Tag Archives: journeytolife

178. There’s no reason, no explanation, so play the violin

 

Backchat Reaction dimension within Procrastination Character

Within walking this process of identifying all dimensions, I realized that the backchat has more to do with a series of judgments that I have held toward specifics in relation to myself and art and at the moment, I’ve walked that on a previous blog, however when it comes to the reactions, I see that the most prominent points where simply fear, anxiety and then a laxity wherein I would make it all alright and simply keep going without going into it.

 

I’ve had a song in the back of my head, Ricochet by Faith no more and the chorus says:

“It’s always funny until someone gets hurt…
And then it’s just hilarious!”

 

Now the most prominent reaction I am facing currently is  to my own stupidity-loops that I’ve walked, and as I write this I can experience some type of energetic drill on my arms because of how I did this to myself and my reaction toward this has been that of anger that I’ve channeled through other means – like points of getting angry at people for not cleaning the kitchen a month ago, getting irritated about other people’s expression as if everything ‘was fine’ and me simply reacting to it because of this drag that I’ve been keeping around myself all this time.  And it’s interesting because I got the point explained to me and still, I didn’t quite ‘get it’ in terms of being angry at ourselves for not changing. Now it’s quite clear and makes absolute sense, I was simply using others to ventilate my own accumulated inner-anger/ frustration for not moving on/ directing myself –this is how we try to ‘project blame to others’ instead of taking responsibility for our own deeds, thoughts and words. Listen to Anu’s recent interviews for more detailed explanation on this point, which will strip any sense of righteousness upon decision making based on the mind’s indulgence: Reptilians – Facing Choice (Part 2) – Part 108

 

Hence the reactions are more of an accumulated state of absurdity when realizing what I’ve done or not done to be precise. Being  this something that had become this ‘something going on’ within me that can be easily side-swept within self interest – and not even easily really, that’s also what I’ve made myself believe: it can be easily ignored in the moment, however it becomes like a constant gnawing thought – now the ‘gnawing thought’ makes sense when studying the Quantum Mind Series and getting a clue of the level of abuse that we are inflicting upon ourselves whenever we Think about things but not Do anything with it – Why? This is the question: if I realize that I am not supporting myself in keeping this ‘thing’ on top of me like a cross I’ve accepted and allowed myself to bear absolutely unnecessarily so, then why the hell have I simply not given it self direction?  Because: in the mind, everything is fine – yes just like ‘In Heaven, Everything is Fine’ and this is the point wherein I realize that I have chosen the mind to direct me and become me and my every day decision-maker instead of myself not accepting and allowing to give into the ‘same old carelessness’ toward things that I ‘know’ must be done and simply, doing it = ‘play the violin.’

 

A memory that comes up within this is how I would for example procrastinate simple things throughout my day as a child, like taking off my school uniform when getting home from school, getting to a point of having to be ‘threatened’ by my mother with a tickle-attack if I didn’t take it off in 30 seconds, then I would MOVE the hell off the couch, stop watching MTV  and run to take it off and put some other clothes – however when this wasn’t the case, I could remain the entire day with the uniform on, LOL – this is just ‘hilarious’ yes but the point is not the uniform or how I was conditioned to move with something I feared, which is something that’s very clear to me now –  but how these seemingly innocent patterns evolved later on with other points of procrastination up to one that I created  for myself and walking at the moment. It’s a ‘carelessness’ toward myself and a laxity that can accumulate in seemingly ‘unnoticeable’ points that I am perfectly aware exist within me and that I participate in on a daily basis. Within the previous example,  taking off the uniform would literally take me 20 seconds, 20 goddamn seconds… however I would simply move everywhere else, do all my homework and studies to the T, be a ‘responsible girl’ in all ‘school matters’ but could not make the single decision to take off the uniform – that’s the same experience that I’m having as a reaction to this procrastination point, which is pretty cool that emerged as I have this ‘thought,’ that single pixel frame of the TV-room I used to spend my days in, wearing my uniform for probably some 12 hours on a row or more lol, doing all my homework and my ‘responsibilities’ however not moving in one simple aspect that was related to me – which opens up the point: have I always done things for others then? And when have I really done things for me? I am sure this process is and has been as self-decision, which is how I have kept myself ‘constant’ within it – however the moment I separated this school-career project and making it ‘for others’ I turned my own tables and decided to judge it and procrastinate it.

The uniform was definitely constricting! it was uncomfortable, yet I kept wearing it –that pretty much sums up my reaction toward this point: it is constricting, it was utterly uncomfortable having this jack in the box constant nagging thought, however I did not move. And so, it is hilarious.

I said, “it’s okay to laugh about it”

 

As I’ve been working on the actual writing and moving myself within this whole procrastination deal,  I realize how I had actually enjoyed having begun writing the first version of it, which was far more extensive than the one I am writing at the moment and that is less ‘constricting’ in terms of the ‘rigidness’ of what a proper ‘academic written work’ should be like.  I realized how within simply writing and actually just ‘doing it’ to what extent I simply made a huge fucking deal out of it, while it only took me opening the damn file and reviewing, continuing writing and being certain of what I am writing as my own process, with full awareness of how it is that it is much more simple  to just physically do it, than anything else I could have made up in my mind of it being seemingly ‘too much’ – all excuses as backchat that I would react to in this heaviness at a physical level after going through slight pungent shots of anxiety and fear for ‘the future,’ giving into the mind experience instead of taking it ‘by the horns’ and not allowing me to continue procrastinating. But I did.

And so, as I’ve learned from some blogs I’ve read from Lindsay Craver, I realize how sometimes the songs we have in our heads are indicating ‘something’ that we are simply not fully seeing ‘here.’  and I’ll give a proper journey to life review on her blog in a vlog. So keep an eye on it.

 

And the chorus pretty much describes how I would go through my day by day, as if everything was ‘just fine’ and then realizing, oh fuck, I did squander my time – it’s done and gone. And now ‘the joke is on me’  and how well, I realize I can’t get more pissed off or angry at myself as that would be another stupidity loop – nor channeling through getting angry ‘at others’ because I can’t fool myself that easily any longer –

So, it is ‘hilarious’ to realize this yes, I mean, what’s left to do but acknowledge what I’ve done, how I created it, and how I am simply giving it direction without further reactions.

So the reactions at the moment are more related to having procrastinated this task all this time – it is a point of self-judgment and yes  I remember very well: ‘Do not judge yourself if you fall’ – However, if it is here and it’s just ‘hilarious’ that I did it, well I have to walk down the procrastination road and eat lots of humble pie (thanks to Cerise that explained that idiom to me)  and accepting my mistakes, that is the gift that I can give to myself wherein there is no positive or negative mindfuck to cover it up or try to find a ‘good way’ to justify why I procrastinated, or believing that ‘there was seemingly an external/ unknown/ mysterious  reason’ for this to happen, that there was ‘something behind this all’ that I simply am apparently unaware of and that’s the reason why I had to stay longer here and essentially extending my expiry date for a year – expiry date I mean with my due time to simply get things done and sticking around here.

 

So it’s always ‘funny’ and just ‘nice’ to keep ourselves deciding for the fluffy positive thinking and positive experience that one creates in order to not take on the tasks that must be done –  until the shit hits the fan and I’m brought back to Earth – why do I require these wake up calls then having to go through fear, anxiety, keeping it inside, rotting until it’s just a point where the pungent smell is telling me Hey you know, you could have just DONE it and get over with it, how difficult is that?

And this is where I look down and forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to  realize believe that I could ‘get away from this’ easily and that there would be a miraculous way to step-out of it, and not having to eventually do it/ work on this.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate a point of self abuse as a physical burden and a constant reaction of shame toward my own dishonesty to move/ do things/ get my responsibilities ‘moving’ wherein instead of actually taking the necessary physical direction, I gave into the experience of ‘feeling bad’ about it and then using all means and justifications like having ‘other responsibilities that are more important’ as an excuse, wherein then ‘blame’ comes as a suitable gadget for me to not see that I am the only one that is and has been responsible for this, and that in the end, I will also have to walk through the consequences no matter what – and this is where yes, there is nothing left to do but eat my own words and say ‘I did this to myself.’

 

Within this  – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge ourselves as humanity for ‘waiting for a savior/ god’ to come and fix things for ourselves and then in the end, simply having to do it ourselves once that the shit is still ‘there’ and there’s no one to take care of it – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shame and embarrassment toward my own dishonesty which is simply another form of ego to victimize myself about what I didn’t do – why I did not give it direction and remain within a comfort zone of just ‘feeling bad about it’ which is not really necessary and even self interest to create yet another experience upon not doing something, instead of simply breathing, letting it go, giving myself proper practical direction to do it and that’s it. Within this realize how it is actually quite easy to simply ‘do it’ and not give into all the thoughts and judgments and backchat about it, or adding an extra layer of judgment when ‘looking back on time’ and realizing the stupidity I have created for myself, by myself

 

I realize that I will walk the consequences and that yes, the ricochet eventually hits us back again – and that ‘there’s no reason, no explanation, so play the violin’ – this is exactly what I’ve experienced and that’s just part of the lyrics.  I have no excuse, I don’t have to explain myself further to make it alright, so I play the violin which means I get this done.

More explicit self forgiveness in the next one…

 

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An example of perfectionism possession over bullying:


177. Imagining Positive Outcomes as Conditions to Move

Imagination Reactions – Procrastination Character
Positive Imagination

Within this, the imagination of a ‘better thing to do’ such as simply going out for a walk and imagining the entire play out of having a ‘cool time’ within it forms part of the immediate thought and imagination that covers-up the points I reviewed in the last blog in relation to the negative imagination.

The other future projection is exactly the opposite of what I have imagined/ pictured myself in within the point of confrontation with the ‘jury’ and instead of having them bashing my work, praising and ‘loving it’ which is how I then also create this laxity and sensation within me of relief, or even expectation as an experience wherein all of this is happening in my mind with no actual physical ‘input’ so to speak to actually simply get this done and stopping future-projections that only serve my own mind-interest instead of giving myself direction in the physical.

As I had explained as well, walking as the ‘sacred time of the day’ within my routine, as that untouchable aspect that I have defined as a ‘must do no matter what’ and how I can implement this same drive toward any other point/ activity in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with excitement to going out for a walk due to how I have defined this experience of walking outside as a positive thing to do within my day, yet it has been used to also distract myself to get to the positive point in my day and avoid looking at the rest of the points that also require my attention and equal-input to get them done thus

When and as I see myself reacting with enthusiasm and excitement and be just ‘ready’ to go out for a walk, I stop and I breathe – I realize and make sure that I am not using this as an excuse to leave what I have to do ‘for later’ and excusing myself with further self-talk of why I should go outside – thus

I commit myself to make the decision to go outside based on how I have covered my basic priorities during the day or not – as I realize that it is within this excitement and expectation of going outside that I suddenly ‘let everything go’ and justify it with ‘giving myself some time’ but from the perspective of actually pushing aside/ covering up the initial negative experience that I am in fact trying to ‘make alright’ through the positive experience of going out for a walk, which is not acceptable.

I commit myself to expand and express myself as ‘steadfastness’ toward every activity that I commit myself to do, as this is what I see and realize assists and support me to not allow myself to go into thoughts, pictures, imagination about ‘doing something’ but simply giving myself direction in a physical manner, not allowing myself to have ‘second thoughts’ about things.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself within a situation of facing/ confronting and exposing my written document to more people and them reacting with amazement and delight about what I have to say, creating a positive experience within me in that moment of being imagining this such as a warm sensation in my stomach and creating this upliftment within me that I am only making up in my mind and experienced at a physical level, without seeing and realizing that I am in fact NOT doing anything physically but only up there entertaining myself in my mind with positive outcomes and expectations that have no foundation in any way whatsoever but mere desires and delusions of grandeur – thus

 

When and as I see myself imagining myself in this future projection moment of presenting my work to more people, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this positive experience is a cover up for the fear of having the exact opposite happening in reality within the same situation as a negative experience – thus I realize that in order to DO something, I don’t require to future project, I don’t require to have either a positive or a negative experience, it is only about myself being congruent with my doings and commitments that I am pressing here and stop all mind-entertainment that serves no other purpose but making it ‘alright’ within my mind to simply not do things and believing that ‘somehow’ it will all turn out just fine, which is the laxity that must be stopped in order to get to the physical points that must be done.

I commit myself to stop imagining pictures, moments with more people ‘praising my work’ and within this reacting with a positive experience of upliftment, grandeur, importance that is only founded upon my mind, my secret desires to ‘win’ no matter what and be ‘recognized’  – I realize that within these seemingly ‘innocent’ participation in the mind, I am in fact abdicating the self responsibility toward actual physical DOING and instead, I am getting a physical high of thoughts in my head, which proves to what extent I have allowed myself to use my physical body as a self-projector of ‘good experiences’ while leaving the actual DOING for ‘another time,’ which implies that imagination as a positive experience is also another way to procrastinate and delude ourselves into a positive outcome without any real foundation of it as a physical-doing.

I realize that indulging in imagination is also a way to suit my needs and ‘soothe my fears’ like covering them up with something ‘better to think,’ instead of realizing that this is not about a Thinking process but a Doing that does not require me to project a future certain outcome that I can create a point of ‘satisfaction’ about, without physically first doing it.

This reveals how I have tended to only ‘move’ myself based on having a certainty of ending up ‘winning’ having the result that ‘I expect/ that I want’ and when this is not  in place, I do not do it because of actually being fearing the ‘negative outcome’ within all of this, which is how I comfort myself with ‘positive outcomes’ without realizing how either/or positive or negative are equally abusive in fact.

 

Thus, equalizing myself to the physical dimension of reality implies: I do not require to have ‘certainty’ created in my mind toward doing something, I simply require to just do it.

I realize that I do not require to have a positive input or drive to do things through imagining a ‘reward’ of sorts for doing it, that would be conditioning myself to only move according to there being ‘something in it for me.’

I realize that If I am here to stand for an equal and one self-movement as the physical, there has to be no energetic drive existent within me to ‘feel like doing something’ – I instead, take a deep breath, recognize that breath as the physical living-force is all I really require to get things done.

More to come

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176.Imagining the worst case scenario: Obstacles to Protect Self Interest

Continuing with Procrastination CharacterImagination and the reactions to it

You can read more about the exploration within the Imagination dimension in the following blog: 169. Imagination as a Distraction to Not Do things

 

Now, I have walked the thought-dimension of the image of the office and me creating an experience of dread and further anxiety due to the ‘impending doom’ of actually having to confront the professor with my writing itself.

Then there is the other imagination point which is a future projection moment wherein I am facing all the ‘jury’ and presenting my work and expecting the worst which in this case would be them pointing out that my work has nothing to do with my career.

The third point of imagination is having to go through all the ‘paper work’ go get this done, from printing the document to all the necessary permits and letters and all of that scholar bureaucracy that I have also resisted to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within giving energy to the thought of me being at the office, start ‘rolling the imagination’ and playing out a future possibility of my professor simply pointing out that such writing is not acceptable/ is nowhere near finished, and that I have to re-do it all over again wherein I create an experience within my mind within this imagination moment of anxiety and absolute petrification because this means that I have to actually re-do the whole thing again, without realizing that this worst case scenario is only revealing to me how I am entertaining my mind and how I am allowing one single point of imagination to prevent me from actually simply physically doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as incompetent and not good enough when confronting my work with my professor, partly because of fearing that I won’t satisfy the praising of art based on the belief that I have with regards to me having to ‘praise my career’ in such paper, instead of actually realizing that this is my opportunity to be self honest and that as such, this self-investigation does not have to be compromised in any way – I also realize that I am within this participation in imagination, making everything a lot more than what it actually is which is just a protocol aspect of finishing a career, wherein instead, I have allowed myself to go into/ sink into anxiety and fear and what if’s, entertaining me in my mind with all these negative future possible outcomes as imagination, which I have used as an excuse to simply not do anything at all about it.

I realize that within this fear I also immediately realize it for ‘what it is’ and then, a laxity comes after this whole play out wherein it is as if I’ve become ‘comfortably numb’ so to speak with regards to this situation, which actually not acceptable as it is once again, just another way of me giving into energy that seems ‘harmless’ because I am not actively participating in fear, but within that seemingly ‘stable’ calmness I have created my own ‘sedative’/ chill pill within my mind wherein I simply stop looking at those thoughts BUT, instead of moving and taking the opportunity and moment to actually MOVE, I instead leave it for later which is then a point that is revealing to what extent I have made ‘okay’ within my mind to simply not work on this, which is actually based on actual fears emerging within  the imagination and an actual anxiety experienced that I have managed to ‘stop’ in a moment, however it obviously returns because the physical correction is not being done, which means: I can stop fear in the moment as an experience within the entire imagination, and I can stop participating in imagination – however, the point returns and will return as long as I don’t simply do it.

 

When and as I see myself going into imagination point of talking within my professor’s office and hearing the words that indicate that I have to do it all over again, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this imagination is only an excuse for me to actually not do it based on fears and future projections and whatnot which is simply a point of distraction instead of actually DOING IT. I also realize that I can stop the imagination and I can stop the reaction in one breath, however, this same image will continue haunting me as long as I don’t actually DO IT and give it physical direction – this is how I see and realize that no matter if we stop all our participation in thoughts, backchat and imagination and reactions, if we don’t do it, such stopping will simply be another chill pill/ instant placebo remedy wherein we actually then participate in the ‘positive imagination’ in order to make it alright and get back to the ‘feeling good/ better about myself’ in my reality through talking to myself about things that I am doing/ that I can do instead/ that I would ‘rather do’ instead of committing myself to this task.

I commit myself to stop the laxity that comes after relieving myself from these reactions and future play outs within the realization that yes, I am participating in my mind and that is not required in order to do things –however it takes an actual physical movement to ensure that I do not remain the laxity toward my compromise to get this done and believe that ‘fear is just for further self-control’ wherein I talk myself into reasoning why creating fears is simply not necessary to do things, however remain without doing them – thus I commit myself to stop fooling myself when it comes to this ‘stability’ that I know and realize is also a cover up to the actual anxiety that has been suppressed about this point by my own procrastination toward it based on ‘reasoning’ the doing instead of physically doing it.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the future projection/ imagination point of being in that room where examinations take place and being facing a series of people looking at me with a ‘what the fuck’ face, and going into fear because of realizing that my work is not directly linked to ‘art creation’ itself but more of a self-creative process wherein I am my own prime matter – within this creating a reaction of absolute fear and anxiety when projecting myself within this imagination and going into further backchat – which I will explore later –wherein I while being here and imagining all these aspects, go into fear, shut down everything related to ‘doing that work’ and instead focus in ‘something else’ that must be done, which is me then using other responsibilities as an excuse to not do this, while fully seeing how it is linked to this mind-creation of rejection by the academy toward my work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be pessimistic about my work, myself and my presentation toward others, wherein while imagining myself presenting my work with others, I see myself trying to sound ‘convincing’ to others and fearing them just not ‘buying it’ without realizing that I don’t have to be convincing others in order to present myself, my writing, talking about it and replicating with common sense at all times

When and as I see myself using the future projection of being in the examination room with people and believing that they are rejecting/ not buying my explanation and me going into absolute nervousness and stumbling upon my own words – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only creating this worst case scenario in my mind as an excuse to actually not Do things  – thus

I commit myself to stop pondering about the ‘what ifs’ and instead commit myself to do it, as I see and realize that it must be done no matter how long it takes – I have to get it done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an experience of disgust and even tiredness whenever I imagine having to go here and there and print and move with lots of permits and paperwork to get this done, wasting money/ time which I have considered as being very ‘valuable’ within me –without realizing that this is one of the aspects of walking the system, or realizing how things work and function whenever one decides to get a proper title and also realizing that I am making it a lot more in my head based on what other people would tell me with regards to ‘all the time it takes’ and ‘all the paperwork’ which I have created as this foggy load in the back of my head when imagining myself having to go through the same process due to me believing that it will just be ‘too much,’ which is how I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself based on the Idea that I create of something/ a particular task, instead of simply focusing on Doing it physically and walking through the necessary points breath by breath, as this is how I have also walked an entire career already  – breath by breath, walking Through it and not wasting my breaths hooking onto the ‘experience’ of going through it.

When and as I see myself imagining the entire process of going to all these offices with bright white light and waiting, and sitting and moving around from campus to campus in order to get the papers done and making it an absolute ‘brick’ on the top of my head wherein I go into this heaviness and dread and apathy to do it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is part of the points that I must walk through in order to get things done – thus I stop judging, I stop listening to the voices of the memories that indicated/ told me about how ‘dreadful’ and ‘tiresome’ and ‘annoying’ this whole process was which I have used as an excuse to simply not do it at all, which is unacceptable since I am simply at the very last stage of getting this done and as such, I cannot ruin it all just by one single imagination aspect of me having to go through all of these things and making it a lot more than what it in fact is in my mind.

I commit myself to stop participating in the imagination play out of me going to all of these offices and institutional dependencies from the university in order to get the necessary paperwork and instead focus on me walking every step breath by breath and realizing that there are No Shortcuts to this, it must be done, it can be done and it is simply one aspect of the entire process of me walking through this entire phase of my career, unconditionally.

 

I see and realize that this means that I don’t have to create a future projection of getting something done the way that ‘I want to get it done’ which is base on my exigencies of wanting everything to be done perfectly, without any ‘obstacles’ and without any ‘objections’ from others which is then part of the ‘controller’ personality that I see and realize will be part of debunking this entire process which is in essence wanting everything to be done ‘perfectly’ and ‘fine’ with no problems/ no flaws without realizing that this is all existent as this ‘immaculate process’ within my mind instead of actually physically dedicating myself to do it.

 

So how can I be holding on to this imagination and thinking about this point being done ‘perfectly’ and ‘without any objections’ if I am not practically and physically simply doing it?

 

I see and realize how much we can fool ourselves in fears and imaginations and future projections as a justification to not do things, whereas if we had our physical body deciding to imagine how ‘awful’ it would be to digest our food the following day, or having to process a physical activity and becoming fearful of having to ooze the toxins while working out or having to digest and poop out our food, we would be dead as nothing in our physical organism would be / get done – thus if I am standing up for Life in Equality – I equalize myself as my physical body that is unconditional to move and physically function 24/7 every single day as long as I am breathing here – and that’s the reality of physicality – I stop participating in bullshit alternate realities of the mind as ‘obstacles’ of self interest

Ludicrous and must stop here – but this will continue lol

 

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Character Dimensions – PHYSICAL/BEHAVIOUR Dimension (Part 3): DAY 176

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The Soul of Money – Part 37

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174. Sinking in Reactions after Thinking and Not Doing

 

As mentioned in the previous blog, giving into an experience of the mind is asserting me as the thoughts that create such experience and as such, I’ll walk the specific experiences that emerge from the thoughts and as such, ensure that I walk every aspect of the dimensions walked to far in order to assist and support me to become aware of the energetic experiences I create from the negative to the positive in order to ‘make it alright’ in my mind to actually not do the task at hand, and still remain in a positive experience in my reality.

 

This is thus walking the Reaction dimension within the Postponement character.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

– First prominent thought of ‘the office’ – imagination, backchat and reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with an experience of tediousness when thinking/ having the thought of my professor’s office wherein I go into a sinking-in reaction of further participation in backchat with thoughts like ‘It’s going to take sooo long for it to get done, I rather not do it now’ and within this experience already giving up my ability to direct myself in the physical, stopping participation in the thought and the reaction as dullness/ apathy and tediousness that I create in that moment in order to justify my decision to ‘leave it for later,’ wherein I can see and realize that it is NOT my decision to ‘leave it for later’ but actually me giving into the negative experience of dullness/ apathy and tediousness as a reason and justification to instead, seek to do that which I ‘would rather do’ which is something else that I have defined as a positive experience/ giving me a sense of ‘satisfaction’ according to the values placed/ given to other activities that I have defined as ‘more productive,’ without realizing the responsibility at hand that is in-fact here for me to walk and do, instead of seeking to do ‘something else instead’ that is clearly being defined as a ‘preferable task’ instead of what simply has to be done/ must be done.

When and as I see myself going into an experience of future projected tediousness, apathy and distress when going into the thought of the office, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I actually imprinted this experience of tediousness toward the office in itself due to having had to wait for my professor to be available outside the office and then going into the office with an accumulation of tediousness from having to wait outside for a while, which is then how the moment that I went into the office and imprinted that ‘first impression’ of his office with bright white light, sitting in front of him and handing my writing, I was experiencing myself with such dullness and tediousness due to me having had the backchat prior to entering the office in the lines of ‘This is how it’s going to be every time that I come here to revise my work, I’ll have to wait till he’s here/ he’s available, and it sucks’  thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate backchat and an experience of tediousness based on the moment prior to getting into my professor’s office due to the amount of time that I had to wait for him to be available and within that, being thinking that ‘I should have come another day/ another time’/ ‘this is going to take forever every time that I have to consult him’  and within this making an experience of having to wait for him to be available and in this, carrying this experience of dullness/ apathy and tediousness into the office wherein in my mind, I captured the thought of ‘finally getting into the office’ with a mix of the ‘carried’ tediousness/ apathy and dullness of having waited outside and imprinting now an expectation as slight nervousness and even ‘controlled anxiety’ when finally facing him and handing my writings to be revised’

I realize that all of this is captured in one single though of the office being ‘loaded’ with the experience of tediousness, dullness for having waited outside of the office and then the accumulated expectation, nervousness and anxiety that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in within that first time/ moment of going to my professor’s office and as such, creating and imprinting this entire experience as ‘the revision time’ represented by the thought of the office with the bright white daylight, generating within me the same mix of dullness, fear, anxiety and tediousness whenever I think of ‘doing my writing’ and immediately come up with the thought of the office with the bright white light daylight coming through as a non-desirable experience within me.

 

When and as I see myself going to the office and creating and loading the future projection of the office and the experience of tediousness mixed with nervousness as an entire ‘negative experience’ within me – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am creating these experiences based on my own acceptance and allowance of thinking in the moment of going to the office and within the thinking, generating an experience that I ‘saved’ as a single thought linked to the physical action of revising my writings, and within this creating an entire experience of it all being something ‘I don’t want to do,’ which is manipulating myself to always only do and remain within a comfortable zone/ doing what I would ‘prefer’/ would rather be doing, without realizing that this is all my inner-mind tricks and manipulation tactics through fear and negative experiences in order for me to not simply physically do something. Thus

I commit myself to walk the process of actually stopping the thought of ‘the office and the white bright light image’ and the memory replay of me having waited for a long time before going inside as an entire ‘negative imprint’ to the physical action of taking my writings for revision, and within stopping, directing myself to actually work on my writings in order to be available and willing to share them/ go for a revision as a physical practical measure that is required to be taken within this process of me writing and requiring a revision in order to get feedback, which is also a requirement within this process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to future project a moment within that office wherein I will be told that I simply have to ‘do it all over again’ as a negative experience that I have imprinted onto that moment of ‘revision’ that I have imprinted with a negative reaction within me of nervousness and anxiety that I actually accept and allow myself to go into just by playing out this future-scenario within my mind of ‘having to do it all over again’ without realizing that I have created this based on linking the word ‘revision’ to a negative experience within the belief that it means ‘doing everything all over again,’ which is in fact an exaggeration as I see and realize that this is only me in my imagination making everything ‘more’ than what it is, in order to use this imagination as an excuse to Not do things.

When and as I see myself reacting in nervousness and anxiety within the imagination of being sitting in that office and listening that I have to do it all over again, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just me playing a picture running in my mind that I am using as an excuse to not move – therefore

I commit myself to stop participation in that initial thought of the office and within this, stopping participation in the anxiety and nervousness that comes when imagining a play out that is  of a ‘negative outcome / negative in nature’ as I realize that I am here, in the physical moment having all that I require in order to get this task done – therefore I assist and support myself to get this task done in the physical as a movement I make, breathing through any reactions that I have participated in throughout an extended period of time.

I realize that when having accumulated the same imagination play out for an extended period of time, it will take me absolute directive principle to stop going into the same ‘comfort zone’ of imagining this entire play out as something negative that leads me to manipulate myself to instead, create a positive experience of what I could instead be doing in my reality, to not do the task at hand, which is unacceptable.

 

Thought of ‘the folder’ containing the writings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of absolute anxiety the moment that I see the folder in my documents in my computer containing all the writings and information for my writing, and within this immediately shifting my attention to ‘something else’/ some other document in order to shove away all the plethora of thoughts that I have accumulated over time in relation to ‘having to get this done,’ and actually not do it, but scroll down and or shift the window and continue with ‘other things’ that I have considered are more ‘comfortable’ to work with, that are ‘better things to do’ instead of tapping onto this writing, which is manipulating myself to believe that the experience of anxiety and nervousness is in fact real and as such something ‘difficult’ to walk through, without realizing that it is a matter of realizing that I have created this experience linked to the amount of time that I have procrastinated this particular task and as such, created into a single ‘fear’ of even looking at the folder due to this single action meaning that I have Not been self-responsible in all aspects in my world – hence the anxiety and nervousness when realizing the dishonesty toward written points that I have to direct in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself reacting with absolute fear and anxiety just by looking at the folder containing my writings, I take a deep breathe, I stop for a moment and realize that the moment is here to work with it and that all it physically takes is to click on it, open it and search for the latest version of my document in order to arrange what I have done, and take the necessary steps to update my current direction that I’ve been ‘intending’ to give the writing and that I can do so in this moment that I see and realize it must be done.

 

I commit myself to realizing that this only takes actually clicks on my mouse and physically typing which is something I consider I am quite comfortable doing, and within this stick to breath, focusing my attention on the points that are HERE to be faced and remain constant and consistent within my own awareness of what I am reading, what I am writing and keeping in ‘mind’ the direction of it all as a commitment to get this done.

 

I realize that the commitment to stop manipulation through all the negative experiences attached to one single point of writing the document and facing the revision is precisely a part of the ‘problem’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the two primary points as thoughts, imaginations loaded with backchat in relation to why I don’t want to do this/ why I could simply skip it this moment and do it later, and in this perpetuate a manipulation within myself and toward my reality, wherein all I see and realize remains is this ‘load’ that only grows day by day due to not having given proper direction to it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a reaction of absolute apathy toward something that simply has to be written, as I realize that I don’t require to be motivated with a positive experience to do things/ get things done, as I realize that only us as the mind have accepted and allowed ourselves to condition ourselves to only move if there is ‘something in it for us’ as a reward/ further positive experiences that we have given value to in order to ‘move’ and ‘be motivated’ within this

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to have a motivation to move/ to write/ to get things done as a positive experience, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in my process of getting out of the mind and into the physical Self Will means no energy is required to move myself and such, I direct myself as the physical reality that is here to move/ direct and live as physical movements and that only me as a mind would require a positive experience as an incentive to move – thus I stop seeking for  a ‘reason’ outside of myself as a positive outcome/ reaction within me upon thinking about ‘I am going to do this’

 

I commit myself to realize that whenever I direct myself as the thoughts ‘I am writing this document’ that I do not participate in either a positive or a negative experience’ but simply realize that it is a physical and tangible point to direct in my reality and that in physicality we don’t require to manipulate ourselves with energy to get things done, we don’t require to fear to get things done, we don’t require to feel anxious or nervous within future play-outs of our experience within further imagination moments that we have given our power away to. This is a single decision to stop participating in energy as a demotivation/ motivation to do move in the physical reality.

I realize that by creating any experience upon something that must be done, I am not yet being fully Self-Directive as a physical being, which is then a necessary point to realize as a constant breathing process wherein I realize that all that I require as tools are here with me and that I’ve got both hands, my breath to move myself in the physical and that’s it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a general reaction of irritation and annoyance toward myself due to realizing and falling flat on the realization that I am being the only obstacle within this, and that I have been the one that has been ‘in front of my way’ all the time – thus

When and as I see myself creating an experience of irritation and further annoyance toward myself for not doing things, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is an unnecessary experience to go into within the realization that the only way to correct this is by doing it, instead of pulling out further experiences, abusing myself, my physical body and lashing it out ‘onto the world’ for something that I am fully aware I am responsible for.

I commit myself to establish myself as breath to not allow these ‘subtleties’ as annoyance irritation created within me and lashing it out onto others/ the world as I realize that I am the only one that is able to stop the experience and actually direct myself to what is required to be done in this particular task and that no matter how ‘angry’ I get at myself, only physically correcting the pattern will solve the problem – thus I am the ‘problem’ and I am the solution.

I commit myself to establish my self-discipline in relation to actually doing this as part of my daily routine without any excuses and justification that can create further experience upon having ‘written it out but not living it’ which is the morphed character that must be considered at all times in order to not re-create or further evolve the character by laying it out ‘nicely’ but not living it – and that is where Self Honesty resides.

 

I will continue with further reactions experiences within the entire walking of the procrastination character.

 

Reaction Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define WHO I AM into and as energy-experiences within and as an complete alternate reality, separate from/of my PHYSICAL BODY, never questioning “but, why – when I am IN this BODY in EVERY BREATH, do I not stand WITH it, AS it, in and as equality and oneness in being able to relate to it, communicate with it, “experience” it? Why am I existing in separation from it in a reality/system as the MIND as ENERGY that I do not have full context, comprehension or understanding of AT ALL, regarding where thoughts exactly come from, how energies are in fact created, why/how does things so seemingly automatically come up in my Mind that I have no control of?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so readily FOLLOW energy-experiences and the personification of energy as the dimensions of Personality as thought, imagination, backchat, and behaviour so often that it’s become so “accepted” – that I never even stopped for a moment to consider how LITTLE I am in fact aware of my PHYSICAL BODY, my BREATHING and my communication, interaction and participation with others in this world/reality as ALL the living beings, organisms, micro-organisms – the actual LIVING REALITY that is here. – Sunette Spies*

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172. Creating Excuses instead of Solutions

Continuing with the Backchat point that I began walking yesterday within the procrastination character

A backchat-point that is more ingrained and let’s say ‘case specific’ is not only with regards to a sheer point of laziness/ procrastination that is physically here – yes – however the reasons behind it which all do happen at the level of backchat an internal conversations have more to do with how I have judged this particular task as useless, as a mere protocol, as meaningless within the consideration of what type of degree this is, even seeing it as a waste of time and money to get it done – all of it yes, excuses existing only in my mind that I have given value to in order to continue justifying my ‘demotivation’ to do it, however if we look at ourselves and this world, we have become so used to motivate ourselves for a specific positive-outcome or positive-experience to do things that it then becomes one of the ‘fuels’ that keep us running.

As I write this I also see how I am squandering an opportunity that many people would have liked to have, which is then absolutely unacceptable, because I am aware of the rate of individuals that are in no way able to assist to college or pay for an entire career to get to the point of graduation. I am aware that my education cost me literally cents every year, however that doesn’t mean that because it is almost ‘free’ my commitment to it must not change.

I also see another point which is how I have accepted and allowed my personal experience toward the career in itself to be a decisive factor for me to not want to ‘do this’ based on preference – once again, in my mind this was like a disenchanted romance that ended up in my mind rather ‘bad’ from the perspective of me not wanting anything to do with ‘art’ at all. Thus this is the main point for me to work with, because I see there is an attraction/ repulsion going on which can only exist as a reverend masterpiece of mindfuckism™ that I have created within this.

So – I’ll walk the most prominent backchat within this that I can see can be an ever ‘deeper’ level of excuses and justifications to not do things.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘this is something utterly useless to do’ which is based on me believing that having an art degree is useless, which is stemming from my introspection and realization of how and why I decided to study art in the first place, which became a point I judged as shallow, ‘easy way out of the system,’ and essentially avoiding to be ‘in the system’ according to my standards back then, which is how I make it all as if it had been a drag to complete my studies, simply because of not seeing myself with the enthusiasm and ‘love for art’ that I initially believed I had – thus I realize that within this ‘low’ after the great romance with art, I experienced myself demotivated to have anything to do with it, which implies that I am still holding on to my own remorse and repent for having chosen this career as a 5 year-study in my life that I won’t be dedicating myself to – and as I write this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and a general nervousness within the area of the solar plexus due to me making time as something that has been squandered / useless within my life when studying art, without realizing that such categorization and valuation in time can only exist if I measure myself according to what ‘others’ have done in their lives/ what their careers will be/ have been which I have considered are more suitable to our current reality and projects within this world, other than having an ‘art degree.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a slight shame of myself when people ask what I studied, almost as if I wanted to hide the fact that I studied art for seeing it now as a useless piece of study and wasted time in my life, instead of actually considering that it is a career just as any other career in our current world system wherein no-career is in fact precisely supportive for human beings, as all careers and studies are currently veered toward maintaining a world system based on money/ survival wherein no life is currently being considered as THE point to support within all careers and all studies.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no matter if I walked the ‘artist character’ I did not precisely tap into the judgments and criticism toward art itself and all the backchat I’ve held toward it which is similar to what one partner would have to say about another partner when the relationship didn’t work out – thus, I realize that my grudge toward myself for my own choices in life, are affecting me to finally do this ‘final kick’ as I am seeing myself being apparently incongruent with having to write about ‘my experience’ in school which is something that I have still judged as a ‘useless/ waste of time,’ while fearing actually hurting/ demeaning people’s activity there which is all related to art, obviously.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ever had a ‘real affection’ for art or ‘real love’ for art as I used to say to myself, without realizing that I simply chose this a s point to get infatuated with , as it covered my then personality requirements and satisfied me as my ego – which is how and why after walking this process almost from the beginning of my career, I had a tough time having to realize how I had fooled myself around the whole ‘art thing’ in the first place as a total character that I embodied/ became for my personal benefit and desires to be famous/ well known and have good money without having to be ‘in the system,’ which is how due to holding a judgment toward myself for such choices in life, I now don’t want ‘anything to do’ with it, without realizing that it is very convenient backchat that I have formulated in order to not do things.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people/ professors are expecting something of me – while at the same time realizing that I haven’t really built any ‘artist portfolio’ that I could present myself with, which I had created as a separate aspect of myself in relation to being a ‘visual artist’ without realizing that I am actually walking the process of creating myself which in itself, must also be an ‘art’ as a self-mastery that is not related to color or shapes or concepts other than working with the concept that I’ve become – thus there is no point to use the backchat of ‘they must be expecting something ‘great’ from me within this work’ which is only one added point of fearing not being ‘good enough’ within others’ expectations, which is then an aspect that I see myself being ‘limited by’ – wanting to in my mind create this ‘great revolutionary work’ and thinking of all the possible ways to approach it, instead of actually physically writing it out, arranging it so that it becomes an actuality instead of just a ‘great thing’ in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own standards of ‘excellence’ within me that I am eventually tampering my ability to work with myself, and this is in relation to who I am with regards to the idea of myself as ‘the great student’ and within this belief of myself, still holding it as a background and character that I must apparently ‘fulfill’ at the eyes of the academy,  which is then me as ego wanting to do a work as ego, not really benefiting anyone with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now go into a ‘guilty experience’ due to having squandered time to get this done, and realizing that many would have wanted to be in my position which is just another way to blackmail myself into feeling ‘bad’ and thus moving myself only out of guilt and remorse instead of simply clearing my starting point to do this work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the starting point of doing this work as a way to simply ‘get this done and over with,’ which is not entirely stemming from self-stability and decision to do it, but mostly like a ‘stone/ obstacle to get out of the way’ which is then not an equal and one participation moment to moment to do it, but mostly something that is simply done to ‘get over with it’ which contains an entire experience of my own disillusionment with the career, which is just like signing away a divorce by first having to spend one more time with the ‘ex-partner’ without really being together any longer thus –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of my entire career as a failed-decision, a failed-marriage, a failed-experience due to realizing the starting point in self honesty of me having chosen this career. Thus instead of further victimization with regards to seeing it all as a ‘wrong choice,’ I realize that this is further excuses and justifications wherein I have considered ‘how I feel’ toward art/  my career and create a relationship with it, instead of seeing it as any other systematic task that I must accomplish as part of the responsibilities I hold toward my world and reality ‘as is.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed so much bullshit to run around in my mind as backchat that I ‘pay attention to’ in order to procrastinate this point within the ‘uselessness’ category, wherein I see that in my mind I apparently would expect to ‘invest my time’ in something ‘greater’ however, this is a blatant excuse as that would be creating my own value system according to what I consider is ‘more valuable/ more worthy to spend my precious time on’ and what not, which is not so.

 

I realize that this work to be done is actually a cool opportunity to leave a whole new perspective of approaching – well not entirely/ absolutely ‘New’ but continuing where Beuys left off – the creative act and creation in itself of the individual and society as a whole.

 

I realize that all of these statements, future projections, past regrets and spiteful actions toward ‘my career’ are in fact toward myself and my choice to study art, which implies that I must first forgive myself unconditionally for the choices I’ve made in my life – which is a necessary point to not make this ‘more’ than what it is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate my career to this ‘bad experience/ bad romance’ that ended up ‘bad’ according to the high expectations that I had held toward myself, my career and my so-called certainty to change my vocation to art instead of being a linguist, wherein I see there is a point of regret – however, there is no point in holding on to this –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for all the amount of money that my father spent on this career all for me to eventually ‘be an artist’ which I am not going to be in this life, and within this use this point of ‘feeling bad’ as another excuse to simply Not do this at all, as a way to not wanting to be facing my own decision within doing the work, not wanting to face my own career choice while doing the work – and all of these limitations have climbed up to become an obstacle that has become like a grudge within me that I have used as a justification and excuse to not do things.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience failure within me when seeing people actually enjoying themselves within the career and already moving within the artworld wherein I see myself as nowhere near that or even interested in that which has also become a point of comparison and believing that I cannot possibly write about something that I am not fully committed to – which implies that I am still seeing the starting point of doing this work as it being ‘for the academy’ instead of this work being for myself, to actually complete what I have vowed myself to do and finish from the beginning.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually hear/ pay attention and even use these mind assessments of my reality as something ‘valuable’ to consider in order to direct myself within my world and reality, which is unacceptable considering that none of them are in fact standing within the consideration of supporting and assisting myself to get things done without using any background information/ backchat to decide whether doing it or not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a way to convince me that this would not have to be done in the end and within me holding a ‘hope’ that somehow this would not have to be done, that I would be able to regain my automatic graduation point without having to do this work, without realizing that in such hope I am existing in a similar way to a faithfully deceived religious person that waits for something/ someone to fix their situation, instead of taking Self Responsibility at all times.

 

I realize that I have all the ability to stop associating this work to being the fruit of a failed decision in life and instead, align its starting point to a living decision that I’ve made to dedicate myself to what is best for all and as such, realizing that no matter for whom or for what I write, what I write as myself, my expression, no need to ‘fix myself’ to suit parameters that I have believed myself I must ‘fake’ in order to please others, this is about my own creation that stands as an extension of myself, my own realizations and as such, is no different to writing a blog, writing a post, writing myself to explain myself to any other person.

I realize that I have been the only one that has been the real obstacle within this all as the relationship of love/hate I created toward my career choice,  nothing else but another character that I made of myself – thus this stops here.

 

I commit myself to stop creating excuses and justifications as thoughts of how and why this is something useless to do and that I’d rather ‘do something else,’ without realizing that these are just blatant excuses to not do this in fact – thus, I direct myself to establish me as the starting point of this work, to establish myself as the directive principle within this task instead of still thinking that I am doing this for ‘someone else’ or only to ‘get a paper.’ I instead assist and support me to realize that I am my own starting point at all times of everything that I do, write, say and think even, wherein I can decide in one single moment to step out of character and this entire relationship toward my past and simply do this as a fresh-point that I decide to begin here.

I realize that I do not require to ‘carry’ all my past and personal experience within it, but actually be able to create a common sensical perspective upon creation/ creative process in itself in means of creating oneself as an individual that is able to become an equal part of the whole while using our self-creative abilities to do so, which is what begins with myself by writing this out and using this document as a way to also support others to realize the same.

 

More to continue.. Yes, until it is done.

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Journeys into the Afterlife – The Future Selves – Part 35

170. Positive Thinking Irresponsibility

Continuing with Procrastination Character 

Positive Imagination

As I had mentioned in the previous entry, whenever I had the ‘negative imagination’ such as the point of confronting my writings with my professor, I immediately create a rather positive point of imagination that is related then to, instead of dedicating myself to my writing, I would decide to rather ‘do some small things here and there’ and then go outside for a walk, for example.

I have made no excuse to not go outside for a walk as it’s been a very supportive point, however I see how within this same process of planning my day to ensure I do make some time to go out for a walk, I apply and implement the same for all my other tasks. This means that the seemingly ‘innocent’ moment of imagining the walk outside becomes another point of distraction.

 

Now, what I have realized as well is that this positive imagination does not ‘roll out’ much so to speak, meaning I am not fantasizing all the way about ‘walking’ or else, it’s simply a thought that rolls into the imagination of the air/ breeze, the view of the sun going down, clouds covering the sun, and having something to buy in the vegetable and fruit store/ getting milk – all which are also points that in my mind I make as ‘priority’ and something that ‘must be done no matter what’ which is yes, necessary – however the point is how I use these seemingly common sensical aspects to then simply place everything aside to ‘go get it.’ This means that I have ‘evolved’ somehow my own parameters of tricking myself into simply ‘leaving everything for a moment and going outside’ – which is how I then spend more than an hour out, come back to then see it as ‘too late to write.’

 

There are also future-projection points of imagination, wherein I am mostly waiting for the moment when it is all done and I simply can finally leave and be ‘free’ according to my expectations, which is probably the point of imagination that creates the most ‘noise’ as it is only within these thinking processes and imagination that I see it as ‘too far to get there’ and in that moment, instead of making the decision to walk it through in the moment and get it done, I go into the DIT (Do It Tomorrow) state wherein I simply give up any possibility of even approaching the document – thus, here another imagination with a negative charge comes in within this ‘battle’ between the positive and the negative: I go into the imagination of having to read through all these scattered bits of information and trains of thought that I had poured into that paper, aside from criticizing my Spanish for having too many ‘weird sentence constructions’ which I see I can simply stop judging and re-write in a more suitable manner.

Thus this imagination of having to ‘go through the document’ comes as it is: me sitting in front of my laptop and reading through the information, having to go creating the necessary cites and becoming quite specific within it all which in my mind has become part of an ‘undesired nightmare’ which is only me as my mind making of this task the boogey monster just by this image of me scrolling down all the writing and trying to ‘make sense of it all.’

I stop and I breathe as I see how there is even an anxiety linked to this imagination as I write it out here. It’s fascinating how within this simple example I see and realize how the seemingly ‘positive’ does not emerge from ‘nowhere,’ it’s actually stemming from the negative initial imagination of having to write/ having to fix/amend my writing/ having to actually do it and instead, covering it up with my personal version of love-and-light which is walking outside, having a ‘cool time’ and talking myself into it which I’ll disclose later in the backchat dimension. Thus it is plain to see how we cannot claim that the positive is ‘what it’s meant to be,’ as its very origin is actually a defense mechanism/ a distraction that we create in order to not have to face an actual point of responsibility. I also see and realize that I cannot have the single audacity of judging ‘love and light’ as long as I am creating my own ‘love and light’ through my positive imagination rolling in a seemingly ‘innocent/ harmless’ manner, which has actually become an accumulation of a ‘good/ positive experience’ to cover up the actual procrastination/ negative experience that I have accepted and allowed within me.

DSC01269

So, let’s roll with Self Forgiveness these points:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a positive imagination point of me going outside, seeing the weather as perfect for a walk and in that moment imagine myself strolling around, experiencing the chilly breeze of air, the streets, the moment of walking in order to convince myself that I should rather go out for a walk instead of writing and leaving the writing for ‘later,’ without realizing that this single occurrence that I have made ‘okay’ to be disciplined about in my day to day living – such as doing it on a daily basis no matter what – has become one of the primary factors to kind of ‘make my day’ to in my mind create a positive experience toward it, instead of facing the point of responsibility that I am ‘saving for later’ due to choosing to go and do that which makes me feel ‘good’ and ‘fine’ about myself/ my day.

When and as I see myself being in the moment of the day wherein I see that it is time for me to write/ tap into the writing itself and get the image rolling of me walking in the street, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is the moment wherein I make the commitment to not just follow the ‘positive image’ and instead commit myself to do what I require to do, which implies that I can instead schedule my day to ensure that I get to do all my tasks, including my walk, and instead of seeking to have ‘long hours for my writing’ only, I make it a point to work on it in a consistent manner, as this is the only way I see I can ensure that I do not continue postponing and ‘saving for later.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my mind make it ‘okay’ to imagine for a moment me walking outside/ going out for a walk and use that single point of imagination as enough of a reason to go outside and actually do it, leaving aside everything else because ‘it’s my time and my moment for myself,’ – thus within this positive backchatting creating an acceptable reason for me to do that instead of actually focusing on making it a point to write before I go to the walk, and this is a more suitable way to actually direct my day instead of being ‘waiting’ for the apparent ‘right moment’ that is actually subsumed by all other tasks and bits that I instead go into, leaving aside once again this primary task that must be done.

When and as I see myself making the point of walking an okay thing to do in the moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I can in fact continue having that moment within my day, however instead of using the time as a ticking clock for the time to go outside, I use that time to go into my writing. I see and realize that I have created this idea of me having to be in a particular ‘moment/ point of experience’ to be able to write about this, this which is bullshit and a blatant excuse disguised with characters to actually not do what I have to do.

 

Thus I commit myself to not leave the writing for ‘the end of the day’ as I realize that such moment is not the most ‘suitable moment’ to do so, as that is when I instead go into any other point that requires direction  or even another distraction wherein I then waste time that I could have used to do whatever I did before going out for a walk.

In this I see that it is more suitable for me to write during the day than waiting at night to do so, as the night comes and then the ‘Do it tomorrow’ mode becomes another way to justify not getting to it today.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the imagination as a remembrance of me deciding to write my document and having to go through these endless pages of scattered information that I have equated to a point and experience of anxiety and frustration and irritation, due to me having had no regard to go placing the necessary data to be able to identify the information appropriately.

 

When and as I see myself using the imagination of me scrolling down the entire document and reading through it as a negative experience within me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have kept this memory as a point to re-enact whenever I am ‘apparently’ making a decision to just do it, and that I have repeated and integrated at the level of a physical habit in order to Not do things which is unacceptable, as I then pull out the imagination point of ‘walking outside’ as a positive experience and make it ‘okay’ to just leave everything else for later.

I commit myself to stop fooling myself within my own mind with all types of images and excuses and justifications to not move and not do this  – it is even quite a joke to see how I have committed myself to write on a daily basis for a while now and how I have been able to do that without major problem, however when it comes to another writing point that I have separated from my current writing, I judge it as a burden/ as a point of resistance which simply allows me to see where and how I have created separation within my own value system of what type of writing is ‘more important to do’ instead of actually realizing that if I am able to write here, I am able to write in just another word document as well – it is a single physical aspect/ point to walk through, committing myself to remain here as breath to not allow any negative experience such as anxiety or fear itself as a single point that prevents me from simply doing it.

I commit myself to walk through the resistance to write and stop all positive imagination to not do it in that moment, and instead direct myself to open the document, start reading/ looking at points that require to be re-written, re-arranged and give it the same point of dedication that I have committed myself to in my daily writings, as it is then a single point to extend my responsibility to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own ‘temptations’ through my own participation in imagination, wherein I then become a ‘victim’ of my own positive-imagination to lure me into doing something that I ‘enjoy’ instead of doing that which must be done no matter what.

 

When and as I see myself creating my own ‘temptations’ of luring myself into doing something that I would ‘rather do’ and ‘enjoy more’ doing/ participating in, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is my point of responsibility and I see how it is just like a foolish point to continue giving my power away to this, as I realize that no matter how much I ‘think of doing it,’ it won’t make me more or less responsible about it, this is about being physically moving here wherein I stop all assessments, judgments, time calculations, positive imagination thinking and future projecting about the task at hand – instead, I bring myself back to breath and simply do it.

I commit myself to not use a positive image of me doing anything else BUT going into the actual physical opening of the document and working on it which I realize  is just an action of Doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controlled by my own imagination as a positive and or negative experience that in both cases, becomes an obstacle for me to not do it, within this

When and as I see myself going into my own imagination as an excuse to not do things, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have made it ‘okay’ for me to ‘follow my desire to have a positive experience’ during the day instead of realizing that it is not about giving up ‘walking’ altogether, but simply not using it as an excuse or reason in my mind to do this instead of ‘that.’

I commit myself to stop participating in my mind in imagination in order to actually get REAL and physical with what is required to be done.

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Blogs:

Character Dimensions – IMAGINATION Dimension (Part 2): DAY 166

Character Dimensions – REACTION Dimension (Part 1): DAY 170

Day 170: After Death Communication – Part 19

 

Interviews:

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Quantum Mind Self Awareness – STEP 2


169. Imagination as a Distraction to Not Do things

When it comes to walking the procrastination character in relation to imagination, I could see myself having both positive and negative projections wherein within ‘playing’ with both, I would end up simply being entertained in the mind by either/or with no physical / tangible doing that would mean a single decision to get things done, such as just writing it out.

Thus as much as imagination would be linked to facing a point of fear in relation to the task at hand, the positive imagination would be me convincing myself of what I could instead do to not have to face the point of actually just doing it.

 

A specific thought among others is when I think of me being at the office of my professor and waiting for a verdict on my paper wherein such single image of the office is linked with a negative energy experience that I have created a resistance toward due to thinking and believing that the word ‘revision’ means doing it all over again several times. I explained the thought of ‘the office’ in the previous blog linked to fear of having to confront my ideas with another person – hence the thought would become an actual play out of events in my mind which is more in the realm of imagination of how it would go finally facing the point and how I would direct myself in the situation:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance to actually doing the written document due to this single thought of me sitting in front of my professor’s chair at his office and waiting for a verdict on the current state of the work, hoping for it to go well without realizing that with me creating this single thought and going into the imagination of him telling me that it is either ‘done’ or ‘requires a lot of re-writing to be done,’ I create an actual resistance to do anything at all – this means that whether my imagination is positive or negative about it, I remain entertained only in my mind about it instead of actually physically doing it.

 

When and as I see myself entertaining myself in my mind with regards to a positive or negative feedback upon my work, I stop and I breathe – I realize that what is being created in my mind is of no substance other than my own thoughts that are built upon a future projection of me having ‘finished the work,’ which is precisely what needs to be directed by me in physical reality.

 

I realize that I will invariably have to face such imagination-point as an actual event of going for revisions and that in no way do I require to create an expectation about it being good or bad – I assist and support myself to remain here as breath when and as I approach the office/ the person and take things as breath, ensuring that I do not try to make things only ‘my way’ but am open to perspectives/ constructive criticism that can in fact assist and support me to expand my current view/ perspective on the point.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘revision’ to a negative experience wherein I believe that I will have to re-do everything again and link this ‘re-doing’ to the ‘worst case scenario’ that I participate in within my mind, without realizing that this fear is actually me preventing me from actually doing anything at all.

 

Thus, when and as I see myself imagining the moment of revision of my work and being anxious and nervous while having him reading the whole thing, expecting for the worst to happen, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able and capable of supporting myself to remain here as breath, realize that I can only hear and be willing to co-operate within going through the written document as many times as required in order to have everything done in a suitable manner, without creating any stress or anger for having to repeat the whole thing/ repeat some parts as I see and realize that this is part of doing this work thus

I commit myself to stop any fear and imaginary play outs of the worst case scenario as having to repeat myself several times, which I see is a possibility within the nature of the current task at hand – and that in no way do I require to create a negative experience toward it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a future projection of be expecting ‘the worst’ within the imagination-rolling of this thought of the office wherein I play out a hypothetical situation of me having to re-do the whole thing over and over and over again, getting frustrated about it and this is so without realizing that with me simply giving Into this thinking and imagination processes, I am in fact giving permission for me to eventually really go through this,  as I am being the creator of myself and my reality, believing that I somehow had to ‘face’ such points in order to see ‘who I am’ within them, which is absolutely Not necessary as I can simply decide to stop all future projections in the negative realm of it all ‘going wrong,’ stop all resistances and fears in one single moment and actually do the doing as an actual doing as point of Self Movement that must take place by my own physical decision to type and write it out.

When and as I see myself rolling the thought of the office into an imaginary moment of having to confront my work with another being, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me sabotaging myself with no substance to it other than entertaining myself in the mind instead of actually doing – thus

I commit myself to stop going into imagination about future projecting the confrontation/ presentation of my work with other beings and as such, assist and support myself to be here as breath throughout the entire process, as I see and realize that going into nervousness, anxiety or frustration leads nowhere but having to eventually do it all over again no matter what, as I realize that this has to be done and there is no other way around it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the imagination of being in the room of examination with all professors and having them asking the question ‘what does this all have to do with your career’? which is a primary imagination play out due to my own backchat toward my career choice and my belief that I am betraying ‘my vocation’ by now being dedicated more to the study of the human mind and not so much in the creative process of visual arts, without realizing that we use our mind to create and as such there is no possibility to dissociate a physical externalization as an ‘expression’ of ourselves without making use of the mind.

Thus I realize that this self-creation process is of course as relevant as any other aspect/ consideration within any expression, as it is an externalization of who we are/ how we are existing as the mind.

When and as I see myself going into imagination of that moment of having to confront my work and receive criticism for it not being ‘visual arts related,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that there’s no sense of going into this thoughts and participate within it as it is only based on fear and further backchat that I’ve had toward my own career and current interests in life, which can be certainly equally supported by both activities, as both points are related to who we are as humans and as such, there’s no need to create a dissonance around this in my mind any further.

 

I commit myself to stick to the physical, common-sense reality that is here for me to walk and direct myself in, wherein I do not require to imagine the whole thing ‘being done’ as I can only stick to writing it and working on it as a physical action in the moment, as I see and realize that imagining possible outcomes with it serves no purpose but distraction in relation to the actual work that requires to be done.

— to be continued

 

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Blogs:

Character Dimensions – BACKCHAT Dimension (Part 3): DAY 169

Day 169: After Death Communication – Part 18

 

Supportive Interview:

Eye Twitching – The Body as Teacher


161. Good Deeds as Future Investment

Continuing from 160. Pious

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘good deeds’ according to ‘doing good to another’ and within this justifying my own feeling good based on what I had done onto others, instead of realizing that everything that I do ‘onto another’ is in fact done toward self as one and equal and within this, there can be no ‘positive experience’ when directing oneself to support another the same way that I would like to be supported.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accumulate good deeds as in doing ‘positive things’ onto others from the starting point of accumulating positive-karma and a positive reputation within the system for my own benefit, in this forgiving myself for having accepted and allowed myself to brush aside and hide the actual driving-factor to do things for my own reputation/ benefit, instead of actually doing it absolutely and unconditionally for another – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be hypocritical the moment that I would not want to do something such as ‘helping someone’ but because I had to keep up my reputation of being ‘the helper/ the supporter,’ I would do it from the starting point of simply not ‘messing with my reputation,’ instead of actually being fully willing to support another as myself, which proves to what extent I would be willing to compromise myself and pretend to be ‘something’ at the eyes of others only to not ‘spoil my goodness record’ of being an actual pious person that will ‘enlighten’ those that don’t know the road to do the same themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to listen to a person within wearing the ‘good person’ suit, wherein in my attempt to ‘change them,’ I would deliberately listen and waiting for the moment to erupt all the ‘negative aspects’ that I had heard them say from the puritan stance of me apparently being already ‘beyond that,’ which is part of the ‘good person’ reputation that I believed myself to be wherein I deliberately pushed aside my own experience, my own deeds, words and backchat in the moment wherein I would take such stance as there being ‘nothing wrong with me,’ and within this existing in a superiority position when supporting others as in being the ‘virtuous person that supports the impaired ones,’ which is absolutely denoting separation in all ways and part of what the masquerade of benevolence creates within oneself: “I am right, you are wrong and must be helped out”

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use points of support toward others as ‘points for my own score’ wherein I would keep score of myself being a ‘good person’ for having helped out people during the day, without ever actually proposing for example a change within the entire way that such point of conflict for many could be approached within school so that ‘I’ would not have to take on the pride and positive experience of ‘helping others,’ and instead support the educational system to be supportive for all beings equally, within the realization that if Many have the same problem, then the flaw is within the way it is being taught, instead of the problem being the beings not understanding it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to Invest on my own ‘good person’ character within the realization that within building this reputation from an early age, I would get ‘doors open’ more easily within the system in the future, wherein I was from an early age already looking forward to way, means and relationships that I would use in order to make a ‘good living,’ wherein I would go as far as supporting my classmates from that starting point of thinking that ‘Someday they will be in a position wherein they will be the ones that will be able to support me’ and within this, not being unconditionally supporting others as myself in the moment, but actually see it as a positive-credit investment to the future, wherein I was aiming at ‘using my credits’ at some point in the future whenever I wanted and If I would require such ‘gears’ in the system to my own benefit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately seek to create ‘political relationships’ with people at school, which were not necessarily ‘friendship based,’ but going straight to the point of being in ‘good terms’ with everyone in order to get a positive reward in the future wherein I expected me to be supported by others due to me being ‘remembered’ as having been a ‘good person,’ which once again proves that I was in fact investing on my own positive-feedback within my participation in the school-system as a way to be recognized by others and as such, ensure that no matter what, people will remember me for ‘how good I was in everything I did, ‘ which is plain self-interest based type of actions, words and deeds at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberate shove aside my ‘negative backchat’ toward others in the moment of interacting with them, and immediately play out this point of ‘them probably being able to support me in the future’ and as such, immediately shift my way of communicating with them to being more affable and open and ‘charismatic,’ from the starting point or vantage point of realizing that I could ‘use their friendship/ colleagueship’ later on in life in order to support ME, so I better behave in a friendly manner in order to be liked by them.

I realize that within this way of socializing – social-lies are kept from one another in what is euphemistically called ‘political relationships,’ wherein we all knew that we were building ‘relationships’ for our future and within this know before hand that we didn’t necessarily have to ‘like’ each other or be empathetic toward one another, but only see relationships as ways to climb within the system and to support each other’s interest as a way to keep ourselves ‘on top’ of society, which is what we were being trained for at school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately be a ‘good person’ toward those that I knew had more impact within the political arena in my environment, due to believing that money and politics as part of my ‘relationships’ would be of great use in order to have someone to ‘aid me’ in the future if I ‘help them out’ at this stage- which was schooling years – and within this, from an early age learn the ways within the system of corruption and recommendations wherein things are much easier if you are supported by another in a position of power/ control within the social structure that being ‘one more in the mass,’ which is how I learned that creating a positive reputation within me toward others that I knew would be ‘potential future support’ was to my own benefit, and that helping them out ‘today’ would ensure my own help ‘tomorrow,’ which is how people in positions of power and control support each other to always remain winning, looking for one’s own benefit and position within the system, instead of actually supporting one another to be equally supported, wherein such corruption and favoritism would not have to exist any longer to be supported within the system, but instead equal opportunities as equal support being given as an unconditional living right.

 

I see and realize how I have used this point of support within my reality as a way to gain/ accumulate ‘positive points’ within my imaginary positive-feedback/ positive reputation chart, wherein I was ensuring my own survival and positioning within the system by deliberately using my ‘wits’ and ‘understanding’ in a place like school to support those that would not understand/ required help and doing so from the starting point of thinking that ‘I am helping them today but I expect to be supported by them tomorrow,’ which mostly implied people being in positions to support me to get to a certain job/ position within the identification of myself as a ‘good person’ and ‘hard working’ and ‘benevolent’ at their eyes, wherein the memories of ‘me having helped them’ throughout school would become the usage of such positive points to ensure that I am able to be supported by people, due to understanding how this world system works based on relationships and understanding the importance of school and relationships within school to create a network of support toward each other to keep us all in the same positions of power/ control/ direction according to what we were supposed to do/ be within the world system.

 

I commit myself to expose the system of values as positive and negative as the starting point of our entire personalities and beingness being driven to survive within such system basing our actions, words and deeds within the starting point of being ‘good to others’ to our own benefit within the distorted principles of supporting others the same way that one would like to be supported but using it as a way to support each other within a closed system of favoritism and recommendations used to gain or preserve certain positions within the world system wherein the majority of people have no access to such ‘colleagueism’ in order to ensure that those with already enough power/ consideration within the system, remain in such positions through being supported by those in power to remain in the same point of power above others.

 

I commit myself to stop existing within this favoritism system of ‘being a good person’ in order to await for a positive reward from my initial investment as the ‘good doer person,’ and within this actually walk the process to understand and realize how such benefits from being a ‘good person’ can only exist in a system of Inequality – therefore we can only support each other as equals within the realization that any benefit we currently experience above others is in fact a point of abuse that will no longer be able to exist once that the Equal Money System is in place and established as an actual opportunity to become an example of what giving and receiving in an unconditional manner is all about, which is supporting each other to live in dignity, supporting each other to in fact become living beings and within this realizing that there is no ‘benefit’ to await for within this all, but simply realizing that I am supporting self as one and equal and within this there is nothing to win or lose as it is part of self-support that I have decided to walk as myself within this Process of Self Realization

 

I commit myself to actually walk the principle of giving to others as one would like to receive in an absolute manner wherein there are no ‘hidden agendas’ of personal benefit to do so, and within this becoming aware of any positive-experience of upliftment or personal satisfaction as an energetic experience if such point arises in any given moment of interaction within supporting others, and instead, assist and support me to realize that there is no ‘other’ that I am supporting here but Self as one and equal, and within this, humbling myself to the point of realizing that it is only through supporting each other to get to an optimal point of expression, self-awareness and self-realization that we will in fact be able to assist and support ourselves as the whole to create a system wherein ‘good doing’ won’t exist as a positive-reputation system for one’s personal benefit, but instead become simple principles that we will all live by, wherein one’s actions, words and deeds are understood within the context of the whole being our responsibility and creation at all times.

This is how we transform the positive-thinking, positive doing as self-investment toward positive rewards in the future, to a constant realization that within giving to others as we would want to receive what’s being benefitted is not only self or the other person but Self as a whole as one and equal, and within this understanding that there will be no need to create relationships based on self-interest to maintain a certain position within the system, but instead actual empathy and understanding and relationships of physical interaction will emerge, as there will be no need to have relationships that support the perpetual positioning of only a few on top of the ‘social chain’ within a hierarchical system of values that would support only a few – but instead, the majority as the whole will learn how to support and work together as one single organism wherein any point of abuse is understood as a disease.

 

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124. Who am I within ‘Wanting to be Alone’?

It is clear that it is a mind possession what we go through when desiring or fearing something. Wanting to be alone is just the polarity of actually fearing to be alone and as such, creating a pattern of desire and suppression as fear within events that I then define according to this single character as ‘The Loner.’

If we look at ourselves as society, we all eventually hit this spot of secluding ourselves within a constant desire or fear to be with another, fearing establishing relationships and at the same time desiring to be with others.

We have become so conflictive in our minds that we can structure an entire game of self-interest wherein all that exists is our personal benefit: ‘Oh I want to be alone/ Oh I want to be with another’ – and where’s Life in all that? Where is an actual Self-Agreement that we can consider as an actual point of Self Support that is not dependent on ‘external points’ such as people, environment and situations to  define who we are.

 

I realize throughout this exploration of ‘the loner’ that I have mostly danced around a desire to experience myself in a different way in relation to having company or not, which is then deliberately seeking to play a character that we can become for a moment and establish that as ‘who we are:’ I am alone or I am not alone anymore – and that’s it. And in that we can build and create a thousand events and stories wherein we revolve around a constant friction and conflict in relation to one single point, while everything that we are as human beings that breathe and that require to consider that there is much more than one single point of desire or fear that we trap ourselves into when believing ourselves to be these thoughts in our head, that later on become actual actions that we ‘give life’ to literally, as all actions based on desires or fear are in fact not based on a practical and common sensical consideration of who we are as individuals that exist in a physical biosphere  that we have abused when seeking only to satisfy our hopes, dreams and desires that we sometimes do not even realize we are ‘living for’ because we tend to make it ‘ok’ to keep one single piece of heaven in our pocket, without realizing that such heaven has always been an illusion,  a sugary thought that we keep just because it makes us feel content for a moment – yet it has no substance as a practical living consideration wherein we actually become beings that are able to consider another as an actual equal and one part of ourselves – instead we antagonize and desire each other, like strangers that cannot conceive that we are in fact one and equal.

 

Back to the question:

Who am I within ‘Wanting to Be Alone’?

It is just a character of self manipulation that is designed to actually activate the absolute opposite as a strong desire to create a relationship when and as the ‘conditions’ apply, which is once again a character that seeks to upgrade itself into a ‘completeness’ when being with another/ others, eventually creating yet another form of separation from that avoidance to be with others to an absolute dependency toward others – never in fact seeing and realizing that self is here as one and equal and as such, it is to step out of these limited versions of ourselves: struggling to be with others, yet wanting to be with others and in that just rocking back and forth like in a ping pong match wherein there is no actual ability to win or lose as none of the points are in fact ‘real’ – as we are never in fact all alone yet we cannot ‘complete’ ourselves with another either.

 

So this is a point of Self Honesty wherein we realize how we have created characters to stand as a form of entertainment and conflict to only exist up there in our minds, thinking why we would rather be alone or why we would want to be with another – and where is the rest? It’s simply out of the picture as we become possessed with one single point only, going in circles chasing after each pole instead of actually allowing ourselves to stop, breathe and look for a moment what it is in reality that we are whining about: is this character in any way supporting me to actually take on the practical considerations within this physical world that I require to do.

 

It is rather ludicrous how we have become the characters to such an extent that there are moments wherein we cannot apparently see beyond the fog, yet we are always here, breathing, an entire physical body keeping ourselves alive while we consume ourselves with emotions or feelings that we accept as ‘who we are.’ This is then how we have to consider how to stand one and equal as the mind to become self directive as the mind, so that everything we participate in our day to day, moment by moment reality is no longer the type of prefab limitations such as ‘the loner’ characters that only exist as the limited version that we accepted and allowed ourselves to consume ourselves with.

 

It’s definitely time to live, and by living at this stage it is to stop participating in all characters that we have created as the surrogate versions of ourselves, living for us just because we were too frightened to even consider that there is another way to exist.

I have realized how the participation in the mind is the point that becomes an addictive experience, believing that it is ‘perfectly normal’ to have some type of mind-discomfort translated as an actual pathology that we accept as ‘real’ such as ‘being a loner,’ which is just a delusion I cultivated in order to create my own character to entertain myself with – not necessary.

I have seen and realized how there is an actual fear to stop participating in our ‘personal favorites’ such as usual behavioral patterns that backup the idea of ‘who we are’ in our minds. It’s almost like an aberration to the mind the moment that we do not participate in emotions and feelings and that is an actual point of self-movement, wherein we stop acting out on that which we saw as ‘usual’ within us when the necessary conditions/ context would present itself to then look into our character wardrobe and decide what type of conflictive or pleasing ‘nature’ we want to play out in such moment, never ever realizing or considering the point of abuse that this represents.

So, it’s cool to see and realize how this character was just another way to keep me entertained in my tunnel vision in relation to myself and others

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to a single character in my mind such as ‘The Loner’ character wherein I reduce an entire moment of who I am as flesh to one single ‘self’ that wants/ needs/ desires or rejects being with others and creating a positive or negative energetic churning and sparks about it, which is absolutely delusional to exist as a default experience that in no way assists as support me to be here as breath, physically living and considering where and how I have to direct myself to support me to actually consider how I can be and become an example of what it means to live the word: Equality as Life wherein no reaction or wavering exists when the decision to Live is done and placed in motion by ourselves,  I commit myself to LIVE as that is what we have not yet done/been in fact throughout our existence here: Life in Equality and Oneness

 

I see and realize that because we have all existed in our personal-limitations we have only feared actually getting to know each other because we have even feared establishing an equal and one relationship with ourselves, because we had not considered ourselves ‘enough’ but were actually waiting for something o someone to ‘fill in the void’ and because in our minds not just ‘anything’ can play that role. This is how we become hermits and loners to not have to actually realize that we were protecting ourselves from the actual opportunity of communicating and interacting with others as equals, which implies we cannot generate any positive or negative experience about it, but simply get used to and learn how to live and interact without any emotional or feeling input in order to assess it as ‘being actually living.’

This is how we break the addictive pattern of generating any positive or negative experience upon being alone or being with others as I then instead decide to remain here as breath.

This is the actual fear: just being here, in simplicity – how ludicrous it is – yet it makes ‘perfect sense’ as in the mind we’re always having to be bounding from one side to the other in order to keep ourselves ‘alive’ as the ‘who I am’ of/as the mind. Not necessary.

Alone is what I exist as here, as a physical breathing human body – yet I am a cell that is part of the whole that functions in unison. Right now we’re not Sound enough in our living – thus I align myself to live as the physical which means: no more powering up experiences that I entertain myself within my mind, living here as breath is like living rehab for the very first real time, giving our physical the breaths that we missed when searching for our next greatest hit. Time to live our commitment to live in and as simplicity in every breath here.

 

“We are not alone in this. And no ONE alone will change the world.”
Bernard Poolman 

 

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For further review on ‘The Loner’ Character:

 

Blogs that enable you to understand the 7 Year Journey To Life Commitment_

Day 124: TRUE ACTIVIST TEAMLIFE

How Thoughts Activate Personalities – Part 2 (Self-Commitments): DAY 124

 

GREAT Support my Marduk in these two interviews wherein I was able to see and realize the dedication to life required in order to LIVE this process day by day ensuring that we establish ourselves as the physical in the physical practical reality

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 1) – Part 81

Ever wondered what ‘black holes’?

Reptilians – Marduk and the Existential Mind (Part 2) – Part 82

95. Any Abuse is Always Self-Abuse

Continuing from 94. In-Sin–Irate: Anger Issues 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act upon abuse in a way that I am abusing myself as my physical body by reacting emotionally with what I have defined as ‘anger’ toward a scenario of animal abuse, without realizing that in such experience I am in no way changing the actual reality that is generating and causing such abuse in the first place.

When and as I see myself reacting with anger followed by a sense of petrification when witnessing animal abuse in my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in order to be able to assist and support myself to stand in the face of the consequences we have created and manifested in our world, the reactions must be non-existent as they are only an indication of me placing myself as a reaction that in no way proposes a solution to stop the problem in itself. Thus I direct myself to instead continue breathing through it, as I realize that if I were to be able to witness the entire reality of what exists here in every single moment, I would be dead by petrification and anger.

 

I realize that it is about acknowledging and witnessing what we have become in order to become aware of the consequences that we have manifested for ourselves and imposed onto life/ animals/ the environment itself based on how the current monetary system is existing as, wherein dog fights are used as an ‘illegal way to gamble’ wherein greed, animal abuse and twisted entertainment are conflated into a profitable business just like any other business that is based upon abuse.

 

I realize that the reaction comes whenever I see in real life the actual consequences of the abuse we have imposed as humanity upon animals, life and ourselves becoming slaves to our own enslaving system, which makes it clear that it is not about the point of abuse only to a particular set of beings, but an entire chained-existence of actions, words and deeds that are existing in separation of who we are as one and equal. Hence everything that is currently existing, contains in an implicit manner the same form of abuse –the only point that changes is that we do Not see such abuse right away, we do not see the slave labor that is contained in the very computers we are using to write and communicate ourselves with, we do not see the family that earns slim to nothing for cultivating the coffee that I drink, I do not see the suffering of the animals whose skin was used to build the boots that I was walking on when approaching a ‘situation of abuse.’

 

Thus I see, realize and understand that we have been limited to only react to that which we can immediately associate with ‘abuse’ as an obvious image of a man hitting a dog – however, such abuse is implicit in virtually everything and everyone in this reality. Thus

To assist and support myself to clarify this point for me in and as every moment that I see myself reacting to an explicit image that depicts abuse, is to understand that everything and everyone is equally participating and equally responsible for what I am witnessing as ‘abuse,’ and that the only way to really stop the abuse that is here – whether I witness it or not – is through creating an entire reform within this system from its foundation, which is Money at this stage being the point of value over life in separation of life itself.

 

I realize that my reactions in no way can change the reality for such dogs, nor will it change ‘the mind’ of the beings hitting the dogs as they are most likely taking such point as a job that they are dependent on in order to live.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to judge the beings in my mind and see them as utterly ‘evil,’ without realizing that we are All equally evil just by having accepted and allowed ourselves to never question this reality and the ways that we have ‘built our civilization’ based on building, creating, selling, using, consuming what is here without any consideration toward what it is that we are in fact doing to ourselves, as we never had even considered that we were in fact equal and one to the animals that we abuse, equal and one to the environment that we suck dry in order to satisfy our needs and even ‘luxuries’ that are defined according to a point of ‘having more money/ more power’ to spend in points like ‘dog fight gambling’ as an illegal business that is existent due to all the factors mentioned above: separating ourselves from life as one and equal, getting an energetic experience of pleasure from seeing dogs fighting, from the very ability to ‘win’ within gambling and as such having everything wrapped with the nice experience of even making money out of the entire event, which is all created at a mind level – the same mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become without a question.

 

Thus I see and realize that the same point of abuse that I judged and blamed others for exerting upon dogs, is equally and one existing within and as me just by the mere fact that I have coexisted here in the same reality without ever daring to see what is behind everything that I ‘own’ and that I use on a daily basis in order to continue my ‘life,’ which within this understanding has never been a REAL equal and one self-supportive Life, but has been and existed as a condition of enslaved abuse wherein we have conned ourselves/ each other to lie, cheat, abuse in the name of survival – thus, I am not separated from the beings that hit dogs and abuse animals in the name of money, as I use the same money and the same products that use animal testing, the same money that is gambled in dog fights, the same money that pays for products derived from animals that are abused and treated as products only and any other living being – including the environment – that we use on a daily basis in order to ‘live.’

 

Therefore I commit myself to ensure that a new system is able to be in place in order to stop the chain massacre of events that we are equally responsible for just by the mere fact that we are equally existing HERE, ensuring thus that the new system is based from its very foundation on Life in Equality – and that Money no longer exists as a point of power that can only exist as abuse over life/ ourselves – but instead becomes a single tool to ensure that all beings are equally supported in this world, so that atrocities committed due-to and because of making profit/ making the most through abusing what is here is no longer possible, as there will be no need to create ‘wealth’ if all have the ability to have everything that is required to live in a dignified manner, wherein all GREED that is causing our world-system problem is treated as a disease at a mind level that each individual will take responsibility for.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize in the moment of experiencing anger toward an event/ situation of abuse that I am only witnessing but a snippet of what goes on in this world on a daily basis, as everything that we currently use, consume and make money from is linked to the same system of abuse that we have all complied to by the mere fact of accepting money as a means to live – instead of making life something that is equally recognized as who we are and as such, start considering how to implement the best ways to use, transform and consume what we require to live in the most adequate and studied ways to ensure the least harm toward life/ animals/ the environment is considered within all aspects of our human-civilization living.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even try and exert anger and experience anger toward the event of abuse, without realizing that in such moment I am Only considering ‘my experience/ my own reaction’ to the event, wherein I am in no way supporting the beings to step out of such character as ‘the abuser’ nor am I creating an entire systematic change to ensure that dog fights are no longer existing as a clandestine business – therefore,

 

When and as I see myself wanting to conjure a plethora of reactions and offenses in my mind toward ‘those’ that I perceive as perpetrators of abuse, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only reacting to what I am witnessing in that moment with my physical eyes, yet in no way looking at the entire context of how such point of abuse is equally existent everywhere else in the world wherein an exorbitant amount of abuse is being imposed onto virtually everything and everyone in this reality. Therefore I see, realize and understand that me in that moment wanting to cure and shout at another is plain mind possession that in no way would have changed the scenario for the people or the dogs in the event.

 

I realize that I am ‘them’ as well and that everything that I reacted to was a mirror of myself that I was not willing to recognize exists here as myself and as such, I see the reaction as my own point to work with in order to be able to stand in the face of abuse, to stop all reactions as self-interest within only looking at ‘my experience toward abuse,’ and instead become the point that works in reality to take responsibility for the current system we have created, which will be primarily working first with myself to stop all minor reactions toward abuse – and as such, prepare myself in every moment that I am able to breathe through such scenario to be able to then make actual decisions that will be directed to change the reality that is currently based on money only – and establish Life as the one and only real value on Earth.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to deliberately ‘make others see’ the point of abuse, which is no different to want to convert someone to ‘seeing reality the same way I see it,’ which is futile and of not practical solution as I am in such action only recriminating on another what I have defined as ‘blatant abuse,’ however in no way am I actually assisting and supporting the beings to realize what they’re doing within the entire context of how the money system exists, our relationship to animals, to this entire world and each other as equals. Thus

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘show’ to others the point of abuse that they are exerting over other life forms and themselves, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in no way my recrimination and judgment toward them will make a difference to those/ that which is abused in the moment, as I am in no way actually walking with the person to reveal the point of abuse and share the practical ways to stop and correct themselves, which is something that cannot be imposed onto another, but can only emerge as a decision self makes in order to be part of the solution and stop the problem.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself to speak toward other human beings without realizing that in no way my starting point for doing that is here as and in self honesty, because I am only in fact reacting to the entire event wherein I am in no way for example, the reactions and aftermath of what they could have done from me asking questions to them, which is then a point to realize how

 

When and as I see myself reacting within this surge as a desire to speak/ call out the abuse that others are imposing onto animals/ any other life form or themselves is stemming from actual fear and denial of what I am witnessing, with no consideration of how to assist and support the beings to realize what they are doing or participating in, as I am merely interjecting myself into a situation that I came to face ‘by casualty.’

 

Thus when and as I see myself with this desire to speak to others based on reacting to the point/ event/ moment/ situation , I stop and I breathe – I realize that everything that I have done thus far in my reality is by a pattern of ‘seeing the abuse outside of myself’ but never even daring to see how I am abusing myself and my very physical body because of and just by the fact that I had accepted and allowed myself to become the mind that reacts to abuse, but had in no way considered the practical ways and means to stop such abuse overall.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from ‘the abusers’ and believing that they have ‘no heart’ and that they are ‘evil in nature,’ without realizing that everything that we are just by the fact that we have become the very epitome of separation from and of life itself makes us all the reverse of Live as Evil, wherein some of us have made ourselves as the entire denial of such evil existing within ourselves – which then points out to see how it is dishonest to react to one single point of abuse and call it out on others, without daring to see it within ourselves first, without daring to realize that our very current survival is dependent on a system that is based and founded upon abuse – hence, no one is innocent, no one can possibly ‘wash their hands’ from being the very person that hits a dog that is trained to fight against other dogs in clandestine businesses such as gambling, as it is all formulated and schemed in a human mind that I also exist as.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and/ or desire to react in equal violence as thoughts directly linked to harming others the same way that I am witnessing others harming other beings, which makes me equally participant in that moment of the same abuse I was witnessing, as I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to harm and kick them, which is an aspect that is existing ‘here’ as myself and no different to exerting it out on dogs – therefore I see and realize to what extent I have made myself the ‘innocent’ and ‘righteous one’ that can ‘call out the abuse on others,’ without realizing the entire reaction that comes before ‘calling the abuse on others’ is me wanting to attack and harm them in an equal way as that which I am witnessing in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself feeling ‘righteous’ to call out on the abuse of others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that calling out the abuse and wanting to deliberately ‘do to them as they have done onto others,’ is taking a point of equally abusive vindication that I have in no way the right to exert onto another as I am in this only participating in the same cycle of abuse. Thus I stop believing that ‘I have the right to become angry’ by participating in a deliberately crafted momentary surge of anger and imaginary projections of violence and abuse toward beings in a way to ‘make justice’ to a point that is in itself stemming from an absolutely unjust system that has never ever considered life, that has never ever been based upon living Life in Equality and Oneness – thus, I am equally responsible for everything that is here and as such stopping the reactions toward it is the first and primary point to establish here as myself, in order to be able to practically face the consequences and reality we have become and in that, instead of reacting: work with myself and others in order to establish Solutions for this problem in a tangible and physical manner wherein such abuse will never again have to exist because of money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having deliberately wanted to ‘create anger’ within and as me, as that familiar state of energetically charged reaction of paralysis wherein ‘I want to make justice to the situation,’ taking the self-righteous point of me being ‘innocent’ and ‘right’ about it, without even taking a moment to consider how within this I am wanting to deliberately use my physical body to play out anger as a way to force myself to point out/ call out the abuse on others, which is unacceptable.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to become angry in the self-righteous position of ‘the benevolent being’ wanting to ‘call out’ on the abuse that I see others perpetrating onto something/ someone, I stop and I breathe, I realize that in such point I am becoming the ‘savior’ character toward other life forms that cannot defend themselves- however in such moment I am only becoming part of the fighting and retaliation system that in no way supports to create a solution, but only adds up to the entire conflagration of emotions and reactions that do have consequences on a physical level for all participants involved.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to movies portraying a clandestine business of dog fighting shot in the city I live in and merely take it as ‘fantasy’ and something that was not in any way a ‘reality’ of ‘my reality’ which shows to what extent ‘my reality’ has become only that which I am able to see, witness and experience first hand on my day to day basis, which is the very core of the problem in this world because we have not dared to recognize, see and understand that no matter if we live in a castle where ‘nothing ever bad happens,’ everything and everyone that is here is equally responsible for any and all forms of abuse that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become by the single acceptance of living as a mind over matter/ over the physical / over life itself.

 

Therefore, I see and realize that just because I don’t see it – the abuse – it doesn’t mean it’s not there/ it doesn’t exist – as I see and I realize that in this very denial that we simply cover up with further abuse we have neglected the reality that is here as ourselves, as all forms and ways of abuse that we base our current ‘life’ upon, which is no life, is abusing life to get by, continuing existing just as consuming beings that have no regard to realize that what is being consumed, used and exerted ‘power’ upon is ourselves, and that All Abuse is Always Self Abuse.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself ‘brave’ in that moment of approaching the beings that I am wanting to judge and curse at in a situation of abuse, without realizing that I cannot measure the consequences of this entire event and as such, I realize that I could also be harmed and cause further problems from me wanting to ‘exert my right to call out the abuse’ in a situation wherein within the current conditions of this physical reality, I did expose myself quite a lot, as I in no way had an idea of how the males could have reacted toward me.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to directly speak toward someone that I see is perpetrating any form of abuse onto themselves/ another – I stop and I breathe – I realize that in this besides wanting to ‘save another’ I am in fact placing myself in an unpredictable situation wherein I have no idea of what thoughts can drive another to do and react as – thus I ensure that I do not participate in such points unless the being is explicitly requesting to be supported s that would indicate that ‘then’ we do have an opportunity to create a solution – yet wanting to just ‘call out on abuse’ on others in that moment is actually a risky situation that I cannot measure its consequences to the T as to ensure that I would not end up being harmed as well.

 

Therefore, when and as I see myself witnessing a situation of abuse, I stop and I breathe – I realize that my participation in such point would make no difference to stop the situation and that I would only expose myself unnecessarily. I instead assist and support myself to see the context of the abuse to ensure that we do take into consideration everything that is currently linked to any form of abuse in this world system, which is nothing else but our own mind that must be walked through a process of self correction to ensure that everything we do, say and think is based upon Life in Equality at all times.

 

Thus I stop existing only as a self-righteous caller of abuse and instead, focus on becoming a self-responsible being for myself, my own reactions, my own reality wherein I no longer only ‘react to abuse,’ but I instead become aware of the situation, study the points behind such abuse – what caused it, who, how is it allowed and accepted and how it can practically be stopped – which is most likely always linked to money and the relationship we have created toward money in our minds

 

I realize that ‘my anger’ is just ego – wanting to feel ‘bad’ for a point of actual abuse which is unacceptable – thus I stop from wallowing into my own reactions and instead ground myself to breathe through facing and realizing the consequences of what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to become – and instead, walk the process of self-correction to ensure that I no longer am part of the chain that unfolds these crimes against life, against ourselves = I stop the inner battle of anger existing within and as me.

 

We’re all responsible and responsibility comes for all participants here as we can no longer just expect some god-president to do it for us, we cannot expect someone to come up with a ‘bright plan’ to just implement ways to ‘save the planet’ and ‘save the animals’ or implement peace in a world where war is waged against ourselves in our very minds every single day that we accept and allow ourselves to exist as our mind.

Until Here and No Further.

 

Support and investigate the Equal Money System wherein we are practically looking at the points that require to be realigned and directed in a way wherein all beings are equally supported to live, making of abuse only a mind-related condition that will be prevented with proper education and supported through a process of Self-Honesty that can be walked through the understanding and application of Self-Forgiveness, Self-Honesty and Self Corrective Application

 

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Journey to Life blogs: a day to day living education shared by people like you and me.

 

Ahora veo 2008 (Now I See)

 

Interviews that supported me extensively to come to these realizations and give myself proper direction to write Self-Forgiveness are:

 

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