Tag Archives: mykey

597. Embracing My Mind

Be humble in your relationship to the mind, humbleness meaning to walk it in understanding and consideration, it’s like this beast that you gotta tame. And approaching the beast with an attacking egotistical superiority is going to just unsettle it even more, so take it easy, walk it slowly but surely, take it day by day, breath by breath. And if anything, your process in your relationship to energy, especially in your daily participation is something I would really focus on because it is primarily through energy and energy experience that the mind gets you. That consciousness will move your awareness from the physical into the mind, it uses energy.” Mykey – Demons in the Afterlife – Part 11

 

I’m going to open up some points and realizations and practical test-outs that I’ve gathered from various sources like Mykey’s description above of the humbleness required in our relationship with our mind, and the description of how we’ve been fighting against stress in our lives while also not challenging ourselves explained in this Eqafe.com interview Senility, Dementia, and Alzheimer’s (Part 2) – Psychological & Physical Disorders – as well as seeing a picture of one of my favorite artists/singers with a caption saying ‘Embrace the mess that you are’ and also some of Ido Portal’s interview which I’m also enjoying quite a bit because there are a lot of points that open up parallels to walking this mind-being-body process as well, which relate to the form of movement that we have to also create in order to develop anything, to change anything, to challenge ourselves and the effort, consistency, discipline it takes to do so.

Something that we tend to do is fight those aspects that we dislike of ourselves, or become uncomfortable with getting to acknowledge the ‘truth’ of ourselves as the reality, of that which we’ve become but that we’ve become so used to masking, disguising in all kinds of ways to make it seem ‘better’ in our eyes than what it is – and this is mostly because of wanting to keep a certain ‘idea’ of ourselves as perfect, flawless, never wrong, always right, honorable, ‘immaculate’ and so forth, well at least these are some of the ideas I’ve had to debunk about myself which were the perfect ‘shields’ for me to not even question certain things or experiences about me that I actually was wanting to hold on to because of the ‘pleasure’ I derived from them in a very ‘sneaky’ manner so to speak.

Though interestingly enough I’ve found that the more I get ‘down and dirty’ with myself in all kinds of ways – yep don’t allow your mind to run rampant with that idea though! – I find that I become the most comfortable, more raw and honest with myself where I have been throughout this past year – more so than ever before – being really willing to let go of this ‘effigy’ I had created about me/who I am or what I seem ‘to be for others’ which was a huge thing in me as well, like having this idea of myself as a ‘politician’ in a way that had to keep a certain image at all times.

I now know exactly where this comes from – as a result of the many writings about it to open this point up – and how I developed this idea of self, which has to do with yes having been taught to behave a certain ways in certain social contexts and seeing how my family would relate to others etc. And here it’s just an acknowledgement, not at all judging or blaming, but an understanding – and so what I became was this very stiff, rigid, inflexible, ever ‘strong’ version of myself that had to appear in a certain manner all the time – and this goes as far as my first ‘big contact’ with peers in the first day of school in wanting to take on this idea of myself as strong, not weak, superior, ‘not showing emotions’ and all kinds of things that of course now I’ve been able to identify and so decide to open up myself more and share who I am in a vulnerable, natural, open, raw version of myself that to say the least has become a very enjoyable process to integrate as myself and so share with others in my life too.

I was talking with a friend the other day and he mentioned how he had this very shocking dream where he had killed someone and everyone noticed that ‘the killed person’ was missing and he started to get very stressed out and fearful about the idea of having the corpse in a bag and not being able to do anything with it, not being able to compress the body of evidence into non-existence. He freaked out about the images, the scene, the very ‘act of killing’ itself, so I suggested to not dwell on the imagery of it, the gory details of it so to speak, but to focus on his experience, which is that of suddenly becoming aware of what he had done, trying to hide it, getting fearful about facing consequence, being caught by others, eventually maybe having to admit having done such a thing (in the dream of course) and I simply suggested to take it back to himself to see/write out where in his life is he having this kind of experience towards some parts of him that he is fearing to admit, to see, to embrace. I left it at that. He is on his 21 days of stopping smoking weed and of course suppressions are popping up and I understand how that kind of changes can suddenly open up Pandora’s box within self, but it’s quite cool to know that he’s taking on the writing as a source of self-reference.  Though I could notice there was some fear, disgust, aghast experience about the dream, where he then became more unsettled about such ‘truth’ of himself that he might not even be aware of instead of simply getting to know himself, to understand it, which is also part of being humble to our minds, our truth, ourselves: not to fear it or resist it, but embrace it with all its ‘doom and gloom’ in it, we created it so there’s nothing to ‘fear’ in it, nothing is really ‘unknown’ to us, only out of our awareness.

I also watched a documentary about a band and how they said they had to become ‘fearless’ in their way to continue walking their lengthy career, having some pivotal changes in their lineup, having ‘core members’ leaving, having rejection towards the new members, testing out new things but their decision to persevere, keep going no matter what has turned them into a long-standing band with some 30 years of history now behind them, which is quite a merit and example for many more as well.

The word ‘fearlessness’ was mentioned a few times and it stuck with me, which is also something Ido explains is a very normal function in humans – practical fears enable us to survive, to be aware, cautious, make decisions to ‘keep ourselves alive’ of course – however there’s also the point of being taken over by fear completely nowadays where we’ve allowed it to override everything we are and do, to the point that we are now limiting ourselves extensively because of fearing ourselves and each other… a world dominated by fear in fact.

So, in this process of self-change, self-awareness, self-creation I find it very supportive to walk a process of self-forgiveness in order to identify all those things that we fear about ourselves. I remember writing out each and every other fear I had in my mind in the beginning of my process, man, the list was immense but I knew I was a very fearful person – and I am continuing walking through them – but the point here is admitting to oneself those fears, deliberately creating that acceptance and comfort of the ‘uncomfortable’ at first, admitting to oneself those actual thoughts, words and deeds that we have defined as bad, evil, wrong and Embrace them.

This is a keyword right here, to Embrace myself because the actual living of the word implies I cannot judge it, compare it, define the totality of myself in relation to ‘a few points’ that I become aware of – I instead write it out to understand it, to get to know ‘how’ and ‘why’ I became such personalities, patterns, experiences within me, what was it within me that enabled that and within doing so, I am more taking a position of learning about myself, observing myself yet not creating a reaction to it and making it personal. Sure, it’s not as easy as it sounds, it has taken me years to walk through certain points that I was quite ashamed of myself to even ‘talk about’ to myself about them and through sharing about them openly with a few people, it has assisted me to also let go of the ‘hold’ I had towards it all as something that I apparently could ‘never forgive myself for.’

Of course in that it is to be considerate of who we share with such very personal points, always in common sense, but I find it very supportive to have someone in your life with whom you can open up and lay those points out in writing, in conversations, creating that safe space for self-support in relationships which is one of the benefits we have as human beings to create, develop and nurture each other within the context of relationships where two or more beings decide to share themselves, open themselves in order to assist each other in that very personal process of self-creation and self-change.

And if this is something that is not yet ‘here’ as a potential for you to be comfortable with in terms of opening up with others, then it means that there’s some self-work to first do within self, to start developing that self-relationship first, and to me this came through writing within a self-honest starting point which means pushing through to see the ‘truth’ of myself, even if I wanted to hide behind my chair to not type it out or see it ‘for what it is’, pushing through to lay it out and embrace those things I was ashamed for in my life, all those things I thought would leave me ‘powerless’ or ‘losing my mojo’ in a way lol, or where I believed I would become this ‘lifeless being’ if giving up my craving for certain things that gave me an ‘energy high,’ which I ended up realizing where actually the chains and shackles I had enslaved myself to as ‘reasons to live’ or ‘points of motivation’ in separation of myself.

I decided to place myself through all of those uncomfortable spots through writing, through being honest with myself and all I can say is that the ‘bitter taste’ is only momentary, the rest of what one gets out of the box and opened up creates an actual ‘flow’ within oneself. It’s as if bit by bit I went ‘disentangling’ myself from my plethora of fears, judgments, limitations – and still am doing so – and with each point I went opening up, it was like opening up a window to let the air flow, or digging more ground for a river to flow wider… that kind of ‘liberation’ in fact, which I was reflecting about yesterday with regards to a particular point I tested myself with in letting go of something that I had to admit would give me an ‘energy high’ and within doing the actual change and decision to ‘let go of it’ in that moment, I realized that I was apparently letting go of a very automated ‘fix’ I had created in particular contexts, but I reminded myself instead of the actual integrity, self-respect, honor that I created instead for myself in that moment and towards others implied in the situation as well.

What did I have to practically do? Instead of fearing placing myself in such ‘tempting’ position so to speak, I decided to create it, to embrace myself in that moment and learn to see ‘who I am’ in that moment. I saw the energy movement taking a position in my body, I saw how the justifications opened up in order to ‘go for it’, I saw how ‘natural’ this had become for me to act on this experience without giving ‘too much thought’ into it before – and it was quite fascinating to stand in that point in the moment and what I practically did was the following:

– I decided to consider the consequential outflows of me acting out on this ‘impulse’ I had which I became aware of was existing as energy, there was no substance to it, just an ‘impulse’ that If I had given too many thoughts into it, I would have ended up convincing myself of just ‘doing it’ or ‘going for it’ – neverminding the outflows, the aftermath and consequence which is what I decided to remind myself of in that moment in order to not ‘go for it’ or not ‘move’ myself under the influence of this impulse/energy as desire.

It was quite cool because I was able to see it, stand in it, feel how it ‘feels’ and feel how I could go either two ways: get myself to heighten the experience if I would have given more of an opening to it or stick to my conscious decision I had laid out before of ‘who I decide to be/do’ in those moments of defined ‘temptation’. Therefore,

– I decided to remind myself that I would not be able to live with myself if I would give into that experience and act on this impulse driven by an energetic experience defined as desire. And within reminding myself of this and how I had essentially made the ‘same mistake’  a few times in the past, I decided to stand strong in my resolve to let go of it, to not ‘go for it,’ to discipline myself to ‘stand my ground’ not as defensive, defiant or antagonistic to my desire, but through having ‘immersed’ myself for a moment in it, seeing, it understanding it, get a ‘feel’ for it as the energy it was where as I said there was no other ‘substance’ to it other than the remembrance of ideas, beliefs of perceptions of ‘acting out on the energy feeling good.’ And that’s it… never ever having considered the actual implications, consequences of acting out on it, what I would cause as conflict or consequences for it, which would eventually lead me to become very dependent of ‘recreating’ the same experience one way or another, becoming subject to an experience, becoming subject to a ‘feeling good’ sensation only – and that’s what I decided to no longer be.

So all of this happened in a couple of minutes and then I decided to breathe myself into stability and fully decide to let it go, to not act on it and physically stabilize myself so that I would no longer be in this ‘heightened’ experience – and even if it ‘kept coming up’ or ‘being triggered,’ I would then repeat some of the above mentioned points of reminding myself of the consequence, of deciding to live honor, integrity, self-respect in those moments which means to me not ‘giving up’ on myself for a fleeting energy, but to test who I am within it, see with clarity the starting point, the context, the factors that I led myself to in order to face such point and then be able to come out on the other side of it having in a way yes ‘tamed,’ controlled, directed myself to not give into it.

See, maybe a few months ago I would have still feared myself in terms of believing I would not have self-control or that I should not even place myself in certain situations, but in a way I created the context and then realized that I can in fact stand and stick to my decisions to not give into this desire and what I gained from that is the satisfaction of having simply done that which is best for all, that which I know creates and expands my integrity, my self-respect and honor to myself and everyone else involved whether they were aware of it or not. And that’s what I decide to make the new matter to me.

Also it was quite cool for me to open this point up and reflect on it, see it within clarity and share it, communicate it as is because it becomes a way to debunk this ‘secret mind’ that I’ve kept for quite some time as ‘who I am’ because of in a way wanting to still hold on to that kind of ‘thrill’ or ‘power’ or ‘experience’ which boils down to energy that in fact tampers with the ability to simply express, enjoy, embrace and appreciate myself and others without attempting to ‘get an energetic experience from it’ – which is what we’ve become very ‘addicted’ to – and instead embrace the interactions in their simplicity, without any hidden agendas, without any ‘suppressions’ either, but simply understanding what comes up as ‘desire’ for example for a particular experience, seeing it, holding it, becoming it for a moment, not fearing to ‘get lost’ in it but keeping the focus on making that crucial decision to let go of it and in that moment decide ‘who I decide to be’ in the face of that experience or ‘temptation’ I created for myself in a way.

And that’s how I would define an experience of ‘embracing’ the whole of myself, not fearing to ‘have no control’ of myself, but to rather use the opportunities, situations, experiences as playgrounds for me to see ‘who I am’ in those situations, in essence creating my own test-drives so to speak to see if my written process and the commitments, corrections and solutions I’ve set for myself are practical enough for me to actually change in that moment.  And I did, it was in me all along, that ability to decide to not go for the ‘quick fix’ of an energetic experience, and seeing once again that I can in fact live beyond that and not really ‘lose’ anything other than an energetic experience, but instead gain self-respect, confidence, self-trust, self-integrity and honesty. In this I am also learning to see interactions with other people without wanting to get a ‘fix’ from it, which had become very underlying and common way to do so before in my life.

Ok! I had a very simple idea to start this blog, I ended up expanding it too much, well, it is what it is, I still find it quite a challenge stay in a few words… maybe I have to stop judging it or trying to ‘battle’ against the extension of these blogs and simply let myself be in it. It is how it is and comes out for now

 

Thanks for reading.

 

Face Your Demons

 

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584. Walking Through the Veils of Shame

Or walking through the character weakness I created through cheating in relationships and turning it into a current self-committed strength.

In this same process of doing a bit of a ‘looking back’ in my life and the things that I’ve been most ashamed of and regret and have in essence kept as stuff that had ‘haunt’ me as my past was cheating in relationships. As I write this I look away from the screen for a moment because a part of me would not want to expose this side of myself, would prefer to keep things ‘to myself’ but I also see the benefit of not only sharing about this to ‘expose’ myself in the past, but more so to share what I considered as a very personal process that ‘I should keep to myself’, but this was mostly because of existing in shame towards it and judging that ‘tendency’ of myself as something really bad, unforgivable, that caused pain and sorrow in others.

This has been something that I have immediately linked to reviewing shame as it’s been opened up in the awesome audio support here:  Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife  and Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 2) – Demons in the Afterlife  and through having such support as well as looking at and opening up the word ‘reconciliation’ within me, I saw that I had not made peace with this aspect of myself, mostly also because of keeping it as something that I should never speak of or admit about myself.

I have worked with this for myself, and even if I knew what I was doing at the time, I simply didn’t want to change my ways and would like to ‘keep my possibilities open’ which I only managed to change in the past relationship I had and I’m quite glad about that with myself in how through walking this process and from the very beginning of the relationship, I made a decision to no longer allow myself to ‘waver’ in my decision to be with that person even if we weren’t physically together right away, I made that decision to for once live that commitment to myself, to show to me that I could in fact stop having ‘affairs’ in thought, word or deed when it comes to personal relationships, and I am grateful to myself that I did this even if yes, there were surely moments that I could have defined as ‘openings’ or ‘temptations’ if you will, which surely are never ‘gone’ as such because I realize I have the ability to decide what I define as a ‘temptation’ to begin with which in a way it’s a whole word in itself to open up, which already implies a form of weakness from my perspective, where I believe that ‘I cannot help myself/cannot control/cannot direct’ myself in something and thus ‘fall’ into it, which surely I did experience in relation to cheating as such, which is why I had to yes, of course, let go of that ability within me to make it quite simple to act out on what I saw as an opportunity or potential.

To me the source of shame was more in relation to knowing what I caused in others, the consequences when this happened to be known. Shame and regret emerged within the realization that I was the cause of a lot of turmoil, depression, sadness in in someone’s life, and also how ‘shameless’ I was at the same time in doing it,  with without their awareness in my past relationships, which I have by now become aware all were motivated as with many other things in our lives, by the idea of something better, new, more exciting, or simply doing it because ‘the opportunity was here’ and taking it as an ‘innocent’ moment which was of course not living the word innocence in a supportive manner, but more through an experience to veil my responsibility at the time and the actual fear of the potential consequences, like it is explained in this other awesome supportive audio Using Innocence to Defend Fear – Quantum Physical, which I recommend to understand how this ‘misuse’ of the word innocence takes place within ourselves, that was quite helpful for me to also open up this point recently.

I could also say, yes it still was someone else’s decision to dive into such depressive experience upon becoming aware of what I had done, but my part in the whole point is having been dishonest and creating a consequence that in normal terms of course it is not something that is received in stability by most people. So, I have beaten myself up – figuratively speaking – quite a few times for this kind of situations that yes I caused and contributed to creating, while at the same time over time and over some more years after that, I still would do it and not really make a decision to change, until I did after deciding to actually change this ‘tendency’ and pattern within me that I had veiled myself off by seeing it as something that is ‘just here’ and ‘just happened’ while being fully aware that of course it always takes one’s decision to do or not do something.

 

 

I’ve also learned through communicating about this point to in a way see that we all cheat ourselves in different ways and levels. Some of us have acted on it, some others tend to only fantasize about doing it, but don’t get to actually live it. That’s how I’ve also seen that cheating as such is always a point of self-deception, where yes one is not living fidelity towards another being and instead is seeking for ‘something else’ with another person, not only at a physical level, but also at a mind level or in the form of ‘mental affairs’ too, because I saw how the sheer acceptance of ‘thinking about another’ in those partnership terms or fantasizing about having a relationship with them or having sex with another person while being in a committed relationship constitutes in essence already an act of ‘cheating’ to oneself, where one is only entertaining an idea of ‘someone else’ in our minds, while one is having an actual, physical, tangible relationship to develop, nurture and commit to, which is what I have decided to do and live from now on in my life.

I’ve been looking at what ‘led me’ to make it so easy for me to not measure consequences, to make it so easy to make a single decision in one moment and for a moment just throw out of the window any commitment to another person because ‘the opportunity presented itself’ and ‘I simply took it’ and how ‘feeble’ in a way I was when it comes to this, being very much moved by desire, lust, an idea of ‘something/someone better’ or simply because ‘it was here’ and so I moved to just do it.

Now, the details of how, when and where I did this all are not relevant to share here, but to me it’s sufficient to share how the kind of laxity towards it is what was a source of shame, which I then also walked through to create an understanding, to understand ‘who I was’ at the time so as to not just see through the eyes of morality but through seeing me and who I was at the time.

At the time I had not created any point of self-awareness or ‘barely’ creating it and developing it within myself, where I would talk to myself to create a point of ‘innocence’ about the moment, as a way to – as the previously mentioned Eqafe audio explains – it was a way for me to make things ‘alright’ within me and not truly have a blunt look at what I was accepting and allowing in having this ‘laxity’ about my commitment to my relationships and how I made it very normal to have ‘open potentials’ to other relationships while being in committed relationships or ‘somewhat’ committed relationships at the time, because they were what they were in the context that I was in at the time in my life as well, where I wasn’t really into developing a relationship of self support or self-respect yet.

One thing I noticed is that I of course suppressed a lot of these things because it was at a time in my life when I was using weed on a regular basis and it was my way to also ‘wipe out’ any immediate inner conflict and ‘shift’ within me to an ‘everything is alright’ state of mind, which I only can know of because I would write about what I was in fact experiencing, and that’s the only remembrance I have of it, because at a conscious level to me it seemed as if there was no conflict at all, but this is how I made myself ‘think’ that ‘I am perfectly fine with it, I know what I’m doing, there’s no problem at all in me, no one’s getting hurt’ as a way to create a false sense of innocence within it all to not have to have a clear view of what I was participating in.

Working on this point has become one of those examples that something that I saw as a weakness in me, I’ve worked on developing it and turning it into a strength within me for the past couple of years.

Though before going into the ‘developing it as a strength,’ I want to share about the process of walking through shame itself and in our group chat at Desteni we had a very cool discussion that led to open up this point about ‘shame’ which can be read here:  You cannot see that which you are – 12 July 2017 which opened the door along with looking at the word ‘reconciliation’ for me to do this for once and for all, to identify where and how I’ve experienced that kind of shame in my life and it has been definitely linked to cheating – and it was actually quite a gift in the way that it is explained in this audio support I mentioned at the beginning of this blog about shame, in the sense that I would probably not have gotten to see my reality this way if I had not become aware of how my actions affected another’s life, which at the time I  suppressed and just felt bad about it, guilty, remorseful. But I had not taken that step of acknowledging the profound shame I felt in relation to it and it’s probably one of those things that have ‘marked me’ in my life, yet it is and will continue to be there as a reminder of what I’ve done, what I caused when allowing myself to be moved by desire, attraction, the idea of ‘something better’ or something ‘more exciting’ or ‘new’ and all of these experiences I linked to the act of cheating, which were in fact me seeking an experience that eventually of course led to ending relationships due to not establishing that self-commitment, self-honor and self-respect for myself first of all.

In retrospect it is ‘easier’ for me to see how I could have decided to change myself in those moments when facing this ‘temptation’, yet at the time I had not made a clear decision to change, because I still wanted to have these ‘options’ available to me. I wasn’t living a commitment to myself nor towards another. So this is to me an example where many times we make things ‘difficult’ to do or believe that ‘it’s beyond me’ to change, but in self-honesty, the reality is that I was not wanting to change or give up something that I wanted to have, experience or indulge into in my life.

The perceived benefits of ‘going for it’ are only that, a perception, a momentary experience if anything because over time, I see how every time that I ‘gave into it’ became that kind of scars that won’t go away from your mind, and one can self-forgive it, surely, to recognize the point and ensure one doesn’t repeat it again, but as it has been recently explained: self forgiveness wont’ ‘erase’ the memories. Memories will remain as part of who we are, as reminder, as a gift, a ‘cautionary tale’ as I’d like to call them of what I could put myself and others through If I give into this kind of ‘desires’ or ‘fleeting sensations’ that seemed to just ‘open up’ as ‘opportunities’ in my life – which is how I used to define them, see them.

It also had to do with how I approached life back then, where I had placed my life, my destiny in the hands of something ‘else separate from me’ where I thought that people, things, situations would ‘happen for a reason’ and so I would create an innocence point within it as well, which is of course innocence lived as deception, deliberate self-deception just to not have to see the truth and reality of myself in it.  Innocence to me now as a living word has a very much different meaning that doesn’t relate at all to ‘pretending to be delusional’ and not realize what I am doing lol, I mean, I know I can only ever deceive myself in fact and that’s where this whole point of cheating is at, not only ‘towards others’ but towards myself, my self-commitment and self-agreement that I am busy living for myself and those whose lives I am directly related to now.

Have these apparent ‘temptations’ gone away? Nope. If I would decide to see a moment, a person, a situation as such and accept it and allow it to exist in me, it would not be so much of a ‘difficult thing’ to do because it’s just like anything else when one ‘goes for it’ without questioning ‘who am I’ within doing something. And yes it can be a bit scary to think of the potentials on this which applies for anything else that we see ourselves having a propensity or tendency to do – and have done in the past – but that’s how I decide to instead of giving any attention to these ‘potentials’ rather create a solid foundation for me to walk through it and as I mentioned earlier, turn it into a strength.

So this is another aspect of our minds, our lives and process where no amount of self-forgiveness will actually remove the potential ‘triggers’ or ‘stimuli’ that we can still decide to react to or ‘act upon’ in our minds – this is why walking through our minds is a moment by moment application, daily thing, every moment thing whenever it is required.

So, how am I living this relationship to this past tendency to ‘cheat’ in relationships? Well, I can wholly say to myself that it’s been quite cool to build that decision of living self-honor, self-respect, self-commitment and consideration – not only for me but to others – when it comes to remaining committed to someone and be able to practically test myself in various times and situations to see ‘who am I’ within it all, and so far I’ve seen how every single time it’s a constant decision to ‘stick’ to my decision to live fidelity and loyalty, simply because that’s the person that I decide to be for myself and another in my life.

Thanks for reading and thanks to the beings that share their experiences at eqafe.com which surely set the example for me to open this up for myself too.

Have a listen yourself too!

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 1) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

Facing and Forgiving Real Shame (Part 2) – Demons in the Afterlife – …

 

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