Tag Archives: justify my love

126. The Elixir of Entertainment

Elixir: a sweetened liquid used to Mask the Taste of an unpalatable medicine

-A Universal Remedy – ‘powder for drying wounds’.

A continuation to: 125. An Alternative Pop Culture Child: raised by MTV

A point that I have realized is how as a young child I accepted an alternate reality of the ‘rich and famous’ as something that I wanted to attain somehow – I played to be a singer/ dancer and it seemed like pretty normal for me to pursue such glamorous dreams. However it is again proof of how we become what we are Taught and Impulsed to become through our environment and house-habits. First 7 years of our lives are vital for this, and one of the first things I was introduced to as a form of entertainment/ playing was music.

However, if one would grow up in a farm for example, kids grow up wanting to be cowboys, agricultural engineers, truck drivers, shepherds and to me that was simply overrated obviously, as I had grown up being essentially hypnotized by music, which became  -as the word that came up today indicates – a Mask for me to justify not hanging out with actual kids and playing outdoors. I became a porcelain doll in my home, only paying attention to this bubbly world and literally reducing my entire life for that time to a home-school-home back and forth wherein home meant TV – and that was mostly it.

What did I get from this? Accepting an alternate reality as ‘my world’ without a question, focusing entirely on becoming part of this aspect of reality that in no way was considering any physical and practical consideration, it was just an easy way to cope with my reality. What was I fearing? Establishing actual relationships with other kids, fearing actually going out and play, fearing missing out on some great music video – and this is not an exaggeration, which indicates how I became literally obsessed with music, developing a ‘strong-hold’ on the experiences I literally taught myself to create just out of hearing what such artists would have to say from their experience of performing, writing lyrics, traveling and all ‘the good life.’ Hence music became the synonym of ‘the good life’ that I used to literally tune in and forget about an existence outside of my room.


Self Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Statements

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that life was about seeking one’s personal dreams and desires ‘when I grow up,’ which became essentially the way in which  I programmed myself to be, act like and seek to ‘attain’ within my world and reality, wherein I believed that it was perfectly normal to seek dreams of fame and fortune, without being able to understand how it is that these ‘innocent dreams’ become an actual way of separating myself from my reality, covering with my so-called ‘special likes’ an actual resistance to relate to kids my age and actually go out and play, but instead remaining at home ‘cultivating’ my own musical taste and knowledge so that I could later on in life use it to my own benefit, linked to achieving some form of artistic career.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become used to being alone in my TV room, watching videos non-stop, as this was apparently a way to entertain myself in a ‘special way’ as it wasn’t so common for kids my age to be so fond of music, and within that, taking pride in my ‘special fascination’ and using it to build myself as the entire character/ personality of ‘the artist,’ which is nothing else but the perfect brainwashing process that was massively promoted as a way to keep youth absolutely enthralled with entertainment and an apparent point of ‘liberation’ such as what music represented from the second half of the 20th century, wherein I accepted this as a viable way to live in this reality, beginning to take it seriously in terms of building my entire life around music only.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copycat the attitudes and words that I would see rockstars express themselves as, which became my role-model and standard of what I liked and who I wanted to be and become like, which is part of an entire cultural ‘shepherding’ of the youth, as music is certainly another ‘opiate for the masses’ when being linked to the mainstream culture of drugs, sex and rock and roll that became a motto for anyone that had any desire, hope or dream to ‘be free’ in this world – within this


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of music to a form of liberation, as a way to ‘stand out’ in a special place within society, as music artists were able to be absolutely goofy, rebellious, sarcastic, powerful and essentially almost ‘unbeatable’ by so called authorities, which is how I became quite a fan of listening to artists speaking and expressing themselves, learning from that age how I wanted to be and become as an equal expression to that apparent ‘freedom’ that they would present themselves as, never ever knowing the actual business and mechanisms of how the music industry worked, but only seeing the nice pictures and lifestyles that I simply accepted as ‘who and what I want to be and become,’ to the point wherein I made of music my third and last option to dedicate myself to in my life, never even looking at how all three options were just yelling ‘I don’t want to face myself in this world, I don’t want to grow up, I want to follow my dreams and live life on the fast lane.’


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a child, become a sponge of the women in alternative rock while growing up, wherein their entire expression became the ‘what and who I want to be and become,’ wherein the most rebellious ones were the overtly outspoken and ‘challenging’ toward authorities, which is how till this day whenever I see a point of authority such as policemen, politicians or parents, I react in a rather elaborate yet perceptible eccentric behavior, simply because of not wanting to be ‘part of the herd,’ following the usual dreams of becoming doctors or lawyers, but simply becoming a rockstar in any way, which became the driving force for my life as a child.


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately seek to become that which I thought was ‘great’ and ‘unique’ just so that I could justify that I wanted to apparently do whatever I could to achieve my dreams related to the music world, creating relationships with people based on the type of music we’d hear, rejecting people according to the type of music they would listen to, profile someone just by getting to know their musical tastes and such making of music this perfect excuse for me to further upgrade my elitism toward beings and even boast about it because it was apparently quite a great thing to want to be someone ‘special’ in music, only to later on find out how it was all part of the enter-tamement system that we think or believe is ‘the way out of the system,’ without ever considering how this was being the absolute statement of ‘I don’t give a fuck about anything or anyone else, but how I feel’


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in what seemed ‘normal’ and ‘fun’ to do, which is entertaining myself, idolizing people that I was busy absorbing as points that I wanted to be and become in my reality – within this, making of my hobby/ my one point of obsession as my ‘everything’ in my reality, which is how this point of being at home listening to music became an actual obstacle for any usual participation with others, as I would prefer being at home in my own personalized la la land than having to actually ‘deal’ with other kids while playing with them.


I realize that music and the obsession to remain watching and satis-frying myself for it was me being busy creating an energetic relationship that I created from watching music videos, as a sense of comfort and enjoyment from watching beings doing that which ‘I wish I could experience.’ I see how it’s been a background blueprint that I have kept ‘intact’ within my life experience, never seeing how relevant it was for me to even pursue an ‘artistic career’ to be able to re-create this experience I would get from watching music videos – meaning music And Images – as a point that would confirm myself being alone and ‘working alone,’ which was another reason why the artistic career became a nice idea, as I knew I would not have to ‘deal’ that much with people, but only ‘be in tune with my emotions and create’


I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not question my world further than that which I was absolutely hypnotized by, being aware of how I deliberately enclosed myself within music as a way to justify my apparent inability to establish relationships with other beings and as such, using music as a way to further the entire ‘artist personality’ that I Thought I was being acting almost in an innate manner, just because we have not understood how in fact we programmed ourselves in our 7 first years of life, wherein we mostly forget the relationships we create in our mind toward ‘life’/ living’ and within that, acting out upon the information integrated throughout that time, ending up believing that everything we like, prefer and exist as the configuration of ‘who we are’ in our minds is real.

I see, realize and understand how this became part of me actually giving into thinking that no matter what, I had to follow my dreams,which is how I was able to justify me ‘following my dreams’ as a way to evade taking responsibility for anything in this world, as the music-world was all about hoping and dreaming of ‘the world being  a better place’ by standing in a position of opposition with no real tangible considerations that could be of support to really get myself back ‘on Earth’ and ground my life/ living choices to an actual point of self-support, as a realization that this world is myself and that music alone will in no way whatsoever change the world, nor is art or any other single human application for that matter, as what is the key to ‘change the world’ and actually enable each one to have a ‘good life,’ is taking responsibility for the world we have created.


I allowed myself to see the world as ‘too much of a mess to even care considering doing something about it’ which is how the ‘loathing politics’ character came to be, which I can see now how this is a pattern that applies to many millions wherein we are all essentially looking to hit our own ‘jackpot’ in relation to fame and fortune as ‘a way out of the system’ instead of ever really putting 1+1 together and understanding that nothing will change if we don’t actually take responsibility for it.

I see how nothing of what has existed within this world has ever supported the world to change, as we always sought to ‘change others’ instead of changing ourselves, and this is also part of the ignorance that we played out all along, an actual point of missing-information to understand how we create ourselves, why we created ourselves in such a way wherein we gave the entirety of who we are to a single mind-experience that we created as ‘who we are/ what we like/ what we want to be,’ which is like deliberately becoming a drug addict or an alcoholic, give it an acceptable name in society and call that ‘a living,’ never even realizing how our points of ‘enjoyment’ as that ‘positive experience’ represent in fact points of actual abuse that we had ignored up until now.


I realize how I deliberately built my own refugee within the experience that I created toward music, building a specialness-point of escapism and glorifying it to a certain point wherein I believed that all I had ‘eyes and ears to’ was just this tiny bit aspect of this reality as music. I never questioned it, I saw it as ‘normal,’ yet it is only through having walked out of our own blindness within this process that we start seeing how we decided to blind us by the lights of something that would make us feel ‘fine’ all the time, and because it made us ‘feel fine’ we simply continued relying upon it as a ‘genuine enjoyment.’ In this world such forms of enjoyment have become the opium for the masses, it is the new religion and I participate in it actively the moment that I give myself into wanting to experience the same comfort, fascination and rejoice I’d get with music as a child.


There point that makes the difference between me using and abusing myself within any point in this world is the Experience I have built toward it, which is how it is in fact within our childhood that we can see the points of our basic programming, a crucial moment in our lives that we have simply delegated as parents to a single screen to keep the child quiet and busy. Unacceptable.


I commit myself to be part of the TeamLife within this world that promotes an actual education in relation to the importance of a child’s education on their very first 7 years of life, wherein we must ensure that the child is aware of the World as a whole, as an actual physical environment that one can develop a one and one point of familiarization by and through physical activities, promoting activities outdoors and involving physical work, as I see and realize that the moment that we learn to live only through watching screens, we alienate ourselves from the physical reality.

Thus I see that it is of utmost importance to educate ourselves and potential parents to understand the relationship between the physical and the mind to so ensure that we are in fact supporting ourselves as the children of this world that must integrate an equal and one relationship with their environment.


I can see and realize how this relationship was a point that I actually feared to establish, because I became used to the comfort of a couch and TV in front of me, instead of being outside exploring, playing and actually interacting with other kids. Thus it is to realize that TV at the moment for children is more a point of indoctrination into a consumerist lifestyle than providing any supportive information/ support to live –


Policies around parental education and childhood upbringing will be created within the Equal Money System to ensure that we in fact consider the importance of aligning each point in our reality to a best for all outcome, and media is definitely one of them. TV Channels for kids would have to be completely re-analyzed in absolute scrutiny to see all the roles, characters and patterns imprinted within children. And the same way, ensuring that children have proper support from parents at all times when viewing other types of programs that are not ‘child-friendly’ and how to deal with it, which is and will be part of an educational aspect for both parents and children, to ensure no further prohibitions and limitations are created – but instead walking in understanding and realizations based on the principle of What’s Best for All.

Join us : become part of the new foundation for a new world:


Essential Desteni Material out of the Oven at Eqafe:
Life review of a musician:
Life Review – Seeing the Good when only the Bad Prevails
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125. An Alternative Pop Culture Child: raised by MTV



After listening to the interview Life Review – Parent Killed by Child and realizing what I was exposed to in terms of media when I was growing up, I can see how the current state of society is a direct mirror of what we have sown. I would feel ‘proud’ of myself for liking things that were not usual for a kid yet were highly charged with a sense of rebellion that I mistook for freedom. And this escapism becomes another way to get high without any drugs. That escapism as an ‘alternative lifestyle’ that I pursued was founded upon realizing the many things that were apparently fucked up in our lives – however, no one really had a clue other than blow the absurdity out of proportion, which became part of the every day influences I grew up with when watching early on Latin American MTV, which was pretty hardcore for a girl 7 years old to watch. I realized that I was making myself ‘strong’ by handling a certain type of music, by being fascinated by visuals that would usually seem morbid and disturbing to others, and this became part of my 6 hours that I would spend in front of the TV – from the time I’d get from school till  I would go to bed. I mean, how can this be ignored in my formative years? I grew up being the perfect A student that would make the homework sitting on a couch in front of the TV listening to Nirvana, Stone Temple Pilots and shows like Head Banger’s ball from which I certainly created my epic stereotype of male that I would certainly fall for flat on my face for. It was all just programming.


However the experience that I would get from watching music videos all the time – I was literally in a Non-Stop mode watching music videos. At that time I would not play, it was just going to school and being home with ‘my MTV’ while kids my age were most certainly watching cartoons. I’ve taken a form of ‘pride’ on that, but it also lead me to ‘grow up’ much faster for I was exposed to sexual content that at that time – almost holy fucking 18 years ago – the hottest thing you’d watch was Madonna’s Erotica or Justify My Love- and then came the hardcore stuff like the legendary banned ‘Smack my bitch up’ by Prodigy. Now, I never talked about this obviously – In SRA a couple of years ago I even walked an entire music video that seemed to define my entire visual aspect of sexual relationshipsLakini’s  Juice by the band Live and what I’m aiming at there is how we as kids get exposed to all type of things that we have to ‘kind of make our minds about it.’ I deliberately made me apparently an ‘open minded’ person through the visual contents I’d feed myself with on a daily basis – and hearing to songs like All Day I Dream About Sex and simply linking this entire sexually charged type of content with the world of rockstars, drugs, partying as the ‘alternative way of living’ became like ‘my dream’ to live up to. Obviously, the dream I was simply being presented as ‘the way to go/ follow through’ if I wanted to be ‘as free’ as such rockstars looked at that time – do not ask how they are or what they’ve done with their lives almost 20 years later….


And this is how we program ourselves, this is what I wanted to get to because I see that I programmed myself with such an intensity throughout the years from 7 till let’s say 14 with constant literal obsession and fascination for music videos that I cannot possibly make as if ‘I am done with that,’ No way – I still find myself with an open mound hearing people that changed my way of looking at life and reality even if I didn’t consider it as such at the time – and this is where Marilyn Manson comes in, wherein I was deeply caught in the ‘I want to believe in God’ aspect because of my spiritualist beliefs of god, brotherhoods, channels and ‘protection’ while having people like Manson simply shaking the foundation of morality with another show. Yes, in the end it’s all shows, but the point here is how I built myself according to such show and to what extent the good feeling experience when watching someone playing music on stage from that time still gives me an energetic experience that indicates the point is not yet walked – and this is because it’s one of those things that one would rather just not talk about because it actually still fascinates me, which I found interesting how many other points I can see I’ve walked an actual point until there is no further reactions, but when it comes to my relationship with music years ago and the visual aspect of it all – which was certainly part of the non-conscious influence for me to become an artist/ pursue an artistic career – well… now that I look at it


When I was a child I wouldn’t play the regular seek and hide games, we would play to be  ‘stars’ wherein me and my sisters would sing songs from our favorite artists. Our parents would record the whole thing and there you go, several tapes with us dancing and singing around in flamboyant clothes – at least in my case, lol. And so the imprint of the ‘who do you want to be when you grow up’ even at that age, as early as 3 years old I wanted to be an artist/ singer/ musician, which is no different to what other million kids want to be and become, really.

So, what happens when you have millions of kids growing up with this idea and desire to ‘become famous’ to ‘hit the jackpot’ and suddenly being impulsed to be ‘the next great thing’? You have a perfect world enter-tamed by an industry that is called ‘Music Industry’  wherein we all believed ourselves to be a bunch of rebels for liking music, bashing ‘mainstream pop culture’ while digging further into ways to further separate ourselves from ‘the herd,’ which is how subcultures are born and upgraded tastes in literature, films, music and any other human expression that we can consider as ‘rad’ which is what contemporary art is all about, an absurd look into society.


I would mostly get fascinated by any and all stereotypes of people that would mean revolution, rebellion, antagonism, opposition, ridicule and satire of our world. I can say that who I am became the mix of the words and strength that  I attempted to become as a force that could antagonize the entire ‘mainstream world’ in an apparent defense for life, but it was never really life, it was just glorifying a more apparently ‘free’ type of lifestyle wherein the cookie-cutter archetypes were busy being eaten by  the need to upgrade an entire generation of people that has simply left a space for even more ‘racy’ things to watch everyday. I was amazed when I got an explanation of what Anime is and portrays as I had no idea such things existed –  ‘hard core soft porn’ for kids made cartoon and that’s what your kid watches while you have to go to work to make a living, or even worse when you rather talk with friends on the phone while leaving kids in front of the TV, not knowing what the hell they are in fact imprinting and absorbing like a sponge from the TV.


It is not a mystery that this is how I got to learn English: all blame it on MTV and I can even remember asking my teachers about translating lyrics from songs like Seether by Veruca Salt, which was also a shocking video for a 7 year old, seeing women kissing, dogs eating food from open dolls and a general world of the bizarre music archive of the middle of the 90’s. If we dare to look at MTV now, you got programs talking about teenagers getting pregnant, teenagers trying to live the lives of rich and famous, teenagers working in reality tv shows that have become the new soap operas that get the most rating according to the level of stupidity that can be captured in a camera. This goes along with the multiple ‘houses of the famous people’ that you get to see, teenagers having boob and lip jobs, people being obsessed with self-image, dating or any other apparent ‘typical teenager problem,’ without understanding how kids grow up with such influence and simply copy the patterns of what ‘sells well’ which includes a sexually-oriented self-image/ obsession with sex, relationships, dramatic reactions and emotional tantrums that seem to get the most condescendence from people – an exorbitant injection of desire for power as the usual sex, drugs and rock and roll which becomes the holy religion of an entire generation that grew up, just like me: watching MTV and desiring to have that type of lifestyle.


Now,  the ‘boom’ became even more when cable TV became a normal thing in most of the countries also around 96/ 97 when the internet started becoming an actual ‘boom’ here in Latin America. It’s fascinating to see how I have been ‘present’ throughout those changes and have also walked the entire point of relationships with people online becoming nothing else but perfect mindfucks of idealized versions of what flesh and bone communication can be about. People that you spend hours talking to but will never meet, they know a lot about you just the same way that they can read a book. And that’s it, our sickly sweet accepted and allowed ‘popular culture’ that has become the breeding ground for anything that you can point out as a ‘problem’ in kids age 7 and onward up until 21 years old, when everything you have absorbed, you simply start playing out as ‘who you are,’ getting heavily lost within it all if no support or actual communication about the actual nature and starting point of everything we have consumed ourselves with, which in my case was music and music videos.


So, I could go on and on writing about this, because I was literally training myself to be able to write reviews for music albums and be an ‘alternative music encyclopedia’ when ‘I grow up,’ yet I didn’t do it and instead even pursued my own ‘artistic career’ in the realm of plastic arts – in the end, I did walk my own accepted and allowed script of ‘becoming an artist.’ And I see how music in my case was the perfect trap that I could have certainly remained easily duped by for a long time, if it wasn’t about me taking it on as part of my process to actually see how I had created this entire ‘Escapist/Rebellious’ personality when and while listening to music, the very idea of going to a concert, the compulsory consumerism toward music magazines and cd’s – at that time. All of it part of my main distraction that I would sometimes mix with watching TV series and CNN later on, always smelling that ‘there was something profoundly wrong’ but not being able to point it out with my finger, and when listening to musicians speak many of them became my inspiration to speak up as well, but I just didn’t know where or how to do so. Thus I accepted the closest reference I had of ‘challenging the accepted norms’ and I know that I have been some type of ‘dissident’ my whole life, yet being quite profoundly fond of the rather disturbing and morally-challenging type of stuff, which entails one single thing:  there was a deep sense of gratification with it, as I would not consider at all a ‘better world’ in that moment. I was essentially giving myself up to live a life of opposition, rebellion and antagonism toward ‘the establishment’ because after all, that’s all I learned from musicians challenging the lives of people – all really just another type of soup to give to the necessary opposition within a system, to really make it all look as if we had any say within our lives, to really make it look as if we could choose what is ‘best for every one’ – yet holding on to our personal fetishism that we all know exists because we got a reference to it in one way or another.


Thus the influence on kids from the media and being the brewing ground for perfect ‘disobedient beings’ is being paid for by you and me on the current programming we get on Media. Hence there is No Real Opposition at all, it’s just another show and façade that we believed was ‘superior’ in our minds, just for the shock value it represents – but that’s about it. I would often become disappointed of my so-called ‘heroes’ when and while I was going through puberty and seeing them all essentially decay, subsumed by their own wishes to rebel and ending up consumed by the drugs, alcohol and unsettling type of lifestyle they end up living, which is of people now in their 40’s and 50’s that I used to admire almost 20 years ago, while being a kid.


Now, what do I want for kids in this world? Certainly not to be exposed to all types of stuff and toys in and of the world without being able to communicate effectively what a ‘character role-playing’ this world within and as fun and games actually is. I mean, just observe hide and seek, the entire adrenaline rush coming from the actual fear of being caught hiding, I would sometimes almost pee my pants for that, as well as being locked up in places just to make a moment of fun for others trying to make me believe of magic witch tricks that I simply kept being fascinated to know about while growing up I mean, did anyone really ever consider to what extent we become that which we program ourselves with in our immediate environment? This is actually quite a cool point, as it reveals how it’s not so much about what stuff you may watch on tv, but the communication you may have or not have with your parents.


Parenting is the most important job in the world at the moment and it is the point wherein we are lacking heaps of self-support to be walked to in self-agreement, wherein you and I can ensure that we bring children into this world that Can discern between reality and fantasy, that can discern between role-playing games with costumes and every day living reality wherein self-responsibility cannot ever really be avoided for life, but instead develop a physical relationship to ‘playing’ instead of just worshipping those that instigate the type of characters like ‘follow your dreams, don’t give up  – and what did I became?  A very fond girl of just cultivating my own ‘alternative lifestyle dream’ as the result of having decided to give up on this world and as such, only seeking to ‘make most of it.’ I became deliberately evasive to add fuel to my ‘tortured soul’ type of personality – and through this old, music was the soundtrack, I certainly would not want a child to do as I did, as that can certainly lead you to be the perfect drone on Earth, an aloof individual essentially just waiting to die and get some fun in the meantime.


The insanity that we have blamed the media for what we have become is really only our reflection. And at all times, the support of a parent in order to assess the contents, events, experiences that one will handle through life must be walked by the hand of the parent, as it is clear how the greatest point missed within this is the education that parents and anyone that is aiming at being a parent must consider as a basic point of support to ourselves as children.


Investigate Desteni  and the Desteni I Process wherein we walk a process of Self-Forgiveness to realize How we can practically become beings that always do/ say / think what is best for all life. Check out Neighborism to walk a living process to stop the old ways in order for the new to emerge.

Desteni Forum to support yourself to identify the characters and copycats we’ve reduced ourselves to be and become and this way, learn how to live.

Equal Money System: we won’t require to accumulate people being fascinated with ‘being famous’ as all will act and live according to that which can ensure a legal life of over-excitement and rebellion. Time to consider a new way of living out of the usual schemes we have secluded ourselves in within our little bubbles of consumerism and pursuit of happiness.


A Life in Equality is yet to be known on Earth.We are walking the process as it.

7 Year Journey to Life is the key to step out of this brainwashing machine we have locked up ourselves into.



Interview that allowed me to open up this point among other considerations in our current world:


Blogs that review the Bizarre Oddity we have become:


“Thus, for most part – what defines a MAIN character/personality is all the sub-characters/personalities that is accumulated within it throughout one’s life, as the MAIN character/personality’s process of evolution, in developing/constructing/manifesting ways in which it can evolve as ensuring its survival and eventual materialization of the origin as the purpose of its existence: the want, need and desire that activated it in the first place.” – Sunette Spies

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