Tag Archives: lonely

604. Breathe, Keep Calm AND Have a Plan

Or how to first sort out the emotional fears and reactions to unexpected natural disasters while developing a plan of action to know what to do in such cases.

This has been quite a literally shaky couple of weeks with the earthquakes we’ve gotten here in Mexico and I’ll share how I experienced both of them in a significantly different manner based on how I was able to support myself with the Desteni tools in order to understand my experience within the first one. So I’ll describe the first experience as ‘the problem’ so to speak where I got most conflicted about it and the second earthquake experience as the solution or the different outcome once that I was able to address all the points that emerged during ‘the problem’ experience in the first earthquake over a week ago.

There was an 8.1 earthquake on September 7th late at night and I had a hard time in it because it was the first time I was experiencing such a strong earthquake where I live and I had no plan of action compared to where I lived before. The immediate thing I did was grab my phone and start calling people… wrong choice all the way! of course lines paralyze and in that I wasn’t paying attention to acting in the moment to get out of the house or find a ‘safer spot’ to be in. My desire in that moment was to call someone to feel some comfort, some ‘company’, in fact wanting someone to kind of ‘know I’m alive and shit might hit the fan and I might die’ type of fear considering it was at night and I was alone, and it wasn’t going to be as fast to get out because all doors were very well locked and I had no ‘mind’ to think of getting the keys and opening, at all, because I paralyzed in my desires triggered by fears: fear of being alone, fearing of dying ultimately.

In that moment I felt that my legs were quivery and even if I didn’t feel ‘alarmed’ in my mind, my physical body just felt like a wet noodle that would not be able to move anyway further than being under the door frame, holding my phone and trying to call people, which didn’t work at all, leaving then a sensation of feeling alone/lonely and in those moments desiring to not be alone as in going into an emotional experience and thought of  ‘I don’t want to die alone’ or ‘I wish I could be hugging someone right now’ type of emotional pattern that I identified with my experience that came after it all happened. I also felt my upper legs just feeling really weak, which is interesting to cross reference how my sister had the exact same experience in it, which is just emotional fear manifested in the body.

Besides these emotional aspects, the momentary experience is also linked to me not having any plan of ‘what to do’ in those moments, because I had not at all taken the time to look at possible scenarios considering this is a highly active seismic area and it’s definitely common sensical to have a plan of action, which I had not taken the time to look at.

So, I sounded self forgiveness in those following days in order to see what were all the emotional bits that were in fact being the cause for my experience, such as how I felt alone/lonely, my desire for physical closeness with someone in those moments – which is in fact me recreating a previous experience of an earthquake where I felt comfort in hugging my sister as it was taking place, therefore this time feeling ‘without that comfort’ because ‘there was no one I could hug.’ Here for example some might say well it makes sense to prefer not being alone, sure, but here I also had to accept my current reality and in that self-forgive my own conditions of what would be ‘preferable’ to experience in those moments, because these are points I have no control on, and all I can do then is ensure I am not holding a memory onto myself as a source of reference which is in fact a memory that involves a lot of fear, anguish and false sense of comfort – all of these points I had to address within me through self-forgiveness in order to clearly see how I have conditioned myself to react in such emotional physical fear during earthquakes.

The ultimate fear behind it all was fear of death and fear of ‘dying alone’ specifically – which means  yes, having to self-forgive the fear of dying in an earthquake due to a collapse, then also self-forgiving some of the reactions I’ve learned from how family members react to earthquakes and so enable me to see how becoming emotional is not at all the way to face these situations, and instead realizing how I could transform all of those emotional reactions to instead having a clear plan of action as in ‘what to do’ in such situations.

I then wrote out – as in scripting myself, the same that we do with ‘writing corrective statements’ – where I described how as soon as I start feeling the tremor, I immediately go downstairs and out of the house – if there’s no more time to go out, then having some reasonable spots where to remain in such situations depending where I’m at in the house. In this what I did was ensure that my immediate response to an earthquake is to act, move, go as fast as I can downstairs and out of the house , having identified two different spots on the front and the back where I can be in.

This 8.1 earthquake is the strongest oscillatory one that I’ve felt, it was quite bad and yes I also felt powerless to do anything to stop it of course, which I then also had to make peace with in order to rather focus on what I can do, instead of being ‘waiting for it to stop’ and paralyze in the meantime.

Now, back to September 19th’s earthquake which was unfortunately trepidatory, it was a very different scenario, a radical change took place within me – lol, it sucks because I’ve been having these recurrent slight movements felt and just as I am typing I feel these slight movements, but as some people say, it’s simply a leftover from the previous experience so all I can do is reference my surroundings to see if something is really moving or not. Sometimes the aftershocks are quite common but lower in intensity, so in any case unless things shake in a more violent manner, I don’t have to necessarily ‘go out.’

So this time around of course it was a different scenario, there was broad daylight, I wasn’t alone, the door was open (we have to lock everything very well at night unfortunately since it is not a ‘safe’ country to leave doors open etc.) I was in the same spot as in the previous one, here at my desk, so I dropped everything, this time I didn’t stop to ‘take the cellphone’ or anything, just went outside as fast as I could and there was of course a ‘rush’ mode within me, but it wasn’t at all an experience of fear or paralyzing as in not being able to move or feeling emotional or physically weak as it happened in the previous one, and I was able to this time tell others to breathe and calm down while being quite stable within me, of course while checking if something could potentially fall over me.

The conclusion is that having sounded self forgiveness on all the emotional points and fears that emerged in that moment as I was experiencing the first quake, even in relation to past memories of earthquakes, really assisted with being able to clear the emotional reaction to this kind of unpredictable events and instead focus entirely on ensuring I take care of myself first: moving, acting, going into an actual ‘survival mode’ which in fact enables one to act quickly, move faster – which I had not experienced at all in the previous one where my focus went onto ‘others’ instead of focusing on myself first, and I found out it was because I was reacting emotionally to it rather than having a practical plan on what to do in those moments.

This time I was able to rather assist others that did go into a bit of a shock for it such as my mother, to whom I was able to assist in calming down as I was also calm and was able to share all of this that I’ve just written out, what I did to practically settle myself and how it had actually worked well for me, which was cool. I also assisted in the sense of doing something physical to settle ourselves out of seeing all the incoming information like baking a pie together so that she had something to focus on for a moment while her house had no power. So this is another way to yes be together in those moments and do something physical that ‘settles one down’ in the aftermath, because one usually is not hungry, only consuming as much info as one can and in that yeah a form of psychosis can ensue if one doesn’t remain grounded and settled in those moments. So, being creative is also a suggestion in how to face those moments.

I also then was able to visit some friends and yes, share our stories of how we spent the time during the earthquake but all in all have a moment together and find the time to relax a bit and comfort each other, share tips of what to do, etc. Because it is kind of silly to feel ‘alone’ as an emotional outcome during this kind of disasters when there is virtually no person that would not have experienced it at all and in that, it does become something we can all assist each other to walk through, which I did through keeping in contact with my friends in Mexico City as well and sharing my solutions and ways of looking at these events so as to possibly assist them as well in settling with it – and of course receiving that support back from them which I am grateful for.

In the previous earthquake I also had a harder time because of not being able to contact my parents, which I later on knew didn’t even feel it because they were on the road, and I then learned how the way to contact people is through apps like whatsapp because all regular cell lines get saturated in those moments. So, as the song goes ‘you live, you learn’ and take note of it to know ‘what to do’ next time.

In this I am quite fortunate because there were no real damages where I live, however I have been looking at what’s going on in Mexico City and that’s a different scenario, things are not at all easy there and yes, I’ve had to also stabilize myself and realize that I cannot go to certain places to try and help when I don’t have the ways or resources to directly do it, nor is it a good idea to just play savior when it’s not in my immediate environment.

I found this audio on ‘the savior complex’ quite supportive as a preparation for what I experienced – unknowingly so – this past Tuesday, and I recommend checking it out because I bet we can all relate to feeling sad, helpless, powerless to change certain things in our environment, and instead focus back on what I can do, how I can continue living and supporting myself and others in a way that is practical and available to me at the moment, so, have a listen to it because it assisted me in understanding the ‘bigger picture’ of things and within doing so, not perpetuate the emotional reactions to this kind of events.

Also in my case it is to let go of wanting things to just go ‘back to normal’ quickly, there are many halts in activities going on like schools and normal activities, which is understandable, I have to make peace with the fact that this is an event of heavy impact that does alter the ‘natural course’ of events, and that we will eventually see what is it that we can learn from these events as we go.

Sometimes we want to understand ‘why’ these things happen when it comes to natural events, but I’d been rather focusing on seeing how we can prepare ourselves beforehand and if we can’t, then how we can face these situations in a practical way, focusing on reality, what we see and is directly happening in our environment – instead of focusing on the inner-experience as memories, emotions, fears, future projections related to ‘the worst case scenario’ that clog our ability to act in the physical. For all of that clogging, there’s the self-writing, self-forgiveness and writing out a practical plan of action which was of great support to me.

Thanks for reading.  

What to do in earthquakes

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121. Childhood Anti-Social Behavior

The Control-freak as a little girl – A follow up to the previous posts on ‘The Loner’ Character

One of the first memories I can recall of wanting to be ‘left alone’ and essentially reacting in self-seclusion just to not have to play games with kids my age. I was probably like 4 or 5 years old when this would take place as I was not even able to speak entirely correctly, probably even 3 years old for that matter. And so, a memory is being at my house in a social reunion/ family reunion and fearing that my mother would call me to play with unknown kids my age. I simply would recoil with the single thought of having to play something with them – my mother told me how I would only like ‘playing’ if it was about dancing or singing, but I simply didn’t like ‘playing’ as that would involve being ‘too messy’ and dealing with ‘sharing my toys’ which is something that I would guard like a treasury officer.

So, I would in essence create a tantrum just to not have to play with kids, thrown a tantrum toward my mother for being ‘obliged’ to play with them – apparently- only to later on realize that I could actually have a cool time with them once I’d get past my defense mode. It was all merely me being a picky obnoxious person, snotty little girl really – lol – I’ve often said how I would not ‘bear my ass’ if I could face myself as a child, I was rather princess like wherein nothing could spoil my party and I’d cry if I wanted to. 

Here’s the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements wherein I take responsibility for a memory wherein I had victimized myself and blamed everyone else for my apparent inability to ‘interact’ with others, when in fact, I was simply defending my personal interests to evolve and remain as the ‘loner’ character in absolute control of myself and my environment – apparently – which is a subcharacter existent within ‘The Loner’ as a defense mechanism to not have to interact with others in Equality. 

 

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being pushed/ forced to interact with other kids when I was a child simply because they were my age, wherein I would get anxious and fearful of my mother forcing me/ asking me to ‘play with them,’ which I would fear because that would mean that if I didn’t play with them, I would be exposed with everyone about me not wanting to play with other kids – hence being judged as a hermit/ antisocial or plain spoiled kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mostly fear that my mother would want to ‘pair me up’ with another male kid in order for me to develop a sense of relationship toward the opposite sex, which is how I would perceive that every time my mother wanted me to interact with others, it was intended within the forced desire of me ‘making friends’ and or getting a ‘male friend’ in order for me to develop that sense of opposite sex interactions at a younger age.

I realize that this was in fact all in my mind and that’s why I created a fear to interact with others, simply because of being forced to establish relationships with them.

When and as I see myself fearing to interact with other beings based on spotting that they are ‘the same age as me’ in a social-event/ situation and fearing having to interact with, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am reacting based on memory instead of me simply being here in the moment, without assessing people as potential beings I’ll be ‘talking to’ due to being similar/ same-age, which is just part of how I conditioned myself to believe that ‘the world revolved around me’ and that I had to socialize with beings in order to be/ seem acceptable within a particular social context.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed and/or scolded for not wanting to socialize/ interact with other kids, wherein I feared that everyone would know that I simply had gone upstairs to my room so that I would not have to interact with other kids – thus I realize that I was mostly fearing being exposed to others about my real antisocial nature, which evolved when I believed that I had to interact with every kid in every social environment, otherwise I would be scolded or treated as a anti social being

When and as I see myself fearing to be judged as antisocial for not interacting with other beings, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can interact and open up communication in any given moment with anyone in such particular social interactions, as I see and realize that there is no need to define or limit myself to only talk to a particular type of people, nor do we require to have ‘things in common’ or be of the same age in order to communicate.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear of interacting with people/ kids that I do not ‘know of’ wherein I fear having someone pushing me to interact with them in a forceful manner and upon threats.

When and as I see myself fearing interacting with others based on having eventually being pushed by someone else to do so, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is not a ‘must do’ that I must always interact and speak with others in social events, however I can also allow myself to communicate openly if the opportunity does arrive to be able to communicate with another, wherein I allow myself to breathe and hear and talk back as a way to expand myself and walk past all limitations to not do so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety whenever I was expecting my mother to come and scold me for not socializing with people, which is how I developed an actual fear to face myself in social contexts such as family reunions/ parties wherein I felt that I had to socialize with other kids no matter what, and that if I would not manage to do so, I would be judged and scolded by my mother for that.

When and as I see myself becoming anxious, worried and fearful for not socializing with other beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this only comes from the idea of me not being as ‘sociable’ as others beings in my family that I have defined as sociable and charismatic, wherein the role that I played was that of not being ‘as sociable’ as my sisters or parents, which is just a pattern that I played out in order to keep my ‘little world’ intact’ – Thus I allow myself to talk, interact and communicate with others whenever I see myself simply wanting to communicate and express in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘my mother’ the ogre within the memory, without realizing that I am in fact only creating an antagonist to blame others for my own accepted and allowed self-creation and experience, which was primarily based in not wanting other kids to disrupt my ‘little perfect world’ of my toys, my room and as such, essentially fearing beings coming and spoiling my perfect surroundings in my room and as such simply not wanting to interact with them because of not wanting to share my toys/ stuff with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within my own memories to always have something or someone to blame instead of taking self responsibility for my own creation.

When and as I see myself trying to blame others for my own experiences of being antisocial and not wanting to share myself with others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘blaming’ is easier than taking self-responsibility for what I have become as a ‘less sociable person,’ thus I direct myself to take responsibility for myself to correct the patterns of being apparently ‘anti-social’ and fearing people spoiling my perfect little world, as I realize that this is in essence my own ‘possessive’ character wherein I want to reign and rule over what is mine, and not having it being disturbed by anything or anyone.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a child only enjoy activities with other kids that didn’t involve having to play with toys with others, but only sing or dance as a point of expression. I realize that I would enjoy that simply because I knew that I could be ‘the star’ of the game and others could simply do the same without having to fight over toys or ‘making a mess’ of a particular space.

I realize that I have enjoyed doing that which I am ‘good at’ which in this case was only dancing or singing, and any other game that involved having to work together with kids and interact in a more one on one bass, I simply disregarded and ignored because I did not want to have to share my stuff with others.

When and as I see myself disliking having someone in my ‘room’ or area wanting to interact and socialize and seeing myself watching their every step to ensure that they don’t spoil the place, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am wanting to control their every move in what I deem as ‘my territory’ wherein I essentially fear my stuff being messed up by others and within this, losing my perfect-order as part of my self-religion wherein everything is exactly and precisely ‘to the T’ always neat and ‘in its right place’ – Thus I direct myself to breathe through watching another’s move and remain here as the physical reality wherein I allow myself and another to interact without having backchat about desires to order and control another’s moves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and anxiety to my mother scolding me for not being sociable enough which I cannot even remember if it was really so as in my mind, I have made myself a victim of this entire situation when in fact, I was in fact a selfish-girl that didn’t really want to share her toys and herself with other kids, thus I realize that I have victimized myself in my mind as apparently not knowing ‘why I was so antisocial’ and so fearful of interacting with other kids, without realizing that I was in fact only protecting my own desires to control and have everything be intact and never spoiled or interrupted by other beings such as having other kids using my stuff and interacting with me in ‘my space.’

I realize that what I was in fact securing was only my desire to remain ‘at peace’ as in having everything intact without anyone spoiling my little perfect world.

When and as I see myself trying to victimize myself within an apparent inability to know ‘why’ I dislike interacting with other beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am accessing a defense mechanism wherein actual selfishness, desires to control and manipulate others to only behave the way that I want them to be and behave exist. Thus I allow myself to breathe through my interaction with another in ‘my space’ and realize that any attempt to control their moves is me acting out of the ‘loner’ character that doesn’t want anything to be spoiled in their space.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only keep the memories in my mind wherein I would only remember being scolded by my mother for not socializing with other kids, while in fact even my mother would fear suggesting me to play with others simply because of how irritable I was as a child wherein I would immediately deny any moment of interaction with others in order to remain secluded in my perfect little bubble.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to end up crying by my own self created friction toward playing/ interacting with others based on my desire to have everything ‘intact’ within my world, wherein the sole idea of having to share myself with another, share my toys and space meant a disturbance to my ‘perfect little bubble’ wherein anyone would mean a disruption to ‘my space,’ within this only having used a conflict toward another as in projecting blame and believing that I was being forced to socialize with others, when in fact I was only being pushed to walk through my own reluctant behavior to interact with others.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger, anxiety or any other fear whenever I see that I am in a situation wherein I am bound to share ‘my space’ with others, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to walk the moment of sharing my space, my stuff with others without reacting to their moves and actions within our common space as I see and realize that I cannot control or manipulate other’s actions to only suit my personal needs and ideas of how they are supposed to interact with me and in ‘my environment’ which is absolutely possessive and control-based stemming from the actual fear of ‘losing’ my space.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others’ judgments upon me not wanting to socialize with other kids, wherein I then add more anxiety and fear because of realizing that people will consider me as antisocial, which is something that I feared because I wanted to be liked and accepted by others – thus I realize that I created a fear of being judged by my own patterns and habits that I knew were not acceptable, yet I wanted to remain having this ‘halo’ around me while actually being rather selfish and wanting to control my environment.

When and as I see myself wanting to control people’s reactions I stop and I breathe, I realize that in this I want to be acceptable by others yet at the same time remain within my ‘safe bounds’ as limitations to keep and maintain my main character as ‘the loner’ in place, wherein anyone and anything that gets ‘too close’ to me or my environment I simply push away. Thus I direct myself to interact, share and expand myself in my environment with others to ensure that I am not protecting my main character in place and instead expand to share, talk, chat, interact in physicality with others, breathing through every moment wherein I see my mind wants to ‘jump out of the window,’ I support myself to remain here stable as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into crying due to my own desires to remain alone and have everything ‘under control’ in my reality which is how I remember talking myself into fear and anxiety out of having people now being aware of me not wanting to play with them, which is the same point of not wanting others to see me as anti-social or simply not wanting to be with them, as I still wanted to be seen with ‘good eyes’ by others, yet I knew that I was in fact really selfish because of not wanting to share myself with others.

When and as I see myself manipulating myself into creating a conflict out of having to interact with others or do something that apparently ‘disturbs’ my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only creating further conflict within my mind based on my own desires to remain ‘intact’ – thus I allow myself to remain here as breath whenever I have an opportunity to interact with others and allow myself to breathe through any reactions to stop doing so – I support myself to learn how to share myself in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about others’ reactions when they get to know that I didn’t want to play with them, which is just me creating further conflict upon my self-created limitation, thus I realize that whenever I ‘feel bad’ for doing something I end up making a decision to comply to do something but not as a self-directive action but actually once again out of fear of making them feel like I despised them, which I didn’t want obviously.

When and as I see myself doing something out of fearing another’s reactions upon my own actions of seclusion and introversion, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is unnecessary to create such a reactive loop if I simply allow myself to interact and be open to share ‘my space’ with others in any given moment without thinking that I don’t want them to touch this or that or just waiting for them to leave.

I support myself to stop the possessive character that I’ve live by and as when wanting to control my environment and other’s reactions upon my own imposition of ‘rules of conviviality’ wherein I would essentially restrict people from touching my stuff. I allow myself to break through my controller mind-possession demon and instead remain here as breath as I share my space not only with humans but with animals alike.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always focus on the restrictions and limitations as the immediate thoughts of ‘not wanting to work with others/ not wanting to play with others’ instead of actually realizing that this is just a mind-limitation to keep my main character as the ‘loner’ intact, wherein everything and everyone that is essentially an opportunity to debunk this pattern I see as a threat – thus I realize that it is a decision that I must make in order to see how I can in fact enjoy expressing and sharing myself with others once that I get past the initial habitual patterns of defense, control and self-limitations out of fears of having my little world ‘interrupted’ and ‘disturbed’ by the mere presence of others.

When and as I see myself denying to myself the ability to share a moment and interact with others, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to see how this is an actual opportunity for self expansion, communication and walking-through resistances to actually have a cool time while sharing and interacting with others in a moment, wherein I support myself to be here as breath moment by moment, not future projecting into wanting the moment to be over or them being ‘out of my sight’ again to remain alone, but instead actually allowing myself to enjoy the presence and ability to communicate and share myself with another/others in my reality.

 

I commit myself to stop playing out the control-freak as the subcharacter of the loner as the loner is alone because it doesn’t want any form of ‘disturbance’ around that can potentially break-through the controlling patterns – thus I see and realize how the control-freak is the key point as the main fear that I held in order to not have to interact with others, to not have my main character disrupted and threatened with a potential realization of actually enjoying being with beings and communicating, sharing, interacting in equality.

this will continue…

 

Alusiones

 

Blogs:

  1. Day 121: TRUE ACTIVIST VIVISECTION

 

Fascinating series to Hear and understand who we are and how we came to be in relation to the animal kingdom as well as learning about this fascinating animal, The Owl:


2012 Existential Anguish: Solved

Me Myself MarlenLife

 

Here I share about this photo that had no description or explanation when I first made it and uploaded it on December 22nd, 2011 – to me it just seemed like another ‘anguished representation’ of a general experience that I’ve had – and most certainly every human being has had – throughout my life, wherein this ‘existential anguish’ became something that I could not ‘pin point’ yet it was definitely Here as myself, not knowing why or what I could possibly be so ‘sad’ about. It wasn’t even sadness either, it wasn’t a depression either – This was ‘something else.’

 

When I was reading Sunette’s blog, and this specific quote  it all just clicked and this image that I had surreptitiously posted on Facebook as a way to share how I would experience myself at times wherein it’s not a personal anguish, because there was nothing ‘going on’ within my personal life – but a general/ existential anguish which would come through most of the art I have created – always depicting suffering and humanity in some form of massive enslavement – and I had no understanding within myself on why I was drawing this, why I had such a constant drive to draw the same type of themes, while getting a constant experience of being dismal about reality.

 

So, now understanding reality and all the latest interviews and Sunette’s blogs have allowed me to understand everything that I ever sought to understand and there’s a phrase that I’ve been having on a constant basis while reading, hearing, understanding who I am here: all makes sense now, and it’s a great relief as much as it is a great duty to be informed and essentially, preparing myself because I’ve never been so sure about something in my life. I cannot even recognize who the hell I was in the past, feeling lost and so afraid of the world and people – and this is not a magic-wand type of realization: it’s taken time and I’m sure that as time progress we can only go asserting ourselves more and more within this process.

 

Why is it a ‘weight off’ of my back to understand this? Because I could experience this constant friction and conflict within myself without a reason. I always got to read/ hear people’s stories that made sense as to why they would be depressed, or sad and generally self-destructive in their lives due to their contexts, but I always had a ‘good life’ and I simply got to believe that I was being just an attention seeker and spoiled brat trying to be a drama queen. But no, it wasn’t that either… it was definitely something beyond even a point of self manipulation as I mostly would keep it to myself, and actually play the ‘forte’ one with/ toward people that were ‘truly depressed’ by their self-created circumstances – yes, everything we have ever experienced has been Self-Created.

 

So – to me this is understanding more of myself, what I was expressing, which made me ‘excited’ and still a little jump on my chest comes up when I bring ‘here’ that moment when reading Sunette’s blog The Forward March to HELL: DAY 28  and it all just suddenly clicked as I had have a general concern about not knowing ‘why I paint that’ – It’s one of the ‘lost pieces in the puzzle’ that I had sought in books, spirituality, philosophy, people, personal heroes and only now it is all coming together so that I can finally stop my personal mysteries and focus on that which is actually relevant, which doesn’t have anything to do with seeking some great truth behind art – I’m done with that, this is about Self-Realization – Self-Creation as a physical being that essentially can continue living here, breathing, walking all relationships back to Self wherein no more separation as relationships exist.

 

The truth is that when I go stopping all past definitions as ‘who I was,’ I in fact remain and more ‘human’ than ever as a living flesh that is no longer torturing itself with mindful gaps that would occupy my mind on a constant basis at times in my past.

 

I am the one that is able to now ensure that I stop all forms of EXPERIENCE toward the separation that I’ve ‘felt’ as myself, as this world and coming along with the usual dreary experience when seeing people not caring about each other, people striving to make a living, people living and begging for money on the streets, animals being hit by their owners, children being hit by their parents, people fighting and cursing at each other for no reason, people competing against each other and never even questioning WHY we can’t just Be Life.

 

So – the death and destruction now makes sense to me as I see that I’ve done this all to myself and it’s in my hands to now stop it, walk my process of writing on a daily basis, applying Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application, so that all that I go realizing as the separation that I’ve become can finally be brought back to self, wherein I take Self-Responsibility to ensure that Life is never again dissociated from who we really are as physical beings.

 

I invite everyone reading these words to check out the afore mentioned blog and all of our blogs that are being pressed on a daily basis as the commitment that we as Destonians have taken on as Our Lives.

 

As far as art-creation, I’ll continue making it but I now can stop actually experiencing that as an energetic possession that was driving me mad – and instead, walk the points of separation as myself, as my own words and still be able to depict it in a picture/ drawing/ painting as the result of realizing how blind we have become and propose the solution that can be walked by All in the name of Life in Equality.

 

The World is Not going to end – the only thing that will end is our human negligence and disregard for each other which most certainly needs to meet its end in each and every one of ourselves.

Walk with us

Journey to Life

“Advantages of Blogging – it makes sure the disadvantages does not manifest as backchat/shame – but, seriously though – it’s cool seeing the days go as you walk – lol; and with continuing walking it’s like – man, I can’t turn back or stop now, because I know if I will, all that I have done this far will mean nothing, and will have to start again – so, you just keep on writin’/moving and becomes more natural each passing day” Sunette Spies

 

Self Forgiveness is the Key to STOP All our Existential Woes and actually Get back on Track to what must be done in order for us to finally be able to say: We are Here and we are ALIVE

Some other quotes I’ve taken from Sunette’s blogs that allowed me to understand more about myself:

Vlog:
2012 Existential Woes – Stop and Know Yourself

If you want to hear a very simplistic explanation of this process, get the following interview:

Reptilians – Where does Relationships come from – Part 40

 

HEAR Great Music made by Destonians

Earthonites-Jealousy

 

And a cool blog to walk the correction:

Day 2: Perfection Game
Glorifying the Devil as the Nature of God: Day 36
Day 36: Heaven on Earth

I recommend hearing the following interview to make sure you don’t miss out on your own life and only realize when it is too late.

Life Review – When Life turns its back on You


‘The Outcast’: self-imposed tag

I  have found and realize that I used to judge and dislike people that would place tags upon others – I didn’t realize that I was in fact doing exactly the same, no only within my secret mind toward others in an automated way, but toward myself as a ‘choice’ within the suit that I wore as a personality.

I read very interesting realizations on Bella’s blog Relationships as Limitation Bubbles & Fear as Self-Abuse which ties in with a point that I have also lived throughout my life and it was only last night that I realized how we have projected onto others our own acceptance, perceiving ourselves to be rejected or even fearing being rejected which can only exist if self-acceptance is not in place.

I remember my mother talking to me when I went through a ‘difficult time’ of facing being bullied in school and becoming very sad and worried about it, and she would say ‘don’t care about what others say, whatever they think and say to you is only about themselves,’ and this supported me for a while and made me ‘stronger’ in a way – however only as temporary fix because the origin of the point was not sorted out, which was self-acceptance. I was only 7 or 8 years old then, so this wasn’t even within my ‘frame of reference’ at the time.

 

When going into junior school/ secondary school, I began struggling with going into a bigger school and seeing how people had these different ‘groups’ that would not talk to each other. I came from a school wherein the last year of elementary school we were less than 10 in the class, and we would all talk to each other and hang out together. Thus going from this small group into a group of almost 40 -in a generation of 6 groups – certainly broadened my perspective of how people would behave in terms of ‘friends’ and having their particular ‘gangs’ so to speak. I would talk to most of the people in my class, however I still would avoid not talking to some that I had judged for whatever idea of myself I had as ‘not being compatible’ with them, mostly based on preferences/ personality and level of ‘intellect’ which was another point that I would use as a means of separation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from people based on how I could ‘get along with them’ or not in relation to ‘intellect’ and being able to relate to others within the starting point of identifying myself as a certain personality

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discriminate others based on the idea of ‘intellect’ and comparing myself to others and within that, deciding ‘who I would talk to’ in relation to how I would classify people in terms of them being ‘intelligent’ or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an intellectual elitist wherein I would avoid talking/ getting along with beings that I deemed as slower/ dumb without realizing that in that I had become my own personal-limit to get along with others in means of conviviality.

 

What I realized last night is how I had gone through a process of being ‘left out’ of a group of friends and went through the fear of having to spend recess time alone – which is something that petrified me at that time –  and how I eventually did the same ‘segregation process’ toward others. It’s fascinating to see how in my mind I was ‘the victim of those that didn’t accept me’ but in fact, I had done the exact same thing not only in school, but with people in my family and virtually with any person walking down the street that I would immediately profile and decide if I could ‘talk to that person’ or not, all based on my own preferences/ likes and ideas of myself. I had disregarded the fact that I was also doing the same that had been done onto me, yet I justified it with my self-belief of ‘not everyone being able to get along’ and having the ability to choose who to talk to or not.

 

We become our own dictators within our self-regime of who we like, who we judge, why we judge and vindicate all of that because of being a particular ‘personality,’ which in my case was also a perceived ‘odd one’ that found her place within such category, and eventually accepted by others within that same tag. And this was not only with ‘classmates’ -even though school was the main ‘realm’ I lived through within my life – but also toward family members or any other being that I would then decide I would like or dislike. I would be very judgmental and laconic, almost ‘rude’ when expressing with people that I had decided I would Not want to talk to for the reasons mentioned previously, and I can remember this experience as a ‘knowing’ that they simply wanted to communicate and talk – yet in my dictatorship they would not ‘fit in’ within the type of people I wanted to hang out with – so I would avoid replying or following a conversation with them. However, I wore the suit of ‘being the solitary one’ as a defense and excuse to actually be able to decide who do I talk to and who I don’t in terms of ‘closer relationships.’

 

It was interesting because I could talk to people, but when it came to having ‘close friendships’ I had none, not until high school with one person in my entire generation.I became judgmental and/ or ‘picky’ and created this idea of myself as ‘knowing better’ than them, eventually only ostracizing me to the point of spending my time alone, just having a ‘bad time’ every time that I was not in class until I eventually got used to it for the lack of a better experience.

 

The point with all of this is realizing how within my mind I was ‘rejected’ but in fact, I was the only one that had created such self-imposed rejection and separation through my own value schemes. I became very aware that the moment that I found ‘someone’ that I could ‘relate to’ based on how we profile relationships and types of people, I was extremely open and enthusiastic about talking and sharing, it was almost an immediate ‘friendship’ that I’m now aware was one of those necessary preprogrammed points in order for me to get into various experiences later on in my life.  However the point of recognition between both of us came through this self-ejected stance wherein we would believe ourselves to be ‘outcasts,’ yet we were the only ones that had ejected ourselves, simply because of being existing in an almost elitist way toward the rest of the people. And I’m sure that this  is how it works. Even the ‘outcasts’ had their group and would look at you weird if you dared to talk to them – lol I remember this and realized how weird it was that people that perceived themselves to be ‘rejected’ would actually reject another from approaching them. But I did the same so –  it has been the way we have ‘accepted’ social-relationships to function, which is quite fucked up to say the least.

 

So, high school to me was the time wherein I went from being quite an uncomfortable loner to a ‘loner’ that had been able to integrate and share and speak with everyone in my class. I would not ‘hang out with them,’ but I deliberately would talk to everyone. I realized that I had antagonized myself toward the ‘beautiful people’ and I actually learned quite a cool ‘lesson’ once that I opened up and communicated with them. It was funny because they had accepted me as this ‘rebel’ and I had accepted them as the ‘pretty people.’ One of those girls once told me something along the lines of ‘just because you perceive ourselves to care about how we look and are shallow doesn’t mean that we are stupid.’ I realized in that moment how I had in fact placed myself as ‘above them’ all the time and that they had just voiced out the backchat that I had held as ‘tag’ on them  and they knew, and they accepted that as a fact, and we would still talk in the classroom.

 

I have to bring up the point that this is a Jesuit school and there’s people with loads of money the same as people that do not have that much money and I was just in between.  Money would be a factor that decided ‘who’s who’ within school – however the education was based in us recognizing our ability to work together, communicate and not discriminate one another. That was a very cool aspect about it because it did support us to leave our ‘differences’ aside when it came to getting along, this made our conviviality a lot easier, even if being around 37 people in class.

 

I had a specific relationship that went from absolute hate to a very cool acceptance or even ‘school friendship’ with someone that dared to challenge my ‘self righteousness.’ He was part of the ‘rich people’ that I had judged as too ‘cocky’ and believing himself to be ‘more’ than the rest, which was the point that absolutely vexed me – never realized I was doing the exact same thing of course.

I’m actually grateful about the policies in that school. Somehow because I was a ‘good student’ and I had a history of being ‘isolated,’ our counselor called me to her office one day when we were about to finish the first year in high school and asked me ‘who do you want to be with in your next year’s class and who do you Don’t want to be with? So I only gave the name of one or two girls that I could work well and get along with in terms of school work – when I had to choose the person I did  Not want to be with, I chose this guy, stating that I could not stand his guts. From that moment on, I remained with those girls for all three years of high school, but also with the same guy, which was quite a cool move from our counselor even though I had expected to not see him again for the remainder of my stance in that school. This allowed me to face my fear of having to ‘deal with him’ in my class.

 

What happened is that because were deliberately placed in the same class, we worked out our differences through actually communicating. We stopped sitting in opposite sides of the class and eventually would sit close so that we could talk and debate about stuff from life, school, politics. Eventually I learned a lot from him, I realized that we were able to work together in school works and place our preferences aside when it came to working in teams. At the end of high school in our final ‘spiritual retirement,’ we both forgave our initial hatred toward each other and recognized our mutual appreciation and learning-process within walking through the ‘hatred’ point toward each other in front of the entire generation. I realized how much I had judged him and how much he had judged me essentially because of having stepped onto each others’ toes all the time, just because of how we perceived each other to be as ‘different personalities’ or types of people or ‘too opinionated’ lol. That was a cool moment because to me, he had represented ‘hell’ and someone I could not ‘stand’ at all, and in the end he became probably a ‘good friend.’

 

We supported each other in one way or another to get a notch down from our ego and self-righteousness, we both walked through the resistance, cease the fear and judgment and eventually end up appreciating each other. Sounds like a cool story – and I’m quite sure that if this was able to be worked out with everyone in this world, things would really change. I guess that was a very specific case wherein I allowed myself to get to know a being, in spite of how we were ‘opposite personalities’ and our world/ reality/ lives were apparently ‘too different’ – however when placing that aside, we realized that communication does not have to be based on relating to each other’s preferences and ‘lifestyles,’ but actually talking about stuff that relates to all. He’s a lawyer at the moment and he is from a family of politicians. I would tease him saying that when he would be the president, he should give me a project to paint somewhere or do some artwork for a governmental building, lol.

 

Alright, wrote a lot on that,  but that’s part of my realizations of how I lived this ‘isolation’ simply because I had chosen it, I had imposed it onto myself because I eventually realized it was all my own creation and deliberate decision to ‘not fit in’ because I had created myself as ‘not wanting to fit in’ – it really wasn’t like something that was suddenly imposed onto me = I created it, and it was mostly from this idea of being superior/ knowing better/ being better by myself.  At the end of school, when my only friend wasn’t there any longer, I would just stay in a place wherein I could watch the sunset and read a book. I wasn’t feeling ‘rejected’ any longer, it had become a ‘decision’ still based on personality, however I wasn’t uncomfortable about it in that moment, because I would be talking more to people while being in class.

 

Things changed when hanging out with people outside of school. Suddenly I was not being ‘accepted’ because of being able to talk and relate to others in school terms, but this was about personal relationships that one develop as friendships based entirely on personality – no practical ‘teamwork’ here. And that’s where the oddity began for real, because even though I was able to ‘choose’ who to hang out with, I went through a face of fearing losing such relationships –  until I faced my ‘biggest fear’ which was losing these people, being ‘once again alone.’ And, for the most part, I’ve been ‘alone’ for the past 5 years –except one year when I went to the farm – wherein my life was simply going to school, having the regular interactions with people in class and that’s it. I never went to a single ‘party’ in college and that might be as odd as can be, but I wasn’t simply interested in that.  A ‘fear’ of ‘having missed the entire art school experience’ comes only now that I’m done with it, fearing that I didn’t use the opportunity to the maximum to actually develop skills there, but only ‘went through it’ mostly because of placing all my focus and attention to the process we’re walking here – however this is only a mind fear, as in ‘being missing out the party/ missing out on life’ which is something that took me quite a while to grasp, simply because of that same idea of ‘living through experiences.’

 

When stopping friendships and relationships, I realized that I had to now face myself after having feared losing everyone – even if ‘they’ meant 3 people or 4 to the max – and stand alone.

 

For the past almost 2 years I have been alone and I see it as a necessary time to get comfortable in that aloneness, simply because of how much I had feared it yet desired it at the same time. It’s an odd game that we play wherein in fact we all seek to be able to get along with each other and we can only ‘fear’ it because of other fears, judgments, even being used to ‘being alone’ as well, which I can recognize wherein at times I simply wanted to be alone again when being with lots of people. Entering a relationship in fear of losing it is already something that I can recognize going through as well.

So within all of these fears and eventually facing them in real-life, I was able to recognize the energetic addictions that we develop toward either being alone/ not being alone as a point of self-definition, an experience that we feed as ourselves which keeps us bound to one pole or the other, instead of standing within this point of self-acceptance as an individual = alone – yet the point is to stop the experience of ‘loneliness’ which has been quite a process for me. And I had only lead me to a single spot: getting to a point of self-acceptance, self-enjoyment that I had realized I could experience after having been so addicted to/ attached to living my ‘life’ through and with others and being constantly seeking our ‘next greatest excitement’ through various ways.

 

I stopped avoiding being alone and embraced that point as an ability to appreciate myself, which I hadn’t done before, even when ‘being accepted by others’ I would take that as an ‘add on’ to my self-appreciation, never ‘gave it to myself/ accepted it as myself’ so to speak. And now, I am starting to realize that it is only within this starting point of self-agreement as self-appreciation, self-acceptance standing alone that I see how these dependencies to either being accepted/ rejected, being ‘in’ or ‘out’ of a particular social context was only existent within me as a self-imposed limitation based on my personality/ ego as preferences, judgments and essentially the ‘elitist’ eye that I would view everyone with, wherein I would deliberately decide who do I mingle with and who do I just ‘talk to in means of not generating enemies’ which was another story.  I went through making sure that I would talk to everyone in order to not generate any antagonism as the one that I had experienced with the guy that I wrote about earlier on. This is how I see politicians functioning at the moment with people, they tend to want to not generate any conflict/ antagonism/ rejection with the people, so they present themselves in a particular way expecting to always be liked, never opposed, even though the opposition becomes an inevitable thing within this world.

 

So – fear of being alone and my various judgments toward people became quite a cool thing to walk through within my life, probably not even realizing much about it because we tend to only keep certain details about our experience of the past in our mind, which makes us either love it or hate it and remove all the actual interactions that might have led to a tiny bit of a change and realization through interacting with people. The point is that if I had not allowed me to, for example, get along with that person that I had judged extensively or even ‘detested’ at some point, I would not have allowed that point of expansion within myself. I remember people asking me ‘how was I able to ‘stand him’?’ because in their mind schemes we were like oil and water and could not fathom us getting along – so that’s an indication how even at the eyes of others based on these same ‘schemes,’ we tend to segregate each other and categorize wherein anything that simply could not ‘get along with each other’ is seen as an aberration within their ideas of ‘how the world should be.’  It was actually quite cool to be vulnerable with each other and get to know that in spite of his perceived ‘fame and fortune,’ he had a really tough time within feeling rejected and hated by most of the people – which was a similar pattern another similar guy once shared with me -which revealed another aspect of how I had been part of those people that despised him simply because of perceiving him as conceited and ‘too cocky’ to give a fuck about anything. But in fact, he dealt with a lot of internal conflict because of how everyone would judge him, without allowing themselves/ ourselves to actually get to know him. So, it was cool getting to see the other side of the coin and break-through those limitations.

 

I share this because to me this was an experience that changed my approach toward beings, allowed me to not discriminate just because of how people would look like or how I would profile them. When getting to college and having various different types of classmates, I was able to get along with most and realized that it could only be a judgment that kept me from speaking with others. And from there and later on in art school, I mostly remained ‘alone’ as in not always being with someone in particular – yet was able to share, talk and enjoy other’s presence. That was definitely also because of already been walking this process and facing all possible judgments on my face.

 

From this perspective I would see myself ‘out of the circuit’ of how people would get along with some and dislike others/ judge others and segregate themselves – it was like me being just ‘there’ and not really playing the game of taking a particular side or antagonize another in particular – as it seemed it sometimes ‘worked’ there. It was actually odd for me to get along with someone and having some other person saying hi to me, yet not saying hi to the other person I was with simply because they had a ‘story’ behind. I simply did not follow through such separation, I would then explain how I would not stop talking to someone based on what others might think about them. It’s fascinating how within a single classroom you get all of these different ‘groupings’ that oppose each other – no wonder how when looking at the world, we have wars manifested out of that single separation that – once again – begins with a point of identification that separates us from the rest, from realizing we are in fact one and equal and have to now establish a conviviality based on Equality.

 

This is how to wrap this up, I agree with Bella and everyone at Desteni on how we have realized that Equality is the solution to all separation in this world, this is the only way that we can in fact sort our differences out not by ‘tolerating them’ or ‘getting along with it’ – but actually self-forgiving them within the realization that they have been specific mechanisms to divide us and in such division, be easily polarized and controlled. Equality means then the actual realization of our full potential if we dare to work as equals. For that, Desteni as a group is already proof of that, wherein a single Life Principle can become the driving force that keeps the cohesive stance of each other as equals.

It is only Equality that can prevail in this world.

 

loneliness1

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