Tag Archives: laziness

458. Physical Support: Sharing Feedback

Or What have I been focusing on in relation to assisting and supporting my physical body?

I realize that I have not yet shared some of the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points (according to my mind) that I do test out and apply in my day to day related to physical movement and support.

There’s so much understanding about who we are in our minds and how we essentially handicap ourselves through experiences that we accept and allow, that essentially we can challenge ourselves in every move, as minute as it can be, and testing this out in terms of how much we limit ourselves in our self-movement for example based on notions of tiredness, or plain laziness as in ‘leaving something for later’ when in fact, who we are as the body is always ‘ready’ and ‘stable’ and ‘running’ as in being processing and living, doing all we need to keep ourselves alive, while we are at a conscious level very unaware of it all.  I’ve taken so much of my body for granted for a long time and I am becoming more inclined to focus more on it, considering that I am one of those persons that believes ‘I am not in contact with my body’ or ‘cannot perceive the changes that food creates in it’ or ‘can’t identify the state in which my body is’ – but, lately, this has been changing bit by bit.

I’ll share some examples of testing things out more at a physical level in terms of physical support. I’ve  challenged myself for now over a year and a half to start jogging, which is something I truly thought I was just not meant to do/not capable of doing at all, and I did the whole thing of starting small, bit by bit building the condition, the consistency, the direction that is required to also get to jog which is early in the morning which means creating a discipline to wake up early and start exercising and being directive instead of giving into ‘tiredness’ or just plain laziness.  One thing I’ve recently noticed is that I had wanted my condition to develop ‘faster’ like not getting tired at all while jogging, or not getting any muscle pains after jogging or exercising – but this still comes up and in referencing these points, there is this patience that exists in developing a condition, not ‘waiting’ for a particular experience at some point around it, but just doing it, while also keeping an eye on how my body goes responding to it.

And I have been testing many things on how my body fluctuates in this condition based on ‘the time of the month’ and based on the foods that I take, based on the amount of sleep, shoes, weather… lots of things that can create a variable in my experience when exercising, though I did notice that I had been too ‘pushy’ at times with doing it every single day and even if noticing that maybe I’d like some ‘day off’ in some periods of time, I just didn’t give myself/my body this time off and so what started happening recently is that my ‘time frame’ of jogging became more, meaning I was going slower and having more and more pains in the body therefore feeling the whole jog time as a really ‘hard time.’

After I reference this experience, I realized I did ‘kind of knew’ deep inside me that: hey maybe you have to slow down a bit with doing this every single day and instead give the body a rest – but here, I imposed my discipline (my mind) upon my body in this idea that I had to do it ‘every single day’, which means I wasn’t really listening to the pain in the body related to ‘doing it every day’ and considering a more supportive schedule for it.

So, I cross-referenced this and got to consider not doing it ‘every day’ but one day jogging and one day off and so forth – and I got to see the difference quite noticeably which was a very cool lesson here to see how yes my body stands as that resilience, that ability to ‘keep going’ but, I also have to stand as that  equilibrium, that ‘measure’ where I don’t push myself ‘more’ than what I can physically stand and so also listening to/considering my physical body in this, which in my case and my physical body means not ‘overdoing’ something to follow my mind’s notion of discipline, but to Listen to my body as well and not take the pains as just something that ‘will always be there.’ And this is just the beginning of this process of re-adjusting ‘my ways’ imposed to exercising, but decided to share so as to not wait until I have walked this point for another year and a half to share the results, because I had not even shared in a blog about this process of starting to jog for the first time as part of a daily exercise routine which I still have to normalize in terms of the recent discoveries around it. Possibly one day jogging, the other day just stretching and or resting completely and then jogging again the next day, will see.

Here, it might seem ‘easy’ for anyone familiar with exercise or sports to make a decision like this, but to me, I always ‘disliked’ sports and jogging around was like a penitence in school, so it’s been definitely awesome to see how I can stand as a point of self-movement and actually MOVE as my body, to persevere in that decision as well that I’ve made which I of course have to admit hasn’t always been ‘immovable’  as there’s been full weeks I haven’t gotten to do the jogging wherein the reason can vary – the time of the month, some minor physical discomfort, ‘being more tired’ which has to do with the mind entirely and so sorting that aspect out –  but I also don’t judge myself because that only creates a pit of regret of which is difficult to step out, but instead simply make a clear decision at night ‘going at it again tomorrow’ and so, live the words: do the waking up in the morning, start with stretching and then off we go to the track in the park. This is one seemingly simple ‘discipline’ but, it has assisted me quite a bit with pushing my own beliefs and boundaries on having a ‘bad condition’ or ‘not the kind of body that is suitable for running’ or ‘having a weak heart’ and all sorts of beliefs I also contributed to build throughout my life, which I mostly fueled in order to escape physical education class lol, and other social situations like going to hikings and things like that because I believed I would not be able to endure it, which was yes also a case but probably had to do with developmental years or something.

So, this has been also a process of testing out my ‘endurance’ in my body. I also continue to test out what foods work for my body, and definitely more than interested to learn to read my body more, to become more physically aware because I had neglected myself quite a lot in giving more value to the mind and not at all to myself, my body, the substance that is here as this whole ‘thing’ that allows me to breathe, live and be here, that one constant ‘companion’ as me that continues to stand and breathe and do all of its processes regardless of how I might feel in my head… and this is something to acknowledge and honor as the physical body and so, it’s been a commitment for me to not follow the usual trends where people ‘grow older’ and start also growing bigger, but instead to challenge that to a point that is suitable for my body and within this learning to honor and care for my body, not for appearance sake, but to be ‘fit’ as in functional, in good health and condition which is an inner and outer process that I can give to myself and can relate to the time and process it takes to cook meals for myself that I can enjoy, that I can also do for my partner and both have been paying a lot more attention to this whole health aspect for the sake of considering our physical body, which has been very supportive.  I see this as a ‘no brainer’ to focus on as well in my day to day living.

Another point we’ve been testing for probably half a year now is to massage every day, yep! I always saw this as impossible like ‘yeah come on, how can that be done!’ but fortunately my partner is quite the diligent man when he proposes to do something, so he’s been quite directive in this mutual support and making the schedule/time for it, even in times when it’s been one of those ‘long days’ we might shorten it to a back massage instead of a full body massage, but needless to say that this is also a daily test for me to see ‘who am I’ and ‘Where am I’ while massaging and it’s been really great to see how there was a ton of resistances to move to do the massage, of course! We like to receive isn’t it? But when it came to me, man, I did have to push myself until we continued to discuss this presence that we have to be and stand as while massaging, not focusing on ‘something else’ but moving, moving as the body, as that support that we want to give to ourselves as each other. So, this consistency in daily massage has been yet another awesome physical point of support to develop consistency, to the point where it is only now I’d say becoming a lot more physical and ‘natural’ if you will to do so, to make it part of the routine of the day which also proves that doing/building/creating something in physical reality and making it ‘the new me’ as ‘our new nature’ takes time.

Massaging has also been extremely supportive in terms of the relationship, having that moment to come together and assist our physical bodies and definitely has assisted in those days as well where there were moments of disagreements or misunderstandings where that becomes the physical point of confronting each other and in essence walk a forgiveness and laying out things clear while massaging and wrapping up the day in that decision to support each other in the massage. It has also been a great way to initiate sex as well, which I’ve also found out many times I still get the notion of ‘naaah not now’ but I also then have been testing this point of physically moving, physically making that decision to express and voilà, it works, absolutely. And these thus have been moments where I have been definitely applying myself in deciding ‘who am I’ in these very physical activities that I would usually as per habit  still bring some laziness or procrastination around it.

So these things are one of the more ‘physical’ aspects in my process yet have had a clear support to myself, my body and in this case my relationship as well since we are both on the same track when it comes to assisting our bodies, learning how to eat better and I have to say that I have learned a lot from his consistency and diligence in his own routines and ways, which I take as an example to do the same and stand equal to what I see he’s being capable of following through with. So, it’s a great set of pointers to integrate to one’s relationship as well, physical activities and physical body care, along with obviously the mind processing that goes with it, very, very fulfilling and assisting ‘real time’ with real challenges that sure, can be met with ‘resistance’ initially but the trick is to keep breathing, keep ‘going’ and that’s where I’ve seen how I can stand as these words that the physical body represents to me, which is for now very much geared in this self-movement and pushing some previously-imposed boundaries/limitations onto myself and so my body.  This awareness and process at a physical level is also only one of the outflows of walking the Desteni Process where one does not only integrate realizations at a mind level, but is then able to live them through at a physical level in the seemingly ‘small details’ of our day to day lives. I’m forever grateful to have done this rotund change in my ‘lifestyle’ with this process Sonrisa

Thanks for reading.  

 

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186.Physical Pains: I Did it to Myself

Physical Dimension – Procrastination Character – Pains and discomfort at a physical level – Part 1

 

I am about to open up my document and suddenly my eyes begin feeling a tad heavy, like I suddenly want to sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience my eyes going heavy and suddenly feeling overall sleepy and wanting to go to bed/ rest the moment that I am opening my folder with the written document that I have to work with – wherein I have become possessed by the belief of me being ‘tired’ to do this, wanting to ‘rest for a while’ to continue, without realizing that there is no possible way to be tired as it is only the middle of the day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of me wanting to sleep/ being tired from last night as an excuse to not get into the writing due to my eyes feeling sore, without realizing that this is part of the physical possession that I have created along with the backchat and resistances to write.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must close my eyes for a moment before getting to the writing because I am apparently ‘tired’ which is not really so, it is physical consequence of me having participated extensively in procrastinating whenever I would get myself to the point of ‘going to write the document’ and simply ending up not doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my eyes cannot be open one more second and believe that I cannot possibly continue, without realizing that my eyes are perfectly ‘okay’ no matter how long I stare at a screen, thus the discomfort is part of the self-created burden/ tiredness and pain and discomfort in order to not direct myself to do what I have to do, which is the physical point of transcending the energetic experience at a physical level as a physical consequence of what I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in within procrastination.

When and as I see myself having my eyes going heavy and dry and suddenly wanting to close my eyes and doze off for a moment – I stop, I take deep breath and I realize that I cannot possibly be tired and that this is only an excuse that I have created at a physical level in order to not get to this point of writing the document, which is how I see that the friction and conflict and background ‘worry’ that I have created as procrastination, generates or I generate within me a desire to simply ‘sleep it off’ to then forget about me directing this point in the moment, as I see and realize that it is in the best interest of the mind as myself to continue existing within this procrastination character to in fact always remain bound to this One Point that I have to do, which is what has been preventing me from being absolutely here in every moment of breath as a self directive being.

I realize that the desire to sleep has become a way for me to escape responsibilities wherein I trick myself within the belief that ‘I am too tired for this’ and that I cannot possibly continue, wherein I have actually tested out last night how it is a matter of breathing through the experience, even going out to take some fresh oxygen/ air and then continue working on whatever task I am focusing on.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel the upper side of my back going heavy and my head becoming ‘cloudy’ the moment that I am sifting through the documents to open the latest version of the writing and going into a slight experience of anxiety because of realizing that I have to go through it all over again and read and write and correct it.

When and as I see myself experiencing anxiety as the rush to open up the document within the starting point of wanting to ‘get over with it’ for once and for all, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to breathe here in every moment through and while things are being done/ moved and in this case me going through the documents in order to open up the writing document, and also within this, realize that the overwhelming experience of it being ‘too much to go through’ at once creates the anxiety due to ‘not having enough time’ which is only a self-imposed limitation to not work on it in the moment.

When and as I see myself becoming impatient while going through the documents to open it up and wanting to skip-read throughout it, I stop and I breathe – I realize that being here as the physical requires no rushing as there is no deadline to ‘match’ but it is only my self-imposed rush as the result of having procrastinated the point for far too long wherein I am attempting to ‘make up for it’ in one go, which is not impossible – yet not preferred as I realize that I would be dishonest to myself if I just complete this task to ‘get it done’ instead of assisting and supporting me to be here in and as everything that I participate in.

I commit myself to realize that the rush experienced even at the moment of beginning to work with the document is only the accumulated anxiety that I created as a suppression when procrastinating this task throughout time, thus I take responsibility for not continuing supporting the energetic experience at a physical level, I instead breathe through it until I am here again in stability to then continue working with the actual writing and reading, ensuring that I am not wanting to ‘skip through it’ in order to go faster/ get it done sooner as that would simply be once again going into the rush of the mind to ‘get it done.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start thinking about just going and listening to this one song and then I continue, which is a seemingly ‘innocent’ way of creating a diversion point, without realizing how it is in the moment when the thought comes up to ‘go and listen to this song/ watch this video’ that I have to stand absolutely clear here, take a deep breath and continue seeking the document/ opening it up/ reading through it no matter how ‘long’ it takes to do so. Within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own entertainment and diversion tactics as mind control in order to get distracted from doing this particular task, wherein I realize that the moment that I even allow myself to ponder whether doing it or not is already not being absolutely here as the physical, breathing and directing myself to do what I know must be done. I realize that this is the same as giving up any craving that I would experience with other things in my reality as an addiction, due to the fact that I have become so used to giving myself these ‘experience treats’ that are not good or bad per se, such as listening to music – however it is the relationship that I have formed toward that as a way to distract myself from getting to my writing what is the point to self forgive and correct, as I see and realize that there have been many, many times wherein I can simply drone out into the ‘zone’ of just watching this concert, video, interview or any music that I am entertained with in order to then make the point as a ‘waste of time,’ go into regret and then move onto doing something else that is required to be done, BUT not this particular specific task that I was aiming at from the very beginning.

When and as I see myself wanting to divert my attention to watch a music video, listen to a song, go through this website to see what’s new as entertainment while having made the decision to work on my document – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am creating a point of diversion that I must deliberately stop and continue directing myself to continue and work with the task itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link this particular task which is writing to a sensation of discomfort on my chest which is actually a fear as the accumulated experience of having procrastinated it for ‘far too long’ and within this, being experiencing the result of my own consequence which was absolutely unnecessary if I had just directed myself appropriately – however there are no ‘ifs’ and ‘If I had just…’ as this is only a point to recognize that I can only give myself direction from this moment on and sure that I do not actually make the same mistake again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to begin complaining in my mind about the pains and physical discomfort I experience when beginning to read, wherein I believe that ‘I must take a rest because I’m not feeling well,’ without realizing that the physical pains and discomfort has been created by me due to having given all my attention to always end up procrastinating the writing, instead of actually breathing and simply doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to cause pain in the pit of my stomach, arms, upper back mostly in relation to me walking through the procrastination of writing this document wherein I believe that the ‘heaviness’ and ‘pain’ is just ‘too much to bear,’ without considering and realizing that this is my own process of actually facing the consequences of what I have done and created to myself as my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always give into the heaviness experience and seemingly tiredness believing that it is ‘real’ without realizing that it is real as a consequence of what I have created and propitiated myself –

When and as I see myself diverting my attention toward the physical pains and discomfort as an obstacle for me to stop and not continue with writing the document, I stop and I breathe. I take responsibility for my own physical discomfort that has been created as a result of the accumulated experience of suppressing the task while using energy to ‘tamper’ it and evolving my stance as the mind in order to make it ‘all fine’ while neglecting the consequences that my physical body is actually experiencing as a result of me keeping this relationship toward this one point as an accumulated experience of procrastination.

I commit myself to start considering every moment that I participate in the mind as this single act of thinking creating and manifesting a physical consequence due to my ignorant participation in the mind and procrastination as an energetic experience that I tried and suppress, instead of actually standing up and taking responsibility and within this, stopping the reactions and further consequences experience at a physical level from this.

this will continue

 

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179. Apathy as result of High Expectations

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate anxiety and fear when thinking and backchatting myself about the possible outcomes of having to present my work to other people and them assessing that it is not ‘good enough’/ that it is not suitable for this career, that it has nothing to do with what I am supposed to be writing about – without realizing that these thoughts are actually quite absurd when considering how it is that I have created these judgments within me as backchat that I would use in order to convince me that there is ‘no point’ in doing it, within it hitting the excuse and justification of uselessness as a reaction of apathy leading to the cycle of procrastination.

 

Within this I realize that my reaction of apathy and immediate neglect to what is required to be done is in fact me not having been Here as Breath – but instead talking to myself in my mind as all the negative reasons why I would Not want to get this work done due to having to actually Do It. I breathe and go into the next self forgiveness as a reaction to this realization:

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in shame and regret as a form of now feeling ‘bad’ about everything that I did and I didn’t do, without realizing that in this, I am only creating yet another experience to cover up the immediate responsibility at hand, which is part of the reactions that I used to justify my inaction and commitment to do things – due to, instead of realizing that it must be done, going into further thinking/ backchat of all the future play outs and the supposed ‘validity’ of the work in itself, without realizing that any writing in itself will be supportive to se me, no matter in which ‘sphere’ of my reality it takes place in.

 

When and as I see myself going into shame and regret for all the time wasted and not lived to give proper direction to myself and my work to be done – I stop and I breathe I realize that facing the consequences of what I accepted and allowed is inevitable – however, going into an experience over it in no way supports and assists me to physically move – thus I stop any point of further self-manipulation to find reasons, excuses and justifications as to why I didn’t move – without realizing that such reasons, justifications and excuses only stand as a further deviation of the physical task at hand.

I realize that I have often used this same mechanism when realizing the points that must be done and instead of simply breathing, stabilizing myself physically here, I go into further judgment and justification as all the reasons, excuses, explanations that I try to ‘give a meaning/ value to’ in my mind, which only stand as a defense to protect my own self interest of ‘not wanting to accept having made a mistake/ having fucked it up’ – as that goes ‘against my idea of self,’ which is precisely what we are walking this process for: to see, realize and expose to ourselves to what extent we are able to lie ourselves continuously in order to protect a mechanism of self interest wherein the ‘who we are’ as the perfect/ ideal I have of myself in my mind, is always ‘spotless’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to place myself as a ‘considerate person’ whenever I would go into the negative backchat and within this considering that my reactions such as immediate fear and anxiety could not remain ‘within me’ as ‘who I am’ which is how I would immediately seek for another point to keep me ‘balanced out’ in my mind, wherein ‘my score’ would remain untainted by this one task I was not directing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within reacting in fear and anxiety to face one single aspect and task of my life, generate a complete callous experience toward it, of seemingly it not being ‘important’ and prioritizing other things in my mind, because within doing this, I would keep myself in a ‘safe spot’ of doing things right, properly, without realizing that even the input/ drive to do other things Instead of physically directing me to get this task done was motivated by my own desire to ‘even myself out’ in my mind, wherein even if I knew that I was not getting this task done, I would then create another task/ activity as a supplement to ‘even out’ my sense of remaining a ‘responsible being’ because of ‘doing this other thing/ taking this other responsibility’ – without realizing how I was in fact being selective within this process in order to suit my needs of self interest, to remain with a positive reputation in my mind at the eyes of other and myself, while deliberately knowing that there is this ‘chunk of things’ to direct and do, and that it won’t certainly just ‘go away’ by wishing it so or positively thinking.

 

When and as I see myself reacting with fear of losing my reputation as a responsible being when realizing I am Not directing myself appropriately – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is stemming from a defense of my ‘ego’ as this precious thing that I’ve created for myself to remain with a ‘positive stance’ toward people in my world and within myself in my mind, wherein it is no different to talking myself positively in order to create a positive experience for taking other responsibilities and neglecting others that are also important and priority in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘But! Instead of doing this work, I am doing that other work which is Also important’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that me doing the ‘balancing out’ wherein I try to even points in order to compensate for what I realize I am not doing, is another trick of the ego to always keeps itself ‘winning’ and ‘on top’ and ‘stable’ and even with a false sense of ‘calmness’ that is like a pill taken to soothe the initial shot of anxiety and fear experienced every time that the backchat ‘I am not doing this’ would be manifested not even as thoughts but as a physical doing of just side sweeping it right away, not giving any ‘second thought’ to actually do it, but simply get on to the rest of the things to do which I have defined myself to be ‘comfortable’ in doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate an experience of apathy and general dullness when thinking about doing this written work, as the result of the backchat such as ‘what’s the point for this?’ wherein I realize that I am placing a condition to my movement to do things based on the outcome/ result which is an expectation created according to what I would ‘want’ to get from it.

When and as I see myself thinking the backchat ‘what’s the point for this’ and going into apathy and idleness in that moment, I stop and I breathe  – I realize that seeking for a particular outcome that could satisfy my desire for positive experience is another way to sabotage my self-movement as an unconditional one, as a self-willed realization that this must be done regardless of any result or outcome.

I commit myself to be unconditional in my self movement in the physical regardless of the task I have at hand, as I realize that equalizing myself as the physical is not judging the task to be done as either ‘good for me’ or ‘more valuable’ or ‘less important,’ as I realize that within the assessment in common sense of what I have to do and what must get done, implies a physical consideration of it to be done as part of a responsibility or a practical functionality for myself and others in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in apathy and even defeatism whenever having the backchat ‘ I’m not good enough within this career/ what difference will it make to others what I have to say here?’  which is rather a product of self manipulation wherein I am giving into ‘thinking’ my doing based on how it will be received/ viewed and valued/assessed by others, making of this future backchat projection ( lol ) a single obstacle in my mind to simply then turn my back on this work, because of me secretly wanting and desiring and still keeping this belief of me having to ‘change other people’s minds about themselves’ through this particular work/ task that I have to complete. Within this it is seeing how I have created my own condition of ‘If I can be praised/ glorified’ within my mind based on the reception this work will get, then I gladly do it’ – but when there is no certainty of this, I then go into a negative experience toward it in order to  create an experience of being ‘not good enough’ and backchatting myself about it, simply because of expecting a reward that satisfies my ego within this all.

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘I’m not good enough within this career/ what difference will it make to others to read/ hear what I have to say here?’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that within this I am placing a condition to my self-writing, my own physical process of doing things based on a future projection and assumption of how it will be received by others, instead of realizing that I have the absolute ability to simply write within the direction that I already see and realize I am capable of giving myself as the simplicity of opening the document and continuing writing – instead of allowing imagination, future projections, backchat and an overall reaction of uselessness and defeatism to be ‘more’ than myself and my will to move and direct me here.

 

I commit myself to stop going into future projections about the reception and how will ‘others’ read my words and what they will ‘think’ of my work and instead, simply direct myself to physically do it in the moment, as myself – directing-me to do it, regardless of expecting a positive or negative outcome of it, as I see and realize that within trapping myself in these two polarities, I condition my very physical to energy instead of realizing and living out the understanding of how the physical is able to move itself by simply the ‘force’ that I can redefine as self-movement instead of mind-energetic conditions to move that I had imposed onto the physical’s unconditional self movement.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘I’m wasting my time with this’ as an excuse to instead veer toward doing ‘something else’ – without realizing that the actual wasting of breath-time is whenever I am finding excuses and justifications to not do it, wherein I then create a positive experience of me not doing something based on the belief that ‘there is no use to it’ – thus creating and placing conditions to my self movement according to what I have defined as valuable and what I have defined as ‘not valuable’ and within this separation, actually missing the point of it all wherein I am waiting for something to be ‘productive’ for me to do instead of me doing and directing myself to ‘do it’/ be productive in the moment.

When and as I see myself thinking that ‘I am wasting my time on a task’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this stems from the inner value-system I have created toward tasks/ points that I have to do based on the experience that they create within me as either satisfying a positive experience in my mind or not, wherein I thus realize that anything that is generating a sense of ‘lack’ or wanting to do ‘something else’ instead, is already indicating that I am at the right place where there is no energy ‘flow’ within the doing of it, and as such, that all the points that come to my mind as something that I would ‘rather do’ are identified as mind-triggers for positive experience, which I must then debunk in order to see how my own value system of ‘preferred activities and tasks’ stems from the energetic experience I get of it , indicating that it is the mind that is seeking itself to have ‘time’ to satisfy itself instead of me as a self directive being directing myself to do things that will not cause me a positive or negative experience, but simply have to be done.

 

When and as I see myself then now attempting to go into a positive experience for ‘moving’ through this procrastination point, I stop and I breathe – I realize that making it a positive experience because ‘yay I am moving!’ is also a mind experience to still create positive energy within this – thus I commit myself to be absolutely clear and stable within me every moment that I go into the positive experience of stopping the procrastination character, as it would be rather futile to now make this stopping another mind experience – lol.

 

I commit myself to live Self Responsibility not only as a physical realization of having to ‘get things done’ but also within the understanding that every time that I give into energy – either positive or negative – to do/ not do things, I am abdicating my self-directive principle to move unconditionally and I am in fact abusing my physical body as every time that I create either a negative or a positive experience through thoughts manifesting either a positive or a negative experience, I am subjecting my physical body to be consumed by the mind that requires always to have an energetic fix which comes through the very physical-consumption of my physical body that is transformed into any of these experiences that I then believe is ‘who I am,’ which is unacceptable within the realization that physical movement is here as breath, therefore, as I breathe and simply make the decision to get the writing done/ to work on it I realize that there is no experience required within me, no judgment toward the task in itself, no future projection or conditional ‘result’ of it required, as I see and realize that all of these are mind-created obstacles wanting to get a positive outcome of it all which create a conflict upon that which can be simply physically done and directed.

 

I realize that the apathy experienced and deliberate ‘not doing’ a task stems from – within various other dimensions that I have probably yet to discover – having a future projection of a positive outcome within it, and within me generating this belief that there is no point to it/ not being good enough/ wasting my time to this. To understand more why thinking exists, listen to these two interviews that are vital in order to understand who we are within these ‘obstacles’ and what we are accepting and allow ourselves to be and have become within it all:

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62. ‘I just want to Do Nothing’

I Forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not voice, not think, but simply remain idle and ‘not do anything’ because of being in ‘that time of the month’ wherein I access a rather spiteful mode toward ‘having to go through this’ and believing that I have the ‘right’ to ‘not do anything because I don’t feel well’ which is unacceptable considering that my body doesn’t take vacations to stop digesting the food that I eat or stop the intake of oxygen just because it gets ‘fed up’ of doing so for a while, which means that I have not yet learned what it is to stand equal and one as my physical body, regardless of any ‘feeling’ or experience that is only created at a mind level within me Upon an actual physical process that I already know  simply have to breathe through-it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access my desire to create some form of friction within me toward others, and because I have no one to ‘fight against’ I simply give up on myself and rather go to sleep and ‘forget about it all’ which is like throwing a tantrum as the ‘menstruation personality’ as a child that wants to be spoiled and have benefits because ‘oh I am in my periods, I am sensitive, I am in pain, I don’t want to do anything’  which is unacceptable considering the billions of women that go through the same process I go through every single month and having to work or else, they die.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be obfuscated by this seemingly ‘uncomfortable’ experience which means that I give it too much attention as the mind, and that I am not effectively breathing, here, wherein I make sure that any bit or trace of the menstruation-personality is stopped, as I see, realize and have proven to myself that I am able to work and function as usual when being in my period, which means that this time I am using it as an excuse to hide something else that I have been storing and only use this point as a valve of escape to ventilate my own unsorted points of self-direction and justifying them with ‘being in my period.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience grievance when having my periods wherein I feel that ‘I have the right to not do anything if I don’t want to’ because this is something that ‘happens to me’ without me wanting it to happen, which had been a physical process that I have deemed as a curse and a used as a justification to not breathe, not move and rather remain just idle within my self-infatuation as to ‘why’ I have the right to ‘not do anything’ linked to being in my periods.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spiteful toward myself and everything because ‘I just don’t feel like doing anything today’ which clearly indicates I am giving permission to my mind to direct myself, manifesting such thoughts a deliberate shunning away of everything that I had planned to do and become rather stagnant and giving too much attention to pain,  just watching the ceiling like the old times which is pointing out: red flag, red flag, you’re accessing that ‘zone’ again.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel so ‘out of control’ of myself whenever I have my periods in ‘this way’ wherein it is obvious that it exacerbates any point that I’ve accumulated as that sense of ‘fogbound’ and procrastination when seeing ‘oh it is too much that I have to do,’ which I then use as an obviously fuckedup excuse to not do it at all and instead, justify my inaction with and because of physical discomfort based on ‘how I feel,’ wherein the moment there is a ‘how I feel’ justification I realize I must investigate what is behind it, instead of just blaming menstruation and hormones for it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience contempt toward hormones themselves and chemicals and my own thoughts doing ‘this to me’ which is obviously irresponsible because I realize and have proven to myself before that I can remain stable during ‘these days’ and that any other experience that emerges, has to do with how I am directing myself in my day to day living and it’s got nothing to do with ‘menstruation’ itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I have the right to have a day or two off because I don’t feel like doing anything’ while I realize that if I allow this deliberate spitefulness toward life, why should life support me unconditionally 24/7 without Ever complaining or wanting to ‘take a day or two off’- such as the body deciding to stop working, which would obviously mean I would die.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my own self-irritation toward ‘my period’ and only become more ‘fed up’ with all without realizing it is only me as my mind creating this experience wherein the moment I give in to ‘go to sleep’ I am in fact saying ‘my mind wins, she wants to rest, let her be.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to just lay on the ground facing the ceiling and do nothing, just breathing, without realizing that this is just another form of laziness based on procrastination and the accumulation of having lots to do and instead of moving, I decide ‘oh I need some time because, you know, I don’t ‘feel’ that well today’ – which is using my period and the days before that as an excuse to not move, which is not acceptable because the obvious example that comes is all women that must work over 12 hours a day, with only a few minutes to rest in between, working as a slave in a factory and I wonder: what the fucking hell am I complaining about, really

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to complain about ‘me not wanting to do anything’ wherein there is people that if they don’t move, they don’t eat that day, and that if they ever would want a ‘day to rest’ it would mean the end of their life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to time frames and believe that it will be an eternity to get something/ somewhere without realizing that, I won’t be going anywhere or going ‘somewhere else’ but here as myself, which implies that no matter what ideas may come up in my head in relation to the future, I am here, I have to walk my day by day and moment by moment here with absolute certainty of myself as my physical body – everything else is just mind distraction.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use experience and physical discomfort/ pain as an excuse to not move.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that complaining is just whining, is just arguing for my limitations instead of actually moving and doing and remaining stable within self-movement, not allowing a physical process to tamper my hereness.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use menstruation as an excuse to make males feel ‘bad’ in the past because through us women being the only ones experiencing ‘this’ I could then justify my mood, my anger, my irritation projected onto them, because they would not know ‘what it feels like to be a woman while menstruating’ and the pains the body goes through, which is then used as an excuse to have people spoil me, do whatever I want as a way for ‘them’ to compensate for ‘me being a woman’ (which is ridiculous thinking, but it did happen that way) – and if this doesn’t happen because I am alone, I spoil myself through not doing anything and just shutting everything off and sleeping, justifying it as my ‘way to spoil myself’ because ‘I deserve it, I am in pain, I am a woman’ which is plain-sight self-victimization as an excuse to not move.

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be spiteful toward all beings that are here as myself in every moment that I ‘give up’ the self-direction and justify it with knowledge and information as a way to validate why I don’t ‘feel’ like doing something today, wherein in the past, I’d seek the comfort of someone spoiling me to ‘feel better about myself’ and because there is no one to do that, I ‘give it to myself’ yet without any actual realization of what impact this has overall as a single acceptance and allowance in my world, as a point of giving up self-direction to self-manipulation, justification and spitefulness toward myself, my own process, and life itself with my stagnant and idle behavior, which is truly unacceptable.

 

I have realized idleness is a great experience temptation in my world, it’s been an actual pattern that I have even taken for granted, wherein I can just remain still doing nothing for quite some time as form of ‘zoning out’ and not thinking as a way to not ‘face myself,’ but also creating this belief that it will take ‘extra effort’ for me to move, which is just another justification and idea in my mind – I see and realize that it only takes self-direction and the actual physical self-impulse to do so, without energy, but self-movement in itself, which won’t be based by this energetic surge as I was used to move myself before, but it is now really self-movement in the most  raw possible way: I move – or  I don’t move and nothing and no one else determines that but myself.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be fully self-directive in all moments, because I am allowing a justification of a physical process to be a way to shut myself down from everything for a while and not really wanting to participate, move or interact because of just wanting to remain idle and sleep away the experience both physically and mentally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be accessing this energetic experience of annoyance toward myself as the physical experience, wherein it is the same surge of desire to just punch something to exert out anger for anything to anyone as an outlet to what I have accepted and allowed to compound within myself, as this bits of lack of self movement, dissatisfaction with myself as energetic ‘lack’ to move, and use anger or irritation as a way to ‘get myself back on track’ because they imply negative energetic experiences that I had become also used to experiencing as a way to ‘feel alive.’

 

I realize that the only reason why I had neglected being an angry person was because of judging anger as ‘bad’ and I didn’t want to be a ‘bad person’ which  lead me to become angry – lol – at anyone that would point out that ‘I was angry or moody’, wherein ‘moody’ meant that they were aware I was in my period and me just being über pissed off for them being aware of my mood being because of having my periods and in that, fuel my own experience due to not wanting people to notice that I was being ‘a victim’ of my own hormones.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-directive in every moment of breath Even More So when I ‘know’ beforehand that whenever I am in my periods, I become a victim of hormones – therefore,

 

When and as I see myself being a victim of my own ‘hormones’ and blaming something ‘in separation of myself’ for my own experience,  justifying that with ‘oh but I’m in my periods, I’m allowed to be pissed off and not wanting to do anything, because it’s this ‘obnoxious thing’ happening to me, I am not responsible for that’ – which are plain justifications to not act, not move and be self directive. I realize that in me saying ‘oh well, let’s just let it be for a day’ I am in fact spiting myself and that everything just falls apart with one single allowance of me saying ‘oh but …’ and justification streaming along, which is the moment that I must breathe and stop and I realize it does take physical visible and tangible self movement to MOVE – otherwise: nothing will change and nothing will move.

 

I realize that the only way to dissipate this energy is through breathing, because becoming stagnant and or extremely angry are but polarities of the same point which is energy only, accumulated and wanting to be exerted either through the positive way or negative way, both equally harmful and unnecessary if I realize the extent of harm that my body goes through with every single experience and reaction that I generate through thinking instead of just doing it.

 

I realize that I simply require to become more directive within myself and my physical body experiences, supporting it with ‘extra-attention’ toward breathing itself, and not giving extra-attention to the physical experience while going through periods as I realize that there is nothing and no one to blame for that, there is no way to make it stop from happening every single month and that the only way I can support myself is through ensuring I don’t participate in the ‘mood swings’ and giving all my attention to the physical discomfort, but simply continue breathing and walking, no matter what my mind says as ‘Oh but that’s not enough!’ and trying to throw a tantrum about there not being any physical solution to not have a way to stop the periods from coming month after month.

It is the same way as I had complained in the past about having to eat, there is nothing I can do about it: I eat, I stop the experiences toward having to eat, having to shit, having to live on a day to day basis within a routine that I know that If I don’t follow through I die –thus, I stop creating any experience toward bodily functions that I realize I can simply breathe through, move and stabilize myself if any thought wants to add some ‘spice’ to these physical processes.

 

Wasting Time is not a cool point at all considering it is a mind-decision spiting the physical that is always unconditionally taking air in, breathing, transporting blood throughout our veins – and what do we do? we create tantrums to not move, unacceptable. 

I stand up for life which means, I learn from my own physical body’s unconditional Self-Movement which I must equalize myself as with no excuse or justification to not do so.

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Day 56: Disappointed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience disappointment with myself today based on the judgment that I’ve held toward my lack of self-movement to actually be the most effective and self-directive I realize I can be in my reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of disappointment toward myself based on existing as an expectation of fulfilling within myself a sense of ‘satisfaction’ as the saturation of positive energy in means of letting myself know that ‘I am doing good’ and I am ‘alright,’ wherein I am in fact then only feeding a pattern of ‘surviving’ as the energy of expectations that require to be ‘met’ in order for me to ‘feel good about myself,’ and due to such expectations not being met, I experience a sense of ‘disappointment’ wherein I simply have missed the point of direction that I exist as in every moment of breath to actually physically direct myself and that’s it – but instead, I use such moments to generate an expectation that has to be crushed in order to reveal to myself that existing in such mental projections toward a sense of ‘satisfaction’ can only exist as the mind to feed my own personality of being constantly ‘satisfied’ with myself as energy, as positive experience/ neutral experience of ‘everything is fine’ at a mind level, and not being simply here breathing as myself in the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a sense of ‘lack’ as this disappointment wherein I believe that I ‘must’ satisfy myself/ others as the idea of myself that is linked to this completion/ fulfillment and ‘satisfaction’ as a positive energy-experience linked to completing tasks, linked to being ‘the most effective’ and the most ‘well-done’ and efficient person, which implies that this is all ego-based and not real in any way whatsoever because it’s only existing within the context  of me as an idea of self and future projection to be met –Not existing within and as who I am as an individual that is here as breath , physically realizing the points that require direction and just doing it.

 

I realize that as long as I hold this ‘idea’ of myself, there will always be a gap to be closed as I am not in fact moving the totality of myself in consideration of giving it all that I am in every single moment of breath, due to still allowing fleeting moments of opting/ preferring to do some things over others, which imply that I am not yet the absolute directive principle of myself, but existing as an idea that is pliable to my own set of preferences and needs, which are stemming from actual resistance to do work that is required to be done in order for me to stop looping around the same points, which is useless if I already know the actions to be done: it just requires doing it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘disappointed’ simply because of perceiving that I am not getting ‘enough energy’ to keep me as that point of ‘self-satisfaction’ that is fueled  by experiences, by temporary fixes with food, entertainment, people in my world, casual flirts, looking forward for events and when I am not getting any of this and deliberately stopping them, I perceive that I am in fact ‘lacking’ something and causing me this sense of ‘s.o.s. do something or you will die’ which is only the mind absolutely craving for anything that will give that temporary fix, which is just like existing in withdrawal symptoms after having been so addicted to a mind that will use virtually Anything- from a single comment, word, person’s interaction, a drink, food, weather, people, a scenario, something I read, something I receive from another – and the list goes on – in order to create this sense of ‘I exist for others!’ which is only myself as the mind getting its confirmation of: yes, you still exist as relationships of the mind as your ego/ personality toward others – and in that, believe that I am ‘back on track’ which is Not as the self-stability that I should exist here-as-myself in every moment of breath, but instead that stability is based on the mind’s stability as that feed of energy that I have become so used to experiencing as ‘who I am’ as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, for a moment, believe that I could actually be ‘dissatisfied’ and ‘disappointed’ which in fact are only words that indicate that I am ‘not getting enough for my ego’ – as I realize that I am well aware in every moment if I am living as life – here and being absolutely self directive or not – hence being ‘disappointed’ as any other ‘beingness’ is in fact an energy-possession accumulation that I have given a name/ defined according to the types of energy that I’ve been used to getting in the past, and I am not deliberately fueling any longer. In this case ‘disappointment’ implies that perceived ‘target’ as that future projection that I would live up to throughout my life, always having lived to a future moment wherein I would be finally ‘complete’ – without practically having taking the steps to see How I would get myself to such position, which has been part of the ‘fleeting’ and ‘airy’ personality wherein words are not directed and lived, but only spoken with a sense of ‘hope’ that it will happen in any way, just like miraculously.

 

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to realize that it is this same sense of ‘future satisfaction’ that has been the lie we have accepted as humanity to ‘run our lives’ toward that elusive paradise-like happiness and fulfillment, which is only feeding my mind according to its necessary creation of relationships in separation of myself as life, while supporting the same mechanism within the world system to survive as a mind-system of energy, and never having pondered if it was okay to simply be and direct myself with the usual necessary without having to comply to follow such elusive dreams of absolute satisfaction and fulfillment.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I can only be disappointed as an individual experience after having been seeking to ‘meet my target’ which existed as a future projection based on myself at this age and pondering about ‘what am I doing with my life’ and how I had projected myself doing ‘so many things,’ which boiled down to nothing. Yet I see that it was necessary for that to happen as all dreams, future projections and ‘visualizations’ of myself in the future were based and created within the ‘who I am as a mind’ – therefore, all future projections were based upon me wanting to fulfill the ‘me’ as the mind that would constantly generate these ‘dreams’ about the future, to ensure its survival as me continuing fueling the desires, hopes and dreams of such experiences wherein I could finally feel ‘satisfied’ about myself and my life.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that I will go through many ‘withdrawal symptoms’ every time that the mind does not get its constant ‘feed’ wherein my life will seem empty and I would create an experience in/of the mind of ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘disappointment’ upon not getting that necessary energy to continue going, which is the moment wherein I would usually give up on doing something simply because of not getting the same ‘excitement’ and ‘positive experience,’ which is how I would withdraw from such point/ activity in my world and start something else, never completing something to its absolute.  In this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to having kept my mind busy/ satisfied with the necessary attention/ energy to continue existing as all the relationships I have formed with others in my reality in separation of myself as one and equal, wherein only the ‘who I am’ as the idea of self was being fed and supported through this constant ‘feed’ through any of the interactions with others that would verify that I still ‘am’ something for others as the beingness of consciousness, as personality as the ego that is fed through and by the relationships created with others.

 

I realize that I have ‘naturally’ linked these two words ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘disappointment’ as they both imply me as the mind not ‘meeting its target’ as the necessary energy for me to continue existing as the set of relationships I had created for and of myself ‘in the future’ from the time when I was 16 years old and pondering ‘what I would do in the future’ and ‘where I would be in 10 years’ wherein I created all types of high expectations toward myself based on seeking to satisfy the idea of self as all the ‘me’ that had been a ‘brilliant person’ in school, which I see and realize means nothing as all that which I am has nothing to do with the physicality that is here and cannot be ‘disappointed’ as that is only a  mind generated idea that exists whenever I am ‘dissatisfied’ as in not getting enough energy to saturate myself with attention as thoughts, emotions, feelings and any other form of mind relationship that I had become addicted to, as a single point of self-definition such as a dream, a future projection, a friendship of the past that can in any way ‘get me back on track’ which is the race toward that ultimate fulfillment of myself as the mind as the personality with ego projections of success and fulfillment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from completion as self here, wherein I generate a separation from myself as a mind experience of ‘dissatisfaction’ and ‘disappointment’ the moment that I perceive that I am ‘not meeting my target’ which is mimicking the way that corporations function, always seeking to reach this ‘target’ as the necessary influx of money to keep running the business in a ‘smooth’ manner, while keeping the entire world system function in a ‘mint’ enslaving mechanism.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how within the seemingly ‘unimportant’ points I am in fact feeding an entire mechanism at a world-wide level wherein my dissatisfaction and disappointment is usually ‘fulfilled’ and ‘overcome’ through buying, consuming and generating any form of relationship for the mind to continue its directive-role within ourselves as humanity, missing the totality of ourselves as completion, as wholeness that just requires to live as self-directive beings in consideration of what’s best for all, which is in this case overlooked and all that remains is that absolute self interest to satisfy and ‘foolfill’ ourselves within the options that people that take advantage of such emotional experiences in human beings have very well studied and prepared for ourselves to get ‘our fix’

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that any moment that I am not Here as life – breathing – moving – self-directing, I exist as some form of lack that seeks to be satisfied in the form of a want, need, desire generated by my mind based on the past and previous patterns of the ways in which I would ‘get my fix’ no matter how ‘small’ it may seem, within this always ‘giving into’ the experience of the mind as disappointment in order to get something outside of myself to ‘get myself back on track’ as the race of the mind to ‘meet its goal’  – within this

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to occupy only my mind and forget about the rest of the physical body that I exist as every time that I go into a mind-experience such as ‘disappointment’ wherein ‘all that matters’ is then getting myself back on the ‘track’ within the ongoing mind-feeding game that uses goals/ future projections wherein I keep myself bound to a single outcome that I can fulfill/ not fulfill and define myself as then being satisfied/ dissatisfied according to ‘who I am as the mind.’

 

I realize that the only real dissatisfaction that can exist is having no food in my stomach, not having water, proper living support for an extended period of time wherein the real pains of hunger and starvation are a constant experience for billions in this world, which should make us ponder how we are constantly looking after ‘how we feel’ instead of realizing how within such question I am only considering ‘myself’ in that moment, while in fact adding myself as the other billions seeking to be satisfied as the positive experience of myself that generate – as a consequence – the billions that starve because we live in a reality wherein the opposites are created the moment that only one pole is pursued and sought, which implies that we are directly responsible for every single atrocity as a result of any inkling of positive thinking and positive attitude that seeks to be More within everything we do in the name of self-satisfaction.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing a sense of ‘lack’ as dissatisfaction and in that going into the experience of disappointment as a result of not getting my energy to keep going on, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am simply existing as a mind that seeks for its survival – instead I direct myself to continue being here as breath wherein I see and realize that I must physically will myself to move myself regardless of any incentive, motivation or positive input that I used to be fueled by within my reality.

 

I also realize that there are problems in our reality that require our focus and attention which we are not in any way supporting while getting caught up in our minds – therefore  in order to stop such patterns from existing within us as a whole, the conflict and sense of ‘lack’ must be stopped within me first, to then support others to see how we have created our own ‘lack’ as a system of energy that does not consider life as a constant in-breath and out-breath that can be materialized as giving and receiving in a system of equality, but instead have decided to enslave ourselves to a system wherein because we want to be ‘more’ = we generate abuse invariably somewhere else within this social organism.

 

I realize then that this point of disappointment is only existent as a mind possession that is Not ‘meeting its target’ as that ‘something’ that I would always have as a motivation to ‘keep going,’ because I realize that I have never moved-me as self-movement before, but that I am only now realizing that If I don’t change,If I don’t move = Nothing will change and Nothing will move.

 

I realize that anything that ‘moves me’ is not ‘me’ but my mind seeking any past connection, any memory, relationship and idea of myself in order to fuel myself as an experience which is quite a ‘simplistic’ and easy way to trap myself in and as a mind possession if I give head to it in one single fleeting moment wherein I am not being Here, self directive, breathing and stop the minutest mind-wavering experience.

 

I commit myself to stop the backchat that is indicating that the mind is wanting its fix as the positive experience/ reward in order to ‘keep going,’ and instead realize that this is a physical process wherein nothing will move if I don’t move. 

 

I commit myself to flag point any experience related to ‘satisfaction’ and ‘feeling satisfied’ and ‘feeling alright’ as that indicates that I am somehow generating a positive experience as a necessary fuel to keep myself going as the mind, which is the very ‘addiction’ that I am here to stop for once and for all. I realize that the mind will do anything possible for me to crave my fix, and that I have even experienced extreme physical discomfort whenever I don’t follow through with the desire, which is the necessary pains to stop me from giving into that usual desire and fix to do ‘what pleases me’ but not what I am as a physical being that recognizes the responsibility that is required to be taken by myself, within the consideration of the decision I’ve made to stand up for life – which is not to be taken ‘lightly’ but with actual physical consequences that are implied within me giving head to my own desires, wishes, wants, needs, desires.

 

I realize that I had become used to being a constant ‘feeder’ for my mind, wherein even if I had a relatively ‘simple’ life, I would still trigger interactions, experiences and place myself deliberately in situations wherein I could get my mind-fix to continue fueling the idea of myself as my ego which is the very point and only point of resistance that I am walking through in order to become an absolute self-directive being that I realize I can be and become if I stop walking a middle-path of ‘nothingness’ as a mind that is seeking to be complete, not as an actual nothingness that exists here in every moment that I realize the responsibility that I have committed myself to for/ as life.

 

I recommend listening to the practical masturbation series that have just begun with basic physical tangible perspectives and aspects that we can start considering in our reality which, surprisingly enough, are very linked to the entire mechanism of us fueling our minds with anything or anyone to keep that same ‘ego’ glowing and growing, without us having any resolution to stop due to the pleasure that it represents. It is is vital to also hear the Soul of Money interviews as they explain the sexualization of society as well, as that mechanism to ‘keep us going’ as energy-beings of the mind that use and abuse the physical in order to continue satisfying the ‘who I am’ as the mind, and neglecting/ abusing the physical reality that is here as ourselves, that requires our directive participation within the starting point of what is best for all Life at all times.

 

 

 

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Laziness: a product of Capitalism?

Is capitalism a result of human laziness or did capitalism made the human lazy?

What is the experience when paying someone to do things for us?

These are aspects of the realizations through comments and feedback we constantly get wherein the single act of having to read/ investigate the material that we’ve been sharing seems like a huge task for someone that is recently getting to know of what Desteni and Equal Money System is. It’s understandable that the vast amount of material might be a bit overwhelming, though it is necessary to go through it and take it just as any other subject you would take ‘in school’ – this is the school of Life, a subject that’s never ever been considered in any school of this world.

 

On questions like ‘who’ll do the shitty jobs’ which are such a common point within the Equal Money System, we have a second ‘underlying’ factor – besides greed –  that is often not so obvious yet it is part of realizing the fact that there will be no slaves in the Equal Money System – therefore we’ll have to do things for ourselves.

If we don’t push through that initial resistance and/or laziness, we’ll in fact prove that this world is the way it is because we work by the law of the least effort. From this, we seek to have everything  in a ‘peeled and cut’ way wherein one only has to pick a fork and eat it, we don’t  ‘like’ or ‘want’ to have to do all the job that would entail eating a fruit for example: from planting a tree, taking care of the tree, waiting for it to bear fruit, then picking the fruit, cutting it / peeling it and eating it. See, the way that we see things now is I pay for it and it’s readily available. This is just an analogy as this doesn’t represent that we’ll all have to ‘grow our own apples’ because this is one of the aspects that could also lead to over-growing food as one tree bears a lot more than what one single family can handle.

The point is: we’ll have to learn how to do thing for ourselves, we’ll have to stop being lazy! The ability to pay someone to do everything for ourselves just because ‘we can’ will cease to exist. 

If I look at my experience I mean, what did I enjoy about eating at restaurants – besides the eating part – or staying in hotels or having a nanny as a child? The fact that everything was made for me, I didn’t have to do anything – from buying the food, cooking, eating and then washing all the cooking and serving dishes; from having my bed made, not having to clean around, having my bed made, my clothes washed – all of that is currently paid of with money wherein such price involves people behind that make sure everything is ready to eat/use and everything is done for you.

See this is the type of stuff I would be busy thinking of constantly in my reality, specifically on restaurants/ hotels or any other place where you get people providing you for a certain service. I’d pay attention to see how the interaction between coworkers and the dynamics of the work itself would be done to satisfy a costumer, that is the person that will pay for such job. Fascinating how there was even this experience of ‘superiority’ in that which is absolutely unacceptable yet this is the type of feelings that get up in the head of those with exorbitant amounts of money

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to create but a single feeling and experience of superiority whenever I have the money to pay someone to provide me for a service or do something for me wherein I am allowing myself to feel with such ‘power in hand’ as money to have this particular person ‘serving me’ in a particular way that I require, without realizing that within this single action I am in fact only taking the ‘power’ as an attitude which is conferred by money itself as a synonym of ‘domination’, of ‘power’.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a certain attitude or experience of grandeur within me even if I denied it whenever I got to experience any point wherein I wouldn’t have to worry about money and having treats that one can only get in a lifetime of a regular mortal, within this allowing me to indulge in the superiority flair that tempts so many beings around the world as the embodiment of such ‘power’, such ‘grandeur’ and the ability of having others doing everything for you.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a certain feeling of being ‘pampered’ and ‘spoiled’ whenever everything was done for me and equate this as ‘care’ and ‘protection’ while in fact it leads us to become irresponsible and inconsiderate with regards to doing our tasks ourselves and learning how to efficiently take care on our own.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having ‘felt bad’ about seeing other girls/boys my age working and ‘serving’ us without realizing that such judgments are only self judgments that cannot do anything else but create an experience – it is only now that we realize the reason why people have to give up their childhood or teenage years to work to make a living  – thus I support and endorse the Equal Money System because they too should’ve been able to enjoy what I was enjoying at the time.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever react to someone’s arrogance when being too bossy at restaurants and demanding the crew for ‘better service’ because of projecting my own judgments upon her and upon the people that work as a complete fuck up that shouldn’t exist and that could only exist because Money was in place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as ‘superior’ or ‘important’ the moment that people treat you like that out of having a certain position that apparently denotes you must be treated like that –  without realizing that it was all about hierarchy, positions and social conventions that had nothing to do with who I really am and what I was in that moment either. I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to seek that same power through pursuing such success so that I could experience such ‘power’ and ‘grandeur’ through the money that would be earned in such career.

I direct myself as the realization in Equality that we can in fact create a best for all way of living through equalizing all values, through eradicating the ability to make money out of exploiting others and through understanding that the way things should’ve always been is based upon Self Responsibility wherein on one else will be subjugated in a way wherein they are forced to accept any kind of activity as a job to ‘make a living’.

This is cool, I got to remember I had my greedy-capitalist phase when I wanted to be a financial advisor 10 years ago – later on I let go of the idea as I realized money wasn’t ‘my thing’ apparently – I have to correct that to suit the current requirements to move effectively in this world.  Back to the main topic.

 

We’ve got to stop living in this drive-through accepted and allowed lifestyle wherein everything is readily made, it’s easy, it’s synthetized, it’s summed up to the most digestible bit so that I don’t even have to chew it. This is part of the realizations that we are seeing will be part of our daily considerations in terms of stopping being just a consumer that can afford to have everything done without even considering the amount of time, effort and dedication behind its creation/ production.

Consider everything that we pay others to do for us and see how those points will have to be re-evaluated in terms of how to divide the different tasks in society once there will be no one that will be able to be paid for doing such jobs out of ‘having the need to make a living’, because all will be having the equal dignified living conditions.

 

A point that I noticed at the farm is how when spending the days working and literally focusing on doing on that which was required to be done to sustain the place, my life was much more physical than what it is when I’m just stuck to a computer. Yet I understand the necessity for us to focus on communicating and sharing with others so that we can then get to that point of having the entire structure in place to have our lives working in such a self-sustainable way and literally living.  By self sustainable I mean us realizing the stuff that must be done and do it ourselves – it will be less sedentary in terms of doing all that which we would usually pay for. This is one of the aspects that we can begin taking as a point to walk start taking self responsibility for , realizing how the amount of money we have now ensures that we have someone else doing it for us – not only in terms of having ‘personal service’ but overall wherever we go and there’s someone having a certain job for the sake of making a living.

 

Stopping the laziness point may also become part of the first realizations within seeing: I actually have to read/study this and overcome my own laziness to do so, and within that already walking a point of our own accepted and allowed brainwashing and separation of wanting everything, fast, easy-opening, accurate,  all the fast food lifestyle of paying and getting the product with no regard toward all the jobs that are mostly considered a ‘nuisance’, the usual household chores or any other ‘maintenance’ and service work that is required to be able to sustain our current living conditions. 

This is how we start stopping the capitalist within us that believes that just because ‘I have money in my pocket, I can buy anyone to do things for me’. Those times are over, best to integrate yourself from now on to the new way of being wherein we will actually have to take care of ourselves, yet work as a team within the same principle of doing what’s best for all and optimizing everything to simplify such tasks for ourselves as well. Technology will at last serve as part of making this world an easier place and not just be developed as something that will only work for a while to be at a later stage – it will be all about supporting life on Earth and making our tasks easier as well. 

 

 

To learn more about energy and consumerism click here to check out an interview by Bernard Poolman explaining this in a holistic way.


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