245. Sublimity and Ecstatic Self Experiences

 

When looking at the sublime and the end of the world relationship, there’s more of a physical  effect of the energy as an experience that I would participate in wherein the usual ‘setting’ was me listening to some music and painting that which I would get an entire energetic kick out of, finding my own ‘mysteries’ which weren’t mysteries but simply a way to keep myself waiting for something to happen that could change this world for better or total destruction.

To me total destruction made more sense according to what I was witnessing in our reality and as such, probably generated a fear in the first place toward this, later on turning it into a fascination that remained as part of my ‘topics’ and recurrent themes wherein I stated many times that I didn’t know what else to paint but the dread, suffering, destruction and all the usually seen as ‘negative’ aspects of reality, that’s probably one of the reasons I decided to study art, because I thought there was something very important to say with regards to making visible that which is usually feared, never really looking at how the experience in itself had become my actual excuse and justification when doing it, because there weren’t any actual ‘skills’ in the formal way of looking at ‘art,’ but just a desire to express – this is the point of separation here.

So, through my decision having been based upon energy as an experience I came to ‘enjoy,’ I became an energy junky for all things dramatic, gloomy, somber, macabre, lugubrious, destructive, decay, etc. This is part of the energetic experience that I exist as whenever I am not here simply breathing, it became ‘me’ to a physical extent that I would not be aware of how the totality of my physical expression was denoting this ‘dread’ and ultimately existing as a point of victimization, a ‘loud cry’ for some form of help, absolute drama and self-pity without ever considering I could simply support myself, take responsibility for my so-called ‘sadness’ and constant melancholia and focus on living, or actually learning how to live for the first time.

Throughout this process I have stabilized myself tremendously with regards to this constant ‘self-experience’ I’ve described above, that would veer toward seeing everything as too fucked to have any form of solution – I decided to stop being so full of myself and instead begin supporting me. I have managed to stop depressive moods as a ‘constancy’ within me and whenever it comes up, it is an experience that doesn’t last that much, because I cannot fool myself that easily any longer to ‘think’ myself into an experience, which is awesome but it is in fact a constant self dedication to Stop participating in energy and it’s like me for a moment talking to myself in relation to who I am in the moment and talk myself to get up and keep going.

 

When I am painting I am not creating any emotion any longer, it mostly actually serves as a point to just focus my attention out of words for a moment, there’s not a ‘longing’ for it since last time I deliberately thought I ‘wanted to paint,’ I realized that it was mostly the longing in itself that I was participating it, and it’s the typical experience wherein once you got what you want, you don’t want it anymore, because it wasn’t the thing/ activity/ moment or sometimes even the people themselves that we actually want to experience ourselves with or in, but only the constant friction and conflict that this ‘unattainable desire’ creates as a point of distraction and mind preoccupation.

 

Hence we are entering the realm of pictures and sounds as music. Now that’s the freaking nitty gritty stuff I haven’t dealt with as much, because of not knowing how to ‘deal’ with applying self forgiveness on the energetic experiences gotten from points like talking about the end of the world, listening to ‘overwhelming music,’ and watching anything that would make my body get these absolutely overwhelming chills which I defined according to me being a more ‘emotional person,’ which as I have walked in the past blogs, it was just another way of giving myself more of a ‘humane’ credit other than being  just a ‘smart/ intelligent person,’ that I didn’t want to be categorized as.

 

These end of the world paintings would be part of my ‘unspoken’ self-discourse  that I would mostly only paint but not speak about it, except for that time in high school that I participated in heated debates about it, lol, defending 2012 at all cost while arguing with my English teacher.

 

So, how I created this energetic ball of energetic experience:  I found the ‘right soundtrack’ to be listening to while doing my creations and voilá it became a constant element, even when taking pictures, always headphones on and looking reality as a movie I could glide through, focusing on my own dread and self-experience because, as any energetic experience, it doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative: we become hooked on any energetic experience.  And so, me being ‘hooked on emotions’ meant cultivating this constant self-view of life that was later on placed into paintings, hence the emotional attachment/ experience that I wanted people to ‘feel’ as well, and you know that entire dribble of art and emotions…

 

The sublime experience at a physical level, it is that type of excitement/excitation you experience throughout your physical body – sometimes it is like the usually called goosebumps, which I had asked specifically in relation to Godspeed’s music – which wasn’t only me since other forum member also asked about the same song and the same experience – which then made it clear that it was a usual systematic experience according to how I had defined such music to be. What were the emotions then?  This overwhelming experience that becomes just like any other energetic experience turns out to be quite addictive, hence the constant listening to such music wherein I had no regard to stop such energetic movements, but simply went on, fully believing that it was in fact me reacting with such overwhelming experience.

 

Now, I have practiced breathing throughout these chills that come up every time that this experience emerges automatically  – and this would be no different to when I would participate in me being in a mindset of ‘end of the world scenario’ and just being sad and gloomy for what the world had turned out to be – all of this self-interest as self experience obviously.

 

I remember when I was very little, it was around 91-92 and we were outside the house and people were into this hype of UFO’s being visiting and whatnot, and as we were looking up to the sky I experienced what I thought was extreme cold, but no, it was this quivering energetic sensation that we can call goosebumps/ chills and it would get to a point wherein I would quiver inside me. I have felt the same experience in any other point of absolute fear that I have even called attraction or fascination for something. This explains very well what this ‘overwhelming’ experience at a physical level actually is: an actual energetic experience. And, I must say that the reason why I became a music junky was precisely because of these experiences that I thought I liked, but it’s mostly due to all the energetic experiences I have added to the entire setting: painting/ thinking about all the death/ destruction and decay and listening to that music. This is how it became quite a ‘energetic cocktail’ of experiences that I cultivated within me: we got the thoughts, the emotional experience and the sounds becoming a single ‘atmosphere’ that I would experience as a form of individualized trance – it is no different really to simply being high on happiness or any other energetic experience, however it is my responsibility to be able to equalize myself to such experience that I had not really taken on because of actually lacking understanding on what this experience as excitement/overwhelming experience that I could define as ‘sublime’ experience – for a lack of a better word – was actually really about: just another point of fear turned into a fascination.

 

 

Self Forgiveness in this Sublime energetic experience:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to the experience of absolute fear as a point of fascination in relation to imagining and thinking about ‘the end of the world,’ wherein I believed that I was in fact enjoying thinking about it and constantly representing it through paintings and mixing it with music, without realizing that in this, I was only creating my own points of energetic experiences that I aligned myself to as a form of pleasure and delight, which is the ‘sublime’ experience wherein all that I would exist as is an energetic experience, a thrill and chills that I came to define as an enjoyable experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get hooked on emotions as an enjoyable experience simply because my life was too plain and I required some form of friction, conflict and excitement that I could create in a certain way –thus in this, using the point of creativity and music as a way to generate emotions and feelings so that I could exist as a mind experiencing itself, instead of me having been simply present within and throughout these creative explorations that I could have breathed through and express as a physical movement without thinking about it in order to FEEL something as an energetic movement which I believed would make the expression Real.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to Feel and become emotional to do any form of expression, simply because that’s what I learned from others: focusing on the ‘feeling’ of the expression which I then fabricated in my mind in relation to painting that which would cause any form of experience within me, hence the nature of the paintings being allusive to the end of the world, just because of how I had programmed myself to fear and then create an excitement about such end and represent it through painting and music creation with several emotions that could point out a negative emotional experience that I came to enjoy.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to reduce my expression, limiting and defining it according to the amount of energy as a physical effect that I could measure, wherein the more ‘excited’ or energetic thrill I would get while creating it along with the music, the thoughts, I would consider the expression to be more ‘real,’ and as such consider the opposite: the less I would get an energetic experience as an internal satisfaction of excitement while painting or after having finished, I would consider that I wasn’t really successful in my creation or that I was lacking some form of inspiration, wherein

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define dread, depression and a general negative emotional experience within me as the perfect state for creation, which comes from the beliefs that only through suffering and being experiencing a certain dread and negative experience about oneself could one be ‘genuine’ in art creation, which was the reason why the immediate words linked to art creation were emotions and feelings as expression.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my self expression as emotions and feelings and believe that they were indispensable components for me to express anything in a True manner/ way.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the true-me was actually only existent whenever I would access such overwhelming experiences that are even called ‘sublimation,’ as in almost having a spiritual revelation – not realizing that this was all me talking myself into the energetic experience as ‘my expression’ wherein the physical reality of myself was not really taken into consideration at all, hence

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberate direct myself to participate in activities that I defined as ‘real’ and ‘true’ such as art creation due to the emotional experiences I was able to experience through me talking myself into such experiences that would stem from a point of fear and then transformed into some constant depression, woe and dread about life that I came to embody as a constant self experience for quite some time.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to enjoy experiencing this ‘sublime experience’ that is actually a lot of fear that I turned into a fascination as the ability for the mind to actually benefit from me participating in such ‘sublime experience’ and recreating it through painting, hearing music or writing about all things miserable such as destruction, decay, death, end of the world, my own ‘sad and lonely’ self experience, which became my own Doom as a constant mood that I believed was ‘my nature,’ without realizing that I was limiting myself to a single energetic experience defined as negative and that was it, I didn’t investigate it further but simply accepted and allowed myself to cultivate it instead from the starting point of believing that Feeling and becoming emotional were ‘vital signs’ of being a human being and a more ‘humane’ one.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek to have an overwhelming energetic experience through listening to music and/or painting, taking pictures/ video wherein this personality that rejoices in all things ‘gloomy’ and somber and destructive is simply me existing in an actual fear toward those points and turning the fear into an enjoyable experience in order to be able to have a form of ‘control’ upon it apparently, without realizing I have never in fact been in control but only develop ways to be able to confront it without a sense of ‘lack of control,’ which is how I became ‘comfortable’ as an experience to things that would normally be seen as disturbing to talk about such as death and destruction, and self-destructive emotional experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually neglect the fact that I did fear the end of the world, but because of such fear being so prominent, I turned it into a fascination and into my personal recurrent theme/topic so that I could confront it within a ‘controlled’ sense of enjoyment toward it, just so that I could feel ‘alright’ when talking about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of death and destruction a usual ‘fascination’ for me to talk about due to how my father was supportive of these thoughts about the occult, mysteries and prophecies which pissed off my mother pretty much, lol, and as such, making of death and disturbing thoughts and experiences my fascination just so that I could create a point of friction and conflict within her every time I would bring them up in discussions and get a positive experience/ kick out of it, of being able to generate a fear within another from them fearing ‘the end of the world’ or ‘prophecies’ or ‘aliens’ or ‘crazy people’ for that matter, wherein I seconded my father to step on my mother’s nerves for the sake of joking around.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘positive experience’ out of something that would usually be feared just to generate – again – this sense of specialness for me desiring and wanting the world to end while everyone else seemed to fear it and even dislike talking about it, within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘the end of the world’ my personal fascination just because of how it would seem as an avoided and disturbing topic for others, which is how I also sought to make myself ‘important’ and ‘unique,’ because of believing that it was then some type of powerful statement to shock people in any way because through them reacting to what I did, I would reinforce my beliefs of being on the right track in relation to me having ‘something to say’ through art, even if back then it was only death and destruction without any further understanding or comprehension of how we were all collectively creating it, regardless of creating an experience about it or not.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘enjoy’ strident music as perpetual piercing sounds just because of how disturbing and ‘bizarre’ they were, wherein the more specific and unique my tastes were, the more ‘special’ I would be in my mind in relation to the general likes of people, which stems from my desire to ‘not be ordinary’/ be special/ be authentic or relate to the least ‘common people,’ that could also be within the same mind frame of looking at ‘others’ as strangers and normal/ ordinary as a lesser definition and instead, wanting to be singled-out from the crowds due to these fascinations, likes, preferences and self experience of enjoyment toward the seemingly dark and negative just to get a positive reinforcement to my personality as ‘a rebel’ or antagonist in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an immediate empathy to anyone that dares to present themselves as that point of challenge toward what’s socially acceptable and desirable, simply because of the amount of shock and disturbance that this can create within other human beings, and as such, making of this ability to create any form of shock my personal satisfaction of being effective in ‘what I do,’ wherein I believed that my expression had to cause an experience within another and that such reaction would mean my self-experience was genuine, within the belief that emotions and feelings was the ‘truth of ourselves’ as our mind.

 

This happens very often, lol in fact I just read something that was rather sarcastic and laughed about it and then realized that I would have wanted to ‘defend’ the person for saying something that was ‘not supposed’ to be said/written within a certain context, so this is how I came to support people that would go ‘against the tide’ just because of the shock value they represented within other being’s lives and reality, in essence creating empathy toward those that would play out the same mechanism I supported within myself.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come to enjoy this absolute overwhelming energetic experience as goosebumps whenever I would be painting and listening to music that I’ve defined as ‘end of the world music,’ be overwhelmed by the absolute noise and encompassing sounds while Thinking about ‘the end of the world’ as an absolute destruction, which I now see and understand was my ‘little heaven’ of self experience just because of having the background of people around me mostly not liking to talk about death, destruction and the end of the world, thus creating my own mindfuck as personal fascination stemming from doing something ‘non-conventional’ such as rejoicing in thoughts of death and destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I desired the world to end, not realizing that in any form of desire there’s a fear and that in my mind I created a fascination toward everything that I actually feared: I feared facing everything that I would paint within the ‘end of the world’ scenario and as such, I would paint that which I wasn’t willing to admit I feared, turning it instead into a positive creative self experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a likeness toward the music that I would also experience as a general fear due to how overwhelming the sounds were, mostly of prolonged intense acute frequency and strident sounds wherein I can say it definitely works at a mind level to produce this disturbance within my being that would be experienced as chills/ goosebumps and linking that to a pleasant experience within me, without realizing it wasn’t really that I liked it, but made myself believe that  I did.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience in my mind out of an actual negative physical energetic effect on my body, wherein I would turn it into a fascination and enjoyment while in reality the body was actually being consumed in order for me to have my exciting experiences of death and destruction related topics.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of pain a pleasurable experience wherein the thought of death and destruction would cause a nice/ positive experience at a mind level, as something that I thought I liked but in fact it was actually absolute fear that I was experiencing and a such I never in fact was supporting myself within any energetic experience that I believed I liked. I see, realize and understand that All energetic experiences are detrimental to the physical body and that participating in this energetic experience to even then believe that I actually wanted the world to end, without realizing that it was the idea of the world ending which I attached to an overwhelming exciting experience, but I wasn’t really wanting the world to end nor was I in fact measuring in any way the consequences that such event would entail for all living beings. Thus

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts of everything and everyone just disappearing/ being obliterated by some supernatural force that I wanted to experience and participate in, just because of how I realized the extensive overwhelming experience it would be, wherein ‘overwhelming’ is linked to seeing red skies  – which I have also created a fascination toward – as the usual depiction of a perfect end of the world scenario, without realizing that this became a general ‘kick’ for my mind to rejoice within this pleasant experience that was in fact fear due to me thinking about ‘the end of the world’ when looking at red skies.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my body was enjoying the music and responding with such absolute ecstatic experience of feeling goosebumps and quivering, without realizing that it was in fact the energetic compound of all the thinking processes that would lead me to experience fear about this absolute destruction that I would either paint or enjoy looking at in pictures as the usual cloudy red skies and some form of civilization destruction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to desire to continue experiencing this overwhelming experience in a constant basis simply because of believing that such goosebumps were a sign of me enjoying/ identifying with the music somehow, not realizing it was simply me having linked this to an actual fear that turned into a fascination as in me actually being overwhelmed by the sounds and thinking that I was enjoying this in fact

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was okay to be attracted to that which was mostly sad and gloomy as self-experience, just because it becomes as addictive as happiness and positivity – I realize that I simply played out the opposite pole due to how I designed myself to become the exact opposite of what was ‘agreeable’ and ‘acceptable’ in my reality, within this becoming just the pillar that creates conflict and friction in order to generate more energy only to satisfy myself as my own mind.

 

I realize that these ‘sublime’ experiences have become aesthetic categories just because of us having accepted and allowed our emotions and feelings as humans beings as ‘who we are’ and some form of ‘human nature,’ without ever having actually investigated How such energetic experiences were formed, how are they produced and created within our physical body and the actual effects and consequences it creates from participating in such experiences throughout our life experiences.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to believe  me to be special for ‘feeling the music’ so much that I would get these goosebumps as physical reaction of the energetic experience, without realizing that it was so due to all the thinking, the images and general fear that I actually created toward such strident sounds that reverberated throughout my being and accepted this as a form of ecstatic self-experience, without questioning what I was in fact doing to my body every time that these experiences are generated.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my own physical body every time that I would allow myself to experience these chills as ‘thrills’ and as a form of self enjoyment, without ever really investigating or becoming aware of the nature of the experience, wherein sometimes even my stomach would hurt due to the extensive participation in ‘keeping the wave on’ as in keeping myself ‘riding the experience’  just for the sake of my own ‘pleasure’ that I never really experienced as the actual pain it is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not identify how I would get the same overwhelming experience every time I would go into absolute fear such as fear of someone trespassing the house, or being mugged, or being walking alone at night on the street – these would all cause similar experiences within myself that I never questioned, but simply allowed them to be and exist without making the necessary links to see how the so-called pleasure was actually fear as well, experienced in a very similar manner to my so called ‘ecstatic’ experience that I defined as positive.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become this energetic experience simply because of me having defined it as ‘positive’ and ‘enjoyable’ as anything that I would look at, listen to or read that would cause an actual ‘fear’ as an overwhelming experience, but instead of investigating it further, I simply accepted it as ‘who I am’ and me having some form of empathy/resonance for the sounds/ music, the visuals or the words that would create these images within me of actual horror/ terror/ fear in an ‘acceptable manner,’ since I never took it to the ‘next level,’ so to speak.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe there was such a thing as genuine empathic experience toward others that would exist within a similar ‘energetic experience’ as myself and within that, creating relationships with people that would support this self-experience as a form of ‘special bond’ that was ‘difficult to find’ and as such, level it up to a form of specialness and uniqueness in relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘make it okay’ to rejoice in what I deemed were positive experiences that were ‘innocent’ because I was the only one experiencing such chills and thrills in my physical body, without realizing that these thoughts and logic is only me as the mind realizing what I have done onto the physical and that I never in fact was aware of my physical body, otherwise I would have been aware of the actual detrimental experiences that the body goes through when participating in any form of energetic experience either positive or negative – same consequence.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was okay for me to experience sadness and enjoy it, because I thought I was special and unique to only experience sadness as a form of enjoyment, without realizing that in all cases, any energetic experience is equal from the perspective that it is me as a the mind generating friction and conflict to extract energy from the physical in order to continue existing as an energetic system, without realizing that there is no point for such system to exist within me and that I can be here, breathe and remain constant and consistent as myself as the physical, and that living/being alive does not require these ‘overwhelming experiences’ that I would be a sucker for in the form of listening to music all the time, thinking constantly about all the bad things in the world and rejoice in what I deemed was something ‘twisted’ and ‘socially incorrect,’ because I learned that I could only rejoice in that which is positive/ beneficial for self, never really understanding that any energetic experience no matter how we  assess it/define it within our consciousness mind-frame as either positive or negative, it is always a relationship of friction and conflict to generate and create more energy that is extracted from the physicality that I am in order to continue the existence of the mind through/ as more friction and conflict.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to train and condition my physical body to accept these energetic experiences of fear and overwhelming thoughts of death and destruction as an actual enjoyment or ‘aliveness’ whenever I would create a quivering in my body that I believed was a sign of me being ‘more alive’ or more ‘genuine’ than other beings, and that such experiences were an indication of me being ‘more’ than others, a point of specialness which became as a personal cultivation of such experiences for my personal enjoyment.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to condition my physical to such a reaction of the mind as ‘enjoyment,’ instead of actually approaching points of expression like painting and music from a physical starting point of self expression.

 

I realize that the only way to ‘change’ this point of self-experience as the sublime, the disturbing and mostly feared is simply by stopping fearing it myself and next, is working on breathing the energetic experiences as they emerge in this automated way, which I take responsibility for because of the amount of time and energy I spent on accepting such energetic experiences as ‘normal,’ and as such, commit myself to be aware of whenever I am approaching something/ someone from the starting point of wanting to get a kick out of re-enacting my fascinations and self-experiences of fear turned into a pleasurable experience.

 

I commit myself to equalize myself to any form of expression ,wherein I ensure that I am always here, breathing – and that no matter what I do, I place my focus and attention on the physical reality of what I am doing and also realizing that not getting any energetic experience while listening to music or painting does not make the moment less as in not being genuine, as I realize that any form of energetic movement while doing something is indicating me a point of separation within the mind in accordance to how I have participated in my reality through the mind instead of the physical.

 

I commit myself to base my self expression on being here as breath while painting, listening to music, watching nature and as such realize that every time I create either a positive or negative experience out of anything I do in the physical, it is the mind and it’s not real self-expression and must be taken self responsibility for, as I understand how it is within these seeking of ‘thrills’ at a mind level that we become addicts for this that is later on sought through drugs, sex, money or anything else that is able to provide enough resources to generate a ‘moreness’ or ‘specialness’ within us as energetic-experiences, which is unacceptable as these are the bricks of self-abuse that we all have participated in within ourselves as the mind, having real effects and detrimental consequences for the whole in this world – not only humans, but every single particle abused in the name of our personal fascinations.

 

More to come.

 

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Blogs:

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  Consciousness + Time = Doomsday?: DAY 245
  

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Very important: how energy tampers our self expression:

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181. Waiting for the Ideal Moment to Write

Another point is how I have seen how I have this idea that If I am working on something, I have to ‘shut down’ from anything else in order to just focus on this one single task to complete, no matter how long it takes – which is an aspect of my personality linked to being rather extremist when I commit myself to do something, and within this leaving behind/ not giving attention/ not maintaining the rest of my activities with proper attention. Somehow it is as if I want to ‘redeem’ myself, my initial procrastination and getting it done all the way, in one go – which is once again based on a consideration of the mind in me wanting to ‘make up for it’ instead of simply continuing to now do it on a regular basis.

This, as ‘seemingly unimportant’ as it might be, it actually constitutes one of the most used excuses and justifications to not work on this, because in my mind I have made this idea or belief that I must simply get it done in one go and not having to do ‘anything else BUT the task at hand’ – wherein things like ‘oh I won’t have time to eat’ and wanting to shut down any form of communication with others as if this was a distraction emerge, thus it is a recurrent thinking process wherein I hold this ‘ideal’ of having the time and disposition to do so. By ‘time’ I mean having an entire day or more of just having to focus on that, not having to do any other point of responsibility and essentially it’s like being secluded in order to ‘get it done,’ which is of course extremist and in separation of reality wherein if my body would for example make such drastic decisions such as ‘not wanting to digest my food for one day,’ I could have gotten ill or even died for that. Therefore, it is a mind-delusional requirement and almost a requisite that I’ve created as part of linking this particular writing to some ‘book writing’ and ‘being a writer’ as the ideal of not having to do Anything else but writing.

This is backchat that I mostly play out in a self-accepted manner in both ways: the ‘negative’ and the ‘positive’, meaning, that I’ve made it alright to simply drop a particular task for undefined amount of time and/ or go to the extreme of wanting to JUST dedicate myself absolutely and completely to that one single task to ‘get it done’ and forget about everything else, wherein I then create an experience of seeing ‘everything else’ as a nuisance and an obstacle to ‘achieve my aim’ – even within the wording we can see how there’s an energetic drive to it, wherein I am not really considering the process of writing myself as a self-supportive process, but mostly only following my own needs in relation to trying to ‘make up for it’ as the amount of time I did not regularly spent working on it – regularly being the solution here – and instead, go into the extreme of wanting to get it done as fast as possible.

However, the ‘thing’ that happens is that I end up only seeking for this ‘one whole day that I can dedicate myself to it to get it done’ and eventually not get to ‘that whole day’ as I have obviously several points to attend as my responsibility throughout the day.

The picture that came to mind is from that movie ‘the Hours’ and how the character of Virginia Wolf would spend her days in her room writing and not really having to attend anything else – or so I got that ‘idea’ from the movie of course – I remember my backchat within that was ‘How cool! She only has to focus on writing and have her cool time to go out for a walk (read the blog: 175. My Sacred Time of the Day) and just write and write and write’ awesome, I want to be like that! And so within this, I created this belief ever since then that, in order for me to focus on some ‘writing project’ I basically require the life of a ‘writer’ as I used to read about the lives of all these writers that I admired and how they would wake up really early to write and then follow throughout their day doing the same. So all of these and many more are background conditions, not to mention the ‘inspiration’ that I thought was required to write as well. So we can call these the ‘ideals for perfect writing time’ which are based on other people’s lives and conditions within what I have judged as an ‘easy life’ of simply having to indulge in writings and seemingly having others doing their responsibilities at hand, such as taking care of the house, making money or even taking care of children.

So, here I have the ‘ideal’ aspect which can form part of the imagination, however it is not that it comes up as an entire play out in itself, but more of a belief of how the external and internal conditions must be in order to write.

Self Forgiveness on the Fantasy that I’ve held as the Ideal Imaginary moment to write:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I have to shut down from anything else in order to focus on this one single task to complete it, no matter how long it takes’ wherein I am seeking to have this one ‘empty-tasked’ day to do this, and every time that I have made it as a point to myself to do it in this or that day, I end up postponing simply because I cannot simply ‘unplug’ myself from my reality in order to have this ‘extended period of time’ to just focus on this. I realize that in my desire to fulfill and make up for the time that I did not regularly work on this document, I then go into the extreme of wanting to ‘solve it at once,’ without realizing that this is mostly impossible since everything requires a process and my exigencies of wanting to redeem myself toward this task will most certainly not be able to be fulfilled as easy as just wanting to have it done/ complete in one go – thus

When and as I see myself seeking and ‘looking forward’ for the next weekend to have an entire day wherein I can work on my document, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this I am actually limiting my ability to work on the document for a fixed amount of time/ hours a day, instead of wanting to do it in one go as per mind’s exigencies and instead , proceed to work on it regularly for hours a day in order to realize that this is and will be part of the daily tasks and process that will be required until it is done – thus,

I commit myself to stop looking for an ‘empty task day’ to work on this document, as I realize that there are no such days and that I can simply direct myself to fix the hours of the day in order to work with this and within that, making it part of the daily habits that I must work on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make this point ‘more’ than any other point in my every day living, wherein within this experience toward the document as it being ‘more’ than any other writing or task I have to do, I in fact ensue the separation toward actually doing it, because of believing that I require a lot of time and the proper ‘setting’ to do it, the proper ‘momentum’ which is nothing else but a mind-generated drive toward the tasks that I have at hand.

When and as I see myself going to extremes of thinking ‘Oh I won’t have time to eat today, I cannot keep myself in communication with others because they are a distraction’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that these statements and others indicating ‘stopping doing something else because of seeing it as a waste of time’ is only based on me now wanting to redeem myself, as ‘my time’ dedicated to this task that I simply put aside for a long period of time. Thus

I commit myself to not try and ‘make up for’ the time I didn’t work on something – I face the consequences within the realization that it will take the necessary time and process to get it done, while combining it with my every day tasks and responsibilities as I see and realize that the ‘ideal’ of wanting to have an entire day ‘just for that’ is simply not possible and within holding this ‘ideal’ I have mostly created my own obstacles in my mind – thus I assist and support myself to distribute my time in order to dedicate hours a day to this document and realize that I don’t have to ‘aim’ to complete it in one go, as that would be only wanting to keep myself in a positive-experience of ‘having done it,’ instead of walking the process of doing it just as any other task/ point in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire having the life of ‘a writer’ wherein I had actually ‘dreamed’ and ‘fantasized’ quite a lot about being a writer and having a specific setting to ‘write’ and within this particular setting as a comfortable environment to write, I envisioned that I would require to be near nature and having no noise around me, having someone else cooking for me and doing my basic responsibilities and me simply being there, drinking coffee and writing and going for strolls around my own garden – lol – as I see and realize that even if this was a ‘made up illusion’ obviously, I do consider the point and aspect of having ‘no noise around’ as the ideal point that I have to Have in order to be able to ‘concentrate’/ focus on this task, which is why the least ‘noise’ is rather an excuse to postpone it and also because of not precisely living in ‘the country side’ but in a constantly noisy neighborhood in the city – thus,

When and as I see myself wanting to have this ‘perfect picture’ of the ideal moment, ideal place and conditions to write such as being near nature, having no noise around, having someone else doing my responsibilities, having a garden/ nature to walk around on, drinking lots of coffee and essentially having a picture-perfect room/ setting in order to write and be ‘comfortable’ within writing a particularly ‘long’ document –I stop and I breathe – I realize that these imagination pictures that I have created are based on a movie, and are based on my ‘ideals’ that in no way have a correlation to physical reality, as we all require food to eat, money to earn, relationships to attend and a world to be aware of essentially in order for that writing to be in itself even a writing, as what else could we write about if it wasn’t about our experiences and realizations within the ‘real world’ which is not always quiet, wherein one does not always live in a perfect country side, nor has someone else to pay for in order to do one’s responsibilities –thus, I stop participating within these ideals that only become a rather absurd obstacle for me to not write, as I see and realize that these conditions and ‘terms’ that I have created in order to feel ‘absolutely at ease’ to be writing this particular document, implies that I have made of this document something ‘more’ than myself and any other task and that I have created this belief that it must be ‘perfect’ and as such be written within a ‘perfect’ moment/ environment – thus

I commit myself to stop creating the beliefs that I must be in and require specific settings and inspiration in order to write, as I realize that these are just mind exigencies that I have created in my mind, which have become excuses to not get to a certain task simply because I would rather ‘wait’ for that perfect moment and setting wherein all is apparently ‘done and fine’ and so ‘I can write till I drop,’ which is obviously not realistic at all.

I commit myself to stop making an imagination point an excuse and justification for me to not work on something within the expectation of having possibly ‘in the future’ a ‘perfect moment’ to write, which doesn’t exist as I am actually able and capable of simply deciding to work on something and that is it, the work and written document is not dependent on a feeling, or an experience of ‘inspiration’ which is part of the mindfuckism that comes when thinking about writing a document that is not precisely self forgiveness or writing myself. I stop separating one writing as being more/ less than the other and focus on simply doing it.

 

More to come …

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Lugar ideal (ideal place) 2003

 

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• Day 181: After Death Communication – Part 30

• Walking through WALLS: DAY 181

 

 

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180. Half way done

Within the procrastination point and seeing the number 180 reminded me of a  half circle when it comes to degrees,  and I see that one of the aspects that I have to take into consideration is how I reach a point within and while doing something where I simply suddenly just not follow through with it. This implies that I begin writing and then, the mind-imperialism over physical reality is allowed within me, creating enough excuses as to why I don’t want to ‘follow through’ with something.

And this is a ‘branch’ stemming from procrastination wherein during the moment that we are doing it, I simply decide that ‘it’s enough for now, let’s leave the rest for later/ tomorrow…’ and in that moment, I have actually made a decision based on any other point that will create a ‘better experience’ other than the aforementioned backchat in the ‘negative realm’ of experiences – which was disclosed in the previous blog 179. Apathy as result of High Expectations and instead go into the positive and think about all the ‘other things I should rather be doing.

 

– This is enough for now I rather leave the rest for later when I am more ‘feeling’ like I’m more suitable for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow and hold the backchat of ‘I rather save the rest for later’ when it comes to finishing a task or assignment – within this allowing me to create the experience and reaction of being ‘stuck’ with it, not knowing how to ‘follow through with it’ without realizing that these are just excuses and justifications in order to actually go and do that ‘something else’ that I have defined as a more suitable thing to do/ something I would rather do instead of continuing with my task.

When and as I see myself reacting in an experience of being ‘stuck’ with my writing and not knowing ‘how to follow through with it’ as backchat – I stop and I breathe – In such moments I can simply go back, read what I am writing, ensure that I bring the point back to ‘here’ that I began with, see where I am required to give it direction in terms of ‘following through with it’ and simply continue writing, as I see and realize that within the acceptance and allowance of this ‘stuckness’ as a real obstacle to not continue, I allow an emotional experience to dictate who I am in the moment of writing and getting my assignment/ task done – therefore,

I commit myself to breathe, read again what I am writing in order to continue up to the point where I stop and see what it is that I in fact faced in such moment that I decided to stop, apply self forgiveness for the decision to stop and the excuse that I gave in order to stop and within this assess in common sense how to continue doing the task or if it is in fact time to dedicate myself to my other tasks during the day.

Within this, the consideration of not wanting to do it all at once to ‘get over with it’ is required, in order to not make it an energetic drive to ‘get past the obstacle/ get it done as fast as possible’ which would also be going to the extreme where no actual self support is considered.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with immediate disposition to instead of writing going out for a walk, going to check out something else online instead of continuing doing the writing, which indicates that I am seeking to create a positive experience in the moment instead of doing the writing as the particular task/ assignment done, without realizing that the moment that I believe that I require a particular ‘drive’ to write is also enslaving myself to only write when ‘I feel like it’ which is beginning the writing with an impetus of positivity and then slowly but surely decaying into a ‘low’ that I then seek to step out by doing that ‘something else’ that I have defined as a positive experience, wherein I then react with a physical opening and dissipation of all heaviness experienced when ‘hitting the low’ at the moment of writing.

Thus, when and as I see myself coming up with something better to do and creating a positive experience such as immediate disposition to go out and be ‘steadfast’ for it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require an energetic input to get things done and that I cannot continue dividing tasks based on ‘how I feel’ about them, as this is the very indication that I am not being the directive principle, but instead I am allowing energy to be the decision maker within this.

I commit myself to continue writing and doing what I have established and decided to do in a moment without participating in thoughts that lead me to assess the moment as either a positive or negative experience, as I see and realize that writing is just me moving fingers on top of keys and that’s it – there is no requirement for a particular impetus/ drive or even motivation outside of myself to do so.

 

– “I don’t know how to follow through with this”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being ‘stuck’ to continue writing and apparently ‘not knowing how to follow through’ which is a common limitation and restriction that I have imposed onto myself and my physical doing of writing as a mind experience wherein I believe that I required ‘some information’ to continue going, without realizing that all is actually already here and that I do not require to ‘get something outside of myself’ to continue – which is a common belief that I have participated in order to then just stop doing the writing and shift to a ‘better thing to do,’ leaving aside the task that must be done.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I require some information to continue going and within this create the experience of being ‘stuck’ within the writing in itself, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all that I require is already here as myself and as such, I stop participating in the thoughts that lead me to ‘better do something else’ and direct myself to continue living the word determination wherein I have agreed to complete that which I begin as part of the physical movement and realization that all the focus that I require is attention into this particular point to walk it to its completion and diligence as a persistent and continuous application to continue working on what I am already doing, such as writing, and stopping the need and desire to do something ‘better’ or ‘more fulfilling’ which is indicating that I am only seeking for a positive experience in my mind, which is not acceptable.

 

I commit myself to ‘remind’ myself as a point of support how I can only create an experience in my mind of ‘being stuck’ because of an actual desire to do something that is more ‘fulfilling’ at an energetic level – thus I stop and continue giving myself physical direction, breath by breath as the focus and diligence that I have committed myself to live as part of the realization that who I am is constantly here as breath, and that this  – along with my physical requirements to continue living – are the basic sustenance required in order for me to ‘follow through’ with my writing/ assignment/ task to be done.

 

Next post I’ll explore an ‘ideal’ state that I have discovered I have programmed in my mind as the ‘suitable conditions/ environment’ for me to write, which then become obviously an excuse to within not meeting this ‘requirement’ as the ‘suitable moment/ conditions to write,’ I simply continue procrastinating because of not meeting ‘my needs’ within it.

 

to be continued…

 

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Blogs

• Physical Communication – The Basics: DAY 180

• Day 180: After Death Communications – Part 29

 

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• The Consciousness of the Ant – Part 1

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73. Creative Spirit: I Just want to Paint!

 

In the previous blog My Career Choice (Day 72) I described the moment that I shifted from one career to another. Here I am walking that initial moment in my life – 2003– wherein after school ended I had this desire to paint as an occupation for that summer. From the beginning of this idea my plan was: going to buy the cheapest watercolors and using recycled (used) paper to begin with my ‘little explorations’ – I had this idea of art being something expensive and that I could Not possibly afford to ‘spoil’ and ‘squander’ money in. I was a rather solitary and isolated person at that time, I had no friends to ‘hang out with’ and my resort was reading, hearing music, learning how to play the guitar and this additional point of drawing and beginning to paint, which eventually turned into a ‘safe haven’ for me to justify my desire to just be ‘left alone’ and indulge into my own little world in my room with ‘everything that I liked doing’ existed.  This became the context of me taking this ‘little experiment with painting’ into an actual ‘serious’ decision of what I want to do with my life.

 

Within this, I’ve realized how we make decisions based on ‘what we like’ and what we ‘prefer doing’ which we can already see implies there are various reasons, excuses and justifications as to why we ‘prefer’ something over other things, which usually entails by default points that we rather Never do or avoid doing at all  – and the nitty gritty details of this will be disclosed as Self-Forgiveness

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way that I could entertain myself and have fun was through doing something that I had deemed as a ‘superior recreational activity,’ which was painting back in 2003 as a way to be able to retreat myself into ‘learning how to paint’ by my own, as if it was a ‘naturally instigated desire’ without realizing that I had in fact talked myself into it from simple admiration of paintings and artists themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go and buy the cheapest watercolors in the store and use recycled paper to start painting, because of believing that I would most likely create shitty works and I would not be able to afford spending ‘quality material’ on me, which is part of the self-limitation pattern of not giving to myself the best that I am able to give to me because of money being a limitation as a constant lock in my head to not spend money on me, but rather always save it as a means of self-security and protection for any ‘eventuality’ in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only use recycled papers in using the blank side of photocopied books for school to pain, just because of feeling too guilty about the trees that are consumed to create paper, without realizing that it is part of the same belief-system of me as the ‘ecofriendly’ person in self-interest, without actually investigating how everything that I do and consume has an effect on a global level that could be changed if money was not in the way of establishing the best possible ways to produce materials for art and any other living-aspect in our reality

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling guilty when spending money on myself, because of defining this as ‘greedy’ without realizing it is actually self-manipulation wherein I would not allow myself to buy myself things within the idea that I was ‘not yet worth it’ – within this expecting me to someday be ‘pro’ in art and then be able to spend money on myself, but not yet – which is absolutely self-manipulation that became a constant in all aspects in my life when it comes to spending money on myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the materials that I used to start painting with the worth of ‘my painting skills’ themselves as being incipient and immature wherein I could simply ‘not afford’ to pay for a lot of money for me to start painting something that I could not deem as ‘worthy yet’ – within this valuing my expression according to the idea of people only earning market-value in the realm of arts after they are ‘well experienced’ in the field, wherein I diminished my initial paintings to being just ‘attempts of creations’ when comparing my expression to other artists and believing that I was not ‘good enough’ yet to make my work worthy of quality materials, which is linked to how money has defined the hierarchical values within everything that we do and how we accept such hierarchy according to skills and judgment of expression as being worth/ unworthy of spending money on something to support our expression.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only spend money on my works once that I would be a professional on the field – which is how I justified me using the lowest quality materials to create within the belief that I was not yet ‘worthy’ of quality materials, equating quality/ expensive materials to me only being able to get those when I would get to be in fact ‘worthy’ of them, in this diminishing my incipient expression as less than and fuckups and just ‘messing around’ with painting, without realizing that this very starting point became a constant wherein I could see my works as never ‘worthy’ of any form of market value or quality and justifying it with saying that my work was not meant to be ‘of quality’ but rather focusing on the message I wanted to portray.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to extend this quality of messiness and lack of dedication to the presentation of the work itself, because of using money as an excuse that I could and would only be delicate, specific and careful with my work once that I could afford the quality materials to do so, and that in the meantime everything that I created with recycled paper and cheap watercolors was only ‘fucking around,’ which became the actual experience that remained within me and art-creation, a fucking around with no self-direction in consideration of what it would take to really perfect myself and support myself to do and present things in the best possible way that I realized I could, but it would take actual dedication and effort to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only afford getting myself ‘quality stuff’ when being a professional, which is part of the self-belief of ‘not being worthy enough yet’ to give myself the best that I can and am able to afford to support myself and skills, which is a tendency of belittling myself according to ‘not being worthy of’ getting and receiving something that I have placed as ‘more valuable’ than myself itself, which is money and the social connotation that money has within the art world, wherein only ‘quality works’ are able to be sold for great amounts of money –therefore seeing myself always ‘on the way there’ but never taking a directive decision to make things the best possible way in a dedicated, careful, precise and clean manner, but would rather be messy and careless about presentation due to using money as an excuse and ‘not wanting to fit in’ within the realms of ‘fame and fortune’ while secretly desiring to be part of it as well, yet remaining righteous about my messiness and careless presentation as a reflection of me ‘not having enough money’ to do so, which is absolute self-manipulation and self-victimization in artwork itself to determine ‘who I am’ as a limited expression due-to and because of money. 

 

My very first ‘watercolor’ after I got very excited from the shop with those watercolors  (2003)

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything that I ever really wanted to do for the rest of my life was paint, listen to music/write album reviews, read, write stories and be locked in my house with no one bothering me at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I could write, paint, hear music, read for the rest of my life, living alone and ‘following my dreams’ wherein I could be deemed as this ‘talented person’ and ‘a true artist’ that could not afford any other distraction but always remaining creating/ being creative and expressing her tortured soul lol, which is how I came to justify my desires to escape of this world through linking escapism to ‘being creative’ and building my self-belief as ‘an artists’ as a way to actually retreat from the world and isolate myself from the rest of the world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into the belief that painting, drawing, listening to music, being secluded in my room reading and writing was all that I really wanted to do for the rest of my life, in order to justify my actual desire to not have to face the world that I had deemed as a ‘cookie monster’ that was too cruel and harsh for my ‘sensitive nature’ which I used as an excuse and validation to believe that: what I was meant to be and do was ‘art’ and that this is ALL that I can ever be, which implied a lot of self-talk into believing that I had this special features and ideas and visualizations that were revealing to me that ‘this was it’ for me, that I had to be and become an artist in either writing, painting or playing music.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to become an artist was based on the people I would see on TV as musicians that were having ‘a ball’ in their lives, playing music and being ‘creative,’ while earning a lot of money which is how I linked the idea of myself becoming an artist, earning a lot of money, becoming famous and having ‘a ball’ in my life with me being an eccentric creative person as a self-definition that I built for myself and as myself through following my thoughts and talking myself into believing that I had a message to bring and that I was really talented to create and ‘make art’ as a professional career.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had so much to say and speak and do that was not able to be portrayed with words, that I used images as a way to express myself – and within this giving it this ‘specialness aura’ wherein I believed for a time that words were not ‘good enough’ to satisfy my ‘inner visions’ and desire to express, which was just another way of wanting to be special and unique and original and misunderstood, which is also part of me not wanting to be ‘like the rest of the people,’ but have something ‘outstanding’ and ‘special’ according to how I had defined myself throughout my life to be an outsider, to be not like everyone else, to be special, to see things ‘differently’ and within this fitting my entire self-definition as ‘being an artist’ because all the definitions fit with the usual artistic profiles that I would read of ‘famous people,’ and saying ‘Yes! this is what I am!’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘the world overwhelmed me’ and in this thinking and believing myself to be this sensitive person that could only portray what I would see reality like through painting, which is and was a major mind-wash lol that I used in order to build and build and build the idea of myself as ‘an artist’ as a way to ensure that I become this ‘profile’ so much that it becomes inevitable for others to comply to my decision and support my self-definition of me being a creative person and having to become an ‘artist’ for life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use music, writing, reading, playing music as way to reinforce my idea of ‘no one understands me’ / ‘I am just too much of a sensitive being for this world’/ somebody help me! Wherein all of these activities would be accompanied with depressive states, gloomy visions about human nature and our reality, which is when I started writing in a way to feed my personalities and backchat to believe that the future would hold ‘better days’ for me, allowing me to wallow in y own self-created experience in order to have something to paint, write or ‘transmit’ through music – all of it was self-talk transformed into images to support the same self-talk.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be writing about myself back then (2003) as a way to future project a moment in time when such writings would become part of my biography as being this talented artist that had such ‘profound visions and perspectives on the world,’ which means that my writing became a way to reinforce my own mindfuck and self-definition of being a ‘special being’ with ‘special visions’ upon life as a way to validate my desire to be a ‘genuine artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘no one understands me!’ which is one of the reasons why I secluded and isolated myself from the rest of the world and entertained myself with me only painting, writing, reading, hearing and playing music for the sake of reinforcing this idealized version of the ‘hermit artist’ that requires to be silent and in a specific ‘mood’ in order to create, which is how I came to validate myself as being a sensitive being that would get into these ‘states of being’ to create.

 

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to see how I would actually talk myself and write myself into depression and experiences in order to later on just stop writing and start painting wherein everything that I had programmed within myself as this ‘gloomy’ perspective on my life and the world would be translated into a picture that I could then define as ‘expression’ and ‘art’ and make myself feel good about my own ‘depressive states’ that I deemed were the most ‘genuine’ ones, without seeing how I simply programmed myself to do so and there was never something special about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold Ok computer as a revelation to myself and my work wherein I believed that painting about the system and capitalism was ‘my thing’ and my message to the world, from the starting point of self-victimization and within holding these ideas of specialness of myself as ‘an artist in the making,’ which is precisely how I created myself as a particular personality, believing that it was just coming out of ‘myself,’ but it wasn’t, it was just me picking to be and become the dreams that I fueled from a very young age of wanting to be an artist and performing, dancing, playing music or painting as a professional career, which all came from what I would see in the media and what I would be fed by my parents as music and people performing as something to idolize and look up to.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mission in life was to paint and give a message to the world through my art, which became like an epiphany at that time and thinking that I had to do everything that I could in order to justify this ‘epiphany’ of being and becoming an artist so that I could eventually pick an artistic career, without actually admitting myself to see that this was due to the extensive judgment that I created toward the system according to what I would read, watch and hear as entertainment itself, which were mostly books, lyrics, people’s perspectives on how fucked the world is and how art is the perfect way to ‘escape from reality,’ which is what I embraced as my religion: escaping from reality through being creative.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that each painting held a mystery to me, and that my mission in life was to become a prophet-like person with my paintings, which was a reverend mindfuck that I fueled with and through my own perceptions and beliefs about myself and the world as being this ‘sensitive being’ that was being revealed ‘messages’ through paintings – all quite a substantial aspect of my self-religion as a creative, misunderstood person with a gift to present messages through images – all my own mindfuck.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start painting after a while holding the expectation of ‘what will people say about my paintings?’ and within this, starting to shape and mold my expression in order to satisfy others or what I believed others would like, wherein I started compromising myself in order to do things ‘for others’ and within the expectation of judgment, without realizing that whenever I would do this, I would end up being unsatisfied about the results and considering that I would ‘someday’ be ‘good enough at the eyes of others’ which became an actual obstacle in my creative processes and never considering that my work was ‘good enough’ and actually believing till this day that my work is just not good enough or lacking ‘professionalism’ within itself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually fear that people would judge my paintings and say that I was not an artist at all, wherein I would then fear having to ‘let go’ of my dream because of being labeled as ‘not good enough’ which didn’t happen and instead took the positive judgments of people as a way to reinforce my self-belief that ‘I was one the right track’ to become an artist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to make lots of paintings as a way to ensure that I could cover people’s different tastes and measure what I could continue doing and discontinue doing based on the feedback I would get, which means that I begun caging my expression based on wanting to satisfy others, compromising my ‘unconditional expression’ to suit others preferences and needs.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted an allowed myself to deliberately hide this bunch of paintings from my family because of not wanting to expose myself to them as being a tortured, depressive maniac that would paint some type of violent scenes that had in no way relationship to my ‘calm’ and pacific life locked up in my room, which became the way that I justified my distant stance toward them because of believing that ‘they would not understand,’ and feeling more and more like an alien at home because there was no one else interested in arts and culture the same way I was.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my ‘alienation’ at home based on me believing myself to be special and unique as ‘an artist’ that was misunderstood at home, using such thoughts to fuel my creation as a way to ‘want to escape’ and ‘find my real mission in life’ wherein I would picture myself living and being somewhere else but ‘here.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately instigate an emotional and feeling experience whenever I was painting, fueling it with music – such as being reading and abruptly getting a desire to paint and just turn on the music and grab my brushes and paint and get into this ‘inspirational moment’ that I simply would be building as a point of self-definition as an eccentric personality, yet making myself belief that I was in ‘the perfect moment’ to create, which is what started leading met o be more and more interested in the occult and unexplainable things in my reality that I thought would have a divine meaning, lol.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Painting is what I want to do for the rest of my life – placing writing and playing music as the other two options in the hierarchical value-scheme of ‘who and what I want to be when I grow up’ which is how I built my self-religion of being an artist, believing myself to be special and ‘resonating’ with some of the biographies I would read from artists wherein I could identify myself with them, thus fueling the belief that ‘I am on the right track, I must become an artist’ in almost an anxious and absolute excitement as a self-revelation of something ‘magnificent’ in my life, which I really took to the extremes as an actual energetic experience that I became used to fuel through music, words, thoughts, pictures and my own imagination of course, in order to believe that I was in fact discovering my ‘real mission in life’ and that it was a ‘special one,’ without actually seeing that all I was busy doing is entertaining myself within the arts/ cultural realms to not have to one day face the ‘harsh capitalist world’ of office jobs and regular money-making professions which I judged as ‘lower’ and ‘lesser evolved’ than being an ‘artist’ or a ‘philosopher’ or any other creative and reflective profession in the world, as if knowledge and art could be the actual ‘change’ in the world as both points currently exist as in our world system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to infatuate myself with beliefs of who and what I have to be and become, and stick to it like glue with no flexibility, which is how when getting married to a certain idea of myself it became equally difficult having to let go of it, because of all the meaning and ‘specialness’ I had built and fueled It with, which was the reason why I had such a breakdown when finding Desteni because of all the ‘effort’ that I had placed onto ‘my art’ and ‘my creations’ and my personality as this someone that is special and unique, thus having to let go of my specialness and uniqueness when realizing that all I had lived was preprogrammed life choices to entertain myself to not take self responsibility for the world.

 

My room 2003

 

Pattern: Following my desires and talking myself into believing that ‘this is it, this is what I’m meant to be doing for the rest of my life!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that ‘this is it, this is what I’m meant to be doing in my life’ based on constructing myself as the ideal of who I want to be based on affinity, attraction, desires and idealization so of who and what I can be and become as an ‘artist’/ painter in my life, based on the belief that all I am doing in my life is ‘searching my mission’ and within that, using every excuse, belief, and association of myself to a particular activity as ‘a mission’ or as a ‘sign’ that I must stick to that path no matter what and within this thinking process, develop an actual self-religion based on premises that I have created as an outflow of my own self-talk, self-belief and deliberate training to be and become that which I have valued as ‘special’ and ‘important’ and ‘mysterious’ such as art-making.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am making choices in my life based on ‘signs’ and some unnatural ‘force’ that is placing all of these points for me to consider as an actual career choice, just because of how I learned from a very young age as a kid that I ‘should know what I want to be when I grow up’ which became a constant and actual worry even at a tender age of 6-7 years old, wherein I thought that if I wanted to be an astronaut, I had to start studying the universe, picking up a book and starting reading about it in order to be ‘well prepared for when the time comes to be an astronomer/ astronaut’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of careers and the choice of it as the ‘most important decision in life’ wherein it seemed that once I had chosen what to study and what to be, I would be bound to it no matter what, which is how making decisions on what to study became a terrifying event in my life, preparing myself several years for it, just because of the belief that suddenly dropping out/ changing career or not living out of (making money from) the career one chooses is regarded by society as a failure, as not being successful enough, which became a fear in the background within myself, wherein I would push my self to ensure that I do not fail and fearing not eventually being in the ‘right career’ which did lead me to change careers and eventually realize that none of them is what I really wanted to be and become because all my choices were based on ‘who I am’ as my mind as preferences, likes and dislikes, which is now a point that I am ensuring is no longer defining my choices in life – this implies that I allow myself to not judge what I did and the decisions I took in the past, as I did not know anything else other than ‘following my desires/ dreams’ and never considered at all how I could contribute to make of this world a better place for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that I am walking through certain events and people, and things, and books, music, writing as ‘signs’ that I must follow and arrange like a puzzle to determine ‘my mission in life’ which is pretty much a spiritual-influenced type of decision due to the entire ‘aura’ of specialness that I got to know art had throughout human history, which became a fascination within me, leading myself to believe that because I was so fascinated with it, I had to be a part of it – in this using self-talk, backchat and basically convincing myself that I had to be in the art world because I had ‘talent’ for it, without ever really considering what I would be doing within the art world and how I would practically sustain and live, but following just a dream and using the belief that ‘I’ll sort the financial aspect as I go’ and in that, leaving things to just flow without me taking into consideration the actual practical aspects that would lead me to make an informed decision in my life, and not just following what I wanted, desired and liked based on enjoyment and personal desires, wherein the world system and the state of the world became the point that I wanted to avoid facing/ escaping from, using art as a socially acceptable way to do so in a ‘nice’ way wherein I could still earn money from the system, while doing what I like.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the preferences, likes and dislikes that I’ve created and supported throughout my life are those wherein my mind is able to thrive the most, as in fueling up self-definitions, ideas and experiences that are pretty much linked to the experience of myself as my mind, and not considering the practical physical reality wherein one has to earn money to live, which is how I took a decision in my life in an airy-fairy manner not considering practical living at all, but just day dreaming about me suddenly getting to be very famous and have enough money to fulfill my dreams, not realizing that this would lead me nowhere, because the world does not work like in dreams, but actual decisions are required to be taken in order to physically and practically be able to support myself, which is how I realize that all my self-talk and belief of wanting to be an artist was just escapism and calling it an affinity and ‘natural ability’ towards art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to absolutely disregard what’s best for all and me taking a position in the world to be part of the change that I wanted to see in the world, but instead chose a career in order to ‘step out of the system’ – apparently and not have to face it as my responsibility, but rather be ‘creative’ about it as a way to just show that I was loathing the system and being unsatisfied with it, and calling it ‘art’ and ‘expression,’ without considering that I could in fact prepare myself to be part of the solution that I see and realize this world requires, which is now a point that I realize I will take on within my life as it is never too late to accept that we made the wrong decisions and from here on, direct ourselves to a point that is of actual benefit to humanity and myself as one and equal to create a new world system that regards Life in Equality –

 

My room – (View from the sofa I always used to sit from) 2003

 

Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself believing that art is a ‘superior human activity’ I stop and I breathe- I realize that I have brainwashed myself to believe that in order to justify my decision in life based on wanting to be an ‘artist’ just so that I could remain isolated, doing ‘what I want/ what I like’ on my own, which is an aspect of my entire personality that sought to be a hermit, not socializing and only fueling and becoming an ‘erudite’ in my field – arts in general – to value knowledge and ‘my profession’ over my own life. Thus, I direct myself to equalize all human activities as equal wherein I stop wanting to do something over another activity based on how I have arranged them in my mind, but instead, take all activities and my participation within the world according to the practicality and priority of such activities in my world, instead of following only a desire to experience myself in a certain positive way.

 

When and as I see myself seeking to buy only the cheapest for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘buy the cheapest’ is family ingrained ideas that money is a scarce thing and that we rather buy the cheapest to ‘save money,’ wherein saving money became a fear to lose money itself, being constantly fueled and reactivated every time that I would direct myself to the cashier and letting go of money as in losing that ‘security’ as ‘my savings.’ Within this, I realize that I can let go of the idea that by buying the cheapest I am ‘securing myself as money,’ because this is just an idea and ingrained belief toward money itself, with no actual foundation other than what I learned from my parents with regards to ‘taking care of money’ and always seeking to spend the least money on what we buy and consume for ourselves, seeing higher prices as a luxury that is simply not-affordable for ourselves.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘ecofriendly’ as in not generating too much waste and using ‘the least’ for myself such as painting over used paper, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just a self-belief as ‘the saver’ in terms of money and resources, without realizing that everything that I consume in this world has an environmental impact that I am mostly unaware of until I study and inform myself how things are created, which only become knowledge and information that I worry about and ‘avoid,’ without realizing that such processes could actually be transformed/ changed and improved to be done in less-harmful ways if we establish a monetary system that is based upon Life itself as a self-supportive system, instead of seeing the production and commercialization of products as ways to earn money/ make a lot of profit which is the reason why we still consume in harmful and careless ways the resources of the earth, which implies that I must first stop the judgment toward what I use and instead direct myself to establish such solution so that all abuse in all aspects in this world can be stopped, one point at a time, beginning with me not making of money the real god and decision-maker in and of my life.

 

When and as I see myself to feel guilty for spending money on myself, buying what I need and materials and anything that I regard as ‘non-essential,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am manipulating myself to feel like a victim through belittling myself as not being ‘worth it,’ wherein I am using the value-system of things and money itself in comparison to myself and my own life, which is not acceptable as this is how we create our own hierarchical levels of ‘what I’m worthy of/ what I’m not yet worthy of’ based on the social rules of valuing people, career, things, qualities as ‘more’ than ourselves, instead of realizing Life as the one and only real value wherein money wont’ define ‘who I am’ or how I can or cannot support myself, but can instead become a single too to support ourselves in the best manner possible, which implies that there will be no more limitation based on money itself and the fear of ‘lacking money/ ending up with no money’ as a constant survival fear that is existent every time that I pay money for that which I require to live and to create.

 

When and as I see myself going through the thinking pattern of ‘being worthy of using something expensive’ I stop and I breathe – I realize I am comparing myself to the values placed through a monetary convention that in no way regard life in Equality, wherein expensiveness is linked in my mind to being professional, to ensure that I won’t squander resources/ money and that I’ll make ‘the most of it’ wherein art and creation is then not unconditional but always taking into consideration the amount of money spent on the materials and everything that is bought in order to create, which is the reason why and how self-expression is not FREE in this world as everything I’ve done is equated to money wherein even ‘skills’ are able to be paid for according to the rules and regulations of the system, that do not consider the value of expression as life itself, but as a monetary value that we are all bound to in this current economic system.

 

When and as I see myself not doing things the best possible way that I see and realize I am capable of, due to how I am valuing the materials as ‘cheap’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the materials and the price of it is but a social convention to believe that there is something ‘more’ or ‘less than’ according to the price they are sold with, which is how I have been an elitist in my own ‘doings’ wherein: If I am dealing with cheap materials = I have not put enough effort to do things properly and well, but equate my application to the value of the ‘cheap materials,’ with a sense of ‘not really giving a fuck’ because ‘it’s not expensive’ – and doing the opposite wherein: if I am dealing with expensive materials = I make sure I take care of each bit of material, I am the most careful person toward it in fear of losing money as in squandering such material, which is how everything that I do becomes an extension of wasting/ saving money itself, wherein the actual point of expression that should be constant and consistent regardless of ‘prices’ is compromised to the monetary values I add to and regard as ‘important’ within my reality.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately careless and doing things ‘half-assed’ or in a ‘messy way,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is actually a way to not have to push myself to expand my abilities and step out of my mind-frame of limitations and instead, challenge myself to do things the best way that I am aware I can be and direct myself to become if walking a point breath by breath in consideration of whatever I am doing really being an expression of who and what I realize I am, wherein I no longer accept myself to create out of just seeking an experience or wanting to continue defining myself as careless or a wreck in my creations, but in fact take a moment to see who I am in that moment of expression within any activity in my world, and making a decision of what and who I want to be in that moment considering what is best for all – and then act accordingly. With this I ensure that I do not sabotage myself to think that it’s ‘okay’ to do things half way and ‘more or less alright,’ instead of realizing that I am determining myself and the entirety of who I am in each moment in every action and decision I take, wherein allowing me to walk the ‘half path’ is in fact spiting myself and sabotaging my ability to challenge myself and walk in self-directive way wherein what is best for all as myself is directed in common sense as that which I want to be and become as self-perfection that is able to be walked with enough patience and consistency in application, as all mastery is in fact able to be achieved if practical application, self-determination and consistency is placed as a constant application within myself in everything that I do, no matter ‘what’ I do.

 

When and as I see myself using money as an excuse to not do things properly as in having ‘no quality material to work with’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am mimicking the hierarchical system wherein materials are not just ‘matter’ from the Earth but are valued according to a price tag that I am using as an excuse to not do things properly because of believing that the worth of material as the money that they represent is ‘not much’ hence I can equally ‘not give much/ not do much’ instead of giving all my attention, focus and dedication to use whatever means I have to create, to express and to work with, without assessing my own effort in relation to the ‘quality’ of the materials as the amount of money they represent, which is mimicking the world-system of money as my own application. I instead equalize my application regardless of how much money the materials cost – expensive or cheap – and commit myself to express, do and use what is here in the best possible way to ensure that no matter what I use, where I am, how much money I spend on myself, I stop defining ‘who I am’ in relation to money as a value over myself as life.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am ‘not following my dreams’ and I am ‘missing out on life’ as the dreams of wanting to be a writer, painter, musician or anything else related to arts – I stop and I breathe – I realize that such careers were based upon my decision and desire to ‘step out of/ escape’ the system due to and because of not wanting to take responsibility for myself and this world, but instead rather trying to and attempting to make money out of ‘escaping the system’ through dedicating myself to art, without realizing that I can in fact prepare myself to take on a position in the world system wherein I can support myself and others to establish a new world system based on life in equality, wherein ‘my dreams’ of creative-processes can wait to be walked and expressed once that money is no longer a problem and an obstacle for expression, not only for myself but for everyone that I see and realize are equally affected by money being a limitation to an actual self-expression through/ as art.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to isolate myself resorting into music, painting, reading only and not interacting with anyone in my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in such moments I am in fact seeking to ‘escape myself’ and entertain myself to not do and face and walk what I have to do, walk and direct as self-support. Therefore I direct myself in such moments to allow myself to check the starting point of such desire to ensure that I do not use such ‘fleeting desire’ as a way to stop being self directive and ‘fly away’ – but instead simply realize that I can give myself a moment to express and draw/ paint/ read or listen to music without it becoming an absolute ‘escapism mechanism’ as a repeated pattern in my everyday living.

 

When and as I see myself still desiring the experience of ‘being an artist’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that everything that I sought was to be and become like people on TV and the media that are ‘artists’ and apparently have a great life that is only possible do to Money being the main factor linked to this ‘happiness’ and ‘fulfillment’ ideal of ‘living’- when in fact none of it is actually physically real as an expression of life but is the abuse of life made business as role-models that represent’ the ‘ultimate happiness’ as having lots of money which I have linked to ‘being an artist = having money’ as the ultimate freedom from the system, while feeding From the system itself, which was my initial ‘target’ in my career: being in the system but not ‘of the system’ apparently, without realizing I was consuming the exact same desire of success just like everyone else in this world.

 

When and as I see myself using the example of an artist’s life to compare my own life and experience to theirs and validate my ‘career choice,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only using another’s personality design to validate and excuse my own self-created personality design to maintain myself within such limitation while using ‘famous artists’ as an example to follow as ‘who I wanted to be,’ which is all based on desires for money, fame and personal-glorification as the ultimate self interest wherein life in equality is not part of the equation at all. Thus I realize that fueling self-definitions is the way that the system has ensured its own continuity, instilling the same desires and dreams within people through advertising itself as media/ entertainment/ arts / culture as everything is linked to the same monetary system, which implies that no ‘choice’ in life is really based on self-understanding of life in equality and promoting a new way of living, but they are all linked to preserving and perpetuating the same world system of money as inequality.

 

When and as I see myself correlating my life and what I do as ‘signs’ that I should be and become an artist I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am reacting to my own associations and networks of comparison from me toward other ‘famous people’ that I believed I was ‘similar to’ in how I would ‘see the world,’ and this feeding my own desire to be special and unique as ‘an artist,’ which is just another personality design within the system that in no way considers being or becoming a human being that stands for life in an actual position wherein this can be created and manifested, but instead only made it into an elusive ideal and ‘dream’ like thing to use as theme and topic of art works, but not considering the practical steps to create such change in this world, which is how I now direct myself to see where I am the most effective to become part of the actual process of creating and installing a change in this world to life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have a ‘mission in life’ and a ‘specific purpose’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am using this aura of ‘specialness’ and desire to be ‘unique’ as in believing that I have this ‘special purpose in life’ linked to my career and ‘what I will be doing’ in this world, which is in no way something special, unique or ‘god given,’ but instead is and will be a process of taking the necessary informed decisions as to where I can be the most effective within the process that we are walking as the implementation of life in Equality and Oneness and How I can practically assist and support myself to walk the process to place myself in such position as I realize that nothing is like ‘a dream’ that I can just jump into and see ‘where it goes,’ but that I have to now take and make decisions wherein I practically look at the necessary steps to take to get to the position that I see I am required to be and take on in my world, in accordance to the support and implementation required to establish the Equal Money System as a living solution for all beings on Earth wherein expression in itself will stop being just another commodity and asset in itself, only possible for those that can afford it, which is how this process of self-equalization is priority for all before we can start discovering what Self-Expression actually means.

 

When and as I see myself admiring other’s expressions as art and desiring to be doing the same – I stop and I breathe – I bring myself back to earth to realize that the priority in my world and within this process that I am walking is not art creation but establishing a world that is best for all as Life, which is a process of educating ourselves to stand in positions wherein we can practically implement a new system that supports life – in this I commit myself to direct myself to play my part within the equation and realizing that no matter what I decide to do, I will give it all of myself within the realization that no ‘artwork’ can be an actual living expression of self as long as such artwork or artistic activity is still linked to and defined by the current monetary system.

 

I realize that my desire to paint and create stemmed more from a point of abdicating self-responsibility and following my dreams as entertainment rather than an actual process of placing myself in a position of support to change the world and support myself to stand as such change, which were points and aspects that I in no way considered when delving myself into the art world, and in fact doing the exact opposite. Thus, I see that I brainwashed myself to make my ‘dreams’ and desires of escapism as ‘acceptable’ in order to not have to face myself, which is how and why the decision I’ve made to not follow through fully within the art-career as a living-process is in the best interest of all and myself to learn what it is to walk the world system in fact – and not only continuing my own desires of self-interest and personal self-glorification, which doesn’t meant that I will ‘stop creating absolutely,’ but just not following through with it as an actual career that I can make money of, as I see there are points that require immediate support and assistance beginning with my own training and understanding of this world and reality, to walk the points as myself and be the example of what is required to be done as this process to actually change the world into a system that is best for all.

This will continue….

 

“I commit myself to Restore Real Spirituality to Earth as the SPIRIT as Life as Equal as What is Best for Each One.

I commit myself to Set Life Free from the Drive for Profit so that Each Life can Live Life to the Best, in the Time Given to Each One.” Bernard Poolman*

 

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  Desteni I Process

• Desteni Forum for further support

• Support the Equal Money System so that Creation is no longer Bound to MONEY and FREE Expression can Really exist

Marlenoise (2003) Always with headphones on lol

 

Walk through the gallery with the works I made with those ‘cheap watercolors and recycled paper’ among other drawings here

MarlenLife’s album / 2003

 

 

Blogs:

*Day 72: Is Profit Driving the Spirit?

Love is to Accept Each-Other’s Evil: DAY 72

 

Vlogs:

2010 FREEDOM of Expression is NOT Existent

2011 Art in Equality: Be your own Work of Art

2012 Existential Woes: Stop and Know Yourself

 

 

Must Hear Interviews on YouTube by Sunette Spies:

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  How to Become Life

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  Karma Explained

Day 21: Absorbing Music Media as a Child

A turning point in my life was getting cable TV when I was 7 years old. A window opened up toward a world that I had only been exposed in a light manner to, which was idolizing music artists from as early as age 3 and making this my way of having fun when it came to dancing and singing.  So when I was 7  I chose a form of entertainment that was not the average child-treat,  it was watching music videos and exposing myself to all of these images and music that ‘truly fascinated me’ at the time – i n other words, I would be hypnotized in front of the TV.

 

I decided to open up this point as I heard that Adam Yauch is dead, and he happened to be one of those men that I first realized I ‘liked’ at that age just by mere presentation. Later on following the Beastie’s career and perceiving him as the ‘serious’ Beastie Boy, being a Buddhist, supporting activism like ‘Free Tibet’ and probably responsible for presenting the more ‘humane’ side to the media from the band, as well as being a music video director and the author of that rocking bass riff on Sabotage which is one of the songs that first drove me nuts as a child. This type of ‘sensitivity’ and humanitarian side within artists going for activism was an extra point I wanted to do, as I also waned to ‘do good’ but never knew how, and if if hadn’t been for Desteni, I would have mostly become a Zen Buddhism sucker myself supporting some charity programs on the way – if possible.

So, I’ll use that as a reference to build also ideas about ‘who I want to be’ in the future, which due to my extensive exposure to music and videos, I knew it had to do something with music– I went from wanting to be a musician, to a music journalist, a writer then a visual artist.

“I commit myself to demonstrate how the greed of self-interest forms the foundation of the philosophy of the soul. “ Bernard Poolman

 

I wanted to be as ‘free’ as I perceived people on TV/ music industry which is obviously linked to them having a life in a million with a million in their pocket,  where all fame and glory is bursting at their feet. I could ‘sense’ the power that they would ooze when being performing. Music was always ‘the point’ within my life wherein I said many times ‘music saved my life’ just because for many years I did not care about anything o anyone other than listening to music, playing guitar and being immersed in my watercolor world, which smells like the perfect teen spirit that is brewing entire generations of ‘I don’t give a fuck about life’ in our reality, where everyone is just aiming to mimic the next greatest act in a furtive attempt to become famous in any way possible.

 

Therefore, I am proof of how anything that you get exposed to as child, you absorb and eventually end up molding yourself to achieve, according to the stereotypes that I would watch on TV, specifically musicians. So, the ‘music artist’ type of personality was developed at this early age – I grew up with MTV and I got exposed to so much bullshit that lead me to be more ‘open minded’ about life in general which was ‘cool’ from the sense that it allowed me to cope with ‘reality’ as our current culture with more ease, however I lead myself to want to ‘experience ‘that lifestyle’ as well.

 

Before I ever sought God or dedicated enough time to seek for the mysteries on life, I would spend my time being in la la land dreaming about music, about becoming an artist and profiling myself to achieve that type of lifestyle that I knew that was mostly impossible as a one in a million chance – but hey, it was all about the ‘attitude’ and having a ‘good time’ while dreaming about it.

 

An interview that really brought my feet back to the ground in the past weeks was Seeing the Good when only the Bad Prevails as it is about a musician that points out to change this world we have to stick to what must be done, and not what we like or would prefer to do at the moment. And that allowed me to also see how I had blamed myself for not being following too much in the artwork but being actually busy redefining ‘art’ as myself – therefore, no pressure as this is all about self-realization wherein I cannot possibly define me only as a single ‘tag’ in this world – hell no.

 

And so, this was the foundation of my ‘philosophy in life’ attempting to accumulate the most experiences for my own pleasure and benefit, getting closer to god in any way I could, even if this god meant watching endless hours of music videos absorbing the reality of such individuals that I simply wanted to live like as well. No wonder we have all kids wanting to be famous and artists nowadays, and or explicitly singing along to songs like wanting to be a millionaire and being rich girls,  it’s all directly proportional to the amount of media exposure you have.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to absorb anything that I would watch on MTV as a source of inspiration to ‘build my life upon,’ which means that I accepted and allowed the idea of being famous and recognized, along with having a great ‘attitude’ as a source of inspiration to ‘fulfill my dreams,’ which weren’t taking into consideration anything or anyone else but my own desires to be happy and ‘free’ within the idealized version of myself I would create from watching other artists as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a musician was ‘my dream’ and that I would be able to make a lot of money from ‘doing what I like,’ which is the type of thinking that has compromised ourselves to neglect the actual reality in this world wherein we have to do and direct ourselves to live/do/ act upon that which we might not necessarily ‘prefer’ or initially ‘enjoy’ doing – yet it is required to be done, otherwise I have realized that I cannot enjoy myself just ‘creating’ and ‘having a good time’ while knowing that a single other being in this world that doesn’t even have money to eat is wondering why the hell us people with money are doing nothing to support them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create and follow dreams of fame and fortune when I was a child from watching artists, and considering that ‘this was an acceptable easy way to live,’ as I perceived that it would be easy to make money/ be famous from doing what you like, which is the type of thinking within this ‘dreamer’ personality that I followed when I decided to make an art career and making myself believe that ‘it would be easy to support myself in it’ – yet never actually walking the necessary steps and practical points to actually make a living out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to idolize people that represented freedom, carelessness, humor and strength as confidence,  as an entire package of ‘fame’ and ‘fortune’ which is what I sought as well in order to experience myself as, because of how I would see them express themselves when giving interviews and talking about how ‘great’ their lives were, in this believing that it is perfectly ‘fine’ to want to fulfill my dreams of fame and fortune, because ‘everyone else is doing it! So why can’t we?’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘make it okay’ to follow my mind into dreaming about fame and fortune, which were the first steps to only create a personalized continuous drive to ‘become someone in this world’ wherein I thought that making money and being famous and ‘having a place in the world’ would lead me to create some form of influence on others to ‘change the world.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that music could change the world, that a work of art could ‘change the world,’ I see and remember how I built and acquired these ideas from the endless times I would hear artists and their stories about being just regular people getting together to play, getting signed and ‘living out their dreams,’ which seemed fairly simple to myself and in that, pursuing a career wherein I could live out a similar life wherein you are not exactly in a regular job within the system, but still earning lots of money.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to ponder if I would have desired to be an artist or a musician or anything else for that matter if there was no money involved at all? My mind says yes, but I cannot trust it as that would come from an ingrained judgment toward making money out of my artwork so, not recommended to hear these thoughts wherein I essentially allowed my ‘career’ to become another attempt to escape the system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value artists as ‘more than everyone else in the world’ because of perceiving them as ‘fighters’ for what they wanted to be and become, and for being open minded and activists, which lead me to become aware of how there could be apparently some ‘effect’ within such fame-fortune positions to mitigate the problems in the world if/when reaching such status in the world, never knowing how this entire reality was set up in such a bright way to ensure that we would always fall for that which seemed like ‘sweet’ to live and experience ourselves in. In my case, the desire to be a musician, an artist became stronger the more I was preparing myself to eventually be part of this ‘artsy music’ world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop the ideas and acceptances of ‘idolizing’ wherein I became infatuated with musicians and their lives, studying their lives and wanting to have some sort of ‘out of nowhere’ knock on my door to make me famous, just as some of them would tell about in their personal stories around music.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because everyone dreamed of having all the money in the world, being ‘the best’ and doing anything possible to achieve that, I could also only focus on living up and aspire to become part of such ‘easy lifestyle’ wherein it seemed much easier to live out of creating art, making music or writing than anything else in this world, which is how I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to only being a certain ‘idea’ that would then experience frustration and dissatisfaction when this ‘dream’ would seem like something beyond myself, which I deliberately ignored and still went for it, because of believing that I could somehow ‘find my way’ while being in it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to disregard taking into consideration the practical steps that are required to participate within this world in a suitable position to create enough financial stability to then consider that I am actually ‘building my life,’ instead I allowed myself to use a career choice and preferences as a point that I followed with no practical considerations or regard toward actually supporting a point in this world that would benefit the whole and not only myself and my pursuit of happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make it ‘okay’ to aspire to be someone with ‘lots of money’ without ever regarding why are we even following and chasing after money, when in fact all that is here as myself can agree that the current relationships we have created as this entire world system, are Not benefitting everyone equally. So, we require to create the new standard wherein we finally understand that we can only continue living in this world if each one takes responsibility for one point within the world to benefit the whole, to correct the relationships of self-interest and self-glorification into actual reforms and changes within our starting point, ensuring that we live by the principle of what’s best for All as life in Equality.

 

I commit myself to educate myself and others about the actual conditions that are imprinted within a child at a tender age when being exposed to media without any practical considerations of what is it that is being promoted and the reasons behind the support toward such activities that support the ‘pursuit of happiness’ with no regard whatsoever to what this dream-seeking position supports in this world.

 

I commit myself to create a world wherein media is no longer driven by money/ profit and indoctrination to accept ‘wealth’ and ‘fame’ as the standards promoted from a very young age within a child, which are being the key factors that have ensured that all kids aim to ‘be famous’ and eventually ‘be on TV’ just because of how ‘being rich/ being wealthy’ has been associated with happiness, glory, bliss and the ultimate apparent fulfillment within a world system where money has become it all within a human being’s life. I realize that I must expose the fallacies we’ve been living by and make sure that no money is ever promoted as a ‘lifestyle’ in this world, but instead becomes the way to provide life in equality for all.

 

I commit myself to expose the brainwashing that children undergo by seemingly ‘innocent activities’ such as watching any regular entertainment on TV, wherein programs are being perfectly crafted to instill patterns of consumerism and hierarchical values that become part of the inherent acceptances within children, wherein someone that is on ‘TV’ is seen as a semi-god while seeing the rest of the world as ‘not as good as/ not good enough’ in comparison to the fictional reality of fame, fortune and apparent ‘freedom’ that is presented in bright photoshopped versions of what ‘life’ is supposed to be.

 

The only way that real entertainment will emerge is when there is no money behind it, no matter how ‘good’ artist’s intentions have been, there’s been no ‘change’ in the world coming from that, as this world requires an overall participation of each individual within the consideration that life can only exist in Equality if we ALL participate equally to create a world that is best for all.

 

 

2003

 

Recommended reading:

• Reward – Reap from Wars Within and Without: DAY 20

• Day 20: Rotten Souls

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