about ‘who I am’ without ever having even considered that who I really am is myself here as the physical, and that I can direct my mind to support myself as such physical being.
When and as I see myself thinking, believing, perceiving and worrying that there is ‘something wrong with me’ because of an apparent inability to establish proper relationships, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this has been one of the greatest traps I created for myself and as myself within the belief that I was in fact a ‘difficult person’ and/or would never be able to ‘settle down,’ wherein I realize that I created such ideas based on fearing actually facing myself with another and bursting my ‘loner’ bubble as primary ‘self-defense mechanism.’ Thus I assist myself to realize there is nothing ‘wrong’ with me and that I can communicate, interact and be with another/ others without creating an experience within my mind about it, it is just human beings being here with one another coexisting as the physical wherein the actual direction at all times must be to form and create agreements of self support to ensure that we no longer support one another’s characters/ personalities as self-limitation, but instead, push ourselves to face the ‘who we have become’ as our mind characters and learn how to coexist and live within the consideration of the physical practical reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat in ultimate stances of disillusionment within a relationship/ a moment and thinking ‘What if this is as good as it gets?’ wherein I judge my ability to enjoy myself with another, existing in a continual discomfort of even not breathing properly because of thinking and believing that I must be and behave in a particular way to get to the ultimate positive experience, in order to create a relationship that I can keep as a ‘positive experience’ within me, which is how I see and realize that I had idealized relationships as these merry-go-round opportunities to only ‘enjoy’ myself, but never ever considering a relationship as a point of actual growth and self support, which is how I would create a negative experience whenever something/ someone would be dynamiting the foundation of ‘the loner’ character, as this was in essence a threat to my mind, the ‘who I am’ as my mind as the limitation of myself I have accepted and allowed myself,’ imposing it onto the physical.
Thus, I see that I only sought for positive experiences within my own relationships and characters of self interest, only being like an addict that looks for a quick fix, have a good time/ a high experience in the moment to then go back to the ‘default’ state of seeking to be ‘more’ through relationships, only getting the quick fix for a moment and then going back to the negative of myself as ‘the loner’ that would then be considered as a positive experience, just to keep myself bounding off from one side to the other with no clarity or even understanding what it is that I was in fact doing to myself, which is abusing myself as the physical, using my mind in order to experience myself as a certain positive or negative mood within the belief that ‘feeling’ and ‘becoming emotional’ was in fact Living.
I realize that thinking ‘what if this is as good as it gets’ implies seeking to be experiencing something positive at all times based on the ideals and future projections that I participated in about myself and my future when growing up, wherein I accepted ‘following my dreams’ as something viable and acceptable, thinking that people could actually always remain in this ‘blissful’ state within their relationships and their jobs, which is absolutely not so and this is thus how we end up dissatisfied with ourselves, without even questioning how such positive experience has always been the carrot on the stick, presented as such, to be an ever elusive ideal and only attainable to a handful of human beings in the world system that even then, would seek to get more and have more power, which is essentially greed that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to create the moment that we think we are able to ‘be more’ than who we are already as ourselves, as the physical.
When and as I see myself thinking ‘what if this is as good as it gets?’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am then trying to create a positive experience out of my day to day living breathing here, which is what life is actually about, instead of seeking a positive experience at all cost and ignoring what is it that actually allows such positive experience to exist. Thus, I bring myself back to the physical an walk moment by moment supporting and assisting myself to work, be, do and interact with others within situations/ activities that I realize are actual opportunities and platforms of self-support in order to stop being characters and actually start taking responsibility for the massive consequences we have created when only seeking to be ‘a successful character’ in our reality.
To be continued…
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170. Positive Thinking Irresponsibility
Continuing with Procrastination Character
As I had mentioned in the previous entry, whenever I had the ‘negative imagination’ such as the point of confronting my writings with my professor, I immediately create a rather positive point of imagination that is related then to, instead of dedicating myself to my writing, I would decide to rather ‘do some small things here and there’ and then go outside for a walk, for example.
I have made no excuse to not go outside for a walk as it’s been a very supportive point, however I see how within this same process of planning my day to ensure I do make some time to go out for a walk, I apply and implement the same for all my other tasks. This means that the seemingly ‘innocent’ moment of imagining the walk outside becomes another point of distraction.
Now, what I have realized as well is that this positive imagination does not ‘roll out’ much so to speak, meaning I am not fantasizing all the way about ‘walking’ or else, it’s simply a thought that rolls into the imagination of the air/ breeze, the view of the sun going down, clouds covering the sun, and having something to buy in the vegetable and fruit store/ getting milk – all which are also points that in my mind I make as ‘priority’ and something that ‘must be done no matter what’ which is yes, necessary – however the point is how I use these seemingly common sensical aspects to then simply place everything aside to ‘go get it.’ This means that I have ‘evolved’ somehow my own parameters of tricking myself into simply ‘leaving everything for a moment and going outside’ – which is how I then spend more than an hour out, come back to then see it as ‘too late to write.’
There are also future-projection points of imagination, wherein I am mostly waiting for the moment when it is all done and I simply can finally leave and be ‘free’ according to my expectations, which is probably the point of imagination that creates the most ‘noise’ as it is only within these thinking processes and imagination that I see it as ‘too far to get there’ and in that moment, instead of making the decision to walk it through in the moment and get it done, I go into the DIT (Do It Tomorrow) state wherein I simply give up any possibility of even approaching the document – thus, here another imagination with a negative charge comes in within this ‘battle’ between the positive and the negative: I go into the imagination of having to read through all these scattered bits of information and trains of thought that I had poured into that paper, aside from criticizing my Spanish for having too many ‘weird sentence constructions’ which I see I can simply stop judging and re-write in a more suitable manner.
Thus this imagination of having to ‘go through the document’ comes as it is: me sitting in front of my laptop and reading through the information, having to go creating the necessary cites and becoming quite specific within it all which in my mind has become part of an ‘undesired nightmare’ which is only me as my mind making of this task the boogey monster just by this image of me scrolling down all the writing and trying to ‘make sense of it all.’
I stop and I breathe as I see how there is even an anxiety linked to this imagination as I write it out here. It’s fascinating how within this simple example I see and realize how the seemingly ‘positive’ does not emerge from ‘nowhere,’ it’s actually stemming from the negative initial imagination of having to write/ having to fix/amend my writing/ having to actually do it and instead, covering it up with my personal version of love-and-light which is walking outside, having a ‘cool time’ and talking myself into it which I’ll disclose later in the backchat dimension. Thus it is plain to see how we cannot claim that the positive is ‘what it’s meant to be,’ as its very origin is actually a defense mechanism/ a distraction that we create in order to not have to face an actual point of responsibility. I also see and realize that I cannot have the single audacity of judging ‘love and light’ as long as I am creating my own ‘love and light’ through my positive imagination rolling in a seemingly ‘innocent/ harmless’ manner, which has actually become an accumulation of a ‘good/ positive experience’ to cover up the actual procrastination/ negative experience that I have accepted and allowed within me.
So, let’s roll with Self Forgiveness these points:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a positive imagination point of me going outside, seeing the weather as perfect for a walk and in that moment imagine myself strolling around, experiencing the chilly breeze of air, the streets, the moment of walking in order to convince myself that I should rather go out for a walk instead of writing and leaving the writing for ‘later,’ without realizing that this single occurrence that I have made ‘okay’ to be disciplined about in my day to day living – such as doing it on a daily basis no matter what – has become one of the primary factors to kind of ‘make my day’ to in my mind create a positive experience toward it, instead of facing the point of responsibility that I am ‘saving for later’ due to choosing to go and do that which makes me feel ‘good’ and ‘fine’ about myself/ my day.
When and as I see myself being in the moment of the day wherein I see that it is time for me to write/ tap into the writing itself and get the image rolling of me walking in the street, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is the moment wherein I make the commitment to not just follow the ‘positive image’ and instead commit myself to do what I require to do, which implies that I can instead schedule my day to ensure that I get to do all my tasks, including my walk, and instead of seeking to have ‘long hours for my writing’ only, I make it a point to work on it in a consistent manner, as this is the only way I see I can ensure that I do not continue postponing and ‘saving for later.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind make it ‘okay’ to imagine for a moment me walking outside/ going out for a walk and use that single point of imagination as enough of a reason to go outside and actually do it, leaving aside everything else because ‘it’s my time and my moment for myself,’ – thus within this positive backchatting creating an acceptable reason for me to do that instead of actually focusing on making it a point to write before I go to the walk, and this is a more suitable way to actually direct my day instead of being ‘waiting’ for the apparent ‘right moment’ that is actually subsumed by all other tasks and bits that I instead go into, leaving aside once again this primary task that must be done.
When and as I see myself making the point of walking an okay thing to do in the moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can in fact continue having that moment within my day, however instead of using the time as a ticking clock for the time to go outside, I use that time to go into my writing. I see and realize that I have created this idea of me having to be in a particular ‘moment/ point of experience’ to be able to write about this, this which is bullshit and a blatant excuse disguised with characters to actually not do what I have to do.
Thus I commit myself to not leave the writing for ‘the end of the day’ as I realize that such moment is not the most ‘suitable moment’ to do so, as that is when I instead go into any other point that requires direction or even another distraction wherein I then waste time that I could have used to do whatever I did before going out for a walk.
In this I see that it is more suitable for me to write during the day than waiting at night to do so, as the night comes and then the ‘Do it tomorrow’ mode becomes another way to justify not getting to it today.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the imagination as a remembrance of me deciding to write my document and having to go through these endless pages of scattered information that I have equated to a point and experience of anxiety and frustration and irritation, due to me having had no regard to go placing the necessary data to be able to identify the information appropriately.
When and as I see myself using the imagination of me scrolling down the entire document and reading through it as a negative experience within me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have kept this memory as a point to re-enact whenever I am ‘apparently’ making a decision to just do it, and that I have repeated and integrated at the level of a physical habit in order to Not do things which is unacceptable, as I then pull out the imagination point of ‘walking outside’ as a positive experience and make it ‘okay’ to just leave everything else for later.
I commit myself to stop fooling myself within my own mind with all types of images and excuses and justifications to not move and not do this – it is even quite a joke to see how I have committed myself to write on a daily basis for a while now and how I have been able to do that without major problem, however when it comes to another writing point that I have separated from my current writing, I judge it as a burden/ as a point of resistance which simply allows me to see where and how I have created separation within my own value system of what type of writing is ‘more important to do’ instead of actually realizing that if I am able to write here, I am able to write in just another word document as well – it is a single physical aspect/ point to walk through, committing myself to remain here as breath to not allow any negative experience such as anxiety or fear itself as a single point that prevents me from simply doing it.
I commit myself to walk through the resistance to write and stop all positive imagination to not do it in that moment, and instead direct myself to open the document, start reading/ looking at points that require to be re-written, re-arranged and give it the same point of dedication that I have committed myself to in my daily writings, as it is then a single point to extend my responsibility to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own ‘temptations’ through my own participation in imagination, wherein I then become a ‘victim’ of my own positive-imagination to lure me into doing something that I ‘enjoy’ instead of doing that which must be done no matter what.
When and as I see myself creating my own ‘temptations’ of luring myself into doing something that I would ‘rather do’ and ‘enjoy more’ doing/ participating in, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is my point of responsibility and I see how it is just like a foolish point to continue giving my power away to this, as I realize that no matter how much I ‘think of doing it,’ it won’t make me more or less responsible about it, this is about being physically moving here wherein I stop all assessments, judgments, time calculations, positive imagination thinking and future projecting about the task at hand – instead, I bring myself back to breath and simply do it.
I commit myself to not use a positive image of me doing anything else BUT going into the actual physical opening of the document and working on it which I realize is just an action of Doing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by my own imagination as a positive and or negative experience that in both cases, becomes an obstacle for me to not do it, within this
When and as I see myself going into my own imagination as an excuse to not do things, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have made it ‘okay’ for me to ‘follow my desire to have a positive experience’ during the day instead of realizing that it is not about giving up ‘walking’ altogether, but simply not using it as an excuse or reason in my mind to do this instead of ‘that.’
I commit myself to stop participating in my mind in imagination in order to actually get REAL and physical with what is required to be done.
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