Or how to walk through distractions from developing one’s relationship with oneself and another.
My point in this process is definitely personal relationships, that’s the ‘weakness’ or ‘weak point’ that I am now in a phase of my life that I have decided to create and stand in to strengthen myself as well as walking with my partner that is walking his own process of becoming a better person as he has expressed it. I recognize that my relationship is assisting me in precisely learning to transcend a lot of the relationship programming that I have accumulated throughout time and from my past experiences to discover a whole aspect of myself that I hadn’t yet lived in a relationship before, because of still sticking to playing particular roles based on fears or desires within relationships.
Giving a step of further commitment in a relationship has also been an entirely new terrain that I had placed myself to walk through once before in such consideration, but it didn’t work out as expected though I learned a lot from that one experience to prepare myself for the one I am in now. This commitment in a relationship to one person sometimes seems outdated or plain fearful to many because one perceives that one is then locked with another for a lifetime and there’s no way around it and one has to ‘stick with it’ no matter what. But, I’ve realized how as with everything a relationship has to be devoid of expectations, beliefs, traditions, cultural ways that can also infiltrate an idea of what a relationship has to be or what a commitment is and how it is represented.
I like the perspectives that were given in a hangout about relationships being something that lasts forever and how these fellow Destonians shared perspective that enabled me to understand how a relationship is something that is assessed and evaluated as one goes living in it. It takes a lot of self honesty here because I’ve been there myself so many times wherein when I am being challenged in my own ways, and the usual thing was to react to those conflicts and deliberately sabotaging the relationship, giving up on it and not pushing through the difficult times to take my own responsibility in the co-creation process. I’ve been there before in situations of leaving a ‘back door open’ for someone else while in a relationship and the ripple effects this creates even if perceiving oneself to be fully committed and only considering it in one’s mind – as well as acting out on those intentions as well.
This time in the relationship I am in, I’ve been challenged in many ways, to the core of myself dare I say and this is exactly what I wanted in fact, someone that could assist me to outgrow the old me in relationships, with my plethora of expectations and desires of particular ‘ways’ to live a relationship that I have slowly but surely come to redefine into something that is quite new for me and comfortable to say the least, it’s like living with another ‘me’ as in having no particular relationship towards that other person in the old-ways or approaches I had to past partners which would turn into a rollercoaster of conflicts and mixed emotions – and that’s been quite refreshing to me as well. Here also to remind myself that I can in no way compare anything or anyone for that matter, this is always a trick of our minds to keep us ‘captive’ in ghosts of the past, instead of focusing on what’s here, very much physical and alive to live.
However here a point I walked for myself as a very personal aspect in my writings is ensuring that I am not keeping a ‘door open’ or ‘see possibilities’ outside of my current relationship and reality. Here it is realizing what it means to feed or give one’s time and breath to think about ‘what ifs’ or potential other experiences in relationships, it is about realizing that I am committing to myself, to for the first time fully stick to my principles of self-honesty and the agreement that I have with myself and so with another to stand clear in a relationship without hidden agendas or intentions to ‘keep other possibilities in mind’ or ‘available’ in our lives, not even in a thought-manner.
This is one of those parts of myself that I have ‘minimized’ or seen as insignificant, thinking I can deal with it completely, that it’s under control – but, oh reality challenges oneself in the most awesome ways really where I have had to stand very clear in a form of self-discipline with regards to my relationship and work out a lot this point within myself when it comes to this self-agreement and the relationship that I’ve formed where I know firsthand the kind of ripples as in frictions, conflicts, distancing that happens whenever one entertains any thought about ‘other people’ or ‘what ifs’ as ‘potentials’ or ideas related to past partners or how it ‘could be/could have been’ to be in a relationship with this/that person . This point emerged as I was reading Kristina’s blog yesterday and considered how I have been precisely looking at this, how it is a form of the ‘revenge of the ego’ where we can be in a very settled, supportive and grounded relationship, yet how easily we can fuck it up by entertaining memories, ideas and experiences of who I was in the past in relationships that eventually come up as suppressed desires in dreams that I then have to face and recognize them as aspects/parts of myself that I have to make a clear decision to stop feeding within myself.
I see this point representing a perceived ‘lack’ or ‘desire to live the past’ which in my case, it was not at all a ‘good and supportive experience’ for the most part – but at the same time, I also have been looking recently at recognizing what can I take of each person that was part of my life in a relationship and integrate those aspects as part of myself too – as well as in recognizing which aspects of myself I developed, discovered or grew as my expression while being in those relationships in the past – while at the same time reminding me of all the conflicts and problems that I faced with each one and that I have been able to learn from in order to face experiences and conflicts that emerge in a relationship with another, which to my surprise in my current relationship has been quite different altogether from my previous experiences and I can only thank this Desteni process for it, specifically the Agreements/relationships course where I learned what it is to stand in self-agreement and see a relationship as an addition of 1+1 complete people walking together in support of each one’s living and working to become the better versions of ourselves.
My point of self-honesty to develop and work on in this case is precisely within the who I am in what I entertain or give space/breaths within my every day living when it comes to memories or ‘what ifs’ based on – once again – memories, ideas, beliefs, perceptions that can lead oneself to believe ‘one is missing out’ on something/someone or how ‘better’ things could have been in this/that situation with this or that person – these thoughts if entertained in the form of possibilities or memories, it actually becomes a weight upon oneself, where one creates a stagnation in one’s day to day flow by focusing on something as an idea or experience that is only in our minds – while missing out the reality that is very much here to keep focusing on nurturing, growing, expanding and creating to see who I can be and become when walking in loyalty, honor and respect towards myself when it comes to what I accept and allow to exist within me in relation to my relationship with another, honoring it and ensuring that I am living in a way that I can be at the end of times and stand with myself, my decisions and essentially be able to live with myself, because I’ve been in situations before where it becomes a personal hell to try and shove aside situations of self-dishonesty in relationships and not face them or admit them to myself.
Here then I commit myself to continue developing – for the very first time – a stance of full commitment to my relationship in thought, word and deed, so that whatever time and focus I create in the realm of relationships, I focus on my potential and ‘sculpture to keep working on’ as the relationship and commitment I am in, reminding myself of how many times I have allowed a simple desire for an experience to derail me from a path of integrity and honesty with myself and another – therefore this is what I will be focusing on to strengthening within me, which actually appeals quite a lot to correcting a very sneaky and repetitive pattern throughout my life that I have had a hard time to admit to myself exists in me.
Being loyal to myself is not only being loyal ‘towards my partner’ but being loyal to my commitment, to my integrity, to what I have decided from the beginning I would live in relation to this other human being I am walking with, in an agreement that we made towards one another and that I want to make sure I honor and live to the T in my life as the new me that I am creating for myself, no longer conditioned/condemned to repeat the past, but stick to a better version of me in this part of my life.
Here a reminder for myself how something that I considered was initially insignificant and kept aside from writing about it became a gift, a reminder of what I commit myself to and expand myself to in relation to relationships in general in my life, to not give ‘into’ a fleeting experience that is unsubstantial, and stick to the reality, the physicality of what’s here for me as a stone to continue to sculpt into self-perfection : ) hands on matter
Thanks for reading.
Check out these great sites for self support and self development :
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Get Real with Cerise & Joe
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School Of Ultimate Living | Facebook
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EQAFE.Com : SELF Education and SELF Awareness Store
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7 Year Journey To Life Process : People Sharing their Processes of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction
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Desteni Forum : Discuss and share with us
MarlenLife's Blog 