Tag Archives: living physical being

380. Conditioned by Memories

to react with emotions upon receiving bad news.

Dreams are a cool place where we can still face points that might not be in our reality any longer, but that we can still test out ‘where we stand’ in relation to certain people, situations, events and so this is also within the understanding that no matter in which conditions we create the situation – either real life or dreams or else – process remains the same in one’s application, essentially in all dimensions of self.

Last night I had a dream about someone – one of the few people – I had come to consider as a ‘friend’ in high school who has been the one person I’ve met with after all these years and grew ‘fond’ of for the time we were together in school, and certainly in my mind he has remained as the ‘only one person I could care about of all those people’ as a point of separation.

In my dream, he would tell me that he had cancer and was extremely sad and the moment that he hugged me, IN MY MIND in the dream is as if I was THINKING that I should feel sad about it, that I should ‘show some emotion’ on it, that I could maybe go to the past, and bring up the nice experiences I used to have with him and so place them into context to this moment of him telling me these ‘bad news’ and now feel bad/sad about it, but it was very interesting how there was nothing, zero experience within me other than the belief that maybe I should become sad so that he knows ‘I care’ but really, that’s essentially what we have been conditioned to think.

In my dream it was very interesting how at the mind/intention level there was still this inkling of idea that ‘I must show emotion to let him know I care’ but physically I could not experience anything in the dream, nothing else but the physical embrace and being with the person that moment, even if he was decidedly sad and in tears about it.



So, why do I share this? Because since the beginning of my process, one of the first points I complained about ‘having to stop my mind’ as I had understood it at the beginning, was “Well, what the hell am I going to become without my emotions and feelings, a Robot!?? Is that what you want me to be!!??” and I was quite well under a storm in my own glass of water about it, only later realizing that such tantrum was actually performed by me as the mind, and not me as the point of self-awareness that realizes that: we are not our emotions and feelings, we are physical beings and as such, we direct ourselves in practicality and common sense.

One would then say “Well, so if you don’t become sad or show emotion to demonstrate you ‘care’ about someone, how do you do it?’ – And so I realized in the dream that the point of stability, who I was in that moment of getting the news and seeing the person cry, be the point of stability, being there as breath as there is nothing else I was able to do – my tears or emotion would do nothing to fix the problem and so, it is the same when any other circumstances come our way where we cannot physically do anything to fix/solve the problem, the most we can do is stand as the breathing pillar of support, being there for the person/being in distress whenever one can, and support with anything we are able to support with in self-honesty: meaning not trying to ‘save’ the person, but understanding also the ‘greater picture’ of how consequences manifest.

So, I found it fascinating how the ghostly mind whispers would be like a sensation of ‘I require to become emotional, I need to FEEL something right now, come on!’ lol, almost like if I didn’t feel anything then I would be a ‘dead’ person or ‘bad’ and kind of try and create the emotion in the moment out of memories and so forth… but it didn’t work, so I simply embraced the physicality of being here, with the person, breathing and not having to feel or become emotional about it, but only reiterate my support with anything I could contribute with.


However, I do see there’s more to it within questioning why the hell was it that one person in my world that I dreamed of, what was the particular relationship set up? How did he become ‘special’ in terms of my past and relationships? And that’s what I’ll begin looking at here:


Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the idea of who A is as ‘someone special from school’ which has caused me to then in the dream bring up the idea of himself as this ‘special person getting sick’ so that in my mind, I could have a ‘reason’ to become sad because apparently ‘he’s a special person to me,’ without realizing that in keeping him as a memory of all the ‘good times’ and the ability to communicate that we had, I had created a ‘good/positive’ experience toward him, as someone that I ‘specially care for’ and in this, still existing as the perception that I created over time about him, which separates him from the rest of the people and myself as being one and equal, because in equality, there can be no special bonds, or special friendships or relationships that we ponder above others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at some level in my dream, attempt to lure myself into ‘becoming emotional’ because that’s what apparently he deserved after having been a ‘special person/friend’ in my life, and so believing that ‘I should demonstrate my ‘care’ for him by becoming sad or cry and be emotional about his condition,’ without realizing that it is precisely this type of self-manipulation wherein we give into the mind just because of accepting the conditioning of ‘how we have to behave when we get ‘bad news’ or when something ‘bad’/unfortunate happens to another, without realizing that this is the same form of trap that we create in terms of relationships, and caring MORE for one individual or a few individuals than the rest of the world.

I see and realize that if I was to become sad about ‘bad things happening to others’, I would be sad all day long since this world is nothing but a consequential chain reaction of unfortunate events, and manifested consequences that lead to suffering and pain, and nothing will change unless we first understand how we create our own sickness, our own misfortune, how we contribute to the pain and abuse in this world by us precisely giving into the mind, which does Nothing to solve the problem but further compound the problem, since in the mind, working with energy: there is no solution at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the dream want to ‘reason’ his cancer sickness trying to grab memories of ‘who he is’ and how I had believed him to be very ‘conceited’ at first and how i had in fact gone form hate to ‘love’ with this person, and how I tried to ‘make sense’ of his sickness due to the manifested consequences of the time when I had defined that he was an ‘a-hole.’

I realize that what I created in my dream was exactly what I have been witnessing around me when it comes to seeing people with certain power or certain air of grandeur being humbled by loss, suffering, pain, sickness and so forth and so in my dream reasoning that this is why he had ‘cancer’ and trying to ‘make sense’ of the problem by all the judgments that I in fact created toward him at the very beginning of getting to know him, which later on turned into the exact opposite and so, in the dream I am being shown how I had created the pattern of ‘from hate to love’ toward another, love as the appreciation of someone, of ‘specialness’ and ‘care’ without realizing that it had been a mechanism of the mind to be able to actually ‘cope’ with the person and be better as ‘friends’ than ‘enemies’ lol, which is kind of interesting then, because I realize that I had also many times wished him to ‘go f… himself’ and so when seeing that point of vulnerability and seeing that he was no longer the ‘almighty person’ I had perceived him to be, that he was ‘at last’ being ‘grounded by consequence,’ without realizing that I created and generated all of this situation in the mind to realize that the ‘hold’ that I had kept toward this particular person is existent because I wanted to hold on to this ‘special relationship’ that we had as friends and colleagues mostly, and so giving it value within ‘who I am’ and ‘what I came to be for him and what he came to be for me’ as this ‘great lesson’ of how we could talk through our initial rivalry and antagonism and get to be ‘good friends.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to these ideas, perceptions, memories of people in my past as something ‘great’ and holding on to the positivity of it, because of believing that I/we had done a ‘great job’ to ‘teach others how to go from hate to love/appreciation’ which I see that it remained as this ‘special relationship’ due to the actual struggle that it represented at first with him, in this

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge A extensively at the very beginning of knowing him for the amount of money that he had, considering him as arrogant and an asshole all the way, which is why within this judgment I would usually confront him and deliberately want to ‘prove him wrong’ which would lead us to this ‘enemy relationship’ that later on due to my own deliberate explanation to our teachers how ‘I could not stand him,’ lol, he remained in the same class as I did for the rest of the 3 years of high school, which is funny and I’m grateful how teachers asked me about this point because I had difficulty relating myself to people, and so they knew that this guy ‘A’ was one of the main problems and so, they deliberately kept us in the same class, until we started becoming ‘friends’ once that we were able to communicate about topics that others would not usually engage in.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘good experience’ while ‘remembering the time when I became friends with A’ because in the mind it was the turnover from the absolute ‘hate’ or disdain that I had formed toward him, to the positive as the ‘nice experience’ it became to be friends with him and to have someone to talk to about stuff I ‘cared’ for, and so, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a ‘good memory’ with ‘positive experiences’ about the relationships I’ve formed with people that I considered as a ‘challenge,’ without realizing that such ‘challenge’ implies that i had first seen the person within the scope of ‘negative experience toward them’ which is how I created them as a ‘challenge to deal with’ and so when being able to establish a relationship with them, they stopped being ‘a challenge’ and instead became the normalcy of ‘good experience’ toward him for ‘having achieved the ‘good from the bad’ – all the polarity design implied at a mind-energetic level of having first defined ‘A’ as a ‘bad person’ as a negative point in my reality, and then turning that ‘negative point’ into a positive point, which later on became like a ‘trophy’ that I would want to hold on to, as in having ‘conquered’ that ‘a-hole’ and turned him into a ‘better person’ which is quite the pattern I have repeated throughout my life in terms of my relationships – in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the memories of how I perceive and believe that ‘I changed people to become a better person’ not realizing that all that I did, was changing the ‘charge’ that I had judged them initially with – which in all cases remains a judgment, an assessment in the mind – and so in fact I did Not change the individual, they did it for themselves, and it’s up to each individual to then assess the starting point of their change.

I realize that in interactions and relationships, I would tend to want to always ‘change’ the person and want them to become ‘better’ within what I had defined as ‘better’ and so believing that ‘I had something to do with their change of behavior from ‘bad/negative person’ to ‘good person’ which is only the idea and belief that I have wanted to hold on to within myself to create the idea that ‘I was a positive influence in the lives of others.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to and believe that ‘I have been a positive influence in the lives of others’ and make myself be the ‘good person’ of the tale that ‘changes lives’ without realizing that this is merely then who I have been in terms of ego wanting to change people, want them to become a ‘better person’ but for this point of self-interest when it comes to getting ‘challenges’ or ‘difficult people to deal with’ in order to prove that ‘I can get around anything or anyone’ and believe I have this ‘ability’ or ‘skill’ to make things change, not realizing that at that point in the past, it was me also changing myself, wanting to fit into those relationships, changing my behavior to ‘be around’ those people for the ‘convenience’ I believed they represented, and so created and remained with this idea of ‘fondness’ toward others, without realizing how I had come to create such ‘specialness’ over such individual in the first place, and so understand why it was that particular person coming with the sickness in the dream.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever add credit or value to myself for having been able to ‘deal with – who I perceived – were ‘difficult people’ and getting them to ‘get along with me’ for the sake of proving that ‘I could deal with them and change them’ without realizing that I in fact cannot change anyone, I cannot directly prove that I have influenced anyone, nor do I have to prove such things as only who I am as ego would want to gauge the ‘results’ to see whether I was able to ‘change someone’ or not, and that’s obviously not the point of our relationships or interactions in terms of ‘change.’

I realize that I can only stand as an example of support, of stability, of realizations that I have come through my own process of self-change and in this, I realize that wanting to hold on to this idea of ‘having changed others’ and then creating this special bond with them due to ‘having seen them change from negative to positive’ is nothing else but a trait in the mind to remain in separation from the person themselves, and realizing that in terms of the dream, the positive feeling that i wanted to initially create toward him was not real as it always had been created in the mind as the result of the hate-to-love relationship we created, wherein now in the mind when seeing such ‘special person’ being sick, I was ‘supposed to feel bad’ but only based on ‘uploading’ all of the past and memories with him as ‘positive’ to then have a reason to ‘feel bad/sad’ about his situation based on my own reaction to my own memories.


Self Commitments:

So, I commit myself to remain in stability and breath at all times and not ‘give head’ to the whispers in the mind about ‘me having to become emotional’ about a situation in order to ‘show I care,’ as I realize that this is how we trap each other in special bonds and feelings, and memories, and patterns based on memories of the past, of who the person was, who we were to them and so cage each other in the same patterns again.

I commit myself to remain standing in stability no matter how I may have even the slightest doubt in terms of my stability and believe that ‘I should show some emotion’ because I realize that emotions is not who I decide to be in such moments, but instead remain physically, breathing in stability, grounded and directive, so as to also be able to be the example of how remaining in stability is the best point of support instead of giving into emotions that lead to no solution.

I commit myself to view A as any other person and let go of this ‘special relationship’ which involves the whole pattern of ‘hate-to-love’ and me apparently having influenced who I had defined as a ‘difficult person’ to change, without realizing that this is only assumptions that I made myself believe in to feel ‘good’ about it all and cherish this relationship as special.

Now in this, it doesn’t mean that I have to now completely ‘forget’ about the person or whatnot, but simply be very aware of how I ‘remember’ them, whether any reactions come up when having the thought of him in my mind as this will be supportive to then see what else comes up, and why I have held such ‘special niche’ to him in my mind, separated from everyone else – which I now see is mostly due to this from hate-to-love relationship that I gave ‘value’ to, due to the ‘challenge’ it represented in my mind.

I commit myself to let go of all the judgments I have held toward A based on his past, our relationship and who I believe him to be, and in this realize that I can only trust the physical, the actions lived and the moment that is here whenever we get to meet again

I commit myself to no longer feel the ‘need’ to ‘act out some emotions’ according to defining people as ‘special’ in my world and as such creating ‘feelings’ about them because of them being considered as ‘special’ which I realize is not at all who they really are, as who we are is one and equal and so, we stand as one and equal breathing, directive, stable – since only emotions and feelings emerge when we act based on memories.


I trust myself in and as physical stability at all times, as I realize that becoming emotional is of the mind and so, I commit myself to being here,  breathing and self directive at all times – no special strings attached.




To stop being a past-based memory robot and live here:


Interview on Dreams:

The Meanings in Dreams – Life Review


Today’s the 6th anniversary of having found Desteni and as such, of the beginning of changing my life for the best, for all.

Desteni Process – New World – 30/January/2008


Join us!

Personality Costs Money

If we take a single phase in our lives and we write out ‘what we were all about’ we’ll  inevitably see how such phase or personality as the character played out in that scene had a series of  items linked to them – this makes us look at the most evident factor within our current capitalist system: the entire idea of individuality as the character-creation experience has been impulsed for one single purpose: ‘buy your own style, buy your individuality, stand out and be original = just do it, be yourself, be free’ and all the rest of mottos we continuously see in all types of adds from gadgets, clothes, beverages, shoes, alcohol, you name it – 

Hence we’ve been ‘educated’ and ‘supported’ to become a certain type of personality as a requirement within the system to have a ‘space’ and a ‘place in the game’ because of: Money – yes.  That’s what’s behind everything that creates and defines a certain character and it’s plain to see this when we place this point into perspective and see how a human being that is barely making a living has no time, no money and no space in their mind to be thinking ‘what to wear’ or ‘how to become more outrageous and original’ – this might be laughable yet we can only laugh back at ourselves when realizing the extent of self-delusions that we’ve fed as blatant obedient followers of what culture dicktates us to be and do – 


All roles, all aspects that we take as ‘who we are’ within the social system requires money to buy that which creates the entire personality-suit in the matrix which is how people will see you, how you will be identified hence we’re taught that this is how we will obtain our self-worth and value, that’s how we end up investing a lot in this character-building process which will apparently create a safe-spot for us in the system – wherever it is that you want to be within it including the rejected-aspect of it as all polarities complement each other.

Letting go of these personality traits and characteristics in the literal meaning of the word  is not a point of sacrifice – even if I thought so at the very beginning of this process – it actually was something rather comfortable to do.

Past Self Image and it’s creation

8 silver rings on my fingers,  buy the most ‘unique’ and ‘original’ clothes I could afford which were mostly skirts and all types of tshirts that could match a certain color chart that I had chosen as ‘my colors’, buy all types of bracelets, earrings, necklaces, nail polish, weed – now this is talking about one single phase, the ‘colorful weedy phase’ , before I’d be focusing a lot in my hair on having this perfect bright black hair – no shit, I’d spent like an hour brushing it while reading under the sun so that I could have a perfect straight hair – this means I was burning my hair with the sun but anyways – lots of eye make up and yes indulging in all types of items that could match my then image  like painting my nails black having a collection of shoes that matched the style. So, even if I was apparently an ‘anti-image person’ I would indulge into the same aspect of image creation yet as a counter act,  so ‘my style’ was something I got to be proud of eventually due to the time and effort I had to go through to get to that ‘style’ that I apparently wanted to be. All bs really.

I must say that letting go of all of that personality fetishism has simplified my practical living 100%. Besides the no make up and no hair, no painting nails or wearing jewelry or having a stack of clothes that could define ‘who I am’ in any given day,  I’ve gotten to actually focus on clothes that are comfortable and mostly supportive, plain, simple. I realized how the outrageous pieces of clothing I bought were mostly to create an impact as ‘who I am’ as this artsy cookoo person that I was for some time, seeking to make an impact on others hence in essence becoming a walking image instead of being just another living being. Letting go of this ‘originality’ was quite a deal at the beginning, it was an actual process and only when actually letting it go and living within simplicity that we get to embrace that which we were initially resisting to let go of. The peak of this point was when I shaved my hair when I realized how much of ourselves was even defined by ‘our hair’ and all the products that went along with it.


Now, this is only on ‘what I would wear’ – but in terms of my room and the other items that created the entire image/ character/ personality, that’s another story. Buying cd’s, books, music magazines, antiques, art supplies and any other stuff for decorative purposes in my room became  yet another something to invest my tmie and money into. It’s plain to see that ‘who I am’ involved going out to seek that ‘something’ that I required to buy to continue expanding myself as this personality.

Within stopping the participation in such personality-shopping binges, my living expenses have reduced substantially and literally focusing on the necessary like buying food, paying services, some times a year buying clothes if necessary and personal toiletries. That’s about it – I might go to a concert  but that’s seldom now. The rest of the expenses on these outrageous items are gone. It’s funny because I still live with the stuff that I bought some 5 years ago and when I realize how I chose everything so specifically to suit an image, I can see how much I spent on this personality castle-building. And it worked obviously – that’s what allowed me to see how the system works in terms of creating relationships and a self-image that then would have a ‘place in space’, it worked really well in art school literally getting what I wanted and the recognition I sought for while being partially conscious about it. Then when the radical change came and even after when I came back from SA people kept wondering ‘where was Marlen’ because I looked like nothing they had ‘known’ – to me this was a cool indication, for them it was like ‘I’ was gone forever. Thank anu for that.


Now that I’m bald, that I mostly wear brown pants and black tshirts and wear boots lol it’s kind of not easy to ‘identify’ myself as part of a certain human group which is cool, I want to be then identified as part of the whole without any tags just because of how much I had spent money on that. An x person that isn’t an image, but an actual living physical being.

So, with all of this it’s plain to see how this system is based on feeding this point of ‘you must have a certain personality’ so extensively.


Let’s indulge into the social-tags on people. Imagine a geek must have the latest computer equipment and latest gadgets to be up to date with tech stuff. The academics and intellectuals spent a fuckload of money in books, in music, concerts, trips, nice wine and food for their friends to come over and delight themselves with. For sports people,  they require to have great equipment for whatever they require in their discipline, trainers, lots of time spent on actual training and buying the food that will satisfy their physical requirements not to mention the clothes and shoes necessary for that. Same with all the urban tribes as teenagers that spend heaps of money from hairstyling products to make up, to accessories, to clothes, shoes, bags that will match their presentation –

If we take all of these personalities from the matrix, the items produced and required would reduce dramatically as no one would then be requiring to buy ‘nail polish’ or expensive jewelry to fit in a certain social status, or ‘designer clothing’ or shoes that are foot-killers yet they lift up your bum if you’re a woman or look ‘spiffy’ if you are a man… I mean, we’ve become such walking jokes and we’ve all caged each other within this because we’ve accepted ourselves to be ‘what I see’ and within this, people seek each other and establish relationships based on this personality-matching schemes. It’s funny when you’re not able to be ‘identified’ as ‘something’ in particular – or they simply regard you as an ‘x’ so that’s cool – no definitions please, simplicity.

So that’s the final word here: simplicity, that’s what I’ve embraced as what I am within this point of personality wherein I do not require to look a ‘certain way’ to be ‘someone’ and buy something to keep ‘upgrading’ that personality. I’m just here, I use and wear what supports me and not me supporting an industry out of a preference.


That’s it.

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