Tag Archives: musicians

Day 21: Absorbing Music Media as a Child

A turning point in my life was getting cable TV when I was 7 years old. A window opened up toward a world that I had only been exposed in a light manner to, which was idolizing music artists from as early as age 3 and making this my way of having fun when it came to dancing and singing.  So when I was 7  I chose a form of entertainment that was not the average child-treat,  it was watching music videos and exposing myself to all of these images and music that ‘truly fascinated me’ at the time – i n other words, I would be hypnotized in front of the TV.

 

I decided to open up this point as I heard that Adam Yauch is dead, and he happened to be one of those men that I first realized I ‘liked’ at that age just by mere presentation. Later on following the Beastie’s career and perceiving him as the ‘serious’ Beastie Boy, being a Buddhist, supporting activism like ‘Free Tibet’ and probably responsible for presenting the more ‘humane’ side to the media from the band, as well as being a music video director and the author of that rocking bass riff on Sabotage which is one of the songs that first drove me nuts as a child. This type of ‘sensitivity’ and humanitarian side within artists going for activism was an extra point I wanted to do, as I also waned to ‘do good’ but never knew how, and if if hadn’t been for Desteni, I would have mostly become a Zen Buddhism sucker myself supporting some charity programs on the way – if possible.

So, I’ll use that as a reference to build also ideas about ‘who I want to be’ in the future, which due to my extensive exposure to music and videos, I knew it had to do something with music– I went from wanting to be a musician, to a music journalist, a writer then a visual artist.

“I commit myself to demonstrate how the greed of self-interest forms the foundation of the philosophy of the soul. “ Bernard Poolman

 

I wanted to be as ‘free’ as I perceived people on TV/ music industry which is obviously linked to them having a life in a million with a million in their pocket,  where all fame and glory is bursting at their feet. I could ‘sense’ the power that they would ooze when being performing. Music was always ‘the point’ within my life wherein I said many times ‘music saved my life’ just because for many years I did not care about anything o anyone other than listening to music, playing guitar and being immersed in my watercolor world, which smells like the perfect teen spirit that is brewing entire generations of ‘I don’t give a fuck about life’ in our reality, where everyone is just aiming to mimic the next greatest act in a furtive attempt to become famous in any way possible.

 

Therefore, I am proof of how anything that you get exposed to as child, you absorb and eventually end up molding yourself to achieve, according to the stereotypes that I would watch on TV, specifically musicians. So, the ‘music artist’ type of personality was developed at this early age – I grew up with MTV and I got exposed to so much bullshit that lead me to be more ‘open minded’ about life in general which was ‘cool’ from the sense that it allowed me to cope with ‘reality’ as our current culture with more ease, however I lead myself to want to ‘experience ‘that lifestyle’ as well.

 

Before I ever sought God or dedicated enough time to seek for the mysteries on life, I would spend my time being in la la land dreaming about music, about becoming an artist and profiling myself to achieve that type of lifestyle that I knew that was mostly impossible as a one in a million chance – but hey, it was all about the ‘attitude’ and having a ‘good time’ while dreaming about it.

 

An interview that really brought my feet back to the ground in the past weeks was Seeing the Good when only the Bad Prevails as it is about a musician that points out to change this world we have to stick to what must be done, and not what we like or would prefer to do at the moment. And that allowed me to also see how I had blamed myself for not being following too much in the artwork but being actually busy redefining ‘art’ as myself – therefore, no pressure as this is all about self-realization wherein I cannot possibly define me only as a single ‘tag’ in this world – hell no.

 

And so, this was the foundation of my ‘philosophy in life’ attempting to accumulate the most experiences for my own pleasure and benefit, getting closer to god in any way I could, even if this god meant watching endless hours of music videos absorbing the reality of such individuals that I simply wanted to live like as well. No wonder we have all kids wanting to be famous and artists nowadays, and or explicitly singing along to songs like wanting to be a millionaire and being rich girls,  it’s all directly proportional to the amount of media exposure you have.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to absorb anything that I would watch on MTV as a source of inspiration to ‘build my life upon,’ which means that I accepted and allowed the idea of being famous and recognized, along with having a great ‘attitude’ as a source of inspiration to ‘fulfill my dreams,’ which weren’t taking into consideration anything or anyone else but my own desires to be happy and ‘free’ within the idealized version of myself I would create from watching other artists as well.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that being a musician was ‘my dream’ and that I would be able to make a lot of money from ‘doing what I like,’ which is the type of thinking that has compromised ourselves to neglect the actual reality in this world wherein we have to do and direct ourselves to live/do/ act upon that which we might not necessarily ‘prefer’ or initially ‘enjoy’ doing – yet it is required to be done, otherwise I have realized that I cannot enjoy myself just ‘creating’ and ‘having a good time’ while knowing that a single other being in this world that doesn’t even have money to eat is wondering why the hell us people with money are doing nothing to support them.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to create and follow dreams of fame and fortune when I was a child from watching artists, and considering that ‘this was an acceptable easy way to live,’ as I perceived that it would be easy to make money/ be famous from doing what you like, which is the type of thinking within this ‘dreamer’ personality that I followed when I decided to make an art career and making myself believe that ‘it would be easy to support myself in it’ – yet never actually walking the necessary steps and practical points to actually make a living out of it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to idolize people that represented freedom, carelessness, humor and strength as confidence,  as an entire package of ‘fame’ and ‘fortune’ which is what I sought as well in order to experience myself as, because of how I would see them express themselves when giving interviews and talking about how ‘great’ their lives were, in this believing that it is perfectly ‘fine’ to want to fulfill my dreams of fame and fortune, because ‘everyone else is doing it! So why can’t we?’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ‘make it okay’ to follow my mind into dreaming about fame and fortune, which were the first steps to only create a personalized continuous drive to ‘become someone in this world’ wherein I thought that making money and being famous and ‘having a place in the world’ would lead me to create some form of influence on others to ‘change the world.’

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to ever believe that music could change the world, that a work of art could ‘change the world,’ I see and remember how I built and acquired these ideas from the endless times I would hear artists and their stories about being just regular people getting together to play, getting signed and ‘living out their dreams,’ which seemed fairly simple to myself and in that, pursuing a career wherein I could live out a similar life wherein you are not exactly in a regular job within the system, but still earning lots of money.

 

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to ponder if I would have desired to be an artist or a musician or anything else for that matter if there was no money involved at all? My mind says yes, but I cannot trust it as that would come from an ingrained judgment toward making money out of my artwork so, not recommended to hear these thoughts wherein I essentially allowed my ‘career’ to become another attempt to escape the system.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to value artists as ‘more than everyone else in the world’ because of perceiving them as ‘fighters’ for what they wanted to be and become, and for being open minded and activists, which lead me to become aware of how there could be apparently some ‘effect’ within such fame-fortune positions to mitigate the problems in the world if/when reaching such status in the world, never knowing how this entire reality was set up in such a bright way to ensure that we would always fall for that which seemed like ‘sweet’ to live and experience ourselves in. In my case, the desire to be a musician, an artist became stronger the more I was preparing myself to eventually be part of this ‘artsy music’ world.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to develop the ideas and acceptances of ‘idolizing’ wherein I became infatuated with musicians and their lives, studying their lives and wanting to have some sort of ‘out of nowhere’ knock on my door to make me famous, just as some of them would tell about in their personal stories around music.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to believe that because everyone dreamed of having all the money in the world, being ‘the best’ and doing anything possible to achieve that, I could also only focus on living up and aspire to become part of such ‘easy lifestyle’ wherein it seemed much easier to live out of creating art, making music or writing than anything else in this world, which is how I accepted and allowed myself to limit myself to only being a certain ‘idea’ that would then experience frustration and dissatisfaction when this ‘dream’ would seem like something beyond myself, which I deliberately ignored and still went for it, because of believing that I could somehow ‘find my way’ while being in it.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to disregard taking into consideration the practical steps that are required to participate within this world in a suitable position to create enough financial stability to then consider that I am actually ‘building my life,’ instead I allowed myself to use a career choice and preferences as a point that I followed with no practical considerations or regard toward actually supporting a point in this world that would benefit the whole and not only myself and my pursuit of happiness.

 

I forgive myself that I accepted and allowed myself to make it ‘okay’ to aspire to be someone with ‘lots of money’ without ever regarding why are we even following and chasing after money, when in fact all that is here as myself can agree that the current relationships we have created as this entire world system, are Not benefitting everyone equally. So, we require to create the new standard wherein we finally understand that we can only continue living in this world if each one takes responsibility for one point within the world to benefit the whole, to correct the relationships of self-interest and self-glorification into actual reforms and changes within our starting point, ensuring that we live by the principle of what’s best for All as life in Equality.

 

I commit myself to educate myself and others about the actual conditions that are imprinted within a child at a tender age when being exposed to media without any practical considerations of what is it that is being promoted and the reasons behind the support toward such activities that support the ‘pursuit of happiness’ with no regard whatsoever to what this dream-seeking position supports in this world.

 

I commit myself to create a world wherein media is no longer driven by money/ profit and indoctrination to accept ‘wealth’ and ‘fame’ as the standards promoted from a very young age within a child, which are being the key factors that have ensured that all kids aim to ‘be famous’ and eventually ‘be on TV’ just because of how ‘being rich/ being wealthy’ has been associated with happiness, glory, bliss and the ultimate apparent fulfillment within a world system where money has become it all within a human being’s life. I realize that I must expose the fallacies we’ve been living by and make sure that no money is ever promoted as a ‘lifestyle’ in this world, but instead becomes the way to provide life in equality for all.

 

I commit myself to expose the brainwashing that children undergo by seemingly ‘innocent activities’ such as watching any regular entertainment on TV, wherein programs are being perfectly crafted to instill patterns of consumerism and hierarchical values that become part of the inherent acceptances within children, wherein someone that is on ‘TV’ is seen as a semi-god while seeing the rest of the world as ‘not as good as/ not good enough’ in comparison to the fictional reality of fame, fortune and apparent ‘freedom’ that is presented in bright photoshopped versions of what ‘life’ is supposed to be.

 

The only way that real entertainment will emerge is when there is no money behind it, no matter how ‘good’ artist’s intentions have been, there’s been no ‘change’ in the world coming from that, as this world requires an overall participation of each individual within the consideration that life can only exist in Equality if we ALL participate equally to create a world that is best for all.

 

 

2003

 

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I  forgive myself that i have accepted and alowed myself to like/adore/consider me a fan of music
i forgive myself that ihave accepted and allowed myself to define my life according to the music i listen to
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever think/believe/perceive that i could only relate to people that had the same/similar musical taste as me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to like men for their musical tastes
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define me as similar to other people just because of their musical taste/preferences
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to declare that music saved my life
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to praise music and consider music as something separate from me.
I am one and equal to music, I am music
I forgive myself that i ever accepted and allowed myself to numb myself watching music videos for extensive amount of hours everyday for several years since i was seven years old of age
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire playing guitar to be like a rock star
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to consider/deem rockstars as cool people
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take shirley manson as a role model in my life
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to establish my relationships based on similar tastes for music
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself that i can only trust someone for their musical taste
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create myself a bubble of me taking music as a drug
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be/feel seduced by music
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to learn innumerable song lyrics
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still get “feelings” whenever i hear certain songs
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deem music as something beyond me
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to always consider me as a fan of music
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to idolize music artists and considering them as “unreachable”
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be obsessed with john frusciante
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as being “in love” with john frusciante
i forgive myself that ihave accepted and allowed myself to declare that i would be happy if i could be with john frusicante
Gee!! haha i sense stupidity now in myself, but this is real
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my self forgiveness on john frusciante as stupidity as not needed/ too far.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed mysefl to feel compassion for john frusciante while he was on drugs
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire being fulfilled with music my whole life
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to declare that i may leave all drugs and sex and whatnot but i can’t give up on music
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare music to sex, drugs or anything else
i am one and equal to sex, i am one and equal to drugs, i am one and equal to music and any other perceived entertainment for my mind.
I forgive myself that i haven’t accepted and allowed myself that music is an experience of senses therefor, musis is for mind
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be shaped/molded by my perceived idea of what rockstars and artists are like
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to believe this is what I have become on my own
i forgive myself that i haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept the fact that much of my personality comes from the perceived “outgoing and free” expression of music artists
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place hope in someday being part of the music world
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive there’s a music world
i forgive myself tha ti haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace music as me, to embrace all music artists as one and equal with who i really am
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to consider/deem music artists as something superior than me
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to music artists considering them too talented for me to achieve that
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to music artists
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider musica artists as role models in my life
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to embrace certain aspects of shirley manson’s personality as my own. I am one and equal to shirley manson (LOL)
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to learn from music artists
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed msyelf to keep track for several years of each and everysingle music video i watched
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be an mtv addict from 1994 till 2002
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to declare that i was raised by mtv
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from music artists, therefore considering that i “copied” their ways or being, their attitudes, etc
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to have idols as music artists
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in that worshipping situation of idolizing other people
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel “moved” by certain music
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel mesmerized by music
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i have a deeply ingrained music system within and as me
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place hope in music as being my third possible option for a living
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deem i am not “good enough” at making music
i forgive myself tha ti haven’t accepted and allowed myself to realize that talent is a perceived judgement by the mind
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowe dmysel fto judge/deem music as being good or bad according to my formed opinions
i forgive myeself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i didn’t need to apply self forgiveness in music
i frogive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to have “formed opinions” regarding music
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowedmyself to separate myself from people just because i don’t fit into their musical taste
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge people for their musical tastes
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to condition my “friendship” with someone just because of their musical taste in the past
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to still hold on to past likes/preferences on music
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to deem/perceive that i know lots about music
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire working for music industry
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire being a music article writter for music magazine
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire working in spin magazine in the past
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire being part of a music band
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever desire going to live to new york to work in a music magazine
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to desire going to live in Canada
i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge musicians as lucky people
i forgive myself that i haven’t accepted and allowed myself to accept the fact that I am musicians as well
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel envy for musicians lifestyle
i forgive myself tha ti haven’t accepted and allowed myself to exists within and as freedom i perceive from musicians
i forgive myself that i haven’t accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as self expression as i consider musicians to be
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still feel deeply attached to music
i forgive myself that i haven’t accepted and allowe dmyself to realize that there’s no attachment because i am all, i need no relationship to music, I am music.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmysel to categorize people for their musical tastes
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmysel to perceive that i could tell what a people is like just by knowing their musical taste
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself for not having embraced all kinds of music of this world yet as me
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from some types/kinds/genres of music deeming them as “not of my kind”
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to discriminate certain musical expressions
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to declare that music could only get me to a certain feeling/experience that nothing else would be able to give me
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become sadenned/frustrated by knowing that music is a system manifestation as well
i forgive myself that i accepted and allowed myself to take music as a tranquilizer
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to listen to music as a way of numbing myself
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take music as a drug along with weed
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to link the idea A immediately to music
i forgive myself that i havea ccepted and allowe dmyself to link the idea of G immediately to music
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to consider that all main relationships in my life were first founded on music
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive i got the desire for playing music downloaded from my father’s system
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge my father’s musical expression
i forgive myself that i haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take music as natural self expression yet
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from people regarding that i am not “made” to be a musician, or that i don’t have musician wood
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to sitll desire being a “talented musician”
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to desire my music to be heard or recognized for the oddity within it
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to ever declare i was meant to be with a musician
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to ever declare i am always attracted to musicians
i forgive myself tha ti ahve accepted and allowed myself to declare that i have a weakness for artists
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to consider myself as an artists
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to tag everything in my world in order to fit into categories
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to experience music as something separate from me
I am one and equal to artists
i am one and equal to musicians
i am music
i am art
i am all that exists in this world including musical expression and self expression through art i facts
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place a desire within me to fullfill my expression through musical instruments
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to now fear being part of any other expression i fear of it being all done by the mind
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to fear my mind : i am one and equal to my mind. I am my mind and i am stopping it.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to feel/believe and perceive that I “feel like” listening to a certain specific artist or kind of music at times
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire that bob marley could get into the portal and tell everyone to stop smoking weed
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deem bob marley as being coward for not facing himself through the portal to give a message to his legions of fans around the world
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to judge musicians that get rich and forget about music
i forgive myself that i ever accepted and allowe dmyself to link music to money wealth
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to believe that i could die happily after seeing/watching live certain bands in this world
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to risk my health and life just to be and experience myself fully in a music concert
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to deem music concerts as my club parties
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the artists performing on stage, considering them as bein superior/beyond my reach
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to judge certain artists as being to egotistic
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that i could never aspire getting that “high”
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to copy and get much of my perceive personality from female music artists in this world
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to admire the guts and determination and braveness of some women within and as the music sphere of this world
i forgiv emyself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there could be a woman musical revolution
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to delve into feminism through music
i forgiv emysel that i haven’t accepted and allowed myself to embrace both expressions, male and female, as one and equal to all in this world, one and equal as who I am  with all that exists
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself learning from those female artists
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe in emotions feelings thoughts and quotes in song lyrics from many artists
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to take certain people’s thoughts and ideas and quotes as my own accepted and allowed truth
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel/believe and perceive that i was done to experience music in this world
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowe dmyself to consdier that music would be my all time dream job
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deem that music could be a business for myself
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place myself into a hypotethical situation of me bieng part of the music sphere of this world
I am no separate from music in this world, i am no different to musiscians, artists, poets, writters of this world
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever believe/perceive that music is the purest exrpession
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place music in a “special” place within and as my being
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowe dmyself to believe/perceive/think that I could make a good music performer
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ever dream of becoming a musician recognized by the whole world enableing me to travel around the world and spread the message to people
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place certain hope in music to create a change in this world. There’s no change for this world, only stopping it.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think believe or perceive that by me stopping listening to music i am leaving a faithful friend
i forgive myself hta ti havea ccepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive that everyone in this world may come and go, leave, but music would always stay with me
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to place someone as bieng more special for being able to create music
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that people that are into art world are more openminded and self expressive than others that don’t
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think believe perceive that art is a way out of this world
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to get into art just because i wanted to fuck the system
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deem/perceive/think that by  me creating art i am being more special than any other human beings that never create something.
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe and perceive that art and music are elevated human activities
i forgive myself tha ti have accepted and allowed myself to reject all other spheres of life as less important to those ones that focus on self expression such as music, art and literature
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel/perceive myself as being similar to artists/musicians/writters/philosophers than any other kind of  people in this world
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to perceive that there are different kinds of people in this world
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to create separation in my mind towards human activities defining what a human being is. I am not my profession, i am not my designed activity. I am all as one and equal as life


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