Tag Archives: impatience

602. Flexibility within Reality

 

Or how I decided to live a day where things didn’t turn out as ‘I expected’ and prevented myself from going into an exasperation about it and instead turn it into an opportunity to develop patience and understanding.  

So, part of my plans in the day was to write a blog yesterday, and I didn’t get to it. In fact it was one of those days where I woke up early as usual and wrote down all the points that I had to get done, keep an eye on, direct and get to ‘settle’ during the day as part of certain duties, commitments and responsibilities I have taken on in my life.

So, it was one of those days where nothing went as I wanted it to go/not as ‘I expected’ and all the things that I planned to get ‘easily directed’ during the first half of the day ended up being things and bits I had to direct and sort throughout the entire day… lots of phone calls, messages, being in a rather huge state of anticipation because of not being able to communicate with a friend of mine that was going to complete certain process for me in a long-distance manner, then ending up knowing that he had been in a compromised situation that was not cool at all for him, which led me to then be in a state of pressure of ‘I’m requesting this person to do this/that for me and they just went through such a shocking situation’ and having limited ways to communicate while having some deadlines to cover with timeframes for these processes that I could not just ‘go and complete myself’ because I just could not do them from where I am currently located.

I also had to deal with other ‘fixings’ in relation to certain services and that also took some time because of course, people in customer service are usually quite busy, some people make mistakes and so an entire thing becomes a greater problem because of that. I realized I had to understand how overworked they are, how they have to at times make up for someone else’s mistakes and how I had to be forgiving with the other person that had made an initial mistake that created great confusion in my process of attempting to get something sorted out. So I decided to remind me that ‘everyone makes mistakes, I won’t make a big fuss about it and just be patient while things get sorted out.’ So that process I had to do a couple of times today with different people/situations.

In the past in similar situations I would have already by the half of day been irritated, annoyed, calling people incompetent or not ‘wise enough’ to do things ‘just right’ from the get go – but interestingly enough I had the following audio from Eqafe.com quite ‘fresh’ in my memory in fact Failure and Success – Reptilians – Part 571. As I wrote the words ‘I would have been ‘whining’ about in the past like calling people ‘incompetent’ this audio came up because I certainly was that type of person that thought of myself as being spotless in terms of not making mistakes, always being efficient and doing things properly, which is of course quite an unreal view of myself and one that I had to definitely step down from in order to get more real about my flaws, my actual denial of mistakes and weaknesses which include of course this ‘short fuse temper’ type of tantrums I’d dive into within such starting point of believing that ‘If I was doing the work that others are doing, if I had been in this or that position, I would have prevented such problem, I would have done this more efficiently, I would have been able to clarify the situation faster for the client’ etc. And that is a very arrogant way to approach life situations, people and the many ‘out of the ordinary’ type of situations we can encounter in our day to day.

It seems as though this whole day could have been the perfect set of ingredients to make my ‘good old recipe’ of a short fuse temper cocktail that would lead me to ‘bash every single moment of the day’ and go into a state of ‘I don’t want to do any of it any longer’ and just throw a tantrum – read giving up while remaining angry about things – while believing that throwing a tantrum is righteous as in ‘the right thing to do’, which I never in fact dared to see or recognize as an actual weakness, as a form of giving up on myself and others within this attitude of just getting flustered, angry, irritated, frustrated or belittling people for what I perceived were ‘low capabilities to sort things out’ in other words, calling every other person ‘incompetent.’  

Yep, that’s really the truth of myself right there, existing in this ‘I know better’ position where I many times have wished I could just ‘clone myself and do everything myself so that I would never have to deal with incompetence.’ Yeah, again, ‘wow!’ I know… but till this day, I can still see these ‘old thoughts’ coming up within me and what are they indicating about me? They are a way for me to spot and identify where I am not being humble, considerate, patient and flexible towards life happening – as simple as that – because we are all humans, we all make mistakes, nothing can be entirely ‘perfect’ and I have to rather make space for a lot of trial and error in life, or else I won’t be able to ‘live in this world’ like my mother would say to me and my sisters.

My mother’s words come up in this because she had to live in a house with 4 other people  – my father and us three sisters – that have (had) serious ‘perfectionism’ issues. The ‘trademark’ was that of being apprehensive, going into tantrums if things didn’t go our way, if we didn’t get things done ‘the exact way we wanted it,’ if something/someone else would go missing in action and would cause some delay or something just not ‘happening’ to us, or say some teacher wouldn’t grade us in a way that we believed we deserved, the norm was to get angry, to blow things out of proportion, to be short-fusing all along and believe that such response in some way would give us an authority over things… lol, it never did. It only caused us some neurosis that I now know how ‘bad’ it gets when not taking care of it,  yep, learned along the way not the ‘easy way’ but the hard way many times.

This ‘short fuse temper’ point is one of those ‘biggie’ points I’ve been working on for several years now – otherwise identified as ‘anger’ for example – and this whole day was a test in my relationship to things ‘not going the way I expected’ and changing my experience throughout these ‘inconveniences’ and delays, things not happening, people not showing up, people going through actually rough things that delays other processes for me, people having shit happening in their management systems, people not sending out a notice about it, people having to be dealing with greater amounts of work because employers don’t want to hire an extra person to redistribute the load and so being slower in completing tasks, etc.

I had to let go in every moment that all of these ‘obstacles’ went on during my day and just embrace it. I had to remind myself that I could not fix it myself, I depended on others doing things for me, I had to make peace with it and so I did. But it wasn’t an ‘easy’ thing, I mean, I could still see the irritation and impatience wanting to come up, so in those moments I would remind myself to place myself in their shoes, in how there’s not only ‘one’ person that is responsible for certain things, that at times there’s several people down the line that cause such points. Other times it’s systems failing, other times it’s just people having literal shitty situations happening in their life which causes a turn on things that I had assumed would be ‘done as expected’ and having to ‘re-calibrate’ in certain ways.

So, the outcome was that I spent more time today ‘managing’ all these things and having back and forths in communication, sending emails, waiting for certain things to play out that I didn’t get to do what I wanted to get to do after I would have had those things ‘sorted out’ which I had hoped to have ‘sorted out’ throughout the first half of the day, and it just couldn’t happen that way.

As a result, I had to embrace the day, realize I cannot  always be ‘on top of my day’ but today was rather practicing being flexible, testing out my patience to not go into impatience, stopping going into an irritation about having to ‘wait in the line’ or letting go of wanting to have a definitive answer about certain opportunities opening up and in essence, had to ‘make peace’ with things just not being as simple, straightforward and easy-going as I had expected.

So, the last point of the day was that I was recording a translation for Eqafe.com, I’ve been doing it for so many years now that many times at the beginning I would be recording and find out I wasn’t recording at all or the microphone wasn’t plugged in and so I would ‘finish it’ without having a proper recording of the whole thing. In the past I would become so irritated about it! You know like wanting to kick something against the wall type of irritation, lol. Today it happened again, I had a ‘dimensional shift’ where I didn’t plug in the microphone, I just placed it in front of me and started recording. I did check a few times that I was recording through it, but I never noticed that the cable wasn’t plugged… so I finished and as I played it back  I noticed the sound was off, I had not plugged in the mic… well, that was the ‘cherry on top of the day’ or could have been so.

I noticed that there was an urge within me to just ‘want to repeat the whole thing and ‘get done and over with it’ right away’ but I know how this ‘getting over with it’ type of experience goes, it becomes a rushing-through-things type of stance where all of my expression becomes an I-just-want-to-get-this-done type of experience where I know I am irritated and I am just wanting to ‘run through the mistake’ and sort it out as soon as possible, without first addressing the actual irritation.

So this time before I even went into an experience of irritation or frustration for this mistake I made – and I did say ‘oh silly me, wtf!’ but I realized I was about to get into that ‘same old’ train of thought – so I hacked it – I said to myself: Ok, I will take a break, take a shower, eat something, do some cleaning, eat some actual cherries and cake lol and then come back upstairs to be settled enough to re-record it. It helped, I re did it, point done, no rushing rather enjoying the topic of what I was translating which precisely had to do with how if we are in energy and then get thrown into an experience that we react to with more energy, of course energy meets energy and it’s all blown out of proportion – which is actually a cool explanation of how if we don’t go in fact changing our relationship to all of these ‘bits of moments’ of ‘obstacles’ or inconveniences, we mostly get to that ‘tipping point’ where there’s that last drop that spills the glass full of water, which is a saying here that explains how we go filling a bucket or a glass of water with drops, little drops on a constant basis, and how if we don’t go sorting out that accumulation of ‘little bits,’ then at some point a ‘last drop’ will cause the water to spill out… because we didn’t work through or manage through the various ‘bits’ throughout the whole day for example.

So, in this, I didn’t judge me for having this slight reaction to the day, I just decided to understand it, to see how I could have ‘taken me’ to react in ‘bigger ways’ in the past and how I can decide to do things differently now.

I learned to place myself in the shoes of others, I learned to actually place myself in a position of providing assistance to someone that went through a rather shocking situation and doing what I would see I’d definitely gladly take on as support from another if I had been in their position. I learned to be considerate and not only focus on ‘my wants, my needs, my timeframes’ and be flexible. I learned to even laugh at my own silliness for example with missing plugging in the mic as I shared my experience with someone and look back at the day and realize that ‘yeah, this was quite an ‘out of the normal’ day’, but in the end it was a cool set of ‘tests’ for me to see who am I in the face of unexpected things happening or just things ‘not going my way’ or ‘as assumed’ or ‘as predicted’ and in that it assists me in learning to live with these ‘curve balls’ that lead me to create a point of anticipation, where yes I can anticipate something being sorted out soon, but realizing I don’t have to be ‘eating my heart out’ while anticipating…. Maybe that’s not the expression, but you get the point of how anxiety can pile up when something is not entirely in our hands to sort out or direct, but depend on someone else to do it for us.

So, as I re-did that recording, this time ensuring all was set in its usual ways, I realized how after all I thought I didn’t have ‘much to share’ about today because I didn’t get anything ‘done’ as in being ‘productive’ as such, but, I realize that I got other kinds of points ‘done,’ such as all of this ‘who I am’ in the midst of setbacks, delays, things not working, people going through unexpected situations, weather being really out of whack and not really being the best one to ‘plan my day’ accordingly, having to make room for ‘extra things’ I had to sort out that I didn’t plan to have to ‘fix’ etc.  And as I see myself at the end of the day, I didn’t get that irritated, except for rather being a bit too rushed in wanting certain responses, but I also got worried about a situation and it turns out some unfortunate situations did happen, but I could not do anything to prevent it or sort it out, other than provide some ‘moral support’ as they say.

So, instead of piling up reactions throughout the day, I decided to go testing out ways in which I could embrace these ‘curve balls’, practice patience, practice understanding, practice ‘letting go’ of my desired outcomes, embracing the unexpected, the unpredictable, the unfortunate and rather act to find alternative ways and be ok with having to repeat several things to get certain desired outcomes… it went out ‘ok’ in that sense in fact, so, that’s how I can also learn to see my day, not only through what I get ‘done’ as I’d like to see my day in terms of ‘production’ – but also embrace the day where I get to see who am I managing, walking through certain unexpected points, walking through certain consequences, walking through the unexpected, walking through ‘waiting’ etc.  Not going at all to ‘blame’ anything or the world for how things went through today – lol – but working along with it, finding ways through it, sometimes just plainly accepting ‘ok, not going to happen as expected’ and being ok with it, learning to manage myself in it and learning to let-go of my control over things.

Ok, thanks for reading!

 

 contourt

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE

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546. Exploring Humbleness

Or sharing the different ways in which I lived the opposite of humbleness, an initial attempt of being humble and the current application of this word in my process

 

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction

When looking at the word humbleness what first comes up is how I’ve been integrating this word as a key element in my process in relation to considering others and being able to relate to others from a humble approach.

 

What do I mean by this? I have had the tendency since I was a little girl to be ‘ahead’ of the class most of the time. I’ll be the one in the class that would always finish whatever we had to do much earlier than the rest and had to wait for everyone else to finish or catch up with something. I have been the person that would start learning a new language with a group of people and drop out after the first few lessons because ‘everyone else was going so slow, I got easily bored.’

 

I have generally existed within a very ingrained perception towards others that had a tinge of superiority that I would not see or define as ‘superiority’ itself, because I deemed that there was ‘something’ – like some kind of ‘special ability’ – in me that facilitated certain things in my life in relation to studies, processing of information or learning stuff, which surely are skills that can be useful – but I did allow me to think better of myself in that regard and create a distinction between ‘me’ towards the rest of the people.

 

I always assumed ‘I knew better than everyone else’ and I’m speaking of a perception that I had as early as my first day in a social environment with ‘fellow beings’ in kindergarten, where I remember all the kids cried when leaving their parents for the first time and I decided to not follow the trend and ‘stand strong’ and didn’t follow the crowd with the crying choir. From that moment on, I considered that I was superior/better, more ‘mature’ or ‘evolved’ than the rest of my peers – hell, sometimes I even thought I could see through the teachers or ‘knew better’ than them, lol – but, interestingly enough all of this even if I could not verbalize it as I am doing it now, led me to eventually create a point of isolation based on separation and a general sense of ‘specialness’ as self-definitions wherein I created my own bubble of ‘I’m an outsider, I’m better than everyone else,’ while at the same time not dealing with the actual issues I had in relation to being able to see past my judgments towards others as ‘inferior’ or ‘unknowledgeable’ and learn what it would mean to truly be humble towards others.

 

When noticing this, I tried to find ways to not stand ‘above’ the rest but ‘mingle more’ in the midst of it. Sure I’d get along with people, but there was still a very subtle yet ever present regard about myself as ‘knowing better’ than others – which I also consider is more common than we’d like to admit in a lot of people, it’s the typical mind programming where we believe we are the center of the universe instead of learning to consider others as equals to us as life itself.

 

The way that this lack of humbleness would come through in me over time is through an experience of exasperation, impatience, only considering ‘my understanding’ and not really being willing to ‘slow down’ or ‘walk with’ at the pace of others at all times. I did try and help them through for example assisting with studies and such, but other times depending on the people, I’d use this ‘superiority’ as a way to cope with experiences of the opposite polarity as inferiority that I didn’t get to question at first.

 

I got to a point during my teenage years and early adulthood wherein I perceived that most people were simply ‘different’ to me and were not really ‘worth my time’ to interact with, preferring to always get along with those that I deemed ‘equal’ to me in terms of personalities and intellectual capacities, in essence becoming an elitist of sorts while still presenting myself as the opposite of that many times, which is also an interesting feat. However in self-honesty one cannot continue deceiving oneself where we know we are putting a ‘show’ towards others, but haven’t really dealt with the source of our actual discomfort, annoyance, irritation, impatience or judgments towards others, which are all in my case a result of having lived in a very confined self-definition as ‘superior’, even if I would have most likely said ‘not at all’ to this latter assertion back when I was shaping myself as this personality in my early teens.

 

This perceived ‘knowing better’ experience led me to generate an ‘elevated’ separation towards my peers. I truly got to think or perceive that I was simply placed in the wrong planet, at the wrong time and that I simply didn’t deserve to have the life that I had, lol. So, one can get the idea of an ever-present layer in me as a personality that at the same time was co-existing with a deeply rooted sense of inferiority, a sense of worthlessness ‘beyond my intellectual capacities’ which I actually ended up creating as a definition onto myself that I blamed other people throughout my life for, in the sense of ‘them’ only ‘appreciating me’ or ‘regarding me’ as a piece of walking-intellect rather than actually getting to know me as the real being and person – but, the reality is that I was the one that was very quick to label and cage everyone else, being very quick to judge and assess who I would ‘want to get along with’ and who I would simply not treat as an absolute equal – even if being in good speaking terms with them.

 

It’s definitely interesting to realize how one is the discriminator when one believes that ‘others are not embracing me for being ‘sort of different’ while I made it a point to go ‘against the tide’ most of the times which implied by default that I would do things and behave in ways wherein I could come through as pedant, offensive at times towards certain kinds of people and transgressive if not attackative at times, which was my way of compensating for an actual sense of inadequacy experienced while growing up, where the only ‘forte’ I had was a certain set of intellectual skills or capacities that I could use with ease to get me through in ‘good positions’ in schools. But, I also got tired of this and wanted to be more than just a perceived ‘intelligent’ person that I believed no one was really caring to ‘get to know’ about, but in reality I was probably the one that would be quite reserved based towards others to begin with, wasn’t as ‘open’ or affable but mostly had a ‘protective shield’ which probably could scare some people away lol.

 

Many times I considered that others were discriminating me for ‘who I am,’ but I never dared to really look again and see how as much as I wanted to get along with everyone, this underlying judgment of superiority within me sustained at the same time by a sense of inferiority kept me limited and defined by my own acceptance and allowance of judgments and values placed on top of who I really am, which is life, which is equality.

 

Fast forwarding from those times to where I am now, I’ve definitely been able to deconstruct and understand why I created such personalities around people, why I would keep a sense of ‘intellectual superiority’ in order to compensate for a sense of inferiority and how all of this currently translates in my life wherein I work with people, I work in assisting others to walk this process from consciousness to self-awareness as life. And this has been – and still is – quite the perfect position for me to be at considering all of this background that I’ve just shared about wherein I had not admitted to myself that I was in fact throughout my whole life ‘setting myself apart’ through a sense of superiority and specialness, sustained by the opposite polarity that I perceived at the time as ‘the real me,’ the ‘human flawed me’ – which I used as a way to ‘equalize’ myself to people, believing that in order to get out of my ‘tough-headed’ personality as an ‘all-knowing’ person that became a tad arrogant with people, I would have to get along with troubled people, people I considered were suffering in ways that I had no context to in my personal life, and in my quest to understand and help them, I would create friendships and relationships with people that signified – at the time – my desire to be humble and consider others’ misfortunes – and in a way challenge my seemingly ‘perfect’ life where nothing seemed to ever be a real ‘drama’ or ‘go wrong’ in a real way.

 

This path of seeking to be ‘humble’ through diminishing myself in such relationships wasn’t the way either, because I deliberately fed my character weaknesses like the emotional self that would come through as experiences of depression, worthlessness, inferiority, invalidation – all of this I created and believed was ‘who I really was’ so that I could have something ‘in common’ with the people that I was interested in getting along with and understanding in terms of their troublesome self-experience and lives.

 

Well, I ended up realizing that it was not really about ‘them’ but about me and my desire to be apparently ‘normal’ by experiencing the troubles and flaws ‘with them,’ instead of having seen how I allowed myself to go into a superiority, a separation, a ‘thinking better of myself’ type of default experience towards others which then led me to go riding through the ups and downs believing that life wasn’t really about all the good and fortunate positions I had been in my life, and so I kind of had to become ‘flawed’ in order to get along with what I deemed ‘the real people’ and no longer be deemed as the ‘perfect’ one that ‘never makes a mistake’ and instead, I created a personality within me that I knew could get along with or attract the kind of people I was interested in understanding and getting to know, ‘troubled’ people that I believed I could help out yet deemed ‘cool’ for daring to not go through the ‘seeking happiness at all cost’ attitude, but stood ‘true’ to themselves in their emotional experience.

 

Of course all of this that I explain was the way I would reason it at the time, which is not at all how I would see things today.

 

I realize that the truth of ourselves is what we make ourselves and our lives to be, which is visible in everything we think, do and act upon. And that we are the only ones that can define what’s supportive, what’s acceptable and what’s not in our lives – it’s not about considering that those that suffer are ‘more real’ than those that are constantly on the winning side, or that I had to ‘step down’ of my perceived ‘perfection throne’ in order to ‘get more real’ with what I considered more ‘real people’ that had ‘real life problems’ unlike me.  That’s where I realized that people get along with and feel comfortable with whoever shows to have the same flaws or difficulties and at this stage, I cannot be entirely sure if I ever was then that kind of ‘troubled’ person in nature or if I made it all up for the sake of making myself more ‘normal’ or ‘humanly flawed’ in order to fit in with those I deemed as the ‘cool and real troubled people.’

 

Regardless of the order of that, it was self-created and I ended up becoming –or getting lost into- my character to such an extent that I stopped being able to differentiate the act from ‘the real me’ and ended up really getting ‘what I wanted’ from the specific people I wanted to be close to, whom I made myself to have something ‘in common’ with, like emotional experiences of inadequacy and depression, worthlessness or a lack of joy for living – which yes, led me to meet interesting people that I now see also allowed me to get to know about the diversity of ‘life’ as it exists in this world that I would have otherwise been oblivious too if I had not become this ‘tormented character’ that shaped my life for quite some time.

 

Now, all of that process of becoming a certain ‘flawed’ personality in order to be able to connect and also ‘assist’ others was a misconceived form of ‘humbleness’ that wasn’t real humbleness, I was trying to do the empathy game where I reduced myself to a level of experience in order to relate to others, instead of rather being able to understand others through first understanding myself.

 

Of course at the time I didn’t have the tools that I have now to be able to even word all of this out, and in a way it’s not like I could have done it any differently because that particular path led me to where I am now, eventually getting a bit too lost in this process of ‘seeking a truth’ separate from myself and getting lost in my own emotional characters that I’ve had to understand and debunk throughout these years, eventually all of it becoming actual habits and patterns that have taken time to stop and ‘rewire’ within myself, lol, I realize I did it all to myself and very consciously so.

 

But even if I was aware of what I was ‘reducing’ myself to in terms of my life and the personalities I became, my flawed sense of life-worth led me to stick to my perceptions at the time for a variety of reasons that were related to being able to stand out of the crowd, going against the tide and creating a form of specialness and separation through self-definitions that ended up becoming my very own cage.

 

Currently humbleness in my life/process is the ability to consider others’ lives, processes and awareness, it’s a word I constantly use to not forget the process that I’ve walked within Desteni in order to get to understand all of this in my life as my own creation and be able to step back from the programming and see it for what it is =a self-creation that we can decide to change and stand up from with actual work and living words in practice.

 

Doing this can become a second nature after some time, but in no way must it become yet another source of superiority and personal-accolade where even the act of supporting another could become another way to continue living out this subtle ‘superiority’ or ‘knowing better than others’ and feeding my ego about it, but this is precisely one of the key points in my process that I’ve been quite diligent and careful to not fall into – meaning, not falling within the perception that ‘I know better’ or placing myself in a superiority stance because I am aware of how that backfires in self-limitation – yet it can be a very subtle ‘constant’ in me if I don’t constantly also decide to remind me of living humbleness and equality instead.

 

This comes in very subtle ways that at times they might completely go unnoticed within me because of how Ingrained this perception has been throughout my life, and this is where I can remind myself that whenever I am seeing ‘ahead’ of another and start getting desperate, exasperated, frustrated and generally ‘bothered’ by the level of awareness that another person might have in an interaction with me, I have to embrace the word humbleness to truly ensure every time that I am in such position of providing assistance and support that I am not acting out of a sense of superiority, or that I am not placing myself on a ‘superior’ or ‘advanced’ position in relation to others, but instead remind me how this is a self-created perception wherein I cannot really ‘know’ ahead of anything other than what is evident in the moment, and so stop feeding any form of ‘being ahead of the game’ perceptions I may have at times.

 

There are layers of physical experiences that I see come through at times when being amongst people, wherein upon listening to them and getting to see ‘where they’re at’ in their life, I have immediately gone into the labeling or tagging of ‘who the person is’ according to the level of self-awareness I perceive/believe they can have – which is a source of separation and knowledge-based type of assumptions.

 

What I would definitely like to learn to live is real humbleness where I can truly be devoid of self-definitions or any form of ego-interest and stand completely clear and stable within me when interacting with others and simply be there as a point of support, a voice of experience based on my own process and ensure that no matter what, I always s remind myself of our equality, of eating my ‘humble pie’ whenever I see myself going into any shift in my mind that perceives anything or anyone else as more or less than who I am.

 

This is all easier said than done, but it truly has been a process of learning to deconstruct these ingrained yet subtle traits that I deemed as ‘normal’ in me, experiences that still might come through at times when talking or assisting people directly, which is where I have to direct myself to embrace the other person, to step out of the inferior/superior paradigm and learn to see another as an equal, to walk with and side by side, to remember my own process that has led me to be where and how I am today and that this is what the real meaning of humbleness is for me, it’s all about recognizing our equality yet our specific lives, positions, allocations, life contexts and potentials wherein I can stand in a position of assisting others that also want to assist themselves in the same process I’ve decided to live and apply in my own life.

 

More to open up….

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

Self Diminishing Superiority

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


294. I Want Change and I Want it Now

Impatience is what we experience when we have only regarded what ‘We Want to get’ in our usual ‘quantum time’ that we’ve become so used to in our world where money-magic wand can make all miracles happen at the flick of our wrist, and that’s a rather individualistic perspective considering the amount of time we’ve spent openly and carelessly abusing ourselves/each other nature, animals for the sake of building our drive-thru lifestyle that we’re all living in at the moment.

 

One thing we have realized within walking our individual process is that it takes definitive continued action to stand within the decision to change, if we don’t live it, it’s useless – and the reason why it is a physical process is because we require to literally change the habits, the patterns, the ways of living that we have creating hence the impatience to change comes from the same patterns we’ve adopted wherein money has imprinted this ‘surreal reality’ upon physical reality. Have a look at how we are so used to go and buy a certain product in the shop without Any awareness of the amount of time, labor, processes, transportation, distribution that such product went through, which implies that we’ve become used to quantum consumption being absolutely separated from the product in itself which is in essence a piece of the Earth that contains multiple processes in order to become our ‘one item’ that we simply pay for at the counter. 

 

Hence, to undo this massive quantum-leap that has lead to massive destruction and abuse, we have to realize that it will be a very slow process, and that patience is what we require to live as ourselves along with a diligent decision to live such change within ourselves. How? Beginning with stopping desiring change in an immediate manner and ‘making peace’ with the fact that: this is and will be a very slow process. Therefore, it is to also realize that change at ‘quantum speed’ is then only a mind-driven process where there’s no consideration for all these afore mentioned physical processes that we’ve ignored when consuming something, we simply take it, use it, dispose it – therefore, walking the reversed engineering of this massive fast-food lifestyle we’ve embodied with McDonald’s solutions, we will require to go one by one becoming aware of the problem and as such establishing the necessary solutions.

 

Now, the point here is not advocating for us to suffer for a prolonged amount of time, but it is just to realize that we have to ensure that we do things properly this time and that we cannot afford to rush change without understanding how we’ve created our consequence based on having neglected our sustain-ability and conviviality with all other life forms in this biosphere, I mean,  what would be the point of placing and implementing an equality system overnight if we haven’t yet realized our own responsibility and understood our individual participation within it? We would end up being less likely to realize where we fucked up in the first place, which is our ‘lesson to be learned,’ not to remain as culprits but to stand as self responsible within it.

 

Another perspective of how we’ve lived impatience is looking at how this fast-lane experience may drive a person to hire 100 employees paying them cents of dollar an hour in third world countries to sew the most clothes in the fastest manner, getting the most profit out of it and rejoicing in the ‘effectiveness’ of the business, where all that matters are numbers, profit, money, power caused by greed, a few people’s well being – and in this, the lives of such women and men –sometimes even children- what they are able to actually afford with such money, their physical conditions, their health, their mind experience while doing such mechanical enslaving jobs is absolutely Not taken into consideration: all that matters is build, build, build, produce, produce, produce, hurry, hurry, hurry,  sell, sell, profit, profit, profit – repeat. This is just an example to see where we stand within this chain-of-consumption wherein we are the only species that have broken the natural cycles of  consumption and regeneration that the ecosystems have, and all because we could not wait that much to get the next set of fish to sell. Our impatience has lead to continue scavenging without a thought other than satisfying our acquired needs in the fastest possible way.

 

The current problem we’re facing has been developed throughout time without any inkling of consideration or awareness to realize what is it that we were turning into a good, a service, a commodity = it was life all the way and now we want ‘change’ and we want it now – it is certainly not possible, nor would it be beneficial for humanity either because even when facing the current consequences, there’s a vast majority that simply do not care at all to think for a moment about their lives and what they are actually living off and for, and that’s quite a mind-crisis that is existing as the massive forces that are making this entire machinery just continue self-indulging wherein, maybe, they are also aware that things are not precisely working for everyone, but no one is taking the initiative to do something about it, and that’s the problem, because we then rode in complacency to get ourselves to this current problem we’re in, only hoping and believing that the aftermath would not affect us in our lifetime, but that is rather inevitable at this stage, since we have postponed our Time to Change for so long. And of course we ‘re all included on that same boat.

 

We have often said: we don’t require to get to the bottom of the pit and seeing everything lost to stand up and realize that we all have to collectively support this change, however only a few are listening and that’s the main reason why this process is quite slow yet with a certain outcome.

At a personal level, I am not doing this because I am expecting to be readily benefited by establishing a new system, If I do, then that would be a ‘gift,’ but it’s not my aim or goal, it is instead an understanding of the responsibility we hold toward one another and this world-system as our creation, nothing more and nothing less. This is thus a process we decide to walk as a matter of principle, because we see it makes sense to establish Equality as the foundation of our way of living and interacting with one another, because we see the potential of world change if we all get to the same agreement. And this is thus at the stage we’re at.

 

Of course, the conditions and situations that may escalate might lead us to prompt solutions, however this is in all cases also something that will have to be known by a majority and a majority that is willing to act through working together, placing aside any personal/selfish interests and consider that our survival depends on the collective effort we join toward the same outcome, which is how it always should have been. 

 

We might see this as a slow process when we’ve spent thousands of years crafting this perfect bubble of enslavement without a care.  So, I suggest to reconsider the approach of wanting to speed up this process and wanting to see the world changed – because mostly these type of express-changes lead to armed revolutions that force change through violent means and instigate further clashing and collapsing of the system through ways that usually generate more harm and abuse on the way.

 

What really matters is us realizing/ understanding Self Responsibility and learn how to stand in agreements to support each other and do what’s best for all as a matter of principle, not so much from the vantage point of wanting to have it done now, but instead realizing that if we had in any way the magic wand to quantum-solve this problem and we would have ‘known better,’ we would not be at this world stage at the moment. Therefore Patience is developed breath by breath, moment by moment with the firm decision of getting this done, no matter how long it takes, being certain about living as the solution, and that’s our individual responsibility.

 

Here some quotes from past writings on Patience:

 

Patience sounds like ‘pace’ – I have defined physical pace as the point of self-direction in every moment that I allow myself to breathe, here, stable, constant and consistently wherein space and time is considered, wherein I am no longer existing as the rush of the mind, trying to perpetuate an idea of having to ‘do everything as fast as possible’ and recharging the self-belief and self-definition of competing against time, against myself, against others within the perception that I must always be on the top of the spear.

Patience is then allowing myself to equalize myself as the physical, as breath wherein I stop any rush of the mind to ‘get things done’ in separation of the moment that I am here, practically and physically doing it, directing myself within it/ as it- instead of projecting/ ejecting myself as a lightning bolt into the future wherein I ‘win’ and I then add it to the self-kept score of lifetime achievements.

 

Hence the process here is to get ourselves back to ourselves to stand one and equal with no dimensional shifts of delusions like ‘having to be there’ and ‘attaining’ something, but walking self-equality and oneness within the ability to stand one and equal as the points that I see are supportive for me to accept and live within the consideration of self-creation in every moment that I live Patience as physically breathing and walking every moment here, remaining within the consideration of space and time reality to live the process of self-correction in every moment as breath, as the physical – instead of projecting it as an idea in my own mind that ‘must be done’ but simply live it.

2012 Sculpting in Time: Patience

 

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Impatience

Impatience – in pain shuns

Being called ‘Ms. anxiety’ was not a matter of casualty – this is the way that my mother would call me whenever I would get desperate and anxious to get things done in the moment I wanted, whenever I wanted and as I wanted it, which is a pattern I had/have lived throughout my life. I now see it as her having to deal with a female version of my father in the role of ‘her daughter’ whenever I  I would play out this pattern from a very early age in my life.

I would see the culmination of this when throwing tantrums every time that things didn’t go ‘my way.’ I would create and compound these energies that I would only ‘discharge’ in deliberate ways when I would exert them out in the form of what I could call extreme anger possessions. These were moments wherein in the middle of a tantrum I would go into a room or the bathroom in extreme anger and, in my mind being very, very pissed off about something which was usually linked to my pet peeves at that age. In between the crying while backchatting myself to sustain the ‘anger’ within me, I would take my body to a state of absolute shock until I would experience the type of chills that take over your entire body. In such moments after experiencing that ‘peak’ of anger wherein I could feel and experience all my nerves ‘piking up,’  I would then slow down, and then mostly remaining crying in guilt and even a form of pity toward myself, because of realizing that I was physically harming my body whenever I took myself to that point, I would even fear for my heart suddenly paralyzing in such moments. I guess this was my first ability to understand self-abuse at a physical level from which I would tell myself not to do it again, I can even remember giving little kisses to my arms because I could experience a great pain afterwards throughout my entire body which was obviously not cool to walk through. It was almost the same experience I would get when having to vomit when being sick.

So, back to here and how this came up.

I just experienced a pain on the top of my back and I saw that it emerged after walking through a point of having to answer someone’s posts while keeping it as simple and as common sensical as possible without allowing me to get frustrated and irritated by ‘the other person simply ‘not getting it’ without realizing that self-support must be here, unconditional and without any form of experience being created within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shun away the point of applying self forgiveness for experiencing ‘impatience’ just because of thinking ‘I can handle it’ which is actually a point of ego wherein I am mostly not facing the point as myself and being aware of what I am participating at a thought level, and just ‘shunning it away’ to not realize that I am still reacting in frustration and irritation when having to explain something to someone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an entire physical tenseness where my jaw is mostly tense and in pain as I read through the words that I have to reply to and judging the person as ‘inept’ for not being able to ‘get it,’ within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional experience of anger, irritation and frustration which I perceive as ‘impatience’ only once that I have accepted and allowed the backchat to keep going eventually manifesting as an entire physical experience of pain and discomfort which is here reminding me that I cannot just pretend that ‘I can handle it’ and not face the experience that I am creating within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create impatience out of wanting others to see as I see and understand at the same rate I understand and within this, not taking into consideration the the other person’s context and background which is what I must take into consideration before continuing creating any judgment upon another, which is simply unacceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert anger onto others through written words when becoming frustrated and irritated and get even more irritated if I see no ‘reaction’ within them either, which is quite a fuckup because I have become used to fighting others within anger and this irritation toward others that then becomes an irritation exerted toward the entire world without seeing/ realizing that such irritation and frustration is only toward myself, accumulated from my own procrastination to direct myself effectively.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own irritation and accumulated frustration toward others whenever I perceive others to be ‘too slow’ to get it or having to explain the same point several times.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that ‘everything is fine’ because the person perceives that I am being ‘patient’ through answering all the questions and feeling ‘good’ because the person is ‘getting it’ apparently, while in fact I am not being patient within myself, only writing in away that is able to be understood – however I take responsibility for my inner experience and STOP existing in this inner experience even if it is not noticeable through my words, so this is about allowing myself to be Self Honest about it, give myself this time to write about it and then continue walking which is cool and self supportive.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to breathe every moment that I see this energetic experience of tension and impatience coming up which manifests as this entire tension in my jaw which leads me to have thoughts about just wanting to punch something/ someone lol even if I cannot see myself doing that in real life, but the experience is just like that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate energy as anger and frustration toward myself and exerting it out on to others as and through backchat which is only causing me to experience the effect of such accumulated energy as pain, instead of realizing that I can breath through it and disperse/ diffuse the point as I see it and experience it in the moment, breathing, here, not allowing myself to go into thoughts judging myself and others in that moment and not taking self responsibility for what I am experiencing, which eventually has nothing to do with ‘others’ but myself only.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be unconditionally here, absolutely here as myself replying and commenting toward others but creating a particular stance toward particular beings according to how I read them, how I see them and how I have formed a judgment around them. This is unacceptable and I see and realize that I am able to simply direct any point in common sense, unconditionally, regardless of ‘who’ the person is and within this, allowing myself to direct myself to not participate in any reaction, but only work with the words that are here to write and direct in means of self support for both parties one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as impatience in the past as a form of superiority when thinking that others are ‘too slow’ for myself which has lead me to drop out in many cases, just because of ‘having to wait for others’ and within this sabotaging my ability to stand one and equal as others as well as not completing that which I could have completed if I had been patient enough.

This made me remember that German course, well I took German twice in my life, basic courses and I dropped out of both mostly because of perceiving that everyone was too slow and the course was too repetitive whereas I wanted to ‘speed up’ and advance as fast as possible – within this I would blame the rest of the class for being inconsistent and not supportive to go faster through the courses. I lead myself to step in my superiority position and dropping out, deeming it to be ‘too slow’ for me, which lead me to simply ditch German courses altogether to my own detriment, because I simply didn’t continue out of this fucked up ‘pride’ of being ‘too fast’ for those courses – the joke was obviously only on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people according to being ‘too slow’ for myself and within this only sabotaging myself as the opportunity to support me to slow down within my ambitions of ‘getting it done’ and ‘having things done’ as fast as possible, which is just a preprogrammed ‘treat’ of myself as a perfectionist, wanting to have everything just ‘done’ and ‘ready’ and ‘perfect’ in one go, while in reality this doesn’t work that way.

We actually have to Walk through the process of realizing that we are not alone in this world, we cannot possibly ‘run’ and ‘speed’ in our own bubble – I mean if we look at the example of those people that speed their cars, they are only caring for their own either timeframe or simple enjoyment of driving fast – which I see I enjoy lol – without actually caring about potential outcomes as accidents that may occur from such ‘speeding.’ I have judged these people as ‘inconsiderate’ without realizing that I have done the same as well, not ‘speeding a car’ because I don’t even drive yet, but speeding in my mind and wanting things and people to be ‘on the same page’ all the time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people as ‘inconsiderate’ when not slowing down and taking others into consideration when speeding up while driving, without realizing that I have been in essence playing out the same pattern but in relation to interacting with people and the general way of ‘carrying myself’ which is that of a constant ‘hurry.’

So, I’m aware of this constant hurry and almost ‘anxiety’ of how I have lived my life. This has substantially diminished, I mean, I would get this anxiety mixed with nervousness even by having to get out of my house and go downtown and having to walk through streets to get somewhere, which can be equated to ‘having to complete any task’ in my reality. There were hundreds of fears and thoughts going through my mind all the time as I would ride there, as I would step down of the bus and walk around – a lot of self judgment and fear which would lead me to hurry around the whole time until I would get to a ‘safe spot’ such as the coffee shop lol.

So, I can speak from how through walking these ‘usual habits’ through self forgiveness I have been able to stop such experiences by simply breathing through any single thought that could emerge indicating any form of nervousness, anxiety or any other fear within such simple activity like ‘going out of my house’ which I have defined as ‘safe spot.’

Through supporting ourselves to stop these experiences, we’re able to then see how such experiences are not only related to or limited to being physically moving or facing others, but are able to come up within our internet interactions. I can see this is one of the ‘shades’ of this constant hurry I would exist as, a constant exigency to have things done ‘my way’ and ‘as fast as possible’ while I would then deem the rest of the world was just ‘too slow’ for me, only sabotaging myself and miss the opportunity to slow down because of thinking that ‘everyone was wrong and too slow for me,’ instead of realizing: I am the one that must slow down, I am the one that must stand here as every breath wherein it is futile trying to ‘breath faster’ or anything like that. I mean, imagine if our physical bodies would suddenly decide to either be ‘too slow’ some days or ‘too fast’ other times – sure, metabolisms work differently because of various factors according to different people – however, it is constant as that organism’s nature. This is how we have to equalize ourselves to, that physical pace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ‘exigent’ toward others without realizing that I am not living that point of optimum living myself, by the single fact of such exigency coming from a personality/ ego pattern that is not in relation to the physical pace of our own breathing, of our own living process that is here moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within a ‘demanding’ stance toward others without realizing that I haven’t applied this toward myself and my own application unconditionally – hence it is ludicrous to ask or be expecting anything from anyone about something that I haven’t even lived by and applied for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate ‘speed’ and doing things as ‘fast as possible’ with being efficient.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father for having this constant ‘rush’ as a continual form of existing without realizing that I was living out and playing out the exact same patterns in my world.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop this mutual acceptance with my father as a form of ‘empathy’ within our own mindfucks, which is how I would then enjoy going out with him because of how fast he moves and how ‘efficient’ he is in everything he does.

I would enjoy walking with him because I would have to push myself to walk as fast as he would and in that, I simply pushed myself to become equal to that which I admired of him. As I have explained, is not that this is ‘good or bad’ but it is simply to place now this point and walk it in common sense where it is now very clear how within me existing in this constant rush and desire for ‘speed’ and ‘effectiveness’ I am limiting myself within a single frame of mind that prevents me from walking this point in equality within the consideration of What’s Best for All, which is then realizing I must live this point in common sense = considering each persons’ context before reacting or judging another for whatever I have compared myself to them.

I see how in essence this is how it works: we are constantly comparing ourselves with others when having any form of reaction or experience.

Thus, this point I take as a way to place into perspective how hurrying is literally a mindfuck, rushing everything in my mind then links to some form of ‘worry’ and unnecessary anxiety that becomes ‘frustration’ because of not having things working as I expect them to work out. This is how we usually then become our own mindfucks to deal with, this is how we do it all to ourselves.

Sticking to physical reality is then realizing: I am here as breath, I move and direct each point as I read through the words and reply in common sense without expecting or wanting a particular outcome wherein I can be ‘satisfied’ about others’ understanding. I simply direct each point as it is here on my screen, without holding any idea/ belief or perception accumulated over time on a particular ‘someone’ because I see and realize that this is in no way about ‘others’ but myself only.

Point by point, moment by moment we walk here and we stop ‘unleashing the dragon’ out of nowhere – apparently – and instead make sure we don’t accumulate all of these thoughts eventually becoming physical pain to ‘deal with.’

Such forms of abuse are unnecessary, we do it to ourselves = we take self responsibility.

Breathe.

Not Breathing

Patience– the mommy of all virtues


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