Tag Archives: justifications

180. Half way done

Within the procrastination point and seeing the number 180 reminded me of a  half circle when it comes to degrees,  and I see that one of the aspects that I have to take into consideration is how I reach a point within and while doing something where I simply suddenly just not follow through with it. This implies that I begin writing and then, the mind-imperialism over physical reality is allowed within me, creating enough excuses as to why I don’t want to ‘follow through’ with something.

And this is a ‘branch’ stemming from procrastination wherein during the moment that we are doing it, I simply decide that ‘it’s enough for now, let’s leave the rest for later/ tomorrow…’ and in that moment, I have actually made a decision based on any other point that will create a ‘better experience’ other than the aforementioned backchat in the ‘negative realm’ of experiences – which was disclosed in the previous blog 179. Apathy as result of High Expectations and instead go into the positive and think about all the ‘other things I should rather be doing.

 

– This is enough for now I rather leave the rest for later when I am more ‘feeling’ like I’m more suitable for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow and hold the backchat of ‘I rather save the rest for later’ when it comes to finishing a task or assignment – within this allowing me to create the experience and reaction of being ‘stuck’ with it, not knowing how to ‘follow through with it’ without realizing that these are just excuses and justifications in order to actually go and do that ‘something else’ that I have defined as a more suitable thing to do/ something I would rather do instead of continuing with my task.

When and as I see myself reacting in an experience of being ‘stuck’ with my writing and not knowing ‘how to follow through with it’ as backchat – I stop and I breathe – In such moments I can simply go back, read what I am writing, ensure that I bring the point back to ‘here’ that I began with, see where I am required to give it direction in terms of ‘following through with it’ and simply continue writing, as I see and realize that within the acceptance and allowance of this ‘stuckness’ as a real obstacle to not continue, I allow an emotional experience to dictate who I am in the moment of writing and getting my assignment/ task done – therefore,

I commit myself to breathe, read again what I am writing in order to continue up to the point where I stop and see what it is that I in fact faced in such moment that I decided to stop, apply self forgiveness for the decision to stop and the excuse that I gave in order to stop and within this assess in common sense how to continue doing the task or if it is in fact time to dedicate myself to my other tasks during the day.

Within this, the consideration of not wanting to do it all at once to ‘get over with it’ is required, in order to not make it an energetic drive to ‘get past the obstacle/ get it done as fast as possible’ which would also be going to the extreme where no actual self support is considered.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with immediate disposition to instead of writing going out for a walk, going to check out something else online instead of continuing doing the writing, which indicates that I am seeking to create a positive experience in the moment instead of doing the writing as the particular task/ assignment done, without realizing that the moment that I believe that I require a particular ‘drive’ to write is also enslaving myself to only write when ‘I feel like it’ which is beginning the writing with an impetus of positivity and then slowly but surely decaying into a ‘low’ that I then seek to step out by doing that ‘something else’ that I have defined as a positive experience, wherein I then react with a physical opening and dissipation of all heaviness experienced when ‘hitting the low’ at the moment of writing.

Thus, when and as I see myself coming up with something better to do and creating a positive experience such as immediate disposition to go out and be ‘steadfast’ for it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I don’t require an energetic input to get things done and that I cannot continue dividing tasks based on ‘how I feel’ about them, as this is the very indication that I am not being the directive principle, but instead I am allowing energy to be the decision maker within this.

I commit myself to continue writing and doing what I have established and decided to do in a moment without participating in thoughts that lead me to assess the moment as either a positive or negative experience, as I see and realize that writing is just me moving fingers on top of keys and that’s it – there is no requirement for a particular impetus/ drive or even motivation outside of myself to do so.

 

– “I don’t know how to follow through with this”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as being ‘stuck’ to continue writing and apparently ‘not knowing how to follow through’ which is a common limitation and restriction that I have imposed onto myself and my physical doing of writing as a mind experience wherein I believe that I required ‘some information’ to continue going, without realizing that all is actually already here and that I do not require to ‘get something outside of myself’ to continue – which is a common belief that I have participated in order to then just stop doing the writing and shift to a ‘better thing to do,’ leaving aside the task that must be done.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I require some information to continue going and within this create the experience of being ‘stuck’ within the writing in itself, I stop and I breathe – I realize that all that I require is already here as myself and as such, I stop participating in the thoughts that lead me to ‘better do something else’ and direct myself to continue living the word determination wherein I have agreed to complete that which I begin as part of the physical movement and realization that all the focus that I require is attention into this particular point to walk it to its completion and diligence as a persistent and continuous application to continue working on what I am already doing, such as writing, and stopping the need and desire to do something ‘better’ or ‘more fulfilling’ which is indicating that I am only seeking for a positive experience in my mind, which is not acceptable.

 

I commit myself to ‘remind’ myself as a point of support how I can only create an experience in my mind of ‘being stuck’ because of an actual desire to do something that is more ‘fulfilling’ at an energetic level – thus I stop and continue giving myself physical direction, breath by breath as the focus and diligence that I have committed myself to live as part of the realization that who I am is constantly here as breath, and that this  – along with my physical requirements to continue living – are the basic sustenance required in order for me to ‘follow through’ with my writing/ assignment/ task to be done.

 

Next post I’ll explore an ‘ideal’ state that I have discovered I have programmed in my mind as the ‘suitable conditions/ environment’ for me to write, which then become obviously an excuse to within not meeting this ‘requirement’ as the ‘suitable moment/ conditions to write,’ I simply continue procrastinating because of not meeting ‘my needs’ within it.

 

to be continued…

 

Desteni 

Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

 

Dullness

 

Blogs

 

Animal Life Reviews:

Learn what you have NEVER ever even considered about yourself, this world, human civilization and animal species here, from the ‘mouth of an ant’

Advertisements

178. There’s no reason, no explanation, so play the violin

 

Backchat Reaction dimension within Procrastination Character

Within walking this process of identifying all dimensions, I realized that the backchat has more to do with a series of judgments that I have held toward specifics in relation to myself and art and at the moment, I’ve walked that on a previous blog, however when it comes to the reactions, I see that the most prominent points where simply fear, anxiety and then a laxity wherein I would make it all alright and simply keep going without going into it.

 

I’ve had a song in the back of my head, Ricochet by Faith no more and the chorus says:

“It’s always funny until someone gets hurt…
And then it’s just hilarious!”

 

Now the most prominent reaction I am facing currently is  to my own stupidity-loops that I’ve walked, and as I write this I can experience some type of energetic drill on my arms because of how I did this to myself and my reaction toward this has been that of anger that I’ve channeled through other means – like points of getting angry at people for not cleaning the kitchen a month ago, getting irritated about other people’s expression as if everything ‘was fine’ and me simply reacting to it because of this drag that I’ve been keeping around myself all this time.  And it’s interesting because I got the point explained to me and still, I didn’t quite ‘get it’ in terms of being angry at ourselves for not changing. Now it’s quite clear and makes absolute sense, I was simply using others to ventilate my own accumulated inner-anger/ frustration for not moving on/ directing myself –this is how we try to ‘project blame to others’ instead of taking responsibility for our own deeds, thoughts and words. Listen to Anu’s recent interviews for more detailed explanation on this point, which will strip any sense of righteousness upon decision making based on the mind’s indulgence: Reptilians – Facing Choice (Part 2) – Part 108

 

Hence the reactions are more of an accumulated state of absurdity when realizing what I’ve done or not done to be precise. Being  this something that had become this ‘something going on’ within me that can be easily side-swept within self interest – and not even easily really, that’s also what I’ve made myself believe: it can be easily ignored in the moment, however it becomes like a constant gnawing thought – now the ‘gnawing thought’ makes sense when studying the Quantum Mind Series and getting a clue of the level of abuse that we are inflicting upon ourselves whenever we Think about things but not Do anything with it – Why? This is the question: if I realize that I am not supporting myself in keeping this ‘thing’ on top of me like a cross I’ve accepted and allowed myself to bear absolutely unnecessarily so, then why the hell have I simply not given it self direction?  Because: in the mind, everything is fine – yes just like ‘In Heaven, Everything is Fine’ and this is the point wherein I realize that I have chosen the mind to direct me and become me and my every day decision-maker instead of myself not accepting and allowing to give into the ‘same old carelessness’ toward things that I ‘know’ must be done and simply, doing it = ‘play the violin.’

 

A memory that comes up within this is how I would for example procrastinate simple things throughout my day as a child, like taking off my school uniform when getting home from school, getting to a point of having to be ‘threatened’ by my mother with a tickle-attack if I didn’t take it off in 30 seconds, then I would MOVE the hell off the couch, stop watching MTV  and run to take it off and put some other clothes – however when this wasn’t the case, I could remain the entire day with the uniform on, LOL – this is just ‘hilarious’ yes but the point is not the uniform or how I was conditioned to move with something I feared, which is something that’s very clear to me now –  but how these seemingly innocent patterns evolved later on with other points of procrastination up to one that I created  for myself and walking at the moment. It’s a ‘carelessness’ toward myself and a laxity that can accumulate in seemingly ‘unnoticeable’ points that I am perfectly aware exist within me and that I participate in on a daily basis. Within the previous example,  taking off the uniform would literally take me 20 seconds, 20 goddamn seconds… however I would simply move everywhere else, do all my homework and studies to the T, be a ‘responsible girl’ in all ‘school matters’ but could not make the single decision to take off the uniform – that’s the same experience that I’m having as a reaction to this procrastination point, which is pretty cool that emerged as I have this ‘thought,’ that single pixel frame of the TV-room I used to spend my days in, wearing my uniform for probably some 12 hours on a row or more lol, doing all my homework and my ‘responsibilities’ however not moving in one simple aspect that was related to me – which opens up the point: have I always done things for others then? And when have I really done things for me? I am sure this process is and has been as self-decision, which is how I have kept myself ‘constant’ within it – however the moment I separated this school-career project and making it ‘for others’ I turned my own tables and decided to judge it and procrastinate it.

The uniform was definitely constricting! it was uncomfortable, yet I kept wearing it –that pretty much sums up my reaction toward this point: it is constricting, it was utterly uncomfortable having this jack in the box constant nagging thought, however I did not move. And so, it is hilarious.

I said, “it’s okay to laugh about it”

 

As I’ve been working on the actual writing and moving myself within this whole procrastination deal,  I realize how I had actually enjoyed having begun writing the first version of it, which was far more extensive than the one I am writing at the moment and that is less ‘constricting’ in terms of the ‘rigidness’ of what a proper ‘academic written work’ should be like.  I realized how within simply writing and actually just ‘doing it’ to what extent I simply made a huge fucking deal out of it, while it only took me opening the damn file and reviewing, continuing writing and being certain of what I am writing as my own process, with full awareness of how it is that it is much more simple  to just physically do it, than anything else I could have made up in my mind of it being seemingly ‘too much’ – all excuses as backchat that I would react to in this heaviness at a physical level after going through slight pungent shots of anxiety and fear for ‘the future,’ giving into the mind experience instead of taking it ‘by the horns’ and not allowing me to continue procrastinating. But I did.

And so, as I’ve learned from some blogs I’ve read from Lindsay Craver, I realize how sometimes the songs we have in our heads are indicating ‘something’ that we are simply not fully seeing ‘here.’  and I’ll give a proper journey to life review on her blog in a vlog. So keep an eye on it.

 

And the chorus pretty much describes how I would go through my day by day, as if everything was ‘just fine’ and then realizing, oh fuck, I did squander my time – it’s done and gone. And now ‘the joke is on me’  and how well, I realize I can’t get more pissed off or angry at myself as that would be another stupidity loop – nor channeling through getting angry ‘at others’ because I can’t fool myself that easily any longer –

So, it is ‘hilarious’ to realize this yes, I mean, what’s left to do but acknowledge what I’ve done, how I created it, and how I am simply giving it direction without further reactions.

So the reactions at the moment are more related to having procrastinated this task all this time – it is a point of self-judgment and yes  I remember very well: ‘Do not judge yourself if you fall’ – However, if it is here and it’s just ‘hilarious’ that I did it, well I have to walk down the procrastination road and eat lots of humble pie (thanks to Cerise that explained that idiom to me)  and accepting my mistakes, that is the gift that I can give to myself wherein there is no positive or negative mindfuck to cover it up or try to find a ‘good way’ to justify why I procrastinated, or believing that ‘there was seemingly an external/ unknown/ mysterious  reason’ for this to happen, that there was ‘something behind this all’ that I simply am apparently unaware of and that’s the reason why I had to stay longer here and essentially extending my expiry date for a year – expiry date I mean with my due time to simply get things done and sticking around here.

 

So it’s always ‘funny’ and just ‘nice’ to keep ourselves deciding for the fluffy positive thinking and positive experience that one creates in order to not take on the tasks that must be done –  until the shit hits the fan and I’m brought back to Earth – why do I require these wake up calls then having to go through fear, anxiety, keeping it inside, rotting until it’s just a point where the pungent smell is telling me Hey you know, you could have just DONE it and get over with it, how difficult is that?

And this is where I look down and forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to  realize believe that I could ‘get away from this’ easily and that there would be a miraculous way to step-out of it, and not having to eventually do it/ work on this.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perpetuate a point of self abuse as a physical burden and a constant reaction of shame toward my own dishonesty to move/ do things/ get my responsibilities ‘moving’ wherein instead of actually taking the necessary physical direction, I gave into the experience of ‘feeling bad’ about it and then using all means and justifications like having ‘other responsibilities that are more important’ as an excuse, wherein then ‘blame’ comes as a suitable gadget for me to not see that I am the only one that is and has been responsible for this, and that in the end, I will also have to walk through the consequences no matter what – and this is where yes, there is nothing left to do but eat my own words and say ‘I did this to myself.’

 

Within this  – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever judge ourselves as humanity for ‘waiting for a savior/ god’ to come and fix things for ourselves and then in the end, simply having to do it ourselves once that the shit is still ‘there’ and there’s no one to take care of it – thus I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shame and embarrassment toward my own dishonesty which is simply another form of ego to victimize myself about what I didn’t do – why I did not give it direction and remain within a comfort zone of just ‘feeling bad about it’ which is not really necessary and even self interest to create yet another experience upon not doing something, instead of simply breathing, letting it go, giving myself proper practical direction to do it and that’s it. Within this realize how it is actually quite easy to simply ‘do it’ and not give into all the thoughts and judgments and backchat about it, or adding an extra layer of judgment when ‘looking back on time’ and realizing the stupidity I have created for myself, by myself

 

I realize that I will walk the consequences and that yes, the ricochet eventually hits us back again – and that ‘there’s no reason, no explanation, so play the violin’ – this is exactly what I’ve experienced and that’s just part of the lyrics.  I have no excuse, I don’t have to explain myself further to make it alright, so I play the violin which means I get this done.

More explicit self forgiveness in the next one…

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

 

Overwhelmed

 

Blogs:

Great Supportive Interviews to make decisions in our lives and be aware of our every single physical step and the consequences we create for ourselves:

 

My mirror =

An example of perfectionism possession over bullying:


175. My Sacred Time of the Day

The Positive-Thought and Reactions that have chained me to see everything else as a ‘lesser time’ of the day.

When we have a negative thought, in our mind we immediately want to jump again to the ‘feel good’ experience as that is essentially when we consider that we feel ‘fine’ and ‘great’ and create this sense of ‘everything is alright.’

Today I’m going to walk the Positive Thoughts’ Reaction in relation to the procrastination character. These particular thoughts are in essence like one single picture-frame that I see in my mind whenever I am ‘thinking’ about getting this document done and after going through the negative thoughts of all the tediousness and apathy experienced toward simply ‘doing the task’ as the memories discussed yesterday, I create immediately the ‘positive experience’ as that which I talk myself into rather doing because it is simply something that I enjoy doing.

Now, what’s interesting within this is that I’ve made of walking outside my every day ‘moment to self’ however if I applied the same rigorous immovable decision to ‘go out for a walk’ in all aspects of my day to get to all my responsibilities, I am sure that I’d be definitely more effective.

So first – I’ll walk the positive experience linked to this thought, then see how I can practically create a schedule in order to consider that I can place the same ‘drive’ that I have to go outside and walk toward any other task that I require to get done.

This ‘drive’ won’t be based then in having a positive experience, nor a ‘positive attitude’ toward it, but a single process of moving myself physically to do it – just like what walking implies – an effortless activity wherein I am simply giving myself physical direction to move and go somewhere and back.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the positive thought of the view of the street that I walk through with a golden like light shining on the pavement, with some clouds half way covering the sun as this moment that I would rather ‘walk outside for to experience’ instead of working with the task that I have at hand, which came up as the thought of ‘I must get to work on this today’ and immediately participate in the previous two thoughts or any other point of fear and unpleasant reaction such as tediousness, apathy, fear and general avoidance to it, wherein I then switch into the positive thought of ‘walking outside’ as one excuse to simply ‘leave it for later’ in order to go out and experience the thought that I have created in order to tempt myself to go outside, wherein I feel more at ease and ‘good’ about myself due to all the physical experience that I enjoy participating in.

 

When and as I see myself creating the thought of the street that I walk through as a temptation to not do what I have to do in the moment, and leave it for later – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the mechanism in my mind that I have submitted to in order to always ‘give in’ to what I have made part of my routine and an ‘alright’/ enjoyable point that I have never questioned due to it being part of physical activity and movement during my day, yet when it becomes a point of self manipulation it is clear that I must stop and realize that I cannot follow the ‘positive experience’ and drop/ leave the responsibilities aside, as I have made a habit of making it ‘alright’ to go for a walk and do what I enjoy doing regardless of any other point that requires immediate direction.

 

I see and realize that I have made of this point of walking a religious-point that I have made immovable in my every day routine, which indicates that because it is a positive experience of feeling ‘free’ as in moving and not doing something in particular, I have made it ‘my time of the day’ which I have respected as such during my every day living. Thus I realize that if I implement the same to get other points done in my reality, and making my responsibilities also an immovable and unbreakable point of my routine, then I can get to still have that time for me to go out for a walk and have the certainty of having worked with that which I must work with myself no matter what.Therefore,

I commit myself to implement the time throughout the day to get this writing done as an every day point that I get into for at least 2 hours of my day, which implies that I have to choose a moment every day according to my already existent schedule to get to this point and do it no matter what, to equalize the same drive that I have for going out for a walk, into this point wherein I make no excuses or justifications as to why I could not get to it today. This implies that within the rest of the activities that I had for the day, I can go also assessing which ones I can move around/ set proper times to do them instead of doing a little bit of all at once without really dedicating proper time to each task, as I see and realize that this can also be a supportive point to go into as I walk this alignment of myself to that which is priority in my reality to get done.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive thought as the image of the streets that I walk through with even the sensation of the slightly cold breeze with the sun coming down and several clouds as the enticing and temptation point that I ‘give into’ because of believing that this is something that ‘I’d rather do instead of remaining at home during sunset time,’which I have linked to a sense of depression and isolation and a feeling of seclusion, due to having created the habit for many years now to be outside walking during sunset time regardless of any excuse – unless it is raining/pouring heavily outside – and within this, create a positive experience of my day that leads to this one moment of going outside for a walk and even plan my day in such a way that I ensure I have time to go out for this walk.

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how I implemented this point of walking at that particular time of the day ‘back in the day’ wherein I would be experiencing myself as ‘isolated’ at home and making of this time of the day my religious moment to ‘be free’ and create an entire positive experience of the sightings and the weather, the pictures I’d see as my ‘high’ moment of the day, wherein this became a habit to simply not be inside my house when the shift from daylight to nighttime goes on, as I have created this sensation of sadness and dread to being at home and seeing the daylight go and night coming in, which then reveals how this positive experience exists as the opposite to this sensation of depression that I would go into at the time when I would not go out of my house at all –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get the memory at the moment of me being reading in my ‘old house’ when I was a young teenager and being immersed in the reading and looking up outside the window and seeing that there was still some daylight – then the next moment after a while looking up and realizing that it is already night time, wherein I would create this sensation of ‘having missed the sunset/ having squandered another day’ which created this negative experience of depression and dullness and dissatisfaction within me, due to realizing that I had seen ‘another day gone by and not doing something in particular but reading,’ which I knew was a distraction from actually going outside and interacting with reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then use walking as that positive experience that I created in my mind as a ‘personal improvement’ aspect which means that I have tainted the walking point with a positive experience from that time when I used to not go out for a walk/ remain at home and link that to a ‘dull time/ bad time/ depressive time’ of my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program this point of ‘going out for a walk’ as a remedy to me ‘hitting the low’ as a depressive or dull moment in my day wherein the cheering up moment comes up as ‘going out for a walk’ as the ‘always effective method’ to get myself into a ‘high’ and positive experience even if it is as slight as having this impetus and driving force in a positive manner to go outside, which indicates that I have in fact used this point of ‘going out for a walk’ as a way to ‘escape from myself’ and the responsibilities that are usually existent ‘at home’/ in my room. Thus I realize how I have used the excuse of MY MOMENT of the day as this immovable/ sacred moment that I cannot put down for something else/ to do something else such as writing my document, which actually happened –thus the memory.

 

I forgive myself that I have linked the experience of being inside the classroom during the afternoon/ evening and seeing outside the window how the sun would be going down and wishing and hoping that I was ‘free’ to be able to go out for a walk, creating a positive experience toward the sole ability of going out for a walk during sunset – within this (okay this is seriously shocking the marlen programming here) I breathe  – lol –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link being in school or reading or writing or doing anything else BUT being outside walking during sunset as a negative experience within my day, which is how and why I have used this image as a positively charged thought in my mind that I have used to manipulate myself to ‘get out no matter what’ in order to not experience the negative as the dullness/ depression/ tediousness/ apathy that is linked to me being at home ‘secluded’ in my room, being at school attending class instead of being outside and being with the horses at the stables – which is ‘outside’ yet not walking/ doing what I want in that moment and use these points as an excuse to define al of those activities as a negative point that I do not want to do based on my self interest as the positive experience of ‘going out for a walk to make my day.’

Therefore, when and as I see myself getting this anxiety when seeing the sun coming down already and not being outside already in my daily walk – I stop and I breathe – I realize that what is driving me to hurry is that ‘negative experience’ that I have gotten from that memory wherein I would remain at home during ‘sunset time’ and be depressed just by seeing another day go by without doing ‘anything’ but reading/ being at school during class time and only being sitting close to the window or simply looking outside with ‘wonder’ as to manipulate myself to make of that moment something dull/ bad/ negative based on my desire to be outside/ being with the horses and supporting them before night time and not being outside walking, but being outside supporting another being during sunset time –  and as such, I realize that I have imprinted within me my own beliefs of what is positive and negative onto activities/ actions/ moments in my life based on different contexts and situations that cannot in any way continue defining ‘who I am’ within reading, who I am within attending class, who I am within supporting another being, who I am within walking, who I am within the particular time of the day – specifically sunset’ – which I have charged as this almost ‘sacred’ time of the day that I Must experience while walking, and whenever I was not able to fulfill this point of being outside walking throughout this time, I would also get frustrated or irritated for not doing what ‘I like doing’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the memory of working with horses at the farm during sunset, wherein I would take much earlier than sunset since horses come into the stables at sunset, and as such have the experience of ‘missing out on life’/ missing out ‘my moment’ wherein I would simply be walking outside during sunset instead of taking care of another, which is also what I see factored into my entire experience of working with horses as a point that would ‘take my time’ as a ‘personal time’ that I had created as something untouchable and immovable such as going outside for a walk during sunset.

I see and realize that even the thought of not being able to do this once I am at the farm, has factored into ‘not wanting to leave my religious walk’ of the day and as such, how I have mind—controlled myself into this single limited perspective of my experience within walking wherein I am essentially revolving around this moment of the day, to get to this moment of the day, making it my ‘ultimate experience’ instead of actually seeing walking as that moment that yes, I can listen to interviews and ‘get out in the world,’ however not to make it an entire experience that is ‘positive’ in nature and that overrides any other point of responsibility within me, as I see and realize that this is the ‘problem’ that we create within ourselves every time that we only want to do that which we have programmed as a positive experience in order to avoid the negative experience linked to it.

When and as I see myself believing that I am ‘missing out on life’ because of being working with horses instead of being ‘outside walking by myself’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that such thoughts are what creates also a negative experience toward working with horses in that particular time of the day, based on the positive experience that I have imprinted throughout time to ‘my time’ as being alone, walking during sunset time as this precious time that I don’t even want to share with another  – as I have been so inflexible and rigid with my own self-religion when it comes to doing things the way that I am used-to/ ‘want them to be done’ which are all aspects that only sustain this rigid and immovable and closed-minded version of myself, wherein I see and realize that it takes a physical ‘effort’ to do something different within this walk in itself, like going out for a walk with another and being listening to another while walking instead of being all by myself, or spending longer time indoors when getting to a particular place during my walk, wherein the moment that I go out and the sun is down I believe that I have ‘missed the entire gist of my walk’ because I was not able to fully ‘presence’ the sun going down, lol, which is really ludicrous now that I write it out and funny, but that is essentially how I have been my own ‘clockwise’ in relation to my day, my doing, my ‘climatic moment of the day’ as being outside going for a walk and not wanting to miss ‘that’ moment of the sun going down.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to when I see me spending more time within a particular task in the computer and see that it is already ‘being late’ to go out for a walk, I look up at the sky and if it’s already going ‘darker’ than usual, I create this experience of anxiety to move right away and cut/ stop whatever I’m doing, and rushing to putting my boots on and going out for a walk, simply because of not wanting to miss this particular moment of the day outside. Within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dominated and controlled by a single experience that I have considered is a positive experience within my day such as ‘being outside walking during sunset’ without realizing to what extent I have made this a ‘cannot miss’ point wherein I manipulate myself, my doings, my tasks and even others so that I can always ensure I have this time for myself in order to have the day ‘complete’ and experience  ‘satisfaction’ from it as a positive experience – and the other way around, creating a negative experience wherein for whatever reason I cannot be outside going for a walk during sunset, wherein a slight irritation and dissatisfaction emerges, due to believing that I have missed out on life today.

I realize that Life is not defined by a positive experience, nor defined by the pictures I see of a sun going down and setting my reality into ‘night time,’ nor is it this special moment that I must experience always being walking outside, alone, with earphones on and creating this whole ‘my time’ experience as I see and realize that within having created this point as ‘THE moment of my day’ everything else then comes in a ‘second place’ wherein my drive to do it is partially based also on ‘getting to the moment of going out for a walk’ instead of equalizing such impetus/ driving force as a physical breathing in every moment point that I commit myself to live in a stable and consistent manner.

When and as I see myself believing that being doing something else that is not walking outside during sunset time, is a reason for me to believe that I am ‘missing out on life’ and that ‘I have ‘just missed My Time of the day’ wherein an entire experience of dissatisfaction and even slight irritation comes up – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have created and made of this walking time an ‘immovable’ aspect within my life in separation of the rest of my daily tasks and activities and simple ‘being here’  that also require an equal commitment to get them done and to equalize myself as breath no matter where I am, with whom, with whatever I am doing – therefore

I commit myself to equalize this impetus/ driving force that I have created and lived-out in relation to ‘going out for a walk’ toward all activities during my day wherein this driving force is no longer linked to a positive experience of ‘enjoying the movement’ and the view of the world while walking while avoiding re-creating the dullness/ sadness/ depression that I would go into in the memory of myself remaining ‘at home’ through sunset time –  and instead direct myself to physically move to get all points done within my day wherein I can still go out for a walk without making it a ‘moreness’ moment within my day, wherein I have made everything else of the day as the ‘downfall’ compared to such momentum that I get from the moment I decide to go out for a walk, up to the moment when I come back and it’s already dark and within this, having the background thought of ‘I’ve made my day’ because of having had this positive experience fulfilled within me, which indicates that I have not equalized my daily routine to be an equal and one self-movement, but still held this particular time of the day as ‘more’ and ‘positive experience’ within me, which is unacceptable as then in my mind, I have created of the seemingly ‘tedious’ tasks which require my focus and attention as negative experiences when compared to my self-created positive experience of going out for a walk.

What I have realized within this is that it is absolutely necessary to go in depth to that which we have charged as the positive experience as this entire made-up positive experience overrides common sense and self direction to in fact direct ourselves to do that which we have deemed as ‘negative’ in our world and reality – it is all based on How we have imprinted such moments in our reality – thus we have the ability to re-define such moments as an equal impetus/ driving force at a physical level that we are able to exist as simply being breathing and equalizing our activities to breathing instead of ‘thinking’ and going into experiences upon thinking about reality and our actions.

Furthermore I can see how I have made of my ‘positive experience’ something that would seem quite ‘usual’ or ‘normal’ for any other person, however due to how I have specifically ‘conjured up’ this every day action within my day, it is definitely not something that I hold as ‘normal’ within my day, but have made it ‘more’ than any other moment of my day – thus I commit myself to stop holding any ‘moreness’ value to sunset time, to walking and to within this realize that I cannot accept and allow myself to be motivated by pictures and and a positive experience to move as all that I require to move is here as my physical body, breath and my will and decision to do what is required to be done and within this actually Live the entire day instead of ‘being living for’ only a particular moment within my day.

More to come

 

Desteni I Process

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System

 

 

 

 

Blogs:

Great must listen interviews:

%d bloggers like this: