Day 20: Childhood Schooling Years

Here I share some of the most prominent experiences that I have realized became part of my identity/ personality as an ‘A+ student’ throughout my life, beginning with childhood which is in itself a label used within the schooling system that is considered as a ‘positive incentive,’ however what’s not considered is how the child that gets such ‘special treat’ is also being ostracized and separated from the majority that cannot obtain the same distinction because of the obvious hierarchical levels, wherein the one on top is taken as a measure point for the rest. And so, the pressure built within the ‘outstanding individual’ becomes a constant point of fear and anxiety to remain in such position, due to the allocated idea that the individual – myself in this case – has built about themselves within a particular context in their reality.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to ‘keep up’ this reputation of being the ‘best student’ wherein I had seen, realized made me popular/ recognized with authorities like parents and teachers throughout school.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to want to deliberately impose myself as an ‘example to follow’ wherein I would get a good experience out of being ‘the best’ and being recognized as someone that was ‘out of this world’ for how obedient, disciplined and such a ‘good student’ overall I was – wherein I absolutely knew that this was the way to have everyone valuing me as everything that I wanted to ‘be’ and ‘become’ as I realized what ‘power’ felt like and I dug it, secretly, while pretending to be humble and modest about my ‘skills’ and abilities – without realizing that such experience of being valued as ‘more than’ was that which mattered in this world, being ‘someone to others,’ and in that only developing this idea that all I am is this role model for others and that all that I am ‘worth’ is this example of ‘what a good student’ is for others.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could not fuckup one single time as that would lower my reputation and within this idea of it all being ‘easy’ for me, extenuating the actual experience of stress and pressure that lead me to experience things like anxiety, nervousness and gastritis at a very young age, simply because I wanted to keep ‘my place’ in school/ my world – which is me becoming infatuated with the sensation of recognition and power at a very young age.

 

I did this to myself, I am very aware how I was not pressured at all by my parents to become this – in fact, they were the first ones that would tell me to slow down and not be so apprehensive, but I just became so rigid with my beliefs within ‘who I was’ that it was virtually impossible for me to let go of this ideal of responsibility and always being on time for school, always getting the best grades, always knowing the answers.  A single example is how when I would be sick and my mother would suggest me to stay at home, I would immediately react about it and would beg her to take me to school, I could not possibly miss one day at 2nd grade in kindergarten! lol – everyone would laugh when my mother shared that story with other people, and that would make me mad because to me it was something serious. I certainly lived ‘backwards’ from the perspective I went from being the most rigid person in school in 1st grade kindergarten and then quite relaxed by the end of my school years – yet always keeping the cool grades for the reasons that I’ll continue sharing as I walk the Self Forgiveness here.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to impose this to myself, and not even hear when my mother would say that it didn’t matter what grades I had, but that I had to slow down because it was affecting my body – I didn’t hear, to me reputation was ‘all that I was’ and all that I had to keep up, and in this generating me as an extremely apprehensive kid that only sought to keep up with ‘the best grades’ and engaging in secret competitions toward other classmates that I believed were on to ‘get me off of my throne.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to engage in such competition traits at a very young age – 2^nd grade of elementary school – wherein when fellow classmates would express that they were on to ‘get me off of my first place’ I would take that s a deliberate attack that would gnaw my very existence and concern me/ worry me tremendously, to the extent of developing constant anxiety for always being/remaining on top because I could not fathom the idea of being second place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become so stressed out for keeping a certain place in my reality, which means that I feared being/ becoming a ‘normal person’ without it, because of how I had been so used to getting all the first places and recognition from the very first year in school.

 

It is really unnecessary within the schooling system to do this, I became so fed up yet so used to these award/ recognition ceremonies, I essentially became my own judge wherein I placed rigid standards which is part of the personality I’ve become wherein I tend to be an extremist when doing something ‘going all the way into it’ and often disregarding the actual physical pace that is required in this world. I have walked this point throughout the past which I’ve shared as part of the physical slowing-down in all aspects as I’ve seen and realized how the rushing point is/ was stemming from a constant form of competition and keeping scores toward myself and in comparison to others.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to marry with myself as the idea of always having to be ‘on top’ and not allowing anyone else to take such position because it was ‘my place’ and ‘my throne’ wherein all the glory and recognition of being first place was ‘all that I am’ at the eyes of others, therefore existing in an ingrained fear of losing that ‘first place’ and creating a rivalry/ competition toward anyone else that seemed like a threat to my beloved position of ‘first place.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop a constant need and desire to be in control of my environment and others to ensure that I would always have things ‘my way’ and that meant: keeping my first place as a constant point of self-validation that I knew could only be ‘lost’ if I allowed myself to fuck up even once, which is how I developed a fear toward making mistakes because I could not imagine how it would be for others to realize that ‘I’d lost the first place’ as I believe that everyone was expecting me to fall.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live in a perpetual experience of fear of ‘falling’ and ‘losing my place’ wherein I believed that everyone wanted me to lose and fall because I would react to their expressions every time that it would happen and believe that they were ‘mean to me’ because they would solace to the idea of me falling/ being second or third place an losing my usual position.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself within such experiences wherein I believed that everyone was on to ‘see me fall’ and that their happiness depended on ‘seeing me fall/ make a mistake/ fuck up,’ wherein I believed that all eyes were on me and that I was constantly ‘in the spotlight,’ which is essentially the usual delusion we get imbued with wherein we believe that we are the center of the universe and that everyone is looking at us, expecting something from us without ever actually taking a moment to realize: this is me doing this to myself, this is me trying to catch up with an illusion as the cage that I have built for myself wherein I believe I can’t ‘get out’ or I’ll ‘lose’ the ‘who I am’ toward others and myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to associate honor as an inherent recognition that I had to keep up in my reality with good grades wherein being a ‘perfect student’ gave me the recognition that I had not allowed myself to give to myself regardless of ‘who I was’ within the school system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that being a ‘good student’ at the eyes of my teachers made me ‘special’ and ‘unique’ – which eventually caused much strain the moment that I saw the division that would ensue between my other classmates wherein such specialness was seen as ‘preferential treat’ and causing them to later on develop patterns of bullying toward me – which is what lead me to not want to ‘stand out in the spotlight’ any longer, because I did not want to suffer again.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be fearful of going to school because of having to face my classmates after I had filed a complain about the bullying at school, which made me really anxious and fearful with regards to being left alone and having all my ‘friends’ suddenly against me for being a whistle blower about my situation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever use this point as a manipulation as to why I had a reason to ‘suffer’ in my world, without ever realizing that it was actually all that I had created for myself, a point that I deliberately sought and fought to maintain which obviously lead to create an opposition due to how much effort/ zeal I would imprint onto my school application which is what became like a constant war zone instead of a learning ground wherein I could simply walk in a normal pace.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to impose these rigid schemes of ‘who I had to be’ just to keep up this idea of myself as ‘the perfect student’ without ever asking: who will I be without it? why am I so petrified to lose this position?

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to participate within the system of competition and reward and honorable places in the school system wherein the obvious separation and discrimination that is brewed in classrooms become the reality of a world wherein hierarchy is then the way to ‘rule’ within the system. You get trained to either be a ‘leader’ or a ‘follower’ and in that, accepting the fact that not everyone would have equal opportunities to develop their skills efficiently within and throughout the Education system.

Actually there is no such thing as an equal possibility for all people to have such opportunity as the current Educational system is just like an IQ test that doesn’t consider each individual’s special abilities/ capabilities and developing different pedagogical programs to ensure each being is able to learn with different methods/ options – No, the current system is a cookie-cutter system wherein some would fit in it with the utmost efficiency and some others would literally swallow each year hoping to not get kicked out. It’s really terrible to have this as such hierarchy levels are then built at school, in classrooms wherein people begin identifying each other according to the grades they have and in that, an entire stratification of society is ‘in the making.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had something ‘special’ within me that made it all seem so simple to walk through school,  creating a ‘bipolar’ experience within it such as feeling ‘good’ about it yet ‘bad’ at the same time because why can I have it so easy in getting good grades while others have to go through hell to achieve similar or even less than results?

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to live out to such points of recognition with proud and modesty wherein I would later on create the opposite experience when realizing that others could not ever ‘get’ to the same position I was in, which really worried me but I was told not to worry because they were only probably ‘lazy’ or ‘not dedicated enough,’ which is how I accepted and allowed the world of inequality as a direct result of each one’s direct participation, never ever considering the entire set of factors that have ensured that such disparity and polarity exist in this world to continue a system based on friction as in having some deliberately wanting to achieve ‘the best’ all the time and in that, generating the necessary opposition, competition and rivalry that has kept this entire system in its polarized status quo.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop rivalry and consider as ‘enemies’ fellow classmates at a very tender age because of hearing how they were ‘on to get me’ and out of fear I simply made sure that I would not allow them to get into my position not realizing that within that, I was becoming part of the game of competing against each other and being under strenuous pressure and constant anxiety/stress because of fearing that they would eventually get ‘better grades than me.’ I mean now that I see it, it is absolutely exhaustive to even remember how bad it was having to keep up this idea/ image of myself toward others and existing in constant competition.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to apparently stop caring that much about grades while continuing being ‘responsible’ and obtaining good-grades yet developing this ‘opposed’ personality to what I had been as a little girl wherein I deliberately would get ‘down from the top of the hill’ not to an equality level, but below sea level wherein I wanted to be simply ‘normal’ as in being a kid that struggles, that fucks up, that makes mistakes as that seemed to be what everyone was talking, a point of identification between one another  and ‘I’ wanted to be part of that – therefore

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop an opposite personality as in seeking degradation and problems as that seemed to be what ‘life was about,’ and in that believing that I was “equalizing” myself with others that didn’t have it as easy as me to walk a life of ‘success’ and recognition.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately sabotage me when and while desiring to be ‘a mortal’ and in such position deliberately place myself within relationships and situations wherein I knew that it was not what is best for all, but I wanted to get ‘my hands dirty’ in the sense of experiencing what others were experiencing and doing just because of having defined my life as dull, secure and perfect.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define ‘normal’ as in having ups and downs and riding the rollercoaster of ‘life’ as desiring love, relationships, being miserable for not having them and essentially creating a pattern of being a ‘regular being’ that has stories to tell about how fucked up ‘life’ apparently is and in that, deliberately stand within relationships that I knew were not ‘best for myself,’ but a part of me desired to be equally fucked up as others, just to know what ‘that’ would be like and how I would experience myself within such misery, which was like a false sense of compassion wherein I actually never really ‘cared’ about others, but only developing my own inner energetic experiences that I realized were equally satisfactorily as when I was ‘on a high’ in success and recognition and ‘happiness,’ I could get the same experience out of being depressed, miserable and essentially submerged into a self created torment that I would feed with music, words, books and people in my world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to seek to overcome my ‘old me’ through creating an opposite polarity and pattern that went for the exact opposite points that I had defined myself by/ as such as running away from recognition, wanting to stand in the background, wanting to not be ‘seen’ yet defining everything of this experience based on having lived a life in ‘the spotlight’ throughout school years and having tested out what constant competition an desire to keep a certain place was like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge these experiences as ‘petty’ and insignificant when compared to the reality of others, which is the point that lead me to deliberately seek experiences that would seem ‘more real’ for the actual fuckedupness they represented, without realizing that I must expose and walk the ‘good/ positive’ that I have lived as the opposite creation stemming from the inherent negative point that separation creates in our world and reality.

 

So, I was ‘glad’ in a sense that as I went by/ through my school years, that definition of myself as being ‘better than others’ remained only as a judgment that others would mostly impose onto me, I seriously stopped caring as much as I did as a little child because my body was really protesting about my mental obsessions. I’m glad I did hear my mother within that and realizing that I wasn’t only ‘worth’ that which I was able to obtain and ‘be’ in/ at school but that I was worth by who I am as myself – and that did support me to not only value myself as my school grades, but start realizing that I was ‘more’ than just ‘a good student.’

But! What I did is that because I had only lived as the image of ‘the good student’ I sought to be praised valued in ‘other means’ which is how I realized that I had to create relationships outside of school and develop a particular personality wherein I could be ‘valued’ for ‘who I really was’ as the personality that I deliberately created in order to attract/ live/ obtain a certain lifestyle that I learned from books, media that I wanted to mimic – and in this, becoming part of the system that aspires to become something/ someone greater and better and successful in a rather ‘unusual way’ which is how I developed the entire black sheep or alternative-personality that stood out of the usual standards in society as that would make me ‘more special’ and ‘unique,’ not by ‘who I was’ as an apparent intelligent person, but as a ‘beingness’ as a personality – you can read more about that in:  2012 The hard and soft veneers

 

  I commit myself to create and develop educational systems wherein we ensure that each human being is able to get proper education according to their skills and abilities wherein there will be no more ‘grading programs’ that ensue hostility, separation and hierarchical values between kids/ students – it is our responsibility to ensure that all have a proper foundation to develop themselves to the utmost potential. This implies that a great education reform is required, and this can only happen through politics within the framework of the Equal Money System.

 

For further support, visit:

Desteni

Desteni Forum

 

Read great support to understand about who we are and what we have become as humanity

• Day 19 – Rotten Love

• The Secret Energy-Consuming Machine Revealed: DAY 19

Great interviews on the Educational systems and the corrections required to ensure no hierarchies are perpetuated within the educational systems:

• 
  

  How the Education-Systems Filters Humanity

• Apathy control

• 
  

  The Inversion of Purpose and Diversion of Life

Day 11: I.O.U. Life as a Debt System of Power

Who are we serving in this life: Money or God? Or Money as God?

I was listening to this interview on the levels of ascension and the reward system in heaven that was always presented as your greatest desires and ‘last stop’ – the most fucked lives on Earth were supposed to be the ‘greatest tests of all,’  just to obtain a supposedly ‘privileged position’ in an illusion and delusional hierarchical system  while in fact, you were recycled ad nauseam with us being aware of it, yet never really doing anything to question it and ponder why on Earth we had to go through such cycles over and over and over again.

 

As above, so below: we are living the same delusion as it was lived in heaven, living a life to earn as many ‘good karma’ to eventually get back to the ‘creator’ and experience the promise of this ‘perfect eternal bliss,’ running you entire life trying to keep up with that belief living in a world wherein without money you die and/or live a life of absolute misery until you run out of time and eventually die. Who did you serve? the money system – you die and the system remains, alive and thriving on new potential batteries that must be educated, developed and well trained to become part of the ‘forces’ that maintain this entire world system alive.  Did you learn any new lessons then? No, you were ‘learning’ the same stuff over and over again without being able to remember. The question is: why did we never even questioned the reason for having been ‘separated’ from God – I mean why having to run a rat race on Earth if you were just coming from such ‘heaven’ – who is it that you were owing your life to? God? Really?

 

The fact is that God was an energetic scam to generate an illusion of a paradisiac custom-made reality after death, without ever knowing that such delusion was powered and generated by us generating energy in any possible way – any friction will do: sex, emotions, feelings, the desire for power, conflict, wars, anything that will act as a catalyst for the human to produce energy that would serve as batteries to maintain the lie ‘alive.’ We  have abused ourselves as this physical reality to keep our illusions running – and all of it to keep the idea of GOD in place, believing that we had to ascend and make the most of this one life we had – yeah, right.

 

 

Charge-Me up

Knowing that you have money gives you a certain experience of power. Knowing that you have little money really diminishes you to feeling close to nothing in this world, this is the extent that we have separated ourselves from this reality. What is the only way to generate a position of inequality: generate some conflict inside and outside to make people seek their accepted status quo, which in this world’s case is at least remaining in eternal I.O.U’s in a system of debt, yet having enough to eat every day – a status quo of abuse. That is why wars have been accepted throughout history as economy regenerators – and this is a well-known ‘secret.’ Why have we accepted the obvious separation from life to ponder some above others?

 

Separation, friction is what generates power. I remember staring at a white light for an extended period of time while being at school, and figuring out what was it that would generate this light when going from cathode to anode. The fascination from getting to know how hydraulic energy works, how Eolic energy works, the natural fall of water generating power – but what was placing everything in motion? the Earth itself as that energy in potency that it represents? How is it that we have deliberately made of the Earth and what’s here a symbol of energy, as money, using our money-coined eyes that we have wherein everything we see can be transformed into money.

 

I remember thinking about this when I was quite young and how I started thinking of food, things around me as money – and in this also seeking to not pick expensive things that I would know would require more money to be bought, replaced. I mean, taking an apple in my head would mean eating money, instead of an apple – Isn’t this also abusing life? Having to be as a child reminder that everything you consume costs money = your life is costing Me money, you owe me and there you go! A relationship of power is created right in the family system.

 

 

Family I.O.U.

This is how the family system also works wherein through a forced hierarchical system, children are made dependent of their parents through the so-called ‘family bond’ that is similar to generating debt throughout time that makes children dependent on their parents to survive at all costs to, later on in the future, be able to reclaim such expenditure that is usually sold as ‘investment’ with capitalized interest. Yes, I witnessed this with my grandmother how she would blackmail all her children within making sure she reminded them of having ‘given her entire life’ for them and their education, which would then tie my mother and all her siblings to a constant remorseful and guilty experience that made them bound to her until the day she died. And that’s how the current money system works obviously, where we are enslaved to debt from birth and in that, believe that striving for money is ‘the only way’ to exist in this world. Even people with enough money also require money to live, so no one is really out of the loop in that. The fact is that we never directed ourselves to really find out how on earth have we enslaved ourselves to such conditions, regardless of how much we can recognize that this is Not Living – and just killing life to live.

 

I feared being a financial nuisance to my family in terms of them having to spend money on me. I restricted myself from asking too much, I would always aim at the least expense, choosing the cheapest versions of the things that I required for school, most of the times making sure I could save up the most – in essence limiting myself because of having this constant fear of wasting/ using/ depleting money with my very existence. This also would extend later on every time I took a shower and pictured how much water many other that were also taking showers in the world were consuming, how many toilets were being flushed at the same time, how much food was being eaten, and it all seemed like eternal binging on Earth that would overwhelm me at a thought level.

 

Now I see why it has bothered me so much to be living, because I grew up with this constant mortification for having equated everything to money, to debt, to a form of energetic enslavement that I simply ‘was born into’ and could not get any straight answers on why on Earth money was created in such a conflictive way – meaning that it was not something anyone could get, but would have to strive for. And that’s what we have all accepted and allowed in this world: equating everything that’s here to Money as a symbol of power, which means, it cannot be ‘readily available for all’ because that would remove the preferential creation in itself that it represents as in only ‘some’ in this world being able to have it all, and that includes you and I have that have the ability to sit comfortably with a house, food, water, laptop and coffee on the side.

 

I remember that one of the reasons why I would ever think of suicide was mostly at the time of the financial strain that I wrote about in my previous blog. It worried me so much to see my father in such a strain that I thought I was to blame, because of having felt like an unwanted child, the last ‘mistake’ and then having all of these corrective processes at that time like getting orthodontic support for 5 years, which means paying quite a load of money for that – then regular electrocardiograms for my heart, because I had a slight arrhythmia developing around that time – and this sense of guilt would come through every time that my father would give me money for my week, or pay for my school’s tuition. I generated this feeling within me of having to be always extremely grateful to him for supporting me and in that, generate an experience of not owning my life, but rather owing it to someone else, which in this case is those who are able to support you financially.

 

And again, suicide is the ultimate fuckup we can ever take on within ourselves, it is becoming just another part of the consumerist system wherein someone allows oneself to be consumed by the thoughts of this all being ‘too much’ while neglecting that we are all self-created, as well as the entire system of enslavement that ensued when separating ourselves from the whole and starting forming relationships toward such points that we separated ourselves from. The only way any God could exist is through this primordial separation.

 

 

What is Life?

“At the moment, our illusionary experience as our Minds of/as Energy. Where for ‘life’ as ourselves as Energy to exist – we constantly/continuously mine the physical for our Minds, mine this physical existence for Money for the illusion of ‘life’ for a select few human beings as the Elite in this world, – Life is Death within this physical existence.

Life is supposed to be Living, and in this physical existence – no being is living, only trying to survive as a mind within and a world without with money, dying to live – literally and figuratively. Life is supposed to be all equally as one within and as this physical existence in fact Living, expressing, expanding and growing as individuals and together with and as all that is here. Not as it is now where everyone is killing themselves and each other to compete in the game of survival.” – Sunette Spies

 

This aspect came up today and I was very glad to finally read it as blunt as it is, because I could not fathom this world being life obviously, we’ve never been alive as the actual and full expression of what Life is supposed to be, this is just killing/ depleting/ sucking the life essence out of what is here to keep our mindfuck alive. However, the consuming aspect and judgment toward it – such as how I would go equating everything to price tags/ money – is part of a mindset, a system that can obviously be corrected. What’s real is this physical reality – what’s the illusion is the price tags as the money system of debt and scarcity that places the divide between us and using what’s here as life – equal and one – that can actually be provided for All to Live Well = it is absolutely correctible.

 

The Process of Birthing ourselves as Life in the Physical is walking that entire relationships of separation into a for-giveness reintegration of self= giving back to ourselves that which we have separated ourselves from, which can sound quite elusive and conceptual when missing looking at the ‘greater picture’ of who and what we really are as one and equal. And I mean ‘conceptual’ from the perspective that we only have our mind as instrument to seeing; this then became the perfect gap/ missing link as we would only continue dwelling and fighting against each other, driving us insane because of not having a clue about what on earth is going on within ourselves, yet always forgetting that we were the ones that created it all the way, that we have been here before and have actually lived hundreds of lives on Earth. We cannot even fathom that at the moment, obviously, as it is part of the same cage that we built for ourselves to make sure we would always be ‘safe’ from reminding us of such separation in the name of a single experience as the energy created through separation. This is the cage that we are slowly but surely taking ourselves out of by walking these writings, and establishing who we really are as life through Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective Application, as it is only us keeping the current system in place = we are the solution, because we are It.

 

It will take a great majority in this world to realize what I just explained to understand that: We Don’t Have to Be Living in a Position of Strain and I.O.U’s toward a delusional system of Inequality – all we require to realize is that who we really are as Life is equal and one – we are from the Earth, everything that is here has always been here as the fabric of existence that we are equally part of and made-of, we have just played power games and for that  ‘a price to  pay’ has been established for the separation that ensued from that. It all was just for the desire to experience and experience is energy. 

 

 

Money Powers: really?

So, the power of money can only exist as the separation that I have accepted and allowed to exist within this world, as myself, as that factor that determines our very experience here on Earth whenever we fear not having money to survive or when having more than enough which is also changing our ‘who we are’ into an exacerbated state of being, over-energized so to speak.  Now whenever I take these polarities – and even when having the ‘basic’ amount of money that I could call a ‘neutral’ or stable living condition – it’s still an accepted and allowed experience within us that has become so ingrained that we truly don’t question any longer how and why money has the power to change ‘who we are’ and generate these feelings and emotions within us. It is really and all-round mindfuck that must be stopped, as it is all separation based, really.

 

Like today, I went to an ATM and got money to pay the rent. And I have become so used to ‘taking care of money’ that I have this wallet that I place around my hips, just in case someone would try and steal money and never imagine that I could keep money underneath my clothes. I mean, it’s been so awkward every time I’ve had to carry money that way for ‘security.’ It is true how what is valued and protected is money itself and not our lives. Thousands of soldiers can be killed at wars, but the resources earned at the end of it are ‘priceless’ for those that end up getting them. Praying to god would be ‘priceless’ but it becomes a positive-reward system as a future investment association with ‘going to heaven’ while having the vantage point of ‘asking god for favors’  in the meantime – how ludicrous? Singing songs about finding happiness in misery and waiting for some saving grace after having the most paradoxical living conditions.

 

‘We are so lost, so afraid’ And this became an acceptable way of existing as miserable humans,  yet never even imagining how it all started, because we can’t remember! And that’s how and why – once again – it is so Vital to study the Desteni material.

 

The only real value that exists is LIFE and we ALL are it –  we just require to recognize the common sense in this to start being part of the ones that STOP existing as batteries to power a non-existent system of enslavement any longer = there is no more purpose for us to keep existing as such inner conflict as the chains have been severed. It’s all about us now being willing to truly learn what Life and Living is and should have always been.

 

This will continue…

We are the System, It’s Time to Wake Up! (2009)

 

A Must-Read to expand the points shared in this blog:

• Life and Death Engineering: DAY 10

• Day 10: Relationship Dynamics

 

The Soul of Money is a series of interviews that explains in detail all the points, mechanics and history that lead us to create the current reality and economic system we’re living in.  Anyone can have a thorough explanation and a reality check at an individual and existential level with perspectives that have never been told, seen or even pondered before in this reality, yet have dictated our lives throughout the history of human civilization.

1. The Infinity Secret – Consciousness as The Light and The Dark
2. The Heart of Love
3. The Inequality of Resource Distribution within All Bodies of Existence
4. Divide and Conquer – The Majority Enslaved by the Minority
5. The Interconnection between Thoughts, Energy and Light

• Reptilians – Relationships as Illusion of Control – Part 24

Hey Nostradamus! – Personality suit exposed

“Look at us. We’re all born lost, aren’t we? We’re all born separated from God – over and over life makes sure to inform us of this – and yet we’re all real: we  have names, we have lives. We mean something. We must. My heart is so cold. And I feel so lost. I shed my block of hate but what if nothing emerges to fill in the hole it left? The universe is so large, and the world is so glorious, but here I am on a sunny August morning with chilled black ink pumping through my veins, and I feel like the unholiest thing on earth.” – Douglas Coupland

This is an excerpt from Hey Nostradamus! a book by Douglas Coupland that I read some 6 years ago  while being on a ‘spiritual journey’ a mind one, not an actual trip.  I had read other books by him as well, including ‘Life after God’ of which I will probably write about some other time.

In this book he depicts an entire process of ‘struggling’ with the idea of there being some type of ‘god’ while walking a continual paradox as this reality that would indicate that there is non. However, this particular quote depicts the type of writings I would solace myself with, some type of misery that  would enhance my world view, add the necessary ‘energy kick’ to keep my personality suit that I’ve described before in the Death and Destruction entry.

These type of writings is what I filled myself up while being on my late teenage years which was ‘cool’ at the time and in accordance to my questions and general desire to ‘know’ some type of ‘truth,’ to have or gain some sort of feedback as a ‘certainty,’ a kind of knowledge and information that could give ‘meaning’ to my life. Just as Douglas explains there, I was seeking for some sort of proof that this wasn’t only a cosmic joke and that our lives would have to inevitably ‘mean’ something.

Part of walking this process is debunking the lie that we’ve lived with this entire ‘yearning for God’ experience which is actually preprogrammed as an inherent belief to never see and realize that: we’ve always been here, that we are ALL that exist and that any form of philosophical trip looking for ‘meaning’ and ‘truths’ is in separation of the most obvious facts that are here, equally visible and tangible for all: we are the ones that have set the rules of how it all functions – we are the ones that have perpetuated the disagreements that are currently leading this world to a point of self-destruction based on the inherent disregard that we’ve had toward one another, yet keeping ourselves busy seeking some form of ‘inner-peace’ and ‘enlightenment’ while depleting the world and abusing all that is here in the meantime.

Our relationship toward an elusive idea of ‘God’ became another way of ‘coping with reality’ as if the idea of some superior and powerful ‘god’ could give us some ‘extra-strength’ to face ourselves. He places it quite nicely in the following quote: ‎”I think God is how you deal with everything that’s out of your own control”. I was once a God believer and as much as I have left this part of the process ‘behind,’ it’s cool to bring it up as a point of support for anyone reading this and still going through a process of disenchantment toward the belief in something ‘superior’ or ‘divine’ as an actual entity called ‘God.’ I clearly once believed out of tradition, out of passed-on belief, out of fear of literally having to realize there is nothing or no one ‘superior here’ – yet never getting to realize who I really am as one and equal as all that exists – who would want some type of ‘god’ within that equation?

The quote I placed here describes a general ‘mindset’ that I could tag with many names like melancholy, self-pity, misery, loneliness, gloom,  sadness, depressive, shoegazer,  doomy and mostly a general sense of ‘despair’ toward the world. Lol it’s cool to debunk this because this ‘attitude’ and general energetic experience became ‘my life’ and ‘who I was’ for such a long time. Seeing life through this smokescreen where everything seemed so elusive, so vague, so ‘magnificent’ yet seeing myself as something really ‘petty’ for this world, sometimes ‘not belonging’ and some others just believing that I had been born in the ‘wrong planet.’

Here I am, six years after I read this book and having walked for some years a process of understanding my personality and how I created myself, I can see how it is within this gloomy self idea of myself and the world that I kept myself just ‘busy’ with my own mind, seeking to create more experiences out of books like these, out of my own relationships with people that could fully support this type of ‘tragic’ perspective on reality, just sitting at caffés pondering about life, chain-drinking-smoking-coffee and doing nothing else but that. 

Now I realize how all of that is an absolute ‘waste of time’ in terms of remaining only as a certain experience that becomes ‘who we are’ while limiting ourselves and our ability to actually step out of such mind-frame, which is essentially the process we’re walking here.

First of all to stop all hope and yearning/ wondering about ‘life’ and instead realizing how we can practically start actually LIVING in this world by investigating/ writing/ looking at how other beings are living, how is the system that I live in functions, how are we keeping this system running, why have I accepted and allowed myself to be consumed by my own self-created experiences instead of looking at the reality that is here, that is myself, a reality that I am a part of and that I’m disregarding while keeping myself ‘busy’ up in my mind, continuing my gloomy view toward this world as if that was the only ‘thing’ I could ‘do’ – helplessness, a general sense of ‘I’m a victim of this world’ is what I was oozing all the time. I’m glad those times are over – though the process of disengaging from the actual self-created personality is still being walked as this is HOW I have created myself – resonating with everything that could support my inability to stand up and take self responsibility – why? Because being a victim is much easier than taking the necessary steps to ‘step up’ and become the change that I was only judging and criticizing/ complaining about in this world.

We’re not LOST, we can only LOSE ourselves up there in the self-created mazes of our mind – we are here, we are breathing, we walk, we eat, we shit, we interact and all in all I keep ‘finding myself here’ therefore, such ‘lostness’ was certainly another excuse to be aloof and idle and a general ‘drama queen’ to not face my reality and instead, indulge into addictions that could support my eternal ‘yearning’ for something/ someone to change the world.

Such feeling and experience as feeling like an outcast, a sense of being kicked out of paradise, looking for ‘god’ all the time is only the belief of such separation from ‘god/ source’ which has gotten us to neglect the life that we are and have been all the time, Here  – get the interviews on the Atlanteans to understand how and why this point happened. It’s all been an actual disregard of ourselves – us missing ourselves as ‘the point’ of our existence. We only can redeem ourselves to be actually able to stand here in Self Honesty as one and equal to this world by walking a process of Self For.giveness: I give myself back to myself to realize that the only thing I’ve missed is ‘myself’ as life  – hence I walk a process to learn how to LIVE in equality as everything/ everyone that is equally here.

Through this process of Self Honesty, I’ve learned how to trust myself, to not only seek to ‘stand in the back’ within this form of ‘inferiority’ and ‘pettiness’ as part of a self experience, wanting others do everything for me, to have someone ‘stepping up’ and keeping myself in a comfortable zone wherein I cannot make any mistakes or get ‘harmed’ by others – which was quite the ultimate defense mechanism within me to not face myself. My personality was then able to ‘fit’ into the world as a ‘sensitive person’ that could then be justified for being ‘down’ and then seeking something/ someone outside of myself to ‘get up’ and then down again in a never ending rollercoaster of energetic thrills. I remember how a friend of mine would say how he’d get to ‘enjoy’ being immersed in absolute self-misery and depression – I couldn’t fathom that and I judged him in that moment without realizing I was doing exactly the same thing within myself.

So – topics on alienation, loneliness, black comedy, drama, spirituality, angst, sorrow, acceptance, tragedy, the absurd and complex have been part of the ‘key words’ that I’d sought for and that I just took from the back cover of this book – lol.

What’s great about this is that once that the ‘pattern’ and personality is in my face, I cannot fool myself in pretending that I have not ‘become’ this by mere act of empathy. It’s called personality designs and I’m here to stop it, because it’s only a bloody program, because I see how even if in my mind there is still this desire to ‘keep it in place,’ it’s the ultimate statement of separation from the physical reality that is just HERE: no experience attached!

Have a look at a skinny, leafless tree with several branches twisted up high in a forest-like scenario at dusk – that I would immediately associate with this entire self-experience which indicates to what level I have brainwashed myself to add an entire experience to the sole expression of a single tree in a certain environment. Fascinating.

I am here to stop that, to see reality for what it is, to see and realize how I do not require to add any extra-toppings to reality with emotions and feelings that I had deemed as ‘indications’ of ‘being alive’ – that was probably one of the most impressive revelations in my life, whereas I had deem that the more I ‘felt’ = the more alive I was. What a lie – but we are fortunately well prepared now to face these buckets of cold water and support ourselves to actually LIVE.

So, no more gloomy self experiences for me – all of this is coming out quite nicely so I suggest that you, reader of this blog, take on this exercise for yourself:  have a look at the points that you’ve identified yourself with in your reality and see how they have defined ‘who you are’ in one way or another. To me this is kind of ‘bringing up the past’ but unless I stop myself from participating in all types of emotions and feelings, I will continue existing as that past – hence it is cool to lay it out for oneself to see what I have accepted and allowed myself to identify ourselves with as the preprogrammed personality design and stop participating in it here, for once and for all.

Now, this is not in any way a ‘bashing’ toward Coupland, he’s written out cool books that I see were ‘bridges’ for me to walk upon to then get to the actual swallowing point of realizing: there is no God, there is no such thing as ‘ultimate truth’ – you are it, you are here, you take responsibility and create a world that’s best for all – simplicity at its finest – but here I leave some cool quotes by Mr. Coupland.

Enjoy and thanks for reading

‎”I wondered why it is that going to heaven is the only goal of religion, because it’s such a selfish thing”

‎”To acknowledge God is to fully accept the sorrow of the human condition”

“A world of continuous miracles would be a cartoon, not a world”

‎”I think God is how you deal with everything that’s out of your own control”

‎”Dear God,
I’m going to stop believing in you unless you can tell me what possible good could have come from the bloodshed. I can’t see any meaning or evidence of divine logic”

 

Assist and support yourself to walk out of the personality suits we’ve become as part of this game or roles we’ve played in this world – let’s walk a process of actual LIVING and not only feeling and believing in something/someone that we are Not.

desteni.org

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coupland, Douglas. Hey Nostradamus!. 1st ed. New York: Bloomsbury , 2003. 146. Print.

The world just had a ‘tough day’

It is through wake-up calls that humanity will start seeing more and more that we are driving this world into insanity.

Coming home watching the news with a ‘financial meltdown’, London in flames and 29 000 kids under 5 years old dead in Somalia over 3 months of starvation with other 3.5 million severely requiring immediate aid makes you ponder how far do we have to go to see what we’re doing to ourselves in this world.

Within this, I’ve encountered ‘mixed perspectives’ so to speak wherein some are still taking a side on the entire problem instead of realizing that it is all our creation – equally – We’ve been the creators of the current system wherein we’ve allowed royals to exist while millions starve in a country where no one can even ‘help’ because of further jihads taking place in the area.

Though this and what is to come, we cannot allow ourselves to be appalled, that can only add on to the hysteria that’s being promoted while it’s only about seeing what’s going on in the world as a result of our negligence to all life.

I made this etching this some 3 years ago – it was part of realizing that we’ve cut our own hand while creating this reality, it’s the realization that we have actually failed to see this world as ourselves, and from there my stand can only be the realization that it is me that must stand up even if the world is upside down, through that constant support that I can give myself to not allow myself to ‘fall’ into a certain state due to how I see the world I am able to then embrace this world as myself and walk the necessary steps to continue living for life – to continue walking this process until it’s done.

It’s quite obvious that the events that are to come into this world won’t be ‘brighter’ tomorrow – we’ll be facing the truth and reality of ourselves full on and within all of this, within you sitting in front of your tv or computer, I can only say: watch the news, get informed in relation to what’s going on in this world, but let’s not get ourselves down or appalled by what we see – we rather see it as a manifested consequence of our disregard to life, of the failure that we’ve created as humanity to guard Life and instead guarded money with our lives – failing to see that our duty to be a custodian to life has been diverted towards an outcome that can have only result in an imperative desire to be the ‘kings of the world’ at all cost – that cost is here, is higher than ever and what we are realizing is nothing nice, nothing pretty of ourselves – this is our actual revelation.

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to neglect life in all moments wherein I kept accepting a system wherein we simply continued participating in our worlds without having ever asked pertinent questions in relation to our existence, to our ability to create a system that could work for all

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to accept social inequality as the result of my own desire to avoid self-responsibility wherein the existence of slaves and economically marginalized people signified a convenience for me to not have to ‘do the job’ but rather have the ‘power’  as money to have others doing the stuff for me, having others taking self responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to be appalled by the news today calling it a ‘tough day for Earth’ without realizing that this is just information that we are getting to know of because it’s got major impact on financial markets- YET the abuse, the starvation, the corruption that’s existent everywhere in this world doesn’t get such promotion because it prevents people from ‘being happy’ and consuming more to fool-fill themselves.

I can see that I have accepted and allowed this all the way hence me being affected by it is in fact resorting once again as a victim to this world and system without realizing I am this world, I am this system and I can’t possibly continue this way.

I realize that I am the only one that is able to support myself and within this, support others equally to walk this no matter what, not allowing us to react and participate in massive-hysterias and massive-fears which can only be but another way to drive humanity easy to self-doom.

We stop and we simply expose the reality for what it is, always pointing out that it’s about the entire contract that we’ve created as humanity while disregarding our ability to create a system that could be best for all. I allow myself to liv e in Equality to no longer be another ‘affected person’ but be a self-directive person that exposes, that shares perspectives in order to continue supporting ourselves, to lose all faith and believes of a ‘better world’ and instead dare to care and live myself through writing, through reflecting my experience and correct it in my reality.

I no longer allow myself to be appalled by the events of this world wherein I speak from a point of knowledge based on what’s being promoted in the news and instead, continue to breathe and walk and direct myself to a single outcome which is Equality as Life as myself, realizing and applying it and living it every moment that I’m here – from there, I can only see that the ‘tough days’ can be walked and breathed through, learning what we’ve done and why we have created this world as it currently is. Taking Self Responsibility for ourselves as individuals within the context of this world is key point here

Thank you – see you at Desteni.

http://www.desteni.co.za