Tag Archives: leisure

572. Selfishness and Equilibrium in Self Creation

Or redefining selfishness

I am looking at this word with the purpose of practically using it as a way to integrate ‘me-time’ and self-consideration when it comes to day to day living activities where, as I’ve explained in the past, I’ve had a tendency to put-off everything that had to do with ‘me-time’ and self-enjoyment time and instead geared myself with the idea of ‘always having to be doing something I’d define as productive, of use to others, of benefit to others’ and in that, create certain satisfaction of yes ‘producing something’ that to my eyes and consideration is of ‘worth’ and ‘value’ based on the support It could directly provide to others, but in this, I was at the same time neglecting this me-time where I can in fact disconnect from everything/everyone and as this awesome recording Wanting to Get Away From it All – Quantum Systemization – Part 155 explains, have this time where one does something for oneself, for one’s enjoyment at least for an hour every day.

I’ve walked in a way quite a process with this, because I’ve made it a habit to go walking on almost a daily basis for almost a decade now and I’ve defined that as the ‘me time’ where I go out for more than an hour and get away from computer and my usual environment where I created that deliberately notion of ‘I have to be doing something’, which has been supportive over time and an enjoyable time.

However, there were other hobbies and things I previously enjoyed doing that I completely put off and stopped doing altogether, like arts – painting, drawing, photography – because of defining it as something ‘selfish to do’ because I deemed it as ‘not useful for anyone’ as in ‘benefitting them in their life and process’ which was the kind of logic that I’ve used for quite some time to constantly decide and assess what I ‘should be doing’ and in that, I definitely refrained myself many times from actually doing what I’ve naturally enjoyed doing for myself before, including reading, playing music which I have to be quite honest I haven’t done in a very long time.

To me this denial of doing that which I enjoyed became a definition of a ‘virtue’ as I explained in previous blogs, and in that believing that this was part of the process, to stop doing that which would give me some kind of enjoyment or personal satisfaction and only focus on that which ‘benefits everyone else’ in one way or another. However this is only at a mind level, because I definitely not only did that with my time in reality, I could have easily integrated this ‘me time’ or ‘selfish time’ while continuing doing what I was focusing on at the time in the past, but in my absolutism, extremism and ‘black or white’ mentality, I tended to completely ‘cut my arm off’ and believe that I just could not give me the time to do something that I judged in one way or another as ‘selfish to do.’

Now, where did notion of ‘having to deny to myself’ doing that which I would naturally enjoy doing and that I had judged as ‘unproductive, useless, good for no one’ led me? Well, it was leading me to a reality of not building anything for/as myself that I could genuinely call ‘me’ and ‘for myself’ entirely, in a way having this ‘selfish activity’ where I can not only enjoy myself but actually support me to transcend all of the judgments, denials, ideas, beliefs and even self-doubt and giving up experiences that I’ve imposed onto something as seemingly ‘simple’ as painting or doing any form of artwork.

So, it is so as the audio I mentioned above explains on how in only focusing on one’s work/responsibilities, on what we have to constantly be doing ‘for others,’ and not taking time for oneself,  one is actually missing out on oneself, not really getting in contact with who we are, what we want to do and in fact see what is it that I have left ‘behind’ in this notion that ‘I cannot be selfish with my time’ and have denied myself to do that I in fact enjoy and assists me the most in developing my creative potential as a person, learn more about myself and even assists me in expanding and growing, which I had completely forgotten about myself how dedicate and detailed I can be when doing something that I am enjoying to give shape to : )

Interestingly enough I had not entirely seen how my idea of giving up something ‘selfish’ was in fact also due to the various patterns that emerge within me when having a ‘blank slate’ and create something in the moment, which even as I write this there is this very slight movement that I feel on my forearms, almost like a physical remembrance of how I have to dare and make decisions to move, to do, to create something while facing the inner judge  where I would constantly say ‘no’ to what I defined as my ‘selfish desires’ and instead direct me to do something that I defined as more productive, of support for others, advancing work/responsibilities, etc.

So the consequences of not giving myself this ‘selfish time’ so to speak is, as I’ve been explaining before, that I did get to a point of feeling like there is something ‘missing’ in it all. One can be a very ‘responsible’ person for something set that we have to do on a daily basis, but one is not really developing, growing and expanding out of one’s comfort zone which becomes work, responsibilities, and the ‘daily tasks’ that are constant or ‘always the same,’ which leads to a dissatisfaction about one’s life with an experience of lostness of ‘where am I within this whole equation? Where am I going with my life? What is it that I am creating for me, for myself, that I enjoy and that is not related to constantly doing it ‘for money/ for others’? And that’s how I opened up the point of doing art again, because of the ‘conflictive’ relationship I had created towards it within myself based on this morality-eye of it being something ‘selfish’ for me to do, almost existing in a denial of enjoyment, of having this thing that I do for, as and by myself.

Another example is I thoroughly enjoy putting jigsaw puzzles together. In past years I’ve done quite a few, thousands of pieces etc. yet, I started judging it as ‘a waste of time,’ as something that is ‘insignificant to do’ or that doesn’t ‘benefit anyone else,’ and in that, have stopped making them, except for a time when I got sick some 4 years ago where I was ‘ordered by doctor’ to rest more, which was also the result of me taking a sudden leap of ‘taking responsibility’ for something in an attempt to ‘direct the ship’ in an unprecedented situation so to speak, which over time ‘led me’ but in fact ‘I led myself to’ have a form of burnout manifested in my physical body in quite an obvious manner. So that’s the time I last made a puzzle… so! should I wait to get sick again and be ‘ordered to take some rest’ to then ‘give me the permission’ to do something I enjoy/for fun? Hell no. It might not be ‘puzzles’ right now, but it sure can be something else that I enjoyed.

This also leads me to touch on the word ‘leisure’ as well because I’ve had a ‘no go’ relationship to this word where the notion of ‘taking time off’ or ‘vacation’ sounds good but it’s never a ‘full disconnect’ for me, and it hasn’t been that way for many, many years, probably 7 years where I had restrained access to internet in order to fully disconnect from everything. And, I discovered that’s where I then focused more on my relationships with people, on enjoying the moments with ‘doing nothing’ or watching others’ lives go by and what did I naturally geared myself to? Photography. Yet at the time, there was a constant nagging thought of ‘all the work/responsibilities I’m missing out on right now’ and ‘all that I will eventually have to catch up to’ which became a form of ‘anxiety,’ which is not cool at all. I mean, if it’s vacation, it should be full vacation, completely disconnecting, and I’ve sort of tested that recently though not fully to the point of not seeing my cellphone in one entire day. Not sure that will be possible either, or at least that’s what I think at the moment, yet even if it’s not a possibility for me to ‘fully disconnect’ for some time, it can be done for a couple of hours a day and stop having this ‘work, work, work’ mentality as well, which is in a way out of a judgment and fear of ‘not being productive,’ of not doing ‘something supportive for others’ or fearing ‘being irresponsible’ in the day and in that of course implying that I’ve valued what I do and am based on how it ‘relates to others,’ instead of entirely doing it for me, as myself, my decision, my responsibility and point of accountability, which is quite different than placing ‘others’ as ‘my reason for being/doing/living.’

What I just explained is the ‘selflessness’ that I have to turn into a form of practical and moderate selfishness of course – not going into the extreme – where the principle as Bernard Poolman once shared – paraphrasing – “if you are best for you, then you are best for all” which I ‘thought’ I was doing and living already, but it takes one good look at oneself to see how much I was denying, refraining or judging myself for doing it based on seeing it through the eyes of ‘selfishness’ while at the same time covering up the actual ‘uncharted territory’ that having this me-time in fact implies as an opportunity for self-creation in whichever way I decide it to be.

What does living a practical and considerate form of selfishness as ‘me time’ or ‘living for and as myself’ mean? Two things for me:  I have to be the starting point and origin of everything I do, to stop doing things based on morality of what’s ‘good for others’ and what’s ‘useless for others’ and secondly, make a self-honest decision about how I decide to spend my time, to distribute my responsibilities throughout the day in a way where I can also ensure I give me some ‘me time’ to do what is now a form of hobby yet also ‘work’ at the same time, and stop having what I believe are ‘others eyes’ on top of that, because it’s really only been myself and my own judgments towards doing something ‘for me’ that have limited my ability to actually do it, and nope this is not a self-victimization point because I am fully aware how I did this entirely for myself, ever since I was a little girl, having this ‘duty’ mindset as my own policeman in the head, lol which proves how I had to make of ‘school work’ also art work in order to feel responsible AND creative at the same time! LOL! That’s why I didn’t have an issue with ‘how I would spend my time’ back then because I linked both ‘responsibility’ and ‘hobby’ in one, which matched my workaholic personality,  yet I don’t need to place myself ‘in school’ to do the same and I’ve been implementing this for the past weeks with cool results in my scheduling.

This is another way of looking at living creative authority, where I decide to make changes in how I approach my life, my time, my responsibilities, my ‘me time’ and see how I do/how it goes as I implement and live these changes on a daily basis.

Sure, there are some changes on how I approach things thus far, a bit less with a rush of having to be ‘on top of all things’ and whenever I get to still do that, I am learning to check with myself to see if I am pressuring myself, to the point of ‘sacrificing’ something that I ‘really wanted to do for myself’ for the sake of ‘fulfilling’ certain ideas of myself through stuff/things that I would usually do, which I also know as a somewhat former ‘workaholic’ it becomes a very ‘justifiable’ comfort zone to not be with ourselves, learn to enjoy ourselves, discover who we are when having this ‘free time’ and our creative abilities in whichever way they exist in each one of us, because that’s what has been challenging to me, and to stop the ‘dutiful’ mindset in the midst of it all, therefore that’s a current walking process for me.

What have I found in this relative ‘short’ time of giving myself more time ‘for me’ is that there is a lively spark emerging in me, based on having a reconciliation with doing arts and creating a project for it in the long run, which is certainly something that I vaguely had ‘in mind’ since the beginning of the year, but now it’s definitely a more settled and ongoing path which required me to get things going in all practical ways, from making the space to do art and then actually taking the time of the day for it, which is great so far. Now! The point is to diversify it because, as I explained, I can become artsy workaholic LOL so, I’ll look at integrating other different things to do for myself, which is a walking process as I speak. 

Now what does that mean if I become best for me as a fulfilled individual that is not only taking responsibility for things, tasks, commitments ‘as usual’ but also takes the time for personal recreation and leisure and self-enjoyment? Well that’s definitely the kind of life that I consider we should all have where there’s an equilibrium in doing what we ‘have to do’ based on yes living in a survival system, requiring money and the rest of it – and also giving oneself this me-time which definitely assists in placing our lives/our ways/our paths into perspective and leaves space for creation, self-creation, creativity, recreation – whichever way it can be placed – which is a regenerative process as I see it, very necessary to be in fact self-satisfied, which will prevent me from getting to a point in life where I’m bitter, dissatisfied and believing I’ve done ‘so much for others’ but not really living my life for and as myself.

So! I prevent myself from doing that from here on and create an equilibrium in my day to day living, which means I become a ‘healthy’ person that is living in a world of yes responsibilities, tasks, commitments and ‘selfish time’ or ‘me time’, where I am a part of the whole that lives according to what I consider is suitable, healthy, balanced and enjoyable for/as life itself in this reality.  

Thanks for reading.

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


566. Back on (the) track

Or how to decide to live a word in the small moments of our day and actually live it

Today I made a decision to ‘get back on track’ and ‘on the track’ literally speaking after ‘taking some time off’ of my usual routine during the past weeks and I found it’s sometimes a bit difficult getting ‘back on track’ after not following ‘the usual routine’. There is such a thing as ‘inertia’ where we can be naturally waking up and doing our usual stuff without a hassle, which comes as a process of walking discipline, consistency and perseverance in my case – but then after breaking the regular schedule for some time, it does require me to ‘stir the wheel’ again in the desired direction and give myself ‘the order’ to do certain things again.

Well, it all started yesterday actually where I decided to take on a little project to do some artwork for something that I never thought I would see myself doing, artwork for a kid’s story and it was fun! I realized how ‘driven’ I can be when I have ‘something to do’ as a little project, which means that I can then approach other things to do in ‘projects’ so that I can approach them in a similar manner and so use my time effectively and efficiently.

I also noticed how much I can be ‘on a roll’ and kind of procrastinate doing basic stuff like going to pee for example, so this time I had to deliberately ‘make a pause’ and take some time off for that, which is where I have to bring in common sense and physicality to not get ‘too lost’ into the ‘driven’ inertia and forget about myself, which is an interesting pattern I’ve noticed more about myself.

I’ve also decided to give that time ‘off’ for myself which I’ve usually done on a daily basis through going for a walk, but also to give myself a ‘treat’ if possible or do something different – like taking the time to do this art project for a kids story – but also taking some time ‘off’ for an hour to ‘disconnect’ from what I am doing, this is usually in the form of going out and come back to what I was doing, and yes I noticed how I could have gone ‘on and on’ with this little project, but I also set a limit in terms of having to sleep, have dinner and so forth – even deciding to watch a movie while doing the drawings which was also an ‘out of character’ thing for me to do, but managed to do it.

I’ve mostly been somewhat ‘driven’ my whole life and as much as this can be seen as a very ‘cool’ attribute, when it becomes a form of immovable duty and coming with a strong sense of ‘I am what I do’ it becomes something that’s more ‘for something/someone’ rather than for myself, which is something I’ll continue exploring as well. At the same time, I’ve also found that I can create a balance in how I use my time and learning to ‘take time off’ and genuinely ‘disconnect’ from certain things in our day to day routine and before I would be quite reluctant to do this and I frankly still can’t watch something and not do ‘something’ at the same time, but I’ll get there – unless I go to the movies where I have nothing else to do but sit and watch lol.

I share this because I consider many people might have the same personality/character trait, this ‘duty calls’ type of personality that at times overrides this ‘me-time’ consideration and I’m quite grateful for the past weeks that have allowed me to place things into perspective in many aspects of my current life which I’ll be sharing here as I go opening them up.

But! Back to today. So I woke up at the usual early time and I noticed that this ‘inertia’ of maybe just going back to sleep was starting to emerge in me, so I reminded myself of my own suggestion of the ‘breath-wake-up’ which is inhaling to get up from bed and exhaling while getting out of it, all in one breath and bam, one is awake. But I noticed that I required to give myself a direction this time, not a ‘reason’ or ‘purpose’ though, but rather more like what I could live in that insta-moment of waking up, and what came up in me as this ‘word to live’ was ‘Will’ and I said to myself ‘I will myself to wake up’ and actually do it, the ‘I Matter’ recording that was released recently can give an awesome perspective on this, which simplifies and clarifies a lot of what we can do to make each ‘little moment’ count in our lives and to me this was ‘the moment’ that also set the tonality for the rest of the day.

Such a simple moment of self-direction made a difference to this creeping ‘comfy’ idea of ‘possibly maybe just starting to jog again tomorrow’ and diving into the comfort zone of ‘doing it tomorrow instead’, but! through simply saying these words and actually doing what I just said I would do which is to ‘will myself’ and do what I had planned to do since yesterday, I was able to start the day as usual and get back on track with my routine which I also enjoy.

Going for a jog after some 2 weeks of not actively doing so is definitely at times a bit awkward, but with time and consistency over these past 2 years, my body gets adjusted more rapidly to it and I’ve noticed how I definitely enjoy having this ‘me-time’ point in the mornings of doing something not only for my ‘mental enjoyment’ but physical support and enjoyment. I came back and did some freestyle moves with some music which felt really nice in the whole body, like every cell taking a nice breath and yep, that was cool.

I got to finish the project that I was working on and was satisfied with the outcome of it, which again is not something I would have ‘personally chosen to do’ before as in ‘the usual marlen’ persona that would not see herself as ‘suitable for kids’ but! I challenged that with the help of my friends that gave me the opportunity and encouragement to do it, which I am quite happy about now because it’s another way for me to continue practicing my art skills and expand into new territories J

I’ll be sharing more as I go in redefining some words and learning to live them as myself, my relationship to the notion of ‘being an example’ and how I had twisted that phrase a bit in my life and other interesting words that I would not have been able to see for myself without taking this ‘time off,’ which I would also recommend doing especially for those that ‘like me’ have a particular strong sense of ‘duty’ or ‘workaholism’ that in essence it’s not so much of a ‘noble feat’ but also a way for us to hide behind a comfort zone of ‘responsibilities’ and ‘work’ and the rest of it, so! I challenge thou if you can relate to that particular pattern, because I know how it may seem like ‘I am missing out on my duty omg!’ but, from time to time it is refreshing and assists oneself in having a second look at one’s life and come ‘back’ revitalized and with a clearer head to move forward.

An awesome Eqafe recording I suggest checking out to get some clarity on this subject of ‘taking some time off’ is the following one Wanting to Get Away From it All – Quantum Systemization – Part 155, which I recommend for those that are ‘similar’ to what I’ve described in this blog.

Thanks for reading

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


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