Tag Archives: judgments

639. Reconciling with the Artistic Expression In Me

 

It’s been a while since I shared a blog. I’ve been on a ‘writing diet’ where I write at least 3 pages on a daily basis in my personal diary or notebook which is something I begun as part of a process I’m embarking myself on to reconcile myself – yes, once again and yes embracing the process – with my artistic side or artistic interests which I’ve been basically focusing on investigating and aligning throughout these past months. I’ve been realizing some of the most ‘shady’ aspects that I’ve allowed to get in the way of me continuing to express myself and I decided to write self forgiveness on these points along with some realizations and share them, since I’m aware many can be at a similar situation with any given aspect in their lives too.  

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize I created a sense of being unworthy when it comes to expressing myself through creative means simply because of being told that no one would buy that, no one would like that and that I had to do stuff that most people liked in order to be paid for it, which then became a way to constantly create a hellish experience within me while creating, having to satisfy these invisible people that I believed I had to please and within that, causing that split within me where expressing myself in a more intimate and unconditional way – as it was in the beginning when I started – became a thing of the past and I then had to ‘use my skills’ to ‘be bought’ by others, and in doing so eventually wanting to once again distance myself from doing anything creatively.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold a negative experience to the idea of my work being valued in a certain amount of money where I’ve judged such amount of money as ridiculous and just not worth the ‘thing’ that I created, which I then believed was something good or positive but slowly with time I allowed that notion to sabotage me from continuing to create because I then would be having to ‘think in money terms’ when creating, which became a departure from myself – because art for me was not intended to be a ‘product’ but it was a very personal, unconditional and dare I say innocent form of expression with and for myself that I then allowed to be influenced on ‘why I do it’ and ‘what kind of stuff’ I should do, missing out the point of it which has always and should always be Me and the process I’ve been walking, which is what any form of expression for me is really about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a silent inner war in relation to art and monetary value where I slowly but surely sabotaged myself from creating anything as a way to not have to see it as a product – instead of seeing that I could have simply realized that I was  attaching some monetary values to something that should be first of all a point of self-expression and communication, where an economic value would come only if and when I would decide to offer it for selling it and only when and if there could be any potential person interested in buying it, therefore leaving all of that as a secondary purpose to it, not ever forgetting that my main purpose and value is for myself, for my own satisfaction, expression and enjoyment – otherwise I now see I corrupt myself by thinking in ‘money terms’ other than me expressing me and sharing unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the moment that there was a struggle in my head because of having others’ opinions, views or expectations of ‘what I need to create’ I should have stopped and not allow myself to go there, since that is not the reason why I signed up to do anything creative in the first place, I did it as a point of curiosity and exploration for myself, to communicate myself with myself and then it became something I would have to do as a profession to be paid for and satisfy others with it, which is not a ‘wrong’ thing to do either, but that’s not where my true passion is for in it.  I totally buried myself under those ‘expectations’ I projected upon myself even when I believed I was doing something ‘for me,’ I would still be having ideas of ‘having others liking it’ in the background and in that, I corrupted my own expression which I see has of course nothing to do with the ghostly voices in my head of ‘others eyes’ on it,  because they were entirely brought up by myself and it then became in a bundle of  fears around it that I now see I used as a justification to not continue doing anything creative for a while.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to many times create a dissonance, a split between ‘what’ I had to do instead of asking myself who do I decide to be and according to that direct myself, because of having fallen on the usual ideas where I would have to choose one thing to become ‘something’ in life– like having a certain title, career or diploma – in order to perform certain tasks which show me the extent to which I have been mostly perpetuating the same kind of labels and boxes wherein we have defined ourselves to be just ‘one thing’ and only be that ‘one thing’ throughout a lifetime, instead of opening up the endless possibilities that are in fact possible if we tap into that source of what and who we really are and so expressing that into any aspect of our lives, regardless of ‘what we do.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to split myself between the idea of supporting others and making that my living purpose and my own natural tendency an d interest on artists and artistic creations as a source of both enjoyment and understanding to me, and in doing so, I ended up creating a division from this natural expression and judging it as selfish, as a waste of time, as shallow or without any consequence in others’ lives, without realizing  that in doing so, I was cutting up, chopping off a part of myself in such judgment process wherein I then created a constant push and pull friction game towards that inclination that emerged from a very young age in me and that I judged later on as frivolous and part of my ego-creation.

I realize currently how yes from a very innocent and instinctive move to paint and draw, I then turned it into a an expectation of making it my profession and then buying into the idea of that having to be my way to ‘climb up the ladder of success’ and feed my ego with dreams and ideals of fame and recognition, where – even though I had the idea of ‘doing so to help to save the world’ – the motivation was still the aggrandizement of my own persona, which is why I then took myself to the opposite side of not wanting to show what I do, not wanting to share it around and judging others that would dare to do so as egotistical or seeking others’ approval, which only stands as my own projection of my own judgments and what I’ve done towards myself, which I realize is a product of tainting my expression with the norms and ways we have created the current system wherein art has also become an industry which is not wrong in itself since it can be considered work itself, but to me art does go beyond the ‘final product’ but I’m definitely more interested in the person that is behind the work of art which is where I see that lies my interest on the artistic field.

I forgive myself  that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to taint my expression with the ideas of ‘what I would have to do’ in order to sell or in order to have other people like what I do, which I realized has been a rather painful process considering that it doesn’t mean I have to make money out of what I decide to express in a very personal way of communicating with myself, which I can share unconditionally without having to make it ‘fit’ certain market standards or having certain ‘qualities’ which is what I’ve then come to experience an inner conflict with, because my aim is to use art as a way to communicate and to see myself, to understand and learn from myself and enjoy while making it and making that very personal and sacred moment where it’s just me expressing and communicating with myself.

I realize that the moment that I place ‘others’ or ‘the public’ as the ultimate outcome, I distance myself from myself, I move away from that very core point that got me into wanting to create art in the first place and it becomes a job, something I have ‘to do’ for money or to be able to be ‘sellable’ and in that, losing my own essence and shaping myself into whatever I am believing ‘others’ want to see and get from me, which is entirely created in my own mind and as such, there has never been ‘others’ or any form of exigencies, it’s all been me allowing my own judgments and ideas to influence and maim my own creativity over the years .

I realize that the various comments and opinions I got over the years were all standing as expressions of their own views and standards, and to me they represented moments where I would have had to fully stand as my expression – but I didn’t. And that’s why every time I would succumb to certain demands, I would feel a little more lost in it all and ended up feeling meaningless and purposeless – shallow – in the whole process of making anything related to art, even doing any form of indoor decoration because of then tainting it as shallow, superficial or non-substantial or supportive to life itself – defining ‘life’ outside of myself as ‘others’– instead of seeing that I am the source of it and the ultimate end point of it, if it exists in me – and me being part of the whole – there should not exist any limitation to this point of expression that is intended to see ‘what comes out of me’ as an individual, simply to see ‘how I am doing’ and express it in ways that I may not be able to do so through words at times, and so seeing that it has been essential for me to draw and paint things that are just inside of me and come out as an extension of myself, that are devoid of a certain ‘receptor’, which I consider is the actual essence of what any form of art is, an externalization of the creator because of the sheer will of the creator itself to have it happen or just ‘be’ for its own sake.

In my case I have decided to make of that art not something that I ‘have to do’ but something that I can decide to express as part of my self-communication, self-enjoyment, the creation of that me-time that I now know I have to give myself and create for myself since I have shaped my life and time around all of the other doings that I require to do as a way to survive and as a way to relate to others, which simply require a balancing point so that I can in fact give me and create more time to do it and stick to it the same way that I stand in a disciplined and responsible manner to any other responsibility and duty I have.

I realize that If I cut out this limb of mine, this part of me that has continued to be a relevant aspect of my life, I’ll end up feeling forever frustrated for not having had the guts to give myself the time and courage to do it, to make it actually OK and acceptable that I create time for me to continue developing any form of creative expression that satisfies that self-communication and self-understanding beyond the usual self-writings, because that stands as something that can break the mold of what I regularly do on a daily basis and what I dare to say to myself through words only.

I also understand the importance of creativity, it is that ‘creative germ’ that is needed in all of us if we truly want to ‘break the mold’ and create a better world because otherwise, as I’ve seen for myself, we can just fall into the comfort of how things usually are and have been and not having any new things or challenges coming our way and getting too complacent and obedient to whatever we have all collectively come to believe is how ‘we should live our lives.’ And I know that it takes courage and a real sense of authority and will to decide to not fall into such expectations and categories and live differently, which then doesn’t become a constant ‘against the flow’ rebellious type of process as I used to do it before, but it becomes simply living the realization that this is the actuality of myself that is no longer seeking to be liked, appreciated or conform or fit in, but embraces that individuality devoid of judgment and expectations, and simply decides to get back in tune with myself, to be ‘here’ rather than seeking to be somewhere else or be accepted by others here or there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to maim my own authenticity whenever I allowed others’ comments, opinions – or the lack thereof – about what I do creatively to affect and define the way that I relate to my works of art, where I then stepped into the realm of valuing opinions and judgments and forgot to look at myself, asking myself why is this important or relevant for me to do, what it means to me and why it satisfies me or not to do it.  

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become too concerned with monetary values and I realize that it is not about saying that selling my art is wrong or an act of self-interest, but that should come as a byproduct of me first standing fully in absolute congruence with my creation, where I can be sure there isn’t any noise implied in its creation while having thoughts about possibly selling it or thinking what colors would be liked more by ‘the majority’ of people, or what kind of stuff would be ‘easy to appreciate and like’ and hang on a wall or have around – and instead focus on simply being me, expressing me because I can see how I have been living that within myself and I have stood up when realizing I’m about to enter into a ‘shaping’ process that doesn’t respect me – but I haven’t done that with my own artistic expression.

I realize how easy it is for me to get into that shady space of not sharing or showing myself, all having to do with holding ideas about ‘who I am and have been’ in relation to a particular ‘personality system’ of having been placed in the spotlight at a certain time in my life, creating and building expectations upon myself that I then couldn’t fulfill because they, of course, came from a place of separation, of arrogance, of superiority and idealism that can’t be in fact satisfied because it’s not coming from the truth of who I am and who I want to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define me according to people’s opinions and values given towards me, where they all in fact felt phony to me ever since being a child and receiving accolades, it became a great nuisance to be told all of these good things and being praised where I eventually wanted to ‘not be singled out’ and hide in the background, to not stand out and in doing so,  I ended up diminishing myself because of having created a negative experience to being the source of opinions and critics, even if they were favorable, it seemed unfair and unreal for me to be able to define someone based on numeric characters or only a few characteristics that were ‘worthy’ within a particular system, like in schools.

That’s also why I wanted to do something that could enable me to see myself outside of values and titles that we are supposed to get in society, that define ‘who we are’ and that’s why I started doing what I did within an artistic expression – that I later on ‘vandalized’ with adding all kinds of judgments, opinions  and expectations to it and I perverted it and turned it into just another ‘thing’ that one ‘does’ in the ‘system’ and that’s it, it’s like taking the life out of myself by turning that which was once very personal and unconditional and a point of enjoyment to me and turning it into a show ‘for others’ and to find ‘my value and worth’ in society, which I then failed to do as I should, because it would have led me down to another rabbit hole if I had been successful at that.

I also realize that it’s not that ‘others’ are the problem in fact, since they are me. In any case each person stands as a good mirror where I can look back at myself and see what I can learn from it to either expand  myself or try out new things, without any longer seeking to be liked, accepted, valued or appreciated that way, because I realize that such values are in fact standing only in the eye of the mind and can only serve a way to ‘see’ things, but it’s only me that will ultimately know WHO I am behind WHAT I decide to do, whatever it is.

I realize that we lose ourselves many times in the eyes of others and allow ourselves to get quietly and deeply hurt and don’t dare to speak it out in the moment, because of fearing to come through as sensitive or immature – but opening up about those aspects that were impactful for us is the first point, to realize that many times there have been assumptions, misunderstandings and a general projection of who each person is in relation to their opinions and comments. I realize that I also have been able to consider certain constructive aspects from what others say about my work, but even with that, I realize I have to define what I will accept and allow as feedback and what I won’t because to me, artistic expression is that one sacred place where no others’ ‘laws’ or ‘ways’ apply and where I can in fact transcend myself and my limited views, beliefs and morals. I desecrate that space, that part of myself every time that I use someone else’s words as a reason or justification of why I should do something a certain way or why I should just give up trying to do anything creative.

I also realize that in my mind I have been the only one that has decided to give such amount of focus and attention to what others may or may not say – critically and constructively – and that I am the only one that can allow that to affect me in a negative or emotional way.  I realize that as one goes strengthening that sense of self-worth, self appreciation and being congruent with the expression of ‘who I am’ and ‘who I decide to be’ and what I focus on continuing to create and express no matter what may come my way, it should not change who I decide to be in that expression.

I can use the feedback  to make myself grow and expand and consider other perspectives, but reacting negatively towards it is entirely a self-created decision that I now realize I have the total capacity to work through and release myself from, which can leave me with a better understanding of who the other person is in their words and their way of seeing things and their relationship to what I do, but ultimately to not take it personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my own expression, the unique actions and movements and expressions that I have to any other human beings’, which has led me within a never ending unfulfilled experience where I became the outflow of my own judgments and allowing that to maim my creative expression by giving up on it.

I realize we all – each one of us – is part of the whole that expresses in a unique way, which doesn’t make it more or less than or ‘better’ or ‘worse’ than – it is about embracing the multiplicity and learning to see it as that unique expression that it is, where I realize that I have made and turned myself into my own worst enemy when constantly deciding what is ‘good’ or not in my own eyes and then ending up projecting those judgments towards my own creations, which results in self-sabotage.

Currently I realize looking back how what I’ve done just IS and they are all testimonies and registry of the various phases in my life that I don’t have to feel ashamed of, since they were a relevant and important aspect of who I was at the time, a part of me, a reflection of me in that space and time and if I don’t embrace and accept myself and decide that such expression had its right to be at the time and represent me, who else will? No one.

I realize that my curiosity and general inclination towards some artistic expressions like music and visual arts have been a form of food for my beingness, which at some point I tried to simply distance myself from within the belief that they were just distractions or my own way to ‘escape’ from my reality. And I realize that at times, it might have been so in the past, but I surely realize that is not my starting point at the moment but the other way around.

I now see the potential in art and artists as part of what’s worth living for in this world, because I’ve gone from loathing humanity to appreciating every person that I get to know more about and seeing a lot of valuable things that I can learn from which I’ve come to do through watching documentaries, reading about artists lives and any creative genius, which I ultimately see as one of the reasons why I want to continue being me and developing my expression,  not only to support others but to get to contribute back in the ‘creative pool’ from where I’ve been nurturing myself from as well, because that’s how I’ve gotten to appreciate the life that is in each one of us and that manifests in all of these multiple ways that are worth getting to see and appreciate for who and what they are.

My starting point is not to feel ‘original’ since we are ALL original since we all come from the same and one origin point that we all express in a variety of ways that actually makes this life worth living and so, it’s absolutely worth getting to know one another and getting to connect with those that may be walking a similar path and living purpose to the one I have, which I’ve seen is quite feasible as well.

My current starting point to develop myself in relation to any form of artistic creation and developing communication and comradeship with fellow artists is because it’s proven to me how this particular sector of people in the world that, according to how I see it, dares to live ‘outside of the norm’ within their minds and so in their lives and dare to share that in any way that reflects their inside world, that reflects their particular inner experience are the front runners of changing the way life is lived and how new structures and ways can be created that benefit more of humanity and life in general.

 I’ve seen how easy it is to connect to that same common sensical level with people that are working or have experience in any cultural or artistic field, we just can click in one moment because there’s that same or similar understanding of who we really are and what’s worth working and living for in this life.

I was discussing with my friend about art in itself and it got me to think how I don’t have a particular fondness for certain works of art based on taste, but I surely get to appreciate the ‘who’ is behind that work that got to master themselves to put in the practice, effort, dedication and willingness to do something that perhaps was completely ‘out of their norm’ and did what they had to do in order to get it out of themselves and manifest it as a creation in reality; some others might have done it from a more natural talent that they just could effortlessly express, but in either case, there is a willingness to express and to me that is implying that there is an awareness of the creative potential we all have and can use to benefit our lives. How?

To me it is a primordial and basic point of nurturing your being, of expressing and so sharing it if one’s up for it. They are all bits and ways in which we go stepping out of the ‘usual patterns’ and dare to cross our own limitations and in sharing them, we assist others to do so as well. I also had to let go of the ideas of wanting to share or inspire others or wanting it to be ‘seen’ or ‘liked’ by others. It’s very similar to this process and writing where, whenever I place myself in a position of wanting to ‘share with others’ I miss out myself as being my own point, my own source, my own end of such creation. So now, If I find it supportive, then sharing becomes simply an extension of that self-support being in fact something that I see could benefit others because it is benefitting me.

This is where I can decide to own me and my every step of the way in my own creation, which I also relate to the way I’ve been able to own my decisions and choices in life and all the mistakes I’ve made, because they now make me who I am and I can look back and see that they are all part of the building blocks that I can now constructively use as part of the experience that makes me who I am today that may become stories of support to share to others as a way to learn from my own doings and wrongdoings and get to express the better version of ourselves.

 

Thanks for reading

I absolutely recommend listening to this series to anyone that’s interested in this kind of topics and specifically feeling meaningless, purposeless or feeling like there’s something yet to satisfy within oneself as a living purpose


  1. Meaningless: The Undefined Self – Atlanteans – Part 346

  2. Meaningless: Searching for Meaning – Atlanteans – Part 347
  3. Meaningless: Redefinition – Atlanteans – Part 348
  4. Meaningless: Self Forgiveness Challenge – Atlanteans – Part 349
  5. Meaningless: Standing as a Self Directive Principle – Atlanteans – Part 350
  6. Meaningless: Giving Yourself Meaning – Atlanteans – Part 351
  7. Meaningless: Fulfillment – Atlanteans – Part 352

  8. Meaning: Finding Meaning in a Cruel World – Atlanteans – Part 353

 

Losing My Limb

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


630. #EqafeDiscovery: The All Encompassing Word

And the cookie-dough theory

The way I wanted to start writing this blog out was with a form of disclaimer about how this writing might sound a bit too ‘out there’ and how it may be a bit too ‘conceptual’ in nature, as a way to control the way that I believe it will go, to have a ‘handle’ of it. Well, I was in essence going to play out what I am about to share here.

I was listening to a podcast and the guest in it shared how he tends to be quite intense with things, he talks in a passionate manner about what he’s been through in life and how he takes on his life sounds the same way. But, that means he also takes things quite ‘to the heart’ as in very personal or creates heavy emotions or feelings about just anything. I can relate to being the kind of ‘intense’ person in essence as well, but the interviewer explained how also using judgment like that can be a way to control things, to have a ‘grasp’ on something, to kind of dominate it or believe we ‘know exactly what we are and what we are not’ and ‘what we are dealing with’ as a form of control. This got stuck in my mind and I said to myself ‘I have to write about that topic.’

This is an essential aspect of language itself. I keep going back to the cookie-dough theory that I created when I was studying linguistics. It’s about conceiving the realm of all things that exist as a one-single-whole, it’s life itself as I understand it and that is basically the broadest word I know that can define everything that is and exists, everything that is ‘here’. Some others may call it god or nature or ‘the whole’ or even ‘higher forces’– so for practical purposes let’s consider the analogy of life being this ‘wholeness’ as cookie dough. Then there was the emergence of ourselves as beings –even before we were humans – and our first expression came out of a desire to be more, to create some kind of ‘exciting experience’ that led this one part of the whole to separate from the rest of the whole. There, ‘the whole’ became ‘two’ and what happened with these two is that they saw themselves as different entities. They could not recognize that what they were seeing was themselves as well, because they could not see themselves…. They believed they were ‘different’ and so judged themselves as that. Bam! That’s the first moment of separation and what emerged from there was the definition of ‘who the other one is’ – a judgment which, for this case, can be basically any word used to ‘define’ what the other one is or isn’t.

Part of this cookie-dough analogy entails also considering that we as the beings and expressions that ‘came out of’ the cookie dough in itself, created these cookie-cutters as words, expressions that could encompass, hold or contain a part of that cookie dough that became a meaning in itself, an ‘identifiable’ expression, a thing, an action, a part of this ‘wholeness’ in order to be able to grasp it, to name it, to comprehend it, to communicate and so to live or do those words that we defined and created. Matter as life itself as the ‘cookie dough’ got cut in multiple ways that we defined through our minds, through the cookie-cutters that we forged or shaped ourselves.

To me this has been the way to realize how words became double-edged swords. They became both the tools and at the same time the ‘weapons,’ they could be used for virtually any purpose that we would define and decide them to be. That’s how as it is said ‘words are innocent’ and it is us that have defined how they are lived.

The world we are living reveals the nature of who we became as the forgers of these cookie-cutters, the way that we defined life expressions beginning with how we formed opinions and judgments as the way that we relate to each other from the primordial times of the emergence of life as we know it. We started defining, naming, judging and with that entirely consecrating the division of ‘who we are’ as seemingly completely separate individuals that ‘in no way’ could ‘ever’ be in fact one and equal…. Because we created an experience of disliking ‘the other,’ we judged ‘the other’ as inferior, as not good enough, as bad, as ‘the worst’ – or we went to the opposite realm of ‘desiring what the other had’ – at least as we believed it to be. In any case, words have been used to solidify our separation, both towards others but also within ourselves.

To me this has been an essential realization to understand the importance of being very specific in how I word myself, and how this ‘Me’ that I conceptualize as my story, as who I am and how I relate to others is in fact one expression of the whole that I have separated myself from. It’s essential for me to remind myself how we’ve gotten ‘very lost’ forgetting that we are in fact all equal and one, we are made of the same life, we are just existing in a multiplicity of forms and ways to the point that we’ve forgotten where we come from.

It of course now seems a bit naïve for me to even look at the possibility of us being able to realize this ‘today’ and live in fact ‘together as one’ as some songs have dreamed of. It is worth considering this, but I am quite realistic about the situation we are living in at the moment in our world and what I see is the prominent polarization, extremism and confrontation of all of the innumerable ways we have separated ourselves from through these very judgments, opinions and definitions that ‘separate us’ or ‘identify us’ in separation from others.

We are seeing the inevitable conflicts, confrontations, wars and constant tension and fighting that is being created now as we face all of those judgments, ideas, beliefs, perceptions we have held towards one another throughout the entirety of our existence. In essence it is a relevant thing for me to remind myself that we may have different shapes and colors on top, but we are essentially all made of the same dough, of the same life, we have just separated ourselves from each other in all these various forms to the point where we’ve forgotten that we are in fact ‘one and equal.’

Why do I find it useful to remind myself of this in times like today? I keep track of the global events mostly at a political and social level – and what’s currently visible is how the differences that we can see ‘on the surface’ are more prevalent than ever today and causing a serial form of ‘outrage’ in everyone without a second thought to even consider what I just explained above. It baffles me how bad things can get when people get defined with their cookie-cutter shape and forget the essence of who we all are as life, as humans in this case. I realize how we have wrongly ‘empowered’ ourselves through words, not using them to flourish and give birth to life – as we practice with Living Words – but how we have used them to do the opposite, to destroy life in all forms and ways. This is our current truth, and we can change it, but takes self-work to do that.

Sure some might consider that we’ve been always on war, always killing each other, always separating ourselves according to races, political ideologies, genders, sexual and any other form of preferences, religions, etc. However! Not many are aware of or could conceive that all of those identity labels are opinions, are judgments and they will eventually have to be realized as such to stop this seemingly endless charade. Sure, it might not take a few generations only, but it needs to start right here, right now because the process is in motion and it’s here to stay, no matter how long it takes.

Process is precisely that decision that life itself has taken in its utmost expression to no longer accept and allow separation, to bring through the expression of life itself in a way that is self-supportive no longer bound to ways, systems and forms that are meant to control – in the negative connotation of the word – life. Control is not something bad in itself though, as a word it is useful, for example we have to have control of our bodies to function properly. I see it more as a direction that we take on, but currently, we are just playing out the ‘play’ of separation, of deception, of conflict, of essentially perceiving ‘the others’ as separate from ourselves. That is a form of control that is perpetuated through judgment. And it is not only ‘externalized’ towards others, but it exists within ourselves, and it’s been there from the very moment of our primordial separation… that’s how far ‘mind control’ goes in fact.  

We have allowed ourselves to make it normal to judge ourselves by our character – the ways and personalities we have or don’t’ have – and our bodies, in terms of the shapes, forms, colors it may have and we make of it a ‘big deal’ to concern us about that, in terms of how we believe ‘others will see us’ and how they will judge us.

word

n   noun: a single distinct meaningful element of speech or writing, used to form sentences with others.

 

judgement (also judgment)

n   noun: the ability to make considered decisions or form sensible opinions. Øan opinion or conclusion.

 

 

 

 

Emitting a judgment is then not a ‘bad’ thing per se, but it is so that currently based on our – for the most part – lack of proper education or lack of awareness on these basic principles of how we are in fact one and equal, we have come to disregard the life that we are in all its forms and how we relate to everything-else-that-is-ourselves-too in ways that are for the most part degrading, inferiorizing, deprecating, and the list goes on. In essence, we haven’t learned or weren’t taught How to LIVE words that are supportive, that nurture one’s life, that consider the life of others-that-are-me-as-well in the same way, because… we just conveniently ‘forgot’ who we really are as one and equal, as a whole that is an expression of Life itself. It is seemingly ‘easier’ to fight wars than work on an inner-process to create self-responsibility and honor the life that we are equal-to-each-other.

I know this is nothing new, it’s been written in many sacred books in various ways and in different philosophies throughout time, but strangely so, it has remained as some kind of ‘unified theory’ and holistic view of life that appears to be ‘way out there’ and has not been made practical, feasible and realistically doable – dare I say until now. This has created a seemingly ‘comfortable separation’ between all of those wise words pronounced by various philosophers, thinkers or prophets throughout history, and we’ve caged them into books of ‘religious doctrines’ or ‘quack theories’ that we have relegated to oblivion, but never really learned how to make the whole set of wise words and advices something practical.

Why am I so passionate to always go back to this ‘beginning of existence’ type of topics? Because this is something that I somehow ‘knew’ as a little girl and got confirmed of it through studying the Eqafe.com audios that explain the history of existence, all the material at Desteni, Heaven’s Journey To Life (read at least the 100 first posts that describe all aspects on this topic) and everything that Bernard Poolman shared to the public, which is not a ‘light read’ but by life itself, it’s been the one source of understanding that I am again eternally grateful to be aware of because as I was saying, it was soothing for me to know that that which I felt or acted on at some level was in fact a reality.

As a child I had some ‘weird’ ways of being such as not wanting to hit things because I considered they could feel as well, I wasn’t ‘mean’ to other people or thought bad about them because I cared about other children by imagining what it would be to be ‘them’ as well. I would get very sad and depressed as a child upon seeing that some children would not behave that way towards me… and starting to recognize evil in humanity and so how it played out in reality became a source of existential anguish that I tried to understand for many years by deliberately creating my own forms of ‘understanding’ what led people to act and behave in certain ways, including myself eventually as I reached my teenage years and I saw myself creating desires that I wanted to fulfill and would clash in an explosive manner with my parents. Yet, I wanted to know ‘why’ we were all so lost, so hopeless and helpless…. And yes I went through several routes as philosophies, books, spiritualties and religions until I essentially stopped on my tracks when I got to listen to the Desteni message on January 30th 2008, a memorable date in my life that would forever change who I am, for the best.

The message of oneness and equality, as ‘euphemistic’ and ‘ethereal’ it may sound, to me it means the comprehension of who I am as part of this world, why I am here and what we are doing in this process is precisely to turn the tables from the mess we’ve made of ourselves – consequently of life itself – and to direct ourselves, to deliberately change our ways so that we can become ‘whole’ again. This doesn’t mean or imply that everyone will be holding hands as we run through the fields in an everlasting happiness…. This means simply being able to be a human being that considers that it IS possible to be the best that you can in whatever you do and wherever you are and with whomever you are around and from that, if everyone lives this: we go in fact shaping the new forms of living, the new expressions, using the words that express life itself, that expresses that ‘best version of ourselves’ that we know we currently aren’t, yet we know the potential is here, because we all can see what is currently very wrong in our world or at least the aspects that are causing conflicts and what everyone would want in order for all of us to live at a relative and acceptable peace.

It’s all the judgments, the imposition of opinions through charged adjectives that we believe ‘we are’ that separates us. This is a very ‘simplistic’ way of putting it, but it is in fact so… it is so that it is THAT silly to realize what we are in fact fighting and killing ourselves for something that exists merely in our minds as words made judgments, turned into weapons and deprecating words.

Is it difficult to live this realization? It is at times hard to see people getting lost in all sorts of separation and division – all words that lead to actions that perpetuate this separation. It baffles me, but now I create an understanding about it so as to remind myself in a simple moment of all of this that I’ve realized and understood throughout the years, so that I no longer get angry or sad about it. I also slip out of myself at times and get into the realm of separation through opinions, judgments, fears, ideas I create about others and that I speak and act on.  And at the same time, I’ve learned to not judge myself for it, because I know how deep this ‘conditioning’ goes, I am aware this has become the most ingrained way to ‘be’, that’s how it takes a deliberate decision to recognize any mistake or fall and from there to deliberately decide to correct myself in relation to it, to change myself and ‘my ways’ to become a more life-encompassing being.

Encompassing is a cool word as I see it, it embraces, it holds, it contains the whole, it also contains the word ‘compass’ as a direction that I can consider every time that I get lost in separation. It also sounds like compassion which I’ve also recently decided to redefine as a consideration, an understanding, and so this is also pertinent to remind myself whenever I get ‘lost in my ways’ essentially. To consider the whole, to put it simply.

The first time that I heard the series ‘The Secret History of the Universe’ it was like a revelation I have been waiting to understand, it was like a ‘Eureka’ moment for me, and from there it was like taking a soothing aid for my soul so to speak, I’m not even joking about this. I bring through to my awareness the essential aspects that I got from listening to this series in order to remind myself of who we really are and where we are going – I do this whenever I seem to get ‘lost in the mind’ and in certain experience. I especially do this whenever I read the multiple forms of judgments, bullying, calling names, complaining, blaming and the list goes on of words and declarations going on in our world through media and social media today. It too is part of revealing ourselves to each other, I remind myself that we have to bring through the common sense through it, but I also realize that it will take time for the mess to be sorted out, because we are currently in the ‘explosive’ face so to speak. It’s not a happy ride, but it’s a necessary phase, this is the real face of the revelation, the apocalypse as many called it. This is it! Seeing our truth through our words, thoughts and deeds.

This process is the only way with which I’ve been able to ‘soothe my existential pain’ and the series I mentioned above was one of the reasons for it, so I recommend it as an essential part of one’s self.-awareness process. I even suggest making notes, perhaps little drawings that assist in understanding it. I decided to make a photo back then to point out the obvious and what seemed like a very big ‘duh!’ moment for me J

Enjoy this and many other series on Eqafe currently available through the amazing opportunity that the Eqafe Unlimited  plan brings… as I always say, it will change your life if you dare to live the realizations you get from all the material there.

That’s it! Enjoy these audios that speak of the specific moments that got me to have this ‘Eureka’ moment:


Separation is just a concept

 

Join in if you want to start walking your own process of defining your Self-Honesty


579. The Awkwardness of Change

Or facing ‘awkwardness’ as a result of having judged everything that I am now testing to integrate in my life – joke is on me! Lol

One thing  that is constant within a process of change is adapting to the ‘new version of me’ where it’s kind of like making space for ‘the new’ to be created in my life and this can range from changing perspectives to changing habits, behaviors, ways of looking at things, ways of perceiving reality, ways of interacting with others, ways in which I decide to experience myself… and one thing that I had kind of forgotten about is the initial ‘discomfort’ or ‘awkwardness’ that emerges within oneself when one is first deciding to change something or implement something ‘new’ in our lives.

I was talking to someone that I support in their own process of self-change today and it reminded me a lot of how I used to go through the same kind of judgments that he’s going through when it comes to identifying the points of change and even while considering what words it would take him to live to change such old habits into the new version of himself – that he actually wants to express and live as – he starts feeling somewhat ‘fake’ in doing so, not ‘authentic’ and I can relate a lot to that, especially with some of us people that have ‘engraved’ our personalities as these ultimate and unchangeable statements of ‘who we are’ and believing ‘we should and cannot change those parts of ourselves, no matter how constructive the reason might be, which of course becomes the most limiting thing to ever hold on to.

This reminded me of the saying ‘fake it till you make it’ which was a somewhat common thing to read and hear at the beginning of my process of understanding who I am as my mind and so taking on the process of self-change, but I never really understood it when it came to ‘faking something,’ but today it became a lot clearer how there is definitely this ‘transitional phase’ where one has to actually step out of the old and into the new and that leap that one decides to take on isn’t at all a ‘walk in the park’ for many, and I guess it all depends on many variables and individual contexts, but I certainly can share about my own.

I had tended to judge anything that was too positive, too bright, too ‘shiny and happy’ so to speak as something that was unrealistic, something fake, something that was covering up the ‘deep ugly truth’ behind the shiny façade and so I lived in this kind of judgment for most of my life actually, essentially creating a set of ‘immovable’ judgments towards anything that I decided was not ‘real’ and was ‘too good to be true’ apparently, which led me to then of course create – accept and allow – the exact opposite as ‘who I am’ and how I decide to think, be, live and interact with in relation to myself, the way I would think and perceive things, the relationships I’d create and the kind of personalities, words, thoughts, experiences I’d develop as ‘who I am’ in general.

When I made a clearer decision to actually start changing this very ingrained personality and starting to take those first steps out of the ‘old’ as all that comfort in gloominess personality in me and starting to embrace or integrate a more joyful, affable, open or happy way of being and expressing, I completely felt like a fake, because! I was experiencing the judgments that I had created and imposed towards everything that I had in fact denied myself to be, live and experience as ‘who I am,’ even if that meant having actually a more settled, grounded, enjoyable life and expression – instead of living in constant judgment and denial of that which I discovered I genuinely enjoy!

It felt so awkward to in essence open up myself to ‘the joy of life and living’ so to speak, which by the way didn’t happen that ‘long ago’ to be honest, even if I had been very busy with suggesting ways to create a change in the world, deep down within myself I was still sort of refusing to give up my own gloom and doom, which was in turn reflected in the very detail of how I would approach – read judge – anything that seemed too happy, too joyful, too ‘lively’, too colorful even – and oh boy am I facing this last one currently lol – and what ended up happening is that I became subject to my own judgments when I decided to stop this character/personality in me and bit by bit, slowly but surely start shedding this ‘past’ personality within me that was existing in a denial and continuous judgment to the actual potential and expansion that life can be lived in.

Why was that? In a way I had created a false sense of comfort – just like any other personality – in things not ever going ‘that quite right’ and so always having something to worry about, something to be emotional about… which becomes another energy-addiction where I was criticizing ‘positive thinkers’ for example, without realizing I was living exactly the same way but in its polarity in fact. That’s also how I realized that as much as I was apparently criticizing others for being ‘into the light and love’ I was in fact doing the exact same just in the opposite end, not that it meant ‘hatred and darkness’ in such ‘opposite way’ lol, but close enough to seeing everything as futile, without solutions, believing that life was never ever meant to be ‘lived happily’ but simply made ‘justice’ of and even if I knew this potential of living a ‘good and happy  life’ is common sense – and is what most people aspired to, including myself at a theoretical level – I could not even fathom myself and my actual happiness or how that could be genuinely lived because I was existing in so many judgments and denial of such possibility in my life that even in moments where I was in environments where it was genuinely a supportive environment all around, I didn’t feel ‘quite right’ in it all, it felt ‘too awkward’ lol, because of it being ‘too good, too positive’ for me at that stage in my life, which meant I had to face some more years of self-denial until I decided to step out of my gloomy cocoon for once and for all – or being in the continuous process of doing this in my case.

Well, what I had to do is to actually walk through and debunk all of my judgments towards all of these living potentials that surely can be identified as ‘positive’ but that’s also another point. I decided to no longer see them as ‘positive,’ as an experience only, but rather look into the substance, the expression that I decide to live and express because I see this is what’s actually best for me and so for everyone else – instead of holding myself back or ‘down’ based on a personality that I actually had quite a bit of a ‘hold’ to, based on what I believed ‘I should be like’ which yes, would still be very rigid and ‘unchangeable’ in spite of me agreeing with certain notions of what would be an actual happy, free and loving world… I still deep down within me denied those same things to be experienced in my life…. Until fairly recently.

So! In my discussion with this guy, I realized how I had gone through the exact same ‘awkwardness’ of embracing this ‘new me’ and actually still am because I’m kind of shedding an old skin here and it’s definitely a day by day process of identifying the judgment and walking through it practically.

A point where I’m facing this the most for example is embracing colorfulness and ‘bright lights’ when it comes to painting, I cannot describe how ingrained it is within me to tend to end up darkening everything to the point of barely being able to see a thing… I’ve been ‘struggling’ with that a bit but I know exactly what those thoughts are when it comes to placing some thick layer of pure – unobscured color – such as: ‘that’s too bright, that’s too colorful, shade it down, it’s too lively, that wouldn’t be you!’ and this last bit right here: ‘that wouldn’t be you!’ is the one point that kicks me back into my judgmental ass and in a moment there I am, again going for the darker tones….. only to then now having to be adding light as a way to step out of my pattern again, and it’s not the ‘best result’ either according to my yes ‘current’ judgment, but I see it as a way to go breaking through and also learning what happens when I follow those thoughts of ‘oh that would not be you!’ or ‘that’s too bright/too happy!’ and actually go daring more with stepping out of my old patterns. It becomes awkward, because of all those judgments rushing back at me… lol, hence ‘the joke is on me’ because I never thought of myself being doing that which I had almost ‘resigned’ to ever do again.

It does feel at times like cringing inside myself whenever I’ve had to go implementing these sort of changes in various areas of my life, I’ve felt fake, felt ‘not me’, felt like I was being a ‘hypocrite’ because I was then now trying to be and express that which I had always judged as ‘too fake, too happy, too positive, too good to be true’ but! It’s actually quite cool and ‘the place to be in’ when it comes to actually changing, because I’m facing the totality of myself, my creation as my judgments and having to walk through them in order to now give myself the creative authority and freedom to be, live and express the way that I see is ‘here’ as myself, that I want to now live and develop as my expression.

This example can be expanded to anything else where changing becomes an experience of ‘doing things out of character’ which yes! It is exactly what it is all about, it is about shedding the old and into the new, while being aware that yes, there is that phase of adaptation, of shedding, of trying new things, testing out ways, finding what ‘works’ for us in many ways, that is a process, for sure. Yet this is already a doing, taking a step forward, a decision to ‘step into the unknown’ which to many of us might seem ‘too risky’ or ‘too uncertain’ but, something is quite clear to me by now: we have to give ourselves that power/ability to reinvent ourselves, and this is precisely what I’ve found supportive to remind myself of whenever I get this ‘awkwardness’ within changing these aspects within and without of me.

The ‘awkwardness’ is nothing else but the result of my own judgments staring back at me, I see my own mirror/my-error of what I built, created and participated on before when believing that I had the right to judge, to criticize and diminish anything that I defined as ‘wrong’ essentially – still a morality point – and it’s quite ludicrous because I was actually imposing this to what life is about currently for me – of course considering its ‘ups and downs’ – but I’ve learned to also focus on the potentials, the enjoyment, the growth, the expansion, taking risks, taking opportunities… I guess I’ve been writing a lot about this kind of stuff as of late,  but that’s what I’m set on and can only share about the bits of discomforts experienced in doing so, embracing the ‘newness’ so to speak and letting go of my judgment to it all as ‘too good to be true’ or ‘too fake’ because we decide who we are in what we express, we give ourselves the authority/authorship in what we create and who we are within it.

That’s the key within this all as well; it’s not so much about ‘what’ we do but WHO we are within it. Ultimately it’s not really about colors or brightness, lightness or darkness, it’s about what we decide to express as ourselves, without judgments, but purely through the physical expression and in whichever form, shape or color this comes through. That’s how I’m currently facing the process of going to the ‘extremes’ and testing my ground in it, lol, which is kind of fun when looking back at it but I surely have faced times of ‘this isn’t working at all’ but don’t get to that point of giving up on it any longer, I just recognize this ‘awkward and uncomfortable experience’ for what it is: a transitional experience while I go practicing, testing out, weaving this new me for now… I mean who knows how many ‘new me’s’ I’ll ever create! Reinvention is quite a relevant word for me these days and it’s not so ‘easy’ for someone like me that lived through judgment/as judgment towards myself, anything and everyone. So, yep, I’m where I’m supposed to be to ‘face my music’ and stand up from it.

I’ll share back how it goes but so far, have had to stop my own train of thoughts according to some of the paintings I’ve done and their nature, and their purpose and instead, give myself the opportunity to rather decide ‘who I am’ in it and the expression within me while creating an image, rather than being defined by the shape of the image itself – not entirely easy at first but, getting there and I’ve discovered this is actually the me that I want to live and express, the one that steps out of ‘my own mold’ into something new… it becomes a bit more of an adventure to live this way as well.

Ms. Reformed gloominess signs out.

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


576. Facing the Self-Created Delusions

 

Or how everything that I judged, thought and created as an experience towards art came back to haunt me.  

I’ve been busy these past weeks/months rekindling my relationship with art. It is a relationship at at the moment because – as I’ve shared before – it became a source of many judgments, opinions, beliefs about who I am in relation to it, which means I ended up creating a bunch of experiences ‘towards it’ and identifying that as my posture within doing art or towards art in general – but interestingly enough, I stopped seeing myself as my art because of how I started imposing my experience towards it – as judgments, beliefs, opinions, emotions – instead of focusing on simply doing it and working with the physical outcome of it.

And this also reminds me that even if I give myself the authority and ‘green light’ to create something, I will invariably also confront all the past baggage and sort it out in the process, can’t have a clean slate by itself, I have to actually do the ‘cleaning’ process which is what I’ll share here.

I consider that making this difference is a primary point here because we tend to create an ‘experience’ towards something or someone and lose that objective view on things and start romanticizing them, just like we do with anything in our minds through energetic experiences that we end up being controlled and driven by in our lives, making decisions based on an experience, rather than objectively and consciously looking at something, assessing and then making a decision.

What I’ve been realizing is that I am facing all of that clutter of experiences, judgments, opinions, comparisons, insecurities and self-doubt that I imprinted onto ‘art creation’ over the last years, which wasn’t necessarily always the case. I started doing art as a response to wanting to express and do something for and by myself that I could solely enjoy for the visual aspect of it. I’ve called myself a ‘reformed visual vicious’ because I did get to a point of turning everything into something I could fixate on and create an experience towards, be it related to beauty or astonishment which is again me creating a relationship, an experience towards things instead of embracing what I would see as myself – take it in and breathe it out so to speak – but instead, I developed a form of romance with art which became eventually a love hate relationship where as some song goes, to ‘hate’ something you first had to ‘love’ it and love in this context wasn’t a living expression of myself towards myself at the time, but glorifying something external to myself through which I could find a sense and meaning to my life, which I now don’t really seek to find one because #IMatter, so I am the meaning of whatever it is that I am living, doing and placing my effort on.

Within seeking to do something ‘meaningful to life’ and others’ lives specifically, I disregarded myself in my own self-creation process – this became obvious in the kind of relationships I created over the years, how I placed myself in at ‘at your service’ type of stance to anything that sounded good to me and in that, well if I would have continued, a strong sense of ‘losing myself’ would have continued emerging from it. I distanced myself from doing that which in fact was challenging myself the most and that is art creation, because I linked it to self-creation and because I linked it to this whole process of transformation of who I am where my points of view have dramatically changed over the years about virtually everything, going into an extremism of sorts where my absolutism led me to the ultimate limitation: “you can’t do anything that is for your own pleasure and visual viciousness, you have to do something meaningful to life.”

But, who told me this? No one else but myself, I created my own standards and limitations, I created my own ideas of what was more ‘noble’ to do in this world according to the idea of getting to create a substantial change in this world, but how could I if the expression underlying that attempt was one of self-limitation, martyrdom, self-sacrifice, denial of what is it that I truly want to be and express? It is the truth of it really, how can I attempt to be an example to the world of what living ‘freedom’ is if all I’m trying to do is impose my principles and views on others while living in a continuous self-limitation within myself?

And that’s what I’ve been facing currently in the practical day to day process of painting. I am the creator, I have the creative ability as anyone else in this world and I set the limits, I set the boundaries, I define the shapes, the forms, the colors, the subject, the meaning, all of it – and that to me has become in my head quite a challenge in fact, which culminated in the past days going through a physical experience of pain and headaches because of all these ideas, beliefs, perceptions, judgments and opinions about what I’m doing in art again and in essence, facing my-self-creation: facing all of these reactions that I imposed into something that is part of our reality as ‘art’ and confronting myself with my self-created limitations and fears while doing it.

Well, this is the real challenge to me, to go beyond the conditionings I’ve imposed to myself in something that used to be ‘so free and careless’ to me as an experience, it was ‘my point of liberation’ yet I turned it into a masochistic experience over the years to the point of not wanting to do anything with it and now having to ‘take the dive again’ into the same pool and face the process of creating or recreating myself as these words that art used to be for myself: enjoyment, liberation, carelessness, a sense of freedom and authority to decide an outcome, a final result of something.

I ended up turning that into an uncomfortable ‘limitless’ set of possibilities. I am being challenged out of my very ‘squared’ way of living actually, where I can be a very efficient and structured oriented person when there’s a beginning and an end to a task and project that can be gauged and ‘mathematically measured’ as finished, as complete… but! I am definitely challenged when it comes to having no limits, no boundaries and having to actually push through my own fears within this notion of reinventing myself in it.

So, this is more of a realization of that ‘crisis’ that comes when we have resisted to do something for so long because of all of the reactions we had imprinted onto it and finally decide to walk through it. I don’t have a problem to get myself to ‘do something,’ but being satisfied with what I do is a whole different thing and that’s what I want to focus on here, because I have the determination, I am creating the discipline to incorporate painting – at the moment – as part of my day to day, except for this week where I’ve been mostly reflecting on all of these points, which has resulted in spending more time in my head than actually doing anything about it. But, I won’t criticize this either, because I’ve been writing and speaking with other people about this creative process which kind of opened up perspectives in me to not judge this ‘stage’ that I’m facing, to understand it as part of the process in itself and also, to practically start redirecting myself in every moment that I see there’s this limitation or ‘idea’ of what I should be doing creeping in and instead test out ways, find my way of expressing myself, without creating ideas, beliefs, perceptions of ‘what it has to be.’

 

I had postponed the decision to actually get to paint for months to the point where I had these lined up white canvasses in front of me without actually moving myself to make the necessary space in the place that is now my ‘workspace’ for painting and get myself in motion.

So now I’m ‘in motion’ but that was the easy part it seems… To me what has become the most challenging is the ‘who I am’ in it where a lot of doubts, uncertainties, ideas, beliefs come up in me about what looks fine and what doesn’t, what I’d like to express – but at the same time considering the painting as something that someone else will buy according to their taste and hang on their wall as something they will be having around and part of their living pace.

I consider that part of the reasons why I had decided to give up art before is because of the plethora of ‘uncomfortable places’ I found myself in while doing anything related to it, thinking more about how others will see it and then using that as a way to limit myself though projecting ideas, beliefs of how it’s going to look at the eyes of others – potential buyers of it – and if it will be ‘good enough’ for them.

Essentially what has been coming up these past days is a fear of failure, fear that no one will like them and so ending up with a stack of stuff that no one will ever pay something for. And this is then the right place to be at within my process, where there is no finite way to measure what’s ‘good or bad’, where there is only an expression that I can be satisfied with or not and getting to know such ‘zone’ within me which, I understand is existing in me, it is there as a potential but here comes also the second layer of what has been creating a sort of ‘cloud’ over my head.

I stopped doing art for several years. It used to be my ‘daily bread’ for a part of my life and then I started judging it in all possible ways as meaningless, as purposeless, as a waste of time, and in that I justified stopping doing anything related to it for quite some time, even though it always remained there in the back of my head. And this has made me in a way be regretting those decisions. These past days I’ve been in somewhat of a ‘lost zone’ within me because of being thinking too much about all the opportunities I once had in front of me related to art and I denied it all, I said ‘no thank you’ and turned my back to it, completely and in quite a righteous stance I must say. And within that, I became all the thoughts that I created towards art, only to now be in the process of having to forgive myself for all those limitations I created towards it and also letting go of ‘all that could have been’ ideas in relation to it and how I ‘think’ that I could have developed myself if I had not given up on myself in art for some time.

What comes up mostly is the perceived ‘lost time’ and this is the idea that has been running around in my head, which is now creating a sense of having to ‘rush’ to practice, to get things done now in a way trying to ‘make up for’ the past, for the ‘wrong decisions’ I believe I made, not only in relation to arts but other contexts in my life like relationships or mistakes that I’ve made for not having sufficient precaution and consideration, as well as an outflow of procrastination in relation to my professional status which I am now on the way to take responsibility for and close those ‘holes’ that I’ve left behind me.

So, within participating in all of these thoughts – which are also fueled by the lack of money, fear of not making money, fear of not ‘making sufficient money’ – I’ve caused myself quite a strain in my body these days more noticeably so, fueled by also comparing myself to what I am aware my fellow peers in art school are accomplishing in their lives and in a way seeing myself as ‘having lost my track’ or even ‘having lost my mojo’ so to speak when it comes to creativity, and in essence, being a bit too exigent on myself expecting certain outcomes or results ‘already,’ considering that with arts- and with anything really – one has to practice to get to a point of satisfaction and eventual mastery, and it is kind of obvious that if I didn’t practice for such a long time and completely disconnected from it,  it’ll take some time for me to ‘get back on track’ and develop myself with it, which means I have to change my current approach stemming from fears, judgments, limitations, regret and in a way yes even if subtle frustration that if I would continue to allow as ‘my experience’ would lead me to ‘give up’ because that’s apparently the easy way out in our minds, which I am aware I won’t do as a conscious decision, but still, I lay out that potential outflow if I don’t actually take a self-responsible action in what I am experiencing.

So this takes me to seeing ‘who am I’ when I am in front of a canvas to paint? All that exists is the idea of having to do something that can be liked by others and this is the challenging spot for me, where I can create a balance between expressing myself, representing myself while also at the same time considering others without going into the point of compromise. And to understand where and how I would compromise myself in something as ‘subjective’ for a lack of a better word as art is not an easy task, but I am willing to find my way in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret the choices I made in my life before in having created a load of judgments about art in order to justify stopping doing anything related to it instead of seeing that at the time that’s who I was, that’s where I was in my life and that even if I could ‘go back in time,’ I would still be ‘me’ at the time making those decisions that I was quite certain of at the moment. Therefore this is where I have to own my creation, to see nothing and no one as the ‘culprit’ for me desisting on this creative path but myself and so that means I can place myself back on track on it as I can now decide to test out this route and see how I can develop myself on it and so continuing to see what I learn and discover of myself that I had ‘given up’ to before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be deciding to create art from a starting point of fearing failing, fear of survival where then all that becomes is me living as ‘fear of survival’ while painting or doing anything related to arts within which I create a pressure in me that eventually takes a toll on my body and gets to the point where it becomes unbearable to do anything, because my head and body physically gets drained every time that I am seeing through the eyes of fear at what I’m about to create or in the process of creating, therefore

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live trust, consideration and patience within the process of creating something new, where I am instead trying to ‘achieve’ something in a short period of time within a starting point of ‘need to produce more and more’ and in that, not seeing that who I am and what my expression itself is existing as is fear of failure, fear of not having these pieces being liked and bought and therefore having other fears in the background having to do with survival and sorting out other consequences that I’ve also created in my life and that I have to attend as well.

I realize that existing in that ‘survival’ mode while creating something won’t lead me anywhere but creating further stress and pressure on my body, which I actually need to be at ease and in an equilibrium in order to create.

I also consider that I have contaminated my expression a lot based on adding this dimension of ‘potentially selling’ something where I haven’t equalized myself to that possibility and outflow of creating art and instead, have turned it into this murky experience that I believe I have to be at all times considering in order to satisfy a potential buyer’s taste.

If I look back at how I started doing art – and the reason why I also decided to go back to it – is because It was one of the points I took on for myself as a decision I made and lived up to the point of choosing it to be my career, which I then regretted, which I now not regret, and this is the kind of ‘change of mind’ that in my mind and system seems unreliable, untrustworthy, believing I ‘cannot change my mind about something like that, I moved on and that means moving on!’ but I have had to also face the absolutist in me and be humble enough to ‘eat my words’ and rather understand them within the timeframe and context I was in.

It is quite interesting though how righteousness veiled my stance towards arts, believing that what I was thinking, judging and creating as opinions within me were ‘right’ and ‘justified’ and it only makes sense that now I am facing my own ‘bullets firing back at me’ so, yep! I did it to myself and it’s a great way for me to realize what owning one’s creation is, it’s nothing glorious but sometimes it will be as uncomfortable as what I am describing here.

So, how I see it is that unless I clear my relationship with art in all the minute reactions that come up as I am doing it, I’ll continue compounding this experience within me, because as with anything: we are the words that we live, we become what we think, act or don’t act on – therefore if I am constantly churning these experiences of feeling inadequate, incompetent, out of practice, having ‘lost my mojo’ then I will only continue tampering the actual practical process it will take to get back on track within it again and see how I can develop myself currently in it.

I also have to make peace with the fact that yes, that time where I didn’t get to do anything related to art is the same as when one used to exercise every day and stops for several years and one suddenly wants to ‘get back at it,’ I cannot expect my body to respond exactly the same as it was when doing it on a constant basis and I’ve proven this to myself also with exercise even with two or three weeks of not getting to it, takes some time to ‘get back on track’ and readjust.

So, I consider that as much as I’ve been trying to get comfortable with starting over, painting over what I consider as ‘not good enough,’ I also have to stop trying to ‘achieve’ something ideal in my mind, because it only creates a pressure that then becomes a compounded reaction that gets to eventually become more of a physical pain to sort out that prevents me from painting or doing anything related to arts.

I also have to stop judging all of these points as petty points as well, considering how for many it would be a luxury to be dedicating myself to what I am now taking on again as a career path – however, can’t compare myself that way, nor try and compare myself with the idea of what I believe ‘I should be doing by now’ and instead be realistic and humble about the fact that as much as I may have had some practice before, at the moment it will require some time to develop the skills again, to rediscover them if anything through practice over time. I am aware I am dedicated, and I can spend time on it without a problem, so working on something is not the problem – this is about my self-expression and breaking through the multiple self-imposed barriers I’ve created in my mind towards or ‘within’ the creative act and finding the equilibrium to create something that I am satisfied with and at the same time becomes a source of income.

I have to also let go of the ideas of comparing my stuff with what I see some of my peers doing because I am quite aware that becomes also a recipe for disaster if I then create an idea of what ‘I should be doing’ instead of working with what’s here, what I can do, express and work on developing and be OK with the process it will take in this case to develop the skills, because that’s an actual practice that takes time and diligence to it.

What can be immediate though is me living words that are supportive like patience to develop a consistent practice yet not expect ‘excellent results’ right away or ‘master pieces’ type of ideas, because that becomes also an underlying pressure that I am trying to achieve which ends up causing more of a wreck within me than being of any support, therefore I have to Let Go of those ideals and even letting go of seeking that ultimate ‘good outcome’ that I believe I should be aspiring to create – because this becomes also something I am ‘thinking’ about in my head, instead of rather focusing directly on what’s in front of me to work with and express myself as, which is what I consider I haven’t fully aligned within me, all related to notions of ‘good enough’/ ‘not good enough’ and the subtle frustration that comes in me when realizing I’m not ‘fully being myself.’

Doing art is quite the perfect challenge for me to focus on, because there’s nothing else that triggers so many points for me to face by myself, alone, with my literal creation than this. I’ve tested various things and I’m usually ‘good’ at getting things done and taking responsibilities, doing tasks from a to b, but anything that exists within an actual ‘open possibility for anything’ it becomes a challenging task for me, as much as there is an enjoyment in it at the same time I end up clouding it with my ideas, expectations, beliefs, judgments that for sure then become ‘what I express’ in a very literal and visible manner.

One thing I’ve been more ok with is making mistakes. Before I would not dare to start over again or paint over something, I have been more accepting of that rather than giving up completely on it and not working on it for years as I’ve done before.

Also the point of ‘I matter’ works quite well for this process as well, where I have to yes, consider others, what the purpose of this creation is for, but at the same time to do it for myself, not ‘for others’ in my mind constantly or the ‘potentials’ for this or that creation – I have to first and foremost find out again what it is to express something that represents me, is me as who I currently am and I consider that with that, the rest becomes by default an easier point to approach, because then I am trusting myself in it/as it, which are cool words and platforms to start from.

The rest is entirely up to me, where I can translate these words in forms, ways, trying out things that I haven’t done before and be ok with taking those risks and experimenting and seeing ‘what comes out of it’ without trying to control such outcome in one way or another. I have to be fully embracing me in this and stop torturing myself with thoughts of ‘I should not have stopped doing this, I should not have left this behind, I should not have made that choice, I should not have listened to this/that commentary’ Because what’s done is done, and can’t turn back time, but can only work with what’s currently here in my reality from now on.

At the same time, I also have to be flexible and see what outcomes I create, where I don’t create an absolutism of ‘this is the only thing I’ll  fully dedicate myself to from now on’ and take on the absolutist stance in that and closing any other potential ways, doors that could open up as well. This is in a way also assisting in realizing that my whole life doesn’t ‘only’ depend on this, yet at the same time considering there is a potential to work on and be patient and diligent with it too, so that I can embrace myself, my creations and be more carefree with it as I used to be within it, which was the actual source of enjoying my expression in art, ‘boundless’ in a way and realm of possibilities this implies.

I am glad I am embarking myself on this path again, because as much as I ‘separated’ myself from it with a cloud of judgments, it is something that never ceased to be in the back of my head, I just denied it and judged it and told me ‘don’t go there,’ but why deny it any longer? I see how supportive it is to transcend these judgments and actually get to do what in a way has been a constant in my life, very present at times, some other times in the back of my head as a suppressed potential, and now I placed it back on the board for myself. I definitely have to also let go of the idea that I’ve wasted ‘precious years’ for it, because this is also not about ‘time’ entirely, but about what I decide to live and do in this moment and from now on, as myself, as my expression and not judge or compare myself within it based on ‘what I could have achieved by now’ in a parallel universe of having continued doing it without interruption.

So, that’s what I’ll be focusing on while also not creating an absolutism about it and being ‘only driven by’ certain desires to fulfill with it, but discover what it means to express myself as it/in it completely… and there’s only a way to find out: By actually doing it, not thinking of it.

I suggest checking out these audios on Eqafe.com that are assisting to see how we create this absolutism in our minds and establish ways to investigate where we are being one and so limiting ourselves in our creative authority and capacity:

My Life of Absolutism – Life Review

My Life of Absolutism (Part 2) – Life Review

Hitting a Wall

 

 The more I think

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


545. Living Adaptability

§  Continuing from: 530. The Secret Behind Attraction
and second part to 544. Being Inadaptable as Self-Limitation

 

I had an interesting dream after having written about this point of inadaptability which I explain in a nutshell in this vlog that I made today for context, but overall it was very cool for me to get some clarity of this point that I opened up yesterday about ‘inadaptability’ and seeing from another perspective what I was in fact accepting and allowing to exist within me but seen from another perspective.

Here I apply a suggested way to approach self-forgiveness which was shared in the following Eqafe.com interview:  Breakups: Problem-Solution-Change! – Atlanteans – Part 466 which is a great series and this approach for the solution is something I’ll test out from here on.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace reality as myself as where, through allowing judgments as liking or disliking a particular weather or a particular living set-up, I’ve allowed my judgments to create an obstacle in me being fully comfortable, grounded and enjoying my life and interaction with others regardless of ‘where’ I am located and what the weather conditions are or how the environment looks like.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word equality towards the physical environment I can be living in, wherein through allowing a belief such as “weather conditions can drain me and make me ‘lose my efficiency” I’ve been existing in a form of blame towards natural conditions that I’ve created a reaction to, instead of realizing that living this comfort and stability within me is not dependent on ‘the external factors’ or conditions, but it can only be lived through stopping the judgments I allowed myself to create towards heat for example or having fears towards particular animals, fearing having no access to basic resources wherein I believe that all of these factors place my life at risk – instead of seeing how I haven’t allowed myself to be expandable as in being grounded within myself wherever I am or can settle in and so focusing on living the word adaptability and flexibility when it comes to getting used to a particular environment and ensuring there are no judgments/separation towards it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word embrace towards the environments I’ve lived in that I’ve judged as having ‘extreme’ conditions or particular lacks or deficiencies, making my entire experience subject to the external factors, instead of realizing how I am the directive principle within myself and I decide what kind of experiences or judgments I turn into an actual  way to experience reality through my own acceptance and allowance – therefore I realize that living the word adaptability or being adaptable is the ability to embrace an environment as is, to not judge it, to not react to it based on preprogrammed reactions of my past that I have recreated and ‘rehashed’ in my current moment and making it ‘as the reality of who I am’ based on my own participation in it, wherein I haven’t allowed myself to be congruent in living the word Equality not only towards people, but also towards the physical environment, other beings that are non-human and all of its conditions in it that are also an extension of myself.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word flexibility whenever I have seen myself feeling appalled by a particular weather condition wherein there are ways to mitigate the outflows of extreme heat for example, yet while I was in those conditions I decided to get frustrated and feel ‘paralyzed’ instead of seeking solutions and stopping the irritation that I created within myself ‘towards the heat itself’ here

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to fully take responsibility for my own experiences as reactions created towards particular weather conditions, such as irritation, annoyance, discomfort and helplessness caused towards ‘heat’ which are entirely my own creation and I have the ability to decide to stop it all considering how much of a habit it has become in my life.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word disposition wherein I can be an ‘available matter’ to go, be or live in wherever environment I have to be at, wherein I’ve used the excuse of my reaction towards heat as a reason to not go to certain places, using the self-definition of having ‘aversion to heat’ as a reason to justify why I am not willing to embrace a particular environment and its weather condition – which is proof of how if I allow these judgments, beliefs and reactions towards reality, I cause myself a limitation, wherein I see that I can expand and be much more flexible and pliable if I let go of these charged memories of judging, disliking and being uncomfortable towards heat.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word humbleness in the context of being able to adapt to an environment that is not what I have conditioned to deem as ‘suitable’ or ‘perfect’ in terms of certain standards I’ve created throughout my life and within that, having allowed comparison to dictate my decisions of where to live, instead of making a practical assessment to see the reasons to go and live in a particular environment without making the weather factor, the cultural factor, the ‘people around the environment’ factor a reason to limit my ability to expand, learn and grow as a person in a new environment.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be tranquil and at peace and ease when experiencing myself in extreme weather conditions or new environments wherein I can require a process of adaptation, wherein I’ve allowed myself to go into desperation, helplessness, irritation, annoyance and ‘blaming the heat’ instead of rather learning to question who am I as these words that exist within me, as experiences that I create and pull out whenever I ‘feel’ extreme heat, therefore I commit myself to live self-awareness in my relationship to how I experience my physical body in higher temperatures specifically and make sure I can breathe and ground myself in my body and not allow myself to recreate the same old patterns around it.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to not yet fully live the word responsibility for my reactions which stem from my mind, not my physical body because my body has the ability to adapt along with any form of additional support such as being well hydrated in terms of extreme heat – therefore I stop the blame towards ‘heat’ and instead look back at myself and my memorized reactions I have to stop participating in.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word relax when going out and feeling the rays of the sun hitting on my face and all over my body, wherein my immediate reaction is that of discomfort, annoyance, cringing, wanting to ‘go back inside’ or only seeking the shadows – which of course in terms of a prolonged sun exposure it can be too much for the body and skin, but it is possible to still be under the sun and be ok within oneself, not participating in reactions considering that weather can be challenging and all human beings get to experience it in a physical manner the same way – but it is up to each one of us how we decide to live through it: embracing it or constantly fighting it – and I choose to live the word embrace in relation to heat and embracing the sun rays and sun light along with the necessary support for the body to be ok with extreme heat.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live humbleness in the context of being in environments or households that lacked basic services wherein I’ve allowed myself to go into fear of not being able to survive through that, instead of realizing that my fear and stress consumes and affects my body a lot more than the lack of certain basic services in a momentary manner.

Of course here also realizing how much we are depriving fellow beings from living to their utmost potential because of not having placed ourselves in their shoes to realize what billions have to endure when not having access to their basic resources, starting with food and water, and so in this, I also realize I haven’t placed myself in a point of equality to genuinely see that what I’m accepting to exist towards those billions is actually done all to myself as well and that nothing will in fact change if I continue simply fearing being in such precarious condition, instead of living resilience, an ability to adapt and keep going even if basic things we take for granted are suddenly not  available, yet of course continuing to create awareness of the need to sort out this problem for many more in the world.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to truly live the word equality towards animals, wherein I’ve still accepted fears and experiences of disgust towards them, perceiving some animals as intimidating or a cause of disruption of my environment, wherein I have in fact limited myself from really embracing them as life, as a part of who we all are and not seeing that I had existed in judgment towards them as something that I could only tolerate, but not fully embrace, instead of actually pushing myself to learn to embrace, which is to not judge, to not see through the filter of preferences, but to learn to see and live with them as an equal part of life that is here as myself.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word adaptability in relation to weather conditions, wherein I’ve conditioned my own ‘state of mind’ to be defined and influenced based on ‘weather conditions’ all the time – therefore allowing me to react to external conditions – instead of realizing I can decide who I am in every moment and not allowing a weather-condition to define me.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace the different kinds of weather and instead having gone to specify what is an enjoyable weather and what is not, which means that I’ve made myself subject to a how hot or cold an environment is to feel a particular way, an amount of clouds or lack thereof in the sky, the amount of wind or lack thereof there is, the presence or absence of rain, how ‘clear’ the air around is, how noisy or quiet the environment is, how dirty or clean my surroundings are – all of which I’ve defined as the experience of being inadaptable and generally ‘picky’ in my reality, which I am determined to instead live as the words embrace, humbleness, being forgiving and uncritical, non-judgmental which is the actual way to stop then placing my body under a ‘programmed’ stress that I then have blamed ‘heat’ to be the cause of, when in fact, it’s all self-created.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to challenge the learned and acquired patterns related to ‘reacting towards heat’ learned from others in my environment, wherein it becomes a righteous experience that goes unquestioned, instead of realizing that we always have the ability to choose to not get reactive and emotionally overwhelmed about something, but embracing it, especially with everything that has to do with conditions, factors and contexts that I have no ability to change, such as weather.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be flexible and pliable in relation to the process of adapting to a particular environment or set of weather conditions, instead of wanting to be controlling towards my environment which only results in a constant inner-fight wherein I do more damage to my very own physical body through the emotional experience than the weather condition I believe is making me ‘feel’ a certain way or causing certain damage in my body.

 

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word acceptance and embracing when it comes to reality and all of its factors wherein the moment I start judging, I start separating myself and so begin justifying a fight, a conflict towards a part of reality – being it a context or environment, people, animals, wherein I have to remind myself to live equality towards them and that implies no judgment, not acting out on judgments, not making decisions based on emotional experiences or judgments, but learn to be very practically-oriented when making decisions, ensuring I am clear in my ability to work through these reactions which are really not a big deal if living the word embrace and acceptance – I definitely have blown things out of proportion in my head and that’s another thing I have to stop within me as well.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word flow wherein I can breathe through any emergence of reactions towards the weather, but instead I have become so used to always having a comment about the weather and how bothered I am by it or how much I am enjoying it which then becomes a polarity I’ve kept alive within me as some form of ‘righteousness’ with which I have created consequences in my life, that I had overlooked or deemed as not-important – when in fact, every single aspect of who we are in everything we do represents and speaks a lot about ourselves and ‘who we are’ in relation to life.

So this is one of those things that I would not have gone and opened up by my own volition because it was an ingrained set of reactions I had normalized in my life and it’s only through looking at the word adaptability as a trait that I would like to live and develop, that all of this opened up for me to look at and have present within myself whenever the ‘same old’ experiences may want to come up again, which is the moment where I need to apply myself and in essence, stop fighting my reality in whichever sensation I can perceive it to be, it is ultimately just that, a perception.

 I commit myself to live the word challenge as in questioning myself and the righteous reactions I’ve created towards particular weather conditions, environments, cultures, livelihood set ups and instead be flexible, humble, considerate of others, be ‘flowy’ and adaptable wherever I get to be and live in or experience myself in, because it ultimately all depends on who I decide to be in every moment and live that decision as words to live.

So, this is a plan for me to keep awareness on and apply in my reality from here on.

Thanks for reading

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


517. Mirroring Judgments

Or self-forgiving the judgments that I have believe ‘others create’ towards me and discover: it’s always been me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate getting to write about the subject of ‘what will others say’ because of considering that then I will have to confront my own expectations, which is in fact what I have to do in order to walk through my own fears, expectations or experiences that I’ve created around the topic of ‘sharing’ myself about what I have defined as not ‘favorable’ or not a ‘positive outcome’ for myself – yet, I have to realize this is the way that I allowed myself to define it as a ‘negative outcome’ which is a negative charge I am deciding to imprint on it based on how I initially judged it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to prolong sharing something based on my own prejudices, ideas, beliefs about ‘being judged back’ or being perceived as a ‘failure’ in the outcome of my sharing, instead of realizing that all of that which I believe others will say, think or react like is in fact based on my own ideas, judgments that I am imposing onto myself based on my own beliefs, ideas and expectations of how I would have liked my life to go, what I consider would have been the ideal outcome and therefore upon seeing that this is not the case, I would prefer not to confront what I am defining as a ‘negative outcome’ which is a way in which I have also decided to judge the situation – therefore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the outcome of my creation in a negative way and consider myself a ‘failure’ for it based on the expectations I had placed on myself within it and who I was throughout it all – but here I have to make peace with the fact that not everything is ‘under my control’ and that not everything depended on my own actions or inactions to make something work as intended – therefore, being able to remind myself who I was from the beginning to end of a point of creation which is my point of self-honesty, instead of participating within my own projections and prejudices about supposed judgments that ‘others’ might say which are in fact the ways I judged myself for this outcome in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see me through what I believe are ‘the eyes of others’ as judgments, beliefs, expectations when in fact those eyes are my own eyes and in any case if there were any judgments, opinions and perceptions towards ‘me’, it would define the people that create such judgments which is something we rarely get to acknowledge whenever we judge: we do it to ourselves, not to ‘others’ – therefore, here I have to stop being my ‘own worst judge’ and ‘expecting the worst’ because this is only created in my own mind based on an idea, belief or perception that I wanted to ‘keep’ having about myself, when in fact in self-honesty, whatever I create or participate on doesn’t define ‘me’ but who I was throughout the whole point of creation, my starting point in it Is what’s relevant to look at for myself- which is my self-honesty to work with – and that’s something I can fully stand with and by for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to buy into the pattern of ‘caring too much about what others will say or think about me’ when I have even blamed this pattern to familiar influence but I realize that I made it my own, based on how I have been very quick to judge back as well and in this what I am looking at as a ‘fear of what others might say,’ is in fact my own creation based on how I have been the one that has participated in judging others about their life situations, life choices and decisions – never realizing that any opinion I might have created about ‘others’ lives’ is in fact defining me – not others –

Therefore, I take responsibility to now seeing how what I am creating in my own mind as ‘fear of what others might say’ is nothing else but my own capacity to be ‘too quick to judge’ and not looking back at myself as the origin of such judgment and how it defines ‘who I am’ in my mind – nothing and no one else.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed to for a moment hesitate on making a decision in my life because of ‘what others would say’ and placing more weight, value and importance on ‘others’ or ‘others’ ideas, perceptions or possible judgments’ instead of my own, which is still a point to look at when that became a major source of worry, concern, nervousness and even anxiety  instead of simply focusing on myself: my life, my decision, my process, my creation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be having in the back of my head the notion of ‘what will others think about me’ because of not having a ‘regular job’ that many people have in a particular ‘system’ position and in doing so, diminishing the work and responsibilities that I have in the belief that ‘others have no way of validating my work because it’s not in a ‘recognized by the system’ institution’ – which is in fact my own judgment, my own value that I have given to certain institutions or credentials which I then turn back at myself as the idea of ‘others judging myself for it’ – but in fact, this is all existent and coming from my own ways and methods in which I have allowed myself to ‘gauge’ people and ‘who they are’ within certain values in a system –this way, I only recreate a world where ‘brands’ and certain ‘names’ have different worth and value than others – just as an image as a ‘name’ or a ‘brand’ – instead of focusing on the actual substance, the actual worth and value for life that such ‘brand or name’ represents, which in my case I completely stand with what I do and how valuable this work is not only for me but for the rest of humanity as a whole, therefore I stop supporting and recreating ‘values’ within me according to ‘institutional system values.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project an outcome where people won’t take me seriously if they find out that there is one point in my life that I didn’t follow through ‘all the way to its end’ or to a ‘desired outcome’ and that it will drive my credibility, my own personal stance ‘down the drain’ when this is just a mind-bullying type of thought I am allowing within myself, because if it is one point in my life that I am judging myself for and allowing that to completely define the ‘totality’ of who I am, I am then demonstrating how I am the one absolutist that can also completely debase something or someone for ‘one single point’ and use that one point to define an entire person and who they are, which again it shows me that it’s not about ‘what others think or do’ but about my own judgments and what I then in turn do to myself when allowing me to ‘judge others’ with the same measuring stick so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as the person that cannot have proper relationships, not even if ‘trying’ hard for it at the eyes of friends or relatives, when in fact I am seeing that I’ve become my own worst judge when it comes to this topic, because of already fueling this point with several experiences, leading me to a ‘fear of failure’ and in that, creating my ultimate outcome within it which is having to end a particular relationship in order to demonstrate where and how I have not been entirely honest with myself in my starting point and my creation. This means, if my starting point is of fearing something, then the outcome is having to walk through that fear and end up on the other side seeing ‘hey I’m still here’ and realize the self-compromise that I caused to myself when accepting a point of fear in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to what I perceive relatives have to say about me and my life because of ‘knowing’ that they are ‘always very quick to judge’ – but even if were, this is about me being able to for once and for all stop giving too much attention to what others have to create as a judgment in their own minds, which means it defines who they are and how they perceive others, including myself – yet here I am focusing on how I can take responsibility for my OWN judgment towards other people perceiving them as judgmental, which makes me judgmental by default too – and that’s how I become the one origin and source of ‘fear of judgment’ all the way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear about what others have to say about my life, my decisions and choices, which are all based on memories where yes, I would get reprimanded and judged for my choices while growing up, but that is how things were ‘then’ based on my age and the lack of perspective I had which yes surely, got me through making some mistakes that I have been able to stand up from – and even those that I can still ‘repeat’, precisely through consequences I have been able to become aware of it so that I can consider them to stand corrected in it all as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged as a ‘failure’ by others, which is only how I am judging myself and this particular outcome as such, when in fact I can redefine it as a point of deciding to stand for what I truly honor and respect which is the life in myself and others, and how what might be perceived at others’ eyes as consciousness as a ‘failure’ I am aware of my decision, my parameters, my choices, where I stood in it all and the clarity in which I make my current life decisions – or when I don’t, and so own my creation.

Therefore here what I have to stop focusing on is on the notion of ‘judgments’ and instead focus on my own self-honesty: seeing what can I learn from my mistakes, what I can learn about my starting points for self-creation, where could I have done things differently, defining for me which were the points where I compromised myself, where would I have had to stand up and didn’t do so – and all of these are actually supportive things that even if one doesn’t get to create an ‘ideal’ outcome in one’s life, one can still learn from it, grow from it and continue walking the path of self-creation.

I realize how easy I have been ‘too quick to judge’ on many aspects and in this becoming dismissive and limiting, not only towards ‘others’ but towards myself and there is a whole lot of humbleness to be considered here.

Because what I am seeing is hiding behind all of this initial ‘fear of judgment’ is in fact the idea or notion that ‘I am supposed to know better’ and ‘I should have known better’ or ‘I don’t make mistakes’ or ‘I am flawless’ which is quite the ego-trip there that I need to also debunk for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that behind the notion of ‘fearing others’ judgments’ is in fact my own ideas, beliefs and perceptions about myself being ‘superior’ to others or ‘knowing better’ which has to come to an end whenever I am faced with reality and realizing that all of those were mostly ego-trips that I placed myself upon which have no context with reality, which is that of the principles that I am standing for: life in equality, where there is no superior, no inferior – we’re all equal as life and in this, any ego-trip of knowing better is only that, a personality, a character that is actually created based on a perception of ‘being inferior’ at the same time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge who I am based on notions of superiority or inferiority to others, existing in comparison where I have allowed myself to judge me based on ‘values’ or ‘measuring sticks’ that I have at the same time adopted from society, from what I have learned to judge as ‘valuable’ or ‘important’ or ‘good enough’ etc. – all of which is devoid of actual common sense and living-values, which I therefore have to completely cease to exist as within myself to stand in fact as an individual within self-responsibility in my creation, without judgments – simply focusing on a point of self-creation, walking it through, working on whichever adjustments or changes need to be done, start over whenever it is necessary and keeping at it.

This then implies more of a focus on my own mind, my own adjustments, my own corrections to live by which in fact then will create the outflow of stopping focusing on ‘others’ and focus on myself, on living these principles and corrections I’m seeing I haven’t fully embraced as myself and that way, render judgments, opinions, beliefs and perceptions as the mind-values they are that define ‘who we are’ as the mind, as a system that I decide not to live by, but stand up as life.

This then creates in turn a very nice outcome for me here where the point is taken entirely back to self, back to seeing what I accept and allow not only in these judgments and points I wrote out here, but in general towards anything or anyone because we are the ones that create the validity to our judgments, beliefs or perceptions by acting on them, by giving importance to them – therefore if I stop participating in all of those perceptions and instead focus on what is Here as life as myself, as my potential, as my creation to develop = then that’s the outcome that I create not only for me but for everyone else.

And that’s how the focus on ‘others is debunked and turned entirely back to self.

 

 

 

Join us in our process of Self-Creation as LIFE


478. Want Transparency and Integrity? Let’s BE It

Or how to start becoming the solution to all lies and deception within our very own minds

There was a great opening by Cerise and Joe to consider how it would be for every person in our lives to know about what we have thought, imagined, fantasized in absolute detail doing or saying to them throughout our entire life and then asking ourselves if knowing all of this would change the way they see us, and if we would be able to face them without shame or guilt.

The ‘scary’ thought of this implies right off the bat: we got a ton to work on in relation to developing self-honesty which means acknowledging our very own thoughts, every fantasy or imagination, every experience created by ourselves as a form of self-interest where we only consider ourselves but never really give too much of a thought about that person that we are ‘thinking, gossiping, judging, fantasizing’ about in any way – positive or negative, same thing – because for the most part we’ve believed that these things do not affect others, but it’s become quite clear that we cage each other in our own ideas, beliefs, perceptions about others which we synthesize as a form of judgment, backchat, reaction towards another that we then turn into behaviors, ways of ‘treating’ a person which means, we make of those opinions a ‘very real’ representation of the other person in our minds, which then defines how we treat them/see them/acknowledge them, where we justify whatever we are doing onto ‘them’ because it seems righteous, because we believe ‘that’s who They are’ – but, considering that every single person would be able to see and get to know the exact detail of everything I have ever thought about them in my mind, it would surely be a daunting consideration, but to be honest I’ve been hearing the words ‘all will be known’ for close to 9 years now and this has definitely been a factor to curb my ‘self-entertainment’ in a continuous  way related to how and what I think about others.

However this does not mean it is entirely done and sorted out in me, not at all. I’ve faced many forms of challenges in relation to what I think, perceive, judge or react to in others, and the truth is that I many times don’t immediately stand on my ground of self-responsibility to rather see what are these thoughts, judgments, fantasies or experiences revealing about myself. I actually had been considering this for the past couple of days and here to answer the question, I do consider that people would definitely react upon seeing whatever I have thought or perceived about them, because we are not really taught to deal with such perceptions/imaginations about others in our minds as the expression of those that think or fantasize about it and that in no way does it really define ‘who we are’ – meaning, in any case, anything I have thought, gossiped, idealized, imagined, judged, reacted about towards ‘others’ is in fact defining myself and only myself as aspects or parts of myself that I have to work on, but that we as human beings conveniently usually deflect to ‘others’ in an attempt to dodge self-responsibility and self-reflection, which usually stems from wanting to see ourselves under a the light of ‘being a good person.’

Here then, I have pondered many times throughout the years about a potential situation in this world where we could suddenly have all the ‘veils of the mind’ lifted from ourselves in one go and all the chaos that would possibly ensue if we were to suddenly see every single detail of anything that every person we know – or don’t even know – but get to know of have had such imaginations, fantasies, judgments, opinions about ourselves, and how that could ensue like a real ‘world war’ if we don’t get to settle ourselves to understand how everything that we ‘think’ – imagine, perceive, judge, fantasize, react to – about another is in fact our own expression, judgments, ideas, perceptions and that in no way does it really define ‘another’ but ourselves.

That realization is usually an ‘ouch’ experience to most where we’d like to think that we ‘have a right’ to think of another in our heads ‘whatever we want’ with some sort of power to judge, criticize, fantasize about in whichever way – this is certainly a timely situation to consider that we don’t, and that no matter what we do, we’ll face each and every single person in our lives that we have ever had those thoughts about and walk every one of those relationships – no matter how menial – into a point of correction. That’s what our Life Reviews will be about.

So, I’ll share here how through walking this process from consciousness to self-awareness, I have already had my own taste of shame, regret, embarrassment and a personal experience of wanting to ‘dig a hole’ for my own head upon reviewing some of the most shameful things I’ve done, thought or fantasized about in my  mind about others. I am sure I haven’t walked through them all, but it is so that in those moments I have also projected possible scenarios where if I would face those people again, I would ask forgiveness and explain ‘where I was’ at the time of my life where I was creating those ideas, reactions, perceptions ‘about them’ – and in several occasions how I acted the way I did toward them, how my decisions were influenced by all of this mental chatter – and how I eventually found out all of it was in fact about myself only; I would share how I have learned to assist myself to correct these judgments, ideas, thoughts or participations so that we can stop recreating this ‘invisible world’ of lies and deception that we allow to exist in our minds towards another, but we don’t dare to actually confront and lay out before another to be honest about one’s own experience and walk a process of self-honesty to realize oneself as the origin and creator of those reactions that we are simply projecting or imposing upon others as ‘who we believe they are’ – when they are then, in fact, not.

Would they decide to change the way they see me upon knowing all of this? Considering how most of us operate in our minds, I’m sure it would create a lot of rifts in a relationship, because we haven’t learned to not take things personally, but we always are quick to believe that ‘that which another said about me defines me’ and forget all about questioning the creator of such judgment in the first place. So it would be quite expected and normal to walk through a phase of having all of those people suddenly see me with ‘bad eyes’ and then it would be my responsibility to acknowledge where and how have I worked on taking responsibility for those things said or fantasized about another and accordingly go working on my own responsibility about them through self-forgiveness and so walking a process of self-correction.

Would I be able to face them without shame or guilt? As I explained above, most likely not, even if I am not ‘technically’ seeing the people I have been reviewing memories or situations of my past – including ‘recent present’ – in my mind in order to process it, take responsibility for it in my head, I have felt such shame, regret, embarrassment and guilt many times before. But at the same time, I’ve learned how it can only be a temporary experience really, and it’s up to me to make of this shame more of a transitory learning experience rather than a self-bashing and self-judgment process that then becomes another layer of judgment for me to process. I’ve created a reminder to myself to not fall prey of ‘double-judgment’ where one judges oneself for the judgments, beliefs, perceptions one has created about another… it’s definitely easier to acknowledge the point, and yes it sometimes it may be impossible to not go through shame, guilt, regret, but here I can stand as my own surety so that it doesn’t become a form of emotional manipulation for me to not continue seeing my responsibility in it all, but step out of that belief that I become ‘less’ in acknowledging my faults, my own judgments – and so see how it is actually only a point of self-respect and integrity that I decide to build and create as myself when deciding to acknowledge my own creation of those parts of myself that I have the power – as in being capable and able – to change them for and by myself.

A very important reminder that has assisted me quite a bit lately is the realization that what defines a person is not ‘all that they have been’ in their past, but more like how we decide to stand up from ‘the past’ that we’ve been and become. It’s only us that hold ourselves/each other as prisoners of our own past perceptions, judgments and beliefs, leading us nowhere really other than recreating the same illusions of separation that are able to be self-forgiven, taken responsibility with the purpose to change the way that we stand in our minds, the way that we ‘use’ our minds and so in turn, changing how we interact towards others.

A practical reminder for me is precisely to consider how every single thought, word and deed Is part of who I am, my creation, therefore I have to be accountable for it all, because how I face and confront those challenges – such as suddenly people finding out all about how I ‘thought’ of them – is what defines me, and so I have to remind myself that no matter how ‘awful’ some of these points might be, what defines me is who I decide to be from now on that I acknowledge that aspect/part of myself that requires a direction, that requires my responsibility to change because of seeing, real time, that it is not at all supportive to remain in my own denial of these parts of myself if I am a person that is craving or even demanding transparency in this world.

If I am ‘demanding’ transparency and integrity, the ‘truth’ out there, we have to start by creating these words, living these words within ourselves. I bet that none of us that have desired this to exist in our ‘world systems’ have considered to what extent the solution resides in the very secret corridors of our minds and all those accumulated experiences toward people around us, people that we see on our ‘screens’, people that we interact with on a regular basis either in a very personal or impersonal manner… I personally would like to see the day where we could eventually see everything of each other, because then it would be so in our face to recognize that no one can claim innocence in not having ever gossiped, fantasized or judged another; we all have done it in various degrees and the way to start getting a taste of what it would mean to live in a transparent world with integrity is by reviewing all of those judgments that we have created or fantasized about in relation to others, take responsibility for it in recognizing it as or own creation, as our own acceptance and allowance that doesn’t define ‘that other person’ or situation, but ourselves entirely.

And so the only ‘salvation’ that exists here is truly self-forgiveness, no doubt about it. How else could we give ourselves a second chance to face these very grim, dark or despicable aspects of ourselves if we didn’t give ourselves the ability to stand up from it, learn from our mistakes and ensure that we stand ‘hands clean’ from now on in order to not recreate/repeat those same patterns toward other people, but instead develop the practice of ‘placing a guard in front of our mouths and minds’ as in being more aware of what we think, say, do, fantasize or react towards another about, and make sure that we know we are defined by what we believe is ‘defining another’ that we are projecting these thoughts upon.

It is all about self-reflection and in that, we will then be able to not only actively change the way that we interact, live and create our societies, but also at the same time stop the ‘sins of the fathers’ in relation to this deception, hypocrisy, judgments, fears in relation to others, so that we can start becoming self-accountable beings that don’t require a ‘thought police’ to be punished for some ‘bad thoughts’ about others that we turn into heinous acts or crimes – we can then know exactly what we nurture or feed within ourselves, we can exactly decide who we are in every moment in relation to another and ensure that we can stand ‘at the end of time’ clear and self-corrected in relation  to those thoughts, those judgments or experiences towards ‘others’ that, ultimately, are in fact also ourselves anyways – equal and one.

This is actually a very cool subject to bring to our awareness because it is through ‘dropping the veil’ of seeing another as a ‘separate me’ that we can start realizing how much of what we believe is ‘done onto another’ is always done to oneself – abuse, is always Self-abuse. Therefore, doing this exercise, practically, can assist us in becoming more comfortable and closer to the actual truth of ourselves, which is by default not something nice, pretty and pure – we all have our aspects and parts of ourselves to change and correct. Here then, we must not see guilt, same, regret or embarrassment as the solution, nor as a ‘way out’ of actually sorting out these points in us – these reactions are but distractors if they remain a bit too long as our experience – we have to walk through our creation and take responsibility, it’s the least we can do after we’ve ‘fired those bullets’ existing as harmful thoughts and experiences ‘shot’ at others.

Once the trigger is pulled, there’s no going back. But fortunately, with what goes on in our minds, we can at least correct it, ensure we don’t act upon it or recreate it any longer and more so, ensure we don’t take such thoughts or experiences about another into an actual bullet that maims another’s life. We can remind ourselves of this every time that we believe it’s ‘easy’ to imagine stuff, to think stuff and believe it all goes ‘away with the wind’ because ‘it’s only thoughts’ but nope, it’s all here, recorded in the very physical day to day life that we walk through in this world.

So, let’s define ourselves by having the guts to acknowledge and recognize our creation, by deciding to walk through all of these judgments towards ‘others’ and claim them back as our own creation that ‘defines us’ until we decide to also change those reactions about ourselves into something that is genuinely supportive for our lives, that can stand as a building block of the self that we are willing to stand by and with for the rest of our existence.

If we want a world that is no longer ‘full of lies,’ we have to stop lying and deceiving ourselves with an image or belief of ‘being a good person’ – none of us have really been so if we have ever allowed but one single thought about another in a compromising or harmful situation. Food for self-reflection, because it’s more honorable to take a step forward and say ‘I’ve done that, that’s me’ than giving a step back and running away with an idea of ‘I’d never dare to do something like that!’ – that’s a choice right there into self-honesty or self-dishonesty, all up to us – but let’s be aware that each decision we make defines our present, who we are and by all means defines the nature of the future that we are co-creating for ourselves and generations to come.

I’d say, it’s time to stand up with courage and claim ownership of our own lies, so that we can then take responsibility and gift those parts back to ourselves as words that we want to live within and toward others in our lives.

Thanks for reading

 

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If you tolerate this then your children will be next

 

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452. Absolutism is in the Eye of the Beholder

 

One thing I have noticed throughout my life is how I tend to and have been very absolutist or extremist. This has led me to create my own conflicts whenever I try to ‘fit’ something into a very ‘black-and-white’ mindset where I don’t consider or allow shades of gray. And what I have not realized or considered is how it is only myself as my mind that is configured/set up to work this way, in an extremist and polarized manner where there is no further embracing of the multi-dimensions or multiple aspects/sides that exist to everything and everyone that is part of life on Earth.

A sentence that made me realize this with clarity was one of Anu’s statements on the explanation of the nature of our beingness and how to understand the ‘good and evil’ nature of who we are/have become and so seeing that, yes as much as it can be ‘narrowed’ down to saying ‘good and evil’, it also depends very much on ‘the eye of the beholder.’ This bit of sentence enabled me to realize how I am the one that can decide to see things in one way or the other; I can decide to remain in a narrow focus with which to approach people, situations, information and I am the one that places these very narrow and inflexible ‘frames’ upon everything, with which I then go categorizing, filing, defining something or someone according to these very absolutist, narrow, inflexible, extremist and short-sighted ways to be honest with which I had learned to see the world thus far. Why do I do this? For the sake of creating a notion of ‘knowing’ which gives a form of ‘control’ over something/someone or reality itself, because who we are in the mind seeks this kind of ‘power’ – lol – to know, to have already ‘digested’ and so concluded to have a particular view or conclusion about someone/something in reality; yet here I will share why I’ve realized this is actually not so at all.

What does this practically mean? It has a lot to do with having an ‘either /or’ mentality, it can be morality when having to define something as either entirely ‘good’ or entirely ‘bad’ and so kind of go making this ‘final judgment’ upon things. An example, there’s a ‘selection’ of foods that I eat now, yet with those same foods throughout time I have gone through a back and forth several times in wanting to ‘cross-out’ some of them based on defining them – according to knowledge and info – as ‘bad for my health’ and then I come across some other information and then I incorporate them again and place them on the ‘good for me’ list again… what is missing here?

To begin with I am following (fall-allowing) information only, I am not being the directive principle in testing things out for myself and seeing how my body does with each food, but instead I take the knowledge, make a religion out of it where I follow it as ‘how things work’ only to then have that same ‘religion’ be debunked by ‘another religion’ I can encounter on such as an explanation of how this particular food has been demonized by ‘mainstream health care’ information and the opposite effects are to be expected with this one food… and so where do I end up? Caught up in information, mis-informing myself based on how I blindly cut down my own practical investigation and immediately start following it, jumping from eating it all the time, to not eating something at all and vice versa.

This is what happens when we are looking at reality more through the eyes of information and making quick knowledge and information assessments on ‘how things work’ and missing out the practical physical reality testing out phase; and this is not only related to ‘deciding what to eat’ but it can be also related to people where we for example tend to immediately create an experience or very rough perspective on a person we just met based on what we ‘like’ or ‘don’t like’ in a 5 minute interaction… lol I mean this in itself already should speak volumes of how Narrow-viewed we are when immediately being very quick to upon 5 minute talks decide to like or dislike someone… here there is again this ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ approach in a polarized manner where we jump into conclusions, where we don’t allow ourselves any actual consideration of ‘another being’ in their entirety, their life context, who they are in the moment, the phase/situation of their life they’re at, their day, their physical experience in that moment of interaction, other/external factors to the interaction and a plethora of other aspects that we cannot even fathom exist in that one single moment of interaction with another.

Yet in our minds, we have not programmed ourselves to consider space-time physical reality and all of the multi-dimensions of it, nope. We only live ‘up there’ in our minds that in my case I’ve noticed works in this yes-no/ like-dislike / true-false/ right-wrong/ good-bad/ type of mentality, most likely it works like that in us all considering our minds work exactly the same.

So, here using the word ‘deliberately’ again as in making a conscious, considerate, intentional and willing decision to step out of the ‘absolutist’ mindset when it comes to how we are interacting with anything or anyone in our world. I have written about ‘assuming’ many times in this blog, because it precisely involves that ‘jumping into conclusions’, immediately ‘assessing’ things in this mind of mine, cutting-corners to expand my vision and just want a ‘quick outcome’ to then decide ‘who I am’ in relation to something or someone.

Therefore the correction and solution to this absolutist mindset that I’ve been applying is that whenever I see myself jumping into conclusions and wanting to frame something within an ‘either-or’ mentality, I have to take that deliberate step to consider the multiple dimensions, multiple factors about something or someone, and most of the time I’ve found it is actually quite enjoyable to kind of ‘prove me wrong’ in terms of seeing how actually narrow minded or tunnel-visioned I was when yes, going into a backchat about a person, a situation, a moment in reality where I am too quick to make a judgment and assessment of how I ‘qualify’ something or someone, instead of taking that moment to say “ok, can’t be black-and-white anymore, I’m stepping out of the absolutist/fascist mentality where I impose my own ‘view’ upon everything and everyone” – and this is thus the practical process of actually going embracing reality in its totality, whether it is a situation or event, a person I am interacting with, something I read/learn as knowledge and information, something that ‘happens in the world’ I mean, I’ve seen time and time again how we are all too quick to ‘side’ with one or the other side – usually it’s 2 based on our ‘binary’ system in the mind of polarities really, where there’s usually no space for multiple shades of gray.

See and this is where in a way this reminder of not being ‘black and white’ but dive into the multiple shades of grays is handy, because there’s in fact a lot of them– nope, not just 50 people, lol – and that is even a visual reminder so that whenever I see myself wanting to go from one extreme to the other, to take a moment to see further, to know more about the situation, person, information I am taking on, to test it out for myself, to engage more with a person for example and get to know who and how they are beyond a 5 minute interaction for example… asking more questions to really get to know who they are within the words that they speak and the statements that they make, it’s a whole different thing than just hearing something once coming out of their mouths and ‘filling out the blanks’ in our black-and-white mindset.

And so upon doing this, it is actually very cool to go expanding ourselves in really learning to See and Get to Know others, ourselves and so the reality that we create altogether and yes! Even understanding with more clarity the problems that we create based on how quickly we jump into our absolutist mindset, wherein then I can be the one point of solution and decide to go about life with a more ‘physical’ set of eyes, instead of only going mental doing this quick assessments of yes/no, love or hate and decide ‘that’s who we ultimately are’ in relation to something/someone.

As I said above, I actually enjoy being able to prove me wrong in my ‘rushed’ assessments about something, because it enables me to precisely go bit by bit letting go of this absolutist mindset and practically seeing how to start expanding or attaching these new ways of seeing/looking at things and people or situations in a more constructive way, in a more physical and real-time way other than ‘it’s either right or wrong’ type of thing.

It’s funny as well because throughout my life I actually disliked that people would only make a quick assessment on me based on certain ‘qualities’ that would be known by most, and yearned to be ‘truly known’ by another in a holistic manner, beyond what I was and represented as in my social environments or how people would usually ‘tag me’ as… and now I see that I had been reducing things/people/situations to that level of ‘either/or’ myself  for the most part, which proves the point of how we tend to project onto Others that which we haven’t yet done/been/lived for ourselves.

So, this is also a form of righteousness to let go of, where we usually believe that ‘others are the problem’ instead of being able to sit back and look within ourselves to see that we haven’t precisely yet given to ourselves or lived for ourselves that which we are commanding, yearning, asking others to be for us or do onto ourselves. So in a way here practicing the “give to myself first and be for myself that which I would like others to be and do onto myself as well”. It gives me first that step of responsibility to myself so that I can then stand as the expression of consideration, of expansion and embracing something someone in its multiple-qualities, factors and dimensions that we all are.

This has also been then a new starting point when meeting anyone and having even ‘one time only’ conversations where I genuinely enjoy getting to know them and kind of understand who they are, why they are what they are and even in a limited-time frame possibility also push myself to not make a quick ‘conclusion’ as to how I ‘frame’ the person, but learn to see another in their multiple-dimensions and facets and uniqueness that all of us are as human beings, and so not to jump into ‘defining’ another, but rather seeing them for that they shared/presented to me in that one moment, and that’s been very cool to do as well.

So now I have to also learn to do this with information as well, to not seek to quickly ‘figure things out’ or be driven to understand something ‘to the T’ to then decide ‘who I am’ or ‘how I relate’ to something or someone or in relation to a piece of information, but instead always integrate this consideration of the multiple shades of gray, the multiple dimensions or aspects that exist to something or someone, and that way I can go slowly but surely ‘dissolving’ or letting go of my own ‘caged’ mindset of polarities and extremes, and instead continue to learn how to embrace reality in its multiplicity, which is in fact another way of letting of of judging in general, stand down from our ‘personal court’ and ‘drop the case’ and ‘drop the charges’ lol. It is a decision for me to let go of the desire to control, to ultimately know, to tag, to define, to categorize…. and so embrace things as they are.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

Learn and walk with us how to Embrace Life here:


195. The Righteousness of Evil

 

“And I questioned myself many times why it was like me wanting to simply ‘let go’ of such nagging experience, without realizing that it won’t just be ‘gone’ by me kind of only ‘thinking’ about it and coming to realizations like ‘oh yes, it’s the evil in me’ and turn around and keep going with my ‘life.’ Of course it cannot work like that, that’s precisely how we have lived as humanity, just wanting to brush-off, neglect and hide the actuality of our inner experience.”

 

Continuation to 194. Let the Mask Fall!

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to every time that I would get into an experience of discomfort and general uneasiness within myself to not further investigate within me what was it that I was experiencing, but only brush it aside, believe it would ‘go away’ with time, thinking that I simply had to just breathe through it and not look as myself, my own creation, my own reflection– which is another way of simply trying to cover up my actual experience by creating another ‘state of being,’ which would compensate the inherent inner experience of there being something ‘nagging’ within me that I apparently could not ‘define,’ with a positive experience as righteousness.

I realize that I did this without realizing that it was in fact the beingness of myself that was not being looked at in fact as the actual thoughts, backchat and internal conversations that I would righteously believe were ‘right’ and a proper ‘assessment’ of reality, never ever considering how everything that I was thinking and creating an experience about, was never about the environment but it was always about myself only.

 

When and as I see myself going into this ‘nagging/ discomfort’ within myself in my every day living – no matter where or with whom – I stop and I breathe – I realize that there is Something going on that Must Not be just ignored, as it is actually an indication that I’ve been thinking about something and not wanting to look at it, as that would mean actually facing the reality of myself as the thoughts, ideas, projections that I usually participate in, but that I had righteously believed is ‘proper’ and ‘acceptable’ for me to just ‘let be’ and continue going. I realize that All thoughts, All backchat, All experience that I might initially see as ‘indefinable’ actually has a beginning/ a starting point Within/ As Me that I must work with within myself to actually face the reality that I’ve become, instead of wanting to brush it off/ leave it for later and believe it is Not-important, while it is in fact in those seemingly ‘unimportant moments’ that the key to get to know the exact detail of myself really resides in.

 

I commit myself to stop brushing aside, leaving for later the immediate self-investigation through writing, self forgiveness, self corrective application about an inner experience that I have generally defined as ‘nagging/ bothering’ which has remained undefined due to me not having deliberately worked with such experiences as an active part of my process out of Fearing seeing the reality of myself, but only believe that it will go away eventually by simply ‘not participating’ – I realize that One cannot just ‘not participate’ in it and believe it will go away, but see that if it is Here and coming up within me as an energetic experience – no matter how slight it may be – it is still indicating a point that I have to look at.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately diminish the actual inner experience that I termed as just ‘undefined/ bothering/ nagging’ experience as this ‘something’ that would eventually go a way and within this diminishment, creating further separation to see myself As that experience, because of the fear of looking at myself As such thoughts, experiences and assessments, without realizing how it is time to start digging into the ‘hidden corridors and dark places’ as I was suggested to do years ago in order to no longer be bound to a barrier that I’ve created toward what I see within myself and what I see ‘toward others’ as separate from me. Thus it is to realize that everything that I have held as a limitation toward Life in Equality as Evil, as the reverse of life – which includes morals, beliefs, ideas, preferences, judgments, backchat toward ‘others’ and reality as a whole – is what I have to take back to self, in order to stop projecting a point of separation through an assessment in my mind instead of taking responsibility for myself As it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an identity of ‘righteousness’ within my mind assessments wherein within allowing such experiences, backchat and ‘views’ upon reality became a way to also ‘slip in’ points of personality and the self religion that are the threads that are still binding me to that single aspect of myself that is not yet standing as an equal and one part that I have walked through a process of self forgiveness and self corrective application – thus in essence, still keeping some ‘Evil’ as the reverse of life for the benefit of who I am as the mind, leaving it ‘untouched’ as if it had to be ‘there’ for the benefit of my own self-believed righteousness that cannot obviously make sense other than keeping me bound to a limited existence as the mind only and not being willing to stand in the face of the ‘opposite’ as myself as well.

 

When and as I see myself becoming righteous about what I am thinking and experiencing and believing that I can just ‘let it be’ for the moment and only later on end up forgetting it, I stop and I breathe. I realize that the specificity with which I have to become aware of myself is now requiring me to not just ‘leave things for later/ aside’ whenever the least energetic experience is Here as an indication that there is a point to work with, which will be mostly regarding something that is still an aspect I have not dared to look within myself, because of having lived a life of constantly projecting/ assessing/ analyzing others without seeing how it all was in fact about myself.

 

I realize the nagging experience has been going through quick processes of assessing the moment as people, places, events, situation wherein I quickly ‘make up my mind’ about who I am within such experiences/ moments and within that, not allowing me to see that everything that I have in fact assessed is only revealing me to myself, as it cannot be ‘how things are’ when getting an experience out of it – thus it is to not look at it as separate from me, as this is the grave mistake that I’ve made and lived as the evil wherein I had washed my hands from ‘assessing’ reality, while neglecting the fact that I have to work with the point myself in order to then be aware of ‘who I am’ as such point, walk the correction and as such, be able to support myself and others equally not from the vantage point of simply judging, but identifying who am I within this assessment, what is my experience, walk the correction so that I can stand clear and self directive instead of reacting to my own suppressed patterns and projecting it onto others/ reality.

 

I realize that the most effective way to walk this process is always taking the points back to self in order to see if there is any experience coming up and within this, being willing to face Within Me that which I thought, believed or consider ‘does not exist in me,’ which is a defense mechanism of the mind in order to remain in a righteous position about myself in reality, which can only exist as ego.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in this prefabricated/ default position of being ‘good/ right’ and always having the ‘right assessment’ over myself and reality wherein anything/ anyone that may contradict so would be assessed as them speaking of their own weakness, without realizing that such weakness and assessment to ‘win over’ the situation is in fact the aspects that stand as the evil that do not allow ourselves to get to an equal agreement of how to proceed/ work as equals in order to coexist within principles that are best for all, instead of creating further conflict and hidden judgment and accumulation of experiences Toward other beings, simply because of not allowing ourselves to let go of the righteousness that is indicating the ego of the mind of ‘always being right’ as opposed to walking in humbleness which means being willing to face ourselves as the actual evil-assessment/ backchat/ thoughts toward an event, person/ situation to in fact see what it is that we are still playing out as a character that always wants to win/ be right / get the most out of a situation, which is always the aspect that leads to an unequal result.

 

When and as I see myself being righteous about a position without taking the necessary moment to bring the point back to myself, place myself in the shoes of the person/ situation, realize who I am within it and how I can direct it to an equal and one outcome that will always result in what’s best for all.

 

I commit myself to realize that whenever I am making an assessment of my reality is an actual mirror of myself and what I am existing as, and as such, if this assessment contains an energetic experience/ possession about something or someone, it is indicating that I am not yet standing clear as one and equal to the point, but that I require to first look at myself as such assessment, walk the necessary self forgiveness in order to realize that the experience is not about the being/ situation/ event in itself, but it’s actually myself and an indication that I require to take responsibility for my reaction/ experience before allowing myself to make a decision on how to direct myself. Within this is to ensure that I take the necessary moment/ time for this, instead of wanting to immediately come up with a solution that is also part of the ego-rushing desire to do things right away/ immediately which leads to further time loops is there is not an ability yet to see directly in an equal and one consideration of the situation/ people/ event.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live in a constant denial of these ‘assessments’ made toward other beings being in fact only about myself and within this, believing that I had nothing to ‘do about it’ because it was apparently ‘not me’ – however, it is actually an indication of the self-righteousness that exist toward our identification with our thoughts/ experiences having a ‘right to exist’ instead of realizing that as long as I am taking a position that is only benefitting my own deliberate neglect to who I am as my mind, I am in fact not standing equal and one to my reality/ environment and require to take the point back to self, to ensure that I am actually seeing Myself first, correcting me first instead of immediately projecting it onto others to not do the process of self-correction myself, which is rather foolish when looking at it as is.

 

When and as I see myself denying seeing myself within every single thought and experience that I have projected onto others – I stop and I breathe – I realize that who I have become is nothing else but the accumulation of these thoughts and experiences that I have projected onto others in means of defending myself as my own mind from realizing that I am in fact all of which I think about ‘others’/ an external point and reality. Thus

 

I commit myself to see how as long as there are points that I am not immediately taking back to self to walk the process of self correction, the nagging experience will continue as it is the accumulation of me having brushed aside/ left for later/ deliberately neglected moments where the actual key to realizing who I am as the person/ environment/ situation exists as myself – this is within the understanding that as long as I hold a right/ wrong and good/bad position toward another, I am still reflecting the limited version of myself that is not yet fully standing equal and one as everything and everyone, no matter how ‘harsh’ or how ‘bad’ or how ‘evil’ it may seem, as it is precisely the harsh, evil, bad, negative, pessimistic aspect that I have projected and dissociated from myself in my mind so as to not have to take responsibility for it – thus I commit myself to take responsibility for every single thought, belief, idea of myself as being ‘right’ and ‘the good person’ at all times with the ‘right judgment’ which leads to a ego position that is not willing to look at ‘the bad/ negative/ pessimistic’ that I must ensure I walk as myself in order to not allow such judgments to stand in the way of becoming a point that is able to stand one and equal to all parts of reality without separation – and this is what it is to be facing the ‘Evil’ as ourselves, as I finally understand that as long as we keep the least idea, belief or perception of something/ someone being a single definition that stands in separation of ourselves as equals, I am part of the separation that maintains this entire world system as is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the righteousness that I’ve held has been in fact the evil aspect that has refrained me from standing one and equal as everything/ all here, because as long as I hold a value, judgment, belief and thought projected onto others believing that it is not about myself, the righteousness is preventing my own self-understanding/ seeing as one and equal – which indicates the reverse of Live as Evil that must be scrutinized as our own mind which actually allows me to see every moment what is it that I am separating myself from, as these are all indicated through the thoughts, experiences and reactions I hold toward others/ reality which is myself.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am not responsible for the thoughts that I have because of them being an ‘assessment’ upon others/ reality, I stop and I breathe  I realize that self responsibility for everything we do, say, speak must be absolute so that I can in fact stand as an equal and one part of myself – because as long as a single value, judgment, belief, thought, experience is created upon reality, it indicates that personality/  ego is still being the directive force and not self as the unconditional stance of the physicality that I  am.

 

I commit myself to take the necessary breaths and moment to ensure that whatever I voice/ think and do is standing as an expression of myself that I can stand as for eternity – and that my single belief of this being ‘too far fetched’ to say ‘eternity’ is actually a point of ego that I must also walk through in order to stand as the full authority that I’ve abdicated as part of the evil/ reverse of living that I have believed myself to be wherein I have been limiting my own Write-ousness to right myself as that which I am willing to be/ stand as life/what is here as myself, without the ‘nagging’ limitation of me being only ‘in a process’ and placing the point of self realization as some ‘future outcome’ instead of seeing it as myself, here, as  I breathe, one and equal. 

 

 

Now, this is  a general Self Forgiveness, Self Corrective Application with regards to who I have been as a particular character that would stand as righteous within the ‘good/ positive’ aspect, taking a vantage position within that in order to not have to face every single judgment I made upon others as myself. Thus, the next step and process is to the denial of the evil within my reality and how I would only ‘cope with it’ existing in actual fear to realize that exists as myself as well, also who I am toward the relationships that I formed as a point of attraction due to the separation that I was existing as toward my own ‘evil side’ myself, and as such creating an energetic relationship to it through people/ things/ habits/ places, etc.  in order for me to not have to face it as myself, but always remain on the ‘safe side’ of the observer that is mostly an egotistical position toward our reality, as we cannot claim we are not part of something that is already here as ourselves.

 

Thus, I’ll continue deconstructing the righteousness/ goodness personality in relation to the ‘evil’ projected onto others/ the world instead of seeing it directly first as myself and walking the self correction within it to finally stand as one and equal to all parts and all aspects of myself.

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152. Human Race Embarrassment: Shame on Us

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use embarrassment as an emotion and thinking pattern to dissociate myself from that which I see and create an experience toward it in an attempt to separate myself from others and deny that ‘I am them as well,’ which has been a pattern throughout my life to do ‘everything I can’ to be unlinked to anyone that I have deemed as too embarrassing and barbaric to even realize they are a part of that which is here as humanity, the race of beings that I am also a part of.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an emotional experience toward the actions, thoughts, words and deeds of fellow human beings as points of abuse toward oneself/ another/ the animal kingdom/ the Earth itself, without realizing how with me thinking and judging ourselves as humanity I am in fact only reinforcing the same systematic abuse wherein ‘who we are’ is reduced to only knowledge and information that I have separated myself from as pictures, images, thoughts, attitudes, habits that we have diminished ourselves when acting out/ living through a limited ‘frame of reality’ that we have established as ‘who we are,’ daring to even compare/ rate/ value/ regard everyone and everything in separation of ourselves.

 

When and as  I see myself experiencing embarrassment upon viewing/ hearing/ reading/ witnessing a human beings’ actions and words in/ as a point of abuse toward oneself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that me judging another through my mind is an equally abusive point that in no way assists and supports the being to realize the point of separation that’s being created and acted upon through the dictatorship of the mind that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become.

 

I realize that as long as I continue reinforcing an experience toward witnessing/ viewing/ hearing/ getting to know of a point of abuse that we as human beings have perpetrated against fellow human beings, the animal kingdom and our reality, it means that I haven’t unconditionally let go/ forgiven myself for what I have accepted and allowed to exist as ourselves, as individuals  that have used the mind to separate ourselves further and further from the actuality of who we are, from any relationship of ourselves toward ourselves, fellow beings, as we can only exist within the mind-frame of embarrassment/ shame as judgment that can only exist if I also reduce myself to only being and becoming an emotional experience of embarrassments as ‘who I am’ in the moment.

Thus, I commit myself to stop supporting any form of judgment/backchat/ gossip about and toward any being that is acting out/ living a point of self-abuse, as I see and realize that me judging makes no difference to ‘them’ and instead, only reinforces ‘my’ individual perspective as a point of separation in the form of an experience created through thoughts in my mind of shame and embarrassment, which can only exist if one exists as thoughts, emotions and feelings to create an idea of myself being ‘correct’ as in being superior/ better than the other part that is being judged – I instead assist and support myself to self forgive the point of separation and walk as breath to ensure that I stop supporting any form of separation through assessing ‘who I am’ as the mind and instead, equalize myself as the physicality that is here through breathing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand shame as a point that I can use as a way to see how unconditional self forgiveness is the point wherein I can absolutely let go of the judgment toward any and all parts that I have separated myself from and instead, assist and support myself to ensure stopping patterns of recrimination and inferiority exerted toward others within/ through thinking, which is in itself an activity that we have accepted and allowed as ‘normal’ without realizing that: as long as we think, here are not Here as the physical moment of breath and instead we’re only separating ourselves from each other as the actuality of who we really are.

(Read Heaven’s Journey To Life blog for more: Thought Designs – Introduction: DAY 152)

 

When and as I see myself existing as shame and embarrassment toward ourselves as human beings upon hearing, watching, witnessing or reading about the abuse that we have imposed and inflicted upon ourselves and this entire existence – I stop and I breathe – I realize the experiences of shame and embarrassment as ways to only care about ‘how I think others/ how I ‘feel’ about something and someone,’ which is only existent within Me at a thought level, which leads to further laxity toward our own thinking when viewing it as a ‘normal reaction upon abuse,’ and within this missing the actual point which is how through thinking we create our own possessions upon the physical as a continued form of self-abuse.

I realize that as long as I participate in any form of thinking and judging others in separation of myself, I am in fact not supporting them/ myself to realize a point of self-correction, but only deviate the point of responsibility that I hold toward myself as my own accepted and allowed participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions – thus

I commit myself to stop any emotional experience of embarrassment as an emotional experience created upon witnessing/ reading/ viewing a point of abuse toward oneself/ others in order to take responsibility for my own thoughts, my own participation in the mind as that is what I in fact am able to change/ direct and align to what is best for all. I realize that I cannot change another’s actions, thoughts, words, but I can only remain standing as an example of what is possible to be and become when we do not allow ourselves to be ‘driven’ by an experience in our minds and as such, unconditionally also let go of any point of judgment exerted toward others that triggered the experience within me, as I see and realize I am the starting point of such experience, not ‘them.’

 

Furthermore it is to realize how this embarrassment toward all the points we read in the news and in our day to day living experiences in reality when becoming aware of a point of abuse can instead be directed to ensure that we do not only remain as ‘victims’ and ‘judges’ of our reality, but instead take such points as demon.strations that we ensure we stop and take self responsibility for in any away within ourselves, as we see/ realize and understand that as long as we continue thinking, becoming emotional and creating further thoughts about something/ someone, we are only standing in an equal-manner to the mind possession/ point of abuse that is being judged; within this we can see how we as humanity tend to judge each other for the atrocities that are committed without understanding the source and origin of such abuse being one and the same within all individuals/ human beings that currently exist as the dissociation of the mind in relation to the physical, which once again brings the importance of getting to know ourselves as our mind, as the physical and as such, create a point of reference to see where and how we have separated ourselves from every part that is here through us ‘thinking’ reality instead of standing one and equal as it to actually see in fact and understand any point of abuse that is existent at the seemingly ‘innocent’ level of a thought.

It is time for us to look into ourselves at all times to see if what we say, think, act and participate in is an expression that we are willing to stand as for eternity – we are actively and practically walking our mind to establish a final directive point within ourselves within the principle of what is best for all, which cannot contain a point of judgment/ projected blame toward others as ‘the abusers’ for we would understand how any point of abuse is in fact self abuse as the mechanisms that allow such abuse are existent in each one of us as well, thus we are all equally responsible and that responsibility begins toward ourselves as our own mind.

 

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