Tag Archives: living decisions

584. Walking Through the Veils of Shame

Or walking through the character weakness I created through cheating in relationships and turning it into a current self-committed strength.

In this same process of doing a bit of a ‘looking back’ in my life and the things that I’ve been most ashamed of and regret and have in essence kept as stuff that had ‘haunt’ me as my past was cheating in relationships. As I write this I look away from the screen for a moment because a part of me would not want to expose this side of myself, would prefer to keep things ‘to myself’ but I also see the benefit of not only sharing about this to ‘expose’ myself in the past, but more so to share what I considered as a very personal process that ‘I should keep to myself’, but this was mostly because of existing in shame towards it and judging that ‘tendency’ of myself as something really bad, unforgivable, that caused pain and sorrow in others.

This has been something that I have immediately linked to reviewing shame as it’s been opened up in the awesome audio support here:  Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife  and Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 2) – Demons in the Afterlife  and through having such support as well as looking at and opening up the word ‘reconciliation’ within me, I saw that I had not made peace with this aspect of myself, mostly also because of keeping it as something that I should never speak of or admit about myself.

I have worked with this for myself, and even if I knew what I was doing at the time, I simply didn’t want to change my ways and would like to ‘keep my possibilities open’ which I only managed to change in the past relationship I had and I’m quite glad about that with myself in how through walking this process and from the very beginning of the relationship, I made a decision to no longer allow myself to ‘waver’ in my decision to be with that person even if we weren’t physically together right away, I made that decision to for once live that commitment to myself, to show to me that I could in fact stop having ‘affairs’ in thought, word or deed when it comes to personal relationships, and I am grateful to myself that I did this even if yes, there were surely moments that I could have defined as ‘openings’ or ‘temptations’ if you will, which surely are never ‘gone’ as such because I realize I have the ability to decide what I define as a ‘temptation’ to begin with which in a way it’s a whole word in itself to open up, which already implies a form of weakness from my perspective, where I believe that ‘I cannot help myself/cannot control/cannot direct’ myself in something and thus ‘fall’ into it, which surely I did experience in relation to cheating as such, which is why I had to yes, of course, let go of that ability within me to make it quite simple to act out on what I saw as an opportunity or potential.

To me the source of shame was more in relation to knowing what I caused in others, the consequences when this happened to be known. Shame and regret emerged within the realization that I was the cause of a lot of turmoil, depression, sadness in in someone’s life, and also how ‘shameless’ I was at the same time in doing it,  with without their awareness in my past relationships, which I have by now become aware all were motivated as with many other things in our lives, by the idea of something better, new, more exciting, or simply doing it because ‘the opportunity was here’ and taking it as an ‘innocent’ moment which was of course not living the word innocence in a supportive manner, but more through an experience to veil my responsibility at the time and the actual fear of the potential consequences, like it is explained in this other awesome supportive audio Using Innocence to Defend Fear – Quantum Physical, which I recommend to understand how this ‘misuse’ of the word innocence takes place within ourselves, that was quite helpful for me to also open up this point recently.

I could also say, yes it still was someone else’s decision to dive into such depressive experience upon becoming aware of what I had done, but my part in the whole point is having been dishonest and creating a consequence that in normal terms of course it is not something that is received in stability by most people. So, I have beaten myself up – figuratively speaking – quite a few times for this kind of situations that yes I caused and contributed to creating, while at the same time over time and over some more years after that, I still would do it and not really make a decision to change, until I did after deciding to actually change this ‘tendency’ and pattern within me that I had veiled myself off by seeing it as something that is ‘just here’ and ‘just happened’ while being fully aware that of course it always takes one’s decision to do or not do something.

 

 

I’ve also learned through communicating about this point to in a way see that we all cheat ourselves in different ways and levels. Some of us have acted on it, some others tend to only fantasize about doing it, but don’t get to actually live it. That’s how I’ve also seen that cheating as such is always a point of self-deception, where yes one is not living fidelity towards another being and instead is seeking for ‘something else’ with another person, not only at a physical level, but also at a mind level or in the form of ‘mental affairs’ too, because I saw how the sheer acceptance of ‘thinking about another’ in those partnership terms or fantasizing about having a relationship with them or having sex with another person while being in a committed relationship constitutes in essence already an act of ‘cheating’ to oneself, where one is only entertaining an idea of ‘someone else’ in our minds, while one is having an actual, physical, tangible relationship to develop, nurture and commit to, which is what I have decided to do and live from now on in my life.

I’ve been looking at what ‘led me’ to make it so easy for me to not measure consequences, to make it so easy to make a single decision in one moment and for a moment just throw out of the window any commitment to another person because ‘the opportunity presented itself’ and ‘I simply took it’ and how ‘feeble’ in a way I was when it comes to this, being very much moved by desire, lust, an idea of ‘something/someone better’ or simply because ‘it was here’ and so I moved to just do it.

Now, the details of how, when and where I did this all are not relevant to share here, but to me it’s sufficient to share how the kind of laxity towards it is what was a source of shame, which I then also walked through to create an understanding, to understand ‘who I was’ at the time so as to not just see through the eyes of morality but through seeing me and who I was at the time.

At the time I had not created any point of self-awareness or ‘barely’ creating it and developing it within myself, where I would talk to myself to create a point of ‘innocence’ about the moment, as a way to – as the previously mentioned Eqafe audio explains – it was a way for me to make things ‘alright’ within me and not truly have a blunt look at what I was accepting and allowing in having this ‘laxity’ about my commitment to my relationships and how I made it very normal to have ‘open potentials’ to other relationships while being in committed relationships or ‘somewhat’ committed relationships at the time, because they were what they were in the context that I was in at the time in my life as well, where I wasn’t really into developing a relationship of self support or self-respect yet.

One thing I noticed is that I of course suppressed a lot of these things because it was at a time in my life when I was using weed on a regular basis and it was my way to also ‘wipe out’ any immediate inner conflict and ‘shift’ within me to an ‘everything is alright’ state of mind, which I only can know of because I would write about what I was in fact experiencing, and that’s the only remembrance I have of it, because at a conscious level to me it seemed as if there was no conflict at all, but this is how I made myself ‘think’ that ‘I am perfectly fine with it, I know what I’m doing, there’s no problem at all in me, no one’s getting hurt’ as a way to create a false sense of innocence within it all to not have to have a clear view of what I was participating in.

Working on this point has become one of those examples that something that I saw as a weakness in me, I’ve worked on developing it and turning it into a strength within me for the past couple of years.

Though before going into the ‘developing it as a strength,’ I want to share about the process of walking through shame itself and in our group chat at Desteni we had a very cool discussion that led to open up this point about ‘shame’ which can be read here:  You cannot see that which you are – 12 July 2017 which opened the door along with looking at the word ‘reconciliation’ for me to do this for once and for all, to identify where and how I’ve experienced that kind of shame in my life and it has been definitely linked to cheating – and it was actually quite a gift in the way that it is explained in this audio support I mentioned at the beginning of this blog about shame, in the sense that I would probably not have gotten to see my reality this way if I had not become aware of how my actions affected another’s life, which at the time I  suppressed and just felt bad about it, guilty, remorseful. But I had not taken that step of acknowledging the profound shame I felt in relation to it and it’s probably one of those things that have ‘marked me’ in my life, yet it is and will continue to be there as a reminder of what I’ve done, what I caused when allowing myself to be moved by desire, attraction, the idea of ‘something better’ or something ‘more exciting’ or ‘new’ and all of these experiences I linked to the act of cheating, which were in fact me seeking an experience that eventually of course led to ending relationships due to not establishing that self-commitment, self-honor and self-respect for myself first of all.

In retrospect it is ‘easier’ for me to see how I could have decided to change myself in those moments when facing this ‘temptation’, yet at the time I had not made a clear decision to change, because I still wanted to have these ‘options’ available to me. I wasn’t living a commitment to myself nor towards another. So this is to me an example where many times we make things ‘difficult’ to do or believe that ‘it’s beyond me’ to change, but in self-honesty, the reality is that I was not wanting to change or give up something that I wanted to have, experience or indulge into in my life.

The perceived benefits of ‘going for it’ are only that, a perception, a momentary experience if anything because over time, I see how every time that I ‘gave into it’ became that kind of scars that won’t go away from your mind, and one can self-forgive it, surely, to recognize the point and ensure one doesn’t repeat it again, but as it has been recently explained: self forgiveness wont’ ‘erase’ the memories. Memories will remain as part of who we are, as reminder, as a gift, a ‘cautionary tale’ as I’d like to call them of what I could put myself and others through If I give into this kind of ‘desires’ or ‘fleeting sensations’ that seemed to just ‘open up’ as ‘opportunities’ in my life – which is how I used to define them, see them.

It also had to do with how I approached life back then, where I had placed my life, my destiny in the hands of something ‘else separate from me’ where I thought that people, things, situations would ‘happen for a reason’ and so I would create an innocence point within it as well, which is of course innocence lived as deception, deliberate self-deception just to not have to see the truth and reality of myself in it.  Innocence to me now as a living word has a very much different meaning that doesn’t relate at all to ‘pretending to be delusional’ and not realize what I am doing lol, I mean, I know I can only ever deceive myself in fact and that’s where this whole point of cheating is at, not only ‘towards others’ but towards myself, my self-commitment and self-agreement that I am busy living for myself and those whose lives I am directly related to now.

Have these apparent ‘temptations’ gone away? Nope. If I would decide to see a moment, a person, a situation as such and accept it and allow it to exist in me, it would not be so much of a ‘difficult thing’ to do because it’s just like anything else when one ‘goes for it’ without questioning ‘who am I’ within doing something. And yes it can be a bit scary to think of the potentials on this which applies for anything else that we see ourselves having a propensity or tendency to do – and have done in the past – but that’s how I decide to instead of giving any attention to these ‘potentials’ rather create a solid foundation for me to walk through it and as I mentioned earlier, turn it into a strength.

So this is another aspect of our minds, our lives and process where no amount of self-forgiveness will actually remove the potential ‘triggers’ or ‘stimuli’ that we can still decide to react to or ‘act upon’ in our minds – this is why walking through our minds is a moment by moment application, daily thing, every moment thing whenever it is required.

So, how am I living this relationship to this past tendency to ‘cheat’ in relationships? Well, I can wholly say to myself that it’s been quite cool to build that decision of living self-honor, self-respect, self-commitment and consideration – not only for me but to others – when it comes to remaining committed to someone and be able to practically test myself in various times and situations to see ‘who am I’ within it all, and so far I’ve seen how every single time it’s a constant decision to ‘stick’ to my decision to live fidelity and loyalty, simply because that’s the person that I decide to be for myself and another in my life.

Thanks for reading and thanks to the beings that share their experiences at eqafe.com which surely set the example for me to open this up for myself too.

Have a listen yourself too!

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 2) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

 

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509. Walking From the Past or Future, Into Self-Presence

Or how to stop projecting oneself in the past or into the future and instead walk out of that alternate reality into owning one’s physical reality

 

I watched Gian’s latest vlog on a particular process he walked where it is quite astounding how something that has been generally ‘common’ in our lives can cause such physical consequences and how he was able to also heal himself from it by living out an immediate process of self-correction.

I could relate a lot to what he shared in relation to the cause of his condition, which is about not living fully in the present but ‘walking in the past’ and so in his mind constantly going back to ‘the past’ and also projecting into the future and living in alternate realities recharging the emotional aspects held within such past moments, instead of fully embracing and accepting the reality that is here for him to live and ‘own’ in a way.

I can relate having done this many times, possibly not in the emotional way he described, but certainly in the sense of giving my breath and my presence into the mind entertaining images or ‘flashbacks’ and going into a ‘pondering’ mode of ‘what if I was there instead’? This would happen in places I had settled myself in for a ‘limited time’ or being generally ‘uncertain’ of my future there, I would constantly have flashbacks of what I had defined in my mind as a ‘preferred’ place to be at, and this would be a constant experience going on in my mind, where I wasn’t fully embracing, accepting, standing fully on my ground, my reality, my environment, the people around me but still I was indulging into the myriad of possibilities I could create in my mind like ‘who would I be with right now if I had not chosen to come here?’ ‘What would I be studying if I had not left to study here?’ and all of this would constantly come up during the most practical and physical moments in my reality, a distraction of sorts that I would give attention to unfortunately.

I never really questioned this in the sense of saying to myself  ‘Ok wait a minute, why am I constantly ‘dreaming of’ being somewhere else and projecting myself as in ‘who I would be’ if I was with other people, in a different place and situation than the one I currently am in?’ – I didn’t do that, and the reality is that I am not aware if I have had any physical consequence out of participating in this kind of ‘looking into the past and into the future’ instead of embracing my reality completely here. This was though some 7-8 years ago mostly – however, it has appeared lately again, wherein out of ‘nowhere’ I start having these flashbacks and considerations about a city that I left precisely because of finding it not supportive for me to live in – so, isn’t that contradictory?

At the same time I’ve noticed how in a very ingrained manner I have spent the past almost 7 years now in a way sort of perceiving my current situation as ‘temporary’, as if there’s something that’s going to happen and I won’t be here anymore, I have been in ‘waiting mode’ for many years now and I have caused to myself a point of stagnation at the same time, because I haven’t directed myself to ‘build roots’ so to speak, because of having this ‘plan’ in the back of my head of this being ‘a temporary place’ and me not going to stay here forever.

However, the point here is that instead of hoping or projecting myself somewhere else or living in a ‘waiting mode’ all the time, I have to make a directive decision about where I would like to establish myself and look at the potential and possibilities, practicality aspects and live out that decision.  This is a very ‘deep’ aspect though because I have lived mostly in a ‘normal way’ all of this time yet, I am also aware that I haven’t really settled where I am at, and the point that prevents it is the idea of ‘why building roots here if I won’t be here forever’?

That is quite a detrimental aspect of myself and I’m glad I got to see it clearly thanks to Gian’s sharing, because in a way I have been living with ‘one foot out of the door’ while the other half of myself has been living out ‘normally’ and ‘embracing’ my reality at a very superficial level, while there’s this constant background experience of ‘this is temporary’ and in doing so, I am not fully embracing and living my reality here – but instead living it as a form of ‘temporary step’ even almost in a ‘resignation’ mode as if I had no ability to choose or make directive decisions for my life.

In this, I don’t only have to consider what I would like but what is possible, feasible, doable and then direct myself to do it. But I do see how in any case, what I allow inside my mind as a retrospection or future projection in moments where I am supposed to be Here in my physical reality, completely in it/as it and walking through it, I have been indulging too much into ‘what was’ or ‘could have been’ or the ‘potential outcomes’ and in this, I am not living myself, I am living in alternate dimensions in my mind.

I enjoyed how Gian explained the solutions to this point that he walked where he decided to be in every space he’s at and ‘own’ it in a way, completely embracing and accepting the fact that he is ‘here’ in a particular environment, and making of his responsibilities ‘his’ completely, not ‘temporary’ or ‘in the meantime’ – he stopped living in the ‘waiting’ mode as I would call it and completely embraced the reality he was in.

Interestingly enough, I consider I haven’t yet fully lived that and it is one of those things I have to create, define and establish for myself. But the trick here for myself is to not go into expectation mode of ‘finding the place, the situation, the environment’ and so ‘waiting’ for it to somehow come into my life – nope.

The point is to let go of these past and future projections and instead completely embrace my present moment, my reality in living words that I can integrate as my self-presence, who I decide to be and live – instead of the ‘mind presence’ of past and future tense –remaining aware of whenever I am diving into a ‘thought’ of the past and ‘what once was’ or indulging into a remembrance of ‘how my life used to be’ to instead become aware that I am in fact repeating myself in the past and in that, I am not living Here, I am not growing here, I am not completely embracing my current reality and owning it, standing in it completely, not having ‘other places or other people’ in my mind. I have to focus on being truly here, breath by breath, moment by moment and at the same time being directive in who I am and what I do.  

That’s what I’ll practice and work on in order to walk my present, walk my ‘hereness’ so to speak and see how this will also support myself to not be in a ‘temporary-here’ mode, otherwise I could end up ‘living’ out the rest of my life in this ‘waiting mode’ or ‘temporary-here’ mode and miss out the actual process of self-creation and expansion.

If I am to make decisive changes, it’s up to me – and if I am not yet making them, then I have to embrace where I’m at currently and live the day to the best of my ability, owning my environment – not ‘for tomorrow,’ not going into ‘the past’ either, but fully embracing my life, my responsibilities, my self-creation here, no matter ‘where’ I am, I’m always here, in the physical, today – not yesterday, not in a tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.

 

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76. Art Saves: My Religion Exposed

 

Within looking at how I used my career choice initially as a way to ‘Get by’ and ‘a way out of the system,’ I am looking at how I would justify this decision by establishing relationships with people that would support and involve myself within such ‘life decisions,’ which is how I came to defend ‘our view’ the same way that any other religious person would defend their belief, which is something I was able to spot due to the latest Soul of Money interview How the Soul predetermined Human’s Relationship to Money – which also allowed me to understand how everything seemed ‘so perfect’ in terms of the relationship I had with specific people and ‘their dreams’ being ‘my dreams’ as well – all in all just the perfect way to feed my preprogrammed life and ensure that I would not delve myself any further than that which caught my attention first, which was art.

 

One of the reasons why I confirmed my ‘chosen path’ in life was due to having met the ‘most important relationships’ in my life because of art/ music, which was almost like a ‘miracle’ – ehm ehm preprogrammed – point in my life wherein I really believed that I was ‘meant to be’ with that person, I was meant to be doing that and that ‘god’ had given me such a good life with the opportunity to be an artist and have fun all the time – yes, this was MY religion and I would justify it with anything I could to maintain it ‘as is.’ No different to any Christian that pops eyes out when revealing the truth of the actual energetic kick they get of any rite – I had my rites and being with someone that backs up your religion with equal fervor ‘locks you’ into that self-belief with more candor than ever, making common sense literally nonexistent as all that exists is this glorious weedy ride where all is creation, art, laughter, enjoyment and chatting about existential matters that in no way regarded LIFE on Earth.

I would spend time at the terrace just taking pictures of the sky, hearing music, drawing, ‘living life’ in such peace that you know, everyone would like to just ‘stay like that forever’ – never daring to look at the real reality of human beings –why ruin such a moment? Everyone would think, and I also thought the same way until I dared to take off the blindfold for once and for all.

High-in-the-sea

2004

 

Some Self-Forgiveness for such existential-conversations with arguments to back up the Religion of Self as ‘the artist.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I in no way could ever see myself in a 9-5 job, saying that ‘I am way more capable than that,’ which was an obvious excuse and justification to ponder myself as this ‘artist’ that is ‘above’ the regular people and has this ‘special gift’ that makes her beyond the regular mortals, which is absolutely egotistical and self-centered statements where I was in no way aware of the reality of the world, but only caring about fulfilling my dreams and being with people that could whole-heartedly agree that they would not be able to see themselves in such a way either

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that because I could not see myself doing anything else than ‘art,’ I had the perfect excuse to never have to have a ‘regular job’ because apparently, I knew better and my life was ‘too special’ for that, which is the entire ego that got inflated by myself, my own thoughts, people around me throughout my life that also agreed that I had this ‘specialness’ in me that would get me into ‘very high places,’ lol never really realizing that they were only supporting my own ego-high that I even made real through becoming a religious weedy ‘ritualistic’ person, believing that my career was almost like a ‘divine gift’ and that I was able to have a ‘great life’ this life for some ‘good karma’ or something, which is how I justified and excused following my desires, having a good life and excusing poverty in this world as ‘bad karma people.’ Which is how I simply at that time ‘stopped caring’ about the world, because I was justifying everything with spirituality

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge everyone that had what I called ‘an ordinary life’ which was linked to having a ‘regular job’ and having to spend all day at work/ with kids and family, which I deemed like a curse to someone, just to be able to justify my desire to escape the system through my career.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my career as ‘an artist,’ could be the perfect excuse for me to not follow (and wallow according to my self-belief) into the family system of having kids, getting married, ‘settling down’ in just one place because I was busy following dreams of traveling, being famous, remaining ‘unsettled’ and ‘without a compromise’ with anything or anyone else than ‘art,’ which means that ‘art’ became my religion and my ‘savior’ from ‘the system,’ as an entire personality suit that I used to avoid having to take responsibility for myself and looking at the world that only ‘served me’ as inspiration, but in no way was I considering how to practically assist and support myself and others to make it a better place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘living an ordinary life doesn’t allow you to expand and be creative’ which became like a mantra that I would repeat myself wherein ‘ordinary life’ meant having a proper job, family, money, desires for success and having a cool position within the world-system through business and professions that had nothing to do with ‘artistic careers,’ which is how I used ‘art’ as an excuse to be an ‘eccentric person’ meaning out of the ‘usual drill’ of living, which is nothing else but justifying the actual fear of having to face myself in the world system and be In it as a regular participant, believing that I could surely live of art and being ‘an artist,’ just because everything had been ‘so easy for me,’ which started becoming a self-religious belief wherein everything would come ‘with ease’ to me, believing it had to be like a divine gift of sorts for me to be able to enjoy ‘my life’ in this life as some type of good-deeds-in-the-past-life reward. Absolutely unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I would not be ‘free’ if I had a husband and children, and equating marriage and children to a prison, a jail that I would run away from and even react in obvious disgust whenever anyone dared to question my ‘beliefs’ around marriage and having children in the future, just because of linking it to being bound to one place, having an ‘ordinary life’ when all I wanted was to be a ‘free spirited person’ that can ‘create’ and move around with no commitment, which would have actually lead me nowhere because the system simply does not work like that – meaning: to make money, you must be stable and committed to one point to work it through and finding odd ways to make a living is often leading to massive uncertainty in all aspects of our lives, which is why people that ‘make it’ are the most ‘settled,’ and within this understanding I see and realize that in order to equalize myself as the system, I must ‘settle down’ within the understanding and commitment to stand equal and one to the system of money and finally get past the ‘fears’ of being ‘ordinary’ as a self-belief.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that having a family, getting married, having a regular job implies constricting any form of ‘freedom,’ which implies that I believed myself to be ‘free’ in any form, never ever actually realizing how nothing and no one is Free until ALL is Free – and in that, simply using excuses and justifications for me to not ground myself to understand that, I could only thrive within the system by standing equal and one to it, which meant ‘the end’ to all these airy-fairy dreams of art and a ‘free spirited’ life-creation.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to my sister’s life and avoid at all cost becoming ‘like them,’ which meant the definition of having an ‘ordinary life,’ that till this day I see I have still judged as ‘ordinary’ and ‘boring’ and ‘constricting’ which are all aspects that come from this desire, want and need of myself to be ‘free’ and ‘unbound’ which is only a mindfuck of myself to perpetuate my own personality as ‘superior’ and ‘more intelligent’ – apparently – for deciding not to be bound to a relationship, a place, or even having desires to create a family and have kids – all of which was already quite ‘settled’ in my sister’s minds when they were my age.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience actual fear when writing about ‘creating a family’ because that is an aspect of ‘life’ that I ‘do not like talking about at all’ just because of how I have linked marriage, kids and family to being like a hell that I tried to escape through defining myself as/ becoming ‘an artist,’ and within such tag, making myself acceptable as the ‘eccentric one’ within my family = meaning ‘the one that would break the mold.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually future project myself with a partner living in a little house away from the city where he could play music, I could create art and have fun riding back and forth to the city to make money with art/ any other occupation and leave a ‘peaceful kind of life’ which became like this ‘dream’ in the back of my head that I almost get myself into fully right before I got to Desteni.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could in no way follow my sisters’ steps in life, which meant studying a career, working for a while to make enough money to then settle into having kids and having a family, just because of all the judgments I created toward ‘creating a family’ and believing that to be the ultimate imprisonment for ‘a free spirited being like me.’ Lol

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define myself and create my entire life as being ‘the antithesis of my sisters’ wherein I made sure that I would wear ‘the artist’s gown’ proudly, so that I could justify my actual fear to ever participate in the system of money as a regular being that has a stable job, that has a husband and kids, because that would mean the absolute ‘brainwashing type of life’ wherein I judged everyone that would follow dreams of success and money as ‘brainwashed,’ without realizing that I was doing the exact same thing, just veering to another direction but in the end: only seeking my personal heaven all the time in my ‘own particular way’ which became ‘my religion.’

 

I forgive myself to still hold on to the memory of my sister’s final exam in her uni where she was granted some honors that made everyone proud, and within that, thinking that I had to ‘top that’ which became this elusive comparison that I had to apparently ‘beat’ with my career just to remain within my self-belief of being ‘the most intelligent of my family’ that had a ‘promissory future,’ wherein the entire fear of failing at fulfilling such desire looms in the back of my head based on these future projections that I would participate in based in ‘making it’ within the art world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to admire my sister because of having had a great final exam and great career development – then becoming disillusioned about her once that she had to quit her ‘kickass job’ because of following her desires to get married and have a kid, which was only confirming what ‘I was expecting of her,’ as self-righteous judgment that I used to fuel the idea that: ‘even if she was ‘great’ in her career, she won’t follow through with it, because her desires to have a family will be stronger than becoming successful in her career’ – and so it happened and I only fueled my self-righteous prognostic.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to take a position of superiority in comparison to my sisters wherein I have believed myself to be ‘more intelligent’ and ‘wiser’ because of not following the usual ideas of having a relationship and being planning to ‘settle down’ and getting the entire house/ marriage/ kids type of life which I have judged them for in the back of my head, without realizing that it was all based on me actually fearing having to face such a life because it meant having to stand in the system and have an ‘ordinary life’ of making money to ‘settle myself down’ the same way that they have done.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think ‘There is no way that I ‘m going to waste myself that way’ wherein I used my sisters as the example of everything that I did Not want to be/ become, still till this day seeing their lives as boring and dull, which is just a spiteful judgment and self-righteous to justify my actual fear of even considering myself living their lives of great responsibility now that they have children.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually fear and be petrified by the mere idea of having children.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘support’ and a ‘supportive relationship’ that of someone that could agree with me whenever I would talk about ‘having an ordinary life’ as the worst thing one could ever do in a lifetime, and in that believing that whomever had ‘the same ideals in life’ was meant to be with me for the rest of my life, lol

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually veil myself from seeing that I was no different to my sisters/ anyone else in the world that plans a future with someone that can ‘agree’ with them and their ‘lifestyle’ which in essence comprises the same desires for happiness/ fulfillment/ satisfaction just the ‘means’ and ‘ways’ of obtaining that is what differs.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I wasn’t born to be that way’ pointing out ‘the way’ as the path that my sisters/ what I deemed ‘regular people’ would follow through within their lives, wherein I would instead believe that I had this ‘special gift’ that I could use as a justification to not have to go through that ‘path in life’ of the ‘ordinary living conditions.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘my thing is to create and be with likeminded people,’ which is how I would deliberately seek to create relationships within ‘the artworld’ and through those relationships believe ourselves to be ‘superior’ than the rest of the world because of the entire self-brainwash of considering ‘arts’ as an evolutionary step within a human being, which is how I would justify my own denigration toward ‘the ordinary lives’ that people live, without ever realizing the type of life I was aiming at being no different to that of any other ‘regular person’ in the world, and that I was in fact only seeking to be also happy, fulfilled and having a partner in life that I could continue my ‘creative dreams’ with, which still till this day remained as some elusive ideal in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the relationship that I had with that one person was absolutely ‘meant to be’ and it’s the relationship that has took me the most till this day to self-forgive and absolutely let go, because of all the dreams that I built around it for over half of my life – so, I realize that my dreams to be an artist were also based on wanting to be a special person that could be with this other ‘special person’ and be together in our ‘creative dreams’ wherein we could have art as the religion that binds us. This means that, within me realizing the religion I was following as ‘art,’ I am able to see with more clarity how I was structuring my life according to a single belief system that is no different to someone else’s wishes and desires to be ‘rich’ and famous, being absolutely religious in one way or another, or having knowledge as their ultimate ‘worth’ in themselves – art became that point that would bind my dreams and my relationship with the person that I had ‘dreamed’ about for a long time. Never ever questioning how come it had actually happened the exact same way I had envisioned it, and to what extent that relationship defined the entirety of ‘who I am’ and ‘what I want to be’ in the future.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I could do this forever: creating and enjoying life’ which was part of the self-belief that I followed in order to continue my self-definition of being with this particular person in my life, and reinforcing ideas of not having to be making a living out of ‘bullshit’ in this world – wherein ‘bullshit’ meant anything Not related to art-creation/ performance, etc.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think ‘What a better way to live life but to create!’ and in that, justifying my self-religion of seeking the ultimate satisfaction and relationship to others through that self-religion, as a way to not have to face the world system, remain in my happy-go-lucky artistic bubble with ‘likeminded people’ that I could simply use as a reinforcement to my own ‘decisions in life to be and become an artist,’ just because they were doing the same with their lives: trying to escape from themselves/ the world, feeling victimized from ‘the world system’ and wanting to create a safe haven outside of the city to just ‘be free, live and create,’ all of it just being a pipe dream, literally.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was genuinely happy at that time, which became just a mechanism of my mind to always take me back to those times/ memories as if I was genuinely happy and fulfilled, when in reality I was in the most self-suppressed state of being within a relationship that was not supportive at all and just using anything I could to not have to face myself, making myself co-dependent to another’s dreams and in that, make them ‘my own’ through association, due to the belief of art being a ‘savior’ in our lives, no different to any other religion.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I in no-way could do anything else than ‘art’ or any other artistic career like playing music, writing, photography and all these activities that seemed ‘acceptable’ as a profession in the world system, yet not fully being defined within my mind as the ‘ordinary type of career,’ which is how I came to justify my entire existence being based on ‘dream-fulfilling’ through art as a way to escape the world system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could remain drawing forever and be with people that would be also creative and be ‘happy together’ lol, which became just the usual way to justify my career my decision and ‘what I want to do with my life’ with this entire ‘feel good’ attitude to it. I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to establish my ideal life/ my idea of fun as being with someone else in a relationship wherein one could be playing music and I could be creating graphic art and fulfill our ‘creative dreams’ together, which is why I had a tendency to seek out for musicians lol – It’s an exorcism here so

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately seek out for musicians to establish a relationship with, because of the dream that I held oh so dearly as my ideal life wherein I could be ‘creating plastic/ visual arts’ and ‘he’ the ‘ideal partner’ could make the music for it, which became like this perfect future as the creative couple – just like many couples in the artworld that I sought to emulate – couples playing in bands, couples directing music videos, couples working in art-creation together.

 

Art Saves

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself believing that I could in no way take a regular job, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am following my ‘self-religion’ as ‘the artist’ wherein I would justify my aversion to having to be In the system and have a regular income Within the system – thus I direct myself to equalize myself to the system wherein no matter what I do to earn money, I realize that the purpose of doing this is to support myself, to be In the system and to support an actual process of changing the way the world-system works which implies that I won’t only be in it for the mere sake of survival, but as an active participant to finally establish a world system wherein I/ we won’t have to depend on money any longer as a limit to what we want to be/ become in our lives, this implies that standing up for life in equality as a new monetary system will allow each person to express themselves in the way that they really want to live and exist as wherein money will no longer define what an ‘ordinary’ or ‘extraordinary’ life is based on the way that money is made to live/ survive in the world system.

 

When and as I see myself denigrating anyone that is currently living a life within the system and having what I had deemed as an ‘ordinary life,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the spitefulness that I bred in my mind in order to not have to face myself going through the actual equalization of myself as the system, which implies that I direct myself to simply focus on what I have to do and become in order to really stand Within the system, no longer defining it as following a dream/ deviating from a dream – but living decisions that are based in the common sensical steps required for each one of us to take Self-Responsibility for this world and do what we have to do to manifest it/ create it as a living-activity until it is done.

 

When and as I see myself ‘pondering’ what I would be doing if I had followed my dreams and all of the idealism I sought to fulfill in my life – I stop and I breathe – I realize that such ideas were simply pipe dreams that I used in order to not face myself, to not take Self-Responsibility – hence I stand as the decision that I’ve taken to support myself to exist as an individual that become part of the people that support themselves to let go of all limitations and fears to actually change the world from within and without through practically taking one point in our world as ‘our responsibility ‘and following through with it as a life commitment.

 

When and as I see myself judging people’s lives as ‘ordinary’ I stop and I breathe, I realize that I gave such definition in a derogatory way to believe that I was making the ‘right choices’ in life, based on preferences/ self-beliefs and ideas of me as an ‘artist’ being able to have an ‘eccentric unique life,’ an ‘extraordinary’ life, which is part of the programming embedded within society wherein an ‘artist’ is acceptable as ‘not normal’ based on societal patterns which is nothing else but another belief system in itself that in no way regards life in equality in/ as all living beings. I stop placing further tags upon life itself.

 

When and as I see myself silently judging marriage, families, having kids, and the act of ‘settling down,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I judged that as ‘ordinary’ and as the ‘locks of the system,’ based on me fearing standing one and equal as the system and actually fearing ever committing myself to such points in life, which I see that once I remove the fear and judgment to it, if and the point is here to be walked, I am willing to do so within the consideration of what is best for all life at all times and never in self-interest desires.

 

When and as I see myself fearing ‘settling down’ because of having the idea of always being and remaining a ‘free spirited person,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the career choice was based on me being able to perpetuate myself as a ‘free being,’ but never based on actual practical physical reality taking into consideration earning money/ working within the system, but my entire decision was based on dreams, preferences and desires which I’ve walked previously – thus I realize that the direction that I give to myself will be based on being able to have a stable income, a stable place wherein I can work in the most suitable position in order for me to be an active participant in the changes that we’ll be walking within the world system, wherein I ensure that I am no longer bound to dreams and desires of the past – and instead, ground myself (lol wrote moneyself) to have a stable financial position as that is the primary point within the world system, as well as establishing relationships of Self-Support in the physical and practical considerations and no longer based on desire, attraction, support of fellow belief-systems and personalities and ego.

 

When and as I see myself comparing my life to the one of my sisters and their decisions in life, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to simply direct myself in the consideration of what’s best for all and not only trying to ‘step out of the family-mold’ which implies that I no longer resist walking any similar steps as all decision will be based on the point I’ll be walking in my reality which will be placing myself in the most suitable position in the world system to establish the necessary changes in the world in the consideration of Life in Equality – the measuring point for this will be cross referenced with people that I can get further perspectives on what is best for all whenever I see myself being stuck at making decision – yet being aware that whatever decision I take, will be walked in the name of Life itself – and never again my ego and personal desires.

 

When and as I see myself comparing the careers that my sisters’ have had – I stop and I breathe, I realize that such comparison stemmed from my desire to be ‘superior’ as ‘more intelligent’ within the family, which is all ego based – therefore I let go of my desire to end up being perceived as a ‘cunning’ person, but instead follow through with the necessary points to finish and walk the next steps in my life, preparing myself to place myself in the position that I will require to be in to support within this process of self-change into a world system based on Life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am ‘missing out on life’ being ‘life’ linked to my previous artistic endeavors, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I had linked my entire future to ‘being an artist’ and within that, having no regard to me becoming someone that would have even get to positions that I officially ‘loathed’ in terms of it all having to do with social and political management, which is what I am willing to be and become as well as the necessary education, because that’s the foundation of support for all humans beings to start considering Life in Equality – so, I realize that what I will be doing will be actively participating in the near future, within the education of myself and others within the principles of Life in Equality and structuring my life in away wherein I can ensure that all relationships that I establish are in direct accordance to this process, my life commitment first, and then to existence as a whole, which is standing as who I really am in all aspects of my life.

 

When and as I see myself being ‘unsatisfied’ and seeking happiness, I stop and I breathe. I realize that such happiness I had linked it to airy-fairy dreams of ‘creation’ that were in no way supportive, and only based on equally high-conversations that did not consider the practical living reality at all but were just literal pipe dreams that would only serve to our egos and our desire to not face ourselves, which is unacceptable – thus I support myself to remind myself of the commitment to life I’ve made and that won’t require to be a ‘constant reminder’ as when I am here as breath as life, there is no need to desire or ‘yearn’ for happiness or fulfillment – one simply walks the decision with no desire to experience something , but walks in self-responsibility as the correction to stop all the self-interest and desires that have been the building blocks of this current world-system that we are her to stop within and as ourselves and correct/ direct into a best for all outcome.

 

When and as I see myself looking at people as ‘potential partners’ based on what they do in life – placing preference to musicians – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am falling into the egotistical pattern of ‘being an artist’ and in that already creating a preference of people over others – thus I commit myself to stop following my dreams and desires toward people based on ‘what they do,’ but instead support myself to establish agreements, relationships in all aspects within the consideration of what is best for all life – wherein no preference intervenes to place myself in the most suitable position within the world system to walk my decision to support myself and others equal and one within this process.

 

I let go of my art religion, because I see that this is the ‘real god’ I’ve worshipped the longest in my life and it had gone so inadvertently that it is like draining myself from my ‘safe haven’ – It had always been ‘here’ as something ‘in the background’ throughout my life, never wanting to admit that it was like this faith that I kept as myself, just like people keep ‘their god’ up there, as a faith that they can just hold on to as a point of resort and self-definition.

 

I breathe and realize I am here, and that letting go of all these dreams and ideas and future projections can only allow myself to become more self-directive in the decisions that I make from here on in my life, wherein I won’t allow myself to seek out a relationship based on any artistic bond or desires to ‘create’ and ‘be happy’ – but instead take into consideration the actual ‘facing’ of the world system that requires our absolute self-responsibility to practically and physically establish solutions wherein we stop for a moment seeking only our self-interested futures and instead create/ build a future that is best for all.

 

 

No es mi sisema 05

No es mi sistema 2005 (It’s not my system)

This is an allusion of how I saw the world as ‘too corrupted’ for my pure beating heart  – instead of realizing I was IT as well. I face the system as myself without wanting to remain in a separate bubble of dreams – I am the only one that can save myself.

 

Blogs:

 

These interviews supported me to realize what  ‘my religion’ was linked to money as the ultimate experience


73. Creative Spirit: I Just want to Paint!

 

In the previous blog My Career Choice (Day 72) I described the moment that I shifted from one career to another. Here I am walking that initial moment in my life – 2003– wherein after school ended I had this desire to paint as an occupation for that summer. From the beginning of this idea my plan was: going to buy the cheapest watercolors and using recycled (used) paper to begin with my ‘little explorations’ – I had this idea of art being something expensive and that I could Not possibly afford to ‘spoil’ and ‘squander’ money in. I was a rather solitary and isolated person at that time, I had no friends to ‘hang out with’ and my resort was reading, hearing music, learning how to play the guitar and this additional point of drawing and beginning to paint, which eventually turned into a ‘safe haven’ for me to justify my desire to just be ‘left alone’ and indulge into my own little world in my room with ‘everything that I liked doing’ existed.  This became the context of me taking this ‘little experiment with painting’ into an actual ‘serious’ decision of what I want to do with my life.

 

Within this, I’ve realized how we make decisions based on ‘what we like’ and what we ‘prefer doing’ which we can already see implies there are various reasons, excuses and justifications as to why we ‘prefer’ something over other things, which usually entails by default points that we rather Never do or avoid doing at all  – and the nitty gritty details of this will be disclosed as Self-Forgiveness

 

Self Forgiveness Statements

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the only way that I could entertain myself and have fun was through doing something that I had deemed as a ‘superior recreational activity,’ which was painting back in 2003 as a way to be able to retreat myself into ‘learning how to paint’ by my own, as if it was a ‘naturally instigated desire’ without realizing that I had in fact talked myself into it from simple admiration of paintings and artists themselves.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go and buy the cheapest watercolors in the store and use recycled paper to start painting, because of believing that I would most likely create shitty works and I would not be able to afford spending ‘quality material’ on me, which is part of the self-limitation pattern of not giving to myself the best that I am able to give to me because of money being a limitation as a constant lock in my head to not spend money on me, but rather always save it as a means of self-security and protection for any ‘eventuality’ in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to only use recycled papers in using the blank side of photocopied books for school to pain, just because of feeling too guilty about the trees that are consumed to create paper, without realizing that it is part of the same belief-system of me as the ‘ecofriendly’ person in self-interest, without actually investigating how everything that I do and consume has an effect on a global level that could be changed if money was not in the way of establishing the best possible ways to produce materials for art and any other living-aspect in our reality

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for feeling guilty when spending money on myself, because of defining this as ‘greedy’ without realizing it is actually self-manipulation wherein I would not allow myself to buy myself things within the idea that I was ‘not yet worth it’ – within this expecting me to someday be ‘pro’ in art and then be able to spend money on myself, but not yet – which is absolutely self-manipulation that became a constant in all aspects in my life when it comes to spending money on myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the materials that I used to start painting with the worth of ‘my painting skills’ themselves as being incipient and immature wherein I could simply ‘not afford’ to pay for a lot of money for me to start painting something that I could not deem as ‘worthy yet’ – within this valuing my expression according to the idea of people only earning market-value in the realm of arts after they are ‘well experienced’ in the field, wherein I diminished my initial paintings to being just ‘attempts of creations’ when comparing my expression to other artists and believing that I was not ‘good enough’ yet to make my work worthy of quality materials, which is linked to how money has defined the hierarchical values within everything that we do and how we accept such hierarchy according to skills and judgment of expression as being worth/ unworthy of spending money on something to support our expression.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only spend money on my works once that I would be a professional on the field – which is how I justified me using the lowest quality materials to create within the belief that I was not yet ‘worthy’ of quality materials, equating quality/ expensive materials to me only being able to get those when I would get to be in fact ‘worthy’ of them, in this diminishing my incipient expression as less than and fuckups and just ‘messing around’ with painting, without realizing that this very starting point became a constant wherein I could see my works as never ‘worthy’ of any form of market value or quality and justifying it with saying that my work was not meant to be ‘of quality’ but rather focusing on the message I wanted to portray.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to extend this quality of messiness and lack of dedication to the presentation of the work itself, because of using money as an excuse that I could and would only be delicate, specific and careful with my work once that I could afford the quality materials to do so, and that in the meantime everything that I created with recycled paper and cheap watercolors was only ‘fucking around,’ which became the actual experience that remained within me and art-creation, a fucking around with no self-direction in consideration of what it would take to really perfect myself and support myself to do and present things in the best possible way that I realized I could, but it would take actual dedication and effort to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could only afford getting myself ‘quality stuff’ when being a professional, which is part of the self-belief of ‘not being worthy enough yet’ to give myself the best that I can and am able to afford to support myself and skills, which is a tendency of belittling myself according to ‘not being worthy of’ getting and receiving something that I have placed as ‘more valuable’ than myself itself, which is money and the social connotation that money has within the art world, wherein only ‘quality works’ are able to be sold for great amounts of money –therefore seeing myself always ‘on the way there’ but never taking a directive decision to make things the best possible way in a dedicated, careful, precise and clean manner, but would rather be messy and careless about presentation due to using money as an excuse and ‘not wanting to fit in’ within the realms of ‘fame and fortune’ while secretly desiring to be part of it as well, yet remaining righteous about my messiness and careless presentation as a reflection of me ‘not having enough money’ to do so, which is absolute self-manipulation and self-victimization in artwork itself to determine ‘who I am’ as a limited expression due-to and because of money. 

 

My Very first watercolor after I got from the shop 2003

My very first ‘watercolor’ after I got very excited from the shop with those watercolors  (2003)

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that everything that I ever really wanted to do for the rest of my life was paint, listen to music/write album reviews, read, write stories and be locked in my house with no one bothering me at all.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I could write, paint, hear music, read for the rest of my life, living alone and ‘following my dreams’ wherein I could be deemed as this ‘talented person’ and ‘a true artist’ that could not afford any other distraction but always remaining creating/ being creative and expressing her tortured soul lol, which is how I came to justify my desires to escape of this world through linking escapism to ‘being creative’ and building my self-belief as ‘an artists’ as a way to actually retreat from the world and isolate myself from the rest of the world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into the belief that painting, drawing, listening to music, being secluded in my room reading and writing was all that I really wanted to do for the rest of my life, in order to justify my actual desire to not have to face the world that I had deemed as a ‘cookie monster’ that was too cruel and harsh for my ‘sensitive nature’ which I used as an excuse and validation to believe that: what I was meant to be and do was ‘art’ and that this is ALL that I can ever be, which implied a lot of self-talk into believing that I had this special features and ideas and visualizations that were revealing to me that ‘this was it’ for me, that I had to be and become an artist in either writing, painting or playing music.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to become an artist was based on the people I would see on TV as musicians that were having ‘a ball’ in their lives, playing music and being ‘creative,’ while earning a lot of money which is how I linked the idea of myself becoming an artist, earning a lot of money, becoming famous and having ‘a ball’ in my life with me being an eccentric creative person as a self-definition that I built for myself and as myself through following my thoughts and talking myself into believing that I had a message to bring and that I was really talented to create and ‘make art’ as a professional career.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had so much to say and speak and do that was not able to be portrayed with words, that I used images as a way to express myself – and within this giving it this ‘specialness aura’ wherein I believed for a time that words were not ‘good enough’ to satisfy my ‘inner visions’ and desire to express, which was just another way of wanting to be special and unique and original and misunderstood, which is also part of me not wanting to be ‘like the rest of the people,’ but have something ‘outstanding’ and ‘special’ according to how I had defined myself throughout my life to be an outsider, to be not like everyone else, to be special, to see things ‘differently’ and within this fitting my entire self-definition as ‘being an artist’ because all the definitions fit with the usual artistic profiles that I would read of ‘famous people,’ and saying ‘Yes! this is what I am!’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘the world overwhelmed me’ and in this thinking and believing myself to be this sensitive person that could only portray what I would see reality like through painting, which is and was a major mind-wash lol that I used in order to build and build and build the idea of myself as ‘an artist’ as a way to ensure that I become this ‘profile’ so much that it becomes inevitable for others to comply to my decision and support my self-definition of me being a creative person and having to become an ‘artist’ for life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use music, writing, reading, playing music as way to reinforce my idea of ‘no one understands me’ / ‘I am just too much of a sensitive being for this world’/ somebody help me! Wherein all of these activities would be accompanied with depressive states, gloomy visions about human nature and our reality, which is when I started writing in a way to feed my personalities and backchat to believe that the future would hold ‘better days’ for me, allowing me to wallow in y own self-created experience in order to have something to paint, write or ‘transmit’ through music – all of it was self-talk transformed into images to support the same self-talk.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be writing about myself back then (2003) as a way to future project a moment in time when such writings would become part of my biography as being this talented artist that had such ‘profound visions and perspectives on the world,’ which means that my writing became a way to reinforce my own mindfuck and self-definition of being a ‘special being’ with ‘special visions’ upon life as a way to validate my desire to be a ‘genuine artist.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘no one understands me!’ which is one of the reasons why I secluded and isolated myself from the rest of the world and entertained myself with me only painting, writing, reading, hearing and playing music for the sake of reinforcing this idealized version of the ‘hermit artist’ that requires to be silent and in a specific ‘mood’ in order to create, which is how I came to validate myself as being a sensitive being that would get into these ‘states of being’ to create.

 

I forgive myself that I never accepted and allowed myself to see how I would actually talk myself and write myself into depression and experiences in order to later on just stop writing and start painting wherein everything that I had programmed within myself as this ‘gloomy’ perspective on my life and the world would be translated into a picture that I could then define as ‘expression’ and ‘art’ and make myself feel good about my own ‘depressive states’ that I deemed were the most ‘genuine’ ones, without seeing how I simply programmed myself to do so and there was never something special about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to hold Ok computer as a revelation to myself and my work wherein I believed that painting about the system and capitalism was ‘my thing’ and my message to the world, from the starting point of self-victimization and within holding these ideas of specialness of myself as ‘an artist in the making,’ which is precisely how I created myself as a particular personality, believing that it was just coming out of ‘myself,’ but it wasn’t, it was just me picking to be and become the dreams that I fueled from a very young age of wanting to be an artist and performing, dancing, playing music or painting as a professional career, which all came from what I would see in the media and what I would be fed by my parents as music and people performing as something to idolize and look up to.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that my mission in life was to paint and give a message to the world through my art, which became like an epiphany at that time and thinking that I had to do everything that I could in order to justify this ‘epiphany’ of being and becoming an artist so that I could eventually pick an artistic career, without actually admitting myself to see that this was due to the extensive judgment that I created toward the system according to what I would read, watch and hear as entertainment itself, which were mostly books, lyrics, people’s perspectives on how fucked the world is and how art is the perfect way to ‘escape from reality,’ which is what I embraced as my religion: escaping from reality through being creative.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that each painting held a mystery to me, and that my mission in life was to become a prophet-like person with my paintings, which was a reverend mindfuck that I fueled with and through my own perceptions and beliefs about myself and the world as being this ‘sensitive being’ that was being revealed ‘messages’ through paintings – all quite a substantial aspect of my self-religion as a creative, misunderstood person with a gift to present messages through images – all my own mindfuck.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to start painting after a while holding the expectation of ‘what will people say about my paintings?’ and within this, starting to shape and mold my expression in order to satisfy others or what I believed others would like, wherein I started compromising myself in order to do things ‘for others’ and within the expectation of judgment, without realizing that whenever I would do this, I would end up being unsatisfied about the results and considering that I would ‘someday’ be ‘good enough at the eyes of others’ which became an actual obstacle in my creative processes and never considering that my work was ‘good enough’ and actually believing till this day that my work is just not good enough or lacking ‘professionalism’ within itself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually fear that people would judge my paintings and say that I was not an artist at all, wherein I would then fear having to ‘let go’ of my dream because of being labeled as ‘not good enough’ which didn’t happen and instead took the positive judgments of people as a way to reinforce my self-belief that ‘I was one the right track’ to become an artist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to make lots of paintings as a way to ensure that I could cover people’s different tastes and measure what I could continue doing and discontinue doing based on the feedback I would get, which means that I begun caging my expression based on wanting to satisfy others, compromising my ‘unconditional expression’ to suit others preferences and needs.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted an allowed myself to deliberately hide this bunch of paintings from my family because of not wanting to expose myself to them as being a tortured, depressive maniac that would paint some type of violent scenes that had in no way relationship to my ‘calm’ and pacific life locked up in my room, which became the way that I justified my distant stance toward them because of believing that ‘they would not understand,’ and feeling more and more like an alien at home because there was no one else interested in arts and culture the same way I was.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to justify my ‘alienation’ at home based on me believing myself to be special and unique as ‘an artist’ that was misunderstood at home, using such thoughts to fuel my creation as a way to ‘want to escape’ and ‘find my real mission in life’ wherein I would picture myself living and being somewhere else but ‘here.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately instigate an emotional and feeling experience whenever I was painting, fueling it with music – such as being reading and abruptly getting a desire to paint and just turn on the music and grab my brushes and paint and get into this ‘inspirational moment’ that I simply would be building as a point of self-definition as an eccentric personality, yet making myself belief that I was in ‘the perfect moment’ to create, which is what started leading met o be more and more interested in the occult and unexplainable things in my reality that I thought would have a divine meaning, lol.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that Painting is what I want to do for the rest of my life – placing writing and playing music as the other two options in the hierarchical value-scheme of ‘who and what I want to be when I grow up’ which is how I built my self-religion of being an artist, believing myself to be special and ‘resonating’ with some of the biographies I would read from artists wherein I could identify myself with them, thus fueling the belief that ‘I am on the right track, I must become an artist’ in almost an anxious and absolute excitement as a self-revelation of something ‘magnificent’ in my life, which I really took to the extremes as an actual energetic experience that I became used to fuel through music, words, thoughts, pictures and my own imagination of course, in order to believe that I was in fact discovering my ‘real mission in life’ and that it was a ‘special one,’ without actually seeing that all I was busy doing is entertaining myself within the arts/ cultural realms to not have to one day face the ‘harsh capitalist world’ of office jobs and regular money-making professions which I judged as ‘lower’ and ‘lesser evolved’ than being an ‘artist’ or a ‘philosopher’ or any other creative and reflective profession in the world, as if knowledge and art could be the actual ‘change’ in the world as both points currently exist as in our world system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to infatuate myself with beliefs of who and what I have to be and become, and stick to it like glue with no flexibility, which is how when getting married to a certain idea of myself it became equally difficult having to let go of it, because of all the meaning and ‘specialness’ I had built and fueled It with, which was the reason why I had such a breakdown when finding Desteni because of all the ‘effort’ that I had placed onto ‘my art’ and ‘my creations’ and my personality as this someone that is special and unique, thus having to let go of my specialness and uniqueness when realizing that all I had lived was preprogrammed life choices to entertain myself to not take self responsibility for the world.

 

My Room - 2003

My room 2003

 

Pattern: Following my desires and talking myself into believing that ‘this is it, this is what I’m meant to be doing for the rest of my life!’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that ‘this is it, this is what I’m meant to be doing in my life’ based on constructing myself as the ideal of who I want to be based on affinity, attraction, desires and idealization so of who and what I can be and become as an ‘artist’/ painter in my life, based on the belief that all I am doing in my life is ‘searching my mission’ and within that, using every excuse, belief, and association of myself to a particular activity as ‘a mission’ or as a ‘sign’ that I must stick to that path no matter what and within this thinking process, develop an actual self-religion based on premises that I have created as an outflow of my own self-talk, self-belief and deliberate training to be and become that which I have valued as ‘special’ and ‘important’ and ‘mysterious’ such as art-making.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am making choices in my life based on ‘signs’ and some unnatural ‘force’ that is placing all of these points for me to consider as an actual career choice, just because of how I learned from a very young age as a kid that I ‘should know what I want to be when I grow up’ which became a constant and actual worry even at a tender age of 6-7 years old, wherein I thought that if I wanted to be an astronaut, I had to start studying the universe, picking up a book and starting reading about it in order to be ‘well prepared for when the time comes to be an astronomer/ astronaut’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of careers and the choice of it as the ‘most important decision in life’ wherein it seemed that once I had chosen what to study and what to be, I would be bound to it no matter what, which is how making decisions on what to study became a terrifying event in my life, preparing myself several years for it, just because of the belief that suddenly dropping out/ changing career or not living out of (making money from) the career one chooses is regarded by society as a failure, as not being successful enough, which became a fear in the background within myself, wherein I would push my self to ensure that I do not fail and fearing not eventually being in the ‘right career’ which did lead me to change careers and eventually realize that none of them is what I really wanted to be and become because all my choices were based on ‘who I am’ as my mind as preferences, likes and dislikes, which is now a point that I am ensuring is no longer defining my choices in life – this implies that I allow myself to not judge what I did and the decisions I took in the past, as I did not know anything else other than ‘following my desires/ dreams’ and never considered at all how I could contribute to make of this world a better place for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to talk myself into believing that I am walking through certain events and people, and things, and books, music, writing as ‘signs’ that I must follow and arrange like a puzzle to determine ‘my mission in life’ which is pretty much a spiritual-influenced type of decision due to the entire ‘aura’ of specialness that I got to know art had throughout human history, which became a fascination within me, leading myself to believe that because I was so fascinated with it, I had to be a part of it – in this using self-talk, backchat and basically convincing myself that I had to be in the art world because I had ‘talent’ for it, without ever really considering what I would be doing within the art world and how I would practically sustain and live, but following just a dream and using the belief that ‘I’ll sort the financial aspect as I go’ and in that, leaving things to just flow without me taking into consideration the actual practical aspects that would lead me to make an informed decision in my life, and not just following what I wanted, desired and liked based on enjoyment and personal desires, wherein the world system and the state of the world became the point that I wanted to avoid facing/ escaping from, using art as a socially acceptable way to do so in a ‘nice’ way wherein I could still earn money from the system, while doing what I like.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the preferences, likes and dislikes that I’ve created and supported throughout my life are those wherein my mind is able to thrive the most, as in fueling up self-definitions, ideas and experiences that are pretty much linked to the experience of myself as my mind, and not considering the practical physical reality wherein one has to earn money to live, which is how I took a decision in my life in an airy-fairy manner not considering practical living at all, but just day dreaming about me suddenly getting to be very famous and have enough money to fulfill my dreams, not realizing that this would lead me nowhere, because the world does not work like in dreams, but actual decisions are required to be taken in order to physically and practically be able to support myself, which is how I realize that all my self-talk and belief of wanting to be an artist was just escapism and calling it an affinity and ‘natural ability’ towards art.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to absolutely disregard what’s best for all and me taking a position in the world to be part of the change that I wanted to see in the world, but instead chose a career in order to ‘step out of the system’ – apparently and not have to face it as my responsibility, but rather be ‘creative’ about it as a way to just show that I was loathing the system and being unsatisfied with it, and calling it ‘art’ and ‘expression,’ without considering that I could in fact prepare myself to be part of the solution that I see and realize this world requires, which is now a point that I realize I will take on within my life as it is never too late to accept that we made the wrong decisions and from here on, direct ourselves to a point that is of actual benefit to humanity and myself as one and equal to create a new world system that regards Life in Equality –

 

My room 1 - 2003

My room – (View from the sofa I always used to sit from) 2003

 

Self Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself believing that art is a ‘superior human activity’ I stop and I breathe- I realize that I have brainwashed myself to believe that in order to justify my decision in life based on wanting to be an ‘artist’ just so that I could remain isolated, doing ‘what I want/ what I like’ on my own, which is an aspect of my entire personality that sought to be a hermit, not socializing and only fueling and becoming an ‘erudite’ in my field – arts in general – to value knowledge and ‘my profession’ over my own life. Thus, I direct myself to equalize all human activities as equal wherein I stop wanting to do something over another activity based on how I have arranged them in my mind, but instead, take all activities and my participation within the world according to the practicality and priority of such activities in my world, instead of following only a desire to experience myself in a certain positive way.

 

When and as I see myself seeking to buy only the cheapest for myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this ‘buy the cheapest’ is family ingrained ideas that money is a scarce thing and that we rather buy the cheapest to ‘save money,’ wherein saving money became a fear to lose money itself, being constantly fueled and reactivated every time that I would direct myself to the cashier and letting go of money as in losing that ‘security’ as ‘my savings.’ Within this, I realize that I can let go of the idea that by buying the cheapest I am ‘securing myself as money,’ because this is just an idea and ingrained belief toward money itself, with no actual foundation other than what I learned from my parents with regards to ‘taking care of money’ and always seeking to spend the least money on what we buy and consume for ourselves, seeing higher prices as a luxury that is simply not-affordable for ourselves.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘ecofriendly’ as in not generating too much waste and using ‘the least’ for myself such as painting over used paper, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just a self-belief as ‘the saver’ in terms of money and resources, without realizing that everything that I consume in this world has an environmental impact that I am mostly unaware of until I study and inform myself how things are created, which only become knowledge and information that I worry about and ‘avoid,’ without realizing that such processes could actually be transformed/ changed and improved to be done in less-harmful ways if we establish a monetary system that is based upon Life itself as a self-supportive system, instead of seeing the production and commercialization of products as ways to earn money/ make a lot of profit which is the reason why we still consume in harmful and careless ways the resources of the earth, which implies that I must first stop the judgment toward what I use and instead direct myself to establish such solution so that all abuse in all aspects in this world can be stopped, one point at a time, beginning with me not making of money the real god and decision-maker in and of my life.

 

When and as I see myself to feel guilty for spending money on myself, buying what I need and materials and anything that I regard as ‘non-essential,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am manipulating myself to feel like a victim through belittling myself as not being ‘worth it,’ wherein I am using the value-system of things and money itself in comparison to myself and my own life, which is not acceptable as this is how we create our own hierarchical levels of ‘what I’m worthy of/ what I’m not yet worthy of’ based on the social rules of valuing people, career, things, qualities as ‘more’ than ourselves, instead of realizing Life as the one and only real value wherein money wont’ define ‘who I am’ or how I can or cannot support myself, but can instead become a single too to support ourselves in the best manner possible, which implies that there will be no more limitation based on money itself and the fear of ‘lacking money/ ending up with no money’ as a constant survival fear that is existent every time that I pay money for that which I require to live and to create.

 

When and as I see myself going through the thinking pattern of ‘being worthy of using something expensive’ I stop and I breathe – I realize I am comparing myself to the values placed through a monetary convention that in no way regard life in Equality, wherein expensiveness is linked in my mind to being professional, to ensure that I won’t squander resources/ money and that I’ll make ‘the most of it’ wherein art and creation is then not unconditional but always taking into consideration the amount of money spent on the materials and everything that is bought in order to create, which is the reason why and how self-expression is not FREE in this world as everything I’ve done is equated to money wherein even ‘skills’ are able to be paid for according to the rules and regulations of the system, that do not consider the value of expression as life itself, but as a monetary value that we are all bound to in this current economic system.

 

When and as I see myself not doing things the best possible way that I see and realize I am capable of, due to how I am valuing the materials as ‘cheap’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the materials and the price of it is but a social convention to believe that there is something ‘more’ or ‘less than’ according to the price they are sold with, which is how I have been an elitist in my own ‘doings’ wherein: If I am dealing with cheap materials = I have not put enough effort to do things properly and well, but equate my application to the value of the ‘cheap materials,’ with a sense of ‘not really giving a fuck’ because ‘it’s not expensive’ – and doing the opposite wherein: if I am dealing with expensive materials = I make sure I take care of each bit of material, I am the most careful person toward it in fear of losing money as in squandering such material, which is how everything that I do becomes an extension of wasting/ saving money itself, wherein the actual point of expression that should be constant and consistent regardless of ‘prices’ is compromised to the monetary values I add to and regard as ‘important’ within my reality.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately careless and doing things ‘half-assed’ or in a ‘messy way,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is actually a way to not have to push myself to expand my abilities and step out of my mind-frame of limitations and instead, challenge myself to do things the best way that I am aware I can be and direct myself to become if walking a point breath by breath in consideration of whatever I am doing really being an expression of who and what I realize I am, wherein I no longer accept myself to create out of just seeking an experience or wanting to continue defining myself as careless or a wreck in my creations, but in fact take a moment to see who I am in that moment of expression within any activity in my world, and making a decision of what and who I want to be in that moment considering what is best for all – and then act accordingly. With this I ensure that I do not sabotage myself to think that it’s ‘okay’ to do things half way and ‘more or less alright,’ instead of realizing that I am determining myself and the entirety of who I am in each moment in every action and decision I take, wherein allowing me to walk the ‘half path’ is in fact spiting myself and sabotaging my ability to challenge myself and walk in self-directive way wherein what is best for all as myself is directed in common sense as that which I want to be and become as self-perfection that is able to be walked with enough patience and consistency in application, as all mastery is in fact able to be achieved if practical application, self-determination and consistency is placed as a constant application within myself in everything that I do, no matter ‘what’ I do.

 

When and as I see myself using money as an excuse to not do things properly as in having ‘no quality material to work with’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am mimicking the hierarchical system wherein materials are not just ‘matter’ from the Earth but are valued according to a price tag that I am using as an excuse to not do things properly because of believing that the worth of material as the money that they represent is ‘not much’ hence I can equally ‘not give much/ not do much’ instead of giving all my attention, focus and dedication to use whatever means I have to create, to express and to work with, without assessing my own effort in relation to the ‘quality’ of the materials as the amount of money they represent, which is mimicking the world-system of money as my own application. I instead equalize my application regardless of how much money the materials cost – expensive or cheap – and commit myself to express, do and use what is here in the best possible way to ensure that no matter what I use, where I am, how much money I spend on myself, I stop defining ‘who I am’ in relation to money as a value over myself as life.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am ‘not following my dreams’ and I am ‘missing out on life’ as the dreams of wanting to be a writer, painter, musician or anything else related to arts – I stop and I breathe – I realize that such careers were based upon my decision and desire to ‘step out of/ escape’ the system due to and because of not wanting to take responsibility for myself and this world, but instead rather trying to and attempting to make money out of ‘escaping the system’ through dedicating myself to art, without realizing that I can in fact prepare myself to take on a position in the world system wherein I can support myself and others to establish a new world system based on life in equality, wherein ‘my dreams’ of creative-processes can wait to be walked and expressed once that money is no longer a problem and an obstacle for expression, not only for myself but for everyone that I see and realize are equally affected by money being a limitation to an actual self-expression through/ as art.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to isolate myself resorting into music, painting, reading only and not interacting with anyone in my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that in such moments I am in fact seeking to ‘escape myself’ and entertain myself to not do and face and walk what I have to do, walk and direct as self-support. Therefore I direct myself in such moments to allow myself to check the starting point of such desire to ensure that I do not use such ‘fleeting desire’ as a way to stop being self directive and ‘fly away’ – but instead simply realize that I can give myself a moment to express and draw/ paint/ read or listen to music without it becoming an absolute ‘escapism mechanism’ as a repeated pattern in my everyday living.

 

When and as I see myself still desiring the experience of ‘being an artist’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that everything that I sought was to be and become like people on TV and the media that are ‘artists’ and apparently have a great life that is only possible do to Money being the main factor linked to this ‘happiness’ and ‘fulfillment’ ideal of ‘living’- when in fact none of it is actually physically real as an expression of life but is the abuse of life made business as role-models that represent’ the ‘ultimate happiness’ as having lots of money which I have linked to ‘being an artist = having money’ as the ultimate freedom from the system, while feeding From the system itself, which was my initial ‘target’ in my career: being in the system but not ‘of the system’ apparently, without realizing I was consuming the exact same desire of success just like everyone else in this world.

 

When and as I see myself using the example of an artist’s life to compare my own life and experience to theirs and validate my ‘career choice,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only using another’s personality design to validate and excuse my own self-created personality design to maintain myself within such limitation while using ‘famous artists’ as an example to follow as ‘who I wanted to be,’ which is all based on desires for money, fame and personal-glorification as the ultimate self interest wherein life in equality is not part of the equation at all. Thus I realize that fueling self-definitions is the way that the system has ensured its own continuity, instilling the same desires and dreams within people through advertising itself as media/ entertainment/ arts / culture as everything is linked to the same monetary system, which implies that no ‘choice’ in life is really based on self-understanding of life in equality and promoting a new way of living, but they are all linked to preserving and perpetuating the same world system of money as inequality.

 

When and as I see myself correlating my life and what I do as ‘signs’ that I should be and become an artist I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am reacting to my own associations and networks of comparison from me toward other ‘famous people’ that I believed I was ‘similar to’ in how I would ‘see the world,’ and this feeding my own desire to be special and unique as ‘an artist,’ which is just another personality design within the system that in no way considers being or becoming a human being that stands for life in an actual position wherein this can be created and manifested, but instead only made it into an elusive ideal and ‘dream’ like thing to use as theme and topic of art works, but not considering the practical steps to create such change in this world, which is how I now direct myself to see where I am the most effective to become part of the actual process of creating and installing a change in this world to life in Equality.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I have a ‘mission in life’ and a ‘specific purpose’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am using this aura of ‘specialness’ and desire to be ‘unique’ as in believing that I have this ‘special purpose in life’ linked to my career and ‘what I will be doing’ in this world, which is in no way something special, unique or ‘god given,’ but instead is and will be a process of taking the necessary informed decisions as to where I can be the most effective within the process that we are walking as the implementation of life in Equality and Oneness and How I can practically assist and support myself to walk the process to place myself in such position as I realize that nothing is like ‘a dream’ that I can just jump into and see ‘where it goes,’ but that I have to now take and make decisions wherein I practically look at the necessary steps to take to get to the position that I see I am required to be and take on in my world, in accordance to the support and implementation required to establish the Equal Money System as a living solution for all beings on Earth wherein expression in itself will stop being just another commodity and asset in itself, only possible for those that can afford it, which is how this process of self-equalization is priority for all before we can start discovering what Self-Expression actually means.

 

When and as I see myself admiring other’s expressions as art and desiring to be doing the same – I stop and I breathe – I bring myself back to earth to realize that the priority in my world and within this process that I am walking is not art creation but establishing a world that is best for all as Life, which is a process of educating ourselves to stand in positions wherein we can practically implement a new system that supports life – in this I commit myself to direct myself to play my part within the equation and realizing that no matter what I decide to do, I will give it all of myself within the realization that no ‘artwork’ can be an actual living expression of self as long as such artwork or artistic activity is still linked to and defined by the current monetary system.

 

I realize that my desire to paint and create stemmed more from a point of abdicating self-responsibility and following my dreams as entertainment rather than an actual process of placing myself in a position of support to change the world and support myself to stand as such change, which were points and aspects that I in no way considered when delving myself into the art world, and in fact doing the exact opposite. Thus, I see that I brainwashed myself to make my ‘dreams’ and desires of escapism as ‘acceptable’ in order to not have to face myself, which is how and why the decision I’ve made to not follow through fully within the art-career as a living-process is in the best interest of all and myself to learn what it is to walk the world system in fact – and not only continuing my own desires of self-interest and personal self-glorification, which doesn’t meant that I will ‘stop creating absolutely,’ but just not following through with it as an actual career that I can make money of, as I see there are points that require immediate support and assistance beginning with my own training and understanding of this world and reality, to walk the points as myself and be the example of what is required to be done as this process to actually change the world into a system that is best for all.

This will continue….

 

“I commit myself to Restore Real Spirituality to Earth as the SPIRIT as Life as Equal as What is Best for Each One.

I commit myself to Set Life Free from the Drive for Profit so that Each Life can Live Life to the Best, in the Time Given to Each One.” Bernard Poolman*

 

Marlenoise_1

Marlenoise (2003) Always with headphones on lol

 

Walk through the gallery with the works I made with those ‘cheap watercolors and recycled paper’ among other drawings here

MarlenLife’s album / 2003

 

 

Blogs:

*Day 72: Is Profit Driving the Spirit?

Love is to Accept Each-Other’s Evil: DAY 72

 

Vlogs:

2010 FREEDOM of Expression is NOT Existent

2011 Art in Equality: Be your own Work of Art

2012 Existential Woes: Stop and Know Yourself

 

 

Must Hear Interviews on YouTube by Sunette Spies:


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