Tag Archives: missing

560. From Missing to Current Creation

Continuing from:

Practically looking at the word miss and upon reflecting on various things I see I have been ‘missing,’ a lot of them have to do with how I developed certain expressions within myself in relation to other people, or how I got to do things that definitely opened me up to many more aspects or facets of living, where once that these relationships ended up or ‘dried out’ in a way I remained in a state of disempowerment in relation to me not being able to continue developing what I got to do with others in terms of for example, creativity and genuine enjoyment I had when ‘collaborating’ creatively with others and also when it comes to a friendship with a female that I simply ‘let go of’ completely upon no longer living in the same place, and a phrase that has come up recently in me is how we have to nurture relationships, otherwise they ‘dry out’ which is what happened several times where I could have redefined these relationships and continued to enjoy myself within them, but I see how it was me that decided to ‘cut ties’ or believe they no longer ‘have time for me’ and in a way lose contact which I would genuinely appreciate even if it was ‘long distance’ many times.

 

How I got to realize this wasn’t an easy ‘looking at the word’ in one go. What I did was first seeing directly at all the points that did emerge within me in one way or another  – subtly or strongly – that I have been missing in my reality. These were both people or parts of myself that I got to experience and develop while being in certain relationships.

 

I saw how as much as I was not at a ‘great place’ when it comes to my emotions and decisions in life, the person that I was 10 years ago was also living more in a self-discovery, adventurous manner that I completely cut off/let go of when starting this process believing that I had to completely become ‘devoid’ of any sort of distraction at the time – which I associated with my personal interests and enjoyment at the time, which surely was a possible necessary phase as well considering how I was about to go down a downward spiral of mysticism right before I got to find Desteni and start this process, which was – in retrospect – a necessary pause in my life as well to really get to see who I am within it all and the subsequent 9 years up to now that it has taken myself to get to a stable position within me in who I am and developing sufficient self-support for what I see is yet to be created by me in my life.

 

Therefore  I also had to practically see what of ‘the me that I miss from over 10 years ago’ is livable and supportive to my current context, and of all things what I saw more prominently were the relationships to arts and music as forms of genuine enjoyment that I was able to share with others as well. I realized that I miss seeing reality with the eyes that I would see it before which was more of a genuine curiosity and appreciation that I then completely blacked out by defining all pictures as mind-interpretations therefore meaningless, therefore pointless – but I’ve come to realize it’s not even about ‘the pictures’ as much as it is about who we are in the process of taking pictures and what we can reflect on them, so going from pure aesthetics to a more internal process that I might have not seen entirely ‘within me’ before when I first started taking pictures over 10 years ago in a rather compulsive manner lol.

 

So that explorative, creative, adventurous me is the one that I have been ‘missing’ which in fact has become a sort of rigidity, at times ‘bitterness’ for cutting out this expression in me and believing that I had to be ‘ok without it’ – but it all has to do with how I judged such experiences as something ‘pointless’ or ‘superficial’ to do, and within this ignoring or deliberately suppressing the sense of enjoyment that I had with it which I am now looking forward to re-create and find the ways to do so in my current living situation, which might or might not be related to taking pictures per se, but I won’t know unless I actually test it out myself.

 

The same goes with things I used to do with certain friends where surely, a person’s expression is unique and the point here is not to try and find another ‘person’ that is exactly the same as the friendships or relationships I am ‘missing’ – nor does it mean that I have to re-establish a relationship with the same person because it is so that people change, have different lives, interests change etc. The point I’m looking at here is related to developing and nurturing relationships, which is something I can definitely see I have not done – have sucked at it actually – yet I also am aware that when I establish a relationship with another – being it of friendship or partnership – I am quite committed and loyal to it.

 

So it’s a matter of deciding to create more ‘meaningful’ as in deep and intimate relationships, nurture and develop them. And this is something I can certainly learn to see with a different pair of eyes than in the past as well, where relationships were more like a ‘personal hideout’ than a personal development of intimacy within myself and others, of supportive enjoyment and co-creation which are words that I have missed about myself as well in relation to others.

 

Also while looking at this word ‘missing’ I realized that it also doesn’t necessarily mean something that ‘was part of my life and is gone now’ but also considering things that I simply haven’t yet done and lived in my life and at the moment I have a notion of what it can be and it involves the word ‘depth’ in it as in really getting to know me, see me and continue to develop this self-appreciation that I sought to ‘receive’ from others so many times before in my life. And this is what I see I have been missing all along and only have been recently realizing this which is great so that I don’t end up ‘waiting for me to happen’ in a way, but I can lead myself to make things happen, to create the outcomes that I see are potentials yet I have not actively worked on developing them.

 

Therefore, I’m currently aligning and setting up what I call platforms, changes, requirements, tools and skills that I can use to move to the self-creation step in a more ‘system’ related context, which is actually what I have also been missing in my life as in not having a clear experience of yet and that I am frankly eager to create and establish for myself.

 

So, here it’s quite clear to see how from a point of ‘missing’ and emotionally reacting to it at first in a sense of denial that led to a ‘having to admit to myself’ of actually missing, to then the process/time I walked to separate ‘the wheat from the chaff’ as they say in terms of establishing what I was missing more from an emotional attachment, a sort of ‘nostalgia’ or selective memory starting point when it comes to seeing what I ‘miss the most’ – as all that which I have perceived as having been only a’ good time’ in my life, which I have proven to myself is a very limited way to look at ‘memories’ and ‘the past’ in general – so that I could also not focus on ‘the people’ I missed, but more like the parts of myself that I have missed, that I have truncated in my life and those that I have not yet developed or created yet and that I got to taste a bit of in certain past times or seeing what aspects of myself I can now create in my life with a new starting point as well – this also includes aspects of other people in my past that I can integrate in my own life as well.

 

This  enables me to see how to redefine the word ‘missing’ from a perception of lack or desire to ‘go back to having that which I no longer have’ to focusing on what is here as myself that I can create, take on or approach again but from the current starting point in my life and process of self-creation. And this is where the empowerment comes back to self, where there is no longer a sense of lack, helplessness, irresoluteness and keeping myself in a ‘waiting mode’ or being in plain denial about ‘missing anything at all,’ but, I can see how if I decide to do things = I make them happen, so I can approach this aspect of ‘missing’ the same way: stopping the longing, the belief of something being ‘forever gone’ within me and challenge such beliefs by bringing it back here and see who am I with it and how I can expand within it from my current position and starting point in life.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

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559. “I should be done with this by now”

Or how to let go of control and rigidity while doing some self-investigation

 

This is the reaction that I got when having to look at a particular word that was placed within my attention to look at, and the word is ‘miss’ as in missing. When first looking at it, I considered that I had already worked through many dimensions of ‘missing’ because that’s been quite a common thing in my experience when it comes to any form of relationship, where missing becomes a life-draining situation and so here I have to also look at the starting point of working through the process of ‘letting go’ of something or someone in order to simply not have to ‘experience more pain’ which can be a conditioning factor where I am then ‘working on it’ to make myself feel better or not feel ‘worse’ or ‘feel any pain or sorrow’- instead of fully making it as a realization of who I am, what I can learn and stand up from in my life.

 

Therefore when I looked at the word ‘missing’ I believed that I was in a way ‘safe from harm’ which means not holding any grudges, sorrow, pain, loss and the rest of it that comes with parting ways with someone, which usually results in ‘missing’ a person, the relationship formed with them or a part of ourselves that we are no longer living since the person is no longer with us.

 

As much as I can work through this pattern, I saw that part of my reaction upon having to run a self-examination to see who am I in relation to the word ‘miss’ and having to look at something or someone I am missing, a barrier came up within me wherein I was standing almost like a guard in front of any possible memory about myself, my past relationships that could rear their head upon being triggered by the word ‘missing’, where I would stand with a baton kind of being ready to ‘whack it back to its place’ in order to ensure that I am in fact ‘done and over’ missing anything or anyone in my life, in essence already wanting to suppress whatever would come up while placing myself in ‘investigation’ or ‘look within’ mode.

 

The interesting thing is how it was very hard for me to admit I can STILL be ‘missing’ something or someone, because to me ‘I should be done with that by now’ which then causes a point of righteousness, rigidity and idealism in terms of ‘being over and done walking something’ – yet the very fact that I reacted to having to investigate on this word is proving that I STILL have unresolved aspects and issues with the word ‘missing’, wherein after I let go of me standing as the ‘guardian’ ready to whack ideas or thoughts of people, situations or a time in my past, I realized that I had not admitted to myself that I in fact was missing certain people in my life and that I had only made it all ‘ok’ to me in a form of creating a closure with it- but not really a closure – it was more like a veil placed upon having ‘processed’ some stuff and with that believing I am no longer affected by it, while ultimately in fact knowing that there are so many factors and dimensions to who we are, the relationships that we create, the phases we go through and even the way in which we look back at our lives and such relationships changes as we also change within ourselves.

 

Therefore the point within me that I have to let go of is this rigidity and point of control within me as the belief that ‘I am done with missing’ or ‘I have worked in all the aspects I could possibly work in relation to missing, I should be done with it by now’ and ultimately ‘I miss nothing’ yet! Knowing there are actual motions going on in my body which indicates: there ARE things to look at, I just have to be willing to look at it and admit it. Upon looking at it these past two days, I am grateful that I can now see how I am having my core shaken by having a look at a word that I frankly didn’t even notice how much I was avoiding to look at, because of precisely still not having fully resolved my relationship to ‘missing’ people, relationships or parts of myself that I came to live through and within certain relationships, and all of this was in order to make myself ‘stronger,’ but here I see how actual strength emerges by having the courage to admit to oneself one’s truth, what still comes up and emerges in a moment, instead of wanting to create a ‘strong’ façade as if nothing can ‘hurt’ me anymore, but that would only result in further suppressions and denials that I would have to invariably get through at some point = what goes around, comes around.

 

I here then remind myself to not get into a righteousness and tightness in relation to what I believe I am ‘done’ working with, because I can’t really know until there is in fact nothing ‘moving’ within me when opening up memories or discussing about the topic of ‘missing’ people or situations in my life, and be humble as well within myself to recognize that no matter how much I can believe I am ‘taking on a point’ and opening it up in all possible dimensions, there will always be aspects, parts, dimensions that I have probably not worked through and that I can instead be grateful they open up and emerge upon something or someone in my reality mentioning words, memories that could be triggering reactions within me.

 

That’s also another way to approach my reactions in a supportive manner, instead of getting into an egotistical position of ‘I should have been done and over with it by now’ which is quite inflexible and limiting when it comes to walking this process because it only makes the process of accepting reality unnecessarily difficult. And this is in fact where I have to remind myself of self-honesty, where it’s not about being right or wrong, but being open in what I see and how I see things as they emerge, to let go of wanting to stand as the guard in front of my memories, ready to whack them back into their passive existence within me, because ultimately whatever I was trying to hide within myself is just out of ego really, the whole point here is to be willing and open to see oneself in all depths and crevasses and uncomfortable spots where it is actually an awesome thing that something or someone can get us out of our comfort zone just by opening up one word to look at, that’s quite amazing and that’s how it is also quite impossible to believe one can walk ‘through one’s mind’ all alone, nope.

 

The best thing is ultimately being able to be ok with opening it up, being vulnerable within accepting what is still bothering me, no matter how much I have written it out or ‘processed’ it over the years or even understood it at an intellectual level. This process certainly doesn’t ‘function’ the same way that one would prepare for an exam or test, where you know exactly what you have to study, practice and then get it done with a ‘good result’. Our lives don’t work that way.

 

I have to be therefore willing and open to see what really came up in relation to the word ‘missing’ and instead of seeing this word with discomfort, pressure, evasion or any similar reaction, I can instead work with it, see it as a gift I can open up to get to know myself better, to see where else I can ‘dig’ and align, correct, walk through or even ‘heal’ in a way within myself – to no longer hide it or suppress it – considering that as with everything: if it is ‘bothering’ me at any level, it means there’s processing to do for me and I can therefore assist myself in doing so with the tools I got to write myself,  open up in self-honesty, forgive myself and lay out the corrections which are always going to be ways to expand, grow and change and in this context of missing, being able to give back to myself aspects, words that I have ‘missed’ living as myself and that have remained ‘locked out’ in certain relationships of my past.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

For further support on understanding and walking through Avoidance, please check out: these series at eqafe.com

  1. Avoidance: Introduction – Atlanteans – Part 277
  2. Avoidance: Not So Honest, Actually – Atlanteans – Part 278
  3. Avoidance: Guilt and Responsibility – Atlanteans – Part 279
  4. Avoidance: How You Change – Atlanteans – Part 280
  5. Avoidance: Face Yourself – Atlanteans – Part 281
  6. Avoidance: I’m Right, You’re Wrong – Atlanteans – Part 282
  7. Avoidance: Support – Atlanteans – Part 283
  8. Avoidance: Recognition – Atlanteans – Part 284

 

 

 

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2012 Self Honesty as Fear Label

“…we’ve become dependent on fear as a survival instinct and so actually fear commonsense and integrity as it is experienced/believed to be a ‘weakness’ – you have to live in fear in order to survive as the law in the matrix goes” Sunette Spies

There is indeed a label placed onto people that are common-sensical, have integrity as a human being and are ‘honest’ within the system’s terms. Fear of survival is that inherent ‘nature’ that we have accepted and allowed as part of the conditions to socialize and interact with other human beings in our reality. We don’t get to know ‘why,’ we just learn ‘that’s how things work’ and don’t dare to even question it further, because that also relegates you to the status of  ‘questioning God’- and that is something apparently untouchable and unable to be doubted. However, our actions and interaction mechanisms reveal the fact that they are actually NOT based on what is best for all at all.

 

What I see is that the ‘fear label’ of being an integral and common sensical person deemed as ‘weak’ is how bullying begins. There is an acceptance that exists behind this, and it is learned at home: you must cheat, lie and deceive if you want to thrive in the system – you must play the game no matter what if you want to live – and that goes unquestioned as well.

 

I have exposed in previous blogs here how I had a difficult time having to ‘get into the system,’ because I was so uncomfortable whenever I had to lie or do something that was merely done to be ‘accepted within the system.’ I had linked it to the culture I live in, wherein lying, deceiving, being corrupt is ‘our every day bread’ as it’s said – meaning, everyone does it, everybody knows and if you don’t do it: you are stupid and weak for not playing rough.

 

There are sayings that imply that you must cheat in order to succeed – hence anyone that is not willing to play that game is usually kicked out of the game and crucified, which means instigating hatred through what we commonly know as ‘bullying.’ The reality is that it is not only a ‘childhood/ teenage’ thing, it is a common way to threaten anyone that wants to straighten the laws of the current crooked system.  That’s how politicians that were intending to create a change were deliberately killed before getting to be presidents – that’s an example that happened here in 1994. And there are even movies that depict how anyone that has ‘good intentions’ within the political realm, will eventually be sucked in by the system simply because of being threatened to death to do so.

 

Thus, what is a bully but a person that judges a being that is mostly honest and common sensical – but because of them not ‘playing the game’ of  fear of survival and fueling the necessary opposition to create rivalry and competition that others can ‘beat’ and win over, the being is forced to participate by deliberately attacking and instigating reactions, which is exactly how within the system we learn that we ‘need to suffer to live’ and other bs like that. All about power games and emotional reactions that keep everyone well fed within a particular suit in the world.

 

“And yet – the positive illusion is so blinding that reality is not seen at all – or, is it that reality is deliberately denied because the illusion is just better and how they suppress the voices and sights in their mind/media of the reality of the situation and fall back into the bliss of the illusion of mind – too scared to face the truth they know already exist: positivity is making no difference to the reality of here

Sunette Spies

 

This is how far we have gotten ourselves as humans – that’s how anything that promotes Equality, Self Honesty, Life, Neighborism, Self Support, Self Forgiveness is tagged as a threat to the ‘status quo’ which is nothing else but living in absolute fear of each other, in constant competition and comparison, living to the rule of thumb of who lives and who dies based on ‘how well you adapt’ to the system of getting to the top no matter how many heads have to fall to do so – and the permanent underlying reason to do so is: Money.

 

And we claim evolution? Fascinatingly enough, evolution contains the word ‘love’ backwards – loveillusion can be the way to describe how these survival mechanisms are accepted, promoted and even defended with the proudly worn crowns of ‘free-will,’ ‘free-choice’ and thinking that ‘competition is healthy’ to create ‘well-bred human beings that make the best of their lives’ – however this free-willer type of statements are based upon equating ‘the best they can’ to their personal gain and satisfying a personal interest that is based mostly on being powerful = having money, ‘being successful in the system’ which, as we know, can only be done if participating within the rules of the game = if you don’t dare to abuse, you are not considered a productive element of society.

 

We have compromised each other to this mechanism and dared to call it ‘making a living,’ existing in fear of each other, transforming ourselves into survival robots that forgot everything about living in common sense – and that’s simply because of how we have structured and based our living reality upon laws and structures that are definitely NOT supporting the well being of all beings, but only perpetuating the same ‘survival of the fittest,’ because that ensures competition, consumerism and the replenishing of the system itself.

Once again without friction/ energy going on, there is nothing that moves the cathode to the anode and the light is not generated.

 

When we dare to see how we exist and what we have created of this system as ourselves, you inevitably change your perspective about your world and reality – if daring to be Self Honest about it. So, what Sunette explains is how we tend to ‘fall back into the mind’ wherein we keep ourselves in that instant gratification of ‘positivity,’ ‘love,’ the eternal pursuit of happiness wherein you can take a chill pill and pretend that ‘everything is fine.’ Sometimes this is not only about drugs, but merely constant self-talk on how ‘beautiful life is’ while neglecting the millions that are starving today.

 

“In a world flooded with positive thinkers, we have hell being born.” – Bernard Poolman

 

This is how our media and enter.tamement operates: ‘be happy, be healthy, seek for your next greatest excitement, seek the truth of yourself, spread love, ‘be yourself’ because you’re worth it and buy your happiness in the mall of your choice – get plastic surgery, look like people in magazines because they are ‘the’ role model to follow, you want to be like them, you can’t just aspire to be like them, you must become them. Get more money, work harder, you’ll eventually ‘get it.’ And billions live by this constant backchat impulsed by all media, family, school, society – virtually any man-made reality is based on these principles, just for the sake of keeping an economic system deliberately designed to enslave some, place others in a perpetual throne while spreading new ways to create illusions of ‘fool.fillment’ to attain to.

 

“Humanity is not growing in any other way but in the rising of consumption in the constant desire to have the next item that will create a feeling of happiness through entertainment” – Bernard Poolman

 

Life is NOT about any of what we have believed it to be about thus far – is Life about working your entire life until you die, having only made enough money to get by? No. Is Life about seeking to be accepted within a certain social-stratum in order to believe that you are now ‘worthy’ and ‘valuable’ in life? No – Who has placed such concepts like ‘value’ upon life to begin with!? We have. We are responsible for it, without any question.

 

Thus, what have we enslaved us to: to spawn beings that will be wrought by the ‘rules of the system’ wherein if you look like someone that would not ‘break a plate’ – which is stealing, cheating, deceiving, abusing in order to thrive – then you are seen as  a threat to the dog-eat-dog world. And it is fascinating that I had not seen this as clear as it is until today. Have a look at your matrix personality designs wherein ‘nerds’ or clear-headed kids are bullied because they are not ‘playing the game’ and fighting toward others to ‘get to be the king of the hill.’ I mean, they are relegated to being some anomaly that must be exterminated – and that’s how by default, only the ones that dared to play the game become part of the successful-stories of humans that ‘make it’ – those that didn’t dare to do the same,  remain secluded and ostracized. This is the proof of how the ‘rules of the game’ are in fact evil.

 

“Is the drive for profit a fear not fully realized yet? Or do those that thrive in the system place profit above all morality as they belief the less the consumer know, the less the possibility of fear?”
Bernard Poolman

 

No positivity will ever change the world because how can any form of ‘goodness’ be created upon a thick layer of slaves that are working 18 hours a day for you to have your latest iPad, which is a ‘symbol of success,’ success that you seek with such positivity and light-loving nature of asking it to the universe – Who is the real evil in this world to neglect the abuse and suffering that ‘successful lifestyles’ are based upon?

 

Not wanting to step out of the love and light illusion should be considered as a crime against life. There is no worse sickening bullshit being peddled around other than ‘seeking your next greatest excitement’ while having over half of the world suffering for not having the least to have a dignified living condition.

 

Do we have to go as far as having to lose it all in order to open our eyes to see the LIE we have created as an illusion of life? Do we have to get to the bottom of our self-created pit and exist in regret for the rest of our existence because of having neglected the reality that is HERE as ourselves, as our world? I say no – stand up from your meditation cushion, take off the blindfold, be part of the ones that stop nagging and inducing others to be abusive to thrive in this world, that stop pretending that living is achieving the ultimate status of a famous and powerful person while neglecting the lives that had to be enslaved to build such empire of dirt.

 

Time to wake up– we are here and ready to Stop All Fears in our Reality as this is the KEY to realize how much we have feared each other. Dare to be Self-Honest to stop being a happy-positive cogwheel that churns on fears and desires and self-induced needs that are not actually related to actual-living at all.

You don’t need love, you don’t need light, you don’t need ‘God’ – all you require is having the courage to live in Self Honesty which is not about ‘doing the right thing,’ but going through a process of self-investigation to see what we are participating in that is keeping the current system of abuse in place, and how to correct ourselves to create a reality that’s best for all, daring to expose the lies that we have ‘lived’ thus far and actually do something about it.

 

“The message of God uses the Fear of God to drive followers to the Love of God. This confirms that the source of Love is Fear. The world is Evidence that Love will never conquer Fear.” – Bernard Poolman

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Suggested read:

Jack – The Courage to live Self-Honestly

Books:

Spirituality Under the Microscope – Volume 1

Audio Interviews:

Money is the Light of God on Earth

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