427. Walking through the Fear of Making a Decision

 

 

“OBSERVE yourself in that moment ob-SERVE, serve yourself with some awareness through observation, in the moment MOVE yourself to ask “why am I allowing the mind to be more than me/a decision to change here?” and then do a forgiveness / breathing to stand and not accept/allow the thoughts/emotions to take over”

 

There has been a couple of situations lately where I accepted fear as a limitation to move and direct myself here, I created a situation of secrecy based on the fear of being judged for the decisions I’ve made in my life. This is not a new situation, it is a pattern and it was interesting to see how I feared making a decision based on the past experiences upon similar decisions and the consequences it created, but in the end I didn’t realize that it was myself that had made those decisions and that the consequence was not really an outflow imposed by others, but actually created by myself and the nature of my decision.

In this I can share that when making decisions in our lives, it is important to not allow our own projected judgment to take over about what ‘others’ will think/say/conclude about one’s decision, it should not matter. This is about oneself being fully aware of and willing to stand in self-responsibility upon making a decision in one’s life, to equate all possible outcomes and have the ability to face the outflows of it, not only in terms of willing oneself to take responsibility for it, but in practical physical reality terms which includes physical bodies, money, world-system considerations, the minds and experiences of the people involved in such decision and whoever else in the environment will be affected by it. Many times we make decisions based on fears and desires and that is not the best way to approach a decision.

 

A decision is then the end result of having assessed all the possible outflows of a situation, considering who and what will be affected by such decision, to ensure that it is not driven by an emotion or a feeling, but by a set of principles that one is willing to stand by and apply at all times from the moment of making a decision to take a certain step in one’s life and on. Many times we first make a decision based on a ‘hunch’ or on a desire or fear – which is the same anyways, driven by an energetic experience – and only later, after the decision is settled,  do we assess what is actually doable and possible in physical reality and what kind of things we actually need to make such decision a reality – this is how we mostly trap ourselves in our decisions, by not considering all the outflows of it and ensuring one is willing to walk through them and ensuring that no matter what, one has the ability to stand up and remain directive.

 

So, I went through a process of keeping a significant decision in my life secret. Why? Well because I projected ideas, beliefs and fears about what others would think of such decision in my life based on past experiences. Where did this lead me to? It led me to then have to walk through my self-created ‘fear’ of having to for once and for all ‘reveal’ or ‘expose’ such decision to the people I had created a ‘fear’ of exposing it to, and the outcome was that it wasn’t as anything that I had created/expected in my mind. I realized in that moment what a big deal I had made and how in fearing ‘what others would say’ about it, I was in fact getting distracted from what actually matters: it is not about ‘others,’ it is never about what ‘others’ would think or say, this is of course about my life and the lives of those involved in this decision. I once again saw how ‘easy’ it is to in the mind get distracted with these seemingly ‘torturing’ experiences of keeping secrets and deciding to not have anyone else to reference a decision with; in a way it is a risk to decide on certain things and not reference them with anyone else, I decided to do that and realized that what I required was me willing to stand by it and learn from it whatever it may bring.  

In this, I would recommend to not fall into the ‘blowing things out of proportion’ that the mind is keen on creating about the result and outflow of confronting such decisions or even sharing about such decisions, and rather taking a breath and walk through the resistance to share something, to face that ‘fear of being judged’ and realize that a judgment does not really do ‘anything’ to us, because whichever point we are fearing to hear about others, we should have first worked with and assessed within ourselves first. Like, for example, seeing: what am I actually fearing to hear from others as feedback upon my decision? And in that rather exploring such ‘fears’ I have and understand them as an outflow of my own doubts, of my own judgments, of my own uncertainties which I should then clarify for myself first, instead of projecting them as potential situations coming from others toward ‘me.’

In fact, one can only fear ‘what others would say’ if one has not yet fully grounded oneself in such decision and is 100% certain on it, and this is how one inkling of doubt taken on as a general doubt toward the decision can be blown out of proportion and made much more than what it practically should be: a process of walking the decision and taking on ‘the points’ that emerge with it and as a result of it moment by moment.

One thing that is always great to recognize is that whatever I bring to my life, is my responsibility and no one else’s, it is my own set of choices that I will have to stand up to and walk through, and in this is also cool to be aware of fearing taking certain risks, failing, making mistakes, bringing undesired consequences, but I have also realized that many times I have fallen for being over-analyzing everything and as such not really taking any risks, which many times leads to stagnation and general limitations based on – once again – rather avoiding undesired outcomes and consequences. But, we would not move as much in life if we constantly held up these fears as reasons to not do things, this is all about being able to measure ‘who am I’ in this decision? what is my starting point within it? what are the potential outflows by me taking this decision? Who am I affecting with my decisions? Have I considered what to do in potential situations that become challenging throughout walking that decision? And so walk the point in self-responsibility and at all times reminding myself that: I made this decision therefore, I assume all the responsibility and outflows that come from it.

In this then, making a seemingly ‘risky’ decision can become at the same time also a point for self-empowerment, where I can prove to myself what I am able to walk through or ‘confront’ myself and others in certain situation and if mistakes arise or ‘failures’ come up, I will only be able to go back to the drawing board and learn from it, seeing what I didn’t take into consideration  based on reality and so seeing where my decision was clouded by a certain desire or fear or any other illusion that was not grounded in physical reality.

It is also then cool to strip our decisions from any fears, doubts and projected expectations about it all, as these are all mind elements that are not necessary to be considered when actually walking a decision and making it work.

Change in our lives is something we are programmed to fear the most and resist the most, we don’t like our ‘little bubbles’ of idleness and status quo to be challenged and changed, and if we look at where this has led us in the world system, it is to stagnation in devolution: only getting worse because we’ve feared to stand up and make serious decisions that involve and require absolute self-responsibility and willingness to walk through the choices we make, even if they mean going ‘the wrong way,’ we can only learn as we fall and create another way to stand up again.  This life is our educational ground and whichever decision we make in our lives, it is best to prepare oneself to fully face it and acknowledge the outflows of it, ensuring one is clear from any mind experience around it and so be able to stand through it not only ‘for the moment’ but as a general process of decision-making steps that lead to a particular outcome generally defined as a new experience in one’s life, a new situation, another ‘phase’ which we usually would not lead ourselves into.  

So it really only takes one moment to make a decision to walk through the seemingly overwhelming and nerve-wracking fear that seems to be overpowering oneself and just do it. , It was funny the day after I faced this point I was laughing at myself after I ‘faced my fear’ and was asking to myself ‘wtf was that?’ because it was such a ‘throwback experience’ to the who I was in the past in similar situations. Fortunately I was able to be supported back at the same time and so this assisted me in realizing what a mindfuck that was so, it is a point I share here to understand that the mind’s job is to blow things out of proportion, at all times: it feeds off from conflict.  We can only be grateful to fall flat back on the ground and realize what a big deal one makes out of something.

In any case, we can always remind ourselves that whichever judgment or experience another creates about one’s decision, such judgment or experience is about themselves and their own mind/judgments only, which is a basic aspect to consider as well. In this then one should then consider at the meaningful feedback that can be obtained not as a ‘judgment’ but as feedback that one can use to take into consideration, to assess within ourselves if it is in fact supportive and necessary to reflect back upon it.

So instead of fearing others’ judgment about our decisions, it is to rather ask oneself what is this fear of mine reflecting back to me about the decision I’ve made? What am I not entirely clear about? What am I fearing about my decision? Then it is not about ‘others’ and what they might say or think about ‘myself’ and ‘my decision,’ but about oneself only, it is entirely our responsibility to face our lives, our decisions, our ‘choices’ and this way, it will be much easier to share one’s decision, once that one has walked through self-forgiving the multiple scenarios and ideas and ‘what ifs’ and rather ‘arm’ oneself with necessary principles to face one’s decision, assess physical reality and so stand by what one decides upon in self-responsibility, realizing that the decision is not a ‘once off’ situation, but rather a continuous living of such decision which in all cases we can always learn more about ourselves, others and living in general.

 

Thanks for reading

 

137. Who am I within Choosing?

 

Fear: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘want to have it all’ while facing a point of decision between two or more options wherein the fear that emerges is ‘missing out on something’ by choosing one point or the other, instead of realizing that a want, need and desire exist as a mind point that can in fact be grounded and ‘landed’ to transform it into a physical practical and self-aware decision to be, do and live from the starting point of what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself fearing losing ‘the other one’ point as ‘option’ that I believed and perceived myself to have, I stop and I breathe – I realize that such point of possession to create a sense of ‘winning’ one and ‘losing’ the other only exists depending on the point of preference that I have created in my mind. Thus it is to instead change the starting point of who I am within having to ‘choose’ and instead of ‘choosing,’ simply turning the point into an informed decision that I can stand by for eternity.

 

I realize that the perceived loss is not real as it only exists within my mind, therefore it is to precisely walk the realization that I cannot fear losing something/someone that I cannot ‘own,’ thus it is to simply stop recreating the relationship in my own mind that holds no physical foundation other than thoughts, feelings and emotions when going into a conflict due to ‘fearing’ losing that other choice that only exists at a mind level. Instead I asses the points within the physical reality and stopping judging one or the other as ‘superior’ and ‘inferior’ as that’s only mind-assessing a point, instead of looking at it physically

 

I commit myself to realize that whenever I have ‘two choices’ and see myself wanting to ‘have it all’ as a point of mind possession to end up ‘winning,’ to see and realize that a point of choice can exist within the consideration of its viability and how plausible it is in this physical reality – as it is also a point to assess within practical terms instead of only viewing it as a point of preference as a ‘choice’ of a positive or a negative outcome, as that limits the point and reduces both options to simple inferior/ superior points as defined within the relationship we have formed with them in our mind, instead of walking it physically.

I see and realize that the first and primary point is walking my self equality and oneness wherein I cannot be defined by having/ not having/ holding one relationship to something/ someone, but instead are physically directed as points of support that I can align myself to without generating a desire and fear about it, but simply making decisions that are based on what is best for myself as all – and that’s the only valid point to take into consideration when making a decision. 

 

 

Thought:I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of a point of leaving something/ someone behind/ missing out on something/someone which is placing a point of value/worth in separation of myself, missing out the actuality as the realization of who we are as one and equal wherein there can exist no loss nor gain in any way whatsoever.

when and as I see myself creating a point of conflict because of not wanting to ‘leave’ something/ someone behind in means of opting for the choice/ point that is in fact best for all, I stop and I breathe. I realize that there is no point of gain or loss within making an informed decision that is best for all, as all that I am is in fact here as one and equal and that what I decide to be/ become and support myself with, can stand within such equal and one consideration as I am the one that decides the starting point of  myself within what’s best for all.

In this I can ensure that I in fact assist and support myself within my process, creating a point of actual self-support wherein I do not define ‘who I am’ based on the options/ points that I decide to walk with/ support myself with or dismiss, but instead become actual living-physical decisions of what can work and what cannot work, and in this the mind’s experience is not relevant as a decisive factor to ‘what I choose’  as this ‘choice’ can only exist within the principle of what is best for all in fact –

 

I commit myself to see realize and understand that a decision made within the consideration of what is best for, all cannot have a point of ‘lack’ in itself, it is to then see the ‘lack’ and sense of ‘dismissing’ as mind-created experiences in order to keep myself within a point of conflict that cannot exist and do not have to exist if there is clarity and certainty within the decisions made within the principle of what’s best for all – thus I realize that any dubitative mode around something, must be looked at what I fear ‘losing,’ then realizing that point of loss as an actual illusion created only in my mind as I cannot in fact ‘own’ something/ someone – it is only a decision to walk in this or that direction within the consideration of what is in fact best for all.

 

 

Imagination: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ultimate satisfaction as physical exploration wherein I can get ‘what I want ‘and within that, satisfy only a desire in my mind that in fact indicates a point that I have separated myself from – in this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself through relationships to options/ choices that generate a point of conflict wherein I am the one that has created the conflict when not considering the point in practicality, but instead approach it at the level of desire/ want and need.

 

 

When and as I see myself imagining a point of happiness in relation to ‘having it all/ being able to keep the best of both worlds,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that when walking the points of separation toward one or the other points/ choices, I am in fact able to see what remains as a practical and physical solution, wherein there is no longer a ‘make believe’ reality of ‘what can be’ as hope in my mind, but instead consider the physical practicality of such decisions and how it can in fact work in a long term basis as a living-decision in my life, wherein I ensure that everything and everyone involved, are equally supported within such decision.

 

 

I commit myself to walk the realization of how any belief that I had wherein I can always ‘end up winning’ in my world and that everything always ‘turns to my favor’  is a lie – Instead I can practically decide to align any point in my world to a best for all decision wherein I no longer stand as a a relationship to such point of choice/ option but instead, integrate it as part of the decisions that are based on practical terms, instead of playing a Hollywood movie in my mind, fueling mind desires that are not required at all when the point at hand implies Real living decisions.

 

 

Backchat: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat ‘but I want to have all options’ as an indication that any point that is sought to be possessed/ owned is in fact that which I have separated myself from, creating an energetic relationship in my mind of want, need and desire  – thus

 

When and as I see myself thinking ‘But I want it all/ I want to have all options’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the BUT is already indicating a point of condition and restriction wherein I only Seek that which will give me an ensured point of ‘satisfaction’ in my mind, wherein the physical reality is not being considered. Thus it is to walk within the realization that the choices we make in our lives will determine the who we decide to be in our reality – and in that, only a principle of what’s best for al is what stands the test of time.

 

I commit myself to stop myself from holding two or more points in my mind as options that I Want and Desire to have/ own for my personal benefit, as it is within these points of desire as the mind that I create unnecessary conflict that I can see and realize are not necessary if I equalize such points to viable and practical solutions wherein I consider what it is that I am in fact willing to be and participate in throughout my life and in my world. 

Physical: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of physical strain in my body due to existing as a diatribe in my mind based on seeking to fulfill points that I have separated myself from as desires and finding no way to ‘materialize’ them, as I see and realize that I can instead walk within/ through self forgiveness each relationship formed  to ensure that I am in fact considering the physical reality that is Here as all and everything in which I can decide what I will be/ live and become within opting for one point or another as the decision we make in our lives that will define who we are and will be.

 

When and as I see myself creating a point of strain at a physical level upon existing in a certain conflict, I stop and I breathe – I realize that a point of conflict that exists within myself as my mind is not taking the points to a physical and practical reality, but only fueling a point of conflict through thinking, backchat and internal conversations. Thus

 

I commit myself to breathe whenever I see myself wanting to ‘shove away’ thoughts that I consider as ‘not relevant’ and instead walk them through writing, applying self forgiveness to see what it is that I am in fact existing as in every moment and within this, ensure that I do get to know myself as my mind, as this is not about anything or anyone else but myself in such moment as the relationship that I have with myself as my mind. Then, once the point is walked writing, the practical considerations must be given direction to.

Consequence I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not exist here as an absolute clarity of who and what I am and what I am willing to be and become based on the decisions I made – thus

 

When and as I see myself existing as an experience of inner conflict that manifests at a physical level, it is to investigate my own thoughts, my own immediate backchat, reactions and experiences so that instead of ‘shoving them aside,’ I can support myself to in  fact walk them within and through Self Forgiveness to then see and assess what are the points I am separating myself from as a desire, and instead, direct myself to consider the physical practicality of our living decision.

I realize that all decisions stand from and within the consideration of self-equality and oneness, wherein whatever I choose or not chose does not change ‘who I am,’ as such decision will be based within the consideration of who and what I am as one and equal to the points that I decide to align myself to.

 

I commit myself to live the realization that any decision I made stands as part of the self-agreement that I decide to give to myself as the realization that that which I will decide to live and stand by, will be the expression of myself as one and equal in its entirety – thus, it is to instead walk a practical physical living-projection to see what is viable, what is plausible and what  are the potential outcomes when opting for certain decisions in our lives.

I realize that the Who I Am within ‘Wanting to Have it All’ is in fact a mind that seeks to satisfy itself with positive experiences and call that ‘a life/ living’ and ‘fulfillment.’ We are already here, and any point we decide to live with and by, stands as a 1+1 addition, wherein one cannot be less or more than one plus one.

 

This is the point wherein Self-Honesty stands as the guiding point wherein all the perceived choices can be actually be taken and considered within the starting point of what is best for all and in that, there is no way I can fool myself, as it is plain to see that any point approached from the starting point of energy, will fall. Thus I direct myself to make decision, direct myself always within the consideration of the physical reality and what I am here to equalize myself to and as within the consideration of what is best for all.

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Any Choice that Cause Harm to another Life Form, is NOT FREE.

I commit myself to SHOW that FREE Choice is to Be FREE to NOT ABUSE Life.” – Bernard Poolman*

Desteni

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System 

 

 

Blogs:

*Day 137: FREE Choice and True Activism

The Mind System’s Conscious-Mind Structural Resonance – Part 1 (Self-Forgiveness): DAY 137

 

Absolutely Supportive Interviews to get to know ourselves as choices, decisions and preferences as the mind:

• Reptilians – Visualizing my Future as Existence – Part 86

• Reptilians – Existential Guidance – Part 87

75. Bursting Dreams to Live Reality

 

How many times have we made decisions in our lives based on what ‘others think’ of ourselves, what we are ‘good at’ and what we should do? In my experience, I took other’s opinions as validations to my own beliefs and ideals, eventually only making decisions once I had gathered enough ‘confirmations’/ validations to my own desires, wherein within the Art point itself, what others said about me and ‘my artwork’ mattered enough to make myself confident about making a decision in life to study art. This implies that I really only allowed myself to be driven by other’s opinions about myself and what I wanted to do, but never fully only considering myself and taking into consideration all consequential outflows from this decision in practical terms: how am I going to live, how can I practically direct myself within this career, what are the odds to ‘hit the jackpot’ in the artworld? To place it shortly: I had fallen in love with art and I made a decision based on this attraction to it, trying to equate myself to that expression through believing that I could ‘make it’ – and the point here is not to digress if I am capable or not, but the starting point of the decisions in my life based on having others’ ‘backup’ for me, just because of not being confident enough to make my own decisions and be self responsible about them.

 

Dreams of fame and fortune

So, here we go with a specific event wherein I was in an art gallery with 2 people – friend and ex-partner – and how the conversations that we would have while staring at other’s works would fuel my ego and my decisions to think that ‘this is it’ and in that, build the idea of myself as ‘an artist’ based on opinions, judgments and my own daydreaming which would happen as I was listening to them and staring at other artists’ works.

The following is an actual picture of that moment wherein I was daydreaming about the stuff that I’ll disclose here:

 

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

Pattern: Making decisions based on what others think – Not being confident enough to support me in common sense to make my own decisions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always had waited for other’s opinions and judgments upon myself and ‘what I should do with my life’ in order to make sure that I was making the ‘right choices,’ without realizing that everything that others could point out would be based already on the idea, belief and self-creation process of ‘who I want to be’ – which implies that all the confirmations I would get from others toward myself and my desire to study art, would stem from the same complacency that is played out in relationships, wherein we support each other’s decision without really supporting another to take into consideration that which is practical and best for all –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever project blame onto others for having supported ‘my mind fuck’ when in fact, it was only me-myself that created such mindfuck in the first place, which implies that my desire to get confirmation/ validation upon my choice in life was only stemming from a desire to make myself ‘sure’ as ‘who I am’ as the ego that I was busy building as ‘an artist,’ which means that even if someone could digress from my decision, I would still have taken the road to study art, because I was only looking for the ego-validation as the decision I had already made, but only sought to be ‘sure of’ to give myself more confidence to actually make the decision to change my career and study visual arts.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to step into a gallery with a predisposition to compare ‘what I do’ and ‘what I would imagine myself doing’ from the get go, wherein every time that I go to an art gallery, I access the immediate profile of ‘me being an artist’ and comparing myself to what I’m looking at – (read further in the entry Looking at Art–what is going on up there?)

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to future project myself with having ‘my artwork’ on such gallery walls and delving into the imagination of what my friend suggested as in ‘imagining my works hanging on those walls someday’ – wherein I allowed myself to simply dream about it and never really consider the actual steps and work required to get there, as well as the starting point of such daydreaming desire being a yearning to be famous, to be recognized and to be ‘praised’ just like any other artist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to what others had to say in that moment wherein they assured ‘you’ll be a great artist someday’ – which links to what my parents would say, becoming proud of me having to be this ‘great professional’ in whatever career I would choose, just because of the reputation I had built around myself as a ‘good student’ and being ‘good at everything I would do’ – which became like foam to elevate myself and my ego, without really taking into consideration the physical, practical reality of my decisions to get myself to such position.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get confidence within my ‘living choices’ to be and become an artist based on the props for my ego I would get from others in that moment wherein I would then delve into imagining my ‘solo show,’ believing that I could someday just get there by the magical wand of my own talents, which is basically daydreaming and using a desire as a way to make decision in life based on ‘what I wanted to be’ as a preference and infatuation, but never really considering the practicality of my decision in a world wherein Money must be made on a constant basis to live and survive.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fully delve into the desire and experience of imagining myself being an ‘important artist’ and famous, well known wherein this desire for fame and fortune stood as ‘my dream to come true’ that I thought I could attain by deciding to study arts and simply ‘get it’ because ‘I was so good at it,’ which proves how we can take other’s opinions and judgments as a way to validate our own self-belief in means of ‘fulfillment’ based on separation from self.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to already feel ‘special’ and ‘important’ whenever others would compare the works in that gallery to what I do and judging it as ‘less than’ what I do, which is how through comparing works by subjective opinions/ judgments, I came to build up my self-belief as being in fact ‘better’ than others and having ‘all that is required’ to be a great artist based on opinions/ judgments and my own desire to be special, which I used to validate my desire to be and become an artist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into my ego-mode and actually voice out that ‘yes, the artworld needs some ‘Marlen’ in it’ as a way to validate that I was in fact ‘better’ than others as a way to make myself feel like I was already a ‘true artist’ because others could recognize it as well –

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to, from these moments, feel More secure to make the decision to go to art school, because of what my friends would say about ‘my art,’ and deeming them as great judgments because they are ‘cultured people’ and ‘well read’ which meant that their opinions/ judgments were ‘valid’ in my mind-scheme of values, wherein if someone else had said, it would not have mattered that much – but because they ‘knew of art’ and would be validating my stuff = I felt like such validations were Real and ‘truth’ and ‘meaningful’ for me to take them into consideration and think that I should then be ‘really’ good at it

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at works of art with a critical eye, wherein I am not here as myself breathing and embracing other’s expression as self, but immediately compare myself and what I do to ‘what others do,’ accessing the value-mode of seeing myself as better/ worse than other’s works, which is unacceptable because when existing in superiority, I would feel ‘good’ about my work- and when seeing myself as less/ worse than the artwork on the wall, I’d go into depression and self-deprecation.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take pride on what I do as ‘my art’ and whenever I compare it as being ‘better than’ others’ works of art in specific galleries, building up this sense of trust and confidence which is not Self-Confidence and Self-Trust, but only validation of the ego through comparison, which is then nothing else but another value-game that I accepted and allowed myself to play as ‘the rules’ within the artworld.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into daydreaming, fantasizing about myself being the one having that show in that art gallery, being proudly recognized and praised in my home town, going far away into me traveling around the world with my works – wherein I used this daydreaming to fuel the ‘artist’ personality, beginning to believe myself to be better than others and be special, which is how I initiated my career and taking pride based on others’ judgments toward my work.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I only had to get myself a license to ‘be an artist’ to be validated in the artworld, which is how I saw everything as ‘very simple’ to do without really taking into consideration all aspects and dimensions of my decision, but simply making a decision based on my daydreaming, others’ opinions upon what I do and using that as a validation to be and become ‘an artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be driven by my desires to be famous wherein ‘going to New York’ to one day exhibit my work became like this Mecca for me, wherein I associated being able to one day present my work there as the ultimate lifetime achievement, believing that I could only be ‘fulfilled’ and consider myself as ‘successful’ if I could get to that place one day as a ‘consummated artist,’ not realizing that I was in fact just following my dreams and not really giving a fuck about the world, the actual system that we live in but falling into the trap of seeking my own desires and dreams while having only the ‘intention’ to do some ‘good for the world’ only once that I could get to such position, which is absolutely what any other charity works like: only giving a little of the ‘greatness’ achieved as money as fame/ fortune for the ‘have nots’ and feel better about myself within such future projection as in: following my dreams BUT also supporting the ‘poor ones.’ Which is absolutely, unacceptable – and

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to access shame of myself as how I existed back then, because of the world system, this entire reality never having been a part of my plans and decisions in life, but only following what everyone else was busy doing: seeking to be successful in any ‘field’ of reality that they wanted to develop themselves in, just for the sake of personal interest/ personal development wherein an actual point of Self-Responsibility toward the world was Never considered as part of the plans, which is how I allow myself to let go of the regret that I’ve been holding on to with regards to this choice I made in my life based on my own desires, wants, needs and delusional dreams of grandeur that I actually followed until everything was clear enough for me: I had brainwashed myself and others to support my decision based on self-interest and the ego-praise that everyone in society supports – whereas when one stops following such ‘dream,’ one is seen as ‘not successful’ simply because the specialness and perpetuation of the ego is not ‘here’ any longer, which is placing a stop to the system of career-choices to enhance egos/ keeping the system in place, as I realize that standing for life in equality is not better or worse than, it’s just a life-decision to take self-responsibility.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to daydream about ‘elite people’ bowing down to my work which only gave me a sensation of power over those that I would perceive as ‘more powerful’ than me, due to all the money they have, which I took as a challenge to walk through, because of all the previous judgments I had held toward ‘the elite’ people and the artworld itself, wanting to prove to others that I could be ‘praised by those with money’ and in that, building a fortress around myself as my own ego.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make a decision about me being ‘sure enough’ to be an artist after all the daydreaming/ future projection with backchat in my mind, seeing myself as ‘totally making it’ according to what others would say about me/ my work as well, which made me confident enough to propose this to my parents and let them know that ‘art was my REAL profession, and that I had to be/ become an artist no matter what.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had a ‘true passion to create,’ without realizing that I was simply using the same lingo charged with feelings of grandeur toward art/ art creation and that I used this as a tool to convince myself, others and my parents specifically to support my decision to study art, letting them know that ‘I cannot envision myself doing anything else in this world other than art,’ which is a great fallacy and self manipulation to only follow my dreams of superiority, fame, fortune, money, recognition and grandeur that I sought.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to convince myself to make life-decisions based on the desires stemming from myself as my ego, stemming from myself as the acceptance of a desire as a separation of who I am as one and equal wherein art became this ‘idolized’ field of reality that I wanted to be a part of, just because of how I programmed myself to see it as an elevated and ‘evolved’ human activity, how I deemed it as something special, a ‘divine gift’ to see the world in a ‘different way,’ and within this justifying that I had to drop out of literature and change my plans in life, following the ‘big jackpot’ in the artworld.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself in the moment of doubting my decision by using a point of comparison to what I was studying then and saying ‘I cannot see myself remaining studying literature’ – which became a way to simply manipulate myself further into believing I was making the ‘best decision ever’ now that I had gathered others’ perspectives upon who I am and my own life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within the belief of ‘my thing is to create’ as an actual self-manipulation that I’d play out in order to talk-myself-into believing that I could only become an artist, I could ‘only’ be satisfied following these dreams, which became also a fear within me when going into the opposite point of ‘not making it’ and fearing the failure of myself within it – yet deliberately shoving such fear away because of the extent of the ‘positive validations’ I got from others and myself included to believe that: there was No way I could fail in this…

I realize how limited it is for us to only have to decide ‘who/ what we are’ as only  a profession, instead of living the expansion of who and what we are as one and equals and in that, realizing that no matter what we do, as long as we are taking the whole into consideration: we will stand by the decision we take as life supports life and there is no ‘wrong decision’ within doing what’s best for all.

 

Ideal Future 2003  (she still looked clueless and worried lol)

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself making decisions based on other’s opinions about ‘what I am good at’ wherein only a self-belief as personality is considered, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I must direct myself in a way wherein Who I Am is no longer bound to a preference, a desire, an ideal of myself in my life but instead decide to direct my life in a way that I can ensure that the choice that I make will be in support of myself and all equally, taking a position in my world wherein I can actually dedicate my life to Life itself, supporting myself and others, which implies that I must establish my own equality and oneness so that there are no more desires existent within me to ‘fulfill’ in separation of what’s best for all, but I ensure that I walk the decision to dedicate myself to life, and within this, whatever decision I take on in any particular field, the starting point of it will be very clear: life in equality as myself in all ways.

 

When and as I see myself doubting my own choice, I realize that in such allowance of becoming the doubt, I am diminishing myself to uncertainty that is existent only when a conflict of interests exists within me – which implies that I must clarify for myself first where such doubt stems from – what am I trying to protect? What and who am I manipulating to impose ‘my way’ as ‘my choice,’ instead of considering at all times what is best for all life – within this, I realize that any friction and conflict emerging from a decision based on common sense, must be specifically scrutinized to see where I am creating such conflict from self-interest, desires, wants and needs that I realize are always in the way of the consideration of what’s best for all life.

 

When and as I see myself resorting to the memory of myself as ‘an artist’ to create an idea of not being ‘satisfied’ with my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such idea of self was created from the starting point of everything that I allowed myself to be only as my mind, which implies that ‘who I am’ here as a common sensical being will no longer be bound to a preference, an ideal or desire of ‘who I want to be,’ but instead realize that I am already here, walking the living decision to support myself as life, and within that, seeing that no ‘dream’ can ever be an actual self-directed decision as dreams are always only based on what the mind places in our ‘heads’ to continue existing in the limitation of personality, ego/ preference – thus, I ‘remind’ myself that This process implies letting go of my personal interests in the name of ALL as Equals wherein there is no need to only be ‘one single thing’ and diminishing myself to one single point, but instead, learn to expand myself in a way that I can verify I am in fact supporting myself and others, which will imply at all times the consideration of life in Equality and never more just a ‘career’ or ‘profession’ based on likes and dislikes and personal dreams.

 

When and as I see myself going into the hypothetical daydreaming activity of ‘who I could have been if I have ‘given it all’ to my career’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I have bound myself to such dreams and idealizations of my life based on the accumulation of desires linked to people’s opinions about myself, my work/ my life, and that in no way I ever considered life in equality in such equation of ‘career choice’ – thus I see that everything that I have to ‘let go of’ was never in fact ‘real’ as myself, as it was only based on preferences and future projections that I in no way walked in an equal-and-one consideration of myself as life and all. Thus, I let go of the dream for the illusion that it always was.

 

When and as I see myself daydreaming about ‘all that could have been’ in relation to myself and the art career, I realize that such dreams were stemming from my desires to be famous, recognized and ‘praised’ as an ego that was formed when listening to others and my own backchat about myself being ‘special’ and ‘unique,’ which is the most basic form of ego-driven decisions that exist, therefore I realize that in order to walk my decision to life/ to live, I can no longer hold any dream as valuable within my decision. Once that I have made the decision to live, I ensure that any temptation as a daydreaming moment is an indication that I am not wanting to face a particular living-decision that requires my attention and focus to not deviate from the position of Self-Responsibility that I have decided to walk, thus I breathe and bring here the point that is leading me to ‘desire escaping = desire my daydreams’ due to how I had connected my career to a way to be evasive toward and of the world itself.

 

When and as I see myself basing people’s opinions and judgments upon myself/ the world based on the idea/ belief and perception that I have of them as ‘well-cultured’ / knowledgeable/ intelligent beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me just perpetuating the same system of values that are in fact abusive toward the world system, maintaining specialness and hierarchies over the realization of life in equality. I stop wanting to remain within a special ‘group of people’ that can be considered as ‘well cultured/ knowledgeable/ intellectual’ as the people I used to hang out with and have relationships toward, as I see that none that has ever contributed to a world in Equality, nor is there any Real care and consideration to doing something that will create a real change in life, and our world. Thus I let go of the dream for the fallacy that it always was and the judgments/ opinions from others that it was backed up with.

 

When and as I see myself fearing not fulfilling the ideas/ beliefs and perceptions others had about me and my life/ future within the belief that I would get to be someone ‘great’ and ‘extraordinary,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that all those expectations were only a heavy load for me to remain as the ‘ever perfection’ idea of myself that was backed up by people around me, wherein I then created this great expectation upon myself, falling into a disillusionment and even self-belittlement the moment that such high-expectations were not able to be fulfilled. Which is how and why I can now see that none of that was ever of any value as Life and what’s best for all was in no way considered in such plans as ‘my life’ and ‘who I want to be,’ – thus I let go of the dreams for the fallacies that they are and entail.

 

When and as I see myself going back to the pattern of ‘wanting to create only’ I realize that this is mostly an evasive pattern that I used to seclude myself, forget about the world and everyone and essentially fuel my self-obsessions and desires without any common sense direction to my life and ‘who I am’

 

Thus, the realization that I get from this is that I chose a career in order to fly away from the world, not having to face myself and the ‘monetary system’ because of seeing it as ‘the bad guy’ and ‘the monster’ that wanted to only suck us dry – deciding to instead make art as a ‘noble way’ to earn money, without ever even pondering that I could support myself to be the change that I wanted to see in the world instead of finding ways to evade it and run away from it. I make sure that the decisions that I take on as my life from here on are based on what is best for all, wherein all forms of desires are seen as the limited version of myself that I thought myself to be, that I created of myself as to limit my real capacity and ability to do that which I thought was impossible: create a change in this world, and this won’t come only from me following a dream, but taking a position within the system wherein I can ensure that I am no longer controlled by desires and fears to be and become that which I will require to do and become in order to establish a world and reality wherein All can placidly decide what to do with their lives without having a need to ‘have more’ than others or ‘survive’ only, but really be supported from birth to death and in that, having a Real Choice to establish a common sensical living decision for oneself and all as equals.

 

Desteni

Desteni Forum for Self Support

Equal Money System so that All can express and live the ‘dreams’ that we are currently only able to hold as an illusion due to MONEY being the main obstacle to be able to express/ live as equals to Life.

Blogs:

• Day 75: Jesus had a Neat Trick with the Rich

• Sex as Positive-Energy Addiction: DAY 74
• The Mind’s Multiplication Effect: DAY 75

• Day 41: Design of Beliefs Self Commitment Statements

This is a continuation to the blogs:

• Day 38: Design of Beliefs
• Day 39: Design of Beliefs Self Forgiveness
• Day 40: Design of Beliefs Self Forgiveness continued..

 

Give yourself a gift today:

• Reptilians – When Energy stops and Substance/Physicality Remains – Part 60

• Reptilians – From Energy Experience to Energy to Substance/Physicality – Part 61

72. My Career Choice

I have been walking the last posts to see how Money influences our lives and decisions in life, wherein we can see and realize that whatever we thought we were doing as an actual decision by ourselves, was in fact a product of our social-conditioning accepted as ‘choices’ in life linked to ‘succeeding’ in the system in one way or another.

 

I’ll be walking my own career choice from the moment of how I believed myself to be ‘talented’ in doing artwork and how I built this belief within myself in order to make it ‘my profession/ career’ in an almost infatuated manner, without considering the actual practicality of it in terms of giving myself practical living directions to actually be able to live of it/ earn money of it within my life.

 

My choice of career was based on creating an ‘acceptable way’ of not wanting to participate in what I deemed as the entire ‘corrupt greedy system’ that we are living in. I dropped out of linguistics because I realized that career was going to simply make me a library person, an intellectual reading others words and dissecting them as valuable/ not valuable, and I wanted to be a ‘creator,’ a ‘creative’ person. But in the back of my head, all that I wanted was to create a lifestyle that was – apparently- ‘out of the ordinary’ which is how I deliberately created my personality as a profile of an ‘eccentric being,’ so that others could agree with me that: I had to be an artist.

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I don’t know what I’m doing here’ while being in classic literature class in linguistics and literature school, without realizing that I chose to study that career and was fully ‘into it’ before I had instigated within me the idea of ‘wanting to study art’ instead

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel victimized while having to ‘endure’ the class that I am not genuinely interested in, while daydreaming about being ‘creating’ and going to ‘art school’ which was a ‘dream shut down’ for me at the moment, because of me not having been directive enough when choosing my career

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘there is no way I am going to spend 5 years listening to useless stuff’– without realizing that I am in that only considering that which ‘suits my preferences’ and ‘validates my personal taste’ to do and be whatever I want to be, without realizing that I belonged to a certain institution where curriculum is not able to be ‘picked.’ I realize that I judged the moment because of existing within an obsession to get to study art school and drop literature –thus I manipulated myself, the moment and all my actions to ‘make it visible’ that I didn’t really want to be there any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and not regurgitate other’s words’ which is a statement of self-manipulation to reinforce my already lingering desire to stop the career and move to another one.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged and ‘discredited’ because of deciding to ‘drop out of school’ and fearing that this would be seen as a failure in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to care about what others would have to say if I dropped out of literature school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to even fear admitting this to myself because of how I didn’t want to continue ‘lying’ to myself about me being comfortable within the school, without realizing that it was actually me not being ‘comfortable’ within myself, and my life and that going to art school only represented another ‘way out of the system’ within my mind.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge that which I had initially ‘adored’ as literature/ books/ reading in order to justify and validate my excuses to drop out of that school, validating preference as an actual ‘reason’ to drop out which is how I placed preference over common sense to validate my personality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge literature as ‘useless stuff’ without realizing that this judgment was coming from me wanting to convince myself to be doing the ‘right choice’ for dropping out of the literature career.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my ‘ideal career’ to the career I was studying (literature,) just so that I could continue validating my own desires to migrate to another point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and not regurgitate what others have created’ which is a statement made out of spitefulness toward that which I simply stopped liking, which is a usual mechanism to validate our point of view over our self-created reality and consequences, to make myself seem like a ‘winner’ and not a ‘loser that drops out’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare literature and art and placing the latter above the first one just because of wanting to validate my decision to ‘go to art school’ above literature, and justify the reason why I was dropping out of it, to not be seen like a ‘drop out’ but rather a ‘wise person that aligns her decisions and preferences in life.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to always want to suit my decisions to seem like a ‘wise choice’ that makes me a ‘winner,’ instead of admitting that I have made a mistake and can allow myself to give me a second opportunity to re-align my decisions on life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge and criticize people that study literature as ‘library rats’ in a spiteful mode just to add on to the ongoing validations of why I don’t want to continue studying literature.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to project myself into a self-created ‘gloomy future’ being locked in a library for the rest of my life if continuing studying literature, which is just how I used my imagination to perpetuate the belief that I had to get out of that career to not become like my worst nightmare, which is just another belief and justification that validates my desire to simply stop studying literature, using denigration toward others in order to see myself as ‘making the right choice,’ which is judgmental and unacceptable, as it is me trying to see myself as a winner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to get validation for my ‘skills to create’ in order to validate my decision to change my career and within that, being able to justify why I ‘don’t like literature school’ any longer.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that it was because of my parents that I wasn’t able to study arts, while in fact it was me that wasn’t directive enough with regards to taking and making a decision based on my life and my future.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relation to what my parents though with regards to me not going out of the city to study arts, when in fact I realize that I used this also as an excuse for me not having been directive and responsible enough to consider what it is that I actually wanted to study in that moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having taken my ‘second option’ within resignation and within a ‘second plate’ type of experience around it, without realizing that I was only judging it that way because of me not having taken the necessary steps to actually walk the initial desire and decision to study art from the beginning of having to choose my career.

 

 

I forgive myself to deliberate scheme and manipulate my expression in order to continue drawing so that ‘others’ could see my ‘real passion’ for art and drawing – instead of realizing that I was the only one manipulating myself to suit my own desires to migrate to another career and ‘life.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others judgments upon my work as ‘flattering’ and ‘props for my ego’ wherein I am in fact creating this idea of myself as ‘definitely being an artist’ and using that to deliberately validate and justify my change in careers.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘which is a self-belief coming from the starting point of validating my desire to study arts and ‘change’/ veer my direction in order to suit my entire desire to ‘be an artist and be out of this world’ – therefore it is and was not an actual recognition of a ‘passion to create’ but used as an excuse to validate my self-definition and desire to not be part of what I had deemed as a ‘greedy corrupt system’ of money/ capitalism, that I thought I could get away from by studying arts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having feared to convince my parents about my career decision, out of them disapproving and losing their financial support.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having feared proposing a change of career toward my parents because of not wanting to create a reaction within them as me ‘dropping out’ thus, losing my ‘reputation’ toward them as the ever excellent student that ‘doesn’t drop out.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘fear disappointing my parents’ when letting them know that I wanted to change my career, which is me judging myself only for not having taken the necessary steps and direction from the get-go initially. I realize that this is me existing in self-blame and projecting it on my parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear letting my parents know that ‘I don’t like my career’ because of fearing being seen as a ‘lost person’ that ‘doesn’t know what she wants in life – and lose credibility and my self-definition as a person that ‘knows what she wants to do with her life. ‘

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my parents mocking me for changing directions in my life and dissing my new direction as ‘another phase in my life’ based on how I had lived my life going from various phases, preferences and lifestyles, without realizing that I am only limiting myself within this fear to actually support myself to explore what is it that I am actually capable of being and becoming in a supportive way for myself and others within the consideration of what’s best for all, and not only ‘what I like’ or believed I liked doing.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others’ judgments upon my life as ‘true’ and allowing them to affect my ability to make decisions and take directions that I know are required once that I have proven to myself that the previous decisions are simply not what I meant to do/ be and become.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my parents/ family’s judgments as a decisive factor to move myself and direct myself within my life, without realizing that I am the only one that will live within such decisions for the rest of my life.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself asking ‘what the hell am I doing here?’ and feeling victimized about the situation, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only one that is able to direct myself in my reality and that any beliefs of victimization are only ways to manipulate myself to not face the fact that: I placed myself in this position – no one forced me to do so. I realize that whatever I experience is a direct consequence of what I have created and directed within my life by my own will, thus I stop victimizing myself by statements that reinforce any form of manipulating myself and others to ‘get out the backdoor’

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have to ‘endure’ a class, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘self-torture’ is only generated by my own judgments and opinions about the class in itself.

 

When and as I see myself thinking and believing that I am in no way going to spend 5 years listening to useless stuff – I stop and I breathe. I realize that the judgment is stemming from my desire to change my career and that everything I said was already from wanting to diss and discredit the career I was in, just to suit and reinforce the self-belief of ‘having to go to art school instead’ – I realize that I have used this self-manipulation to suit my own needs and justify them to make it all ‘acceptable’ at the eyes of others, just because of having feared being judged by ‘dropping out’ of it.

 

I realize that I feared being seen as a ‘failure’ by others and that within this fear of judgment, I manipulated myself to portray myself in a way that others could validate that ‘my decision was correct’ – without realizing that the only one that I was manipulating and fearing is myself: fearing failing and fearing being judged by others.

 

I realize that I have used to denigrate that which I no longer want to be bound to, and eventually create an opposition toward it, even though I ‘adored it’ at first- such as literature and linguistics. Thus I stop and I breathe whenever I see myself denigrating and making something ‘less than’ just so that within my own mind, I can see myself as ‘being a winner’ for opting out and going to an apparent ‘better position’ as in studying another career. Little did I realize that it was never about ‘the career’ but about myself only.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to validate my choice and placing myself as a ‘winner’ by validating my ‘choice’ through dissing/ making the other point less than, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an ego treat to make believe that I made the right choice and that my decision is validated by my own evidence and assessment of the event/ situation

 

When and as I See myself believing that all decisions I make are ‘for the better’ I stop and I realize. I see that within this starting point of ‘bettering myself/ desiring to be in a ‘better position’ I am in fact justifying my own manipulation to remain as a ‘winner’ within my mind. I realize that everything that I decide to do within my life must be assessed and directed within the starting point of what is best for all, and that I am absolutely responsible for making it work or not. I assume all responsibility that comes from making decisions in life –

 

I realize that I have tricked and fooled myself to justify and validate my choices in life based on preference, instead of an actual assessment of what is best for all. I stop manipulating myself to believe that everything I decide to do with my life is ‘alright’ and ‘will always go well’ – as this belief system is what lead me to walk through art school.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to manipulate the way that others will see my decisions in my desire to be seen as a ‘wise person’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that the manipulation that I have created toward myself and others can only in the end affect myself only, wherein I realize that I must take into consideration the consequences of my decisions within practical terms and not only manipulate myself to be a ‘winner’ at the eyes of others and myself.

 

When and as I see myself creating future projections as unpleasant moments/ experiences, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only going into my mind to manipulate my beliefs in a way that it suits the outcome that I am looking for, which is discrediting my own career choice by now dissing it because of having ‘something better to aspire to’

 

I realize that this is a pattern I have lived out within this point of careers and relationships, just so that whenever I see a relationship/ career point ending, I am able to remain as a ‘winner’ in my mind, instead of being self honest about the decision being simply a way that it wasn’t suitable for myself according to the interests I pursued back then. There is no need to judge and justify my decisions based on ‘bashing’ and belittling the original choice to make myself feel ‘better’ about my decision.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do something ‘evident’ at the eyes of others to validate and support the belief of ‘who I am’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is an attention seeking pattern wherein I am deliberately wanting to be validated and identified as ‘an artist’ or an ‘expressive person’ which I use as props for my ego to remain within the ‘creative suit’ and within this particular situation, having used it as a way to validate my own shift in career and validate it/ excuse it with a decision based on having ‘real passion’ to create, which I have demonstrated to myself was never actually real.

 

When and as I see myself blaming my parents for apparently not having been able to allow me to study arts, initially – I stop and I breathe. I realize that it was me all the way the one that wasn’t directive enough to make a decision and walk the actual process to achieve it, but instead allowed me to conform because of not wanting to stir up conflict. I realize that within my life and my decisions, I must be absolutely self-directive and considering the actual steps to direct myself to accomplish a point.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself with regards to ‘my parents not allowing me to study arts out of the city’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I wasn’t directive and responsible enough to consider that it was only me the one that had to place the actual ‘doing’ and ‘planning’ which I absolutely neglected at the time, and went for the most ‘comfortable option’ which meant not challenging also my own schemes of ‘going out and living alone’ which I eventually directed.

However, I realize that I require to be specific whenever I am walking a point in my life wherein decisions have to be made and actual direction must be given within the consideration of what is best for myself to be, live and direct myself toward in order to support myself and within the principle of what’s best for all.

When and as I see myself opting for the most ‘comfortable’ and ‘less troubling’ solution within my mind when having the opportunity to choose – I stop and I breathe. I reconsider to see and realize that I have to take into consideration the actual outcome of such decision and all the dimensions existent within that decision, to make sure that I do not create unnecessary timeloops within my life and my experience. This means that I direct myself to be bold enough to take the necessary risks to direct myself to an outcome that is certainly best in the moment, and stop my own limitations that only exist as fears within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself believing that ‘my real passion is to create’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that what I have deemed as such was only a validation for my decision to change career and backup an entire personality suit as ‘the artist/ the creator’ – I realize that I haven’t allowed myself to establish self-creation as one and equal wherein it’s not a point of self-definition, but an actual integration of my ability and capability of supporting myself to correct and direct myself according to that which I see is self-supportive in all ways within my life, and not limited to ‘creating art.’

 

When and as I see myself fearing others judgments upon my change in career/ different lifestyle that I decide to take on as my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am the only one that will live with the decisions I make within my life and that I am now being directive to consider what’s best for all in such decisions, and not just a self-belief pattern that backups a personality. I realize that all decisions and changes that I take within my life, I am absolutely responsible for – therefore I stop allowing judgments to influence my decision in any way whatsoever within my life.

 

When and as I see myself placing the excuse to validate another option that I may have and say ‘I cannot see myself within this for the rest of my life’ – I stop and I breathe. These justifications exist as a trick of my own mind to ‘talk myself into’ accepting another option as ‘better than’ based on self interest – I realize that in the direction I am taking with my life, I am considering what is best for all as a point walked day by day, wherein it is not a profession/ career/ occupation but rather a life-learning process that cannot be defined within the current schemes of ‘career choices’ in our world, as it is me learning how to live and do/ live/ create/ direct myself in the consideration of what’s best for all life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself limiting myself to receive validation from others in order to make decision and direct myself within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I cannot depend on other’s validation to move myself, as I realize I am capable and able to direct myself efficiently within my reality wherein I am self-responsible for the consequences and outflows of the decision I take. I realize that only moving/ directing myself after getting ‘enough validation’ is self-manipulation and not allowing me to realize that Self-Direction is existing in one single breath here that I make a decision and walk it – live it.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing frustration because of not being in a place that supports my creativity and expression – I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is a belief-system of myself that I have used to manipulate myself into an outcome that I have perceived as ‘less restrictive’ without realizing that in doing that, I have limited myself and my ability to expand into fields/ areas wherein I have not even considered that I could also enjoy and learn/ expand from. I stop limiting myself according to preferences that only lead me to live an apparently more ‘lax’ way of ‘lifestyle.’ I realize that self-direction even in points wherein I seemingly ‘don’t like/ don’t enjoy’ are only limitations based on preferences within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself victimizing myself, whining and complaining about ‘not fitting in’ and using others’ validation to my belief of having to be doing ‘something else’ within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can only complain about my own fuck up of not having directed myself to plan an actual direction within my life wherein I could be doing that which I intended to do from the get go, but allowed myself to limit myself because of fears. Thus, ‘not fitting in, not belonging here’ are but excuses to remain limited and stubbornly want to validate my own self-definition, which is also not supporting myself to allow myself to expand and explore my capabilities within other fields that I had not considered within my own mind before.

 

When and as I see myself ‘fearing disappointing my parents/ others’ in my world based on the decisions I take within my life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this judgment only comes when I haven’t walked the point within absolute self-direction and self-trust to know that my decision will actually be best for all in all ways, and that whatever I decide to do with my life, is my absolute point of Self-Responsibility and nothing or no one can influence that point for myself.

 

When and as I see myself fearing being seen as a person that ‘is lost’ and ‘doesn’t know what to do with her life’ – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am only creating this fear based on my own ‘lack’ of self-trust in that moment to direct myself to actually support myself within taking decisions and directing myself in my life, within absolute self-responsibility for what I do and what I don’t do.

 

I realize that I have feared being seen as ‘lost’ or ‘a waste’ because of having dropped out of my career and not following through with my actual career. I allow myself to change directions if the previously chosen direction is not best for all. I allow myself to see mistakes as a way to see where and how I am not effectively directing myself and within that, allow myself to be actually supportive within considering the outflows and consequences of my decisions in life.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to get validation from others to make decisions in life, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am able to direct myself and change the direction within the realization that I am the only one that will walk the consequences and outflows of such decisions I take and live throughout my life

 

I realize that I cannot allow anyone else’s judgments and opinions to affect who I am and how I direct myself within my life, If I am certain that I am in fact directing myself within self-honesty and self-trust.

 

I also allow myself to obviously get some feedback and reference from people that are able and capable to consider self-honestly what’s best for me to consider as a point of self-direction within the current point I am walking in process and the position that I must take on in order to support the outcome that is best for all life in equality.

 

For further support, visit the Desteni Forum 

Desteni I Process 

Nada (2005)

Blogs for self support:

• Day 71: MIND over Matter

• Love as The Secret to Attraction: DAY 71

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  Day 38: Design of Beliefs