Tag Archives: infatuation

580. Learning to Appreciate Myself

 

Or how I’ve walked through consequences of feeling ‘lonely’ and how I would create relationships from that starting point to where I currently am in transforming such emotional experience into an appreciation, understanding and embracing of myself and others as equals.  

 

I’ve been reflecting on several things these past days and one thing that I want to share about is realizing how I’ve  accepted and allowed to ‘give into’ a point of comfort and in a way ‘settling for the least’ in the past in order to stand in a point of perceived or believed ‘security’, of having ‘no-conflict’, of having certain apparent ‘control’ over someone or a situation and how that has eventually led me to create what I feared happening as the starting point of ‘who I am in my creation,’ which might seem like something ‘shitty’ to happen in one’s life, but as I share my story, it’s actually gotten me or ‘forced me’ to be at the place where I eventually had to be at, which is here.

For example, in relationships I had the tendency to create a relationship of dependency with the other person where I would ‘give myself’ to them and attempt to give them that which I believed and perceived they weren’t giving to themselves, which I used as a way to also ‘secure’ the relationship, to make sure they would not ‘run away’ because: no one else was giving that to them, not even themselves. And this is then covered up or disguised as a ‘benevolent act’ of trying to help another or ‘caring’ for another, and it is interesting because I actually knew what I was doing at the time but I would still decide in a conscious way to deceive myself, my self-honesty, and ‘do it anyways’ which is linked to another type of pattern that I’ve faced quite a bit in my life which is ‘rebelling’ against that anyone would advise me to do, where I would automatically just ‘do it because I’ve been told not to’ and not seeing through the actuality of the situation, which of course ends up only in showing myself the consequence of simply ‘doing it’ out of rebellion and not considering reality in its totality – learned lesson.

What I’ve realized in this is that no one can ever ‘warn us’ or ‘tell us’ what to do or not to do, because even if anyone reaches out to say so, we still have the ultimate decision on what we do and create. Therefore it’s actually quite a gift to acknowledge this responsibility, because there is nothing and no one to blame, but it is simply a deep realization that one can only ever deceive oneself. I definitely knew that I had been setting myself up for failure or future consequence and outcomes that would represent or ‘by default’ become the result of my very flawed starting points in, for example, creating a relationship which was standing in the shape of fear, fear of being alone, fear of ‘missing out’ on some experiences etc. or seen as a desire to ‘be complete’ in one way or another.  

If my starting point in my past relationships had been that of seeking a comfort zone where I would not be ‘left alone’ because of making the other person ‘dependent on me’ to ‘be ok within themselves’ and where they would not be in essence ‘good enough’ for themselves, then there was also that possibility of me having a certain control as in ‘ensuring the relationship’ or having this person in my life – apparently, again – which is completely flawed In the sense that it is a deceptive and self-interest starting point, because if I create something from the starting point of fear, wanting to dominate, wanting to control and in essence doing it all from the fear of ‘not being alone’ or ‘fear of being alone’ or ‘missing out’ or whatever else, well! Such apparently hidden starting point would eventually manifest the outcome of me having to stop a relationship because such consequences of choosing a flawed starting point would eventually come out in ways that I could foresee could happen before, but because of holding on to a ‘hope’ – which is in fact holding on to a convenient comfort-zone of wishing and thinking things will ‘go well in the end’ which is translated into ‘I hope that the truth of this deception won’t ever hit the fan’ type of thing – I simply kept the ball of deception rolling. 

But, who am I within such a decision? Yes, I was in fact existing in fear, in the constant suspense of something eventually happening that will force us to ‘break up’ because I simply knew that such possibility was there when I know I am not standing full, complete, whole within myself, but still creating a relationship from having at that time in my life felt ‘alone’ and so creating an idea of taking someone I could ‘support’ and ‘be with’ as a comfort zone masked or disguised as ‘support’ when in fact the actuality is that it was a way to not ‘feel alone’ anymore, which for sure had been a constant in my life up to that point.

So in essence I set myself up for failure in those situations and this is something I was aware of at a conscious level, yet! I did it anyways. And this is the point of self-sabotage that I want to share about as well as a self-reminder of how at times even when there’s this plain awareness of ‘self-sabotage’ about something, I’ve decided to ‘do it anyways’ based on deciding to go for the experience, to make decisions based on fears that are linked to ‘feelings’ and hopes and expectations, which are all non substantial reasons to make a decision such as who you’d like to spend your life with. And I knew it and I did it anyways, and I got my result to in a way bluntly show me and go through the experience of ‘this is what I decided to do, this is what I set myself up for’ which sure, it’s not a ‘pleasant’ experience, but in my case a very necessary one because after repeating this pattern for so many times in my life – almost in every single relationship I’ve had – it was about time I had to face some more ‘real-time’ outcomes that involved not only me and the other person but many more in it so that I could finally take my life seriously in that sense and stop hoping or dreaming of ‘changes’ happening according to my desired outcome.

What I’ve learned from this and from having repeatedly done this in my life is that I in a way decided to go through it almost to prove to myself – once again – why and how this cannot work, going through the somewhat ‘traumatizing’ situation of having to sort out an actual separation even in legal matters to now fully comprehend how ‘easily’ I gave into faith, hope and fear as the starting point of a relationship that had to end the way it did, because my starting point was flawed and I knew it all the way.

Now, something I’ve also learned is to not judge myself for it. I could be whining and saying I ‘lost’ x amount of time of my life, but I’ve instead managed to as with everything take it as a learning curve, getting to understand and see ‘who I was’ in every step of the way of such relationships, and it’s not the ‘me’ that is here as myself any longer – which is great – yet it is still a part of who I had been most of my life and it’s not something that’s just ‘gone’ but it is there and I am aware that I can decide to become that again or not, which is the same with any other patter, situation or conflictive experience within ourselves: we might have ‘gone past it’ now, but as with anything the potential is always there to recreate it if I decide to do so, it’s always up to me.

However I’ve now seen that it is only through this last consequence I created that I managed to ‘finally’ make a click within me and see what I was settling-with essentially. And here it’s not about diminishing or judging, criticizing ‘the other person’ at all. It is about what I decided, what my choices were, what my excuses, reasons and justifications were and how in full awareness of what I was doing and placing myself into, I simply ‘did it anyway’ in a form of blind faith and seeking some benefits and perceived convenience that led me to eventually yes, thankfully and through a sour consequence, burst the bubble and go back to square one of self-honesty.

Where I currently am in my life is definitely a different place, one where I know I would be prone to repeat myself if I follow ‘the same steps’ I’ve followed in my life before when it comes to relationships, and this time I’ve made sure that I get to focus on myself and fully see ‘who am I’ within this ‘aloneness’ point that had gotten me to seek out some kind of dependency before.

How have I gotten to do it? This process if for once ‘it’, there is no other way to get to appreciate me other than getting to know myself, every step of the way, learn to not judge me but understand my decisions, paths, choices and learn from it. Stopping for example creating some kind of obsessions and infatuations about people – of which I’ve been quite prone to do in the past – and instead get to appreciate me, live me, enjoy me, value me and this is something that has taken some time for sure, it’s all about making the decision to see myself with the same pair of eyes that I have tended to look at other people – specially males of course in my case – which I would turn into a form of attraction, desire or even ‘love’ and I’ve continued to test this out as I’ve been sharing in the past months with how I’ve been dealing with some points of ‘attraction’ or dare I call it ‘infatuation’ which has been quite a life-long habit in my life and I’ve finally learned to see it with a different set-of-eyes.

Last night I was watching an interview by another one of those people I have had what I can define as an ‘attraction to’ – yep another artist, etc. – and I definitely enjoy testing ‘who I am’ when seeing them, hearing their words, seeing how they move/express and seeing what moves within me. This time I noticed it has changed from how I would look at the person a few years ago and all that I would get is this slight churning within my solar plexus which is what I’d define as attraction and just leave it at that. Believing that ‘yes I like their personality’ and that’s it, but the reality is that I wasn’t looking any deeper than that because I wasn’t looking WITHIN myself deep enough, I wasn’t seeing myself as living words, I wasn’t seeing myself as these qualities that I actually enjoy about me, but was constantly looking ‘outside of myself’ for that, and the most common way was through creating ‘idols’ as in people I would admire – in the case of women – or develop these infatuations and attractions towards males.

So this time, I realized that what emerged within me was a sense of recognition of the other being for who they are, what they express, how they’ve come to be themselves and simply appreciate it, being thankful as well that there’s people in this world that throughout time I’ve been able to listen to and ‘get to know’ even in these very limited ways like through interviews or their creations and instead of only leaving my experience at a point of ‘excitement’ about them or infatuation, I’ve been able to transform that into a learning, appreciating the words that they are living within and as themselves.

 There was no longer that ‘desire’ in me, or that fleeting energetic bubble bursting up, in fact after I decide to face this ‘attraction’ in seeing, hearing them I am able to make a clear decision of changing the way in which I see another human being and instead turn that into an ‘embracing’ of sorts, which now that I see it is also what I would like any other person to do onto myself as well. I would definitely not want to be in their shoes and having someone being infatuated and obsessed ‘with me,’ because that surely is quite a point of separation to exist in, as I was existing in in terms of the actual relationships I formed and the relationships that I’d create in my mind in relation to all of these people that at one point or another I developed relationships with in my mind for the most part.

So, after watching that interview I realized how much I had transformed people – well males specifically – into objects of desire, of wanting to ‘possess’ someone because of what I believed I would get ‘from them,’ whereas now I am definitely at a place where there’s this self-fulfillment where I no longer go seeking this ‘other person’ to ‘fulfill me’ or ‘give me’ or ‘be for me’ that which I haven’t been able to live for myself. I can only now share myself, walk with, learn from and possibly contribute back, but that’s about it, there’s no ‘need’ any longer as I used to experience it in the context of personal relationships.

I’ve also seen how there has been this tendency throughout my life of expecting someone to ‘come into my life’ and appreciate me, value me for all that I am and have been through or have realized about myself, and every single time there’s that expectation within me, I’ve ended up disappointed, because it’s of course a flawed starting point, a desire for ‘someone else’ to do that which I hadn’t done for myself which is again appreciate me, enjoy me, be actually quite ‘fascinated’ by myself – and not in the narcissist kind of way lol – but in truly realizing that: I cannot ever fully share every single detail and moment of my life that I only know how I’ve gone through it, what I’ve developed within myself in every step of the way and have another ‘appreciate me’ for that. I can only do that for myself because I am the only one that has always ever been there with me, and this self-relationship and realization of ‘I got me and I will always do’ is quite a substantial one that I had known and become aware of at a ‘theory’ level, but I had not genuinely expressed that as a true form of embracing, gratitude and appreciation to myself, which is see if very much here now which I now am able to extend to anyone else according to what I express and give first to me. Which is how I realized I was able to change the ‘pair of eyes’ with which I look at people – again specially males I’ve been attracted to – and take from each ‘what’s best’ what words I see I can integrate from them within myself and ‘complete me’ that way, get to live what I yearned of others.

How does this ‘feel’ like or ‘translates’ to? Being comfortable with myself, with being alone as well and so being comfortable towards others too. I used to be the kind that was constantly yearning to not be alone or be in a relationship to have some constant companion and something to ‘focus on’ or ‘be for’, but I’ve realized and seen how I am quite fine by myself and that translates to being also quite fine and comfortable when being with a partner. Surely, I enjoy being sharing, expressing with another but even that would not be a constant point of stability, enjoyment, sharing and expression if I had not first developed myself within this path I just described and gotten to start living these words for and as myself first, so that a relationship therefore doesn’t become another ‘dependency’ point which I’m seeing is definitely possible as well and something that’s quite ‘new’ to me too.

Many times people having similar patterns to the one I’ve just described in relation to ‘relationships’ as the ‘weakness point’ in one’s life, we tend to make of relationships that ‘completion’ point, and I’ve been looking at this quite intently and testing myself out in the way I see people that for example I used to be ‘attracted to’ because of liking their expression or their skills or ‘ways of being’ and principles, values etc. And last night as I mentioned, I realized I no longer turn that into some kind of ‘physical attraction’ or ‘desire’ to have a relationship with that person, but instead has become a seeing within another their potentials, their ‘wisdom’ if you will as their very unique and individual experiences and expression. I decided to no longer look at another through the eyes of ‘infatuation’ or ‘I want to have a relationship with you so that I can have that which I see you are/have,’ but instead I take the words that I see or perceive they are embodying and living and make them part of myself, and some other things I simply appreciate them for, for what they stand for and do which at times it’s something quite unique and that I can only see and understand is an expression of what’s ‘here’ as ourselves and that’s it, embrace it, enjoy it- but not try and ‘possess it’ anymore, which is very liberating.

I am more learning to see people as equals in fact, not as ‘objects of desire’ which is of course a point of separation from myself. I’m learning to see and appreciate others for who they are and no longer go ‘wishing’ or ‘desiring’ a relationship as a ‘short cut’ to actually get to live and be ‘that’ for myself, which is a very cool position to be at really, it stops a lot of the ‘mindfucks’ and instead it has opened myself up a true appreciation of someone’s existence, someone’s expression, someone’s work, someone’s words and experiences for what they are.

I was laughing at myself last night when seeing this because I never thought I would be in that position of being able to ‘appreciate’ another human being at that level, where it is devoid of a ‘feeling’ or ‘fears’ but simply in the expression of ‘I see you’ and in a way appreciating ‘who they are’ as their expression, that ‘role’ or part of life they represent. I used to be the kind that would even disregard everything that I’ve learned from fellow humans in my ever-constant idea that there was ‘no point’ in life and that we should all just be doomed to be washed away from the face of the Earth. It’s been a long walk since I was living that kind of statements, I was sooo limited! So veiled by my own emotions and minimized view of myself and so of the rest of the world, but I don’t judge it, it’s just what it is, I am rather thankful and grateful I didn’t give up on myself and have continued to push through and get to where I am now.

It is so that I could not have gotten myself to see, express and realize these things before at all, it’s all ‘here’ right now as a result of all the years of self work through and with the Desteni tools and yes, some very necessary consequences in my life, some ‘hard spots’ to go through for me to understand the starting point of my creation and the consequences that I create when making decisions based on desires, hope, feelings and fears and now realizing more about myself, getting to appreciate myself more than ever before – not to place my on a pedestal as superiority here either – but simply in that realization of how I’ve come to where I am currently and no longer judging me for all of the past decisions, mistakes, deception that I’ve participated on, but understanding it as what in a way I decided to walk through to teach me something, to show me in real time and manifested consequences what happens if I miss ‘myself’ in the equation of my life and so instead turn that ‘missing’ into a me-is-here, realizing I’ve got potential, I decide what to live and express, up to me and my possibilities and willingness to do it, which is in fact a very liberating and expansive realization.

Thanks for reading.

 

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Day 29: Bite Back for More

A way to see backbite is when talking/ thinking/ using another person as a way to create ideas, beliefs perceptions as thoughts that become ‘the flavor of the week’ in our minds, in order to make ourselves ‘feel’ something that we have defined as ‘good/ positive/ fulfilling’– how? When and while we keep ourselves busy thinking about someone/ something, we are giving away all our attention and focus to generate thoughts – and even feelings/ emotions – toward something/ someone that we are essentially using to occupy our minds while they are Not in fact HERE in our physical immediacy. In other words: backchatting/ fantasizing about others to entertain ourselves.

 

So in terms of backbite only talking maliciously or ‘unkindly’ about someone that is absent, can also mean being thinking about someone and using that someone as a crutch to create experiences within ourselves for the sake of our own satisfaction. Yes, as crude as it sounds when placed in such a way, this is what the usual ‘Thinking of you’ type of attitude manifests to the point where obsessions escalate until it becomes an absolute possession as uncountable breaths are entirely disregarded to keep up such energetic thrill going on, and all that remains is then a tremendous hangover once that we realize what the hell have we actually in fact done: using the idea that we have created of someone in our minds in order to generate any form of experience that is either ‘good’/ positive or ‘bad’/ negative, which is backchat that we have  become so used-to that stopping it is experienced with withdrawal symptoms, which results in not getting our ‘thrill’ in place –  just like in any other type of addiction.

 

This is why Self Honesty is not nice or beautiful, it’s like stopping sugar. Such instant custom-made gratification that we are able to produce in the confines of our mind is simply ‘too sweet’ to let go of – why? Because it makes us ‘feel’ something- whether it is negative or positive, it’s still a state of mind that will take us from pole to pole to continue existing as that spark that keeps the fire alive as consciousness within ourselves.

Furthermore, we have created such infatuations in our own mind = they are only thoughts/ beliefs/ ideas that we have allowed ourselves to generate and create further experiences about – it’s never about ‘them,’ it’s always about each one of us that creates the mindfuck.

 

Needless to say, this type of thinking and behavior is commonly accepted and encouraged in our reality – it is seen as harmless/inoffensive without realizing that the only consequence is and must be faced by the creator of such backbite, which is each one of us that have used the idea/ belief and image of another for the sake of creating a certain experience within ourselves, which in this case will be with regards to making myself feel ‘good’ about ‘me’ through using others as a crutch to sustain that positive experience. 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce another being to being simply an idea in my mind that I use in order to satisfy my own moments while recreating and replaying the idea in my mind as something that ‘I enjoy,’ which is recognizing that words, pictures, images are able to possess me into the point of infatuation, wherein all obsessions are fed with words, pictures, thoughts that I then give enough power to in order to continue existing in such a ‘thrill’ in my own mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what which I am ‘fantasizing’ about has in no way any possible real, direct correlation of the actual reality of the subject matter, as it is all created in my own mind for the sake of generating a momentary satisfaction that takes me from my state of seeking ‘something’ to entertain myself with wherein a point is created through giving it constant and continuous attention, building up enough energy as backchat/ thoughts and in that, start experiencing this positive experience wherein because this energy overrides common sense, I  lose my ground and eventually stop focusing on breathing and give myself into thinking/ fantasizing/ day dreaming, which is using thoughts as a crutch for a positive experience about something/ someone – in this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get to a point of excitement through constantly feeding the idea about something/ someone that is effectively creating a positive experience within myself, wherein then such point requires regular attention and in that, losing my own physical awareness of being here, breathing and directing myself in my physical reality which requires no energy for me to continue existing as all that I am is the physical body grounding myself to physical activities that don’t require for a constant energetic experience for me to move.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and generate thoughts about another as a trigger point to generate a ‘good feeling’ within me wherein I give my power away as in using my physical body to carry the consequences of me having lived a life of seeking the next greatest excitement, without being actually aware of what is it that I am in fact consuming while existing in such mind-projections, which is always self as substance, as life being used and abused for the sake of my own personal entertainment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only now see how deluded and abusive it is to hold thoughts as a crutch to create an experience within us, wherein I was making the statement: ‘this physical reality is not enough for me to think that I am alive’ – and in that, disregarding the very breath that I take to generate such a life-degrading thought that can only exist when and due to me having defined ‘who I am’ as energy, as a personality that seeks to be constantly reinforced through ‘triggers’ from ‘the outside world,’ to keep existing as a the ‘I feel/ I think’ human that is only defined as an energetic experience.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce who I am of/as substance of equality and oneness into a single idea/ belief of myself as a certain energized set of characteristics that seek out for words/characters/pictures to generate enough backchat that is accumulated until the positive experience as self-created reward is experienced to the point of instant ‘satisfaction,’ until the experience runs out again as any other energetic experience, wherein I then proceed to continue ‘searching’ for more points to give enough attention to build up as energetic experiences that I can rejoice about, which is only  thought, emotions related.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is actually about another person that I am ‘thinking’ about, which is only the idea that I have created about someone/ something that serves as the ignition point for me to continue generating, thoughts and giving them enough attention to eventually lose myself from being here in the physical an instead, existing as a set of predictable patterns in my own mind that seek to create an energetic feeling such as excitement and curiosity, which lead me to act in a rather rushed and clumsy manner, as I am not here breathing/ walking/ existing only in the physical, but fueling a constant coming an going of thoughts that serve no other purpose than being the necessary wood to keep the initial fire I started alive.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it socially acceptable and even promoting it through cultural clutches like songs, movies, pictures, books, images to make it seem perfectly ‘normal’ to have the thought of something/ someone in your mind in order to generate a positive experience within you, which becomes nothing else than a lollipop that we are constantly licking to keep the sugary experience as feelings ‘alive,’ which is then realizing that we have become addicts to our own mind wherein it is never about ‘another’ in fact, but only the relationship formations we’ve created toward a point that we perceive is separate from ourselves.

 

I forgive myself that I never stopped for a moment to question why I had to have the thought of something/ someone as a constant and continuous thought pattern that I would be constantly fueling and generating an energetic experience about it while having no actual physical interaction or living-out of the point in reality, which implies that I gave myself away completely to exist as a set of thoughts to fuel an experience that can only exist if I consume me of/as substance and transform such unconditional life that I take into essentially mind garbage that keeps my ego in place, that keeps me preoccupied with useless bullshit that has no direct correlation to my physical reality in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse myself and others by reducing them to be simply ‘thoughts in my head,’ which reveals to what extent we have never in fact had an actual relationship with others as we have only always communicated to our own minds as personalities and pictures that we form judgments/ ideas upon, which implies that we become the actual separators from equality when abdicating the physicality as the only reality that exists in equality, and accepting separation as mind definitions of ‘who we are’ as personalities toward one another, which is all that we have ever believed ourselves to be: a person/ personality that interacts with other persons/ personalities that ‘get along well’ because of ‘being similar’ and in that, continue the propagation of sectarianism in society wherein all that we identify ourselves with is ideas, pictures, thoughts, experiences instead of standing one and equal to that which is real and requires no differentiation/ specialized set of attributes as thoughts/ opinions/ beliefs to exist.

 

I see, realize and understand that the only point that I can trust is myself here breathing, that is the physical confirmation that I am here and that everything that I can do is direct my thoughts so that I can stand one and equal as the physical, as the mind, as the thoughts in conjunction to the immediate physical reality wherein no mind-energy is required to move, only physical energy that I consume to support me to move/ walk/ live/ direct myself in physical reality.

 

I see, realize and understand that it is only through me stopping this constant pattern of having to create a nice idea about someone in my head to make me ‘feel’ something that is generally ‘good,’ I am only fuelling my own tendency as a mind system to keep itself occupied taking all the energy from the physical and transforming it into fuel to generate an experience about that which has no physical-correlation to my reality at the moment, that which I don’t require to constantly ‘feed’ to continue existing.

 

I commit myself to stop using thoughts, pictures, imagination and ideas that I can create/ generate about something/ someone in my reality that I use as a crutch to create a positive experience within me, which eventually reaches its peak and must die, leaving a desire to re-experience, re-charge the same thought with ‘new inputs’ to keep the same energetic experience going, which is how I realize that it’s never about an actual person/ place/ event but only the very thoughts I create and eventually manifest as obsessions that are kept alive by myself only. This is how I take self responsibility to ensure that such Self-Interest system is stopped within me, as thoughts created to generate a ‘good experience’ is the basic existence to create a world wherein abuse is perpetuated in the name of such ‘good experiences.’

 

I commit myself to expose how that which is culturally accepted and promoted as infatuation and feeding our obsessions is only linked to the energetic-addictive system that we have all agreed to participate in the moment that we diminished ourselves to a single Idea of self that is fundamentally ‘flawed’ and ‘incomplete’ which is the state by ‘default’ that we have lived as a negative experience that seeks to get to a point of positive experience through using thoughts as a way to push the necessary personalized buttons and create energy to get to such climatic positive energy, which it wanes and decays only to get back to ‘where we started,’ which indicates that a new point/ relationship formation in my mind is created and fueled in order for me to get the most of it while I can.

 

I commit myself to expose how the nature of relationships can only exist as conflict and separation, as this is how we have accepted and allowed ourselves to ‘live’ as programs that are constantly seeking a positive energetic experience because of having diminished ‘who we are’ to a single personality that seeks recognition/ validation/ acceptance from other personalities equally ‘flawed’ to then become dependent on each other as energetic crutches wherein relationships become wells for energy to be sucked and sipped until it is dry and the next well is sought to continue the idea of life/ living going.

I’m the fire starter and I can only be the one that Puts the Fire Out

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