Recently I’ve been caught in between the outflow or consequence of social media accusations related to someone that’s close to me, which has led me to unveil a few things about myself, my relationship with the person involved in this conflict – who is my partner – and in doing so, I’ve taken the opportunity and responsibility to look back within myself to see where and how I have participated in gossip throughout my life – whether it is within relationships with people, social media or even ‘news’ for that matter.
For example, I’ve done this when getting to hear or read people’s stories about a certain point of abuse or exposure of a certain problem where ‘the offended’ starts finger pointing at ‘the culprits’ and how I’ve taken such situations blindly ‘as facts’ without a question, taking sides with the part that ‘I believe the most’ and in many other cases, adding myself up to give credit to any form of ‘testimony’ that simply goes along the lines of what I perceive or believe ‘is right’ or is ‘the true one.’ This is where shortsightedness leads to fuel more problems than contribute to any solution, and this is what I am now committing to change within me, no matter how ‘subtle’ my participation may be in this process of ‘taking sides’ with someone without an actual first-hand understanding and investigation of the situation
One thing that I’ve precisely been talking about within our group chats is learning to discern, not being ‘gullible’ in the sense of taking a story ‘as is,’ but being more critical. This means, not immediately jumping into conclusions, pointing fingers or even demonizing the ‘culprit’ in the snap of a finger. Something that comes for me at the moment is how I’ve seen several people become ‘divided and conquered’ on social media specifically over a myriad of topics, which is why I have refrained from participating in taking any ‘side’ because, in order to do so, there’s a need to be genuinely informed or have a firsthand say or experience in the whole topic or situation in order to create a position about it that’s worth sharing. At times even the ‘idea’ of having to take a side or a position about something is already divisive in nature, and that’s why many times it is best to focus on reflecting back where I stand and from there assess my own self-honesty.
Keyword comes again here: self-honesty. My response towards the allegations that my partner has been accused of was to immediately to consult with him about the situation. I decided to not react or immediately go into a paranoia – which could have been my ways of dealing with conflict in the past – which is essential when dealing with accusations that one person may bring up. This of course could be questioned by any other person in the consideration of me having to stand on the side of ‘my partner’ because of ‘him being my partner,’ but the reality is that with the integrity that I hold to myself, my life, my living purpose and the process I have decided to take on in my life for the past decade, I would not mind at all having to recognize the responsibility that any close person would have towards a certain situation where any wrong or fault was committed by them, and ensure that they own to it.
So, this is where it is interesting how some people have questioned me and my relationship with my partner based on the allegations against him. I understand this kind of reactions as well, because it may come with the intent of care or consideration towards me. But, as one of my friends said, if you question me and my relationship based on social media gossip, you definitely have no idea who I am. And that is a fact.
One thing that I appreciate about my partner is his integrity. I’ve even explained in previous blogs how he’s always been quite straightforward in the way that he works, and how yes, some people have taken that personally to the point of attacking back in a very venomous manner. I also have decided to create an understanding of the ‘offended’ person’s position in this, which is part of what I have committed myself to do: to not take part just because ‘he is my partner,’ but to get to understand the situation, to see the facts claimed, to read the words, read the context – at a social and political level even – see where each person stands and from there make a decision of ‘who I am’ within and towards it all.
Within me there is no doubt about where my partner stands and who he is within his life. He’s an open book when it comes to how he works with people and his general intent with people. He is also quite aware that he’s got ways of dealing and treating people that are a consequence of how he was raised himself, and how even these habits and behavior patterns when teaching and showing people how to best do their work, have been misinterpreted as abuse or violent behavior. This is something that he now has to learn when it comes to how he relates to people, regardless of his inherent and ever present intent to support people to become a better person, to create some discipline and standing in their lives, where they can be less fearful, less doubting of themselves and gain more confidence in what they do by willing themselves to do something they would otherwise resist doing, to learn something, practice and become good at what they do.
To me it’s a bit heartbreaking to see how easy it is for outsiders to immediately jump into the gossip bandwagon, where there’s an aim to discredit, attack, threaten and even pose as open enemies towards people that had nothing to do with the situation. But, this is also part of what I’ve known for a long time as well by now, how ‘easy’ it is to be triggered at an emotional level due to a certain kind of information that ‘touches our core’ and with that, we take blind faith to ‘believe’ the person that’s posing themselves as aggravated without further questions or asking the people involved directly to get a holistic perspective of all parties involved. Nope, in this case and situation, it has been frankly disappointing to see even those people that were perceived as ‘friends’ fall for the victimization trap and immediately place themselves on one side based on personal benefits or any form of convenience. Again, self-honesty is something that stands within each one, can’t be demanded either.
This is concerning to me now because of how it affects my life at the moment as well. But the reality is that this may happen more and more until no one is left ‘untouched’ to see to what extent we can create and propagate our worst nature through gossip and accusations that can be spread everywhere now through the power of social media, where even a response of understanding and total assumption of responsibility is deliberately misinterpreted as further ammunition against the people in question. This means, there’s not even an opening to conciliate or solve anything, there’s just a blind desire for violence, revenge masqueraded in the form of justice.
I am in no way exculpating the people involved. My partner knows where he stands in his responsibility and that is something that I also appreciate a lot from him. There was an immediate understanding of the situation in how it came to be, what his role was and subsequently, sharing the story that was untold from the offended’s side. That is quite valuable in someone, that he is willing to recognize the things that need to be taken responsibility for, that he has no fear in facing whatever outflows or consequences and is willing to go ‘to whatever extent’ it is needed to create a solution for all parties involved. There is also a learning process that comes from the kind of situations that can be called out at a public and mass scale for personal growth, which is also something he has now taken to heart in terms of how he relates to people, how he expresses and learns to consider more about how others ‘may take his words’ and expression, to precisely prevent further problems like this one.
This is then something that I also got to learn from, how at times, yes, things need to ‘hit the fan’ this way to wake some people up about the nature of our actions and to realize in what ways they are affecting other people. One suggestion though is to always ask for support when it happens, instead of publishing information – or defaming – in social media, which causes irreversible consequences for everyone involved.
Is it sad that an attempt to support a person backfired in the worst imagined way? It is, but it’s not the first time that I’ve witnessed this kind of situations. Myself as part of the Desteni group have been subject of endless forms of trolling and abuse, we have proceeded legally many times to create any form of correction about it, without any real solution either. I have realized how facing this kind of situations can only lead to strengthen each one’s capacity to take responsibility for any damage done and see ourselves through it – while at the same time learning to prevent it in the way that we relate to others and how we do things.
Something else that I’ve come to see and realize is how there will be many people that will be completely siding with the person that has been the offended one without a question, and that is also part of the revelations that are here for all of us to witness. Seeing people’s responses as a confirmation of ‘who they are’ and what exists within them, where the subject of discussion disappears and all that’s left is the essence and nature of the person in their own words as response to something they may have no clue about, but are very quick to give immediate responses to. I also am learning to embrace – which means not react, not judge – but see it as situations that will continue to reflect back to each person who they are within themselves and where they stand as individuals – that is: becoming aware of our own self-honesty.
What I admire in my partner is his stance within it all. To not fall into a form of emotional experience, to stand through it without having anything to fear and at the same time, suggesting the person to proceed against him or any other person presumed to be culprits of the situation, because he knows where he stands. He also understands the political and social environment that this conflict arises within, where some people could be given preference because of being perceived as the common victims in situations like that. We also know that the legal framework might not even have a space to create conciliation and solutions this kind of situations, and that is also ok, part of the shared responsibility point we all hold wherein we haven’t yet worked on standing in and creating a legal system where people’s lives are honored and considered yet.
All that’s left for us to face and confront are our actions, our words, our life trajectories to speak for themselves. With regards to my partner, he is an open book as the public person that he is, the problem is not many have actually dared to ask directly what the story is in fact – and at the same time, cross-reference that story in alignment with the life that he’s led so far. And as we know, it’s easier, much easier to spread lies than to dare to do a proper investigation to get the full story on all sides involved. And that’s how I take responsibility to prevent myself from taking a side, but only suggesting what is honorable for me and him to do: to face the music, to assume responsibility and walk it all the way through as it may be needed. That’s what self-integrity is to me.
What’s left is not participating in emotional reactions about it, even if it surely makes me sad, but I realize my sadness is more concerning to him than the situation in itself. Whatever outcome there is, there is a complete disposition to face it and take responsibility for it. That’s something I am also learning from him in terms of how to face ‘worst case scenarios’ and how to always be sure and certain that our thoughts, words and deeds will speak for themselves, even if they don’t stand in the ‘legal’ framework of our current systems in place: in the end, it’s only life and ourselves that know the truth of who we are, and that’s something that no one, no social media opinions, judgment, conclusions or misrepresentation can define or change.
This certainty that he has in who he is has definitely inspired me a lot. He has shared the many times controversy has knocked at his door, and how he has learned over the years to not fear it, but totally cooperate and assume responsibility. This is the kind of person I am and continuing learning to be as well, to understand that we all have a few things to face and confront in this life, and how they mostly show up in the form of obstacles, difficulties, challenges at every level, even health issues or any other form of ‘inconvenience’ that can make us wiser and stronger if we take it to heart as a cross reference of who we are, where we stand and how we decide to lead our lives.
In my regard, I’ll be a lot more careful in how ‘easily’ I take sides on any subject or topic on social media or on personal matters I may become aware of. This is something that my partner has also told me many times before: to not believe anything blindly, to go and test for myself, to talk to the person, be certain of what I am speaking of – otherwise, I am only spreading lies, gossip, misinformation and not measuring the consequences of this. I have explained several times before how righteous I have been with such kind of things, so this is also a learning experience for me to ‘see what it’s like’ to be – in a way by association – on the receiving end of defamation and the effects and consequences it has on many other people, all because of not questioning what we accept and allow to exist within us and focus on sorting things out, rather than aiming at punishment, vengeance or even violence as solution.
In any case, I also understand that difficulties like this lead to a very necessary learning experience which may be very sour and possibly more harming than supportive – but in the end, we can’t control things getting ‘out of control,’ or control how other people react or respond to certain situations. We only have ourselves, our self-respect, self-integrity, self-honesty and the understanding of what one accepts and allows. As they say here ‘the one that doesn’t owe anything, doesn’t fear,’ and that’s the saying that he and I consequently stand by.
My commitment to this life is to also face obstacles, controversies and difficult situations in the best way that I can. This means realizing that reacting emotionally – like becoming sad or feel hopeless about it – is not the way to stand as a point of support for those that need it most. In a way it is needless to say that in being, there is no space to even consider disrespecting or judging the person that is coming out as the offended one, because I have applied the necessary understanding to see how easy it is for us to not measure the kind of situations we become a part of in our lives and how easy it is to blame, to fall into emotional traps, to be encouraged by group mentality to do things that we are not considering through and through in the consequences it creates, and as such, I take things from Who they come from and considering to the most of my ability the totality of the person they are, to the extent that I can visibly do. This leads me to understanding and forgiveness, which is I’d say the best approach to not ‘fuel the fire,’ while also of course considering the legal means and ways in which any form of conflict that has ‘gone out of control’ can be sorted through.
We live in very chaotic times, that is a fact. It’s not the first time I see this kind of things happening especially within the internet, but I also embrace it as a very necessary part of this existential process to truly get to uncover and expose more about the truth of each one in our lives. And as I’ve said many times, I stand in my own responsibility to the actions and choices I make, I have no intent of defending or painting a nice picture about myself or any human being for that matter, because that is not realistic at all.
I’ve made my point to share the process that I walk with facing my problems, character flaws and faults. We all have them, we all have our falls, we all can be singled out as ‘culprits’ of something – but if we continue to only point out the problems, without standing up to create and promote solutions, we are prone to end up causing far greater problems than then ones we already have in this world.
It is time where we can realize the value of our self-honesty, the value of being a person of integrity and honor towards ourselves and others, and if one is not doing so, surely, I believe life ‘dishes’ things our way to open our eyes and decide where we stand. So, as part of my learning process in this process and from the support I’ve gotten over the years from the many walking this process with Desteni and with the Eqafe material, I take this situation and adversity as an opportunity to strengthen my resolve to align with that and those who are of integrity in their own lives and so towards others. And if I make a false judgment about something or someone, I’ll face it inevitably too, it’s all part of the learning process in life, because the truth will always prevail.
This is where I can learn how to stand in my own truth, whichever it may be, and be willing to stand with it throughout the test of time. This is where I am the only one that can be responsible for my words, what I do, what I support or don’t support till the end of time as it’s said. And that is true empowerment to me, nothing can beat that.
This is something that I want to share considering that this kind of situations are becoming more and more prevalent in this world, to see and consider what one can learn, what kind of strength and resolve one can gather from deciding or making a choice of ‘who one is’ in the midst of conflict. That’s what defines a person: who they are in the face of conflict, not their past deeds and faults or however people may talk back about them, but how they are willing to own the situation and take responsibility for it. And this is what I take to heart as well, because that is what’s honorable to do for everyone involved, in the name of life itself.
We all make mistakes and what matters to me is how I decide to face my mistakes, my falls, my creation of consequences towards others and own it. That’s what matters – anything else people might say, will come and go, no one can control that. All we got is our self-honesty, and those words stand true today and most likely for the rest of time. What we can do is gain a holistic perspective of the situation by asking or talking to the people involved directly and taking a position based on that, considering all aspects of it to the point that we can, but in the end, not even that is a real solution. This is about personal responsibility in the end: each one can only know ‘who’ one is and who one was in the actions, words or deeds done or said.
Thanks for reading.
Suggested supportive material:
Videos by Sunette Spies for Self and Living:
EQAFE.Com : SELF Education and SELF Awareness Store
7 Year Journey To Life Process : People Sharing their Processes of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction
Desteni Forum : Discuss and share with us