Tag Archives: madness

229. Not Understanding the Mind leads to Insanity

Self-Addiction to Emotions and Feelings as ‘Who We Are’ = Self Interest

Elitist Character: Mental Disorders Hide us From Self Responsibility – Self Forgiveness and Self Corrective Application

220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

 

 

“the Mind/Energy will ‘fight’ for its Polarities, its relationships, its For/Against definitions, because in this process – it maintains friction/conflict, which is what fuel the existence of the Mind, which is what fuels the existence of this very World System, which fuels the attention-diversion/distraction of the Majority of Humanity to be preoccupied in Polarities, Polarity definitions, fuelling separation “divide and conquer” – while the Minority Elite take the reins of Humanity/life on earth – cause no-one is willing to give-up/let go of their Polarity, their Personality Definitions and actually UNDERSTAND ALL THINGS and align them into and as equal and one Solutions for ALL.” – Sunette Spies*

 

Self Forgiveness on who I shaped myself to be as my emotions and feelings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept the energy of friction and conflict as ‘who I am’ within my mind without realizing that it was a part of me that I believed I had a ‘right’ to exist as, because: it is coming from me, it must be me – and in this abdicate my very first awareness to the thoughts in my mind as ‘who I am’ and ‘what I am,’ and from that moment on, losing any perspective to question my thoughts and experiences coming up in the mind and felt in my physical body, but instead simply continued to believe that this inner experience of friction and conflict had a reason’ to be inside me and such, begin defining ‘who I am’ according to my mind, the nature of my thoughts, how I experienced myself as thoughts, emotions and feelings wherein my attention then centralized and focused on Me, My Mind, How I feel, beginning to neglect the rest of the beings and reality in itself just because of being focused on ‘who I am as the mind,’ missing out even the reality of myself as my own physical body within this mind-mode.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually use and fuel my own self conversations as a form of entertainment and re-assuring that ‘I am this mind,’ because the process of identifying myself ‘as my mind’ became solid as a child and as such, having this be confirmed by people around me when they started to identify me with a certain character like being ‘angry’ or ‘too aloof’ or ‘too conflictive’ or spoiled, which lead me to continue growing up believing that there was a ‘problem’ within me and that I was not normal/ not as other kids because of having this inner-conflict within me of any kind really,  that I could not ‘sort out’ but believe that ‘this is who I am/ I was born like this/ there is no solution’ – within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that this friction and conflict is something that defines me and that I would have to bear with the rest of my life, that there was no questions about it and that I would most likely end up like the adults, being able to ignite in extreme anger in one moment and not be able to stop, which indicates how I became aware of emotions as the aspect I resonated more with, which became a point of identification just because of what I had been exposed to in my reality as a child, which then defined ‘who I am’ according to these surges of anger  and distress that I would experience but was not able to solve within myself, therefore accepting these surges of energy as incontrollable/ unstoppable and ‘who I am,’ which is how I have come to accept the totality of the mind as myself without a question.

 

I realize that yes, the mind represents everything that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves from as ‘our nature’ as humanity which is not of harmony or completion or stability or benevolence, but, of actual evil as the reverse of life as all aspects of separation that we accepted and allowed ourselves to become. This is how I realize that I accepted conflict as a ‘problem’ within myself – just as any other human being – and that due to not knowing how others would also experience themselves, I created a point of specialness as in having some form of ‘anomaly’ for having these ups and down experiences which I identified as being actions that only ‘crazy people’ would have/ experience, eventually wearing the tag as a way to justify my inner conflict and even take proud of that because in one way or another, I was justifying my own personality as ‘special’ and ‘unique’ for having this ways of being which I actually fooled/ kid myself to believe I had no control of, when in fact as I review  such moments, I realize I absolutely was aware of what I was doing and how what I did was a deliberate point of causing and instigating conflict within myself as entertainment and others, because it just felt ‘good.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use friction and conflict within me as a point of self-infatuation and entertainment wherein I began only focusing on ‘How I felt’ in every moment wherein I was given the option to ‘feel good’ or ‘feel bad’ and define everything in my life according to likes and dislikes that became points/  aspects of self identification by people in my environment as ‘who I am,’ and within this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because people were okay with having things that they like and dislike or specific characteristics/ moods/ preferences, I was able to then do the same and seek the most unique ways to exist in comparison to them, which is how everything that I perceived as ‘normal’ around me, became my standing point to define myself as everything that I would be ‘against’ to, without realizing that it was never ‘Me’ as a physical being living at all, but just existing as a mind that would lead to define oneself according to standing ‘against’ the majority, standing against/ opposing one’s “normal-environment,” only for the purpose to have a way to stand as a ‘different’ or ‘authentic’ personality defined in opposition to others, and in this only fueling and supporting the separation, the friction and conflict that ensued from that moment on in my life,  wherein

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to within this identification of who I am as the mind, I defined ‘who I am’ according to being ‘the opposite’ to what my family and peers at school represented, and as such, build  my own specialness and security within these definitions at a mind level, which only lead me to every time seek to upgrade my ‘personality’ and preferences, characteristics as a way to not only then antagonize my family or people at school, but the world system in itself in a spiteful mode that I took on toward everything and everyone, without realizing that everything that I spiting at all times was only myself when and while neglecting my very own physical body and the substance that I am as life, using it to power and fuel my  mindfucks, literally, which is unacceptable – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept this culture of ‘personality cultivation’ and creation based on defining me as a particular character with preferences and temperament as all the thoughts, beliefs, ideas and opinions I started creating as ‘my point of view’/ my way of being, without realizing that every single definition that I took on as myself became just another way to define myself As something that would invariably stand within one pole that would create friction/ conflict/ react to the opposite pole as another definition to which I would invariably react to, as I had to somehow ‘defend’ myself as My definition whenever the opposite would present itself in my reality.

I realize that I always had one moment before reacting wherein I would actually decide to ‘role play’ my part and react to that which I was supposed to react to based on my preferences, my personality and that which I defined would make me ‘angry’ or ‘mad’ or happy or sad or excited based on the preferences and personality that I began cultivating as a child as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘fill the character’ that I became by my own apparent ‘will’ to do so, and do, react, say and speak the way that I had built myself to be, do, act and speak like, within this complying to the social norm of becoming a character that is predictable and would react against/ oppose or like that which is defined as the oppostite polarity of myself. Within this also,

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘follow through’ with my own script throughout the years and continue fulfilling the reactive character every time that I was almost expected to ‘fulfill the character,’ which is how I realized that the personalities that I created were mostly  ‘a show’ for others, a way to stand in self-importance, specialness, uniqueness and in that learned to only focus on my self, fulfill myself, react when I was expect to do and never question again this as something that could be stopped, because, I had already ‘gotten married’ with the idea of myself/ gotten too much into character, which then became a Lie I had to follow through with and eventually it integrated fully as ‘who I am’ over the years and that was it. I believed that I could not ‘change me’ and stop participating in the character because of the fear of ‘who would I be without it,’ not realizing that the only thing that fears stopping self definitions is the mind, not who we really as as a physical body that is actually being abused and neglected throughout our developmental processes in the mind wherein we are only focused on cultivating our characters and self-experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that the inner conflict experienced would always be with me and that I would grow up to be as angry/ neurotic as the adults I was aware of in the family, and that I would end up being somehow sick and with some form of mental problem or disorder as well as an emotional problem – such as chronic depression or constant worry and stress – without ever really having investigated how this all was just part of me having identified myself with my thoughts, feelings and emotions as ‘who I am’ as well as adopting the ‘ways of being’ from the characters around me in the family/ society, and as such, believing that I had something ‘wrong’ within me because the inner conflict would not go away – hence believing that I was invariably going to have a ‘disease/ sickness/ mental problem’ at a later stage in life – hence

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize to what extent there is ignorance in humanity with regards to the nature of how the mind works, wherein one single energetic experience was perceived as something utterly ‘wrong,’ or a malfunction, anomaly or disease because of how we’ve programmed ourselves to believe that what we see on TV or as the façade of each other as ‘harmonious,’ ‘happy’ and naturally joyful beings was in fact ‘real’ and had to be ‘who we are,’ without realizing it is a masquerade to hide the actual fear, stress, depression that is experienced within, as that is the nature we have all accepted and allowed ourselves to be and become as the mind, fueling this constant belief that we have to ‘keep up with the positive’ while all the time we experience this inner-conflict when participating in thoughts, feelings and emotions that veered toward the opposite and no matter how we categorize our experiences as positive or negative, they all represent a point of conflict which indicates energy which is of the mind and as such, able to be stopped and self corrected as a point of Self Responsibility.

 

I realize that this  ‘incongruence’ of my inner experience and the outer experience I was supposed to present, created a rift within myself believing that ‘there was something wrong with me,’ and this mostly being talked about in the media as mental disorders and being depressed or having low self esteem, being addicted to a form of self-abuse, belittlement and all of that which was considered as a mental problem/ a Grave problem, which I then kept quiet about and kept a well placed façade of ‘everything is fine, I am perfectly normal,’ even within my dissident/ antagonist characters, but ‘normal,’ and such, veering toward other ways to ‘make sense’ of my inner conflict, leading me nowhere but further confusion and relationships that supported this inner conflict, which became the focus on my life, trying to make sense of it through others, through living the lives of others and avoiding looking at my own, becoming friends with and having relationships that I thought I could use as a way to sort out my own inner conflict through others, instead of focusing on my own and within this, only aggravating the inner conflict that I kept for myself all the time, out of fear of actually having to ‘ask for help.’  Within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to label these energetic experiences as ‘mental disorders’ to that are in fact the ‘normal’ workings of the mind within how it  operates and understanding that for that matter, all human beings could be labeled as having some ‘mental disorder’ because The Mind in itself works through friction and conflict that we perceive as our emotions and feelings and thoughts, inner conversations, backchat – therefore there was not going to be in any way a ‘mental health’ or stability possible as long as we would seek only to make people ‘happy’ and ‘positive’ and get their ‘motivation’ back up, which is why and how I always resisted having any support because it seemed to phony to just veer to the positive and ‘be happy’ while the reality that I was witnessing, was nothing but happy for everyone, was nothing but harmonious wherein I would witness a world that was existing in constant fights and problems with money, politicians, poverty, wars and all of this only meaning to me one thing: this world is crazy and so am I, within this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse of ‘the state of the world’ as a way to justify my experience as being ad hoc to the state of the world – madness, instability, depressio, crisis – hence the entire characterization of ‘the sensitive being’ that reacts to what others apparently would not see, and in this becoming even more self absorbed in my own emotional experiences about the world, linking that to ‘art’ and ending up victimizing myself, believing that ‘there is no way out, it’s the devil’s way now’ which is how I see obviously even the music that I would hear would support this entire ‘depressed’ character not because I was not being supported to live – that’s why it is the elitist character, because I was not suffering a physical life of Lack of money/ health/ poverty or abuse – but I was only focusing on cultivating these emotions and ‘sensitivity’ to the world as a point of self interest, because of having learned how ‘artists were sensible beings’ and I actually made people accept me as ‘different’ due to this so-called ‘sensitivity’ and ‘specialness’ that I built in within myself, getting completely in this character that was probably even ‘allowed’ to be alone, isolated, depressed because of the same character of which I also expected to make a ‘name’ of myself for,  and justify my non-compliance to the system as well as defending my ‘point of view’ to not even attempt to create a change within the system itself – in essence: the ultimate justification to Not stand up for my life and the life of this world in equality.

 

All the time that I only cultivated my personality, my inner conflict, my dissatisfaction with life, my helplessness, my worry, my concern, my sadness toward the world, my depression, my confusion about people, my judgmental experiences of opposition toward ‘the world system,’ my desires to just ‘fly away’ and be out of the system, desires to expose the ‘ugly through something beautiful’ in some form of expression were again only actions, words cultivating a character within me, wherein I was not actually willing to investigate my self-experience, my mind and How I had created it, but only ‘get the most of it’ and making it into an acceptable character in society which is why I veered toward arts/ humanitarian studies and ‘dissed’ my apparent potential to become something else because of getting into this ‘sentimental character’ that was apparently my ‘humane’ aspect to cultivate as ‘my real personality’ – thus

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to cultivate my emotions  in order to be on the side of those that were ‘alive’ and could see the world and be sad about it and depressed and feel ‘misunderstood,’ which became really just another self-interest game where I would only remain as a victim, living in constant drama and this belief of there being something ‘wrong’ within me because of not being ‘happy’ and ‘joyful’ naturally – without realizing that:

I had never in fact understood how the mind functioned and how even if I was addicted to feeling sad, sorry for myself, depressed and victimized all the way, is still the same as fixating on everything that is positive, happy and joyful that I criticized extensively in the past, which proves the ignorance toward our own mind wherein we believe that we are somehow being more ‘responsible’ for being sad/ gloomy/ angry at the world when it is just another way to focus on our own experience and not really at all looking at the world and realizing that there are solutions required that will not be solved with us ‘feeling bad’ about it, that’s just blatant self-interest and an actual defense mechanism to not become a sound being that can stand in the face of reality and take absolute self responsibility for ourselves/ the world here as breath, which is what I have realized within this process: we cannot sustain this self-interested experiences of ups and downs and seeking happiness or being subsumed in depressions- which is the same thing – but actually stop participating in all forms of energetic experiences and focus on integrating ourselves to our physical body here as breath, that does Not require to have a particular ‘stance’ toward the world as an experiencing ourselves to do, be, say and act toward what’s best for all.

 

I commit myself to expose how our energetic fixations of the mind as desires, wants and needs – as well as rejections, denials, suppressions – represent the ‘who we are’ as the mind that functions through energy, which is who we have become as consciousness and within this, exposing how we have diminished ourselves in the physical to these limited characters that fight and define one against the other with no ability to actually create solutions, stand up for that which matters, because we are so busy trying to sort out our inner experiences, without even looking at the consequences that are ensuing from such self-experience as a drug of the mind. And so

 

I commit myself to stop any mind fixation within me either perceived as positive or negative and any participation in the self-definition of who I have been as a point of  preference or habit in order to finally be able to stand as  a sound stable physical being that can be effective to be self directive, self-motivated to establish solutions in this world and stop wallowing in any form of self experience as the result of seeing ‘the state of the world’ as that is only but a mechanism of defense to continue existing as a mind that ‘feels’ and ‘becomes emotional’ but establishes no solutions to the problems we’ve created, which is our responsibility at all times.

 

I commit myself to expose how our ‘mental instability’ is nothing ‘out of this world,’ but the mechanism of how the mind works and for this, realizing that reducing ourselves to have some form of ‘mental instability’ is the ultimate self-incapacitation in order to believe that we are not ‘strong enough’ or ‘good enough’ or ‘capable enough’ to stand up to create solutions in this world.

 

I realize that the moment we focus on our mind problems/ inner experience, we absolutely miss out the reality that is here and this is how it is imperative for all of us to get to a point of constancy and consistency as the stability that we are able to all live by here as Breath, as life in the physical, so that we no longer get distracted by our energy fixes of the mind as ‘problems’ and ‘instabilities’ that are self created just as another attention diversion aspect within our worlds.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is only possible for us people that have enough food to eat, a place to live and education to be focusing on this ‘inner experience’ due to having ‘more time’ to spend wondering in the mind instead of being physically working and participating in activities that are related to actually contributing to life on Earth. This is how depression and any other form of mental instability that can be identified as ‘mental disorder’ hence an apparent  “drug-required disease,” is just another way to make money for the pharmaceutical companies that use this ‘weakness’ within the human mind in a capitalist world to believe that emotions and feelings are a disease that can be controlled or healed with chemicals/drugs, instead of actually investigating one’s life to see how these ‘disorders’ were entirely self created, accepted and allowed and as such take responsibility for them, in order to not only correct oneself in one’s living and physical stability, but also to support establishing conditions in this world through education and the necessary changes in the entire system so that whichever system-deficiency is able to be identified as a problem that propitiates this mental problems, we create a solution for, which implies the implementation of the Equal Money System to ensure that people are no longer subject to a survival mode that feeds this inner conflict of the mind, but instead we are able to focus on re-establishing our living conditions to that which is optimal and supportive to be Living in this world as physical beings and no longer existing of/ as friction and conflict in the mind, feeding each other’s mind-realities and instead, support each other to ground ourselves as the physical, stop living as characters and work together to create a world that is based on life in equality.

 

— I will continue with looking at how these energetic experiences of the mind as emotions and feelings causing inner conflict, were reduced to being ‘mental disorders’ of the mind wherein we made an illness of something that is each individual’s point of self responsibility to correct, stop and align to the physical living wherein the focus must always be to stand as beings that support life in Equality with All – and within this, for once and for all, stop supporting each other’s inner-instabilities as ‘who we are’ and dare to call that a human crisis instead of a human problem caused by ourselves and resolved by ourselves individually.

Desteni Forum 

Desteni Lite ProcessFree Course of Self Support

Desteni I Process

Equal Money System

Desteni 

Journey to Life Blogs

 

 

Emotions and Feelings are Self Interest – Stop the Self-Addiction

 

Educate Yourself about How your Mind Operates:

Blogs:

 

Interviews to Step out of the Mind and realize the opportunity and responsibility we hold toward ourselves/ each other to create a world that is livable for all:

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221. Insanity as a Fear turned into Fascination

Continuing with: 220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

First point: How did I come to link Drug Culture with Mad people as a point of fascination?

– Personal Story/ Characterization of the Black Sheep/Crazy person that supports Crazy People:

By Fascination I mean something that intrigues you, something that you cannot be certain of but containing ‘something’ that is mostly not broadly understood, acceptable, comprehensible, normal and having no ‘cure’ for it. And all of this formed part of all the various mysteries that I would always be fascinated to talk about, which is like a generational thing: all things occult, paranormal, mysterious, extraterrestrial, inexplicable events, myths and whatever it is that would cause me a point of Fascination as an energetic experience that I can describe as Adrenaline.  Where does adrenaline come from? Fear.

Yesterday I wrote that I didn’t quite know where this fascination comes from, so I got a perspective on how it was simply a point of Fear that I had turned into a fascination. I definitely see the point as there was an energetic movement that I realized I had to walk through first in order to be able to tell the story, walk the Self Forgiveness without holding onto the Experience that I imprinted on all these memories. Even the drawing I placed on yesterday’s post indicated the way to follow up: I fear going insane – which is a real thought in my mind that has existed at times and I bet that all human beings have had this thought at some point in their lives. To me such fear indicated how the moment I could not make sense of insanity, I turned it into a fascination, which is a very simple polarity mechanism of the mind to turn love into hate and vice versa, all for the sake of creating a relationship of conflict toward something/ someone. That insanity became what I realized would be linked to a sense of freedom – e.g. when I was a kid and ‘act all crazy’ and how I would have fun for causing a shock to my family, I mean this was quite a common way for me to behave, lol, and it was all because of the energetic experience. 

It was exactly a month ago that I began gathering information about this topic and so I got several points listed related to insanity/ drugs as a point of self definition. Therefore, this will be quite a ride since I can see a lot of the personality I had become was linked to this and may still be seeping through at times.

 

Hence this entire topic will be divided in two: Insanity and Drug Culture.

– I begin with insanity and my childhood years.

When I was a child, I would go into extreme temper tantrums, I’ve explained this before when talking about anger, getting possessed to the point wherein I would vibrate my whole body and I absolutely get till this day this chilling sensation on the left arm when recalling the energy and pain in the back of my head, occipital point right side. So, what comes up to mind is that when I would possess myself within these tantrums, I would mostly end up being alone in what was then my parent’s room and my mother would come in and be all angry at me for being throwing a tantrum,  I remember her eyes being absolutely wide open and then saying something along the lines of me being really crazy for being possessed with such anger/ in such tantrum. So, this word was connected to this shock that I would put myself into within this anger possession and her calling me crazy would only fuel this entire possession like a spiteful mode of ‘Oh you’re calling me crazy eh? well here we go, I’ll get as crazy as I can’ and so end up really just crying my heart out and feeling my body just go into this absolute energetic possession wherein I would feel every single part of my body going into a frenzy, anger in the utmost expression’ – I would only take this to a certain point because: I feared dying. Yes, I feared that my heart would stop and I would get a heart attack for tensing up my body that much, so I would only calm myself down out of guilt for what I realized I was doing to my body, I could feel what a draining experience it was for it and so I would stop out of regret, shame and feeling overall miserable and sad toward myself and ‘asking forgiveness’ to my body at the end, regretting the whole act, but not learning from it as I would then repeat the same some other times…  I would be alone when all of this would happen since my mother or father would mostly close the door after themselves whenever I was in such a state of possession. All of this I’m pretty sure would happen when I was 5, 6 or 7.  And this is as far as I can see I linked insanity with fear due to my anger possessions.

Later on whenever we would see ‘crazy people’ like vagrants on the street, my mother would take me by the hand and walk across the street or deliberately change our path/way to not go directly past the ‘crazy person.’ She was afraid of them and so I obviously picked up the fear toward them, ending up fearing being called crazy person, like them  – initially – which later on turned into the opposite point.

 

Another aspect is how whenever I would be exalted/ angry for any little thing in my world – listen to the short fused life review to listen to what I would mostly go through my life – my mother would have this joking-way of dealing with me and so she would start patting my back, caressing my back but she said something about such movement been done to ‘calm crazy people when going through an attack’ – and so I would then dislike her doing that because of her then doing it within the starting point of calling me ‘crazy’ and as such, being considered a ‘crazy person’ which I feared/ disliked. I took it absolutely personal and too serious so I would react to her in further anger whenever she tried to touch me again when I was angry.

The same situation would happen with my father, whenever he was absolutely angry and my mother would try and calm him down. What happens in this situation is that one is so possessed with anger that someone kind of making fun of your experience or ‘not taking it seriously’ = not ‘buying’ and in a way not supporting the mind’s tantrum, only fueled the anger because us in the mind is like ‘come on you have to get all fearful because I am Angry!’ – just like demons instigating deliberate fear around the people that are in the presence of a demon possession, which is what I’ve learned from the recent interviews by MyKey Demons in the Afterlife.  So, I essentially would do the same he did until my mother would not handle it and end up reacting in anger as well.  And so I would exacerbate the anger even further, until I would decide that I had been angry enough time for the day.

 

And so this ‘crazy’ person point became a relationship within myself toward my mother mostly wherein I would later on try and prove that I was ‘in fact’ crazy for liking, saying, doing the things I would do, which weren’t real shocking but always containing some form of instigation toward a reaction, as I would feed off from her reactions toward my actions, way of behaving, doing, living, preferences, etc. just the deliberate process of creating a point of conflict within her wherein I would get a kick out of ‘not following her ways’ and becoming that which I thought she feared me becoming.

Now things have changed obviously as I’ve walked my process and realized more and more how my relationship toward here was based on this antagonism to create a point of conflict within her and myself. Till this day she calls me loca as a nickname, which is only a remnant of everything that I lived out in order to seem outrageous for her/ my family, which is why I then went into finding out more about everything that was feared as insanity and drug addicts mostly. So, I essentially created a ‘fascination’ for some of the key aspects that I would hear my parents fearing: insanity and drug addicts as mentally instable people, as some sort of scum of society.

There you go, my antagonist/ rebellious character then formed according to creating a likeness/ being fascinated with that which was feared, being curious about that which you cannot understand, that which is not openly talked about – at least not at home or in y immediate environment – which were insanity and later on drugs.

 

This will continue.

 

Self Forgiveness on the First aspect of this entire point which is Insanity/ Craziness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear going crazy when I was a child due to how I learned that insanity was something to be feared and that I could in fact end up being sent to a mental hospital, which would exist as a joke within my family of ‘dropping me at El Batán’ which became like similar to threatening me with the boogie man.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in absolute fear literal petrification that one time that I was taking pictures around the pyramid in Cholula, and the mental hospital is right behind, and so as I was walking around, I heard a woman screaming ‘Let me out! Let me Out” and so her screams became this chilling experience of absolute fear within me, wherein I realized that I actually feared ever being in such a place that I had only ‘idealized’ from what one read in books or watches in movies.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience powerlessness toward ‘insane people,’ while feeling sorry for them being ‘locked up’ and at the same time fearing me being in such a place ever in my life.

 

I realize that I understand now why such type of absolute actual crazy people – not self-made crazy people, which is another story – were actually system-integration errors within the physical body, wherein the mind would not develop appropriately, leading to a physical development as ‘usual’ but the mind creating a point of instability/ malfunction leading to mental impairment or insanity – For further support to understand this which was actually a cool explanation to make sense of people with mental problems Life Review – A Child’s Mind in an Adult Body.

 

 

DSC00478_001
View from standing outside ‘El Batán’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep this picture as ‘special’ because it was taken right after I heard that woman screaming ‘let me out’ and imprinting it as an entire memory that I recall as  a point of fear but at the same time linked to the entire emotional aspect that I had lived out within myself toward gloomy-looking trees and sunsets, making it a ‘perfect memory’ of fear, enjoyment and whatnot as a Mindfuckism example of that which I accepted and allowed myself to be defined by.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in fact ‘fascinated’ with insanity and/or drugs, without realizing how it was only me creating a relationship of likeness/ preference/ desire toward that which I feared and learned to fear through the memories of my childhood and the reactions I would pick up on people as in fearing insane people, drug addicts and within that, not getting any further information as to ‘why’ they were crazy or why they would take drugs in the first place.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am fascinated and curious by that which points out insanity or drug addictions, the inexplicable human behavior – I stop and I breathe – I realize that any point that I create a fascination toward is just a relationship of fear that I have built up based on knowledge and information and as such, I direct myself to breathe and equalize myself to that which I have built a ‘fascination’ toward, ensuring I stop all participation in any form of energetic experience that I have deemed as fascination –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link ‘fascination’ to an energetic experience of extensive fear as adrenaline, as something that ‘I like’ which is not Me really liking such energetic experience as something ‘positive’ but it is who I am as the mind creating a relationship of fascination toward that which I could not understand and was feared instead. Which is how I developed later on fascinations toward the occult, mysteries, ghosts, spiritualism, dead people, and everything that would be usually ‘feared’ due to being labeled ‘insane’ or ‘abnormal’ and defining myself as ‘liking’ that which was not broadly acceptable.

 

When and as I see myself creating an energetic experience of adrenaline when participating with something/someone that I have considered as insane, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me morphing the fear into a fascination thus I stop participating in fear and instead, equalize myself to the physicality of the moment here as breath to ensure I remain here as breath when interacting, reading, hearing, watching anything related to insanity.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something ‘special’ in crazy people wherein I then thought that being crazy was an equivalent to being ‘sane’ in this mad world – crazy people being ‘more free’ and expressive from anything that was implanted as a point to be feared or not done in our society, which is how I would veer toward ‘craziness’ as only a desire to become that in a very moderated way, simply because of knowing that my parents feared crazy people and that crazy people were mostly relegated from society – and as such, me wanting to be ‘special’ in a way for being crazy as a form of positive experience and self definition in he mind.

 

When and as I see myself believing that crazy people were special in a way due to not abiding to the social norms and rules and as such, being ‘out of the programming’ in one way or another – I stop and I breathe – I realize that craziness/ insanity is a word that only points out what we have all been and participated within in our day to day living in this world, and that as such there has been no sanity that we could find within ourselves as humanity as a whole yet.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people as ‘crazy’ based on what the medical societies would define a person was, which then became a pejorative word to call a person that would be dealing with any form of mental instability.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my fascinations based on that which I knew would bother my mother, father and family in general, wherein I then veered to become the opposite of everything that I assessed they were ‘all about,’ and this being the beginning of me as the opposition/ rebellious/ antagonistic character that I later on became fascinated with as a point of energetic experience due to how I would identify with people that were insane or the fascination toward drugs as a sense of ‘freedom’ – hence linking ‘freedom’ to insanity/ drug cultures as everything that would be opposed to what I learned was prohibited, unspoken at home which was then ‘restriction/ fear’ linked to insanity and drug cultures among other perverse state of minds that were a taboo within society.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to ‘act crazy’ to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wanting to create some form of distress within her just for the sake of having the power to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately shape, mold and create a personality based on everything which I thought and believed my mother would fear me liking/ becoming, in essence becoming everything that I knew would piss her off, just because ‘I could’ and just because I wanted to instill a point of conflict in her life as the actual evil point that exists within/ as myself as the mind that seeks conflict and friction to survive.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame my mother for all the fears that I acquired through her, not realizing that I was the one that accepted and allowed such fears to become part of my self definition, and that I continued acting upon them, later on using them as a way to become that which she feared as a point of ‘power’ over her, because of knowing that I could instigate fear within her for being/ becoming or liking things that she mostly would fear or reject. Again, this within the principle of me as the mind only seeking friction and conflict to be able to continue existing as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to grow up believing that I could understand what an insane people would feel like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘fascination’ toward the pictures that I saw – not long ago- in an exhibition of a public photography archive of La Castañeda, which was the most ‘famous’ mental hospital here in Mexico City, and these pictures were taken around the 50’s and creating an energetic experience while watching them of fear/ fascination as well as sadness and condescendence while watching these pictures of the people, the place and their drawings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could deal with insane people easily just because of me apparently being able to ‘understand’ them, which is only me wanting to get close to that which I remember I had to fear/ stay away from while growing up in my family. Therefore

When and as I see myself believing that I am able to understand insane people – I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘insane people’ can only exist as a definition of people in my mind according to a particular character that people have deliberately become in/as the mind, which is Not who the real being is – thus I ensure that I equalize myself to who and what the being really is in order to not look at the character they are representing and creating a point of empathy Toward the Character, but instead, assist and support myself to bring out/ equalize myself to the Being that is real, that is physically here as an equal. Within this also ensuring that I stop any form of condescendence as a projected victimization toward people that are being considered ‘insane’ nowadays, and believing that they require a ‘hand’ – not realizing that  as long as such beings are not directly deciding for themselves to support themselves first and foremost, I cannot possibly play the savior toward ‘them.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘crazy/ loco’ with a pejorative way to call a person as well as a flattering word to be called as, wherein I had linked first ‘crazy/ loco’ with a reaction of fear that later on turned into a fascination, hence accepting and allowing myself to feel almost ‘flattered’ whenever my mother calls me ‘loca’ which means crazy woman, which is obviously only a nickname that I realize I had reacted to in a positive manner due to how I had defined crazy people as Free from the social conditioning that we are all a part of,  within this

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ‘joy’ toward the deliberately/jokingly exaggerated automated actions that my father would do whenever he’s in a rush and doing things and getting everything ‘done’ as fast as he can, wherein he tends to act a bit aloof and ‘crazy’ which is an aspect I created a fondness toward, like saying ‘hey look that’s where I got it from’  – which is just a point of getting attention for behaving in a particular aloof manner, as a ‘joke’ or humoristic way of being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a point of identification with my father for his ‘crazy ideas’ lol and as such believing that ‘I knew what  he would go through’ whenever my mother would bring him ‘back to Earth’ and I would take such action as a repression/ suppression, which was at times so – lol – but I then used it as a way to ‘team up’ against my mother and developing an entire personality that I have walked sufficiently on a mind construct which is now pretty clear how the fear/ antagonism toward my mother also carries the words ‘crazy’ as a relationship formed of me presenting traits that my father had, wherein I saw how she would react the same way toward me when I presented myself/ spoke in a ‘crazy way’ just to get a kick out of her reacting to our craziness.

 

Lol I remember when riding in the car and talking about aliens/ UFO’s and my father saying that he wanted to be alien abducted and how I would say ‘yes! yes! me too!’ and my father would continue rambling about that and saying how we would both go there and live with extraterrestrial beings etc. etc. and my mother would only say and repeat ‘you are both Really crazy’ and how we would fuel that point of friction and conflict more and more.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘insanity’ as a fear instilling process toward my mother and any other person on the street whenever I want to create a point of conflict/ friction within them, and as such, deliberately doing acts wherein I would get a energetic kick out of doing that which was not ‘normal’ or that I considered wasn’t normal at the eyes of others, hence getting an experience out of ‘transcending’ my own fears toward insanity in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy my father’s mechanism of presenting himself as overtly ‘honest’ at times as a means to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wherein he would exaggerate things to blow them out of proportion so that my mother would react in a restrictive manner toward his behavior and hearing her say ‘(name of father’ you are really crazy’ – lol – and from there forming this condescending experience toward my father like ‘I know what you FEEL like, I’ve been there myself’ – not realizing that I am simply representing the exact same patterns he’s had throughout his life in both anger and a bit of aloofness which I had created as a mix of, precisely, fear and fascination in my mind like a fondness toward him due to what I would also experience within myself as what I perceived was similar to His experience.

 

When and as I see myself being fond of my father’s aloofness and tantrums, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this fondness that I have created toward him can only exist if I continue to see him only as that ‘craziness’ pattern that I became fond of due to standing as a point of friction and conflict that we could inflict within my mother and as such, creating an entire character about this particular experience of retaliating toward my mother due to the inherent friction and conflict I experienced toward her as ‘my mother’ and the corrective-person toward all my personal ‘treats’ that would give me an energetic kick, which was everything that she would judge and ‘go against’ throughout my life, not realizing that all those choices I made were essentially part of the character that I became to oppose everything she would see as acceptable, just to create and perpetuate a point of conflict within me/ my life and hers and call this ‘freedom/ rebelling against oppression’.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief that my father would act aloof/ crazy as a deliberate way to instigate attention and conflict within others, which is nothing else but becoming a character in order to get some attention from others as a point of specialness/ outrageousness which is mostly considered as plain ‘crazy’ or ‘abnormal,’ which I equated to ‘freedom’ and ‘expression.’ From here creating the whole idea that I was a crazy person because I would not want to abide to social norms and I wanted to deliberately instigate a point of shock within people whenever I could as a way to gain attention, recognition, specialness, uniqueness, the ideal ‘free being’ type of expression which was all linked to this entire construct of initially having feared insanity, then using it as a way to instigate conflict in others which would give me an energetic experience in the mind that would confirm: I am a crazy person/ I am abnormal/ I am special/ I am misunderstood/ I do not fear breaking the rules – and all this ‘antagonist/ rebellious/ black sheep’ character that I became throughout my life in my family and environment in a very moderate way, but very ‘ingrained’ as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience of adrenaline whenever I would do something that was deliberately ‘outrageous’ just for the sake of triggering a reaction within Others – which points out how if I had no people around me to instill a reaction within, I would have mostly not played out these characters at all as there is no point in acting like that whenever I am alone – hence realizing that everything that I created of myself as a ‘crazy character’ was just a way to get attention, be opposed, step out of the rules, be perceived as free and expressive and mostly instigate a point of conflict within my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to keep this specific way of being that can be labeled as ‘crazy’ and a bit autistic at times when being alone or walking through the streets whenever I want to protect myself from any potential threat – due to being alone/ walking alone – and present myself in a particular way wherein I expect people to believe that I am crazy and that I am ‘not worthy’ of assaulting or robbing as in me being deranged or possibly dangerous toward them.

When and as I see myself going through the streets and wanting to deliberately present a physical expression of being a bit crazy or deranged with certain attitudes like looking at the wall or moving my hands or walking too fast or looking ‘aloof’ in order to protect myself, I stop and I breathe – I realize that these attitudes are stemming from fear – and as such, I direct myself to act, be here and walk as breath without participating in any point in my mind wherein a point of perceived threat is activated when and while walking.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not deliberately brush my hair when I had hair as a way to denote ‘look, I am crazy, do not get close’ lol – which became part of the entire eccentric personality later on linked to the artistic character that I’ve also walked within this process.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever look at ‘crazy people’ or even autistic people with a certain ‘fascination’ and trying to understand them/ support them somehow which was an entire experience of fear turned into adrenaline whenever this happened, which I equated as fascination, becoming only a mind fixation of sorts due to the fear that I actually experienced toward them and transforming that fear into a fascination which in no way is it in fact assisting and supporting myself and others to step out of our fears, prejudices and definitions toward one another as physical human beings and within this, supporting  ourselves to stop existing only as characters that we’ve become in the mind, and instead focus on supporting one another to become physical living beings.

 

I realize that all of this is knowledge and information that served only a single purpose: to limit myself within a particular energetic relationship and experience as the mind, instead of equalizing myself as the physicality that we all are as human beings. Thus

 

I commit myself to stop all self-definitions as an energetic imprint within me linked to insanity/ craziness/ aloofness that I have linked to a point of freedom and apparent ‘fascination’ within the understanding that it all stemmed out of fear and familial relationships linked to reactions in the mind. Thus, I equalize myself as the physical here wherein no definitions can exist as ‘who I am’ or ‘what I like’ – but simply assisting and supporting myself to be and become the actual living-being that I am and that stops energetic experiences toward words, pictures and memories that are related to the ‘insanity’-fascination character.

 

I commit myself to continue debunking this point of insanity as fear as a point of apparent ‘fascination’ as only one of the aspects that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a character in the mind, which is nothing else but an energetic self-definition that only feeds the entire personality of ‘who I am’ as the mind. Thus, I walk this process in order to stop any form of ‘minute’ experiences that I have linked to this particular character of insanity-fascination and support myself to equalize myself as breath, as the physical that I am in reality.

 

In the Equal Money System there will be education based on understanding how the mind functions, in order to be able to direct and educate all beings to correct any predisposition to veer toward the acting out of the mind instead of the physicality. The patterns will be able to be corrected as a physical process with specific support and assistance to also deal with anyone that may present any form of mental instability that could represent an actual threat to the community/ society.

 

Further support:

 

From the Book: 

Equal Money – Future of Money – Volume 1

 

Interviews:

 

Blogs:


130. Killing the Loved Ones

 

‘I’ll kill you/her/she/them!’

Continuation from: 129. Will Love and Lighters end up Killing People?

This is one of the backchat points that can be found within the desire  to control someone, which is wanting to manipulate another for the sake of acting/ doing things our way/ getting our point of Happiness. Whenever the person does Not recede to our point of control, backchat may emerge in an insulting, denigrating manner toward the unsubordinated person and one of the ‘most negatively charged’ type of backchat exists in the form of ‘I HATE YOU/HER/HIM’ or ‘I WANT TO KILL HER/HIM/THEM ALL’

 

Now, what does all the positive thinking on ‘light, love, bliss’ has to do with the point of negative backchat such as ‘I want to kill you/he/she/them?’ It is an extreme bouncing off from the positive experience, it is the extreme polarity once that someone ‘had it all’ and then ‘lost’ it as a point of self definition, unleashing then the opposite-directly proportional input of positivity back into negativity – that’s when we can identify our ‘downfalls’ and ‘depressions’ and whatnot that can escalate through our own participation up to a point of absolute mind possession labeled as ‘mental instability’ by the psychiatrists that do want to make the most for their pockets out of a seemingly neuronal-hormonal dysfunction.

In other words, this can only happen if we give too much head to such negative experience, eventually becoming nothing else but the absolute opposite of the initial all-positive input of loving someone for example – there’s even a saying ‘from love to hate there’s only one step’ – and it is so, because the starting point of love is not an equal and one standing as physical beings of flesh and bones that care for themselves = care for one another in physical well being considerations – no, love means in our colloquial vocabulary just passion, energy, bubbles in the stomach that become an absolute life-hijacking obsession that is specifically directed to a point of possession a.k.a. wanting to control the other being, wanting to feel special with that something or someone, wanting to ‘fulfill the dreams’ that only existed as a positive experience in our minds.

 

This is how we can see MANY demonic-possessions today – which are MIND-possessions and should be understood as synonyms nowadays, wherein boyfriends attack their girlfriends – or vice versa – ending up slitting their throats, killing them, hitting them to ‘make them look ugly’ and one cannot possibly fathom: ‘but wait, I was sharing my life this man, I had sex with this man, how could it possibly be that the next day he’s trying to kill me!’ – and this is precisely where the role of the mind as a literal entity occupying our physical must be understood: the problem is thinking, the moment we think, we are already existing in an alternate dimension in our minds – and in that, hell is not far away. You may say: well, then we’re all living in hell, because we All all the time, and that is correct and that is what apparently makes us these ‘supreme beings’ that can THINK – but is it really so? Who invented this type of judgment but ourselves as human beings that deep inside actually fear NOT being in control of Anything or anyone that exists here.

 

In past blogs when revising words as the imposition of man’s mind upon the physical reality, this relationship of control was seen, which later on became the money language that we are currently living with and by, it is to understand who/ what do we have to accept and allow ourselves to exist as in order to voice/think a sentence like ‘I want to Kill Him/Her/them’ and in other cases ‘Me’ as well. Here is the deal: not many people can deny that this sentence has crossed their minds in an absolute moment of an absolute negative experience which within the understanding of how the positive and negative exist, means a ‘Fall from Heaven’ to the absolute opposite – why? Because of all the expectations we built in our MINDS only – reading again, yes only in our minds – about getting/ being with/ experiencing ourselves with something or someone ‘for the rest of our lives’ which is the usual bullshit peddled in our media about these everlasting relationships for example. And this is primarily focused on wanting to Kill the Loved One, which for all cases should be the most shocking and extreme type of betrayal toward one’s conception – meaning creation of the concept – of what love is/ should be, it is as ‘frightening’ as can be, because every single bit of relationship that exists now as ‘our society’ is apparently founded (or found dead) upon love – have a look at the promotion of these experiences as something marvelous and real: having a partner, getting married, having kids, creating a family, having pets, your relationship to god,  your job, your neighbor – everything is promoted as these bubbly stages of your life wherein you are supposed to be ‘Luvin’ it’ all the way – and it’s actually quite fascinating how we can find a note in the news on a daily basis about apparent ‘loved ones’ killing each other, people hating their jobs, people bugging their neighbors ‘just because,’ people eating their children, people killing themselves or others because of their relationship with god, men killing their ex-wife and children because of a marital break-up, and the list goes on and on and frightfully on.

 

“The moment we make that decision, acceptance and allowance in the trust that whatever the mind present to us is ‘who we are’ and we continue participating in the backchats and energies, with participating as the more and more we continue talking in our minds and experiencing the energies without stopping them/investigating them: what one will find is that they become more and more intense in the mind, the more and more one remain in the energy reaction and so the backchat/thoughts/behaviours that it substantiate in the character/personality possession.” – Sunette Spies*

 

What is Wrong with this picture? The Mind 

Who we are as physical living beings in no way stand as something ‘alien’ to this physical existence as the Earth – the animal kingdom, the plants, the environment, everything functions as a whole and one single organism. Then, who is the real Problem here? The mind, the who we have become as this machine that thinks reality only to scheme one’s own survival and personal benefit, because WE programmed ourselves to only create a world system that could Only benefit ‘some’ in our reality. Now, that is seriously messed up to say the least, who are the real schizophrenic instead? Who are the real killers that are willing to maim any life left in this world in the name of a ‘thriving society’ that can look like the most outrageous façade you’ll ever see – but it’s just that, a facade, a sugar coating enamored view of reality behind which we all hide the Reality of who and what we have become as The Secret Mind

 

Once we pass through the initial disconcertion of realizing how EVIL we have become in fact to the extent of not being able to trust your apparent ‘Loved ones,’ we can start then realizing that there is a Seriously Important Task that each one of us must Take Self Responsibility for, and that’s not something ‘out of our hands’ to do, it is taking responsibility for our own minds, realizing that we all have to ensure that we STOP and Self-Forgive any single inch of hatred and Love toward another being – You might say: wait a minute, you say ‘Self Forgive every point of Loving another as well, but that’s not bad!’ yet, understanding how the existence of Hatred actually stems from Love must have left this point quite clear to you how any positive or negative input upon something or someone, will eventually go to its opposite as an experience that we then act upon, blinded by our own backchat and internal conversations that we are seldom aware of.

 

This is then to put all ‘Love and Light’ as any positive thinking ‘on the table’ from the perspective of realizing how we are all responsible for whatever we see as ‘BAD’ and ‘Negative’ in our society, it is Our Mirror and we have been denying this for far too long now. The thoughts that a serial killer or a bad tempered ex boyfriend that gets to stab her girlfriend are in no way different to Any other thought we may have in our heads.

 

Thus, it is definitely a bucket of cold water to realize that that which we always wanted to ‘ostracize’ in our society to not have to SEE what we had become, is in fact ourselves.

 

We’ll continue with the process of realizing the correction is not ‘out there’ in some bloody policy awaiting to be approved by the government to ‘Stop the madness!’ It is here within and as ourselves that the correction potentially exists: we just have to live it.

Desteni

Desteni Forum

Equal Money System

Journey To Life 

Heaven is No More

 

 

Interviews:

Any person that has ever wondered about the relevance of the Jesus figure and its importance within the history of humanity must hear this series – chapter 5 is now out:

Meeting our Maker:
Blogs:

110.The Mad judging the Crazy

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to judge people that are condemned as socially deranged and mentally disturbed as people that must be ‘put on fire’ as the ultimate punishment for committing acts of murder and/ or terrorism within a society that did not care to, in the first place, see how such a ‘killer mind’ is actually the product of a society wherein we have only conditioned ourselves to get indoctrinated to survive in a world where support is not unconditionally given – thus enslaving each other to only focus on money, having a successful living, aiming at ‘the best’ in the world while we cannot even understand how is it that there are thoughts in our head and why is it that we become emotional at any given moment, which reveals to what extent we have become survivalist robots that do not care at all to educate children to get to know themselves as their own mind first, because we had never even pondered that ‘ourselves’ as adults in this world.

 

Thus it is plain to see how anyone that commits acts of violence and abuse as the result of acting on their own thoughts is in essence, a byproduct of our own ignorance toward our own mind, while deliberately accepting statements such as ‘we can’t do anything to change the world,’ because that would imply actually having to take responsibility for all that we have done and perpetrated in absolute negligence and disregard of what we have accepted and allowed as the decisions we have made in the name of only our personal interest

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn from my parents how to judge people that would commit acts of violence such as murderers and terrorists wherein the faces of disgust and disturbance would mean that I had to equally become disgusted at another human being, just because they had done ‘something wrong’ yet never investigating why or how it is that such beings became ‘the villains’ in the story of our every day lie, not realizing that it is through these events that I learned how to fear those that ‘commit violent acts’ and only condemn them, without ever even pondering about their lives, if they had enough support to live as children, if they had been abused or not because that is never questioned by the media, hence not questioned by anyone that is mostly informed/indoctrinated by the media.

 

I realize that the moment that I learned to condemn the so-called ‘social-aberrations,’ I learned to separate myself from them as if they were some type of ‘thing’ that I had to simply be and become disgusted by, never questioning who am I in relation to them, what are they revealing of our nature – and this is primarily because we as children only accept from our parents whatever they say, do and even act like in every single moment. Thus we are directly shaped and molded according to morals that ensure blame is projected at all times toward others, but never pointed back to self in order to take responsibility for that which we have accepted and allowed to continue as the ‘breeding ground’ for humanity, which is clearly a world and society wherein life has never been regarded  at all, wherein words have been used to separate, value and condemn in separation of self, where money dictates who lives and who dies and accordingly, who is able to grow up in a supportive environment or not – which explains how is it that unless we equalize this world into a functional system and society based on equality, we’ll continue to see individuals committing acts of violence as a way to bring attention to the problems in this world, because they clearly see no other way to do it in a society wherein only as shocking as mass murdering people or bombing themselves can make it to the news, while the rest of the daily violence and abuse is only known and heard, but never spoken about because that would imply having to re-assess our humanity itself, without realizing that we have only complied to each other’s rules and regulations as our current governments which are the externalization of a self-interested mind that will create a sense of order on the surface, but never dare to really investigate the so-called ‘human nature’ that is clearly the massive excuse to not have to stop and re-assess our entire lives and world system.

 

Thus, I see and realize that it is actually ‘the mad’ judging ‘the crazy’ because the mad cannot even see how it is that we are living in a world wherein paper, metal and plastic cards along with a set of numbers can define who lives and who starves, a world wherein life is not even considered as equal in all beings but instead abused in the name of bullshit dreams of success and ‘wealth’ that is being massively induced as a drug that people eventually become addicted to, not being able to see to what extent one is able to go to achieve such ‘dream’ and at what cost our very own lives are diminished in the name of an apparent point of ‘power’ that has been made as such by the same belief-systems that parents are born into, later on passed on to the next generation which is how beliefs have been kept ‘alive,’ through institutionalizing lies as legit within the statement ‘but it’s always been this way/ but it’s always been like this/ things have never changed and never will, deal with it,’ which is clearly how we accept to be slaves to a system of ill gotten gains that promotes self-abuse as entertainment, that promotes irresponsibility as freedom and promotes hatred as an honorable action to conduct in the name of ‘pride.’

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to  conform to the idea of people creating such a ‘mystery’ out of beings like serial killers, mass murders, bombers/ terrorists and generally mentally disrupted people, wherein ignorance lead me to simply accept it as some kind of ‘flaw’ in a human being’s mind, believing that a ‘crazy’ person was simply a ‘mal-functioning being’ that had no remedy and had to be locked up and never bee seen again in society, wherein I learned how to fear such places because of parents even making fun of sending me there with ‘the rest of the crazy people,’ without realizing how even the apparent subtle jokes create a point of fear toward beings that have clearly not been understood or even been investigated to the core to see how the majority is actually the product of  point of lack or abuse in a world system that should be able to provide and care for all beings equally.

 

Thus I realize that any perceived ‘mentally disturbed’ being as killers, bombers/ terrorists, mass murders and mentally deranged people are nothing but the result of our own fear to face ourselves as our own mind, the fear to realize to what extent a being can be damaged for an entire lifetime because of not having enough food on their table, a decent place to live, proper education, parents that provide actual care because no one has ever really had such points in alignment with a principle that is best for all, which is the reason why this world is ‘as is,’ as we have only cared to prepare ourselves to survive in this world, following the same mechanism transmitted from generation to generation without any form of progress, as the very cause of such stagnation and actual degeneration of humanity was not regarded, was not understood – and that is our own mind which we are now walking in detail within the Desteni I Process to learn how it is that we have become the ‘gods’ in our existence, giving ourselves instructions to kill, strive for a living and be willing to die for the ‘honor’ of those that sustain an empire that thrives upon the abuse of life.

 

I realize that in order to give ourselves a sense of living again, we must walk our entire mind in absolute detail and specificity as I see that it is only through walking our own mind that we can become specific in our own self-creative processes to establish a new ay of living and being and coexisting in this world based on Life in Equality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to never see how whenever my parents would condemn another’s acts, they were trying to ‘show’ me what not to do and what not to be, yet never explaining why there was evil in this world but only managing to explain that people were ‘evil’ because of not having money – thus creating a fear toward people that had no money because of thinking and believing that they would all eventually go violent and try and rob/ kill me because of having ‘more money’ than them – this is an example of how when taking the ‘easy road out’ to explain a child the reason why acts of violence and ‘evil’ take place in society  leads to further fear when only giving an excuse such as ‘poverty’ for evil to exist, without explaining – or even being aware – how this is not a point to fear but to understand from the root cause and as such consider what we have to do in order to establish a solution. Yet, because parents and their parents had never been informed about ‘how the world works,’ the ‘best’ way to educate each other has been through fear, as fear ensures that one would not ‘even get close to’ anyone that would resemble being a stereotypical abusive/ violent person. Yet, what parents don’t realize is that kids grow up with curiosity to get to know ‘why/ how’ people eventually end up being mentally unstable/ disturbed based on the simple principle of being attracted/ fascinated by that which is only condemned and deliberately ostracized, which is how in an attempt to ‘understand’ the criminal minds, we end up making of other human beings a ‘mystery’ to understand as a form of entertainment, without even first realizing how such beings came to be within their world and reality as they are.

 

I see and realize that it is only in a culture of sensationalism that we can become obsessed with beings like serial killers, suicide bombers and mass murderers because of the taboo we’ve made of them, because of not really wanting to explain in the open the actual factors that leads to one being become possessed by their own backchat and commit any atrocities possible in order to make a statement that is a direct consequence of a society wherein life and children are being abused in the name of perpetuating  a system wherein the ever-abusive condition of ‘success’ is all that everyone is blinded with and by, never considering the counter effects that go on within a child that is absolutely incapable of ‘attaining’ or even worse ‘aspiring’ to get to such a position, as money determines who you are and will be for the rest of your life, never even pondering that there is another way to live and exist, which is that which is currently being condemned and crucified by a majority that is not willing to let go of the survival mode-living, because ‘it’s all we’ve ever known’ while having been indoctrinated to protect such self interest at all cost, and oppose anything that would propose such well being to all begins equally, as mind control is so great that Equality as Life is not even able to be conceived by the regular human being mind.

This is the example of the extent of our individual brainwashing that has taken place for all time as humanity.

 

We have instructed ourselves to be and become the very judges and executers in a reality wherein money as power and success is revered and praised, ignoring the obvious abuse that enables such fallacy as ‘wealth’ in the world, a society wherein ‘killers, robbers and murderers’ are also characters learned from generation to generation as an apparent ‘easy way’ to ‘cope’ with a reality that is not supporting all beings equally, which should already place an alarm as to what we condemn and the reasons for such people to commit ‘crimes against life’ while only trying to make living, and what we revere and praise as wealth and fame which can only exist upon the abuse of life and beings in order to sustain such airy-fairy heaven that is clearly only running with the resources and labor force of the flesh of the Earth.

 

I commit myself to walk my own patterns of dissociation toward everything that I learned how to ‘condemn’ and at the same, what to praise, what to seek, what to regard as sacred, what to regard as ‘dangerous,’ what to regard as ‘a dream to come true,’ which are all points that I blindly followed as ‘what life is all about,’ keeping myself from side to side fearing to fall in the perceived ‘bad/negative side’ and striving to maintain myself at all times in the ‘good/ positive side of reality.’ Within this

 

I commit myself to expose how it is that we the children become the patterns of fear and limitation, of fanaticism and obsession that exist within the parents, wherein we as children only learn how to adopt such ways because ‘our parents know better,’ only to later on create a massive disappointment when realizing that our parents lied and that they were actually instilling fear within us, which is why kids go into a massive point of shock and inner struggle to cope with the lies that had been taught for years through childhood, and walking them out while living in ‘the real deal’ of a savage reality wherein there are no considerations and/or special regard for beings, as it is just a dog eat dog world wherein everyone is then pushed to follow the ‘rough ways’ of making a living, learning how to deceive, cheat, steal and/or lick someone’s boots in order to be and become ‘successful’ as the ultimate stardom dream that is impulsed by the media that we grow up educating ourselves with.

 

I commit myself to establish a complete new standard of parental education wherein every parent will not be able to even dare to speak about ‘becoming a parent’ without having gone through extensive support and training that can be proven to be reliable enough to bring another kid into this world – within this realizing and considering that we have to being such training with our contemporaries and the new kids as the future parents in this world, as it is through a life-long education base on life in equality that such ‘rigorous measures’ won’t have to exist any longer, as such measures are only a emergency plan to deal with ourselves the spawn of the last drop of preprogrammed beings that were essentially existing only to fuel a system of mind delusions and keep it in place in order to learn how we had to aim for such ‘wondrous world’ as ‘heaven’ while neglecting everything we had to do in order to attain that while on Earth, which means: abusing the earth because all we were looking at was the satisfaction, reward and success obtained from it, but never really caring about the actual abuse that would go on in our pursuit of happiness.

 

I realize that unless we actually move to give ourselves proper direction in consideration of all life in Equality, nothing will move – thus we require to prepare ourselves as individuals as a world-wide team that will be able to provide support for as many beings as possible in order to actually walk a re-educational process that is already beginning with ourselves through writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application wherein we get to face our acceptances and allowances as the decisions we have made in the name of our own mind-possession as the selfish interests we have fueled with the blood of the Earth.

 

I commit myself to expose how it is that fears are passed on from generation to generation to segregate and divide humanity to always remain controlled/ limited within a set of beliefs that ensure no one dares to question the current system and only accept it ‘as is,’ which is how when educating ourselves about how we function as humanity, how our reality exists as the result of our own self-created mind control which is what will cease to exist once that we realize that we are on the verge of obliterating everything and everyone on Earth if se do not Stop ‘the old familiar ways’ of indoctrinating children into fear and only instigating a sense of survival that is absolutely unacceptable, considering that we live in a world that has more than enough for beings to coexist in harmony – however because Greed is promoted as self-motivation we haven’t stopped the cycles that perpetuate the same system of abuse.

 

This means that I commit myself to expose the fear labels we have imposed onto one another as a way to never in fact investigate how is it that the so called ‘abject’ in reality is our own abdication of self-responsibility to educate each other in a way that is best for all, simply because what is best for all has Never in fact existed in this world and as such, we are the only ones that can take on this elemental task to de-mentalize a humanity subsumed in fear and shame for what we’ve become.

 

I commit myself to provide support for anyone that is willing to support themselves from the so called mentally unstable and deranged people that have been ostracized and stigmatized within a society that only labels in order to separate themselves from realizing ourselves as the actual cause and breeding-ground to all that is here as this world, which includes all the atrocities that go on on a daily basis as the result of mind possession, just because we haven’t learned how we operate as our own mind, just because we have abused our own physical body to seek for a dream that was imposed in order to keep an enslavement system in place.

The time has come to stop the abuse and madness in this world and to point back the finger at ourselves to realize how it is that we are in fact 100% responsible for everything that goes on in this world that is ourselves.

 

Demonology is specialized support for mind possessions through a process of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective application to take responsibility for the accumulation of violent thoughts in nature that have become a threat to the individual and society as a whole.

Self-responsibility is at all times the key-point for anyone willing to support themselves, to stop any form of possession that will take an actual consistent process that can only be walked with proper assistance and support available at the forum within Demonology and Desteni.

Support the Equal Money System to create a platform of support for all future parents in this world, to understand ourselves and take self-responsibility for our current creation as this world and as such, implement a new living reality on Earth wherein Life will be valued as Equal in all ways.

 

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this Ignorance is Perpetuated by Instructing Children that they Must Learn through their own experiences WITHOUT Realizing that these Experiences will be based on Inadequate training, and thus be Inadequate and that this Will Lead to Inadequate Realizations that Always Justify the Way the World of Ignorance functions, But  because the Characters Build by Parents were instructed to Protect their Ignorance no Matter what Real Practical Common Sense Instruction will be Ignored Unless it leads to Survival and thus Ways to Make Money as Money is Presented to Be the Road to Success for the Ignorant that Must in All Ways Be Protected, as Survival is the Ultimate Fear Parents Instructed, as the Foundation in their Children.”
Bernard Poolman*

 

 

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88. The Victim

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a victim of my own deeds, wherein I would suit the memory to my advantage so that I could remain in anger toward my parents for something that they had ‘apparently done onto me,’ – such as forgetting about me and me getting lost – without wanting to hear the fact that I had been the one that wanted to step out of the cart and drive it by myself.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life find ways to ensure that I could remain as the victim of a situation/ event wherein I could then have people having to ‘ask forgiveness’ to me, and me being the ‘offended one,’ as that would give me a sensation/ feeling and idea of power over them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use all means possible to convince my parents that ‘I can do this on my own’ and have various memories of how I would essentially get pissed off when they would do things for me and would not allow me to do it by myself, just because of how I wanted to ‘do things by myself, ‘ from the starting point of opposing my parents and creating any form of friction in the moment by just demanding them to leave ‘the thing alone’ and allow me to do it by myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘threaten’ with throwing a tantrum toward my parents so that they could allow me to do things that I noticed other kids were not doing, and in this wanting to be ‘special’ such as being a kid that enjoys pushing the cart instead of being inside the cart.

 

And it’s funny because a memory came up when I was in SA and we had the trolleys from the supermarket and I was pushing one and B said something like you look good pushing the trolley, lol which I associated in that moment with a sense of ‘independence’ and like ‘I’m on the wheel,’ which is fascinating that I only now get it – after such a long time, I had this memory so ingrained within me as the symbol of my ‘victory over parents’ = me pushing the trolley, which I activated as a sense of liberty/ freedom and superiority without even knowing how or why. Thus, it was not a random point but a single experience that I was having in that moment that I was pushing the trolley without even noticing as a character.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the experience of ‘pushing a trolley’ to ‘doing my will’ and being ‘free’ and ‘liberated’ from the parents that would always put me into the trolley and drive me around to wherever they wanted me to go with them, within this manifesting the entire experience of: I don’t want to be driven by my parents, I don’t want to comply to what they say, I want to do things ‘my way.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of self-righteousness toward my parents, wherein I began doing everything to the opposite of what I knew they wanted me to be and do. This includes, for example, forcing myself to go to school when I was sick, just because my mother would insist that I shouldn’t go – and within this believe that I in fact didn’t want to miss a single day in school, but the fact is that I wanted to simply prove myself to her as wanting to do everything opposite to what she would suggest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the character that would deliberately cause friction in another for the sake of feeling good about myself, just because of how I would experience the relationship with my mother as that of ultimate control and imposition, which I essentially rebelled to throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the victimization of ‘why didn’t you tell me’ when I got lost in that amusement park and get angry at my parents because ‘they were supposed to take care of me’ – and in that, believing that ‘they didn’t want me because they had allowed me to get lost,’ which is how I began building the ‘They don’t like me in my family’ syndrome, which I then embodied fully as ‘the alien’ at home, the black sheep, without realizing what series of events were affecting my every move and decision based on memories toward my mother/ parents in general.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of spitefulness toward my parents the moment that they found me after being lost, wherein I accessed anger because of thinking and believing that it had been ‘their fault’ that I had gotten lost – however, the actual reality is that I had decided to do it by myself and I cannot even remember if I did it on purpose when realizing that they had forgotten about me, which sounds ‘familiar’ as to how I would then deliberately go to the extreme of something just out of spitefulness, without ever really wanting to hear and realize that: I had done it all by myself, by my ‘own will’ to do things ‘my way,’ based on throwing tantrums, which means that my entire interaction was base on opposition toward ‘the authority’ as parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ charged with rage and absolute spitefulness and anger based on this event wherein I had believed that my parents – and subsequently every time that I would not be let known of some event/ point and missing out – believe that I was being deliberately ‘not invited/ excluded,’ which I associated then to being simply rejected/ uninvited/ excluded and within that, think/ believe/ perceive that there was something ‘wrong’ with me and talking myself into thoughts like ‘my parents don’t love and no one likes me’ as a form of self-victimization, which I use to then create an entire personality that could ‘overcome’ this initial experience toward my parents and sisters, as to ‘prove’ that ‘I don’t need to belong/ I don’t need your appreciation,’ when in fact I was actually really desiring to ‘belong’ and be a part of the entire usual family scheme – which is how self-victimization becomes a key point to build ourselves as the ‘antagonist’ at home, based on self-beliefs and ideas of ‘how others see us,’ which is and has Never been about ‘them’ but about ourselves at all times

 

I realize that everything that I did and all the choices I apparently conducted was based within this starting point of wanting to oppose that which I perceived as ‘authority’ which was – as primary point – my mother, and in that building an entire relationship of opposition toward her particular personality, so that I could ensure that ‘I was not controlled by her,’ as I thought my sisters were.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger toward my father based on how he would usually be the ‘angry one,’ and when finding an opportunity for him to be in the position of ‘having fucked things up,’ I would use his stance of shame, regret and remorse in order to fuel my anger, to throw a tantrum and deliberately wanting to make him feel even worse than what I could spot he’d be experiencing in that moment when apologizing for something he had done.

 

Within this, I realize how I would use this same application whenever someone would be in the position of ‘having done something onto me’ and showing the same signs such as asking forgiveness, feeling ashamed, remorseful toward me wherein I would use such situation to blow things out of proportion just because of knowing that every word movement would make them feel even worse, and within me seeing them getting affected by the words that I could use to recriminate the point even further, I would get a sense of power as a revenge to a previously perceived relationship of ‘power’ of the other toward me. Thus, utilizing conflict as a way to ‘take revenge’ from the past times wherein I felt like the one that had to apologize, ask for forgiveness for having done something wrong and as such, develop power games with my father as a way to feel like ‘I had the right to be pissed off at him,’ later on copying this mechanism to relationships wherein I would also deliberately want the other to ‘feel like shit for what they’ve done,’ and knowing that they would then have to ‘make it up for me,’ in one way or another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, deliberately instigate further shame, guilt and remorse in another in a situation wherein it is believed that ‘they have done something onto me,’ wherein I then feel with the ‘absolute right to throw tantrums at them’ as a way to complain about ‘being wronged,’ without realizing that all that I was doing is experiencing a sense of pleasure and satisfaction from scolding and yelling at someone, seeing them having no ability to defend themselves – which is a rather sadomasochistic mechanism of relating to others as then this would lead to point of reconciliation and in that, become and actual way to build up anger, irritation and then have a reconciliation in ways wherein all the accumulated negative energy as anger, irritation, frustration would be ‘soothed out’ either through something sweet & buying something by my father – and within sex in relationships with human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to realize what I was doing when ‘putting more wood on the fire’ when I was confronting another in a situation wherein I apparently ‘had the right’ to point out ‘their shit’ – whether I was the ‘wronged one’ or not – just because of enjoying them to feel like shit, secretly enjoying seeing them realizing that they had done something wrong/ that they had fucked it all up, so that I could then remain in a stance of being apparently this immaculate benevolent being that is always doing everything ‘right’ and they were the only ones that could fuck it up. Never really wanting to accept how I would use this to further keep them bound by my side, as to being the ‘benevolent being’ that is willing to ‘forgive them’ and keep by their side, without realizing that I knew to what extent I would use this as a mechanism for my own positive experience as the power I had to make others feel bad and remorseful, ashamed and guilty for something they had said and done.

 

Within this, becoming like a mother that is able to point out the shit onto the son and as such, bind myself to relationships wherein I would become like the nagging mother that would point out shit in another, scold them and as such feel like I had the ‘control’ of the situation, without realizing that all of this would come from an actual experience of inferiority toward others, toward ‘them’ in the relationship, which is how we as women have taken the ‘superiority’ position not from an actual realization of equality and oneness with males, but as an outflow of having been the ‘oppressed ones’ throughout history.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn deceptive ways to get what I wanted as in being polite and well-mannered instead of throwing tantrums as ‘the way’ to get what I wanted. This proves that even if I didn’t precisely cry to get what I wanted, I learned the ‘adult ways’ of doing so, which is asking for it in a persuasive manner in a way that I could ensure I can ‘touch my parents hearts’ using the tactic of: If I don’t get it , I’ll be very sad/ If I don’t got and study this, I will regret it for the rest of my life / there is nothing else that I want the most in my life’ which I knew that would ‘move them’ sufficiently to consider that if they simply would say ‘no’ = guilt and remorse would haunt them, thus they would comply as a way to also remunerate me/ as a reward for the ‘who I was’ in school.

 

Thus I see and realize that I learned to play the system’s way of getting what I wanted by pleasing parents/ teachers / the system and as such, only living to satisfy my needs and desires without really taking into consideration reality, because I simply accepted this to be ‘my life,’ living to get things, to achieve, to obtain something that I could call ‘my own’ as my point of satisfaction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make it a habit to ask my parents ‘where had they gone to?’ and if I could find a way to make them feel sorry for not having let me know, they would usually give something to me in order to make it as if they had bought for me, which is what I defined as the ‘consolation prize,’ as a way to through instilling the sense of victimization toward a certain event in my world with my parents, they would usually comply to buy something to me in exchange to me going somewhere and usually complying to these type of transactions wherein there was no unconditional self-movement, but it was all based on wanting to ‘soothe’ my inner experience or ‘make up for’ something in separation of myself.

 

I realize that whenever I was showing a ‘depressed state’ toward my parents/ family, I was in fact only seeking to get ‘something’ in exchange to make myself feel better, which is how I did use depression as a way to manipulate people in my environment, to take me out, to give me money to buy things that I could use to ‘make me happy’ for a fleeting moment and that was it, which is how depression came to be/ become another way of a ‘silent tantrum,’ wherein I would deliberately show myself as being ‘depressed’ so that I could get more books, more cd’s and more stuff that I used to reinforce the same pattern again and again.

 

I realize that the ‘Victim’ is a way to remain triumphant in my mind in relation to how I would use this character to get what  I wanted – the Victory I am base on a deliberate self-diminishment that could be spotted by others to then ‘give us a hand’ as a form of self manipulation which is unacceptable.

 

So, this is a point that I see is prominent within the ‘who we are’ as ‘adults’ and as we come of age wherein we believe that we are, for example, depressive – when it is in fact just another way to yell out ‘help me!’ in a silent manner – or how we use the parent/ child relationship to only satisfy our desires which are usually linked to buying/ consuming something as a positive experience obtained from a negative input. Nothing else but energetic games that must be stopped within ourselves – one by one – as these seemingly ‘unimportant’ events have defined who and what we are in such specificity that we cannot even remember why we are in such a way, when all the keys are still here as ourselves, as these are survival mechanisms of the mind itself to ensure that we would remain busy/occupied evolving our characters and personalities, and as such never even have the least consideration to start looking at this world and reality beyond our character eyes.

To be continued…

 

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Life Review – The Victim of Judgment

Day 58: Eternal Spotless Mind

When we deem certain movies as ‘our favorite’ ones there are points that we evidently resonate with. I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004) once again after several years, and brought back all of these ideals and expectations that I had created by that time in relation to how I wanted my relationships to be in ‘the future’ when I watched the movie for the first time some 8 years ago.

The identification with the rather feverish girl – Clementine (Kate Winslet)-  that was a rather eccentric and over-zealous woman with lots of energy and pent up emotions was prominent. It brought me back to the times when I used to wear these bright colorful clothes and all types of funky jewelry along with eternal desires to get my hair blue or red,  which I tried to do some 10 years ago and from there I got used to the habit of dying it pitch blue-black, fucking up my entire hair for several years onwards, just for the sake of creating a certain image of myself. But, besides the girl’s character, the entire phrasing and attitude was something I could relate to. I was this energized girl that was pleading others to ‘leave my mind alone/ I’m just trying to find some peace of mind’ and this general dramatic self-presentation to always be able to have ‘something’ to be yearning for, thinking about and so forth as a means to believe that I was actually ‘living,’ while we are now realizing within this process that: we are not our emotions, we are not our feelings or any other general energetic-experience as the ego of the mind.

 

Then there’s the entire memory-drill within the movie about the relationship that Joel (Jim Carrey’s character) and Clementine had which is how I envisioned what my ‘picture perfect relationship’ would be like, having fun in odd and surprising ways that were non-conventional and having these two ‘odd’ personalities coming together as a couple. Hence all this movie represented within me was this eccentricity that I had built-up as ‘who I am,’ as well as the partner’s character which I also identify with in how I would feel like the over-enthusiastic one that had to cheer up and drag along others to ‘live’ within the same view and perspective I had of life back then, always trying to impose ‘me’ upon others because I deemed ‘my way of being’ much more ‘healthy’ than theirs, which was obviously not now that I review this point.

 

For the most part, it’s a cool movie  in terms of realizing how a relationship/ a person in our lives is only a set of memories that if we ‘decide to erase’ or lose, we can eventually forget about – however we all know that each relationship leaves like this mark or scar that remains there as a bunch of memories and even copied mannerisms, that we then have to walk as ourselves and our own process because it is aspects that we had separated from ourselves initially and sought to ‘fulfill’ or complete ourselves with in relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that in a relationship I would have to gather the most eccentric memories and experiences in order to believe that we were ‘truly enjoying’ and ‘living’ and having ‘a blast’ within a relationship, often placing myself in certain conditions and situations wherein I allowed myself to be driven by the ‘feeling’ of it rather than considering the consequences and actuality of what I was putting myself through.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, till this day, remember only the good and positive things about such ‘fun times’ that I deliberately created within my relationships in order to mimic the way that I imagined my life would be in a a similar way to what this movie portrayed, along with the drama, the misunderstandings, the ups and downs and eventual reconciliations as the ‘happy ending’ that I also sought to get all the time, which  in no way matched the reality of relationships.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make of my life with others a drama that would always have to become just like a script of a novel as all the books that I would read back then, which shaped and molded the ‘who I want to be like’ toward others, eventually creating all sorts of events in my life wherein I ‘knew’ that I would be able to keep them as these ‘memories’ that I could hold on to for a lifetime and call that a ‘living’ and ‘enjoyment’ – which is how I designed myself as a memory-creator and keeper as a way to confirm that ‘I had lived’ through experiences and events in my life with another in a relationship.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be this feverish girl that sought emotions and feelings in a deliberate manner to be ‘inspired’ and have something to whine about in art or writing, which became a way to fuel my over-dramatic personality that was mostly wrought throughout my teenage years while learning through books, movies of ‘my kind’ what relationships were all about, yearning about that ‘connection’ with ‘the one’ and eventually experiencing myself in a relationship just like the one that made me feel all these fuzzy feelings in my stomach while watching eternal sunshine… and in that, believing that all my relationships had to be something ‘like that’ wherein we could have fun and do ‘wild things’ and ‘be happy’ while overcoming the usual friction and conflict that I thought was ‘normal’ in relationships, which also became part of the usual things to ‘walk through’ in relationships such as arguing in the car and leaving the house and being all dramatic about any slight problem, only to ‘forgive’ each other and get back together again, like a happy ending after the storms.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to adopt the belief that in a relationship one would Always have conflict and one would always be having these secret thoughts against the other and that it was part of ‘the game’ of having relationships, which is obviously dishonest and just existing for the sake of also getting a ‘kick’ out of the conflict as all the emotions and feelings that come when you are in a fight with another and get to enjoy that debate/ fight which became a masochistic way of keeping a relationship ‘standing,’ because the reconciliation would then be ‘even better.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to identify with the frustration that Clementine would experience toward Joel for having to deal with a rather quiet and introverted being that I would have mostly judged as ‘requiring some spice in their lives’ wherein I believed that ‘I could change the other for the better,’ without having even looked at myself and my surge of blasting energy to ‘live’ through experiences and trying to make the other see life the same way I did, which became a rather pointless effort to say the least, with both partners and male friends that were rather calm and ‘of few words’ wherein I would always think that I must ‘cheer them up’ and be the ‘sunshine’ of their lives, compromising myself because of this continual desire to ‘change them’ without even getting a look at how I had to first look at myself and what I was accepting and allowing to exist within me.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take this position of being the ‘optimistic’ and ‘feverish’ and ‘vibrant’ person in a relationship with males that were mostly ‘dull’ and ‘quiet’ and only after years eventually one of them becoming more ‘equal’ in such excitement – lol – which is when I started ‘disliking’ the other because I would no longer be the ‘special one’ that would ‘cheer him up’ but he was now becoming a rather positive thinker, blowing out of  proportion to the point where it got too cloying and pleasing ‘for my taste,’ which made me run away from it, without realizing how I had played out the exact same role in the beginning. In this

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually having been addicted to conflict in relationships wherein if everything started being all ‘good’ and ‘pleasing,’ I would get bored because of how I had deemed conflict as a necessary aspect to create this sense of the relationship being ‘normal’ and ‘working’ which was merely an addiction to the energy that conflict would generate within me – hence when the person would no longer cause conflict within me, I’d lose interest and move on.

 

I forgive myself that I hadn’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how I would seek people that had been ‘troubled’ people mostly in a way because then I would see myself as having a ‘duty’ to ‘change them’ and ‘spice up their lives,’ which is how I now realize that I was actually addicted to the energy that I would get from having to deal with conflictive people that were nothing else but mirroring myself back to the conflict I wanted to create and stir within myself in order to have something to be worrying, thinking and yearning about throughout my days, just like a movie, just like a book where a lot of conflict and eventual resolutions would take place as that happy ending that I would also run away from, because I simply wanted some ‘conflict’ in my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to also take the position of being the quiet, reserved and few-worded personality when being with a rather optimistic and cheerful partner, which means that I would act the ‘opposite pole’ in any given situation in order to maintain the balancing-act within the constant friction required to continue the conflict going on in my head, wherein I was never truly ‘satisfied’ with another, but would pretend that I was in order to keep the relationship going.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever wish to have a ‘tormented relationship’ because that’s the type of stuff I would read and get the most entertainment from, which implies that these erratic characters that seemed to be in the brink of madness  were the ones that I could ‘identify’ myself-with, due to the amount of energy I was just ready to exert in one way or another, not really even ever being able to understand why I had so much energy to give-away and how this energy became the directive principle within my life, wherein I used popular culture as books and movies like this one in order to create/ mimic such events to live-out and believe that I was ‘living’ just like a character in a book or a movie, and feel ‘good’ about it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to actually become used to this ‘tough love’ type of relationships wherein conflict and debating would be the way to ‘feel good’ about each other when we would eventually sort out the problems and reconciliation would ensue as a way to confirm that ‘we were willing to walk through hell and back and remain together,’ which is absolutely bullshit.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to begin relationships from the starting point of being willing to accept all types of dramas and antagonisms as what I gave myself permission to be acceptable within a relationship, because this is what I learned from movies, books and stories of people always having conflicts within their relationships, only to get to an inevitable happy or sad ending, just  like in the movies/ books.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so used to the idea of having to fight another in a relationship, wherein I would maintain myself in constant fear of conflict yet at the same time, giving permission to it as a way to mimic the stories that I had read in books and movies, which implies that I made of my life a series of events that I could later on recall just like a movie that I could re-enact in my mind to get a positive feeling out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel ‘empty’ whenever there was no ‘conflict’ going on in a relationship, because now I see and realize that all that I was seeking for was this rollercoaster ride of ultimate happiness and the direct opposite as conflict, anger, depression and any other emotion that I could use in order to deem myself as being ‘alive’ and ‘living’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to shape my relationships and my life according to having ‘something to remember’ as memories of good times and bad times within relationships, as a way to declare that ‘I had lived’ and in that, get a sense of completion for the amount of memories I would have been able to store/ gather from my past as a way to define that I had been ‘happy’ once in my life.

 

I commit myself to expose the nature of relationships as conflict and constant friction for the sole energetic purpose that they entail as in stirring these emotions and feelings within ourselves only, wherein it is really never about ‘the other’ that we are feeling or becoming emotional about, but only ourselves as the idea of the relationship we have formed toward people in our minds, which is then entire self-created and must be taken self-responsibility for.

 

I commit myself to realize that all that I had aimed for as relationships was the type of masochistic and conflictive type of ‘tough love’ that I had decided to use as a way to ‘fuel my inspiration’ linked to art and writing, which had become the way to believe that ‘that was what my life was going to be about’ in terms of living like a constant drama, just like the stories of the romantic dramas that some of my personal heroes would go through in their lives, within this

 

I commit myself to expose how we as human beings get extensively influenced by the media as books, movies, TV shows and other type of ‘entertainment’ wherein the stereotypes of society are portrayed as characters that we then try to ‘mimic’ which ensures that the population remains in a constant continuation of the past, without ever really pondering ‘what are we actually accepting and allowing as relationships in the world?’ because that would lead to self-realizations about the unnecessary drama in our lives, and eventually get to stop the entire commerce and business that buying books, movies, series that portray these exotic and eccentric type of stories as a way to continue binding ourselves to memories and experiences and the entire ‘who we are’ as personalities as the ego of the mind.

 

I commit myself to reveal and expose how it is that the only thing that we are neglecting all the time that we are caught up in our personal romantic affairs and conflicts, is the physical, life that is being actually used only as a fuel to convert into emotions and feelings that we had deemed as being ‘life’ itself, which is absolutely unacceptable when it comes to realizing that: all that we had ever been is these self-seeking individuals through relationships that do not care at all about the rest of the world and the actual conflicts and problems that entail Money not being available for all beings in the world, where real problems are in the nature of starvation, poverty, illnesses, diseases, abuse, sexual exploitation and a massive industry based on this ‘love as charity’ that certainly does nothing to actually support beings in equality as life.

 

I commit myself to walk through my own memories of relationships in order to clear my starting point for and if there is an opportunity to create an actual agreement of self-support wherein no emotion and no feeling become the directive principle within such relationship, as I see, realize and understand to what extent I had given my power away to live through my mind, instead of living here as breath walking equal and one with another as a physical being, and not as a crutch to continue all types of drama and conflict to have ‘stories to tell.’

 

I commit myself to expose how we have become addicted to ‘having stories to tell’ as a way to define that we have ‘experiences’ and ‘have lived life’ fully, when in fact, it’s just prostituting life in the name of personal satisfaction as any form of good experience that recalling memories as something of ‘value’ within our lives  can create within ourselves.

 

I commit myself to stop all wars within me when being with others as I realize that this is actually self-interest that then becomes one plus point to the overall conflict and continual friction in the world that keeps this entire system ‘running’ on self-abuse.

 

To support and assist ourselves in Relationships beginning with our Self-Relationship, there’s the Desteni I Process course on Relationships/Agreements that is the most specific way to go dissecting ourselves as memories in order to finally establish life-worthy agreements that can stand beyond any energetic fix that we had become so addicted to.

 

The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind would be actually quite cool as ourselves, living here as the physical breathing beings that we are wherein our minds are finally quiet equal and one as the physical, without memories to hold on to, without futures to look up to and in that, finally realizing the truth of ourselves in such completion. A long way to go, but we begin here.

 

No-lo-valen

 

Blogs:

 

Check out the Redefining Love group on Facebook and all the various vlogs and blogs about LOVE and Relationships


53: A Clockwork Mindkind–The Evil in Me is the Evil in You

When I watched A Clockwork Orange some 10 years ago, I was amused and fascinated at the same time with the entire story, without precisely knowing why I could rejoice in being witnessing Alex’s and his fellow droogs mischievous acts of random violence. The Fact is that for a long time, I thought that Kubrick had left the story in a ‘sellable’ ending compared to the original story in the book, which ends with a grown up matured and reformed Alex encountering himself with another one of his droogs and recalling the ‘good old ultra violent times.’ That seemed like a ‘right’ and socially redemptive ending that Burgess gave to a story filled with an actual accurate depiction of humanity: Evil, Madness, Violence and Vile-Ends to achieve a sense of power and fun.

 

The idea of ‘Humanity is Evil’ has been a constant thought pattern within me, and I can guarantee it has been within YOU as well. It is now that we are witnessing the real Evil of Man coming out from the gutters that we start pondering if we had held ourselves in high pedestals when it comes to claiming any form of ‘goodness’ and ‘benevolence,’ while the current state of the world can prove we have never in fact really showed any true benevolence that we could hold ourselves accountable for. Even more so, any attempt to ‘do good’ as charities, social services, helping the poor and starving is in fact fueling the same evil machinery that has created such conditions in the first place – and for that you must hear all about it here.

 

“While nothing is easier than to denounce the evildoer, nothing is more difficult than to understand him:” Dostoyevsky

 

We get a sense of pleasure from watching evil – here in México it’s very common to have these yellow-press as we call it which shows gruesome and explicitly gory pictures of people that are murdered, ran over, tortured and savaged in one way or another by fellow humans. That sells a lot – and the same goes for Hollywood and all the ultraviolent movies that leave Kubrick’s interpretation of Alex’s violence looking like an artsy Saturday Morning version of evil.

Now, what’s the REAL point here: We are willing to witness in others what exists within us. You, reader, cannot possibly deny that you have never ever thought of killing someone or committing the most vile act in one fleeting moment of absolute rage and madness, wherein your entire body becomes possessed by this seemingly unstoppable desire to go out and just destroy or kill something/ someone. And I’m being quite general in the description because the point here is to realize that we can only get a sense of pleasure from an apparent detachment from the representation and ‘acting out’ of what goes on in our heads. Hence, Dostoyevsky was rather kidding himself when thinking that we cannot understand evil, because that would be not wanting to know our true-nature. Yes, that’s the basic ‘shocking’ point for anyone that is willing to read and be Self Honest in this world – in fact, as I’ve mentioned in several blogs in the past, one of the key quotes by Bernard that allowed me to witness the reality of this world and remove – slowly but surely- my ‘veil of sanctity and goodness’ was

Self Honesty  is not nice or beautiful” – Bernard Poolman 

And this implies that getting to know yourself as who you really are in Self-Honesty, won’t come up as shining gold dust falling from the skies over your head and angels singing about your perfection – Hell, no. It’s quite the contrary and we’ve reached the time that had been explained back in 2007 within the Desteni material that would take place on Earth in the coming years – yes, we are 5 years from that time and it’s now quite settled and going on with full force. One just has to glance at the news of people committing more ‘vile acts’ even in full and broad daylight – like a man trying to rape a woman in a busy street while she was going out to walk her dog.

 

There is no place to hide and you know why? Because such evil is existent in every single one of our minds.

Denying it is futile, it is the same as talking to yourself and repeating a 1000 times that ‘you are a good person’ which is obviously stemming from the actual fear that we have experienced toward our own ability to exert our Real Nature, which is Evil in its utmost potential. This is one of the reasons why willing to delve into the pit of your own mind takes a lot of guts, as well as obviously making the commitment to stop both the delusional ‘goodness’ and the rawness of the evil nature within. ‘The Killer in me is the killer in you’  – another  piece of lyrics that to me meant quite a literal sense of reality: we cannot deny the fact that we are fully aware of how our Mind Works – yet we suppress it and deny it behind fake faces and fake smiles to pretend that ‘everything is sugar and spice.’ Really?

If we can spot the evil nature of man through our daily news and obvious consequences in this world, why is it so difficult to accept such same nature within ourselves? Is it actual fear of realizing who and what we have become?

I am sorry, Mr. F. Dostoyevsky – wherever in this existence you are – but a man that is willing to know oneself would not pretend ‘not to understand’ his inherent nature.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever deny the real nature of myself as a human being that by default emerged into existence as the result of friction that generated the separation that remained as a constant self-experience of division, antagonism, separation and longing toward the whole that I separated myself from in order to become energy that seeks to be ‘more’ than others, and in that be the primary source and origin of all abuse in this world and existence, for I see, realize and understand that for power and control to exist =abuse must exist.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever be resilient to accept the true nature of myself as the inherent nature of ourselves as humanity as Evil, because of having lived as an idea of being a benevolent being that cares about humanity and life and the environment, and it was ‘impossible’ for me to believe that ‘I’ could ever be ‘a mean person,’ which was simply the way to neglect any form of responsibility that I held toward this reality, simply because of being taught to always ‘do good’ which implies that I had to be educated to ‘tame’ my inner nature of actual evil.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to miss the very basics in common sense wherein: if we had to be trained/ educated/ tamed and indoctrinated to ‘do good’ and be ‘good respectable citizens,’ it implies that the actual nature of ourselves was Never of good, benevolence and actual consideration of each other as equals, otherwise, our education from our emergence into this reality would have been based in simply fine-tuning such ‘benevolent nature,’ and it wasn’t like that – we became the very battle within ourselves through constantly having to place ourselves back in the cage of our ‘do good’ mentality, without having any proper explanation to understand WHY we had to always be fearing ‘the bad’ and ‘the evil,’ which only lead me to create fear toward any bad thought that would come into my mind as a child, fearing my own thoughts, dreams and nature, which I learned to mask very well with smiles, ‘doing good’ and sticking to always thinking on ‘the bright side’ of reality, which caused quite an inner conflict when I would become aware of my own nature.

 

I forgive myself that  I have accepted and allowed myself to find a sense of vicarious enjoyment through watching the evil nature portrayed in films, stories, books, villains of any kind as they ‘dare’ to represent that which has always existed as my own nature, but hid and suppressed it out of fear, out of having been taught to always ‘do good’ and ‘stick to the positive thinking,’ which caused me to then only become a concealer of thoughts that would come up in my head, and fear them, believing that some other ‘bad entity’ was responsible for it – hence fearing all the dark and evil as it caused tremendous anxiety to face that which I was taught to stay away from at all cost.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the belief in god, spirits and guardians as a way to ‘keep me safe from evil,’ which would be the way for me to cope with that which I came to only constantly fear because of following the education of my parents who have also been educated in a way to always ‘fear the evil’ and ‘stay away from being a bad person,’ which is how I simply became fearful of all things evil, avoiding it at all cost and resorting to the comforting thought of god as a means to protect myself from my own mind and thoughts that could come up in any given moment, which revealed the actual nature that I existed as, but denied and suppressed which caused an inner-struggle and fascination at the same time for it.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that within ‘thinking positive’ I was actually correcting my real nature as the thoughts that would come up in my head – which now I see and realize is what we have all been doing as  humanity: staying away from the actual nature of ourselves and stigmatizing anyone that would dare to portray the actual evil-nature of ourselves in a blatant and open manner.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a point of fascination toward ‘all things evil’ and malicious at some point because it seemed ‘more real’ to me than the fluffy caramelized version of reality – associated with the pink color – and in that, always wonder WHY I had such a fascination for the rawness of human evil such as serial killers and demon possessions, wars, brutal massacres and everything that could point out that we were able to be evil/ kill others/ do ‘bad things’ that could disturb the world and society, simply because all of it was revealing our own nature.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep myself ‘safe’ from ‘evil’ through developing a personality that could be comfortable with seeing ‘the evil’ in others, but never really pondering where and how I was existing in the exact same nature of such evil and how I had repressed it and suppressed it in order to not have to realize the actual reality of myself as my own mind, as who and what I have always been, which is and must not be ‘feared’ but rather walked through a process to ensure that I no longer stand in the pole of being ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ but just a physical being that is able to coexist with others in Equality, which means: the beginning of the separation that instigated the evil in ourselves is able to be stopped and taken to an end with ourselves walking our process of Self-Honesty to ensure that we stop being the cause of evil/ separation and reverse of Life by stopping ourselves from participating in the same mind-set that disregards everything and every other being as one and equal with ourselves.

 

I see, realize and understand that the current evil in humanity is driven as an energetic experience that begins at a thought level – therefore, I ensure that I become aware of every single thought and forgive myself for every single attempt to give head to a thought that implies harm, abuse, desire for power, revenge, superiority and any other form of separation that is only generated the moment that I see others as separate from myself.

 

I see, realize and understand that every-one that is here is myself, and in that, any ‘battle’ that I generate stems from my very own beingness as energy, as thoughts, as a personality that seeks to ‘thrive’ as a mind in individuality – wherein I then take a deep breath and establish my self-directive principle of Life in Equality, as I see and realize that it is only through me stopping all forms of separation at a thought level, that I can begin correcting the inherent accepted and allowed patterns of separation that I’ve imposed onto Life, which has always been here as myself in and as Equality and Oneness.

 

I commit myself to support myself to lay out all that which I have veiled from myself, to not see who and what I have actually become as a mind that exists in separation of the whole – and in that, become the point that stops existing as ‘evil’ as the reverse of life and in that, correct my physically accepted and allowed patterns of separation that can only exist if I give continuation to who I am and exist as within my own mind.

 

“I commit myself to show why and how – the only solution to ourselves, humanity and so this world: is ourselves within ourselves as God/Energy-Authority/Consciousness control of separation, taking responsibility and walk ourselves into and as equality and oneness with and as the physical-body, and eventually this physical existence through and as the process of writing, self-forgiveness and self-corrective application. To, as we stop the separation within, and standing and living absolute equality and oneness as ourselves with and as the physical, we will so stop the separation without, and walk this world/current World-System into and as a System of and as Equality and Oneness, that ensure this world of sacrifice/suffering stop in the name of money, for each to have an equal and one opportunity Life/Living, as we stop the sacrifice/suffering to our own physical-bodies in the name of Energy/Consciousness.” Sunette Spies *

 

For further support: Demonology

Desteni

 

Featured Blog:

 

To Understand the Nature of Evil as Ourselves, Study from day ONE the following blog: Heaven’s Journey to Life 

 


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