Tag Archives: memories

563. From Present Tense to Present-Here and Slowing Down

Or walking through fears that create a physical tension within a new experience

I noticed tension upon having to be learning to drive, it is one of those things where of course I’m not at all used to it therefore the initial fear that comes with it manifests as a form of tension in my body where after some 40 minutes of holding the wheel my hand was quite sore for a moment, which made me realize how tense I was while learning the whole thing in my first day, today after having completed the second day of driving it was already quite less, but I made sure to write the following blog yesterday so that I could become aware of all of these points while having to practice again today.

I’m also learning to embrace these initial fears and have a clear idea on how the only way to transcend these fears that I had created about driving – and the plethora of possible scenarios – are only in my mind and that when one is ‘at the wheel’ all that is here is myself/my body having to follow specific steps that require my focus and attention on every single thing that happens in every moment. What I mean by embracing the initial fears is specifically related to not wanting to deny, suppress or make myself appear ‘stronger’ than this fear that manifests as a tension, otherwise my whole attention would go ‘up there’ in the mind, wanting to ‘fight the fears’ and I would then end up not being fully present in physical reality in the moment when I was having to be paying full attention to the guy giving me the instructions, which actually happened for a few times yesterday and a little bit less today, but still made the same mistakes which I’ll outline here.

I noticed how I wasn’t listening to him at first, but instead I was using ‘tension’ in my body as a form of control, when in fact that only makes it all much harder and physically draining – and even now several hours after such exercise yesterday, I had a mild headache – which is something familiar to me whenever I get too tense about something that I am trying to control through fear, instead of focusing on self-control as in remaining stable, present, calm which translates into more of an ease at a physical level. Today I noticed the tension and deliberately would make the change to hold the wheel in a different manner to be more aware of how my back was doing, practicing stability throughout the whole thing which worked quite well.

There were moments while standing in the red lights or when not having to be coordinating the various steps to drive where I could manage to loosen up a bit, but I interestingly enough found myself sticking out my tongue tip and touching my upper lip, which is something that I would do as a child in fact when having a ‘superior’ as a teacher showing me to do something and where I by default would take that ‘inferior’ position of being ‘the student’ within a certain experience of ‘I can mess up many times and it can be ok’ or diminishing the mistakes with a bit of goofiness, which sure can be done the initial times, but I liked the approach of the teacher on identifying the mistakes so that I could become aware of them and not repeat them.

So what I did was voicing out the corrections, repeating the steps with my own voice because I realized how listening to him was not enough when being doing the steps myself, I would try and control the whole thing with ‘doing things quickly’ which doesn’t really work in this case, and I in fact had to slow down more and be ok with not doing it ‘fast’ right away considering that I am doing this for the first time, lol, there goes ‘Marlen’s exigency’ there with ‘speed’.

In a way this whole episode of learning to drive brought me back to my relationship to learning with or from teachers and how many times I simply would not hear them and ‘do things my own way’ which of course in some contexts might have worked for me, but in this context, the specific instructions and steps to learn this are there for a reason, which is something I fortunately realized early on in the first lesson so that I could in fact pay more attention to what he was saying – nonetheless this initial approach of ‘believing I know’ and then doing it my way of course didn’t result at all, because I then repeated the same mistakes.

Interestingly enough I witnessed a bit of the beginning of the next lesson with another woman and I noticed how she was in fact listening to the instructions and doing things much more slower which was quite apt in this case – whereas I kind of went a bit ahead of myself and due to the fear/tension I got somewhat clumsy in terms of the steps to take, which fortunately enough were only at the beginning and the rest were better, which was the result of the teacher letting me know I wasn’t listening and that I had to listen to get it done right.

It’s kind of funny though because it is so that it reveals a lot about myself and all the times that I have wanted to ‘rebel’ and ‘do things my way’ when it comes to teachers, in a way holding this ingrained belief that they are ‘holding me back’ from doing it some other faster and more accurate way, but! I realized this was not the case and that I was only kind of acting out some of my previous relationships to learning and specifically within the context of ‘teacher-student’ relationship so, it was cool to redefine it in the moment and in fact be able to recognize where I was ‘coming from’ in my initial moves, so that I can then become humble, slow myself down and in fact listen to him, which worked a lot better for both of us of course, as well as continuing voicing the steps for myself too.

I also noticed how any form of judgment created in the moment of doing what can be deemed as the ‘tricky’ or ‘difficult parts’ and repeating these ‘tenseness’ during those specific steps can lead me to eventually create a dislike, resist or create a whole polarity of ‘the good/fun/chilled parts vs. the tense/difficult/bad parts’ of driving, or creating a preference on things where I then start fearing having to ‘do’ certain things, or fearing having to confront certain situations like being on the front line of a row of cars and not being ‘fast enough’ to step on gas and get the car moving or having to get the hang out of going up a slope etc. – I would notice the tendencies to be kind of immediately judging some parts as ‘nice and comfortable’ and others as ‘difficult, tough’ which I had to also in the moment let go of and rather in a way living the word ‘embracing’ as in realizing ‘it’s all part of it’ and so seeing that creating a preference would only become a hindrance and eventual problem for me to earn and imprint within me the driving process in a stable, precise and comfortable manner, with all its parts/aspects involved.

And I have known how upon repeating those same judgments for a long time can eventually lead me to in fact resist doing something, all because of the many times I allowed myself to judge something, to fear something and feed those thoughts every single moment that this same ‘step’ or point would emerge in my reality – so, this time I let go of it and rather decided to practice to get comfortable in doing it.

Yesterday I also noticed how I was breathing more deeply in an attempt to ‘relax’ myself but the fact is that I can see where I can instead prevent creating a build up, a tension that then goes into a ‘loosen up’ and relaxation, which I have created based on the way I had experienced some points within a positive and negative experience; so that’s when I decided to not give into these perceptions and instead, see the physicality of the moves, focus on the steps, the method and taking it as is, devoid of ‘extra adjectives’ or judgments I may create in my head.

 

Therefore this time today it was much better in terms of my physical body, I don’t feel as tense as I did before after the driving lesson. I was focusing on the street, the car, the wheel, the feet and hands etc. – which for now still came through with a tension at a physical body level, but I did notice that I didn’t allow myself to run amok with fears in my mind, even though I could see my propensity to create them, I simply decided to ‘not go there’ as in ‘into them’ and keep focusing on reality and continuing practicing listening to the teacher.

One day after learning some theory and basics on getting the car going and going straight into the traffic was quite unexpected to me, but I went for it and ‘did my best’ in the ways that I’ve explained here, from changing my relationship to being told exactly what to do and initially sort of reacting to it from the past memories of ‘learning’ from others to actually seeing how it was in fact important to Hear and do things step by step as intended – lol – and slowing down. I also realized my own foolishness of how in wanting to ‘figure it out myself’ I can imprint the whole basics in a clumsy manner, which is not the point here.

I also noticed how I have a lot of memories of an aunt of mine that would pick my cousins and I from school and she usually would drive a manual car. I was at the time very judgmental about her driving, believing it was too clumsy, too slow, too unaware and now in a way I got to place myself in her shoes and so realized as well how sometimes what it takes is literally ‘placing ourselves in their position’ to then understand why it could have been something difficult for her to do and in a way also learn from those mistakes to correct them within me, I had not even realized to what extent her driving skills had created an impact on me to the point where her driving and memories of me driving in the backseat with her were coming up quite frequently while I was at the wheel, fascinating – maybe only a little bit from my sister that also drove a manual, but I got to also realize how these fears about driving a manual would come from what I perceived back then were there many ‘close to crashing’ times I had with my aunt, lol.

Therefore tomorrow I can continue reminding myself to keep an eye on my body, my hands, my legs to see ways to loosen up the ‘ingrained fears’ so that the tension at a physical body can be relieved with practice and developing an eventual comfort with it, which is why for now I can’t judge myself and my tension because it is ‘normal’ in a way at the beginning of learning  to drive, and saw that yes it is something we are not entirely ‘prepared’ for, but we sometimes cannot be; sometimes we can only be ‘as ready as we can ever be’ and take the situation as it comes while knowing that whatever comes, we can take responsibility for it, we can ‘respond’ to it, we can find ways to solve it.

For now I have to practice slowing down, because I have tended to be too ‘considerate’ of others and rush the whole thing because of not wanting to ‘waste the other driver’s time’ which is the reason why in rushing, I’d end up making a mistake and not listen to my teacher, because I was more focused on the one behind me that on my own. Man, I’ve made this same anxiety/consideration towards others even in supermarkets with trolleys, lol so I definitely know this pattern and that means I have to give myself the space to slow the fuck down, seriously. No one started doing things perfectly so, here also the drivers that start honking, I’m sure they also at some point learned to drive and probably have forgotten to be considerate towards newbies like me.

What I’m practically learning is to not judge the mistakes, realize it’s a start, it’s a learning process and rather being careful enough with the outside environment as well as within my physical body, wherein I definitely want to be able to breathe and loosen up a bit every moment that I can.

Interestingly enough what I have noticed however after these three days of lessons is myself slowing down in relation to walking and interacting with cars as a pedestrian. I have explained many times how much I judged drivers and kind of expected ‘them’ to consider ‘me’ but now upon knowing how much there is to be aware of while driving, I am now being the considerate one and developing a lot of patience when crossing the streets, not risking it, not going by ‘impulse’ so again, this ‘placing yourself in the shoes of another’ led me to truly consider the position that people are at behind the wheel and be able to consider them a lot more than I used to, which is cool and safer for me considering that ‘speed’ is quite a tendency for me, so, lol I have to truly slow down, that’s what’s best for all for sure.

Walking through fears in a physical manner is definitely only possible by actually doing it. I’ve done the same with riding a bike which I still don’t do on a regular basis after a massive fall I had some 9 years ago, and the few times I’ve taken a bike were also steps to test myself, to see how I do with riding a bike and sometimes my whole body would go into shaking mode, and the memories of the gruesome situation would come up again, but that’s where ‘moving’ myself to make a change comes in the way of Not participating within those ‘flashbacks’ and simply keeping focused and stable and breathing as a point of physical awareness that brings stability and focus for me.

I am also thankful to fellow Destonians because I’ve been aware of how some have walked through the same fears and read their self-forgiveness on it, where I could see that the way to correct the whole experience is to be present, here, be focused on one’s body, one’s reality and practice, practice, practice, as well as being ready to face whatever challenges may come in self-responsibility.

I share here then some material that can be supportive for others learning to do the same which has been supportive for me, as well as a fresh video that talks about comparison but interestingly enough also sharing a very real situation of ‘learning to do something for the first time’ and the physical process it in fact takes to do so in a comfortable manner.

 

·         The Design of Powerlessness and Disempowerment – Principled Living Cerise and Joe sharing first hand experiences on fearing driving and how they overcome it.

·         Day 298 – EQAFE Fears and Phobias of car accidents: my experience by Talamon

·         The Trap of Comparison by Sunette

 

Thanks for reading!

 

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Join us in our process of Self-Expression as LIFE


528. Hostages of the Past

Or how I’ve been existing in righteousness about the ideas, beliefs, opinions and perceptions towards people that I haven’t seen in a long time yet have dared to create an opinion about ‘who they are’ in their lives – and standing up from the gossipy me.

I listened to this audio interview called Directing Relationships and found it quite supportive considering I had a similar situation recently based on having to explain my past relationship with someone that another person also got to know of and we both had the point in common that our relationship with that person ended up with some kind of discontent on that person’s side so, in a way through this conversation we were seconding our perspectives about that other person being conflictive or ‘the problem.’

However the reality of the point is that I haven’t really talked to this person we were talking about in years and even if our last failed interaction ended up in me being like ‘what did I do that made him get so pissed off?’ I never really made any move to clarify things or haven’t made any decision to get in contact with the person and see where they’re at in their life currently, because ‘I saw no point’ but the reality is that there are judgments there that created such vacuum for me towards that other person.

Based on what I got from this sharing that Sunette recorded in that audio, I got to see how I did participate in a form of gossip in that conversation, where I was caging the person in a definition of who they were over ten years ago and where I last saw them which was almost four years ago, which means: a long time ago already.

I’ve noticed that I’ve actually kept this and many more people in my life in a particular bubble of judgments as all the reasons why I stopped talking to them, why I cut ties with them at the time – this mostly happening some 9 or 8 years ago, which is already quite a long time to even believe that I have a say on ‘who these people are’ currently, because I know for myself that I am certainly not the same person I was 10 years ago and that any idea, belief or perception I’ve kept throughout this whole time about someone being ‘this or that’ without actually talking to them and referencing ‘who they currently are’ ends up being an assumption and yes also a form of gossip where I believe ‘I know’ the person ‘so well,’ but is it, really? Not at all.

And another aspect is that even if I would spend my days with such person currently, I would still not have any authority to have a definitive say about ‘who they really are’ as a person, because it all would still be my perception, my opinion and limited judgment about another.

So I got a very cool wakeup call through this recording where I got to see where I had just precisely done that whole gossiping myself without even having identified it as such to begin with, because I was really certain about my ‘final verdict’ on ‘who this person is currently’ and I was standing in my judge position as if I knew exactly who the person is, not considering the time that has passed and the lack of interaction with them currently.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold people in my past as hostages in my mind, wherein I would only ‘release them’ if I could have any interaction with them where I could define that ‘I am ok towards them again’ and therefore, release all of the judgments of the past, instead of realizing that I am the one that has created this whole hostage situation based on my own judgments and that it is because of those judgments that I would not actually allow myself to approach them currently in my life, even if an opportunity would arise, which I hereby realize I have to change and be willing to be open and approachable if the opportunity arises to see, talk and hang out with these people again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in gossip towards another person that I believe I know ‘so well’ and speak from past memories of who I believed them to be ten years ago, while pretending to know ‘who they currently are’ as if I had an authority over them and have a say on their lives and ‘how they are’ which is not at all so.

Here I realize that what came through are all the judgments that I’ve kept towards that person as a series of reasons and justifications of why I decided to not talk to that person again, wherein I made up a belief in my mind of ‘who they are’ and thus why we are no longer able to get along or talk to each other – this is limiting for myself because I am holding another captive in my mind based on past judgments, which means I am holding myself captive to my own judgments as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have any say about another person that I haven’t had any contact with in years, yet that I’ve held in the exact same position of ten years ago where I last interacted with them sufficiently to say ‘I know them’- when in fact, I currently do not know them, haven’t talked to them at all therefore have no say in ‘where they’re at’ in their life or ‘what they’re all about’ – which means that any judgments and opinions I shared with another person about this person is nothing else but gossip, assumptions, opinions and judgments which I would certainly not want any person to do onto myself, therefore I have to live my own principles and not dare to speak of another out of old memories, experiences and judgments that I’ve held towards another for so long and that I have to take responsibility for within myself, not share my own ‘backchat’ about them with others as ‘the truth of who they are’ which is definitely now who I want to be in conversation with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my opinions and judgments towards another individual because of believing that ‘I know that person so well’ that I am entirely correct in all of my assessments, and therefore it gives me this ‘authority’ to say what I have to say about the person – when in fact, it is actually really daring to say ‘I know someone’ in the totality of who they are even if they were part of my own family or a close relationship, because most of the times we really don’t know a person in their totality and therefore it doesn’t give us any ‘authority’ to speak about them or define them in a set of words that I’ve kept mostly as a reason, justification and excuse to not have to align my relationship towards that person in self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that ‘I am right’ in my words and assessment about that person because this is what I’ve told to myself for all of these years to justify keeping that person in a ‘cage’ in my own mind, which I have not even dared to open up and investigate for myself, what the truth and reality of my relationship with that person entailed in my life and the impacts it had  in general, where I do not only look at all the seemingly ‘bad’ but instead I can also now dare to see it and open it up to recognize the aspects that I could take form that person in my own life and benefit from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the idea of a person in my head captive, judging them and loading them with ‘all the bad stuff and aspects I could think of’ in order to also make myself belief that ‘there is no value in another person because of all of that’ when in fact, I am the only one that is devaluing myself in keeping judgments like these about another person, even more so when not having kept in contact with them for such a long time which means, I don’t really know the person currently and I have no say in where they’re at in their lives currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become an absolutist judge in my head towards people in my past where I ended off relationships because of only focusing on ‘all the bad aspects’ that I saw at the time in them and so in a way giving up ‘on them’ without realizing that I in fact gave up on myself and my ability to learn to see a person for who they are in their totality, with all the pros and cons and not ‘give up’ on someone based on only focusing on the  problems, conflicts or disagreements that we had during a relationship, but instead be willing to also see the supportive and constructive aspects of a person as well, instead of believing that because I am no longer in a relationship with them and haven’t seen them in such a long time, I have a right to diminish and judge them with all my past judgments that were also created and kept from the time where I got to be most radical in myself and very absolutist in nature as well, which in the end has only been a limitation in me to not approach them with clear eyes myself.

Therefore I realize that I’ve kept my own righteousness, absolutism and judgmental perspectives upon people after all of this time based on ideas, beliefs or perceptions that I certainly see do not honor them as beings, nor does it all honor myself as the holder of all of that backchat as opinions, judgments, beliefs about ‘who others are’ which actually do not define them, but define myself as I am the creator and holder of such judgments ‘towards others.’

I hereby commit myself to stop holding others as hostages of the past in my own mind – including myself as well – wherein I have to remind myself that I can only be holding myself captive by those judgments wherein I am the one creating a barrier to not interact with these people anymore or believe that I would not dare to talk to them again, all of it based on memories, ideas, prejudices of the past which would mean I haven’t really self-forgiven and let go my relationships with them ‘back then.’

Therefore I have to give myself the opportunity to start from scratch and let go of the notion of having ‘a say’ about anyone of my past, and instead dare to get to know who they currently are, what they are about, how they are currently doing in their life and open up a door for me to also transcend a lot of my judgments of the past and within that, transcend the ‘judgmental me’ that I’ve kept with righteousness for so long within myself.

I also here commit to stop holding myself captive in ‘who I was’ in the past and therefore who I was in interactions with others in the past, so that if and when anyone speaks about another person that I used to be related with a long time ago, I can genuinely say that I sincerely not know where they’re at right now or how they are doing and I cannot really say I ‘know them so well’ either, because I only interacted them such a long time ago that it is not a fresh perspective that I can have any authority to share with another – and even if I had any current interaction with another, I genuinely have no say in defining another person with a few words in their totality either.  I can instead share a general experience of how I interacted with that person ‘back in the day’ while clarifying  that this is how it was before, that this defines me and my experience only, so this is only memory and perception based and has no validity to define who the person actually is.

By sharing these past experiences and emphasizing on how they were ‘experiences of the past that don’t define the person currently, nor myself’ I can also possibly assist others in learning to see for themselves how we tend to hold others captive in our minds based on a conflict or disagreement that happened in the past, which ultimately diminishes our ability to transcend our own limitations as judgments, perceptions, opinions and beliefs about ourselves and others.

So, I will walk as well a personal process in opening up more in relation to this person in my life because it is for a reason that they keep ‘coming up’ in my awareness and it might just be because I have kept them ‘in a cage’ in my mind, loading the idea of that person with opinions, judgments and perceptions that I sincerely had not actually realized I was doing, because of being completely believing that ‘I was right’ about my perceptions on that person and in essence, containing myself in a relationship with them of avoidance, of judgment, of holding a grudge and perceiving that ‘they were a mistake of my past’ which is part of what I have to deconstruct for myself for sure and so set myself free and set the idea I have of this and many others in my life ‘free’ in my mind, and standing one and equal to who they really are.

Thanks for reading.

 

 Captivity


418. Deschooling Ourselves: Why and How to Do it?

 

unlearn rethink

After watching Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves workshop video, I realized how important it is to be aware of how much of ‘who we become’ as a person in our society and in relation to others is shaped in and by the schooling system. To this, it would also be unfair to only look at school as the only one problem there is in our society, because schools were created by us human beings in the first place so there’s a human mind behind it all; albeit for all practical purposes, the idea of ‘education’ and the blind trust that parents confer to the schooling system makes of the schooling system set up the most easy way to actually justify integrating values, beliefs, behaviors, ways of thinking reality, ways of relating to others, ways of survival among one another where we are geared to continually having to prove ourselves to be ‘the best’ or ‘the worst’ in a system of standardized marks.

School is also the place where we come to first get in contact with people of different backgrounds, where our initial social clash begins which leads us to start inherently doing a process of preference over principle, which is how we come to build our very first friendships and relationships, where we as children do not  have a full awareness of us in fact being in a closed-system where one gets to be friends with people that could or could not afford some private/public school, and so already from there, we start classifying ourselves based on our socioeconomic background.

I have to say it is also unfortunately the place where parents place their most trust on within the systemically integrated belief that ‘whatever happens in school is just fine’ and that teachers and the government system behind it as education system ‘knows best’ – while parents mostly see this as some free time from their parental duty – or are deliberately also kept busier with long hours of work which is leading to unattended children growing up in front of TV’s, computers plugged into the myriad of boundless information on the internet and learning tricks about drugs and developing sexual deviances as a way to escape the inherent anguish of living in a world where parents must work 24/7 to get money to live, and where you as a child/youngster will invariably have to end up doing the same… I mean, who would not react to that expectative of one’s ‘future’ in this broken world? Yet we dismiss it and actually have come to blame schools, blame media, blame the government, blame parents and so as you can see blaming each other for the problems we have co-created in our society of which school is one great and pivotal pillar of.

 

robots

 

There’s a complete structural problem in our society and a large part of it has to do with how we haven’t questioned our sacred institutions like schools and the way they exist nowadays, which from my perspective are more like prisons or reformatory cells, they have always been the brewing ground for behavioral conditioning, human experimentation and indoctrination which goes unnoticed within the idea that there’s always an authority that somehow has a ‘greater understanding,’ because we place our trust on systems of validation, certification and quality-proof standards placed by some organization we’ve defined as government, which are a few individuals that have unfortunately proven to be easily bribed to rather arrange laws and regulations in a way where other individuals can be benefitted from it all – either for profit, for further population control or both. All of this apparatus of authority is currently quite skewed of course and it is rather alarming since school is the spot where kids are mandated to go to every single day – yet, even if kids do not go to a school per se, the same principles of it are still embedded in the way that we organize ourselves, in the way that we related with one another, in the way that we value ourselves, in the way that we choose what we want to do with our lives, in the way that we behave with our families and friends. The sheer idea of ‘education’ as it exists now is only a reinforce and catalyzer of essential mind and behavioral patterns that have existed within us as human beings since the beginning of our species, as they are all existent in the very core programming and functioning of our minds. So, what have we done then? We have only perfected the mechanism to make it a continuous mandatory process for kids to get to like/dislike certain things and make decisions based on, well, mostly fear of survival so that we can keep the same slave system mechanism running. But is it really the system that is the enslaving one? Or is it that we haven’t really realized where the real policeman ‘in the head’ resides in? Hint, the answer is already given in that question.

 

In Charles Eisenstein’s Deschooling Ourselves, a group of people walk through and expose all the behaviors, personalities, quirks and fears that they have become throughout their schooling years, wherein either one would stick to the rules and follow or dissent and rebel in whichever way possible, one would start valuing oneself according to the kind of work you deliver to the teacher, another would seek to prove the teacher wrong, another would seek be approved by them, another just wanted to break free and rebel against all rules… this also included some other more personal aspects like  because in school we also have mostly faced some of our most embarrassing or stressing moments.

I’ve shared before about crying over getting lost during math calculation exercise and not being able to keep track of it, getting so anxious that I burst into tears. From my experience, I’ve shared before about the usual pressure one would get when being ‘on the top’ and so having some classmates trying to ‘take me down/take ‘my place’ and directly letting me know how they would win over me and how they would see me fall and be glad for it, etc. All kinds of bullying also comes when being the one that sticks to all rules and does things ‘to the T,’ which to me for example later on became a way to simply dislike being used as an example for the class, which led me to then want to hide while  still wanting to keep my sense of public recognition. This influenced the way I shaped my main personalities: I started to desire being ‘cool’ for any other reason other than getting straight A’s …  and kind of a ‘rebel’ by liking non-popular things so that I could make it clear that I wasn’t ‘the teacher’s pet’ either for example.

All of these patterns are part of a lengthy self-investigative process that is contained in the pages of this blog as I’ve seen that most of the times when investigating any mind pattern, word or behavior, it invariably goes back to one of those ‘memories of schooling days’ and how some of the most ingrained fight or flight patterns, behaviors, attitudes, self-definitions like qualities and virtues, likes and dislikes as well as career choice a.k.a. who I wanted to be and become as a person, were shaped based on the same education system. To me it also involved a process of sharing a room with either 6 other kids in my first school and then moving onto being with over 35 in the following schools and universities, which is already quite a challenge when it comes to seeing how it is virtually impossible for teachers to be truly aware of students in large classes.

School becomes ‘the place’ where we are supposed to ‘find our ground in life’ and so, it’s quite obvious that we only become copies of the copies of stereotypes that we also acquire from the usual imprinting of professions we are supposed to go veering toward from an early age as part of the social-structure – however along with that, we got movies, TV shows imprinting a whole different set of values with which we believe we are in fact ‘making a free choice’ to do what we want, but we have never even questioned whether what ‘we want’ is in fact something we truly developed for ourselves or something we learned from school or saw on TV or internet.

In essence, we have never really been genuinely ‘ourselves’ as all we have become is copy of the copy of the coping and survival mechanisms we’ve shaped as personalities or professions, and that’s what I mostly have realized also when it comes to investigating myself and my ‘core personalities’ and how everything that I developed as ‘my personality’ was a collection of bits and pieces of popular counter-culture aspects along with a decision to antagonize the system no matter what, while remaining ‘safely’ in it at the same time since I would still like to be the obedient straight A person in school, lol, even if I tried to ‘rebel’ at the end… it just would not work as I couldn’t simply fathom myself being irresponsible at school which involved a sense of responsibility of ‘school being the one thing that I had to do as my main activity’ throughout the years.

What is behind that, for example? Fear of being punished, fear of being left behind, fear of losing my self-value and definition? Fear of losing my ‘throne’ as the first one in the class? Well, these points are definitely something that come to define ‘who one is’ based on a particular setting like school, where we actually acquire this way of thinking based on achievements, values, marks, behaviors and responsibilities that lie not within a common sensical practical outcome, but according to doing things the way they are asked to be done and according to a ranking system that is in no way based on the particular skills and abilities that are unique to each child, that is simply not part of our school system.

At the end of that Deschooling workshop by Eisenstein, the ultimate question remains: how to Deschool ourselves? And I simply realized that actually walking this process of self-investigation, of writing oneself to freedom, of developing self-honesty wherein we investigate our core patterns within ourselves is the best way to deschool ourselves, because in investigating our behaviors, our personalities, our fears, our manias, our weaknesses and strengths, our relationships, our friendships, our first traumas, our first embarrassments, our bullying experiences, our relationship to authority, our ability to learn, our qualities and deficiencies, comparison and judgment toward others, our discriminatory or empathic behaviors, our friendships, our enemies… all of these aspects that one actually gets to first live in school – most of the times – are part of what one can write out for oneself, investigating each pattern within the awareness of writing the experience out to identify how is it that one has limited oneself in such pattern.

So for example, if I had continued to only value myself according to what marks I would get in school, and feel ‘bad’ for getting a lower mark, then I would have continued to seek to get some ‘straight A’s’ or the equivalent way to get such ‘superiority validation’ somewhere else in my world, just because of not wanting to get to the opposite side of that and so lose my self-validation/recognition. So I had to work with understanding ‘who am I as recognition’ and the desire thereof, where am I not valuing myself, how have I accepted and allowed myself to only value myself according to achievements at school? Or how have I believed myself to only be a brain that thinks well? Where am I not actually seeing myself beyond this limited valuing perspective and really seeing through a broader potential that I had probably and most likely would not have developed if I had continued to only stick to my personality and personal desires.

So, deschooling ourselves involves a practical and continuous application of walking a process to self-forgive and let go of all the plethora of perceived flaws, definitions, beliefs, limitations, fears and rather work with developing real self-value, real self-acceptance and skills to develop ourselves to our utmost potential. In this, for example, I had to stop the desire to be recognized by others, while at the same time also walking the opposite polarity – because, as one walks one pattern you also get to understand how the mind works in polarities. And so I realized that along with my desire to be recognized, I also got to fear being recognized and so actually sought to ‘hide’ or become a rather ‘low-key’ individual while still holding on this ‘recognition’ point in place, so essentially I would create my own inner conflict which I even externalized in the way that I would dress in a rather extravagant manner while  at the same time using my body’s posture to indicate that I didn’t want to be seen, so I would hunch while walking because I believed that standing straight was ‘showing off’ and only able to be done by good looking girls for example, lol, yes all of this is a fine example of how we pollute our minds in fact.

So, this is just a tip of the iceberg example that one is actually able to investigate for oneself when looking at all the patterns we’ve become in our lives, not only from school but acquired from parents, from people we watch on TV, from the books we read, from the people we admire, from our friends and people around us, etc. As I’ve mentioned, we’ve become the copies of the copies and so the schooling system, the social system has become nothing but a reflection of these categories and identities existent and developed in our minds wherein we get lost in comparison, judgment and the idea of value in relation to ‘who we are’ within the system, all of which actually enables us to coexist within our current dog-eat-dog mentality, where all that matters is achieving personal glory regardless of who or what is abused and affected by it, or ‘collaterally damaged.’

 

I am a product of this society and I’ve had to walk this rather astounding process of deschooling myself,  of deprogramming myself in my mind while at the same time walking a process of self-creation, which is a continued process of self-investigation of every single moment, every single day wherein one continues to assert oneself as the new integration of common sense, of living principles, of a sense of commonality, of a consideration of what’s best for all, of not following an experience as to ‘how I feel’ or how I believe ‘I should feel/be like/act like/talk like’ to dictate who I am in the moment,  wherein it is a continuous process of letting go of any constrains and limitations that I have previously identified through writing, and have released through the process of self-forgiving behaviors, emotions, feelings, thinking patterns, ideas about myself so that I could then practically and actively work on stopping myself from running-through the same old programmed ‘me.’

Now I place my focus on attention on this self-creation process which is truly a first-timer for us all to be able to walk and do, because it is now that we are for the first time becoming more and more aware of things that were deeply rooted in the unconscious before. Now we are able to slowly but surely as humanity able to spot these patterns and behaviors with greater ease, and I have to say that this then a great opportunity and it does rejoice me to see more and more people starting to question themselves, and the overall world-system, which indicates there’s in fact a great opportunity existent here to change the direction of our lives if more and more people start waking up and smelling reality for what it is so that we can work together to correct and align it.

I must also say that when I speak of this process, it isn’t something I do ‘by myself’ nope, it would have been mostly more difficult I’d say – I walk with a group of people networked through the internet – around the globe – with whom we’ve shared our lives,  our writings for over 7 years now, keeping in constant processes of developing and strengthening our communication and feedback processes to ensure that we don’t get lost in this re-educational process we’re walking, which has to do little to nothing to any regular ‘schooling system,’ but we are all more than certain that more individuals must recognize the vital importance of implementing this self-investigation process as part of our schooling system, learning how to work with our minds as our thoughts, feelings, emotions, to learn how to effectively write them out and communicate about them while integrating a sense of self-support through developing common sense: the consideration of what is best for all. 

It is about time we realize that it makes complete sense to actually focus on empowering each other to learn how to best coexist as human beings rather than focusing on being liked by the teacher, or beating our classmates, or planning ways to get into a group of friends to ‘fit in,’ or planning our greatest success where we disregard another’s life of lack of opportunities and suffering that is and has become our collateral damage in this zero sum reality.

It is thus in our greatest and most common interest that we could all walk this self-education process of self-honesty which is a process of self-creation according to living principles to get to develop ourselves to our fullest potential, and so make it part of our educational programs in whichever way they take shape in the (near) future once that we more and more realize how detrimental and even harmful our current standardized type of educational systems are which actually stems from the skewed and misconstrued value systems in our minds.  

So, the best way to deschool ourselves, which is the same as saying the best way to change ourselves is definitely walking the Desteni I Process. There’s no greater set of tools in this world, nor greater group of people that commit themselves to support one another throughout this Journey to Life, to live in dignity and equality. And I can only encourage everyone to try it out for yourself, because if I had aimed at simply wanting to ‘change’ but not really investigating my mind and living patterns to the utmost degree, to really learn how to sweep behind the rug of my memories, my past, my experiences, to understand who am I within my mind and how to practically apply and establish solutions in my day to day living, I would have been equally lost in a constant yearning ‘for change’ but not really knowing how or where to start.

This isn’t an easy thing to do either, it’s probably the greatest commitment we’ll ever make in our lives, which is our commitment to actually learn how to live in the benefit of ourselves and all life considered. However, it will for sure be the most rewarding and long lasting for future generations as well.  

 

Recommend to Read:

Teacher’s Journey To Life

 

Remove the cords - self change -deschooling - desteni

Artwork by Damián Ledesma 

 

 

Recommended to watch:

Hear the Podcasts:

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


416. Relationships: Not about the Taste, but the Nutrients

 

There are times when the most obvious still manages to become part of my moment to moment living, and this has been mostly ghosts of the past meaning people, places, past relationships with specific individuals that I also developed highly obsessed type of relationships too. And so what I heard in an interview on Paranoia is about this “positive” type of paranoia wherein I realize that I had missed one single key point: the moment that we allow one memory to occupy our minds and we reactivate the experience of that particular memory in the past, we allow ourselves to re-activate that whole ‘me’ of the past in that single fleeting moment where one gives-up/ gives into any form of energy based on memory. Lol, really it is as if we decide to possess or poison ourselves for a moment just to give ourselves our energy-shot while imagining/seeing pictures in our mind, where we use illusions to kick off an experience within ourselves that we have defined as “pleasant” – either nostalgia, yearning, excitement, excitation, curiosity or merely believing that I miss the person or situation.

 

But then again of course when realizing this – after listening to this interview – it became very obvious how even almost like at a quantum level, even before translating this interview I was having an itching desire to just leave that one for later and go out for the walk. But, I didn’t, I made sure I got it all recorded before leaving and I was glad I did as I was then able to then use my time through my walk on my way back to apply Self-Forgiveness out loud for all the bits and pieces of memories and seemingly ‘insignificant’ moments where I would allow myself to trigger the thought of a ‘ghost of the past’ – meaning a particular memory of a person, situation, event – and then engage within it in a pondering manner, which is mostly what I’ve seen and realized means I hadn’t entirely decided to give ‘good riddance’ to it, to fully and actually let-go.

 

And in this, what came up was the realization that I cannot really ‘miss’ anything or anyone as I am already here, one can only ‘miss’ something as an experience in our minds, as the bond created toward that something or someone.  So, missing implies only ‘craving’ the relationship formed at an energetic level toward another which means: a relationship formed through the mind, which are the only kind of relationships that can be missed, spoiled or desired as they had a starting point of energy and ended up being busted as energy – never real.

 

Within this, I see that the people with whom I have formed relationships based on co-operation, co-working, working through misunderstandings and genuine decision to support each other are rather the strongest and most constructive type of relationships that I would genuinely suggest all of us as humans to develop and invest our time and effort on, it is the kind of relationship that is not dependent on ‘preference’ toward another or a fleeting experience of desire or attraction or based on being ‘similar,’ but rather in the equal recognition of each other as human beings with our weaknesses to strengthen and our strengths to share and learn from each other.

 

I saw that I had associated the word relationship in a rather limited manner wherein I could mostly only see a partnership type of relationship and within that of course, believing that because ‘my point in process are relationships, then I am not doing that well’ and so even creating an experience of ‘leaving that point for later,’ instead of realizing that I would not be able to be doing what I’m doing if I wasn’t able to actually establish relationships with other individuals.

 

So yet again, seeing to what extent I/we have been brainwashed when it comes to words and our narrow view of these relationships wherein even only defining relationships to ‘people’ is still a limited perception, as life is a conglomerate of relationships, and so relationships are the key to being able to function as one organism and be able to live in harmony. For that, each one of us as a thread in the tapestry of our reality has to stand in principle and absolutely clear when it comes to being able to work with one another – what does being clear and standing in principle mean? It implies that there can’t be no past memories haunting one another based on past mistakes, judgments, preferences or merely suggesting ‘incompatibility of characters’ that trigger emotions of contempt and disdain to one another or ‘nice’ and ‘positive’ feelings to one another. In this, any energetic experiences toward another, no matter how subtle, no matter how positive or negative are always coming from the mind, and as such they become like a poison that prevents real supportive and constructive relationships from developing.

 

Why do I bring up the word poison? Because in my own experience, I’ve seen relationships come and go based on the energetic starting point I started and developed them with, wherein even my sole intent and desire to create a bond with a particular person backfired to the point where none of those relationships is standing at the moment, and it’s for the best. It is a tough lesson you see, more so when we have created a culture where all that you learn from TV and movies is to ‘fall in love’ and seek for that ‘spark of love’ or attraction with another, or that nice warm empathy felt to someone that becomes your friend or else – it’s all about ‘feelings’ as fuzzy warm energy sparks that we create in our body, believing that ‘this is normal’ and ‘this is what love is’ or what ‘relationships should FEEL like’ – when in fact Relationships is anything but a Feeling or a fleeting experience in our minds. They are actual processes of walking with another/others throughout a considerable amount of time to get to a particular outcome – to either develop an intimate relationship as partnership or to develop common tasks and projects to take on.

 

Why is there no-energy type of relationships? Because all that we’ve ever known and learned about relationships is to place the FEELING before anything else, and this is rather consequential and on the long run, only smoke that eventually fades out and what is left is mostly the result of our failed relationships: broken marriages/divorces, inability to communicate and eventually war too is a failed ability to cooperate with each other as equals, but instead keeping a particular experience toward the perceived ‘enemy’ that is always self-created: we decide who we hate and who we love, instead of always placing our equality as living beings above all other forms of segregation, which is mind created.  

 

I also spoke self forgiveness for having actually used and abused myself when it comes to using a memory, a ‘ghost’ essentially to trigger an unnatural experience in my ‘physical-moment’ of being just here and suddenly going into this shift as an alternate reality of a sudden yearning, a curiosity, a ‘cherishing the past’ attitude that I took as normal without realizing that in going to the past in those seemingly ‘fleeting moments,’ I have kept reactivating the whole ‘me’ of the past, as the one personality with all its various memories and networks within me linked toward that particular person/situation/event whenever I would allow this ‘ghost’ to emerge within me.

 

I realized that the reason why I wasn’t letting go is because it is those first relationships that you establish that have the most energy, the ones that we get the most obsessed about or give the most attention to, which is why we go endlessly seeking over and over again that ‘first high’ – this is what I suspect heroin addicts seek forevermore after their first shot and they cannot get it ever again,  because it is unlikely that the body can experience such dramatic change of state again. And so addicts try and increase the dose, but it won’t ever be ‘the same.’ It’s the perfect trap when it comes to enslaving ourselves to memories attached with such ‘high experience’ you see: we keep chasing energy, we keep chasing ghosts in our own minds that no one can see but still we allow those ghosts to come up and absolutely define ‘who we are’ in one moment.

So this is a point of awareness to truly be here as breath and not allow the same memory/matrix point to lock-me down into the same thinking patterns, which at times it’s as if they were ‘there’ in the air in a particular place and one would go ‘picking it up’ as one walks through such path – just as one walks the street for example.

 

To Forgive and Let go

 

All that is Here is myself, it’s who we are, and I could only ‘react’ to it if I had formed a special bond/relationship to it through energy. Energy – for all practical purposes – is a mental experience, it implies separation and as such it makes perfect sense to remind me about this aspect of the points of separation that I create through holding on to the specialness in those ghosts from the past, a perceived importance, added care and interest to a part of me that I developed a particular relationship to.

Here another reminder is that no matter how ‘subtle’ this is, whenever I perceive this ‘ghost of the past’ as something that ‘defined me’ and as such is special because ‘it changed my life’ etc. it indicates a speculative relationship toward that something/someone: it’s energy, it’s my mind, it’s memories, it’s invisible, it’s a ghost and I have to stop haunting myself with them.

How I’ve seen these emerge is as if in my mind there were  like these various hooks that containing some of the most ‘attached’ type of experiences and relationships formed in my past, so it is like a broken record seeking to be flipped for another play. It is also quite laughable to what extent we have given up our ability to remain focused here on reality because of having followed these ‘ghosts’ in our minds, giving up our attention to us being here, breathing and suddenly whoop! Going up there in the mind, following these flimsy little things that we already know where it lead us and that tend to constantly emerge in the moments where the actual opportunity to be fully here, physically exist. They come up, ‘innocently’ and the moment we get into the web we get caught – so it’s up to us to decide how far down the rabbit hole we go or if we can absolutely prevent even getting ‘curious’ to fall for the same hole that we already know leads us nowhere in fact.

 

If anything, it is great to observe these memories, to really look at the experience triggered and sometimes it is as if ‘revealing the name of the game’ as the name of the energy would already break part of the spell, because it is in our inability to discern the ‘hold’ that such memory has upon us that breaks the ‘spell’ so to speak.

So instead of going into an experience of being unable to identify the experience we’ve linked to the memory (of a person, of an event) and perceiving that one ‘can’t name it’ but we ‘like it’ so ‘we keep going and go for it’ – it is to realize that I/we have to stop playing naïve when it comes to what we dive into and/or indulge into in our minds. And yes, it’s mostly always about memories, memories, memories – the ‘reminders’ of who we are supposed to be, act like, fear, like, dislike, desire, etc. There is always a way to find out the energy in a memory as in defining what makes us feel good or terribly bad as the most extreme points of fear and desire, like or dislike, these relationships of separation through energy as positive or negative experiences that we create in order to define us, to continue limiting us – but never realizing that by de-fining/delimiting and identifying us with a ‘few aspects’ we’re already building up our personality cage from which we then seek to interact with ‘similar cages’ and avoid ‘different cages.’

This is how we come to create a caged world divided by words, experiences, misunderstandings, offenses and past broken relationships. It’s even funny how we’ve learned to ‘get over’ with some past love or relationship with an individual by then going to the opposite type of relationships such as going from ‘love’ to ‘hate’ and so proceeding to ditch them, taking them in our minds to the opposite side. In this we recreate the exact same relationship to them, it remains in place because all we did was changing the ‘charge’ or the definition ‘tag’ of the relationship build up – in this case moving it from love to hate, but our personalized relationship to that one person/event/thing is still the same: based on energetic experiences that only we can define because: they only exist in our mind.

I still very much ponder how come we haven’t declared mental insanity around the globe so that we can create a genuine ‘state of emergency’– along with our regular duties and responsibilities – make it mandatory for our common wellbeing to work on our mental stability, health and support ourselves to go through it, as that is the key to genuine peace and solidarity on Earth, to learn to ‘love our neighbor as ourselves.’

So the conclusion is that I cannot keep going fueling these mosquitos from the past, these buzzing little things that can become our sole point of attention if we get to be obsessed with ‘finding more’ into them, instead of seeing them for what they are: ghosts, reminiscences of what once was and it has in fact nothing to do with who the person or situation really is or was in fact, as all that we remember is OUR EXPERIENCE about the situation/person, and that’s always self-created, that’s our own ghost-factory creation, and in this we only continue dividing and conquering each other by illusions.

 

So, hereby I commit myself to stop fueling any tiny thought or memory that leads to an experience about the person/event/ghost of the past and realize and so in those moments realize I can instead fully breathe and realize, I am here and I continue walking and enjoying the moment for what it is.

I realize that we only want to ‘make more’ of our moments as an experience in our minds, and it is the simplicity of breathing here what we perceive ‘lacks’ something, like insipid food that lacks salt and the salt being the energy. We don’t need those ‘extra flavors’ as the flavor comes and goes, it’s only perceived for a few moments on our taste buds and then what really matters is the actual nutrients that we are ingesting and how it will support proper development of our physical bodies – that’s the real type of nutrition then we also have to seek in personal relationships too: not going for ‘taste,’ but rather working on the actual nutrients that we all have and can develop further in each other as we work and live together.

 

My declaration of Living Principles:

22.    The realization that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all

 

breathing being

Suggested Supportive Interview:

When Words are the Looking Glass to Ourselves – Reptilians – Part 203

 

The Free Desteni I Process Lite course is a first platform of self-support to learn more about ourselves, our mind and understand how we can practically improve our potentials and skills.


403. How to Stop Living in Defense Mode

I have previously discussed how it is that we condition ourselves to create/put on a hard veneer in order to – let me be frank – not be fucked with/bullied/attacked by others and how this becomes like a second skin growth to actually make up for an initial experience of being vulnerable or having felt attacked by others words/actions. Here we can see how we condition each other to be constantly expecting the worst from one another, and so becoming the ‘fighters’ in the battlefield that we’ve created of our lives.

There are various reasons for this, one can be survival which is the way we have conditioned ourselves, our human nature to be guarding our own interest out of fear of others taking it away or abusing each other to get the most with the least effort etc. Another one is more related to that ‘attack’ that exists as a violent action toward one another, verbally/psychologically speaking while at the same time having the possibility to escalate to become physical as well. This is how I could see that we begin ‘corrupting’ ourselves0 when taking each others words personally, as a ‘personal attack’ and so create it in the form of bullying or ‘trollism’ as it exists now.

Here I’ll focus on a rather simply form in which I’ve noticed my own ‘defense-mode’ and what are the reasons for it. I’ve been actively participating in answering/interacting on YouTube and forums wherein I have had one of the most vivid evidences of how we can attack each other just for the sake of winning a ‘battle’ in our minds, just for the sake of ‘being right’ and making one another look like ‘an ass’ because ‘they are wrong’ and so in essence co-creating  just another virtual battlefield to breed human hatred or perpetuate the ‘Divide and Conquer’ mind frames which I initially would react to in an emotional way upon reading such denigrating, defaming,, spiteful, violent and even life threatening comments we would get on a daily basis as a result of what we publish, which is all about life in equality, living rights, what is best for everyone, etc.

So, looking back,  this is what I see as a cool ‘training ground’ when it comes to facing the REAL human nature and not only see the one I had believed in  – such as the good nature one – while being locked in my ‘home bubble’ and my limited environment with limited interactions, where I yes certainly did face bullying and backstabbing from ‘friends’ at an early age, prompting me into quite a ‘depression ‘ at the age of 7, 8 because of not being able to fathom such ‘harm’ imposed toward me from another at first, until I had the support from my mother to realize I did not have to take others words/actions personally – which was great support and led me to become rather independent from sheeple mentality while going through school. I did, however, become somewhat defensive in my personality, I could say that yes I had clear principles but a lot of it was also from the starting point of showing ‘others’ that ‘you can’t mess around with me,’ it worked to a certain extent – but what happens when that ‘veneer’ becomes ‘who you are’ and how one dictates one’s every interaction?

 

I see that the defense-mode that I am able to act out upon in one moment actually stems from acting once again based on past experiences/memories where I still place myself in such ‘defense mode’ meaning being ready to be ‘attacked’ from the moment that I, for example,  read a YouTube comment and so, instead of unconditionally reading the words that a person is placing, I already see where I can ‘find the point they are missing out on’ or what they are ‘defending’ or where they are trying to ‘prove me wrong, so that I can ‘point it out back’ and so this is something that I became used to do back in the day where we were certainly first becoming more aware of what each person implied in their words, which has been supportive nonetheless. But I see that I require to now and from here on step down from continuing that mechanism/way; this actually happened to me yesterday where I did thankfully get feedback from the person that I replied to on YouTube saying: “Marlen? I commented because you right on the money!  Thank You!”  The first word as my name with a question mark implying that they probably didn’t understand why I had replied in such a ‘harsh’ manner. And so I realized that I had come through toward him in the same old ‘attack-mode’ and ‘defense-mode’ instead of just seeing where the person is coming with the comment, what I can agree on as that’s our common ground and then expanding a bit on it without having the starting point of ‘proving him wrong’ or judging his very reply for not considering all points that I see but simply focusing on what I can do to assist and support to expand on the points brought up and create a conversation from there.

Assist and support here are the key points, not to ‘defend my point’ or ‘defend my cause’ because that’s what creates the battlefield on YouTube, but rather keeping it simple when answering back and inviting the person to continue the dialogue instead of wanting ‘them’ to ‘change’ all of a sudden toward Me and what I have to say, as that would be me as ego wanting validation/acceptance from others right away. The same point applies when I have deemed others as being ‘defensive’ toward me and so judging others as ‘being on defense mode’/being on attack-mode but it is really only me projecting my perception upon them because I’ve ‘been there/done that too.

 

So the key here is to then when and as I see myself reading comments, reading/hearing another’s words, I assist and support myself to not go into the predisposition of fighting/ attacking another based on the belief/assumption that ‘they are here to attack me first’ and so, instead allow me to read the comment/words unconditionally, without expectations or already ‘sharpening my knife’ to ‘get back at them,’ as I see that within this starting point I perpetuate the conflict and not allow myself to be really HERE with/as the words written/spoken and so be able to interact/reply back within the consideration of what I can learn from what the person is explaining, what I can learn from them, where I see that I agree upon to also reply back and letting the person know I also see that/agree with it.

This implies: Seeing where there is a point where I can share from my own realizations, self investigations and not only from knowledge and information, all of this within the consideration of placing myself in another’s shoes, taking into consideration the words in one YouTube comment, one email, one conversation and ‘walking with’ to expand on a point of cognitive dissonance, misinformation, belief, or an emotional reaction to the points explained, so that I can also point it out in a considerate non-defensive, non-attacking, non-aggressive manner which means explaining to another a point the same way I would want another to explain it to me: with patience, with humbleness and gentleness so as to be able to let the other person know that I do stand as these principles I talk about at all times, this is who I am and this is the consideration, care, gentleness and humbleness toward others that I commit myself to live by when interacting with them, so as to not come through as ‘me having the truth’ or ‘me having to be always right’ but being also willing to see my faults, my mistakes, where I reacted to another’s words and so take responsibility for such reactions myself.

 

So to not go into ‘denial’ of my actions, which is what the vlog was about in fact wherein I received such comment, here I stand directive of such point which opened up yesterday and so I am directing it here, as I see that if I want to create a world of transparency, integrity and trust, I have to be doing just that myself, seeing, realizing, understanding my mistakes, my reactions, investigate where they ‘come from,’ understand them, self forgive them and most importantly, give myself a new direction as to how I am going to be living these corrections from now on whenever I interact with another.

 

 

Self Forgiveness and Self Correction

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a predisposition of ‘having to defend myself’ when replying to YouTube Comments or replying to others’ words whether written or in a conversation, instead of realizing how I perpetuate my own memories of the past and even from my childhood of how I had to be ‘wary’ of people’s words and actions toward me, which is why I became ‘edgy’ as well, not being able to trust others and as I’ve explained before, this is not about ‘trusting others’ but rather trusting me in being able to read/hear words in stability and be able to support myself unconditionally to interact, reply back within the consideration of what is self-supportive both for ‘them’ and ‘myself’ as two or more individuals establishing a communication and settling the way to create a point of communal understanding – not fighting or ‘proving each other right/wrong’

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize how I am in fact perpetuating the current status quo in our relationships where we have focused so much on the winner/loser mentality, the ‘attacker’ and the ‘attacked,’ the bully and the bullied and where we believe that we constantly have to be ‘defending’ ourselves which can only exist if we are ‘coming from’ a starting point of ego as in seeing others as enemies, as ‘the problem,’ as ‘the ignorant ones and oneself being the ‘right one,’ through which we approach another from the vantage point of seeing another as inferior to myself and so believing that I have to ‘educate them’ with ‘what I know’ instead of being actually grateful that there are people that are still willing to reply in a comment to a YouTube video and so be able to hear/get to know what others’ perspectives on a subject and learn from it, see where we still have to ‘align’ our understanding, what are the main points where there is still a point tampering self-realization,  as well as being willing to correct ourselves if necessary and in the possible measure, being able to support and assist another to expand themselves a bit more – maybe point out some aspects they can do further investigation on, other blogs or vlogs to watch/read and so not immediately ‘showing the way out’ when the entire starting point of commenting by the other individual is to precisely establish communication and be able to continue it in the best possible way.

I realize that in our world nothing will be changing if we do not first focus on being able to get to hear /read one another, see where there is a common ground and build it from there, thus no longer existing in the ‘I’ll prove you wrong’ mentality.

 

I also realize that I have to be aware of not seeing myself as ‘the victim’ that is going to be ‘abused/attacked by others’ as in this position of victimization I then justify my ‘getting back at’ others as in ‘having to defend myself’ which is why in this world we, for example, allow the use and existence of guns, because we give into this mentality that ‘I have to protect myself, I have to be armed’ without first investigating why and what causes this abuse in the first place.

 

I realize that I have to stop projecting my past, and my ‘mind-frame’ that I had built around ‘commenting on YouTube’ as in ‘getting myself  into a battlefield’ and instead, read the comments from the starting point of being able to support myself, to learn from another, to see where I can improve my communication, identify and recognize where I wasn’t clear/what I missed and so expand through this communication instead of already wanting to ‘end’ the interaction by placing a comment that could be seen as ‘sparking up reactions’ which previously I had defined as supportive for the person to ‘face themselves’ but, we are in a different stage in our process so I now apply the point of being gentle and supportive with others, the same way that I would like a ‘stranger’ on YouTube to reply to my messages and comments as well, doing to another what I would like to be done unto in the same situation and in all cases for that matter.

 

I commit myself to use the opportunity of interacting with others either through comments on a website, on a forum, on every day conversations/interactions so that I can expand and support myself while at the same time assisting and supporting another, because it is in these seemingly ‘irrelevant’ or ‘small moments’ that actual windows of opportunity exist to ‘connect’ to others and let them also realize that there are solutions, there are people that do not fall into the usual patterns of the divide and conquer mentality, and so this is what I commit myself to living in all aspects of my everyday living and interactions with people from around the globe through the marvelous platform that the Internet is.

 

I commit myself to redirect my judgments upon others being ‘in a defense mode’ and instead be able to in such moments immediately take the point back to self and direct myself toward another in a way wherein I can apply consideration, humbleness, gentleness to place myself in their shoes so that I am able to best support them and expanding ourselves through using words or even behavior, voice tonality that indicates in stability that I am here, I hear you, I understand you, let’s clarify this/let’s expand on this/ have you considered this point about this that you mentioned here? so that it is and becomes a more ‘inviting’ way to continue interacting with another.

 

I commit myself to walk through my own ‘predisposition’ of being in this ‘defense-mode’ so that I can stand here, clear, open, available and willing to communicate and direct another’s questions and sometimes even curiosity and not fall into the ‘attacking-mode’ but to genuinely be able to consider their starting point and so walk-with, instead of walking-against others.

 

I commit my self to live the realization that ‘the enemy’ is really myself and my own assumption, my own mind, my own projections which means that in practicality I am then going to be open to read/hear words without going into reaction, without already ‘preparing’ my artillery to shoot with a barrage of points that have nothing to do with what was initially said either, but to also keep it simple and ‘grow’ the conversation from there.

 

I commit myself to only reply to comments/written and spoken interactions when I have given myself a ‘moment of clarity’ which means when I have breathed and ensured that I am in fact stable, here, that I am taking responsibility for my initial reactions or starting point toward another, and so be more open, willing and available for genuine communication, ensuring I have no interference/noise as my own reactions preventing me from hearing/reading another unconditionally.

 

I commit myself to ‘take back to self’ any judgments I may had toward ‘others’ as ‘them being the attackers’ or ‘them being in a defense-mode’ as in fact, that would mean me reacting in ego towards ego – lol – so the best way to interact with another is to work with the common sense of looking at words themselves, no assumptions, rather asking what they in fact mean if the point is not clear, but generally not jumping into assumptions, not taking my own knowledge, my own ego into consideration when interacting with others, as that’s where the shifts happen and the divide and conquer mentality is re-created, wherein I perceive that another is ‘not the same as myself’ and so I have to ‘prove them wrong’ according to me, which is where the problem exists.

So I instead commit myself to focus on directing the words, the comments, the situation for what it is, devoid of past grudges, preconditioning, preprogramming of ‘how I deal with others that I perceive are attacking me’ as I then live the realization that the ‘attack’ only exists in my mind as memories and experiences that I create when I take another’s words personally or as ‘going against me’ which is the ego-starting point of reading/hearing another, when we ‘take it personally’ instead of realizing that each one’s words relate to oneself only, and so I take self-responsibility.

 

I commit myself to in fact become a pillar of support for myself and others which means I cannot judge, I cannot avoid another or see them as ‘less than myself’ or as ‘ignorant’ but instead assist and support myself and others to transcend such limitations of the mind to work with what we have as our statements, see what we can agree upon and expand it from there, as Self Support.

 

So instead I am grateful that this point opened up so I could see what I was doing in this interaction and so be able to give it direction here for once and for all – so, thanks Tyler.

 

7.      Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others

The Desteni of Living – My Declaration of Principle

 

 

To learn more about taking responsibility for one’s mind, one’s reactions, please visit the following sites and join us in our endeavor too:


383. To Forget to Self-Forgive

First Cousin Once Removed Preview (HBO Documentary Films) (2012) by Alan Berliner

Remember to Forget’ were the words chosen by a poet with Alzheimer as his last statement to the potential million viewers of the documentary ‘First cousin once removed’ by Alan Berliner, which depicts his life in his last months of living with this mental condition, and it is interesting that the words ‘For-Get’ and ‘For-Give’ can be a bit similar, but there’s a world of difference between both, where the act of merely ‘wanting to forget’ can lead us to experience something like Alzheimer, in an attempt to let go of the memories, the identity, the past, the load of experiences with which we created and inflicted the most trauma/harm/abuse within ourselves, and so wanting to forget as a way to ‘cope with the past,’ and that’s how such forced ‘eraser’ move in the mind can lead to this memory-loss problem.

 

I enjoyed this documentary, it’s very well made and I recommend it to see first hand what Alzheimer is like, and the reasons that usually lead to it, along with the genetic disposition that can exist – which as we now understand how the memories of those that have gone before us are integrated within/as ourselves as the mind in the womb, as the information we have ‘pre-loaded’ within us as the ‘sins of the fathers’ – then it makes sense that Alzheimer can ‘run in the family’ as a trait developed to want to forget about one’s deeds, one’s traumatic past, one’s wrong-doings and essentially take the forced road to a ‘way out’ of it all, a way to not face one’s inner demons.

 

The documentary could’ve had a subtitle – in the words of the film’s director – a Poets’ Alzheimer, since the documentary is about the ‘first cousin once removed’ from the director of this film who happened to be a poet, a writer, a translator, a man of ‘great achievements’ only to get to the last days of his life forgetting about it all, and it for sure brings us back to this point of our Journey To Life and the route to Nothingness. Edwin Honig – the protagonist of this documentary – gets to such ‘nothingness’ though not in a self-aware and self-directive manner to it and this is what I’d like to discuss here because it doesn’t make sense to get to this point of ‘Nothingness’ as in remembering – apparently – nothing through simply deciding to block the memory, to forget.

 

The things that Edwin could vividly recall – at times, when it seemed he wasn’t unconsciously deliberately ‘wanting to forget’ – were traumatic moments in his life: being blamed for his brother’s death when he was a child, having been to the army and shooting others, and maybe some family member he was fond of, but that was it. He is shown recordings with traces of the achievements throughout his life explained by himself at an earlier stage in his life, all his books, his poems, his translations of some ‘great writers,’ and so forth, and it was quite amusing to see how he would watch these recordings of himself explaining all his studies, his achievements and saying something in the lines of ‘He’s trying too hard to be someone’ and so yes, this is most of the things we put all our time and effort to, to build up the idea of ‘who we are’ as our mind, our ego – not realizing that life is not memories and how when one has no more memories to ‘hold on to’ then all of these lifetime achievements are reduced to nothing but pretentious additions we identify ourselves as, which can be later on absolutely forgotten and ultimately end up at death. Edwin had kept journals on a daily basis for over 50 years, so he also tried too hard to remember, only to end up forgetting it all. It seems like an ‘overload’ of too many memories, too many things he wanted to keep but eventually forget that he ended up ‘forgetting it all.’

 

I liked the fact that at some point, due to being asked many questions by the documentary maker (his cousin) he would just ask him to be forgotten, to not exist for some days, weeks, months and so in a way it could be him realizing that he was just telling his-story, the tale we all become as a bunch of memories we then believe is ‘all we are’ which is absolutely limited. We have reduced ourselves to become a curriculum, a data base with memories, experiences, feelings, the ideas we believe others have about ourselves, the feelings and constructs we impose onto reality, our entire ego that we accumulate throughout time, and how when we eventually ‘want to forget’ due to the emotional load that it creates within us, maybe that’s when Alzheimer emerges as an absolute ‘shutdown’ of these memories, which I interpret as a decision to Not Forgive, but Only Forget.

 

Dullness

 

Alzheimer seems to be the result of Forgetting to Forgive, but not only ‘Forgive’ in itself, but to Self-Forgive. It’s interesting that Edwin hadn’t been such a good father after all and how his ‘children’ – now grown up males – hold a grudge against him due to what he would do to them, which they interpreted as abusive, as him being an a*hole. And so, Edwin could not remember at all that he had children/sons, and even when the time comes for one of them to visit him, he shows exhaustion, maybe because memories would come back and so the load of remorse, guilt, the entire emotional experience created throughout time could come back, and so he’s left alone. Alzheimer seems to be a way to evade reality, to evade looking at one’s demons and learning how to self-forgive ourselves for it all, a way to escape from facing self-responsibility and as such wanting to ‘put memories down’ not realizing that the level and extent to which we are tied to as our memories and our mind cannot be ‘shut down’ or these ‘side effects’ emerge.

 

This is also another way to see how without walking this process of Self-Forgiveness to learn how to recognize our thoughts, words and deeds that could have caused ourselves inner-conflicts and struggles that we eventually lashed out onto others, affecting them and learn how to self-forgive ourselves for it all, bit by bit, word by word, and we only try and ‘forget it all’ causes an illness, because one is attempting to ‘get rid’ of the memories instead of actually understanding how we created such problems, how we participated in them, why, why did we allow it to become an emotional burden, who did we affect with our deeds too, what do we feel incapable of forgiving ourselves for that we instead choose to simply evade and ‘forget’?

 

And if we were able to remember who we have been from the beginning of our existence, we would have all gone through the same ‘deletion’ process as Alzheimer to go back to ‘ignorance is bliss’ mode, which is in fact what we do whenever we attempt to forget our past, our history and recreate the same abuse and harm because we don’t want to remember and take responsibility for our lives, our world as our creation and change the patterns for once and for all.

 

It’s interesting that one documentary that shows the actual nature of the memories left in a person with Alzheimer can shed more light than any scientific study attempting to understand the origin of it, which once again is also confirming what has been explained at Desteni in relation to Alzheimer Syndrome which I suggest to anyone to investigate and get rid of these ‘enigmas’ that still exist in humanity, while it’s already been 7 years of having the opportunity to learn about the totality of who we are as human beings, as preprogrammed mind consciousness systems that can create a short-circuit process in order to not have to confront one’s own inner demons all the time, creating things like Alzheimer or the usual anxiety, fears, phobias and general stress that we impose onto our physical body every time we are ‘living’-through-the-mind.

 

An aspect I enjoyed is seeing how Edwin only expressed appreciation for the expression of a child – the director’s son – because he was a child, expressing himself with music, in the moment, not questioning him about ‘who he was’ or who he could remember, but just being in the moment, which is also another point to consider about this ‘nothingness’ that we can all exist as, as a self-created result of learning how to self-forgive, to correct, to let go within self-responsibility and full awareness of choosing to be living in the moment – which is different from this form of Alzheimer’s ‘living in the moment’ as an accidental result of wanting to evade one’s memory, which is why in this case someone that doesn’t represent a ‘threat’ to one’s self-definition can become someone we enjoy too.

 

 

This documentary should also support with the realization that who we are and who we define ourselves to be is nothing else but a collection of memories and experiences that we build up as ‘who we are’ and we indeed put so much ‘effort’ onto it, without realizing that it is only the ‘who we are in the mind’ that we are valuing and accumulating as knowledge and information, while we forget about the words that we can live and become as an essence of ourselves – not the titles, not the money, not the recognition, not the studies, not the professions or definitions that others can give onto us – but the words we decide to live in full self-awareness. Just as the point we hear a lot about in Desteni on ‘stopping the mind,’ it doesn’t mean: forget about who you were and be ‘living in the here now moment’ absolutely oblivious of everything, as if one could simply ‘turn the page’ and have a blank one without any consequence. So if anything, this film depicts the consequences of not being able to cope with our mind, our memories, an entire life of wanting to ‘cherish all memories’ and the outcome when you realize the fiction you’ve become as a character and eventually just want to throw the character out of the window and remain as the flesh and bones we are… that’s what creates the consequence as a forced de-egofication process.

I am able to relate to the idea of wanting to cherish every moment as the ‘old me’ that was on my way to do that all the time, and having that mentality of wanting to be a writer someday that could use those memories to create more fictional characters through which I could live through as well, and I’m glad I stopped myself, which to myself as my ego it was the same as some form of egocide, because stopping ‘cherishing memories’ – even with the compulsion I had to be taking pictures all the time – I was on my way to fill memory cards and entire notebooks of my own personalities with no direction – which is also the type of writing I was doing before this process, using art as just another way to convolute the perception of who we are as human beings: point-less, self-referenced, self-interested beings seeking this something to ‘fill in the void’ with and ending up in some kind of nonsense with a life wasted in this perpetual ‘search’ which I now see that we all as human beings have, nothing else but the gloom created as the result of separating ourselves from who we really are as life, as the substance that unites us all as one and equal.

 

Today we discussed about this existential anguish in relation to ‘losing all hope to humanity’ not realizing that I was maybe on my way to creating yet another ‘disorder’ to simply evade facing reality – which we all do one way or another by creating any form of emotion or feeling to make the whole thing turn into a ‘me-myself-I’ experience rather than taking responsibility for the problems we create in our lives and this world and turn it only into a ‘concern’ – and how if I hadn’t discovered Desteni and the ability to Self-Forgive, I would have probably continued down the spiraling road of using art as a way to express this absolute ‘lostness’ that I experienced for great part of my life up to 6 years ago when everything started making sense.

 

All I can say is that it is quite a relief to no longer be drilling my mind with the usual existential-queries and ‘enigmas’ that used to also occupy my-time here, thinking about time, and death, and memories, and identity, and fictional characters, and this life as a dream and so forth… all of which has existed as part of our philosophy with no concrete realization to simply see the direct reality of it all: we have used our mind to divert our attention from reality, from the actual consequences and physical existence that we tend to cloud or ‘paint with other colors’ through thinking about reality, through ‘feeling’ or ‘becoming emotional’ about it and pondering these energetic flicks as ‘more’ than what life really is.

 

After the film ended, Alan Berliner had a Q&A session with the audience, and he ended up saying that ‘Memories are the glue to life’ and I couldn’t disagree more as this mentality is what has kept us since the beginning of our existence as human beings tied to a past that we then ‘choose to forget’ proving that we haven’t moved an iota from the very initial problems we were programmed with, just because we have accepted our mind to be ‘who we really are,’ forgetting or not even being aware of what Life really is, which is not and will never be knowledge and information, and memories. Just like in all our devices – memories are nothing but part of the system that enables us to function as clusters of space and time in a disk drive that sometimes gets full and overloaded and requires some ‘rebooting’ because there’s just ‘too much to info to handle,’ and that’s also what Alzheimer seems like.

 

Memories cannot be the ‘glue of life’ as they are only invisible bits of information we believe is who we are. Life doesn’t require a glue, life is not divided, life is all that is already here that we have separated ourselves from in every moment that we define ourselves as a picture, as an emotion, a thought, a feeling, a memory, all of it part of the masks that we craft and can end up driving us crazy if we continue to overlook the reality and simplicity of who we are here as breathing flesh and bones physical beings that have to now use our memory practically and constructively, to go self-forgiving each thought, word and deed that we’ve acted upon and created in order to ‘forget about who we are’ and as such, not take responsibility for who we are and have become. Look at this world, read the news, talk with people on the streets, look within yourself in your mind and see how this world is our reflection.

 

Learning how to Self-Forgive is the greatest gift one can give to oneself if one does not want to end up driving oneself absolutely insane, or mentally kaput for not having the courage to stand in the face of ourselves, of our past no matter how ‘bad it may seem or how ‘overwhelming’ the consequences of it already are, there is no other way but to stand up for it and face it. Self-Honesty takes Courage and that’s something one has to develop in order to not end up mentally ill due to wanting to forget. My suggestion is to then do this: learn how to Self-Forgive, Remember to Self-Forgive instead of compounding the inner turmoil and the cowardice to recognize who we are and have become, not only as individuals, but as humanity – and so, whenever we see ourselves feeling guilty, ashamed, embarrassed, overwhelmed by our past, our memories, our mind, it is that moment where instead of remaining in the victimization of the experience: we stand up, take a deep breath and decide to self-forgive the experience, the memory, the thought, the deeds and correct ourselves in the moment in the realization that no one did this to us but ourselves, and no one will ‘forgive us’ as there is no God, but ourselves, our own creators.

 

The one last mercy we can give to ourselves is Self Forgiveness, let’s use it and become physical living breathing beings that can stop pondering too much about what life, death, a thought or memories are and rather learn how to live in every moment of breath directing our lives to be and become an example of what we all know we can be when correcting all the mess of the past to stand as self-directive and self-honest individuals, always considering what is best for self and all as equals: no memory required but only as a remembrance of a past to never repeat again.

 

To learn more about Desteni’s perspective on Alzheimer and Memories:

 

To stop being defined only as a memory chip of emotions and feelings:


380. Conditioned by Memories

to react with emotions upon receiving bad news.

Dreams are a cool place where we can still face points that might not be in our reality any longer, but that we can still test out ‘where we stand’ in relation to certain people, situations, events and so this is also within the understanding that no matter in which conditions we create the situation – either real life or dreams or else – process remains the same in one’s application, essentially in all dimensions of self.

Last night I had a dream about someone – one of the few people – I had come to consider as a ‘friend’ in high school who has been the one person I’ve met with after all these years and grew ‘fond’ of for the time we were together in school, and certainly in my mind he has remained as the ‘only one person I could care about of all those people’ as a point of separation.

In my dream, he would tell me that he had cancer and was extremely sad and the moment that he hugged me, IN MY MIND in the dream is as if I was THINKING that I should feel sad about it, that I should ‘show some emotion’ on it, that I could maybe go to the past, and bring up the nice experiences I used to have with him and so place them into context to this moment of him telling me these ‘bad news’ and now feel bad/sad about it, but it was very interesting how there was nothing, zero experience within me other than the belief that maybe I should become sad so that he knows ‘I care’ but really, that’s essentially what we have been conditioned to think.

In my dream it was very interesting how at the mind/intention level there was still this inkling of idea that ‘I must show emotion to let him know I care’ but physically I could not experience anything in the dream, nothing else but the physical embrace and being with the person that moment, even if he was decidedly sad and in tears about it.

DSC08348

 

So, why do I share this? Because since the beginning of my process, one of the first points I complained about ‘having to stop my mind’ as I had understood it at the beginning, was “Well, what the hell am I going to become without my emotions and feelings, a Robot!?? Is that what you want me to be!!??” and I was quite well under a storm in my own glass of water about it, only later realizing that such tantrum was actually performed by me as the mind, and not me as the point of self-awareness that realizes that: we are not our emotions and feelings, we are physical beings and as such, we direct ourselves in practicality and common sense.

One would then say “Well, so if you don’t become sad or show emotion to demonstrate you ‘care’ about someone, how do you do it?’ – And so I realized in the dream that the point of stability, who I was in that moment of getting the news and seeing the person cry, be the point of stability, being there as breath as there is nothing else I was able to do – my tears or emotion would do nothing to fix the problem and so, it is the same when any other circumstances come our way where we cannot physically do anything to fix/solve the problem, the most we can do is stand as the breathing pillar of support, being there for the person/being in distress whenever one can, and support with anything we are able to support with in self-honesty: meaning not trying to ‘save’ the person, but understanding also the ‘greater picture’ of how consequences manifest.

So, I found it fascinating how the ghostly mind whispers would be like a sensation of ‘I require to become emotional, I need to FEEL something right now, come on!’ lol, almost like if I didn’t feel anything then I would be a ‘dead’ person or ‘bad’ and kind of try and create the emotion in the moment out of memories and so forth… but it didn’t work, so I simply embraced the physicality of being here, with the person, breathing and not having to feel or become emotional about it, but only reiterate my support with anything I could contribute with.

 

However, I do see there’s more to it within questioning why the hell was it that one person in my world that I dreamed of, what was the particular relationship set up? How did he become ‘special’ in terms of my past and relationships? And that’s what I’ll begin looking at here:

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep the idea of who A is as ‘someone special from school’ which has caused me to then in the dream bring up the idea of himself as this ‘special person getting sick’ so that in my mind, I could have a ‘reason’ to become sad because apparently ‘he’s a special person to me,’ without realizing that in keeping him as a memory of all the ‘good times’ and the ability to communicate that we had, I had created a ‘good/positive’ experience toward him, as someone that I ‘specially care for’ and in this, still existing as the perception that I created over time about him, which separates him from the rest of the people and myself as being one and equal, because in equality, there can be no special bonds, or special friendships or relationships that we ponder above others.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to at some level in my dream, attempt to lure myself into ‘becoming emotional’ because that’s what apparently he deserved after having been a ‘special person/friend’ in my life, and so believing that ‘I should demonstrate my ‘care’ for him by becoming sad or cry and be emotional about his condition,’ without realizing that it is precisely this type of self-manipulation wherein we give into the mind just because of accepting the conditioning of ‘how we have to behave when we get ‘bad news’ or when something ‘bad’/unfortunate happens to another, without realizing that this is the same form of trap that we create in terms of relationships, and caring MORE for one individual or a few individuals than the rest of the world.

I see and realize that if I was to become sad about ‘bad things happening to others’, I would be sad all day long since this world is nothing but a consequential chain reaction of unfortunate events, and manifested consequences that lead to suffering and pain, and nothing will change unless we first understand how we create our own sickness, our own misfortune, how we contribute to the pain and abuse in this world by us precisely giving into the mind, which does Nothing to solve the problem but further compound the problem, since in the mind, working with energy: there is no solution at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in the dream want to ‘reason’ his cancer sickness trying to grab memories of ‘who he is’ and how I had believed him to be very ‘conceited’ at first and how i had in fact gone form hate to ‘love’ with this person, and how I tried to ‘make sense’ of his sickness due to the manifested consequences of the time when I had defined that he was an ‘a-hole.’

I realize that what I created in my dream was exactly what I have been witnessing around me when it comes to seeing people with certain power or certain air of grandeur being humbled by loss, suffering, pain, sickness and so forth and so in my dream reasoning that this is why he had ‘cancer’ and trying to ‘make sense’ of the problem by all the judgments that I in fact created toward him at the very beginning of getting to know him, which later on turned into the exact opposite and so, in the dream I am being shown how I had created the pattern of ‘from hate to love’ toward another, love as the appreciation of someone, of ‘specialness’ and ‘care’ without realizing that it had been a mechanism of the mind to be able to actually ‘cope’ with the person and be better as ‘friends’ than ‘enemies’ lol, which is kind of interesting then, because I realize that I had also many times wished him to ‘go f… himself’ and so when seeing that point of vulnerability and seeing that he was no longer the ‘almighty person’ I had perceived him to be, that he was ‘at last’ being ‘grounded by consequence,’ without realizing that I created and generated all of this situation in the mind to realize that the ‘hold’ that I had kept toward this particular person is existent because I wanted to hold on to this ‘special relationship’ that we had as friends and colleagues mostly, and so giving it value within ‘who I am’ and ‘what I came to be for him and what he came to be for me’ as this ‘great lesson’ of how we could talk through our initial rivalry and antagonism and get to be ‘good friends.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to these ideas, perceptions, memories of people in my past as something ‘great’ and holding on to the positivity of it, because of believing that I/we had done a ‘great job’ to ‘teach others how to go from hate to love/appreciation’ which I see that it remained as this ‘special relationship’ due to the actual struggle that it represented at first with him, in this

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge A extensively at the very beginning of knowing him for the amount of money that he had, considering him as arrogant and an asshole all the way, which is why within this judgment I would usually confront him and deliberately want to ‘prove him wrong’ which would lead us to this ‘enemy relationship’ that later on due to my own deliberate explanation to our teachers how ‘I could not stand him,’ lol, he remained in the same class as I did for the rest of the 3 years of high school, which is funny and I’m grateful how teachers asked me about this point because I had difficulty relating myself to people, and so they knew that this guy ‘A’ was one of the main problems and so, they deliberately kept us in the same class, until we started becoming ‘friends’ once that we were able to communicate about topics that others would not usually engage in.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a ‘good experience’ while ‘remembering the time when I became friends with A’ because in the mind it was the turnover from the absolute ‘hate’ or disdain that I had formed toward him, to the positive as the ‘nice experience’ it became to be friends with him and to have someone to talk to about stuff I ‘cared’ for, and so, within this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep a ‘good memory’ with ‘positive experiences’ about the relationships I’ve formed with people that I considered as a ‘challenge,’ without realizing that such ‘challenge’ implies that i had first seen the person within the scope of ‘negative experience toward them’ which is how I created them as a ‘challenge to deal with’ and so when being able to establish a relationship with them, they stopped being ‘a challenge’ and instead became the normalcy of ‘good experience’ toward him for ‘having achieved the ‘good from the bad’ – all the polarity design implied at a mind-energetic level of having first defined ‘A’ as a ‘bad person’ as a negative point in my reality, and then turning that ‘negative point’ into a positive point, which later on became like a ‘trophy’ that I would want to hold on to, as in having ‘conquered’ that ‘a-hole’ and turned him into a ‘better person’ which is quite the pattern I have repeated throughout my life in terms of my relationships – in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to the memories of how I perceive and believe that ‘I changed people to become a better person’ not realizing that all that I did, was changing the ‘charge’ that I had judged them initially with – which in all cases remains a judgment, an assessment in the mind – and so in fact I did Not change the individual, they did it for themselves, and it’s up to each individual to then assess the starting point of their change.

I realize that in interactions and relationships, I would tend to want to always ‘change’ the person and want them to become ‘better’ within what I had defined as ‘better’ and so believing that ‘I had something to do with their change of behavior from ‘bad/negative person’ to ‘good person’ which is only the idea and belief that I have wanted to hold on to within myself to create the idea that ‘I was a positive influence in the lives of others.’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold on to and believe that ‘I have been a positive influence in the lives of others’ and make myself be the ‘good person’ of the tale that ‘changes lives’ without realizing that this is merely then who I have been in terms of ego wanting to change people, want them to become a ‘better person’ but for this point of self-interest when it comes to getting ‘challenges’ or ‘difficult people to deal with’ in order to prove that ‘I can get around anything or anyone’ and believe I have this ‘ability’ or ‘skill’ to make things change, not realizing that at that point in the past, it was me also changing myself, wanting to fit into those relationships, changing my behavior to ‘be around’ those people for the ‘convenience’ I believed they represented, and so created and remained with this idea of ‘fondness’ toward others, without realizing how I had come to create such ‘specialness’ over such individual in the first place, and so understand why it was that particular person coming with the sickness in the dream.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever add credit or value to myself for having been able to ‘deal with – who I perceived – were ‘difficult people’ and getting them to ‘get along with me’ for the sake of proving that ‘I could deal with them and change them’ without realizing that I in fact cannot change anyone, I cannot directly prove that I have influenced anyone, nor do I have to prove such things as only who I am as ego would want to gauge the ‘results’ to see whether I was able to ‘change someone’ or not, and that’s obviously not the point of our relationships or interactions in terms of ‘change.’

I realize that I can only stand as an example of support, of stability, of realizations that I have come through my own process of self-change and in this, I realize that wanting to hold on to this idea of ‘having changed others’ and then creating this special bond with them due to ‘having seen them change from negative to positive’ is nothing else but a trait in the mind to remain in separation from the person themselves, and realizing that in terms of the dream, the positive feeling that i wanted to initially create toward him was not real as it always had been created in the mind as the result of the hate-to-love relationship we created, wherein now in the mind when seeing such ‘special person’ being sick, I was ‘supposed to feel bad’ but only based on ‘uploading’ all of the past and memories with him as ‘positive’ to then have a reason to ‘feel bad/sad’ about his situation based on my own reaction to my own memories.

 

Self Commitments:

So, I commit myself to remain in stability and breath at all times and not ‘give head’ to the whispers in the mind about ‘me having to become emotional’ about a situation in order to ‘show I care,’ as I realize that this is how we trap each other in special bonds and feelings, and memories, and patterns based on memories of the past, of who the person was, who we were to them and so cage each other in the same patterns again.

I commit myself to remain standing in stability no matter how I may have even the slightest doubt in terms of my stability and believe that ‘I should show some emotion’ because I realize that emotions is not who I decide to be in such moments, but instead remain physically, breathing in stability, grounded and directive, so as to also be able to be the example of how remaining in stability is the best point of support instead of giving into emotions that lead to no solution.

I commit myself to view A as any other person and let go of this ‘special relationship’ which involves the whole pattern of ‘hate-to-love’ and me apparently having influenced who I had defined as a ‘difficult person’ to change, without realizing that this is only assumptions that I made myself believe in to feel ‘good’ about it all and cherish this relationship as special.

Now in this, it doesn’t mean that I have to now completely ‘forget’ about the person or whatnot, but simply be very aware of how I ‘remember’ them, whether any reactions come up when having the thought of him in my mind as this will be supportive to then see what else comes up, and why I have held such ‘special niche’ to him in my mind, separated from everyone else – which I now see is mostly due to this from hate-to-love relationship that I gave ‘value’ to, due to the ‘challenge’ it represented in my mind.

I commit myself to let go of all the judgments I have held toward A based on his past, our relationship and who I believe him to be, and in this realize that I can only trust the physical, the actions lived and the moment that is here whenever we get to meet again

I commit myself to no longer feel the ‘need’ to ‘act out some emotions’ according to defining people as ‘special’ in my world and as such creating ‘feelings’ about them because of them being considered as ‘special’ which I realize is not at all who they really are, as who we are is one and equal and so, we stand as one and equal breathing, directive, stable – since only emotions and feelings emerge when we act based on memories.

 

I trust myself in and as physical stability at all times, as I realize that becoming emotional is of the mind and so, I commit myself to being here,  breathing and self directive at all times – no special strings attached.

 

Unplugged

 

To stop being a past-based memory robot and live here:

 

Interview on Dreams:

The Meanings in Dreams – Life Review

 

Today’s the 6th anniversary of having found Desteni and as such, of the beginning of changing my life for the best, for all.

Desteni Process – New World – 30/January/2008

 

Join us!


89. Righteous Victim

Continuing from
  • 87. Tantrum-me : Explaining the memory of childhood that created the pattern and condition of ‘the victim’
  • 88. The Victim: Walking the Self-Forgiveness process on the childhood memory along with other points that emerged when walking the Self Forgiveness
 
Self Corrective Statements.

This is the Self-Corrective process to stop the pattern from playing out from here on when and as I see myself in particular events/ situations that present the same trigger points that I would react to based on the particular character identified as ‘The Victim.’

 

When and as I see myself suiting a memory in order to place myself as the victim within a particular event/situation, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the ability to stop playing as a character based on the past as memory is here the moment that I do not participate and instead, continue walking, breathing and directing myself in common sense according to what is here as reality.

 

I realize that the advantage used before within ‘being the offended’ in the story was to place myself as superior to the other characters in the story, without realizing that I cannot base my existence of ‘who I am’ as the offender/ offended in a particular event – it is about me taking responsibility for what I do, say and think in the moment wherein if I in any way think or react in an emotional way, I direct myself to investigate the point to see where it is that I haven’t yet walked the self forgiveness in relation to the particular memory it is stemming from, in order to realize the cycle that must be stopped as a particular thinking pattern within me, such as victimizing myself toward beings in my reality based on the memories I held of them within my own mind.

 

When and as I see myself expecting someone to feel ‘bad’ about something that they have done, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am following the pattern of expecting someone to react in a way that makes me feel in ‘power and control’ over them. Thus I direct myself to instead support myself to stop any thoughts, reactions and then support them to instead of falling into guilt, blame and remorse, realize the point of responsibility through self-forgiveness and walk the necessary corrections in self-honesty.

 

When and as I see myself acting out of righteousness as in thinking that ‘I want to/ I can do this all by myself,’ I stop and I breathe- I realize this is the ego of the mind speaking as the ingrained pattern in and during childhood. Thus I realize that I can instead learn how to work and direct points in working with others, as that is an effective way to expand ourselves into a more effective way of living as equals.

 

I realize that this is in essence an ingrained pattern that I played out as a child wherein I would deliberately want to do it ‘on my own’ based on how my parents wanted to do things for me, the same with teachers when placing an example and giving ‘too many examples for my taste,’ wherein I would go into a haste of wanting them to just stop and allow me to do it on my own.

 

I realize then that this pattern of wanting to do it on my own and in essence devoid of ‘authority supervision’ was my way to prove that I do not require to be directed by others- just another form of incipient ego that I developed as a child because it was not from an actual realization of me being able to do it by myself, but mostly getting pissed off when ‘being shown’ how to do things, placing myself in the ego stance as if I was already ‘all knowing’ and didn’t require to be directed.

 

When and as I see myself reacting in exasperation and irritation when things/ points are being shown to me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the only reason why I am reacting is because I am coming from the ‘who I am’ as the ego that doesn’t require explanations, directions and ‘knows how to do it,’ which is till this day an ingrained pattern wherein I react whenever someone gives me direction and common sense is shoved away and first emerges this reaction of ‘being told what to do,’ wherein I then believe that I was not being ‘effective enough’ and as such, diminish myself in that moment of taking the directions/ suggestions, instead of walking in common sense to not consider who is giving the instructions and within what context – but simply hear and apply based on common sense as what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself reacting to authority in/as any personality/ character, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I simply have to consider at all times what is best for all, and as such direct myself to establish my common –sense as a living direction wherein I stop acting and reacting based on the ‘who I am’ as the ego of the past, and instead unconditionally live here in every moment character-less.

 

When and as I see myself using any means such as ‘threats’ in order for others to act / move / direct a particular point, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this authoritarian character and imposition is a point that I accepted and allowed myself to play out from childhood wherein I learned how I would only move if I was threatened with something.

 

I realize that this mechanism acts in the form of instilling fear of experiencing something that I loathed – for example, being tickled until I would almost pee myself – if I didn’t remove my school uniform when getting home from school – which became a ‘game’ with my mother though at the same time I was actually petrified of being tickled until I would almost or sometimes pee myself because of the laughter mixed with fear.

 

I see that what may seem as a ‘meaningless game’ has actually instilled a traumatic-exposure as a way to move/ direct myself instead of having a common sensical explanation of why I should do it, instead of just imposing and order along with a threat if I didn’t do it.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to be ‘special’ because of not reacting/ acting in an apparent ‘predictable pattern’ in relation to ‘the masses’ – I stop and I breathe- I realize that any reaction and any assessment of ‘which character am I at the moment’ is also another form of ego as I am basing my existence here in the moment in relation to comparing myself to others in the moment.

 

Thus I remain breathing wherein there can exist no character at all.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing a sense of freedom, self-direction and independence when pushing a trolley – which is and has been a quiet experience within me every time and only now am I noticing it – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is linked to that point of ‘taking the wheel’ in my life as a self-righteousness pattern, along with the characters of efficiency and effectiveness that I have exposed to myself in relation to my father. Thus I direct myself to simply walk with a trolley here, in the moment, one and equal, doing whatever it is that I have to do in the supermarket.

 

It’s fascinating how such a seemingly ‘unimportant’ point as pushing a trolley can be loaded with an entire character based on ingrained memories from the past as childhood.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do the opposite of what the perceived point of authority in my reality is pointing out myself to be/ do and direct, I stop and I breathe. I realize that acting out of reaction is not best for all, but only suiting my ego as to ‘be right’ / have the best direction and/ or just deliberately causing friction within another as an ingrained way to maintain myself as ‘superior’ and ‘right’ toward others.

 

When and as I see myself saying the words ‘why didn’t you tell me? How come no one let me know?’ I stop and I breathe – I ensure that I am not charging these words with energy as in feeling ‘left out’ and ‘rejected’ or deliberately ignored based on the memories of myself as a child – thus I realize that I can direct such words to relate to a practical point wherein I do not take things personally, but instead first see and check what was the context in the moment and if I was required to ‘be there’ or not.

 

A memory comes up when I was at the farm and I was washing, which means that I would not be hearing much based on the noises in the laundry room. And then I saw that there was not much movement around, so after a while I realized that everyone was in a meeting and I had not been called – I got into such anger immediately toward my partner in that time because ‘it was his duty to let me know,’ and in that moment I became possessed with anger that I eventually exerted it out after all onto him, which was one of the times that I was being shown and revealed how I was blowing things out of proportion and deliberately wanting him to react in a similar way. But because I would see ‘indifference’ and ‘no reaction,’ I would get even more pissed off about it. I was instead shown how I was simply acting out of a mind possession, which was a cool point to see and realize once I allowed myself to Hear and stopping the raging backchat in the moment. I saw how I would immediately take it personal instead of investigating first the point and remain here as breath throughout it, and direct the necessary points to correct from here on. Instead I reacted heavily in anger which I see can be associated with this childhood memory and other memories of believing and perceiving that I am deliberately being ignored/ not called/ not taken into consideration – plus not getting the necessary ‘shame’ and remorse from another to make myself feel like the righteous victim in that moment – which is only a mind-trap for me to remain as a victim that can later on use this as a means to retaliate toward the person/ people that apparently had ‘done this unto me.’

 

When and as I see myself reacting to people in a certain event wherein I believe that I am being deliberately uninformed/ left out/ rejected – I stop and I breathe. I direct myself to remain here as breath and instead simply get the necessary points that I require to be aware of and continue with my daily tasks/ doings.

When and as I see myself deliberately raging against someone within the expectation of having them react to my words in a similar negative way, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this point of ‘raging against someone’ must not even exist if I am able t to direct myself in breath throughout situations instead of taking it personally and blowing things out of proportion.

 

I realize that I am reacting in an automated manner based on the memories of ‘who I am’ that I had not even been able to spot before as they were patterns ingrained in childhood.

 

When and as I see myself going into the pattern of being the ‘odd one’ in the family context, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is just based on certain events wherein I built up the belief of me not being ‘a desired child’ which I would use as a means to have something to ‘oppose to’ in my world just for the sake of creating friction and conflict toward others.

 

I instead direct myself to remain here as breath, communicating and being here without assessing ‘who I am’ in that moment as a character based on the past in relation to the memory of myself as part of a particular family construct.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to deliberately blow things out of proportion in order to instigate further inner conflict in another so that I can feel like ‘the winner’ in my own mind, I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is me wanting to enhance myself as the self-righteousness character. Instead, I direct myself to remain here as breath wherein I can hear/ read the point unconditionally and as such, place myself in the shoes of another to see what is the best direction to give and do based on what’s best for all parts involved.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am being deliberately ‘excluded’ for some point/ activity/ event, I stop and I breathe – I realize I am taking it personal wherein I think that I am being singled out for the sake of some personal ego reasons. I realize that this is only existent within my mind based on how I programmed myself from childhood to believe that I was the ‘unwanted child’ and as such, have a ‘reason’ to rebel against family/ authority in my mind.

 

When and as I see myself deliberately getting angry, shouting and making an entire ‘big deal’ out of an event in order to instill fear and a general shock in another so that they can react in guilt, shame, remorse, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am simply wanting to place myself as above them and getting an energetic kick out of their reaction. Thus I breathe through the words, I stop any reaction and instead direct the point within the consideration of what is best for all in the moment, ensuring I do not take it personal but instead support myself and the other person to establish a proper communication to sort out/ direct the point effectively.

 

When and as I see myself speaking words toward another from the starting point of deliberately ‘putting more wood on the fire,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am acting out of the victim personality that seeks to feel ‘more’ and ‘better’ than the other by instigating a particular ‘negative experience’ within them, so that I can feel good/ positive experience within me.

 

I realize that I am able to share perspectives and points in another however, all have to be based from the clear starting point of ensuring that I am not deliberately pointing fingers as to make others feel ‘like shit’ but to support another as myself to establish ourselves as self-directive beings that in all cases consider what is best for all people involved in equality.

 

When and as I see myself taking the ‘benevolent being’ character that is ‘willing to forgive another for what they’ve done,’ I realize that this is just plain ego as no one can forgive another, it is plain separation. I instead support another to walk through the point in Self-Forgiveness wherein I ensure I also walk the necessary self-forgiveness to unconditionally let go of any reactions emerging in the moment within me – I take responsibility for my mind, my thoughts, my words and reactions – thus I make sure I am breathing before speaking.

 

When and as I see myself playing out the character of ‘the one that is able to point out shit in another,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this ‘observer’ pattern as ‘the judge’ has been prominent within me instead of placing myself equal and one to another in the moment to then direct myself ‘as them’ to see the points that require direction. I see and realize that taking the character of ‘the judge’ is me believing myself to always be right and a such already place myself as inequality toward another – I direct myself to ensure I am breathing when interacting with another and I place myself in the moment within the consideration of what is best for all as equality and oneness.

 

When and as I see myself playing out the ‘polite one’ in order to get what I want, I stop and I breathe – I realize this is a manipulative pattern within me wherein I can simply direct myself to ask for the point without using surreptitious cloaked means to do so by instilling positivity in another to get my reward/ prize/ winning situation.

 

When and as I see myself expecting some ‘reward’ from another based on a previous event wherein I have experienced myself as ‘the victim,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that reward is and has been a mechanism to make myself feel better after having felt being wronged and as such, all forms of ‘instilling happiness’ within me is based on me allowing myself to exist as a character based on the past and memories of childhood. Thus, I direct myself to not expect and not create any future projections and expectation toward anything or anyone.

 

When and as I see myself deliberately placing a gesture of sadness, depression or any other anguished face – I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is only possible when I am around people and I want to deliberately make them react to the face and ask ‘what is wrong?’ ‘what is going on?’ – hence this is deliberate manipulation that can only exist if I allow myself to remain as a character that instills a negative experience In another, to obtain commiseration as a positive experience in reward, which is just me supporting characters as myself and others in this world. I ensure that I first take on the thought pattern to see where and how I am victimizing myself in the moment, walk it through self forgiveness to ensure I stop the character in its root – myself – instead of going out and deliberately exposing it to get the reactions I want/ need and require to maintain the victimization character.

 

I commit myself to continue writing out the characters ingrained within childhood that I accepted and allowed myself to be and become as it is clear how such points have remained as a righteousness within me without questioning it further, instead of realizing that I have been the creator of them all  = hence it is absolutely possible for me to stop them.

 

I commit myself to remain here as breath in every single moment of my day to day living, wherein I realize that the smallest reaction is myself existing as a character that must be investigated, self forgiven and self-corrected to stop the cycles of the past existing within and as  me.

 

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Darla 06

Darla (2006)

Self Support on Childhood memories and considerations to walk in our process:


85. Death to the artist–Bearthing Life

To stop the characterization in our lives implies self forgiving the configuration of our programming to instead, direct ourselves to be and become the actual living physicality that only requires to establish one single principle to be able to coexist: Life in Equality.

 

Any personality and its various characters leads us to act/ do/ say and think according to one single limited character frame that we have accepted and allowed ourselves to reduce ourselves to. Thus, within this I see, realize and understand that the end of the illusion is here as myself, in every moment that I decide to breathe, be here as the physical instead of perpetuating the lie of ‘who I am’ as a character in my mind and toward others.

This is the second part to 84. “What are you up to?”  seen from the perspective of the pattern such interactions represent within the context of who and what we become as ‘characters’ in the world system that exist as such just to live as illusions and delusions that have never in fact ever Lived. Thus, it is within me that the ability to ensure I establish myself here as a living physical being exists – this is to stop complying to playing the game/ being a player in the game we have called ‘life,’ which has never in fact being Living but only getting high on energy up to the last drop to then decay and die as the fleeting spark we have diminished ourselves to be.

 

Hence, this is the end at the moment for the ‘artist character’ in various dimensions as examples of what one single personality possesses our very being wherein we forget about the actual reality that we exist as, and become nothing else but another player in the chess game battlefield that we have superimposed to the unconditional physicality of ourselves here. It’s time to take off the costume – I am here to live, not survive.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that the moment I comply to communicate with another based memories, I am in fact re-creating the same illusion that we have bound ourselves to – and by illusion is to understand that it was never in fact real – thus what is the point in perpetuating a Lie toward ourselves and others if we already understand that, within keeping ourselves as such lies we are in fact abusing of this entire reality from life after life after life, just because of this single acceptance of individualized characters that communicate as characters, fulfilling experiences as characters in this staged world-system wherein nothing that we have ‘created,’ has ever been REAL in fact, but only consequence of our eternal drive to ‘fulfill ourselves as characters,’ without ever seeing ourselves as the origin of such ‘search’ in the first place – thus running around in circles, chasing after chasing ourselves only, but always veiling ourselves from realizing this because of the actual positive experience we all sought for as energy itself.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that I’ve wasted an entire education on art because I am not creating any longer, without realizing that self interest would be to stick to doing something that I realize is not supporting myself as one and equal, and instead do it to simply satisfy the character that I was supposed to be.

 

When and as I see myself thinking that I wasted an entire ‘art career’ because I am no longer creating, I stop and I breathe. I realize that I’ve actually wasted entire lifetimes seeking to fulfill a character that was never in fact real in the first place – thus I let go of any ideal/ belief or perception of anything having any substantial ‘worth’ as myself here – I realize the fulfillment of the illusion was what kept me busy as only a character seeking to fulfill its due-characterization which is not who and what I am here as the physical.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what others have to say in relation to my life as a ‘drop out of character’ without realizing that standing ‘as’ the character and fulfilling a life as such is the actual enslavement that we’ve all complied to without a question, wherein we buy into social pressures of ‘who we are’ toward others, instead of realizing that in playing such which-character-are-you-today game, we are in fact binding ourselves to an enslavement to the mind, the character and the stage alike.

 

When and as I see myself thinking that I have ‘wasted myself because of not following through art-education,’ I stop and I breathe. I realize that this is just a victimization character to keep the mind preoccupied thinking that there’s something ‘wrong’ that was done with that – and instead direct myself to see how I have only been playing out a ‘character game,’ entertaining myself as whether I did good or not, without realizing that while existing lost in such characterization, I missed the entire reality that is here and that I was only focusing on me-as-the-character, missing the reality that we are binding to our mind-illusions, seeking to fulfill each other in order to not see what we are in fact doing/ consuming every time that we ‘call ourselves by our character,’ and thinking that it is ‘normal’ to exist like this.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever make of ‘art’ something important, without realizing that it was just another mind possession that I took on for the evasion it represented just as anything else- and I realize that it could have virtually anything of this world that I could have grabbed-on in order to make it ‘my own’ and ‘my thing’ in life, which is the only way we have kept ourselves busy in our minds, fulfilling each other with lies to believe that ‘what we are seeing/ hearing/ experiencing’ within ourselves is ‘real’ as ‘who we are,’ when in fact: it never was.

 

When and as I see myself placing ‘what I do’ as more than myself, I stop and I breathe – I realize that anything that I make to validate myself as a character is only serving the ego of the mind and not who I really am as a physical being that certainly does not require any form of recognition or validation from an external source to verify that ‘I am here.’ Thus I commit myself to establish the totality of myself as here in every moment of breath wherein I do not require to become a character or ‘create’ something in order to ‘exist.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play out characters that seek to validate their own creation as real and ‘meaningful,’ without realizing that it is just another form of praising each other’s character as to see who becomes the best actor of it all, and as such get the most reward in the name of ‘who I am as the mind,’ instead of realizing that in / as the physical there is nothing to recognize as superior or inferior, there is no need to prove yourself to others, there is no need to become something ‘better’ for others to see or praise. Therefore

 

 

DSC00153

2008

When and as I see myself diminishing myself to become a character in order to fulfill the idea/ memory that others have of myself, I stop and I breathe. I realize that self-as-here cannot possibly continue perpetuating the same game of ‘who you are’ and ‘prove yourself to others’ in order to satisfy a world system that thrives on personalization to create specialized fields to entertain ourselves in, believing that ‘we have to become a character for others, otherwise we are no alive!’ which is how we have compromised, abused and used the entirety of who we are in the name of that fleeting sparkle of ‘personality’ aiming to get ‘high’ in the world system, while neglecting the actuality of how we were able to do this as an absolute consumption of ourselves, reducing life to a single gimmick of living. That is not who I am and I commit myself to establish myself as the physicality in every moment of breath, stopping all forms of mind delusions that come up as temptations to follow through with a positive experience. I realize the illusion for what it is and remain constant and consistent here as breath.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to reduce myself to being a single ‘bright spark’ as the character that I sought to be and become in absolute ignorance of what is it that I was in fact using and abusing to fulfill my desires, hopes, wants, dreams, wishes throughout lives, never ever pondering about anything else but ‘who I am’ as this someone that ‘must become someone better/ greater no matter what,’ and within this single acceptance of becoming a professional in something, a single career, a single character I complied to playing the game of the world system of characters, believing that the most important decision in my life was ‘who I will be/ become when I grow up’ based on the limited variation of characters that I saw as ‘available’ and even with that, having chosen one that I could use as a means to apparently ‘evade’ reality, never realizing that I cannot escape reality at all and that wherever I go I am here – thus, I direct myself to face myself in every moment of breath to ensure that I stop the stupidity cycles we’ve existed as the mind, creating further separation from one another by fully embodying characters that never regarded life as ourselves here – but always used it and abused it to fulfill a program, a script as the character.

 

When and as I see myself loading memories to fulfill the idea of myself toward others in relation to the character I had accepted and allowed and defined myself to be, I stop and I breathe – I realize that the only way I can be real and exist here, is here as breath as the physical – and I dare to stop the illusion within another toward myself, as I realize that the very least moment that I ‘give in’ to play the same old game, I give into the character version of myself that is not real – hence I commit myself to be the one that places a final stop to characters and to face the reactions as what they are, characters complaining a character loss in another, as that debunks the happy-go-lucky character world that we’ve enslaved ourselves within and as.

 

I realize that it apparently takes courage to do this, however if we don’t do it we simply doom ourselves to a finite version of who we are yet again, which is unacceptable and this is how it must be stopped No matter What.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a character that compromises itself as a character that depends on other characters to survive, which is how essentially we have limited, diminished and made ourselves dependent on a monetary system based upon abuse, determining ‘who we are’ in relation to others according to the amount of money we have a ‘power to exist,’ which is absolutely ludicrous when realizing that we actually would not require this enslavement at all, we have become it because we decide to become a character that seeks for its ‘great high’ instead of realizing ourselves as what is here, in its totality – which is how I see and realize that any point of ‘great potential’ could only exist as an illusion of who I am as the mind – and that the only reality that I actually exist as is the physicality that I am here as, which doesn’t require anything else but itself to exist.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to preoccupy myself with trivial experiences in relation to ‘the character’ that I’ve become in relation and toward others, without realizing that the only thing I really feared was losing the recognition and support of other characters to ‘my character,’ which was the way to simply continue lying to each other in believing ourselves to be these unique individuals as ‘special characters,’ without realizing what we have actually done to ourselves and each other as this entire world system that thrives on the ‘evolution of characters’ that consume more, that have specialized ‘likes’ and preferences that can only benefit a world system that only seeks to fulfill itself and never has in fact realized or supported life.

 

Thus, I commit myself to restore the world order, the life order on Earth and to expose the simplicity of the realization of how we diminish ourselves every time that we seek to ‘create’ in separation of ourselves something just to satisfy our characters.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience any form of guilt or remorse for stepping out of character toward others, without realizing that this belief of ‘biting the hand that feeds,’ is only a blackmailing mechanism used to always maintain each other’s character in place, seeing the ‘out of character’ as a betrayal and often ostracizing anyone that would dare to ‘step out of character’ to point out any for of reality, because they represented a potential threat to this entire world system of characters. Thus I realize how any point of realization that I could have ever experienced in relation to ‘having to choose what character to become in life’ and that I deliberately placed aside, I did so because I could not fathom not having a character to stand by in the world system, which proves to what extent we have become the very ‘masters’ of our own enslavement, believing that we had to fear losing our character as we would experience ‘rejection’ from others, because this is exactly how we have threatened each other to ‘remain in character,’ just like a gang wherein if one decides to stop being a member of it: they are haunted, ostracized, criticized, denigrated and sometimes even killed just because of not complying to ‘the rule of thumb’ of a majority that sought to keep the illusion in place, as the illusion ‘pays off great experiences,’ without even questioning why such experiences could only last but for a moment and never ever could remain here eternally as ourselves, because we actually doomed ourselves to death the moment that we chose to only be these fleeting characters and not life eternal.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to ‘have to make a living’ in the world system based on becoming a character that could be ‘acceptable’ as a way to make money/ make a living wherein I could in one way or another have to comply to others’ characters in order to build mine – this implies that from the moment that I accepted people as relationships in separation of myself as equals, I complied to the game; and all the way throughout the basic indoctrination as part of the system called ‘education,’ I became aware of what character I had to be/ become and play in order to survive, which is how I accepted the requirement in the system to become a character as the only way to survive, because: if I didn’t do it, I would have no means to get money – and because I knew that we depend on money = I had no other option but to become part of it and in doing so, complying to each and every single rule that we’ve enslaved ourselves to wherein Life is not unconditionally supported and provide for all as equals, but is and has been instead only used as cannon fodder to win our battles upon others and make ourselves ‘great’ in our own minds, without realizing that who and what we have become in such characterization is promoting, supporting each other’s illusions/ delusions as only being ‘someone’ in our minds, in the world system, while missing out the actuality existing here at all times, covered up with this gimmicky living-reality that in no way supports life, that We have accepted and allowed as an actual prison to ourselves – and I cannot fathom how we have not realized this before.

 

Therefore, and hereby I commit myself to break the illusion, to stop my own characterization based on that complied-to character that I chose myself to be in all ways and through doing that, establishing myself as the physical which is what is tangibly here as myself, which is what I am certain of I really am – as if I don’t eat, I die – and that any other ‘idea’ that people of ‘my past’ had about myself is no longer relevant to who/ what I am here, in every moment of breath, physically.

 

I realize that all memories were only illusions and that complying to one single memory of who I am is enslaving myself and others to the same illusion. I commit myself to expose the illusion I had become through continuing writing, applying self forgiveness for the stupidity loop that we’ve been and become as this ridiculous existential fuckup that we have remained blind within until now. I understand the crucial point we’re currently living in, and that it is our decision to stop it here in every moment, breath by breathe, as we walk this process to finally break the illusion/ see behind the veil that we had covered ourselves up with in order to not face the truth that is not pretty nor is it gruesome, but only the reality and consequence that does not require to be qualified but only seen, understood and corrected as ourselves into a best for all living principle that I establish here as myself.

 

“I commit myself to show – how we have never in fact in equal and one awareness with ourselves, our beingness in our equal and one relationship with the physical/physical-body,DECIDED /directed ‘who we are’ in moments of interaction/participation with others, because our responses/experiences/relationships with others have always been dependent/created/manifested from MEMORIES as characters of our parents’ Minds within ourselves, that’s determined ‘who we are’ and ‘how/what we live’ and ‘experience’-ourselves as, as individualized characters in relation to others’ behaviour/physical-responses to/towards us in moments of physical-reality participation/interaction. Thus, we’ve constructed/created ourselves as memories/characters from memories/characters, and so have never actually in fact lived/really decided ‘who we are’ in our living, interaction and participation in existence as memories had come to control our entire mental-physical relationship from birth to who/how we are now in our entire mind-physical existence.” – Sunette Spies *

 

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Day 85: And God Created Slaves by Bernard Poolman 
“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by AcceptingGod as the Ultimate Creator that Created All as it is, I accept and allow the Existence of Slavery in all dimensions like: Child Slavery, Debt Slavery, Sex Slavery – and that My attempt to change this Slavery while I accept God in this Position as Creation will be futile – as I, in my attempt to Stop Slavery, will be acting against my own Belief and Faith in God – and as I Gave all Power to God, I will be Powerless and thus Slavery will Not end in all its Forms, as I am the ONE that Create it through My Acceptance of God as Creator. Thus, the Decision must be clear. I am the One that Decides that Slavery must Exist, as I am the One that Decides that God must Exist, as I am the One that claims I can never understand God, as Why God Created all that is, According to God’s Will, as I am the Slave that must Exist so that God can Exist, as I am the One that Decides – and thus I must be God that Creates the Slavery, as I have my Reasons why I create Slavery, because I Can – as I am the One that Allows Me to Create a World in which Life is Not Equal For ALL – and for Slavery to Exist,Inequality Must exist – as I am the One that Created Inequality, as I vote for it in Every Election, and I vote for it every time I buy Goods Created by Slaves, Wage Slaves – this world through the Ages has been and will Be what I decide, as I am the One as the Image and Likeness of God with Free Choice that can decide Anything, even to Be the Slave or God that will decide whether slaves will Exist. Thus, I am the One that Must change theWorld to One where there are NO MORE Slaves – Meaning, I must Be the One that Cleans Up the Mess on Earth, Bringing Life Back as Myself, as Equal and One, in Each One – so that, in Fact, we are All Equal as Creators, making Sure we DO NOT FORCE each other Into Slavery, as I AM the One that Decides, as You are the One that Decides – and this is the Decision I must Make in Every Breath, as Who I Am: that which is the Change to What is Best for all, or that which is the Chains that Enslaves Myself and Everyone else to this ILL LOSING. Thus, I decide in Every Breath to be the Change that will Breath by Breath Create a Reality Where For Real All will be Equal and All Life will Be supported One and Equal, as I Give to ALL what I would Like to Receive – and thus I will Be the One that Receives, and so We as One, as we Decide and Live the Living Action of the Living Word of the Decision, will bring into Being Life in the Physical, and SO we will Be the One that is God in Every Breath, Creating the Character that Life Must Be to Be What is Best for ALL Life, Always.” – Bernard Poolman

 

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Fin


Day 13: The Mind as Self-Creation Buddy

When removing this entire attachment/ hold toward my personality, what remains is aspects that I can live as who I am without keeping it as something that I manifest through an energetic relationship toward. An example can be how most – if not all – have something that we want to ‘hide’ because of all the memories and past experiences that lead us to shape and create ‘who I am’ as a personality that has a particular set of preferences, habits, behavior and experience toward the world. So, instead of continuing defining me as such differences and categorization as an individual in contrast to others, I can potentiate the words/ aspects that I see and realize I am able to expand and implement as ‘who I am’ by correcting the starting point of such relationships in a self-supportive manner.

 

“I commit myself to – practically utilize my Mind Consciousness System  in/as my processes of/as writing/self-forgiveness and self corrective application, to assist/support me with identifying/exposing/revealing my accepted and allowed self-separation from/of all as me, as I see/realise/understand that the Mind has become the embodiment of/as all the relationships I had created/manifested in/as separation of/as me.” [1] Sunette Spies

 

This is a key-point here as the Mind is our direct and explicit in-detail map to see where and how we have directly separated ourselves from within this physical reality, it’s like your Google Earth wherein we can actually use it to become really specific in our creation process as an equalized being.

 

Each one of us walks a different ‘path of separation,’ and in that, we are all equally and one walking the process of correcting the relationships of separation toward ‘the whole,’ which means that each one is walking different aspects of self that we have separated ourselves from, according to the energetic experiences a definitions we have imprinted to everything and everyone that we have deemed as separated from self.

 

A quick example when I realized this in the past – yet in a very rudimentary mode – is how when we established words to ‘name’ everything and everyone in separation of ourselves, we immediately differentiate ourselves ‘from that which we name.’ The moment we have a tag/ label/ name toward something/ someone it became a relationship that creates an experience that is different/ unique to each person, as each person has only ever really experienced ‘themselves’/ ourselves as our mind, never really ever ‘felt another,’ or ‘experienced’ the same as others do, because we all have lived words through different experiences and moments that builds up ‘who we are.’

We can’t possibly experience the same or associate words toward the same energetic experiences – it is because of this that we have all in fact been ‘lost in translation,’ trying to establish ‘connection’ as relationships toward people/ things/ places because that’s all we have ever known ourselves to be: an individual that is separate from the whole = seeks to connect/ create relationships all the time, which can only exist at a mind level. So it doesn’t even matter if you are with another or not, as long as we had our mind as the faithful companion, we agreed to remain subservient to any physical reality that was obviously of separation and energy-sucking from one another, as well as the entire Earth and its resources.

 

So – what the hell are we doing here? Healing/ repairing/ correcting/ mending the primordial separation from each other as the whole. That is by each one taking on their mind as their ‘set of separations’ that is ‘unique’ as a configuration within each one – yet equal to all within the mechanisms that generated such relationships, which are energy-based and generators at all times. Hence, what each one of us in this process is walking is the manifested separation through our accepted and allowed ‘living’ of words in separation of who we have become As such words in separation of self as one and equal. This is all of what we gave-a-name to as something ‘outside’ of ourselves.

There might have even been a moment in your life that you saw yourself thinking ‘what if this is all that I am? What if I am only thinking this reality’? Well, we were and still are only thinking the reality that is simply here, manifested and doesn’t require us to think about it to exist. This means that the only way to equalize ourselves is to stop thinking and creating further relationships as experiences ‘toward’ this reality, but instead live and experience the actual physicality that is here as myself, as my body, as the environment that I can simply direct myself within and without, minus the constant generation of experiences about it.

 

I represent a set of points of separation – you represent another set of points of separation – we all together walk our sets of points of separation and in that, our part is contributing to the whole correction that is required within this world to establish best for all living-relationships that will enable each other to finally enjoy, express, be boundless yet living by equal and one principles – that’s the point here. And through correcting such relationships – because the only correction possible is equality and oneness as life – we will have as an inevitable outflow from such application, an physical change in the way that we interact, communicate, establish relationships as the new way to live/ exist in this world. The way that we see each other is changing already – if you have been duly aware of this – we are becoming aware of, for example, to what extent we would dare to project our own self-created mind-maze of relationships and self-depreciation onto others – unacceptable, yet we thank ourselves for being able to walk Self Forgiveness for all that which we have used and abused in the name of a personal delusional – and abusive – self-glorification.

 

So this is self-support for me to see how the points I had realized in a rather vague way did make sense and that I wasn’t only divagating. And this comes from the direct experience that I would get when becoming a bit ecstatic about these realizations during school mostly, and would share them with others and people would mostly stare back with what I judged being a ‘yeah-right’ type of attitude, not really caring or probably understanding what I was trying to say – such as the cookie theory and this point of primordial separation of who we are as words. Again, I’m not going into the elusive ‘god’ creation that is believed to be superior, this is about self-realization of who we are as god, an equal and one meaning as the only definition/word/value/experience that can exist: Life in Equality.

 

Equality is the main correction to implement within the definition of Life as what’s always been here, equal and one – yet our experiences toward life and everything had not been of equality, which is why we are now walking this process to equalize ourselves as life.

 

So, what does this all mean then? That I have to walk each tidbit of association that I created an energetic experience toward, beginning with how engaged and/or compromised I became toward the experience of myself ‘as myself,’ as a personality/ego and ‘my precious’ creation that I was directing to fulfill my personal wishes and desires that could only stand in separation of the common sensical realization that: I can only be fully happy, living in absolute self-realized self-expression IF standing one and equal as everything and everyone that is equally here as myself- there is no other way.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live a life wherein I sought to create relationships toward others in separation of myself, in the name of creating me an experience that I could call ‘life/living.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having lived a life of self-interest wherein I didn’t realize that the only driving-factor for everything that I did, was always seeking an energetic experience that I could keep as ‘memories’ that I could later on utilize to satisfy my memory-needs of identifying myself a my past, as my friends/ family/ partners/ living places that I have defined as ‘pieces of me,’ that I have kept for the sake of the usual memorabilia that I was looking forward to keep until I was very old and I could use such memories to generate the same experiences that would have led me to ensure I ‘keep this moment as a memory’ in order to satisfy my mind’s desire to remain ‘alive,’ within myself, missing the obvious common sense wherein: who I am cannot be only a memory kept throughout the years, that is gone in one moment and can be distorted to suit my personal needs, wants, desires. Who I am cannot possibly be a memory or an experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever seek creating, forming and establishing relationships to people, places according to my self-created configuration that determined how I viewed/ saw ‘my life’ as an accumulation of memories, data, knowledge that I could later on use to enhance my value, my worth and my own experiences b keeping/ freezing such moments as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish myself to being a single memory rolling and repeating itself aimlessly, I realize that I had become a memory-collector in order to continue ‘identifying’ and building myself as a personality that I wanted to eventually be able to be proud of.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live a life of self interest wherein every person I sought to ‘connect with,’ every place that I created an attachment toward and every thought as an experience that I believed was ‘me,’ were in fact only in the name of creating me a nice and apparently fulfilling experience as a record-keeping that I could be satisfied with at the end of my days.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to diminish my lifetime to a single memory-collector, specifically being aware of imprinting/ keeping/ saving the moments that I had decided was the way that I want to ‘remember myself,’ and in that I developed such an emotional attachment to it, with a definitive conscious participation to deliberately do so, that It’s taken me a while to go actually disengaging from the memories as the experiences that I created toward others, which is revealing in itself how much effort, time and consistency I lived toward the idea of myself as my personality, of others, of places, or events in my life that I had deemed as ‘valuable.’

 

I realize that it is only through me stopping valuing things, people, places in separation of myself can be actually begin to understand what living a principle of equality would actually mean.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even become proud of myself as my creation, as my personality because of the amount of time I had ‘invested upon myself’ which lead me to then fear losing it, which would have meant the obvious: I have brainwashed myself all this time. I see how we all have this ‘voice in the head’ that comes and allows you to know and realize what is it that we are in fact existing as, believing ourselves to be, and that it is such voice that I must bring here as words, to assist and support me to get to know myself, to learn how I created, built and connected such dots as words that have defined my individual experience here toward myself and others – and through applying self forgiveness on it, walking the self corrective application, we can actually make of this process something that is simply what it is, having to withdraw from the main platonic relationship we have created which is: the relationship with our own mind.

 

Once that is walked, debunked, Self-Forgiven, Self-corrected, we will be able to understand what such separation actually revealed of ourselves.

 

All in all, what I suggest is to make of this process not a tortuous process wherein we see the point of letting go of ‘who we are’ as our mind as standing underneath the scaffold all the time, which is and can only be painful if we are always at the expectancy of the blade running down all of a sudden, when in fact, such egocide can be as painless, as simple and as gentle as we make decide it to be. In the end, this is about Self-Creation, isn’t it? What type of God would want to continue self-flagellation in the name of purification? None.

 

So – we walk, here as breath, unconditionally letting go and re-establishing that primordial separation is the only answer to Life Here: Ourselves. We require to create a new system that can enable the possibility for all beings to walk this process, as that is what we would like others to do for ourselves in such positions. That’s how we require to establish the Equal Money System to ensure that all Life’s needs are guaranteed for all human beings and in that, take the first move to deconstruct the system of illusion and delusional values that we have created in the name of keeping our mind-bubbles alive. We are here to burst our bubbles.

Support yourself, Support Life

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Blogs of the day:

[1] As Within = So Without: DAY 12
Day 12: BrainWashing and Mind Control

 

Recommended Book:

Virus Free Mind by Bernard Poolman


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