Tag Archives: loner

437. What to Do when Feeling like an Outcast?

Here I share some practical steps to consider whenever this particular experience of feeling left out, feeling like not belonging, feeling like one is being judged by others in a particular group or environment, or that one is the ‘odd one sticking out’ etc.

 

If you’d like to have more context as to how I walked this point of ‘the outcast’ you can read the whole story I wrote some years ago of how I experienced this here: ‘The Outcast’: self-imposed tag

 

Whenever you feel like there is no ‘room’ for you somewhere, as if you simply were being ignored by others or deliberately ‘left out’ – first point is to clear oneself from these perceptions, always realizing that these are perceptions created in one’s own mind, therefore: they are not in fact real. We make them real when living out this self-rejection in fact, which means these thoughts make us want to keep quiet, remain isolated and deliberately not interacting with others, because we are in fact very occupied in our own minds building up the feeling of being the outsider, the outcast. Funny, isn’t it? We actually create our own experience and feed it through thinking. And what I’ve noticed is that if we wait for someone asking us directly to ‘come and share’ or ‘speak’ or ‘join in’ it will not happen that often

Therefore:

Instead of continuing churning the outcast character in the head, take a breath, and make a very physical and decisive step to Participate which practically means: take part in/ be a part of. How? Speak, write, let yourself be read/heard and so known. We often make the mistake of waiting for the right moment to share some perspective or point of view or simply to start the very basic point of communicating, which is also a decision one makes to interact with someone else.

Throughout these first steps, it is likely that some voices in the head of being disliked or not being welcomed, or ‘no one asking for your participation’ to come up. In this: keep on reminding yourself of these being words that one has most likely created over a long period of time in our heads, therefore they are not ‘what people really think’ or are at all disclosing the reality of the situation, they are entirely our own creation, therefore we can stop participating ‘up there’ and rather continue the physical process of writing, speaking, sharing oneself with others.

Also important to note that it is not like these judgments will go ‘easily’ or  ‘go away forever’ with just stopping them once. Nope. We have trained ourselves in our minds to continually have ‘something to say’ as in some kind of judgment, fear  that turns into an anxiety, an insecurity, a bunch of questions about ‘others’ and how they relate to us. But two things are certain: one is that these experiences have been ‘recorded’ in our mind, therefore are self created and as such we can stop participating in them; and the other point is that whatever anyone else holds as a judgment, perception, idea, belief about oneself or others, it is also entirely their creation and so their point of responsibility. This assisted me a lot to take whatever judgments or criticisms for what they are: mind perceptions that have no impact or ‘value’ toward myself, because I have by now gotten to know what I am, what I am not which means: I cannot allow another’s words to define me. Of course unless it is not a judgment and someone is giving some kind of feedback about myself that I could take into consideration as a point of self support, but that is then just that: constructive criticism that one can look further within oneself to see what can we learn from it.

 

Another point that was ‘hard to admit’ at the time is how my own ‘outcastism’ was in fact a point of superiority, waiting for people to specifically ‘ask me’ for something or ‘focus on me only’ or ‘pay only attention to me’ which is quite ludicrous because in this I am in no way being a ‘fair player’ in the interaction, but in fact demanding some special attention and care. Is this self-honest as in really applying the principle of equality where one realizes that no matter ‘who’ is speaking to, ‘where’ one is at, we are all ultimately equal at that level of humanity, therefore there is Always something that connects us, something we can talk about and relate to, just by the fact that we have the ability to communicate between each other as species. It is funny how many times we forget about this and create a wall of judgments between each other that divides us, when these ‘walls’ are in fact invisible, self created and so ‘the wall’ can be self-demolished in one single moment where one makes the directive decision of ‘I am here, I participate, I share myself, I communicate, I unconditionally become part of the moment/discussion/interaction with others. And so, what I noticed is that it feels like taking a dive into a pool where one knows it will be a bit cold, might be a bit of a fright initially, but it gets better once you are actually doing it. This in fact applies to many other things we usually fear to do.

So linked to this, in my case I had to become aware of not stepping on my ‘high horse’ and believing I could only communicate or be friends with or interact with people that were ‘at my same level’ in whatever I defined ‘that level’ to be. Therefore this means the ability to be humble and unconditional when giving these first steps of interaction. What do these words mean? Being able to talk to others or approach a point of communication without having a particular ‘agenda’ behind, a particular intent or point of personal interest that could be already ‘clouding’ one’s ability to be clear in what we want to say. This personal interest also includes those judgments where we are Only considering oneself, as if everything revolved around ‘me’ only, when in fact what I’ve found is the best way to initiate any interaction and virtually be able to approach any person and talk to them is by being very stable and quiet in oneself, and sticking to the moment: not having any ‘desire’ – therefore unconditional – behind the communication other than making it a clear decision to speak, share, communicate, write yourself in an interaction with another, scheduling meet ups with others etc.

 

These are some considerations where the focus is on the ‘what to do’ or what kind of words can one live to get out of the ‘outcast’ experience and instead ‘cast’ oneself to participate in the communication and interactions with others.

No need to ever desire to ‘be a part of’ because we are Already a part of this world, everything and everyone here. It is more like realizing that no one else is supposed to ‘make space for you’ or tell you that ‘you belong’ because that only creates an idea or experience, when in fact, there is no need for that. I’d rather suggest realizing that I am here, therefore I am part of life and this world, therefore I accept myself as that part that I am in this life and take part in co-creation by establishing communication, contact with others.

There is nothing more fulfilling in fact than deciding to step out of one’s shell and connecting with people. Nowadays, there is no excuse really because we live in the ‘era of communication’ and it is frankly a bit absurd that the ‘internet era’ and generations could become more isolated behind the gadgets that are supposed to unite us. Time to use them to do just that: to connect with each other, to share, to speak up, to unconditionally let others know who we are and what we are up to in this life, no need for ‘special’ experiences or hidden agendas in this, but rather taking it as a statement of honoring that part of life that we are and the space that we breathe as part of life, of everything that is here.

And so, because we can all learn from each other, let me know your feedback if you do apply some of these points and how you find out they work out for you. These are only some aspects I’ve applied – and continue to apply – myself whenever the ‘outcast’ or ‘feeling left out’ experience creeps in, then I decisively step in and ‘let me share me’ – lol. So, I share also the links from others that have been sharing about this topic as well, which is great because it broadens our awareness on how this particular ‘mindset’ can exist and develop within ourselves.

 

Recommend to read/listen to them:

Day 1100: Outsider
How does it work? Fostering a connection with someone

Outsiders – day 695

Day 577 – Do I not belong?
Day 39 – Feeling Like an Outcast

Life Review – The Outsider

 

Best to stop the ‘self imposed’ tag as an ‘outsider’ and instead ‘cast’ oneself into taking part of living and connecting, communicating, relating to others which is also the way we can learn so much more about ourselves, which would not be possible if one deliberately isolates oneself.

 

 

If you don't try nothing will ever happen

 

 

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122. ‘Is this as good as it gets?’

 

 

Even when I was in a moment with ‘established’ friendships and relationships, there would always be a time wherein I just wanted to be left alone, even if I was already quiet habituated to be with them during the day, I would always hit the  introverted mode wherein I would just remain quiet while backchatting about me wanting to leave home:  how could I get myself out of this situation, can’t he just stop talking, if I say that I don’t want to go then Ill be seen as anti-social, he/ she will take i t personal if I don’t want to go there –I just want to go home. And then getting home was just being apparently ‘free’ again, which is just where my ‘default character’ would come up, wanting to be alone.

 
And this is a fantastic mechanism of the mind to keep me bound to first generation an expectation of wanting to do something/ see someone and then going to the actual experience, not getting ‘my energy’ – therefore, experiencing boredom or dissatisfaction and therefore, only seeking to be alone again, only to create further mindfucks about me being ‘incapable’ of being with others for an extended period of time, or simply having something ‘wrong’ within me that would lead me to always seek out to be alone again. All of it self created for very specific reasons and purposes that rely on self interest.  Some of the main backchat on this is:
 

I am getting tired of this, it’s getting boring

I think of Just being alone, no one bothering me

I think it’s time to go home, how can I slip out of this?

He’s trying to be entertaining, but it doesn’t work anymore

Oh man now he’ll be sad because I’m leaving

I’m finally free again

Why do I repeat the same cycle over and over again?

I always end up wanting to leave after having desired to be here

I worry that nothing seems to satisfy me,
What if this is ‘as good as it gets?

 

Self-Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build an expectation upon ‘wanting to see someone to have a good time’ wherein I project myself in a positive manner/’having a good time’ with another, which eventually ‘deflates’ as everything must go all the way down when participating in ideals of ‘positive experience,’ which are in essence a mindfuck created in order for me to every time believe that I had to ‘hold on’ to a particular relationship in order to always experience the ‘joy’ of seeing someone, regardless of how I would always end up experiencing the downfall/ negative once that the energy built up is used up, leaving me ‘high and dry’ which is how I realize I would go through my days: seeking an experience to be ‘more’ than the moment wherein I am here as breath, as the physical.

When and as I see myself creating an expectation upon a future moment of wanting to meet someone/ be somewhere else in order to experience myself in a positive way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that building up a positive expectation eventually meets its downfall as a negative experience. Thus I direct myself to simply be here in every moment with and as whatever point I face in my reality, wherein no good or bad projections are created, as I stick to remain here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to allow the thought of me  being alone, laying on my bed, doing nothing, not being disturbed as the perfect ‘state of mind’ wherein I am able to keep ‘the loner’ character in place, as there is nothing or no one in it that challenges my own self-religion. Thus I see and realize how I have used this thought of ‘going home’ and ‘being alone’ as a defense mechanism whenever something is actually challenging my own personality that doesn’t want to be ‘disturbed’ at all.

When and as I see myself thinking about that image of me being alone at home, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is a red-flag  thought wherein I must look at where and how it is that I am wanting to escape a moment of actual self-support and transcendence of a limitation within communicating/ interacting with others.

I assist and support myself to realize the image of me ‘being alone’ as a personality fail safe that I have kept in order to ensure that I always remain within the ‘bounds’ of my own self-limitation as the characters that I have played out in relation to ‘the loner,’ which is also creating an experience of apparent ‘depression’ in order to have a way to justify my ‘instability,’ wherein I am only manipulating others to ‘accept me as I am’ which was a deliberate ‘loner’ and ‘freakishly behaved’ person that would be extremely joyful and then extremely down from one moment to the next, showing a deliberate face of dissatisfaction so that others could try and do ‘whatever they could to make me happy/ cheer me up’ again – which is absolute self manipulation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to start backchatting myself desiring to leave a certain place/ someone, simply because my energetic drive to be there is no longer ‘strong enough,’ hence I realize that I start projecting myself as this discomfort in my entire physical body that transforms into a mild annoyance that I express in the totality of and as my physical body, just because I already ‘got what I wanted’ and then want to leave the person/place/ situation in order to be alone, which is wanting to go back to the ‘safe spot’ in my mind where nothing and no one disturbs me.

When and as I see myself wanting to escape a moment just because I have already gotten my ‘quick fix’ of positive experience in a certain place/ meeting with someone – I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to interact and be here in the moment without projecting myself into a future moment of just being alone, as I see and realize that this is me just following the ‘default’ setting of my apparent ‘stability’ as in ‘being alone.’ Thus I direct myself to remain here as breath in whatever moment/ situation with whomsoever I am spending a moment with. I am here as breath, I do not require to be ‘alone’ to be here in and as breath in physical stability.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an apparent ‘exhaustion’ from being with others, wherein I would go into a ‘vexed mode’ and ‘annoyed’ simply because I had built an entire future projection of my moment with them/ such person being ‘just great’/extraordinary – thus when my dream would not meet reality, I would feel disappointed and as such, creating the opposite experience was a way to get myself back to my ‘default mode’ which was creating a an ideal positive experience out of being alone – hence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that within being alone I don’t have to ‘uphold any character’ toward others, without realizing that the single character of ‘Wanting to be alone’ is my default character, which I have simply not even opened up because of believing that it was ‘perfectly normal’ for me to ‘want to be alone’ at all times, which is in fact another defense mechanism wherein I then react in every moment that I have to actually share a moment/ space with others – thus

 

When and as I see myself creating a polarity of positive experience and negative experience out of the ideal in my mind of what ‘being alone’ is, I stop and I breathe –I realize that I have created this default character of always wanting to be alone in order to not challenge myself to step out of my own self-limitation. Thus I assist myself to remain here as breath and stop any desire to run away from everyone and leave a place, as I see that I am only running away from facing myself as others in a moment of interaction.

I assist and support myself to take a moment to simply focus on breathing and realize that I am here and that being with people or being alone doesn’t change who I am here as breath, as the physical.

I commit myself to walk the ‘default character’ of myself defined as me being alone, which is essentially still trying to protect my ‘loneliness’ as my ‘safe heaven.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself just walking home, being at home, and being alone whenever I see that another is just trying to ‘keep up the positive experience’ in the moment, wherein I decidedly react in a vexed and annoyed manner, indicating that I am simply ‘not having a good time’ and wanting to escape, which is when I become very quiet and showing little to no excitement about anything, which comes from the entire relationship play out that I created for myself, wherein I would be like a ‘cheerleader’ trying to make a ‘good moment’ out of anything, eventually and inevitably facing the counter act which is having a ‘low’ and and a downfall, which is when the thought of just stepping out of the scene comes up, which translates of wanting to stop upholding such agreeable character in a relationship and go back to my ‘safe place’ as in being alone and not having to ‘deal’ with others, without realizing that this is about me dealing with my own backchat and experiences created upon others’ actions, words in a particular moment.

When and as I see myself becoming ‘tired’ when being with another, annoyed/ vexed, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am then upholding a character as in being ‘positive/ agreeable’ creating an inevitable ‘downfall’ of energy as the negative and just wanting to shut another up. Thus I assist and support myself to be HERE in the moment without changing ‘who I am’ according to the people or environment – I am here, I breathe and as such I interact and communicate without holding myself back upon assessing communication as being either a positive/likeness or negative/disliking according to the judgment I have created upon communication.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another takes my ‘quiet’ attitude as personal, thinking that they will believe they are not ‘good enough to keep me entertained’ (wtf?) which is just me projecting my own inner conflict onto others to not take responsibility for my own characters and see how I manipulate myself to manipulate in deliberately making it evident that ‘I am not having a good time’ and a such, wanting to push them to do ‘all they can’ to maintain a good time/ keep me entertained with something, which is absolutely unsustainable and ludicrous to even conceive how our relationships have only been based on this desire to please or ‘keep someone entertained’ in order to ‘have a good time’ which is absolutely reducing each other to characters that masturbate each other until the orgasmic experience comes and then, one just wants to leave the place and seek for the next fix somewhere else.

I realize that I have created these characters in order to trigger an experience within another so that they could then come up with an idea to do something that would ‘cheer me up’ or ‘keep me entertained’ which can only be applicable if I am in fact only wanting to keep relationships of ‘good times,’ instead of self-stability here in every moment of breath. Thus I direct myself to support me here to not create subcharacters to defend the ‘ideal’ loner character, as all such points are in fact unnecessary if one take self responsibility to remain stable in every moment of breath, no matter where or with whom we are.

When and as I see myself fearing another’s reaction upon my own quietness – I stop and I breathe. I realize that I won’t even have to be playing ‘the quiet’ subcharacter as a support for ‘the loner’ character because I won’t be limiting myself to only create the idea of me having a ‘good time’ by myself, alone – thus I see and realize that if I am quiet it is because I in fact have nothing to say and that another’s thoughts upon me have nothing to do with what I decide to live as in every moment, taking into consideration that I won’t deliberately be quiet in order to instigate a reaction within another, but ensuring that I am in fact here breathing and as such being open to speak or not speak according to the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually lie about ‘having to do something’ in order to leave, which is just part of the entire lies as the characters that I kept up with another in order to remain in such relationship, in order to please ourselves and, paradoxically enough, to ‘not be alone’ which is the actual polarity I went back and forth with: wanting to be alone and then seeking to not be alone through relationships. I realize that my ability to be here and interact with anyone does not require for me to create ‘special bonds’/ ideal moments that I then bind myself to, I am able to remain stable and consistent here as breathe and open to share and interact with others without fearing or desiring to be alone, as I am here, breathing in my physical body and that being alone or with people does not define who I am.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being considered as ‘antisocial’ whenever I leave a place to go home, however I see and realize that most of the times I did so in order to keep myself ‘safe’ from having to confront myself. Therefore I make sure that I do not ‘pay attention’ to any potential judgments arising from me leaving a place/ not visiting a place/ someone for some time, as I realize that if I do not go or interact for extended periods of time is simply because the moment/ event/ situation is not self supportive and I would rather be doing something that is in fact self supportive.

When and as I see myself finding an excuse to go home/ be alone again, I stop and I breathe, I realize that it is me as the mind as the character of the loner playing out as I do not require to make excuses to simply decide to leave or actually reassess why it is that I am wanting to leave someone/ certain place, which is where self honesty comes in- thus I assess whether the moment is supportive or not, whether I actually would rather be doing something that is self-supportive than being with such person or in a certain place. This I do ensuring that it is not energy that’s driving me to ‘be alone’ but a simple common sensical consideration without fearing leaving another, or fearing being judged for leaving a certain place.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear causing a ‘negative experience’ within another for me leaving, which is just me creating further reactions, compromising myself and instigating further inner conflict to leave, when in fact ‘leaving’ in itself is and must be a decision in the moment wherein I am clear and stable as myself to do so, without holding any specific ‘considerations’ upon what this decision will cause in another, as that is simply my own projection of the play outs I have created within relationships and the fear of losing them .

Thus when and as I see myself fearing causing a ‘negative experience’ within others for me leaving a certain place and moment, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have used this as an excuse to only remain in the place, keeping the same desires to go home, instigating further inner conflict and discomfort just because of compromising myself in this singular point, which is unacceptable – thus I realize that I am the one that is able to simply make a decision to leave in the moment and that’s it – no further consequences when being self honest and clear about my decision.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘feel free again’ whenever I leave a place/ someone, creating then a positive experience out of having created my own negative experience as in being ‘suppressed’ while being with another/ in a certain place, which is how I kept myself looping around positive and negative experiences that I would blame others for apparently ‘spoiling,’ instead of seeing and realizing how I created it all for myself as an excuse to not have to see why it is that I was so addicted to this feel good/ feel bad energetic experience as a way to ‘keep relationships in place’ within my world.

When and as I see myself experiencing a relief, a positive experience as in ‘being free again’ when leaving someone/ a particular place – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is stemming from ‘the loner’ character as the positive experience of being alone, when in fact, being alone must not be a positive experience, but an actual self-stability in every moment of breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an inner conflict out of ‘not knowing why I always want to be alone’ which is an added conflict as an ‘I don’t understand myself’ subcharacter in order to reinforce ‘the loner’ character wherein I believe that ‘there’s something wrong with me’ as an apparent inability to enjoy the moment/ share myself with another, which is just part of the mechanism to keep me entertained within my mind as characters that I created in order to constantly be ‘experiencing’ a beingness as a mood or a ‘way of being’ just like me being the main character of my own movie wherein I would be always a depressive person seeking a positive experiences for a moment and ‘get what I want’ in such manner.

I realize that I have kept this apparent inability to fully enjoy myself simply because of having believed that self enjoyment was something bombastic and ‘outrageous,’ which I simply would not be able to experience myself, thus believing that there was something ‘wrong’ with me not being overtly excited or joyful at time, which is how we create these conflicts based on what we watch in movies/ ideal situations wherein people have this ‘perfect good time’ just because of having lots of money or fame and any kind of culturally accepted ‘successful living’ and ‘enjoyable experience,’ which only exists as a mirage for all of us to constantly seek for such positive experience at all cost, which obviously is not real and never was.

When and as I see myself creating an inner conflict when thinking ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me’ wherein I am apparently incapable of being with another for an extended period of time, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is just a backup to always try and defend my personality as ‘the loner’ that does not want to realize how this is actually a defense mechanism to not face ourselves as another, which is how we fear yet desire relationships as a point of inner conflict, simply because we haven’t allowed ourselves to simply be here, breathing, without having an entire ‘mood’ in our minds at all times.

 

I realize that we are the only ones that create our own characters as a way to abuse our simplicity of being here, as breath, as the physical that we have fully ignored while creating inner conflicts and seeking to be ‘more’ than ourselves here already, which his unacceptable.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my own mindfucks as ‘inner conflicts’ of wanting to be alone all the time, yet deliberately seeking relationships/ seeking to be with others, which is just a perfect mechanism to keep me bound to conflict, to friction and to further consequence, wherein I would always end up ensuring that I remain ‘safe’ as my main character ‘the loner,’ which is why and how relationships came to an end, as I was apparently unable to be/ stand another for an extended period of time, which was only because would face myself/dynamite the foundation of ‘the loner’ character, as I see and realize that being with others, communicating, interacting is the key to see ourselves for real – because when we are all alone in our perfect bubble, nothing seems to move – yet the minor interaction and confrontation with the real world or another being is the actual moment wherein we can test for ourselves if we are in fact really ‘here’ or not.

Thus I assist and support myself to continue opening up with people  in communication and interaction in order to continue applying myself and physically directing me to be constant and consistent within my application of being here as breath, no matter where no matter with whom I am in any given moment.

When and as I see myself believing that ‘I do not know why I always end up wanting to be alone’ – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just another hook to keep me bound to an apparent inner conflict of me having some type of ‘problem’ to be with people, to interact and communicate unconditionally, which is in fact a self created character – as all characters – in order to keep me safe within ‘the loner’ character bounds which is in essence then me protecting and fueling my main default character that seeks to be alone at all times. I thus realize that whenever I am wondering or pondering about my ‘beingness’ as in being alone, I am trying to simply instigate an experience to occupy myself up there in the mind instead of being and remaining here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ask myself ‘what is wrong with me?’ as a self-manipulation tactic in order to not see and realize that I have created this entire ‘loner’ character to always be in a certain ‘beingness’ of either unfulfilled or misunderstood character or apparently being incapable of establishing proper relationships with people, which is absolutely a self-created mechanism to only keep me bound to ‘the loner’ character that will defend its loneliness with even apparent conflict to ‘stop being the loner’ without realizing that all conflict only gives more energy and more attention of who I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as ‘the loner.’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go as far as ‘worrying’ that there is something inherently wrong with me because of not being able to be ‘satisfied’ with anything, not even with having the ‘man of my dreams’ or studying that which I apparently dreamed to have, without realizing that I created these points as positive experiences in order for me to create further conflict when not getting the ideal/ future projected happiness/ satisfaction within such relationships and careers, which is another mechanism to protect ‘the loner’ character that would end up always seeking to be alone, dissert relationships, dissert careers and always remaining ‘unsatisfied’ and feeling ‘inadequate,’ which is a primary source and mechanism of self-manipulation in order to instigate conflict within and as ‘the loner’ character, to keep me bound to always seek for a positive experience, instead of actually accepting and bracing myself here as the simplicity of the physical beingness that requires no positive or negative experience to exist.

I realize that I created my own ‘inner conflicts’ and characters according to who I wanted to be and how I wanted to be seen by others, as some type of ‘weird’ person that is not able to create effective relationships, as that would keep me bound to an isolation, depression and self-diminishment that I would come to seek and even  enjoy as a source of apparent ‘inspiration’ to make good art, which is linked to the entire ‘Artist’ personality, of always existing in conflict and depression in order to have something to ‘create’ about, lol an all-around mindfuck that I created for myself around relationships based on only seeking to exist as a continual inner-conflict to remain comfortable within my own mind, creating all these ideas about ‘who I am’ without ever having even considered that who I really am is myself here as the physical, and that I can direct my mind to support myself as such physical being.

 

When and as I see myself thinking, believing, perceiving and worrying that there is ‘something wrong with me’ because of an apparent inability to establish proper relationships, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this has been one of the greatest traps I created for myself and as myself within the belief that I was in fact a ‘difficult person’ and/or would never be able to ‘settle down,’ wherein I realize that I created such ideas based on fearing actually facing myself with another and bursting my ‘loner’ bubble as primary ‘self-defense mechanism.’ Thus I assist myself to realize there is nothing ‘wrong’ with me and that I can communicate, interact and be with another/ others without creating an experience within my mind about it, it is just human beings being here with one another coexisting as the physical wherein the actual direction at all times must be to form and create agreements of self support to ensure that we no longer support one another’s characters/ personalities as self-limitation, but instead, push ourselves to face the ‘who we have become’ as our mind characters and learn how to coexist and live within the consideration of the physical practical reality.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold the backchat in ultimate stances of disillusionment within a relationship/ a moment and thinking ‘What if this is as good as it gets?’ wherein I judge my ability to enjoy myself with another, existing in a continual discomfort of even not breathing properly because of thinking and believing that I must be and behave in a particular way to get to the ultimate positive experience, in order to create a relationship that I can keep as a ‘positive experience’ within me, which is how I see and realize that I had idealized relationships as these merry-go-round opportunities to only ‘enjoy’ myself, but never ever considering a relationship as a point of actual growth and self support, which is how I would create a negative experience whenever something/ someone would be dynamiting the foundation of ‘the loner’ character, as this was in essence a threat to my mind, the ‘who I am’ as my mind as the limitation of myself I have accepted and allowed myself,’ imposing it onto the physical.

Thus, I see that I only sought for positive experiences within my own relationships and characters of self interest, only being like an addict that looks for a quick fix, have a good time/ a high experience in the moment to then go back to the ‘default’ state of seeking to be ‘more’ through relationships, only getting the quick fix for a moment and then going back to the negative of myself as ‘the loner’ that would then be considered as a positive experience, just to keep myself bounding off from one side to the other with no clarity or even understanding what it is that I was in fact doing to myself, which is abusing myself as the physical, using my mind in order to experience myself as a certain positive or negative mood within the belief that ‘feeling’ and ‘becoming emotional’ was in fact Living.

I realize that thinking ‘what if this is as good as it gets’ implies seeking to be experiencing something positive at all times based on the ideals and future projections that I participated in about myself and my future when growing up, wherein I accepted ‘following my dreams’ as something viable and acceptable, thinking that people could actually always remain in this ‘blissful’ state within their relationships and their jobs, which is absolutely not so and this is thus how we end up dissatisfied with ourselves, without even questioning how such positive experience has always been the carrot on the stick, presented as such, to be an ever elusive ideal and only attainable to a handful of human beings in the world system that even then, would seek to get more and have more power, which is essentially greed that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to create the moment that we think we are able to ‘be more’ than who we are already as ourselves, as the physical.

When and as I see myself thinking ‘what if this is as good as it gets?’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am then trying to create a positive experience out of my day to day living breathing here, which is what life is actually about, instead of seeking a positive experience at all cost and ignoring what is it that actually allows such positive experience to exist. Thus, I bring myself back to the physical an walk moment by moment supporting and assisting myself to work, be, do and interact with others within situations/ activities that I realize are actual opportunities and platforms of self-support in order to stop being characters and actually start taking responsibility for the massive consequences we have created when only seeking to be ‘a successful character’ in our reality.

To be continued…

 

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Recommended Interview that allowed me to understand this pattern of how the mind functions as an energetic leech that seeks for the next great fix which we manifest as our relationships and decisions in our world:

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121. Childhood Anti-Social Behavior

The Control-freak as a little girl – A follow up to the previous posts on ‘The Loner’ Character

One of the first memories I can recall of wanting to be ‘left alone’ and essentially reacting in self-seclusion just to not have to play games with kids my age. I was probably like 4 or 5 years old when this would take place as I was not even able to speak entirely correctly, probably even 3 years old for that matter. And so, a memory is being at my house in a social reunion/ family reunion and fearing that my mother would call me to play with unknown kids my age. I simply would recoil with the single thought of having to play something with them – my mother told me how I would only like ‘playing’ if it was about dancing or singing, but I simply didn’t like ‘playing’ as that would involve being ‘too messy’ and dealing with ‘sharing my toys’ which is something that I would guard like a treasury officer.

So, I would in essence create a tantrum just to not have to play with kids, thrown a tantrum toward my mother for being ‘obliged’ to play with them – apparently- only to later on realize that I could actually have a cool time with them once I’d get past my defense mode. It was all merely me being a picky obnoxious person, snotty little girl really – lol – I’ve often said how I would not ‘bear my ass’ if I could face myself as a child, I was rather princess like wherein nothing could spoil my party and I’d cry if I wanted to. 

Here’s the Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements wherein I take responsibility for a memory wherein I had victimized myself and blamed everyone else for my apparent inability to ‘interact’ with others, when in fact, I was simply defending my personal interests to evolve and remain as the ‘loner’ character in absolute control of myself and my environment – apparently – which is a subcharacter existent within ‘The Loner’ as a defense mechanism to not have to interact with others in Equality. 

 

Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Statements:

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being pushed/ forced to interact with other kids when I was a child simply because they were my age, wherein I would get anxious and fearful of my mother forcing me/ asking me to ‘play with them,’ which I would fear because that would mean that if I didn’t play with them, I would be exposed with everyone about me not wanting to play with other kids – hence being judged as a hermit/ antisocial or plain spoiled kid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to mostly fear that my mother would want to ‘pair me up’ with another male kid in order for me to develop a sense of relationship toward the opposite sex, which is how I would perceive that every time my mother wanted me to interact with others, it was intended within the forced desire of me ‘making friends’ and or getting a ‘male friend’ in order for me to develop that sense of opposite sex interactions at a younger age.

I realize that this was in fact all in my mind and that’s why I created a fear to interact with others, simply because of being forced to establish relationships with them.

When and as I see myself fearing to interact with other beings based on spotting that they are ‘the same age as me’ in a social-event/ situation and fearing having to interact with, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am reacting based on memory instead of me simply being here in the moment, without assessing people as potential beings I’ll be ‘talking to’ due to being similar/ same-age, which is just part of how I conditioned myself to believe that ‘the world revolved around me’ and that I had to socialize with beings in order to be/ seem acceptable within a particular social context.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed and/or scolded for not wanting to socialize/ interact with other kids, wherein I feared that everyone would know that I simply had gone upstairs to my room so that I would not have to interact with other kids – thus I realize that I was mostly fearing being exposed to others about my real antisocial nature, which evolved when I believed that I had to interact with every kid in every social environment, otherwise I would be scolded or treated as a anti social being

When and as I see myself fearing to be judged as antisocial for not interacting with other beings, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I can interact and open up communication in any given moment with anyone in such particular social interactions, as I see and realize that there is no need to define or limit myself to only talk to a particular type of people, nor do we require to have ‘things in common’ or be of the same age in order to communicate.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to exist as the fear of interacting with people/ kids that I do not ‘know of’ wherein I fear having someone pushing me to interact with them in a forceful manner and upon threats.

When and as I see myself fearing interacting with others based on having eventually being pushed by someone else to do so, I stop and I breathe. I realize that it is not a ‘must do’ that I must always interact and speak with others in social events, however I can also allow myself to communicate openly if the opportunity does arrive to be able to communicate with another, wherein I allow myself to breathe and hear and talk back as a way to expand myself and walk past all limitations to not do so.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety whenever I was expecting my mother to come and scold me for not socializing with people, which is how I developed an actual fear to face myself in social contexts such as family reunions/ parties wherein I felt that I had to socialize with other kids no matter what, and that if I would not manage to do so, I would be judged and scolded by my mother for that.

When and as I see myself becoming anxious, worried and fearful for not socializing with other beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this only comes from the idea of me not being as ‘sociable’ as others beings in my family that I have defined as sociable and charismatic, wherein the role that I played was that of not being ‘as sociable’ as my sisters or parents, which is just a pattern that I played out in order to keep my ‘little world’ intact’ – Thus I allow myself to talk, interact and communicate with others whenever I see myself simply wanting to communicate and express in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make of ‘my mother’ the ogre within the memory, without realizing that I am in fact only creating an antagonist to blame others for my own accepted and allowed self-creation and experience, which was primarily based in not wanting other kids to disrupt my ‘little perfect world’ of my toys, my room and as such, essentially fearing beings coming and spoiling my perfect surroundings in my room and as such simply not wanting to interact with them because of not wanting to share my toys/ stuff with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within my own memories to always have something or someone to blame instead of taking self responsibility for my own creation.

When and as I see myself trying to blame others for my own experiences of being antisocial and not wanting to share myself with others, I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘blaming’ is easier than taking self-responsibility for what I have become as a ‘less sociable person,’ thus I direct myself to take responsibility for myself to correct the patterns of being apparently ‘anti-social’ and fearing people spoiling my perfect little world, as I realize that this is in essence my own ‘possessive’ character wherein I want to reign and rule over what is mine, and not having it being disturbed by anything or anyone.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to as a child only enjoy activities with other kids that didn’t involve having to play with toys with others, but only sing or dance as a point of expression. I realize that I would enjoy that simply because I knew that I could be ‘the star’ of the game and others could simply do the same without having to fight over toys or ‘making a mess’ of a particular space.

I realize that I have enjoyed doing that which I am ‘good at’ which in this case was only dancing or singing, and any other game that involved having to work together with kids and interact in a more one on one bass, I simply disregarded and ignored because I did not want to have to share my stuff with others.

When and as I see myself disliking having someone in my ‘room’ or area wanting to interact and socialize and seeing myself watching their every step to ensure that they don’t spoil the place, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am wanting to control their every move in what I deem as ‘my territory’ wherein I essentially fear my stuff being messed up by others and within this, losing my perfect-order as part of my self-religion wherein everything is exactly and precisely ‘to the T’ always neat and ‘in its right place’ – Thus I direct myself to breathe through watching another’s move and remain here as the physical reality wherein I allow myself and another to interact without having backchat about desires to order and control another’s moves.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in fear and anxiety to my mother scolding me for not being sociable enough which I cannot even remember if it was really so as in my mind, I have made myself a victim of this entire situation when in fact, I was in fact a selfish-girl that didn’t really want to share her toys and herself with other kids, thus I realize that I have victimized myself in my mind as apparently not knowing ‘why I was so antisocial’ and so fearful of interacting with other kids, without realizing that I was in fact only protecting my own desires to control and have everything be intact and never spoiled or interrupted by other beings such as having other kids using my stuff and interacting with me in ‘my space.’

I realize that what I was in fact securing was only my desire to remain ‘at peace’ as in having everything intact without anyone spoiling my little perfect world.

When and as I see myself trying to victimize myself within an apparent inability to know ‘why’ I dislike interacting with other beings, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am accessing a defense mechanism wherein actual selfishness, desires to control and manipulate others to only behave the way that I want them to be and behave exist. Thus I allow myself to breathe through my interaction with another in ‘my space’ and realize that any attempt to control their moves is me acting out of the ‘loner’ character that doesn’t want anything to be spoiled in their space.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only keep the memories in my mind wherein I would only remember being scolded by my mother for not socializing with other kids, while in fact even my mother would fear suggesting me to play with others simply because of how irritable I was as a child wherein I would immediately deny any moment of interaction with others in order to remain secluded in my perfect little bubble.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to end up crying by my own self created friction toward playing/ interacting with others based on my desire to have everything ‘intact’ within my world, wherein the sole idea of having to share myself with another, share my toys and space meant a disturbance to my ‘perfect little bubble’ wherein anyone would mean a disruption to ‘my space,’ within this only having used a conflict toward another as in projecting blame and believing that I was being forced to socialize with others, when in fact I was only being pushed to walk through my own reluctant behavior to interact with others.

When and as I see myself reacting in anger, anxiety or any other fear whenever I see that I am in a situation wherein I am bound to share ‘my space’ with others, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to walk the moment of sharing my space, my stuff with others without reacting to their moves and actions within our common space as I see and realize that I cannot control or manipulate other’s actions to only suit my personal needs and ideas of how they are supposed to interact with me and in ‘my environment’ which is absolutely possessive and control-based stemming from the actual fear of ‘losing’ my space.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others’ judgments upon me not wanting to socialize with other kids, wherein I then add more anxiety and fear because of realizing that people will consider me as antisocial, which is something that I feared because I wanted to be liked and accepted by others – thus I realize that I created a fear of being judged by my own patterns and habits that I knew were not acceptable, yet I wanted to remain having this ‘halo’ around me while actually being rather selfish and wanting to control my environment.

When and as I see myself wanting to control people’s reactions I stop and I breathe, I realize that in this I want to be acceptable by others yet at the same time remain within my ‘safe bounds’ as limitations to keep and maintain my main character as ‘the loner’ in place, wherein anyone and anything that gets ‘too close’ to me or my environment I simply push away. Thus I direct myself to interact, share and expand myself in my environment with others to ensure that I am not protecting my main character in place and instead expand to share, talk, chat, interact in physicality with others, breathing through every moment wherein I see my mind wants to ‘jump out of the window,’ I support myself to remain here stable as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to manipulate myself into crying due to my own desires to remain alone and have everything ‘under control’ in my reality which is how I remember talking myself into fear and anxiety out of having people now being aware of me not wanting to play with them, which is the same point of not wanting others to see me as anti-social or simply not wanting to be with them, as I still wanted to be seen with ‘good eyes’ by others, yet I knew that I was in fact really selfish because of not wanting to share myself with others.

When and as I see myself manipulating myself into creating a conflict out of having to interact with others or do something that apparently ‘disturbs’ my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only creating further conflict within my mind based on my own desires to remain ‘intact’ – thus I allow myself to remain here as breath whenever I have an opportunity to interact with others and allow myself to breathe through any reactions to stop doing so – I support myself to learn how to share myself in the moment.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel bad about others’ reactions when they get to know that I didn’t want to play with them, which is just me creating further conflict upon my self-created limitation, thus I realize that whenever I ‘feel bad’ for doing something I end up making a decision to comply to do something but not as a self-directive action but actually once again out of fear of making them feel like I despised them, which I didn’t want obviously.

When and as I see myself doing something out of fearing another’s reactions upon my own actions of seclusion and introversion, I stop and I breathe – I realize that it is unnecessary to create such a reactive loop if I simply allow myself to interact and be open to share ‘my space’ with others in any given moment without thinking that I don’t want them to touch this or that or just waiting for them to leave.

I support myself to stop the possessive character that I’ve live by and as when wanting to control my environment and other’s reactions upon my own imposition of ‘rules of conviviality’ wherein I would essentially restrict people from touching my stuff. I allow myself to break through my controller mind-possession demon and instead remain here as breath as I share my space not only with humans but with animals alike.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to always focus on the restrictions and limitations as the immediate thoughts of ‘not wanting to work with others/ not wanting to play with others’ instead of actually realizing that this is just a mind-limitation to keep my main character as the ‘loner’ intact, wherein everything and everyone that is essentially an opportunity to debunk this pattern I see as a threat – thus I realize that it is a decision that I must make in order to see how I can in fact enjoy expressing and sharing myself with others once that I get past the initial habitual patterns of defense, control and self-limitations out of fears of having my little world ‘interrupted’ and ‘disturbed’ by the mere presence of others.

When and as I see myself denying to myself the ability to share a moment and interact with others, I stop and I breathe – I direct myself to see how this is an actual opportunity for self expansion, communication and walking-through resistances to actually have a cool time while sharing and interacting with others in a moment, wherein I support myself to be here as breath moment by moment, not future projecting into wanting the moment to be over or them being ‘out of my sight’ again to remain alone, but instead actually allowing myself to enjoy the presence and ability to communicate and share myself with another/others in my reality.

 

I commit myself to stop playing out the control-freak as the subcharacter of the loner as the loner is alone because it doesn’t want any form of ‘disturbance’ around that can potentially break-through the controlling patterns – thus I see and realize how the control-freak is the key point as the main fear that I held in order to not have to interact with others, to not have my main character disrupted and threatened with a potential realization of actually enjoying being with beings and communicating, sharing, interacting in equality.

this will continue…

 

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  1. Day 121: TRUE ACTIVIST VIVISECTION

 

Fascinating series to Hear and understand who we are and how we came to be in relation to the animal kingdom as well as learning about this fascinating animal, The Owl:


119. Oddity: Please, Leave Me Alone

119 is an Odd number and an oddity pattern has emerged. As mentioned in the previous blog, I am here to walk a point that comes before all points in relation to relationships, and that is a pattern that I have played out throughout my life and that I’ve mentioned in the blog  111. ‘Why aren’t you normal? which is a desire to be Left Alone.

And curiously enough, I had been trying to hide and suppress this point from the moment that I heard a song by Fiona Apple in her new record wherein she sings/recoils saying ‘How can I ask anyone to love me when all I do is beg to be Left Alone? –

 

Left Alone

This point can be quite extreme and it kicks in as a defense mechanism of the mind in order to place a red flag whenever there’s something/ someone that might be a potential dynamite to my self-religion, wherein I essentially start running away/ evading to ‘not be bothered’ or simply challenge my ‘way of being’ which is clearly a self-delusion.

The first memories stem from when I was a little girl and my mother would ask me to ‘go downstairs and play with x and x’ during a party or family reunion, which I refused to for whatever reason –I would even go into throwing tantrums simply because of not wanting to go and ‘play’ with other kids, which is how I would create an absolute opposition to the sound of her voice being ‘gently-pushing’ me to do something, until she’d get angry and scold me for not wanting to go downstairs to be/ socialize with other kids.

I can recall that I had a ‘hard time’ making friends simply because of this same point: I don’t want others to ‘disturb’ me, I don’t want to miss out this or that TV show if I go to his/ her house to play – I rather say that  I was sick and that’s why I didn’t go.  And so I always ensured I would only go to/ attend the places and interact with people that I wanted to be and interact with – but when anything or anyone went out of my ‘scheme’ of familiarity, I’d immediately seek ways to not participate, to not have to ‘go there.’

A memory that pops up was for example having outdoors activities at school, wherein kids would enjoy being boy scouts and I just thought of myself as inadequate for all types of outdoor experiences. So, I would push myself to not go at all or only go if it was absolutely directed to school – I really could not fathom how kids would want to spend their Saturdays doing all of that.

 

Sometimes girls would invite me to their houses, or anything else like a party or just going out or something and while they’d be asking me to go there, I would already be wanting to scheme any form of ‘event’ to make an excuse as to why I could not make it – I would rush into saying that I had this or that other class, or that I would be doing something else that would ruin the entire plan.

 

Other specific times is when I had wanted to be ‘left alone’ in relationships, wherein I apparently become too vexed and annoyed by another and in that, start scheming ways to pull myself away, like a literal ‘red flag, someone is about to push your buttons further,’ and as such immediately start getting annoyed by something, creating backchat as clear as ‘I don’t want to speak any longer/ I just want to be left alone’ – which is how I then go into being quiet and finding excuses as to why I should not relate to such person any longer.

 

Even when I was in a moment with ‘established’ friendships and relationships, there would always be a time wherein I just wanted to be left alone, even if I was already quiet habituated to be with them during the day, I would always hit the  introverted mode wherein I would simply remain quiet while backchatting about me wanting to leave home:  how could I get myself out of this situation, can’t he just stop talking, if I say that I don’t want to go then Ill be seen as anti-social, he/ she will take i t personal if I don’t want to go there – I just want to go home

 

Even when I was in supportive environments e.g. the farm I would ‘hit that point’ wherein I just wanted to be alone, like suddenly being ‘fed up’ of being around people and would only project myself into an immediate future of being alone in my room, doors closed, windows closed – no disturbance, silence. This is how the ‘going home’ or being in my room was like my little ‘spot in space’ wherein I could be alone.

And so whenever anything or anyone challenged my routine, ‘my way’ of doing things, my way of dealing with my everyday I would immediately go into a ‘defense mode’ of excuses in order to not go somewhere/ do something that would mean having to go to an unknown place or interacting with new people or doing something new. My home always being that ‘safe heaven’ wherein I could then feel at ease and always yearn to ‘get back to.’ 

So, this manifests even toward people that do not precisely represent a point that I have to ‘run away from’ in physical reality, but simply someone that is clearly being a ‘threat’ to my ‘loner’ character, which I have linked to people suddenly being ‘too close’ to me and I simply deciding that they’re getting ‘too close’ which is how I’ve always kept my bounds to remain the same in my own little routine where nothing moves and nothing changes – thus, the perfect intact trap for myself as my own ego.

 

This will continue…

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Cielos-azules

 

Blog Explaining what Backchat is:

 

Life Reviews that I could ‘relate to’ in order to see myself as another:


‘The Outcast’: self-imposed tag

I  have found and realize that I used to judge and dislike people that would place tags upon others – I didn’t realize that I was in fact doing exactly the same, no only within my secret mind toward others in an automated way, but toward myself as a ‘choice’ within the suit that I wore as a personality.

I read very interesting realizations on Bella’s blog Relationships as Limitation Bubbles & Fear as Self-Abuse which ties in with a point that I have also lived throughout my life and it was only last night that I realized how we have projected onto others our own acceptance, perceiving ourselves to be rejected or even fearing being rejected which can only exist if self-acceptance is not in place.

I remember my mother talking to me when I went through a ‘difficult time’ of facing being bullied in school and becoming very sad and worried about it, and she would say ‘don’t care about what others say, whatever they think and say to you is only about themselves,’ and this supported me for a while and made me ‘stronger’ in a way – however only as temporary fix because the origin of the point was not sorted out, which was self-acceptance. I was only 7 or 8 years old then, so this wasn’t even within my ‘frame of reference’ at the time.

 

When going into junior school/ secondary school, I began struggling with going into a bigger school and seeing how people had these different ‘groups’ that would not talk to each other. I came from a school wherein the last year of elementary school we were less than 10 in the class, and we would all talk to each other and hang out together. Thus going from this small group into a group of almost 40 -in a generation of 6 groups – certainly broadened my perspective of how people would behave in terms of ‘friends’ and having their particular ‘gangs’ so to speak. I would talk to most of the people in my class, however I still would avoid not talking to some that I had judged for whatever idea of myself I had as ‘not being compatible’ with them, mostly based on preferences/ personality and level of ‘intellect’ which was another point that I would use as a means of separation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from people based on how I could ‘get along with them’ or not in relation to ‘intellect’ and being able to relate to others within the starting point of identifying myself as a certain personality

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to discriminate others based on the idea of ‘intellect’ and comparing myself to others and within that, deciding ‘who I would talk to’ in relation to how I would classify people in terms of them being ‘intelligent’ or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an intellectual elitist wherein I would avoid talking/ getting along with beings that I deemed as slower/ dumb without realizing that in that I had become my own personal-limit to get along with others in means of conviviality.

 

What I realized last night is how I had gone through a process of being ‘left out’ of a group of friends and went through the fear of having to spend recess time alone – which is something that petrified me at that time –  and how I eventually did the same ‘segregation process’ toward others. It’s fascinating to see how in my mind I was ‘the victim of those that didn’t accept me’ but in fact, I had done the exact same thing not only in school, but with people in my family and virtually with any person walking down the street that I would immediately profile and decide if I could ‘talk to that person’ or not, all based on my own preferences/ likes and ideas of myself. I had disregarded the fact that I was also doing the same that had been done onto me, yet I justified it with my self-belief of ‘not everyone being able to get along’ and having the ability to choose who to talk to or not.

 

We become our own dictators within our self-regime of who we like, who we judge, why we judge and vindicate all of that because of being a particular ‘personality,’ which in my case was also a perceived ‘odd one’ that found her place within such category, and eventually accepted by others within that same tag. And this was not only with ‘classmates’ -even though school was the main ‘realm’ I lived through within my life – but also toward family members or any other being that I would then decide I would like or dislike. I would be very judgmental and laconic, almost ‘rude’ when expressing with people that I had decided I would Not want to talk to for the reasons mentioned previously, and I can remember this experience as a ‘knowing’ that they simply wanted to communicate and talk – yet in my dictatorship they would not ‘fit in’ within the type of people I wanted to hang out with – so I would avoid replying or following a conversation with them. However, I wore the suit of ‘being the solitary one’ as a defense and excuse to actually be able to decide who do I talk to and who I don’t in terms of ‘closer relationships.’

 

It was interesting because I could talk to people, but when it came to having ‘close friendships’ I had none, not until high school with one person in my entire generation.I became judgmental and/ or ‘picky’ and created this idea of myself as ‘knowing better’ than them, eventually only ostracizing me to the point of spending my time alone, just having a ‘bad time’ every time that I was not in class until I eventually got used to it for the lack of a better experience.

 

The point with all of this is realizing how within my mind I was ‘rejected’ but in fact, I was the only one that had created such self-imposed rejection and separation through my own value schemes. I became very aware that the moment that I found ‘someone’ that I could ‘relate to’ based on how we profile relationships and types of people, I was extremely open and enthusiastic about talking and sharing, it was almost an immediate ‘friendship’ that I’m now aware was one of those necessary preprogrammed points in order for me to get into various experiences later on in my life.  However the point of recognition between both of us came through this self-ejected stance wherein we would believe ourselves to be ‘outcasts,’ yet we were the only ones that had ejected ourselves, simply because of being existing in an almost elitist way toward the rest of the people. And I’m sure that this  is how it works. Even the ‘outcasts’ had their group and would look at you weird if you dared to talk to them – lol I remember this and realized how weird it was that people that perceived themselves to be ‘rejected’ would actually reject another from approaching them. But I did the same so –  it has been the way we have ‘accepted’ social-relationships to function, which is quite fucked up to say the least.

 

So, high school to me was the time wherein I went from being quite an uncomfortable loner to a ‘loner’ that had been able to integrate and share and speak with everyone in my class. I would not ‘hang out with them,’ but I deliberately would talk to everyone. I realized that I had antagonized myself toward the ‘beautiful people’ and I actually learned quite a cool ‘lesson’ once that I opened up and communicated with them. It was funny because they had accepted me as this ‘rebel’ and I had accepted them as the ‘pretty people.’ One of those girls once told me something along the lines of ‘just because you perceive ourselves to care about how we look and are shallow doesn’t mean that we are stupid.’ I realized in that moment how I had in fact placed myself as ‘above them’ all the time and that they had just voiced out the backchat that I had held as ‘tag’ on them  and they knew, and they accepted that as a fact, and we would still talk in the classroom.

 

I have to bring up the point that this is a Jesuit school and there’s people with loads of money the same as people that do not have that much money and I was just in between.  Money would be a factor that decided ‘who’s who’ within school – however the education was based in us recognizing our ability to work together, communicate and not discriminate one another. That was a very cool aspect about it because it did support us to leave our ‘differences’ aside when it came to getting along, this made our conviviality a lot easier, even if being around 37 people in class.

 

I had a specific relationship that went from absolute hate to a very cool acceptance or even ‘school friendship’ with someone that dared to challenge my ‘self righteousness.’ He was part of the ‘rich people’ that I had judged as too ‘cocky’ and believing himself to be ‘more’ than the rest, which was the point that absolutely vexed me – never realized I was doing the exact same thing of course.

I’m actually grateful about the policies in that school. Somehow because I was a ‘good student’ and I had a history of being ‘isolated,’ our counselor called me to her office one day when we were about to finish the first year in high school and asked me ‘who do you want to be with in your next year’s class and who do you Don’t want to be with? So I only gave the name of one or two girls that I could work well and get along with in terms of school work – when I had to choose the person I did  Not want to be with, I chose this guy, stating that I could not stand his guts. From that moment on, I remained with those girls for all three years of high school, but also with the same guy, which was quite a cool move from our counselor even though I had expected to not see him again for the remainder of my stance in that school. This allowed me to face my fear of having to ‘deal with him’ in my class.

 

What happened is that because were deliberately placed in the same class, we worked out our differences through actually communicating. We stopped sitting in opposite sides of the class and eventually would sit close so that we could talk and debate about stuff from life, school, politics. Eventually I learned a lot from him, I realized that we were able to work together in school works and place our preferences aside when it came to working in teams. At the end of high school in our final ‘spiritual retirement,’ we both forgave our initial hatred toward each other and recognized our mutual appreciation and learning-process within walking through the ‘hatred’ point toward each other in front of the entire generation. I realized how much I had judged him and how much he had judged me essentially because of having stepped onto each others’ toes all the time, just because of how we perceived each other to be as ‘different personalities’ or types of people or ‘too opinionated’ lol. That was a cool moment because to me, he had represented ‘hell’ and someone I could not ‘stand’ at all, and in the end he became probably a ‘good friend.’

 

We supported each other in one way or another to get a notch down from our ego and self-righteousness, we both walked through the resistance, cease the fear and judgment and eventually end up appreciating each other. Sounds like a cool story – and I’m quite sure that if this was able to be worked out with everyone in this world, things would really change. I guess that was a very specific case wherein I allowed myself to get to know a being, in spite of how we were ‘opposite personalities’ and our world/ reality/ lives were apparently ‘too different’ – however when placing that aside, we realized that communication does not have to be based on relating to each other’s preferences and ‘lifestyles,’ but actually talking about stuff that relates to all. He’s a lawyer at the moment and he is from a family of politicians. I would tease him saying that when he would be the president, he should give me a project to paint somewhere or do some artwork for a governmental building, lol.

 

Alright, wrote a lot on that,  but that’s part of my realizations of how I lived this ‘isolation’ simply because I had chosen it, I had imposed it onto myself because I eventually realized it was all my own creation and deliberate decision to ‘not fit in’ because I had created myself as ‘not wanting to fit in’ – it really wasn’t like something that was suddenly imposed onto me = I created it, and it was mostly from this idea of being superior/ knowing better/ being better by myself.  At the end of school, when my only friend wasn’t there any longer, I would just stay in a place wherein I could watch the sunset and read a book. I wasn’t feeling ‘rejected’ any longer, it had become a ‘decision’ still based on personality, however I wasn’t uncomfortable about it in that moment, because I would be talking more to people while being in class.

 

Things changed when hanging out with people outside of school. Suddenly I was not being ‘accepted’ because of being able to talk and relate to others in school terms, but this was about personal relationships that one develop as friendships based entirely on personality – no practical ‘teamwork’ here. And that’s where the oddity began for real, because even though I was able to ‘choose’ who to hang out with, I went through a face of fearing losing such relationships –  until I faced my ‘biggest fear’ which was losing these people, being ‘once again alone.’ And, for the most part, I’ve been ‘alone’ for the past 5 years –except one year when I went to the farm – wherein my life was simply going to school, having the regular interactions with people in class and that’s it. I never went to a single ‘party’ in college and that might be as odd as can be, but I wasn’t simply interested in that.  A ‘fear’ of ‘having missed the entire art school experience’ comes only now that I’m done with it, fearing that I didn’t use the opportunity to the maximum to actually develop skills there, but only ‘went through it’ mostly because of placing all my focus and attention to the process we’re walking here – however this is only a mind fear, as in ‘being missing out the party/ missing out on life’ which is something that took me quite a while to grasp, simply because of that same idea of ‘living through experiences.’

 

When stopping friendships and relationships, I realized that I had to now face myself after having feared losing everyone – even if ‘they’ meant 3 people or 4 to the max – and stand alone.

 

For the past almost 2 years I have been alone and I see it as a necessary time to get comfortable in that aloneness, simply because of how much I had feared it yet desired it at the same time. It’s an odd game that we play wherein in fact we all seek to be able to get along with each other and we can only ‘fear’ it because of other fears, judgments, even being used to ‘being alone’ as well, which I can recognize wherein at times I simply wanted to be alone again when being with lots of people. Entering a relationship in fear of losing it is already something that I can recognize going through as well.

So within all of these fears and eventually facing them in real-life, I was able to recognize the energetic addictions that we develop toward either being alone/ not being alone as a point of self-definition, an experience that we feed as ourselves which keeps us bound to one pole or the other, instead of standing within this point of self-acceptance as an individual = alone – yet the point is to stop the experience of ‘loneliness’ which has been quite a process for me. And I had only lead me to a single spot: getting to a point of self-acceptance, self-enjoyment that I had realized I could experience after having been so addicted to/ attached to living my ‘life’ through and with others and being constantly seeking our ‘next greatest excitement’ through various ways.

 

I stopped avoiding being alone and embraced that point as an ability to appreciate myself, which I hadn’t done before, even when ‘being accepted by others’ I would take that as an ‘add on’ to my self-appreciation, never ‘gave it to myself/ accepted it as myself’ so to speak. And now, I am starting to realize that it is only within this starting point of self-agreement as self-appreciation, self-acceptance standing alone that I see how these dependencies to either being accepted/ rejected, being ‘in’ or ‘out’ of a particular social context was only existent within me as a self-imposed limitation based on my personality/ ego as preferences, judgments and essentially the ‘elitist’ eye that I would view everyone with, wherein I would deliberately decide who do I mingle with and who do I just ‘talk to in means of not generating enemies’ which was another story.  I went through making sure that I would talk to everyone in order to not generate any antagonism as the one that I had experienced with the guy that I wrote about earlier on. This is how I see politicians functioning at the moment with people, they tend to want to not generate any conflict/ antagonism/ rejection with the people, so they present themselves in a particular way expecting to always be liked, never opposed, even though the opposition becomes an inevitable thing within this world.

 

So – fear of being alone and my various judgments toward people became quite a cool thing to walk through within my life, probably not even realizing much about it because we tend to only keep certain details about our experience of the past in our mind, which makes us either love it or hate it and remove all the actual interactions that might have led to a tiny bit of a change and realization through interacting with people. The point is that if I had not allowed me to, for example, get along with that person that I had judged extensively or even ‘detested’ at some point, I would not have allowed that point of expansion within myself. I remember people asking me ‘how was I able to ‘stand him’?’ because in their mind schemes we were like oil and water and could not fathom us getting along – so that’s an indication how even at the eyes of others based on these same ‘schemes,’ we tend to segregate each other and categorize wherein anything that simply could not ‘get along with each other’ is seen as an aberration within their ideas of ‘how the world should be.’  It was actually quite cool to be vulnerable with each other and get to know that in spite of his perceived ‘fame and fortune,’ he had a really tough time within feeling rejected and hated by most of the people – which was a similar pattern another similar guy once shared with me -which revealed another aspect of how I had been part of those people that despised him simply because of perceiving him as conceited and ‘too cocky’ to give a fuck about anything. But in fact, he dealt with a lot of internal conflict because of how everyone would judge him, without allowing themselves/ ourselves to actually get to know him. So, it was cool getting to see the other side of the coin and break-through those limitations.

 

I share this because to me this was an experience that changed my approach toward beings, allowed me to not discriminate just because of how people would look like or how I would profile them. When getting to college and having various different types of classmates, I was able to get along with most and realized that it could only be a judgment that kept me from speaking with others. And from there and later on in art school, I mostly remained ‘alone’ as in not always being with someone in particular – yet was able to share, talk and enjoy other’s presence. That was definitely also because of already been walking this process and facing all possible judgments on my face.

 

From this perspective I would see myself ‘out of the circuit’ of how people would get along with some and dislike others/ judge others and segregate themselves – it was like me being just ‘there’ and not really playing the game of taking a particular side or antagonize another in particular – as it seemed it sometimes ‘worked’ there. It was actually odd for me to get along with someone and having some other person saying hi to me, yet not saying hi to the other person I was with simply because they had a ‘story’ behind. I simply did not follow through such separation, I would then explain how I would not stop talking to someone based on what others might think about them. It’s fascinating how within a single classroom you get all of these different ‘groupings’ that oppose each other – no wonder how when looking at the world, we have wars manifested out of that single separation that – once again – begins with a point of identification that separates us from the rest, from realizing we are in fact one and equal and have to now establish a conviviality based on Equality.

 

This is how to wrap this up, I agree with Bella and everyone at Desteni on how we have realized that Equality is the solution to all separation in this world, this is the only way that we can in fact sort our differences out not by ‘tolerating them’ or ‘getting along with it’ – but actually self-forgiving them within the realization that they have been specific mechanisms to divide us and in such division, be easily polarized and controlled. Equality means then the actual realization of our full potential if we dare to work as equals. For that, Desteni as a group is already proof of that, wherein a single Life Principle can become the driving force that keeps the cohesive stance of each other as equals.

It is only Equality that can prevail in this world.

 

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