Another point is how I have seen how I have this idea that If I am working on something, I have to ‘shut down’ from anything else in order to just focus on this one single task to complete, no matter how long it takes – which is an aspect of my personality linked to being rather extremist when I commit myself to do something, and within this leaving behind/ not giving attention/ not maintaining the rest of my activities with proper attention. Somehow it is as if I want to ‘redeem’ myself, my initial procrastination and getting it done all the way, in one go – which is once again based on a consideration of the mind in me wanting to ‘make up for it’ instead of simply continuing to now do it on a regular basis.
This, as ‘seemingly unimportant’ as it might be, it actually constitutes one of the most used excuses and justifications to not work on this, because in my mind I have made this idea or belief that I must simply get it done in one go and not having to do ‘anything else BUT the task at hand’ – wherein things like ‘oh I won’t have time to eat’ and wanting to shut down any form of communication with others as if this was a distraction emerge, thus it is a recurrent thinking process wherein I hold this ‘ideal’ of having the time and disposition to do so. By ‘time’ I mean having an entire day or more of just having to focus on that, not having to do any other point of responsibility and essentially it’s like being secluded in order to ‘get it done,’ which is of course extremist and in separation of reality wherein if my body would for example make such drastic decisions such as ‘not wanting to digest my food for one day,’ I could have gotten ill or even died for that. Therefore, it is a mind-delusional requirement and almost a requisite that I’ve created as part of linking this particular writing to some ‘book writing’ and ‘being a writer’ as the ideal of not having to do Anything else but writing.
This is backchat that I mostly play out in a self-accepted manner in both ways: the ‘negative’ and the ‘positive’, meaning, that I’ve made it alright to simply drop a particular task for undefined amount of time and/ or go to the extreme of wanting to JUST dedicate myself absolutely and completely to that one single task to ‘get it done’ and forget about everything else, wherein I then create an experience of seeing ‘everything else’ as a nuisance and an obstacle to ‘achieve my aim’ – even within the wording we can see how there’s an energetic drive to it, wherein I am not really considering the process of writing myself as a self-supportive process, but mostly only following my own needs in relation to trying to ‘make up for it’ as the amount of time I did not regularly spent working on it – regularly being the solution here – and instead, go into the extreme of wanting to get it done as fast as possible.
However, the ‘thing’ that happens is that I end up only seeking for this ‘one whole day that I can dedicate myself to it to get it done’ and eventually not get to ‘that whole day’ as I have obviously several points to attend as my responsibility throughout the day.
The picture that came to mind is from that movie ‘the Hours’ and how the character of Virginia Wolf would spend her days in her room writing and not really having to attend anything else – or so I got that ‘idea’ from the movie of course – I remember my backchat within that was ‘How cool! She only has to focus on writing and have her cool time to go out for a walk (read the blog: 175. My Sacred Time of the Day) and just write and write and write’ awesome, I want to be like that! And so within this, I created this belief ever since then that, in order for me to focus on some ‘writing project’ I basically require the life of a ‘writer’ as I used to read about the lives of all these writers that I admired and how they would wake up really early to write and then follow throughout their day doing the same. So all of these and many more are background conditions, not to mention the ‘inspiration’ that I thought was required to write as well. So we can call these the ‘ideals for perfect writing time’ which are based on other people’s lives and conditions within what I have judged as an ‘easy life’ of simply having to indulge in writings and seemingly having others doing their responsibilities at hand, such as taking care of the house, making money or even taking care of children.
So, here I have the ‘ideal’ aspect which can form part of the imagination, however it is not that it comes up as an entire play out in itself, but more of a belief of how the external and internal conditions must be in order to write.
Self Forgiveness on the Fantasy that I’ve held as the Ideal Imaginary moment to write:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I have to shut down from anything else in order to focus on this one single task to complete it, no matter how long it takes’ wherein I am seeking to have this one ‘empty-tasked’ day to do this, and every time that I have made it as a point to myself to do it in this or that day, I end up postponing simply because I cannot simply ‘unplug’ myself from my reality in order to have this ‘extended period of time’ to just focus on this. I realize that in my desire to fulfill and make up for the time that I did not regularly work on this document, I then go into the extreme of wanting to ‘solve it at once,’ without realizing that this is mostly impossible since everything requires a process and my exigencies of wanting to redeem myself toward this task will most certainly not be able to be fulfilled as easy as just wanting to have it done/ complete in one go – thus
When and as I see myself seeking and ‘looking forward’ for the next weekend to have an entire day wherein I can work on my document, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this I am actually limiting my ability to work on the document for a fixed amount of time/ hours a day, instead of wanting to do it in one go as per mind’s exigencies and instead , proceed to work on it regularly for hours a day in order to realize that this is and will be part of the daily tasks and process that will be required until it is done – thus,
I commit myself to stop looking for an ‘empty task day’ to work on this document, as I realize that there are no such days and that I can simply direct myself to fix the hours of the day in order to work with this and within that, making it part of the daily habits that I must work on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this point ‘more’ than any other point in my every day living, wherein within this experience toward the document as it being ‘more’ than any other writing or task I have to do, I in fact ensue the separation toward actually doing it, because of believing that I require a lot of time and the proper ‘setting’ to do it, the proper ‘momentum’ which is nothing else but a mind-generated drive toward the tasks that I have at hand.
When and as I see myself going to extremes of thinking ‘Oh I won’t have time to eat today, I cannot keep myself in communication with others because they are a distraction’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that these statements and others indicating ‘stopping doing something else because of seeing it as a waste of time’ is only based on me now wanting to redeem myself, as ‘my time’ dedicated to this task that I simply put aside for a long period of time. Thus
I commit myself to not try and ‘make up for’ the time I didn’t work on something – I face the consequences within the realization that it will take the necessary time and process to get it done, while combining it with my every day tasks and responsibilities as I see and realize that the ‘ideal’ of wanting to have an entire day ‘just for that’ is simply not possible and within holding this ‘ideal’ I have mostly created my own obstacles in my mind – thus I assist and support myself to distribute my time in order to dedicate hours a day to this document and realize that I don’t have to ‘aim’ to complete it in one go, as that would be only wanting to keep myself in a positive-experience of ‘having done it,’ instead of walking the process of doing it just as any other task/ point in my reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having the life of ‘a writer’ wherein I had actually ‘dreamed’ and ‘fantasized’ quite a lot about being a writer and having a specific setting to ‘write’ and within this particular setting as a comfortable environment to write, I envisioned that I would require to be near nature and having no noise around me, having someone else cooking for me and doing my basic responsibilities and me simply being there, drinking coffee and writing and going for strolls around my own garden – lol – as I see and realize that even if this was a ‘made up illusion’ obviously, I do consider the point and aspect of having ‘no noise around’ as the ideal point that I have to Have in order to be able to ‘concentrate’/ focus on this task, which is why the least ‘noise’ is rather an excuse to postpone it and also because of not precisely living in ‘the country side’ but in a constantly noisy neighborhood in the city – thus,
When and as I see myself wanting to have this ‘perfect picture’ of the ideal moment, ideal place and conditions to write such as being near nature, having no noise around, having someone else doing my responsibilities, having a garden/ nature to walk around on, drinking lots of coffee and essentially having a picture-perfect room/ setting in order to write and be ‘comfortable’ within writing a particularly ‘long’ document –I stop and I breathe – I realize that these imagination pictures that I have created are based on a movie, and are based on my ‘ideals’ that in no way have a correlation to physical reality, as we all require food to eat, money to earn, relationships to attend and a world to be aware of essentially in order for that writing to be in itself even a writing, as what else could we write about if it wasn’t about our experiences and realizations within the ‘real world’ which is not always quiet, wherein one does not always live in a perfect country side, nor has someone else to pay for in order to do one’s responsibilities –thus, I stop participating within these ideals that only become a rather absurd obstacle for me to not write, as I see and realize that these conditions and ‘terms’ that I have created in order to feel ‘absolutely at ease’ to be writing this particular document, implies that I have made of this document something ‘more’ than myself and any other task and that I have created this belief that it must be ‘perfect’ and as such be written within a ‘perfect’ moment/ environment – thus
I commit myself to stop creating the beliefs that I must be in and require specific settings and inspiration in order to write, as I realize that these are just mind exigencies that I have created in my mind, which have become excuses to not get to a certain task simply because I would rather ‘wait’ for that perfect moment and setting wherein all is apparently ‘done and fine’ and so ‘I can write till I drop,’ which is obviously not realistic at all.
I commit myself to stop making an imagination point an excuse and justification for me to not work on something within the expectation of having possibly ‘in the future’ a ‘perfect moment’ to write, which doesn’t exist as I am actually able and capable of simply deciding to work on something and that is it, the work and written document is not dependent on a feeling, or an experience of ‘inspiration’ which is part of the mindfuckism that comes when thinking about writing a document that is not precisely self forgiveness or writing myself. I stop separating one writing as being more/ less than the other and focus on simply doing it.
More to come …
Lugar ideal (ideal place) 2003
Blogs:
170. Positive Thinking Irresponsibility
Continuing with Procrastination Character
As I had mentioned in the previous entry, whenever I had the ‘negative imagination’ such as the point of confronting my writings with my professor, I immediately create a rather positive point of imagination that is related then to, instead of dedicating myself to my writing, I would decide to rather ‘do some small things here and there’ and then go outside for a walk, for example.
I have made no excuse to not go outside for a walk as it’s been a very supportive point, however I see how within this same process of planning my day to ensure I do make some time to go out for a walk, I apply and implement the same for all my other tasks. This means that the seemingly ‘innocent’ moment of imagining the walk outside becomes another point of distraction.
Now, what I have realized as well is that this positive imagination does not ‘roll out’ much so to speak, meaning I am not fantasizing all the way about ‘walking’ or else, it’s simply a thought that rolls into the imagination of the air/ breeze, the view of the sun going down, clouds covering the sun, and having something to buy in the vegetable and fruit store/ getting milk – all which are also points that in my mind I make as ‘priority’ and something that ‘must be done no matter what’ which is yes, necessary – however the point is how I use these seemingly common sensical aspects to then simply place everything aside to ‘go get it.’ This means that I have ‘evolved’ somehow my own parameters of tricking myself into simply ‘leaving everything for a moment and going outside’ – which is how I then spend more than an hour out, come back to then see it as ‘too late to write.’
There are also future-projection points of imagination, wherein I am mostly waiting for the moment when it is all done and I simply can finally leave and be ‘free’ according to my expectations, which is probably the point of imagination that creates the most ‘noise’ as it is only within these thinking processes and imagination that I see it as ‘too far to get there’ and in that moment, instead of making the decision to walk it through in the moment and get it done, I go into the DIT (Do It Tomorrow) state wherein I simply give up any possibility of even approaching the document – thus, here another imagination with a negative charge comes in within this ‘battle’ between the positive and the negative: I go into the imagination of having to read through all these scattered bits of information and trains of thought that I had poured into that paper, aside from criticizing my Spanish for having too many ‘weird sentence constructions’ which I see I can simply stop judging and re-write in a more suitable manner.
Thus this imagination of having to ‘go through the document’ comes as it is: me sitting in front of my laptop and reading through the information, having to go creating the necessary cites and becoming quite specific within it all which in my mind has become part of an ‘undesired nightmare’ which is only me as my mind making of this task the boogey monster just by this image of me scrolling down all the writing and trying to ‘make sense of it all.’
I stop and I breathe as I see how there is even an anxiety linked to this imagination as I write it out here. It’s fascinating how within this simple example I see and realize how the seemingly ‘positive’ does not emerge from ‘nowhere,’ it’s actually stemming from the negative initial imagination of having to write/ having to fix/amend my writing/ having to actually do it and instead, covering it up with my personal version of love-and-light which is walking outside, having a ‘cool time’ and talking myself into it which I’ll disclose later in the backchat dimension. Thus it is plain to see how we cannot claim that the positive is ‘what it’s meant to be,’ as its very origin is actually a defense mechanism/ a distraction that we create in order to not have to face an actual point of responsibility. I also see and realize that I cannot have the single audacity of judging ‘love and light’ as long as I am creating my own ‘love and light’ through my positive imagination rolling in a seemingly ‘innocent/ harmless’ manner, which has actually become an accumulation of a ‘good/ positive experience’ to cover up the actual procrastination/ negative experience that I have accepted and allowed within me.
So, let’s roll with Self Forgiveness these points:
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a positive imagination point of me going outside, seeing the weather as perfect for a walk and in that moment imagine myself strolling around, experiencing the chilly breeze of air, the streets, the moment of walking in order to convince myself that I should rather go out for a walk instead of writing and leaving the writing for ‘later,’ without realizing that this single occurrence that I have made ‘okay’ to be disciplined about in my day to day living – such as doing it on a daily basis no matter what – has become one of the primary factors to kind of ‘make my day’ to in my mind create a positive experience toward it, instead of facing the point of responsibility that I am ‘saving for later’ due to choosing to go and do that which makes me feel ‘good’ and ‘fine’ about myself/ my day.
When and as I see myself being in the moment of the day wherein I see that it is time for me to write/ tap into the writing itself and get the image rolling of me walking in the street, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is the moment wherein I make the commitment to not just follow the ‘positive image’ and instead commit myself to do what I require to do, which implies that I can instead schedule my day to ensure that I get to do all my tasks, including my walk, and instead of seeking to have ‘long hours for my writing’ only, I make it a point to work on it in a consistent manner, as this is the only way I see I can ensure that I do not continue postponing and ‘saving for later.’
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind make it ‘okay’ to imagine for a moment me walking outside/ going out for a walk and use that single point of imagination as enough of a reason to go outside and actually do it, leaving aside everything else because ‘it’s my time and my moment for myself,’ – thus within this positive backchatting creating an acceptable reason for me to do that instead of actually focusing on making it a point to write before I go to the walk, and this is a more suitable way to actually direct my day instead of being ‘waiting’ for the apparent ‘right moment’ that is actually subsumed by all other tasks and bits that I instead go into, leaving aside once again this primary task that must be done.
When and as I see myself making the point of walking an okay thing to do in the moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can in fact continue having that moment within my day, however instead of using the time as a ticking clock for the time to go outside, I use that time to go into my writing. I see and realize that I have created this idea of me having to be in a particular ‘moment/ point of experience’ to be able to write about this, this which is bullshit and a blatant excuse disguised with characters to actually not do what I have to do.
Thus I commit myself to not leave the writing for ‘the end of the day’ as I realize that such moment is not the most ‘suitable moment’ to do so, as that is when I instead go into any other point that requires direction or even another distraction wherein I then waste time that I could have used to do whatever I did before going out for a walk.
In this I see that it is more suitable for me to write during the day than waiting at night to do so, as the night comes and then the ‘Do it tomorrow’ mode becomes another way to justify not getting to it today.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the imagination as a remembrance of me deciding to write my document and having to go through these endless pages of scattered information that I have equated to a point and experience of anxiety and frustration and irritation, due to me having had no regard to go placing the necessary data to be able to identify the information appropriately.
When and as I see myself using the imagination of me scrolling down the entire document and reading through it as a negative experience within me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have kept this memory as a point to re-enact whenever I am ‘apparently’ making a decision to just do it, and that I have repeated and integrated at the level of a physical habit in order to Not do things which is unacceptable, as I then pull out the imagination point of ‘walking outside’ as a positive experience and make it ‘okay’ to just leave everything else for later.
I commit myself to stop fooling myself within my own mind with all types of images and excuses and justifications to not move and not do this – it is even quite a joke to see how I have committed myself to write on a daily basis for a while now and how I have been able to do that without major problem, however when it comes to another writing point that I have separated from my current writing, I judge it as a burden/ as a point of resistance which simply allows me to see where and how I have created separation within my own value system of what type of writing is ‘more important to do’ instead of actually realizing that if I am able to write here, I am able to write in just another word document as well – it is a single physical aspect/ point to walk through, committing myself to remain here as breath to not allow any negative experience such as anxiety or fear itself as a single point that prevents me from simply doing it.
I commit myself to walk through the resistance to write and stop all positive imagination to not do it in that moment, and instead direct myself to open the document, start reading/ looking at points that require to be re-written, re-arranged and give it the same point of dedication that I have committed myself to in my daily writings, as it is then a single point to extend my responsibility to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own ‘temptations’ through my own participation in imagination, wherein I then become a ‘victim’ of my own positive-imagination to lure me into doing something that I ‘enjoy’ instead of doing that which must be done no matter what.
When and as I see myself creating my own ‘temptations’ of luring myself into doing something that I would ‘rather do’ and ‘enjoy more’ doing/ participating in, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is my point of responsibility and I see how it is just like a foolish point to continue giving my power away to this, as I realize that no matter how much I ‘think of doing it,’ it won’t make me more or less responsible about it, this is about being physically moving here wherein I stop all assessments, judgments, time calculations, positive imagination thinking and future projecting about the task at hand – instead, I bring myself back to breath and simply do it.
I commit myself to not use a positive image of me doing anything else BUT going into the actual physical opening of the document and working on it which I realize is just an action of Doing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by my own imagination as a positive and or negative experience that in both cases, becomes an obstacle for me to not do it, within this
When and as I see myself going into my own imagination as an excuse to not do things, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have made it ‘okay’ for me to ‘follow my desire to have a positive experience’ during the day instead of realizing that it is not about giving up ‘walking’ altogether, but simply not using it as an excuse or reason in my mind to do this instead of ‘that.’
I commit myself to stop participating in my mind in imagination in order to actually get REAL and physical with what is required to be done.
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Blogs:
Character Dimensions – IMAGINATION Dimension (Part 2): DAY 166
Character Dimensions – REACTION Dimension (Part 1): DAY 170
Day 170: After Death Communication – Part 19
Interviews:
Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 1
Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 2
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