Tag Archives: light vs. dark

174. Sinking in Reactions after Thinking and Not Doing

 

As mentioned in the previous blog, giving into an experience of the mind is asserting me as the thoughts that create such experience and as such, I’ll walk the specific experiences that emerge from the thoughts and as such, ensure that I walk every aspect of the dimensions walked to far in order to assist and support me to become aware of the energetic experiences I create from the negative to the positive in order to ‘make it alright’ in my mind to actually not do the task at hand, and still remain in a positive experience in my reality.

 

This is thus walking the Reaction dimension within the Postponement character.

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements

– First prominent thought of ‘the office’ – imagination, backchat and reaction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with an experience of tediousness when thinking/ having the thought of my professor’s office wherein I go into a sinking-in reaction of further participation in backchat with thoughts like ‘It’s going to take sooo long for it to get done, I rather not do it now’ and within this experience already giving up my ability to direct myself in the physical, stopping participation in the thought and the reaction as dullness/ apathy and tediousness that I create in that moment in order to justify my decision to ‘leave it for later,’ wherein I can see and realize that it is NOT my decision to ‘leave it for later’ but actually me giving into the negative experience of dullness/ apathy and tediousness as a reason and justification to instead, seek to do that which I ‘would rather do’ which is something else that I have defined as a positive experience/ giving me a sense of ‘satisfaction’ according to the values placed/ given to other activities that I have defined as ‘more productive,’ without realizing the responsibility at hand that is in-fact here for me to walk and do, instead of seeking to do ‘something else instead’ that is clearly being defined as a ‘preferable task’ instead of what simply has to be done/ must be done.

When and as I see myself going into an experience of future projected tediousness, apathy and distress when going into the thought of the office, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I actually imprinted this experience of tediousness toward the office in itself due to having had to wait for my professor to be available outside the office and then going into the office with an accumulation of tediousness from having to wait outside for a while, which is then how the moment that I went into the office and imprinted that ‘first impression’ of his office with bright white light, sitting in front of him and handing my writing, I was experiencing myself with such dullness and tediousness due to me having had the backchat prior to entering the office in the lines of ‘This is how it’s going to be every time that I come here to revise my work, I’ll have to wait till he’s here/ he’s available, and it sucks’  thus

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate backchat and an experience of tediousness based on the moment prior to getting into my professor’s office due to the amount of time that I had to wait for him to be available and within that, being thinking that ‘I should have come another day/ another time’/ ‘this is going to take forever every time that I have to consult him’  and within this making an experience of having to wait for him to be available and in this, carrying this experience of dullness/ apathy and tediousness into the office wherein in my mind, I captured the thought of ‘finally getting into the office’ with a mix of the ‘carried’ tediousness/ apathy and dullness of having waited outside and imprinting now an expectation as slight nervousness and even ‘controlled anxiety’ when finally facing him and handing my writings to be revised’

I realize that all of this is captured in one single though of the office being ‘loaded’ with the experience of tediousness, dullness for having waited outside of the office and then the accumulated expectation, nervousness and anxiety that I accepted and allowed myself to participate in within that first time/ moment of going to my professor’s office and as such, creating and imprinting this entire experience as ‘the revision time’ represented by the thought of the office with the bright white daylight, generating within me the same mix of dullness, fear, anxiety and tediousness whenever I think of ‘doing my writing’ and immediately come up with the thought of the office with the bright white light daylight coming through as a non-desirable experience within me.

 

When and as I see myself going to the office and creating and loading the future projection of the office and the experience of tediousness mixed with nervousness as an entire ‘negative experience’ within me – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am creating these experiences based on my own acceptance and allowance of thinking in the moment of going to the office and within the thinking, generating an experience that I ‘saved’ as a single thought linked to the physical action of revising my writings, and within this creating an entire experience of it all being something ‘I don’t want to do,’ which is manipulating myself to always only do and remain within a comfortable zone/ doing what I would ‘prefer’/ would rather be doing, without realizing that this is all my inner-mind tricks and manipulation tactics through fear and negative experiences in order for me to not simply physically do something. Thus

I commit myself to walk the process of actually stopping the thought of ‘the office and the white bright light image’ and the memory replay of me having waited for a long time before going inside as an entire ‘negative imprint’ to the physical action of taking my writings for revision, and within stopping, directing myself to actually work on my writings in order to be available and willing to share them/ go for a revision as a physical practical measure that is required to be taken within this process of me writing and requiring a revision in order to get feedback, which is also a requirement within this process.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to future project a moment within that office wherein I will be told that I simply have to ‘do it all over again’ as a negative experience that I have imprinted onto that moment of ‘revision’ that I have imprinted with a negative reaction within me of nervousness and anxiety that I actually accept and allow myself to go into just by playing out this future-scenario within my mind of ‘having to do it all over again’ without realizing that I have created this based on linking the word ‘revision’ to a negative experience within the belief that it means ‘doing everything all over again,’ which is in fact an exaggeration as I see and realize that this is only me in my imagination making everything ‘more’ than what it is, in order to use this imagination as an excuse to Not do things.

When and as I see myself reacting in nervousness and anxiety within the imagination of being sitting in that office and listening that I have to do it all over again, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just me playing a picture running in my mind that I am using as an excuse to not move – therefore

I commit myself to stop participation in that initial thought of the office and within this, stopping participation in the anxiety and nervousness that comes when imagining a play out that is  of a ‘negative outcome / negative in nature’ as I realize that I am here, in the physical moment having all that I require in order to get this task done – therefore I assist and support myself to get this task done in the physical as a movement I make, breathing through any reactions that I have participated in throughout an extended period of time.

I realize that when having accumulated the same imagination play out for an extended period of time, it will take me absolute directive principle to stop going into the same ‘comfort zone’ of imagining this entire play out as something negative that leads me to manipulate myself to instead, create a positive experience of what I could instead be doing in my reality, to not do the task at hand, which is unacceptable.

 

Thought of ‘the folder’ containing the writings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an experience of absolute anxiety the moment that I see the folder in my documents in my computer containing all the writings and information for my writing, and within this immediately shifting my attention to ‘something else’/ some other document in order to shove away all the plethora of thoughts that I have accumulated over time in relation to ‘having to get this done,’ and actually not do it, but scroll down and or shift the window and continue with ‘other things’ that I have considered are more ‘comfortable’ to work with, that are ‘better things to do’ instead of tapping onto this writing, which is manipulating myself to believe that the experience of anxiety and nervousness is in fact real and as such something ‘difficult’ to walk through, without realizing that it is a matter of realizing that I have created this experience linked to the amount of time that I have procrastinated this particular task and as such, created into a single ‘fear’ of even looking at the folder due to this single action meaning that I have Not been self-responsible in all aspects in my world – hence the anxiety and nervousness when realizing the dishonesty toward written points that I have to direct in my reality.

 

When and as I see myself reacting with absolute fear and anxiety just by looking at the folder containing my writings, I take a deep breathe, I stop for a moment and realize that the moment is here to work with it and that all it physically takes is to click on it, open it and search for the latest version of my document in order to arrange what I have done, and take the necessary steps to update my current direction that I’ve been ‘intending’ to give the writing and that I can do so in this moment that I see and realize it must be done.

 

I commit myself to realizing that this only takes actually clicks on my mouse and physically typing which is something I consider I am quite comfortable doing, and within this stick to breath, focusing my attention on the points that are HERE to be faced and remain constant and consistent within my own awareness of what I am reading, what I am writing and keeping in ‘mind’ the direction of it all as a commitment to get this done.

 

I realize that the commitment to stop manipulation through all the negative experiences attached to one single point of writing the document and facing the revision is precisely a part of the ‘problem’ that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the two primary points as thoughts, imaginations loaded with backchat in relation to why I don’t want to do this/ why I could simply skip it this moment and do it later, and in this perpetuate a manipulation within myself and toward my reality, wherein all I see and realize remains is this ‘load’ that only grows day by day due to not having given proper direction to it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a reaction of absolute apathy toward something that simply has to be written, as I realize that I don’t require to be motivated with a positive experience to do things/ get things done, as I realize that only us as the mind have accepted and allowed ourselves to condition ourselves to only move if there is ‘something in it for us’ as a reward/ further positive experiences that we have given value to in order to ‘move’ and ‘be motivated’ within this

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to have a motivation to move/ to write/ to get things done as a positive experience, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in my process of getting out of the mind and into the physical Self Will means no energy is required to move myself and such, I direct myself as the physical reality that is here to move/ direct and live as physical movements and that only me as a mind would require a positive experience as an incentive to move – thus I stop seeking for  a ‘reason’ outside of myself as a positive outcome/ reaction within me upon thinking about ‘I am going to do this’

 

I commit myself to realize that whenever I direct myself as the thoughts ‘I am writing this document’ that I do not participate in either a positive or a negative experience’ but simply realize that it is a physical and tangible point to direct in my reality and that in physicality we don’t require to manipulate ourselves with energy to get things done, we don’t require to fear to get things done, we don’t require to feel anxious or nervous within future play-outs of our experience within further imagination moments that we have given our power away to. This is a single decision to stop participating in energy as a demotivation/ motivation to do move in the physical reality.

I realize that by creating any experience upon something that must be done, I am not yet being fully Self-Directive as a physical being, which is then a necessary point to realize as a constant breathing process wherein I realize that all that I require as tools are here with me and that I’ve got both hands, my breath to move myself in the physical and that’s it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a general reaction of irritation and annoyance toward myself due to realizing and falling flat on the realization that I am being the only obstacle within this, and that I have been the one that has been ‘in front of my way’ all the time – thus

When and as I see myself creating an experience of irritation and further annoyance toward myself for not doing things, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is an unnecessary experience to go into within the realization that the only way to correct this is by doing it, instead of pulling out further experiences, abusing myself, my physical body and lashing it out ‘onto the world’ for something that I am fully aware I am responsible for.

I commit myself to establish myself as breath to not allow these ‘subtleties’ as annoyance irritation created within me and lashing it out onto others/ the world as I realize that I am the only one that is able to stop the experience and actually direct myself to what is required to be done in this particular task and that no matter how ‘angry’ I get at myself, only physically correcting the pattern will solve the problem – thus I am the ‘problem’ and I am the solution.

I commit myself to establish my self-discipline in relation to actually doing this as part of my daily routine without any excuses and justification that can create further experience upon having ‘written it out but not living it’ which is the morphed character that must be considered at all times in order to not re-create or further evolve the character by laying it out ‘nicely’ but not living it – and that is where Self Honesty resides.

 

I will continue with further reactions experiences within the entire walking of the procrastination character.

 

Reaction Self-Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define WHO I AM into and as energy-experiences within and as an complete alternate reality, separate from/of my PHYSICAL BODY, never questioning “but, why – when I am IN this BODY in EVERY BREATH, do I not stand WITH it, AS it, in and as equality and oneness in being able to relate to it, communicate with it, “experience” it? Why am I existing in separation from it in a reality/system as the MIND as ENERGY that I do not have full context, comprehension or understanding of AT ALL, regarding where thoughts exactly come from, how energies are in fact created, why/how does things so seemingly automatically come up in my Mind that I have no control of?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to so readily FOLLOW energy-experiences and the personification of energy as the dimensions of Personality as thought, imagination, backchat, and behaviour so often that it’s become so “accepted” – that I never even stopped for a moment to consider how LITTLE I am in fact aware of my PHYSICAL BODY, my BREATHING and my communication, interaction and participation with others in this world/reality as ALL the living beings, organisms, micro-organisms – the actual LIVING REALITY that is here. – Sunette Spies*

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172. Creating Excuses instead of Solutions

Continuing with the Backchat point that I began walking yesterday within the procrastination character

A backchat-point that is more ingrained and let’s say ‘case specific’ is not only with regards to a sheer point of laziness/ procrastination that is physically here – yes – however the reasons behind it which all do happen at the level of backchat an internal conversations have more to do with how I have judged this particular task as useless, as a mere protocol, as meaningless within the consideration of what type of degree this is, even seeing it as a waste of time and money to get it done – all of it yes, excuses existing only in my mind that I have given value to in order to continue justifying my ‘demotivation’ to do it, however if we look at ourselves and this world, we have become so used to motivate ourselves for a specific positive-outcome or positive-experience to do things that it then becomes one of the ‘fuels’ that keep us running.

As I write this I also see how I am squandering an opportunity that many people would have liked to have, which is then absolutely unacceptable, because I am aware of the rate of individuals that are in no way able to assist to college or pay for an entire career to get to the point of graduation. I am aware that my education cost me literally cents every year, however that doesn’t mean that because it is almost ‘free’ my commitment to it must not change.

I also see another point which is how I have accepted and allowed my personal experience toward the career in itself to be a decisive factor for me to not want to ‘do this’ based on preference – once again, in my mind this was like a disenchanted romance that ended up in my mind rather ‘bad’ from the perspective of me not wanting anything to do with ‘art’ at all. Thus this is the main point for me to work with, because I see there is an attraction/ repulsion going on which can only exist as a reverend masterpiece of mindfuckism™ that I have created within this.

So – I’ll walk the most prominent backchat within this that I can see can be an ever ‘deeper’ level of excuses and justifications to not do things.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘this is something utterly useless to do’ which is based on me believing that having an art degree is useless, which is stemming from my introspection and realization of how and why I decided to study art in the first place, which became a point I judged as shallow, ‘easy way out of the system,’ and essentially avoiding to be ‘in the system’ according to my standards back then, which is how I make it all as if it had been a drag to complete my studies, simply because of not seeing myself with the enthusiasm and ‘love for art’ that I initially believed I had – thus I realize that within this ‘low’ after the great romance with art, I experienced myself demotivated to have anything to do with it, which implies that I am still holding on to my own remorse and repent for having chosen this career as a 5 year-study in my life that I won’t be dedicating myself to – and as I write this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience anxiety and a general nervousness within the area of the solar plexus due to me making time as something that has been squandered / useless within my life when studying art, without realizing that such categorization and valuation in time can only exist if I measure myself according to what ‘others’ have done in their lives/ what their careers will be/ have been which I have considered are more suitable to our current reality and projects within this world, other than having an ‘art degree.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a slight shame of myself when people ask what I studied, almost as if I wanted to hide the fact that I studied art for seeing it now as a useless piece of study and wasted time in my life, instead of actually considering that it is a career just as any other career in our current world system wherein no-career is in fact precisely supportive for human beings, as all careers and studies are currently veered toward maintaining a world system based on money/ survival wherein no life is currently being considered as THE point to support within all careers and all studies.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no matter if I walked the ‘artist character’ I did not precisely tap into the judgments and criticism toward art itself and all the backchat I’ve held toward it which is similar to what one partner would have to say about another partner when the relationship didn’t work out – thus, I realize that my grudge toward myself for my own choices in life, are affecting me to finally do this ‘final kick’ as I am seeing myself being apparently incongruent with having to write about ‘my experience’ in school which is something that I have still judged as a ‘useless/ waste of time,’ while fearing actually hurting/ demeaning people’s activity there which is all related to art, obviously.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I ever had a ‘real affection’ for art or ‘real love’ for art as I used to say to myself, without realizing that I simply chose this a s point to get infatuated with , as it covered my then personality requirements and satisfied me as my ego – which is how and why after walking this process almost from the beginning of my career, I had a tough time having to realize how I had fooled myself around the whole ‘art thing’ in the first place as a total character that I embodied/ became for my personal benefit and desires to be famous/ well known and have good money without having to be ‘in the system,’ which is how due to holding a judgment toward myself for such choices in life, I now don’t want ‘anything to do’ with it, without realizing that it is very convenient backchat that I have formulated in order to not do things.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that people/ professors are expecting something of me – while at the same time realizing that I haven’t really built any ‘artist portfolio’ that I could present myself with, which I had created as a separate aspect of myself in relation to being a ‘visual artist’ without realizing that I am actually walking the process of creating myself which in itself, must also be an ‘art’ as a self-mastery that is not related to color or shapes or concepts other than working with the concept that I’ve become – thus there is no point to use the backchat of ‘they must be expecting something ‘great’ from me within this work’ which is only one added point of fearing not being ‘good enough’ within others’ expectations, which is then an aspect that I see myself being ‘limited by’ – wanting to in my mind create this ‘great revolutionary work’ and thinking of all the possible ways to approach it, instead of actually physically writing it out, arranging it so that it becomes an actuality instead of just a ‘great thing’ in my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create my own standards of ‘excellence’ within me that I am eventually tampering my ability to work with myself, and this is in relation to who I am with regards to the idea of myself as ‘the great student’ and within this belief of myself, still holding it as a background and character that I must apparently ‘fulfill’ at the eyes of the academy,  which is then me as ego wanting to do a work as ego, not really benefiting anyone with it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to now go into a ‘guilty experience’ due to having squandered time to get this done, and realizing that many would have wanted to be in my position which is just another way to blackmail myself into feeling ‘bad’ and thus moving myself only out of guilt and remorse instead of simply clearing my starting point to do this work.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the starting point of doing this work as a way to simply ‘get this done and over with,’ which is not entirely stemming from self-stability and decision to do it, but mostly like a ‘stone/ obstacle to get out of the way’ which is then not an equal and one participation moment to moment to do it, but mostly something that is simply done to ‘get over with it’ which contains an entire experience of my own disillusionment with the career, which is just like signing away a divorce by first having to spend one more time with the ‘ex-partner’ without really being together any longer thus –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of my entire career as a failed-decision, a failed-marriage, a failed-experience due to realizing the starting point in self honesty of me having chosen this career. Thus instead of further victimization with regards to seeing it all as a ‘wrong choice,’ I realize that this is further excuses and justifications wherein I have considered ‘how I feel’ toward art/  my career and create a relationship with it, instead of seeing it as any other systematic task that I must accomplish as part of the responsibilities I hold toward my world and reality ‘as is.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed so much bullshit to run around in my mind as backchat that I ‘pay attention to’ in order to procrastinate this point within the ‘uselessness’ category, wherein I see that in my mind I apparently would expect to ‘invest my time’ in something ‘greater’ however, this is a blatant excuse as that would be creating my own value system according to what I consider is ‘more valuable/ more worthy to spend my precious time on’ and what not, which is not so.

 

I realize that this work to be done is actually a cool opportunity to leave a whole new perspective of approaching – well not entirely/ absolutely ‘New’ but continuing where Beuys left off – the creative act and creation in itself of the individual and society as a whole.

 

I realize that all of these statements, future projections, past regrets and spiteful actions toward ‘my career’ are in fact toward myself and my choice to study art, which implies that I must first forgive myself unconditionally for the choices I’ve made in my life – which is a necessary point to not make this ‘more’ than what it is.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to equate my career to this ‘bad experience/ bad romance’ that ended up ‘bad’ according to the high expectations that I had held toward myself, my career and my so-called certainty to change my vocation to art instead of being a linguist, wherein I see there is a point of regret – however, there is no point in holding on to this –

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for all the amount of money that my father spent on this career all for me to eventually ‘be an artist’ which I am not going to be in this life, and within this use this point of ‘feeling bad’ as another excuse to simply Not do this at all, as a way to not wanting to be facing my own decision within doing the work, not wanting to face my own career choice while doing the work – and all of these limitations have climbed up to become an obstacle that has become like a grudge within me that I have used as a justification and excuse to not do things.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience failure within me when seeing people actually enjoying themselves within the career and already moving within the artworld wherein I see myself as nowhere near that or even interested in that which has also become a point of comparison and believing that I cannot possibly write about something that I am not fully committed to – which implies that I am still seeing the starting point of doing this work as it being ‘for the academy’ instead of this work being for myself, to actually complete what I have vowed myself to do and finish from the beginning.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually hear/ pay attention and even use these mind assessments of my reality as something ‘valuable’ to consider in order to direct myself within my world and reality, which is unacceptable considering that none of them are in fact standing within the consideration of supporting and assisting myself to get things done without using any background information/ backchat to decide whether doing it or not.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use backchat as a way to convince me that this would not have to be done in the end and within me holding a ‘hope’ that somehow this would not have to be done, that I would be able to regain my automatic graduation point without having to do this work, without realizing that in such hope I am existing in a similar way to a faithfully deceived religious person that waits for something/ someone to fix their situation, instead of taking Self Responsibility at all times.

 

I realize that I have all the ability to stop associating this work to being the fruit of a failed decision in life and instead, align its starting point to a living decision that I’ve made to dedicate myself to what is best for all and as such, realizing that no matter for whom or for what I write, what I write as myself, my expression, no need to ‘fix myself’ to suit parameters that I have believed myself I must ‘fake’ in order to please others, this is about my own creation that stands as an extension of myself, my own realizations and as such, is no different to writing a blog, writing a post, writing myself to explain myself to any other person.

I realize that I have been the only one that has been the real obstacle within this all as the relationship of love/hate I created toward my career choice,  nothing else but another character that I made of myself – thus this stops here.

 

I commit myself to stop creating excuses and justifications as thoughts of how and why this is something useless to do and that I’d rather ‘do something else,’ without realizing that these are just blatant excuses to not do this in fact – thus, I direct myself to establish me as the starting point of this work, to establish myself as the directive principle within this task instead of still thinking that I am doing this for ‘someone else’ or only to ‘get a paper.’ I instead assist and support me to realize that I am my own starting point at all times of everything that I do, write, say and think even, wherein I can decide in one single moment to step out of character and this entire relationship toward my past and simply do this as a fresh-point that I decide to begin here.

I realize that I do not require to ‘carry’ all my past and personal experience within it, but actually be able to create a common sensical perspective upon creation/ creative process in itself in means of creating oneself as an individual that is able to become an equal part of the whole while using our self-creative abilities to do so, which is what begins with myself by writing this out and using this document as a way to also support others to realize the same.

 

More to continue.. Yes, until it is done.

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Journeys into the Afterlife – The Future Selves – Part 35

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