‘I couldn’t care less’ and ‘I don’t care’ – who am I within this as a thought pattern that makes me care-less? This is been an ongoing pattern for over a year, actually almost two years now wherein due to not being having and having slowed myself down within participating in the usual pressures to ‘do excel’ in school and existing in such survival mode in terms of consequences in numerical values if work was not delivered or not done at all, I went into the opposite and became rather careless in a way wherein I would not really ‘fear’ the consequences any longer which would still manifest quite an accumulation of tasks. such as the ones I have at the moment.
The word carelessness represents this specific relationship that I had lived as before in relation to all points of responsibility, wherein I would mostly do things out of self-created pressure – ultimately fear of not making it/ survival mode – and once I started becoming more and more ‘lax’ in school and everything as the nature of my studies became more lax themselves, I created this carelessness point wherein I stopped pushing myself to direct myself as effectively as I used to do before when my motivation was fear, which proves the point that we read today on how we have all become addicted to fear as a movement instigator, which is how we have turned it into a positive thing when saying that Money moves us – but in fact it is the fear of Not having money the one that moves us – yet, as always, we rather look at the ‘positive side’ and not seeing the actual reality for what it is.
It is fascinating how I simply cannot lie to myself when developing a self-honest communication wherein the word is pointing me out exactly what I have been trying to suppress and apparently saw as ‘not important’ to write about, yet it is consuming my being and keeping me in the conscious mind as points accumulate and then there’s this laxity and ‘carelessness’ wherein I have gone to an extreme opposite of how I used to live in the past, wherein I would be in constant strain and anxiety to ‘get things done.’ Now I’m in the middle unacceptable road as whenever I place myself to do something within a self-directive manner, I get it done until it is done – yet whenever I allow myself to walk the middle-road = I don’t do things, I leave them hanging by the half and go into this ‘carelessness’ mode wherein I simply cover up the remaining ‘task to be done’ as some form of idleness in laxity, meaning, it is still there but masked/ shifted in a way wherein the thought of anxiety is transmuted as an ‘everything’s gonna be alright’ – no wonder I’ve held such backchat toward Bob Marley and that three little birds song that I had to learn when I was in primary school, it sounded so ridiculously optimistic to me that I developed this aversion toward the single sentence ‘Don’t worry about a thing, ‘cause every little thing’s gonna be alright’ or something around there – not realizing that this has become an actual mantra in my head whenever I allow things to just go by and in my journey to step down from this hyper-apprehensive person I created within myself this point of extreme ‘confidence’ that is merely intention and knowledge based, without any actual substance/ work to be so sure about it.
So, I masked this carelessness point to think that ‘is alright,’ when I am in fact accumulating work without getting it done, wherein I justify the fact that I have been able to always ‘pull everything out alright’ in the past and becoming too apprehensive, stressed, nervous and in a constant state of fear to do so, thus using the past a a way to move myself here, which is in no way acceptable, I cannot direct myself according to ‘who I was in the past’ as a way to reference myself here. I see that’s been the most ‘clash’ wherein because I had tried to let go of this apprehensive personality, I went into another personality as laxity, just wanting to test out what it was to just not do the homework and see what would happen – fucked up self-sabotage, as it’s not about now stopping being responsible due to the extensive self-definition I had lived as an energetic personality, but to become self-directive which I have proven to myself I am able to be and become when decisions are made – however when I accept and allow any form of ‘leeway’ within me, that’s when ‘shit hits the fan’ as I stand in a quicksand middle ground of no self-direction and only allowing the days go by and leaving points half-way done. Yikes
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the past as an excuse to not move, wherein I simply become part of the old world that is perpetuated in our every day living actions within this world, which are exactly the type of attitudes that have driven ourselves to the current experiences that we have in relation to being in an absolute zombie mode and only being driven by that which entails highly-rewarded activities and only moving when there is energy-reward/ compensation/ remuneration involved, instead of realizing that within a world in equality the only point of motivation is self-here as breath, wherein within that realization I see and understand that everything I do is as a self-willed movement is one plus point to the creation go a world that is no longer profit/ energy driven, but self-willed at al times.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see ‘carelessness’ as an actual state of being wherein I apparently ‘don’t care’ about consequences and outflows of my own procrastination, when in fact, it is just another way to mask it as it all being ‘alright’ while compounding actual stress, fears and anxiety that I simply wash down through going into the carelessness-mode where I am not in fact being self directive, but only using a no-reaction mode in order to believe that ‘everything will be just fine’ and that I will be able to pull-through it based on the past and my experiences to always ‘get it done’ without realizing that I cannot possibly base the who I am in every moment based on the past of having just walked through the points that must be done, and ‘get away with it’ as in everything turning out ‘alright,’ while in fact this indicates that I am conditioning myself based on the ‘who I was’ in the past which is in no way a self-directive decision, at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having created a pattern of going to the opposite after having lived a life of extreme apprehension to ‘get things done/ get assignments done’ and always having to excel and be on time, whereas from the past years that this energetic drive has receded, I have now gone to the extreme opposite of apparently ‘not caring’ to excel and always be ‘perfect,’ which is just another self-sabotage mechanism as I am not being self-directive at all within this, but only justifying my previous energetic drive to always ‘have everything done on time’ and always doing works and projects and label myself as a responsible person, to the point where I have now that I am not apparently ‘fearing’ I have only transmuted that fear of the consequences for me not being diligent in my tasks and have made it ‘alright’ as an excuse that ‘I had been so apprehensive my entire life that I required a break’ – yet that ‘break’ is not going into the opposite and stop caring to continue being responsible and use bullshit justifications as to why I am not moving, and instead realize that Because I am stopping self-motivation through energy/ mostly fear of getting a bad grade/ not being able to have proper credits in my school, it doesn’t imply that I then have ‘no motivation’ to do it, as this is now all about Self-Movement wherein I have seen the result of there being ‘no drive’ as an energetic drive – thus believing that something/ someone will push me to do it, which is absolutely unacceptable and a total victimization wherein I am trying to justify actual procrastination in the name of ‘healing myself from the past’ of worry, anxiety and apprehension toward all assignments and work to do, without realizing that it is only a mind justification that is in no way valid as there is no excuse that is valid when it comes to Self-Movement, as I am the only one that bears the consequences and the only one that is able to change that pattern.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be consuming my being without actually Caring enough to see that I am simply making it all ‘alright’ and creating a point of extreme laxity wherein because I am no longer driven by the effect of fear of not getting something done, there is simply ‘nothing’ threatening me which is exactly the type of conditioning that I have accepted and allowed in this world as a point of motivation wherein
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be playing out precisely the point of ‘Lack of Self-Motivation’ that most people complain about within the Equal Money System presentation, wherein because there is no Fear as Fear of Survival that drives the human being to act, work to be part of a giving and receiving society/group as humanity, everyone asks ‘what will be the point of motivation within the Equal Money System?’ and in that, realizing that the motivation given by earning money/ making profit out of any activity is in fact the fear of survival/ not having enough money that is driving everyone currently to keep going within this system – this implies that in my case, as I am not being threatened to life to do what I have to do, I am in fact only allowing myself to confirm that I have been an organic robot that can only function based on fear as a crutch to move and use it as a motivation, which is unacceptable as I am in fact recreating the patterns of the old world wherein nothing moves if there is no money/ energy incentive as motivation.
I realize that in this point in my process, there will be Nothing moving if I don’t move and this has been the starting point of me having continued writing after a long hiatus – or intermittent participation in writing – in the past wherein the very act of writing had become the same point of ‘idleness’ wherein If I didn’t move, I obviously would remain in that comfort of ‘nothing happens,’ when in fact I actually simply let it all go-by and not take the moment to write myself because I believed that it was all ‘just fine’ – which is one of the greatest lies that we have all, collectively as humanity, accepted and allowed as a way to avoid facing the real responsibility that is required to take on in this world, and I realize that if I continue in this laxity and apparent ‘carelessness’ in this aspect of my direct participation in an outcome that is part of a collective effort, I am being the one point that along with many other points add up to the queues of ‘carelessness’ wherein we rather focus on something else and outside of ourselves, instead of absolutely giving myself the time to focus on my own process of self directive and self willed movement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only make everything within my world being ‘alright’ because there is no fear involved driving me to do things – but that it is thus the specific moment wherein I must step outside of ‘the zone’ that I had been specifically warned about, and realizing that Nothing will truly move if I don’t move’ – and this applies to every single aspect that I move myself in, wherein I am not being as self-directive in all areas of my every day living.
When and as I see myself going into the thinking pattern of ‘it’s fine, I’ve got time, there’s no need to rush, take it easy, everything will turn out to be fine’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is exactly the type of thinking patterns that I have used as a justification to not move and remain in idleness while holding a belief that somehow I will do it eventually which is an absolute time-trap that I have built within myself, wherein I am only procrastinating my own correction within self-movement as an equally-applied point in my reality
I direct myself to stop creating differences of my application according to what the task is and what is the task for, wherein I stop valuing my self-movement and direction and placing toward that which I have placed as ‘more important’ in my mind, yet not realizing that all points that I have directed myself to participate in are equally important. Thus, what we are here to do is realizing that the reality that I have built for myself as my own life and my world has been that of ‘waiting’ and ‘hoping’ that something will ‘move me’ and only moving if fear of survival/ fear of loss is involved – which implies that I have been proving myself to be a conditioned organic robot to only function based on fear and the stress of a life-threatening application, which is the base foundation of the entire current system wherein we are all just moving and chasing after because we have accepted and allowed the fact that if you don’t work = you don’t earn money – therefore you die as the fuzzy logic system that instills fear and a life-threat in order to cause movement. This implies that
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in my life I had never in fact being a Self-responsible person and actually moving by my own will, as I have simply driven myself through and by energy as fear, life-threats that are not ‘spoken’ but simply known and accepted as such, because of believing that ‘this is how the world works.’ Thus, the moment that I accepted and allow myself to require a point of motivation I can see that I am not being self-directive and self-willed at all, but that I am only adding one point to the entire fear-fueled reality that only moves according to the amount of life threats that we can receive in order to get things done.
I forgive myself that I have abdicated my power to move in every moment of breath to the mind as the pattern of ‘carelessness’ wherein I am constantly shifting myself to ‘do something else’ instead of focusing on my own tasks and assignments that must get done by me-moving-myself as a self-willed movement that I realize, see and understand won’t come by ‘a magic wand’ but require actual self-movement, self-direction and within this
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be in ‘all places’ at all times, pushing for a point of moving ‘faster’ yet missing out the point that this existence moves at the pace of breath, wherein rushing and trying to speed up any form of process is just a waste of time, actually, as this process won’t get ‘done faster’ unless I become that point that proves to myself that the actual way to walk this is in every moment of breath that I Direct myself to a best for all outcome, which implies also dedicating myself to Move myself, to see for myself and actually create a point within my living pattern of Not requiring energy to move – in this, being an actual part of the solution that understands what it means to will ourselves to move without requiring threats and/or emotional blackmail to move myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the point of others promoting ‘positivity’ as laxity and carelessness while believing that ‘everything will be alright’ while in fact, I am living by that which I ‘loathe’ which is washing it all down as ‘there’s not a problem, it should be fine’ instead of actually investigating in the moment what is it that I am in fact suppressing and making it ‘alright’ to not have to face the actual point of change as self-movement, which implies that we only project onto others that which is deeply ingrained within ourselves. Therefore, I take self responsibility to ensure that I stop all forms of delusional expectations on something ‘working out just fine’ after a while out of nowhere, instead of seeing and realizing that this process requires my every-breath direct participation in the construction of a world that is certainly self-directive and self-willed wherein we can prove that we can stop being slaves to become equal self-directive free beings, that do not require a shackle and whipping to move, but that we can simply direct ourselves to just do it.
I commit myself to become the self-directive point in every moment that I see myself deviating into doing ‘something else’ other than what I see is priority within my own process, which implies that I must establish the point of self-movement as self-motivation without any form of fear or life threat as an instigator for such movement, but I realize that nothing will change and nothing will move If I don’t change and if I don’t move – which I now realize are the most important aspects that I have to direct within my every day living, to prove that we as human beings can actually motivate ourselves and move ourselves in the name of our own self-support as life, wherein we stop seeking for an energetic ‘high’ of getting something done, accomplishing something in separation of ourselves, but instead walk the necessary actual application to get things done for/ by / as a Living Principle – which is living life in a self-directive mode instead of being fueled by positive and negative experience as a motivation, which resulted in the current world where we live in extreme greed and extreme fears alike.
I commit myself to get my shit together and establish and actual self-direction in my world wherein I stop wavering and riding the waves of ‘It’s alright, it’s okay, I’ll get it done somehow and someway’ which is a constant point as ‘carelessness’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to become, wherein I am in fact delegating my power away, the power that exists here as every breath, and using my time and space to divert my attention from what requires to be directed, which means that I have to stop the patterns of procrastination by masking it with ‘overcoming a previous life pattern of apprehension, worry and concern’ to always get things done, which is in fact self-manipulation to excuse my actual lack of self-movement, which I then become rather cynical about in terms of realizing that ‘yes, I didn’t move’ and not walking a practical solution to Move and Direct myself to get my tasks/ work done.
I commit myself to stop every moment that I go into the same laxity and carelessness and making something ‘alright’ without further investigation if there is actually something hiding behind that ‘carelessness’ due to washing down the energetic movement that arises and that I simply transmute into another experience which is also energetically based as ‘laxity’ and ‘carelessness’ – which implies that I must stop and breathe in every moment to see where I am allowing myself to ‘flow toward’ and not be self-directive in every moment, as I see and realize that it is in these seemingly ‘small fleeting moments’ that I actually walk away from self-direction and enter into ‘the zone’ of riding the waves of going into any point that ‘comes to me’ and ‘emerges’ instead of me directing myself toward it as a self-directive move and principle.
I commit myself to stop the ‘carelessness’ attitude and laxity and instead, move myself as self-care wherein I make sure I walk my own process instead of being constantly shifting myself out of HERE in order to go and ‘do something else’ other than the obvious points that require direction which can be directed in a single moment of breath and actual physical move wherein I see myself as the only point of motivation required to do so, as an actual motility instead of only thinking about it – I move myself as an actual physical movement to do so and in that, stop procrastinating self-movement into an energetic-driven reality.
“If I don’t change, If I don’t move
Nothing will change and Nothing will move”
– Anu from the Hereness of reality.[*]