Tag Archives: learning to listen

November 21, 2018

623. Learning to Listen: Becoming Aware vs. Acting to Change

By Marlen

 

Sometimes I hold myself back from writing because of perceiving that my topics are usually the same, about the same points that I seem to be constantly facing or working on. However, I also realized that this is something I write for sharing yes, but ultimately also as a point of accountability when it comes to the points that I’ve been facing.

So, there’s a main point related to listening. This is mainly in relation to how I’ve created filters in relation to how I decide to listen to someone, mostly imposing my own views, judgments – positive and negative – upon listening to someone, even more so if that someone is someone that is close to me, such as my partner.. and I am quite grateful that I’ve been able to discuss and open up all of these things to realize how much of a stubborn I’ve been in fact, and how much of the disdain, criticism and judgment I held toward my grandmother and mother about being control freaks and stubborn people relates back to me to the exact degree.  Yep! It’s a frightening realization because at least my mother and I have realized the very consequential outflows of it, but now that I see the extent in which I am following ‘the same steps’ my female predecessors have played out with themselves, their bodies and towards their partners, I have a unique opportunity to change and ‘stop the sins of the fathers’ in this case, the mothers to be exact.

I am also aware that not everyone is able to have a direct cross-reference of this with their parents. Some don’t have their parents around and live far away, some have died already, some have never gotten to know their parents. This situation has led me to also appreciate the unique set up I was born into and be in a way grateful that I have this kind of cross-reference. However this doesn’t mean that if someone doesn’t have their parents or grandparents around you don’t get to know ‘how’ they are… just a look within self and you’ll get the gist of it. Lol

Anyways, getting to the bottom of this. I was quite shocked about myself – but also not really, because hello? I am in my own body and mind – in relation to how I’ve decided to not take certain feedback seriously about things and situations where I am being too over-bearing, obtuse, imposing, dictatorial and a plain control freak. I had expressed before how I was grateful to have this kind of feedback in the moment from my partner, but the reality is that I wasn’t honoring it as a point of self-change. I was only getting to KNOW and become Aware of the thing, but I wasn’t in fact deciding to fully change it.

Why? How come that if I was getting the direct feedback in the moment I wasn’t doing something about it? Well, I recently discovered quite an awful conditioning within me as well. When my partner was giving the feedback, there was no ‘raising of voices’ or showing any emotional  outburst about it, in essence, there wasn’t a ‘big deal’ made out of it in my head. This is something I can relate to when one is a child, and one gets these warnings of things that may go wrong, or when one is doing something that  one ‘shouldn’t do’ but only getting to stop doing it IF seeing the parent go completely upset and raise their voice and be noticeably annoyed, bothered, angry and really creating this emotional show where I would then realize ‘oh shit, that’s a real problem, I need to stop.’

This is where learning to listen comes in and where I also require to integrate the fact that this feedback I was receiving in the moment wont’ come with emotional outbursts for me to ‘take it seriously.’ In fact I was doing exactly what I would be bothered by for most of my life in relation to my mother, where I would say things to her or would like to ‘have a serious talk’ but she has a tendency to be quite ‘light’ about some things, not take things that seriously, not give them the ‘weight’ I was expecting and in doing so, I believed I wasn’t being taken seriously, it would piss me off, lol. So! It shouldn’t be as surprising that I was doing the exact same thing, almost going into that ignoring or ‘not taking seriously’ what my partner was sharing in those moments, and I just simply would not make any effort to change things, well a bit I guess, but that was entirely half-assed and not really living a decision to change in the moment.

How did I become aware of it? Of course when things get to a certain ‘boiling point’ where I repeat the same pattern, once again, and then I get reminded how I’ve gotten to hear the feedback about that situation several, several times before and I just haven’t listened. Yep, that was a bit of a shameful situation for me because in that moment I realized how much I was truly not deciding to listen as in taking the feedback in, and acknowledging that ‘ok yes I need to do something about this and create a plan to Change.’ I just ‘heard’ it and let it go by, really. And this is how I came to see how little importance or ‘weight’ so to speak I gave to this kind of feedback which in fact is precisely what I require to become aware and so change a very ingrained pattern I’ve lived when it comes to in essence being ‘control’ in a dictatorial and imposing way.

After that day, what I’ve been doing is then challenging the comfort I’ve created to ‘totally be me’ as the control freak with my partner, which is in a way cool because he now knows me and understands how far it can get, which is obviously not cool. And now I had to explain how this is one of the points that surely, is a difficult one for me, that I appreciate the feedback, that I am sorry that I haven’t changed yet in spite of the feedback and that I am now committing to change it.

What has happened a few days after that serious talk is that I’ve been now catching myself more often when I would say things out of habit that are in the same ‘tune’ of being a control freak. Sometimes I’ve been saying it and I’ve stopped myself from saying ‘but why not!?’ lol when wanting something to be done in a particular way that I had already been explained why it could not go that way. This is the stubbornness that I’ve also realized comes from an aloof sense of listening, where I get the explanation about certain things and then I decide to ‘not listen’ or comfortably ‘forget’ which I mean, it’s really a pain in the ass having to be told the same things over and over again, which I am not getting to properly integrate because I am not properly listening, but only being calculating in my mind what I want to hear, what I want to filter out in order to have some sort of very twisted comfort zone to not have to change ‘my ways.’

Needless to say that I realize how difficult it can be for any person to deal with someone like me, really, and not to make me a very tough person to deal with. But when it comes to living together and having the total openness to be ME then, all the real and nitty gritty aspects of my personality are exposed and I’m grateful that I’ve had someone in my life that is willing to be patient about it, but hey, one thing is to be patient and understanding, and another one is to be having to ‘bear’ with it and create a conditioning, an acceptance of it even If we both know it’s not the best way to live.

IT’s also needless to say how this exposes me as at times focusing too much on preaching certain principles, but letting these big points just ‘slip by’ as if they didn’t matter. It is also regrettable that I require to get to a point of having to notice an emotional reaction in order to make something seriously needing my attention and committing to change these patterns within me, because I also know and am aware when I’ve gone into this very obtuse, stubborn and controlling way of behaving that in my mind seems like ‘best for all’ but in that really forgetting about the individuality of others and realizing that even if I see it is ‘best’ for me, it can’t be applied ‘like that’ to others.  And other times – most of them – realizing that each moment that I exert out my control-freakism it’s actually coming from a long-lived habit of being the one that ‘calls the shots’ as they say in a relationship, instead of creating an equal space for each other to be ourselves, to understand where we are at in relation to the points we are walking or changing and for me, yes to be also patient to not jump into conclusions, but to give space for another.

What comes up is how I’ve written a blog like this from a past relationship, what opens up is feeling like ‘I’ve learned nothing because I’ve been there before,’ but I also have to learn to forgive myself for that, for repeating myself and the same patterns as before and understanding that the same patterns may come up again and that it only means: I have to focus on changing them, instead of going into shame, regret or plain judgment about being repeating myself, because that leaves me nowhere but back into a comfort zone of thinking ‘well, that’s how I’m always going to be.’

I’m here walking this process to demonstrate to myself that I can in fact change even the most difficult or ingrained aspects within me that certainly can lead to ruin any relationship, because no one wants to be in a relationship with someone that acts like a dictator. To me, as I’ve shared many times before, it has to do with a sense of righteousness, believing I’m right and know what is the way to go. I have to humbly realize this is not so and in doing so, realize I have to get to place myself in the shoes of others in a much more ‘empty’ way, without placing myself in their shoes but still having ‘my own principles, my own mindset’ while doing so, which ends up in me thinking or perceiving that I know what they should do, what is best for them.

Yes, this is mainly the point and the reasoning behind it, which is why it has become so tricky and at times difficult to let go, because of holding on to the idea that I am right, I know the way’ but it’s best to realize I may have an idea of what could work, but it is up for each person to decide for themselves. I can only then focus on being there walking with others without wanting to impose ‘my ways’ onto them, and rather work on creating these moments within me where I can become aware of this pattern coming up in me, and so make a pause to realize ‘red flag, control freakism point here’ and take a breath to then speak back in an awareness of me having to Let Go of wanting to ‘show the way’ or ‘give instructions of what must be done’ or ‘give a judgment of what is right or wrong.’ I can always give perspectives but I must accept the fact that I can’t change others, I can’t impose myself onto others, I can’t ‘walk their solution’ for them either, nor do I have to conveniently ‘say what to do’ in a way where I’m only considering what benefits me or what I believe is best for me.

So this is where I’m at and working with currently – yep in my head it’s like ‘ah more of the same’ really, but that’s who I am and what I’ve become with this pattern, it’s like a lifetime habit that I have to now take responsibility for.

Thanks for reading.                            

 

Recommended listening:

 

Receptivity

 

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February 25, 2017

518. Learning To Listen

By Marlen

Yesterday there was a very cool discussion that opened up in a group chat about communication and what happens when one shares a bit ‘too much’ from the get go with a person as in talking too much in a little amount of time, as well as not listening to our interlocutor, resulting in what could be defined mostly as a one-way sharing and possibly overwhelming the person or people we’re talking with.

This topic brought me to remember a few situations where whenever I’ve found that there’s a topic that I am genuinely interested on and it gets opened up by someone I am talking to, there’s this sort of excitement in me that ‘rushes to my head’ to ‘tell all that I know about that’ in that moment – and in this ‘excitement’ that goes up to my head, I end up getting in an experience that I define as becoming ‘too intense.’

What’s this ‘intensity’ about? This is related specifically to sharing about topics that are in one way or another having to do with this process that I’m walking, with investigations or information that I’ve defined as being of my interest such as human relationships, self-improvement, world-system improvement, understanding ourselves at deeper levels of our awareness at a mind and body level – in essence the kind of topics I am usually looking at within myself and conversing about with other people on a daily basis.

Therefore, whenever I get to open up about these topics with a relatively ‘new’ person in my life for the first time, I’ve noticed how there’s this sort of excitement where the thoughts are related to having to share with them ‘as much as I can in the least amount of time’ – lol, which is definitely a flawed perception where I start speeding my speech and possibly sharing a bit too many details based on this notion of ‘sharing it all’ to a person.  Here then based on those thoughts, I am driving myself in this ‘intensity’ and ‘velocity’ to share fueled by a perception that ‘this is the one and only time I’ll ever be able to open up this subject with this person so I rather use this time wisely’.

However it is in fact a flawed perception because I’ve found that in having this perception of ‘having to rush’ or ‘use this one window of opportunity to open up these topics with this person,’ I am quite sure that at times I have ended being quite overwhelming for others, which defeats the whole purpose of communication.

This implies that I have to step down from my excitement-bandwagon whenever encountering opportunities to open up conversations about topics or subjects ‘that I like,’ so that’s a flag-point for me to be aware of.

Another one is where I notice that this excitement becomes an overall physical sensation where I invariably end up speeding up my speech and in doing so – due to the excitement and the notion of ‘time is against me’ – I try and compact large subjects by giving away the most ‘impressive details’ in order to retain the attention from the other individual in the subject, which doesn’t work at all  either, because it is actually being done from the starting point of ‘fearing that the other person will lose interest’ and in that, compromise the whole communication to ‘give away cliff hangers’ that can end up being quite confusing because of not considering how new this approach I am trying to explain can be to another person.

Now all of this experience specifically only opens up in those subjects that I am more personally interested on or that spark my curiosity in a way, which can be a point of opening up my expression with another, a ‘common ground’ if you will in things that I’ve considered being ‘my field of expertise.’ In this, my expression can become a bit too bubbly, which means that I can practice ‘cooling down’ a bit to ensure that I am not running on this ‘high’ or ‘excitement’ energy, but that I can breathe and settle in my body so that I then get back to the physical and natural pace that I can usually be at in any other kind of topics or conversations.

Whenever I see that I am getting a bit too excited or curious about a topic I am discussing with a person for the first time, I have to focus on my breathing, get back to a physical awareness of my own body so that I can ‘settle back’ in myself while also learning to listen to the other person or people in what they have to say and deliberately ‘contain’ myself whenever I want to reply too quickly or go into great depths too fast, too soon, too quickly with too much information towards the person.

Here I have to consider the context of the situation and instead of perceiving that ‘this is my last chance to talk to them about this topic,’ I can instead first get to know ‘where they’re at’ in relation to the topic or point that is being opened up, get to know them first through their words so that I can at the same time reply back with the intent of following through what they are sharing to me – and not within the attempt to ‘correct’ them or ‘lay out all the knowledge and information on that subject’ and giving it all too fast and too quick that can lead to confusion, overwhelmingness or a sense of ‘imposing’ myself towards the other person or people, which of course can lead to general communication disasters, lol.

I have to ensure that I am also slowing down in my diction in situations like these, where in my mind I am looking at the ‘whole’ construction of what I want to share and then try and speak all of that in one go to the other person, which results – yes, just like sometimes it happens in these blogs – in elongated sentences that might be difficult to grasp for another in one go, especially when introducing new concepts, ideas, considerations or perspectives that might be a bit harder to digest than any other ‘regular subject.’

So in essence, I have to let go of the ‘fears’ that are existing behind this notion of a ‘one time opportunity’ to communicate about certain topics with people, and instead be considerate of their ‘allocation’ in themselves, learn to ask more questions to see ‘where they’re at’ in relation to their awareness of that topic and share bits – instead of long threads of information – ask in a rather frequent manner if it makes sense and if it is understandable, so that if not, I can look at other ways in which I can explain the same points using different vocabulary or expressions – in essence, fine tuning my expression.

And as a last pointer here simply being more considerate to Listen to the other person, slow down at their pace of sharing, make questions that are simple to digest instead of getting ‘too deep too soon’ at a first-time approach.

At the same time, I have to practice giving little ‘doses’ of words at a time – which is very much related to me correcting old patterns of parroting knowledge and information – and instead consider what’s of real substance for another to grasp in that moment and practice on ways to simplify it, ‘cut it up’ in pieces because this facilitates understanding.

I can then ask something back to see the level of comprehension on those bits of information, then continue with sharing aspects that I have lived, practiced or applied myself, while continuing to give space for the other person to share themselves.

Here also in hearing and listening to another, I can practice being present in my body, becoming aware of ‘who they are’ in their words and stopping the inner-chatter that can be so distracting, because one ends up not ‘hearing’ the other – this means I have to stop participating in inner conversations while hearing others and stop all expectations, assumptions, disruptive or antagonistic judgments and simply focus on the words.

These are the main points I can see for now, in general a slooowing down in communication for me would be beneficial in this kind of topics, taming the ‘ego’ that can emerge as well whenever talking about certain topics that I’ve defined as ‘my interest’ and being willing to be humble in conversation with another, to learn from them, to see where they’re ‘at’ instead of me wanting to ‘change their minds’ in one go or ‘break their paradigm’ or ‘explain it all’ in ‘one go’ – lol.

Here also looking back at those moments where I became aware of all of these bits to change, it’s cool to be able to acknowledge it – otherwise, how else would I have spotted this if I hadn’t in a way ‘messed up’ in certain conversations? I’d say it was about time that I got to write about these points, so thanks to Miranda that brought it up.

Thanks for reading

 

 

 

Supportive interviews:


  1. The Power of Listening – Reptilians – Part 334


  2. The Power of Listening (Part 2) – Reptilians – Part 335

 

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