437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast?

Here I share some practical steps to consider whenever this particular experience of feeling left out, feeling like not belonging, feeling like one is being judged by others in a particular group or environment, or that one is the ‘odd one sticking out’ etc.

 

If you’d like to have more context as to how I walked this point of ‘the outcast’ you can read the whole story I wrote some years ago of how I experienced this here: ‘The Outcast’: self-imposed tag

 

Whenever you feel like there is no ‘room’ for you somewhere, as if you simply were being ignored by others or deliberately ‘left out’ – first point is to clear oneself from these perceptions, always realizing that these are perceptions created in one’s own mind, therefore: they are not in fact real. We make them real when living out this self-rejection in fact, which means these thoughts make us want to keep quiet, remain isolated and deliberately not interacting with others, because we are in fact very occupied in our own minds building up the feeling of being the outsider, the outcast. Funny, isn’t it? We actually create our own experience and feed it through thinking. And what I’ve noticed is that if we wait for someone asking us directly to ‘come and share’ or ‘speak’ or ‘join in’ it will not happen that often

Therefore:

Instead of continuing churning the outcast character in the head, take a breath, and make a very physical and decisive step to Participate which practically means: take part in/ be a part of. How? Speak, write, let yourself be read/heard and so known. We often make the mistake of waiting for the right moment to share some perspective or point of view or simply to start the very basic point of communicating, which is also a decision one makes to interact with someone else.

Throughout these first steps, it is likely that some voices in the head of being disliked or not being welcomed, or ‘no one asking for your participation’ to come up. In this: keep on reminding yourself of these being words that one has most likely created over a long period of time in our heads, therefore they are not ‘what people really think’ or are at all disclosing the reality of the situation, they are entirely our own creation, therefore we can stop participating ‘up there’ and rather continue the physical process of writing, speaking, sharing oneself with others.

Also important to note that it is not like these judgments will go ‘easily’ or  ‘go away forever’ with just stopping them once. Nope. We have trained ourselves in our minds to continually have ‘something to say’ as in some kind of judgment, fear  that turns into an anxiety, an insecurity, a bunch of questions about ‘others’ and how they relate to us. But two things are certain: one is that these experiences have been ‘recorded’ in our mind, therefore are self created and as such we can stop participating in them; and the other point is that whatever anyone else holds as a judgment, perception, idea, belief about oneself or others, it is also entirely their creation and so their point of responsibility. This assisted me a lot to take whatever judgments or criticisms for what they are: mind perceptions that have no impact or ‘value’ toward myself, because I have by now gotten to know what I am, what I am not which means: I cannot allow another’s words to define me. Of course unless it is not a judgment and someone is giving some kind of feedback about myself that I could take into consideration as a point of self support, but that is then just that: constructive criticism that one can look further within oneself to see what can we learn from it.

 

Another point that was ‘hard to admit’ at the time is how my own ‘outcastism’ was in fact a point of superiority, waiting for people to specifically ‘ask me’ for something or ‘focus on me only’ or ‘pay only attention to me’ which is quite ludicrous because in this I am in no way being a ‘fair player’ in the interaction, but in fact demanding some special attention and care. Is this self-honest as in really applying the principle of equality where one realizes that no matter ‘who’ is speaking to, ‘where’ one is at, we are all ultimately equal at that level of humanity, therefore there is Always something that connects us, something we can talk about and relate to, just by the fact that we have the ability to communicate between each other as species. It is funny how many times we forget about this and create a wall of judgments between each other that divides us, when these ‘walls’ are in fact invisible, self created and so ‘the wall’ can be self-demolished in one single moment where one makes the directive decision of ‘I am here, I participate, I share myself, I communicate, I unconditionally become part of the moment/discussion/interaction with others. And so, what I noticed is that it feels like taking a dive into a pool where one knows it will be a bit cold, might be a bit of a fright initially, but it gets better once you are actually doing it. This in fact applies to many other things we usually fear to do.

So linked to this, in my case I had to become aware of not stepping on my ‘high horse’ and believing I could only communicate or be friends with or interact with people that were ‘at my same level’ in whatever I defined ‘that level’ to be. Therefore this means the ability to be humble and unconditional when giving these first steps of interaction. What do these words mean? Being able to talk to others or approach a point of communication without having a particular ‘agenda’ behind, a particular intent or point of personal interest that could be already ‘clouding’ one’s ability to be clear in what we want to say. This personal interest also includes those judgments where we are Only considering oneself, as if everything revolved around ‘me’ only, when in fact what I’ve found is the best way to initiate any interaction and virtually be able to approach any person and talk to them is by being very stable and quiet in oneself, and sticking to the moment: not having any ‘desire’ – therefore unconditional – behind the communication other than making it a clear decision to speak, share, communicate, write yourself in an interaction with another, scheduling meet ups with others etc.

 

These are some considerations where the focus is on the ‘what to do’ or what kind of words can one live to get out of the ‘outcast’ experience and instead ‘cast’ oneself to participate in the communication and interactions with others.

No need to ever desire to ‘be a part of’ because we are Already a part of this world, everything and everyone here. It is more like realizing that no one else is supposed to ‘make space for you’ or tell you that ‘you belong’ because that only creates an idea or experience, when in fact, there is no need for that. I’d rather suggest realizing that I am here, therefore I am part of life and this world, therefore I accept myself as that part that I am in this life and take part in co-creation by establishing communication, contact with others.

There is nothing more fulfilling in fact than deciding to step out of one’s shell and connecting with people. Nowadays, there is no excuse really because we live in the ‘era of communication’ and it is frankly a bit absurd that the ‘internet era’ and generations could become more isolated behind the gadgets that are supposed to unite us. Time to use them to do just that: to connect with each other, to share, to speak up, to unconditionally let others know who we are and what we are up to in this life, no need for ‘special’ experiences or hidden agendas in this, but rather taking it as a statement of honoring that part of life that we are and the space that we breathe as part of life, of everything that is here.

And so, because we can all learn from each other, let me know your feedback if you do apply some of these points and how you find out they work out for you. These are only some aspects I’ve applied – and continue to apply – myself whenever the ‘outcast’ or ‘feeling left out’ experience creeps in, then I decisively step in and ‘let me share me’ – lol. So, I share also the links from others that have been sharing about this topic as well, which is great because it broadens our awareness on how this particular ‘mindset’ can exist and develop within ourselves.

 

Recommend to read/listen to them:

Day 1100: Outsider

How does it work? Fostering a connection with someone

Outsiders – day 695

Day 577 – Do I not belong?

Day 39 – Feeling Like an Outcast

Life Review – The Outsider

 

Best to stop the ‘self imposed’ tag as an ‘outsider’ and instead ‘cast’ oneself into taking part of living and connecting, communicating, relating to others which is also the way we can learn so much more about ourselves, which would not be possible if one deliberately isolates oneself.

 

 

 

 

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210. Not Having Money Makes You Sad– but Why?

Personal Recession Time: Survival Mode as Sadness, Anxiety and general sense of Belittlement.  Everything that is ‘Up’ must go ‘Down’ – how having money/ lacking money defines our beingness and inner-stability to the point of it becoming a personality/ character in itself as an integral part of being/ feeling ‘secured’ or feeling like just another bag of meat and bones that must be fed and sent to school.

 

Continuing with the Elitist Character – the Counter act: lacking money

• 194. Let the Mask Fall!

• 195. The Righteousness of Evil

• 196. The Elitist Evil behind Relationships

• 197. Friends of Convenience

• 198. Wealth and Positivity a Synonym of Abuse

• 203. The Acceptance of Heaven is the Allowance of Hell

• 204. Opposing the System: Elitist Act of Irresponsibility

• 205. Self Interest as an Obstacle to Real Change

• 206. Self Sabotage Is Self Interest

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  207. Changing the World in Self Interest

• 208. Doing Good as Positive Credit-Rewards

• 209. Successful Living = Capitalist Brainwash

 

One thing is certain, when one is educated to follow through a particular ‘lifestyle’ based on having money and seeking for More money, even if taking an apparent dissident position do we in fact let go of such benefits that we’ve been used to living in. This is based on how as human beings we seek for the point of happiness in our lives in various ways, influencing our decisions in life only to realize after a while how we’ve made decisions based on Energy and Experience instead of physically informing ourselves of the potential outflows, projecting a possible result and outcome of our decisions if living our desires, wants and needs out. Unfortunately, this world is based on the immature consciousness decision-making aspect of ‘follow your dreams’ and within that, always constantly seek for the happiness point, the ‘high’ on life. which is then obviously seeking to get the most of a certain moment in order to feel better about ourselves. As we can see, there is no All as Equals considered in these equations or schemes, it is just a personal desire to fulfill that which we were taught to fulfill: happiness, joy, satisfaction, escalating social status, getting the most influential friendships in order to succeed in this world.

 

I have shared before how my days of having ‘bad times’ when I was a child – around 8-10 years old approximately –  we simply had not as much money as before or have enough to go out to eat our out to ‘buy stuff’ and the regular ‘happy times’ that I had identified with ‘having money.’ To me such austerity measures meant sadness and gloomy times. I guess that part of my life when my father had severe financial troubles was the one that ‘marked’ me the most while growing up, having the uncertainty of for example, suddenly being able to lose it all, lose the house that we own, barely making it through every week, etc. And that’s also the time when I questioned ‘god’ the most and the spiritualist support we were supposed to have, like ‘why’ did this fraud happened to him? Why are we being tested? What is the purpose of being through this turmoil? What type of ‘karma’ are we paying here? And the same went on as there was a great robbery in his business which was like just another bomb being dropped in our financial stability. So, all that worry and concern about money affected me quite a Lot, I mean, that’s probably the time wherein I strived the most to ‘be like others’ and comparing my social status to other people’s and it was coincidentally enough around puberty – it was until my early teens that we got to a point of ‘betterment’ and things stabilized.

 

However, the questions remained: why did we had such unfortunate times? And this must be understood within the context of me simply losing the aspects that I had defined as part of the ‘good things’ in my life, like being able to go out and eat in a restaurant, being able to buy cd’s  or clothes – but most importantly the general experience of ‘being alright’ which certainly was non existent as things turned quite gloomy at home for not having much money, having a constant uncertainty about our future, our properties, having legal problems as well as a desire for revenge toward the person that committed the fraud. Man, that’s where I learned how human beings can really justify evil talk because of someone doing something to you. Obviously I won’t disclose the words I would hear, but all I can say is that such desire for revenge was covered up with a sense of justice. I could not fathom it and even if I wanted to support my family I could still not experience that desire for revenge for whatever were the reasons that man committed the fraud against my father. I learned then about debts and having debtors, lol till this day I remember the names of the people because my father would mention them a lot and cursing while speaking about them of course, I mean yes they owed him lots of money and they all lead us through a financial turmoil, and it was as if ‘our happiness’ then had been stolen from us by ‘them’ – although as everything, it takes two to tango:  there were also measures not taken from my father’s side to avoid such situations. The problem back then was: he trusted people easily. Bad Idea.

 

Now, why am I exposing all of this – to see how everything that I have defined as bad, negative, awful, stressful and general gloomy time of my life was linked to Not having money – or not having ‘as much as’ we used to or perceived that we had before that, and how seeing my father in a constant state of worry and concern lead me to mimic his experience. I became quite uncertain myself, like ‘insecure’ as the entity of ‘money as power’ was not ‘here’ as part of my personality, as the overtly joyful kid that I was. I became more quiet and isolated at that time as well. So, I was quite aware of how much the lack of money can affect you in your ‘beingness’ to the point of just feeling like some scum of the Earth. Oh dear, I remember, this was the time wherein I created a massive self-rejection and wanting to ‘not exist any longer’ because that would mean ‘less expenses’ for my father – I had completely forgotten about this, I wanted to at some point even write it out like deciding that only 4 people were enough in my family and that I simply did not have to exist as my school’s tuition fee would then be saved as well as my food and everything else. These were actual thoughts I had for quite a while, and never really told anyone about it either. I was quite a young child and ‘wanting to help’ – though obviously I was only really victimizing myself further instead of seeing any real form of solution.

 

From then on, I became the ‘austerity measures’ character if you will, always seeking the lowest prices, creating the ‘least expenses’ for my own survival and generally belittling myself to the ‘I’m not worthy of this’ type of experience, which later on became part of myself as a personality in itself, how fucked up is that? This can be the origin of it as well as some physical comparison/ image presentation comparison points/ aspects that I began becoming more aware of as I went growing up, which were blatantly quite obvious to me: rich people were the beautiful people. All of this signifies one thing: money and looks determined how I would FEEL and how I would See myself. It became quite obvious that not having much money and not having what I perceived as perfect looks meant being ‘less than’ and all the inferiority complex kicked in – hence isolation, hence believing that I was just a nuisance and an equivalent to ‘money expenses’ only, a burden, hence my desires to just not be such a nuisance any longer, I really would over-react and be quite extremist in my self-experience which is part of that which is in the past but still here, as I would see a similar character emerging in a place wherein I was being supported and becoming extremely anguished and stressed out when knowing there were financial problems, making the problem the totality of ‘who I am’ and going into this downward spiral almost automatically, not wanting to be a burden , going into sadness due to how I defined my ‘beingness’ according to having money.

So, this is for now the background that I have laid out as part of the counter act to the elitist character which is: suddenly losing all these benefits and going into a ‘recession’ at home, as well as the crisis that I became very aware of in the second half of the 90’s, not only at home but generally in our country, getting to see people that apparently had even gotten cancer out of not being able to pay for their houses and realizing to what extent money defined our ‘well being’ in all ways, fucked up beyond measure. And so, I will continue with Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application in the Following posts.

Support the Equal Money System so that any form of ‘ups’ and ‘downs’ in our reality are not an aspect that defines  who we are and how we live and experience ourselves, but becomes a living certainty of being supported from birth to death until we Die. That’s the law of our being that must be implemented in this world.  No more survival mode  – Support Life in Equality.

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Blogs:

• Have you Seen my Happiness Anywhere? (Part 7): DAY 210

• Day 210: Demons – ADC – Part 58

Interviews:

• Demons in the Afterlife – Part 4

• The Reptilians Enforcing the Submission of Animals to the Dominion of Man (part 1) – Part 121

• The Reptilians Enforcing the Submission of Animals to the Dominion of Man (part 2) – Part 122

122. ‘Is this as good as it gets?’

 

• 119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone
• 120. ‘I don’t like breaking my routine’
• 121. Childhood Anti-Social Behavior

 

Even when I was in a moment with ‘established’ friendships and relationships, there would always be a time wherein I just wanted to be left alone, even if I was already quiet habituated to be with them during the day, I would always hit the  introverted mode wherein I would just remain quiet while backchatting about me wanting to leave home:  how could I get myself out of this situation, can’t he just stop talking, if I say that I don’t want to go then Ill be seen as anti-social, he/ she will take i t personal if I don’t want to go there –I just want to go home. And then getting home was just being apparently ‘free’ again, which is just where my ‘default character’ would come up, wanting to be alone.

 

And this is a fantastic mechanism of the mind to keep me bound to first generation an expectation of wanting to do something/ see someone and then going to the actual experience, not getting ‘my energy’ – therefore, experiencing boredom or dissatisfaction and therefore, only seeking to be alone again, only to create further mindfucks about me being ‘incapable’ of being with others for an extended period of time, or simply having something ‘wrong’ within me that would lead me to always seek out to be alone again. All of it self created for very specific reasons and purposes that rely on self interest.  Some of the main backchat on this is:

 

I am getting tired of this, it’s getting boring

I think of Just being alone, no one bothering me

I think it’s time to go home, how can I slip out of this?

He’s trying to be entertaining, but it doesn’t work anymore

Oh man now he’ll be sad because I’m leaving

I’m finally free again

Why do I repeat the same cycle over and over again?

I always end up wanting to leave after having desired to be here

I worry that nothing seems to satisfy me,

What if this is ‘as good as it gets?

 

Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build an expectation upon ‘wanting to see someone to have a good time’ wherein I project myself in a positive manner/’having a good time’ with another, which eventually ‘deflates’ as everything must go all the way down when participating in ideals of ‘positive experience,’ which are in essence a mindfuck created in order for me to every time believe that I had to ‘hold on’ to a particular relationship in order to always experience the ‘joy’ of seeing someone, regardless of how I would always end up experiencing the downfall/ negative once that the energy built up is used up, leaving me ‘high and dry’ which is how I realize I would go through my days: seeking an experience to be ‘more’ than the moment wherein I am here as breath, as the physical.

When and as I see myself creating an expectation upon a future moment of wanting to meet someone/ be somewhere else in order to experience myself in a positive way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that building up a positive expectation eventually meets its downfall as a negative experience. Thus I direct myself to simply be here in every moment with and as whatever point I face in my reality, wherein no good or bad projections are created, as I stick to remain here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the thought of me  being alone, laying on my bed, doing nothing, not being disturbed as the perfect ‘state of mind’ wherein I am able to keep ‘the loner’ character in place, as there is nothing or no one in it that challenges my own self-religion. Thus I see and realize how I have used this thought of ‘going home’ and ‘being alone’ as a defense mechanism whenever something is actually challenging my own personality that doesn’t want to be ‘disturbed’ at all.

When and as I see myself thinking about that image of me being alone at home, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a red-flag  thought wherein I must look at where and how it is that I am wanting to escape a moment of actual self-support and transcendence of a limitation within communicating/ interacting with others.

I assist and support myself to realize the image of me ‘being alone’ as a personality fail safe that I have kept in order to ensure that I always remain within the ‘bounds’ of my own self-limitation as the characters that I have played out in relation to ‘the loner,’ which is also creating an experience of apparent ‘depression’ in order to have a way to justify my ‘instability,’ wherein I am only manipulating others to ‘accept me as I am’ which was a deliberate ‘loner’ and ‘freakishly behaved’ person that would be extremely joyful and then extremely down from one moment to the next, showing a deliberate face of dissatisfaction so that others could try and do ‘whatever they could to make me happy/ cheer me up’ again – which is absolute self manipulation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start backchatting myself desiring to leave a certain place/ someone, simply because my energetic drive to be there is no longer ‘strong enough,’ hence I realize that I start projecting myself as this discomfort in my entire physical body that transforms into a mild annoyance that I express in the totality of and as my physical body, just because I already ‘got what I wanted’ and then want to leave the person/place/ situation in order to be alone, which is wanting to go back to the ‘safe spot’ in my mind where nothing and no one disturbs me.

When and as I see myself wanting to escape a moment just because I have already gotten my ‘quick fix’ of positive experience in a certain place/ meeting with someone – I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to interact and be here in the moment without projecting myself into a future moment of just being alone, as I see and realize that this is me just following the ‘default’ setting of my apparent ‘stability’ as in ‘being alone.’ Thus I direct myself to remain here as breath in whatever moment/ situation with whomsoever I am spending a moment with. I am here as breath, I do not require to be ‘alone’ to be here in and as breath in physical stability.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an apparent ‘exhaustion’ from being with others, wherein I would go into a ‘vexed mode’ and ‘annoyed’ simply because I had built an entire future projection of my moment with them/ such person being ‘just great’/extraordinary – thus when my dream would not meet reality, I would feel disappointed and as such, creating the opposite experience was a way to get myself back to my ‘default mode’ which was creating a an ideal positive experience out of being alone – hence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within being alone I don’t have to ‘uphold any character’ toward others, without realizing that the single character of ‘Wanting to be alone’ is my default character, which I have simply not even opened up because of believing that it was ‘perfectly normal’ for me to ‘want to be alone’ at all times, which is in fact another defense mechanism wherein I then react in every moment that I have to actually share a moment/ space with others – thus

 

When and as I see myself creating a polarity of positive experience and negative experience out of the ideal in my mind of what ‘being alone’ is, I stop and I breathe –I realize that I have created this default character of always wanting to be alone in order to not challenge myself to step out of my own self-limitation. Thus I assist myself to remain here as breath and stop any desire to run away from everyone and leave a place, as I see that I am only running away from facing myself as others in a moment of interaction.

I assist and support myself to take a moment to simply focus on breathing and realize that I am here and that being with people or being alone doesn’t change who I am here as breath, as the physical.

I commit myself to walk the ‘default character’ of myself defined as me being alone, which is essentially still trying to protect my ‘loneliness’ as my ‘safe heaven.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself just walking home, being at home, and being alone whenever I see that another is just trying to ‘keep up the positive experience’ in the moment, wherein I decidedly react in a vexed and annoyed manner, indicating that I am simply ‘not having a good time’ and wanting to escape, which is when I become very quiet and showing little to no excitement about anything, which comes from the entire relationship play out that I created for myself, wherein I would be like a ‘cheerleader’ trying to make a ‘good moment’ out of anything, eventually and inevitably facing the counter act which is having a ‘low’ and and a downfall, which is when the thought of just stepping out of the scene comes up, which translates of wanting to stop upholding such agreeable character in a relationship and go back to my ‘safe place’ as in being alone and not having to ‘deal’ with others, without realizing that this is about me dealing with my own backchat and experiences created upon others’ actions, words in a particular moment.

When and as I see myself becoming ‘tired’ when being with another, annoyed/ vexed, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am then upholding a character as in being ‘positive/ agreeable’ creating an inevitable ‘downfall’ of energy as the negative and just wanting to shut another up. Thus I assist and support myself to be HERE in the moment without changing ‘who I am’ according to the people or environment – I am here, I breathe and as such I interact and communicate without holding myself back upon assessing communication as being either a positive/likeness or negative/disliking according to the judgment I have created upon communication.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another takes my ‘quiet’ attitude as personal, thinking that they will believe they are not ‘good enough to keep me entertained’ (wtf?) which is just me projecting my own inner conflict onto others to not take responsibility for my own characters and see how I manipulate myself to manipulate in deliberately making it evident that ‘I am not having a good time’ and a such, wanting to push them to do ‘all they can’ to maintain a good time/ keep me entertained with something, which is absolutely unsustainable and ludicrous to even conceive how our relationships have only been based on this desire to please or ‘keep someone entertained’ in order to ‘have a good time’ which is absolutely reducing each other to characters that masturbate each other until the orgasmic experience comes and then, one just wants to leave the place and seek for the next fix somewhere else.

I realize that I have created these characters in order to trigger an experience within another so that they could then come up with an idea to do something that would ‘cheer me up’ or ‘keep me entertained’ which can only be applicable if I am in fact only wanting to keep relationships of ‘good times,’ instead of self-stability here in every moment of breath. Thus I direct myself to support me here to not create subcharacters to defend the ‘ideal’ loner character, as all such points are in fact unnecessary if one take self responsibility to remain stable in every moment of breath, no matter where or with whom we are.

When and as I see myself fearing another’s reaction upon my own quietness – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I won’t even have to be playing ‘the quiet’ subcharacter as a support for ‘the loner’ character because I won’t be limiting myself to only create the idea of me having a ‘good time’ by myself, alone – thus I see and realize that if I am quiet it is because I in fact have nothing to say and that another’s thoughts upon me have nothing to do with what I decide to live as in every moment, taking into consideration that I won’t deliberately be quiet in order to instigate a reaction within another, but ensuring that I am in fact here breathing and as such being open to speak or not speak according to the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually lie about ‘having to do something’ in order to leave, which is just part of the entire lies as the characters that I kept up with another in order to remain in such relationship, in order to please ourselves and, paradoxically enough, to ‘not be alone’ which is the actual polarity I went back and forth with: wanting to be alone and then seeking to not be alone through relationships. I realize that my ability to be here and interact with anyone does not require for me to create ‘special bonds’/ ideal moments that I then bind myself to, I am able to remain stable and consistent here as breathe and open to share and interact with others without fearing or desiring to be alone, as I am here, breathing in my physical body and that being alone or with people does not define who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being considered as ‘antisocial’ whenever I leave a place to go home, however I see and realize that most of the times I did so in order to keep myself ‘safe’ from having to confront myself. Therefore I make sure that I do not ‘pay attention’ to any potential judgments arising from me leaving a place/ not visiting a place/ someone for some time, as I realize that if I do not go or interact for extended periods of time is simply because the moment/ event/ situation is not self supportive and I would rather be doing something that is in fact self supportive.

When and as I see myself finding an excuse to go home/ be alone again, I stop and I breathe, I realize that it is me as the mind as the character of the loner playing out as I do not require to make excuses to simply decide to leave or actually reassess why it is that I am wanting to leave someone/ certain place, which is where self honesty comes in- thus I assess whether the moment is supportive or not, whether I actually would rather be doing something that is self-supportive than being with such person or in a certain place. This I do ensuring that it is not energy that’s driving me to ‘be alone’ but a simple common sensical consideration without fearing leaving another, or fearing being judged for leaving a certain place.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear causing a ‘negative experience’ within another for me leaving, which is just me creating further reactions, compromising myself and instigating further inner conflict to leave, when in fact ‘leaving’ in itself is and must be a decision in the moment wherein I am clear and stable as myself to do so, without holding any specific ‘considerations’ upon what this decision will cause in another, as that is simply my own projection of the play outs I have created within relationships and the fear of losing them .

Thus when and as I see myself fearing causing a ‘negative experience’ within others for me leaving a certain place and moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have used this as an excuse to only remain in the place, keeping the same desires to go home, instigating further inner conflict and discomfort just because of compromising myself in this singular point, which is unacceptable – thus I realize that I am the one that is able to simply make a decision to leave in the moment and that’s it – no further consequences when being self honest and clear about my decision.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel free again’ whenever I leave a place/ someone, creating then a positive experience out of having created my own negative experience as in being ‘suppressed’ while being with another/ in a certain place, which is how I kept myself looping around positive and negative experiences that I would blame others for apparently ‘spoiling,’ instead of seeing and realizing how I created it all for myself as an excuse to not have to see why it is that I was so addicted to this feel good/ feel bad energetic experience as a way to ‘keep relationships in place’ within my world.

When and as I see myself experiencing a relief, a positive experience as in ‘being free again’ when leaving someone/ a particular place – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is stemming from ‘the loner’ character as the positive experience of being alone, when in fact, being alone must not be a positive experience, but an actual self-stability in every moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an inner conflict out of ‘not knowing why I always want to be alone’ which is an added conflict as an ‘I don’t understand myself’ subcharacter in order to reinforce ‘the loner’ character wherein I believe that ‘there’s something wrong with me’ as an apparent inability to enjoy the moment/ share myself with another, which is just part of the mechanism to keep me entertained within my mind as characters that I created in order to constantly be ‘experiencing’ a beingness as a mood or a ‘way of being’ just like me being the main character of my own movie wherein I would be always a depressive person seeking a positive experiences for a moment and ‘get what I want’ in such manner.

I realize that I have kept this apparent inability to fully enjoy myself simply because of having believed that self enjoyment was something bombastic and ‘outrageous,’ which I simply would not be able to experience myself, thus believing that there was something ‘wrong’ with me not being overtly excited or joyful at time, which is how we create these conflicts based on what we watch in movies/ ideal situations wherein people have this ‘perfect good time’ just because of having lots of money or fame and any kind of culturally accepted ‘successful living’ and ‘enjoyable experience,’ which only exists as a mirage for all of us to constantly seek for such positive experience at all cost, which obviously is not real and never was.

When and as I see myself creating an inner conflict when thinking ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me’ wherein I am apparently incapable of being with another for an extended period of time, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is just a backup to always try and defend my personality as ‘the loner’ that does not want to realize how this is actually a defense mechanism to not face ourselves as another, which is how we fear yet desire relationships as a point of inner conflict, simply because we haven’t allowed ourselves to simply be here, breathing, without having an entire ‘mood’ in our minds at all times.

 

I realize that we are the only ones that create our own characters as a way to abuse our simplicity of being here, as breath, as the physical that we have fully ignored while creating inner conflicts and seeking to be ‘more’ than ourselves here already, which his unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my own mindfucks as ‘inner conflicts’ of wanting to be alone all the time, yet deliberately seeking relationships/ seeking to be with others, which is just a perfect mechanism to keep me bound to conflict, to friction and to further consequence, wherein I would always end up ensuring that I remain ‘safe’ as my main character ‘the loner,’ which is why and how relationships came to an end, as I was apparently unable to be/ stand another for an extended period of time, which was only because would face myself/dynamite the foundation of ‘the loner’ character, as I see and realize that being with others, communicating, interacting is the key to see ourselves for real – because when we are all alone in our perfect bubble, nothing seems to move – yet the minor interaction and confrontation with the real world or another being is the actual moment wherein we can test for ourselves if we are in fact really ‘here’ or not.

Thus I assist and support myself to continue opening up with people  in communication and interaction in order to continue applying myself and physically directing me to be constant and consistent within my application of being here as breath, no matter where no matter with whom I am in any given moment.

When and as I see myself believing that ‘I do not know why I always end up wanting to be alone’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just another hook to keep me bound to an apparent inner conflict of me having some type of ‘problem’ to be with people, to interact and communicate unconditionally, which is in fact a self created character – as all characters – in order to keep me safe within ‘the loner’ character bounds which is in essence then me protecting and fueling my main default character that seeks to be alone at all times. I thus realize that whenever I am wondering or pondering about my ‘beingness’ as in being alone, I am trying to simply instigate an experience to occupy myself up there in the mind instead of being and remaining here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask myself ‘what is wrong with me?’ as a self-manipulation tactic in order to not see and realize that I have created this entire ‘loner’ character to always be in a certain ‘beingness’ of either unfulfilled or misunderstood character or apparently being incapable of establishing proper relationships with people, which is absolutely a self-created mechanism to only keep me bound to ‘the loner’ character that will defend its loneliness with even apparent conflict to ‘stop being the loner’ without realizing that all conflict only gives more energy and more attention of who I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as ‘the loner.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go as far as ‘worrying’ that there is something inherently wrong with me because of not being able to be ‘satisfied’ with anything, not even with having the ‘man of my dreams’ or studying that which I apparently dreamed to have, without realizing that I created these points as positive experiences in order for me to create further conflict when not getting the ideal/ future projected happiness/ satisfaction within such relationships and careers, which is another mechanism to protect ‘the loner’ character that would end up always seeking to be alone, dissert relationships, dissert careers and always remaining ‘unsatisfied’ and feeling ‘inadequate,’ which is a primary source and mechanism of self-manipulation in order to instigate conflict within and as ‘the loner’ character, to keep me bound to always seek for a positive experience, instead of actually accepting and bracing myself here as the simplicity of the physical beingness that requires no positive or negative experience to exist.

I realize that I created my own ‘inner conflicts’ and characters according to who I wanted to be and how I wanted to be seen by others, as some type of ‘weird’ person that is not able to create effective relationships, as that would keep me bound to an isolation, depression and self-diminishment that I would come to seek and even  enjoy as a source of apparent ‘inspiration’ to make good art, which is linked to the entire ‘Artist’ personality, of always existing in conflict and depression in order to have something to ‘create’ about, lol an all-around mindfuck that I created for myself around relationships based on only seeking to exist as a continual inner-conflict to remain comfortable within my own mind, creating all these ideas about ‘who I am’ without ever having even considered that who I really am is myself here as the physical, and that I can direct my mind to support myself as such physical being.

 

When and as I see myself thinking, believing, perceiving and worrying that there is ‘something wrong with me’ because of an apparent inability to establish proper relationships, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this has been one of the greatest traps I created for myself and as myself within the belief that I was in fact a ‘difficult person’ and/or would never be able to ‘settle down,’ wherein I realize that I created such ideas based on fearing actually facing myself with another and bursting my ‘loner’ bubble as primary ‘self-defense mechanism.’ Thus I assist myself to realize there is nothing ‘wrong’ with me and that I can communicate, interact and be with another/ others without creating an experience within my mind about it, it is just human beings being here with one another coexisting as the physical wherein the actual direction at all times must be to form and create agreements of self support to ensure that we no longer support one another’s characters/ personalities as self-limitation, but instead, push ourselves to face the ‘who we have become’ as our mind characters and learn how to coexist and live within the consideration of the physical practical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat in ultimate stances of disillusionment within a relationship/ a moment and thinking ‘What if this is as good as it gets?’ wherein I judge my ability to enjoy myself with another, existing in a continual discomfort of even not breathing properly because of thinking and believing that I must be and behave in a particular way to get to the ultimate positive experience, in order to create a relationship that I can keep as a ‘positive experience’ within me, which is how I see and realize that I had idealized relationships as these merry-go-round opportunities to only ‘enjoy’ myself, but never ever considering a relationship as a point of actual growth and self support, which is how I would create a negative experience whenever something/ someone would be dynamiting the foundation of ‘the loner’ character, as this was in essence a threat to my mind, the ‘who I am’ as my mind as the limitation of myself I have accepted and allowed myself,’ imposing it onto the physical.

Thus, I see that I only sought for positive experiences within my own relationships and characters of self interest, only being like an addict that looks for a quick fix, have a good time/ a high experience in the moment to then go back to the ‘default’ state of seeking to be ‘more’ through relationships, only getting the quick fix for a moment and then going back to the negative of myself as ‘the loner’ that would then be considered as a positive experience, just to keep myself bounding off from one side to the other with no clarity or even understanding what it is that I was in fact doing to myself, which is abusing myself as the physical, using my mind in order to experience myself as a certain positive or negative mood within the belief that ‘feeling’ and ‘becoming emotional’ was in fact Living.

I realize that thinking ‘what if this is as good as it gets’ implies seeking to be experiencing something positive at all times based on the ideals and future projections that I participated in about myself and my future when growing up, wherein I accepted ‘following my dreams’ as something viable and acceptable, thinking that people could actually always remain in this ‘blissful’ state within their relationships and their jobs, which is absolutely not so and this is thus how we end up dissatisfied with ourselves, without even questioning how such positive experience has always been the carrot on the stick, presented as such, to be an ever elusive ideal and only attainable to a handful of human beings in the world system that even then, would seek to get more and have more power, which is essentially greed that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to create the moment that we think we are able to ‘be more’ than who we are already as ourselves, as the physical.

When and as I see myself thinking ‘what if this is as good as it gets?’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am then trying to create a positive experience out of my day to day living breathing here, which is what life is actually about, instead of seeking a positive experience at all cost and ignoring what is it that actually allows such positive experience to exist. Thus, I bring myself back to the physical an walk moment by moment supporting and assisting myself to work, be, do and interact with others within situations/ activities that I realize are actual opportunities and platforms of self-support in order to stop being characters and actually start taking responsibility for the massive consequences we have created when only seeking to be ‘a successful character’ in our reality.

To be continued…

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System 

 

Recommended Interview that allowed me to understand this pattern of how the mind functions as an energetic leech that seeks for the next great fix which we manifest as our relationships and decisions in our world:

• Reptilians – The Obvious Secret – Reality or Illusion – Part 18

Blogs:

• Sub-Personality Backchat Creation – Part 2 (Self-Commitments): DAY 122

• Day 122: TRUE ACTIVIST COLLEGE EDUCATION

 

Hear the greatest a capella song – Free Download here:

• Ode to our Children

119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone

119 is an Odd number and an oddity pattern has emerged. As mentioned in the previous blog, I am here to walk a point that comes before all points in relation to relationships, and that is a pattern that I have played out throughout my life and that I’ve mentioned in the blog  111. ‘Why aren’t you normal? which is a desire to be Left Alone.

And curiously enough, I had been trying to hide and suppress this point from the moment that I heard a song by Fiona Apple in her new record wherein she sings/recoils saying ‘How can I ask anyone to love me when all I do is beg to be Left Alone? –

 

This point can be quite extreme and it kicks in as a defense mechanism of the mind in order to place a red flag whenever there’s something/ someone that might be a potential dynamite to my self-religion, wherein I essentially start running away/ evading to ‘not be bothered’ or simply challenge my ‘way of being’ which is clearly a self-delusion.

The first memories stem from when I was a little girl and my mother would ask me to ‘go downstairs and play with x and x’ during a party or family reunion, which I refused to for whatever reason –I would even go into throwing tantrums simply because of not wanting to go and ‘play’ with other kids, which is how I would create an absolute opposition to the sound of her voice being ‘gently-pushing’ me to do something, until she’d get angry and scold me for not wanting to go downstairs to be/ socialize with other kids.

I can recall that I had a ‘hard time’ making friends simply because of this same point: I don’t want others to ‘disturb’ me, I don’t want to miss out this or that TV show if I go to his/ her house to play – I rather say that  I was sick and that’s why I didn’t go.  And so I always ensured I would only go to/ attend the places and interact with people that I wanted to be and interact with – but when anything or anyone went out of my ‘scheme’ of familiarity, I’d immediately seek ways to not participate, to not have to ‘go there.’

A memory that pops up was for example having outdoors activities at school, wherein kids would enjoy being boy scouts and I just thought of myself as inadequate for all types of outdoor experiences. So, I would push myself to not go at all or only go if it was absolutely directed to school – I really could not fathom how kids would want to spend their Saturdays doing all of that.

 

Sometimes girls would invite me to their houses, or anything else like a party or just going out or something and while they’d be asking me to go there, I would already be wanting to scheme any form of ‘event’ to make an excuse as to why I could not make it – I would rush into saying that I had this or that other class, or that I would be doing something else that would ruin the entire plan.

 

Other specific times is when I had wanted to be ‘left alone’ in relationships, wherein I apparently become too vexed and annoyed by another and in that, start scheming ways to pull myself away, like a literal ‘red flag, someone is about to push your buttons further,’ and as such immediately start getting annoyed by something, creating backchat as clear as ‘I don’t want to speak any longer/ I just want to be left alone’ – which is how I then go into being quiet and finding excuses as to why I should not relate to such person any longer.

 

Even when I was in a moment with ‘established’ friendships and relationships, there would always be a time wherein I just wanted to be left alone, even if I was already quiet habituated to be with them during the day, I would always hit the  introverted mode wherein I would simply remain quiet while backchatting about me wanting to leave home:  how could I get myself out of this situation, can’t he just stop talking, if I say that I don’t want to go then Ill be seen as anti-social, he/ she will take i t personal if I don’t want to go there – I just want to go home

 

Even when I was in supportive environments e.g. the farm I would ‘hit that point’ wherein I just wanted to be alone, like suddenly being ‘fed up’ of being around people and would only project myself into an immediate future of being alone in my room, doors closed, windows closed – no disturbance, silence. This is how the ‘going home’ or being in my room was like my little ‘spot in space’ wherein I could be alone.

And so whenever anything or anyone challenged my routine, ‘my way’ of doing things, my way of dealing with my everyday I would immediately go into a ‘defense mode’ of excuses in order to not go somewhere/ do something that would mean having to go to an unknown place or interacting with new people or doing something new. My home always being that ‘safe heaven’ wherein I could then feel at ease and always yearn to ‘get back to.’ 

So, this manifests even toward people that do not precisely represent a point that I have to ‘run away from’ in physical reality, but simply someone that is clearly being a ‘threat’ to my ‘loner’ character, which I have linked to people suddenly being ‘too close’ to me and I simply deciding that they’re getting ‘too close’ which is how I’ve always kept my bounds to remain the same in my own little routine where nothing moves and nothing changes – thus, the perfect intact trap for myself as my own ego.

 

This will continue…

Desteni I Process 

Desteni

Desteni Forum

 

 

Blog Explaining what Backchat is:

• Multidimensional Inner-Voices – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 119

• Day 119: True Activist Power

 

Life Reviews that I could ‘relate to’ in order to see myself as another:

• Life Review – My Life as a Teacher

• Life Review – When Life turns its back on You

97. Words as Elitism

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value the way words can be arranged to express as ‘more’ or ‘less’ than myself according to aesthetic values according to how many evocations do I get when reading words, wherein I became used to valuing words as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ according to the type of pictures and experiences I was able to create within myself when reading them, within this using words in self-interest only, seeking to satisfy a aesthetical aspect of communication wherein no living principle was existent, but only using words as a means to entertain myself and get a sense of pleasure from reading what I defined as ‘well-written expression,’ never ever considering how words themselves were already an imposition upon life and that with me creating an experience of language and the written word itself, I separated myself even further from the words as myself through creating experiences through words, wherein words then became the way for me to live through the words/ eyes of others as authors, just because I was not willing to live my own life and as such, becoming a book worm wherein I knew that I would not have to face the world and create relationships with other human beings, but create my own ‘living’ through reading stories to entertain myself with, forgetting about reality in its totality in a deliberate manner.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to praise literature as something ‘magnificent’ just because of the experiences I was able to obtain from words in my mind, without realizing that in no way has any book supported humanity to actually start taking into consideration how words themselves have been used as a means to distract ourselves from living, from realizing how we are the very creators of a world and reality wherein a minority is having the ability to Read words, to get education to be able to read and even more so, have money to later on buy books/ written words as a means of entertainment or so-called ‘education,’ without ever even caring to first ensure that every human being could have access to proper food, water, shelter and a dignified living – including education – and then focus on developing ‘culture’ such as books and all forms of entertainment and ‘education.’ Instead we simply made ourselves believe that we were in fact able to ‘evolve’ as species with our intellectual realms of books and science and culture within the elite reality of one third of the world only, while the rest as the 2/3 were deliberately ostracized and minimized into a reality of poverty and absolute lack, where a book would mean fuel for a fire due to lacking any proper services to live. Within this, realizing to what extent when being brought up in a particular cultural context within the world system of money, we do not even question how it is that ‘our culture’ is based on money and how the very use of words and appreciation thereof is an elitist activity that is in fact a smack on the face of those that have no money to live, which means they have no education to ‘indulge’ into the ‘joy of words’ that I would solace myself with as a means to only cult.ivate my own self interest of ‘culture’ and ‘intellectualism’ that I was aiming at becoming, remaining behind a bunch of pages for extended period of time just because of not wanting to actually get out into the world and dare to see the reality that we are busy destroying due to this extreme egotistical versions of ourselves wherein we do not give a damn about one another, but only seek to live the most comfortable hedonist lifestyle at the expense of those that must work as slaves for us to have such comfort.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to deliberately praise people that would write in what I would define as a ‘gifted manner,’ without even questioning what the hell I was imprinting into myself through reading stories for my own pleasure and satisfaction, never realizing how these same words were being used to create laws and regulations that have denied the most basic human rights to living beings – within this never pondering how my apparent ‘love for words’ was in fact sheer self interest and self-indulgence within a small bubble of ‘human creativity’ that used words for mental masturbation, without seeing how the very system we live in is separated by god, the words we speak and as such we have attempted and tried to play god through sentencing ourselves in ways wherein some can have ‘the power’ over others, where only a minority can use words as way to sentence life or death through our constitutions, laws and policies that we have simply neglected to become aware of, simply because that would imply having to realize that we have all been equal participants in this world as it is, and that it is in our deliberate ignorance and disregard for politics as the judicial and legal systems as well as economics that we have instead opted for the ‘friendly’ use of words such as for books as literature, entertainment and even so-called education that was only directed to perpetuate the same ways of a system that has never valued life – hence words have only been used as a means to exert power and control over life, never ever supporting who we really are as an actual means to communicate and ensure living-conditions for one another, because words are also currency.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the parasitical side of the system wherein through and by me having money at this very moment makes me part of the evil of humanity that has rejoiced and even having the luxury of deciding in what ways I can use words to suit me, to make myself more ‘knowledgeable’ and ‘special,’ without even pondering if such ability is available for al as equal as one – and within this, not having realize how that which is simply ‘common’ for me such as having a computer to be able to type, having the education to be able to write and read, having had the luxury of knowing a second language in a written and spoken manner are all indicators that I have simply been part of the minority in a world that praises knowledge and information as ‘more than’ ourselves, wherein I myself also sought to be part of the ones that could praise each other according to ‘how well’ or how ‘articulate’ we could be, without ever really delving into the question: What are these words in fact implying upon reality? What am I really experiencing when and as I read words that are ‘well written’ according to the standards that I have trained myself to conceive? Is what matters really the way that words are written or is it what they are SAYING as an actual expression of self? Yet because all I knew was of myself being a mind that would enjoy emotional and feeling experiences, everything I could read that would stimulate this preference/ like would become part of my reality as an ‘acceptable’ and ‘higher form of entertainment,’ taking pride in the so-called culture we get from books, without realizing what is behind this very ability to ‘cultivate’ myself while others in the same world have no ability to read or write, nor even eat.

 

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to ever question the pleasure and enjoyment I get from reading words wherein it is not about the words themselves, but about who I am toward particular words that become particular characters that I am ‘fond of,’ which is a way that I would always indicate that I idolized a particular writer/ lyricist whose words I could use to create my own mind experiences as a means of entertainment, diverting myself from my own living reality and experience, and getting used to entertaining myself with words and words and words as a deliberate way to escape from the world behind pages, and having this as something ‘acceptable’ just because it is culturally praised to be a ‘book worm’ as someone ‘intellectual’ which is once again, placing more value onto knowledge and information that exists as a very tool of separation which is how words are currently existing in our reality.

 

When and as I see myself getting an experience of pleasure and satisfaction as a positive energy experience from reading words, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this can only be possible because I have money and I learned how to read, I had enough experiences – bought with money as well – that I could imprint as memories within me from where I could create a point of fulfillment and satisfaction that I then associated with particular words, to later on being able to read such words again to re-live that positive experience that I would get from words in separation of myself.

 

When and as I see myself praising knowledge and information in the form of books, intellectuals, written words that evoke a sense of fulfillment and perceiving them as ‘more’ than myself – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I had been easily drawn to expression in itself as a way to satisfy my ideals of perfection and ‘self improvement’ based on the ability and skills to use language as a way to make myself special or distinct, without even ever considering how this is just an elitist hobby that is in no way equally existent for all beings in this world.

 

Hence I commit myself to re-establish words as tools to create and direct ourselves in every moment as the expression of self-correction at the moment, wherein Words as Self-Forgiveness become the keys of ‘like cures like’ wherein if our words have been the very imposition toward our reality as a means to have ‘control’ and ‘power’ over it, we make of words our tools to give ourselves back to ourselves and equalize such words as who we really are as an expression of life, wherein no specialness and no discrimination is able to exist ever again by the same ‘power of words.’

 

I commit myself to become part of the people that will educate oneself and others to stand in an equal position of understanding words as ourselves, as I can then direct this that once was my ‘passion’ as words to equalize the understanding of myself as one and equal as who and what we really are as words that can reconstitute and for the first time establish a living principle on Earth in all ways, which is Equality as Life.

 

This thus implies that I walk my own process of Self-Creation as words that are able to be directed in a way that we can all equally convey our expression of oneness and equality through a process of first, walking our own mind as the realization of who and what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become through the separation of words as ourselves, to then walk the process of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty, Self-Reflection and Self-Corrective Application in order to construct life as ourselves as the very words we decide to live and the words that we decide that we will no longer keep as they only stood as a form of separation from self here as one and equal.

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System wherein education will be founded upon the principle of Life in Equality, wherein words become the primary tool to show and demonstrate our equality and oneness and the responsibility each one of us holds with how we use words, to ensure that we are all equal participants standing in equal understanding of how reality works, of how our minds works and how we sentence/ create ourselves as the very words we speak.

 

I commit myself to become aware of every single words that I write or say as a means to express the corrective process I am walking here and as such, ensure that I correct my expression into equalization as life in every moment of breath that I am able to give myself to practically become aware of who I am as every moment of expression here.

 

I commit myself to use words as a means to take responsibility for what I create as words and humble myself through walking a process of Self-Forgiveness for I see and realize what I have accepted and allowed myself to become through and as the very existence of words in separation of ourselves as life.

 

“I commit myself to SHOW that those Promoting Understanding of the MIND, have NO Clue how in Fact Functions – Step by Step – and that One Should Only Participate in any Process where you Will Become the ONE that Understands in Detail How you Created yourself in Every Way, as is Taught in the Desteni I Process.” – Bernard Poolman *

 

 

For more support to understand who and what we are as words, visit Desteni and the Desteni Forum

For specialized Self-Support visit the Desteni I Process website

 

 

Blogs:

• *Day 97: The Holy Spirit is IN Me

• The Organic Memory-Chip: DAY 97: learn about the REAL microchips within and as ourselves

 

Interviews:

Reptilians – Language: the Sceptre of Creation (Part 1) – Part 70

Reptilians – Language: the Sceptre of Creation (Part 2) – Part 71

The Soul of Money – How Illusion became Reality – Part 27

 

73. Creative Spirit: I Just want to Paint!

 

In the previous blog My Career Choice (Day 72) I described the moment that I shifted from one career to another. Here I am walking that initial moment in my life – 2003– wherein after school ended I had this desire to paint as an occupation for that summer. From the beginning of this idea my plan was: going to buy the cheapest watercolors and using recycled (used) paper to begin with my ‘little explorations’ – I had this idea of art being something expensive and that I could Not possibly afford to ‘spoil’ and ‘squander’ money in. I was a rather solitary and isolated person at that time, I had no friends to ‘hang out with’ and my resort was reading, hearing music, learning how to play the guitar and this additional point of drawing and beginning to paint, which eventually turned into a ‘safe haven’ for me to justify my desire to just be ‘left alone’ and indulge into my own little world in my room with ‘everything that I liked doing’ existed.  This became the context of me taking this ‘little experiment with painting’ into an actual ‘serious’ decision of what I want to do with my life.

 

Within this, I’ve realized how we make decisions based on ‘what we like’ and what we ‘prefer doing’ which we can already see implies there are various reasons, excuses and justifications as to why we ‘prefer’ something over other things, which usually entails by default points that we rather Never do or avoid doing at all  – and the nitty gritty details of this will be disclosed as Self-Forgiveness

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way that I could entertain myself and have fun was through doing something that I had deemed as a ‘superior recreational activity,’ which was painting back in 2003 as a way to be able to retreat myself into ‘learning how to paint’ by my own, as if it was a ‘naturally instigated desire’ without realizing that I had in fact talked myself into it from simple admiration of paintings and artists themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go and buy the cheapest watercolors in the store and use recycled paper to start painting, because of believing that I would most likely create shitty works and I would not be able to afford spending ‘quality material’ on me, which is part of the self-limitation pattern of not giving to myself the best that I am able to give to me because of money being a limitation as a constant lock in my head to not spend money on me, but rather always save it as a means of self-security and protection for any ‘eventuality’ in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only use recycled papers in using the blank side of photocopied books for school to pain, just because of feeling too guilty about the trees that are consumed to create paper, without realizing that it is part of the same belief-system of me as the ‘ecofriendly’ person in self-interest, without actually investigating how everything that I do and consume has an effect on a global level that could be changed if money was not in the way of establishing the best possible ways to produce materials for art and any other living-aspect in our reality

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling guilty when spending money on myself, because of defining this as ‘greedy’ without realizing it is actually self-manipulation wherein I would not allow myself to buy myself things within the idea that I was ‘not yet worth it’ – within this expecting me to someday be ‘pro’ in art and then be able to spend money on myself, but not yet – which is absolutely self-manipulation that became a constant in all aspects in my life when it comes to spending money on myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the materials that I used to start painting with the worth of ‘my painting skills’ themselves as being incipient and immature wherein I could simply ‘not afford’ to pay for a lot of money for me to start painting something that I could not deem as ‘worthy yet’ – within this valuing my expression according to the idea of people only earning market-value in the realm of arts after they are ‘well experienced’ in the field, wherein I diminished my initial paintings to being just ‘attempts of creations’ when comparing my expression to other artists and believing that I was not ‘good enough’ yet to make my work worthy of quality materials, which is linked to how money has defined the hierarchical values within everything that we do and how we accept such hierarchy according to skills and judgment of expression as being worth/ unworthy of spending money on something to support our expression.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only spend money on my works once that I would be a professional on the field – which is how I justified me using the lowest quality materials to create within the belief that I was not yet ‘worthy’ of quality materials, equating quality/ expensive materials to me only being able to get those when I would get to be in fact ‘worthy’ of them, in this diminishing my incipient expression as less than and fuckups and just ‘messing around’ with painting, without realizing that this very starting point became a constant wherein I could see my works as never ‘worthy’ of any form of market value or quality and justifying it with saying that my work was not meant to be ‘of quality’ but rather focusing on the message I wanted to portray.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to extend this quality of messiness and lack of dedication to the presentation of the work itself, because of using money as an excuse that I could and would only be delicate, specific and careful with my work once that I could afford the quality materials to do so, and that in the meantime everything that I created with recycled paper and cheap watercolors was only ‘fucking around,’ which became the actual experience that remained within me and art-creation, a fucking around with no self-direction in consideration of what it would take to really perfect myself and support myself to do and present things in the best possible way that I realized I could, but it would take actual dedication and effort to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only afford getting myself ‘quality stuff’ when being a professional, which is part of the self-belief of ‘not being worthy enough yet’ to give myself the best that I can and am able to afford to support myself and skills, which is a tendency of belittling myself according to ‘not being worthy of’ getting and receiving something that I have placed as ‘more valuable’ than myself itself, which is money and the social connotation that money has within the art world, wherein only ‘quality works’ are able to be sold for great amounts of money –therefore seeing myself always ‘on the way there’ but never taking a directive decision to make things the best possible way in a dedicated, careful, precise and clean manner, but would rather be messy and careless about presentation due to using money as an excuse and ‘not wanting to fit in’ within the realms of ‘fame and fortune’ while secretly desiring to be part of it as well, yet remaining righteous about my messiness and careless presentation as a reflection of me ‘not having enough money’ to do so, which is absolute self-manipulation and self-victimization in artwork itself to determine ‘who I am’ as a limited expression due-to and because of money. 

 

My very first ‘watercolor’ after I got very excited from the shop with those watercolors  (2003)

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything that I ever really wanted to do for the rest of my life was paint, listen to music/write album reviews, read, write stories and be locked in my house with no one bothering me at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I could write, paint, hear music, read for the rest of my life, living alone and ‘following my dreams’ wherein I could be deemed as this ‘talented person’ and ‘a true artist’ that could not afford any other distraction but always remaining creating/ being creative and expressing her tortured soul lol, which is how I came to justify my desires to escape of this world through linking escapism to ‘being creative’ and building my self-belief as ‘an artists’ as a way to actually retreat from the world and isolate myself from the rest of the world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into the belief that painting, drawing, listening to music, being secluded in my room reading and writing was all that I really wanted to do for the rest of my life, in order to justify my actual desire to not have to face the world that I had deemed as a ‘cookie monster’ that was too cruel and harsh for my ‘sensitive nature’ which I used as an excuse and validation to believe that: what I was meant to be and do was ‘art’ and that this is ALL that I can ever be, which implied a lot of self-talk into believing that I had this special features and ideas and visualizations that were revealing to me that ‘this was it’ for me, that I had to be and become an artist in either writing, painting or playing music.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to become an artist was based on the people I would see on TV as musicians that were having ‘a ball’ in their lives, playing music and being ‘creative,’ while earning a lot of money which is how I linked the idea of myself becoming an artist, earning a lot of money, becoming famous and having ‘a ball’ in my life with me being an eccentric creative person as a self-definition that I built for myself and as myself through following my thoughts and talking myself into believing that I had a message to bring and that I was really talented to create and ‘make art’ as a professional career.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had so much to say and speak and do that was not able to be portrayed with words, that I used images as a way to express myself – and within this giving it this ‘specialness aura’ wherein I believed for a time that words were not ‘good enough’ to satisfy my ‘inner visions’ and desire to express, which was just another way of wanting to be special and unique and original and misunderstood, which is also part of me not wanting to be ‘like the rest of the people,’ but have something ‘outstanding’ and ‘special’ according to how I had defined myself throughout my life to be an outsider, to be not like everyone else, to be special, to see things ‘differently’ and within this fitting my entire self-definition as ‘being an artist’ because all the definitions fit with the usual artistic profiles that I would read of ‘famous people,’ and saying ‘Yes! this is what I am!’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘the world overwhelmed me’ and in this thinking and believing myself to be this sensitive person that could only portray what I would see reality like through painting, which is and was a major mind-wash lol that I used in order to build and build and build the idea of myself as ‘an artist’ as a way to ensure that I become this ‘profile’ so much that it becomes inevitable for others to comply to my decision and support my self-definition of me being a creative person and having to become an ‘artist’ for life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use music, writing, reading, playing music as way to reinforce my idea of ‘no one understands me’ / ‘I am just too much of a sensitive being for this world’/ somebody help me! Wherein all of these activities would be accompanied with depressive states, gloomy visions about human nature and our reality, which is when I started writing in a way to feed my personalities and backchat to believe that the future would hold ‘better days’ for me, allowing me to wallow in y own self-created experience in order to have something to paint, write or ‘transmit’ through music – all of it was self-talk transformed into images to support the same self-talk.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be writing about myself back then (2003) as a way to future project a moment in time when such writings would become part of my biography as being this talented artist that had such ‘profound visions and perspectives on the world,’ which means that my writing became a way to reinforce my own mindfuck and self-definition of being a ‘special being’ with ‘special visions’ upon life as a way to validate my desire to be a ‘genuine artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘no one understands me!’ which is one of the reasons why I secluded and isolated myself from the rest of the world and entertained myself with me only painting, writing, reading, hearing and playing music for the sake of reinforcing this idealized version of the ‘hermit artist’ that requires to be silent and in a specific ‘mood’ in order to create, which is how I came to validate myself as being a sensitive being that would get into these ‘states of being’ to create.

 

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to see how I would actually talk myself and write myself into depression and experiences in order to later on just stop writing and start painting wherein everything that I had programmed within myself as this ‘gloomy’ perspective on my life and the world would be translated into a picture that I could then define as ‘expression’ and ‘art’ and make myself feel good about my own ‘depressive states’ that I deemed were the most ‘genuine’ ones, without seeing how I simply programmed myself to do so and there was never something special about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold Ok computer as a revelation to myself and my work wherein I believed that painting about the system and capitalism was ‘my thing’ and my message to the world, from the starting point of self-victimization and within holding these ideas of specialness of myself as ‘an artist in the making,’ which is precisely how I created myself as a particular personality, believing that it was just coming out of ‘myself,’ but it wasn’t, it was just me picking to be and become the dreams that I fueled from a very young age of wanting to be an artist and performing, dancing, playing music or painting as a professional career, which all came from what I would see in the media and what I would be fed by my parents as music and people performing as something to idolize and look up to.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mission in life was to paint and give a message to the world through my art, which became like an epiphany at that time and thinking that I had to do everything that I could in order to justify this ‘epiphany’ of being and becoming an artist so that I could eventually pick an artistic career, without actually admitting myself to see that this was due to the extensive judgment that I created toward the system according to what I would read, watch and hear as entertainment itself, which were mostly books, lyrics, people’s perspectives on how fucked the world is and how art is the perfect way to ‘escape from reality,’ which is what I embraced as my religion: escaping from reality through being creative.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that each painting held a mystery to me, and that my mission in life was to become a prophet-like person with my paintings, which was a reverend mindfuck that I fueled with and through my own perceptions and beliefs about myself and the world as being this ‘sensitive being’ that was being revealed ‘messages’ through paintings – all quite a substantial aspect of my self-religion as a creative, misunderstood person with a gift to present messages through images – all my own mindfuck.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start painting after a while holding the expectation of ‘what will people say about my paintings?’ and within this, starting to shape and mold my expression in order to satisfy others or what I believed others would like, wherein I started compromising myself in order to do things ‘for others’ and within the expectation of judgment, without realizing that whenever I would do this, I would end up being unsatisfied about the results and considering that I would ‘someday’ be ‘good enough at the eyes of others’ which became an actual obstacle in my creative processes and never considering that my work was ‘good enough’ and actually believing till this day that my work is just not good enough or lacking ‘professionalism’ within itself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually fear that people would judge my paintings and say that I was not an artist at all, wherein I would then fear having to ‘let go’ of my dream because of being labeled as ‘not good enough’ which didn’t happen and instead took the positive judgments of people as a way to reinforce my self-belief that ‘I was one the right track’ to become an artist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to make lots of paintings as a way to ensure that I could cover people’s different tastes and measure what I could continue doing and discontinue doing based on the feedback I would get, which means that I begun caging my expression based on wanting to satisfy others, compromising my ‘unconditional expression’ to suit others preferences and needs.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted an allowed myself to deliberately hide this bunch of paintings from my family because of not wanting to expose myself to them as being a tortured, depressive maniac that would paint some type of violent scenes that had in no way relationship to my ‘calm’ and pacific life locked up in my room, which became the way that I justified my distant stance toward them because of believing that ‘they would not understand,’ and feeling more and more like an alien at home because there was no one else interested in arts and culture the same way I was.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my ‘alienation’ at home based on me believing myself to be special and unique as ‘an artist’ that was misunderstood at home, using such thoughts to fuel my creation as a way to ‘want to escape’ and ‘find my real mission in life’ wherein I would picture myself living and being somewhere else but ‘here.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately instigate an emotional and feeling experience whenever I was painting, fueling it with music – such as being reading and abruptly getting a desire to paint and just turn on the music and grab my brushes and paint and get into this ‘inspirational moment’ that I simply would be building as a point of self-definition as an eccentric personality, yet making myself belief that I was in ‘the perfect moment’ to create, which is what started leading met o be more and more interested in the occult and unexplainable things in my reality that I thought would have a divine meaning, lol.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Painting is what I want to do for the rest of my life – placing writing and playing music as the other two options in the hierarchical value-scheme of ‘who and what I want to be when I grow up’ which is how I built my self-religion of being an artist, believing myself to be special and ‘resonating’ with some of the biographies I would read from artists wherein I could identify myself with them, thus fueling the belief that ‘I am on the right track, I must become an artist’ in almost an anxious and absolute excitement as a self-revelation of something ‘magnificent’ in my life, which I really took to the extremes as an actual energetic experience that I became used to fuel through music, words, thoughts, pictures and my own imagination of course, in order to believe that I was in fact discovering my ‘real mission in life’ and that it was a ‘special one,’ without actually seeing that all I was busy doing is entertaining myself within the arts/ cultural realms to not have to one day face the ‘harsh capitalist world’ of office jobs and regular money-making professions which I judged as ‘lower’ and ‘lesser evolved’ than being an ‘artist’ or a ‘philosopher’ or any other creative and reflective profession in the world, as if knowledge and art could be the actual ‘change’ in the world as both points currently exist as in our world system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to infatuate myself with beliefs of who and what I have to be and become, and stick to it like glue with no flexibility, which is how when getting married to a certain idea of myself it became equally difficult having to let go of it, because of all the meaning and ‘specialness’ I had built and fueled It with, which was the reason why I had such a breakdown when finding Desteni because of all the ‘effort’ that I had placed onto ‘my art’ and ‘my creations’ and my personality as this someone that is special and unique, thus having to let go of my specialness and uniqueness when realizing that all I had lived was preprogrammed life choices to entertain myself to not take self responsibility for the world.

 

My room 2003

 

Pattern: Following my desires and talking myself into believing that ‘this is it, this is what I’m meant to be doing for the rest of my life!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that ‘this is it, this is what I’m meant to be doing in my life’ based on constructing myself as the ideal of who I want to be based on affinity, attraction, desires and idealization so of who and what I can be and become as an ‘artist’/ painter in my life, based on the belief that all I am doing in my life is ‘searching my mission’ and within that, using every excuse, belief, and association of myself to a particular activity as ‘a mission’ or as a ‘sign’ that I must stick to that path no matter what and within this thinking process, develop an actual self-religion based on premises that I have created as an outflow of my own self-talk, self-belief and deliberate training to be and become that which I have valued as ‘special’ and ‘important’ and ‘mysterious’ such as art-making.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am making choices in my life based on ‘signs’ and some unnatural ‘force’ that is placing all of these points for me to consider as an actual career choice, just because of how I learned from a very young age as a kid that I ‘should know what I want to be when I grow up’ which became a constant and actual worry even at a tender age of 6-7 years old, wherein I thought that if I wanted to be an astronaut, I had to start studying the universe, picking up a book and starting reading about it in order to be ‘well prepared for when the time comes to be an astronomer/ astronaut’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of careers and the choice of it as the ‘most important decision in life’ wherein it seemed that once I had chosen what to study and what to be, I would be bound to it no matter what, which is how making decisions on what to study became a terrifying event in my life, preparing myself several years for it, just because of the belief that suddenly dropping out/ changing career or not living out of (making money from) the career one chooses is regarded by society as a failure, as not being successful enough, which became a fear in the background within myself, wherein I would push my self to ensure that I do not fail and fearing not eventually being in the ‘right career’ which did lead me to change careers and eventually realize that none of them is what I really wanted to be and become because all my choices were based on ‘who I am’ as my mind as preferences, likes and dislikes, which is now a point that I am ensuring is no longer defining my choices in life – this implies that I allow myself to not judge what I did and the decisions I took in the past, as I did not know anything else other than ‘following my desires/ dreams’ and never considered at all how I could contribute to make of this world a better place for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that I am walking through certain events and people, and things, and books, music, writing as ‘signs’ that I must follow and arrange like a puzzle to determine ‘my mission in life’ which is pretty much a spiritual-influenced type of decision due to the entire ‘aura’ of specialness that I got to know art had throughout human history, which became a fascination within me, leading myself to believe that because I was so fascinated with it, I had to be a part of it – in this using self-talk, backchat and basically convincing myself that I had to be in the art world because I had ‘talent’ for it, without ever really considering what I would be doing within the art world and how I would practically sustain and live, but following just a dream and using the belief that ‘I’ll sort the financial aspect as I go’ and in that, leaving things to just flow without me taking into consideration the actual practical aspects that would lead me to make an informed decision in my life, and not just following what I wanted, desired and liked based on enjoyment and personal desires, wherein the world system and the state of the world became the point that I wanted to avoid facing/ escaping from, using art as a socially acceptable way to do so in a ‘nice’ way wherein I could still earn money from the system, while doing what I like.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the preferences, likes and dislikes that I’ve created and supported throughout my life are those wherein my mind is able to thrive the most, as in fueling up self-definitions, ideas and experiences that are pretty much linked to the experience of myself as my mind, and not considering the practical physical reality wherein one has to earn money to live, which is how I took a decision in my life in an airy-fairy manner not considering practical living at all, but just day dreaming about me suddenly getting to be very famous and have enough money to fulfill my dreams, not realizing that this would lead me nowhere, because the world does not work like in dreams, but actual decisions are required to be taken in order to physically and practically be able to support myself, which is how I realize that all my self-talk and belief of wanting to be an artist was just escapism and calling it an affinity and ‘natural ability’ towards art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to absolutely disregard what’s best for all and me taking a position in the world to be part of the change that I wanted to see in the world, but instead chose a career in order to ‘step out of the system’ – apparently and not have to face it as my responsibility, but rather be ‘creative’ about it as a way to just show that I was loathing the system and being unsatisfied with it, and calling it ‘art’ and ‘expression,’ without considering that I could in fact prepare myself to be part of the solution that I see and realize this world requires, which is now a point that I realize I will take on within my life as it is never too late to accept that we made the wrong decisions and from here on, direct ourselves to a point that is of actual benefit to humanity and myself as one and equal to create a new world system that regards Life in Equality –

 

My room – (View from the sofa I always used to sit from) 2003

 

Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself believing that art is a ‘superior human activity’ I stop and I breathe- I realize that I have brainwashed myself to believe that in order to justify my decision in life based on wanting to be an ‘artist’ just so that I could remain isolated, doing ‘what I want/ what I like’ on my own, which is an aspect of my entire personality that sought to be a hermit, not socializing and only fueling and becoming an ‘erudite’ in my field – arts in general – to value knowledge and ‘my profession’ over my own life. Thus, I direct myself to equalize all human activities as equal wherein I stop wanting to do something over another activity based on how I have arranged them in my mind, but instead, take all activities and my participation within the world according to the practicality and priority of such activities in my world, instead of following only a desire to experience myself in a certain positive way.

 

When and as I see myself seeking to buy only the cheapest for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘buy the cheapest’ is family ingrained ideas that money is a scarce thing and that we rather buy the cheapest to ‘save money,’ wherein saving money became a fear to lose money itself, being constantly fueled and reactivated every time that I would direct myself to the cashier and letting go of money as in losing that ‘security’ as ‘my savings.’ Within this, I realize that I can let go of the idea that by buying the cheapest I am ‘securing myself as money,’ because this is just an idea and ingrained belief toward money itself, with no actual foundation other than what I learned from my parents with regards to ‘taking care of money’ and always seeking to spend the least money on what we buy and consume for ourselves, seeing higher prices as a luxury that is simply not-affordable for ourselves.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘ecofriendly’ as in not generating too much waste and using ‘the least’ for myself such as painting over used paper, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just a self-belief as ‘the saver’ in terms of money and resources, without realizing that everything that I consume in this world has an environmental impact that I am mostly unaware of until I study and inform myself how things are created, which only become knowledge and information that I worry about and ‘avoid,’ without realizing that such processes could actually be transformed/ changed and improved to be done in less-harmful ways if we establish a monetary system that is based upon Life itself as a self-supportive system, instead of seeing the production and commercialization of products as ways to earn money/ make a lot of profit which is the reason why we still consume in harmful and careless ways the resources of the earth, which implies that I must first stop the judgment toward what I use and instead direct myself to establish such solution so that all abuse in all aspects in this world can be stopped, one point at a time, beginning with me not making of money the real god and decision-maker in and of my life.

 

When and as I see myself to feel guilty for spending money on myself, buying what I need and materials and anything that I regard as ‘non-essential,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am manipulating myself to feel like a victim through belittling myself as not being ‘worth it,’ wherein I am using the value-system of things and money itself in comparison to myself and my own life, which is not acceptable as this is how we create our own hierarchical levels of ‘what I’m worthy of/ what I’m not yet worthy of’ based on the social rules of valuing people, career, things, qualities as ‘more’ than ourselves, instead of realizing Life as the one and only real value wherein money wont’ define ‘who I am’ or how I can or cannot support myself, but can instead become a single too to support ourselves in the best manner possible, which implies that there will be no more limitation based on money itself and the fear of ‘lacking money/ ending up with no money’ as a constant survival fear that is existent every time that I pay money for that which I require to live and to create.

 

When and as I see myself going through the thinking pattern of ‘being worthy of using something expensive’ I stop and I breathe – I realize I am comparing myself to the values placed through a monetary convention that in no way regard life in Equality, wherein expensiveness is linked in my mind to being professional, to ensure that I won’t squander resources/ money and that I’ll make ‘the most of it’ wherein art and creation is then not unconditional but always taking into consideration the amount of money spent on the materials and everything that is bought in order to create, which is the reason why and how self-expression is not FREE in this world as everything I’ve done is equated to money wherein even ‘skills’ are able to be paid for according to the rules and regulations of the system, that do not consider the value of expression as life itself, but as a monetary value that we are all bound to in this current economic system.

 

When and as I see myself not doing things the best possible way that I see and realize I am capable of, due to how I am valuing the materials as ‘cheap’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the materials and the price of it is but a social convention to believe that there is something ‘more’ or ‘less than’ according to the price they are sold with, which is how I have been an elitist in my own ‘doings’ wherein: If I am dealing with cheap materials = I have not put enough effort to do things properly and well, but equate my application to the value of the ‘cheap materials,’ with a sense of ‘not really giving a fuck’ because ‘it’s not expensive’ – and doing the opposite wherein: if I am dealing with expensive materials = I make sure I take care of each bit of material, I am the most careful person toward it in fear of losing money as in squandering such material, which is how everything that I do becomes an extension of wasting/ saving money itself, wherein the actual point of expression that should be constant and consistent regardless of ‘prices’ is compromised to the monetary values I add to and regard as ‘important’ within my reality.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately careless and doing things ‘half-assed’ or in a ‘messy way,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is actually a way to not have to push myself to expand my abilities and step out of my mind-frame of limitations and instead, challenge myself to do things the best way that I am aware I can be and direct myself to become if walking a point breath by breath in consideration of whatever I am doing really being an expression of who and what I realize I am, wherein I no longer accept myself to create out of just seeking an experience or wanting to continue defining myself as careless or a wreck in my creations, but in fact take a moment to see who I am in that moment of expression within any activity in my world, and making a decision of what and who I want to be in that moment considering what is best for all – and then act accordingly. With this I ensure that I do not sabotage myself to think that it’s ‘okay’ to do things half way and ‘more or less alright,’ instead of realizing that I am determining myself and the entirety of who I am in each moment in every action and decision I take, wherein allowing me to walk the ‘half path’ is in fact spiting myself and sabotaging my ability to challenge myself and walk in self-directive way wherein what is best for all as myself is directed in common sense as that which I want to be and become as self-perfection that is able to be walked with enough patience and consistency in application, as all mastery is in fact able to be achieved if practical application, self-determination and consistency is placed as a constant application within myself in everything that I do, no matter ‘what’ I do.

 

When and as I see myself using money as an excuse to not do things properly as in having ‘no quality material to work with’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am mimicking the hierarchical system wherein materials are not just ‘matter’ from the Earth but are valued according to a price tag that I am using as an excuse to not do things properly because of believing that the worth of material as the money that they represent is ‘not much’ hence I can equally ‘not give much/ not do much’ instead of giving all my attention, focus and dedication to use whatever means I have to create, to express and to work with, without assessing my own effort in relation to the ‘quality’ of the materials as the amount of money they represent, which is mimicking the world-system of money as my own application. I instead equalize my application regardless of how much money the materials cost – expensive or cheap – and commit myself to express, do and use what is here in the best possible way to ensure that no matter what I use, where I am, how much money I spend on myself, I stop defining ‘who I am’ in relation to money as a value over myself as life.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am ‘not following my dreams’ and I am ‘missing out on life’ as the dreams of wanting to be a writer, painter, musician or anything else related to arts – I stop and I breathe – I realize that such careers were based upon my decision and desire to ‘step out of/ escape’ the system due to and because of not wanting to take responsibility for myself and this world, but instead rather trying to and attempting to make money out of ‘escaping the system’ through dedicating myself to art, without realizing that I can in fact prepare myself to take on a position in the world system wherein I can support myself and others to establish a new world system based on life in equality, wherein ‘my dreams’ of creative-processes can wait to be walked and expressed once that money is no longer a problem and an obstacle for expression, not only for myself but for everyone that I see and realize are equally affected by money being a limitation to an actual self-expression through/ as art.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to isolate myself resorting into music, painting, reading only and not interacting with anyone in my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in such moments I am in fact seeking to ‘escape myself’ and entertain myself to not do and face and walk what I have to do, walk and direct as self-support. Therefore I direct myself in such moments to allow myself to check the starting point of such desire to ensure that I do not use such ‘fleeting desire’ as a way to stop being self directive and ‘fly away’ – but instead simply realize that I can give myself a moment to express and draw/ paint/ read or listen to music without it becoming an absolute ‘escapism mechanism’ as a repeated pattern in my everyday living.

 

When and as I see myself still desiring the experience of ‘being an artist’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that everything that I sought was to be and become like people on TV and the media that are ‘artists’ and apparently have a great life that is only possible do to Money being the main factor linked to this ‘happiness’ and ‘fulfillment’ ideal of ‘living’- when in fact none of it is actually physically real as an expression of life but is the abuse of life made business as role-models that represent’ the ‘ultimate happiness’ as having lots of money which I have linked to ‘being an artist = having money’ as the ultimate freedom from the system, while feeding From the system itself, which was my initial ‘target’ in my career: being in the system but not ‘of the system’ apparently, without realizing I was consuming the exact same desire of success just like everyone else in this world.

 

When and as I see myself using the example of an artist’s life to compare my own life and experience to theirs and validate my ‘career choice,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only using another’s personality design to validate and excuse my own self-created personality design to maintain myself within such limitation while using ‘famous artists’ as an example to follow as ‘who I wanted to be,’ which is all based on desires for money, fame and personal-glorification as the ultimate self interest wherein life in equality is not part of the equation at all. Thus I realize that fueling self-definitions is the way that the system has ensured its own continuity, instilling the same desires and dreams within people through advertising itself as media/ entertainment/ arts / culture as everything is linked to the same monetary system, which implies that no ‘choice’ in life is really based on self-understanding of life in equality and promoting a new way of living, but they are all linked to preserving and perpetuating the same world system of money as inequality.

 

When and as I see myself correlating my life and what I do as ‘signs’ that I should be and become an artist I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am reacting to my own associations and networks of comparison from me toward other ‘famous people’ that I believed I was ‘similar to’ in how I would ‘see the world,’ and this feeding my own desire to be special and unique as ‘an artist,’ which is just another personality design within the system that in no way considers being or becoming a human being that stands for life in an actual position wherein this can be created and manifested, but instead only made it into an elusive ideal and ‘dream’ like thing to use as theme and topic of art works, but not considering the practical steps to create such change in this world, which is how I now direct myself to see where I am the most effective to become part of the actual process of creating and installing a change in this world to life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have a ‘mission in life’ and a ‘specific purpose’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am using this aura of ‘specialness’ and desire to be ‘unique’ as in believing that I have this ‘special purpose in life’ linked to my career and ‘what I will be doing’ in this world, which is in no way something special, unique or ‘god given,’ but instead is and will be a process of taking the necessary informed decisions as to where I can be the most effective within the process that we are walking as the implementation of life in Equality and Oneness and How I can practically assist and support myself to walk the process to place myself in such position as I realize that nothing is like ‘a dream’ that I can just jump into and see ‘where it goes,’ but that I have to now take and make decisions wherein I practically look at the necessary steps to take to get to the position that I see I am required to be and take on in my world, in accordance to the support and implementation required to establish the Equal Money System as a living solution for all beings on Earth wherein expression in itself will stop being just another commodity and asset in itself, only possible for those that can afford it, which is how this process of self-equalization is priority for all before we can start discovering what Self-Expression actually means.

 

When and as I see myself admiring other’s expressions as art and desiring to be doing the same – I stop and I breathe – I bring myself back to earth to realize that the priority in my world and within this process that I am walking is not art creation but establishing a world that is best for all as Life, which is a process of educating ourselves to stand in positions wherein we can practically implement a new system that supports life – in this I commit myself to direct myself to play my part within the equation and realizing that no matter what I decide to do, I will give it all of myself within the realization that no ‘artwork’ can be an actual living expression of self as long as such artwork or artistic activity is still linked to and defined by the current monetary system.

 

I realize that my desire to paint and create stemmed more from a point of abdicating self-responsibility and following my dreams as entertainment rather than an actual process of placing myself in a position of support to change the world and support myself to stand as such change, which were points and aspects that I in no way considered when delving myself into the art world, and in fact doing the exact opposite. Thus, I see that I brainwashed myself to make my ‘dreams’ and desires of escapism as ‘acceptable’ in order to not have to face myself, which is how and why the decision I’ve made to not follow through fully within the art-career as a living-process is in the best interest of all and myself to learn what it is to walk the world system in fact – and not only continuing my own desires of self-interest and personal self-glorification, which doesn’t meant that I will ‘stop creating absolutely,’ but just not following through with it as an actual career that I can make money of, as I see there are points that require immediate support and assistance beginning with my own training and understanding of this world and reality, to walk the points as myself and be the example of what is required to be done as this process to actually change the world into a system that is best for all.

This will continue….

 

“I commit myself to Restore Real Spirituality to Earth as the SPIRIT as Life as Equal as What is Best for Each One.

I commit myself to Set Life Free from the Drive for Profit so that Each Life can Live Life to the Best, in the Time Given to Each One.” Bernard Poolman*

 

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  Desteni I Process

• Desteni Forum for further support

• Support the Equal Money System so that Creation is no longer Bound to MONEY and FREE Expression can Really exist

Marlenoise (2003) Always with headphones on lol

 

Walk through the gallery with the works I made with those ‘cheap watercolors and recycled paper’ among other drawings here

MarlenLife’s album / 2003

 

 

Blogs:

*Day 72: Is Profit Driving the Spirit?

Love is to Accept Each-Other’s Evil: DAY 72

 

Vlogs:

2010 FREEDOM of Expression is NOT Existent

2011 Art in Equality: Be your own Work of Art

2012 Existential Woes: Stop and Know Yourself

 

 

Must Hear Interviews on YouTube by Sunette Spies:

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  How to Become Life

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  Karma Explained

‘The Outcast’: self-imposed tag

I  have found and realize that I used to judge and dislike people that would place tags upon others – I didn’t realize that I was in fact doing exactly the same, no only within my secret mind toward others in an automated way, but toward myself as a ‘choice’ within the suit that I wore as a personality.

I read very interesting realizations on Bella’s blog Relationships as Limitation Bubbles & Fear as Self-Abuse which ties in with a point that I have also lived throughout my life and it was only last night that I realized how we have projected onto others our own acceptance, perceiving ourselves to be rejected or even fearing being rejected which can only exist if self-acceptance is not in place.

I remember my mother talking to me when I went through a ‘difficult time’ of facing being bullied in school and becoming very sad and worried about it, and she would say ‘don’t care about what others say, whatever they think and say to you is only about themselves,’ and this supported me for a while and made me ‘stronger’ in a way – however only as temporary fix because the origin of the point was not sorted out, which was self-acceptance. I was only 7 or 8 years old then, so this wasn’t even within my ‘frame of reference’ at the time.

 

When going into junior school/ secondary school, I began struggling with going into a bigger school and seeing how people had these different ‘groups’ that would not talk to each other. I came from a school wherein the last year of elementary school we were less than 10 in the class, and we would all talk to each other and hang out together. Thus going from this small group into a group of almost 40 -in a generation of 6 groups – certainly broadened my perspective of how people would behave in terms of ‘friends’ and having their particular ‘gangs’ so to speak. I would talk to most of the people in my class, however I still would avoid not talking to some that I had judged for whatever idea of myself I had as ‘not being compatible’ with them, mostly based on preferences/ personality and level of ‘intellect’ which was another point that I would use as a means of separation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from people based on how I could ‘get along with them’ or not in relation to ‘intellect’ and being able to relate to others within the starting point of identifying myself as a certain personality

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discriminate others based on the idea of ‘intellect’ and comparing myself to others and within that, deciding ‘who I would talk to’ in relation to how I would classify people in terms of them being ‘intelligent’ or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an intellectual elitist wherein I would avoid talking/ getting along with beings that I deemed as slower/ dumb without realizing that in that I had become my own personal-limit to get along with others in means of conviviality.

 

What I realized last night is how I had gone through a process of being ‘left out’ of a group of friends and went through the fear of having to spend recess time alone – which is something that petrified me at that time –  and how I eventually did the same ‘segregation process’ toward others. It’s fascinating to see how in my mind I was ‘the victim of those that didn’t accept me’ but in fact, I had done the exact same thing not only in school, but with people in my family and virtually with any person walking down the street that I would immediately profile and decide if I could ‘talk to that person’ or not, all based on my own preferences/ likes and ideas of myself. I had disregarded the fact that I was also doing the same that had been done onto me, yet I justified it with my self-belief of ‘not everyone being able to get along’ and having the ability to choose who to talk to or not.

 

We become our own dictators within our self-regime of who we like, who we judge, why we judge and vindicate all of that because of being a particular ‘personality,’ which in my case was also a perceived ‘odd one’ that found her place within such category, and eventually accepted by others within that same tag. And this was not only with ‘classmates’ -even though school was the main ‘realm’ I lived through within my life – but also toward family members or any other being that I would then decide I would like or dislike. I would be very judgmental and laconic, almost ‘rude’ when expressing with people that I had decided I would Not want to talk to for the reasons mentioned previously, and I can remember this experience as a ‘knowing’ that they simply wanted to communicate and talk – yet in my dictatorship they would not ‘fit in’ within the type of people I wanted to hang out with – so I would avoid replying or following a conversation with them. However, I wore the suit of ‘being the solitary one’ as a defense and excuse to actually be able to decide who do I talk to and who I don’t in terms of ‘closer relationships.’

 

It was interesting because I could talk to people, but when it came to having ‘close friendships’ I had none, not until high school with one person in my entire generation.I became judgmental and/ or ‘picky’ and created this idea of myself as ‘knowing better’ than them, eventually only ostracizing me to the point of spending my time alone, just having a ‘bad time’ every time that I was not in class until I eventually got used to it for the lack of a better experience.

 

The point with all of this is realizing how within my mind I was ‘rejected’ but in fact, I was the only one that had created such self-imposed rejection and separation through my own value schemes. I became very aware that the moment that I found ‘someone’ that I could ‘relate to’ based on how we profile relationships and types of people, I was extremely open and enthusiastic about talking and sharing, it was almost an immediate ‘friendship’ that I’m now aware was one of those necessary preprogrammed points in order for me to get into various experiences later on in my life.  However the point of recognition between both of us came through this self-ejected stance wherein we would believe ourselves to be ‘outcasts,’ yet we were the only ones that had ejected ourselves, simply because of being existing in an almost elitist way toward the rest of the people. And I’m sure that this  is how it works. Even the ‘outcasts’ had their group and would look at you weird if you dared to talk to them – lol I remember this and realized how weird it was that people that perceived themselves to be ‘rejected’ would actually reject another from approaching them. But I did the same so –  it has been the way we have ‘accepted’ social-relationships to function, which is quite fucked up to say the least.

 

So, high school to me was the time wherein I went from being quite an uncomfortable loner to a ‘loner’ that had been able to integrate and share and speak with everyone in my class. I would not ‘hang out with them,’ but I deliberately would talk to everyone. I realized that I had antagonized myself toward the ‘beautiful people’ and I actually learned quite a cool ‘lesson’ once that I opened up and communicated with them. It was funny because they had accepted me as this ‘rebel’ and I had accepted them as the ‘pretty people.’ One of those girls once told me something along the lines of ‘just because you perceive ourselves to care about how we look and are shallow doesn’t mean that we are stupid.’ I realized in that moment how I had in fact placed myself as ‘above them’ all the time and that they had just voiced out the backchat that I had held as ‘tag’ on them  and they knew, and they accepted that as a fact, and we would still talk in the classroom.

 

I have to bring up the point that this is a Jesuit school and there’s people with loads of money the same as people that do not have that much money and I was just in between.  Money would be a factor that decided ‘who’s who’ within school – however the education was based in us recognizing our ability to work together, communicate and not discriminate one another. That was a very cool aspect about it because it did support us to leave our ‘differences’ aside when it came to getting along, this made our conviviality a lot easier, even if being around 37 people in class.

 

I had a specific relationship that went from absolute hate to a very cool acceptance or even ‘school friendship’ with someone that dared to challenge my ‘self righteousness.’ He was part of the ‘rich people’ that I had judged as too ‘cocky’ and believing himself to be ‘more’ than the rest, which was the point that absolutely vexed me – never realized I was doing the exact same thing of course.

I’m actually grateful about the policies in that school. Somehow because I was a ‘good student’ and I had a history of being ‘isolated,’ our counselor called me to her office one day when we were about to finish the first year in high school and asked me ‘who do you want to be with in your next year’s class and who do you Don’t want to be with? So I only gave the name of one or two girls that I could work well and get along with in terms of school work – when I had to choose the person I did  Not want to be with, I chose this guy, stating that I could not stand his guts. From that moment on, I remained with those girls for all three years of high school, but also with the same guy, which was quite a cool move from our counselor even though I had expected to not see him again for the remainder of my stance in that school. This allowed me to face my fear of having to ‘deal with him’ in my class.

 

What happened is that because were deliberately placed in the same class, we worked out our differences through actually communicating. We stopped sitting in opposite sides of the class and eventually would sit close so that we could talk and debate about stuff from life, school, politics. Eventually I learned a lot from him, I realized that we were able to work together in school works and place our preferences aside when it came to working in teams. At the end of high school in our final ‘spiritual retirement,’ we both forgave our initial hatred toward each other and recognized our mutual appreciation and learning-process within walking through the ‘hatred’ point toward each other in front of the entire generation. I realized how much I had judged him and how much he had judged me essentially because of having stepped onto each others’ toes all the time, just because of how we perceived each other to be as ‘different personalities’ or types of people or ‘too opinionated’ lol. That was a cool moment because to me, he had represented ‘hell’ and someone I could not ‘stand’ at all, and in the end he became probably a ‘good friend.’

 

We supported each other in one way or another to get a notch down from our ego and self-righteousness, we both walked through the resistance, cease the fear and judgment and eventually end up appreciating each other. Sounds like a cool story – and I’m quite sure that if this was able to be worked out with everyone in this world, things would really change. I guess that was a very specific case wherein I allowed myself to get to know a being, in spite of how we were ‘opposite personalities’ and our world/ reality/ lives were apparently ‘too different’ – however when placing that aside, we realized that communication does not have to be based on relating to each other’s preferences and ‘lifestyles,’ but actually talking about stuff that relates to all. He’s a lawyer at the moment and he is from a family of politicians. I would tease him saying that when he would be the president, he should give me a project to paint somewhere or do some artwork for a governmental building, lol.

 

Alright, wrote a lot on that,  but that’s part of my realizations of how I lived this ‘isolation’ simply because I had chosen it, I had imposed it onto myself because I eventually realized it was all my own creation and deliberate decision to ‘not fit in’ because I had created myself as ‘not wanting to fit in’ – it really wasn’t like something that was suddenly imposed onto me = I created it, and it was mostly from this idea of being superior/ knowing better/ being better by myself.  At the end of school, when my only friend wasn’t there any longer, I would just stay in a place wherein I could watch the sunset and read a book. I wasn’t feeling ‘rejected’ any longer, it had become a ‘decision’ still based on personality, however I wasn’t uncomfortable about it in that moment, because I would be talking more to people while being in class.

 

Things changed when hanging out with people outside of school. Suddenly I was not being ‘accepted’ because of being able to talk and relate to others in school terms, but this was about personal relationships that one develop as friendships based entirely on personality – no practical ‘teamwork’ here. And that’s where the oddity began for real, because even though I was able to ‘choose’ who to hang out with, I went through a face of fearing losing such relationships –  until I faced my ‘biggest fear’ which was losing these people, being ‘once again alone.’ And, for the most part, I’ve been ‘alone’ for the past 5 years –except one year when I went to the farm – wherein my life was simply going to school, having the regular interactions with people in class and that’s it. I never went to a single ‘party’ in college and that might be as odd as can be, but I wasn’t simply interested in that.  A ‘fear’ of ‘having missed the entire art school experience’ comes only now that I’m done with it, fearing that I didn’t use the opportunity to the maximum to actually develop skills there, but only ‘went through it’ mostly because of placing all my focus and attention to the process we’re walking here – however this is only a mind fear, as in ‘being missing out the party/ missing out on life’ which is something that took me quite a while to grasp, simply because of that same idea of ‘living through experiences.’

 

When stopping friendships and relationships, I realized that I had to now face myself after having feared losing everyone – even if ‘they’ meant 3 people or 4 to the max – and stand alone.

 

For the past almost 2 years I have been alone and I see it as a necessary time to get comfortable in that aloneness, simply because of how much I had feared it yet desired it at the same time. It’s an odd game that we play wherein in fact we all seek to be able to get along with each other and we can only ‘fear’ it because of other fears, judgments, even being used to ‘being alone’ as well, which I can recognize wherein at times I simply wanted to be alone again when being with lots of people. Entering a relationship in fear of losing it is already something that I can recognize going through as well.

So within all of these fears and eventually facing them in real-life, I was able to recognize the energetic addictions that we develop toward either being alone/ not being alone as a point of self-definition, an experience that we feed as ourselves which keeps us bound to one pole or the other, instead of standing within this point of self-acceptance as an individual = alone – yet the point is to stop the experience of ‘loneliness’ which has been quite a process for me. And I had only lead me to a single spot: getting to a point of self-acceptance, self-enjoyment that I had realized I could experience after having been so addicted to/ attached to living my ‘life’ through and with others and being constantly seeking our ‘next greatest excitement’ through various ways.

 

I stopped avoiding being alone and embraced that point as an ability to appreciate myself, which I hadn’t done before, even when ‘being accepted by others’ I would take that as an ‘add on’ to my self-appreciation, never ‘gave it to myself/ accepted it as myself’ so to speak. And now, I am starting to realize that it is only within this starting point of self-agreement as self-appreciation, self-acceptance standing alone that I see how these dependencies to either being accepted/ rejected, being ‘in’ or ‘out’ of a particular social context was only existent within me as a self-imposed limitation based on my personality/ ego as preferences, judgments and essentially the ‘elitist’ eye that I would view everyone with, wherein I would deliberately decide who do I mingle with and who do I just ‘talk to in means of not generating enemies’ which was another story.  I went through making sure that I would talk to everyone in order to not generate any antagonism as the one that I had experienced with the guy that I wrote about earlier on. This is how I see politicians functioning at the moment with people, they tend to want to not generate any conflict/ antagonism/ rejection with the people, so they present themselves in a particular way expecting to always be liked, never opposed, even though the opposition becomes an inevitable thing within this world.

 

So – fear of being alone and my various judgments toward people became quite a cool thing to walk through within my life, probably not even realizing much about it because we tend to only keep certain details about our experience of the past in our mind, which makes us either love it or hate it and remove all the actual interactions that might have led to a tiny bit of a change and realization through interacting with people. The point is that if I had not allowed me to, for example, get along with that person that I had judged extensively or even ‘detested’ at some point, I would not have allowed that point of expansion within myself. I remember people asking me ‘how was I able to ‘stand him’?’ because in their mind schemes we were like oil and water and could not fathom us getting along – so that’s an indication how even at the eyes of others based on these same ‘schemes,’ we tend to segregate each other and categorize wherein anything that simply could not ‘get along with each other’ is seen as an aberration within their ideas of ‘how the world should be.’  It was actually quite cool to be vulnerable with each other and get to know that in spite of his perceived ‘fame and fortune,’ he had a really tough time within feeling rejected and hated by most of the people – which was a similar pattern another similar guy once shared with me -which revealed another aspect of how I had been part of those people that despised him simply because of perceiving him as conceited and ‘too cocky’ to give a fuck about anything. But in fact, he dealt with a lot of internal conflict because of how everyone would judge him, without allowing themselves/ ourselves to actually get to know him. So, it was cool getting to see the other side of the coin and break-through those limitations.

 

I share this because to me this was an experience that changed my approach toward beings, allowed me to not discriminate just because of how people would look like or how I would profile them. When getting to college and having various different types of classmates, I was able to get along with most and realized that it could only be a judgment that kept me from speaking with others. And from there and later on in art school, I mostly remained ‘alone’ as in not always being with someone in particular – yet was able to share, talk and enjoy other’s presence. That was definitely also because of already been walking this process and facing all possible judgments on my face.

 

From this perspective I would see myself ‘out of the circuit’ of how people would get along with some and dislike others/ judge others and segregate themselves – it was like me being just ‘there’ and not really playing the game of taking a particular side or antagonize another in particular – as it seemed it sometimes ‘worked’ there. It was actually odd for me to get along with someone and having some other person saying hi to me, yet not saying hi to the other person I was with simply because they had a ‘story’ behind. I simply did not follow through such separation, I would then explain how I would not stop talking to someone based on what others might think about them. It’s fascinating how within a single classroom you get all of these different ‘groupings’ that oppose each other – no wonder how when looking at the world, we have wars manifested out of that single separation that – once again – begins with a point of identification that separates us from the rest, from realizing we are in fact one and equal and have to now establish a conviviality based on Equality.

 

This is how to wrap this up, I agree with Bella and everyone at Desteni on how we have realized that Equality is the solution to all separation in this world, this is the only way that we can in fact sort our differences out not by ‘tolerating them’ or ‘getting along with it’ – but actually self-forgiving them within the realization that they have been specific mechanisms to divide us and in such division, be easily polarized and controlled. Equality means then the actual realization of our full potential if we dare to work as equals. For that, Desteni as a group is already proof of that, wherein a single Life Principle can become the driving force that keeps the cohesive stance of each other as equals.

It is only Equality that can prevail in this world.

 

Read:

• Relationships as Limitation Bubbles & Fear as Self-Abuse

Watch:

• Fear Project – YouTube videos
• Fear of Missing out on Life

• 2011 From Misfits to Self-Caring beings: Destonians – 1 – – YouTube

• 2011 From Misfits to Worthing Ourselves as Life: Destonians – 2

Check out the Free book about who we are:

• How I Was Able to Hear the Desteni Message

 

Visit the Desteni Forum for further support

Inter-net

The internet has created bridges that we probably never really imagined in our past as humanity would have been able to be built. For this, it’s cool to be living in this moment wherein I am able to share, communicate, express and be part of a global movement that is moving through/ as the internet, wherein I have now become used to being constantly participating as a daily point of communicating, sharing and supporting myself to get to know ‘how the world works,’ which is what this ‘information era’ has allowed us to reach at the click of a mouse.

I am Here and this is what I realize, I share myself because I have been equally supported by a group of people that also realized that the internet was the way to reach people around the world and create a total revolution within humanity, it’s been a ‘silent’ one for many – however the effects of people understanding what’s common sense and considering Equality as a starting point in everything we do, remains as a ‘nagging thought’ even for those that initially or deliberately judge and criticize the Desteni message with all types of prejudices – mostly out of that initial fear everyone has to change. 

 

Through us Destonians being sharing ourselves through writing, sharing videos, information, participating in forums – we  are literally creating a ‘new cyberspace’ to be and become self-honest people that care enough to share themselves and walk a process of Self Honesty to stand as equal points of responsibility within our own lives, and eventually toward the whole world as well.

 

Me and Self-Exposure within the Internet

See, I had a tendency to fear conflict, fear of having to ‘expose’ myself within the internet, I saw it as the equivalent of going out in the night through dark alleys wherein you never know who’s going to attack you next, I feared criticism and judgment from others toward myself. My initial desire to have internet had to do with fulfilling preferences of downloading music only.

 

I nagged my father a lot to have internet – essentially buying me a modem at that time. Lol, my cousins would make fun of me because of being ‘building my own websites’ without having internet and within that, imagining that I was surfing the internet. When I did get it, I was just happy to be able to research on what I liked, reading artists biographies and everything else that had to do with music. I formed some relationships for several years at forums, people that I got to meet because of music mostly and these were people that definitely influenced myself to the extent of being one of the ‘bridges’ that I had to eventually get to Desteni at some point – even if they didn’t get to it themselves.

So – within forming all of these relationships through the internet, I became used to ‘being connected to the world’ and essentially creating a dependency to it – see the words: relationship-dependency. So – the process now is to remove all tags of ‘dependency’ toward the internet, and using it for what it is, a way we have to communicate with others, the world, to educate ourselves, to share and be part of an actual process of self-realization and self-correction required in order to understand how we have created this system as it is – it is essentially an ideal tool to do so.

 

I know that If I didn’t have internet, I would not be doing what I’m doing right now with/ as my life, as Desteni, as this process of Self-Responsibility. I would have kept myself in a very comfortable bubble of entertainment and following my dreams and desires with no further consequence to see ‘what’s going on in the world’ – this is hypothetical really, who knows what could have happened in reality so let’s just say that I wouldn’t be doing what I am now doing.

 

So the point is, I’ve had intermittent internet or no-internet at all for the past days which is somehow breaking a routine within my every day living. Though, what’s interested is that I noticed a point of ‘temptation’ coming-through wherein my mind then feels ‘too comfortable’ for not having to ‘be there’ all the time (be there = internet, communicating, participating) and within this, I acknowledge that my participation within the world at the moment happens through the internet mostly. So, not having internet is a way for me to ‘get too comfortable’ within this disconnection because it means ‘I have an excuse to not participate’ or not share and communicate with the world, which is how I used to exist: only being with myself, not talking to all people, but only to those that I thought could ‘understand me,’ I spent living a life through other’s eyes within reading books, listening to music, painting and all of that which satisfied my personal desires and ideals.

 

At that time I had already withdrawn from being constantly watching news and/or being ‘politically informed,’ because I had given up within the idea of realizing that wanting to be a ‘powerful person in this world’ involved getting down-and-dirty within a ‘corrupt world.’ I obviously didn’t go further into researching the system and how it all works for real – I just took the easy way out, deciding to study something that could at least get me closer to ‘feeling like a human’ than a money-making machine. Oh yes, I screwed up myself within that I had to walk through the entire decision until this day.

 

So, it’s a cool thing to be able to look back and see that I have come quite a long way from that initial resistance I had toward sharing myself, it was a deliberate push but also a process I understood from the group perspective = moving as a single ‘force’ within the system, within social media. Without having the understanding of what ‘walking as a group’ implies, I would have probably recoiled back to my old patterns of seclusion and just keeping my little depressive bubble in place, because even in such misery I was comfortable – nothing was disturbing me other than my own thoughts and personal relationships, it was all I had to ‘take care of’ at that time.

 

No Internet

So, obviously when seeing myself ‘out of the internet’ for a longer time, I get these memories of ‘who I was’ before I was into Desteni or the internet and believe that I could get ‘too comfortable’ by not being active in the internet again, which is literally a mindfuck only, but cool to see that it comes up as it is an indication that such ‘back door’ is still existent yet dormant somewhere ‘up there.’

 

I also see how ‘not having access to the internet’ becomes like a ‘time off’ of my responsibilities within it – which is then what I have defined as ‘too comfortable,’ because we all know that by human design, we would ‘feel better’ if there was nothing to worry about or be in charge of. However, I am now in charge of several points and this means that I must have access to the internet in a constant basis.

 

When coming back from SA, I spent two weeks without having internet – at least not being there the whole time and/ or having very limited time and access to it. But, because I was in another country, I would see it as a way to get some ‘time off’ as actual vacations for it, but the truth is that the point of daily participation in the internet was existent as a thought in the back of my head the whole time.

 

So it is to remove any ‘dependency’ toward it or idea of ‘having to be somewhere else’ and simply direct myself in every moment that I can or can’t be in the internet. This should not mean in any way ‘separating myself from process’ or the actual walking we do here – it is about using what’s here when and if available – otherwise I don’t have to nag myself with that constant worry or preoccupation that doesn’t allow me to simply direct myself in every moment.

It’s very simple –though the mind ‘loves’ to make it a lot more than what it actually is.

 

The reality is that I have made the decision for myself to get myself ‘out there’ and it’s been a very lengthy process. I mean, I had all forms of resistances to open up a blog to share myself, to record vlogs, to open up accounts in all the usual ‘social media’ – I avoided Facebook for like the first two years I had an account there, and I would have probably never broadcasted myself on YouTube or even have Facebook if it wasn’t because I got to understand that If I want to create a change in this world, I must use the tools that are here in order for us to do so. So, slowly but surely – and with Bernard’s support/ push when seeing and realizing what the fuck I was actually fearing in terms of ‘adding too many friends’ on Facebook and sharing my writings there, etc.- I got myself to create an actual platform of me sharing myself there: it was not-existent and it didn’t came out ‘naturally.’ 

When I saw the fear for what it is, I began being more ‘open’ about sharing myself there – this was mostly because of being connected to ‘friends and family’ there and fearing having them asking me questions about Desteni or the portal or what I am doing, as if there was something ‘secret’ to keep – which is how I had dealt with my previous beliefs in the afterlife and spiritual-realms that I used to believe in. So I realized how I had to stop keeping this as my ‘belief-system’ that I would only ‘keep to myself’ and took the information as what it is, self-supportive material that is able to be used and practically applied by anyone that is able to see beyond the images and ‘surface’ of what it ‘appears to be,’ and focuses on listening to the message.

 

 

Self-Broadcasting and sharing with the world as myself

So now that I share and participate and have deliberately made the decision to be a constant presence in cyber-space within everything we do at Desteni, I can see that there would be no other way of doing it other than through the Internet, at least not to reach as many people in such a wide area like the entire world, lol. All the fears about questions that I feared people in my world would ask were never real. It is fascinating to see how the mind keeps lingering to creating all of these seemingly frightening scenarios of ‘what Ifs’ and within that, we keep ourselves just bound by such fears instead of taking them for what they are ‘mind fears.’

 

Getting to the internet and Desteni specifically, became this huge window toward the world that has allowed me to not only get to know myself, but get to know other human beings’ life experiences and within that, understanding how we function and how we can develop ways to see where and how we can practically become agents of change and transformation within this world. Because after all, I was not really ‘happy’ with how I saw the world, even if I tried to ‘shove it off’ for some time, I can see that any experience of self-doom was created out of how I would witness my reality as the city that I live in, my observations toward politics, the government, ‘the system’ and all of that. It wasn’t then such a ‘struck of luck’ that I got to Desteni, because there was always this ‘nagging spine’ within me trying to get an actual answer as to why the hell are we here on earth.

 

Now that I see and realize what a great tool it’s been, I stop thinking that I could ‘get myself back to my old patterns’ with such a thoughtful-ease  – there is really no turning back and as much as this process might seem like too much, or ‘a drag,’ it is just part of the judgments we create at a mind level toward it, to make it seem ‘difficult’ because in essence, it’s been a perfect tool for ‘mind control’ which as Bella mentions, begins within ourselves.

There is no need to make it ‘more’ or ‘less’ than ourselves being ‘here,’ walking process in every moment of breath within the understanding that: there is Actual work, research, reading, participation, writing, sharing and education to be walked if we really want to create and establish a platform of self-support and education for more beings. It takes an actual walking-the-talk and doing, which is what I am grateful for I am now involved-with, because these ‘dormant’ resistances still come up, and it takes an actual ‘pushing’ for me to say: ‘I am in, I participate, I take this point on.’

 

I see and realize that any iota of desiring to ‘get back to my old self’ or ‘wanting to just leave it all’ is stemming from fear, fear of confronting myself and the reality I live in on a daily basis. And it might seem like entering this ever-lasting stream of information that we participate in on a daily basis – but once you get used to it, you realize that you are actually becoming part of the key points of support that are ‘here’ to share, direct news with common sense, sharing our own self support which is creating actual cool information that anyone can access to, and eventually support themselves equally if they have an intention and/or have made a decision to be serious about being part of the transformation required in this world to establish a world in Equality. 

It doesn’t matter if we are physically near or not, which is the cool point about the internet and Desteni, we are connected by common interests that are not ‘separate bubbles’ equating the CULTtures and values we are witnessing define everyone within ‘little realms’ of preferences and affiliations within this world. We take on common-sensical aspects that apply and pertain to all beings in this world, that’s our starting point and that’s how it is an all inclusive group: you are serious to be the change that this world requires = you begin  with supporting yourself and join a group/ a force that is already doing so.

 

I’ve finally found people around the world that are willing to live the same way that I once dreamed we could live as: supporting each other, reading each other, sharing ourselves – instead of having to discuss someone else’s books and fictional stories. This is the real deal and for that, I’m grateful to be walking here – I take all these minute fears and resistances through Self Forgiveness in order to see and expose them for what they are, nothing but habits and patterns that I realize must be stopped and directed on a constant/ daily basis.

 

This world works in patterns and habits – so I create a pattern and a habit of sharing myself, participating, deliberately wording myself and pressing ‘submit’ wherein I make sure that no fear stands in the way of me expressing/sharing and supporting the way to stand as the living expression of what Life should be lived as by all of us in this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach the word ‘obligation’ to ‘being in the internet’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a dependence toward internet for the past 14 years of my life wherein I get into an idea of ‘being disconnected from the world’ if not being in the internet

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being ‘too comfortable’ with having no internet because this means I am not aware of what is ‘going on’ in the world, apparently, and I can just remain in my own bubble wherein I don’t have any responsibilities toward the world –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the ‘internet’ to ‘responsibility’ because it is through there that I participate with others, I inform myself, I communicate and interact with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach a ‘negative value’ to the word responsibility instead of realizing that it is a word that I am here to live as myself as the realization of what must be done in order to understand how the world works and how I can practically assist to create a new-system that will enable us to coexist in an effective-living way.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could remain in this state of ‘disconnectedness’ toward the world because it is ‘very comfortable’ to not have to do daily tasks and constant participation in the world within the internet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to relate the word ‘comfortable’ as in being devoid of responsibilities, wherein I then see that it is actually abdicating self-responsibility and a mind-comfort created within this association, it’s not an actual physical comfort because I realize that I could ‘feel alright’ within my mind – but the nagging thoughts about myself and reality would continue if I didn’t have the will to support myself to stop and correct myself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I deeply wish or desire that I had never gotten myself into the internet which means

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the internet as a a ’blessing’ but also as a ‘torture’ in terms of who I am and what I have become now as an active participant within the internet as a way to communicate, interact, share, write, inform myself and co-operate within a group that is constantly working and creating information in order to support ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the internet as a torture toward myself but also a great tool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see it as a ‘torture’ because I would have essentially kept myself in a very comfortable bubble wherein ‘everything is fine’ and there’s nothing to do but ‘seek my personal fulfillment.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to at times create a slight resistance to go through my email, through Facebook, through forums, in fear of it being all just ‘too much’ to go through and in essence not wanting to participate because of the actual work and dedication it entails, without realizing that it is the best way I can direct myself: supporting myself/ supporting others which is essentially what we all should be doing as humanity in order to really create a world that’s best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I am ‘not there’ for a day, everything will just compound and become unbearable. Without realizing that it is just an idea of myself toward the points that must be taken one by one without ‘rushing’ or creating and expectation of it all being ‘done’ within a particular time-frame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself in a constant ‘battle against time’ wherein I set up my own ‘scores’ and act from the vantage point of ‘who I am’ within a self-definition as being ‘fast and accurate’ which I have realized is an energetic ego-driven persona that I have developed throughout the years as a point of self-definition, making it a ‘positive aspect’ within myself, without realizing that I have only been ‘fighting against time’ and ‘beating my own records’ as a synonym of ‘self improvement.’ Lol which is actually bullshit really, I move and direct myself at a physical pace, as breathe here in every moment, without having to create the delusion of ‘I must go there’ and rush all the time.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the current awareness that I have toward this world as myself, and everything being part of ‘who I am’ and having to take responsibility for it, because within this, there is actual work to be done as in walking a process of self-correction to actually do something to create a world that is best for all.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire that I had never gotten to know about the actual reality in this world – because that would have meant me just continuing living my ‘little bubble’ wherein I was unaware of the actual state of the world- and within this,

I forgive myself that I am actually allowing thoughts of ‘not wanting to actually do the necessary work’ to create a world that is and will be best for all.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create any form of laziness which is actually fear of change, fear of exposing myself, fear of taking actual ‘actions’ that I have to conduct and will challenge who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become, not only on a ‘personal basis’ but as humanity, as a whole.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in a polarity relationship toward the internet as a ‘great need’ but also as a point of ‘rejection’ toward it in the back of my head if I get too overwhelmed by it – hence creating an opposite of feeling ‘comfortable’ with not having Internet/ not having to ‘be there’ all the time, and in that allowing me to get used to not participate, not voice myself, not write and share because that’s quite a comfortable way of existing wherein, we would only focus ‘toward ourselves’ and not the world and the current reality we’re living in.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep thoughts in the back of my head of an apparent ‘nice past time’ wherein I didn’t have to confront myself as in facing myself through this process and the world as myself, because it was seemingly ‘better’ to exist that way according to the memories that I have decided to keep of myself as the past, without actually remembering how ‘lost’ I felt when I was oblivious to this reality, which is how I resorted to  ‘seek myself’ through my own mindfucks in writings, books, music and relationships in an inherent attempt to ‘connect with the world,’ which is essentially how I have now decided to direct myself and my life through using the internet as a main tool of self-support.

 

I stop judging the internet as an ‘addiction’ or as a ‘first necessity’ point within my life, I stop seeing myself with bad eyes for being in it all the time, without realizing that this has become the way for me to educate myself, to direct myself to participate in matters that matter within this world, wherein I have finally found ‘the way’ to connect/ support and realize myself as others as well.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the internet, Facebook, mails, forums, news, videos as something that I could ‘resist’ in order to keep myself in a very comfortable position of ‘not having to do anything about it’ and in that way keeping myself in a very comfortable position wherein ‘nothing disturbs me.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the awareness of the reality of this world as something that ‘disturbs me,’ instead of realizing that this is just the way to start seeing what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become, which should not create any ‘experience’ within me, but simply acting according to how I can stand as the solution, as the point of self-responsibility and self-direction in relation to what I am now aware of requires direction and correction within this world.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could have remained in  a ‘comfortable bubble’ within my world if I hadn’t gotten to the internet – without realizing that the truth of this world cannot be denied or ‘hidden’ within our every-day living reality to not see it. I have simply ‘chosen’ to become aware of it and direct myself accordingly.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge myself for my participation within the internet which can only come from a starting point of ego and not an actual realization of having assessed the publishing, sharing and distribution of information in relation to making a point of self-support available for myself/others in my world and through the internet.

 

If we all participate in common sense within the internet, being self-honest about who we are, sharing how we support ourselves to stop our personal interest and get involved in collective-interests, sharing how we can becoming effective at what we do,  sharing information that is practical and ‘valuable’ within the context of education,  the internet would be an awesome place to be in.

Unfortunately that’s not the case at the moment – and the same you can access a page full of pornography or ‘101 ways on how to commit suicide’ than you can open up a website on Self Forgiveness and how to become a Self-Responsible being. Therefore, at the moment it’s like a ‘free-range arena’ wherein you can decide what you want to browse for, what you want to participate in – this is how participating in Desteni is a fully self-directive point, wherein beings decide for themselves to either be a part of it or not – no one is pushing it down your throat as part of some squared educational system. It is a truly open-source platform of information and self-support that anyone can walk and have access-to if they have access to the internet.

For those that don’t have internet yet – we hear you, and we will make sure that in the future, internet is free and accessible for all because we have realized what a useful tool it is for purposes of education and, currently, establishing democratic procedures to become involved in the necessary actions and decision-making in the world.

Fascinating, this is how we can actually see who and what we decide to do and direct ourselves as in this world. I have decided that I want to live and support myself and others along, therefore here I stand.