Or how to stop projecting oneself in the past or into the future and instead walk out of that alternate reality into owning one’s physical reality
I watched Gian’s latest vlog on a particular process he walked where it is quite astounding how something that has been generally ‘common’ in our lives can cause such physical consequences and how he was able to also heal himself from it by living out an immediate process of self-correction.
I could relate a lot to what he shared in relation to the cause of his condition, which is about not living fully in the present but ‘walking in the past’ and so in his mind constantly going back to ‘the past’ and also projecting into the future and living in alternate realities recharging the emotional aspects held within such past moments, instead of fully embracing and accepting the reality that is here for him to live and ‘own’ in a way.
I can relate having done this many times, possibly not in the emotional way he described, but certainly in the sense of giving my breath and my presence into the mind entertaining images or ‘flashbacks’ and going into a ‘pondering’ mode of ‘what if I was there instead’? This would happen in places I had settled myself in for a ‘limited time’ or being generally ‘uncertain’ of my future there, I would constantly have flashbacks of what I had defined in my mind as a ‘preferred’ place to be at, and this would be a constant experience going on in my mind, where I wasn’t fully embracing, accepting, standing fully on my ground, my reality, my environment, the people around me but still I was indulging into the myriad of possibilities I could create in my mind like ‘who would I be with right now if I had not chosen to come here?’ ‘What would I be studying if I had not left to study here?’ and all of this would constantly come up during the most practical and physical moments in my reality, a distraction of sorts that I would give attention to unfortunately.
I never really questioned this in the sense of saying to myself ‘Ok wait a minute, why am I constantly ‘dreaming of’ being somewhere else and projecting myself as in ‘who I would be’ if I was with other people, in a different place and situation than the one I currently am in?’ – I didn’t do that, and the reality is that I am not aware if I have had any physical consequence out of participating in this kind of ‘looking into the past and into the future’ instead of embracing my reality completely here. This was though some 7-8 years ago mostly – however, it has appeared lately again, wherein out of ‘nowhere’ I start having these flashbacks and considerations about a city that I left precisely because of finding it not supportive for me to live in – so, isn’t that contradictory?
At the same time I’ve noticed how in a very ingrained manner I have spent the past almost 7 years now in a way sort of perceiving my current situation as ‘temporary’, as if there’s something that’s going to happen and I won’t be here anymore, I have been in ‘waiting mode’ for many years now and I have caused to myself a point of stagnation at the same time, because I haven’t directed myself to ‘build roots’ so to speak, because of having this ‘plan’ in the back of my head of this being ‘a temporary place’ and me not going to stay here forever.
However, the point here is that instead of hoping or projecting myself somewhere else or living in a ‘waiting mode’ all the time, I have to make a directive decision about where I would like to establish myself and look at the potential and possibilities, practicality aspects and live out that decision. This is a very ‘deep’ aspect though because I have lived mostly in a ‘normal way’ all of this time yet, I am also aware that I haven’t really settled where I am at, and the point that prevents it is the idea of ‘why building roots here if I won’t be here forever’?
That is quite a detrimental aspect of myself and I’m glad I got to see it clearly thanks to Gian’s sharing, because in a way I have been living with ‘one foot out of the door’ while the other half of myself has been living out ‘normally’ and ‘embracing’ my reality at a very superficial level, while there’s this constant background experience of ‘this is temporary’ and in doing so, I am not fully embracing and living my reality here – but instead living it as a form of ‘temporary step’ even almost in a ‘resignation’ mode as if I had no ability to choose or make directive decisions for my life.
In this, I don’t only have to consider what I would like but what is possible, feasible, doable and then direct myself to do it. But I do see how in any case, what I allow inside my mind as a retrospection or future projection in moments where I am supposed to be Here in my physical reality, completely in it/as it and walking through it, I have been indulging too much into ‘what was’ or ‘could have been’ or the ‘potential outcomes’ and in this, I am not living myself, I am living in alternate dimensions in my mind.
I enjoyed how Gian explained the solutions to this point that he walked where he decided to be in every space he’s at and ‘own’ it in a way, completely embracing and accepting the fact that he is ‘here’ in a particular environment, and making of his responsibilities ‘his’ completely, not ‘temporary’ or ‘in the meantime’ – he stopped living in the ‘waiting’ mode as I would call it and completely embraced the reality he was in.
Interestingly enough, I consider I haven’t yet fully lived that and it is one of those things I have to create, define and establish for myself. But the trick here for myself is to not go into expectation mode of ‘finding the place, the situation, the environment’ and so ‘waiting’ for it to somehow come into my life – nope.
The point is to let go of these past and future projections and instead completely embrace my present moment, my reality in living words that I can integrate as my self-presence, who I decide to be and live – instead of the ‘mind presence’ of past and future tense –remaining aware of whenever I am diving into a ‘thought’ of the past and ‘what once was’ or indulging into a remembrance of ‘how my life used to be’ to instead become aware that I am in fact repeating myself in the past and in that, I am not living Here, I am not growing here, I am not completely embracing my current reality and owning it, standing in it completely, not having ‘other places or other people’ in my mind. I have to focus on being truly here, breath by breath, moment by moment and at the same time being directive in who I am and what I do.
That’s what I’ll practice and work on in order to walk my present, walk my ‘hereness’ so to speak and see how this will also support myself to not be in a ‘temporary-here’ mode, otherwise I could end up ‘living’ out the rest of my life in this ‘waiting mode’ or ‘temporary-here’ mode and miss out the actual process of self-creation and expansion.
If I am to make decisive changes, it’s up to me – and if I am not yet making them, then I have to embrace where I’m at currently and live the day to the best of my ability, owning my environment – not ‘for tomorrow,’ not going into ‘the past’ either, but fully embracing my life, my responsibilities, my self-creation here, no matter ‘where’ I am, I’m always here, in the physical, today – not yesterday, not in a tomorrow.
Thanks for reading.
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