Tag Archives: mother

221. Insanity as a Fear turned into Fascination

Continuing with: 220. Drug Culture: Mad Society as a Lifestyle

First point: How did I come to link Drug Culture with Mad people as a point of fascination?

– Personal Story/ Characterization of the Black Sheep/Crazy person that supports Crazy People:

By Fascination I mean something that intrigues you, something that you cannot be certain of but containing ‘something’ that is mostly not broadly understood, acceptable, comprehensible, normal and having no ‘cure’ for it. And all of this formed part of all the various mysteries that I would always be fascinated to talk about, which is like a generational thing: all things occult, paranormal, mysterious, extraterrestrial, inexplicable events, myths and whatever it is that would cause me a point of Fascination as an energetic experience that I can describe as Adrenaline.  Where does adrenaline come from? Fear.

Yesterday I wrote that I didn’t quite know where this fascination comes from, so I got a perspective on how it was simply a point of Fear that I had turned into a fascination. I definitely see the point as there was an energetic movement that I realized I had to walk through first in order to be able to tell the story, walk the Self Forgiveness without holding onto the Experience that I imprinted on all these memories. Even the drawing I placed on yesterday’s post indicated the way to follow up: I fear going insane – which is a real thought in my mind that has existed at times and I bet that all human beings have had this thought at some point in their lives. To me such fear indicated how the moment I could not make sense of insanity, I turned it into a fascination, which is a very simple polarity mechanism of the mind to turn love into hate and vice versa, all for the sake of creating a relationship of conflict toward something/ someone. That insanity became what I realized would be linked to a sense of freedom – e.g. when I was a kid and ‘act all crazy’ and how I would have fun for causing a shock to my family, I mean this was quite a common way for me to behave, lol, and it was all because of the energetic experience. 

It was exactly a month ago that I began gathering information about this topic and so I got several points listed related to insanity/ drugs as a point of self definition. Therefore, this will be quite a ride since I can see a lot of the personality I had become was linked to this and may still be seeping through at times.

 

Hence this entire topic will be divided in two: Insanity and Drug Culture.

– I begin with insanity and my childhood years.

When I was a child, I would go into extreme temper tantrums, I’ve explained this before when talking about anger, getting possessed to the point wherein I would vibrate my whole body and I absolutely get till this day this chilling sensation on the left arm when recalling the energy and pain in the back of my head, occipital point right side. So, what comes up to mind is that when I would possess myself within these tantrums, I would mostly end up being alone in what was then my parent’s room and my mother would come in and be all angry at me for being throwing a tantrum,  I remember her eyes being absolutely wide open and then saying something along the lines of me being really crazy for being possessed with such anger/ in such tantrum. So, this word was connected to this shock that I would put myself into within this anger possession and her calling me crazy would only fuel this entire possession like a spiteful mode of ‘Oh you’re calling me crazy eh? well here we go, I’ll get as crazy as I can’ and so end up really just crying my heart out and feeling my body just go into this absolute energetic possession wherein I would feel every single part of my body going into a frenzy, anger in the utmost expression’ – I would only take this to a certain point because: I feared dying. Yes, I feared that my heart would stop and I would get a heart attack for tensing up my body that much, so I would only calm myself down out of guilt for what I realized I was doing to my body, I could feel what a draining experience it was for it and so I would stop out of regret, shame and feeling overall miserable and sad toward myself and ‘asking forgiveness’ to my body at the end, regretting the whole act, but not learning from it as I would then repeat the same some other times…  I would be alone when all of this would happen since my mother or father would mostly close the door after themselves whenever I was in such a state of possession. All of this I’m pretty sure would happen when I was 5, 6 or 7.  And this is as far as I can see I linked insanity with fear due to my anger possessions.

Later on whenever we would see ‘crazy people’ like vagrants on the street, my mother would take me by the hand and walk across the street or deliberately change our path/way to not go directly past the ‘crazy person.’ She was afraid of them and so I obviously picked up the fear toward them, ending up fearing being called crazy person, like them  – initially – which later on turned into the opposite point.

 

Another aspect is how whenever I would be exalted/ angry for any little thing in my world – listen to the short fused life review to listen to what I would mostly go through my life – my mother would have this joking-way of dealing with me and so she would start patting my back, caressing my back but she said something about such movement been done to ‘calm crazy people when going through an attack’ – and so I would then dislike her doing that because of her then doing it within the starting point of calling me ‘crazy’ and as such, being considered a ‘crazy person’ which I feared/ disliked. I took it absolutely personal and too serious so I would react to her in further anger whenever she tried to touch me again when I was angry.

The same situation would happen with my father, whenever he was absolutely angry and my mother would try and calm him down. What happens in this situation is that one is so possessed with anger that someone kind of making fun of your experience or ‘not taking it seriously’ = not ‘buying’ and in a way not supporting the mind’s tantrum, only fueled the anger because us in the mind is like ‘come on you have to get all fearful because I am Angry!’ – just like demons instigating deliberate fear around the people that are in the presence of a demon possession, which is what I’ve learned from the recent interviews by MyKey Demons in the Afterlife.  So, I essentially would do the same he did until my mother would not handle it and end up reacting in anger as well.  And so I would exacerbate the anger even further, until I would decide that I had been angry enough time for the day.

 

And so this ‘crazy’ person point became a relationship within myself toward my mother mostly wherein I would later on try and prove that I was ‘in fact’ crazy for liking, saying, doing the things I would do, which weren’t real shocking but always containing some form of instigation toward a reaction, as I would feed off from her reactions toward my actions, way of behaving, doing, living, preferences, etc. just the deliberate process of creating a point of conflict within her wherein I would get a kick out of ‘not following her ways’ and becoming that which I thought she feared me becoming.

Now things have changed obviously as I’ve walked my process and realized more and more how my relationship toward here was based on this antagonism to create a point of conflict within her and myself. Till this day she calls me loca as a nickname, which is only a remnant of everything that I lived out in order to seem outrageous for her/ my family, which is why I then went into finding out more about everything that was feared as insanity and drug addicts mostly. So, I essentially created a ‘fascination’ for some of the key aspects that I would hear my parents fearing: insanity and drug addicts as mentally instable people, as some sort of scum of society.

There you go, my antagonist/ rebellious character then formed according to creating a likeness/ being fascinated with that which was feared, being curious about that which you cannot understand, that which is not openly talked about – at least not at home or in y immediate environment – which were insanity and later on drugs.

 

This will continue.

 

Self Forgiveness on the First aspect of this entire point which is Insanity/ Craziness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to fear going crazy when I was a child due to how I learned that insanity was something to be feared and that I could in fact end up being sent to a mental hospital, which would exist as a joke within my family of ‘dropping me at El Batán’ which became like similar to threatening me with the boogie man.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to react in absolute fear literal petrification that one time that I was taking pictures around the pyramid in Cholula, and the mental hospital is right behind, and so as I was walking around, I heard a woman screaming ‘Let me out! Let me Out” and so her screams became this chilling experience of absolute fear within me, wherein I realized that I actually feared ever being in such a place that I had only ‘idealized’ from what one read in books or watches in movies.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to experience powerlessness toward ‘insane people,’ while feeling sorry for them being ‘locked up’ and at the same time fearing me being in such a place ever in my life.

 

I realize that I understand now why such type of absolute actual crazy people – not self-made crazy people, which is another story – were actually system-integration errors within the physical body, wherein the mind would not develop appropriately, leading to a physical development as ‘usual’ but the mind creating a point of instability/ malfunction leading to mental impairment or insanity – For further support to understand this which was actually a cool explanation to make sense of people with mental problems Life Review – A Child’s Mind in an Adult Body.

 

 

DSC00478_001
View from standing outside ‘El Batán’

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to keep this picture as ‘special’ because it was taken right after I heard that woman screaming ‘let me out’ and imprinting it as an entire memory that I recall as  a point of fear but at the same time linked to the entire emotional aspect that I had lived out within myself toward gloomy-looking trees and sunsets, making it a ‘perfect memory’ of fear, enjoyment and whatnot as a Mindfuckism example of that which I accepted and allowed myself to be defined by.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I was in fact ‘fascinated’ with insanity and/or drugs, without realizing how it was only me creating a relationship of likeness/ preference/ desire toward that which I feared and learned to fear through the memories of my childhood and the reactions I would pick up on people as in fearing insane people, drug addicts and within that, not getting any further information as to ‘why’ they were crazy or why they would take drugs in the first place.

 

When and as I see myself believing that I am fascinated and curious by that which points out insanity or drug addictions, the inexplicable human behavior – I stop and I breathe – I realize that any point that I create a fascination toward is just a relationship of fear that I have built up based on knowledge and information and as such, I direct myself to breathe and equalize myself to that which I have built a ‘fascination’ toward, ensuring I stop all participation in any form of energetic experience that I have deemed as fascination –

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link ‘fascination’ to an energetic experience of extensive fear as adrenaline, as something that ‘I like’ which is not Me really liking such energetic experience as something ‘positive’ but it is who I am as the mind creating a relationship of fascination toward that which I could not understand and was feared instead. Which is how I developed later on fascinations toward the occult, mysteries, ghosts, spiritualism, dead people, and everything that would be usually ‘feared’ due to being labeled ‘insane’ or ‘abnormal’ and defining myself as ‘liking’ that which was not broadly acceptable.

 

When and as I see myself creating an energetic experience of adrenaline when participating with something/someone that I have considered as insane, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is me morphing the fear into a fascination thus I stop participating in fear and instead, equalize myself to the physicality of the moment here as breath to ensure I remain here as breath when interacting, reading, hearing, watching anything related to insanity.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that there was something ‘special’ in crazy people wherein I then thought that being crazy was an equivalent to being ‘sane’ in this mad world – crazy people being ‘more free’ and expressive from anything that was implanted as a point to be feared or not done in our society, which is how I would veer toward ‘craziness’ as only a desire to become that in a very moderated way, simply because of knowing that my parents feared crazy people and that crazy people were mostly relegated from society – and as such, me wanting to be ‘special’ in a way for being crazy as a form of positive experience and self definition in he mind.

 

When and as I see myself believing that crazy people were special in a way due to not abiding to the social norms and rules and as such, being ‘out of the programming’ in one way or another – I stop and I breathe – I realize that craziness/ insanity is a word that only points out what we have all been and participated within in our day to day living in this world, and that as such there has been no sanity that we could find within ourselves as humanity as a whole yet.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define people as ‘crazy’ based on what the medical societies would define a person was, which then became a pejorative word to call a person that would be dealing with any form of mental instability.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create my fascinations based on that which I knew would bother my mother, father and family in general, wherein I then veered to become the opposite of everything that I assessed they were ‘all about,’ and this being the beginning of me as the opposition/ rebellious/ antagonistic character that I later on became fascinated with as a point of energetic experience due to how I would identify with people that were insane or the fascination toward drugs as a sense of ‘freedom’ – hence linking ‘freedom’ to insanity/ drug cultures as everything that would be opposed to what I learned was prohibited, unspoken at home which was then ‘restriction/ fear’ linked to insanity and drug cultures among other perverse state of minds that were a taboo within society.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately want to ‘act crazy’ to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wanting to create some form of distress within her just for the sake of having the power to do so.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately shape, mold and create a personality based on everything which I thought and believed my mother would fear me liking/ becoming, in essence becoming everything that I knew would piss her off, just because ‘I could’ and just because I wanted to instill a point of conflict in her life as the actual evil point that exists within/ as myself as the mind that seeks conflict and friction to survive.

 

I forgive myself that I ever accepted and allowed myself to want to blame my mother for all the fears that I acquired through her, not realizing that I was the one that accepted and allowed such fears to become part of my self definition, and that I continued acting upon them, later on using them as a way to become that which she feared as a point of ‘power’ over her, because of knowing that I could instigate fear within her for being/ becoming or liking things that she mostly would fear or reject. Again, this within the principle of me as the mind only seeking friction and conflict to be able to continue existing as the mind.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to grow up believing that I could understand what an insane people would feel like.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience ‘fascination’ toward the pictures that I saw – not long ago- in an exhibition of a public photography archive of La Castañeda, which was the most ‘famous’ mental hospital here in Mexico City, and these pictures were taken around the 50’s and creating an energetic experience while watching them of fear/ fascination as well as sadness and condescendence while watching these pictures of the people, the place and their drawings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I could deal with insane people easily just because of me apparently being able to ‘understand’ them, which is only me wanting to get close to that which I remember I had to fear/ stay away from while growing up in my family. Therefore

When and as I see myself believing that I am able to understand insane people – I stop and I breathe – I realize that ‘insane people’ can only exist as a definition of people in my mind according to a particular character that people have deliberately become in/as the mind, which is Not who the real being is – thus I ensure that I equalize myself to who and what the being really is in order to not look at the character they are representing and creating a point of empathy Toward the Character, but instead, assist and support myself to bring out/ equalize myself to the Being that is real, that is physically here as an equal. Within this also ensuring that I stop any form of condescendence as a projected victimization toward people that are being considered ‘insane’ nowadays, and believing that they require a ‘hand’ – not realizing that  as long as such beings are not directly deciding for themselves to support themselves first and foremost, I cannot possibly play the savior toward ‘them.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to link the word ‘crazy/ loco’ with a pejorative way to call a person as well as a flattering word to be called as, wherein I had linked first ‘crazy/ loco’ with a reaction of fear that later on turned into a fascination, hence accepting and allowing myself to feel almost ‘flattered’ whenever my mother calls me ‘loca’ which means crazy woman, which is obviously only a nickname that I realize I had reacted to in a positive manner due to how I had defined crazy people as Free from the social conditioning that we are all a part of,  within this

 

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a point of ‘joy’ toward the deliberately/jokingly exaggerated automated actions that my father would do whenever he’s in a rush and doing things and getting everything ‘done’ as fast as he can, wherein he tends to act a bit aloof and ‘crazy’ which is an aspect I created a fondness toward, like saying ‘hey look that’s where I got it from’  – which is just a point of getting attention for behaving in a particular aloof manner, as a ‘joke’ or humoristic way of being.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a point of identification with my father for his ‘crazy ideas’ lol and as such believing that ‘I knew what  he would go through’ whenever my mother would bring him ‘back to Earth’ and I would take such action as a repression/ suppression, which was at times so – lol – but I then used it as a way to ‘team up’ against my mother and developing an entire personality that I have walked sufficiently on a mind construct which is now pretty clear how the fear/ antagonism toward my mother also carries the words ‘crazy’ as a relationship formed of me presenting traits that my father had, wherein I saw how she would react the same way toward me when I presented myself/ spoke in a ‘crazy way’ just to get a kick out of her reacting to our craziness.

 

Lol I remember when riding in the car and talking about aliens/ UFO’s and my father saying that he wanted to be alien abducted and how I would say ‘yes! yes! me too!’ and my father would continue rambling about that and saying how we would both go there and live with extraterrestrial beings etc. etc. and my mother would only say and repeat ‘you are both Really crazy’ and how we would fuel that point of friction and conflict more and more.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use ‘insanity’ as a fear instilling process toward my mother and any other person on the street whenever I want to create a point of conflict/ friction within them, and as such, deliberately doing acts wherein I would get a energetic kick out of doing that which was not ‘normal’ or that I considered wasn’t normal at the eyes of others, hence getting an experience out of ‘transcending’ my own fears toward insanity in the first place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to copy my father’s mechanism of presenting himself as overtly ‘honest’ at times as a means to instigate a point of friction and conflict within my mother, wherein he would exaggerate things to blow them out of proportion so that my mother would react in a restrictive manner toward his behavior and hearing her say ‘(name of father’ you are really crazy’ – lol – and from there forming this condescending experience toward my father like ‘I know what you FEEL like, I’ve been there myself’ – not realizing that I am simply representing the exact same patterns he’s had throughout his life in both anger and a bit of aloofness which I had created as a mix of, precisely, fear and fascination in my mind like a fondness toward him due to what I would also experience within myself as what I perceived was similar to His experience.

 

When and as I see myself being fond of my father’s aloofness and tantrums, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this fondness that I have created toward him can only exist if I continue to see him only as that ‘craziness’ pattern that I became fond of due to standing as a point of friction and conflict that we could inflict within my mother and as such, creating an entire character about this particular experience of retaliating toward my mother due to the inherent friction and conflict I experienced toward her as ‘my mother’ and the corrective-person toward all my personal ‘treats’ that would give me an energetic kick, which was everything that she would judge and ‘go against’ throughout my life, not realizing that all those choices I made were essentially part of the character that I became to oppose everything she would see as acceptable, just to create and perpetuate a point of conflict within me/ my life and hers and call this ‘freedom/ rebelling against oppression’.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold this belief that my father would act aloof/ crazy as a deliberate way to instigate attention and conflict within others, which is nothing else but becoming a character in order to get some attention from others as a point of specialness/ outrageousness which is mostly considered as plain ‘crazy’ or ‘abnormal,’ which I equated to ‘freedom’ and ‘expression.’ From here creating the whole idea that I was a crazy person because I would not want to abide to social norms and I wanted to deliberately instigate a point of shock within people whenever I could as a way to gain attention, recognition, specialness, uniqueness, the ideal ‘free being’ type of expression which was all linked to this entire construct of initially having feared insanity, then using it as a way to instigate conflict in others which would give me an energetic experience in the mind that would confirm: I am a crazy person/ I am abnormal/ I am special/ I am misunderstood/ I do not fear breaking the rules – and all this ‘antagonist/ rebellious/ black sheep’ character that I became throughout my life in my family and environment in a very moderate way, but very ‘ingrained’ as ‘who I am.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an energetic experience of adrenaline whenever I would do something that was deliberately ‘outrageous’ just for the sake of triggering a reaction within Others – which points out how if I had no people around me to instill a reaction within, I would have mostly not played out these characters at all as there is no point in acting like that whenever I am alone – hence realizing that everything that I created of myself as a ‘crazy character’ was just a way to get attention, be opposed, step out of the rules, be perceived as free and expressive and mostly instigate a point of conflict within my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself for having desired to keep this specific way of being that can be labeled as ‘crazy’ and a bit autistic at times when being alone or walking through the streets whenever I want to protect myself from any potential threat – due to being alone/ walking alone – and present myself in a particular way wherein I expect people to believe that I am crazy and that I am ‘not worthy’ of assaulting or robbing as in me being deranged or possibly dangerous toward them.

When and as I see myself going through the streets and wanting to deliberately present a physical expression of being a bit crazy or deranged with certain attitudes like looking at the wall or moving my hands or walking too fast or looking ‘aloof’ in order to protect myself, I stop and I breathe – I realize that these attitudes are stemming from fear – and as such, I direct myself to act, be here and walk as breath without participating in any point in my mind wherein a point of perceived threat is activated when and while walking.

 

I forgive myself that I had accepted and allowed myself to not deliberately brush my hair when I had hair as a way to denote ‘look, I am crazy, do not get close’ lol – which became part of the entire eccentric personality later on linked to the artistic character that I’ve also walked within this process.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever look at ‘crazy people’ or even autistic people with a certain ‘fascination’ and trying to understand them/ support them somehow which was an entire experience of fear turned into adrenaline whenever this happened, which I equated as fascination, becoming only a mind fixation of sorts due to the fear that I actually experienced toward them and transforming that fear into a fascination which in no way is it in fact assisting and supporting myself and others to step out of our fears, prejudices and definitions toward one another as physical human beings and within this, supporting  ourselves to stop existing only as characters that we’ve become in the mind, and instead focus on supporting one another to become physical living beings.

 

I realize that all of this is knowledge and information that served only a single purpose: to limit myself within a particular energetic relationship and experience as the mind, instead of equalizing myself as the physicality that we all are as human beings. Thus

 

I commit myself to stop all self-definitions as an energetic imprint within me linked to insanity/ craziness/ aloofness that I have linked to a point of freedom and apparent ‘fascination’ within the understanding that it all stemmed out of fear and familial relationships linked to reactions in the mind. Thus, I equalize myself as the physical here wherein no definitions can exist as ‘who I am’ or ‘what I like’ – but simply assisting and supporting myself to be and become the actual living-being that I am and that stops energetic experiences toward words, pictures and memories that are related to the ‘insanity’-fascination character.

 

I commit myself to continue debunking this point of insanity as fear as a point of apparent ‘fascination’ as only one of the aspects that I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become as a character in the mind, which is nothing else but an energetic self-definition that only feeds the entire personality of ‘who I am’ as the mind. Thus, I walk this process in order to stop any form of ‘minute’ experiences that I have linked to this particular character of insanity-fascination and support myself to equalize myself as breath, as the physical that I am in reality.

 

In the Equal Money System there will be education based on understanding how the mind functions, in order to be able to direct and educate all beings to correct any predisposition to veer toward the acting out of the mind instead of the physicality. The patterns will be able to be corrected as a physical process with specific support and assistance to also deal with anyone that may present any form of mental instability that could represent an actual threat to the community/ society.

 

Further support:

 

From the Book: 

Equal Money – Future of Money – Volume 1

 

Interviews:

 

Blogs:

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106. Abundance = Elitist Positive Experience

 

Creating a positive experience upon opening a cabinet with lots of food stored as a synonym of care and love by parents. This became a ‘trait’ in itself wherein my logic worked as follows: ‘because my father cares for us, he buys us lots of food and ensures we never run out of certain products, which is how he demonstrates that he is always thinking about what is best for us’ – Yet I never took into consideration if there were any other motives to do that, if there were other reasons such as scarcity or even lacking  enough money in the future wherein the excess of items in stock were more of a food bank for emergency situations. The reasons may vary, however one thing is certain: such positive experience can only be achieved if we have enough money to buy food and to buy More than is immediately required to consume.

This is how I debunk parental care to an opportunity that only a few can provide their children with, as well as seeing how in an Equal Money System world, there will be no need to create a positive experience and binding force between family members out of being able to provide with the necessary means to live, as this will be a given right for all.

 

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider that having enough food in stock at home bought by my father is a synonym of care, wherein I have associated the fact that he always ensures to have enough food in stock as an efficient-point, a preventive type of personality trait that I associated as something positive, without realizing that having food in stock is actually stemming from the fear of not having enough food/ not having enough supplies in any given moment, which is how I learned how to be preventive out of fear only.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to define my father’s efficiency according to ‘being able to always provide us food and never experiencing a lack of something,’ which is only a trait available and dependent on money itself – not the person.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience a form of admiration and pride when being able to open up our food cabinet and always finding several milks in stock, which I then took as an example for me to follow, wherein having ‘more than enough’ is seen as a synonym of being ‘preventive’ and ‘efficient’ which is something that my father would take pride on, and that I accepted as a genuine point to consider implementing as myself, until I realize that the starting point of it was fear of ending up with no food/ supplies – and also it is to realize how such ‘food in stock’ can only be a reality if there is enough money to buy more than what is currently required – wherein every time that I would find out there is no more than 1 item in stock, I would associated it with being in any form of crisis or financial trouble, just because of how I got so used to seeing more than enough in our food cabinets as a positive experience, wherein the negative as ‘not seeing more than 1’ was immediately a ‘red flag’ as an indication that there was something wrong going on in our economy.

 

I realize that this is plainly an elitist type of association since a couple of billion people in this world cannot possibly even fathom what it would be like to acquire more food than the one required in the moment, nor would it be even possible to have money to do so on a regular basis – hence I see how I had lived in a small secured bubble wherein I took food for granted and as a synonym of care such as ‘my father cares for us because he brings food to the table,’ but never questioning why my father was able to do that, but many other beings in this world were simply not able to do that, as there are billions deliberately left out of the ‘world system loop’ wherein money is not something that they have any access to – hence food, shelter, clothing and basic services come to them only as a rarity just because of everything else being secured within a minority in this world which includes ourselves – and within that, it is to see how we even dare to create a positive experience out of having enough good in your storage/ food cabinet, without even stopping for a moment to see if every single being on Earth is equally capable and able to have access to feed their children properly, if they have access to money itself in order to buy food and anything else required to live.

 

Thus I see that all the values I have created within my life and throughout the interactions with our basic sustenance within this world system, have been based upon me taking for granted the ability to have money, the ability to buy food and even the ability to choose what to eat, which is a rather elitist move that is not readily given to all beings equally.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate having enough food in stock as ‘feeling secure and cared for’ wherein I would start mimicking this attitudes of having plenty in stock in order to feel secure and that I was caring for myself, not realizing this is essentially done in fear of ending up with no food in the moment, wherein buying milk became a compulsory act until I realized what I was doing and how in a very clear though in ‘the back of my head,’ there was fear of something suddenly emerging in our reality and me feeling secure because at least I would have something to eat.

 

I realize that there are billions that have no possibility to even have a regular access to food, nor can they even dream about being able to store food somewhere and many do not even have a place to live. Thus I see and realize how I have kept myself in this small bubble wherein I would only seek to satisfy my needs, and forget about the world, which is how we stand for the Equal Money System to ensure that all beings can be equally cared for, without having to fear running out of something, not having enough money to feed ourselves the next day and also stop all the relationships of specialness and authority that we have built toward other beings in order to secure our own survival, which is what has created this entire system of self interest covered up and justified with familial bonds in the name of ‘love’ and ‘care,’ when it is in fact just associations that work like investments wherein you are either a winner or a loser according to the amount of money you are able to have in this world-system game.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience of just seeing that no matter if I empty this cereal box, there is another one ready to be opened by me as ‘my father bought it to me because he cares for me’ which is how I developed this positive attitude toward my father based on his ability to provide food for us and pay for our education, which is an example of how money defines our relationships toward people, often polarizing such relationships if the other parent is not as supportive financially which was then considered in my mind as ‘not caring enough for me,’ simply because of not being contributing in a physical manner as money toward the household.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even at times get annoyed by me having to thank my father for everything he had bought us to eat and our personal care, wherein I would start backchatting the point of him sharing with us what he had bought us and how I judged him for boasting on what he had bought in order for us to feel ‘in debt’ with him, which was only my own backchat about it, never really considering what was enabling that entire scenario in the first place besides asking whether I was experiencing myself in a positive or negative manner.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate provision of food/ basic needs as ‘parental love and care,’ wherein I accepted the fact that I did not communicate that much with my father, but would always be physically supported by him with what I required to live- hence developing a positive attitude toward my father, which then turned into a polarity point in relation to how I would experience myself with my mother that would provide that point of communication but no financial support – hence me silently judging her as ‘less than’ because she would not contribute with money to our household.

 

Within this, I see, realize and understand how I went on creating my own value-systems according to what I deemed of value – such as products/ food/ personal care items/ education that I would get from my father, and how a point of interaction would be valued as also some type of asset that was ‘less worthy’ because there was no buying or consuming involved – which is how and why I had been brainwashed to only consider that which can be bought as something of value, just because of having to pay for such point of identification as self and it already indicating something more ‘challenging’ that I could call ‘love’ as I learned that in order to live = you must strive to make a living, and if someone cares enough for you = they will walk such a life-strive and bring food, which is what became a measuring point within me toward myself and as a future projection of how I wanted to lead my life: always having more than one and enough in stock in order to be secure and ‘feel cared for’/ provide care for others as well, without realizing it was mostly stemming out of fear.

 

 

Self Corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself feeling compelled to say ‘thank you’ to a repetition of items that have been bought in order to fulfill the character of ‘the provider’ within my father and myself; I stop and breathe – I realize that when I am compromising myself in any way, I must stop for a moment to assess what it is that I am in fact complying to as a positive experience that I am ‘grateful for,’ and how these seemingly positive reputation that we have and hold toward one based on complying each one’s positive character is the actual veil that does not allow ourselves to question such moments in the context of reality, but just comply to say ‘oh thank you!’ and feel cared for, loved and considered because of someone buying you food to eat, which is a relationship of convenience that can only exist as a form of control over others in order to become an authority over one’s life.

 

When and as I see myself associating having enough food in stock as something positive that I should be happy and feel that I am being cared for, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is only possible within the context of living in a family wherein there is enough money to buy food, to buy more than the necessary in order to keep it in stock as a preventive measure, without realizing that prevention in this case is only available because of money – thus realizing how we have separated ourselves from what is here to such an extent that our relationships our built according to how we are able to give to ourselves the necessary to live from the moment we emerge into this reality, which proves that we cannot possibly walk this system without understanding how our very ‘loved ones’ are in fact systematic positions that have ensured we as children learn ‘who the authority is’ based on the ability to provide the necessary food / resources to live and how whenever we do not get these basic points, we retaliate against parents or custodians and use such resentment as a way to victimize ourselves for not having proper support – when in fact such support should not be bound to a family-structure only, but as an individual process of self-support in self-honesty that we can externalize as an overall system of unconditional support such as the Equal Money system wherein no one will be bound to another to get access to the necessary resources to live, but will simply observe that everyone is getting enough to eat and live as a living right on Earth.

 

When and as I see myself creating a positive experience out of buying something, consuming or keeping in stock, I stop and I breathe – I first ensure that I am not buying such product out of fear but only as self-support and in moderate quantities wherein I can see that fear is not being the directive principle of my consumption habits, but is only common sensical according to the ability we have of going to as shop and buying more if required, without realizing how such ‘simple action’ is not an opportunity for billions on Earth.

 

When and as I see myself feeling compelled to say ‘thank you’ to my father or anyone else buying stuff for me, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am only wanting to create a point of thankfulness as an awareness of what I am being provided with, without realizing that such provision is only available for those with money and how then all the perceived ‘care’ and ‘love’ and ‘concern’ is in fact covering up all possible fears of not having enough food to feed the children, which is a rather practical point to consider, ensuring no fear, no backchat is existent within the acquisition of such products being only a habit and a paternal-pattern that I had created as a point to emulate for myself in my life, as I see and realize how I had created such a positive attitude out of getting all these products for us to consume and eat, which was to me like a synonym of love and care.

 

When and as I see myself seeing food in stock as a positive thing in my reality, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is only able to exist if we have enough money to do so, thus I support myself to make of such experience of being cared for not something bound to parents and money, but a living certainty, a living right that is able to be provided for all beings equally which is how and why in the equal money system, though parents receiving unconditional financial support, there will be more time to educate themselves to become parents and as such ensure that no emotional/ feeling bounds are created from the role that has been taken of the parents as ‘providers of life,’ but instead walk as equals with children only ensuring that proper nutrition, proper care and physical considerations are implemented in the living space, once that money is no longer a limitation for the being to have a dignified living, and how it is important to allow parents to see how a child is not a load to the parent, but only an extension of self that can be equally walked-with as the realization that we can support each other to Live instead of living to build each other’s ego and system-status as parents/ children in hierarchical levels.

 

I see and realize how money has determined my positive experience toward my parents – and my father specifically – in relation to being able to provide the necessary means and education for me to have a dignified living –whereas if I had not been supported with these things, I would have had a negative experience, which proves how money determines even our familial interactions and relationships as no being is currently an alien to how the world system works in terms of having money or not to live

 

I commit myself to establish the Equal Money System as a means to ensure that no being is bound to another through a monetary-binding force creating a dependence toward one another in a hierarchical mode – but instead, all beings being equally supported learn what it is that we can actually get to recognize and appreciate of one another out of the monetary loop, but instead consider how we can support each other to develop better ways to live and interact in a world wherein survival is no longer a “living-mode” but life and living is the point then explored, shaped and sculpted as we go learning how to be parents, children and inhabitants in the world where equality is the living principle, which in itself points out major shifts in how families currently exist and are bound as. Parents will become living examples of what we are here to be and do instead of becoming the bosses of children dictating their every word and every say through the imposition of authority as a relationship of need through and by money as it currently exists.

 

Support the Equal Money System as this is the only way that we will ensure each other are no longer subject to have a positive or negative life experience with regards to money, but money is instead a given-living-right, leaving enough time to focus on our living skills, communication abilities and the development of human expression as a means to ensure that no being is left behind in their ability to live and express in/ as their utmost potential, as this is what we see and realize is what’s best for all in Equality.

And Educate yourself at Desteni to understand how in an equal world, no parental figure will be able to continue passing on manipulation tactics and hierarchical roles onto children, as the only thing that will exist is equal consideration of one another in a world wherein the basic needs will be readily given, and what will be developed is the ability to interact, express and live as equals.

 

Read the blogs at Journey to Life 

 

 

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Blogs:

Interviews:

The Soul of Money – Money Consciousness – Part 29

 

This blog is a continuation from 

105. Having a Good Time is defined by MONEY


103. Being efficient out of Fear!

This is a continuation of the past post:

102: Communication Noise: Parental Communication

This is to see how an entire character was formed from participating in a positive polarity toward everything that I would do with my father, whereas I would judge as negative everything that I would do with my mother. Hence all attributes that I saw within my father in my mind became ‘the positive’ to experience whereas everything related to mother became ‘the negative’ that I had to ensure I would not become equal to, as that would mean being essentially ineffective to live in the system of money. Yes, sir, fear of survival as a childhood imprint in such a seemingly ‘innocent’ event such as going to the supermarket. 

Here I walk the memory of how I would generally experience myself throughout an entire event – going to the supermarket alone with my father – which I have stored as a positive experience due to the sense of ‘liberation’ that I would get from being able to do things ‘fast and accurate’ with my father, wherein the ‘slowness’ of my mother would not tamper our hyper-act of buying as if there was something/ someone chasing after us.

 

 

Self Forgiveness:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to say ‘yes’ to do something based on a memory of doing that something being generally fun and a time to spend with my father alone, which I had identified as a cool opportunity to do things fast which I have associated with something positive in my life

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am enjoying a moment with my father based on doing things that are generally things that we would not do if we were going out with my mother as well, which means that all my starting point of enjoying a moment with my father is based on doing everything that my mother would apparently not allow us to do such as speeding in the car.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that I had to be like my father in terms of being meticulous, accurate, disciplined and generally fast to do things, which is something that I have associated as a positive experience within me, which is linked to how this entire world system appreciates ‘speed’ as a general positive attribute due to how it contributes to earning the most in the least time possible, which I see then how I lived this when and while growing up/ going to school wherein all forms of discipline are essentially created in order to get used to a world system wherein time means money.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generally consider that I enjoyed being more with my father because we both agreed that my mother was rather slow and ‘inefficient’ according to our judgments, which is how we would team up in order to go to the supermarket and get things done as fast as possible, while the usual spoken backchat was in relation to how If we would have gone with my mother/his wife, we would have stayed there for hours instead, as way to exemplify how he was ‘more efficient’ than my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider my father’s routine as something positive, because through routines a form of trust is developed, wherein you believe that the person will always remain ‘safe in their bounds’ which is a positive attribute according to the system that is based on creating patterns in people to keep everyone safely entertained/ occupied within their own lives, not looking at reality and what is going on in the ‘greater picture.’

 

I realize that I had in essence been a fervent fan of all types of systematic indoctrination, just because I was brought up in a way wherein rules, regulations and terms became a focal aspect within me, wherein I cultivated a sense of ‘correctness’ as a form of proud, which I can see I copied and learned from my father – whereas my mother represented the ‘cheating’ aspect of the system, the ‘less rigid’ version of a human being in this world system.

 

Thus, through me establishing a positive experience toward my father or general inclination toward him, I aligned myself to the system as a ‘positive experience’ based on the ideals of efficiency and accuracy that I had defined him to be.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to agree to his suggestion on ‘me having to be/ become like him,’ implying that I had to avoid becoming like my mother representing the ‘negative aspect’ as the inefficiency/ inaccuracy within the system’s perspective which I then vowed to antagonize within the consideration that whatever was presented by and as the system’s rules and regulations was in fact ‘what’s best for me,’ hence developing a polarized association between my father and mother which lead me to an unequal relationship with them based on ‘who I wanted to be’ within the system, which at the time when I was a child was more associated with becoming someone successful and powerful within the financial world/ economics / banking skills as that’s what I was playing with as a child.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to get a positive experience out of the fear that I would usually experience with my father’s meticulous approach to everything he did, wherein I would essentially in my mind be fearful of fucking things up yet at the same time getting a positive experience out of it, which is what has been explained in Heaven’s Journey to Life  wherein we also get a positive experience out of fear.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to generate a relationship of fear toward beings that I perceived as being ‘more accurate’ than me in practical-physical points such as going to the supermarket in no time and getting everything done in a fast and accurate way, which I have associated with a positive experience, which is what I sought in a partner as well: to be like my father in terms of being meticulous, accurate, clean, precise and confident with a certain rush at all times to do everything, which is what manifested to the T with a long relationship that I had without every really seeing or realizing that I had in fact gotten so used to his character because it was in essence almost identical to my father’s character.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also experience fear whenever I was being told how to do things, fearing being fucking everything up which is how I experienced myself with my father when going to the supermarket and being told how to place things on the cart, how to go isle by isle looking for things, how to not stand as an obstacle in front of people, how to hurry yet not be clumsy when moving.

 

I realize that I in fact would experience such tension and fear that it became a positive experience for me, which is the reason why I would immediately decide to go with my father to the supermarket- same with friend/ partner going out with him wherever he had to go, because of enjoying that general constant tension of rushing and getting things done in ‘no time’ with them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to feel dumb when being told how to do things, which was part of me fearing becoming like my mother whom I had judged as clumsy, slow and ineffective without realizing that this is just a polarity manifestation that I created in order to have a constant point of friction as inclination and rejection toward my parents in means of just keeping a point of conflict in place within my life, to keep me in separation of my mother.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience toward my father talking to himself about the products that he had to get, which I found quite cool and generally ‘crazy’ for an adult his age, which would make me laugh and also see how he acted in a generally ‘odd manner’ that I found amusing, later on catching myself doing the same things and loading the entire super market character, just because of how I had identified this general rush in the supermarket as a positive experience.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a general positive experience to orderly and high speed buying of groceries, wherein I never questioned why we were rushing anyways if we were heading home, if rushing would in no way make any substantial difference to our day – but instead because of how I had walked the entire process of ‘rushing’ to go to the supermarket as a general ‘tonality’ for the experience, I never questioned it, and I simply rode the wave of tension, anxiety, and general fear at times when going out with my father, feeling slightly uncomfortable in fear of not doing something right or as accurate as he expected me to be and do – however I was willing to learn how to be like him at all times.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear doing things the wrong way as that would generate anger and frustration within him, which I would judge then as a negative experience that I had to avoid at all cost – thus I made sure that I remained ‘in line’ with everything he did and doing ‘my best’ to please him in my every move in coordination with him, when for example taking the products out of the trolley and organizing them according to the type of product they were on the band so that the cashier would have it easy to pass them through the scan/ registry machine – within this doing ‘my best’ out of fear essentially.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider it amicable and generally ‘nice’ to pick up a conversation with the cashier in order to apparently ‘smooth things out,’ which implies that I had associated that point as a counter act to what I would perceive as a tension point which is standing in the queue to pay and having to get everything in bags ready to go, which is obviously only a belief system that I created based on how I would observe my father going into a higher tension when having to pay and then getting everything ready to leave/ storm out the place.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create a positive experience out of going to the supermarket with my father based on the general conceptions and associations of speed, effectiveness and accuracy as something ‘positive’ in this world, which I then wanted to be a part of even if that involved having to go through tension, anxiety, fear and general stress/ tension that would be created within me throughout the supermarket experience with my father.

This allows me to see and confirm how I was in essence having a positive experience out of situations of self-abuse, as for me to exist in such stress, anxiety and fear, I had to consume my physicality to power such adrenaline which stems from fear – thus ‘going to the supermarket’ was like going on a rollercoaster ride.

 

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Self corrective Statements:

When and as I see myself automatically saying ‘Yes’ to someone in relation to going somewhere specific, I stop and I breathe – I allow myself to look again at the motivation for it and if I find a positive experience being created in my mind – such as the experience I would get when being asked to go to the supermarket with my father, I realize that such positive input for an activity is not here as self but based on memories –therefore I stop and allow myself to reconsider whether I actually want to participate or not in a particular event or activity.

 

When and as I see myself believing and perceiving that I am in fact having a ‘good time’ as a positive experience, I stop and I breathe- I realize that for example enjoyment had been a separate way in which I would perceive that I liked doing something with someone based on the premise of being opposing something/ someone that represented a limitation and a point of judgment within me –thus I realize how my life experience had been based upon me having a good time according to the past which is not me here in fact enjoying myself doing something – with or without someone – without it being an actual unconditional experience of myself in the moment.

 

When and as I see myself considering fast speed as something effective, accurate and positive within how to do/ conduct things in my reality – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have associated this according to how I was taught that being fast, accurate and doing things as quickly as possible represented an opportunity for me to excel and succeed in the system, wherein in a contraposition, being slow, inefficient, lazy and generally relaxed was something that I deemed as negative and associated to something that I should avoid mimicking in terms of the parental roles that each one of my parents played. Thus I realize that both polarities were created in my mind in order to have a point of preference and a point of friction in my reality, which indicates that non of them are real decisions lived in self-honesty but based on past memories and conditions applied to my every day living.

 

Thus I commit myself to establish new patterns within me and my every day living that are in fact based on a self-realization process of what is best for all and how I can practically and efficiently direct myself – this means that I no longer require to ‘load’ the idea of who I am in relation to father and mother as a positive and negative input according to how I structured myself as my memories, but instead allow me to build myself a platform of self support that stands in accordance to the consideration of breathing, walking moment by moment in specificity and self-discipline wherein I do not require to rush to get through things, nor do I get to the point of not moving at all, but create a point of consistency and stability with a practical living application day by day.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to ‘stick to my routine’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that the positive experience I identify myself with a routine that works is part of preserving the past as ‘who I am’ instead of simply realizing that I can direct myself in every moment effectively without requiring to hold a ‘routine’ as a creed that must be respected no matter what, which is what leads to being inflexible and rather constricted in our reality. Thus I allow myself to establish basic aspects that I can incorporate in my everyday living – such as responsibilities, practical tasks and moments of self enjoyment – wherein I allow myself to expand and explore ways in which I can direct my day to day living without making it my religion and creed to follow.

 

I realize that I can trust myself according to how I live my activities throughout the day and that according to how I go establishing myself as a the directive principle of every moment and every ‘task’ throughout my day, I can establish myself as my own point of self-trust that doesn’t require a immovable routine to do things, but instead become directive in every moment with its flexibility in order to not limit myself throughout the day.

 

When and as I see myself getting a positive experience out of ‘following rules’ and ‘sticking to the system’s principles’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is an experience acquired throughout childhood wherein all things that stick to the norm I regarded as positive and all things that went ‘out’ of the norm, I regarded as negative.

 

Thus I see and realize that I do not have to follow ‘the system’ as a positive experience, but instead realize the practical points that I require to do and direct in every moment, without creating a positive experience out of it, while fearing going into the absolute opposite which I would then fear ‘falling into,’ which is how being obedient, being complacent and ‘responsible’ toward the system was based on fear and never as an actual understanding of self-direction, as I feared being corruptive, lazy, slow and inefficient in everything I did, which is how then everything positive that I did had an underlying fear of going to the exact opposite as motivation factor.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to do something for the level of ‘precision’ they represent and me immediately ‘jumping onto it,’ I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am in fact making such decision based on actually fearing not being ‘fast enough’ or ‘accurate enough’ to continue and perpetuate such personality/ character as ‘the efficient one’ that was built and wrought when and as I would get along with my father, fearing ending up being the exact opposite as my mother which are the basic polarities that I struggled with throughout my life, going to the extremes because I had not established my own parameters to follow as self-direction for myself according to what I see is common sensical and what’s best for all.

 

When and as I see myself being deliberately meticulous and specific with something or someone – I stop and I breathe – I ensure that I am not acting from memories of the past wherein such dedication was charged with fear and as such becoming an eerily enjoyable experience based on the amount of fear and tension involved within me conducting myself in a particular task. Thus I direct myself to move myself according to how I am able to do things moment by moment without rushing, without being too slow, but moving at a physical pace as the physical breathing is the metronome that I direct myself to live as and by at all times.

 

When and as I see myself experiencing myself as inferior or dumb for being told how to do things, I stop and I breathe – I realize that this comes from the memory of having feared being wrong with my father specifically, doing things in a way that would disturb him. Thus I realize that I had in fact only based such inferiority upon the fear of being the opposite of effective such as inefficient, the opposite of fast and accurate as slow and clumsy – which are the polarities I established within myself in order to define what is positive and what is negative, identifying it with both my parents – thus I see and realize that any perceive ‘strength’ or ‘weakness’ must be in fact identified by self to see if it is an actual self-application in the moment or if it is being still conditioned by the past memories with parents wherein our participation between one or the other pole is related to fearing ending up as the negative aspect- hence building the entire positive personality as a way to ‘shove away’ everything that I deemed as negative.

 

When and as I see myself rushing when going to the supermarket I stop and I breathe – I realize that this is the application of an automated modality that I learned through the years of going with my father to the supermarket, which became an ingrained aspect of seeing the supermarket visit as this race that I had to conquer as fast as possible – thus, I allow myself to simply direct myself in every moment as breathe, wherein I do not rush or try to get out from there from the very moment I get in, in the first place. I allow myself to buy and go through the supermarket experience in self-awareness wherein I am here breath by breath – moment by moment doing what I require to do.

 

When and as I see myself fearing doing something wrong/ being clumsy/ being slow – I stop and I breathe, I realize that in essence I am acting from fearing embodying everything that I feared becoming like which is my mother as the counter act to the positive pole which was my father as the accurate, fast and efficient aspect that I wanted to be and become based on how these attributes are well paid/ well remunerated and usually leading to success in a world system of money, never really taking into consideration the amount of stress and apprehension that such pattern entails, due to us not living here as breath but skipping breaths to do everything as fast as possible. Thus I allow myself to see and realize how I am able to direct myself in every moment of breath, wherein I take into consideration the physical reality and the circumstance I am in at all times.

 

When and as I see myself wanting to strike a conversation with the cashiers at the supermarket, I stop and I breathe – I realize that I am able to talk to them as a point of expression in the moment, ensuring that what I am saying is not stemming from an actual desire to escape a moment of pressure or stress within me in the moment.

 

I realize that the desire to strike a conversation with the cashier stems from actually wanting to cover up what was a general moment of pressure and stress such as ‘going to the supermarket,’ which is how I would generally experience myself in every social interaction and situation ‘outside of the bubble of my home,’ wherein there were no moments of breathing and living physically, but learned how to fast pace reality and as such create this ideal of ‘who I had to be in everything I do’ as someone ‘fast/ accurate/ specific/ efficient’ all stemming from the fear of becoming the exact opposite as slow/ inaccurate/ clumsy and inefficient. Therefore I realize that it is within me and my responsibility to now direct myself in a way wherein I ensure that I am in fact supporting me to live moment by moment in consideration of the physical reality wherein I am no longer bound to memories in order to act and live.

 

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88. The Victim

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to become a victim of my own deeds, wherein I would suit the memory to my advantage so that I could remain in anger toward my parents for something that they had ‘apparently done onto me,’ – such as forgetting about me and me getting lost – without wanting to hear the fact that I had been the one that wanted to step out of the cart and drive it by myself.

 

Within this, I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life find ways to ensure that I could remain as the victim of a situation/ event wherein I could then have people having to ‘ask forgiveness’ to me, and me being the ‘offended one,’ as that would give me a sensation/ feeling and idea of power over them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use all means possible to convince my parents that ‘I can do this on my own’ and have various memories of how I would essentially get pissed off when they would do things for me and would not allow me to do it by myself, just because of how I wanted to ‘do things by myself, ‘ from the starting point of opposing my parents and creating any form of friction in the moment by just demanding them to leave ‘the thing alone’ and allow me to do it by myself.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘threaten’ with throwing a tantrum toward my parents so that they could allow me to do things that I noticed other kids were not doing, and in this wanting to be ‘special’ such as being a kid that enjoys pushing the cart instead of being inside the cart.

 

And it’s funny because a memory came up when I was in SA and we had the trolleys from the supermarket and I was pushing one and B said something like you look good pushing the trolley, lol which I associated in that moment with a sense of ‘independence’ and like ‘I’m on the wheel,’ which is fascinating that I only now get it – after such a long time, I had this memory so ingrained within me as the symbol of my ‘victory over parents’ = me pushing the trolley, which I activated as a sense of liberty/ freedom and superiority without even knowing how or why. Thus, it was not a random point but a single experience that I was having in that moment that I was pushing the trolley without even noticing as a character.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to link the experience of ‘pushing a trolley’ to ‘doing my will’ and being ‘free’ and ‘liberated’ from the parents that would always put me into the trolley and drive me around to wherever they wanted me to go with them, within this manifesting the entire experience of: I don’t want to be driven by my parents, I don’t want to comply to what they say, I want to do things ‘my way.’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop a relationship of self-righteousness toward my parents, wherein I began doing everything to the opposite of what I knew they wanted me to be and do. This includes, for example, forcing myself to go to school when I was sick, just because my mother would insist that I shouldn’t go – and within this believe that I in fact didn’t want to miss a single day in school, but the fact is that I wanted to simply prove myself to her as wanting to do everything opposite to what she would suggest.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become the character that would deliberately cause friction in another for the sake of feeling good about myself, just because of how I would experience the relationship with my mother as that of ultimate control and imposition, which I essentially rebelled to throughout my life.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the victimization of ‘why didn’t you tell me’ when I got lost in that amusement park and get angry at my parents because ‘they were supposed to take care of me’ – and in that, believing that ‘they didn’t want me because they had allowed me to get lost,’ which is how I began building the ‘They don’t like me in my family’ syndrome, which I then embodied fully as ‘the alien’ at home, the black sheep, without realizing what series of events were affecting my every move and decision based on memories toward my mother/ parents in general.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to go into the experience of spitefulness toward my parents the moment that they found me after being lost, wherein I accessed anger because of thinking and believing that it had been ‘their fault’ that I had gotten lost – however, the actual reality is that I had decided to do it by myself and I cannot even remember if I did it on purpose when realizing that they had forgotten about me, which sounds ‘familiar’ as to how I would then deliberately go to the extreme of something just out of spitefulness, without ever really wanting to hear and realize that: I had done it all by myself, by my ‘own will’ to do things ‘my way,’ based on throwing tantrums, which means that my entire interaction was base on opposition toward ‘the authority’ as parents.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to use the phrase ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ charged with rage and absolute spitefulness and anger based on this event wherein I had believed that my parents – and subsequently every time that I would not be let known of some event/ point and missing out – believe that I was being deliberately ‘not invited/ excluded,’ which I associated then to being simply rejected/ uninvited/ excluded and within that, think/ believe/ perceive that there was something ‘wrong’ with me and talking myself into thoughts like ‘my parents don’t love and no one likes me’ as a form of self-victimization, which I use to then create an entire personality that could ‘overcome’ this initial experience toward my parents and sisters, as to ‘prove’ that ‘I don’t need to belong/ I don’t need your appreciation,’ when in fact I was actually really desiring to ‘belong’ and be a part of the entire usual family scheme – which is how self-victimization becomes a key point to build ourselves as the ‘antagonist’ at home, based on self-beliefs and ideas of ‘how others see us,’ which is and has Never been about ‘them’ but about ourselves at all times

 

I realize that everything that I did and all the choices I apparently conducted was based within this starting point of wanting to oppose that which I perceived as ‘authority’ which was – as primary point – my mother, and in that building an entire relationship of opposition toward her particular personality, so that I could ensure that ‘I was not controlled by her,’ as I thought my sisters were.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger toward my father based on how he would usually be the ‘angry one,’ and when finding an opportunity for him to be in the position of ‘having fucked things up,’ I would use his stance of shame, regret and remorse in order to fuel my anger, to throw a tantrum and deliberately wanting to make him feel even worse than what I could spot he’d be experiencing in that moment when apologizing for something he had done.

 

Within this, I realize how I would use this same application whenever someone would be in the position of ‘having done something onto me’ and showing the same signs such as asking forgiveness, feeling ashamed, remorseful toward me wherein I would use such situation to blow things out of proportion just because of knowing that every word movement would make them feel even worse, and within me seeing them getting affected by the words that I could use to recriminate the point even further, I would get a sense of power as a revenge to a previously perceived relationship of ‘power’ of the other toward me. Thus, utilizing conflict as a way to ‘take revenge’ from the past times wherein I felt like the one that had to apologize, ask for forgiveness for having done something wrong and as such, develop power games with my father as a way to feel like ‘I had the right to be pissed off at him,’ later on copying this mechanism to relationships wherein I would also deliberately want the other to ‘feel like shit for what they’ve done,’ and knowing that they would then have to ‘make it up for me,’ in one way or another.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, deliberately instigate further shame, guilt and remorse in another in a situation wherein it is believed that ‘they have done something onto me,’ wherein I then feel with the ‘absolute right to throw tantrums at them’ as a way to complain about ‘being wronged,’ without realizing that all that I was doing is experiencing a sense of pleasure and satisfaction from scolding and yelling at someone, seeing them having no ability to defend themselves – which is a rather sadomasochistic mechanism of relating to others as then this would lead to point of reconciliation and in that, become and actual way to build up anger, irritation and then have a reconciliation in ways wherein all the accumulated negative energy as anger, irritation, frustration would be ‘soothed out’ either through something sweet & buying something by my father – and within sex in relationships with human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to realize what I was doing when ‘putting more wood on the fire’ when I was confronting another in a situation wherein I apparently ‘had the right’ to point out ‘their shit’ – whether I was the ‘wronged one’ or not – just because of enjoying them to feel like shit, secretly enjoying seeing them realizing that they had done something wrong/ that they had fucked it all up, so that I could then remain in a stance of being apparently this immaculate benevolent being that is always doing everything ‘right’ and they were the only ones that could fuck it up. Never really wanting to accept how I would use this to further keep them bound by my side, as to being the ‘benevolent being’ that is willing to ‘forgive them’ and keep by their side, without realizing that I knew to what extent I would use this as a mechanism for my own positive experience as the power I had to make others feel bad and remorseful, ashamed and guilty for something they had said and done.

 

Within this, becoming like a mother that is able to point out the shit onto the son and as such, bind myself to relationships wherein I would become like the nagging mother that would point out shit in another, scold them and as such feel like I had the ‘control’ of the situation, without realizing that all of this would come from an actual experience of inferiority toward others, toward ‘them’ in the relationship, which is how we as women have taken the ‘superiority’ position not from an actual realization of equality and oneness with males, but as an outflow of having been the ‘oppressed ones’ throughout history.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn deceptive ways to get what I wanted as in being polite and well-mannered instead of throwing tantrums as ‘the way’ to get what I wanted. This proves that even if I didn’t precisely cry to get what I wanted, I learned the ‘adult ways’ of doing so, which is asking for it in a persuasive manner in a way that I could ensure I can ‘touch my parents hearts’ using the tactic of: If I don’t get it , I’ll be very sad/ If I don’t got and study this, I will regret it for the rest of my life / there is nothing else that I want the most in my life’ which I knew that would ‘move them’ sufficiently to consider that if they simply would say ‘no’ = guilt and remorse would haunt them, thus they would comply as a way to also remunerate me/ as a reward for the ‘who I was’ in school.

 

Thus I see and realize that I learned to play the system’s way of getting what I wanted by pleasing parents/ teachers / the system and as such, only living to satisfy my needs and desires without really taking into consideration reality, because I simply accepted this to be ‘my life,’ living to get things, to achieve, to obtain something that I could call ‘my own’ as my point of satisfaction.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to deliberately make it a habit to ask my parents ‘where had they gone to?’ and if I could find a way to make them feel sorry for not having let me know, they would usually give something to me in order to make it as if they had bought for me, which is what I defined as the ‘consolation prize,’ as a way to through instilling the sense of victimization toward a certain event in my world with my parents, they would usually comply to buy something to me in exchange to me going somewhere and usually complying to these type of transactions wherein there was no unconditional self-movement, but it was all based on wanting to ‘soothe’ my inner experience or ‘make up for’ something in separation of myself.

 

I realize that whenever I was showing a ‘depressed state’ toward my parents/ family, I was in fact only seeking to get ‘something’ in exchange to make myself feel better, which is how I did use depression as a way to manipulate people in my environment, to take me out, to give me money to buy things that I could use to ‘make me happy’ for a fleeting moment and that was it, which is how depression came to be/ become another way of a ‘silent tantrum,’ wherein I would deliberately show myself as being ‘depressed’ so that I could get more books, more cd’s and more stuff that I used to reinforce the same pattern again and again.

 

I realize that the ‘Victim’ is a way to remain triumphant in my mind in relation to how I would use this character to get what  I wanted – the Victory I am base on a deliberate self-diminishment that could be spotted by others to then ‘give us a hand’ as a form of self manipulation which is unacceptable.

 

So, this is a point that I see is prominent within the ‘who we are’ as ‘adults’ and as we come of age wherein we believe that we are, for example, depressive – when it is in fact just another way to yell out ‘help me!’ in a silent manner – or how we use the parent/ child relationship to only satisfy our desires which are usually linked to buying/ consuming something as a positive experience obtained from a negative input. Nothing else but energetic games that must be stopped within ourselves – one by one – as these seemingly ‘unimportant’ events have defined who and what we are in such specificity that we cannot even remember why we are in such a way, when all the keys are still here as ourselves, as these are survival mechanisms of the mind itself to ensure that we would remain busy/occupied evolving our characters and personalities, and as such never even have the least consideration to start looking at this world and reality beyond our character eyes.

To be continued…

 

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Life Review – The Victim of Judgment

Day 25: Existential Woes

Since yesterday that I read Heaven’s Journey to Life blog, Consumerism Starts in the Womb of the Mother: DAY 23 I got quite a reaction coming up from the realization of the birthing process and how it actually takes place in such a way that it is like a recreation of that very initial moment of separation from the whole, that initial division that had a negative energy in it as a result of such conflict/friction that ensued separation. This point clicked within me as a piece in the puzzle that I had been missing out through my life as the experience that I would constantly have with no apparent reason for it at all.

As I’ve shared before, I had a very ‘normal life,’ I was and have been supported, got education and ‘great opportunities’ that have lead me to live a relatively stable and comfortable life. However, I always had this nagging experience that I could only call an ‘existential woe’ and I remember reading Sartre and somehow identifying myself with that, the same with Camus and other people that are now simply seen for what they are as ‘existentialists’ – that was a first approach. However I continued to search for more, to give a ‘name’ to this existential woe. I simply accepted such experience as a kind of  slight chronic depressive tendencies without any reason to have them. I even accepted the fact that maybe it had to do with being a more ‘sensitive person,’ but the reality is that I now understand a lot more about who we are/ our creation in a way that we all have now as a once in an existential lifetime opportunity.

 

I had shared since the beginning of this process why everything that I would depict in art was always this state of worry/ woe/ anguish/ concern, and I found it very very difficult to do anything else but depict such state of being that I could only pin point as a rather ‘deep’ experience within me that I wasn’t fully aware of. Yet it was Here, always here. And I even thought that it had to do with some fucked up chain karma of past lives or having had birth-suffering because of having my umbilical cord around my neck for quite some time. It is fascinating – to say the least – what I’m realizing within these blogs and overall with the interviews that are being released. Now I’m able to understand what I had never ever been able to place into words, never being able to grasp it, yet it was certainly an experience that had no reason to be other than just being ‘here’ as myself. I could be making a big assumption in terms of me expressing that point of separation and ‘existential woe’ through the pictures and scenes that I would draw/paint, but at least, such expressions now make more sense in terms of how such anguish and constant ‘down’ experience is what we all human beings exist as that very first energetic surge from that primordial friction/ conflict that caused the separation of the whole generating  a negative experience.

 

So, because none of us can fully remember or even explain/ give a name to these inherent experiences of absolute negativity toward ourselves and everyone else, it makes complete sense how this that I had experienced in what I would call ‘irrational manner’ toward people in my world.

Because of reading these blogs, all of the self-destructive patterns and behaviors we have lived out somehow make sense now. This is not within the context of it being something beneficial for all, no. It is about being able to understand A LOT more about ourselves as mind consciousness systems and why even after these 4 years of walking/reading the Desteni material, I only thought that such constant experience of negativity toward myself/ the world in general was merely ‘preprogrammed’ which is not, it is really the experience of separation as the cross we bear in fact.

 

Now, why this is such an important point to walk from what I have realized/ understood through my own experience, is because each one of us is essentially walking their own points of separation to reintegrate/ get ourselves back to the point that we have only separated ourselves from as relationships/ experiences, in a very absurd manner  -and by absurd I mean that we missed Ourselves as Life all the time, as simple as that. I also realize there are no If’s and that I could write a Looong blog about the reactions of ‘what ifs’ -however, what’s relevant here is walking my own mind of self-separation as I see and realize that it is the only way that I can really live that which is required for us to be/ do when realizing to what extent we had become these absolutely lost drones with no ability to remember that we once were all.

 

Why is this a very cool point? Because now I see how there is an actual ‘reason’ for such existential experience within each one of us, and now we can see that we missed the very obvious: Together we thrive and separated we fear and destroy each other.

One example is no matter how many millions you have, as long as we are still existing in separation. Makes sense why even during the first years throughout childhood there is conflict between children, conflict between children and parents, conflict from the very process of gestation within the womb. And yes, somehow it also makes sense why it was so difficult for me to see anything ‘holy’ and ‘graceful’ about childbirth.

 

I breathe and let go of this as I see that sometimes it is easy to reinforce the points of separation, instead of actually walking it through a writing of Self-Support wherein I make sure I honor myself as words, as the creation of the word as who I am. What does that mean? That all words that reinforce separation, must be walked through a process of self-correction and in that, I see that the usual ‘fear’ that exists is having to let go of our specialness within the use of words, the ‘who we are as words’ that encapsulate the entirety of ‘who we are’ in these great bubbles of ego that eventually only work as hard and soft veneers to keep ourselves ‘stable’ in this self-created world of Machiavellis  wherein we are all constantly existing in fear and experiencing this irrational hatred toward one another. I had a hard time playing nice in my life – yet I knew the system-value such attitudes had in terms of being able to use it to manipulate for my own benefit. And I would usually experience discomfort and judgment toward having to cheat or be corrupt, never realizing that we were the very instigators of such inner conflict that has become our reality till this day.

 

There is certainly a lot more to understand  – however I can see for now that I can make more sense of myself now, which I am grateful for, because even after having had extensive information, there was always this ‘point’ wherein I could not really understand Why we hated each other, because that’s the truth and there will be specific interviews to come that will explain why no two beings could stand in actual equality and oneness, which doesn’t surprise me. Sometimes I just have to take a deep breath to realize that I am here, I am the result of all of ‘that’ and I have the tools and essentially it’s up to me now to turn off the lights.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever seek a life-experience meaning to my ‘existential woe’ which now makes sense as the actual process of separation from who I am wherein the ‘who I am‘ emerged from that primordial separation from the whole wherein we lost all sense of recognition of who I am as one and equal and in that, accepted my self-definition as a negative-experience within this individualization as a process of ‘losing my religion,’ as in losing that unification wherein everything was just here, as self, stable as self, constant and consistent, which is what my physical body is actually the living-existence of that, I can trust my physical body and everything that I cause as a disruption exists as energy, as thoughts, as emotions, feelings, perceptions, ideas, that emerge from my participation and continuation in that initial negative experience from the moment of first-separation.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience this seemingly unexplainable hatred toward everything and everyone as an experience wherein I thought that there was something ‘wrong’ with me, going into judgment and trying to tamper it with playing the nice well-behaved little girl, even if it was obvious that from that very first ‘system’ day as the first day of school, I created this profiling of my classmates as people that I could either like or dislike, without having an particular reason that I could explain at the moment, as to ‘why I could dislike someone,’

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with laughter, woe and general ‘powerlessness’ when realizing to what extent I have been unaware of myself, not only about the ‘who I am’ as one and equal, but within the realization of how separate we are from our very own physical body,because we cannot even know exactly how our body functions until now that we are having these great explanations of who we really are. I can certainly say that to me being able to hear this now is like ‘manna from heaven’ because I am sure that I’ve spent endless lifetimes longing to hear form it. Sometimes it became such a ‘normal’ thing to be living with a portal and talking to various beings that it really became a ‘normal thing’ – however this is an existential process and we’re at ‘the point’ wherein we are ‘on the spot’ so to speak to be able to get it, and the fact that it depends entirely on us reminds me the type of responsibility that this process implies within each one of us, human beings.

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react in such an initial fear of fucking it up again and having to simply end it all even after realizing that this world is already quite stable, that this Earth could require some changes and it could be heaven on Earth – yet because of perceiving it to be an insurmountable task I have believed that it will be ‘very difficult’ for us to do this, yet this is only a the very back of my head/ back chat because in a conscious manner as a ‘positive thinker’ that I tend to be is: ‘oh yeah we’ll do it’ – but ultimately it’s not about thinking it, but living it. Therefore

 

When and as I see myself believing ‘oh yeah, we’ll make it, we can’t go wrong this time/ there’s no way we won’t make it now’ and having a positive thinking while listening to the potential outcomes explained in the interviews while and during the moments when worst case scenarios are being explained – I stop and I breathe – I realize that I have become this ‘fighter’ that feels like part of a military that must keep a certain ‘hold’ all the time wherein the image of someone with a shield in a battlefield becomes a recurrent image within me, and I see that I created this ‘warrior’ experiences when delving into ideas of being some kind of life-defender according to some of the multiple and varied material I read about spirituality/ new age movements that I researched for a while.

 

Therefore, I realize that the decision to walk this process is a self-willed decision that I in fact took on for myself, for the very first time in my life or even existence wherein I realize that there is nothing to ‘defend’ or ‘battle against,’/ overcome, but instead is simply a process of reintegrating myself back to who I am wherein I walk my own mind to get out of such ever-lasting character and start actually living as the physical, as the reality of who I am.

 

I realize that any usual though in the back of my head of this all being ‘impossible’ as a result of having cultivated a constant view upon humanity as being ‘royally fucked’ and in that, validating my thoughts as ‘real’ without ever knowing that it was this very experience that I had that I become so used to exist-as ‘me’ as such constant judgment toward everything and everyone – which is only self-created wherein I helped co-create this world in the image and likeness of separation.

 

I was walking and it is fascinating how much we can make our home gates seem perfectly ‘normal’ and even beautify them with all of this useless ornaments, without realizing that the very existence of such gates like family-cells in each and every single house, indicates the fortresses that we have built out of realizing the potential ‘danger’ that we represent to each other. This is absolutely ludicrous, however it’s our reality, it’s what we have become: warded beings in our little fortresses fearing each other, entertaining ourselves to not realize the extent of separation that we’re living in, consuming our physical bodies while constantly thinking and thinking and thinking and going into endless self-talks that never lead anywhere else, but into further confusion – con. fusion= perfect soup for the mind to generate extra energy to keep the god system alive.

 

It also became very obvious for me today how I was definitely in a state of physical woe while listening the latest Atlantean interview, which is curiously called now that I see ‘Caged in Powerlessness’  because the entire point of obvious acceptance of separation is explained and in that, there is no space left to deny that we weren’t ‘aware’ of it. When hearing the result of how a single belief within the Atlanteans or what a single surge of excitement caused in Anu to ‘overlook’ within his creative processes wherein such fuck-ups manifested the consequences that we are living now: a single belief, a single surge of excitement – one single point missed  and the entirety of existence went along with it, and the fact is that I can see myself in both patterns, specially with the excitement one, wherein I could have definitely pictured myself becoming greatly excited about anything such as a great discovery in existence and disregard any point of practicality in the moment, just because of how nice it sounded/ was

 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience regret, woe and a general sense of powerlessness while listening to the explanations of how we got ourselves in the state that we are living in as existence. I realize that this experience is coming from me thinking about what I have accepted and allowed within myself to be and become in absolute disregard of myself, my own creation, my physical body that I’ve applied some points of self forgiveness for, but I had not gone into the topic of the absolute acceptance that we went into within becoming just individuals defined by energetic experiences. Energy is a diminished and controllable form of substance in existence – and the fact that we’re not even aware of our own mind as energy, places us really at the ‘scum level’ figuratively speaking, because the scum of the Earth is definitely fully aware of itself, while us humans aren’t –

 

So, really – the only way that I can accept myself to continue living in this world after all the damage we’ve done is to stop all victimization –first place at an individual level – and secondly, realize that we were never here to become ‘masters’ in reality – we are here to restore the order and become the real guardians of the Earth along with all the Earthlings – no more power games or desires to ‘attain’ the non existent heavens or gods – we are here, we walk the consequences, we take Self Responsibility until it is done. And as we’ve said many times, the only way I can see myself walking this is obviously within being part of a group of people, that I see are walking the exact same process as I am, along with the entirety of existence that is equally here. That means that I walk this once in a lifetime opportunity – or once in an existential lifetime – to finally stop all cycles of abuse as the actual infinity loop that I describe when I write ‘cycles’ as it goes from pole to pole, just like cathode and anode to create energy.

 

I commit myself to stop any and all forms of energetic surges through writing, applying self forgiveness and structuring a practical point of support for me to be able to realize my creation as my point of separation and being able to reintegrate it as myself once that I’ve walked through the process of identifying, correcting, living self forgiveness to stop participating actively in recreating these same primordial separation from the whole every time that I go into any form of positive, negative or neutral experience as ‘who I am’ – I instead becomes the point that walks the necessary process to stop.

” I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see/realise/understand how my development/growth/manifestation of/as my physical-body within and as the womb of/as the female’s physical-body – is the manifested-representation, equal-to and one-with what I have become/done since the beginning in my relationship as manifested-singularity to/towards the whole/existence as me. Where: the female’s physical-body womb = is equal-to and one-with the womb of/as existence/the whole. Where: my physical-body development/growth/manifestation is dependent on a constant/continuous process of/as friction/conflict to/towards the very womb of/as the physical-body of the female = equal-to and one-with my manifested-singularity development/growth/manifestation that was/always has been dependent on the constant/continuous process of/as friction/conflict to/towards the whole/existence.” Sunette Destonian Spies

 

Learn how to coexist with others as equals, walk with us!

Quote by Bernard Poolman from the awesome blog

Day 24: MY MIND IS BLOWING UP!

 

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2012 Self Acceptance

 

We have defined ‘being accepted’ as fitting into the cookie-cutter role-models that we have been taught will lead us to that state of ‘satisfaction/ happiness/ fulfillment,’ wherein we would finally be able to be at ease with ourselves. Being accepted ‘by others’ has become the way for us to usually define self-acceptance – yet it doesn’t have anything to do with how we look, how much money we have, how others see us or even who we are in relation to others.

 

In the beginning was: Separation

It is as if the starting point for us in this world is lacking any form of ‘completion’ as the realization that who we really are is one and equal. Because this is not even considered as one of the basic platforms upon which all education should be placed, we are instead ‘trained’ and inserted within the world that we identify more with a race track than an actual living-ground, only to someday – maybe – get to the finish line wherein all the ‘glory of the world’ will rain down for us.

The starting point for every single human being at the moment is having to manage to ‘get to point A to point B’ wherein for some this implies managing to survive from one day to the other with proper living conditions such as food, water, shelter, clothing – some don’t even get that and some others could afford getting 10000 times that.

This is the world that we live in and within this, self acceptance is conditioned as part of the system wherein all attributes/ additives/ toppings that we use to build-up ‘who we are’ as our personality and ego, will play a definitive role in how we perceive ourselves, how we judge ourselves which eventually become our own projected judgments as ‘how we think others see us’ – which is something like agreeing to play in our own ‘wall street’ roulette as individuals in society, wherein our value will go up or down according to the amount of shareholders we’re able to ‘trap’ with our presentation, our personality, our ‘traits’ and within that, how much of that we eventually become as ‘who we are,’ forgetting any common sense realization of the very basics that stand here as the physical body that we all reading this are existing as.

 

How I walked this initial perspective of ‘self acceptance’ was through looking for relationships, which is mostly propagated and constantly ignited by the media and society, our family and immediate circle of interaction. We learn how we are only ‘someone’ if you engage in a relationship with another human being, which is masking the entire impulse for sex as the usual ‘rite’ to be an active member of society, to be a part of the hype of the world without ever, ever questioning WHY this is so until now.  This is how we then get trapped into the quest to reach such  fulfilled/ happy and apparently satisfied self-experience because of having someone that would approve of ourselves as ‘human beings,’ to eventually quench this thirst that we call ‘living’ as a bundle of experiences = this is NOT what life is.

 

From this, we can see how we have never even known what ‘Self Acceptance’ is, simply because the common place to go to when looking at these words implies not having been living from the starting point of what should have been an inherent part of our education/ upbringing, as the identification/ recognition of who and what we really are as LIFE, as One and Equal. The fact that we have to talk about the very basics of understanding who and what we really are and getting to the point of Self Acceptance as Life, as our physical body here, implies that we have been living in absolute separation from Reality, creating an IDEA of ‘who we are’ which is limited to a certain personality/ego that we ‘wear’ as who we are in order to continue playing the game of seeking this acceptance outside of ourselves – or its reversal/ polarity effect of ‘rejection’ which works in the same way and requires the same effort to ‘keep up’ such stance.

 

There is ‘something missing’

We all have experienced this in one way or another in our lives, we seek all forms of distractions as relationships, friends, drugs, books, music, seeking role models that could embody the idea that we then believe is what ‘being comfortable in your own skin’ would be like, taking only the ‘image value’ that we can get through how we see others, how we believe it is that they are – without ever in fact getting to know what is going on inside such human beings.

We then consume the image-value of what being accepted ‘must be like’ – In my case I associated this mostly with women in your regular alternative music and rock scene from the 90’s wherein I saw the type of strength that I would like to embody, simply because of having been ‘teased’ for being ‘too vulnerable’ as a child – hence we can know that whatever comes as a point of acceptance through wanting to cover up for the a previous accepted and allowed idea of self, is just another ‘suitable character’ as a façade – or even defense mechanism – that can only last for as long as the energy toward it is there.

 

Pseudo-Acceptance

Everything that we ‘become’ as an ego/ personality requires constant food to maintain – just like any other mind-possession that can only last for as long as we continue thinking  – lol, common sense but! it still happens that we don’t even realize the very basics of our self-torturing applications of continuing thinking and feeding all the experiences. Thus the same goes with this pseudo self-acceptance that I experienced wherein I felt more ‘powerful’ for a while while having just covered up with black the previous idea of myself as being ‘easily hurt’ or ‘easily fooled’ – too gullible so to speak. Within this I can see how it was only a temporary mind-job to fix myself for a while until I realized that I had created myself in such a way only to gain a false-sense of strength based solely in an image, which is how I then got to be accepted by others,  having a ‘place in the world’ built around a comfortable spot that I created as a point of contrast to what I would see in my reality.

 

This began within being in a family with other three women – mother and two sisters – wherein I simply vowed to myself not to become like them, which implied avoiding embodying the idea of being what I have judged as ‘social butterflies’ as having this natural ability to be charismatic and liked by people. Within becoming aware of myself as the physical image I see in the mirror, I started developing judgments and comparison toward them which lead me to feel like the odd-part of the entire family, and specifically of the ‘trio’ that we were as sisters.

The moment that I saw myself as unfit to ‘be like them’ and walk the same steps – as well as not wanting to be in the same type of ‘lifestyle’ they were into – I began reinforcing the construction of this safe-boat as the ‘alternative’ one wherein I ensured I had no competition, wherein I didn’t have to create an entire ‘struggle’ within myself in order to keep up with any form of expectations from others/ family/ society according to ‘who I had to be’ as part of my family. I can see now how it is a form of bailing myself out of the unspoken competition through shifting the paradigm of who I was supposed to be, and in that, ensure that no matter what, I’ll have a ‘different spot’ and regard for daring to ‘be different.’ I took this as some form of pride now that I see it, wherein I would then believe myself to be superior to them for having opted a ‘different lifestyle,’ for having dared to leave home to study abroad and other various things that I have defined myself as.

 

Thus, I placed all my effort to create myself as the opposite/ alternative one and in that, I created a form of comfort. I even got to desire being a boy at times, just so that I would not have to deal with the ideal of what I deemed as ‘girly’ type of personality that I judged my sisters for, wherein all the points of self-judgment would form this apparent impediment for me to not be able to stand simply equal and one as myself, but instead ‘opted myself out’ out of such form of unspoken competition by transforming myself into something else. I would then dress with baggy clothes that could resemble an idea of myself as a non-conventional woman at least. 

 

It’s interesting now that I look back at it, I deemed as ‘more valuable’ to be accepted/ liked by others even if not embodying the usual categories of people that would be accepted/ liked by others with particular image-presentations that I had used as a reference point to contrast myself to = becoming the other side of the same coin. We can only take pride on something that we have deliberately created in order to uplift ourselves from a starting point of perceiving ourselves as ‘less than’/ inferior to from the get-go, and in that such ‘superiority’ I developed as judgment in my mind became part of the usual stand toward family and the world in general, thinking that ‘I was right and everyone else is wrong’ which I have also discussed in previous blogs. This is then the entire set up  for that pseudo-acceptance through using personalities to cover up the actual fears and competition games I denied being a part of.

 

So, this became a point of ‘satisfaction’ because of achieving my goal of ‘not being ordinary,’ without ever realizing I was playing the exact same game, yet having killed all possible opponents by default. That’s also probably the reason why I mostly had male friends, so that I wouldn’t have to ‘deal’ with comparing myself to other females – aside from the early teen experiences when I was briefly part of the ‘popular girls’ which seemed too fake for me to deal with, yet I would still see myself as the ‘odd one’ in the picture, literally, which is when I stepped off the bandwagon and created ‘my own way.’

 

A safe spot for Self-Acceptance: get rid of competition

So, that’s how I became ‘me’ and stopped having to deal with any form of perceived rejection from the type of girls that would be in my school at the time, also because I would not agree or even enjoyed everything they wanted to be/ do like flirting, clubbing and the whole lot of things that I simply couldn’t force myself to do just to remain in that circle. So in that, I didn’t ‘bother’ with wanting to be accepted any longer and became a different character so that I would not have to try and fit in.

That’s when I stopped going out with them altogether and resorted into my own world of music, painting, reading and writing some existential woes out alone. Not that I see either point as ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ just looking at how I withdrew from such relationships from the definitive starting point of existing within/ as that particular judgment. I guess I ‘didn’t know better’ because of that school being mostly designed to create a particular type of people that I already knew I didn’t want to become – which is your regular capitalist/ leader type of mentality, the ‘winner’ all the way; in a way I wanted to remain as condescending as possible to all that could not fit into that idea, hence becoming the ‘outcast’ myself.

I must recognize that even the choice of career shifted in that point wherein before – around the age of 14 I wanted to be come a financial adviser/ economist or any other career that would ensure I could earn a good amount of money. The moment I created the shift I’ve described thus far, I went for a more ‘bohemian’ type of ideal lifestyle wherein my dreams would still be that of wanting to be recognized/ famous yet from a completely different perspective. 

 

Seeking similar-ties to be ‘accepted’

Eventually the way to accept myself within such a self created character wherein my self-esteem was already diminished and existing within a starting point of seeing myself as ‘inferior’ to the rest of the world, I eventually got to create friendships and relationships that were equally ‘low self-esteemed,’ people that would also appear as if ‘everything is fine’ and appear mostly ‘confident’ within themselves, while in fact inside we were all just quite a bit of a wreck at the time.  When getting into these friendships/ relationships I thought I had found ‘my place in the world’ within the labeled ‘outcasts/ rebels’ in my reality. I guess I was willing to live like that for the rest of my life.

Through this time, I would simply accept that I had ‘low self esteem’ and in that, got along with people that could complain openly about their physical body not being fit – me saying ‘it’s fine’ – yet never daring to open up my own secretive struggle with it as well. So, the point is not to say ‘it’s fine’ or being condescending about any form or image, but getting to the point of seeing where and how we have created such an idea of ourselves – based on who/what, seeing where such values exist.

That was my ‘escaping’ point so to speak, wherein once that we see ourselves/ step ‘out of the game,’ the only thing that’s left seems to take ourselves to the extreme of such self-accepted ‘disqualification.’
Self-Acceptance as the actual physical-equalization never really crossed my mind at that stage, because of the extent that I had neglected my physical body as something I could get to appreciate.

I eventually discovered the fuel that the entire relationship entailed in order to be accepted by others. I realized that I didn’t want to be ‘liked’ for having particular looks and resorted to ‘my own style’ wherein I made sure that anyone that would be ‘interested’ in me, would not see only the image of myself, but would like me for ‘what I am’ which was what I deemed was ‘the real me’ as my mind/ ego/ personality that I had created with such detail and attention.  Fascinatingly, it was doing the exact same thing that I had judged about others in terms of building a particular self-image in order to enter the market, so to speak.

In that, I used myself as a point to ‘catch’ a particular type of people like friends/ relationships and: it worked – it’s not that difficult for us to see how the system works and how to get what we want we have to become it and like-attracts-like, which  is definitely how we work/ function at a mind level. In all of this, where was myself as that point of self-acceptance as my physical body? Nowhere to be found.

 

I lived the ‘accepted by others’ type of acceptance which eventually lead me to live in perpetual fear out of losing such people in my world, because of the idea of myself that I have built of myself toward them as that constant ‘fix’ to keep me ‘uplifted.’ This fear became unbearable at some point,  I would definitely get possessed/ obsessed at an emotional level because I had not actually learned how to accept myself, be with myself, enjoy myself, alone – and for that, the last stages of that crumbling idea of myself came to a final point once I got myself into Desteni and had specific feedback of how I had belittled myself in the following words: 

¨Participating in thoughts, anxiety and fear towards others ‘affairs’ – meaning making your concern about others towards you your own – always worried about ‘your place/position’ within other’s world – fighting to maintain a ‘place’ or ‘position’ in others’ world instead of being comfortable with just you here, alone within your world of you.

So – stop fighting inside yourself, being worried about what others ‘think’ of you and whether you still have a ‘place’ / ‘position’ in others’ lives from the perspective of them still ‘accepting you’, still ‘needing’ you and still ‘wanting’ you.

When are you going to start accepting you, being comfortable with you within and as you – instead of chasing after others, always existing in worry and concern of whether you still ‘fit into’ other’s lives?

Fear of being independent Marlen, fear of being comfortable with you, accepting you – still needing others to accept you, instead of you being acceptance for yourself.

                                                                                                                           – Sarah”

 

This is a cool moment to share this as it’s been quite a walk after almost 4 years of this message being like a ‘bucket of cold water’ to wake up from my constant worry about this point toward people in my world in that moment. That’s when I decided step out of such relationships and began walking the process of ‘self acceptance’ wherein I experienced the ‘withdrawal symptoms’ from not getting such a ‘fix’ from such relationships, simply because they had become everything in ‘my world.’  That’s been ‘the’ point within my process wherein I neglected myself to the extent of not being able to see beyond this relationship, hence fearing the person that I was in a relationship with  would find someone/ anyone else wherein I would see myself as not ‘fit enough.’

That’s how I existed in terms of depositing any form of self-acceptance only through the eyes of another, according to ‘who I was’ in their world.  Ending that particular relationship was the way to ‘get back to myself’ at the beginning of the process – and the rest is history.

 

Walking Self Acceptance

I began applying myself in the process of standing one and equal as my physical body wherein I became aware about the secretive constant strive I would experience in relation to the judgments that I held about myself. I simply had to face this full on at some point in my process while having to openly burst out and accept the fact that I had been judging myself extensively and not really standing as one and equal as my human physical body.

That’s when I realized that I have to first accept myself as my physical body to get to that point of equalization required for any living being to be able to stand within the ‘greater picture’ as a self-realized being = equal and one. This could not possibly be done if existing within such self- judgment – and this is something that is still being walked. I mean, we have to see how we have programmed ourselves throughout our entire lives – in my case from as young as 5/6 years old wherein I became quite self-conscious about body image or my image in general, which I was never fully comfortable with throughout my life. I could say this is an ongoing process wherein the moment we write more about it, more layers open up which is cool and revealing how writing out supports in clearing up the pipes that might be clogged with memories that are still ‘there’ and not really brought up to the surface to ‘face.’  It become ‘clearer’ as we go along how we go constructing ourselves in our life according to seemingly ‘unimportant’ points that end up defining an entire façade that we end up becoming without being aware of ‘how we got till this point.’

It’s fascinating because I could see myself having judged this current culture in terms of all the effort – or even sacrifice – people take on in order to look a certain way, yet we all play that same game in one way or another, until we realize what we are doing to ourselves and stop.

Right now it’s very clear how this equalization at a physical level is that necessary self-agreement, after having had all of this struggle with myself in a quiet mode, wherein I could easily talk about others doing it, but not accepting I was living it out myself.

So, this is an ongoing process and there is nothing else to do but to walk the process of realizing that there can not be anything or anyone else that can decide ‘who we are’ or ‘what we are’ other than ourselves – and in that, we stand as beings that are no longer having to exist as a point of contrast in relation to that which we judged or avoided to become like. Instead we walk the necessary process of Self Correction in order to exist here, in simplicity – breathing, walking and dis.covering for the very first time what it is to LIVE without having to play a particular character in order to fit in.

 

Take this opportunity to do so as well.
Thanks for reading.

 


 

www.desteni.org
 

 

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Perfectionism is an Inside Job!

Per-fact working with what is here to be created/ directed within the principle of what’s best for all – Working in specificity, living in ways that are taking into consideration an outcome that will benefit myself and all equally – there are no inner-guidelines according to my own value schemes based on comparison or fears within that. This is how we can transform our current participation in ‘perfectionism’ to self perfection.

Perfectionism – system word and the familiar imprint.

I read the word perfectionism and remembered the usual talks my parents would have with their friends around the table and how my father would boast about his peculiar traits of being methodic and a perfectionist. He’s cool from the system perspective and I’ve learned heaps from such specificity and efficiency within taking into consideration aspects that make our day to day living more practical – yet a lot is definitely based on fear and an underlying desire for control. Now that I look at the word I see that looking at the ‘driving force’ of this experience is having everything working the way ‘he wants it to be’ and this aspect can consume him the moment things don’t go as expected.

That’s when anger would ignite within him right away – it was a ‘known’ fact that if something didn’t work out the way it was expected, we would have to deal with his bad temper. It’s been cool actually because this past year  I’ve gotten to be more open in talking about how to support ourselves with my parents/ family in general, so I’ve been able to point out in the exact moment when he’s going into anger and frustration for things not resulting the way he wanted them. This has been supportive for him to snap out of it and realize that all the fuzz is absolutely unnecessary and that things have to simply be physically directed without adding any other ‘charge’ to it.

The reason why I’m writing about my father is because I require to apply the exact same points for myself.  I can see myself in him in terms of how we have lived ‘perfectionism’ as literal cage wherein we want everything to be ‘under control,’ wherein we don’t want to make any mistakes which is essentially out of fear, fear of not keeping up with this ideal that we’ve created of ourselves, our ‘reputation.’ I now remembered asking my father in one of these events ‘well, what is it that worries you the most if this doesn’t work out?’ and he replied something along the lines of ‘what everyone will say about it.’ And then he goes into his petulant mode wherein he’s just like a little kid that has been caught in the nitty gritty of what is actually ‘mattering’ within our mind, it’s actually funny because there is no place to hide once we reveal and expose ourselves. 

So, it is about fearing others’ judgments, fearing not being ‘up to the expectations’ which is just an overall fuckup since we then will try and make everything fit our imaginary idea – not a pleonasm but a required redundancy to realize how we cannot become an ‘idea’ that is only existent in our mind unless we actually live it in fact. When living in comparison and caring too much about our general ‘presentation’ toward others, we start hindering our expression and placing a lock to our expression to not get out of the ‘known-safe bounds’ and in that, giving up the ability to express, share, being, speak and act because of caring too much about what others have to say about it.

 

How I have experienced perfectionism.

It started when I was a little girl – kindergarten to be precise and I wanted to be the perfect girl that did everything I was told to do. The moment I deviated from it like grabbing a pair of scissors and cutting some boy’s hair, getting scolded and resenting such action coming from the ‘teacher,’ I got ‘stuck’ within the point of never wanting to create such ‘harm’ on to another, the kid started crying after it all seemed like ‘fun’ to me.  That’s the first imprint of ‘being mean’ at school and being reprehended for it. From there fear kicked in and made sure I was doing everything I was told to do out of fear of having to go through that ‘humiliating experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself for having experienced humiliation out of being scolded without anyone taking into consideration the inner-workings and intentions behind the actions – in this

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to move from self-expression into fear because of not wanting to be ‘scolded’ again ‘in public’ and experiencing such humiliation which I didn’t know existed at the time, creating a general imprint of ‘fear’ which then became the driving force to ‘do as I’m told’ and be an obedient sheep in class.

In fact, from that moment on any ‘fuck up’ that I made during the elementary school years – like being kicked out of the class for talking too much which only happened once – I felt like the scum of the Earth, I feared to be expelled from the honorable wall of fame at school – losing the grace all teachers and others had – the ‘reputation’ point became quite prominent when being the ‘perfect system’ that does ‘everything perfect.’ In fact now that I see the latest points wherein that word has come up in my reality, I get this icky feeling like fuck that’s just not cool, it’s all ego based – how could ‘accomplishing tasks’ be related to ‘being perfect?’ It all was part of getting to know how to score in the system of rewards – nothing else.

I can only accept Self Perfection as myself and in that, we all have to stand equal and one to it – that would be principles and self-will to be efficient, practical, specific in terms of what will create an outcome that’s best for all. I speak of ‘creation’ because that’s what we are doing here with ourselves and the world. Therefore, now that we understand that all points within creation must be equally responsible, we can see how within being self responsible, correcting ourselves and accumulating words and deeds that co-operate to create a best for all outcome is walking the process of Self Perfection. This then cannot be a mind/ ego-driven move, but a best-for-all consideration that anyone can apply in an equal manner.

The reason why we have become so hooked on ‘perfectionism’ is due to the current system wherein one has to be absolutely ‘fit’ and aligned to its rules to keep going – this is just another survival-mechanism point because the main motive is fear once again. Whether it is fear of judgment, of not having money, fear of loss, etc. we have to take such fears to see where we have placed our value/worth upon.

Walking in this process has allowed me learn how to work as a team for the first time as I used to ‘loathe’ to work in teams, because it would usually mean having other 4 people wanting to be in my team because they knew and I knew I would do it all – yes I would create such a situation for myself and accept to do it all most of the times just so that I could make sure it was done ‘the right way.’ Once again we see that the motivation was fearing it would be a fuckup and believing that ‘my way’ is the ‘best way.’ I have stunned myself whenever I see how cool it is to brainstorm about points to the extent that I can see how funneling everything within the principle of equality can create an actual diversity of perspectives that lead to the same point – yet using different ways and expressions to get there, that’s the cool part.

It’s probably been over a  decade since I started letting go much of the initial hardcore perfectionism I experienced as a child – I mean, when I was around 8 years old if things didn’t go out the way I wanted, I would become frustrated and angry and bottle myself in it only getting to see some ‘light out of the tunnel’ with some support that I would get from my mother at that time, allowing me to see how I was simply able to do the things without having to be so strict and ‘hard on myself.’ I see how I would take such comments like ‘quick fixes’ that she could say in order for me to have like a spoon fed of honey to get past the bitterness, I would not really consider what she was saying. It did support to snap out of it and learn to be more flexible with my own religion. Like if I would say: I go to bed at 9:15 I had to be in bed at that time, no matter where I was I would have to be in bed because otherwise I was breaking my own rules and that was equal to what missing Sunday’s mass is for a hardcore christian.

I created for myself an overly-apprehensive childhood, no one was putting a gun to my head to have set such standards of ‘being the best’ all the time, it was like literal preprogramming running itself wherein my parents never had to bother in asking if I had done my homework or doing exhaustive reviews on my homework. My mother would support me with tools to learn useless data and create questionnaires to enhance the understanding of what I was learning –  that was it.   The drive that I would experience in an almost automated way to ‘be the best one in the class’ was driven by fear of losing my reputation and image toward others.

After these initial years at school I learned ‘the ways of the system’ wherein I simply got to know the ‘rules’ and started manipulating the points to get the desired outcome, extenuating the effort as well.  This is Not Self Perfection at all! Yet from a system perspective it was regarded as such – it was me becoming part of the ones that are able to manipulate things to suit my reputation/ ego. It actually sucks when people build a certain ‘idea of yourself’ and then create all types of expectations of ‘who you are’ and when finally getting to meet you, they eventually see you are just another mortal that is not self perfected – yet.

 

I can also now pinpoint the times in the past wherein I would create this ‘lower standard’ of something I had created even though it was ‘well done’ just to create a ‘safe zone,’ like a margin of error wherein if people thought it wasn’t ‘good enough,’ they would have my initial input of the work ‘not being good enough’ so that they could then measure the end result according to their judgment and my input and create an ‘acceptable average’ from it all. All fucked up complicated value systems – the mind complicates everything and it’s all done just for the sake of keeping up an imaginary standard that apparently can uplift of diminish who we are – it’s not real!

 

From Perfectionism to Self Perfection – the process.

The way to go every time from here on that I experience any perfection-demon kick I  stop for a moment and become aware of what is the driving force within this – what is it that I am actually supporting here and if common sense is not able to be found, we’ll know it’s being an ego-driven task directed to fulfill a certain patterned-idea of myself that is not self-supportive, that will not be applicable for all equally and will only stand as a general bluff within my experience.

Self-perfection is taking all into consideration to the best outcome possible – perfectionism is just ego-driven desires and fears which are the same but just in opposition to each other. It implies then stopping the desire to be ‘the best’ or beating my own standards and self-created ‘records’ to simply continue living in a way that is supportive for myself and everyone equally. That way we let go of measuring ourselves against ourselves and others and feeling ‘good’ or ‘bad’ about it.

“Perfectionism is based in fear – self perfection is based in self creation” – Bernard Poolman

And with that we can see how we’re all walking the process of self creation wherein self perfection is the accumulation of consistent self-application directed toward a best for all outcome.

 

Learn more at: Desteni 

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