Tag Archives: lust

603. Keeping Indulgences Secret

Or how it is easy to not question anything that feels good or positive in our experience instead of seeing to what extent it is affecting ourselves and our relationship to others, in order to understand it and take responsibility for our expression.  

Yesterday I had a revealing dream that most likely got triggered through listening to the audio from Eqafe called Tension in Working Environments – Relationship Success Support and Tension in Normal Environments – Relationship Success Support where there’s a very cool example that I guess women like me can relate to when we express ourselves in a particular manner around people that might be misinterpreted as being flirting or creating some kind of sexual innuendo in our interactions with the opposite sex.

I appreciate the explanations given in such contexts, because I have been ‘there’ myself in wanting to suppress my expression around males and even dressing in a particular way so as to not apparently ‘provoke’ certain experiences in others – instead of realizing that I cannot ever change how another is going to perceive me or how they might interpret my expression and relationship towards them, however there IS a point that I can absolutely take responsibility for, and that is explained in the second one linked above, where I have to keep an eye on how I might be expressing myself through energy, becoming in essence too ‘extroverted’ or ‘too expressive’ around males in order to cover up some kind of inferiority/fear/insecurity that is then ‘compensated’ for through energy. But in my case I discovered how there was something else behind such ‘expressiveness’ many times in my experience towards males before.

What I’ve been testing out in ‘real time’ is precisely deliberately spending time with certain people that I had all kinds of ‘hidden agendas’ towards in relation to creating experiences of desire or attraction towards – and that’s what I’ll explain here which matches as well what emerged in my dream in such a clear and almost ‘scientific experiment’ way that I just cannot ignore the relevance it has to what I have been observing and processing in relation to identifying those aspects of myself, my personalities and experiences where I am holding on to these ‘mind candies’ as I’ve been calling them, anything that gives me a momentary sense of pleasure or I turn into an ‘exciting’ experience.

While I was communicating yesterday about this dream and how I link the situation to identifying ‘my indulgence’ point in life, I realized how normal it had become for me to simply go into these energies before and how it wasn’t even about ‘the people’ themselves that I’d create these energies towards, but how it was all in fact the sheer desire to experience that energy based on the context that I’ll describe now.

So in the dream I would face two males in my life, one that I’ve known in ‘real time’ that I had built or accumulated many ideals around, creating an aura of desire towards that person based on the idea and even image that I wanted to believe they in fact were in order to feed this energetic experience of attraction towards them. What’s interesting is that several times before I proved to myself how I was more ‘infatuated’ with the IDEA and Experience that I would get from the thought of them – such as excitement, desire, fascination, the idea of being liked by the person, the idea of being desired by that person –  that I actually got ‘hooked on’ these thoughts as triggers for these experiences in the same way that an addict would towards drugs.

How did I come to conclude I was in fact hooked on energy rather than the actual person? Because I never really knew the person –or people – as in spending sufficient amount of time with them to truly get to appreciate them at that reality-physical level, which is also clarified based on the explanation on the Eqafe audio as well in terms of being realistic about the time that it takes to truly develop this kind of potentials with people.  It makes sense how I spent probably a couple of years feeding this infatuation in my mind, while merely spending a few hours every now and then with such person in my life – the result? I turned the person into a symbol, an idea of desire, while actually not really wanting to have something to do with the ‘real person.’ Yep, I realized how I was more ‘in love’ if you will with the idea of them that I would trigger within me as a ‘candy-thought’ to create this ‘excitement’ experience of attraction or desire in me about such person – but again, it was never about the person in fact and this was confirmed by my experience in the dream.

In the dream I was talking to this person and I basically went back to the experience I had towards him when I first met him many years ago, and all that mattered to me was that ‘energetic interaction’ that I was experiencing in the dream/while dreaming about the idea that I had of this person, essentially experiencing once again that energy that I got quite hooked on for years on in relation to males as a seemingly ‘acceptable’ and ‘common’ fixation I developed over the years, changing only the person but keeping myself ‘hooked’ on the same attraction or desire that I’d create towards them, which most of the times never consolidated or had any actual physical reality outcome as in having a relationship with any of them – instead I turned people into symbols of desire, attraction, lust within myself for the sake of bringing up these experiences within me, for my own pleasure essentially.

So, in the dream I noticed that I didn’t want to ‘stop dreaming’ or wanted to ‘elongate’ that process of existing in this flirty mode or that perception of being able to ‘seduce’ another – which is really only an experience I have only ever created within myself within the comfortable and seductive idea of ‘having power over’ creating an experience of desire within another towards me – yep, essentially a power game there going on that I’d get hooked on experiencing.

And what went on in a ‘separate’ moment in my dream is having exactly the same process going on where I’d get to meet a person that I never got to in fact meet in person and play out the exactly same ‘energy game’ of attraction, seduction, desire towards them without actually wanting to do something ‘in reality’ towards them other than just get to exist in that prolonged moment of building up the attraction, building up the desire and such kind of exhilaration that can be created with things that can be defined as ‘sexual tension’ and the rest of things that we can create and ‘comfortably’ participate with in our minds.

I was also translating this audio on Eqafe on Embracing Your Mind which assisted me to see how we tend to want to shove aside, hide, suppress anything perceived and felt as bad, negative, awful or emotional experience within ourselves, and in that becoming selective in our relationship to our mind, where we then don’t question the positive experiences, that which feels good, that which we usually want to ‘prolong’ as a ‘nice’ experience within ourselves, and I got to see that quite clearly in my dream how I basically became ‘hooked on’ within those interactions with these two examples of males in my dream and play out the exact same thing with both, so as to see that it had never been in fact about ‘them’ as people that I have created such infatuation, but it in fact was representing my relationship to the ‘positive experience’ I came to associate with all of these energies that I can describe as feelings, as attraction, seduction, pleasure, even in terms of power play which I had come to associate to one of my ‘abilities’ or ‘skills’ towards males.

Lol, here I understand how this can be interpreted and it’s certainly not my intent to enhance these patterns or personality-traits within me at all, it is simply to understand, recognize it, embrace it as the audio explained so that I don’t hold now a relationship of embarrassment or shame to what I’ve ‘comfortably’ played out many times throughout my life – and possibly beyond this life as well.

I also find it interesting that in these past couple of weeks I’ve been talking precisely about this ‘misinterpretation’ with a female friend of mine, of how certain males will react to our expression as females and how it is entirely up to us to ensure we are not giving the ‘wrong idea’ towards them in relation to who we are and how we stand towards them.  And It was cool to find out how she’s experienced very similar experiences to the ones I’ve had in my life as well, and where we both had to admit that yeah there was also this attachment to ‘feeling good’ about in a sense being able to flirt and create this momentary ‘excitement’ about the ‘possibilities’ that open up when developing such communication with another person, and how that eventually leads to take on the ‘next steps’ for example into creating a relationship, and eventually how that energy only lasts so long to the point that all that remains is the ‘shadow of the energy’ as a desire that one then realizes had nothing to do with the actual person themselves, but it really only was all about our individual energetic reaction to those moments where we get to first meet someone and deliberately create these energetic reactions as attraction, desire, lust, flirting and with that wrapping ourselves up into an overall experience of excitement that we then go seeking out everywhere we can, as in moving to a ‘new prey’ so to speak, just like vampires seeking energy. It becomes a ‘way of living’ in terms of turning others as objects of desire and ourselves as ‘desirable’ to others that we want to establish this kind of ‘connection’ with, which is of course the point to change here and take responsibility for within myself.

It was interesting because as I was sharing about these points with her, I realized that I was verbalizing my own solution to this ‘secret’ indulgence of mine that I had for the most part not really exposed or explained to anyone else, because a part of me wanted to hold on to it, which is a tendency we all have in relation to anything ‘positive’ in our minds. So as it is explained in the Eqafe audio, we were conditioned to not question and welcome all sorts of positive experiences, and do the opposite with all things negative. Therefore now that I see to what extent this energetic ‘pull’ exists within me, I realize the importance of developing an actual sense of honor, respect and stability when seeing that I am wanting to ‘recreate’ this positive-experience in relation to males in particular and keep myself grounded so as to not be deliberately going into energy as in building up any form of excitement or ‘attraction’ or ‘desire’ experience that can be seen by others and then interpreted as ‘something else’ which usually is interpreted in sexual or relationship terms.

And it’s interesting how I had become very vocal in criticizing females that would kind of deliberately place themselves as ‘sex symbols’ or deliberately wanting to evoke certain reactions in the opposite sex, and in that I realized how I had been also participating in the same kind of patterns in a different way, in a more concealed manner, but still the same energetic experience exists in that kind of ‘flirtatious’ escapades that I’ve had towards males in particular.

It’s also very cool to be able to discuss this with someone and have several references of how people experience this kind of ‘positive feelings’ in relation to for example pornography, something that I had created a righteousness about because of ‘not indulging into porn’ however, when looking at the actual experience one gets ‘hooked on’ in relation to anything that we use to stimulate these positive experiences in ourselves, it really is only a secondary thing to look at what or who we are turning into an object or image or idea that elicits this ‘positive experience’ within ourselves – it really becomes all about giving up and deciding to no longer try and ‘go into’ these positive experiences, trying to create our ‘mind candy’ as I call it which airs  essentially the cocktail of ‘feel good’ experiences I’ve merely come to define as excitement, desire, lust, attraction, power plays in relation to males – but in essence, it’s not even about people themselves, but my idea and experience created towards them which are all self-created.

My decision is then to build a foundation of self respect, honor and consideration not only towards myself, my body, my mind but also in how I relate to other people, specially males for all the reasons described above, where I have been proving to myself that I am able to talk to, relate and communicate with them and deliberately ‘not going there’ in terms of turning on the flirtatious design or experience, which means not communicate or interact through energy, but remain stable yet expressive, which is really all a decision in every moment to ‘not indulge,’ to ‘not go there’ and instead practice that stability in my experience while communicating and interacting with males, which I’ve also proven to myself is entirely possible and enjoyable in a different way, where there’s more of a sense of satisfaction in my case for the depth that I can create with another based on actual communication, than just creating an ‘energy-game’ towards them.

It did in a way bother me that I had such dream that I described above, in a way I felt like failing at being able to in my dream apply myself and stop seeking to recreate such ‘feel good’ flirtatious experiences. However I realize that this would be me being short-sighted about the extent to which I have in fact existed in this mindset, which is probably as far as I can remember existing, meaning, it has become ‘me’ to such an extent that it is only now that I am in fact deciding to open it up and take it on, because of its ‘positive nature.’ It definitely had become an aspect of self-definition that I was holding on to as a ‘little piece of heaven’ I could keep for myself – lol – but it’s in fact not cool at all to exist like that.

In this it does imply cutting myself off from supplying myself with these ‘feel good’ experiences which is entirely possible by me not ‘going into it’, not ‘going there’ whenever I see that I would usually just ‘automatically’ do it in the past. It is possible and I’ve tested it a few times already. Therefore what I see came up in my dream is to become aware of how I am still keeping it at a deep level within me as something I want to hold on to, to keep secret, to not ‘admit’ as a pattern that has dominated my life for so long, which is why I am also writing, sharing and talking about it to understand it, to see who I am in it and in doing so, placing it in my awareness to such an extent that I cannot any longer just ‘sweep it under the rug’ and continue deceiving myself about it – now I actively decide to change myself in relation to it.

As I was talking to someone about it, they explained how it is so that we cannot change this ‘high’ energy into something else, because it’s just like deciding to giving up drugs where you essentially have to learn to live without such ‘high’ or ‘buzz’ that the drugs give you at an energetic level – and it’s definitely so, it’s no different to how I have to now go about this in my mind, saying ‘no’ to wanting to create these ‘good feelings’ and take responsibility for my expression, and not seeing this as a ‘loss’ at all, but instead I see that it’s actually cool to be able to build this actual communication or understanding with others without the need to bring up any ‘feelings’ for it or turn it into a mind-game.

Here also taking into consideration how many times I have in fact caused consequences that I only later got to know based on this pattern of interaction with males, where in creating these energetic experiences ‘towards them,’ I’d then in fact give ‘mixed signals’ that would then leave them confused or angry at myself for not being ‘clear’ on what my intent was… and the reality is that I was in it all just for the momentary experience and only a few times did I ever really consider an actual relationship with people, so that’s something I have to take responsibility for in terms of measuring my expression so as to not create consequences in others as well – of course, I cannot control them all, but I can sure do my part to ensure I am clear at all times.

That means that  I do my part when it comes to these interactions in not ‘opening any doors’ to misinterpretation through going into energy when communicating with others, but remain stable, clear in my expression and still be expressive and outgoing as I usually am, but there is a distinctive difference when I know I am going into these ‘same old patterns’ and when I am actually ‘empty’ or devoid of any ‘good feelings’ while communicating with others, where I can genuinely stand in equality with the person, not reducing them any longer as a potential source to trigger or elicit ‘positive feelings’ within me, which is really not cool in terms of considering another being in the totality of who they are, and in that I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reduce ourselves as males and females as beings that would ‘normally’ desire each other or turn any point of expression and communication into sex and relationships, which is the same as reducing myself and others as mere objects of desire, which is not how I want to continue living and seeing fellow beings as.

Here I commit myself to honor, respect and consider myself and others in being able to establish clarity and consistency in my communication with other males, being able to remind myself that I hold a point of responsibility in how I behave, and if necessary be able to explain ‘where I stand’ towards them so as to not give room to interpretations, which I’ve found actually quite supportive to do in order to ‘clear up any confusion’ in such situations and that actually assists to delineate or define my relationships to males in terms of support and/or friendship.

Ok, so that’s the point for me to continue working on, I am grateful for the dreams, for the support that is opened up through Eqafe in order to look at what I can change about myself in relation to these patterns and in essence for once and for all stop my indulgence into these ‘feel good’ patterns that I had so comfortably become.

Thanks for reading.

 

If you have a dream you’d like to have some perspectives on in order to understand how to work with it, I recommend requesting a Dream Reading on Eqafe.com, I have been able to walk through some very bizarre dreams to understand what they meant at levels of my mind that I’m not yet aware of.

 

Secret Indulgence

 

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477. Physical Attraction

Or how to stop the objectification of ourselves as images to generate any form of mental experience.

 

A timely topic emerged today in a group discussion about physical attraction in relation to other people, how to face it, understand it and walk through it to a point of self-honesty.

So the basics are that yes, such reactions to a physical appearance as an image is a mind-stimulation based on preferences, in essence programming, that one has to essentially let go of and stop participating in to focus on who the being really is, the equality that such person is in fact in relation to us: another human being just like ourselves.

This indicates that whichever experience we have ‘about them’ is not really ‘about them,’ but entirely about ourselves and how we are judging, valuing and assessing a person through our minds with values, perspectives, preferences which is also a gift that we can use to see where and how we have separated ourselves from a particular person based on those values and judgments imposed onto the exterior appearance of our perfectly equal in substance physical bodies.

One point that emerged in the discussion shared by Matti that I had not considered is how this participation in physical attraction as in either desiring a person for ‘how they look’ or creating fantasies around them and oneself in a relationship or some other type of intimate interaction, is no different to watching porn, where one is essentially stimulating oneself in one’s mind based on an image, an idea, a set of pixels of a particular person that we then ‘possess’ ourselves with in our minds, diminishing that very real and physical human being into an object that we crave, desire and lust around as if ‘this being’ was meant to be a source of pleasure for us… obviously this is not common sensical.

It is in fact self-abusive to be diminishing each other as objects and a point I also reflected upon when discussing this with my partner is how many times I can get ‘offended’ if anyone would show such participation of ‘physical attraction’ towards me or anyone else, which I wasn’t directly taking back to myself and realizing how I was and have done the exact same thing upon people, creating ‘attractions’ and desires based on looks, no matter how ‘close’ that person is to me or how ‘far away’ they seemingly are – as in movie stars, musicians or regular people I can see walking on the streets = doesn’t matter ‘who’ we do it towards, really, what matters is how I have been co-participating in the reduction of an actual living human being – a being that is actually also myself as well – into a picture that I can abstract into my mind and ‘own’ or ‘fantasize’ about in order to create a particular seemingly ‘positive’ experience in me. This is definitely not at all the kind of relationships I want to stand by or create with people, not with the ones ‘close’ to me nor with anyone else.

So, just as my partner said how the ability to ‘get offended’ implies we are doing the exact same in some way in our lives, it then clicked to me that I have done that exact same thing, showing  ‘disgust’ for people that lust on others –specially males on females – yet, not seeing or wanting to accept that I have done the exact same thing towards males and have not questioned it at all, but seeing it as something ‘very normal’.

This proves again how whenever I see myself holding a judgment about someone and feel ‘righteous’ about it, I need to stop myself and open up that point for me, to see what am I missing out that exists in me, that I am actively participating on as well yet diminishing it, deceiving myself in thinking that ‘it is not that important’ to look at, dismissing the fact that it is most often than not these seemingly ‘little aspects’ of ourselves that hold the most patterns, tendencies and dishonesty in ourselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a convenience in seeing the abuse that happens in the form of physical attraction and the desire, fantasies and illusions that one can generate  with or about another’s ‘physical image’ for the sake of creating a ‘positive’ – or negative – energetic experience as something ‘normal’ or ‘common’  and never really equating it to it being the exact same mechanism as with watching porn or deliberately ‘lusting’ about another’s physical appearance or fixations at any level, because in doing so it is no different to reducing the image of a person as a trigger of a positive experience in me, which is in fact no different to how porn functions as well, reducing human physical bodies to a source of an energetic experience where we are not actually considering the beings, the people themselves, but only get fixated into one’s own pleasure and experience triggered by a picture in our minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have been offended whenever I became aware of a person denoting an attraction towards a physical body, specially males upon women or upon myself, where I would become enraged for being ‘objectified’ as a source of lust for another individual – though never really being self-honest in realizing how I have done the exact same thing about males in my mind, just ‘painting it’ with a brush of complacency, considering it is something innocent and not-harmful, when in fact this very participation in an energetic experience towards another person is me replicating the exact same mechanisms in which one of the biggest obsessions and addictions in this world function: porn, nothing else but translating an image into a source of addictions, fixations, seemingly ‘positive experiences’ where we go slowly but surely dislocating ourselves from our very own one and equal nature to those beings/people that we are using as a source of apparent ‘satisfaction’ at a mind level, because this can for sure never be a genuine source of ‘satisfaction’ to begin with.

Therefore I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to minimize my relationship to the image of other people as a form of ‘attraction’ as something ‘non-consequential, very small and controllable, not much of a big deal’ – instead of seeing directly how it accumulates and escalates to a point of obsessions, fixations and addictions based on a constant participation in the thought, fantasy or illusion experience ‘with the image’ of another person, which means I am not taking ‘them’ into consideration at all in that moment, but only the creation of a ‘good feeling’ within me that is entirely created by myself, in my own mind and has nothing to do with me considering them, as physical beings, as equals to myself which means by default, I should not be creating an energetic experience and relationship towards them, because that in itself already indicates that the whole starting point of who I am in relation to them is still completely filtered through the mind, through my preferences as likes and dislikes, through my own programming based on what I have been storing in my head as ‘ideas of beauty’ or ‘handsomeness’ based on the kind of pictures I used to see while growing up as a child, the kinds and types of people that ‘I grew a taste for’ and not questioning this programming for what it is, but allowing myself to actually play out on my desires and seek for ‘matches’ in this kind of relationship-scenarios that I also built as an ideal in my mind, not considering at all who the other person really is and what they are really all about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having taken a haughty position or superior position in believing that I was ‘better than’ others for not participating in watching porn for example, yet not really investigating and seeing or wanting to admit how I am participating in the exact same principle when taking someone’s physical body image and use it as a source of personal amusement, fantasy, ideals, desires and day dreaming that I had not  questioned because of diminishing it to something seemingly ‘not that important’ or ‘under control’ for me, that would seemingly ‘not harm anyone’ – but, over time and little by little, the only person that it affects is oneself when not being able to in fact ‘be in control’ of those experiences but instead be dominated by them which then takes a serious process of diligently dissecting and redirecting each experience, each fantasy, each ‘dream’ that we create in our minds related to that one image of a person, to see what of ourselves is trapped in this experience of desire towards another and so make a decision, who do I want to be in relation to that person?

In this I commit myself to honor myself by living the solution to end the objectification of ourselves as human beings and consequently of porn or any other source of stimulation based on images – this is by stopping doing this myself, no matter ‘who’ the person is that I have in my mind – or object or situation – I have to focus on physical reality, on what is here, tangibly, and I have to honor and respect fellow human beings by seeing them for who and what they are as equals, as fellow beings, fellow ‘me’s’ that I cannot reduce to being a source of personal entertainment, because I certainly would not like to be ‘that’ kind of infatuation or source of mental stimulation for another – therefore I have to be the one that stops it absolutely within myself, no matter ‘how small’ or how seemingly ‘innocent’ this process of fantasizing is about, the key is to let go entirely of all mental stimulation and instead, focus on getting to see the beings for what they are, who they are, getting to know and appreciate them for the substance that they are in themselves. This applies not only to people we might already be related to in one way or another, but also with strangers as well, to see beyond the immediate veils and always focus on what’s in the inside. That’s where the real ‘meat’ is in fact, not on the outside, not on the images, values and perceptions we can create about another’s image and presentation.

As an extra note, it speaks volumes of ourselves in the way that we decide to SEE others: do we decide to turn them into objects of our fascination and infatuation? Or do we decide to learn to see through the immediate picture and into them, into who they really are as beings, to see who they are in their words and how congruent that is with their actions. The same being applied back to ourselves of course, how much are we focusing on how we look, dress, how we want to ‘appear’ to others out there, because what we are and by the laws that we live by in our own being, we recreate out there in multiple forms and ways, therefore, hereby I make a decision to stop fixating on an external picture – no matter of who or what or at ‘what level’ – and focus on the substance that is in each being or expression that is here, in fact being one and equal with myself.

Thanks for reading.

 

Supportive material:

 

Live Drawing 2007

 

Learn how to Be Free of Fixations

 


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