Tag Archives: melancholy

Hey Nostradamus! – Personality suit exposed

“Look at us. We’re all born lost, aren’t we? We’re all born separated from God – over and over life makes sure to inform us of this – and yet we’re all real: we  have names, we have lives. We mean something. We must. My heart is so cold. And I feel so lost. I shed my block of hate but what if nothing emerges to fill in the hole it left? The universe is so large, and the world is so glorious, but here I am on a sunny August morning with chilled black ink pumping through my veins, and I feel like the unholiest thing on earth.” – Douglas Coupland

This is an excerpt from Hey Nostradamus! a book by Douglas Coupland that I read some 6 years ago  while being on a ‘spiritual journey’ a mind one, not an actual trip.  I had read other books by him as well, including ‘Life after God’ of which I will probably write about some other time.

In this book he depicts an entire process of ‘struggling’ with the idea of there being some type of ‘god’ while walking a continual paradox as this reality that would indicate that there is non. However, this particular quote depicts the type of writings I would solace myself with, some type of misery that  would enhance my world view, add the necessary ‘energy kick’ to keep my personality suit that I’ve described before in the Death and Destruction entry.

These type of writings is what I filled myself up while being on my late teenage years which was ‘cool’ at the time and in accordance to my questions and general desire to ‘know’ some type of ‘truth,’ to have or gain some sort of feedback as a ‘certainty,’ a kind of knowledge and information that could give ‘meaning’ to my life. Just as Douglas explains there, I was seeking for some sort of proof that this wasn’t only a cosmic joke and that our lives would have to inevitably ‘mean’ something.

Part of walking this process is debunking the lie that we’ve lived with this entire ‘yearning for God’ experience which is actually preprogrammed as an inherent belief to never see and realize that: we’ve always been here, that we are ALL that exist and that any form of philosophical trip looking for ‘meaning’ and ‘truths’ is in separation of the most obvious facts that are here, equally visible and tangible for all: we are the ones that have set the rules of how it all functions – we are the ones that have perpetuated the disagreements that are currently leading this world to a point of self-destruction based on the inherent disregard that we’ve had toward one another, yet keeping ourselves busy seeking some form of ‘inner-peace’ and ‘enlightenment’ while depleting the world and abusing all that is here in the meantime.

Our relationship toward an elusive idea of ‘God’ became another way of ‘coping with reality’ as if the idea of some superior and powerful ‘god’ could give us some ‘extra-strength’ to face ourselves. He places it quite nicely in the following quote: ‎”I think God is how you deal with everything that’s out of your own control”. I was once a God believer and as much as I have left this part of the process ‘behind,’ it’s cool to bring it up as a point of support for anyone reading this and still going through a process of disenchantment toward the belief in something ‘superior’ or ‘divine’ as an actual entity called ‘God.’ I clearly once believed out of tradition, out of passed-on belief, out of fear of literally having to realize there is nothing or no one ‘superior here’ – yet never getting to realize who I really am as one and equal as all that exists – who would want some type of ‘god’ within that equation?

The quote I placed here describes a general ‘mindset’ that I could tag with many names like melancholy, self-pity, misery, loneliness, gloom,  sadness, depressive, shoegazer,  doomy and mostly a general sense of ‘despair’ toward the world. Lol it’s cool to debunk this because this ‘attitude’ and general energetic experience became ‘my life’ and ‘who I was’ for such a long time. Seeing life through this smokescreen where everything seemed so elusive, so vague, so ‘magnificent’ yet seeing myself as something really ‘petty’ for this world, sometimes ‘not belonging’ and some others just believing that I had been born in the ‘wrong planet.’

Here I am, six years after I read this book and having walked for some years a process of understanding my personality and how I created myself, I can see how it is within this gloomy self idea of myself and the world that I kept myself just ‘busy’ with my own mind, seeking to create more experiences out of books like these, out of my own relationships with people that could fully support this type of ‘tragic’ perspective on reality, just sitting at caffés pondering about life, chain-drinking-smoking-coffee and doing nothing else but that. 

Now I realize how all of that is an absolute ‘waste of time’ in terms of remaining only as a certain experience that becomes ‘who we are’ while limiting ourselves and our ability to actually step out of such mind-frame, which is essentially the process we’re walking here.

First of all to stop all hope and yearning/ wondering about ‘life’ and instead realizing how we can practically start actually LIVING in this world by investigating/ writing/ looking at how other beings are living, how is the system that I live in functions, how are we keeping this system running, why have I accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by my own self-created experiences instead of looking at the reality that is here, that is myself, a reality that I am a part of and that I’m disregarding while keeping myself ‘busy’ up in my mind, continuing my gloomy view toward this world as if that was the only ‘thing’ I could ‘do’ – helplessness, a general sense of ‘I’m a victim of this world’ is what I was oozing all the time. I’m glad those times are over – though the process of disengaging from the actual self-created personality is still being walked as this is HOW I have created myself – resonating with everything that could support my inability to stand up and take self responsibility – why? Because being a victim is much easier than taking the necessary steps to ‘step up’ and become the change that I was only judging and criticizing/ complaining about in this world.

We’re not LOST, we can only LOSE ourselves up there in the self-created mazes of our mind – we are here, we are breathing, we walk, we eat, we shit, we interact and all in all I keep ‘finding myself here’ therefore, such ‘lostness’ was certainly another excuse to be aloof and idle and a general ‘drama queen’ to not face my reality and instead, indulge into addictions that could support my eternal ‘yearning’ for something/ someone to change the world.

Such feeling and experience as feeling like an outcast, a sense of being kicked out of paradise, looking for ‘god’ all the time is only the belief of such separation from ‘god/ source’ which has gotten us to neglect the life that we are and have been all the time, Here  – get the interviews on the Atlanteans to understand how and why this point happened. It’s all been an actual disregard of ourselves – us missing ourselves as ‘the point’ of our existence. We only can redeem ourselves to be actually able to stand here in Self Honesty as one and equal to this world by walking a process of Self For.giveness: I give myself back to myself to realize that the only thing I’ve missed is ‘myself’ as life  – hence I walk a process to learn how to LIVE in equality as everything/ everyone that is equally here.

Through this process of Self Honesty, I’ve learned how to trust myself, to not only seek to ‘stand in the back’ within this form of ‘inferiority’ and ‘pettiness’ as part of a self experience, wanting others do everything for me, to have someone ‘stepping up’ and keeping myself in a comfortable zone wherein I cannot make any mistakes or get ‘harmed’ by others – which was quite the ultimate defense mechanism within me to not face myself. My personality was then able to ‘fit’ into the world as a ‘sensitive person’ that could then be justified for being ‘down’ and then seeking something/ someone outside of myself to ‘get up’ and then down again in a never ending rollercoaster of energetic thrills. I remember how a friend of mine would say how he’d get to ‘enjoy’ being immersed in absolute self-misery and depression – I couldn’t fathom that and I judged him in that moment without realizing I was doing exactly the same thing within myself.

So – topics on alienation, loneliness, black comedy, drama, spirituality, angst, sorrow, acceptance, tragedy, the absurd and complex have been part of the ‘key words’ that I’d sought for and that I just took from the back cover of this book – lol.

What’s great about this is that once that the ‘pattern’ and personality is in my face, I cannot fool myself in pretending that I have not ‘become’ this by mere act of empathy. It’s called personality designs and I’m here to stop it, because it’s only a bloody program, because I see how even if in my mind there is still this desire to ‘keep it in place,’ it’s the ultimate statement of separation from the physical reality that is just HERE: no experience attached!

Have a look at a skinny, leafless tree with several branches twisted up high in a forest-like scenario at dusk – that I would immediately associate with this entire self-experience which indicates to what level I have brainwashed myself to add an entire experience to the sole expression of a single tree in a certain environment. Fascinating.

I am here to stop that, to see reality for what it is, to see and realize how I do not require to add any extra-toppings to reality with emotions and feelings that I had deemed as ‘indications’ of ‘being alive’ – that was probably one of the most impressive revelations in my life, whereas I had deem that the more I ‘felt’ = the more alive I was. What a lie – but we are fortunately well prepared now to face these buckets of cold water and support ourselves to actually LIVE.

So, no more gloomy self experiences for me – all of this is coming out quite nicely so I suggest that you, reader of this blog, take on this exercise for yourself:  have a look at the points that you’ve identified yourself with in your reality and see how they have defined ‘who you are’ in one way or another. To me this is kind of ‘bringing up the past’ but unless I stop myself from participating in all types of emotions and feelings, I will continue existing as that past – hence it is cool to lay it out for oneself to see what I have accepted and allowed myself to identify ourselves with as the preprogrammed personality design and stop participating in it here, for once and for all.

Now, this is not in any way a ‘bashing’ toward Coupland, he’s written out cool books that I see were ‘bridges’ for me to walk upon to then get to the actual swallowing point of realizing: there is no God, there is no such thing as ‘ultimate truth’ – you are it, you are here, you take responsibility and create a world that’s best for all – simplicity at its finest – but here I leave some cool quotes by Mr. Coupland.

Enjoy and thanks for reading

‎”I wondered why it is that going to heaven is the only goal of religion, because it’s such a selfish thing”

‎”To acknowledge God is to fully accept the sorrow of the human condition”

“A world of continuous miracles would be a cartoon, not a world”

‎”I think God is how you deal with everything that’s out of your own control”

‎”Dear God,
I’m going to stop believing in you unless you can tell me what possible good could have come from the bloodshed. I can’t see any meaning or evidence of divine logic”

 

Assist and support yourself to walk out of the personality suits we’ve become as part of this game or roles we’ve played in this world – let’s walk a process of actual LIVING and not only feeling and believing in something/someone that we are Not.

desteni.org

 

fantastic

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coupland, Douglas. Hey Nostradamus!. 1st ed. New York: Bloomsbury , 2003. 146. Print.

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Mellon collie

The inevitable moment of writing here as me in the moment

Quite a day and quiet day at times

I am committing myself to stop all reactions with family, which are very system-wise and are not willing to see.

 I also see my ‘saviour’ syndrome here, that’s why I experienced the reluctance to go back to school because I believe that I could fully engage myself in process to be able to assist and support others later, but…. I have to face myself and what I’ve created of my world, and if the world I created is ‘art school’ then… that’s the way it shall be.

I’m not taking 2 workshops… I’ll be taking one as I require time for me, I do not want to get all asphyxiated by school when i see no point in it.

So purpose in my life -as that which I’ve seen most of my life – has been related to ‘feeling good’ or liking the fact that I’m able to help/assist anyone in something… that is very clear, why? Because at some point I would see that I could ‘understand’ things easier so, I would be willing to help whenever I was asked for it example: studying, explaining something others didn’t understand…. etc though, this lead to some perceived ‘superiority’ as well. You place yourself in that position by having some ‘grandeur’ existing within.

So, after talking a bit about this in forum, I realized my own desire to escape from school and escape from what is here as ‘my world’.

The point where I still fall is compromising myself while being around family, meaning, still reacting to their stupidity, to their desire to blindfold themselves, to wear ear plugs whenever I’m around and start speaking. All coming from the desire for them to ‘open eyes’! but nope… I’m done with that, I’m just giving my power away reacting to their comments, their mind-blabbering, so… it’s done, no more and I stop

So, yes, there’s nothing I would enjoy more than assisting others, but this will come at some point. It’s as if i’ve known this my whole life, I used to write about it at times in past journals… but I knew I had to ‘find the ultimate truth’ (oneness and equality) to be able to move from there. . . and it’s here, it’s a matter of walking and assisting myself first here. Process is first, here, nothing else.

though…….

The experience of day contained some air of ‘hopelessness’, I know, there’s nothing to hope, but let’s say that I had to move myself more than usual, in order to not be sucked in by  dreary thoughts, by some sort of ‘sadness’ that has no meaning or purpose or even a real existence, of course…

Yes, it’s like that depressive feeling I used to have years ago. Sure. And I’ve also pin pointed that my life has truly been cycle and I’m fed with it. I got very fed up by having memories as pictures popping inside my head today… this is the same way I would experience myself whenever I saw vacations coming to an end. Also has to do with going back to school.

Memories as what I was doing in a day like today 2 years ago, one year ago, three years ago… Really, I became this real memory data-base beign specific with days and years… I’ve fucked with myself extensively as memories, Past, of course.

THe deal about taking photographs and photos being the captured moment in time that remains as memory…. memories, memories always kept in mind, memories as sunsets I’ve seen, memories of different shades of reds/oranges/purples/pinks/blues in the twilight/sunset/dusk

Cool thing is I know what depression is and I know that i can’t whine about it as I used to do, as I used to really swim in its deep waters until  I saw myself deep enough to get out that easily. . . And it’s not even about loneliness, because I know that I couldn’t be with someone… I have nothing to talk about to others that aren’t aware that i am not the same I used to be. But this is a ‘something’ that is influencing my experience here, very subtle, not defined by exact thoughts, it’s like a vibe that is around it all.

I went downtown to buy some canvass for the paintings I will make for that woman.. and I walked and seeing everything/everyone around me as I’ve done for years now, it’s always the same. And so I realize how our mind actually is so fucking cyclic. I defined this day, previous years, as being too sad because of that guy’s bday and other events… which is all bullshit lol And it must stop

Cool thing is, I no longer hang on to this. These experiences of myself each day point me to certain times in life where I would be defined by this. Where I would actually give power away to it, because I thought it was my ‘nature’ I was very much aware of cycles as life, exact same cycles, exact same times… yet, never saw it as ‘enslavement’ within traps of time, as memories… I would rejoice myself in memories.

So, standing up to that, memories/past/this existence as living the memory of the past requires more than one breath, more than one willing to do this.

As old times: seeing people’s facial expression, I could see myself in every one of them… just as i was experiencing myself at the moment

Melancholy! that’s it, not depression, melancholy is the thing, like stillness…….. so I moved. actually went biking out twice but even the color of sky was ‘melancholic’ lol fuck it, I’m not this as I know how cyclic this is and this is how I would ‘feel’ around these days since I became aware of life as cycles, some 4 years ago.

OK . Searched for melancholy at forums, not much, but there’s no point actually in wondering; it’s merely another feeling/emotion and it’s not who I am.

I see father as being kind of ‘melancholic’ guy, the kind of person that hates christmas because he had ‘sad’ ones when he was a kid. Fuck and I used to feel the same around that time

What is melancholy..= sadness, despair, stillness, depression…..

roads…. roads… the book on the road…. me in the road with family sitting way at the back reading the catcher in the rye while seeing red sky

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define melancholy as being down, being depressed .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the experience of melancholy here and according to past memories of what I perceive to be melancholy

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that melancholy was part of my nature, part of ‘who I am’ because of my father being a ‘melancholic’ person at times

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by ‘melancholy’ and the feeling of it, instead of being able to pin point the feeling and applying self forgiveness, because of not defining the experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive reading ‘the catcher in the rye’ as the moments of pure sadness/melancholy/depression within myself as who I believed and perceived myself to be while ‘shaping’ my personality 7 years ago

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated for yet not being able to unconditionally get rid of the past as memories, dates, years detailed as memory files within the database of mind

melancholy: red skies

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the image holographic presentation of ‘red sky’ to the idea/thought/emotion of melancholy

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to ‘seeing’ red skies and wanting to make believe, it would be a ‘sign’ in my life

melancholy: the dead flag blues

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea of melancholy to listening to godspeed you black emperor’s the dead flag blues’ song

melancholy…. the time before summer ends (vacation ends)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive melancholy as the predominant feeling whenever I would see myself getting near the end of vacation

I do not accept and allow myself to be defined according to experiences of the past

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that the time when the end of vacation is near, is sad

melancholy as memories of past when I would experience myself in certain way, building myself through memories of me being ‘fulfilled’ with others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to past memories when i would exist and allow myself to exist wihiin and as melancholy, because of thinking, believing and eprceiving it was part of ‘human nature’ in awareness’.


melancholic -me longing something …..

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define melancholy according to the longing/wainting/desire of something to happen in my life, usually to make it more ‘interesting’ and ‘enjoyable’

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to desire being interesting/enjoyable within and as my life experience, so I could be of interest to others

melancholic, linked to sadness, wonder, past, memories, time, cycles, definitions within the past around same times.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that, sadness is linked to melancholia

melancholy, coming from the idea that ‘things were better in the past’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever think, believe and perceive that things were better in the past.

melancholy is the memories running inside me that create this feeling of being melancholic

melancholy as stillness, not moving myself… wanting to only be, therefore, experiencing frustration for not being able to do so

melancholy as remembering my apparent ‘happiness’ around others as friends/lovers

melancholy as listening to A’s music while he played in front of me and I recorded video

melancholy as music that is apparently linked directly to this feeling/emotion

melancholy as seeing difficult times ahead, therefore, wanting to retreat in memories of the past, when everything seemed ‘alright’

melancholy as believing the past is better than present

Searching for definitions on melancholy I bumped into the 7 deadly sins and its counter part check it out

————————-

Vice  ↓ Virtue  ↓
Lust Chastity
Gluttony Temperance
Greed Charity
Sloth Diligence
Wrath Patience
Envy Kindness
Pride Humility


Polarities

So yes, I’m grateful for the mind showing me this today, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to release this through SF, great

Ok, tomorrow going to the sea with family. Should be interesting. Maybe not too much on the net, who knows though there’s wi.fi all around the hotel he he

Enjoy

I’ll continue writing sf on this, almost 1 and my eyes are closing

-Mellon collie and the infinite sadness is the name of a smashing pumpkin’s album. Came to mind while writing this post


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